Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris - How Not to Say Stupid Stuff When You're Stressed | Susan Piver TPH Live Bonus

Episode Date: May 22, 2020

Sometimes when you get stressed, you say dumb stuff and that is still happening to me, even after having meditated for over a decade. But in Buddhism, there's a way to deal with this. They call it right speech or mindful speech. In this bonus TPH Live session, the great Susan Piver (previous guest on the show), a meditation teacher based in the Boston area, joins me for a discussion on how to be mindful of our speech during these stressful times. During the session Susan offers a guided meditation and we take some questions live from the audience. You can find Susan Piver's Ten Percent Happier LIVE session and much more on our app. Visit tenpercent.com to download the Ten Percent Happier app and kickstart your meditation practice. Susan Piver's TPH Live session: https://10percenthappier.app.link/RightSpeech See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Where did memes come from? And where's Tom from MySpace? Listen to Baby, this is Kiki Palmer on Amazon music or wherever you get your podcast. From ABC, this is the 10% happier podcast. I'm Dan Harris. Hey guys, it's Friday so we're dropping a bonus and this week we've got a good one. As many of you have experienced, perhaps, I'll just speak to myself, I've definitely experienced this. Sometimes when you get stressed, you say dumb stuff, and that has it's happening to me still, even after you're having meditated for over a decade.

But in Buddhism, there's a way to deal with this. They call it right speech or mindful speech. And the great Susan Piver, a meditation teacher based in the Boston area, has thought a lot about this. She's written a lot about this. And she recently joined me for an episode of TPH Live, where we discussed this subject, and took questions from the audience, TPH Live,

for the uninitiatedated is this show we do on weekdays, three Eastern noon Pacific, where we do a live guided meditation for a few minutes and then we take questions from the audience. The session that you're about to hear was with me and with Susan, and we talk about right speech and being mindful of your speech, and she also guides the meditation.

In the beginning, by the way, you're going to hear my son Alexander playing in the background. Since this was recorded live, we don't have a lot of control, but what's going on in my apartment at the time. And yeah, so if you're okay with that, listen on. Here we go. Susan Piver. Hey, everybody. Welcome to TPH Live, live from my living room. If you hear background noise, that is my son, Alexander playing with toys in the background. We tried to talk him into going into his room, but it didn't work. So we'll roll with it like good meditators.

Speaking of good meditators, we've got a great teacher today, Susan Piver, who's beaming in from some of old Massachusetts. I think they pronounce it, you know, if you're speaking the King's English, it would be some reveal, but locally it's some of them. And Susan, thanks for joining us, really appreciate it. Oh, I'm so glad to be here. I appreciate you having me. It's our pleasure. You were a hit last time, so really great to have you back again. And I think you wanted to talk about the subject, which is, I mean, incredibly germane and relevant these days of speech,

you know, how we communicate with other people, the Buddhist would call it right speech. Well, why is that? Why in particular is it on your mind these days? Did you do something wrong? I don't know how I can avoid doing something wrong in this environment. It's this topic that came to mind because it's crazy out there, y'all. I mean, there are people saying all sorts of things. There are people getting in arguments

because we're isolated from each other. All we have is speech. That's our soul means of communication. It's all happening in the ether. It's so easy to project on to and everybody's uncertain. Humanity tends not to wear uncertainty well. And we want to make up explanations for why this is happening, why that's happening, and we're isolated. So uncertainty plus isolation leads to some crazy stuff online and at home. So how does I'm muting myself while you're answering because it's getting rowdy in the backdrop here?

So how can meditation help us with our speech? Yeah, well that's a very good question. And so first, just the definition of right speech, which is a classical definition. I mean, nobody has to be a Buddhist, obviously, to practice any of this, but the whole Buddhist path of liberation is called the eightfold path, right view,

right intention, right speech, number three. So it's a way up there. And right speech is no lying, no abuse of speech, no divisive speech, and no idle speech, or no gossip. So, everybody's telling, but, you know, it's really hard to find anyone who's not lying. Even if you think you're not lying, people are just spouting things that they actually haven't verified. That counts as a lie. I mean, I don't have to explain that there's abusive speech and there's devices speech and then there's gossiping. So it's hard not to do those things because we're human beings and we get scared and we get angry and what is needed before we open our piles is space. Just some little space, and then we can have some agency over what comes out.

And meditation is the practice of creating that space over and over again with every breath. You get absorbed in your thoughts as you know, and then you see that and you let go. The letting go is quite delightful because immediately there's a space. And in meditation you come back to the breath, but in life you could come back to the good intentions of your kind heart or the needs of the person in front of you or the truth of your feelings. But without that space there's just reflexive nonsense.

Speaking for myself. Yeah, I was just going to say speaking for myself, I'm still doing reflexive nonsense, but hopefully a little bit less. So, we've invoked meditation. Why don't we do a little bit and then we'll add, and let me tell people who are watching live, I know a lot of you don't watch live, but those who are watching live, if you could send questions on this issue in particular, that would be great. Send any question you want, but we're probably going to give us some preference to relevant questions, but even if they're irrelevant, send away. So Susan, I'll mute myself and you want to take over?

