That Rules Podcast - Episode #1: The Origin Story

Episode Date: May 29, 2021

Well we finally did it, and absolutely no one was asking for it. The world was in desperate need of another podcast from Open Mic Stand Up comedians. Here. Enjoy it. Or don’t. Stay handsome you idiots.

All right, welcome to episode one of whatever we're going to call this. That's what it is. So this podcast is two to three years in the making of two drunk dudes just every time we'd see each other saying, this is funny, we should definitely do a podcast about this. Now there might be two drunk dudes but there is one guy drinking a tea and the other guy is staying true to the name and drinking a white claw at 2pm on a

Friday, so that's what it is. It's not just a tea too, it's a throat coat tea. Also not 2pm, but that's another big part. But before we get into teas and Wait, hold on. Throat coat tea. Throat coat tea is a word that you just said out loud three words and i don't know do you ever get a suggestion from somebody once and you just hold it to be truth for the rest of your life yeah that's how my parents raised me

yeah so i had a friend who was a singer of a band and i remember asking him one time i was like when you tour like every night you're singing I lose my voice if I like at the end of this I'll lose my voice and I was like how do you prevent like from losing your voice and he the only words he said was throw coat tea so for now like 10 years of my life I'm like that's that's the answer if I just drink throw coat tea that sounds like a cool guy yeah throw coat tea or a name of a gay porn star yes could be the same guy i've noticed i like i might need a throat coat tea because i might do my voice has been cracking an unbelievable amount lately and it's happening like i'm talking

to my girlfriend i'm talking to my friends and it'll just like sneak in on like the worst words it's never like a cool word that comes in on It's always like what would be a cool word for your voice to crack? I'm like, I just like get a lot of pussy. Just something unique and cool. Hey man, I found $400. It's always like, hey, you got a right hand? Like it's always something not that cool. So, I mean, I throw a coat to you, I can take one. Do you think you just maybe need to start saying more cool things more frequently?

A lot of people are saying I'm probably one of the coolest, probably one of the 300, 400. Yeah, judging by the fact you're wearing jeans, but I can still see both of your knees right now. Well, I get nervous that people won't know what my knees look like, so I like to cut the holes out and let them know the entire time. That's a perfect point. I'll intro you as to who the listeners need to visualize. So from my perspective, if you need to get a visual of... And be fair about it. I'm going to be very painfully fair about it.

Hold on, let me give you a real look. So to paint the picture for anyone listening, we're sitting in a detached garage of my 100-year-old home. We don't know how old the garage is. It could cave in at any point. Sure. It couldn't be more of a garage of a 35-year-old white guy. Yeah.

Including, which Matt can touch on it when he gets to introduce me, a shrine basically to myself. I can't wait. That I put up. But sitting across from me in a Dick's Sporting Goods branded lawn chair, like one you would bring to a sporting event or an outdoor concert, which all of us have been forced to go to now, sporting event or outdoor concert, which all of us have been forced to go to now, is a man in what I can only describe as almost leggings of jeans with holes in both of the

knees. That's right. We'll start at the shoes, actually. I'll go down. Get down, yeah. We're going to bottom up. Very, very cool blue and black Jordans. Are they low cut Jordans?

Dunks. They're dunks. They're dunks. Good man. But to a 35-year-old guy such as myself who only knows a little bit who's a fake sneakerhead we can touch on that too we'll get in there uh yeah they're jordans we'll call them jordans if you stepped on it like sorry i stepped on the jordans that's what it is uh to the high white socks which is the thing that it's either you're really cool or you're a fucking loser and that's up to you to

determine if you're wearing them and it's all about how you wear them again to the jeans that are essentially leggings with holes holes in the knees i can see both of his knees yeah so if you were to go out in the sun and get sunburned wearing those pants you would have just burnt knees and the rest would be pale white yeah and then a white t-shirt that he before we started humbly told me it's a 50 white t-shirt that he, before we started, humbly told me it's a $50 white t-shirt that just says Cactus Jack printed on the front of it. That's Travis Scott. Which, yeah, I did know that. Don't act naive to me. I'm a fake enough sneakerhead that I know who Travis Scott is.

I know his shoes. I know his Jordans and everything. But then also Cactus Jack to me is the wrestler from the 90s. thing but then also cactus jack to me is the wrestler from the 90s which is funny because also in this i'm sitting across from a person who's 10 years younger than me so probably when you were born mankind you remember that name mcfoley no okay so he was one of like the biggest names in wrestling he had three personas and one was cactus jack but then it's hilarious that basically travis scott has taken that name yeah and then done more with it way financially than the guy who created ever good yeah i feel like if you

just rebranded hitler and you're like yeah no these are these are aramax hitlers and it just took off and then 20 years from now our name somebody you're explaining to in a garage to someone 10 years younger than you who the original that's well if you give it a cooler name it can be a brand new thing like if you take hitler and it's adolf you made it like adolf don't play that or something that's not good at all but you understand my line of thinking yeah i might not play this you just took a home we don't play that i don't know what adolf was like i never got a chance to I didn't follow his work I was taught it in well I've read his work

I actually have most of it tattooed on my ribs I mean your cough it's my cough it's not going to help yeah so that's that is my co-host of whatever we're going

to call this podcast Matt Peoples South Jersey Philadelphia Royersford Comedian probably one of the best of that jurisdiction yeah the South there's you know so many so many South Jersey

Royers for comedians and I just placed myself firmly at the top of all that enormous amount of people and I guess it's only fair that I go ahead and I describe my co-host about what we have going on here we just have an upsetting display of calves that are milky in a way as if when you look at the milk in your fridge and go, it's expired, but it smells fine, but you don't trust it. That's his calves. He is wearing slides with socks, but you knew that before I said it. He's wearing shorts that are probably older than I am.

