Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris - Dan Tells A Meditative Story

Episode Date: June 4, 2021

In this episode from the excellent podcast Meditative Story, recorded a couple of years ago, Dan shares a candid look at his attempts to connect more with his son, Alexander, on their first father-son trip.    Meditative Story combines human stories with meditation prompts embedded into the storylines — all surrounded by breathtaking music. You can learn more about it here: https://meditativestory.com/, and listen here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/id1472106563. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

What does it even mean to live a good life? Is it about happiness, purpose, love, health, or wealth? What really matters in the pursuit of a life well lived? These are the questions award-winning author, founder, and interviewer Jonathan Fields asks his guests on the Top Ranked Good Life Project podcast. Every week, Jonathan sits down with world renowned thinkers and doers, people like Glenn and Doyle, Adam Grant,

Young Pueblo, Jonathan Height, and hundreds more. Start listening right now. Look for the Good Life Project on your favorite podcast app. Hey y'all, it's your girl, Kiki Palmer. I'm an actress, singer, and entrepreneur. On my new podcast, Baby This is Kiki Palmer. I'm asking friends, family, and experts the questions that are in my head. Like, it's only fans only bad.

Where did memes come from. And where's Tom from MySpace? Listen to Baby, this is Kiki Palmer on Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcast. From ABC, this is the 10% happier podcast. I'm Dan Harris. Hey guys, it's Friday, so it's bonus time. Instead of a bonus meditation, though, Harris. Hey guys, it's Friday, so it's bonus time.

Instead of a bonus meditation, though, this week we're going to bring you an episode of the podcast Meditative Story. You may have heard about this podcast. It's really good. And the episode we're going to drop here is my episode. In this episode, I tell a personal story about a father-son trip I went on with my son, Alexander, when he was four years old, and how this trip really changed our relationship. If you're not familiar with meditative story,

as I said, it's a really good show. It combines immersive storytelling with mindfulness prompts, embedded right into the narrative, all with a lot of really good music woven right into it. The show's been winning awards of late, and it's definitely worth checking out. I really like the team over at Meditativ Story. I'm glad we're developing a closer relationship. They tell us that many of their listeners use the 10% happier app. And we've heard that many people in TPH land

are fans of Meditativ Story. So I hope you enjoy this episode. So I hope you enjoy this episode. When Bianca and I first had Alexander, I remember there being a whole tsunami of sentiment, both over email from my friends and on social media from people I didn't know where we were being told and exorted to enjoy every moment or cherish every moment. And I always wondered about that. Is this just a kind of perfunctory thing that people say, or is it maybe based on some sort of remorse that they may feel about having

let their kids childhood slip by without really taking it all in while it was happening? it all in while it was happening. Parenting is a roller coaster. Steep climbs, full on free falls, sharp turns, one moment you're filled with doubt and worry, the next joy and delight. It just is this way. Today's storyteller, Dan Harris, is a boardcaster and journalist, and the creator of the 10% happier meditation app and podcast. In the story he's about to tell, Dan shares a candid look into his attempts to connect more with his son,

Alexander. I'm Rohan and I'll be your guide for a meditative story. So right now in this moment, what can you do to really be here? To help me be as present as possible for you, I'm feeling my feet on the ground. I'm aware of the temperature of the air on my skin. I know the movement in my face as I speak. What is it for you? Relaxing the body, letting the body breathe. Your senses open, your mind open, meeting the world. So things have been pretty edible around my house for a little while.

My son, Alexander, is four, and he's all about his mommy right now. Their bond is beautiful and tight, but that sometimes means it's really hard for me to break in. Because of the nature of our respective schedules, my wife Bianca spends more time with Alexander. I work very funny hours. I'm employed at ABC News where I anchor Good Morning America on the weekends, which means I'm up at 3.45 in the morning and once I've stretched, showered and meditated, I sneak out of the apartment as quietly as possible. So as to not wake Alexander and Bianca

and then I take a quick car ride through the dark and often utterly silent city streets to the office. Those are my weekend mornings and then during the week, I'm one of the co-anchors of nightline, which means for several nights I stay up really late to anchor that show. Bianca is a highly trained physician, but she's not working right now. She had breast cancer a few years ago and she's been taking a little time off. Thankfully, she's fine, but this situation doesn't mean she spends a lot more time with Alexander than I do. Typically, in the morning, on weekdays, I walk out into the living room to cheveled, an hour into Alexander's playtime with his mom before he heads off to school.

