Tell Em Steve-Dave - #407: Hair by Jeffrëy

Episode Date: May 17, 2019

Bry, Walt, & Sunday Jeff talk about a high school porn star, match game and fallen celebs.

yeah she's like daddy daddy i want i want balloons yeah We'll be right back. Break out the buzzers. Break out the buzzers. The Batman logo stencil. It's all crooked. Tell them, Steve, Dave. Hello and welcome to this week's edition of Tell Em Steve Dave It was almost an edition of the all new Puck Nuts Walt But then Ming had to go We do have Sunday Jeff here

Yo! Which is always a treat For a while It's not like that divisive get em No, yeah get em Get em causes lines to be drawn in the sand between listeners. And comments to be made. Silence is going.

Yeah, so we don't have Q this week. I did want to ask him something, though. I guess I can ask you guys this. Actually, first, Walt, I wanted to ask you. This seems like I was surprised that you didn't start it, but all these negative comments on the internet that you don't like. Yes, trolls. There's sort of, yeah, the trolls.

Social media goes wild for toasting, a viral anti-roasting trend that sees internet users building each other up rather than slinging insults and leaving catty comments. Do you? Yeah, that's a real thing. I haven't heard about this. I guess so. It's toasting instead of roasting. I like that. If you go on Reddit, it says here, the Toast Me thread,

because there's also a roasting thread. But I guess the toasting is, this is where maybe a little bit, you and I will diverge in opinion. It's basically people fishing for compliments. Like they'll go on there and they'll be like, I'm going into a depressive episode the first day of finals. Oh, going into a depressive episode the first day of finals week is rough. Could use a toast.

Oh, that's just people like, you know, in the world we live in, everybody's so Stressed out I mean If you could If you could toast somebody In Brighton or Day I say why not

Give them a toast Don't you do it though Kinda in real life Like don't you Yeah but I mean But I'm talking about online now Go online Cause I'm not like

Well I'm not trolling anybody In real life Most people don't troll people Bullshit Bullshit I know. Because I'm not like, well, I'm not trolling anybody in real life. Most people don't troll people. Bullshit. Bullshit. But most people don't troll people in their real life.

You're saying like, you know, don't you do that in real life until you toast people. But there's, you have to get, you have to feel like if it makes you feel good,

you might, you know, you might find some joy out of toasting somebody and knowing that you made their day. A total complete stranger. Right? You went over and got a coffee. If you just told that person, the guy gave you the coffee, you're like, you make a good cup of coffee. Good cup of Joe, brother.

But then you go on then and then you toast and then you go on Starbucks on what's it called? Comment. You tweet Starbucks. Tell them that you're toasting an employee at Red Bank. Well, it's probably usually on the receipts too. On the receipts, it's like you can comment on the service or whatever. So you could just every time you get a cup of coffee Sunday, you go and you – Do you want to get his name on the bottom of the – You toast him.

OK. Here's one, a female who says, a year ago, my boyfriend of four years left me for another girl. I'm in a much better place than I was but knowing that the anniversary of that day is coming up and the fact that they have a baby due in a month – Is wearing on me a bit. Plus I'm also having a bit of a quarter-life crisis. Could use some toasting. And then, you know,

you see her picture. Very pretty girl. Yeah, that's hard to... Those problems are a little bit harder to take away with a toast. What is someone going to say? What toast is...

What glass is going to be raised? What toast is going to be raising you know a child and you know a single parent i mean the the obstacles you face are a bit more lofty than a toast can solve well no she's saying that i think i know it's her ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend are expecting a baby they're expecting a baby baby. So I guess she thought – Oh, okay. Okay. So a year ago, my boyfriend of four years left me. So if she's 25 now and left a year ago, so then what? The math is 19.

The toast – the only toast should be thank your lucky stars that you did not get married, have a kid and all this other shit before you were 25 years old. Like that's, that's the toast. Did you send that? I didn't. I just thought of it right now. Send that boy out. Get that out there.

I just don't know like what, yeah, like what, even this lady though, what do you say to her that's like, if you're missing the dude after a year, and that means he immediately banged that chick. Why? And they're having a baby. Because, I mean, no, the math would, yeah, the math would line up almost immediately. They almost immediately had a baby. They probably waited at least three months to have, you know. I'm not talking about the deed, the actual deed.

I'm saying that's awfully quick to meet someone and then be like, now we're going to have a kid. Oh, you think it was planned? No, it was not planned. That's why she should be thankful she's not in that situation. There's your toast. There's your toast. Quit your fucking crying. In a new country for my master's degree, struggling to find a job, parents of Issa got rejected and I can't make it and they can't make it to my graduation. I guess

he looks sort of Middle Easterney. You could. And the same day my girlfriend of almost five years broke up with me. I really need a win. On the day you're graduating, she broke up with you? The day that he's graduating and his or it might be the same day his parents

of Issa got rejected. He's also struggling to find a job in a new country. I'm assuming it's America, but I'm not really. What happened to the graduation? It's just that his parents can't make it to his graduation. Oh, because they got denied the visa? Because they got denied the visa. All right.

And I guess the same day his parents' visa got denied, his girlfriend of almost five years broke up with him. You know what? He needs a win. You're here. You're in the greatest country in the world. You graduated from one of our finest universities. Let me see if he mentions the five.

He mentions the university. Master's University College. And if you could maybe make a video of yourself and then send it to your parents or live snap it. Is that what they call it? Skype it. Live it. And maybe they could watch it from

if they have the internet, wherever country they're in. What are you going to do? That's the way life goes, right? Now you're in America. American girls are the best. Oh, the pussy out there, brother. American girls are the greatest. The greatest girls in the world.

You don't know it at the time, but probably like how much better is your graduation going to be because your parents are there, right? So just toss that out. Forget about that. Struggling to find a job. That sucks. But the girl? But you got a degree. That's got to count for something it's got

a bachelor's degree it doesn't count for much anymore no not really that's why he's trying to get a master's because a bachelor's doesn't mean shit uh all right um i wonder what kind of win though like what it does anyone ever say anything to you that you're like point flanagan any compliment that someone any any sort of toast point like point set match yeah like point flanagan. Any compliment that someone, any sort of toast? Point? Like point set match? Yeah, like point Flanagan, like I just scored a win for the day. What do you mean? Does anybody ever say that?

Is there a compliment that someone could say to you when you're having a bad day? Any kind of toast? Yeah, I'm sure that there is. Who amongst us is so jaded that they can't use a compliment here or there, even on your good days? I would imagine you still like a compliment here.

It could be better. A well-timed toasting could really make my day. But I don't imagine, you don't take compliments very well. Does it make you feel weird when people tell you something nice about yourself? Like you want to move on? Yeah, I'd like to move on, but

at the end of the day when I'm lying there before I fall asleep and I take, you know, and I replay what happened during the day, I'll stay in that moment a little bit longer. Yeah. Nice little toast. Yeah. In my head, I'll

replay that moment and the things I should have said. Get the fuck out of the store. You going to buy something? Yeah. Any particular compliment you like Sunday, Jeff? What's your favorite compliment? I like your hairdo.

It's looking good. You just got a haircut? No, I cut it myself. You do it yourself? You do a damn good job. It's one length. He takes a buzzer and he buzzes over it. Is that all you do? You don't look in a magazine and try to like...

No, this ain't barbershop. It's cube over here. Yo, do the back, bitch. You know what? It's perfectly even. And I don't know how you do that. How do you do that in the back as well as the front? Really?

