That Gaby Roslin Podcast: Reasons To Be Joyful - Vex King

Episode Date: March 14, 2022

Vex King is an honest and open man with the most extraordinary life story. In this episode of the podcast, Gaby sits down with the talented, best-selling author Vex King for an open, honest and often heartbreaking chat. Vex shares details of his childhood, the obstacles he has faced throughout his life and how he's turned these experiences into the heartwarming, wise man he is today. Vex also talks about his bestselling books "Good Vibes, Good Life" and his most recent release "Healing is the New High".TW: Abuse, Racism & Suicide Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Trigger warning for this episode. We talk about very tough topics, including abuse, racism and suicide. It is a tough listen, but utterly compelling and also uplifting. Hello and welcome to that Gabby Rosen podcast, part of the Acast Creator Network. Vex King is an honest and open man with the most extraordinary life story. I felt brokenhearted hearing how he was treated as a child and the things that he was witnessed to growing up are true. truly unbearable. He's grown into a generous, kind and wise person and one of our biggest selling authors with his best-selling self-help books, good vibes, good life, and his most recent

healing is the new high. Please listen to this. His inner strength is remarkable, and his journey to self-love is a lesson for us all. Please, can I ask you a favor? Would you mind following and subscribing, please? By clicking the follow or subscribe button. This is a completely and utterly free, by the way. And you can also rate and review on Apple Podcasts, which is the purple app on your iPhone or iPad. Simply scroll down to the bottom of all of the episodes. I know there have been quite a few now. And you'll see the stars where you can tap and rate and also please write a review. Thank you so much. Vex King, thank you. Thank you from a lot of people because if I ever repost anything from you, there are a lot of thanks.

And I want, so I want to pass on those thanks because I, they don't need to thank me. They need to thank you. You've become a phenomenon. I interviewed you a few months ago on my radio show and completely fell for you. I thought, I have to be with you for the podcast. So thank you for agreeing to this. And it's so lovely to meet you face. face. You are a phenomenon and what you want to do is what I believe so strongly in is you want to

spread goodness. Now whatever banner people want to take that word in, whether they want to use kindness, joy, which I feel very strongly about, positivity, all of those things, the umbrella is that you are spreading goodness. Were you always like this? Not always. I've always wanted to make an impact, I think, in the world. But my upbringing didn't really kind of set the right tone. When I was, for six months after I was born, my dad passed away. My mum's business with an abusive family member went bankrupt. We were homeless for roughly three years.

So when you say homeless, I know that sounds a ridiculous question, but what do you mean by homeless? Yeah, so just to define it, we did have. places to stay. But so we weren't necessarily on the streets as such, but we were moving around, um, hostels, hotels, family, you name it, any place that could really take us in at the time. So in that sense, we were, we were fortunate. But it wasn't, it wasn't easy, especially with a lot of the families that took us in, they were starting their own families. And

when you've just had kids and you've just moved to the country, You know, you're trying to navigate your own life, make sense of things, you know, make sense of being a parent and what it means to be a parent. And there you are bundled with a woman and her three kids. You know, I'm under a year old and then my sisters are all two years apart. So my eldest sister, she would have been four years old at the time. So, you know, they're very, very young. And when things started to change and we got our first kind of council home. How did, so how old were you when that happened?

That I think I was around five or six, no, actually older than that, probably about six or seven years old. So do you have any memory of those previous six or seven years then? I do. They're kind of, they're memories that come. They're not vivid memories as such. I always remember how I felt at certain times and I can remember kind of scenes and setting. I remember the really bad stuff, if I'd be completely honest with you. And I think that stuff's been responsible for a lot of the trauma that I was kind of aware of growing up.

But I do remember much more than I think a lot of other people remember as young children. And I think it's because there were heavy emotions associated to a lot of the experiences I had as a child. So although a lot of it's bled, and I think every time you recall a memory, you're just recalling the last memory of that memory. The memory of the memory, yes. But so six or seven, then you got into the council house. So your sisters were now eight and ten. Yeah, so I think the eldest would have been at six years old. And when we moved to that area, I remember it thinking this is an accomplishment.

You know, this is something good. Something good has finally happened in our lives. But, and I remember the first time, and this is strange to say, I remember the first time I tried to play outside, because that's what kids did back then. You know, we didn't have our phones and tablets who we'd go outside to, like, enjoy ourselves. And I took a ball that I had outside, and someone, a girl, stood outside our front kind of lawn and said, you know, go back to your own country.

That's just like, that was a bit. The first time you went out to play football. Right. The first. When you thought you were all okay. Okay now. Yeah. And then, literally, 10 minutes later, there was like 10 kids. They all knew each other.

The parents all knew each other. And they all just stood there. And they tried to take the ball off me. They ran away with it. They would, you know, I'd have to chase them to get my ball back. And they were like, you don't belong here. Go back to it and go. And I was like, this is the start of something not so good anymore.

Oh, thanks. And then, you know, that was a pattern. Can we just, can we go back to that? Because I find that so utterly shocking, considering what you'd been through, and the people who had taken you in and then suddenly you had your own home, that white people were looking at you and treating you like that. How did your mother explain this to you? How did you cope with this and the family cope with it?

