Tell Em Steve-Dave - #453: One Boob Out

Episode Date: September 14, 2020

Night one of the IJ cruise finds a heavily medicated Bry talking about his distaste for crossing guards, inventive snaps and werewolf schools.

The The big navigations, the weather they went on, we tried on for fail. This is Augustin Day, we're in the jail, you win the check. Space, my ears. Are you ready? I think I can do better than that, are you ready? All right, I got this space, monkeys, yeah, coming so you was Brian Johnson and Brian Quinn. There's absolutely no videotape in guys. If I see videotape and I'm coming out tonight. We just, oh yeah, welcome to Space Monkeys. Yeah.

We just had an interesting, very short exchange backstage regarding this show. And I was like, I go to the dance and I go, I might be too drunk to go out there and do the show. And then you turned to me, and would you say, I was like, I think I took too much. In a very general sense. He took too much. In a very general sense. He took too much. Well, I've been sick, so I have to take cough syrup. What the prescription cough syrup?

People refer to it as like purple drink or lean if you're on the West Coast. I have to, otherwise, I have this cough. And then when you add all the other stuff in, you know, may not be prescribed, but it's fun nonetheless. I'm probably going to say some stuff tonight because I'm glad you said that. Because if you, does everybody here know what they're getting into, right? Everybody, nobody's here by accident.

Nobody wandered in looking for a fun show. Because you're not going to get that. It's going to be pretty horrible. Disgusting at times. So with that is, nobody could record this. Don't be the wisest that his record on your phone and puts it in your pocket to try and get it. Do this all the favor.

Please don't record this because I don't want to lose my job. All right. So just that's the only rule. No recording, no pictures. Then we'll go from there. And my reasoning is the same. I don't want you to lose your job because I will lose this job. I was, you'll appreciate this. If you're a listener of Tell Him Steve Dave, podcast I do with Q and my other buddy Walt Flanagan, with the Baron, you know that my mother Pam is crazy. She's, yes, like a crazy lady. She thinks she's wicking so whenever I travel and what is wicking could you just for everybody that doesn't know I don't know can somebody describe it to me. It's like white magic you worship They're which like a white witch right Which is weird because she she really likes evil witches like

Like all like this she likes like like wizard of Oz Right, well, there's a good end head that, which is in the Wizard of Oz, this is both. Yeah. But so when I travel anywhere, she's like, I have to put a bubble on you, a protective bubble. The Wikens have figured this out. The fucking airline industry hasn't, you know? But somehow the Wikens have figured out that if you cast this spell, it'll put a protective

bubble around your mode of transportation. And like the same as the one that's at St. Somebody or other who helps you along the way. St. Michael's in Peter. I got to be honest. I only just now started focusing on this conversation. So I'm a little lost as though, we're still talking about Pam. That's a really good point because we both get distracted very easily and I lose my focus within second.

So please pay attention to what we're saying. So when in editably I'm like, what was I saying again? You guys will know and then I'll kind of remind me. But anyway, so Pam is like every time I go somewhere she's like, I mean, not like, you know, the store or something, but you know, traveling. She'll do this protective bubble. And so she texts me before we leave, right? Because I told her sage, you know, maybe no Tom Steve Dave, you know sage, my 14 year

old kid got down syndrome They went a letter on the boat no coronavirus no downs. Yeah kids. They said well, we didn't want everybody to catch down syndrome, so we figured We would do it. So I said you know sage as if she could stay your place tomorrow night Pam says absolutely smiley emoji When and how do you go on the cruise need to bubble you smiley emoji. When and how do you go on the cruise, need to bubble you smiley emoji? I said, we leave early Sunday morning, so I'll drop her off mid afternoon tomorrow. Pretty straight, right?

I just, I got it. That'll be great, are you flying? I say, yes, at least from Miami. She goes, are you driving to Miami? No, caps, exclamation point. Why would I question Mark exclamation point? She writes don't know just trying to gather bubble info smiling emoji Do you think your mother feels in her heart? She buys into this? Yeah, she believes it. Do you think in her heart to heart, she was like, on that horrible morning,

she was like, if I had just put a bubble on Kobe, he would, what? You're acting like he's hit something bad. I think you're on the something and we should go after my mother, yeah. Yeah. No, like you do legitimately like that one example aside. Do you think that if she was like, oh, if only I had put a bubble on him, he would not have died. She believes

it. Yeah. She believes it. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, she's like if Kobe's mother was a better mother, we'll practice a little white witchcraft. Maybe Kobe would be alive today. But so many people loved Kobe. Like so you know. Nobody loves me. Right. No. But like so many people loved Kobe and like so just because nobody took the act of putting

a bubble on him. Like all that love didn't save him. Like there wasn't one Wicken Kobe fan who could have been like, well they don't have his numbers so they can't have his numbers so they can't harass them about the emojis and the bubble and this and that, right? They don't know his travel plans. No, because what I found out is that this series

of emojis that follows after I finally give her the goddamn information she wants is rainbow car, rainbow plane, rainbow my limoji kissy fix emoji all right so good all right it's done or so I thought I thought I thought it was done but it turned out it wasn't because when I dropped sage off she goes she starts the line of questioning again. She's like how are you getting to the boat? And I was like what do you mean? I was like we're flying to Miami and she goes well but then how? I was like we're gonna drive. She goes you're driving all the way there? I go all the way where? What are you talking about?

And I don't know why the fuck she didn't think like it would leave from Miami, but since it's left from Tampa or New Orleans in the past, she thought I was flying to Miami to drive there to then leave. Right. And I'm like, what the fuck does it matter anyway? You know? And then later on, Mary Beth explained it to me because I didn't, and she's done this so many times.

I think this is the first time. She just explained it to me because I didn't, and she's done this so many times. I think this is the first time. She just explained it. She goes, well, she's asking you all this so that she knows the order that she should put the emojis like if I'm driving first, that comes then the plane. Like that's why it was so important to know each leg. And I hadn't thought about that. I hadn't thought about how much time

she would put into something like that. And then I was like, who the fuck cares? It's a colossal fucking waste of my time. I don't want to tell you every fucking leg of the trip, put one fucking bubble on, or don't. Because sometimes I wish I were like Kobe. Being like, oh, good, she doesn't know the fucking leg. I didn't tell her about where we fucking, you know,

backpack a little bit to get to the goddamn Like holy shit, man And that's how you started your little vacation. That's how it started off. Yeah Wow, is that why you're all hopped up on the on the goof pills the I need it. Yeah. Yeah, I need it. Yeah, or like the cruise What a fucking good time the cruise is I mean, you know That was not convincing that sounded like everyone is having a really shitty time on this boat No, don't don't need it now

Don't need it now because the first they're like wait, the good time, are you including this because that may affect my decision. We want to bring someone out though. Yes, can we? Someone to, I would say as much time as he's put in, even to the point where like when I was, if you weren't here two years ago, at one point I was abducted by engines, real American Indians, who forced me to drink their firewater, and I was like a half hour late, and Adam filled in. Yeah, that's how the story went exactly.

We were on the cruise, and we were supposed to start the show in midnight, and at 12 o'clock he still wasn't here. 12 o'clock I started the show, with Adam Green came out and hosted the show. 1232 he walks in and says that he was kidnapped by Indians who gave him fire water and that's why he wasn't at the show. That's what these people had to believe. And it sounds not true but then it was true.