And he's wearing those shirts that are like handsome older guy shirts where it's like where do my sleeves stop you'll never know like one of those deals but uh he puts it together he's got a kid he's a wiped up guy so I think it's a fair I think it's a fair way to present yourself and you're a what are you Harrisburg Jersey I mean you know impregnating people across the nation. So that's who he is. That's what it is. And he has so many rakes, so many rakes, a couple shovels.

The guy has maybe like 30 square feet of grass. So you don't need that much, and that's another obvious one. But at any rate, we have, you know, know you can't unless you're watching on the youtube that we don't have um there is a shrine to john and it is it is a shrine that not only screams but screams into a megaphone white privilege it is a tennis racket a penny skateboard not a real skateboard not like a cool local guy skateboard it's a penny board skateboard a bat from a failed professional baseball career attempt and a Montag Lane shirt or no sorry shirt I've had several way close a Montag Lane street sign that could only have been stolen in Sea Isle, New Jersey at like 2.30 in the morning.

And that's what it is. And that's my description. So I think that feels... Yeah. And if this ever does take off, I'll post a picture of my shrine to myself. I mean, that might be the backdrop. The street sign is not stolen, ironically enough. It's actually from your hometown.

Okay. The road that leads into Little League at the town you're from from i don't know if we can say you know for legal reasons yeah his name montag lane after my grandfather so it's like the only cool thing that's ever happened in my family was yeah and i feel like that's like as south jersey trash like king as you can be like there's a a street named after someone in my family. That's about, like, every white person I know that I don't respect has a sign or a lane. And the fact that it's a lane,

I think the fact that it's a lane is more annoying than if you would have gotten, like, Montag Street, Montag Avenue. Yeah, lane is like, it's a pussy. It's like the weakest of the streets. Well, that, because you're, people who go to like destination places, they will generally be like, oh, we're going to this and that lane or going to their lane. Like you're insinuating, like you're not a street. You're like a row of shops. Yeah. Like, like artisan crafts and like coffee shops. Like that's what that sign says.

Or like Lover's Lane. Lover's Lane. Where people just go to make out and get murdered. Yeah. I've been watching a lot of true crime shit where people just get murdered at, like, lookout point. Making, I mean, if you make out with somebody and then you get murdered and all you did was make out, that's a bummer of a night. Yeah. I don't think I would have ever, like, in the early years of, like, when I first got my license and there was, like, a place where you were like, we're going to go make out down there.

Sure. If I were to get murdered at Riverwinds in West Effort on the front of the water. Yeah. With my pants halfway down, like, I feel like that would end up in my obituary. Getting murdered is one thing, but getting murdered naked is so what's the word like not demoralizing but like it's a real lack of integrity what's the word I'm looking for it's not embarrassing but it's like because defending yourself with like your soft dick like yeah it's so it's embarrassing because it's also

like if you get murdered does your face face stick like that last face you make? Yeah. Because I always I tried to write a bit about this recently, just about final words about how it's like you always hear like in history where they're like this final words were like love and peace or what drove this nation together. But, you know, his final words were like, don't touch my shit. Like now that I'm gone. you know his final words were really like don't touch my shit like now that I'm gone.

So like if your final words when you're getting murdered it's gotta be like ouch or who the fuck are you? Yeah. It's not gonna be something cool.

It's not gonna be anything you wish it would be more heroic but the reality of the situation is that like my final words would be like I'll suck your dick please. I'll say some real heinous shit

to get out of it. I think the bad thing would be if like they found me they're gonna find me with multiple stab wounds in my back because I'm running away from like

it should be a situation where I'm like a hero and I stand up and like stop the person from killing the people I'm with wife and children

yeah and it's like no I just turned and ran and he chased me down killed me and then came back to like the people that I ran from

but you stalled. Yeah. So that's heroic in itself. Yeah, accidental heroism. He's like, I gave you guys time. And they were like, you kept saying you were going to blow him. And I was like, well, I was offering. I didn't say I was going to do it.

Before he showed the knife, you were saying it. That's why I love people. Women be shopping. But speaking of a bit, I thought about, I wanted to do, you ever hear people say the bit, not a bit, they say like, oh, my life's a movie. Yeah. You ever that? It's like usually like Southern New Jersey Italian guys that like go to Atlantic City

too often. It's an Instagram quote. Right. Right. Yeah. I was thinking, this is not, I'm not doing this for the pod i think we can run bits we don't know what this we have no structure yeah just two dudes in a garage talking so that we don't make out with each other tony parlante's on his way he'll be here uh all right this is

i'm actually wondering about this but so people say my life's a movie and it's usually like like i said like a guy for like who goes to atlantic city too often i think it'd be like my life's a movie and it's usually like I said a guy for like who goes to Atlantic City too often I think it'd be like your life's not a movie. Your life's like a commercial like you're just Selling bullshit that nobody buys the entire time. Yeah, nobody like and that's like your life's even worse Cuz your life's like a Super Bowl commercial. Yeah, it's like people watch it And they're like I don't bother at all and be like and that must have spent that cost a lot of money I would love to see the, like, your life's like a movie,

but it's like, my life's like a miniseries. Because it's like, there's so much downtime in your life. Like, I think about that all the time. Like, if you were going to take the highlights of someone, like, if you took the highlights

of my life, it would be like, he went to school for a while. He got a job. And then it's just, like, intermittently me napping and falling asleep on the couch at like two in the morning like there's so much not i always think like forrest gump like

there had to have been like so many down moments in that if you're really following someone's real life it would just be hilarious it's like it's why reality tv shows have like producers because it's life isn't that interesting yeah and that's what I was like back noise and music and stuff yeah it's mostly me driving around giggling at things I see which would be amazing just 30 minutes of dead silence and me just giggling at like I told you the one one thing we were going to try to do was um unfinished notes on our phone which we can get that eventually for now but was uh I drove by a guy today a blind guy waiting for the bus and he was in full camouflage oh yeah so i like my brain i just started giggling to myself and i was like i have to write in my phone

whether that becomes like a joke eventually probably not i'll probably send my phone now it's a segment on a podcast but i want to know like one was the situation someone dressed him and they just had a sense of humor about it? They were like, he has no fucking clue. Or did he go to that person like, I can't see anything and I don't want anyone to be able to see me. He's like fully blending in. Yeah, was he blind his whole life? Or did someone first have to explain to him the concept of camouflage?