I'm going to just, I'm just going to go a little bit off topic because this is, again, going to sound really strange. I remember going into school. and I had to talk about what my parents did and I didn't realize everyone had a mum and a dad because I'd only been used to seeing my mum so I even remember the conversation I had with my mum saying what happened to our dad

because apparently I'm supposed to have a dad and I still remember the pause she took before she tried to explain it to me your dad's no longer around he died and as soon as I heard the word you know death I didn't feel so good and I don't know why. I was just like, well, that must be a really bad thing.

And I remember bursting out in tears as a child learning that my father had died and I should have one. So when it came to my mum explaining certain things to me, I think, I don't remember her response, if I'd be completely honest. But I remember her always telling me that I belonged here and that I shouldn't let anyone else dictate how I feel. So I would always go out back into the world and being like, no, I belong here. This is, you know, my home, my place, as much as it is yours. Obviously, that didn't always go down well because I ended up in quite a few fights. And I wasn't a violent person. And I've always said this, that although violence was a theme during my childhood,

I wasn't a violent person. I was just trying to protect myself and my family. But I can see where that comes from. I mean, I don't think anybody could ever doubt. That there is that ingrained in you. You've suddenly, what you've been through, you're suddenly getting racist abuse on your first day out. Your mother's told you that your father's not there. You are trying to, but now you're, okay, I've got to, you go into protection mode.

You want to protect the ones around you. But also, if people are coming at you, what are you supposed to do? I know now, I don't want you to answer that yet because I know now is this wise sage that you are, that you'll have a different opinion at that. But at that age, you're going to go into protection mode, aren't you? Everything during that time was about survival. Even before we moved into the council home, you know, there was a time where I saw a gun held to my uncle's head,

thieves pulling my mum's hair and my auntie's hair and my sisters, who were again really young, like at four years old at the time. And I had to witness all of that and not be able to do anything about it is my mum had told me to to stay put. So everything seemed to be around surviving. And it got to a point where, you know, these kids were really pushing my buttons. And I decided to defend myself.

And I was quite a strong kid. And I didn't realize I was a strong kid at the time. So if a kid took my ball, I'd easily be able to, you know, put him on the floor, take my ball back. But what then happened was they would tell their older brothers. suddenly I'd find me cornered against five kids that are much bigger than me. And I'd have to take a beating, go back home.

And I'd repress my emotions. I remember making sure no one could see me cry, maybe because it was a, you know, something I'd been taught, a behavioural pattern that I'd been taught that men, you know, don't cry. So I'd try my best not to cry. And if I did, I'd hold my T-shirt over my head and, you know, weep under it. But, you know, things got worse during the night as well. So my neighbours, we lived next to 10, I think it was like 10 teenage kids in that house.

And at midnight, they'd all get drunk. They'd have like a drum set, I think, in their house. So they'd be drumming really heavily at night. And then they'd knock on our door in the middle of the night. So this is, you know, mind you, I'm still, you know, I'm still around six or seven years old. They'd start banging our door down. and saying racist remarks and telling us to get out our country again, at the country again.

And there was this one incident where we had, like, I think it was an old washing machine that needed to be disposed of on our front lawn. And they got fireworks and they put it in the washing machine and it exploded. So now suddenly, you know, my emotions are going wild because I feel unsafe. And this sound associated, loud sound associated with that feeling of being unsafe. And it just really made me more perceptive of danger. And I always felt like I was in danger even though I wasn't. So everywhere I went, I was ready to survive.

I was ready to either fight or, you know, flight take flight. And that seemed to continue as a theme. And then, you know, my mum, she was a single mother, three kids. it was hard enough. Her trying to learn the language because she'd moved from India. She was trying to navigate the world. Kids are young.

They've got needs. She's trying her best as a single mother. In circumstances that aren't very favourable because the people around us don't want us. We don't have much money. So my mom was struggling to put food on the table. Like there was just everything that could go wrong kept going wrong.

And every time I woke up and even as a child, I tell people this. And they're like, how were you so self-aware as a child? But I would wake up and think this is another day in hell, and I just need to survive this. And that continued for a long period. For a child to wake up thinking this is another day in hell. And I thought, but the thing is, I thought this was so normal at the time.

I didn't realize that. You didn't know any different. I didn't know any different. Everyone around me was struggling to some degree. And even now, and this sounds strange to say, but even the people around me that were, you know, shouting racist abuse, they were going through things themselves. And I realized that everything that they were projecting onto me was, A, something that they were taught maybe by people,

you know, their caregivers or the people around them, but also that they were, they were translating their pain and projecting it onto me and trying to hurt me because there was hurt within themselves. But yes, but this is you, like I said, this is you now as a wise person. Right. But at the time, Coat, waking up every day thinking that another day in hell and you're now the person that tells everybody to wake up and feel grateful for each day. What happened? Where did that switch happen from hell to gratefulness? It's strange.

