Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris - 560: How to Say No | Bonus Meditation with Cara Lai

Episode Date: February 17, 2023

Mindfulness isn't about making your heart open. It's about feeling however you feel, respecting that, and sometimes, saying no.About Cara Lai:Cara Lai has worked as an artist, wilderness guide, social worker and psychotherapist. She teaches teens and adults at Inward Bound Mindfulness Education, Spirit Rock, Insight Meditation Society, and UCLA.To find this meditation in the Ten Percent Happier app, you can search for “Boundaries: Saying Yes to Saying No.”See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

What does it even mean to live a good life? Is it about happiness, purpose, love, health, or wealth? What really matters in the pursuit of a life well lived? These are the questions award-winning author, founder, and interviewer Jonathan Fields asks his guests on the Top Ranked Good Life Project podcast. Every week, Jonathan sits down with world renowned thinkers and doers, people like Glenn and Doyle, Adam Grant,

Young Pueblo, Jonathan Height, and hundreds more. Start listening right now. Look for the Good Life Project on your favorite podcast app. This is the 10% happier podcast. I'm Dan Harris. Hey, hey, happy Friday. It's time for a bonus meditation. This week in our Valentine's Day counter programming series, we talked about how sometimes you have to set boundaries and say no. It turns out saying no is a skill that is trainable via meditation. Our teacher du jour is Cara Lie, Cara is a fascinating person and a friend. She's worked as

an artist, a wilderness guide, a social worker, and a psychotherapist. She now teaches teens and adults at inward bound mindfulness education, also known as IBMI, spirit rock, inside meditation society, and UCLA, and she teaches over on the 10% happier app as well. And she's a new mom, so a lot to say about Kara. Let's hand her the mic here. We go now with Kara Live. Hey, it's Kara.

When I first started learning how to meditate, I got the idea that I was supposed to say yes to everything. But sometimes this message isn't the most helpful thing to hear. And sometimes what we actually need to hear is that it's okay to say no, and that it's okay to be mistrustful or angry. Actually, it's really important to have these feelings and to honor them. Because when someone's hurting us, it doesn't do anyone any good to let that keep happening. So in this meditation we're going to learn how to say no. Start by finding

a comfortable position. Ideally one that feels both relaxed and alert. If you'd like you can close your eyes. Take a couple deep breaths. Now, sense the outline of your body. Feel the contact of the air around you with the surface of your skin. As you touch into the outer boundaries of your body, feel the strength surrounding you along your edges. You could imagine this as a protective shield that is strong and secure. Whatever happens inside this protective shield has it wants to be. And if there are difficult emotions, such as fear, anger, shame or sadness, give those full permission to be here. It's safe to feel them within this feeling, and no one can tell you otherwise. Now whatever you're noticing, see if you can approach it with a sense of respect and

permission. This is a part of what's happening right now, and it has a place. You might relax around it to give it some space, or even relax into it. If something comes in that you don't feel ready to feel, it's okay to say no or not right now. And go back to that feeling of the outline of your body. Now take a few moments to practice with us on your own. Sometimes it can be interesting to go deeper into an uncomfortable physical feeling or a difficult emotion. What does it need or want?

What is it trying to say? You can ask these questions while staying with the visceral experience of the feeling, not getting too caught up in the thoughts or backstory. As you go about your day, remember that whatever you're feeling is always valid. It's okay to have needs, and to set limits, and it's okay not to feel okay. And when you feel ready, if your eyes are closed, you can open them and gently receive the world around you. Thanks for listening. Have a great day.

Thank you again to Carlisle. We'll be right back here on Monday for a brand new episode. We're going to talk about how the science of attachment can help you make and keep friends. Hey, hey, Prime members. You can listen to 10% happier early and ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen early and ad-free with 1-3-plus in Apple podcasts. Before you go, do us a solid and tell us all about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.