Sometimes, I'll catch them right in the middle of the often difficult routine of getting him ready for school. He's in preschool right now. Often Alexander thoroughly rejects me. He won't look at me, he won't even say hello. And if I go over to him, he winds or he calls for his mommy and runs away. This, as you might imagine, does not feel awesome first thing in the morning. The person I love the most in the world totally rejecting me. When I can get him to explain

why, he'll tell me that he doesn't like that I have, quote unquote, crazy hair or that I smell. It feeds my overall sense of guilt that I'm not spending enough time with them. There are times when these interactions can make me sad or resentful, but on good mornings, if I go out into the living room and I sit quietly long enough, he will actually come over to me on his own, and on bad mornings all I get is him reluctantly dainning to allow me to kiss him on the forehead. I'm not a big one for metaphysical claims, but Alexander is something of a miracle. We were told Bianca and I that it was a long shot that we would ever have a child. We went through IVF twice in vitro fertilization.

And on the second round, which we already knew was almost certainly going to be our last round, we got one egg. Everybody who goes through IVF is, of course, having fertility issues, but still many of these people get 8 to 12 eggs. So, again, we got one. And they impl implanted it and now we have this giant blood and kid running around the house as a result. This is a huge deal for us to have a kid and I really really love him. And I do feel guilt about the fact that I'm not around as much as I would like to be. I do my best at this.

We deliberately found an apartment that's seven blocks from my office, so I'm able to pop in and out and see him during the day. It's also close to his school, so I do go pick him up when I can. Those school pickups are actually quite magical. He's often surprised and delighted to see me and he'll run right over and give me a hug. Another thing I try to do is to organize regular father-son dates because I found that when it's just the two of us He is much much nicer to me. So it's not like I never see him, but I would love to see him more I miss a lot of dinners at home and mornings and stuff like that One of my colleagues made a joke recently he referred to my parenting style as a lot of dinners at home and mornings and stuff like that.

One of my colleagues made a joke recently, he referred to my parenting style as 10% around, which was kind of a funny joke, but it definitely stuck in my head. Am I spending enough time with him? And when I do see him, he's often so fixated on mommy that I'm persona non grata. If you were to rate how present you are right now, what percentage would you score yourself? 10% 50% More!

It can be a fun thing to do from time to time, and no need to give yourself a hard time if your score isn't so high. Right now, what would it be to grow your presence by 10%? Come back to your breath, the feeling of the buds or headsets over your ears, the sensations of this moment. So I decide, in consultation with my wife, to try to be a little bit more proactive and take Alexander on a father-son trip so that we can connect in a whole new way. I wonder what a change of scene will bring. I hesitate traveling with a then three-year-old. I worry

he'll revolt at the idea of being away from mommy for a while, so I gingerly broach the subject with him. While he's playing with his toys at the dining room table one night, I say, what do you think little man? Do you want to go up to Boston? Do you want to go up to Boston and see your grandparents? I grew up in Boston and my parents are still there. I ask him again, do you want to spend two nights just you and daddy? And he says yes. I test him on this over the ensuing days and he consistently says yes so I put it on the books. I buy us plane tickets and book us a room. I tell my parents to clear time in their schedules. As the trip approaches I'm increasingly concerned that he's going to have a full

on temper tantrum when I pick him up and try to get him in the cab to the airport. What if he doesn't wanna leave mommy? What if the entire trip is traumatic and awful for both of us? What if he won't let me put him to bed? I used to put him to bed when he was a baby, but ever since he's been able to speak, he's had a whole problematic sleep career. He will not let me put him to bed. His mom can put him to bed.