I'd love to. Thank you. So first, thank you for being willing to sit and rest your minds. So meditation practice, very simple. Take a comfortable seat, which basically means sit up straight unless you don't feel well then lie down and relax, meaning while you're sitting up straight, soften, soften the front body, the belly, the area around the heart,

the shoulders, at times of stress, it can feel like the shoulders are like, all the time, but you can just let them, let everything roll off your back. The mouth is closed, and the reason the mouth is closed in meditation is because you don't have to say anything. And that is a delightful luxury. So let all the muscles of speech relax, throw the jaw, the tongue, and let the inclination

to speak relax too. And enjoy not having to prove anything or justify a question. And notice that inside there actually is no one talking anyway, so it is quiet. And you can rest in that quiet. It's awesome. The breath is natural in and out through the nose, meaning there's no breathing technique. You are already breathing, so please continue. In this practice, for me, the eyes are open and the gaze is cast down. That's what I'm used to, but if you'd rather close your eyes fine or you could experiment. And feel your body breathing. This is not about noticing

the breath. It's about feeling the breath. The gentle expansion on the inhale and the letting go of the exhale. Your mind will continue to think thoughts, and that is to be expected, and not a problem at all. Most of your thoughts will just come and go. You don't have to do anything. Should you notice that you become absorbed in thought? However, to the point where you've forgotten about your breath, yay, you just woke up. And now you have options. And the choice in meditation is to notice that you're thinking. Good until let go, gently come back to your breath, gently, and begin again, feeling this in breath, this out breath. That is all there is to it. So we'll just sit together for a few breath cycles.

And remember, if you get lost, no problem, just come back. Remember to just let your mind be as it is and to the next room. I'm going to go to the next room. I'm going to go to the next room. I'm going to go to the next room. I'm going to go to the next room. I'm going to go to the next room. I'm going to go to the next room. I'm going to go to the next room. I'm going to go to the next room. I'm going to go to the next room.

I'm going to go to the next room. I'm going to go to the next room. I'm going to go to the next room. I'm going to go to the next room. To bring your practice to a close, stop meditating. Just let the technique go. Thank you. Thank you. I like that bit at the end about stop meditating. I think it's really useful. So we've already got some questions. I don't know if I'm going to be able to pronounce this correctly. I think her name is Nadejda.

How can we have the right speech when we have negative thoughts? That's such a good question. Such a good question. So it's really easy to want to get in a fight with your mind, go shut up and that is contraindicated. So if you notice that you're having negative thoughts, that is not a problem. All you have to do is just like in meditation is notice that. Negative thoughts, they're coming go. And that pause, which we just practiced in which you now as a meditator have access to,

between thought and breath, you can apply the same thing between thought and words. So it is extremely important. So please don't be mad at yourself for having negative thoughts, your human being. negative thoughts, your human being. Allow it to be as it is and come back to what isn't right in front of you and see how that goes. Yes, there you can have a space before words come out of your pie hole as you said before. I think that's really a Boston term. I love that term. Nancy A asks, I swear all the effing time. Any suggestions for getting that under a little bit more control? Let's alert us because I swear all the effing time too. And the issue is getting under control that can actually exacerbate the problem if it is a problem which I hope it isn't because I do it all the time.

But if you want to sweeten your speech, if you want to not use cusswords are only when really, really important, you could tune into the feeling, this is a little bit nuanced behind the cussword when you want to say, f-ing this, you could feel that without the words and have that as part of your experience. And don't be upset with yourself for that. Don't be upset with yourself for that. You know, when you start grading yourself, that was good. You didn't use the customer. That was bad. You did. Then, you know, it creates anxiety. So be kind, be gentle with yourself, be patient with yourself, and do your best. Yeah, I mean, I've noticed I do, I swear a lot, both in regular life and also in my writing. regular life and also in my writing. And in regular life, I've just noticed that having a little bit more self-awareness, a little bit more mindfulness, I can kind of sense when

it wasn't the right time to do it, and that that's a good data point going forward. That's interesting. You mean you could just sense when it wasn't the right time because of your intuition? Just didn't feel right, you know, like sometimes a good swear really spices things up and it's exactly what's you know called for Other times it adds a note of harshness when I don't actually need to be harsh. Yeah, it's true and there are certain parts of the country certain populations parts of the population that are truly offended by cusswords. Yeah. And I always forget that. And so it's really important to, you know, be polite. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes, because part of right speech is, say, tell the truth and also make sure it's useful. And so it's not so useful if you're telling the truth, but you're activating other people's amygdala by saying something that's offensive. Kursky Wild says, what is a mindful way to deal with harsh speech from others? I have a family member who's very harsh and I don't always know how to handle it. Yes, I love that question. Thank you, Kursky. Can I tell a little story? It has a cuss word in it. So, I'm just, you know,

spoiler alert right now. So this was some time ago. This was an experience I had with harsh negative speech that I really learned a lot from. So I am a meditation teacher, and I've been sending out meditation videos to people for a while, and I became very busy doing it. So I'm like, well, I can't. I'm going to have to charge something for it.

