That Rules Podcast - Episode #48: Handsome Idiots LIVE!

Episode Date: May 11, 2022

The fellas have decided to expand our reach. This episode is brought to you LIVE!!!…(on Instagram Live… for like 9 minutes).

🎵 What can you do but start episode 48 without a radio voice? Cause you're a consummate professional. That was so funny to hear you like slowly, not slowly, very quickly phase out of it. Like starting episode 48 with the fucking podcast. This shit gonna be brazy. We finna pop off.

Brazy. We on Instagram Live. Shout out to everybody. Instagram Live. People do this on there, right? They chug up the deuces. They do a lot of chugging deuces. They do do that, John.

Look, we're trying something now. I'll just address it real quick on the pod. We're trying to go Instagram Live for the first 10 minutes of the podcast. So if you're not listening now which you're probably not on live uh the next time the podcast we'll put a thing out that we're recording it we'll hop on a live we'll do a better job of notifying and you guys can listen but that's enough of that it doesn't matter because i just checked and none of you are viewing this on instagram live right now so getting your time machines ladies and gentlemen yeah what the hell so you've been you've been living brazy bro i've been living brazy off the

cuff of my pants bro my cuffed jeans i've been listening to a lot of uh a lot of rap that i think you would approve of lately who you got i'll let you finish but i got a real new thing that i'm feeling but good okay uh i got into some little dirk uh the other day oh he rules just because i saw one reel where it was somebody like outside of like miami clubs and he's asking basically tweens they're probably 21 he's like who's the top three rappers alive right now and it was like four people were like little dirk obviously and then they were listening to other people and yeah i like him it was good it was good running good running music what song were you listening to uh I don't know I just

whatever on instead on a apple uh music you want apple music I'm old I'm old that's not an excuse I have Spotify I have apple music I got it all dude what I still get cds from that remember when you used to be able to send away for like it was like a penny for 29 cds that was way before your time no i don't have any of that dude so i think it's called like westinghouse or something you would get literally a catalog sent to you in the mail that looked like the toys r us toy catalog but just had cds in it and you would send away and they would just send you like 20 cds and the idea was you would for it was like for the first two things it was only a penny yeah and they just banked on you forgetting that you had this thing yeah and then the third one was like 700 yeah so a lot of people got in trouble

with their parents credit cards like early on you're like i had to get six alanis morissette cds two chumbawambas, and a fucking Counting Crows. I don't know. That's like fucking, they talk about, apparently gym, like, what's it called? Subscriptions?

What do you get at a gym? Membership? Membership. They like have a capacity for like 300 people, but they have 1,500 members. Yeah. So obviously they're spreading out

that they'll come at different times, but they're also factoring in a decent chunk will never show up. Well, they also like, I was loving people like, yeah, Planet Fitness is only $10. Can you believe it?

I was like, yeah, because they also bank on just people will stop coming, and they're like, it's not worth $10 a month to go cancel. They make it so hard to cancel. Oh, it's a pain in the ass. Have you tried to cancel at a Planet Fitness? No, any gym is like that. I tried to do it at the beginning of the pandemic. It was shit. They're like, you got to actually come in physically.

And I'm like, why would I ever have to do that so there was a whole thing on uh nate bergazzi's podcast there one co-host who's like big fat out of shape guy the whole joke was like he paid he's been paying for planet fitness like five years and has never once gone never worked out or anything and they were saying that the whole thing about like you have to come in is even during covid because i remember they hit me with that when i first tried to cancel the beginning of covid like you need to come in i was like i don't think i'm allowed to leave my house yeah because that was when we thought covid was airborne you're like yeah if you walk outside you're gonna get it back when the liberal media tried to tell us that we couldn't go outside for a damn flu yeah there's an election coming up probably i don't know somebody join

is that somebody on there dude it's me is it really it's sad. So this is the worst idea we've had so far. I don't agree with that, dude. It's going to pan out to be the best. Yeah. But what were we talking about? COVID. It's real. It's fake.

Oh, canceling at the gym. And they really do. You have to write a letter. Yeah, I had the same shit, dude. Yeah, I haven't had to write a letter or get a stamp in 12 years i had to bring in a letter that was like here's my cancellation everybody in here is on steroids this guy used the n-word every day and i love it but i can't keep letting this happen to whom it may concern i feel as though i have reached my potential yeah of jackness well the gym's all set up on chubby aspirations,

so they're also set up on chubby failures. So there are people coming in and trying to lose weight, which is great. It really is phenomenal. But then the fact that they're just banking on, like, these fat fucks are never going to come in here. Oh, there's a reason that there's, like, 43 treadmills there. True.

And only two sets of 25-pound dumbbells. It's always just very old, vascular women yeah they just are like and that scares me too because i know at some point in my life it's gonna be i hit that point where it's like i'm just out there at least i'm moving yeah i'm out there shuffling my feet i ran past a lady the other day in the rain which because i'm a rain runner okay i'm a bad boy yeah marine day bad boy and uh i ran i was i get like in my head where i'm like man you're the only one out you're the only one that's putting in work right now and then i passed a lady that couldn't have been younger than 73 yeah and she's just walking at a

good pace and she definitely was like a lady it's like i get in my three miles every day yeah and at some point i'm just gonna have to be that person that's like i walked outside today that's exercise yeah but you're just you're running and it's even worse because you're running just like you know i've been running for a while like she's running like i need to make it to my granddaughter's graduation if i don't keep moving i will die i will die there's this one lady at my old gym dude she was an older freckled woman clearly was still dying the hair blonde but i just had genuine feelings for her yeah big fan and uh would you give her a name if you had to give her a name what would it be like a terry uh probably like dominic strict susan because i just kind of fixed her i kind of fixated her as a very like oh you wrote a lot of you wrote all of this

tale i saw every day dude and she'd be in there I'm picturing a lady in just all leather now. No, literally her entire skin was leather. She was old, probably pre-diagnosed melanoma. He doesn't want to be a dominatrix, but I didn't choose the game. The game chose me kind of thing. I don't know. I had this teacher in high school that I didn't

know what melanoma was. I was like a senior so I probably shouldn't know what melanoma was. Also, with your your skin someone should have sat you down at like six and they were like never go outside. Yeah dude when they fucking

yeah when they used to have like assemblies at school they should have just had me sit in the gym alone and be like melanoma never go outside and think about the sun. But I had this teacher

that had melanoma that I didn't know and she had to have it like removed and she always walked with a limp so I told people that she walked with a limp

like an old school pimp and everybody was like really upset about that. So then I was like, this will be funny to undo this. I just started talking about, oh, there's people. Is that Jimmy Gillespie? Hey. Hey, take a look at that there, John. It is.

And he said, yo. Jim, dude. Also, what's up? Romy Rosner's in here, was at least. Come on, folks. Mine froze. We got a couple of folks. If you're listening thanks but also

why are you listening uh we uh what's up dan clark what's up jim gillespie let's go baby if you guys want to come on the live it won't transfer onto the audio at all send a request yeah tell us a secret we're trying fun new things tell us a seaky i gotta stop doing peace now you don't you gotta do more of it no or you gotta do double horns sweet all right so your teacher all right this is like long after i i my favorite thing that i used to do as my sense of humor was i'd make up lies you know how a cool regular guy does so i started telling a lot of people in my school that she grew up in South Philly. Not true.

