That Rules Podcast - Episode #10: Pay What You Weigh Cookie Muncher

Episode Date: August 3, 2021

Episode 10, the audio is good and the boys are great. Use promo code IDIOT at www.shamrocksun.com for 10% off

🎵 Here we are, folks, back again with the tenth and final episode of the Handsome Idiots podcast. We hit the decade mark. We've been doing it for ten years, one episode a year since I was 14, 15 years old. John scouted me. It just so happened that the topics all went in a good sequential order. And they all flowed well. But they were actually 10 years apart. I'm surprised you guys didn't know that.

We did a lot. We predicted COVID. We predicted the rise and fall of Louis C.K. And that's the type of guys you're dealing with. But to get more details on the guys you're dealing with, I am here with the one, the only, my co-host with the most, the father without a bother, the man with a pair of hands, Johnny Matzabal, folks.

Johnny Montag. Pair of hands. That doesn't mean necessarily that they're mine. I just have a pair of hands, Johnny Matzabal, folks. Johnny Montag. Pair of hands. That doesn't mean necessarily that they're mine. I just have a pair of hands. He has. Somewhere on my person. And that's not for you to know. It's us for to enjoy words.

Before I came over here, I was just listening to a podcast that talks about serial killers. It's actually a comic book. Little Stinkers. Shout out to Little Stinkers. There's a serial killer podcast called The Little stinkers it's philly comics it's uh mike rainey who's from debmy and john del calo and jake matera actually too that's a trio so they but they were talking about uh jeffrey dahmer and i started listening because my wife's maiden name is dahmer so i wanted to get the like the full story on him and uh one of the things you said pair of hands that made me think

of it they found like all these when they finally like raided his apartment full of body parts and everything yeah it was like he had a pair of hands like a pair of feet two separate penises yeah i said separate like it was good i don't like that but i thought the pair of hands thing i wonder if it was like a different if it was a pair of hands or if they were like, well, it was the left of a very tall man and the right of a smaller guy. Like they didn't match. How does the song about him go? Like two turtle doves, pair of cold hands in my refrigerator. I've never heard that one.

That's the two turtle doves. Was this just in the people's household? You really killed the bit, baby. This is just how you guys celebrate Christmas? Not a good bit, but it was worth a song. Anyway, as you were saying about Jay Diesel. My family didn't really focus on... We're good. This damn disc is spinning too low.

I think that's what happens when you're recording on an old laptop. But back to Jeffrey Dahmer. Back to Jay Diesel. I remember when my friend who studied criminal law, or I guess just crime in college. Studied crime in college. It sounds like you committed crimes. He's a cop now, we'll say.

I remember he said that one of the cases he had to study was dahmer and it was like they found the body parts of 12 different men but they only found two penises which means he ate the other penises wow what do you i mean let's be honest what's the consistency of a penis if you're munching one of those fellas down what do you think that i'm telling you to put a thing closer john as we're talking about penises john goes hold that mic closer i don't know because would it like the what is a is it a muscle that's in there is it i don't know because you can break it you can't though you can't technically break it they always say like you break your penis you have to have a bone in there to break something a boner yeah boner which ironically enough the your penis is like the only part of your body

other than your ears it doesn't have a bone in it. But you're really getting a cartilager. Carter. We're getting an Aaron Carter. And I want it that way. Babe, I got a big old Carter. Why don't you get over here real quick? You got a fat Carter from the 2002 era all with your name on it.

Who's your favorite Carter? Aaron Carter or the other fella? Ah, Carter Hart, the Flyers goalie. Oh, Carter Hart. I'm going to go with Cotter Hart as my favorite. My least favorite Carter, and I'm saying this wearing a Phillies jersey of my favorite player of all time, Darren Dalton. My least favorite Carter is Joe Carter.

Ooh. The guy who beat the Phillies in the 93 World Series and hit a home run in the final game. And he can go ahead and right on fuck himself. He can fuck himself. If he's still alive and he's awake and he's listening to this, or if his kids. If this gets to his kids, I'm putting down the gauntlet right now. I will fight Joe Carter's kids in the streets today. And you got to imagine somebody like that has named their son Joe too.

So we're looking at a Joe Jr. Joe Jr., if you're listening, dude, we're fucking looking for you. Yeah, your dad made me cry in 1993 and I've never forgotten that. And then after that is when we started this podcast. Yeah, the next day. But Carter is not a good – I don't think I know any good Carters. never forgotten that and then after that is when we started this podcast yeah the next day so but uh carter is not a good car i don't think i know any good carters when i was actually in the fourth grade at summer camp at the local ymca uh i got in a fight with a kid named carter

we got enough of it was more of a verbal altercation over he had a dragonite pokemon card and i had like one of these like silver Pikachu ones and we're haggling back and forth and the market it was in high demand so there was a lot of tension a lot of friction. Right.

It resulted in Carter slapping me in a very acne ridden left cheek. What a Carter move to slap. Right? No punch.

I'm telling you it was an open hand slap. I mean I imagine you know he's reenacting some of the stuff he's seeing at home. Yeah like a Derek would have punched you. Like a guy with a solid now i say this i will say uh

my one friend who confirmed that listens to this son's name is carter sounds like a great kid he and i will say he is the coolest little kid so okay aside from that carter all other carters can you know listen it's the exception to the rule but the rule is still the rule carter's not great they They slap. They slap. They literally slap. So you never said that counts as a fight that you lost. I don't know. You were talking about lost fights.

I don't like to talk about fights where I ended up crying and going to my mom who worked at the place that I went to the summer camp. Is there any other kind of fight? I think I've cried in every fight I've ever... That's a good point. That's actually a phenomenal point. Have you been at... When's the last time you had a good cry? Dude, you know what I like to do?

Like not like a lost a family member cry like those are oh dude i'd probably do a self-induced cry maybe you know once every three weeks yeah where you just you know you got to do dude this is what people don't realize i don't think we've talked about this on here crying we probably have i think we have you gotta hit up the youtube and And here is the perfect three-way to get those water wells working. You go soldiers coming home compilation. Oh, yeah. Now, will you go soldiers coming home to their kids or to their pets? There's two different sets of tiers in that one.

Because I don't have kids or pets, it hits home more when they get parents. You were like, when they come home to the girl they were fucking before they're somehow now pregnant wife but uh so you go parents i go i like it when they come home to the parents and then i'll transition immediately into uh uh greatest acting of the 20th century this is a big one for me so i'm talking about liar liar i put i hold myself in contempt what's another good one? You can't handle the truth. The goddamn pen is blue. That's another good line from liar, liar.

That's really good shit. Real heel blue. But that's my, I think a good self-induced cry is good for a young man. Now, going back to with the troops coming home from war. Yeah. I always love, too, there's no specification. I like to think that some of them were just stationed in like canada yeah they're just covered in maple syrup a little bit they just have like a tax paid vacation basically what's been your favorite one that

you've seen because it's i like i like the ones where they somehow surprise them like it'll be a minor league baseball game yeah and the kid gets it throughout the first pitch and it turns out the catcher that's catching it is the dad. That does it for me. That one, I've seen that a few times, and that'll hit on the father-son tier. That'll hit on the baseball, like my nostalgia for baseball. Also, I was a catcher, and I know putting that gear on sometimes just gets you.

