Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris - How Dan Meditates | Bonus Meditation

Episode Date: February 23, 2024

Dan Harris takes you inside the way he practices on a daily basis, live from the Omega Institute.Dan did this live, in front of a large audience at a recent Meditation Party retreat at the Omega Institute. You’ll hear Dan talk for a little while about why he practices this way. Then he’ll do a lengthy, guided meditation. After that, you’ll hear him debrief with Sebene Selassie and Jeff Warren, two great meditation teachers, with whom he co-led the aforementioned meditation party retreat.Tickets for the two more Meditation Party retreats this year at the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, New York are available now. The last one was a blast. Come join us for both. One is in May, the other October. For tickets to Dan Harris: Celebrating 10 Years of 10% Happier at Symphony Space: click hereSign up for Dan’s weekly newsletter hereFollow Dan on social: Instagram, TikTokTen Percent Happier online bookstoreSubscribe to our YouTube ChannelOur favorite playlists on: Anxiety, Sleep, Relationships, Most Popular EpisodesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to 10% happier early and add free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. It's the 10% happier podcast. I'm your host, happy Friday. Time for a bonus guided meditation and this one is a bit of an experiment. It's me guiding a meditation, taking you inside the way I personally practice on a daily basis. I did this live in front of a large audience at our recent meditation party retreat. You're going to hear me talk a little bit about why I practice this live in front of a large audience at our recent meditation party retreat. You're gonna hear me talk a little bit about why I practice this way.

And then I will do a rather lengthy, maybe 20 minute long guided meditation. And then after that, you're gonna hear me debrief with Seminae Szilassie and Jeff Warren, two great meditation teachers with whom I co-led the aforementioned meditation party retreat. By the way, we're gonna do two more retreats

so you can buy tickets in the show notes. But let me shut up and get into the actual meditation. Here we go. There is a difference between what I consider to be a fully trained teacher, somebody who spent months and years cumulatively on silent meditation retreats, really getting into the practice on that level,

and then spending years being trained to work with people, this very sensitive work of getting under the hood of somebody's mind. That is, you know, I'm married to a doctor. She had years of training and most of the meditation teachers that I know have years of training and I kind of think about it in that way.

And I know that is not an experience that I've had. So I've done a few meditation retreats, et cetera, but it's different from the folks with whom I'm sharing the stage. That being said, I've written a few books about it and I know something. And so what I thought we would do today is practice the way I actually practice.

Do you remember those commercials from the 80s where somebody's like carrying a chocolate bar and trips and ends up in a jar of peanut butter? actually practice. You remember those commercials from the 80s where somebody's like carrying a chocolate bar and trips and ends up in a jar of peanut butter? The two great tastes that taste great together, yeah. So for me, that mix is meta, M-E-T-T-A, or sometimes translated as loving kindness, meditation, and insight or vipassana or mindfulness together.

Some of you will have heard me say this before about meta or loving-kindness, that it was intensely annoying to me at first, aspects of it that are still pretty annoying. And there is a lot of science to strongly suggest that there are physiological, psychological, and behavioral benefits to this practice that I will describe and lead us in.

I love the fact that my friend Dr. Richie Davidson, who's an eminent neuroscientist at the University of Wisconsin, has done these studies that show that when you teach loving kindness practice to preschoolers, they become more willing to give their stickers away to kids they do not like. And I would say the animating insight to all of my work that started 13, 14 years ago of getting interested

in meditation and moving out of the news business is that happiness is a skill. It's not a factory setting that is unalterable. And as it turns out, so is love. Now that's a loaded word. I use it in a very broad way to not just be about loving your spouse or your family, but it's our, as Jeff likes to say,

this innate, evolutionarily wired capacity to give a shit, which is the signature characteristic of our species and is what allowed us for better or worse to become the apex predator on this planet, not because we are stronger than other animals, but because we have this capacity to work together. And that is, from what I've seen after 650 episodes of interviewing people about human flourishing, that is probably the most important variable, is the quality of your relationships. And that's a skill that's incredibly useful to know.

I really like this practice of loving kindness. Meta is the ancient Polly word. It's often translated as loving kindness. I prefer friendliness. That is actually the better translation anyway. And no, I mean, M-E-T-T is, it does translate really much more directly to friendliness.

