Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris - 515: A Meditation for When You’re in a Fight With Somebody You Love | Bonus Meditation with Oren Jay Sofer

Episode Date: October 28, 2022

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. By identifying what really matters to us, we can strengthen our most meaningful connections.About Oren Jay Sofer:Oren Jay Sofer teaches mindfulness, meditation, and Nonviolent Communication in secular and Buddhist contexts. Oren has practiced meditation in the early Buddhist tradition since 1997, beginning his studies in Bodh Gaya, India with Anagarika Munindra and Godwin Samararatne. He is a long-time student of Joseph Goldstein, Michele McDonald, and Ajahn Sucitto, and a graduate of the IMS - Spirit Rock Vipassana Teacher Training, and current member of the Spirit Rock Teachers Council.Oren is the author of Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication, a practical guidebook for having more effective, satisfying conversations.To find this meditation in the Ten Percent Happier app, you can search for “When We Fight With People We Love,” or click here: https://10percenthappier.app.link/content?meditation=4de9fcbb-c18d-44c0-bdca-328c38289a9f.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

What does it even mean to live a good life? Is it about happiness, purpose, love, health, or wealth? What really matters in the pursuit of a life well lived? These are the questions award-winning author, founder, and interviewer Jonathan Fields asks his guests on the Top Ranked Good Life Project podcast. Every week, Jonathan sits down with world renowned thinkers and doers, people like Glenn and Doyle, Adam Grant,

Young Pueblo, Jonathan Height, and hundreds more. Start listening right now. Look for the Good Life Project on your favorite podcast app. This is the 10% happier podcast. I'm Dan Harris. Hey, everybody. Happy Friday, time for a bonus meditation. We all know, of course, how much it sucks to get into a fight with somebody with whom we're close. Turns out, however,

there's a meditation for that. It comes from the great orange sofa, who also teaches the emotions course over on the 10% happier app. So go check that out. I should also say Orrin is a new dad. Congratulations to Orrin's family. Of course, this means there's now a new person in the world who Orrin will love and probably get into a fight with at some point. So this meditation may have even deeper meaning for him at some point in the not too distant future. A little background on Orrin, he teaches mindfulness meditation and also non-violent communication. In secular and Buddhist contexts, he's a long-time student of Joseph Goldstein, Michelle McDonald, and Ajahn Sucito, and a graduate of the IMS Spirit Rock, Vipassana Teacher Training Program. He's also the author of a great book called Say What What You Mean, A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication,

which is a practical guidebook for having more effective conversations. Here we go now with Orrin J. Sofer. Hey, this is Orrin. Family and intimate relationships can bring us so much joy. And as we all know, Family and intimate relationships can bring us so much joy. And as we all know, they can also be incredibly hard. And conflicts inevitable in any relationship. The key to finding a way through is understanding that difference isn't a problem.

Not only is it completely natural, but it can be an opportunity to get to know one another more fully, to grow closer, even to strengthen your connection. So let's practice together, settling the mind and body, and exploring what's important in this situation both for you and for the other person. Go ahead and find a comfortable posture, relaxed but also upright. You can let your eyes close or keep them open. Notice the sensations of your body sitting.

Can you feel the weight and heaviness of your body? Next, I'll offer some suggestions for how to explore this conflict, first identifying what's most important to you, and then trying to imagine what might be important for the other person. As you listen, see if you can keep some attention with your body or breathing to help stay present and grounded. Most conflicts happen at the level of our strategies what we want.

So bring to mind the situation that drew you to this meditation, something involving a conflict or a disagreement with someone. To begin, hone in on what it is you want in this situation. What could this person actually do or say that would help you feel better about things? Go ahead, take some time to consider that. Okay, now, ask yourself, what matters about that to you? If they did or said that, what would it give you? Take a few more moments to just let that question sink in and see what comes. What's really important to you, underneath these words or actions? Great. Now ask yourself that same question again. In light of what you've just considered, what matters about that to you? In other words, you're listening even more closely for what's important to you here. What really matters to you about all of this at the core. Then, once you've got that, notice how it feels to be fully aware of what matters to

you in this situation. Anything might come up. You might feel clearer, more empowered. You might feel sadness or grief. However, you feel as all right. See if you can just notice those emotions and make some space to feel them. So next, let's shift your attention to the other person. Without giving up on what's important to you, and without trying to resolve the situation,

put all of your attention on this other person in your mind. What do they want? What would they really like you to do or say in this situation? Do you have a sense? Now, you may or may not be willing or able to give them what they want. But what you can do is validate why they want it. So let's look a little deeper. What matters to them about this? Why is this important to them? Ask yourself that question and then listen for what comes. Next, just as we did before, ask the question again. And what's important about that?

If they had that, then what would they have? Keep looking, listening, inquiring for what really matters to them at the core here. How does things look to you now? What do you notice? Finally, can you find some genuine curiosity about the whole thing, what would it be like to value what's important to both of you, instead of pitting one against the other? Taking some time to contemplate both sides of a situation like this can help shift your perspective and create more space for dialogue. When you're ready, you can open your eyes. Begin to move your body.

All right, thanks so much and good luck. Big thanks to Orin. We'll see you right back here on Monday for a brand new episode. Hey, hey, prime members. You can listen to 10% happier early and ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today, or you can listen early and ad-free with 1-3-plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, do us a solid and tell us all about yourself by completing a short survey at 1-3-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0- Before you go, do us a solid and tell us all about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash Survey.