I tell people to be grateful, but not in the sense of suppressing your emotions. Because I feel like gratitude can be taken the wrong way. It doesn't always help people, especially if you're going through something. Because struggle is relative, I think. Just because we live in the Western world, doesn't. mean that we don't go through problems compared to like people maybe say in less developed countries. Everyone goes through problems and issues and it's okay to feel like you're not happy with what's in front of you. That's okay. I don't think you should ignore those feelings. But I feel like gratitude

really gives you some kind of perspective in life. When you're feeling down, you're feeling like life isn't fair, it's easy to let those emotions define your reality and cloud your perception. But your reality, when you're carrying those heavy emotions, isn't an accurate representation of what it actually is. And I feel like when you have gratitude, you can see that actually life isn't too bad. Now, that doesn't mean that the problem doesn't exist, because the problems are still going to be there. But what it means is that you can approach the problems with a little less mental tension and maybe a little bit more optimism. Because when you've realized that there's actually good things in your life, I feel like you go out naturally looking for more good things

and more opportunities. And that's what I did, I think, in my life. But in terms of the transition, because you're still that six, I'm still thinking of that six, seven year old boy. Yes, I grew up, but I'll be honest with you. And this is going to sound really kind of blunt and raw. And the thing is I don't sugarcoat, like, how I felt at the time. Although I view the world differently now, at the time, I didn't. And I own that. And at the time, I didn't like my life. And I grew up for the first 20 years, not really liking my life as such.

There was a lot of good moments, but I felt like there was a lot of bad moments, or at least a lot of moments that I felt like I was suffering in. And when I was 14 or 15, so I was a big, big music fan, I used to love, like, rap and hip, And I went on this music forum and there was this section on that music forum called The Knowledge Corner or Knowledge Centre and people would talk about really deep life topics, philosophy, neuroscience. And I was really into that kind of stuff too. And people mentioned this book that was really helping people change their lives.

And someone mentioned that Bruce Lee had read this book and it completely changed his life. And I was a big martial arts fan. And so I thought, well, if Bruce Lee read it, I need to read this book too. And it was called Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. And I'll be honest with you, I read this book just because I wanted to experience more joy, get rid of some of these emotional wounds that I'd picked up throughout my life. But just because I wanted better for myself and my family. And I think that really started to create a shift in my thinking.

And I realized that actually I need to have a more positive mindset to create a positive life. And it sounds so cliche and so simple. No, it doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't. And I think it, you know, rationally, we can, we can agree that it is true that if you view the things in front of you in a more positive way, then you're going to deem your life to be more positive. But the problem I think a lot of us have is how do we get there? And from 15 to around 21, 22, I try to force positive thinking. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, while suppressing the negative emotion. So I think. thought being positive meant ignoring anything negative and that was very dangerous I think for me and can we just go through that for people who are listening who I get it yeah but I think a lot of people will go oh yes and then not quite get what you mean by that yeah so I think a lot of ideas that are out there will say you know if you if you think positive positive things will come

all come to you and I completely see that in my own life and I completely believe that to be true but it doesn't mean that you're going to elude all problems and it doesn't mean that we should just ignore how we feel in order to feel good. I think you should always learn to sit with your emotions, accept them and gently let them go. I think self-compassion is integral if you want to grow organically and sustain a feeling of positivity. The reason why positivity comes in moments and doesn't, and isn't something that's found quite regularly, it's because a lot of the time, our pain patterns are still there. What we're doing consciously is we're trying to think positive, but unconsciously there's these patterns that will constantly,

come into play and they'll come into play when we're triggered by an event or an experience. And I feel like what I did is try to force myself to think positive while ignoring these patterns and not actually redefining my limiting beliefs. If there's a thought that persists, even if, so say for example, something happens in the world and say someone spills coffee on you and you say, oh my God, like someone spilled coffee on me, your mind might say, my top's ruined, I can't believe it. And that's true, right? But you might also reframe the situation and say, my tops ruined, but I'm okay.

I've got other tops. I can pop this in the wash. And I think when you, you know, move towards the latter thought, it makes you feel a little bit better than the thought that stays fixated on the idea that the coffee's there and your tops ruin and whatnot. But I feel like there's certain. thoughts that always persist and they'll re-emerge even if you try and reframe a situation later on they'll keep popping up and I feel like that those thoughts stem from a belief and that belief comes from some kind of painful experience that you've had in the past and that's why the

inner healing works so important because it's a case of rewriting those beliefs identifying where those beliefs come from and realizing actually I might have believed that at the time and that's okay. But now I'm an adult. I'm able to take care of myself because I feel like a lot of the beliefs that we have come very early on. If you think about my experience as a child, my perception of the world was completely different. And who's to blame me, right? Because from the ages of, I think, from when you're born to the ages of seven, you're not really rationalizing experiences. You're just feeling them. So you don't quite know what's happening and why it it's happening. You just know you feel a certain way and that feels good and that doesn't.

And our relationship with our caregivers sometimes changes our worldview as well. But because we don't have these adult brains that are able to rationalise these experiences, we start forming these beliefs without questioning if those beliefs are actually helpful and whether those experiences that we had that led to those beliefs were viewed from a lens that's unclouded. So what I mean by this is that sometimes we'll form a belief and the belief might be, for example, let's just take me as an example. With all the experiences I had as a child, I could have easily said to myself, all people that don't look like me are racist.

But that's not true. but because all my encounters seem to be with people that held racist beliefs I could have easily got out into the world and thought, yep, I'm not going to go near that person that's that person racist or that person won't accept me because I look like this.