Dude, it gets all of us when you put that gear on, which you don't. Why are you wearing it right now, John? I don't know. I didn't really understand it when you walked in. But enough, the guy I said whose name is carter he wore my catcher's gear at my wedding you are wearing a baseball jersey i am i do look like i could have just got back yeah i like i like uh you know what get this is the ones that get me the most they get me real rock they get me right you know right almost said rock hard twice in a row right in the tear

boner right in the tear corner. There we go. We're firing up cylinders. If you can't keep up, put it in your butt. Don't know what that means. The things that get me is I love it when they go and they surprise their moms at work. Because I go, one, she's a working mom. Love a working mom. Yeah.

I had a working mom. Two, I like interrupting people when they're busy with good news. Some of my favorite stuff to do. Like, it'd be crazy. She's, like, in the middle of an Excel sheet. She's like, oh, it's good to see you, but give me, like, ten minutes. Denise, you can get back to those expense reports. I'm back from Afghanistan.

I'm actually budgeting his dumbass fucking tuition I had to pay right now. There has to be flubbed ones that you never, like, there has to be blooper where like i would not that i would love to see this but troop comes home from war yeah to surprise the wife and then his best friend just walks out of the house after just fucking wow because he's like in a pair of boxers like oh uh what's up like there's there's got to be flubbed ones like that or like i don't know we will look that up afterwards i just like there are ones it's just kind of the benny hill music that ran around very quickly on taliban.edu but we uh i don't know i like them all i think those are pretty good what about you when's the last time you had a nice a nice dad cry you probably i had well my first cry as a dad was immediate like when our daughter was born we didn't know if she was a boy or a girl yeah which

we still don't know we're letting her decide when she can talk um we what we'll do is we put like a uh a boy item i don't know what that meant like okay trying to think of we'll put like a blue like a truck hat on the floor and a pink one on the floor and we'll let her crawl to which one she wants to be right right right that's what we're gonna let her say beautiful anyway terrible jokes aside yeah uh as she was birthed into this world glorious moment the nurse goes dad what is it and like i looked and for a second i was like don't fuck this up like you know what a wiener looks like and you know what a who looks like gender till you had your kid right we didn't know boy or girl going in um we called it referred to her as pickle for nine months which was pretty fun it was cute uh it was cute we decided on it because one one day we were like in the kitchen

like what are we calling that we can't keep calling it it and at that time both of us were like elbow deep in a jar of pickles just chowing down that's pretty sick so we started yeah so uh they were like dad what is it and like i looked and i was like don't screw this up all right that's not a wiener and i was like it's a girl and just the waterworks just came so that was like a glorious moment i haven't had a well let me ask you this real quick since you said it would you you know obviously it's hard to tell if it was a boy you think you would have cried as hard i think i would have regardless yeah it was also just like that in that moment that's like I'm saying this as the guy didn't have to push a human out of them but like it is

like a long from when we got there like late at night she was born in the morning so it's like it's long your emotions are up and down yeah laughs like we were like holding court and they were cracking up for like two hours of you and Trish like yeah we have like nurses coming in and out and they're like we don't want to leave you guys are so fun and then all of a sudden like one nurse came in she's like hey like you really got to get this baby out of you like so quit the joke in like let's get out of there I got a hot five on on hospital Cindy the nurse so yeah I think it's just it's such like it's a it's a cry where it's like

you're just so like torn every direction emotionally for 12 hours straight like you're what i had to watch my wife like just go through the most pain she's ever been in and like there's literally nothing i can do yeah except just be like you got it you're doing so come on champ which massive afterwards she was like you literally coached me through this thing and i was just repeating shit that i heard like in sports i was like you gotta want it you gotta go long you gotta dig it you gotta dig deep we got ice for that like they used to say that in baseball when you got hit by a pitch did you give her orange peels when you guys were she came in i slapped her on the butt that's how the baby came out you had to turn her over in the hospital bed

and give her one yeah but yes that was probably the last like good cry i'll say i'm trying to think if i've had so i will say like my my dad passed just after my daughter was born so i have had a few moments like and since then that's around i'm professional man myself and that'd be weird if it was him texting me from beyond the grave i have had a few oh it was another dad it was rob cody shout out to our newest listener Rob Cody he just listened to episode 1 oh good man so I have had moments that's where it gets me

somebody told me when my dad passed they were like he'll start to see cardinals more often and I was like what do you mean they said

you're going to notice it it's probably you've never they've probably always been there but you never really looked out for it but they say that I don't know if it's like

I don't think it's a biblical thing but it's like they say cardinals represent those of you have lost like looking over you or something like that yeah like something that's probably on a bad tattoo somewhere yeah like a cardinal carrying not gonna lie i've looked into getting a cardinal tattoo and then talk myself out of it but i noticed those more often and it's always like i'm out on a run and i'm like it so i'll be running i'm dead tired i'm soaked in sweat and fighting back crying like where i'm like dude sweaty crying but it always comes it always happens at a funny moment where i'll like see a cardinal and then i'll just see a guy smoking a blunt over at the river in his car just blow a huge cloud of smoke out and i'm like you know what that was a moment where like if it is

aside from my dad he's laughing at that thing too they're puffing one out for those who've fallen exactly he's ashing it for me they'll pour him on out see a guy just at the river pouring henny into the river and roll down the street i always thought the the like a loved one that passed away because i have had i've had i haven't had a ton i lost a great grandmother back in 2001 that i want that actually happened uh i was at a graduation party someone was like oh they lost their great grandma i'm like can you even be sad i mean you can i mean but if you unless your great grandma unless your grandma had your parents at like 12 and your great grandma's only like 70 like a great grandma's got to be pushing 95 i just

remember the only things i really remember is we would she lived with my grandmom and i was just like this is a lot of age in one place i was like five yeah and it kind of it was smelled old great folks love the grandmom great-grandmom seemed like a winner kind of had the alzheimer's at that point yeah so i was like what's up with the alls yeah it's pretty tough to explain to a five-year-old like did you think when you were little it was called old timers because i didn't know until about six years ago it's not called old there's there's adults walking this earth that will come up and tell you that one of their relatives has old timers yeah well they're also just morons yeah they're also walking around in cookie muncher uh pajama pants at walmart here's i know that you

don't have kids because you unless it's an off brand it, it's Cookie Monster. Who's Cookie Muncher? Cookie Muncher is a place at Rowan University. Cookie Muncher is just the non-sanctioned version of Cookie Monster. Yeah, it's like RC Cola. You get it at a flea market. No, dude. Cookie Muncher is at Rowan University. Big shout-out.

If you want to talk about if we can get a sponsor, if we get sunscreen and cookies, we've got 90% of my interest covered. They are a small business started by two Rowans. You've got 90 of my interest covered they are a small business you gotta respect the place that just sells cookies dude that's literally just big fat cookies and then like boxed milk oh that sounded gross a little bit but you got carton of milk carton of milk with missing kids on the back but those cookies those fucking cookies who cares dude that cough brought up some phlegm oh boy well that laugh um the delta bear are they a late night cookie spot too dude that place after 1 a.m walking

home from landmark university where landmark former employee one of the an alumni of landmark university pretty pretty they called me the toughest bouncer to ever work there. A lot of people referred to you as the thickest bitch in the club. Yeah, they were like, oh, if you ever want

to break a rule, just do it in front of that pussy out there on the patio. The guy shivering on the patio because no, we're not going

to even miss a space here. He's over there fake smoking a menthol to talk to girls. No, I'm going to save it for later. He's actually fake smoking a menthol right now.