And that she used to have a cat that was really fat that would like always sit on her like porch, but it wasn't her. I'm like telling people this in the moment. I got like six or seven people listening. How old are you again? Probably like 17, 18. Oh, Jesus Christ. And she's like, I said that the cat would sit on her porch. It wasn't even her cat.

So kids would walk by and they'd be like would like oh look at chubby pussy over here and then because she would always be there when the cat was there people were like oh you're chubby pussy you're chubby pussy so people were like wait she told you this that her nickname was chubby pussy and i was like scouts honor she let me know whatever so like one day in school these two girls that were like not the most thoughtful ones were like we're gonna go ask her and And I was like, don't. I wouldn't even. Don't do that. I remember her specifically telling me not to have people ask her when she told me this. She was our algebra teacher, and I had to watch people walk up, and they were like, so we heard you had a nickname when you were growing up.

And I was like, please stop. Because, I mean, I don't know how the conversation goes. Are you Chubby Pussy? What if she was like, wait, you know about Chubby Pussy? I mean, I don't know how the conversation goes. What? Are you chubby pussy? What if she was like, wait, you know about chubby pussy? I mean, that would really save me. But they kind of fell out of it. But I just kept thinking about her and being like, are you chubby pussy? And my teacher would be like, excuse me?

It's 9.30 in the morning. So were you always a liar kid? I just thought it was so funny to make up stories. So, all right, but you did it because you thought it was funny. Hilarious. I was just, when I was younger, I was just a liar kid to just thought it was so funny to make up stories so all right but you did it because you thought it was funny hilarious i was just when i was younger i was just a liar kid to just lie like i remember we were at school and everyone was talking about uh having sega genesis and they were talking about games yeah and they were like oh i got this game i got this many controllers and i was like yeah man it's crazy i was like i have like almost too many controllers and i have like all the games.

And I listed like two games I didn't have. And then a kid from my neighborhood came over one day and brought those two games. And he was like, you should, it was like Sonic 3. He's like, let's go play Sonic 3. And I just had to sit there and be like, I actually don't have any video game systems. Please don't tell anyone. But it was just a blatant lie that i would just and it was one of those like to fit in when you're like seven or eight yeah and it just it cracks me up like at the time you

think you're like well that's the end of my life i'm also just run away into the woods it is embarrassing dude i had to lie about runescape you familiar with this program runescape it was an online game for troubled youths where you would be a knight or a wizard troubled you played with other troubled youths everybody on there well it's either troubled youths or pedophiles were you a troubled youth no i was a regular guy so i didn't play the game i was a regular god-fearing kid so i didn't play the game never played the game never once and i had to lie to my friends because they all loved it so i got caught in the lie like during like a conversation with three of them where they were like yeah my mage is at this my archery is at this and i was like yeah my archery is at like a 47 and they're

like you know how like hard that it you're really at a 47 they're like how do you train and i was like just get out there man just fucking put the time in you just keep doubling down there you're like well i mean they reached out to me and i've been training at their facility this is my only way they made the game i got so deep in and they were just just about to catch me and i was like well you guys are playing on premium right they're like what is that i was like you buy for the upgrade of you guys aren't playing on premium and they're like oh no we didn't even know about you made up a new version of a thing that they know better than me i also love it i asked if you were a liar kid when i know you're a liar adult in that you don't watch anything

and then you just watch the last 11 minutes of every movie and you're like turns out rosebud was his sled the whole time in citizen game well if you think about it that's actually a cool thing that i do we should just do a whole episode of spoilers for if anyone is not like titanic boat doesn't come back up aunt may dies in the new spider-man uh does he oh well that's a she sir well isn't that the wasp ant bitch is it no aunt may aunt madley said ant man i would never say that to you i thought you meant paul rudd bit the dust i was like please don't tell me that nah dude he survives and lives paul reed paul rudd guy i like but people call him too hot and it makes me dislike him yeah yeah he's not good looking enough for all this attention

and it makes me I'm getting there with Jack Harlow Paul Rudd's genuinely he's the best looking person at a local bar like if you went to a bar right here and you walked in and you're like that's the most handsome person there but he's also at stuff next to Brad Pitt

and fucking Cristiano Ronaldo I can't think of – I'm like, who are hot dudes? Yeah, like hot guys from the 2000s. Who are the – those are hot dudes to me. My hot dudes – that's so funny. My hot dudes aren't your hot dudes. Yeah, what are you like George fucking – no, what are you – dude, Marlon Brando?

Yes. Old Brando though. Yeah, that guy's fucking huge. No, like my hot dudes were like – Edward Norton was a hot dude for my generation which was weird oh because he is and he isn't i think it was just malcolm not malcolm x malcolm x totally different guy what no a lot of people confuse ever norman malcolm x though it wasn't in american history yes american history act so and he was like yoked for that movie so maybe it

was coming off of the tails of that but yeah he was always like up yoked for that movie. So maybe it was coming off of the tails of that. But, yeah, he was always, like, up there. Yeah, there's a couple people checking in. Probably have to wrap that soon. I mean, it doesn't make a diff. There's too many words. You can wrap it. All right, we'll wrap it like a condo. I'm going to keep doing these.

We're wrapping the live. No, but, like, I'm trying to think. Who were the... So, like, when I was in high school, the... Are you still live? You are. Don't be that school, the – are you still live? You are. Don't be that close to the camera if you're live. I'm as close as I can, please.

But the – are we going – oh, Jesus Christ. Sorry. I may have to go and do editing for the first time. Are we talking, like, high school? Who are the hot dudes? Because I went to high school, like, the beginning of my high school years were boy band years we were like n-sync backstreet boys so like justin timberlake's always been hot dude but he's a weird looking guy wait that's back when he was like ramen noodle do you think justin timberlake like if you just saw him out in public you'd be like

there's an actor that looks like the slightly off-brand justin timberlake and i always say it to my wife i'm like he's in a one episode of New Girl and whenever we watch that one it's the one where she's teaching adult education and he's a writer

and he's writing a story about murdering his prey and they think it's Jess oh yeah that guy looks like if I feel like if

you ever actually saw Justin Timberlake out in person he actually looks like that guy okay I'll find his name up probably won't put a picture of him but I think yeah there are so many I feel like if you ever actually saw Justin Timberlake out in person, he actually looks like that guy. Okay. I'll find his name. I probably won't put a picture of him up. But I think, yeah.

There are so many of those celebrities where they're, are they just that? Like, John Mayer is so insanely talented. Is he an attractive guy if you take away all the talent? No. But now that's where it comes full circle. Women have a better, more, what's the word? They have a more, it's weird. You word they have a more it's weird you think they're shallow because it's like oh women will just date guys for their money or for their accomplishments and it's like they're dating you because they're impressed by things outside of

your physical features right seems like a more developed way to like be attracted we're like boobies but she's on heroin it doesn't matter to me dude i'll dive in there and we're like isn't she a slut because she's impressed with the best guitarist of all time yeah it really doesn't make any sense but you know we'll protect ourselves in that way dude and uh if you have big boobies and butts and do heroin you listen to this by all means you know appreciate you who were your hot guys in high school me no you're like my friend derek he was cute as fuck i don't think we it's so funny when you go to a shitty high school... I don't mean like local hot guys.

Like who were the universally... I was going to cut through like... Damn it, I shouldn't have cut you off. Travis had some sick traps. I'll be honest with you. You just call them trap-ifs. This 15-year-old was hot. That 17-year-old guy was hot.