That's not accurate, but at the time that was true for me because that's how I felt. But I couldn't rationalise that as a child. But that's what's so amazing is that a lot of people wouldn't have come through all of all the things you went through and we hear

awful stories here in the UK and around the world but we hear awful stories about young people who are taken into crimes taken into gangs for a whole bunch of reasons and it's not me

to judge any of that but as you say it's very much learnt behaviour it's the upbringing the first seven years but you didn't go that way And what fascinates me about the inner strength that you must have had to fight your way out of believing that every white person was a racist and that every day wasn't hell. I'm still, you say that book was the trigger, which is amazing.

I think reading is such as a powerful thing. And now, obviously, your books are read by millions and up there are number one for years. But books are powerful. But still, that moment that you said, this isn't a hell day anymore. I'm going to say this, there's still, so even after the book that I picked up, you know, I carried on reading and, you know, I realized that I was suppressing my emotion. Yeah, and you were being positive, but you were suppressing it all. So this is the, this is the key part, I think, in my journey.

And it was, you know, in my early 20s, I got to. to this point where I completely hated my life. And I wasn't facing lots of racism then. We were struggling, but we weren't struggling as much as we had when I was a child. But I just didn't feel good about anything in my life. And I thought to myself, like, you know, I want to leave. This is it for me. And I wouldn't give a trigger warning here for anyone listening.

Because the theme, you know, is around suicide. but at that particular point, I didn't want to exist. And I'm going to kind of spare the details, but, you know, I was able, I remember thinking to myself in those moments that I wanted to leave the world behind because I was a burden on the world. And that's how my mind was functioning at the time. And although I didn't go to a doctor and, you know, I wasn't told that I was depressed, I can imagine that I was very, depressed at this particular time is I struggled to get out of bed. I struggled to do anything. And if someone told me to be thankful, I wouldn't have been able to do it. My brain just wouldn't have been able to find things to be thankful for. Even if there was things to be thankful for, I wouldn't

have been able to do it. And people don't want to hear that either. And I know for you and I both know from the joy that we try to spread on social media that there are a lot of people who sometimes just say, do you know what? I don't want this and you can't make this better. So I can understand that you were at that stage and that you didn't want to live anymore. But what saved you? It's really strange. I think one thing that was critical was my mother because I thought to myself that although I feel like a burden in this world, if I left, how much more burden would I create?

And I was thinking about my mother's suffering. And it's strange because I feel like my mom's so strong after everything she's been through. But the kids give her purpose. And she always used to say to me that, you know, one day you're going to change our lives around. And maybe it's just a motherly thing to say. And it's like, no pressure. But, you know, I will. I will.

Because I've seen you struggle my whole life. I don't want to see you struggle anymore. And I thought to myself, you know, if I'm removed from the world, I remove that purpose from her life. And maybe she was surviving just because of her kids, because of that purpose she found through her kids. And I think that kind of, that helped. But also I just, I think whatever the process I went through, fortunately, you know, kept me here. And when it did, there was this feeling that I had afterwards.

And the feeling kind of spoke out to me and it said, you are here to do some things. think you've survived this and that means that there's still a reason for you to exist and it was that is the moment that changed everything for me because I said to myself I'm going to find a way to actually feel positive and not pretend to be positive so I can manifest this great life. You know, I've read it in the books and it's worked for people and it works in moments but there must be something that's more sustainable here and maybe it was everything like that. I've been through that's gave me that kind of resilience. I don't think it works for everybody, but for me at the time, I said that I would find a way. And I embarked on this journey of

self-love. And I started to really ask myself questions, which sparked self-awareness. You know, why do I feel this way? What led me here? You know, why don't I think life is ever going to be good? You know, what's happened in the past that has led me to believe this? And, you know, I started asking all these questions and I didn't have a guide. I didn't have a book when I started asking myself these questions. I just started to be really honest with myself. And ever since then, you know, fortunately, I do feel much better, but I don't dismiss anyone's reality because I've been through so much and I know that's just my reality. There's so many other realities that coexist. And with my work, you know, all I'm trying to do is alleviate a bit of suffering in the world and share things that I've worked for me and the people around me based on my own experiences, based on things I've observed, based on research or whatever it is.

But I always say to people that, you know, if my kind of ideas don't work, like, that's okay because I understand that they're not going to be for everyone. Everyone's at different stages in their life. everyone's lived through different experiences. People have different severities in terms of like trauma, different backgrounds. You know, you just live through different realities. And I'm not going to force, I don't want to force people to buy into my idea by saying, like, this is right. Because that's not why I do what I do. And if it was, I wouldn't be doing what I do.

Like my whole thing is just, and it sounds, again, so simple. and so cliche to some people, but it's just to leave the world better than I found it. You're not saying to whoever reads your books, and congratulations on your books, by the way. We have them in our house. I buy them and give them to everybody. That you take what you want from this and if you get one little nugget, then you've won. Won a personal thing for yourself. I'm talking about the reader. Through your social media, what you've done is you've lifted a lot of people's pain. You haven't taken it away, maybe for some, but you've lifted that.

You've made them feel better. You've made the world look better and seem better. And hopefully for them, the next day they wake up and they don't think this is a day of hell. How did the books come about, though? Because I know the story, but share with everybody because it's quite amazing. Yeah, the books. So I've always had this dream. Going back to my childhood, I did used to look at my reality and say, one day,

I'm going to change my life. You know, there's going to be a better home and a better environment for myself and my sisters. And then I'm going to tell people how it happened. So this was this childhood dream. And I said to myself, but this probably won't happen until, you know, I'm much older. Maybe when I'm sitting under a tree meditating all day or something like that. And I'd be a multimillionaire and that's when this dream would kind of manifest. But what happened was on social media, I saw this opportunity to share some of that positivity and share some of that wisdom.