That's why he keeps fucking coughing. I should have sold cigarettes. That would have been a nice side hustle, but back to cookies. Back for later. He's actually fake smoking a menthol right now. That's why he keeps fucking coughing. That's what's happening. I should have sold cigarettes. That would have been a nice side hustle. But back to cookies. Back to cookies. These cookies were incredible. They were the size of your face.

I'd love to see you're like testing it. You're there. You're like, excuse me, clearly not the size of my face. Could you hold this up to my enormous forehead? It's where they do those things where it's like pay what you weigh. Did you ever hear that? No, what is that? I think it's just a joke of like oh it's a buffet pay what

you weigh like they weigh you you pay two dollars or whatever it'll be 200 pounds yeah but it's the this is like you you get the cookie that's the size of your face so you just always have that one friend that's got an enormous face you're like hey dale you want to go grab some cookies oh almost made an off-color joke folks but we'll keep that one at home as we were saying that's a new derogatory term there's a couple cookie faces Jesus Lord

I got mugged by a cookie face cookie faces and moving into the neighborhood that's on you to fill in the blank as to what race we're talking about and you're the one who's racist because we're talking about straight white guys we just is dying That's on you to fill in the blank as to what race we're talking about. And you're the one who's racist because we're talking about straight white guys. We just – it's Dying Live Podcast with the Delta Vare. You talk about the pay what you weigh.

It's kind of a funny thing. I was like 19 and I had my girlfriend at the time and I was taking on a date to the Philly Art Museum. And on Wednesdays, I think it is, it's like a pay what you want type thing. So you go to the Philly Art Museum and it's kind of like they look at it, that's a donation day. Is there an option of just negative and you steal art from the museum? Yeah, you can take your dollars for everything. You're like, I'm paying negative three million for this Picasso. That's cool with you guys. So I was like, oh, this will be perfect for me.

I'm 19. I have no money. I can take her on a nice date and we'll just go for free. So as we're waiting, like the thing, the check-in, whatever, getting the ticket, like the regular tickets are like $20. Right. There's like four or five people that you can hear in front of us like all doing their thing. And they're giving like $70, $100.

Like they're all making like big donations. Because I think they're insinuating like here's a day where you can really give back. So I watched people give $100, $70, $150, and then I go up and I was like, I'm going to go just do nothing for today. And they were just kind of like, oh. And my girlfriend was like, Jesus, Lord. You're like, well, you could pay. More than well would pay, sweetheart. I'm actually going to donate you my girlfriend.

She works here now. She's an art installation. Go stand in the corner you can have one drexel nursing degree she comes free with it i've never been to the art museum is it as good as i like it yeah i've tried to go recently too sometimes i like to try to go i've tried to go recently but we remember you getting up all those steps it's a whole process yeah how are you gonna get down i uh it's a night I like to go to places where I don't want to go. Nope.

Didn't make sense. Try it again. I like to go to places. No, I think that's fair. I like to try to force myself to go to places that I don't think I want to go to. Okay. And I get there. You want to get outside your comfort zone.

That's right. I want to get deep outside of my comfort zone. Get comfortable being uncomfortable. And that's stand-up comedy, folks. You're hearing it from two of the best that's just life that's life in general if you've never been around something be around that thing be around that meant see sniff it if you can't swim jump in a lake jump in a lake no lifeguards no friends go by yourself go to the deepest part see what the bottom feels like dude by the way just fucking swim if you can't swim just swim here's my argument too is like just fucking swim if you can't swim just swim

here's my argument too is like when people like oh i can't swim also like the pool that our members at we're doing that well yeah that the local pool you can buy a membership to that's what this uh this sunscreen money's going towards my pool membership it's the same depth the whole way so as long as you're not four foot tall yeah you're good oh wow you can and i was thinking about like we go there all the time i don't i aside from last year i bought a pair of goggles and i was like i'm gonna start swimming laps as a workout at the public pool you ever swim laps no swim two and i almost threw up and suffocated at the same time yep now i just actually i think the goggles might still be in that bag because that's the bag i bring to the pool if you need to throw them on throw them on earplugs are

in there because i'm a weirdo so you're saying you're not the next katie ledecky uh no people are saying i have just as pointy of a face yeah sure not not gonna make it to the olympics anytime soon but it's funny that we have this pool membership and basically it's a membership to go sit in the grass yeah and then stand in the pool you're not really swimming because like when you're a little kid you're jumping in and out you're diving is this thing angled more towards kids or is it for like 35 year olds no i mean it's a it's a pool so that's the other thing too is they have adult swim where they they just all the kids gotta get out of the pool just play robot chicken the whole time yeah wow robot chicken in the adult swim chicken there it is with robots robots can't go in water though yeah not that you know of um they can shoot

fucking half court shots we can talk about that dude they made robocop uh true damn it uh but they they do an adult swim which is essentially they make all the kids get out of the pool and all the adults get in and then they just continue they stand there and continue the conversations they were having out of the water yeah just now in the water so really it's just you're talking to your friends and pissing at the same time that's exactly right is all that adult swim is because like nobody it's not like they're like adult swim and then we're like yes we're gonna dive for rings yeah and i'm gonna do we're gonna guys are we doing cannibal cannibals okay there is diving boards there i haven't gone't gone off them yet. I don't know why I haven't.

I'm really slacking. But yeah, it's just funny. How many diving boards are there? There's two. How big is this guy? Actually, it's pretty big. It's right over down the block from me. I don't want to say right down.

I don't want people to come. I don't want all of our thousands of listeners to come look through the fence at me. But yeah, it's pretty big. It's, I guess the diving, there's a separate pool for diving, which a little bit smaller yeah it's like a big public pool it's not anything special okay but it's just it cracks me up that you pay all this money to literally it's just like I want to go stand in water yeah I mean that's mostly what a pool is I don't even know like we have a pool at the complex that I live in and I wanted to go in the pool but then like I don't know that I could be like a lone 25 year

old guy yeah then you're like am i a pool float guy am i just gonna go i'm gonna read a book i get too scared bringing my phone over there because of electric shock you gotta go over it like i was saying before just do all like the stereotypical kid stuff in the pool like you go over and there's like a young couple just hanging out there maybe having a drink they're in the pool but on the ledge yeah and you're just ripping cannonballs you're diving for rings you get the big uh snorkel goggles on oh i sure do and you're just throwing handfuls of nickels in there and you're like guys tie me how quick i can get them jumping in the pool and holding my nose bro i saw my dad do that when i was like seven and that's how he just jumped

into pools and i changed the trajectory of our relationship full-on i was like when he tried he tried to yell at me and i was like why don't you jump into a body water with those fucking nostrils exposed big dog it's crazy still to this day jump in a pool i haven't seen him jump in a pool now but if he was about to do it i would get in front of him and fucking lay my body out and be like not today dude i don't know you you're now just kevin that's bold isn't that crazy i remember seeing it and just being in pure shock and the thing that shocked me even more was everybody looked and they were like well he doesn't want to get water in his nose like well that kid's dad is special needs i just don't i

still it's part of the whole thing don't get water in your nose it's like just make it not be in there and then like the the thing about swimming that i don't get swimming is one of those things where you're looking at the instructions and it's like step one swim yeah that's about it right arm left arm don't drown plus if you like listen i don't want to be mean to anybody who knows somebody who died drowning but like like what are you doing like yeah if you like especially in a pool like if it's yeah ocean yeah that's if it's in the river or something like that i think if you die drowning in the ocean that's sick yeah i think oh you just you donated your body to poseidon that's all that is and you get eight by you're the guy who got ate by a shark you're i assume that you go to heaven and become a merman and you're just