No, it was true. It wasn't true. I was at the buy the casino, whatever the bar is, and there were American Indians there. Who I was sitting with and hanging out with, and they were buying me drink after drink. Okay, so far, there's been no abductions. And what is fire water?

Like you're buying them, like what are you talking about? Well, that's what they were calling it. Okay. They? Yeah, the it. Okay. They? Yeah. The Indians. Okay. Yeah.

I liked them. I had a pretty rowdy once they got here, though. Yeah. They were annoying when they got here. Yeah, then they sat right there with those white reserve signs on them. And they were like, just annoyed me the whole show. And I couldn't even say anything about it because I'm a fucking white man. That's right.

And I can't tell the Indian to shut up because we gave him the blankets with the label over. Did you give them a second set of Joker's beach towels that were... You were assholes. I was like, take this gift. So anyway, let's bring out Adam Green. Doing what it is, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Adam did of course direct to me and Victor Crowley and he's an excellent friend and he's like a son and just a sweet all-around guy man I'm drinking all this

delicious R&H beer and I gotta tell you it gets me where I gotta go before we came on I was looking at his R&H beer plug and I was like do you ever feel really guilty if you drink another beer now? Like, are somebody should see you doing it? And he was like, no. And that was it. And I don't.

But the fuck, it's not available everywhere. Adam, have you, like, when you're going out, you're trying to score some tail, some trim, and you're a movie director, but, like, where you live, that might not be enough, just to be, like, oh, I'm a director. That's the problem. So, when you say, like, when you say, they're like, oh, what have you directed and you tell them some of the hardest stuff, and then you're like, oh, but I also directed Frozen you tell them some of the horror stuff and then you're like Oh, but I also directed frozen without further clarifying

Does that help you? Yes, it does it gets you the soccer moms Well depends what or if I'm shooting real young This is my favorite part of every cruise because inevitably there's somebody who walks in here because they're just like Cue cute of every cruise because inevitably there's somebody who walks in here because they're just like, Q's, Q! There she is. And then they leave fucking horrifying. I still cute.

Well, the most. No way. There's a transformation like when they come in and they're like, oh, I sure hope he tries to find Larry, you know, and then and then you're talking about like Hey, you want to hear some more Nazi stuff? You ever hear the Turner diaries, you know like that kind of shit? Then they're like oh he turns to a monster right before my eyes like the howling or something, right? Well, so yeah, I made a movie called frozen right? Thank you. Oh, you saw it.

And so that came out in 2010. The 10th anniversary was like a week ago. And it's about three skiers that get trapped on a chairlift. And then four years later, Disney puts out Frozen. And so for the rest of my life, I have to keep hearing, let it go and go to build a snowman, go fuck yourself. And last week, it was announced that the new Saw movie, instead of calling it Saw, whatever, 12,

they're calling it Spiral, which was my second movie, Spiral, which came out in 2008. So I can't win. If somebody names a movie digging up the marrow, I'm calling bullshit on that one. Was anyone here for that last year? So really quick, just a public service announcement. Tomorrow night, I'm showing a movie called Chillerama.

Kate Hodders is going to be here. Q is going to be hosting. And if you have never seen the movie, and you want to bring your kids don't like it's There's so many bodily fluids flying around in this movie. There's giant sperm. There's a Jewish Frankenstein There's so much sex like so yeah, it's it's not it's not like the cute Adam Green thing with the dog and Harwin and that like This is the really sick shit, so don't don't bring your kid the first year the arwin and that, like this is the really sick shit. So don't bring your kid. The first year I was asked to explain what fisting is.

To a seven year old. He did. This is why we put these shows at midnight. And the hopes that people will not bring children. Adam doesn't mention it was by his eight year old girlfriend. Can you explain this to my little sister? Well, so I did. No actually I didn't. You stopped me. I said when a man really really loves a one actually or So you guys missing the Kobe talk yet?

Or are we going to go full ahead with the fist thing? That's what we're going to do. All right. Make a mental note about how many seats and microphones. Because right now you're like, man, who else? Just wait. We definitely overestimate the number of people who are willing to risk their careers.

Well, all right. Well, what do we got in the notebook? Well, we should have, well, is Jim Brewer here? Because Jim said he was going to come by. I don't clap yet, because I don't know if he is. Brewer is not here. Brewer is not here. Maybe he'll show up. I sure hope he does.

I mean, he's here. You want him? I'm a shame. Come out. You want to come on out, Jay? You want to come on out, Jay? In fact, yeah, you, come out. Do I call my notch? Wanna come on outch? In fact, yeah, you should come out. Shae, Shae, everybody.

Yeah, I see you here right next to me. I'll go here, how are you guys? Yes. She sat so far away from me. I directed Frozen. I'll see you later. We should round it up. Maybe we'll save this one for Jim Brewer, but we'll round this out with two more very funny guys. Casey Joest and Joe Embersio.

Oh, they're coming out. They said they were here. Oh, they're here with, with Embersio's sweater. He's wearing the best sweater. It's just amazing. They said they were here. Are they here with, was in Burgess sweater? I'm, where is there? All right. He's wearing the best sweater. It's just amazing. Oh, there he is. Woo!

There he is. There he is. Look at him. I guess Casey's career was too hot. You didn't show up. He was lovable scamp. You guys. How you doing, bud?

Thanks for having me. This is great. OK, hello. So Joe, for you guys that don't know, is a comedy producer on a practical joker's, which is just a way of getting around the union rules if we call them a writer. Yeah, I'm just, yeah.

You're scabbing the situation to me or you? I think we're all scabs. If we call them writer, like we'd have to actually like pay him a fair amount, and like, he'd have to join a union and stuff like that. So instead we go, you want to produce some comedy? My writing it. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I get it. That's a good one. They got me and that's what they call me, executive producer. Very good. They just cut me out of the wall.

It's upsetting. Anyway, so here we are. So I don't know what Casey is. I don't know where Casey is either. All right. I hate you all having to explain. Well, this is close. People don't like Casey anyway

Is that true do you guys not like Casey? Come on now Has anyone here ever written a comment about Casey on the internet? Just what was it about I don't know that I don't know, that's he's annoying. No, I'm just kidding. I'm totally kidding. Totally kidding. I did it. Remember, we did, um, we were in Asbury Park,

not this past Super Bowl, but the one before. They asked if I would do, um, a podcast on a, it was a sports podcast, which is weird. Because I don't know anything about sports, and I think they knew that. But it was like, it was a live thing, and there were several different people, Joe, who was there, case he was there.

And the guy who was hosting it, this is really disappointing to me because Joe and I started talking about, do you remember this? We were talking about, we wanted to make a road trip movie. This is pre-jokers too. So now it would just seem derivative since you guys are the first people to ever make a road trip movie. Um, um, but I was like, what if, what if we dressed on earth? I didn't say anything. I didn't even mention a movie.

What if we dressed up Joe like he was a little boy and I was his dad and we played it straight Road trip movie and then whoa What's going on? She was not looking so cute they go on a road trip I apologize For everything that was said in the show guys I apologize Why don't you go to Murray's fucking book reading. Fucking a wake in 12. Why don't you go listen to that? They can't you have to buy You're about to write, though.

There's a feel bad for Murray sometimes. I feel like he gets it the worst. So bad. Wait, are you kidding? They threw him out of a plane, then Sal has to pick up a chicken. Like... Yeah, but it's a ratio. It's like, if that chicken is, is, Mars playing, you know what I mean?