And this is the thing. It was you, though. Nobody said to you to do this. No. So I was doing it, initially I was doing it through different pages, right? So at one point, a lot of people don't know this, but I used to have around like 50 social media pages. And the idea of all these social media pages was to spread positivity online. because my wife was doing YouTube

and I noticed that although the online world provided a lot of opportunities to young people it also included a lot of trolling a lot of things that didn't make people feel so good and I felt like if there was one place that positivity needed to be although it used to be in the real world was online so I created all these pages to just share some positivity with the world So you had different names everywhere.

So there were like branded pages. Right. So one of them was, you know, one of them was like good vibes only basically at the time. And again, that got translated a little bit, I don't know, incorrectly because it was supposed to be about trying to find more positivity rather than ignoring negativity. But, you know, people took it. They started creating merchandise with good vibes only all over like tops and mugs and stuff. But yeah, I was just trying to share, I was just trying to share positivity. And at the time, I thought people might not take me seriously because they'll see this kind of, I mean, I'm 34 years old, but a lot of people still think I'm like it.

You look about 18. Yeah, let's be honest. Face to face. You really do. I'm, I'm quite young. And I feel people might, and people do, even now, you know, sometimes I'll get comments like, what makes you think you're old enough to share this wisdom with the world? Hold on. You can be wise. You were obviously wise at six for some reason, you know. You know, there's, yeah. I think people grow at different. Right. People judge. And I also think that, you know, there's so much wisdom in children. Of course.

My word, yes. But anyway, I was sharing all this positivity online. And then my wife said to me, look, you're doing amazing things. And all these celebrities were following like these pages. And it was quite cool at the time. But my wife said, you know, you helped me kind of with my dreams and YouTube. But you need to go out there in the world as just effects king. like not under good vibes only and I had another page called wealthy words and all these other

you know different branded names she was like just just be you do you and just go out into the world and start sharing your ideas she really believe she really did she really did and believes and you know for her it was kind of a lot of the ideas that I was talking about helped her achieve her dream so she was like look this stuff does work and I'm sure it's going to help so many other people and it is helping other people but just no one knows it's you that's sharing this information So why don't you just share as a ex-King? So I did. And I started posting quotes.

And what I would do when I posted a quote was the quote would be quite surface level. So it'd be something that sounded quite trendy, something quite cool. Because I wanted to appeal to as many people as possible. And I don't want to put the millennials off with this kind of deep spiritual wisdom. But then I would take time to elaborate on what the quote meant in the caption, in my own words. And eventually I built this audience. and my agent Jane, she... So when did the agent come in?

So she came in when the platform was, I think, around 100,000 followers. And this was under Vex King, but I actually had other platforms, which I then, you know, retired. But they, you know, some of these platforms were at 600,000 followers at the time. They were quite big, especially back then. But then Jane, you know, so I didn't know who she was. I knew she had an agency and she said, Have you ever thought of writing a book?

The funny thing was that when I was sharing posts, a lot of my followers demanded a book from me. Demanded? Yeah, they were like, you need to write this book. So during the time, I was actually working on a book. But what I was doing was I used to get the same types of questions from my audience. Like, how do I actually become a point? positive person, you know, genuinely positive.

Like, what about toxic family members? How do I find my purpose in life? Like, these were common questions that I kept getting. And I would write them all down. I'd either screenshot them or write them down. And I had this list of things I wanted to address. I also read so many self-help books by now. So, you know, I've probably read like...

Any that stuck with you that worked for you? I think they've all had something to offer. I think what... Oh, good. You said something before, and I think if there's one line in a self-help book that creates a mindset shift, I think I can consider that book as being valuable. And that's what a lot of books have done for me. So, you know, I don't want to... I don't want you to quote the other.

I wasn't asking, I wasn't fishing for who has helped you. But I just, all I mean is that, so you took, I love that, that you took something from all of them. I think I've taken, yeah. And I think now, you know, like a lot of the self-help books that I read now, probably have similar messages and that's okay as well sometimes you need those reminders and sometimes you just need a new perspective on the same message and also times are changing like social media wasn't prominent 10 15 years ago now it is it's through the roof you and you and i know i said this to you uh when i've said it to him before and i've said it to him

as well but you and matt hague um i adore matt he's wonderful but the two of you are very powerful together and Charlie Macasey. And I think the three of you, what the three of you have created is something extraordinarily, yeah, I'm going to say the word powerful again, powerful, because none of you preach. None of you say this is how you have to feel, but take, take this and if it works for you. And that's why I'm interested to know, because it worked. That first book worked. And for Matt it worked, for Charlie is worked.

What makes yours work when other people have tried and they feel they failed? And as you say, they might have had one thing that really worked. But what makes it work for some? I think in terms of the book's reach, I think what's really important is that with me, Matt and Charlie, that we all had, I think, a genuine intention to spread some goodness and kindness in the world. And I think I said this to myself before I released the book. Even when I showed my agent the book, you know, I think her initial reaction was, this is good, but it needs some work.