crushing it i think that's in the corinthians i think that's yeah yeah it's corinthians 69 420 69 420 blaze it light it up that's the next tattoo it's going to the cardinal i'm just gonna get dude speaking of the bible i was thinking about this today dude by the way just before i go into this because this is going to be stupid speaking of the bible that's the name of our new podcast actually i think jesse dramm has a podcast where he reads the bible with comics there we go we're the rival bible rival bible oh rival podcast rival bible is a great cover band name or like a delicious gum rival bubble gum would a do you think a satanic bible could be called the rival bible because it's the rival of the real antichrist that's the antichrist rival bible it's so fun to say i don't really

rival bible bubble gum this episode is brought to you by rival hey are you sick of jesus tell him to kick rocks by two i'm gonna get this but i just wanted to address my favorite thing again big thanks to brendan donnegan coming on the podcast our last podcast audio was a little rough sorry about the audio stuff i think i figured it out now unless you're listening to us and it sounds like shit in that case no we didn't but we just want to thank big bren and i did want to think that i did think it's pretty funny that brendan basically came here sat down shot the shit for 15 minutes and then just started and never gave Brendan any context to anything that happens on the podcast so we're like 20 minutes no context well that's what he

was like 20 minutes in and he's like I don't know what the fuck you guys are talking about at this point yeah and just for context for the listener Matt and I every week right before we podcast was like anything you want to talk about and the answer answer is always like, eh. Eh, we'll see. Or if we posted give us topics and you've given us a topic, we've looked at it. We sure have looked at it. Have we forgotten to look at our phones? Yes. Now, what that really is is just a search for an ego boost to just see if people will give us answers. That's also just letting people know we still have a podcast.

That's also a big part of it. It's more of a plug thing. But we were talking about JC, Jesus Christ, and I thought about it pretty deeply today i think if jesus didn't have his powers i could easily take him well here's my my question is which version of jesus are you taking are you taking the white christian jesus or are you taking on like because sometimes you'll see like black jesus is a little more black jesus they add a little bit more muscle tone to it. Yeah, he's got like a – So like Jesus – like white Christian Jesus is shredded.

He's got a real like – I feel like he's got the body of Dennis from It's Always Sunny. I don't think he's that big. That's white Jesus body. I don't think he's that big. He's more of like a slim kind of – My cross that I looked at. My crucifix around my neck as a kid. You had a husky Jesus?

Damn, I'm going to start selling – can we start selling a husky like Jack Jesus hot like a biker we always have variation cuz it's you gotta be body positive so we have like fat Jesus cross yeah chubby Jesus we have like Jesus we have like Jesus that has like a pretty hard nine-to-five job season a time to get to the gym like maybe he doesn't push up he does here time yeah but it takes he takes care of himself but he enjoys a beer and a pizza reluctant dad jesus he's just like i'm never going to the gym i got everything i need i got a wife and a pool we keep it even more modern we have transitioning jesus jess like free just jess christ like pre-op jesus oh boy how's that never been ever been? There is one.

I've seen it before. If you just looked up, I think like Jack Jesus. Yeah. It's like ridiculous Macho Man Randy Savage type Jack Jesus. Yeah. I think he's like – I've seen it on like those bad – did you ever – I follow this thing called Facebook t-shirts. It's always like the saying where it's like you don't want to mess with me because i'm an aquarius that owns a harley yeah it's like we but i've seen him on there where it's like jesus and he's got the cross

over his shoulder or in like a back squat like yeah yeah a rack position he's got the cross they definitely have a bunch they have like ones where it's like he's in like a biker jacket and he's got an american flag bandana and it says like communism is gay or something on it like he's really that oh so we need a handsome jesus which i feel like the white christian jesus and he's good looking dude at some point when ever whoever made like that first painting or image because they say that's probably not what he looks like obviously he's not gonna look like a guy that you just bought weed off of like i mean you were in high school they made when they talked about it when when they started to really look into it and do the DNA test,

they made a really weird, they were like, very honestly, he looks closer to Saddam Hussein than anything else. And they said he would have been, right. Yeah, that's what I love. They were like, all right, guys, let's sit down. This is the first meeting of we're going to figure out what Jesus looks like. All right, now he's from the Middle East. Should we make him look like he's from Scotland? Sure sure yeah yeah we're gonna go white looks like he's just back from vacation should we make him look like tame impala what do we think yeah and i know what that is you don't know who the tame impala is maybe he's got some music songs

is he the is that who the sixes are trying to get this year? It's a music. Tame Impala. Tame Impala Lillard. There he is. John knows a lot about sports, and he knows a lot about. And pun names. Who was it? Pun names? Oh, yeah, pun names.

Punny names. Just puns. John is actively looking up Tame Impala. What were we talking about? Yeah. I know the name Tame Impala. I just don't know what he looks like. You probably heard his song.

Apparently, it's just one guy. See, that's what I don't like. I hate when it's a. Tame Impala is a cool band, and yes, he does look exactly like Jesus. Pretty Jesus-like, I'd say. That's Jesus. Yeah, that's what I don't like. I hate when it's a – like Tame Impala is a cool band and yes, he does exactly like Jesus. Pretty Jesus-like. That's Jesus. Yeah, that's Jesus. Maybe that's the resurrection.

Fair. I hate when somebody has a band name but they're an individual. Like Dashboard Confessional. Yeah. That was one dude. And then it became a band but it was just a guy. Yeah. Like just be – what's his name?

Chris Carraba. Okay. Fair. Like just be that artist. Yeah, I agree with that. Or have a name specific. Do you have any band names you would, have you ever had any bands?

You're a white kid from the suburbs. Oh, you know, I was in a band called From Such Great Heights when I was 14. Oh, From Such Great Heights. Did you steal that from? From the song From Such Great Heights by the Postal Service. We actually just covered that song 14 times on an album.

We actually didn't play a single song nor ever record so you were from such great heights the name of the band was from such great heights fg that's already funny fg oh boy fgsh from average such great uh but we yeah we had a band we didn't literally never did a single thing with it like we didn't even have instruments we had four people that agreed that if one day we ever got instruments we this we would set this world on fire so galba scott if you give us a keyboard you're done but were you you were in a band huh i was in a yeah i was in one band that actually played shows that was let it rip still to this day the name of the band was let it rip let it rip and it was like a thrashy hardcore band so i still to this day will

argue that it is a perfectly fitting name that's because it was a band like all we did was we drank a shit ton of captain morgan's yeah and we cried we would crash shows like we would just show up at like local vfw shows and if we knew one band on there we'd be like hey guys leave your gear up there and then once you're done we'll just come out put on start playing our set and they were cool with it and like if no no was cool with it. They ran the shows. But it kind of became like we were the show-crashing band. And we were terrible. We had an album called Legends.

I think we only had four songs on there. But then there was like six things in between of our drummer and another drummer. Actually, a drummer who went on to be a really good musician just made a bunch of weird on like garage band and put it like in between each song so we had a full album okay but before that i was uh the first band i was ever in my friends just getting together and we were like well before we ever write a song we're gonna need a name okay in this band i think we only all we did was cover newfound glory songs in my friend's attic and we were uh down for the count and i still think that was down for the cats a sick there was a band that ended up being out of like texas named down for the count yeah and i remember i never listened to a single one of their songs

but i always wanted their merch because i was like technically that was my band yeah it's you so yeah down for the count uh i was in let it rip and what did you play did you play guitar bass you're a bass guy so i it wasn't like, I was watching something recently. Oh, it was the Paul McCartney documentary. And they were talking about how he ended up playing bass. And they said when they were trying to figure it out. Did Paul McCartney play bass? Paul McCartney is a bass player for the Beatles.