And even teachers, what's the word Kalyana Mitra? And is the word, and Mitra is related to Mehta, is a spiritual friend. And so a teacher in this tradition, the Buddhist tradition, isn't so much somebody who's declaiming from the mountaintop, but it is somebody who's walking with you and is your friend as you do life together. The other reason why I like this

from a very tactical point of view in meditation, which we'll get into soon, is that loving kindness meditation is a good concentration technique. So it's a good way to settle the mind, to focus the mind. And then after you've done a round of that, to open up to mindfulness, you've got a little bit more of a steady base, or at least for me this is how it works, where you've got a little,

you'll try it and see if it works for you, you've got a little bit more of a steady base to be with whatever comes up. And then on top of that, the other benefit is you can see all of the embarrassing shit that's going to come up in your mind with some friendliness. And that has been the huge development in the more recent years of my practice, which is going from, I think, like a false equanimity in my mindfulness of like, yeah, I'm open to everything, but I'm not really open to everything. To boosting my friendliness quotient

and allowing myself to be cool with some really uncomfortable stuff. One more thing to say that's on my mind. I didn't plan any of these comments and that's probably abundantly evident. One other thing to say before we get into the practices, one of the most interesting interviews I've done recently is with a guy named Dr. David Russ Marin

who runs the Center for Anxiety at Harvard, which sounds like a really fun place. Uh. His insight, and I think this is really true, or his observation is like, so what is behind this? We have never seen levels of anxiety compared to what we're seeing right now. And what is behind that? There's a whole long discussion we can have about this that I'm not gonna get into because I don't wanna get

your mind too active before we get into meditation. We can talk about it later. But one of the things that he points out is this unwillingness to be uncomfortable. And I think let's look for that. Once we've got some friendliness in our mind at the first part of this practice, let's look in the second part of the practice

to how we're bracing or coiling up in the face of discomfort. And can we bring some warmth to the aversion? Because that aversion is just trying to protect us. But we don't need to listen to it. And we can not go down what Dr. Russ Marin calls the cascade of, we say a little bit of discomfort and then we tell ourselves a whole story of how we are incurably anxious

and this is the way it's always gonna be and I shouldn't feel this way. No, actually, anxiety is part of the human condition. He calls it a blessing. So with that incoherent jumble of thoughts, let's do some meditation. Assume the position. We're sitting comfortably,

spine reasonably straight, but as Jeff likes to say, not getting up tight about anything really. Eyes closed. And if you don't want to close your eyes, can just kind of gaze softly somewhere. Tricky Bell. Tricky Bell. All right, we're in it now. Really elongate the out breath.

Sometimes I say it should be three times longer than the in breath. three times longer than the in-breath. Okay, friendliness. Let's start by bringing to mind a really easy person. Can also be an animal. So I usually start with our cat, Ozymandias. Thought you could pick a baby, toddler, an animal. Really good friend. Somebody's just easy to get along with.

And see if you can conjure an image in your mind. If you're not a good visualizer, you can also just conjure like a felt sense of them, if that makes sense. Bring them to mind in some way. So I've got Ozzy in a sunspot, unfurling the belly. You've got your person in mind, your being in mind, and we're going to repeat four phrases.

May you be happy. Let it land, image connecting with phrase. May you be safe and protected from any harm. May you be healthy in your body. whatever comes up. The next move is kind of a contemplative bait and switch. We're gonna go from the easy person, once we've got a little juice, and we're gonna switch in ourselves. And we're gonna switch in ourselves. Bring to mind an image of yourself.

Might help to just bring to mind a baby picture of yourself. You can also just feel your body sitting in the chair. may I be happy. For this one, I often picture myself protected from any harm. May I be healthy ease, little non-cleaning. Next, it's a mentor or a benefactor, somebody who has been helpful for you. Maybe a teacher, a good boss, parent. If you don't have anybody who's been helpful to you, you can think of somebody in the culture you admire who's been a good example for you. Bring that person to mind. May you be happy.

May you be safe. May you be with ease. Next category is a neutral person. Somebody you see regularly but maybe overlook. Frequent examples here are like the person that's a dry cleaner, the barista, the not-so-charismatic neighbor. You don't have negative feelings or positive feelings. Just sometimes somebody you ignore. So bring them to mind either with an image or a stuff felt sense of them.

May you be happy. We're like Oprah handing out cars. May you be healthy. May you live with ease. Next category, penultimate category is a little tricky. This is a difficult person. I suggest you not start with pole pod or whatever. Let's just pick somebody mildly annoying. Probably not hard to find. Just bring them to mind.