Like, Sal's such a pussy. Because he's such a pussy. That like, things like that are the equivalent of jumping out of a plane. It's true. It is true. I don't know. I think it's worse to jump out of a plane.

What's that? Shake her. Well, God-shaped, Marr, we just... We just finished. Yeah. Finish the job. Yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, how you doing, Shay? I feel like you. Too much? Maybe. Yeah, you took too much as well. My cheeks are killing me right now. So I wanted to assemble, I mean, it didn't work out that way, but I wanted to assemble like a super team of comedians who could help me judge something, but you guys are gonna have to do.

You know, what the fuck Jim Brewer didn't show up, dynamic Farlands like, my kid goes a bed early, so I can't do it. You couldn't even get Casey Joost. Casey Joost, who's fucking, who's most famous claim, like claim to fame is that he's not Colin Joost You just you couldn't even get him I couldn't get Colin Jo's little brother They're related right Yeah, could you believe that's Garjo's gonna be Casey's fucking sister and look how crazy is that shit?

Could you believe that's Garjo's gonna be Casey's fucking sister and look how crazy is that shit? That's awesome. What's crazy is like I haven't seen Casey in one eyes out sure to even though his brother does a national campaign Oh, I think I think they hate each other's guts. I want to I'm gonna start spreading this room right now That was what that was about earlier when we heard Casey talking to screaming out of really on the bed They had to take them off the boat. Did you hear about that? Yeah, we had to celebrate the Joe's brothers Colin was trying to get on the boat. It was the whole thing So anyway, yeah, the funny people had something else to do But Adam I'll tell you.

Adam's funny, but like, he's funny, like, dark funny, like, the shit he says, you can't say in front of most people and not be reported or on a list or like something like that. Let me interrupt real quickly to talk about policy genius. September is National Life Insurance Awareness Month, but with everything going on right now, a lot of people aren't even aware if it's possible to buy a life insurance at all. Good news is, you can. If you have loved ones depending on your income, you probably should. So right now you can say $1,500 or more a year by using policy genius to compare life insurance policies. So whether you're shopping for a policy that could last a decade or more, those savings really start to add up. And policy geniuses and insurance marketplace built in back by a team of industry experts. This is how it works.

Head to policygenius.com and manage you can work out how much coverage you need and compare quotes from top insurers and find a great price. Apply for your lowest price. The policy genius team will handle all the paperwork and red tape. Oh, I don't like any kind of tape, red or otherwise. Policy genius works for you, not the insurance company. So if you hit any speed bumps during the application process, they'll take care of everything. And policies which allow eligible customers to skip the in-person medical exam and do it over the phone are available. So if you need life insurance, head to policygenius.com

right now to get started. You could say $1,500 more a year by comparing quotes on their marketplace policy genius. When it comes to insurance, it's nice to get it right. I'll tell you Adam, I have a very famous friend, right? Whose name I don't want to reveal so that we can move ahead with anonymity. So I'm just going to call him by his last name. The first initial, I call him Mr. Q. He's a very cool first name, though the spelling is a bit pedestrian, if you ask me. So he invites me to hang out in his room.

We were up in the cat's skills, not just me and him, but... And we're hanging out, we're watching TV, and I'm writing something down, and he's like, oh, what are you doing? And I said, I'm writing some snaps. Right? You know? Snaps? Your mama.

Snaps. Type thing. He's like, snaps, and I'm like, yeah, I want to try to get into the snap game. I wanted to try it when I was young, but I didn't really have the courage or the skill. So maybe now, after years of working at it, I'm ready. Is he intention to write them in advance and then have them ready to go?

Well, I'm going to write him for somebody else. Gotcha. Yeah. He wants that at this stage in his life and career become a ready to go. Well, I'm gonna write it for somebody else. Gotcha. He wants that at this stage in his life and career become a paid snap writer, is what he's given me a team of the morning and the fucking cat skills, like, Mount Erie Lodge or other the hell we were.

Yeah, pretty much. And I came up with, look. Well, does anybody even know what snaps are? Because I heard that. I heard that. I heard that. I heard it on the theater. I've never heard of snaps because they're over the age of

fucking 25. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, young people, you guys don't know a lot of cool stuff. You don't know anything about 70s pop culture. When you hear an insult and you want to say, oh snap, that was a snap. That was good. You just heard that one.

Different from a crack. You used them in like the dozens and stuff, right? Yes. Okay. I'm going to go to an authority and fucking you. Like, bread mother fuckers, why am I asking? They're telling us about snaps, right? There's a whole theme going on tonight.

Anyway, so he's like, hey, it's weird, but I'm going to be doing a live show in front of thousands of people. How about I read your snap and then we'll gauge the reaction and probably they're going to love it. So you can go on to become a snap writer and I was like, excellent, that sounds like a great plan. So he goes up there and I'm watching from the audience and he definitely tore pedos at on purpose.

Or he's just not funny because people didn't like it It was what was the joke? Well, I'm gonna let Shay read it because I don't want these people to be tainted No, I he should say it first. See I thought maybe you should say it first and then they can compare it like as like his feeble attempt I think she should say it first, yeah. Don't you think? Yeah, Shay, what do we got? All right, well, now you've got to tell me what it is in my ear.

Well, no, no, no, I wrote it down on a card. All right, let me do it. In fact, I read the second snap to unveil tonight. And I'm going to, instead of letting you fuck it up, I'm going to have, go right to Shay, who I know will give the respect and the proper effect and intonation of deserves. So, Richley,

that's in here. That's just your way of saying Shay's gonna talk black. No, man. Is that what you're trying to get at? Okay, this is the snap that I wrote, he gets up there and then later on he called it back but I would you know when he looked for it, I had already left because I was in my room considering hanging myself. I never brought that up until today. I never fucking mentioned that until today. I went back to my room and contemplated it to a side because I was like, he just fucking tanked my career this fucking idiot you know.

But I did the call back of the call back on left. Oh did it? Yeah. I mean I wasn't there to see it so maybe it's a delay. It's a delay snap. Yeah. You can't know the snap like that's why it's called a snap. You know, yeah.

You don't know the fucking snap 20 minutes later right? I think about it. And then have to repeat the joke and be like come on guys it's funny. They're like, okay I paid for this I guess you know, that's what the audience is thinking. Everybody is confused. What the fuck you're talking about at this point? What do you even want these people to watch? I already want them about the coughs here, Pinchet.

What's the thesis we're all laughing at to you? Shade is going to read this snap to you guys. And then I'm going to let you read it. And I want you to notice the difference in everything, the body language, like, look, he's from Staten Island. So there's an inherent, like, dopiness in the expression where, like, like, they perpetually don't understand something. And then when they open their mouths and also there is some degree

of glazing in the eye, like, over. And when they talk, like when they open their mouth, and look, like I said, my kid has Down syndrome when I love her, but the way she talks and the Staten Island accent are strikingly similar. He just said, my humor is dark. Like, they sound almost exactly like, I don't know if you would even be able to hear it. But Sal and Sage did a duet to, you know that song, Popcorn? Who did Sal?

Yeah. He doesn't know it. My style? Yeah. My style. Your style. With your daughter. Yeah, I'll play a little bit of it

That's sage and south saying popcorn Why does it sound kind of like This is good Who the fuck and why do you have that on your phone? Like what is going on? Because you pulled that out of nowhere like Like you've, that didn't, you didn't naturally segue into that. You had to fucking find a reason to play that. That God damn it, you found it. God damn right.