His nanny can put him to bed, but not me. In fact, one time I arranged a night where both his mother and his nanny were out of the house, so I would be the only option. I remember he was sitting in the bath before bedtime, and after I'd finished shampooing him, it dawned on him that I was going to put him to bed. He started freaking out and whining in a way that suggested a full-on bout of crying maybe in the offing. One of the cats that happened to walk through the bathroom

at that time, and I asked Alexander, would you be okay with Ruby putting you to bed? And he said, yes. I asked him why. And he said, because she's a girl. So there I was, second fiddle to Ruby. Can you imagine being there, a fly on the wall? See Dan slumped. His son adamant. The cat nonchalant. We leave on a Sunday. I finish work, walk into our apartment, and he's in a great mood. All dressed up, hair combed, and ready to go. I walk over to him and ask, are you ready?

He answers in the affirmative enthusiastically. So I change out of my suit and call a car. We head to the airport, and I do my best to get him talking on the way about all the fun things we'll do in Boston. I put a heavy emphasis on ice cream. He's in a really good mood. He looks out the window, he laughs and enjoys himself. Once we're at the airport, he's a dream going through security. He insists though on riding on top of my roly suitcase, this is hard on my

aging body carrying this little beast on my suitcase through the airport all day but we're both having a really good time. We land in Boston and go to the hotel together. We head straight to the pool for a little bit after checking in and then his grandparents show up and we eat dinner in our hotel room. It's a great time. And then the hour arrives where I'm going to have to put him to bed. I do have a strategy though. There is no official bedtime I tell him. Instead we head out into the long carpeted hallways where it is game time. I make him run wind sprints in his PJs for an indeterminate period.

Occasionally other guests walk out of their rooms and see what Alexander and I are doing and they laugh at us. If I'm able to get him tired enough, I'm thinking, then he'll have no choice but to fall asleep. We have a whole set of games in the hallway where I run him up and down like a dog, he's loving it, giggling and squealing as I chase him. I am clearly winning here.

We had to bed to read some books. I don't say anything about bedtime, we're going to sleep, we're just reading books here. And after just a few minutes, he crashes. I should say this kid generally is not a great sleeper. He wakes up all the time and screams in the middle of the night, but not tonight, not on the boys trip. With Alexander deeply asleep and Dan exhausted to no doubt, how are your energy levels? If you want to raise them a little, try straightening the spine, opening the chest, raising the chin, letting the body lead the mind. We spend the next day at Lego Land, me, Alexander, and his grandmother. Six hours. I am bored out of my mind, but

he is having a great time and it feels great just to watch him go. That night, we have dinner at my parent's apartment. His uncle, my brother, who just happens to be in Boston that night, joins us. It's really sweet. Just my original nuclear family right here with my little son who's been a really good kid eating his dinner, a bagel with a neck on it. He dances while he eats because that's what he does when he's happy. Everybody laughs and he says a lot of funny, cute things. The collective admiration and adoration of my family all focused on my little boy is really meaningful for me. After dinner, we head back to our hotel room. He runs more windsprints in the hallway and again,

sleeps through the night. On our last day, we head to the New England aquarium. We look at all the fish. Alexander's attention span is limited so we move very quickly from penguins to eels to sharks. He seems highly motivated to get me into the gift shop so we can get a treat. When we get back on the plane to head home, Alexander is great. He looks out the window the whole time clutching the new stuffed animal I got him. As somebody who's been meditating for nearly a decade now, I've had many moments during this trip where I'm really glad to have the training because I'm able to just tune in to how, for lack of a less cheesy word, how sweet this experience is. I love this kid. Obviously, every parent loves their child but especially given the fact that I'm an older dad I'm 47 and

Given everything Bianca and I went through to get this kid this whole situation is especially poignant When Bianca and I first had Alexander I remember there being a whole tsunami of sentiment both Over email from my friends and on social media from people I didn't know where we were being told and exhorted to enjoy every moment or cherish every moment. And I always wondered about that. Is this just a kind of perfunctory thing that people say or is it maybe based on some sort of remorse that they may feel about having

let their kids childhood slip by without really taking it all in while it was happening? One of the many things meditation is designed to do is to wake you up and to help you be right here, wherever you happen to be. Throughout the course of my jaunt with my son, there are a lot of little snapshots in my mind of him looking at the window as the plane flew,

or watching him look at the penguins in the aquarium, or fiddle with Legos at Legoland, or dance around bagel in hand while my family laughs. And in all of these moments, I was really able to do the opposite of zoning out. I was able to zone in. And in my experience, that really amplifies the awesomeness quotient immeasurably. The self-awareness that I've been able to generate, that anybody can generate, through meditation, allows me to notice and accentuate joy.