And they explained it so well that he was like i want to wear nothing but camouflage for the rest of my life a blind guy in camouflage he sees nothing and nobody sees him yeah does the guy exist he doesn't i think you can like write that off on your taxes and i also thought that like if i was that bus driver just for my own laugh i'd have to drive right past him because then he's just got to go that sounds like a bus it smells like a bus but I'm not sure if it was start wearing like a bright yellow hat and he's like I'll give you that yeah keep the camo what was camo like ever so I graduated high school in 2004 yeah and I think that was like oh my god jesus fucking christ camo especially in south

jersey made like its peak then. Right around then, like, camo cargo shorts were a huge thing. Yeah. To where, like, you would go to, like, a local concert. It was, like, also, I played in, like, a shitty hardcore band. So, like, the music scene was, like, dudes in camo shorts, either a band t-shirt or, like, a Phillies t-shirt, like a Chase Elliott t-shirt, and then a t-shirt and then a camo Phillies or Eagles oh I missed that I was not so like it hit and it was like at the peak of cargo shorts too like yeah I think I stopped wearing cargo shorts right around I remember I got a pair and I thought it was so cool and then I was like oh these are great if I'm tailgating and I get

mustard on them no one will know yeah and it's like no we can see the yellow stain it's also just a bummer you're wearing it to be able we should say john is 35 yeah and i'm 25 yeah so that most of this podcast will be me just going was this a thing yeah just being fucking grandpa me and being like yeah back in my day we used to wear camo and use the n-word but it's so funny like a whole group of people wearing camo trying to act like you didn't plan to all wear camo nobody was the guy who texted in the group text and was like i'm getting camo tonight you guys go plaid or like something like that like yeah just i think it happened very organically because i never had a lot of camo people as i was growing up it was a lot of cargo shorts but it was all like tan cargo shorts. I went to a Catholic high school.

It was tan cargo shorts when you had a casual day, which was real. Some girls would throw out yoga pants, and that would mess up my entire day. But most of the guys would wear tan cargo shorts, a black Under Armour t-shirt, and we were like, now we fuck. That's the outfit of a guy who's getting loose, who's drinking at the age of 15 1� half and i was not that guy i would wear like skateboard shoes and i had like a buzz cut and i had like early onset herpes like i was like a real mess at 15 and i look back at pictures and like i impress i've seen pictures of you I scrolled far enough back on your Instagram.

You look like high school musical. Like you have the fucking swooped over haircut. Yeah. Because you came up like right here. That was a little bit before high school. That was like eighth grade. Because that was like Justin Bieber was probably huge. He was coming off of like when he had been enormous, and now he was just transitioning into big star.

But when you transition into big star, everything's like, oh, that guy's gay, that guy's a pussy. But you guys all still had his hair. But then we all had his hair. And girls didn't like it. But you assumed they did? Well, now that I think about it, there's so many things that i feel like i did then and like i have a beautiful girlfriend now but doing now check back on episode two and three now it'll be like she left me yeah she's you know a bit of pain but uh like there's so many things

that i think that dudes do that they think girls like that really only other dudes care about oh yeah I think about that all the time with my gym yeah Jim even if you take it down to like cologne like when yeah if you think about it if you were picking a smell like it's weird you would almost want to flip like the scent so like if the smell of man's cologne is what a woman really likes, wouldn't she want to smell like that? If it's a smell she likes. Oh, that's good. So then if you flip it, then like you, I've thought about this and it was one of the things on my phone too.

When I moved back to South Jersey, so I lived outside of South Jersey for three years. And as soon as I moved back, like the day I moved back, I smelled a girl like, that sounded weird. I'm doing my usual walking around smelling and walmart was long and she was just i'm sniffing i'm in full camo and i'm telling them i'm blind masks you know you pull the mask yeah but no when i moved back it was like i in passing like caught a whiff of a woman and it was strong enough that i was like it hit me like that sensory thing that like snaps you back yeah and it was whatever perfume every girl in South Jersey wore when I was in eighth grade And it might it might not it might have been like curve I don't know but if I smell it to this day instantly get flashbacks of like

Sitting in my basement on the phone too long talking to a girl That's what it is and but that I feel like that's It was just south jersey trash girls sorry to all the south jersey trash girls listening to this you guys all smelled the same you all had necklaces that had your name written in cursive that's right and you smelled the same and you all had sweatpants that said pink on the butt and you all had you know just way too much articles of clothing from Hollister and Abercrombie and Fitch, and that's okay, because we, as men, we were doing whatever the inverse of that was, we were just, you know.

Well, and that's what, going back to what you were saying, like, everything you did was what you assumed girls liked. Yeah. And I was the same way, but it was weird, because, like, I floated in between, like, three groups of friends, almost. Like, I had my friends that were, like, sport, like, jock friends. Yeah. Then I had friends that were, like, my friends that ended up being, like, groups of friends almost like I had my friends that were like sport like jock friends yeah then I had friends that were like my friends that end up being like stoner friends yeah and then I had friends that like from playing music like in in bands that were like the punk rock kids quote unquote

punk rock kids so I had like a weird like combination of all those things I'd be like Hollister Polo but i'm also wearing an army hat for some fucking reason yeah yeah and i have like what they call them the the drug rag like hoodie from wildwood boardwalk because i want to be cool with my stoner friends i mean we're just finding out that john and i are essentially the same human being just 10 years apart where i i fucking i would like do the same shit like i was like the best player on my basketball team but i was also like hey basketball like i want to just skateboard yeah so it'd be like i'd have like a jersey on skinny jeans and etnies and it would be like that would

be who i was yeah and i was tall and pale and skinny fat with red hair and then i was like if a girl's not gonna me she's out of her stone because I am rocking it right now like I hit so many genres like one of the girls from one of these three groups