No, nobody was leaving this place without hearing that. No matter what it took. I needed to prove my point. I think I did. I mean, nobody knows where your point is. I don't know. My point is that Sage and Sal have the exact same accent as do all St in island people.

Okay, what's your previous point? What are we reading off the previous point? Oh, the snap, that's right. Why is it Jim Brewer here? Yeah. Jim Brewer. I was looking forward to it too because I had a whole bunch of Jim Brewer stuff. We'll get to snap it just a second. But what? Read the fucking stuff? But what Jim Brewer didn't, doesn't realize?

And I didn't, I knew it, but I did not remember it until I was like doing a little bit of research. Is that 1995 Jim Brewer was played Randall in the unared clerks' pile. I remember that, yeah. That Kevin Smith wrote, but he didn't have anything to do with the pilot, and they cast Jim Brewer as Jay, but they called him Ray.

And it never made it to air. It was terrible. That's what I heard that it was terrible, but I wanted to tell Jim Brewer like, dude, you didn't know it back then, and you didn't know it. No, he was Randall. He was Randall. And you didn't know it, well, I'm sorry, did I say J?

Yeah, no, he said J. No, I'm Randall, Randall. You didn't know it in 97 when we met at the Goodwill Hunting premiere, I doubt he would remember that. But you played a character based on me. Like that's weird, that's a weird six degrees of separate, well, what a benefit, fucking showed up. But since he didn't, I guess it's not.

Well, you were at the Goodwill hunting premier. Yeah, I was what were your credentials? I knew Kevin who was an exact producer But I have you you're how long you've been in this business the credentials are the people I know I have no fucking marketable skills or talents at all It's just because of who I know tell me about it. Yeah and marketable skills are talent at all. It's just because of who I know. Tell me about it, yeah. Mm-hmm. You produce some good comedy, bro. Thank you.

Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. You're behind the scenes, yeah. Not in front of. No, Lord, no. You're hideous with the eyebrow. Yeah, it's an affliction. It's a deformity we can't have out.

We can't have you as the face of our company. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So I wrote this. Arap. And she's going to read it. Yeah, so I wrote this verse. And she's going to read it as it was meant to be read. All right, get a little glance.

It's good stuff, right? This is shake every day. She loved it. You fucking lost it. Do you have an audio book? No! Now I'm nervous, engine. You're my mom is so dumb, she forgot the words

for the liberty of. Say I'm so dumb. Oh no. You got it so dumb. You were my ringer. What the fuck am I going to do now? Let her go, she'll get it. Oh God.

No, the reason it's not tracking is because it doesn't make any fucking sense. It does too. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Liberty, it's one word, that's the joke. Oh. You're a fucking comedy producer? What a fucking show. On what fucking planet? That has nothing to do with commercials. I, for fuck sake, you're in the TV industry. You're supposed to know all this shit, man. How did the horror director get that before the comedy producer? That's not even a jingles, the same word over and over again.

Right. And that's why your mama's so dumb, Joe. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Fuck your, your fucking mother's son. Oh, wait, who's supposed to be mine? Okay. I don't get the joke either. I'm from fucking Staten Island.

Can't tell by my eyes. That's the way I talk like Brian's kid. For fuck's sake, these guys. Let's give that one more try. All right, well, all alright, let's try. I feel like it's the finishing retry. Yeah. Watch me fuck up again.

Your mom is so dumb, she forgot the words for the Liberty Mutual Jingle. How I know, ow! I got it. I got it. Now I get it. I felt that, I, that hit. I got it, I had to get it to her.

We didn't do it myself. Hey, can I, can I do one? I only have I, that hit. I got it, I had to get it to the little, with it myself. Hey, can I, can I do one? I only have two, so no. I have, I have, but fuck it up. I have a little bit of trepidation here, man. I have to proceed with caution. Like, my best friend in the world goes up there and fucking is like staring at me

as he fucking missed the livers, a fucking brilliant line. Like, to purposely bring me down, because that's the thing about these famous guys. Like like they all want to keep you at a certain level, you know, because they're fucking narcissists that fucking have this incestant need to feed the ego, and part of that is watching people around them fail, or at least not do as well as they do. You didn't know that either? No, I'm still relatively near to the business. Brian Quinn, I cannot tell you how much I love Brian Quinn. He is such a fucking great guy.

Like in so many ways that like people will never know. He's the best. You don't have to say that just because you... Just because you savage me. I was talking about this other guy. Okay, so here's the second snap. Just because you savage me. I was talking about this other guy. OK, so here's the second snap. Yeah, your mama's so dumb she's got the words

the Liberty Mutual Jingle. That was the first one. Yeah, now this one, now it's just, now make, this is like, death jam snap reading, OK? So give it a good once over. OK. Get it in your head like you're not sitting up here with a bunch of fucking crackers you with your homies, right? So you pretend SNL just ended and night at the Apollo is coming on. And you don't change the channel right away. Shay, black power. Yeah. All right.

I think I got this one. Your mom is so fat. Her door dash delivery instructions say team live. Yeah. That was perfect. These people, they're fucking IJ fans, they're dollars. They don't know what the fuck the laugh is. They don't watch.

Can somebody jam? No? How many door dash users do we have? I don't even understand it. Door dash? Yep. Joe, have you never ordered from door dash? No, I have some credits to door dash,

but I haven't taken a plunge yet. You're probably so fat. I've done this, liberty and charts, and say team lift. Have you never, okay, so I guess you guys have never gone to say like a box store to buy furniture. No one is too heavy for one person to lift. So it says team lift on the box. I thought it was an anti-Uber joke. I thought it was okay.

Yeah, that's what I thought too. I thought it was L's. His door dash lift, Uber. Yeah. You fucking, this is the problem with fucking millennials. This is the fucking problem with you guys, man. You're like, is it an app? Can I fucking record myself and get attention on it?

Then I don't want to fucking hear about it. I'm talking about old school going into a fucking loaase. You know? You know, loaase. Take something off a shelf that's too high, that's too heavy and doing it anyway. You know what it's a team lift? Team lift.

Yeah, the problem is definitely the audience. It always is. It always is. They should have connected the dots about lows in the 1970s and really drove that joke home. It is a big problem, you guys, not caring about shit that I care about Come up here. I want you to be the millennial representative

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, come on up. Yeah, I think we got enough seats You're gonna regret it. No, she's gonna be good. I can tell she's a millennial. She's a Polaroid shirt That's like hipster That's like your time shit, right? Did you guys know there was a guy in the audience? Oh, there's several. What? So I thought it was all women. My eyes are still adjusting.

I was like, this is such a good looking crowd. Oh. It really is. You're a good looking crowd. Yeah. You got to pick up that microphone right there. Hey, you know, I wouldn't interrupt. They show us we're absolutely necessary.

So let's talk about meandys very quickly. It's the spookiest time of the year and I just got some with ghosts. They're pretty fucking awesome. So are you ready for the fall and Halloween printed undies? They're made from irresistibly soft natural fibers sourced from beachwood trees and you know what natural fibers mean. It means that their micromodal or modal, whichever, is not only super soft but breathable, light and impossibly cozy.