Just take a mirror. Yeah, I looked in the mirror. Yeah, like you said, though, it's only one attachment. Wow. I mean, have you always done that? No, when I started wearing shorter hair, I just did it. I can't have long hair. I know, I know.

But what made you say, you know what? I'm going to do this. Because after going to a barber and seeing what they do all the time, I picked up on it. I was like, this doesn't look that difficult. So let me give it a little. Like if I invest in a buzzer. Three haircuts.

That's $30 I ever invested in, man. I tell you, it's just like shaving cheap. If so, if I want the buzz cut, you would buzz it for me? Oh, yeah. All right. I might think about that. You're going to go Sunday, Jeff. I can't put like Gidham's name in the side of your head.

I can't. You can't do it like a little fade? I can do a fade. A fade on the sides? Can you put like a little Batman symbol on the back of my head? Let me tighten them up. Circa 1989. Which Batman symbol do the back of my head. Circa 1989. Which Batman symbol do you want?

Which one? You want the sweaty eyes? You want the big eyes? Which one do you want? No, no, just the Batman symbol. Remember everybody was putting that in their hairdo in the 80s? Yeah, but I'm saying I was doing like the 60s kind of Batman where he had the eyes. Batman symbol

never had eyes, bro. I'm talking about the TV show, the 66 TV show. Right, you were talking about an Adam West cowl? Yes. Okay, nobody's ever had that before. All right, so there's a new one. Now, while you do a great job with your clippers, I don't know if you could do a Batman's cowl.

I don't know if I'd be the guinea pig for that. Yeah, really. This is a bat symbol that Walt's looking for. You can't do that? You can't do that? Yeah, I could probably do that. Because if you took like... It's so black in the middle. Well, because it's a black kid.

No, no, no. It's not worse. Look how dark that is. Yeah, they must have dyed it. It's actually kind of crappy looking. Can you do anything with dyes? Because I'll need to get my hair dyed too after we get the buzz done. Can you dye my hair as well? How hairy is your chest, Walt?

You want a chest chest symbol too? You should get that and surprise your wife. If I bring, if we, if I bring the just for men over, could you, could you also dye my hair? I'll give it a try.

I'm not full service. Yeah. Full service. Give you a hot towel. Just that. That's it. Don't want anything else. Don't go crazy.

It's not a bath house. It's a respectable barber shop. More helmets? What do you want? So how much do you think you've saved on haircuts over the last decade? Not much anyways. They're just like 10 or 12 bucks. And how often do you need to break out the clippers?

Every six weeks. Two, three times a day. The way you said it, like every six weeks, huh? Yeah, it grows quick. That's not bad. Something we didn't know. I did not know he cut his own hair. You wouldn't get him.

What's his cut? See, get him looks like he cuts his own hair. Sunday Jeff, you would believe. It's like he combs it with an egg beater and it looks like he cuts it with a hedge clipper. So if let's say you were releasing your job, God forbid, would you ever consider opening up a Jeff's Barbershop? No. Why?

Yeah, what would you do? I don't know. Find something similar. What I was doing before. Yeah. Actually, I wouldn't want to do anything. You want to start up your little own business where you get to run the show? You put a little –

Depends. I would like to do that. Put a little barbershop pole in front of your apartment? So it's unlicensed. What do you like? I like spinning the office away. It's going to the ground. The condo associates is like, Jeffrey, we're not zoned for you to open up a barbershop.

I wanted to talk to you. It looked like you could use a little trim. Why don't you come in? On the house. On the house. It's not a barbershop. I'm not cutting hair in here. What made you think that?

I'm out there sitting on a chair. It's like, what do you want, buddy? Cut? Ten bucks. I'm like, cut. Come on in. It's like Floyd's Barbershop from Andy Griffith. You're sitting down.

It's you, get him, and some strange guy. You ready for a cut? It's like I remember the old day when my father used to get here because when we went to the bar where they used to have Playboys. Really? Yeah. When my father used to go. And your dad would let you look at a Playboy?

No, no, no. Not me, but I'm saying they would have men's magazines and they had the other. They had Playgirl? Oh, not me, but I'm saying they would have men's magazines and they had the other... They had Playgirl? Oh, I don't know about that. Was your barbershop that progressive back in the 70s? I think it was strictly men's. Did any women get their hair cut there? Not that I know of. So this was only a dude's

place. Every time I was in there, it was like... So they would have... Let me see your wrist. Playboy, I mean. Yeah, yeah, your dad would look at the Playboys while he was waiting for you to get your haircut. He wasn't doing anything at the time, right? Could that fly today?

Oh, I don't think that could fly today. It would be fucked up, right? I guess it could if it was strictly just a men's bar. But that's like saying every guy that walks in and gets a haircut is down with seeing a magazine with totally naked spread e-roll checks. And that's like shoving in your face. But if you open it up, I happen to look over at you. I'm like, I want to start a conversation.

You're like, oh, how long you been here? And I look over and you're staring like rabid-eyed at some buff. But if somebody complains about that, you've just sussed about. You're like, sorry, this is a men's fucking barbershop. If the sight of titties offend you, there's the door. When you open up your barbershop, do not

get a subscription to Playboy for the waiting room. Is Maxim still being published? You can get Maxim. You can get Lee's action figure. Toy news, all the old ones. Some old back issues. I used to have this toy. Toy shop news.

It's holding up my supplies. He's like, there's all the titty books that used to be here. I got rid of them. Toy shop. I had a customer come in and complain. A lippity customer. Yeah, he came in.

He wanted a Batman symbol in his head. Combining uppity and lippity. Oh, the 90s. Those were good times. I put a sweet Batman symbol in his head, and then he left after complaining about the boobs. Superman. Would you feel weird when you had to touch another man man's head like when you have to cut their hair or wash it or wash it it's kind of intimate washing someone's hair right

you only do that with a lover usually yeah you ever wash your lover's head i remember when i was a kid though i remember like getting uh getting washed from from some of the girls leaning over in your face yeah they wouldn't have that at Jeffrey's salon. You wouldn't have that treatment though. Unless they're man pits. Strictly militant cut. That's all we do. No wash, just shave. If you wear a wife beater, you might get more little cleavage.

Those customers might be able to see some titties. He takes out the titty books and institutes a wife beater slash cleavage policy. I don't know. This is not the men's barbershop I was hoping for. I'm trying a new, we're going in a different direction.

What's the choice of music in Jeffrey's salon? Fucking soundtracks to movies and shit. Godfather. Epic soundtracks. T3. Can I go to the barbershop? soundtracks to movies and shit. Godfather. Epic soundtracks. T3. Can I go to the barbershop? You know what this is?

You better not open that barbershop. It'd be my first customer. Come out with a bloody ear and shit and be done. Don't go here. Forget about it. It's odd, though. You don't think about it that much. Like, at our age, saying, like, all right, I got to start a new career. Yeah, because it's so difficult.

They don't want kids who are willing to work for nothing pretty much. I mean, like any college-age student you talk to, they're like, everyone basically tries to use this internship as like free labor. So hardly anyone can get paid. Even when they're in that school, the kids aren't making the same money. There's just not enough jobs. There's too many fucking people. Paying all that college tuition off takes them

forever. You're already starting off with a problem. We're getting to the point where we're going to have to pull the old timer thing remember we're gonna say you want to rob a bank oh yeah and be so old that they'll be like i mean look at these cute old guys are harmless right but i don't know still cash in the banks anyways don't

work yeah i don't i don't see that happening anymore so like or ever maybe in the 20s with like bonnie and claude like people there's nothing else going on so people got really excited about these outlaws crossing the country blowing people away and robbing banks and fighting with the marshals and all that shit but today yeah has the the mystique is gone we don't romance the bank robber anymore we don't romanticize them. Now people romanticize cartel leaders vis-a-vis narcos or serial killers are kind of romanticized. We do that. It's a society. Any number of murders like that ID channel, right?