is going to be into me I mean I I saw a TikTok that I know if you don't know TikTok heard of it in your early 50s

my niece and nephew tell me about it all the time I mean having a niece and nephew is just an unbelievable the fact though that like you're

you're only 10 years younger than me and like you're only 10 years you're in that like tiktok age range but also my six and seven year old niece and nephew are also in the tiktok age range yeah it's hilarious yeah it's weird it's weird because it's not for me but i'm in there like i'm old yeah and you know i'm very honest like had the pandemic not have happened and we weren't locked down and I had to like download apps

to keep myself occupied I might not have been as into it but now I have like per day I have like two hours dedicated just like fucking scrolling

it's awful and you're just scrolling through just scrolling it's not because you got it and you're like I'm gonna put content on here I tried to

and I got bored and I was like let me see other people's shit and I'm like you're like, I'm going to put content on here. I tried to and I got bored and I was like, let me see other people's shit. And I'm like, what a comic that I'm not even fucking making videos. Yeah.

And I've made videos and it's a dumpster fire. It's a weird lane though because like, I think every comic tried to come up with something at the beginning

of the pandemic. Like, I made two videos and it took, like one took me all day in this garage we're in now for a 20 second instagram video about like things you could do during the pandemic i was wearing a spaceman helmet because i thought that was hilarious that was fun and i love that but i put so much work into that and then got like 30 likes on it that i was like i'm

never doing that again yeah cut to a week later i made another one that like did worse yeah but yeah there's so many people i feel like because you heard enough big name comics say oh tiktok's great like i'm getting like yeah because i guess there is two ends of it like there's have you seen the guy scott sees he does the customer service ones that blew up killer yeah so scott is a i think baltimore comic originally but i knew him from when i was out in central pa harrisburg amazing comic like to the point where he's still one where my wife will quote his jokes because he has just like great punch lines like that and shout out scott sees he's not going to listen to this because he's way above it nobody will but he

started doing those customer service ikea ones where it's, I guess it's like everyone that gets a trend of how they're doing it. Yeah. And then like, it's like the, like they'll say something and like the music hits. And then like Shark Tank music comes in. It's like, do, do, do, do, do. Like it's like a very like, yeah. So there's that, but then there's also just like the opposite end of it where it's like

somebody trying to just do short skits. Yeah. Yeah. It's like somebody trying to just do short skits. Yeah. Yeah. You have to, like, juggle that. Like, I did one that got 132 likes.

And, you know, I mean, I blew up. I stopped talking to my parents. 96 of those likes were just burners. Started buying Travis Scott t-shirts. That just changed. This is an investment. It's going to pay off. I'm not gonna sit here with these peasants after i got 132 likes but i literally like i thought like the way to do it

is like and make a short sweet one so i made like short sweet ones that were not funny i mean i saw them yeah i appreciate it yeah i mean so did my fucking therapist but uh so i made one that was like a little bit longer and it got a decent amount of likes and it's so weird because you you know after you post it you Google like when's a good time to post because you're such a piece of shit comic really I need as much attention as I get once a good time to post should I put what hashtags do I put is it too long is it too short so like I put the longest one that I had put up went on there and then it did more I mean not to say that

132 is anything but like more than the other ones that I've gotten and I read all the shit about like you know they put it out there like to a certain segment of audience and like a group of people that'll see it and they'll either like it or not like it in a second yeah but I think TikTok is probably one of the better avenues to move along in stand-up. Probably. The other one that's been, yeah, that's how I'm going to get to the top, is probably TikTok. Yeah. Not getting funnier and doing shit.

Dude, I mean, you don't have to be funny at all on TikTok. But that's what sucks is, like. I watched TikTok, and it was, like, shitting themselves, and it was, like, 300,000 likes, and I was like, I'll shit myself anyway. It made me giggle just thinking about it. Yeah. But then I started to see, too, like, it's, like, very famous comedians, their audio and people lip syncing it. So it's, like, a 12-year-old girl doing her makeup and doing, like, a Dan Soder routine.

Yeah. So, like, it's that weird crossover where I guess it's good because it introduced their comedy to a group of people that would never have, you know, listened to somebody like Dan Soder or Kyle Kinane, like, one of my favorite comics. that would never have you know listened to somebody like dan soda or kyle kinney like one of my favorite comics there's not many tweens that are going to be into she's the word tween it shows my age that are going to be into like kyle canaan's humor but i guess doing lip sync stuff is like the thing now i don't know this is just matt explains tick tock it's all i think it's like the thing now i don't know this is just matt explains tiktok it's all i think it's like tiktok glorifies like mundane bullshit so which i think is a good thing like like most tiktoks that do well there's like somebody like eating while they're doing the tiktok like someone's like scooping out some fucking lo mein and taking a bite and then being like what's up with israel balestine like it's like these

weird normal things where it forces you to pretend that you're like talking to somebody you know and most of the tech talks that like do numbers that aren't like you know comedy ones or like some girls shaking their ass or shit like that so like i think it is kind of like a like i said it's a glorifying normal shit and which i think is okay but i mean the chinese government you know they're in charge you know praise to uh president z president china yeah i don't know i mean it's xi i think his name is shout out to china the female wrestler um china our first sponsor the chinese government uh hey do you like america but like way more crowded come to china with promo code fuckboy jeans there's a name of our podcast fuckboy jeans yeah that's i mean it's good

because you can write it g-e-n-e-s or j-e-a-n-s oh that's pretty good fuckboy jeans put it on the list this show is just going to be called Naming a Podcast. Naming a Podcast. That definitely exists already. Yeah, but it's probably not good. Have you ever tried to start a podcast before?

No. This is my first time starting one, talking, and, uh, It's my first time talking. It's my first time speaking. It seems okay.