No, who were like the hot bad boys like in Hollywood when you were in high school uh i'm trying to think oh like oh the huge probably like i've never seen in my life this was like the end of like it was like eighth grade right when twilight came out yeah dude fucking robber patents and the thing he was doing to girls my sister's age dude he was still I was in college when those movies came out and there was still like tons of

vampire dorks it was that it was like I came you know this was pretty funny I came up in the prime

this is probably never matched hot guy prime this is not hot guy prime hot kid prime when Justin Bieber first hit the scene

oh you were are you around the same age as Bieber he's like three years older than me so like he was like a little older than the girls in oh you are you around the same age as bieber uh he's like three years older than me okay so like he was like a little older than the girls in my class yeah you had the same haircut hated him i got the same haircut and shortly after hated him it's funny now because now i think justin bieber is a fucking man it is funny how you come full circle on things like that where it's i'm trying to think you watch him get arrested a couple times you're like well like all those all

those boy band guys I hated growing up because I was fucking Johnny Punk rock, and I was like, I don't listen to boy bands. JPR. But then as Timberlake branched out, and you were like, oh, he's actually a very talented person, and then I found out he's also good at golf. And then you see him be funny on something,

and you're like, maybe I judged him a little too quick. Yeah, I know. As long as they're cool like, cool about it. Yeah. Because they can't be multi-talented and be even a little bit unlikable. Yeah. Because then you're like, fuck you, dude. But, well, now it's what's weird.

Like, the hot boy thing. Timmy, Timmy, Timmy. Oh, Timmy Chalamet. Timmy Chalamet. I call him Timmy. I'm still looking over there like the camera's still on. Timothy Chalamet is, like like the new hot guy, right? Yeah, kind of, but not like...

I don't really... I think I'm too old for who thinks he's hot. But I've heard women in their 40s be like, fucking Timothee Chalamet. I'm like, he looks like a child to you. But not super often, though. That women say that or that he looks like a child. I've just never heard...

I think he's just a hot commodity that was one of my my grandmother he's a hot commodity with the younger the way his slacks lay on his legs oh honey that's a cute god-fearing jewish man all right i gotta get back to my walk around the river now have him come over for passover he'll meet your father you know your father these meet these guys oh so i forgot to tell you we're jewish does he have a brother for your whole sister by any chance who may sound yiddish dude by the way timothy chalamet if you're listening to this i'd challenge you yeah you should challenge him to a wearing a blazer without a shirt under it because i feel like every time i see a picture of that guy he's got a fucking blazer on the other the one was he had like a conductor's blazer they only go to the rib cage yeah so as a

man that's had love handles pretty much since 11 i'm like thank you fuck yourself timmy yeah i don't like that they're always built like hot lesbians that's what it is timothy chalamet looks like a very attractive lesbian good looking guys nowadays are hot lesbians. Ooh, I like that. I bet you if Ellen... And hot lesbians are good-looking guys. Mm, okay. Look at that.

We've come full circle. Now, is this progressive or one of the more homophobic things we've said? Probably both. Probably both. Definitely not racist. Now let's make it that. Let's get there. Michael B. Jordan. is he good at acting or

is he just good at looking up next channel 9 news who is that that has the michael b jordan the b stands for basketball is that a delia joke somebody has that joke uh it's delia or like calendar so it's one of those california comics you see any of that big beef going on over there what so all i saw was uh i i listened to like i haven't listened to fighter and the kid in years yeah and i saw on reddit like somebody posted the first 10 minutes where brian callen addressed it yeah so basically what happened bobby lee went insane i look i got violently high and really followed the whole process apparently bobby lee they basically ever heard about the fighter and the kid reddit

yeah yeah and they just shit on shop which is so funny yeah it's it's basically everyone from Bobby Lee, they are basically, you ever heard about the fighter and the kid Reddit? Yeah, yeah. And they just shit on Shob, which is so funny. Yeah, it's basically everyone from the Matt and Shane and Comptown Reddit are just, they just bombarded.

And they have like lingo and all this stuff. And so a special came out and they were just going after the special. Wait, he released another special? Oh, dude, I watched it. It's great.

Is it really? No, it's awful.'s all oh okay it's awful dude his his his like punch lines were like my wife's a fucking hispanic woman and it's like whoa and it's like she speaks spanish i don't even know how to speak that and it's like oh what he doubles down and i'm all like what yeah and she's all like k what? Yeah. And she's all like, K. K. I think he had one. Are we writing better shop jokes than he can? I was about to think of an ice joke or something. But yeah, it was awful. So apparently they somehow found an IP address that was linked to one of the Tiger Belly accounts that was on there. That's Bobby Lee.

So they thought Bobby was running all of the shitting on shop. And apparently it got to the point where one of their got attacked that with the email address that was linked to it so callan apparently called bobby and was like i'll fuck you up like you're a pussy like i'll i'll end your career all this shit dude if the fact that anyone who is in comedy can will make a physical threat and just knowing and just knowing that everyone that now i'm not saying there aren't tough people in comedy there's people that can probably fight i mean fucking brendan shop was a fighter yeah brendan callen is trained in boxing and everything but it's like you got into being funny because you're a pussy yeah like i just hate the the forced tough guyness especially

from fucking full-on adults yeah like after 30 if you're physically threatening somebody you're a fucking dork and then also like you live that being said fucking try us yeah well we'll fight you don't appreciate being lumped into the whole 30 thing but i do hear you dude yeah like a lot of people are saying you're 30 somebody i was at a bar and i was uh ham boned that was annoying and uh all right three two one no i was at a bar and i was like talking to this girl who was really not a looker but i was blacked out nothing came up i just like she said something to me talked for a little bit and one of her friends i guess she was like some like 22 year old that went that goes like temple or whatever and i was like people that i was with said that two of the other friends was like why is this 35 year old hitting on her i was like

that would really hurt and i was like it was one of those ones where you're hammered. You're like, oh, I don't give a shit. But then you're like, she said 35 or looks. Did they hear anything else that they said? And she's like, no, she just said it. And I was like, fuck, man. You're over there. You got her by her jacket.

You're like, what looks 35 on me? What looks 35 on me? Is it how I act? Because I said dude so much. And then as she does it, she just slowly pushes my hair up to show my hairline. And I'm like, knock it off. And she lines it up. She's like, here to show my hairline and i'm like knock it off she's been she like lines it up she's like here that i would have thought you were 26 but here now here's where it used to be right it used to be down here i imagine

by the way love the jacket but it used to be down here right shit yeah you're right uh yeah so that was a fun that's that's a good thing about being single so all right so they uh brian callen put a physical threat out there on bobby yeah uh also threatening somebody who is like yes you can't do that right now so that's a problem dude imagine looking at bobby lee and be like i could fuck you up he'd be like yeah yeah that's what i'm saying like i don't think well i know there's a story of like him and ari getting in a like full-on fight yeah yeah at the the comedy store that they talk about all the time. And they were like, we were best friends after that happened. Yeah.

Or whenever they squashed that beef. Right. But yeah, just looking at him, there's nothing about him that you're like, you would have to even threaten. And also, he's not a real person. He's probably never had a real conversation in his life. person he's probably never had a real conversation in his life um and this so like callan called and threatened him it was like bringing up ending the career and that like he'll get rogan to do something about like real bitch shit oh and this is all coinciding where i want to love brian callan i i like brian callan but this is embarrassing shit like that i'll tell joe yeah i'm gonna tell

uncle joe one bro um. The president of comedy. Yeah. Kind of. The godfather. This is all in line with. You come to me on the day of a UFC fight. You come to me looking for three hours on my digitalized podcast. And I say to you, take Alpha Brain. Take Alpha Brain.