I haven't had it in some times. It's still full on. I don't know if romanticize is the right word, but we are fascinated. And our entertainment, a lot of our entertainment is built around like that real life crime and shit. Yeah. I mean, the more documentaries like Making a Murderer and The Staircase and all this shit that comes out that people like, it only encourages people to make more. encourages people to make more and like i don't know like if you're say the say the survivor of the victim of a violent crime and somebody's just making a story that's kind of mirrors your your loved one's experience so you don't have to give you any money right yeah that's pretty shitty yeah let's talk about getting victimized all over again

yeah it's there's – wow. Match game? It was – match game 78. It had to be right around the time of Son of Sam because Brett Summers is so worked up about someone – she never says it but someone profiting from their crime and it should be against the law because I guess the Son of Sam law obviously hadn't been put into effect yet. And she is unhappy about it and like uh gene time did she have to go on this diet three different times she tried to start it up and gene rayburn's like all right all right play a game by the end of match game 78 season two gene rayburn does not acknowledge anything she says like she'll make a joke or she'll like make a little comment.

It's like she never even said it. He just quickly moves on. I know that. I've done that when I've been playing a game on the TSD. I've moved on from like get them the ramblings. I got it, right? Yeah, him going on about some Reddit conspiracy or some shit. You got to tune that out.

And also, you know, I never saw you make mistakes like Gene does. Like a couple times so far, he'll say the answer as he's telling the lady. That's my job. It's like, what the fuck? And then like you see it in his face in the moment. It was like the all-vampire baseball team couldn't believe when they went into their dugout

and all they could find were, and then he goes, bats. He says the word bats and then everyone's like, oh. Do you ever wonder why they left it in too? Like it wasn't live. There are so many things that they could take out then or now. Or now.

Some of the stuff they say is like – I wouldn't want to watch a 2019 edited version, would you? No, definitely not. But the way everyone is so like fucking touchy about anything said, I'm surprised that they're not. Well, I think that shows you the viewership of that channel in those episodes. They can handle it. It's so minuscule that they're not even – they aren't even getting a Nielsen point probably or whatever. Right. Like Jeff Bezos isn't like, can we get the rest of the season as a match game because we're cleaning up with this shit.

Charles Nelson Riley is the best. There was – there's a moment where – and if you don't know these names, I'm saying you have to just look them up. So they announce all the people like they do in the beginning. And there's two people missing and it's Gary Bergeroff and what's her name? Patty Deutsch. And Gene comes out looking like he's holding them. They're walking, but he has them cradled and they're both sucking their thumbs as if they're babies. Cause somebody had a baby, right? I don't know. I don't know why they were doing it. Nobody on the panel had a baby. I'm not sure who had a baby that part I may have missed,

but it wasn't funny. It was weird. And you're like, what's going on? There was no real clear explanation. And then Charles Nelson Riley holds up a little card and it says the baby stuff bombed. And he's constantly calling shit out like if gene fucks something up he was the best man i read something the other day about him where like there was this um a hartford circus fire it was like the deadliest circus fire in the country or whatever and he was in he was there at the time as a spectator. He was like eight. It was like in 1944 or something. And he said in this monologue that he did that he wanted to go to the circus.

His mother said no. And then his mother caught he and a friend or him and his brother or something sneaking away to go to the circus. And as they're sneaking away, his mother's like, I hope it burns to the ground. And then there you go. I don't know. I mean, he said it. And then there you go. I don't know. I mean he said it. Like he said it. So I don't know.

It's possible. And I guess what they used to do was they'd take these big canvas tents and they would soak them with gasoline and then put paraffin wax on them for waterproofing. And so somebody lights it up. The whole fucking tent goes up. And then all the wax is dripping down on people. So in an era when smoking was set, everybody in the face of the planet was smoking. Smoking on the game show. Everyone has a cigar. Everyone has a cigar in their mouth.

Why on earth would they be dousing the tents in gasoline? I don't know. I mean I guess it was the only available – like nylon was invented like a little bit after. I guess. I don't know. I mean, I guess it was the only available. Like, nylon was invented, like, a little bit after, you know, I guess. I don't know. It was fucking crazy. All right, Sunday Jeff, you're in the market for a new mattress. I am. Wore the old one out, knocking boots and shit.

That's not how he wore it out. It's not how did he wear it out? He just sleeps a lot. Okay, he's tired. I'm comfortable. Hey, it doesn't matter. Casper's got you covered. Fucking Rip Van Winkle, no pussy getting motherfucker.

I use it as a bed in the tomb at the same time. It's designed by humans for humans. Are you tired of robots designing your mattresses? Other than sleeping and some nighttime activities, what's your third favorite thing to do in bed? Watch TV. I would put TV above sleeping. I don't really have a lot of fun while I'm sleeping,

at least not that I'm aware of. You don't like to sleep, man? Sometimes, man, it is the best, man. When you just hit that, like it's like really cold out, you hear that wind whistling and you put those covers on. The rain. Oh, and the rain. I can get behind that.

Oh, my God, man. You're like, man, this is the best. Only if you have the right mattress, though. Yeah. You need to complete it and make it truly the best you need at Casper. You definitely do. I thought you were going to say eating in bed. Eating in bed?

No, I never would eat in bed. You don't like to eat in bed? I'm not kidding around. I've said this before. Like 90% of my meals are taken in bed watching TV. If I could get a blowjob while I was doing it, I'd never leave the room. Let's see.

The original Casper mattress combines multi... You know you can turn that dinger off, right? I know. Nobody can hear it, can they? Probably. The original Casper mattress combines multiple supportive memory foams for a quality sleep service. Round six. I don't get this many messages all day long.

Now we're doing an ad. The right amount of sink and bounce is what we're looking for here Sunday, Jeff. Do you like to read in bed? Yeah. Yeah, what do you like to read in bed? What's the last book you read in bed? It wasn't a book. It was a magazine.

It was Fangoria. I heard that we missed the Fangoria and you were pissed off. I wasn't pissed off. Wait, what happened? You didn't order a Fangoria? Yeah, the previews that we missed a Fangoria and you were annoyed. He wasn't toasting you. I was annoyed.

I checked the mic, asked if he could get it because it's only print to press. It's only direct market now. It's not available outside. So you have to get it. You can't get it from Barnes & Noble anymore? No, it's gone. And then when we do the previews and we submit the diamond, was this at a point where you would have written it in the previews

magazine or in the catalog? Probably I marked it in the big book or the thin book. The order form. Yeah, it's probably before that, so it's probably with the order form. Yeah, probably what you did was put a little pencil line on, and I probably didn't even see it. That's all right. I heard that you were freaking out Probably with the order form. Yeah, probably what you did was put a little pencil line one, and I probably didn't even see it. That's all right.

I heard that you were freaking out, saying that these Fangorias go for $100 on the aftermarket. No, motherfucker. They're up there. They do get up there quick. Fangoria? First off, it's the biggest ass-kissing magazine ever. Is it horror?

We love it. It's unbelievably biased towards like everything. So I guess people will talk to him. Because if it's like, oh, this horror movie sucked, they're like, well, fuck you. We're not going to talk to you anymore. You know, like companies and shit. Yeah, they got to play a game. Yeah.