I wish I was speaking Chinese, Mandarin. Oh, I shouldn't record shit. No, that's okay. You haven't missed anything i think uh i don't know i think most comedians that i know in the philly scene

the new jersey scene have a podcast so it feels fair yeah start one up yeah but well and i think it's what the people need is more open mic comics. Like us. Talking about open mic comedy. Yeah. So, yeah. Well, it's a unique, it's a unique prospect because. Yeah, there's only one.

I mean, Philly's Funniest Tell Us is that there's only 200 of us in the greater Philadelphia area. They're not always right. As we, you know. We won't get into that. We could spend. That's the other thing, too, is like, it's so funny because all the podcasts i listen to now i feel like i most ones i listen to are all in the same realm if not from like the same podcast network the ones that are comedy based so so many of them talk about the same topics yeah and it sucks because then it's like

by the time you and i would sit down to record one i've already heard the like the news of the week seven times so that's all like in my brain what's what's fucked up about doing a podcast is like you there's only a set amount of topics and you just have to believe like i got the take that nobody's had on me yeah i have the thought that nobody's talked about you like it's such a pompous that's That's why I like to see more, on the comedy podcast stuff, more focused ones. Some of them are my favorites. One of my favorites is Are You Garbage?

Because their theme is just like, we're going to bring somebody on, we're going to ask them questions, all while talking, and find out if they're garbage. There's probably another show like that that does it, but they did it so well. you guys listen to it are you garbage with uh h foley and uh kevin ryan kippy kevin ryan um great podcast great card game too yeah i thought so i have the card game and at

first i was like oh matt and i have nothing to talk about maybe i'll bring this out and i was like no then that would just be a podcast of us doing a podcast. Promoting a podcast, yeah. Yeah. So this show is brought to you by the Car Games. Are You Garbage? This is a $1,000 ad read. But I think, like, for the Are You Garbage thing, like, that is, when you come up with, like, a podcast kind of, like, theme, it can't just be, like, a way out of there theme.

It's got to be a theme that like the are you garbage podcast feels like it's just like well we would ask you this anyway like it's just it's just our title yeah and talk about why you're fucked up or what's shitty about your upbringing or why it's to the point where like they almost because they have a set thing of questions or like people write in yeah but they almost like forget to do those now because they're so in the routine of like when people come on they want to really talk about their story they want to share their story which is pretty cool because i even think like going to open mics there's so many times where like you hear someone do the same jokes every week you see them yeah and you almost want to be like i'd rather just hear that

guy's life story yes even so maybe that's our thing maybe we just bring someone on and just be like hey you're you've been in comedy two years we all know your routine on white broccoli is funny but

don't be funny just tell us people love hearing that I don't know I do always get that where I'm like I personally love that

yeah but then it's hard finding the funny in you just talking about your life so that's what I think I guess we're open micers

for a reason none of us are funny yeah so to bring give somebody a platform be like i think you're not funny yeah but what happened when you were 14 and then they'd be like hey you got an hour to spare like it's just yeah but i don't know i think that's what most of being around open micers which we are yeah we always say that because we are at the fullest extent open mic we are about as open mic as you can mic but you know like that that wasn't funny no and that's what we do on stage and we're both looking at the recording device right now as we talk to it so come come see me live doing four and a half minutes at an open mic in a brewery that i had to email to get onto so yeah that brings to our point uh let's do plugs

hey whenever we release this where are you gonna be matt well hopefully somebody will send me a dm on instagram booking media and we'll go from there that's that's the thing i you know very honestly i'm sorry to open another claw on the potty boy open it close there so we can get the good quality there we go oh it would even spike the wind into the red stop asian hate and all the things i know about recording if it goes into the red that means it's really good so you want to keep it at that and i've been red baby um sorry it's magic but uh that's what's weird is like navigating being booked more as an open mic comic and still being an open micer, uh,

it's a weird, it's a weird territory to like lingering. Cause I'm obviously a hundred percent still an open micer, but like starting to get booked more and more and then seeing other open micers who are like, are not getting booked on stuff and they don't just cause they don't know people or whatever the deal is. It's a very weird thing to like, yeah you know well it gets it's incestual in a weird way. We're like it's open micers asking other open micers for

Advice on how to get better and we're both doing yeah But then it's like you also wouldn't want to pull aside like a more seasoned comic and be like how do I get better? At being an open mic like how do I get better at getting booked so it is a weird like middle ground right yeah and it is and like i think i think it's a good thing like when i first started i would ask like like you had been doing comedy like a year two years longer than i had when i first started so i mean i looked you know you gave me a lot of advice season vet i had and i had six and a half minutes of material I now have three I just took it and skyrocketed past you I've been doing your material I've just been doing it all year

I had a kid for an extra three minutes of material so I did I hosted for Todd Barry at Souljoles Comedy Club in Roarsford, New Jersey it's in Roarsford, Pennsylvania I hosted for Todd Barry at Souljules Comedy Club in New Jersey. He dropped something there. It's in Roysford, Pennsylvania.

I said New Jersey, but I hosted for Todd Barry there. And the girl who was featuring, not that I'm married, she's a girl, was like a headliner herself. Like she was just kind of like, oh, he like brought me. She wasn't good enough for Matt to remember her name though. Her name is Liz Mealy. Oh, okay.

Liz, shout out. Thank you. I DM'd you and you didn't seem like you remembered me but that's okay no problem um i basically spent like 10 minutes talking to her and i was like like how do you how'd you do in the pandemic how'd everything go how did you adjust like what happened when you first like i didn't ask like you know when i first started you might comedy not just like in general like yeah i was like once you eat period what was that what's your favorite breakfast yeah do you eat cereal what kind of oat milk but so like it's kind of funny like talking to like i mean i would ask like cody right shout out cody right i you know i would

talk to cody and i'd be like how'd you start getting on like local shows how'd you start getting like up earlier at mike's and then you talk to like a feature after you've been doing stand-up for like two two and a half years three years and you're like you know when do i go to new york how often should i be doing nice in new york is like do i go to this show like agents and stuff like it's very like funny to see like the progression of like you're still bothering people yeah but you're asking different more evolved questions i guess yeah and i think it's so i always avoid it too much like when i do get that time in front of somebody who's a more accomplished comedian or something like that, I always like shy away.