And it can provoke what I consider to be healthy reflection about the fact, the inarguable fact, that these moments are fleeting so it's best not to waste them by reflexively reaching for my iPhone or something. In this world of distractions our minds have become so well trained to jump from one thing to another. You might even feel that pull right now. If so can you rest and acknowledge how damn's story is making you feel? Letting any enjoyment or appreciation sink in. I should say there are a few moments during our trip where Alexander says he misses mommy. It hurts my feelings a bit, but I just do a version of what we're told to do during

meditation. Rather than denying or trying to paper over that his feelings exist, I get him to tune into himself. I ask him, how does missing mommy make you feel? Sad? And if he says yes, which he usually does, I say it's okay to feel sad, I get it. But we're going to see her very soon and the meantime, we're going to have fun. Generally speaking, this works like a charm.

When we finally get home and ride the elevator up to our apartment, I prepare to tell his mother about what an amazing job Alexander did. Within minutes, though, pretty much as soon as he's around his mother again, he has a temper tantrum. Not at me, it's directed quite squarely at her. This speaks, in my view, to the impenetrable bond he has with her, and it actually makes me feel like this whole dynamic among the three of us. It's less about me and more about the fact that many children simply have intense relationships

with their mothers. And you know what, I think it's great that they have this bond. It's now clear that there's nothing for me to feel jealous or resentful about. Clearly, the move here is just for me to make time for Alexander and I to interact one on one so we can build our own relationship. And I think our boy's trip really helped on that front. Interrupting the patterns, the grooves in our everyday lives created new space for us to relate to one another differently.

We're building our own repertoire of private jokes and secret memories, mostly involving my allowing him to have more chocolate than mommy does. So I've decided that I'm going to do it again. We're already talking about going down to Florida together. I've also learned my lesson about crazy hair in the mornings. Now when I wake up many days I put water in my hair so I look better for him. That has also helped. Oh and the other day he told me that he has now decided that daddy is henceforth allowed to put him to bed. So, I'm finally you through a closing meditation.

Parenting is hard. Given that my own eldest child, a boy, is pretty much the same age as Alexander, there's a lot that I recognize in Dan's story, the importance of stepping out of everyday routines in order to connect. But of all the themes, the one that stands out the most for me, is the simple power of time spent together. When there's disconnection, we solve it by connecting, letting time and attention do their work. Attention and connection are in their own way, the heart of meditation. So since you're here, why not join me in a short meditation inspired by Dan's story. It'll be in two parts and we'll start here just as you are. Whatever position your body is in,

if you're moving or still, take a breath. Take two. Take as many as you want. If it's been one of those days, why not sigh? Letting the sound drain away any tension that you might have been holding. And in the first part of this meditation, the idea is to just rest your attention with the body, no need to fixate on an aerian particular, instead just resting, being aware of the body as a whole, giving it your attention, connecting, letting the whole body, however it is, feel your awareness, soaking up your attention. As you do so, there will be flickers away from your connection with the body, times when

particular sensations, thoughts, feelings come in and take over. As with Dan these might include doubt, judgment, boredom, worry, tiredness, it's okay. Whenever you notice your connection with your overall sense of the body break just come back and start again. Bringing the attention back, reconnecting. Okay, now that you're hopefully feeling a bit more grounded, let's move into the second part of the meditation. What I'd like you to do is to bring someone to mind that you wish you could spend more time with. For Dan, it was his son. For me, it's my eldest sister.

Who is it for you? There's no right answer, but in my experience, the first person you think of is probably the best person to go with. If you are a visual person, you can picture an image of them. But if like me, you don't have too much of a visual mind, just recall something about them, an event, a feeling, a story, an image without pictures, whatever helps bring them to mind,

whatever helps bring them into your awareness. And this is where we'll rest. Keeping your person in mind, spending time with the image of them. It might feel totally contrived, totally fake, that's okay. It can be like that sometimes. Just do it anyway.