So the last thing you read in bed was a Fangoria magazine? Last draft of a suicide note. He's right, though. It is not that good because a lot of times by the time it's published, because it's only quarterly now, it's like it's – They're so angry for that. If it stinks, why are you angry? I like the first issue. The first two issues are good.

You got the whole collection? There's only three. Yeah, this is volume two. Oh, so it's not like you have hundreds of issues. Yes, he does. I have the original. The original one was good. Now, do you find yourself when you read a magazine like that before going to bed, you have bad nightmares?

No, sometimes I get kinks in the neck, though. Kinks in the neck from just reading the magazine. You sleep in the reading position. You've got to get a Casper then. Tell him some of those bullet points. I'm not kidding. I do need a mattress, though. The kinks in the neck?

Well, look, man. The Wave, there's four mattresses. No, wait. Four other mattresses. So now there's a mattress, though. The kinks in the neck? Well, look, man. The Wave, there's four mattresses. No, wait. Four other mattresses. So now there's a total of five. The Wave, the Essential, the Hybrid, the Hybrid Wave, and then I guess there's a regular one. The Wave features a patent-pending premium support system to mirror the natural shape of your body, despite how dysmorphic it may be Sunday, Jeff.

Yeah, I start to, like like drip over the side at night. Plus, you don't got to worry about the money because it has designed at a price that won't keep you up at night. The essential. Array of other products like pillows and sheets. And here's what I know you love because you're a patriot, Sunday Jeff. All designed, developed, and assembled in the United States. Nice. And like a true capitalist, they cut out the middleman

so they can sell it directly to you. You get a little bit of savings. They make a little more money. Let's not be too hard on the middleman because Jeff, you are basically a middleman, right? Oh, fuck. You are so non-essential. You are like on Schindler's List.

You are going to the side. You're basically a middleman. People are like, shit, that sucks. No, not really. I'm not. Oh, come on. You don't fucking do any of the real work. You just fucking set it up.

You're the middleman. You facilitate. That's it. I mean, let's call a spade a spade, bro. Is this hard to hear? We know. I'm saying it's comic book. I just shouted you over a fucking...

I'm an important man. Isn't comic book... People need me for things. Is a comic book a middleman? Hey, I'm a... Fuck, man. Is it comics or middleman? But is it a middleman? You're really the director. I'm the middleman too. Both of us.

But why do you say that? Because look, somebody delivers the shit to me who drew it, colored it, printed it gives it to me I put it on a rack someone comes in, takes it off the rack and brings it to the counter. I ring them up.

I put the money in the drawer. I don't even get all that money. No. Somebody's got to do this. I barely get any of it. Somebody's got to, you know, you have to distribute it.

It's all right, man. We're middlemen. It's okay. But I just don't want to like crap on the middleman always because, you know. Not universally.

As far as mattresses are concerned. In the mattress game game it's okay to shit all over yeah they're assholes yeah they deserve to be fucking the mattress taken out back and you know what yeah because they're providing something you need rather than something you want so they got you by the balls these these mattresses short hairs god damn it yeah exactly so fuck them uh very convenient when you when you order your mattress, they're going to deliver it right to your door in a small, how do they do that, sized box. You've never seen a mattress coming out of a box, have you?

Yeah, I saw the box. I've seen how they're – Oh, you watch the videos? Yeah. He watched a three-hour documentary on how – I just see his face. Yeah. It's like, I don't know how the hell it's –

Watch the videos. How long does it take to actually straighten out to where it's normal? I've never seen... I would never expect it to hear you ever weigh in with such wonder on a fucking mattress

coming out of a box. He's like, let me tell you something. I don't wonder how they do it, because I know. I watched the whole program. Try to do that yourself and get it back in that box. Impossible. Exactly. But if you think it's wonderful to watch a video of a fucking Casper mattress come out of a box,

wait until you see one come out of a real life box. It's like, have you seen a baby come out of a fucking womb? Yes, I have. It's better than that. If you can imagine. And a lot cleaner. Yeah, not as much blood. It's a lot drier.

It's like... You're going to hear the screaming because you're going to be excited. Yeah, that screaming you hear, you won't even know it's you screaming. You're like, who's screaming? Oh, it's fucking me. Somebody who I'm...

The video... The video can't compare. I just watched a mattress give birth... I mean, a box give birth to a mattress and it was beautiful. No, not a middleman in sight. Twins. Dude, it's going to be awesome. And if you don't like it after a hundred nights, which is no way that's going to happen. Can't say that with much in this world today that you can give it back if you're not happy.

You buy a goddamn computer and they won't take it back in three months a mattress i tried to bring back a dvd to target the other day they wouldn't take it back because it was opened and i told him i was like it's not the fucking right dvd it was the right dvd i just fucking didn't want it anymore but still they wouldn't take it it's not working it's skipping yeah they wouldn't take it back because it was opened. And it's not even your age either because it's like they would expect that from someone younger trying to bust

a CD or something. They assumed I bootlegged it or something, but I didn't. You're like, eh, you know what? This guy's shifty. He looks like a middleman to me. I didn't even buy it at Target. No? It's just like no part of the transaction was valid. It's got the Amazon chip sticker on the bottom.

Some listener sent it to me. I was trying to get a credit. It's a $6 credit. Let's see. How much is my dignity worth? Let me check my stock chart, my ticker tape. It's worth going all the way to Target for $6, I guess. You waste $6 with the gas to go there.

I was there anyway. So I was just like, I knew it was in my bag. I was like, ooh, let me try it. I've been waiting to try it. Let me go run inside. Alicia, you do it. Oh, yeah. I'll believe you.

It's got the card wall. I think you enjoy this. That's my receipt. Let's have that get in here. Just run. I'm not. I'm never coming here again. You got Casper mattresses?

They do at Target. Yeah, they do. Yeah. You can go right to Target, man. But you won't get the $50 off, though. Yeah, here's the best part. You got to use our code Sunday, Jeff. What's the code, brother?

This is a call to action. Free shipping? It's three letters. Guess what those letters are. Three letters. TSD. Wow. He is fucking sharp.

Damn. Three letters? It's four letters. T-E-S-D. You said three letters. No, I said four. No, you said three. You said three first.

Yeah. And I was like, what is he going to think of? That's three letters. That's why I said T-E-S-D, not T-E-S-D. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, we're pretty important people here Sunday, Jeff, so we have a unique URL and promo code. It's only applicable to select mattress purchases,

and you better stick this in the back of your head. Terms and conditions apply, all right? What's the terms? I don't know. What's the conditions? They apply. Yeah, just don't worry about it. Get $50 towards select mattresses by visiting casper.com slash TESD and using the TESD promo code at checkout.

Terms and conditions apply if I haven't said that already. That is casper.com slash TESD and the promo code if you want to get the best mattress ever for fucking eating watching tv chilling t-e-s-d have you ever slept on a foam mattress no oh my god you will not believe it will change your life you don't sink like really far now i mean it's like it's just the right amount of sink just the right amount of bounce he's not lying somebody was snoring pretty loud the other night in my room and i I was like, I can't even sleep. And Sage was over at Pam and Edgar, so I went and I slept in her bed. Yeah.

I haven't been back since. You got to do it, man. Pull the trigger. All right. Once you go Casper, you never go back. That's true. And don't buy a different mattress, because then you're going to want to pull a different kind of trigger. Casper's the only mattress for you, bro.