Call me in the morning. Now watch me do this interview with Theo Vaughn where all his jokes go on my head. Also, check out this kettlebell. It looks like me on one side and a gorilla on the other. Ain't that cool? Of course somebody who looks like me and is 50 years old would name their special Triggered. Obviously it would be called that. My original title was... sounded like Triggered but they said no and it was... erred. My original title was, aren't these protests a little over the top? Just keep doing God, Father, Rogan.

I got more. I keep going, just shitting on Rogan. But so apparently, this is all coinciding where like, Brandon Schaub tried to fuck Annie Letterman, and they have a podcast with esther pivorsky who's bobby's girlfriend yeah so this is all happening at once and then brendan threatened to sue them but apparently it wasn't him it was his team and it's like hey man don't say the word have a team so uh yeah they both just aired it out and then callan publicly admitted to

attacking bobby on so that's what i heard and i will say the guy is really good at owning up for They both just aired it out. And then Callan publicly admitted to attacking Bobby on his podcast. So that's what I heard. And I will say, the guy is really good at owning up for his fuck-ups. Yeah, but... Well, he does it in a very strategic way. The thing he does first and right off the bat is says, I fucked up. Yeah. I should have been a bigger man.

Yeah. I should have done more research. I should have talked to him man. Yeah. I should have done more research. I should have talked to him outside of blah, blah, blah. So it's like, if you do own it, then it's like everyone's listening. It's like, damn it. Those are all the things we were mad at you for. And you're atoning. I mean, I was listening to it.

And I was like, oh, my God. What is this? Is this me apologizing to my ex-girlfriend? I mean, that was verbatim. I had to think about what were the things, dude. I stopped listening. It just got to. It's embarrassing to be like There's drama and you guys are like

42? I can't listen to a 42 year old who's on his second marriage Talk about owning up For your mistakes more than once It's also just like this He's like this was a bigger thing than when D'Elia was Fucking 16 years old Yeah that just got glazed over it's like callan

wasn't like i want to fucking kick your ass chris because you're banging 16 you better stop banging all the girls i try to also bang and the new york times was like hey count didn't you rape somebody and he was like what the hell is it anyway i don't want to besmirch their names i don't know their pasts and their their fucking futures but i'll tell you what the shit that's happening right now is ridiculous yeah but what can you do we got to start some podcasts on our end what about uh yeah let's start some podcast uh who can we tell that will end their career look drew and naeem we've seen what you guys have been posting about us on your um whatever reddits and uh john and our team is going to be taking legal action to make sure that you guys have to give us the Raven Lounge.

Yeah. Yeah. You guys have one Jew on your show. Yep. We have 30 Jewish litigation experts. I was going to say lawyers. You went fucking way Nazi. I was just horsing around.

You know how I get, dude. Just kidding. We love you, Drew and Naeem. You guys are the godfathers of local podcasting. You guys are kind of at a tier that we want to reach one day. The Rogans of local podcasting. You guys are kind of at a tier that we want to reach one day. The Rogans of local podcasting. You guys are the Rogans of Philly. Damn.

We're probably like fucking Sam Tripling. No, we're not. We don't have enough cool theories. I mean, after that one joke, I'm happy we're getting there. I'd like to be the Alex Jones of podcasting, if you ask me. But we fucking, I don't know. They're putting their white claws in our water to make our kids handsome. They're making the claws gay. if you ask me. But we fucking, I don't know. What was I, oh, I had one. They're putting their white claws in our water

to make our kids handsome. They're making the claws gay. They've been gay, Alex. Come on, dude. Take a sip. Take a sip of this raspberry. We talked about talking about talking seltzies on here.

Oh, that would have been good for the Liggety Live next time. I had a passion fruit white claw. Not a fan. Okay. I also don't know what passion fruit tastes claw. Not a fan. Okay. I also don't know what passion fruit tastes like. There's that. Yeah, that's a good point.

Passion fruit and dragon fruit, I'm like, hey, man. They're never by themselves and stuff. It's always like passion fruit, cranberry, and coconut water. Yeah, I'm not trying to get hard while I'm drinking. I am trying to get hard while I'm drinking a white claw. Yeah, I don't need passion in my fruits. I just need nourishment. No, I need a little bit of passion in my fruit.

I put a lot of passion in, you know, your fucking... I feel like you would passionately eat a banana. First of all, take that back. Second of all, I can't have potassium because my doctor said it puts a strain on my kidneys. So why don't you fucking think before you speak for once, dude? You're allergic to bananas. No, I'm perfectly allergic to them. I could eat...

I'm de-lergic. Yeah, what's the opposite of allergic? De-lergic, dude. De-lergic. De-lergic is actually this black guy that I knew that I grew up with. allergic to them i could eat i'm delurgic yeah what's the opposite of allergic delurgic delurgic is actually this black guy that i knew that i grew up with uh that's the fourth time we made one of these jokes that's not the fourth time buddy that's like yeah that's a great point that's that's a gp dude now let's talk about how you'd spell it it's d apostrophe allergic he's a shooting guard on your ea ut any rules dude any fucking rules and i hope he runs for president

uh but yeah i can't eat bananas because of potassium so allergic claritin he was great it's just fucking medicine names dude you can't horse around like that uh but we are thinking about probably doing like a little uh well this is such an it's so funny like when we say it to each other usually we're probably drunk and we're, I've never touched the sauce a day in my life. We should sample seltzers on the podcast. As I said it out loud here into a mic, I hated myself so much. I don't think you finished the sentence.

No, I just said it in like passion fruit. Better minds prevailed. But it is tough to say out loud, hey guys, he's 36, I'm 26. I'm thinking about it. We were drunk. And someone else said, that's a good idea. You should do that. And now I'm thinking about it we were drunk yeah and someone else said that's a good idea you should do that and now i'm thinking about it whoever said that definitely said it more

in the tone of yeah it's a good idea you guys should do it oh yeah losers yeah it's like he was at it was at helium after uh the tuesday showcase yeah it's like when somebody's like oh nice hat and you're like thanks And they're like, oh, yeah. Okay. You're right. It is corduroy. It's like the one time I tried to do stand-up in a hat

and it just was not meant for me. Dude, I... So I've done stand-up in a hat maybe five times in my five years. Great new show at Harrison... Harrisburg Comedy Center.

Shit in a hat, yeah. That is a show at Harrisburg. Shit in a hat. I know. I was trying to make a hilarious joke, dude. Yeah, you're a hilarious joke yeah you're right um one person one time pulled me aside and gave me like a lecture this was in harrisburg and i just wore a hat because i was like i love his hat i wear hats all the time yeah people say that people know that and uh he was just like hey i gotta tell you he's like none of your jokes hit with a hat on i was like well ouch first off like i was getting laughs uh

and he was like i used to be in like uh i was in like theater and stage and everything he's like and the hat it hides the eyes and the eyes like tell the truth he might not have been this gay when he was saying it sure he was like the eyes tell the story and i was like oh okay and i was like that was stupid but now every time i've ever been like I'm gonna put a hat on and go do comedy that fucking dude is in my head I hate to say that kind of makes a little

it does but it doesn't I hate it dude it sucks but it doesn't it shouldn't yeah it shouldn't imagine as a casting agent maybe we just need to get better

at comedy could be there's also that speak for yourself because David Tell wears a hat every time on stage yeah we should be we're pretty much David Tell

we should probably write jokes you know what first let's write jokes. Then we can wear hats. Yeah. And our hats will have the jokes on them. We're fucking Dave.