But it was a butt. I could hear there was a butt. But it needs some work. Because, you know, I'd never written, I'd written Instagram captions. And I always wanted to write a book. But I had no idea about how to write a book. I just wanted to share a message. I love that, though.

That's so magical. Wow. I always tell people that I don't, you know, I pet emotions. It's not about trying to sound good. It's not about being, you know, the best technical writer there is. It's just about being real and honest and trying to provide a solution. Because there's so many problems in the world and I don't neglect any of the problems that exist in the world. But my thing is, is once we've identified the problem, how then do we work on a solution?

And how do we come together to work on a solution? but with the book, I really believed in it. You know, I'd read so many self-help books and personal development, spiritual books. And I thought, how do I connect all these ideas together while answering all the questions that people commonly have? How do I make it very easy and accessible so anyone can read it and understand it? And how do I fill in some of the gaps? Because I feel like sometimes you read books and you're like, but that bit's not quite clear. And I'd felt like this after reading some books.

I'd be like, I get that, but I don't really get this and I don't get how it connects with this. And I wanted to complete that picture in a very easy, simple way. And I realized that on, you know, now attention span seemed to be getting smaller. Think about Instagram. People are just, you know, they're just scrolling and liking. And I think, I don't want to make the book too overwhelming. It took 10 rewrites of the book. And the book was actually initially around 60 to 70,000 words.

And I cut it down to 40. without trying to dilute the message. So it did take a lot of hardware. I remember after writing the book, telling my agent that I never want to write a book again. It's like having a child. You forget the pain, you go for it again. Yeah, you just go for it again.

Because it brings so much joy, especially when you share it with the world. But I remember sharing it. And at the time I had 140,000 followers. And a lot of people turn around and say to me, well, you're successful with the book because you had loads of followers. and 140,000 followers is a lot of followers,

but there was a very small percentage of people that bought the book. And, you know, it never made any top charts straight away. But I really believed that the book was going to help people because I was writing from a place deep within my heart that reflected everything I had gone through and experienced in my life. And I, every single line I wrote, again, people find this. weird when I say is I prayed and I said I said I hope this helps someone and every single line I was doing it and I was doing and I just felt deep inside that I want this book would help people and it

can help people and people just needed to put a bit of trust in the book but I didn't like preaching marketing so I refused to do any preaching marketing and I just wanted it to be genuine and organic and I remember when it first came out in the world and I said to all my followers. I said, look, I believe the book can help people, but I'm not going to try and push for a sale. If you feel drawn to it, please go ahead and make, you know, read it and make your own mind up. But my intention is always going to stay the same. And even though we're there are a million copies, it's still the same. And it's going to be the same for every single book I release is as long as my book helps one person, that's one person that's better off in the world. Exactly.

And that's what books did for me. So I'm kind of giving people what books have given to me, in my life because, you know, I wouldn't be here today if I didn't have those books around me because, you know, I couldn't ask, I didn't have any mentors, I didn't have people that were in better positions than me. Every single person around me was suffering or facing the same reality and I'd go into school, but we wouldn't talk about what we were going through back home or how we didn't have any money. In fact, in school, if you were poor, you know, you almost would get picked on. So I would always hide that aspect. And I would try and look like, you know, I had a bit of money, although I was struggling with school meals. And then I, you know, I'd try and sell

stuff to try and make money to fund my school meals and so forth. But I think with Matt, Charlie and me, and I've spoken to Matt a couple of times, you know, we've been through hardship in different ways. And because we've been through those hardships, we want to help people so they don't have to go through the same pain as us. And that's why we do what we do. And that's, that's really it. And you know, when you get to us, you know, you start selling more books, people will whisper things into your ear and say, have you thought about doing this? Have you thought about doing that? And you know, I sometimes turn around and say, I listen to the whispers. I listen, but I don't always, I don't always act on them. In fact, I probably act on less than 5% of those, those whispers,

because I always stay true to my intuition. I think my intuition's got me so far. After everything I've been through, and I don't want to forget where I was ever, because although I'm in a better place now, there are still people out there suffering, and I want to do everything I can. And people always ask me, like, you know,

how can you be so kind when the world's been so unkind to you? and I say to people because the world's been so unkind to me I know how it feels and I don't want other people to feel that way and that's interesting because people you know we do hear about the bully the bullied become the bully and learn behavior and how it repeats itself after generation after generation but you've broken that cycle and I think for a lot of people to hear that you've broken that cycle means it is possible for so many you know they're

I mean, I just have a completely different world, obviously, that we come from, but we come together on our beliefs. And sometimes I hear from people, and I want to wave a magic wand. My God, I want to be able to make it better for some of the people I hear from. But you can actually break that, you can break that cycle. And people like you and people like Matt are, you know, prove that. And you're not preachy. I would never think of you as preachy or Matt or Charlie. But you were all saying, look what can happen.