I say bro. I learned that today in a haircut. I'll buy a mattress mattress because then you're going to want to pull a different kind of trigger. Casper's the only mattress for you, bro. I say bro. I learned that today in a haircut. I'll buy a mattress, bro. Oh, I know what I was going to ask you guys. So you both have daughters. All three of us have daughters that are in junior high or in high school. I don't know if they have school newspapers

in high school anymore for around here, but if there was a story in the school newspaper about a current student who is involved currently in the porn industry, is that an appropriate article to have in the school newspaper? A little – Well, it would be underage, wouldn't it? This girl is 18. So it would be underage wouldn't they uh this girl's 18 so it's not underage so and then they're promoting it as in like she's like congratulating her on her on her new career i i don't know if they're congr i don't think they're congratulating her but it's like yeah they're like toaster she's naked and masturbating on on film uh No, the way it came about was the journalism teacher or whatever

put it out there without asking anyone because freedom of the press and all that, which I can respect. But at the same time, you're right. It's like she's legal, but how many of these kids reading this shit? Now, in high school, we could have handled it and you don't really assign that same ability to kids. What is the point of revealing that? What's the good thing about it? Now, in high school, we could have handled it and you don't really assign that same ability to kids. What is the point of revealing that?

What's the good thing about it? So it's to normalize it. Not ouster. I think to normalize it, it's not such a big deal to work in the sex industry. Except, isn't it though? I mean I'm not sure where feminists' heads are today. This was just recently. Hold on.

Let me find this. I remember when we were growing up, the newspaper stories, college or high school, was remember that the veal was bad on happy days? And Richie Cunningham exposed that they were using expired veal. Remember that? I mean, they must have ripped that off of Good Times because it was pretty much the exact same thing. Everything was all local. It was all stuff that was happening within the school. Nothing. Did you work on the high school newspaper? I worked on the yearbook.

Yeah? He delivered the paper. What was your role? I did some of the artwork in the yearbook. Oh, yeah? Some of the cartoons? Yeah, some of the pages in the yearbook. No editing. Nothing with writing or anything. Just images. the yearbook. No editing, nothing with writing or anything, just images. That's all. You know, help the

layout and stuff like that. There's a lot of controversies in the high school yearbooks in this day and age. I heard on the radio that there was some lady... You can't even wear like a Trump shirt. Yeah, she was suing the school because she airbrushed... Oh yeah, that's right. They airbrushed it out. A Make America Great Again shirt or something.

So there's a lot of politics everywhere you go. Yeah, but I mean, that's fucking crazy. That kid should be – if you could wear a Hillary shirt or an Obama shirt. Oh, no, no, no. She – no, the person who was running the yearbook airbrushed it out. That's what I mean. Like who the fuck are you? Where's my shirt?

Yeah. Like, who are you to do that? I wanted to make a point. So this was in Stockton, California, a high school newspaper. Now, this was April 26, so it's already happened. They were going ahead to publish a profile of a student who works in the porn industry after clashing with administrators over the contents of the story. Still in high school.

Still attending school. Yep. after clashing with administrators over the contents of the story. Still in high school. Still attending school. Yep. The journalism teacher for students accused district officials of censorship when they demanded to review and approve the article before publication and threatened to fire her if she did not comply.

She refused, citing the student's right to free speech. And you know every student's on her side. Every student is on her side. Well, you're idealistic when you're younger. Well, yeah. Plus, I'm sure they're like, we can handle it. It's like, ooh, porn? Never heard of that.

So whatever they're writing in that is probably not that big a deal. But that's like saying, but don't press in people who write articles. They have to get things cleared with their editors. And so you just can't put whatever you want out there just because you're a reporter. But I guess she's the last. See you later, Mike. She's the last line. Yeah.

Right before they go to the press. Yeah. They gave it to her. I guess she edits it finally. And then she's like, I'm not going to let the administrators review it because they'll. Did the student, was the student aware that she was going to expose her for her new career? No, the student was in on it. The porn student.

She said, they said the article doesn't glamorize pornography, but will help students think more critically about the choices they do make at this age in their lives. Like, you know,

it's not going to inspire anyone to get into a porn career, I don't think. No. I mean, that story is probably all out there anyway amongst the kids anyway. Oh, yeah. Clearing the smoke.

Freedom of the press, though. You're right, though. I mean, either it means real freedom or it doesn't, then it's a joke. It's not the first time she's had a run-in with these guys with the censorship attempts. In 2013, the principal at the time confiscated 1,700 copies of the newspaper

when students exposed inaccuracies in the school safety handbook. And this time, the superintendent said that the journalism teacher could be held personally liable for any claims arising from publishing the profile. And she was rattled when a school resource officer came to her classroom last week asking about sex trafficking and the age of students who accessed porn sites. But what does this have to – I mean, can you get porn in school? Like on school computers? I don't think so. Or maybe on your phones.

That's crazy. I'm 18. What I'm doing is legal and I don't see why everyone is maybe on your phones. That's crazy. I'm 18. What I'm doing is legal and I don't see why everyone is making such a big deal out of it, Caitlin Fink said. Well, that's because you're 18. That's because you're 18 and you don't realize that down the road this could – I mean you can't do shit anymore without it coming back to haunt you. Something like this. Unless you're dedicated to porn. It's like permanent record. It definitely speaks of like, it's like what's going on in that girl's life at 18 before she even leaves high school.

What makes you want to do porn? That's the question. Why would you want to do this? Is this the path you want to go? Money, attention. All right. That only lasts for so long. It doesn't seem that way at the time, though, when you're 18.

Remember before you started cutting your own hair, you had those glorious locks? That's my boat of night stays. Exactly. So there you go. You say, okay, Walt, freedom of the press. What are you going to do? Freedom of the press What are you going to do? Freedom of the press I mean

Whether Either you believe it Wholeheartedly Or You don't And if you don't Then you really shouldn't have A high school newspaper

You're either in Or out But it does I guess there are some Like little Caveats though That like It can't be like

Sivius Or Well it's not a lie It's the truth It's not a lie. It's the truth. It's not a lie. Yeah. So you got to print it. It prohibits content that is obscene, libelous or slanderous or incites unlawful acts or school disruptions.

But I mean how vague and subjective is that? I think that this could be turned into like this could be like a new like Martha Ray. What's that called? Martha Ray. Not Martha Ray. What's that called martha ray um what's that called where you know rachel ray no you know sugar ray the lady who sally fields played her in a movie uh oh oh um norma right yeah like a movie that you know that this editor you know fights the powers that be and she gets her story printed the porn porn story. I would not want to.

It has porn in it. I'm still not going to. That sounds boring as shit. So it's all about writing about porn? Yeah. No pictures? No pictures in this newspaper? Fighting for freedom of the press.

Yeah. That sounds thrilling. I had something I wanted to ask Sunday Jeff about, and really want to hear what you think about this, because I was unaware of this I did not do porn no did you guys were you both aware that we are dealing right now we're in the middle or catastrophic shortage worldwide helium shortage yes I read that I heard something about that isn't this crazy how are going to make all our funny voices?

The clown's going to do. Well, did you know that? Yeah, helium is at a worldwide shortage. And right now, there's so many industries, well, actually just two, that are really taking it on the chin with this shortage. Party City and all these party stores. Right. Balloons, I understand. Having to close or going to close stores because they just can't survive

without being able to blow up balloons. I guess that's where they make a lot of their money. And the medical industry does a lot of things with helium as well. And these party industry stores are saying, well, if the medical industry is going to take place, they're going to get serviced. Whatever helium is left, they're going to give it to the medical industry rather than them. They're going to have to close their stores.