Don't don't ask. Don't tell because if you're getting the military, we'll fight. Yeah, just kidding. We love the military very much. It's the opposite of

David. Tell Dave to tell like the allergic allergic and Dave cousin. Don't ask. Don't tell. I don't know why I. Don't ask, don't Dettel. I don't know why I reiterated it.

I don't know. We have so much pesto and zesto for the live. Yeah, well, it's also very late, and we're podcasting after a brutal Sixers loss. Oh, boy, was it ever. Johnny boy. I'll tell you that much. They fucking make me so angry.

They're like, the Sixers are like, if you had a girlfriend who gave the best head and then like two days later in game five, when she's giving you head, she was like, I have oral AIDS and now you have penile AIDS and you go, ah, shit.

Damn it. But it was just great the other day. And then they come back for game six, and they're like, the whole AIDS thing was actually way overblown. It's not a big deal. I feel bad. Could I blow you again? And you're like, fine.

I'll let it slide. And then you go to game seven, and they're like, I did fuck your dad. I fucked your dad. And that's the first half. And then the second half, you're like, but. Your mom set it up. It's strengthened your dad and that's the first half and then the second half you're like but your mom's strengthen your mom and dad's marriage he realized what he had at home and now your parents are never gonna get divorced and you're like all right fine cool that's what it is that's the that's the girlfriend i've been dating with the sixers since i was 14 years old just yeah

that sucks because you've gone through like i had that with the phillies for a long time. Through my childhood, they sucked in the 90s. You got something out of it. And then early 2000s, they started turning around, won a World Series, and I was like, okay, they could not win one for another 15 years, but I have that one still. Yeah. And they may not win one for another 15 years. But it sucks because you've been –

like the Sixers have just – I've never – I shouldn't say I've never been excited because I was a big Sixers fan. Like when they made the run, they played the Lakers in the finals. Yeah, yeah. The whole Iverson era, like that was exciting. But yeah, there's still no championship to show for it. Nothing.

Last one was 83. Yeah. So they're getting on that long run because I mean like the Phillies were like 100 fucking years. The Eagles were like 100 years. Like it was long run, because I mean, like, the Phillies were like 100 fucking years. The Eagles were like 100 years. Like, it was long run. They would always be like, whenever a team wins, like when the Cubs won, that was like, that actually was like 108 years or something like that. Yeah.

Then they were like, all right, who's the next team? Oh, the fucking Astros or something. Yeah. That was like the Cavaliers. The Cavaliers are getting to be that in the NBA. They're getting there. I can't even think of another team that is further. Like, the last one was the Cavaliers.

It was like 57 years. Really? Which is fucking crazy. Are there any teams in the NBA that have never won? Probably. That's got to suck to own a franchise. And you're at the owner's meetings. And everyone at least has won.

Maybe not even them. But in their history. Yeah. They have won. There's got to be a team that has won. All the newer teams. Memphis has never had. I was going to say.

Like the Charlotte Hornets and shit. But they have the Pacers. No. And all they ever had, they just had Reggie Miller a bunch of years. And they have to be in Indiana, which I can't imagine exists. I've never believed in Indiana. But Indiana's like the mecca of basketball. Yeah, for white people.

True. And that means it's not. So, I mean. It was at one point. Like, they made one movie about it where everybody was like, we've got to get these white boys running around. Where was James Naismith, this person who invented basketball, right? Yeah, where did he do that?

Was that in Pennsylvania? No, I forget. It's where the Hall of Fame is. Springfield, Illinois? The Hall of Fame is. Illinois, maybe? Illinois. Dude, I have a speech impediment.

I'm Brendan Schaap. It feels like an Ohio sport, maybe? Maybe so, but I don't know. This is kind of funny. We talked about hats. When we were in college, Rowan University, to be more specific, we were at this place called The Spot, which was withheld within Landmark, a place where you used to bounce around.

Can you tell me? Holy shit. I used to have to work at The Spot every once in a while, and they'd be like, go stand next to the stage and just make sure you take all the bottles off of the stage and people leave them

up there a lot you just watch sweaty boys and girls also call us if anyone needs to get bounced yeah if you want to get bounced in the spot

I try to bounce a lot of my exes in the spot if you know what the fuck I'm talking about sex yeah so there was like

that uh the VIP lounge area there yeah which was like which was hilarious because we had a dude that was there every thursday night yeah and he would buy multiple bottles of champagne and i was like the bar back or the bouncer i wasn't a bar like and he would like pat me on the shoulder be like go tell that girl in there i want to in the middle of the dance floor i want to give her a glass of champagne yeah and i'd be like really man and then he would like give me five bucks yeah like all right so i go out there and be like that really fucking great but i'm screaming because it's yeah house music fucking blasting in your ear or it was like a sweet 16

she's like, what? But no girl ever turned it down. They were like, free champagne, man. Yeah. And this guy knew. He was like, I just,

I play the fucking numbers, dude. Yeah. And I just go home with a fucking tween. Yeah, you watch that girl walk back from there and you go up to the guy and you go,

give me those fingers. Yeah. Where the hell were they at? He's like, one bottle of champagne, man. Anything could happen. No, he would buy like multiple bottles,

I remember. And it was always like, the upcharge is hilarious. No, he would buy multiple bottles, I remember. And it was always like, the upcharge is hilarious. We used to have, that was the weird thing about the spot, is being there in college, and it's just like 200 people, just like, I'm just trying to fuck something. Well, to paint the picture for the listener, the main bar is a sports bar that is a college bar. So it's rowdy, it's busy.

And then the spot is, they just essentially took a mini nightclub and glued it rowdy. It's busy. And then the spot is they just essentially took a mini nightclub and glued it onto the side of this place. Yeah. And you... I remember

how racist the dress code was. It just... Oh, yeah. When I worked there because when I worked there was... It got worse.

Was early... Oh, it was 2009. So it literally just read like no flap rims, no extra baggy shirts so that meant that the bouncers had to stand and the bouncers were mostly black dudes yeah had to stand up there and be like your shirt's too baggy yeah get out and it was like no tims no something it was just like dude you might as well just say whites only like it was really and i don't know how that i mean people weren't getting canceled for shit then really i don't know how that i mean people weren't getting

canceled for shit then like i don't know how you those rules were still there when i was there they made it worse there were like no shorts for guys so this was the one thing that happened there was no they used to be no that's a college bar dude my in my era there's probably so many cargo shorts in that bar oh my god dude you i mean it still was occurring and now when they got rid of cargo shorts dude now that they kind of sucked when they got rid of cargo shorts in that bar oh my god dude you i mean it still was occurring and now when they got rid of cargo shorts dude now that they kind of sucked when they got rid of cargo shorts because no girl is hooking up with a guy in cargo shorts it sucks because cargo shorts in theory are awesome no and here's why you always have so many things to carry you have no things to carry dude i don't think i

ever put anything in a cargo short imagine like going to pay for something and then like you reach into the three of the wrong pockets eventually the cashier gets to be like i'm sir you're a fucking pussy yeah all right i can see how you'd think that uh but we fucking were there one time and it was me my roommate and our one buddy and uh zach walked in there and didn't have a hat on his hat was in his hand he put the hat on like forgetting that he was just holding it and walking in. A bouncer came up and he's like, Hey, man, you got to take the hat off.