Yeah, it's. And so people can do it. I think people need to know that it's possible. You know, that person who's feeling hellish because they're, you know, and it's painful beyond painful to lose a parent very young. I mean, you were far younger than I was. but but using losing a parent losing a loved one going through whatever their personal journey is

whether it's their illness we hear more and more about cancer we hear about HIV and now obviously COVID as well and the pain that people have been through in the past two years but that it can get better and I know people get annoyed and they think that that's trite when I say it but it can get better

It doesn't necessarily heal, but it can get better. It can. And I think that's all we want to do, really, is just kind of instill a bit of hope in people because there are things that I'm sure people are going through, which I won't understand, Matt won't understand, another author or whatever they are, you know, won't understand. But I think we just want people to know,

that there are choices that they can make healthier choices and there is something greater for them in the world and just to never give up on that. But I completely understand that it's difficult and when you've gone through something that's difficult to manage or when it changes, you know, biologically changes you, psychologically changes you, it can be even more difficult.

but there's always that hope and when you cling on to that ounce of hope and I think when I was describing the time that I wanted to leave the world it was that hope that kept me here and that hope that's got to me got to me here right now so you know it's just trying to find that hope and just try and try and feed it even if it's in small ways I say to people that when I struggled to get out of bed, making my bed was an accomplishment. Getting out was an accomplished, but making my bed was an accomplishment. And something's as small as that breeds confidence. You know, it releases dopamine, which is, you know, part of a reward system. And then you think, actually, you know, like, I've done this. So maybe I can do something out. Start small. Even if it's just, you know,

taking the trash out or something as small as that, you don't have to take these big steps. And I know social media, maybe even in my work, I apologize. if I've ever done this, but maybe in our work, we talk about these big dreams and goals, but you don't need to take massive steps right away. If you're struggling with something and it feels quite intense, just try and take a small step if you can. And don't forget that, you know, you have people around you that want to help, want to support you.

A lot of people don't. One of the things I, when I, a couple of months ago, when I, a couple of months ago, when I, I posted something of yours. I also put underneath that it's important to talk. And if you've got nobody to talk to, you know, with Samaritan's mind, there are so many places. I think some people sometimes feel that they don't have anybody to listen, but they feel you listen.

So Vex, you've done that for a lot of people, which is very important. Thank you. Let's talk about family now. Your family, the family that, how did you and your wife meet? I want some robe. Come on, shether, share them. So me and my wife, This is strange, right?

So me and my wife went to the same, at the time, middle school. But we never knew each other. I was in the year above her. But I remember this vivid moment where I looked at her and I just wondered who she was. And if she was Indian, because she's really fair skin. I remember looking at her at that time and just, you know, just in like, almost like querying, like who she was. if she's Indian, if she's from the same background. And that's the only memory I really have of it.

How old were you at the time? 12, I think. Oh, my word. Yeah. Oh, goodness me. Very young. And then she moved to America after. And I'd never, I'd never met her.

Then she moved back. Basically, her father became ill. Unfortunately, isn't with us now. But she had to move back. and when she moved back I remember seeing her again when we were around 18 years old and I found her attractive at the time

and you know she looked at me in a certain way but you know we didn't pursue anything at the time we were very young we just went about our kind of lives and then later so this is around 20 I think I was yeah it was 22 at the time I saw I was out in a nightclub, as you do, with my friend.

And it was funny because my wife and I don't smoke. We've never smoked, but we were in the smoking area with friends that do. And we just started talking to each other. And I realized after talking to her that there was something really special about her. And I couldn't quite put my finger on it. And I think it was through Facebook. She sent me a friend request. Good girl.

And we just started, we started talking. And I thought she was in a relationship, but she'd, you know, just moved on from that relationship. So I didn't want to, like, overstep any boundaries. So I didn't like flirt with or anything. I was just trying to, you know, just be a good person and just talk to her normally. But you fancied her. Come on. Come on.

She's a very, very attractive girl. Yeah. Yeah. And we just got talking and we would speak to each other every single evening. And, yeah, the attraction just grew. And then she told me about her previous relationship and how she wasn't with her partner. And I spoke about certain things in my life. And then, you know, she was because her father had passed away.

So it was only her mum that was around. And it was the same with me. And we both bonded over having a positive mindset because we'd both been, through so much kind of trauma. And that's when I realised that actually, I don't know what it is about about this girl, but I feel like she wants to move in the same direction as me. And since then, you know, things have just just grown and we're married now.

We've been together for an early, well, it'll be 13 years next year. So we've been together for a long time. And we've, you know, we've had her ups and downs. And I've learned a lot a lot about myself. and I always say to people that there's nothing that teaches you more about yourself than a relationship. Because once you develop comfort with kind of with your partner, you start to take sometimes, sometimes you'll take things out on your partner, which isn't necessarily correct as such. But what you start to realize, I don't think you'll feel as triggered as much as you do when you're in a relationship.

And when you're in that environment, that gives you so much. opportunity to learn who you are, why you think in certain ways, what your trigger points are. And it really helps you develop this unconditional love beyond your family, I think, when you find someone that you really accept. And, you know, she's the, although I've always had unconditional love for my family and friends, you know, I've never felt unconditional love in that pure sense as I, as I do towards my wife. And now we've got a puppy, so there's unconditional.

But it was the first time I thought, actually, beyond my mom, my sisters, who I grew up with, there's this unconditional love towards a human being that's not related to me. And the puppy as well. And the puppy now as well. And a lot of people around me as well. But yeah, she taught so much, she taught me so much about myself. That's so wonderful. It's just, you know, it's a very precious union that we have.