It's impossible. I don't know how they do it. There's some serious comfort in those meandies, and they do everything to make you feel truly comfortable from head to toe, from outside to in backwards and forwards, you know, all that shit. So never run out of meandies with them. Meandies membership. A subscription that sends new pairs right to your door plus get site-wide savings and exclusive sales. Miendis has a great offer for the Tellum Steve Dave listeners. For any first-time purchasers, you get 15% off in free shipping. It's a no-brainer. So we have an ascaricro from the Wizard of Oz to get these fucking Miendis. I'd like to see them in a pair of thong Miendis. They have 100% satisfaction guarantee that's all you need to know.

So get 15% off your first-door order free shipping and a 100% satisfaction guarantee, go to meandys.com slash T-E-S-D. That's meandys.com slash T-E-S-D. Hi. Hey, so how old are you? 18. You're 18. What do you care?

I'm 18. I'm frozen. I'm 18. I'm frozen. What's your age? I'm 18. It makes you feel better. I'm 18. I'm 18. I'm 18. I'm 18. I'm 18. What do you care about at 18?

I mean me personally. I'm like an old soul. I like music. Like Elvis. Elvis, you're saying that goes cues up here. Probably like Tom Petty. I do like that. Johnny Cash.

You can put that down and get at it. Go back to your seat God damn it. Get off his lawn. Here's a good question. You know what? Are you still in school? High school? Yeah. Oh good. Then you should stay up here to answer this, all right? So my kid was cheerleader. I love sage. She's awesome. She is greatest of your videos are her. Oh my god Again, if you're not familiar with sage. She's my niece, but she's lived with me for the past 12 years I maintain that she is

Funnier and has better comic timing than Definitely won possibly two of my former co-stars of comic book men. A hundred percent. So wait, okay, this is where you guys come in. What was I just talking about? High school, high school. Okay, so if the opposing, if the opposing school's team, they have like a lion mascot right and I come into the gym because like I'm on sage's side so like you know the lions are the people I don't like

so if I come in dressed in full safari gear with a functional shotgun but it's not loaded is that like an issue, should that be an issue? You know, I'm not going to hurt anyone. I'm just trying to like, razz the other team. Because you don't win unless you put them on edge. Like, when I was young, people would, like, they would, if somebody was shooting a foul shot, they would be like, air ball, like, in hopes that, yeah.

It would be an air ball. Or choke. They don't do that anymore. Chow is supposed to do. They still say choke an air ball? Yes. All right. They still do that anymore. Joe's, do they still say choking airball? Yes. They still do that.

That was before Columbine. Oh my God. Well, now if you have a gun, it's a different thing. What if you had a net? What if you were a hunter with a net? Yeah, how people catch lines with nets? And I don't have a question to ask Adam. Maybe he's somebody to warn it Maybe I need some of the coordinates.

I need some, yeah, if a net people aren't gonna care. A shotgun people care. So that's why that's- What about like a trank gun, like you're hunting to tag them and then release them? Ooh, yeah, you know. So you're gonna get the other team, you're gonna fucking dart them, tag their ass, send them back to one of his shit hole high school to game from. There you go. Alright, we gotta figure it out, we don't need you for that.

But how about this? Don't worry, youngster. Yeah. The middle age has figured it out. White patriarchy has figured it out. Just like they always do. I'll lie down there and you can take a shit on me. You can shut her by talking to my ass.

We'll be figuring this out. Yes. No, but this would be good to ask her by God. Thank you for my effort. We'll be figuring this out. Yes. No, but this would be good to ask her because no one really does ask the youth. This is, again, is a school shooting question. Do you think that school shootings are less frequent at werewolf schools because silver bullets are so expensive? Is that another snap? I don't know. I don't know. I don't think anyone has ever thought that ever. Yeah, come on.

I don't think anyone has ever thought that ever. Where Wolf's school. I don't think anyone has ever thought that ever. Where Wolf's school. I don't think anyone has ever thought that ever. Yeah, come on. I don't think anyone has ever thought that ever. Where Wolf's school.

I don't think anyone has ever thought that ever. Where Wolf's school. I don't think anyone has ever thought that ever. I don't think anyone has ever thought that ever. Where Wolf's school. I don't think anyone has ever thought that ever. I don't think anyone has ever thought that ever. Where Wolf's school. I don't think anyone has ever thought that ever. Where Wolf's school. I don't think anyone has ever thought that ever. Where Wolf High School? Think about that for the next fucking horror movie.

Well, what's his name Michael J. Fox like Teen Wolf? He was in high school. It was kind of that, right? Yes. I don't think anybody knew he's a wearable though. Oh, they didn't I never saw the movie. Did they know they know he was a wearable? I'm never it was dancing around the top of style fucking wagon and shit like that. They knew who he was. Wait wait are you talking about the teen wolf MTV series or something That's a different teen wolf I didn't even know there was different you remember Jason baseball Jason Babel was in teen wolf 2 and it was spelled T. Oh Yeah, that was too old he was also a teen wolf Yeah, and then he was in boxing not basketball remember oh Yeah, yeah remember that shit. I'm gonna Here, wearable if you're good at sports. So you're positing that because it's a wearable high school.

There are less shootings because of silver bullets more expensive. Meaning that, meaning why? Like the kids can't afford this, they can use other bullets. Right, like regular bullets are nothing, but like, not only the cost, but I think of the effort. But it's only one night a month. Right, regular bullets are nothing, but not only the cost, but I think of the effort. But it's only one night a month. Right? I feel like the kids with a silver bullet.

Yeah, that's true statistically, only one in 20 days it's possible. Right, so you're in where it's at a regular high school. Nine, 10 months, that's nine, 10 months. It involves on the weekend. There's no fucking way these people are into this conversation. There's just no way.

It has gone into a rambling mode that I don't think they can't even enjoy. I think the kids with the silver bullets are the right-year shooters because they're... What is going on? Are you taking too much on stage right now? Yeah. Um, yeah. All right, well, everybody's going to be a baby about school shootings. I just want to talk about something else.

The second Space Monkey's podcast I've been on about school shootings, you know? Yeah, they generally always come up with that. Oh, it's... Oh, it's... Oh, it's... Oh, it's... Oh, it's... Oh, it's...

Oh, it's... Oh, it's... Oh, it's... Oh, it's... Oh, it's... Oh, it's... Oh, it's... Oh, it's... Oh, it's... Oh, it's... Oh, it's... to do with school but not, you know, nothing violent. Do you guys find when you're driving around like in the morning or afternoon especially that you find crossing guards really overstepping

their authority? They're so fucking arrogant, right? Are there any crossing guards in the audience? Is there anybody who crosses kids? Where? Where, where? Like it. Oh yeah! Come down here! Come down here! Make yourself known. Don't answer for your brethren. Why would you involve yourself in this?

It's so odd. Yeah, you must have known what was going to happen. Look at her arrogant swagger too. You can tell she's a fucking crossing guard, by the way, she walks. What if she only walks with her? She only walks that way between the hours of seven and nine. And then again from two to four. And not when there's a full moon, because she's a rival.

Otherwise, her shoulders are slumped as they should be. Defeated. Hello. Hello. Check. All right. Hello, what's your name? Patty. Patty, what was your name again? Cass. Cass, do you obey the crossing guard? Not usually. No, you don't obey me either. Talking to the goddamn microphone. She looked like 40 cars go like what the fuck am I supposed to do? Say here for nine hours. Okay, so what the fuck man? Like seriously

Crossing guards are like more way more enthusiastic than regular cops They're always stepping out into the road to like to direct traffic even though like there like there's a kid half a block away And it's like now I have to fucking wait here. They're directing traffic that they should have been direct. I'm not talking about you. Yeah, I'm talking about you. Where do you cross kids? I had cross kids by Starkweather.