I'm like, they don't want to talk about this. Like, it's just like how when I'm done work for the day, I don't want to talk about work. Right. So I think somebody that's been around, and their answer is usually always the same thing where it's like, get as funny as you possibly can wherever you are and then leave. Like that's what I've heard a couple of places. Yeah, I've heard the same thing where it's like get as funny as you possibly can wherever you are and then leave yeah like that's what i've heard a couple places yeah i've heard the same thing yeah now you might be planted down like i own a house here so like i'm here like i'm not going anywhere else yeah but i think also sometimes that curbs in how aggressive i am about getting on to stuff

or traveling or anything but yeah so i think i going back to it i always like shy away from if i do get time in front of somebody like that i'm like i just want them to think i'm cool and like a fun hang and then maybe they'll hear that i'm funny right because i think that's how i look at it like i'd rather just if not that it's like, oh, but it's like I've been in comedy for four, maybe even almost five years. And it's like, I think I'd rather just hang out with someone who's brand new. I'd rather just hang out with someone who's cool and fun to hang out with, not you. Yeah. Than, like, somebody that's, like, I don't know, I'm wording that really weird.

No, I think you're exactly right. Be a good hang is how I just kind of sum it up. I think you're very good at a hang. I'm way better at hanging out than I am at comedy. Well, I mean, they're mostly the same thing. I'm not a great hang because I don't... That's what's weird about stand-up is 50% of the job... Not the job.

50% of doing stand-up... Of the hobby. Of the old hob is doing stand-up of the hobby of the hob of the old hob is doing stand-up getting on stage writing jokes da da da

and the other 50% is like making friends with comedians at least that's my oh yeah I've had the same friends for like 15 years so I'm not like

going out and making new friends right so like even you and I being friends is like a monumental it's probably the only time you and I have hung out outside of going a micro show though yeah i was thinking about that like

recently that i've known you and talked to you more than like most of my friends but like in the past two three years two years i guess but we've only hung out like two three times outside of being at a micro show yeah so but we're at the level of friendship where we like oh we'll meet here get a beer and then we don't do it but that's something yeah we discuss it we just make it up and then we plan a podcast and then we eventually record it and then it just sits on this ipad for that's right and probably four years yeah and that's probably for the better but um that's like my thing is i don't like you know going on stage and like i said doing stand-up and doing time and all that stuff and, like, meeting the booker and meeting the guy running the show. That's one thing.

And then, like, the other 50%, which they always say, like, stay after the mic, talk to the comics, meet somebody. Yeah. It feels like a job. And it's not, but it kind of is. Yeah. I mean, there's certain, like, certain job aspects you can apply to it like if you network just the same way you would in a job setting like I'm in sales for my job if I put in the same amount of network into comedy and continue to try to get funnier it would make it

would make a career out of it yeah but it's like then it also gets to where I'm like like now having a kid being married having a house it's like it's tough for me to go out like one night a week let alone hit multiple mics of course and then shows like so it's i need to find out like i've over the pandemic just found like a niche of like getting in and doing like virtual podcasts with random people so like pat ge George who I introduced you to yeah he does a Monday Wednesday Friday he just turns it well it's not on Instagram live anymore but it's on YouTube live now he just turns the camera on and just talks and he originally started doing it to just he just wanted to get better at speaking for an hour and he's like so I figure if I sit down and

force myself to do it maybe two two people listen, maybe nobody did. But I got a little bit better at talking for an hour. Then it turned into like he would just start interacting with like the comments on Instagram Live. And then he would start to like you could call him whenever you want. He would just allow people to turn on Instagram Live and you could just talk about whatever. So I started trying to lean into more of that. And, you know, take advantage of like, all right, maybe I can't go out to the mic as much, I can't go out to a show as much, but I can still be

in the realm and that's also why I started here's my only plug, you can check out Hacks on Baby Mermaids Production on YouTube or Hacks Comedy Golf on Instagram, I mostly started that, that started right

as like the lockdown they were like hey there's no shows no mics nothing we're all gonna do Zoom comedy and I was like

I did one Zoom show and it was for a sober bar and it was awesome that they like put it on it was a really cool premise they got a great crowd but I was just like this isn't the comedy

I like doing so that's when i was like how can i mix two things i love of like i love comedy i love golfing i was like fuck it we'll try it and then it just turned into a way it goes back to just a way to hang out with comedians we just happen to film it i would do the same thing i mean there's been a couple comics i've golfed with outside of filming it yeah there's just because it's fun right but then it was also like at the time everyone's trying to find some reason or some way to put out content yeah and i was like well i can do two birds with one stone like i want to leave the house and i you have to pick either it's for comedy or it's for golf yeah

so fuck it i'll do both but yeah i don't know it got got interesting. But now that, I mean, stuff's opening up again, you and I are part of the 30-man team that runs High Note Humor at Taproom, which by the time this comes out, who knows? Maybe we drop this episode in August and we've already been back for three months. We might do it tonight. Who's to say? But the world's opening up.

Mics are opening up. And from what everyone's saying, it seems like I'm doing, show, show next Saturday. Yeah. And from what everyone's saying, it seems like people really are happy to just be out. Oh, man. And are taking comedy in way better than before the pandemic, where, like, I mean, you've seen it before. So you and I have been on a show where it's just a bar.

No one's turned around to look at you so you literally just have to do crowd work to them yeah where now it seems like people want to be entertained they want to just be out and yeah yeah that's a definite that's for sure i mean the shows that i've done it feels like people are like oh finally i'm not like fucking sitting next to this moron and on my couch. Now I'm with this moron. Now I'm with this moron and he's yelling at me

from a stage. It's like, I think that's a real thing. I think during the pandemic, so many people were forced to be alone with themselves.