Have you heard of the Beatles? We don't have to get into it, but I'll tell you that the Beatles are the most overrated band of all time. I think Nirvana is, but we can get into that another episode they're up there too for me i'll take that the so they were all guitarists and they were sitting around uh paul george and john and they're trying to figure out who played bass and they said like immediately uh george and paul or george and john were like i'm not doing it yeah and paul's like all right fuck i guess i'm the bass player yeah i was the opposite where i was just very bad at guitar so i was like you know what guys i think i'll take this one for the

team bass is i guess i'll play bass i'll play one string but then bass is also a thing too where you're like it's nothing and then you see somebody that's very you hear a band with a good bass player and it steals the show yeah it's a whole nother it's that's the irony is like everybody wants to be like the lead guitarist or the rhythm guitarist or the vocalist obviously but like the bands that are really good have like a sick drummer or a sick bass yeah i was just watching uh they had lollapalooza was broadcast live on uh hulu over the weekend and i didn't know that yeah i like stumbled upon it like just scrolling through hulu and i caught i guess it was the yesterday i think there was like an just scrolling through hulu and i caught i guess it was the yesterday i think there was like an hour or two delay yeah so i was catching the end of the

uh the weekend and not the weekend the singer that was actually like you were talking about the end of the festival there you go the festival is probably another band before that's what it is you name your band music festival and then you just play music festival then you have to be the headliner but i saw uh the first man when i turned on was modest mouse which i never have like i have a couple of i've never like hated them never loved them yeah dog shit live like yeah and they're one of those bands where like they they just play their instruments and that's it and like performance wise that's like jumping around they're not a jump around type band but then i have like the song lampshadesades on Fire Am I thinking of that then?

I don't know They sing that float on that I'm not going to sing it but I know yeah I think we're both So they were just stand around boring band Are they British? No I think they're like Kentucky I don't know

Oh god But I'm just totally guessing where they're from It's the worst guess of all time But we'll look it up later We're not a fact checking podcast yeah that's not what we're here to do kentucky's most popular been uh modest mouse fair i think the state bird of kentucky was a mouse a mouse and there's a mouse anyway this is going nowhere but it went from them to like uh the band band of horses which is a band i've loved for a long time

yeah they were so they were really good live but it was they were funny because like they haven't played together a lot in the past few years yeah and like the singer forgot the words to a couple of the songs wow so at one point he just but he did it so well it was a song i don't think i i don't remember i've heard it that has like nine lyrics in it yeah it's just we are band of horses these lyrics which actually funny enough let it rip had a song and the only lyrics were let it rip let it rip let it fucking rip over and over again and gang vocals and everything but uh i'm phlegmy but oh so he forgot the lyrics but he worked it into the song so well yeah that he was supposed to say a word he looked around you could see he was forgetting and he just said whatever that's killer like the tune of the song did people laugh at it and he's like i don't remember it and then afterwards he and you could

see like you had a stand there with some of the lyrics on it but i was thinking about that they you know they probably been horses i think they have like five albums maybe let's say like to remember all the words to your songs and i was as i was thinking about that what i was getting to is the last band that played was the foo fighters which all time and the foo fires when you want to talk about like a live performance where they fucking perform yeah and at one point dave growl was like we have 365 songs as a band yeah and i was just thinking i was like oh my god like to have to remember that but then i've also seen some bands say like if they're going out on tour they have

to spend a month relearning their own songs yeah that makes sense and i was thinking about the discography is that big that's what you're saying yeah five albums and you hear a lot of comics talk about that too where like they can't even remember their old material yeah like you get somebody like seinfeld is the only person that can go out re you know do a show of just his old material yeah and then sell it to netflix yeah which i actually heard this on a podcast recently do you know how much seinfeld just sold the show seinfeld to netflix for is seinfeld on netflix yeah take a guess oh god i don't even know so it was on who he's he's a genius i mean he owns all the rights to everything with his name on it i mean he had it on hulu the contract was up and he just sold to netflix

i would guess all right i don't know if you're either gonna be outlandish yeah get this i don't want to be over the top all right i would say like go over the top i'll tell you that like 150 million am i way out of 500 million dollars a half a billy that is a half a billion dollars i don't even know how like for a show that to be honest with you seinfeld's one of my favorite shows but only half of it is good yeah that's the beginning of it is like to re-watch it now it's it's rough yeah i tried to get into it in the first three episodes you can't so you can't get into seinfeld off of the first season you gotta start like season six like where it is really funny and then if you go back and of the first season. You got to start like season six. Like where it is really funny. And then if you go back and watch the first ones, you'll appreciate it.

Because you already like the characters and it makes sense. Yeah. It's crazy that like the pilot show all the time. The pilot's rough. Well, and they were talking about it on the podcast I was listening to. It was like the perfect timing. Like it was something where – it was something new. There had never really been a show about stand-up comedy, a stand-up comedian's life.

And eventually, it almost got away from, you never heard Jerry be like, I got to go do a show tonight. It never even, other than the intro. Well, they would show little bits of his stand-up in between, right? In the beginning and at the end. But other than that, they almost never talk about him being a comic. Yeah, i guess he but that's probably good on him to realize like nobody really cares at that point that much they just think it's a cool like background fact about you right you know but yeah it was something like

i think it also became super famous because it was on after cheers and wings which at the time were two of the bigger shows so like it just hit all those like perfect timing yeah it was something different it was you know you could get to know the characters like they did an amazing job of character development well they like doesn't it have no point like isn't it like it's a show about nothing that's the whole running theme right it's a show about nothing yeah that's like kind of how they did louis podcasts fucking podcasts about nonsense and really i mean that that set the table for now there's so many shows that we were just talking

when i walked in you're watching dave dave is technically a show about nothing i mean it's following the life of little dicky yeah there's episodes of just like his friend buying shoes is the whole episode yeah like it's very it is very mundane it's a lot of uh it's a little kirby i would say yeah kind of type deal but i mean yeah lar, Larry David is the creator of Seinfeld. That'll do it. Which is hilarious, too. I want to know how much of that he still gets a piece of. Who, LD?

So Larry David is the creator of Seinfeld. Yeah. And then he wrote it with, like, he created the concept of it. And then brought Seinfeld in as, like, the face of it. They say, like, Costanza is Larry David. Oh, really? Costanza's character is Larry David. And you see it when you start to watch Caribbean Enthusiasm.