You wouldn't know you're not from Michigan. No, I'm not. Now that I know it's in Michigan, though, I have a better fucking sense of what you're talking about. I'm not now that I know it's a Michigan though I have a better fucking sense of what you're talking about I'm telling you if they're always a problem crossing cards regardless Like when I was basically for elementary kids Yeah, just get them across the street and cuz cars will not stop. They don't care if a kid is in the crossing rock. They'll just roam over, you know? It's just, you know, a little bit of jam.

I agree. I went to, I reported someone for doing exactly that, like, passing the school bus. And I had to go to court, and three times they tried, like, they just continue to try to not show up, because they're like, I will just wear them down. I'm like, you have no idea how petty I am other than you. And I went to the bitter end, and I got fine $200

for passing the school bus. I was like, I got the money, but I got the satisfaction. So it sounds like that you're on the same side. Like, what's the issue here? No, in some ways we are, but in other ways, we're completely like diametric. The funniest one that I ever had was a cop car almost hit me. That what? A cop car. He wasn't paying attention. A cop car a cop car almost hit me. That what?

A cop car. He wasn't paying attention. A cop car drove by? Almost hit her. Almost hit her. That's true, that's true. Yeah. Yeah.

Coming down the street, kids in the middle of a crosswalk and cop, guess, I don't know where he was going. Was he on a cell phone? What a cop's talking on cell phones. Who knows? Do you think that that cop was a cop crossing guard and was like jealous of you? Probably.

If you were a crossing guard for a werewolf school, would you be more afraid a couple days out of the year? No. No. What if it was night school though? Then you would be afraid. Oh, heck no, I got that. I got that great big sign.

I'll just beat the living crap out of them. How old are the oldest kids you cross? Actually, I have crossed middle schoolers while there was a bridge thing that had fallen. So what's that like 14 or whatever, like 14? OK. Would you, like, if they were going to transfer you, they're like, look, it's probably the most dangerous neighborhood in the

shit. And these aren't middle schoolers, these are high schoolers but they didn't do very well in school so a lot of them are like 25, you know, around that age and they're really angry about shit But hey, do you want to fucking cross people or not? Like are you committed? Are you a fucking crossing guard or not? You know what if you treat people with respect, they'll treat you, because we... Yeah, hello. Okay. There was...

Nice knowing you crossing guard. You are fucking arrogant. What a dummy. It's like these missionaries that go to countries where they know they cannibalize people. And they're like, how the fuck did I get in this soup pot? All I was doing was talking about God. You're stupid asshole.

You don't think that her supposed to attitude is dealing with the fact that like, she's trying to protect these kids, and she's just dealing with assholes and cars all day. Even the people who are supposed to be protecting the kids are like, ooh, look at the cops. Yeah, and you don't think she's at a right to just assume that you're coming down the pipe

that you're just another fucking asshole? Like, why should she look at you and be like, I get trust's at a right to just assume that you're coming down the pipe that you're just another fucking asshole Like why should she look at you and be like I get trust him to do the right thing as opposed to being like hey Asshole fall in line right, but if there's kids but you'll do cross adults if it's that because I will fucking go down to like the you know walk by the school, but you know because I like the scenery I'm just doing my job. I apologize. I know you're old enough to cross the street. But do you cross adults?

I like to keep it. Can I ask, was your name again? Patty. Patty, I want to hit you so much. Oh, go right ahead. It's so easy. How do you know? But you're so pleasant.

You're a great person. That's how they fool you, though. If she were at a crosswalk, you'd be like, no, she's a bitch. Patty's a bitch. That's how they fool you though. If she were at a crosswalk, you'd be like, no, she's a bitch, Patty's a bitch. Like that's how you would feel, because she would be impeding your progress for no reason. But you know what? What I would have these teenagers and stuff, because they would walk their their brothers and sisters. Like purple hair, like rogue tights. And but basically I would just ask them, I said, you know, I know you're old enough to cross,

but could you be a good example for these other kids? And they would say, yeah. Come on, that's wholesome. My eyes are glazing like I'm from Staten Island. But what is your end game yet? You call the woman up here, and I want you to stop it. You never fucking gave her a single situation to answer for.

I want to stop crossing the door. Stop overstepping your authority by like slowing cars when it's not necessary. That's pretty much it. But we have all the power and that's what you're doing. For those couple hours, yeah. You don't do it for summer school or in the summer, you like impudent.

No, fuck those periods. Not during summer. Did you ever hook up with a kid or like a kid who's a coffin? Or like a... No, that's his job. Yeah, how long have you been doing it? I don't like this joke. For only four years.

How about a motorist, like a hot motorist, ever like... I had a parent once hit hit on me. Yeah? How about a film director? Oh yeah, does it? Oh, my God. You ever seen Hatchit? What about Frozen?

Yeah. Why do you think, are do you ever fraternized with the teachers at the school? No. No. They would never have anything to do with you. Right. They would look down on you? Oh, they definitely just everyone does.

Why the fuck what are the teachers? Wait, what did you just ask? I said, do you think the teachers look down on you? No. Look down. Because you just said, could OK? The next thing that happens is they're six foot. Yeah, they look down on me.

I'm really five, too. Oh, because you said they don't mingle with you very much. No, because they're in the school, you know. Oh, you think they would come out and be like, Hey, good job. Yeah, you don't know why, because they don't like either. No, they want to get the heck out of Dodge, okay? They've spent their time with the kids, they want out of there.

You see many situations where like teachers hook up with students and stuff. I haven't heard the crossing guard hooking up with a student. That's a novel approach. Why do you think that is? Because you guys are so fucking annoying. Yeah.

Yeah, probably. That's probably it. Like no matter how hot the crossing guard is, it's just like holy shit. I'm in high school and this fucking lady is lagging. Oh no. What age do you think's like the youngest age that she could like as she's crossing students by?

Like look at it. Like check out an ass and be like as she's crossing students by like like look at it I check out an acid be like how the kids got a pretty good ass on them 13 16 16 16 That's when you start seeing the shape. Yeah 16 What's the ultimate goal as a crossing guard is in like? Yeah, oh, where do you go from there like is it like TSA like? How can I become a bigger asshole? This is I don't agree with this. I don't think you're an asshole a lot. I like I don't need it You're very charming again. I want to thank you're an asshole, but you're great. Yeah, and I directed frozen

I should have better feelings for crossing guards because I don't even think I told this, I told the story to Mary Beth, recently Mary Beth, my new fiance, she's in the audience somewhere tonight, that when I was young, a crossing guard saved me, Henry, this old, I mean, he seemed old, he had white hair like old mother, I mean he seemed old he had white hair like me so I guess he was old. It was 20. And yeah. And my mother would send me downtown, like I was nine years old and I had to cross the highway

thankfully Henry was there but then go downtown and buy these sodas and shit. Like if you saw a nine year old kid doing that today you'd probably call family services. Yeah. And when I was walking back there with these kids who like, what I think back were probably only like 13, like maybe a couple years older than me, but they saw that I had these sodas, like a six pack of these coaks that my mother sent me for and it appeared they wanted them because they started chasing me at full speed. And I'm a slow person, like I'm not fast, not slow, like that island slow, but like I

can't run But thankfully like Henry was there and these these teen hoodlums backed off from the crossing guard Although I did drop one bottle and it broke So why do you hate crossing guards? It's like hating Santa Claus at this point, because saved you. One crossing guard saved me. Countless crossing guards have inconvenienced me. So fuck you guys and fuck all crossing guards. That's horrible. Well thanks, thanks for telling us.