You got to get out of here. He was like, Oh, I'll just take the hat off. He's like, Yeah, no big deal. He's like, You still actually have to get the fuck out of here. He was like, Is it that big of a deal? He's like, Look, I got somebody else over here, and we can just take you out ourselves. Whatever you want us to do, you let me know.

I was like, Ah, shit. Of course, I'm standing there. I'm like, All and I'm like alright I guess I gotta leave too and it's also not even a cool thing like if you're at a bar

and you're like yeah we got kicked out because we fucking yeah no but you had that moment where you were like am I a good friend I'm a great

I guess I am I was a terrific friend and but it was just it's not even a cool way to get kicked out where you're like we got in a big fight

yeah I fucking broke a guy's neck and he sucked my dick and I showed him a photo of my dad like it was just like we got kicked out because my buddy was wearing like an oakland athletics hat it's like god damn it that's why they kicked you out there i mean they even you've never been to oakland it's like 12 45 so the night's barely started you've never seen three saturday guys sitting in a pizza hut eating at one o'clock in the morning entire establishment. We were sitting eating pizza

and I look up at Zach and I'm like, take that fucking hat off. He's biting back into my cheesy bread. Is it worth it? There's no other way to go so you gotta go to Otts and try to have sex with somebody's mom. You go to Elaine and you're like, wow, you look like you're 25. I'm actually 60.

You're like, I know Mrs. Jones. I're like i know mrs jones i know eric how has he been he's okay the drug a little bit of a relapse he's he's on a long trip to florida wow that's incredible so you live close to here don't you missus and your husband is dead dead he passed away well dead to me that's, he passed away. Well, dead to me. That's what I always say. But also actually dead. Also literally and not metaphorically dead. He's a bad person.

I killed him. Anyway, you want to get out of here, Matty? And then you just get like an ancient version of Chlamydia that she's just been housing. What are these voices we've been doing this episode? Cool voices for cool guys. That's what it is. Yeah. What other cool voices do you want to get into?

What have you been up to? I haven't seen you in a... I guys. That's what it is. Yeah. What other cool voices do you want to get into? We've been up to. I haven't seen you in a... I know. It's been a little mini, dude. You did a show up north of the border. I did a little... And by the border,

I mean wherever Central Jersey is. Yeah. I did a little show of Roni and Cheese. And it was fun. It was a good time. It was Elena.

She's got a last name. Runs it. Very fun show. It was her birthday show. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. So we went up there, did some time. Great turnout.

It was packed in there. Free booze. Whoopsie-daisy. A little open bar action. And I went like this. I go, I'll take one of those. I'll take one. I mean, you're looking at a guy who's going to walk up to you and go,

I guess I'll have one of those. Trust my arm. I'll have three of those. Yeah, I'll have way too one of those. I'll take one. I mean, you're looking at a guy who's going to walk up and he's going to go, I guess I'll have one of those. Nice. It's just my arm. I'll have three of those. Yeah, I'll have way too many of those. No, I'm kidding. I'll sleep in my car in the parking lot. What the hell?

I wish I would. I mean, no, it was a very fun show. There was a little intrigue that occurred. Yeah. You teased this. I'm excited. Some dude was there and he was trying stand-up for the first time. Now, I'm not shitting on anything, and I won't give too much detail,

but when it's your first time doing stand-up, being as mean as you've ever been to a stranger is not the greatest angle to go in at. Now, no fault to him. Hope he keeps doing it. Learn more. First time, he was very comfortable on stage very confident whatever but uh there were some things said maybe some ugly bitches maybe some uh other epitaphs thrown out there it's one of those ones where you're

sitting as a comic in the back you sit with other comics you're like oh shit yeah you're also very glad because was it announced that he was doing comedy for the first time? I don't think so. No? Okay. Because I was going to say, whenever you do hear that, when you see somebody bomb, you're like, yeah, that's what should happen. But when they announce, and first off, if you're listening to this, don't ever announce

someone as this is their first time. Yeah. The worst thing you could possibly do because half the audience is going to stop paying attention. The other half is going to just be really sympathetic and give him laughs that he shouldn't get. Say it afterwards. If he does good, be like, guys, that was his first time. Keep coming back.

That kind of thing. Introduce them. This is their last time doing stand-up. Yeah. This guy is going to kill himself tonight. He's going to kill himself in the parking lot. So if this doesn't work, you can go watch that. This is his 48th and final episode.

For real. He's cutting it off. I'll end it. But there is part of the comic in you that's like, man, I really hope this guy doesn't really crush on his first time. Yeah. Because one, especially if you bomb that night, and you're like, if this guy gets more fucking laughs than me,

I'm quitting tonight. I mean, that would be a nightmare. Also, there's nothing, nothing is, I think, worse for somebody on your first time than if you do very well, and then you go to another room, and you nothing, nothing is, I think, worse for somebody on your first time than if you do very well and then you go to another room and you try the same shit and it just completely tanks. Yeah. It's got to be the biggest kick in the dick. I can't think of many things more painful.

And it's also going to set somebody up who's very new. And granted, we're still both new in comedy. Like, I don't consider myself great at this. You know what I mean? Like, even good, yet. I think I'm serviceable. But, like, somebody who's new, who just crushed their first time, went home, was like, I don't know if anybody says this is hard.

Like, I got fucking murdered. Then bombs. It's the same person that goes home and goes, that crowd just didn't get me. You know what? The whole that crowd didn't get me. Yes, sometimes that can fly. If it's for a whole show. If the crowd sucks what the whole that crowd didn't get me yes sometimes that can fly if it's for a whole show if the crowd sucks for the whole show yeah if the crowd just didn't get you then you had a bad set you can tell that people like you can watch somebody who's bombing

and then be like but they're still a good comedian yeah like the people who are up there and they're like i didn't mean to take you off the tangent of this guy's story but no i don't want to give too much i don't want to i'm not shitting again it was just it was but to go up aggressive like go up very meek yeah be like but he's also playing he was like playing a character that's the other thing which don't be a character ever i mean unless you're jack trilby unless you're sebastian maniscalco and i have to listen to you pretend to talk for like an hour because somebody's fat italian mom thinks you're No, what's even worse is all of my uncles quoting, misquoting Sebastian to me every time I see him. Hey, you ever heard of this guy Sebastian Maniscalco?

I think he'd be really, really funny. My aunt has seen him like five times in Atlantic City. Yeah. And Sebastian's great. I love it. He's funny. I think he's very funny. You may not agree.

I think he's funny. But it is annoying to look at as a comic and you're like, you're getting a laugh because you're miming using a broom aggressively. Well, you just, I hate like, it's because I don't think like 50-year-old men are funny outside of like Louis and Bill Burr and all these guys. But like. There's way more people that are 50 than you know. Like Big Jay Oakerson's 50. Well, they're up there. No, I'm sorry. I'm saying, I'm trying to say 50-year-old humor is not than you know. Like, Big Jay Oakerson's 50. Well, they're up there. No, I'm sorry.