Why? Like parties are less important than balloons? But did you know where helium comes from? I never knew until I just saw the story. I think it's actually part of the atmosphere. Isn't it actually in the atmosphere? Do you really? I mean, do you know where helium comes from? I never knew until I just saw the story. I think it's actually part of the atmosphere. Isn't it actually in the atmosphere? Do you really? I mean, do you know where helium comes from? I did not.

Helium is generated underground by the radioactive decay of heavy elements such as uranium and thorium. Part of the radiation from these elements consists of alpha particles, which form the nuclei of helium atoms. The only reason they're saying this is to distract us from God. But most of the helium that the Earth makes is lost. 90% of it is lost into space. It just floats out into space and we can't gather it.

Did you know there is no chemical way of manufacturing helium? Now you know why it's such a shortage. And the supplies we have originated in the very slow radioactive alpha decay that occurs in rocks, it would cost 10,000 times more to extract helium from the air than it does from rocks and natural gas reserves. Helium is the second lightest element in the universe. Is it hydrogen? It's the first? I don't know what the first is. Isn't that what...

The Hindenburg? The Hindenburg. Why don't they just sell Party City some hydrogen? Pulling up balloons and shit, exploding balloons. But my theory is that we'll soon live in a world without balloons. Oh, no. We'll pretty much live in a world without balloons. Oh, no. We'll pretty much live in a world without balloons to begin with. So it doesn't really matter.

Maybe what about virtual balloons like on Facebook when it's your birthday? I wonder what those folks thought. I wonder what the Macy Day things used. Oh, yeah. No more parades. Now, for you, you might feel like you're affected by living in a world without balloons. But what about our grandchildren? to feel like you're affected by living in a world without balloons. But what about our grandchildren? They'll never know the joy, the simple, pure joy and bliss of holding a balloon.

They'll also never know the joy of being able to make a joke and not have everyone jump all over your fucking back for it. I feel like balloons are not as important. But you ever see a small child, the joy on their face by the simplest toy in the world? I don't know if there's a more simpler toy than a balloon. Fascination, yes. And then they let it go. And you let it go. And then a bird goes out of the atmosphere.

A bird's like, Think about it. To live in a world without balloons, what will that mean for generations to come now? I mean, they'll see something on TV, an old movie, and be like, what was that? That was a balloon. What do you now. I mean, well, they'll see something on TV, an old movie, and be like, what was that? That was a balloon.

What are you saying? I mean, what else? What times they were. It'll be the same as, like, us growing up being like, what's that fucking wheel with the stick that that kid's playing with? That seems so boring and stupid. No, no, no, you don't understand. They were all the rage at the time.

and stupid. No, no, no. You don't understand. They were all the rage at the time. I think you guys minimize the effect of a world without balloons. The healing effect of helium. That's what I'm trying to figure out. MRIs and stuff. They use them.

Use a certain gas for it? Yeah. The helium is used in the medical industry. It's a lot more important than that. Sunday, Jeff, what if your kid wanted to have a party with all balloons? Now, you know helium is a major shortage. Yeah, like you can buy it on the black market only pretty much. There's a kid across the street.

He's pretty sick. He's got to get an MRI. There's only a certain amount of helium. How many balloons do you need for that MRI? Sweet 16 party too. She's like, Daddy, Daddy, I want balloons. Yeah, my super sweet 16. Like that's the new fucking bar.

Isn't like Mercedes and fucking trips. It's like having balloons. Are there any balloons? Are you going to go and get a ball of balloons? I would say take a look at that guy across the street there. He's like, ew, why? He's gross. He's gross because he can't have an MRI from the helium that we're filling up your balloons with.

Okay, Your point. Are you saying I'm not getting a balloon? How about we have – It's my super sweet 16. Dad. How about we go half a dozen? And the other half a dozen goes to him. No, it has to be 16 balloons.

Whoa, whoa. So you're going to blow up eight of them? The kid's like, what the fuck am I going to do with these balloons? Half the balloons? I don't want these. Wait a minute, Bill. You're saying you'll – Compromise.

But it's still legal to blow up a balloon. You'll blow up eight though but not 16? It takes 16 balloons for the MRI. You can't give them half. It's all or nothing. Well, I mean the fact that he's willing to like blow up eight in a world that it's illegal to have balloons. That's true. I thought if we had 16, I would give eight to them.

But now you're saying it's 16 that video gets out the sweet 16 viral video Sunday Jeff like hey man I'm fucking preciously made out of helium I'm popping all my voice out I'm breaking the law but that you're right though

like the rich and powerful Will still be able to have balloon parties Oh yeah But you know A common man won't be able to have balloons anymore Oh well It is what it is You have to refinance your house to pay for some balloons

You would String up 16 kites and run around Until you're fucking passed out trying to get them high enough for her to get a selfie under? Hopefully it's a windy day. Put them on the back of my car and I'll drive around the block. Try to convince her they're helium powered. It's like, look at that.

All those 16 flags, 16 kites just flying around. Wasting like $20 of gas right around the block, keep them up in the air. This article says that there is no real helium shortage, but the article is so long that I can't really find. Oh, it's conspiracy theory? It says helium is a renewable resource, so it's actually the worst example of running out of our elements or minerals. Even the problem collecting enough of it has already been solved courtesy of the fracking revolution. I guess with fracking, you get a lot of – you get some helium there. That's what you do.

You start fracking? Helium. Yeah, start doing some fracking around the block from you. All you got to do is store some radiation, radioactive materials in your basement. Get some isotopes going. A little Chernobyl action going. You got to capture all that helium before it escapes into the atmosphere. I don't know how you do it.

About as bright as the sun when you see me in the morning. You're going to need some cellulite, some blasting caps, because you're going to have to take the top off that mountain. My skin's just falling off my bones. So balloons are probably skyrocketing right now on the aftermarket, right? Likely, yeah. We should go on eBay. Is that price gouging, though?

Sure. No different than fuel. There, right? Likely, yeah. We should go on eBay. Is that price gouging, though? Sure. No different than fuel. But there's a law against that, though. It's not as – I would say it's not as insidious as when you scalp, like, for generators after a hurricane. It was $200. Now it's $1,000. Yeah, but the law is the law. Like, it was $2.50 for a balloon.

Now it's $7 for a balloon. Is that gouging? Could I, like, plan for the better places? The law is the law. Like it was $2.50 for a balloon. Now it's $7 for a balloon. Is that gouging? Could I like – Could you put the final nail in Party City's coffin and sue them? Probably. I don't know because I mean it's definitely not a necessity. I think that's usually for like fuel generators, food, that kind of stuff. If like you're going to eat an apple for 50 cents is now suddenly five bucks.

So there's a list of things that can't be price gouged as opposed to things that somebody has deemed as non-necessities. I believe so. I think it's got to be blatant. And you would have to be a real idiot to walk into a police station and be like, I need to file a report. I paid $10 for this apple. Those guys are hogging up all the helium.

Ridiculous. Yeah, that's – wow, that is – hey, wait. Two people, Tim Conway today and Doris Day. Yeah, I saw that. The other day. what's going on? How do you feel about that kind of stuff? Well, I mean, first off, I mean. You're like, I can't believe they're still alive.