May you be happy. And that doesn't mean may you continue doing all of the annoying shit. It's like happy people tend not to be that annoying. May be safe. People who feel safe tend not to be that annoying. May you be with ease. And final category is everybody everywhere. You can picture the planet, do a little night geotour of it, you can picture space. You cannot picture anything and just have a sense in your body of omnidirectionality.

May we all be safe and protected from harm. May we all live with ease. All right, now we're going to make the switch to a bit more traditional mindfulness. Mind might be settled, maybe not, it's fine, either way. I'm going to pick something to focus on. So it can be the breath. You can pick a spot where you like to focus, either your nostrils or your belly. It can be feeling of the whole body breathing.

can be feeling of the whole body breathing. You can do a little bit more open awareness where you just, Joseph Goldstein likes to have people just occasionally say to themselves, this phrase, there is a body. Which sounds like something you say at a crime scene, but it's actually an ancient phrase from a Buddhist text. That's just a way to direct your attention to the feeling of the full body sitting, sit and know you're sitting, as he says. And then when you get distracted, bring your attention back to your breath,

or to the feeling of your body sitting, or to sounds in the environment. And maybe with some of that meta-ju-ju we just created, maybe your attitude can be a little bit more, a little cooler. It can be cooler with whatever's coming up. I'm going to stop talking and let you try it. සිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවව� We're with our breath, we're with the sounds in the environment, we're with the feeling of the body. We've just committed to something for a couple of minutes. And then we get carried away inevitably. We're thinking about something, we're planning something.

Maybe you notice an aspect of your personality that you're not super proud of. For me, it's like rushing or rage. Welcome to the party. It's all good. You didn't invite that. You didn't invite the rage or the planning or the rushing or the jealousy or whatever it is. It's a deeply conditioned pattern trying to help you. Welcome to the party. Go back to your breath or whatever it is. සිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවව� ʻɪʰɪʰɪʰ Maybe some discomfort comes up.

Physical discomfort, pain in the knee, pain in the back. Can you be cool with that? Can you see how the aversion to the discomfort sets off a cascade that you can maybe short ʕ ʔ ʔ සිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිව� ḍᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗᵗ සිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිව� You've committed to your breath or to the feeling of your body, to the sitting, to the sounds in the environment. Then the neurotic obsessions come crashing through the wall like the Kool-Aid man. Another little phrase from Joseph that I like is up and out. You don't have to cling to those thoughts, you don't have to identify with them, you don't have to follow them down whatever rabbit hole they're trying to lead you down. Up and out. Not in an aggressive way, in a friendly way. සිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිවිව� Thank you. I'm going to go.

How to go for you. I really appreciate starting with Metta. I think a lot of time it kind of gets, it's like thrown on at the end. It's like the add on like, oh yeah, we'll throw this on at the end. I feel like I'm kind of guilty of that. Like here's the meditation and then I want to do a little med at the end and then that's it. But starting with that practice was, for me, it was very stabilizing. It is a concentration practice. I mean, it's hard to keep keeping that person in your mind's eye, refreshing it, connecting to that intention. And it took a lot of,

I wouldn't say it wasn't like effort, like hard effort, but there was a lot of concentration involved in that. I really noticed after how I was a lot more settled. So that was my initial observation. Then going into the mindfulness practice after was just, it was more settled. It was fun to kind of, for me,

just I kept the practice going actually and with other people, but I also was noticing the tone of my experience, which was friendlier. It's a friendly tone. You can actually use that as a meditation object. The friendliness feeling itself became a thing I was sort of just exploring and feeling. So yeah, and then you're just so genuine the way you guide.

It's, you're just a natural at it and it's just no bullshit. So I really liked that. And yeah, I'm sure other people can relate, but thank you brother. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, it was beautiful Dan. Thank you.

Yeah, really, I used to do that. I used to always start my practice for years. I did 45 minute practice in the morning, 15 minutes in Mehta, half an hour of mindfulness and insight, and I forgot how beautiful it is. So thank you for reminding me of that. And I love that you didn't start with the self. The traditional teaching is to start with self and that I had a teacher at my first insight teacher gave me the assignment to only do metta for myself

for six months, right? And she knew I needed that, but it's hard. It can be really hard. And so to start with something kind of more accessible, I chose my friend's son, who's almost two, so adorable, and that was really beautiful. And you have such a great meditation voice. I totally do this. The starting with the easy person is, I don't know if either of you have a relationship with

the teacher, Spring Washam. You do. Okay, so she's been a huge teacher for me in my life and practice. And I did up nine days with her, just me and her actually, and she was teaching me Metta. And she started with like a whole day on an easy person. Oh, wow. That's brilliant. Yeah, I love that. And so you really get into it. and she started with like a whole day on an easy person. Oh, wow, that's brilliant. Yeah, I love that.