I mean, you really gave us a new information. All you did was confirm what I thought already. What I knew, that 16-year-olds have hot asses. Do you want to stay up here and judge a joke? Pardon? Do you want to judge a joke? Sure. Like, we've already talked about snaps.

Shae, I don't know if I'm going to get you to read this joke. This might be, are there any stand-up comedians, even if you're in amateur? Are you? Oh. Where? I can't see, man. Just fucking stand up. The sleeping child. Oh, that chick. Yes. That lady. She. If you're a stand up, you all you have to do is judge. You don't have to tell any joke. How ironic. Stand up. There has been one good joke told

up here all night. Why should we start with you? Woo! You know I can't hear you. Are you coming up or not, God damn it. Are you gonna come up and judge the fucking joke? All right. Why would you be so angry towards it? Yeah, she comes. Because she gave me a hard time.

It's like, are you sure you're not a part of the cross? She's not a cross you are. Are you a cop? You have to tell us if you are. Is she what? We were discussing that up in the room. That's, you guys know that's not actually true, right? This is the lady you have to tell us if you are She what we were discussing that up in the room that you guys know that's not actually true This is the lady you want to come up here and and really deliver and sell this next joke You can't parade her and make her nervous like before you send her out to do your dirty work

What like she's gonna sell this joke. She's got to love you, man. Where'd she go? Yeah, where'd she go? She's got to want to sell this joke for you right now. She's not here now. She's not here now. She's not here now. She's not here now. She's not here now. She's not here now.

She's not here now. She's not here now. She's not here now. She's not here now. She's not here now. She's not here now. She's not here now. She's not here now.

She's not here now. She's not here now. She's not here now. She's not here now. She's not here now. She's not here now. She's not here now. She's not. This is Brian. Okay, Ashley. Well, sit on that. At the end there. No, you can't see what I mean. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. You mind getting her over there. Oh, you can't sit next to me. I'm sorry. Yeah, you know, down there. yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I was going to let you read this joke. You are not. I thought you were a professional standup comedian. Really?

No, is that what they said? One good joke. Oh, wait, the mic. You could say your joke, and then you're probably going to have to go. Wait a minute. So why are you up points, aha? Yeah.

This is great. I love it. What's the joke? You guys may already know it. What, we might not? Someone out there might not know it. What, we might not? Someone out there might not know it. Can I try it on you? Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Stanton Island 2020.

Yes. Yes. What's the joke? I'm ready. I'm ready to receive this joke. OK, this is a joke. So. You.

I'm sorry. Come on. The audience is like, can you go back to school shootings? Don't, don't, don't, focus. You got this. It's trying to make your whites whiter. That's really hard. I'm very black.

OK, but OK, so. No. You're playing that. There's a guy in the eye. I look at him. Yeah. I got to say, yeah, the annoying millennials are like, raised in my estimation. You find, this is great.

Right now the guy is looking so bad, huh? That's because, again! You guys, you guys, she's trying to tell a joke, you gotta let her tell the joke! But that contemptuous ego where she's like, I wanna sit next to the chair, and you're like, she's a genius, comedienne. Listen to what she has to say then say it. It's the important joke is true. Is I like you?

Yeah, I like you too. That's why everybody's here. They like you. And that's why I want to say that. You're not unique in that respect. You'll be funny. I don't tell the joke. Tell the joke.

You're going to be better before me. You got to talk. Take it off. I did it. Take it off. Take it off. Here comes the joke. Here we go. Here's my joke. Take your medicine. Here comes the joke. All right, here we go.

Here's my joke. OK. You know what? You can stop me. So this guy is at the elevator. And this lady comes up. And she's like, hey, hold the elevator for me. And he says, OK, I'll hold it for you. And he says, what floor are you going to?

And she says, this is floor. Oh, in this is floor, I'm going to donate blood. And I get free t-shirts and things like that. And he says, oh, OK. I'm going to the sixth floor, I'm gonna donate blood and I get like free t-shirts and things like that and she says and he says Oh, okay, I'm going to the eighth floor and then the eighth floor. I donate my sperm. She's okay, whatever. So then the next day The guy is in the elevator I haven't heard it yet, so this is good. It's this good. So the guy said, I'm going to the eighth floor,

and I donate my sperm, and I get $300. And ladies, oh, really, I donate my blood, and I only get free t-shirts or movie tickets or whatever. So then the next day, the guy's in the elevator, and the lady comes up, and he's like, oh, are you going to whatever floor she's going to? And she goes mm-hmm Not bad. That's a solid joke. That's good. Yeah, she deserves a plush. That was good. That was worth it

That's a good one. What? You don't get it? What was in her mouth? She goes, ah Her mouth is full of cum. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Joe can't conceive of a world where he doesn't swallow. Look, you got it. You got it. I really thought that was an excellent joke. Thank you. No, thank you. Please give it up. Ashley, right? Ashley? Yeah. All right. That counts as it up. Ashley, right? Ashley?

Yeah. All right. That counts as a standup, right? Well, yeah, that's her debut. She could open for sale. That was a good joke. I now respect your comedic opinion, so you can weigh in on this.

Crossing guard, I'm not so sure. You guys seem fairly humorless. You're all right. Shay. All right, so last year, I made up a joke last year because I want to start a career as a stand-up comedian. So I wrote a joke last year and people seem to really get a kick out of it.

So I was like, well, right, another one next year. And if they like it as much, like I keep doing it and pretty soon, I got a whole act, right, Joe? You're a comedy producer. What? I was listening. Do you have you ever done stand-up? No. No, it's not really my bag, baby. You just... Wow.

Now I know where I jaked. It's a problem. So wait, so you say... You never know stand-up. Okay, so if you weren't here last year, I'll repeat the joke from last year. No. You were here? All right. And we'll see if people still like it, because if it still works, you know.

You got to workshop it. That's how it goes. Right, a little bit. OK, so here's the joke. Did you hear about the dyslexic terrorist? He hijacked a plane on November 9th. 11, 9. That's a great thing.

That's a great thing. That's a good thing, because their guard would be down on November 9th. What's up, because their guard would be down on November 9th. What's up? People's guard would be down on November 9th, I think. Yeah. Because an opportune timeout like works out. Yeah.

Well, everything works for him. Yeah, and for him, yeah. For a whole bunch of people now. Right. All right. So that was a killer joke. So that was last year's joke. That brought that guy, I don't know if you guys are here, let's hear that.

It brought down the house last year's joke. That brought that guy, I don't know if you guys are here, let's get out. Brought down the house last year. Yeah. Oh, stop it. What other good 9-11 jokes? I'm sorry, Brian. I should have blathered for fiber. I do. OK, so here's this year's joke.

All right. All right, you ready? Oh, shh. This is going to be a good one. Although Hollywood newspapers are reporting that Adam Green stands just five feet four inches tall, that means every film he makes is a short film. And that's actually not the joke. I just wrote that in case I'm invited to a roast of Adam Green one day.

I'm five eight I'm invited to a roast of Adam Green one day. I'm five eight. Which is average. Tom Cruise is shorter than me, so fuck Tom Cruise. Yeah. This one, okay, this one gets me a little nervous. Because, well, you're not even a millennial. What are you? What's your generation? 18.