Yeah. I thought they were dead already. The lives they led were long and successful, so you can't feel anything. But, you know, when you get to that age, I i mean no one's really surprised when you hear like you're only 97 and they died though right so but i don't think anybody i was i was talking to frank five because we and him were binging uh the doris day show and i feel that since it never caught on on these you know these retro tv stations that show all the old TV shows. That's a show that was never really shown after its original airing in the early 70s

that I don't think many people know who we're talking about. Or what are you pointing at? That picture of Doris Day on the wall. There's a picture on the wall of Doris Day. Signed to me. Nice. Frank Five sent away.

Just in time. But yeah, I think that a lot of people don't, it doesn't mean anything to them. Well, people of life, what can you do? People our age, personally like Tim Conway, a big fan of his from the Carol Burnett show, but Doris Day, I never really, it was a name I heard and I know she was sort of synonymous with being pure and good. Yeah, yeah. Pam and Edgar definitely would

be more... That's me. I don't know who's dinging me. What Tim Conway is like... Again, I was like, oh, he's alive. I looked at Bob Barker. I thought Bob Barker was dead. He's alive too.

Still alive. I found out too he was dead. He's alive too. Still alive. Still alive. Wow. I found out too he was involved in a little sex scandal. A little one? Is there such a thing as a little sex scandal? Back in the – I guess so relatively. I mean I didn't know about it until today. One of his spokesmodels I guess he was hooking up with for years though.

Come on down. Then afterwards she said that like – she said that I guess she was bullied into it. She didn't really want to – and that's what she says. Because he was powerful. Yeah. He could get her off the show. He's the OG Harvey Weinstein. Well, I mean he lost his job, right?

I mean – I think he gave it up, right? Yeah, I think he retired. He's like, I can't do this shit anymore, man. So he didn't ever pay the price for it? Tired of chasing these girls. I think that there was some sort of settlement or something. Oh, okay.

All right. So there was some retribution. I guess so. If he did it, I mean, who knows? Who the hell knows? Right? Well, it's just that he said, she said, unless he admitted to it. I mean, it's almost like when you pay off.

It's kind of admitting it. Yeah. So I like, I get why people, it's like, I'm not going to say I did this to get out of jail. You know, even if they didn't, you know, if they didn't do it, they're like, no, fuck it. I'll never say I killed this person or whatever. They feel the law is going to be twisted so much. They'd be like, look, I don't want anything to be just here, just whatever. I don't even want to go to court.

I don't want to because I know how the courts operate. Maybe it's just that they'll find in your favor and I didn't do anything. But jail. It's like jail. Prison? Fucking no way. There's this Netflix show. I can't remember the name of it, but it's one of those prison shows.

Real life? And it's real life prison. Documentary or actors? No, documentary like National Geographic, Inside fucking. No Oz? Pelican Bay, whatever. No, not Oz. And you're like, the shit that these people do to get in there

and the cavalier attitude they have about being in prison. I'm like, have I been lied to this whole time? It's like a glorified thing. Is it not that bad? Because these guys don't seem that upset by it. I mean, the fact that you're in a little room that you can't leave, you're like your little cellar or whatever sucks, but they're walking around the day room. They seem to be having a grand old time.

What's the name of the show? Hold on. I'll look it up. It's on Netflix. I watched the first episode. I did not care for it. It wasn't that great. Yeah, man.

Why not? They have bands in there and shit, you know? Barbershop. They learn how to cut hair. Are you piding I'm cutting? Would you do other things at your salon? Would you branch out into doing nails or toes? Well, I thought I was a man.

It's prison. I think it's stupid, though, to open up a business and then cut off half of the population by making it one sex. You've got to make it unisex. Yeah, I think nails are standalone today now. It's a lot of times you just go, you see a bit in the mall, you just see just nail salons. It's all they do is nails. I don't think it's branched off now. Would you do, like, would you do, so when you're cutting a lady's hair ladies hair you think you could quickly learn the uh

everybody has his hair with a batman symbol and everybody looks like they just came out of a out of a chemotherapy treatment it's like i'm not going to that place what are they doing over there that's your slogan radiation what's going on that's your slogan. One cut, one price. Flat fee. Let's say a lady comes in and she's like, I'd like something like a Jennifer Aniston look. I want my bangs to swoop to the side. I want

to feather it over here. I want this and I want to make it look fuller. I'll give you an example. Sunday Jeff's time traveling barber show. Did you have a G.I. Joe? Did you have like one of those 70 G.I. Joes where half the hair was missing here? Half the hair was missing here? My show

to them would be like the metal filings. Like you would have to, how would you like your hair do? Just take the metal filing and you want the style. Oh yeah, the magnetic thing. But you just, you gotta go cocksure. You gotta be 12. I couldly Willy? Oh, yeah. The magnetic thing? But you just, but you got to go cocksure. You got to be, you got to be 12. I could do that.

Yes, ma'am. I know exactly what you want. Break out the buzzers. Break out the buzzers. The Batman logo stencil. It's all crooked. Looks more like a fork. That would be amazing. Looks like a fork. That would be amazing.

Looks like a fork. It's like, did you get the bat symbol? I did my best. How many charge of five bucks? Bat dance. Yeah, the Watusi. This is the show. It's called Jailbirds.

We don't have a mirror in the store. Sorry. Jailbirds. Yeah. Like one of that lady, she has got a tattoo above her left eyebrow that says monster so let's say let's say somebody comes in and does want the uh the waxing could you do that yeah could you wax a bush bikini wax well all areas no all areas legs yeah i'm strictly intimate areas but you got but again there's a lot of business you're turning down by not doing

that see here's the thing, though. You're on to something here. You don't need to cater to females, but you can offer waxing. Lots of guys get their back waxed, right? Who doesn't like a good foot massage, right? Some guys get manicures and pedicures. You can offer a little bit of sort of – You know, we listeners would love to have you massage their feet while you talk to them.

You should offer that on the Patreon. A tear. You're responsible for your own travel here. But once you get here, you've got a guaranteed haircut and foot massage. You get a number one cut. But why do you think it would just be too embarrassing for you to do that? Yeah, it's just too much diversity. Just stick to one thing.

Stick to the one thing that I'd be good at. It's tough, though. I mean, it's tough to just stick to one thing and make a successful business. Look, I'd be okay in Paris Island. What's that? To a marine strain. I'd just be doing the cuts. Right, but I mean, let's be honest, though.

This is your business. You can't just give haircuts. You can ask for a loan. I would hire other people who are more experienced. Who knew more about cutting. Yes, than waxing. The trendy hairstyles. Ripping all hair off with a piece of paper and some hot wax.

I mean, you see, like, you can't get out of a store without them repeatedly offering you a card or like you go to QuickCheck. Hey, you want a cookie with that? It's a constant state of upselling. So it's like all these places are looking for more ways to make more money. Your single haircut – I mean I don't know what your rent is but – Well, he sits in his apartment. Oh, that's right. It's unlicensed out of your apartment.

I forgot. They don't even come inside my house. I just have a chair out there. I got a leaf blower blowing the hair all over the place. Where do you advertise? I just got a leaf blower. He just has a magnet on the side of his car. Where I live.

All right. Yeah, like a full wrap. It's like those old, you know, where it says garage sale this way. I got like, you know, haircut this way with the arrow yellow signs. When I was in L.A., there was a guy who would walk around Hollywood and I got my hair cut by him twice. He had scissors, like he had a belt and he had like his scissors and his combs

and all that stuff on it and you would just go to an alley and he'd cut your hair in the alley and you gave him 25 bucks, whatever. Good haircut. Good haircut too. Yeah, that could be you. Sounds like something else.