You're like, oh, shit. Okay, yeah yeah there it is And I think Larry David was only in one episode of Seinfeld He plays Seinfeld's friend's dad I gotta just do it as like a Comedy homework To just know the show I feel shitty to be like I've never You're a terrible person It's the thing that got everyone in

Or you could just listen to the 17 podcasts that are about seinfeld yeah but i hate that even more dude norman's got one that is pretty good the i'm pretty sure norman has a show about seinfeld i could be wrong maybe not i mean the kid opened for him and he's one of my probably one of my better friends in comedy so i'll just text him oh yeah can you just text me the synopsis of all the episodes a lot of people call mark but to him he's to me he's normand uh that's why my voice cracked while i said that a lot of people don't know his name is actually nork marmond that's something that only one of his better friends hosting forum would know so that's why i totally botched that i was trying to say norm markman and i just but

nork it all comes to your marman norm mcdonald another one of my good friends more mcdonald got a quick roast from again shout out to rob cody saying uh yeah they had this when he was like you guys are at crosskeys another shout out to big tony p yeah uh rearrange the room it's fun i like it is it better now yeah it's better sound uh so it's it it was a long room yeah to try to project to the back yeah now it's like spread left to right pretty good so you can kind of just like pan well audience you know we should do we should start booking shows there yeah so someone uh somebody kill tony murder tony that's a show uh i wasn't telling you to kill tony i was saying to download the show kill tony that's what it is cancel comedian tony hinchcliffe i can't believe

i think he's kind of honestly killing it still he He wrote it perfectly where he just said, no, I didn't do anything wrong. I was making a joke. And the whole thing with that was the guy that outed Tony Hinchcliffe was his road opener. And he had him on Kill Tony. That was the Asian guy that he had gone after. He brought him up in the scene. I will say, dude, if you get a chance, he had Shane Gillis on for Kill Tony. Yeah, it's in my queue to listen to. Genuinely one of the funniest things I've ever watched. I've heard it's great. If you get a chance he had shane gillis on for kill tony yeah it's like a week ago it's in my queue to listen genuinely one of the funniest things i've ever heard it's great you gotta if

you get a chance try and watch it yeah it's killer did you listen to gillis on uh rogan we're probably the first philadelphia podcast to talk about we're the only philadelphia and he is another one of our great friends so they he started a trend of on the show he was wearing a cheap walmart golf shirt yeah and so now people are buying that shirt at walmart and going to gillis's shows wearing them that is such a i wonder if that's an intentional did we talk about this last week i don't we might have i think he accidentally made a new wing of the proud boys oh jesus christ could you imagine the gang if somebody dude storming the capital in a walmart polo is somehow so much more racist

and they just have suck our dick to all our enemies which is is gillison is that what that stands for yeah that's fucking incredible they just have that like tattooed on their neck suck our dick to all our enemies by the way live update for those listening at home uh furcon corp maz back to the 76ers on a three year $15 million deal looking at updates I've been doing a couple glances at the old phone

but we're back to the podcast professionalism Johnny Matzobo got Philly's funniest round two coming up this Wednesday how you feeling how's your body

I'm excited it's a little bit longer of a set I think it's like you get six and a half to eight minute now which you have a hard time filling yeah which is gonna be a lot of me pointing at people and asking where they're from oh boy don't ruin it for work don't take my act uh yeah i'm just gonna go in once i run through all my material i'm just gonna start going into mad people's material which is

all of a sudden my ankles just become exposed. And I'm suddenly wearing like a $100 Cactus Jack t-shirt. They're actively watching you turn orange on the stage. I have a costume change. I'm like, guys, I'm going to burn a minute. I just run in the back. I come out in your clothes. And I'm just like, you guys see this tattoo on my forearm? I've written your tattoo.

I actually don't like hearing somebody else say it. It makes me want to throw up. Dude, I thought about that. I think we were talking about this maybe at the mic the other night but somewhere doing a show where and i've seen a couple people do it but someone else does your material like so you trade material and i would that would be so painful to watch my jokes especially if they bomb yeah yeah or someone does them better or they murder that's actually you're right if they murder because if they bomb you can be like they just

don't they can't do it like me but if they bomb, you can be like, they just don't, they can't do it like me. But if they murder, you're going to be like, I should quit. I should quit right now. That actually did something that someone had to do. When I first started doing comedy, sorry to cut you off on that one, but when I started doing comedy, I thought of asking or like saying to somebody that I started to get to, I don't remember who it was. I don't even think they do it anymore. But I was going to go and be like, wouldn't it be funny if we like did each other's sets?

And then I was like, and not in like a homosexual way. I was like, who it was. I don't even think they do it anymore. But I was going to go over like, would it be funny if we like did each other's sets? And then I was like, and not in like a homosexual way. I was like, that's gay. I don't know. It just felt like when I was about to say it, I felt like my balls tightened up a little bit as I was like walking towards to say it. Because then I really thought about the conversation

and I was like, this probably had no... It would only be funny if it was like you had 10 comics all together and that was the crowd. Like, because nobody... Unless it was like you had 10 comics all together and that was the crowd yeah like because nobody no unless it's like something say if you were going to go up and do a female comics material yeah she had to do yours or you go up as the palest whitest comic and you're just doing black guy just eddie murphy from the 80s and you just get the approval to say the n-word like then it's like maybe maybe a raven tonight.

I could swing it. Like I said, I'm on the B team of whites. I've said it before. I'll say it until the day I die. I'm closer to that than white. I don't know. That's what people are saying these days. So we've got Wednesday.

Wednesday's Philly's Funniest. I'm pumped. I'm on the Late Show Wednesday, too, which will be nice. I've just got some friends and family coming out. Yeah, I'm doing the Late Show right after. I'm going to do it from the green room of Philly's Funniest perfect i'm on jimmy fallon's late night tonight yeah and you call him jim because you know him well james i call him jim okay jimbo i throw a jimbo out there every once in a while but no i'm pumped for it it's gonna be it's gonna be fun uh yeah so what's fun too is I'm doing Philly's Funniest on Wednesday and then Saturday I am doing a 12 hour ultra marathon. Now let's say by the grace of God, your boy has a good set and he gets onto the finals of Philly's Funniest. That's Sunday night. There is a potential chance that if I do very well Wednesday and I have a great set and I get voted on the next round, I'm going to be the most tired I've ever been doing stand-up.

But after Saturday, I'm back to boozing, baby. I'm getting back to the sauce. I went to the liquor store today and bought a delicious four-pack of beer to drink. To just sit and look at you while you're waiting to have it? No, I'm going to have it in the fridge when I get back from this ultra marathon. But that's on Saturday? On Saturday. So you haven't gotten it yet or you did get it? I got the four-pack. It's sitting there. And you just have it no i'm gonna have it in the fridge when i get back from this ultra marathon but that's on saturday on saturday so you haven't gotten it yet or you did i got the four pack it's sitting there and you just have it looking at you that's willpower i'm just staring at the eye i've had i've had booze in my house the whole time yeah that is tough like not drinking so i didn't drink

for it'll be four five weeks i guess yeah i told you i got sick right away yeah so you heard it if you listen to this or if you came out to south house i was in another world of being sick so i got sick immediately so i haven't been like oh i need to drink but this past week i i have like a bottle of bourbon and like all the stuff to make it old-fashioned next to my fridge incredible and i was just staring at that then i went to a cousin's son's graduation party on saturday Saturday that is like all of my family all my cousins that I boozed with my whole life and they were just like

what do you mean you're not drinking and I was like until next week I swear to god and so it was the opposite of like if you're drinking too much I was like guys I swear I'll get back to it I promise guys yeah I'll call you we'll drink together like it's just this thing I'm going through and it was literally i just

wanted to stop drinking for four weeks before doing this long run to see if it helps me and i've noticed it has it's gotta have some kind of benefit to it it does but it's like yeah does your wife still drink or she not really so like she only just will drink if i'm drinking yeah so like last friday she did say she's like i wish you were drinking and i was like you can have a drink oh like we're just sitting on the couch. We're watching a movie. What did we watch? She was not drinking just because you were?

No, no. She just was like, you don't need me to be the excuse to drink. Yeah, but it sounds like it was on our head. I was like, I want to drink by myself. I was like, I get it. Sweet wife stuff right there. Well, and then every once in a while, she got, we had some beer in the fridge. She was like, you got to taste this that our friend gave her.