And I'm just extremely grateful. I love that. I was going about the, if you can smile and then share the smile, that simple thing. And when you smile, you should, I wish, this is, unfortunately, people only listening to this. But the smile that when you talked about her, it just, you just glowed with love for her. I'm sure she's going to love hearing. Yeah, maybe we should tell our other people around us more often how they make us feel. because you just, honestly, you just, the whole glow was in the room.

That was so lovely. Thank you. We always ask in this podcast what makes you belly laugh. And obviously you've had a lot of pain, but I bet there's been a lot of laughter too. So what makes you properly lose it laughing? Properly, oh, do you know what? It's always an inside joke, right? That's really random and really pathetic and seeing.

No, I love random and pathetic. I'm not for that. It's when, and it's during those moments, whether it's with my wife, actually, she tickles me and I'm quite ticklish. And she knows it. And when she knows that I'm in that zone where I'm really feeling ticklish, she'll purposely touch me like around my neck knowing I'm going to react hysterically. So that really makes me lose it. But, you know, there's moments where me and my wife just laugh at something really silly and random. Sometimes it's a bit of banter, you know, something she's done or something I've done.

And we laugh to the point we can't talk. Brilliant. And it's those moments. And it's when you think about life, it's those moments which you kind of hang on to. Even going back to my past, I would say all people that, although there was a lot of things that didn't feel right or things that felt wrong, there were those moments where things felt like a, you know, a joyful kind of blissful harmony. And it was those moments with other people, like my sisters or my mum, where we just laughed. And we didn't have much at the time, but we were still able to laugh. And I think that's really important to remember that you can be in a situation which isn't favourable,

but you still have the ability to laugh with the people that you love. There's a very old saying, and I know some people find it trite, but laughter is the best medicine. and I will stand by that to the day I die, which I hope it won't be for a long time because I'm one of those people that gets out of bed and skips because I get so excited about each day. But laughter is just such a valuable commodity. And as you say, even though you had all those dark days,

that you had moments of laughter, you can have those moments of laughter, and you mustn't feel guilty about it. You know, people say, oh, you know, my friend has just died, my parents has just died out, whatever. Somebody's desperately ill in hospital. I'm not well. But I'm laughing. Oh, I shouldn't be laughing. Take the shouldn't. Yeah. You deserve joy. You deserve happiness and you deserve to laugh. I think when I go back to

my childhood, I thought to myself like, I feel good, but I shouldn't because I know bads around the corner. And it's almost like you're expecting it. You want it to happen because you're so comfortable. You're so used to seeing Struggle. So you're like, okay, Struggle, let me invite you back in. Because it's a comfortable place. It's a place you know. Yeah, and that's the only thing I knew at the time. But I think just shifting that belief to saying, actually, you know what, I'm worthy of love, I'm worthy of happiness, I'm worthy of success, I'm worthy of more laughter. And when I look back on my childhood, I do remember those moments and I have this nostalgic feeling and I can't quite explain it. But I just think, wow, those moments were so precious.

And I only identify how precious they are. When you, you just use the word success And that's quite interesting Because how do you perceive as success? I think success is an internal feeling If you asked me 20 years ago What I thought success meant I thought success meant becoming a multi-millionaire

Where everyone knows your name And everyone knows what good you've done with the world And I think, especially with some of the celebrities I've worked with, I started to realise that you can have it all but you might not be happy with whatever's in front of you. And success is really looking at what's in front of you and feeling accomplished and thinking,

I've actually not only achieved this, but I actually have so many blessings that surround me. And success doesn't have to be in the future. It can be in this moment. And again, to have that feeling of success, I feel like you need to have gratitude, that appreciation for what you have in front of you. you because a lot of the time we feel like happiness exists somewhere in the future, yet the

only moment we have is the present moment, right? The moment that's the only moment that actually exists because everything else is imagine the future is happening on the mental plane. The past again is being constructed on the mental plane. So what you actually have in front of you is this present moment, yet we're constantly waiting for happiness to happen in the future. And when the future arrives, it's going to arrive as a present as well. But then if we don't appreciate what we have in that particular moment, we're just going to let it pass by while chasing something in the future. It's okay to have goals. It's okay to dream for a better future. But you will never feel accomplished unless you appreciate what you have and what you've overcome. And I think that's

extremely important. I can focus on numbers. I can focus on selling more. books, writing more books. But sometimes I just have to take a step back and think, you know what? I've done what I said I was going to do. I've liberated my mum to some extent. I've, you know, I'm in a much better area. I'm married. I've got so many things to feel grateful for. Like, that is success in itself. And to someone, that might be a huge success. To someone else, it might be not much success at all. It's, again, it's what. doesn't judge others. Everybody's very judgmental these days. I think we're all very aware of that. And I think we just need to, you know, focus on our journeys and start to just appreciate those small things. If we feel like we're in a place to do so, just appreciate those things that around us, the things that give off feelings of love and joy.

Thanks, King. Thank you. Thank you for having me, Gabby. Coming up next week, the model and presenter, Daisy Lowe. That Gabby Roslyn podcast is proudly produced by Cameo Productions, music by Beth McCari. Could you please tap the follow or subscribe button? And thanks so much for your amazing reviews. We honestly read every single one and they mean the world to us. Thank you so much.