And so you really get into it. Yeah. Yeah. And then you switch in, you know, the probably the most difficult person yourself. Yeah, right. I liked the way you actually made this really cool prompt, which was you said you see yourself with your son.

And so I did that. And there was something better that made it easier to see yourself in relationship with someone else. I was sort of like, oh yeah, oh yeah, he's doing the best he can. It was like, he's doing the best he can. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something about that is like, I could do it more,

I could find that more easily. Yeah. Yeah. I noticed I switched something when you said, what did you say? You said happy people are not annoying. And I automatically switched to happy people are not annoyed. Yeah. Yeah.

I appreciated that because I really like, oh yeah, it's both. Well, just picking up on what you both said there, it's like how you think the word happy, it can be a bit, it's a little tricky, you know, because we conflate it, and this is not my observation, but that we conflate it with excitement, you know, the fulfilling of some sort of sense, desire. But that's why I, when I'm wishing myself to be happy,

it's like, what is the purest, most distilled form of happiness that I can think of Properly understood. I think it's in that moment of contact where I'm hugging my son or he's sitting on my lap And I think that's true for a lot of us. It really gets to what I think of happiness as It's not as jittery and jangly and unstable as That first sip of a latte or something like that, you know. So it really, it tunes me to the right kind of happiness for me to shoot for as opposed to what I'm often shooting for, which is winning or, you know, succeeding or something like that, which is also meaningful, but not quite as. Yeah, it's interesting because when I have that experience

picturing hugging my kid, or there's a joy or a fulfillment there, and there's also a kind of poignancy or bitter sweetness, and I consider that part of happiness. I consider that it's a feeling for the heartfulness of the truth of the human situation. I don't try to avoid that anymore. And to be able to reframe that as a kind of joy, that's been really helpful for me. Yeah, I think you said also safe people are not annoying.

I thought safe people are not annoyed. And that came up for me too that often when I'm in contention with my experience It's it's safety issues that are coming up even if they're completely ridiculous issues of safety as if a thought is gonna be Dangerous, but that that safety makes me less annoyed Yes, and it's interesting that you have you just described Yes. And it's interesting that you have, you just described ridiculous safety fears, but you're somebody who's faced down like the most unsafe four times over with your cancer experiences, and yet you can still get dragooned by ridiculous safety fears.

Sometimes more so. Really? Yeah. Yeah. It's really, because I think those are really old patterns. You know, it's almost like I've been given this task to learn how to work with the most difficult things, but I still have to go back and do the cleanup work of like all my, you know, issues from toddlerhood. Oh, yeah. I'm giving my toddlers issues now. Thanks dad.

Just one little story before we go. The best conversations I have my son are when we play catch. We play hours of catch, which is what my dad did with me and my brother. And we were having a conversation the other day where he was getting on me for not doing anything without my wife's permission. And I was like, why do you always run it by mommy? I was like, well, she's like my best friend and I trust her opinion and he's like,

well, I don't really feel that way. And I said, well, I get it. Like I chose to marry her, you don't like choose your mom and he looked at me and said, yeah, you chose my mom. I'm like, yeah. I'm like, yeah, I'm like, yeah, I'm like, yeah. Alexander's gonna be up here really soon. Yeah, yeah. You chose my mom. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha gets it from, but he loves being on stage. Speaking of love, this is such an amazing weekend, and, you know, I know we're just getting started in many ways, but I'm really enjoying this, and I hope you guys are too, and I'm really glad you're here.

Thank you. Thank you to Seb, Jeff, and the whole team at Omega. Really appreciate everybody. By the way, we're going to do two more meditation party retreats in May and in October so you can buy your tickets in the show notes. Just to say, if you like the meditation party episodes that we do here on the show, we posted one on Wednesday and we've posted a bunch of other ones over the past couple of months, so we'll put links to all of those in the show notes.

We'll see you all on Monday for a brand new episode. and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus and the Wondery App or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.