I was like, I don't even want to because then at that point, I'm going to taste it and then my brain is going to be like, dude, just go drink. You can't have one sip. Yeah, I'm not going to have a taste. I'm going to let it hit my tongue and spit it out. I mean this is the most alcoholic talk we've ever had. But it's true. The truth is there, folks. You took a month off though.

I mean you're a goldfish. Yeah, I feel – I mean – and it shows me too. It's like the weirdest thing was doing stuff comedy related and not drinking. That's got to be insane. I drink so much water now. I'm constantly uh down at krusky's last week i was back and forth to the bathroom like every two comments you're doing old man yeah yeah man john he's the most mellow coke head i've ever seen he's the most hydrated coke head we've ever seen but everybody else is pissing too because they're on their ninth seven percent beer so they're all they're all just the

tough thing and especially like going to like i'm going to raven tonight and i'm gonna not drink at raven for the third week in a row now they're unbelievable and it's it's a different world because it's like i never realized how much booze will fuel my conversation conversation i can't even talk oh dude especially like with other comics because like yeah it's like you get to a point like what do we now i feel weird if i'm starting to have like a silly conversation where like you know we'll just be like riffing on something and like if i say something that's like out in left field yeah i'm drunk i'm like yeah i'm just drunk that's my brain now it's like oh you thought that you said that you thought that thing put it out into the world jesus christ that is the worst part being sober and being hyper aware

of how you are as a person is really a bummer. So this is the mental health pod now. Yeah, I'm just fully aware of the piece of trash that I am now. Oh boy, folks. Speaking of piece of trash, your boy Matty Peeps got loose in the booth this past weekend. Went to, I don't know what the fuck that means. That's the name of your special is I don't know what the fuck that means. Yeah, it's really, it's very honestly most of what I talk about.

Pick it up, grind it down. I don't know what the fuck that means. Suck it, flip it, tell a friend. I hope not, dude. But I went, I'll tell you what I do know. We went to Morgan's Pier, one Morgan's Pier. Oh, I've been there forever. Have you been there before?

Yeah. Yeah, and I don't think I've ever had a, you don't go to Morgan's Pier for a drink. No, you go to Morgan's pier for all the drinks yeah we went there we went and we went we made a real executive decision we got there at 7 30 p.m sun very high in the sun was smiling at me and crisping my skin which is crazy to be like the guy at morgan's pier who's like fucking vampiring around chairs so you're not you're in the shade which is the perfect segue to tell you that this episode oh was it brought to you by john it's brought to you by shamrock son hey if you ever find yourself you go to morgan's pier and you're like it's 7 30 i'm not gonna burn and then

you get there and you just hear that sizzling bacon sound there it is that's asmr that was perfect bacon no one can tell that was that that actually wasn't bacon, everyone. That was Matt's mouth. That's actually my nickname in high school, perfect bacon. Perfect bacon. Yeah. But, yeah, so this episode is brought to you by Shamrock Sun. So if you find yourself in Morgan's Pier sizzling, just know you don't have to be Larry Lobster. You can get yourself a big-ass bottle of sunscreen.

Now, let's say you're going to go to Morgan's Pier once a summer. Maybe you only need one bottle. Let's just say it. Let's say if you're gonna frequent it you're gonna need one every three months you can get a bottle sent to you every six months fair or on the subscription you can just get one bottle sent to you for the year i'm just kind of riffing and looking at words on there it's what it is uh you don't want to go with the legacy sunscreens on this aka big sunscreen out of my face i think they're all owned by Pfizer at this point. Yeah, I think.

Copper Tone, you can go copper bone yourself. You can copper Carter yourself is how I'm looking at it. Copper Carter, baby. And it doesn't have to be that way anymore because what you can do is you can go to shamrocksun.com, Matt. Okay. Now, let me ask you this real quick before you get any further. Is there any way – I might be jumping too far in the end. Is there any way I could get any percentage off of this if I want to? You know what?

I think it's fair to say that if you were to use a certain word on their website. Okay, okay, fair. Any word. Now what you can do is first you can go in there and try any words. Just try random words. Try a couple words. Dirty words, clean words. But then once that doesn't work, go ahead and type in the word idiot for the promo code to get 10% off at ShamrockSun.com.

Oh my god, above. Now, I do know from following Shamrock Sun on Instagram, they love booze. Yeah. And they love you not getting sunburned. So they might deliver it to you at Morgan's Pier. They might be at Morgan's Pier. Their South Jersey Philly area company, they're in Sea Isle, I think, all summer, it looks like. Yeah.

But they might also just drop you on there and then just get shit-wrecked with you, too. A lot of people are reporting that they are staking out at bars, and as you walk in, you pay a cover, and then they immediately start rubbing sunscreen onto your bare skin. On your face. They just have bouncers. No context. They don't say a word to you. And you know what?

You won't want a word said to you because you'll enjoy how great the sunscreen is. Yeah, and also, I mean, you don't have to stop at using the promo code on shamrocksun.com. You can just go into stores and start screaming idiot at cashiers and see if they give you 10% off. Go to your local 7-Eleven and see what the fuck is up. It's probably going to end in you getting punched

in the mouth, slapped if it's a guy named Carter working behind the register. But if you just scream idiot in public, who knows? You might get 10% off everything. Or someone might take 10% of your life away from you. Beat the shit out of you. But yeah, hit up Shamrock Sun.

Back to whatever you were saying about being in a booth. Was that what I said about a booth? You said you were getting loose in a booth this weekend. Yeah, we went to Morgan's Pier. Good God above. First of all, I mean, I hate, we went to Morgan's Pier, and good God above. First of all, I mean, I hate when you get to the point of drunk where you're like, oh, I must be rich because I'm buying drinks and shots quite a bit, quite a bit.

Did you have a running tab or were you paying per? That's like, I live my life by the seam of my pants. Quarter mile at a time. I make decisions based on literally nothing. Here's a good example. I will go to Wawa. I'll buy something and they go, do you want your receipt? And I'll go, no.

And then I'll go to Dick's Sporting Goods and I'll buy something and they'll go, do you want your receipt? And I'll go, yeah. For no reason. There's never any reason. Have I returned these socks? Okay. I don't know. There's not even thought of that.

It's just like here's a different answer to that question so that's the type of guy you're dealing with here i always love like i haven't had like a good like all-out drinking fest at a bar in a long time but like i remember being down the shore at a bar and having a tab but then also being so drunk that i was also just spending cash intermittently. So it'd be like, I thought, let me get two beers on the tab and then also six shots on this $50 bill. Just something like that. And they're like, you know, you can just do this all on the card. I'm like, I got this.

This is, and in my brain, I'm like, well, once you drink out of the cash and you're not going to keep drinking. Yeah. Yeah. That's the worst too, is when you're like, you're reasonably like, I'm going to put $60 in my pocket. Yeah. I'm not going to touch the debit card.

You drink that $60 within the first hour. Oh, it's like because you buy your – oh, I'll get the first round. And then you realize the first round is the only round. And then you're like, well, my friends will get me. And then you realize you came there with two more friends. I also stopped buying rounds for a group because I feel like I'm always the one that ends up being like, I get the first one and then everyone else just goes and gets their own beers. I could not agree more.