Millennials hate microphones as much as they hate. Yes, sorry, I don't know. My voice is just obnoxious. That's true, but we still need to hear it. Okay, so do you know what a cryptid is? A cryptid? Yeah. Okay, whereas cryptid, you know, like Nessie or like you know, monsters, the Bob and I will snowman, you know, cryptids, like unnatural cryptids.

Oh, okay, got it, yes, yes. Right, okay, so here's this year's joke. Imagine it being added to that terrorist joke, right? Yeah. Bigfoot started a business networking app for cryptids. It's called missing LinkedIn.com. That got a genuine laugh. Should I end the show?

That's how we go out. It was technically a high note. It depends on if people are tired of this shit. You guys tired of this shit yet? I do have a cup of water to let the time go Yeah, you really? You think is it strong enough? Okay, this is where we got the judge. Hey, would you pay attention for Christ's What? She's writing more jokes

I know in your professional opinion. I'm not going to say what professional talking about. Do you think that's a worthy joke? Yeah, it's great. Thanks, thanks. Very sincere. I'll mark it down. Oh my god, I've never seen somebody's entire existence get dismissed in a more efficient manner than what she just did to you. Dear diary, I was dismissed by a bubblehead today. Why, why, did I not give my seat up to her so she could sit next to you? That's all I wanted. Why a why did I not give my seat up to her so she could sit next to you? Joe is a comedy producer with that with that joke would is that acceptable very clean I accepted it Yeah, all right, and you know it skews younger. Yeah, you would have cryptid was yeah No, yeah, did everyone know what a cryptid was or just or just not

Okay, so we could do this kind of stuff. I don't think it's. Oh, it's your face. They don't want to get yelled at. Sound like Mary Beth. I. You are giving me a lot of things then, the show on it. But you do pretty good, but I'm still having fun.

I have a couple of fun things we could talk about. All right come on. All right this would be a question for okay you know what let me ask you this this would be I'm glad you're up here okay so it's really late it's like three in the morning and you're like you can't sleep because you're like oh I've only I got to sit next to Q who knows what could have happened but that fucking unfunny fucking asshole wouldn't let me. Just, you know, it's his show, he thinks he's a big shot.

I was big as that crossing guard, and that's impressive. So you're walking around, and you hear some splashes, right? Would you stop looking at your fucking friend? Friend, could you come up and sit next to her so she can stop fucking staring at you? Jesus Christ. I know my friend wants to do what? What are you gonna do, bud?

This is crazy. What's crazy? Look at this. She's a part of it. She's a part of it and still can't pay attention. So good. No finish. Alright, Brian, finish your joke.

So here's what happened. You're out of three in the morning You hear some splashes and you notice you throwing barrels of beer overboard, right marked R&H And you're like oh, I wonder why he's doing that and then you hear him say this is Sean scams should repahence some some good By piss water and as he's throwing his own beer into the water, right? And you know that you saw him doing it. And you know, no one else saw him doing it. Who do you tell? It's not only one layer of what I was doing. I was taking, I was throwing barrels of my own beer. He's throwing barrels of his own beer in the water so he can claim that they were destroyed when the boat got too rocky, but really he's throwing them over. He's throwing them overboard himself,

and he's also saying it out loud, so that we, the audience, know. What is the beast? We're not selling. Like why am I not, why am I throwing it overboard? You're calling a piss. What are you gonna imagine what the other is? There is no IJ fan big enough

that's gonna kiss your ass about this shitty beer. That just isn't. In this scenario, not in real life. But what's your move from there? You know he's going to perpetrate insurance fraud. How involved in this situation do you want to get? I love you. Whatever he wants to do, I would do.

Oh, so there you go. So now she's helping to a sour one. So you keep your mouth shut. Even anal. Yeah, thank you. your mouth shut even anal That one wasn't supposed to come out the mouth Do you want to build a snowman. Oh shit. Here we go. So you don't tell anyone ever.

She does whatever I wanted to do. Do you let Q know that you know? If you know, that's race and st don't see that shit. What? You're gonna, you're saying that she should blame it on a black male instead of saying that Q did it? Wow.

That's crazy. Oh wait, no. She should black male for money. My mistake. You had me legitimately upset for a minute. I was like, why would they say that? Now I know what it's like. Oh, it's right. You had me legitimately upset for a minute. I was like, why would they say that? Now I know what it's like.

Oh, it's bad. Yeah, now it makes sense. All right, so you could potentially blackmail but maybe not for money. Like one night in the... Right. Coming to VH1, blackmailed for love. It would work. I bet you we could pitch that show and sell it.

Yeah, like you have a couple girls there and you're like who could get the best dirt on Q. Yeah, you know, I'd have to look. She's ready for it. She could be like my opponent. Why do people here name microphones so much? So ready for it. I'm sorry. Ready for what? Me too. To blackmail for love. To blackmail.. So ready for it. I'm sorry. Ready for what? Me too. Raise your hand. To blackmail.

To blackmail. To blackmail. So what, OK, but if you verse your friend, is it anyone's game? Like, do girls have a bros before Ho's mentality? Is it a ho before a bro? I don't have a bros. I thought I was sisters before, misters.

Is that it, Chia? No. Yeah. No, yes. It's all so horshit on both sides. You guys not a? No. Yeah. No, yes. Yes. It's all so horshit on both sides. You guys are so conflicted on this. That's as amazing.

So no. Because yes, no. Or, I don't know what they're saying. You'll just fuck anybody. Look, I think it's very clear that when this is the prize, when is it? All bets are off, you know? Wow.

Yeah, okay. I now exclusively wear pants with elastic bands. So, you know, I don't even have a history as much as I want, not even fuck a worry about it anymore. How about this, right? You're a friend. It's, you're not gonna believe this. I ran into Q and the casino and he asked me

to meet him at like three in the morning. Not to help him throw barrels over though. He's like, I always want to throw a person overboard. Like, I'm so rich and famous, like, I need some sort of juice, you know, like, like in hostile, right? Adam, like, these guys who are so disensitized to shit, it's like they're like, I need to take a human life in order to feel something.

I didn't direct that one. So he goes out with your friend and you're a little jelly, of course, because you know, you want him to get with Q as well. But then, and then you see him like not so gentilly, just shove over board. She fucking falls into the drink. Bye-bye. Now, you really have something on him. Do you, is your loyalty to your now deceased friend more important? I mean, she's probably not dead yet, but she's gonna be real soon. So you may even be having sex with Q while she's gasping her last breath. She's going down like the third time.

Just as you're like, it's the only way I can get a shot. Remember that time I fucked up the spacewalky show? What's wrong? Chara. Well, if it's depending on what they were doing, like while it was happening. Well, she was struggling and he was laughing. I mean, if him and her her were together while it was happening.

It's just a fun little sex game we do. They're not dating. What the fuck don't you understand? It's tonight. It's tonight. They're not together. What? She's got her fucking...

Now you're dating the chick. She would help. I would do it. She would do it. If it's all three of us, I'm not. You don't have to do anything. You just have to keep your mouth shut. You watch? Not any.

Yeah, you have to watch with one boo-bout. And that's the only way Queen can get off anymore. Just one. He's not a fucking slob. Peace, assholes. Thank you. Thank you. Bye.

Thank you. Thank you. With one boo-bout. Thank you. With one move out.