And I'm like, I don't fucking like this guy at all. And then now they're out and it's like, I think comedy's gonna boom like i think it's gonna go crazy yeah well and i also think like it's everyone's been like told what to do for the last year yeah they've been silenced on a lot of shit a lot of people that

like i mean i know myself like i'm not someone that i want to voice my personal opinions online but i'd love to go up on a stage and make fun of how dumb my thoughts on something are yeah and the fact that now like I think it's going to start to we're going from like it was like a super pc setting where like everybody's getting canceled for things they're saying yeah I think this is going to be the opposite where it's like everyone's been shut in you're going to kind of be able to test the waters and say not like vulgar or like offensive stuff but like hopefully push the limit of like i don't know i sat with this thought for a year yeah now i'm gonna go on a stage and say and no one's gonna be like get that guy fired from his job exactly just trying something yeah

and i think like from my from doing mics and doing shows like the thing that i've been happy to welcome back because i've only been saying for like two and a half years uh like when i first started i have this there's a similarity now where you can introduce a word that's like vulgar if you're explaining it in the story where somebody else said it and you're addressing that it was like the wrong thing to say so if like you're like somebody said retarded or something like you're addressing like somebody said it and it was in a weird setting and then it like was funny as opposed to being like for a while like while i was doing stand-up like you couldn't say that you couldn't say like an f word or those that kind of stuff this is where we ended out where you just

start screaming i just start screaming f but no but that-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A- way like matt was saying yeah have a reason behind saying yes there's got to be reasoning that is not filled like also don't uh assume that if you do put reasoning behind it it's going to be accepted yeah it'll probably still bomb it's gonna bomb but it's a if it's funny it's like i'll tell you it's funny but like it's also if you're if it's not something so people force stuff just to be like oh this word is a no-no word i gotta got to get it in my set. But if you're not a person that, sounds weird, that uses that word in everyday speech. Like, I don't know. We're treading into muddy waters here of words you can't use. But it's like, I even do that with not vulgar words.

Like, I was in a roast battle two weeks ago. And I used the word unremarkable. And it's something i've never used it might not even be a word yeah and it's something i've never used in just speaking so it threw me off and then i just tanked the rest of the joke because of that one word so it's like don't say a word just because you think it's gonna be funny make sure it's something that like i don't know i say idiot a lot in everyday speech so i could put it i could put idiot into all the things i yeah do i don't know no i think that's so like i the evo not evolution it sounds

so annoying to say anything about evolution of an open mic but like the thing that i focused on as i've been moving along and stand up is like the first year or so you're just like i'll say anything that'll make anybody laugh yeah because i just need you to laugh and then once you like like i think when you get past the year point you're like i'm in this like i'm just this is what i do now yeah i'd like doing it whatever i personally i've been more focusing on like what sounds like honest like what sounds like something i'd say what sounds like something i would try to be funny about yeah and like navigating that transition between like i'll say anything to make you laugh i'll do anything to make you laugh to now being like well now that i'm like

getting booked on shows and i'm like moving along in comedy like how do i say something that i mean which is so funny to like learn yeah how to say something that you mean on stage. Because we can say it here. It's easy. We're just talking. We're friends. Like, whatever. But, like, when you go on stage, it's so weird to be like, well, I think masks were necessary.

But I think it's dumb that you do that. Like, it's just, like, succinct stuff. You've got to learn where to find the funny, too. Right. Because whatever is – that's one of the things I love. Like, I've recorded – audio recorded most of my open mic sets for the whole time I've been doing stand-up I've only listened to like a handful of them but it's the only time I ever listen back is when I tell a joke and it gets a laugh somewhere I wasn't expecting

yeah and then that's like my reminder like oh right what I think is funny isn't going to be what a general like a crowd of you know the ideal crowd where it's not doing jokes to a bunch of micers yeah which is fine but doing jokes to comedians it's it you know eventually just becomes repeating the same words of the same people right but like you'll do it to a crowd you're like why did it get a laugh there and then understanding that like finding the funny across the board because it can be finding the funny across the board because it can be finding the funny in a room in Philadelphia is way different than what gets a laugh in rural South Jersey or out in Rogersford yeah and

vice-versa so it's like understanding and then finding a way to be funny in both of those settings yeah like don't just be funny at the open mic that's down the street from your house because you referenced a street that it's on and you referenced a local thing. Or someone that's there. Have fun with it, but it's like you need to find a way to be funny in every setting. Right. Like, I should be able to drop you in, and this isn't even a derogatory thing, an urban room is what it's called within comedy. Say it's a mostly black crowd. You obviously aren't a black guy. black guy yeah you got to find a way to be funny in that setting and

you have to be honest like you have to be like that's what i've learned like that's why i've leaned into crowd work is like it's me being honest it's me being like truthful about what's happening in front of me so that's why people relate to it the most because you can tell when you talk to someone it's like you talk to a sales guy and they're like it's great it's proud to ever see and you know you know they're lying to you so it's harder to like get comfortable with them but if you just like meet a guy who's like this is what it is you know this that like you kind of like I get like he's being he's being truthful I kind of can rest him I relate to that so like finding that

middle ground where like now go into crowd work all the good guy in the audience and I'm like you look fucking dumb and like everybody knows that guy looks dumb like so we all can laugh and agree in it so it's finding a way to like meld that into material yeah it's reps too yeah it's you do enough crowd work and then that's one of the things that i admire like you really focus a lot on getting better at crowd work, but then weaving your jokes into that. So if you do enough of it and you're getting enough repetition like you are, where you're hitting a good amount of open mics,

you're doing a good amount of shows, hosting, featuring, whatever it is, and it becomes like a muscle where you're like, all right, I did crowd work. This guy referenced working at this. I have a joke that's kind of like that. Right, exactly. Tying it back in.