Yeah. I'm done buying beverages for a group. Yeah, it's a good move because that really is what it is. You feel like the nice guy, but really you're just the drunkest guy. I do love when you see somebody

and you're talking and then you're just in the middle of a conversation and you're like, can I get you a beer? And it's just like you and I and I buy you a one-off. I will say,

opposite end to that, if you're listening to this, Tom Crolius, you said we're mortal enemies. You can still go fuck yourself. Wow. Because we were at Helium, and I was saying to another comic, I was like, hey, I'm not drinking, but let me buy you a beer.

We were having a good conversation. Yeah, yeah. And Tom Crowley was behind that comic, not even in the conversation, and said, you can buy me a beer. And then I said, you can go fuck yourself. Ooh. Tom Crowley has then told me that we are mortal enemies.

Wow. I thought we were friends but Tom Crowley, you're the biggest enemy. You're enemy number one of the Handsome Idiots podcast. What a toe. So if you're listening to this

or if you're a friend of him listening to it, Tom, we're coming for him. Tom, listen man, you're a good friend to me but I got a podcast to run. I'll kick your fucking ass, dude. I'm sorry.

Also that being said, Tom, I hope you're doing okay. Yeah, Tom, we love you. You're hilarious. Great kid. Sweet kid. I don't know. Anything else you want to touch on this week? to run i'll kick your fucking ass dude also that being said tom i hope you're doing okay yeah tom we love you it's great kid sweet kid i don't know anything else you want to touch on this week what do we got oh we had 55 mini boys let's see what else is going on that's like the stand-up i started watching uh we can talk about this real quick i started watching law and order svu oh i like how by the way this is what we were going to start talking about way late into like everyone every joke's been made about this show yeah and everything but what i wanted to say on there was it's uh so ice t famed rapper ice t is on the cast and his lines are always like

they'll be like he points out the most obvious shit that like everyone else got like and he in real life if this guy worked anywhere he'd be the guy that every single time he talked you'd be like yeah no shit we know that like there'll be a body on the ground like and he'll be like i think those bullet holes were caused by bullets i was not expecting you're just like that's that was also a flawless iced tea impression and the one was like hold on i think i even wrote it down okay well i might not have it between while he's looking butT, it's unbelievable. Ice-T and Ice Cube, both being major motion picture actors,

is unfathomable. I know. Yeah. Also, being rappers turned, being a rapper that has a song called Cop Killer, and then you become a cop. Become the cop.

The cop, which is hilarious. But the one, I don't even know if I wrote this down tired or if it was actually somebody said was does the hotel room you let your mention have hotels those hotels have beds and in the small fridge is there is there snacks and drinks but you're not gonna buy it so this is definitely i made this up as just a fake example but you're not gonna buy those those because they're a little too expensive so you went across the street to the cvs to get those drinks this also just turned into a tracy morgan impression i was gonna say it's slowly going and then does your car run by

plug that's a good tracy morgan for how rough the iced tea one was that's a solid trace i think we've talked about this before it's still my favorite accent to do oh yeah someone getting pregnant tonight. And the other one is, do you know what this is? He lifts up his shirt and slaps his belly. He's like,

it's a ghetto mating call. So that, that was a long road to just get to a Tracy Morgan impression. Yeah, it was well worth the travel. Like,

go watch, oh, that, the all in order thing fell off. Wasn't funny. We'll cut it. I was a fan.

If you want something funny, go on YouTube and look up Tracy Morgan Totally Awesome. So Totally Awesome was a movie. Mikey Day, who's now an SNL cast member. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was Nick Cannon while on Out Guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a movie about him trying to learn how to be cool. Okay.

And he's just a nerdy white high school kid. I think it was like a VH1 movie. And Tracy Morgan is this old black guy that's teaching him how to be cool. Yeah. It might be some of the greatest line. And my friend, again, said that listens to this. He and I will call each other and just do lines from this movie. That good.

Go watch it. They're so good while you're watching it if you haven't seen it they're not funny and to the listener look up totally awesome tracy morgan it won't even be the whole movie it they just did a super cut of all his lines oh that's incredible all right i can get behind that we can we can wrap it up on that you got anything you want to plug other than tracy morgan impression contest we got uh we got this thursday the show at um the beer factory in springfield has been canceled i have no idea why but it's been canceled so that's where we are with that factory got shut down the factory got bruce springsteen's gonna write a song about it about how it tanked the economy in the neighborhood. Bruce Springfield.

Springfield. Oh, boy. We are losing it. But Friday, I'll be in the Poconos. Still genuinely don't know where. I'm assuming it's one of the resort casino rooms. Show up to them and just start yelling idiot and see if anyone gives you 10% off.

Full circle with Johnny Matzobal. That's a callback. What else do we have? The 18th, I'll be at Helium Philadelphia with the roast battle. If you're deer tagging the do-rag. First time I ever said that right the first time. You said it wrong, but it's do-ragging the deer tag. Jesus Christ.

I don't even know what I'm looking at. The thing I'm going to now. Sorry, fellas. But go check that out. They've got a podcast before at 8 p.m. And then we'll have the roast battle at 9 p.m. I'll be going against the one and only LaMare Lee. So it should be fun and then August 27th

we are at the Asbury Park Ghost Lodge Ghost Ghost Harbor Creative Ghost Harbor Creative that's just four words that they put together

but that's fine with us I think there's an Eventbrite link we can put it on Arnell Handsome Idiots pod on Instagram hop on follow

Handsome Idiots pod we will follow you back a like for a like oh we can discuss this next time too i fixed my ratio i i am so glad you said that because i got a screenshot on my phone of your new ratio that i noticed the other day so tight i remember seeing 800 to 1200 and i looked the other day and it's 800 to 800 i didn't know what a ratio was until i heard them talk about it on Do-Wrecking Deer Tag. That'll do it. Yeah, which I will segue

into tonight. This will come out afterwards, but odds are I beat Finesseca because your boys got right. I'm the only guy on the show tonight, on the roast battle tonight too, so I got to hold it down for the dudes. It's got to happen. Do it for the men. Because dudes rule. This is also just a dudes rule podcast. Guys, we always get the short end of the of the if you can see how cool we're sitting you're gonna

know that dudes rule that we roll so potentially next monday i have a finals of that roast battle we'll be there and i think that's the last roast battle before it goes to helium which you will be on yep um i am philly's Funniest this Wednesday. You can, if you want to go and get money off, call in and get my name and you can get $5

off your ticket. You bet. On the 9th, which is next Monday, even if I win or lose, I'll be on Do Rag and the Deer Tag live, which I'm excited to do

at Raven Lounge. That'll be fun. That'll be killer. 8.13, out in East Falls, I'll be doing Lovable Monsters out in east falls i'll be doing lovable monsters storytelling show and it's uh all covid stories so i think i'm gonna be there talking about having a kid during the pandemic all right and ghost harbor creative like you said we're also we're

all we're you definitely like copy and pasted this into my instagram post because it says available for booking i love you that's great so again if you listen to this matt and i will come to shows and like matt said we guarantee we won't be the worst on the show 100 because one of us might be and then the other one will be the second worst phenomenal point that's a phenomenal point but yeah uh oh and uh new episode i was supposed to release it today but by the time this is out New episode of Hacks With Jay Simpson And Mae Kazem

The new parents This was Right before Their little baby boy Came along Nice little parent episode So new episode of Hacks And yeah

Montag Comedy Hacks Comedy Golf At Matt Peoples Comedy On Instagram At Matt Peoples We got cut off Sorry John said

A horrible slur But we are wrapping the podcast up there. Thanks for hanging out. Thanks for tuning in. Give us a kiss. Love you. Ew. Outro Music