Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris - 426: Shame is Psychic Constipation | Bonus Meditation with Alexis Santos

Episode Date: March 11, 2022

Self-compassion may appear soft, but it’s actually the very thing that allows us the strength & resilience to meet the challenges we face.About Alexis Santos:Alexis has practiced and taught Insight Meditation in both the East and West since 2001. He has been a long-time student of Sayadaw U Tejaniya (a well respected meditation teacher in Burma whose teachings have attracted a global audience), and his teaching emphasizes knowing the mind through a natural and relaxed continuity -- a style of practice that's particularly useful during our crazy lives. Alexis has completed the Spirit Rock/IMS Teacher Training, teaches retreats across the globe, and currently lives in Portland, Maine.To find this meditation in the Ten Percent Happier app, you can search for “Three Steps to Self-Compassion,” or click here: https://10percenthappier.app.link/content?meditation=cdbc03be-f1e7-48b1-bd7f-ec435dc095a8.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

What does it even mean to live a good life? Is it about happiness, purpose, love, health, or wealth? What really matters in the pursuit of a life well lived? These are the questions award-winning author, founder, and interviewer Jonathan Fields asks his guests on the Top Ranked Good Life Project podcast. Every week, Jonathan sits down with world renowned thinkers and doers, people like Glenn and Doyle, Adam Grant,

Young Pueblo, Jonathan Height, and hundreds more. Start listening right now. Look for the Good Life project on your favorite podcast app. This is the 10% happier podcast. I'm Dan Harris. Hey, hey, when we add shame on top of whatever problems we're dealing with or whatever mistakes we may be regretting, when we add shame on top of all that, it clogs up the whole system. It's kind of like a psychic constipation and evolutionution the bottom of a downward spiral where you get more tightly coiled into toxic self-obsession

the antidote to this the psychic X-lax if we're gonna stay with the scatological analogy here the antidote is self-compassion as you probably know I love talking about this skill. And it's one of those things that we really need to keep hearing about, keep being reminded of, and keep practicing, which is what we're gonna do right now with my friend and teacher, Alexis Santos. Here we go.

Hi, this is Alexis. Most of us have a tendency to be hard on ourselves when we're not being the person we want to be. It's as if we think we deserve to be criticized and to feel shame about who we are. Because our unskilled habits are often a response to feeling unsettled or having a hard time, meeting these moments with further self-criticism and shame just adds more reasons for them to keep going. Christen Neff, a leading researcher in self-compassion, breaks down a self-compassion practice into three parts. Mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness will explore these in this session.

Let's get started. Find a comfortable posture and for this meditation since the focus is on self-compassion. See if you can find a posture that is particularly useful and allowing your eyes to close if you like. As you begin to settle, just notice in a general way how your body and mind are feeling. And inviting in a sense of ease and gentleness. Just receiving this moment as it is. The posture. You might also become aware of the breath as it comes in and goes out, or the body expanding and settling with each breath. Self-compassion may seem like a soft, or unproductive quality to generate. But it's actually the very thing that allows us the resilience and presence to meet the

challenges we'll inevitably face. The first element of self-compassion is the quality of mindfulness. We need to be present to what's happening, particularly when we're feeling stress or some form of suffering. So as you settle into the practice of self-compassion, again reconnecting with the whole body and its posture. Generally, bring to mind some of the struggles you might have had around the changes you are trying to make in your life. Being if you can acknowledge whatever is happening in a non-judgment away. As you remember your struggles and the desire to change, there may be moments of shame or feelings of failure. See if you can just recognize these unpleasant reactions, receiving them with compassionate awareness. Another element of self-compassion is the recognition that it's not personal, but it's not only

happening to us. As you continue reflecting on your own journey towards change, notice what happens as you broaden your perspective. To include the awareness that other people are also experiencing hardship and challenges, just like you. None of us are perfect. Life is changing and impermanent and imperfect for all of us. Take some time to explore this now. There might be a sense of interconnectedness, warmth or care, or maybe nothing obvious,

whatever the experience, allowing yourself to reflect on this shift and perspective for a moment. So we're being mindful and present to suffering, recognizing the shared human experience, and the third element of self-compassion is offering this kindness to ourselves, self-kindness. You might rest your attention in your own body, in the center of the chest and consider that it's the nature of life to have both joyful experiences and to have challenging and stressful experiences. We're going to take wrong turns and get pulled towards destructive habits from time to time. Self-kindness reminds us that this is inevitable. It's part of being human, and it's the nature of the mind. So rather than feeling distraught or overwhelmed, this wise and caring attitude brings a sense

of resilience and clarity to these challenging moments. So you might just offer yourself a simple phrase like, it's okay, or you're doing the best you can, or just start again. Take a few moments to explore how you might bring a kind attitude to a moment of challenge. Rather than getting critical of your own challenges, or taking them as a failure, or denying and fighting this reality, looking at them as an elder might, or your own grandparent, patiently, understandably, knowing that it's all okay in the arc of things.

Continue exploring for a moment in this way. Self-compassion takes courage and wisdom to turn towards the difficult emotions and challenges with awareness, to see life as it really is, as an unfolding process that we all share and can bring our care and kindness to. Whenever you feel ready, you can allow your eyes to open, they have been closed, taking a moment to sense how you feel. Noticing if there's a greater sense of spaciousness and ease in how you might relate to yourself.

But however it is, just being aware of this moment. Great to be with you. See you next time. Thank you, Alexis. We'll see you right back here on Monday for a brand new episode. a brand new episode. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Hey, hey, prime members. You can listen to 10% happier early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today.

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