25 bucks That was extra I just He offered other services That was the leader price Once I'm in there Don't scoff I mean you know

You might end up Blowing somebody If you don't get With the program Just pop out of Pop out of a garbage can In an alley Want a cup bud

Like you'd really rather Do this than wax pussy Huh Alright If you say so. So you would hire somebody who knew how to do all the other stuff?

I think you've got to be licensed to do nails, too. It's not just that. Oh, really? You think so? You've got to be licensed to cut hair, too, I think. You have to be licensed

to sweep hair, they told me at the place I used to go to. Yeah, like in order to be in that place and work around that stuff. What a scam. That's crazy. What a scam. Welcome to to the united states government why would you need anything to

just sweep up hair for a purpose yeah like how can you do it wrong you can't you're so you're right it's a fucking scam yeah there's a lot of ways to sweep i guess but now what am i wrong when i go to the barbershop one of the things things that I really don't like is the fake conversation that's forced upon me. Or the real conversation. But, you know, like how is your day? Are you going to be that kind of barber? What kind of small talk are you willing to make? It's like, well, you know, usually I would have a TV on there so you'd be watching whatever.

Are you familiar with D'Arstead? You want to watch the game. Then you start conversations that way. You're cutting hair in prime time. You're cutting at like 8 o'clock between 8 and 11. There's afternoon baseball games. There's afternoon baseball games or whatever. You're right.

You're right. You just start bringing up conversations. You know, what do you think about this guy or whatever. And just let them start doing the talking. If they don't have to cut you off, then they don't want to talk about what are you watching. I'll flip the channel. Let's talk about something else then. So you have a TV. What other accoutrements can they expect?

Like do you have some beer around or whiskey or something? Why not? You're all ready. You're all ready. I serve it in a paper bag. He doesn't have the license to sweep up air I'm coming outside my house That's why I got bowled off with a leaf blow

You're giving the booze away for free though You're giving it away for free You're going to work it into the price of the haircut He's really going to make a lot of money then He's going to be in the red Cut a hair for 10 bucks $20 worth of beer The place I used to get my hair cut in Asbury They had a bar there where you could just like they'd give you a shot of whiskey.

They'd be like, hey, you want a beer? That kind of stuff. Really? And I guess local tavern guys came around or bars and shit. And we're like, yeah. You can't do it. Because they're giving it away for free and they're not going to drink there. It's like I got my haircut there several times.

It's not like anyone bellies up to the bar there and hangs out all day drinking free booze it's like you know but i guess i got in trouble for it cut the apron i'm not done you also like they were very like it was weird they were like there's a lot of testosterone in that room but at the same time they were like um like hipsters kind of was like had a very hipstery vibe to it uh like he would like there would be like like much like i think jeffrey's place will have a definitely yeah i mean look at other guys the personification uh but but there was like they had a bat there in case anybody got fresh they'd hit you with a bat which i never saw but it was there for the threat like in old saloons and shit how they used to have that yeah it was like it got

too hipstery for me plus it was too far away the place i go now is like it's all right but if i heard the word bro one time what a bro oh it's insane how many like i'm gonna record it next time i go in uh they asked me to come down on friday they're doing like they're having professional photographs taken for their website and shit. They want to fucking showcase my beard. Really? Are you going to go? I say, yeah, sure, why not? Maybe I'll get a free haircut out of it. For me, it's such a chore when

the girl starts going, so, what's your day been like? What do you got planned for after you get your haircut? Small talk free up until now. Is that awkward or just like nothing? Do you ever just think of making something up? No.

I'm always like surprised that like I'm always like because they don't initially, they don't start talking to you. So I close my eyes and then like. I just want my hair cut. A minute or two into it, all of a sudden the small talk starts. Sir, you're moaning again.

Why don't you bring Giddle with him? Let him sudden the small talk starts. Sir, you're moaning again. Why don't you bring Ginn with him and let him do the talking for you. I guess I should have a story in place already before I go in, but I'm always caught off guard. I usually go on the weekends and they're like, what did you do for this weekend? At the thinking, I'm like, holy shit, I didn't do

anything. You don't bring up the helium shortage? So she's making you feel bad. So how about this helium shortage be like i was there four in the morning sleeping outside party city just got two tanks in this morning but i'm always feel like oh fuck i mean do i how boring do i sound like i didn't do anything that sounds awesome to me i do nothing i i just get a haircut that was my only plan for the whole weekend. Cuts the conversation off quick, though, doesn't it? So what do you do?

Hit record, though. Next time, hit record and just make up a complete bullshit story. Like, start it out with, like, I had to go over to Freehold to see my brother in prison. And then just, boom, go from there. And just go from there. And just make shit up. It'd be interesting. I can't do it because they don't talk to me. They just talk to each

other and call each other bro all the time. I think that they feel like they're going to get a bigger tip if they connect more and they show an interest. I'm sure they're told by the manager to talk to the customer. But I just like the sound of that zzzzzz

in your ear. I love Jeffrey Barbershop. That's all you hear. It never stops stops sure that's the buzzer and they're always the question like so what do you do i'm always like i used to be on a tv show i never said that i. I never said that. But even now, I'm like, I don't know how to say. I work in retail, and that's not enough. Right. What do you sell? What do you sell?

What do you sell? I sell helium. Books. What kind of books? What kind of books? Funny books. Comic books. What?

No, I work at Jane Bob's. Turn off the buzzer like, what? Speak up, you mousy motherfucker. Do you have enough money to pay for this haircut? J and Bob's. Oh, I've been in there. I've been in there.

You guys sell... Then they want to talk about it. What do you guys sell in there? Like comics? That's where you lie. You just be like, it's a full-service deli. You're a grumpy guy. You sit back at the table all the time, aren't you? Yeah, it never really goes well after the small talk.

And then it's like the awkward quietness after that. Because you don't continue it. Yeah. Like your answers are sort of short, truncated. Because it sounds like I'm being curt, but I'm just being awkward. Yeah, you're just trying to make the time go by. It's just, I guess, less than just hearing the buzz. Well, just tell her that.

I guess not you. I'm just completely inept at interacting socially. I'm like a cigar Indian. Just keep me over there. I'll hold balloons if you want. Yeah, there was a guy who used to do my hair At this one place I always thought it was weird

I always thought to myself Because he was the one of these guys That wanted to be extremely hip Young guy Definitely was into like fashion And all the trendy shit One of those salons But I always thought it was weird that on his forearm,

right where you have your sage tattoo, he got a fucking barbershop pull. Oh. And I'm like, well, how... I went to barbering, are you? Yeah, how into cutting hair can you be that? Takes his success. He's like, this much.

That's like a union brother that wears that on his wrist like that. I mean, that would be like you getting a tire on your arm or something, right? Yes, and mine would have a flame on it. A flaming tire. It would be like a hot wheel. I don't understand. How into it could you be that you would get the sign of your profession on your arm? But who really nowadays, how often do you even see that sign of your profession on your arm.

But who really nowadays, how often do you even see that sign anymore? The barbershop pole? Yeah. Oh, you don't ever see it. It's very, very rare. But it's still universally recognized. You can show that for us. That red, white, and blue pole in the deepest, darkest jungle, and a native kid will know that that's a new haircut.

He's like, you put Batman symbols on my hair. He's got no shirt on. He's wearing a piece of grass for an underwear. He's got a loincloth. He's like, oh, snap, son. Is that a barber pole? Got a whole tribe out there with Batman symbols on the back of their head.

Fuckin' America, man. Fuckin' America's great. You've got barber poles all over the place, huh? Tell him, Steve. Oh, God.