So not just doing crowd work for the sake of doing it. So that's a little bit inside baseball to anyone that's not a comedian. Yeah. Is anytime you see somebody doing in the moment crowd work, and they're very, very good at it, most of that is improv in how they get to the situation but it's a very canned bit where it's a very it's they yeah they have something you have to write enough where you have something about a guy who had who he's there with his daughter yeah and you just have a bit

about that so that's like big jokers and it's one of my favorite comedians he's one of the best crowd work people ever and most of his stuff like in the moment. You're like man. I can't believe he thought of 20 minutes Just about that guy. Yeah, that guy could have been somebody else and he still would have had 20 minutes of material I just watched him not in that zombie movie Yeah, we can we have after after you say this, we can, I want to touch on that for the last 10 minutes. It's hilarious.

Oh my God, we do 49 work? We're good at podcasting. We're cheap and we have the free version of whatever we're recording on here. So we have 10 minutes left. But what were you saying?

I'm going to piss hard and hold it in. Chris D'Elia did a set, he hosted at Gotham and he did crowd work. Like, it's a whole, it's a 10 minute set on YouTube. It's got like 2 million views and he did crowd work like it was a whole it's a 10 minute set on YouTube

it's got like 2 million views and he did crowd work but like as somebody who doesn't like we're not psychos you know

we're psychos about comedians or comedy whatever like somebody who's not a psycho about it would watch and go I can't believe

I thought about that on the spot he's in this whole long articulate bit about guy in the crowd he's handsome what if he's too handsome boy's got a handsome name and then he talks about the mom giving birth to a handsome guy and she's like

what do we call him and the dad goes over the name like you when you watch you i can't believe thought of that but like as a comedian you're like it's a formula yeah he's yeah he's got it you know but it's just it's like you said like you just take scenarios you've been in and then you just kind of like meld it into whatever scenario you are in right now. Yeah, and get comfortable enough. That's what I've noticed with you doing crowd work from when I first saw you. It was almost like I watched you hit a switch one night when you were at High Note, and you were like, I'm a crowd work guy now. Yeah.

And then you went out and ate shit doing it. But you leaned in. You did an entire five minutes at an open mic which doesn't seem long but to talk to a crowd of whoever it's not giving anything back i watched you do that to now like probably a year later where like you can like last night we were at an open mic and you just asked the guy his name he was giving you nothing and you somehow made that funny by continually going back to him and saying you got anything for me yet? Yeah. And that's something you could do anywhere. Right.

And the funny thing is, there's really nothing behind that. It's literally just, but you're so comfortable and funny, but you kept going back to it. This is the segment where I just suck Matt's dick. Yeah, I appreciate it. It's about time. It's about time. But no, so back to the Tignitar. So the Army of the Dead, is that what it's called?

It's a zombie movie. Great concept. I did hear about this talked about on a lot of podcasts. So it's a heist movie and a zombie movie. That's pretty cool to mesh those two together. It's done by Zack Snyder who makes movies that are way too long. Is it Zack Snyder? Yeah.

So he did it. And once you see it, like if you've ever seen any of his movies it has all the same elements yeah but they shot i think the whole movie with chris delia all the scenes and everything shot yeah then everything happened with him where we won't even dive into that too much he got accused of things allegedly whatever they had to then cut him out so then they got tig notaro female comedian comedian who Tig Notaro is pretty funny I mean some people like her some don't I enjoy her comedy um but what they did was they essentially shot just her and then green screened it into every part that Chris D'Elia was supposed to be in yeah yeah yeah and it's so funny like it even made plot holes where they didn't change the dialogue between her

and the other characters like they'd be like oh that's our helicopter guy yeah and then it cuts to her it kind of works she's got a short haircut and she was like yep i'm the helicopter guy yeah but then there was somewhere it just didn't work like they would be talking and it would be a group of five people and then it cuts to her and it's just her on the screen nobody else i mean it's pretty impressive i like pointing it out because if anybody does watch the movie or if you go back and watch it yeah now watch it knowing that and it's hilarious because that's all you're looking for the whole time like what do they do in the end when do they superimpose it and they use her for great comedic relief but it's like

so many times where you tell they were just like all right right here we're entering this room it's very serious we need someone to make somebody laugh and it just cuts to her clearly in front of a green screen she's like these zombies are really killing it or something like yeah dumb and you're like i love it it's just so dumb but i thought i just thought it was hilarious to replace a comic that got accused of like sexual misconduct whatever you want to call it yeah with his polar opposite i mean the comedian yeah tina taro is a known female lesbian yeah like i feel like they just were like all right we can't just get another like we already established

we want this to be a funny role yeah now we have to also yeah which would have been amazing though it would be great but yeah to flip that who would be your polar opposite to cast you in a movie to cast me is that too i should have let in i should have gave me that if i was cast in a movie and i got canceled for having sex with younger girls allegedly which nobody knows yet but i oh god what's funny is the person i probably play you the best is chris dillia probably chris from the pants to the jeans to the snakes the same dude i mean but if somebody else that gets i mean who would you want cast as you whenever they come up with ufo shit whoever the first ufo, I want that guy to fucking replace me. Or girl.

UFO as in alien? Yeah, whatever alien it is, I want him to replace me. Oh, okay. You know there's a difference. A UFO means unidentified flying object. Oh, no, I want the saucer. I want the saucer to play me. I want a weird spacecraft to play me.

No, it would have to be a really... I don't know. Maybe like a powerful Indian guy. Just total opposite of it. There's a guy who works at the... The Send Bob's Nail guy? 7-Eleven on Haddon Avenue that I think would be incredible. Yeah.

For me. I don't know. I gotta piss hard. What time we at? All right. We'll wrap it up then. We did so good, dude. We did so good.

That's the name of the podcast. We did so good. I think our name of the podcast is The Garage Pod. Yeah, or we keep brainstorming. Or maybe not. Or it's just, you know. Maybe we'll just put it out and be like, people name this. I don't know.

Anyway, this is episode one. If you want to tune in, there might be an episode two. There might not. There will be. I'm going to keep vamping until Matt pisses his ripped jeans. I'm going to piss like a young lady. uh tune in wherever we put this nothing to promote just go to see comedy