I'll keep sending out things for free, a little bit less. But then if you want to keep getting all this, I'm going to charge a little bit. So I sent an email out to my list of compadres and like 97% of people just didn't do anything and 2.5% were like, oh, cool, here's 20 bucks or whatever. And then a half a percent were really angry. So I got the emails that you dread and one of them was you having I thought you were spiritual, but now I see you're a liar and This was a bait and switch. I trusted you, but now you're trying to take advantage of me And this is my favorite part. I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings. You could just go cry to your friends Oprah and Deepak well I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings, you could just go cry to your friends Oprah and Deepak. Well, I was stunned by this accusatory, horrible.

I felt terrible. So the conventional wisdom is duly, but I didn't. I responded and I said, this really hurt my feelings. I read this email and I actually start to cry. I know I'm trying to make you feel bad, but words have consequences. And this was the consequence of yours. I wish you well.

Kind of didn't mean that last part, but I said it anyway. I said it anyway. Go, I immediately got an email back that said, well, you hurt my feelings. I really come to depend on these meditations and I can't afford them. Oh, okay, well, you hurt my feelings. I really come to depend on these meditations and I can't afford them. Oh, okay, well, no, you hurt my feelings is really different than you, you're having,

you're having, the latter, it's like, oh, very aggressive, but you hurt my feelings, oh, okay, now we can talk. So we talked and we made some arrangement, I can't even remember what. But that step from I'm furious at you and I'm pissed at you to my feelings are this. That's a really interesting bridge to try to jump. And I don't know exactly why it happened this time, but I think it had something to do with me just saying,

the truth. This hurts me. This subsets me. I cried. I Didn't expect this. Something about me That's direct and real and doesn't have an agenda So when when harsh speech is coming at you It can be really really hard to know what to do, you have all of my empathy. But if you can stay with what you're experiencing

as a result of the harsh speech, rather than what you think of them or how you're gonna fight back, but with your feeling, I don't mean to sound wishy-washy, but that's the place, when you speak from that place, you speak from power. When you speak from, I don't like this, I want you to stop, you speak from

aggression. Power and aggression are not always easy to delineate, but there's something about the truth of your experience that gives rise to power rather than aggression. So does that make sense? I mean, you often hear from people and sort of some of the group meditation or contemplative work I've done, there's a, you often hear the invocation of the ex-hortation to keep it in the eye. You know, just speak from your own experience rather than characterizing somebody else and that

that is a more effective way to communicate. Is that kind of what you're talking about? Kind of, kind of, yeah, but rather than a psychological or not saying that that is, it's more a kindness to yourself, a gesture of kindness to yourself. So just as an aside, in the Buddhist view, there's sort of three views of strong emotions. One is they're afflictive. Stop. Okay, good. That's a good place to start. The second is they're not afflictive. They're actually bridges between me and someone else. So when I meet someone who has had my painful experience, I will know how to relate to them. The third view, least employed, is that every emotion

is a form of wisdom masked, even anger, which is quite dangerous. So I'm not saying otherwise. But anger is awake. Can't be sleepy and angry. So if there's some way to access the awake quality without the story, then there's something quite powerful there. So all of those views are accurate, afflictive, compassionate, wise.

It's just like, which one is going to work for you right now? Barbara asks, I always feel so guilty when I catch myself gossiping, but there are times when I'm a part of it. What is a graceful way to get out of being in a gossip situation? Yeah. So this is my favorite way. You know, just not speaking.

So sometimes people go, well, what do you think? And you know, it's always my favorite new phrase for modern times, I don't know. So always appropriate, because it's always true. So the sort of four qualities of right speech, we talked about wrong speech basically, don't lie, don't gossip and so on. But is it true?

What you're about to say? Is it necessary? Is it kind? And I would add, is this the time? So you can always find some way to just stay within yourself and if people get upset with you because I want you to gossip, then you know, go do something else, I think. Then, you know, go do something else, I think. Gossip is a weird way of making ourselves feel better. So. Yes. Yes. I noticed that.

I don't know. I would have been able to articulate that until you just said it, but I do notice that. I will say we're pretty much out of time, but this is a very rich topic because we're getting tons of questions. So maybe we're going to have to come back to this in a future. It's a really important topic right now. I appreciate the interest in it. Thank you for coming on. Really appreciate it. My pleasure. Always good to see you. Likewise. Likewise. Susan Piver.

Summerville, Massachusetts. Big thanks to Susan. You can catch the video version of this on our YouTube feed or on our app. Just on YouTube. Just search for 10% happier and you can watch the video version of this on our YouTube feed or on our app, just on YouTube, just search for 10% happier. You can watch the live guided meditation sessions and Q&As with the teachers every weekday at 3 Eastern noon Pacific. We'll be back on Monday with a big guest, the great Pema Children. Hey, hey, prime members. You can listen to 10% happier early and ad-free on Amazon Music.

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