I'm saying, I'm trying to say 50-year-old humor is not funny to me. Oh, yeah. Like, Louis C.K. and Bill Burr don't have 50-year-old humor. Right, well, and Sebastian's not for you. It's not even for my age. No, it's not. Yeah, and it's true. I don't think, of course he's a great comic.

Of course. Like, in argument. But my aunt will, like, present. One, she's always like, do you ever just think about, like, asking him to be on with her? Oh, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, yeah, oh. Fuck, you're right. Shit. I should have just asked him. I should have. I Oh, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, yeah, oh. Fuck, you're right. Shit.

I should have just asked him. I should have IM'd Sebastian Maniscalco. I should have asked the millionaire. Yeah, I should have Instagram DM'd him. So that whoever manages his account would see it. Send him a picture of you and a turtleneck and be like, please let me open for you, sir. But, I don't know. I enjoy.

I'm going to catch shit for saying that. A bunch of people probably know. Listener, fuck you. Don't say that to them. Sorry about my podcast. Who's your guilty pleasure comic that you still just love? That now that you're a comedian

and you see behind the veil... God, dude. It's just got to be Fluffy. Yeah. No, I'm kidding. I fucking hate that Fetid. No, I don't think it's Fetid. When's the last time?

Have you gone back and watched any of the shit that you loved as a kid? Anything Dane Cook is your... Honestly, though, Dane Cook still kind of holds up to me a little bit. Dude, he's still the one now. I'll stand by it. Everyone wants to shit. I'll stand by it. It's the reason that 90% of dudes between the age of 26 and 36 are in comedy.

Yeah. It's because you saw him at one point, and you're like, it might not have been your introduction to it. Like, I liked other comics before I saw that, but that, at the time, you were just like, this guy's fucking wild! It's like, and that's why, especially now doing comedy, you're like, as a regular-looking white dude,

you kind of have to pick, like, all right, what's my angle going to be? Because, like, I don't have a lot of lot of interesting i can't pretend to be fucking alien anymore he stole that bit yeah a fucking like but like you're a white guy you're not as interesting as other people will be there's a lot of us doing stand-up and it's so funny that dane cook was like i won't act like a douche i won't do this he's like i'm gonna be on meth yeah that's gonna be my thing yeah everything i say is gonna sound like I've just injected nine fucking milliliters of heroin directly into my arm.

Now, will my face get really puffy later on and I look kind of weird as I date 17-year-olds? Yes. He's on steroids. What is Dave Chappelle and Dane Cook getting roided out? I've mastered comedy, now time to master the body. I've mastered the mind, now time to work on my body.

I think it's just like for accomplished comedians, most of them spend like 12 years as an alcoholic. And then afterward, they're like, I can't drink anymore. I guess I'll just start working out. Got to put this effort into something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I give credit to somebody like Dave Attell who's looked disheveled ever since he was 22. And it's fun, but different versions of disheveled. Yeah.

Yeah. He still wears like the same hat, same jacket probably. He was like uh oversized button-down short-sleeved shirt disheveled now he's like kind of like homeless guy that you trust advice from disheveled well yeah because once you've mastered comedy as a comedian you either gotta get jacked or you're gonna be a pervert like it's like true or just shit about you like louis is gonna come out chrish was like, you mind if I do both? I'm going to double down.

Watch this. Check this one out. You know where there's tons of young girls? The gym. I call this one the senior prom. Look at my cool sneaks. Hey, come on, dude. Nothing wrong with a pair of cool sneaker-oni and cheeses, dude.

I'm not going to lie to you, and I hate to say this. I've fallen off with the sneaks a little bit. We've all been talking about it. A lot of people have been discussing it. A lot of people have been discussing it. The ones that are sitting right next to you, I believe, are on your feet right now. Sure. Everyone hated them at the open mic last week.

Yeah, and hey, look at this. The guy who went up there was a little mean. The past open mic, I went up there, I was a little mean, and I ate cock because of it. Yeah. And then I also did bad at stand-up. That was a pound. Matt showed me his penis, everyone. It smells like milk.

What are those shoes? So for the listener, they're Chuck Taylors with a bunch of hearts with eyes on them. They're Chuck Taylors. Listen, you and my dad, listen up. I'm listening. I'm a fake sneakerhead. I know sneakers. I just don't buy them. They're Chuck Taylors.

Converse Chuck Taylors. And they did a collaboration. See, there's no way to not sound like an asshole douche piece of shit. You even did the X for collaboration. I have to talk shit like they did some gay collaboration. Hold on. I'm actually bidding on another pair right now.

I am. Actually, I'm in the middle of a huge transaction. But they did a collaboration oh god no you got it now you gotta lean in it's french okay let's hear it oh he's also a little spanish for some reason so not french no it is french though it is French and shout out to all my French people we love you guys quitting on wars and being mean to Americans we'll

you know fuck you guys we've really just caught out 9 million people that were just like fuck you fuck you yeah who else can we call out

yo you're not getting off the topic of your stupid shoes you didn't justify them enough I know and I traded another pair of shoes for them to like a 17 year old kid

with acne huh are they comfortable at all no just chuck taylor's are they so those shoes came out when my dad was in like he went to your school it was in cyo basketball and he's i remember when they first came out and then they never changed anything about them ever since they did start making like the comfort version when nike bought converse and everyone was like those are fucking corny yeah i'm gonna wear these ones that hurt all the time literally like it's so funny that they people would go to war or like they were nice supportive shoes or people in work they'd have at least decent enough shoes but then they're like oh you're gonna be running around and like cutting and turning all the time what if we just used

cotton and just made fucking lace just attached to it? Just real hard canvas and we duct taped them to your feet? Barely. The thing's flimsy. I don't even know what it's made out of. Oh yeah. Your ankles are not stable. It's like a jacket for my feet. As I've gotten older, I appreciate a good comfort fit of a shoe. Yeah. I'm all about foot

comfort now. Arch support. It's important. Do you think you're going to be a sneakerhead for life? I't i can't you imagine me 40 years old and being like especially as a single guy yeah you know you can't be single 40 and being like do you see there's no dunks that came out and other people were like you ever gonna like follow what human beings are supposed to do and start a family and reproduce and i'm like what about those dunks yeah i'm saving i actually knew a guy that he had like a closet full of like Jordan boxes. Yeah.

And I remember when I saw it, I was like, what's that? And he's like, it's my kid's college plan. And at the time I was like, yeah, okay. And now if you're listening, I already hear your name. You're a musician. Your name is Joe. If you're listening, I really hope you kept those dunks because your kid's going to go to fucking Ivy League. I mean, this kid's going to be...