Bringing to mind the person you wish you could spend more time with and keeping them in awareness That's okay. It can be like that sometimes. Just do it anyway. Bringing to mind the person you wish you could spend more time with and keeping them in awareness as much as you can. As you do this, all sorts of thoughts may come up. Thoughts of regret, self-judgment, doubt, thoughts of delight, happiness and joy as you feel touched by them. They're all okay. We do the best we can, you know. Let this gentle attention towards your dear person forge a real sense of connection. They might be far away. They might be in the next room.

You might have seen them just five minutes ago, or it could have been decades. It's all okay. Your body relaxed, your breathing gentle, your special person in mind, feeling your mind, feeling the charge between you, trusting the quality of your wish to spend more time with them. Deepening your connection.

Just as dandered with Alexander. Meditative Story is a way to work to original in partnership with Thrive Global. The show is produced at the studio inside S.W.A partners in New York. Our executive producers are Devin Triff, June Cohen, Ariana Huffington and Dan Katz. Our producer is Sabrina Fahey. Our supervising producer is Jai Punjabi. Our curator is Carrie Goldstein. Original music and sound design is by the holiday brothers. Mixing and mastering by Brian Pugh.

Special thanks to Anne Sachs, Julianna Stone, Summer Matise, Monika Lee, Madison Odenborg, Lindsay Benoytokonal, Libby Duke, Smythi Sinhar and Sarah Sandman. And I'm Rohan Gunnetilaka, creator of the Budifi meditation app and your host. Visit meditativestory.com to find the transcript for this episode. Thanks again to the folks over at Meditative Story. Don't forget to go check them out wherever you get your podcasts. One more thing before I let you go. If you're a long time listener, you've heard me talk many, many times about our companion meditation app. You might even be a little sick of it. So you might ask why does Harris keep talking about this? If I want to meditate, can I just go on YouTube and search for a guided meditation for free or sit in silence on my own or use another app?

Well, first of all, yes, all of that. You can do all of those things. There are many different ways to learn how to meditate. And if you've already found one or more ways that works for you, that's great. Keep going with it. However, I do think there's nothing special, if I do say so myself, about the relationship between what we do here on the podcast, interviewing world renowned experts, getting their take on issues that impact our minds on a day-to-day basis, and the app where we share practices specifically chosen to help you apply the lessons you learn here on the podcast. There's a kind of deliberate symbiosis. In our conversation a few weeks ago,

the meditation teacher, Seb and A. Salaci, hit on something key about this relationship. Let me just play you a quick quote from her. I'm a big proponent of what I would call integrating study and practice. So combined with our practice are what we call insights, that's why this tradition is called insight, is these aha moments, and you're so great at articulating that and bringing people on to kind of discuss that, like, what is it that we're learning, and then how

do we kind of re-incorporate that back into the practice? I will be honest, it makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable hearing, Seb, praise my interview skills. She may or may not be right about that. But what I do think she articulates brilliantly is why we're so gung-ho about the aforementioned symbiosis between the work we do here on the podcast and the work that we do over on the app. Practice and study work best in concert because you're working several parts of the mind

at once. That's how I learned from my teachers, you know, engaging my prefrontal cortex through reading books or articles or having conversations. I mean, those articles and books were recommended or sent directly to me by Seb. But then also doing the practices that help me sort of integrate practices that help me sort of integrate the wisdom into deeper parts of my mind and my body. And that's really the experience we're striving to bring you here at 10% happier. The wisdom of experts explained in a relatable way alongside practices that help you apply what you've learned. So I encourage you to give it a try by downloading the 10% happier app for free wherever you get your apps. it a try by downloading the 10% happier app for free wherever you get your apps. So, end of pitch, but thanks for listening. We'll see you back here on Monday for a brand new episode with the NBA star Chris Bosch.

I'm not much of a sports fan, but I was really blown away by Chris. He has a lot of incredible useful things to say about keeping your ego and check. And about letting go. He's got quite a story about letting go in his own life and career. So that's coming up on Monday. Hey, hey prime members. You can listen to 10% happier early and ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen early and add free with 1-3-plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, do us a solid and tell us all about yourself by completing a short survey at 1dory.com slash survey.

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And it's about a movement to save a superstar, which set its sights upon anyone who failed to fight for Brittany. Follow Disenthal wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on Amazon Music or The Wondery App.