That's unbelievable. Yeah, but he was a sneakerhead way ahead of his time. So it was like... Yeah. I mean, this was... Shit was probably 2008. When he got it, too. So there were sneakerheads,

but it wasn't as big as it is now. It was pre-StockX and shit like that. Really, the explosion happened recently. It literally happened like a year, no, a year or two before I got into it. So I got into it just to lose a lot of money

and to have people asking, how much money are you spending on these shoes? And I go, shut up, mom. It's just so funny too because it is a thing where you don't ever want to see what it costs

to make that pair of shoes that you just paid $300 for. Because it's going to be $19 probably in material. I mean, and especially if they're, shoes yeah that you just paid 300 for it like because it's going to be nine nineteen dollars probably in material like i mean would the call and especially if they're now i get that's why like some and this is for any collectible something that is like limited release maybe like oh this insane italian leather used on the shoe or like yeah something like that but for the most part there's millions of these shoes out there it. It's not that you're getting lied to by rich people who are like,

don't you want to put these on your feet? And you're like, yeah, I really want to, sir. Well, that's the other thing. I've never trusted any time they've ever said, like, this is one of 50. No, it isn't. There is some exclusivity that I'm being lied to about that I believe, John. I'm going to call bullshit. Oh, are you going to call no reason what are you gonna say

to him i have no reason because why does how does nike benefit from only making a hundred of a thing that's what i've never understood where the money comes in for them well it's just i mean because if you sell them for 190 and somebody buys them for 190 and then they go and sell them for 400 i bet you they have task forces trying to figure out how to end resale of sneakers, like Nike, Adidas, all those. Maybe, but I really don't understand where the... But I think it's one of those things

you just have to accept it. It's a free market. People are allowed to do this. It's not illegal to resell a shoe. You know what I mean? At a higher price. But it's hilarious because that was why scalpers

got out of business. Because it was illegal for ticket scalpers to sell a ticket above face value. True. So if they sold all their tickets at face value, they'd make no money. And then they were all... Dudes were getting arrested outside of the vet all the time for this.

And then StubHub came along and literally just did the exact same fucking thing on the internet. And then they're like you know what we're even gonna hit you with a service fee service fee for 32 dollars to fucking i know this where i sound like an old guy service fees sometimes are half the price of a ticket yeah it's insane it's so funny that like what is that there's no money i understand that like there needs to be some money going to stub hub for that to be a company and to exist it can't just be they take ticket they give you ticket there's no you know i know a profit has to be turned yeah but the the amount is what's insane i think but again i just come back to just, I don't know how Nike's making,

what should happen, it should be people who do, it should be, if you have an OnlyFans, and you do not, correct? Well, I have three,

one, well, I have 10, I have one for each toe on my foot. Oh. Like the big toe has his own OnlyFans. Is your big toe, don't you call it Milk Dud? You say that?

Dilkmud. Dilkmud, okay, sure, that's good. But they should do exclusive, I think you should put sex work should be

not just... Listen, sex work shouldn't just be... If I can buy Nikes at any price, I should be able to pay for boobs. But it shouldn't just be that I have to go to an OnlyFans or strip club. They should put like, they should meld the businesses. Like, Target should have

sex workers in the store so you're like uh like you think you walk into a target and uh you're like uh you're asking the lady you're like i don't know do you know where like i can go grab i have to get like a charger for my phone she's like yeah that's an isle 13 you're like all right great and she's like do you need me to like suck your dick from the back or anything and you're like that would actually be you're like, alright, great. And she's like, do you need me to suck your dick from the back or anything? And you're like, that would actually be you're in the Hallmark aisle. The Hallmark cards aisle. Hallmark. Well, that's good. And then if you can't dirty talk, you can just read the cards to her.

And you're like, oh, it's somebody's special birthday today, isn't it? And she's like, sorry. Sorry for your loss. Chick-fil-A incorporates it. It's your pleasure now. I don't again, I don't... Again, I don't see why Nike would want to put out 50 of a certain show.

No, I get because they want to have a story behind it and all this stuff. Maybe it's just they realize the allure is in their own exclusivity. So if they're like, well, fuck it. If people are buying 50 and they sell out in two seconds, we'll just put out 3,000. And then people find out about that and they're like, all right. Like, that is a real thing. That happens a lot, right? People find out how many are being released and that shows,

like, there's Jordans that, like, you could go buy right now because they just put too many of them out. Yeah. It's a thing. It's a thing, dude. But the sex work thing is important to me. I think we should be allowed to fuck sneakers. Where can you put sex

workers you can put them everywhere dude i think you should just double down and have whores and jordans i think if you put them in the catholic church a lot of these issues would go away well there's still the pedophilia the pedophile thing's pretty bad true yeah that's my hot take of the cast if i may be so bold but yeah so whatever i'm gonna go to target and i'm gonna start asking people there i'm like are you fucking like sorry tune in next week when i have a new co-host because mac got arrested for sexually assaulting a person at a target or if i have a brand new girlfriend and a red polo you get a job there and a pair of red polo and khakis because she is my new queen my new diva do you ever get get hit when you're in a store?

Do people ever think you're an employee there? No. So I must just have I work here face. This happens to me way too often. Yeah. I did it. So this one, I'll give the lady a benefit out of this one. I was at Dick's Sporting Goods recently.

Great store. Just got a couple birthday gift cards there. I'm so pumped to go spend them. It was going to be on a Tyrese Maxey t-shirt, but I think I'm too old and he's way too Goods recently. Great store. Just got a couple birthday gift cards there. I'm so pumped to go spend them. It was going to be on a Tyrese Maxey t-shirt but I think I'm too old and he's way too young. Yeah.

Anyway, I was just standing there looking at like running shorts and I had just come from a conference for work so I had a lanyard around my neck still and I didn't realize it.

Yeah. And I had like a quarter zip on and a lanyard and she came up and she was like, can I get this in a medium? And I was like, what?

Yeah. I'm like, I'm sure you can but fuck off. Yeah. And then she kept talking lanyard and she came up and she was like can i get this in a medium and i was like what yeah i'm like i'm sure you can but fuck off like yeah and then she kept talking and it was like two minutes in i'm still just looking at shirts like oh this one has a phone pocket good nice and she's like well do they make it in another color and i was like this bitch is senile and then she finally goes oh you don't work here i I was just like, I looked down. I was like, uh. It was even like a green lanyard. I was like, did you just think I was the biggest asshole employee?

Like, I just ignored you for a lot. You got to flip it on her. But I used to get it. I used to have to wear scrubs for work all the time, like to and from hospitals. And I would be in like the grocery store. And I had multiple times a lady one time came up to me. And was like, hey, do you know how much broccoli is on sale for this week and i was like no i haven't bought broccoli in a while and i'm like wait why are you asking me she's like oh you don't work here i was

in full scrubs be funny you didn't think i was a doctor you thought it was a fucking bag boy that wore scrubs you're like yeah that's funny if you're like she asked you that and then you're like i don't work here and she's like yeah i know she just thinks you're the broccoli guy she's like what's the national uh i can just smell the farts coming out of you and i was like that guy likes broccoli give you bad toots you don't you don't eat food so yes i do you eat salad you complete wild guy broccoli gives you broccoli farts like uh saute or like steamed broccoli oh wait what does it sound like gross dude this is an adult only podcast you asked you asked for it again, though, so that means you didn't do it.

Yeah, I asked for it. Yeah, broccoli makes your fart smell. Asparagus makes your pee stink. I just took a stinky asparagus pee in your bathroom. And hoes make your dick burn. Am I right? I gotta get an appointment. I gotta stop making love to women from Target.

They're gonna do it. I'm telling you, you can read the cards read the holiday cards you're like congratulations on your big day i got a price check on my nausea twice what do you think about this dude take her over to the home goods you can lay out a bed and some sheets they don't have beds you just have to layer on sheets fitted sheets too so you just have to hold them below her the entire time in the middle of it you're you're hooking sheets fitted sheets too so you just have to hold them below her the entire time in the middle of it you're you're hooking up and she's like you have a condom right and you have to both shuffle with your pants to the condom aisle and then you have to reach for the magnums and you're like nah psych but like could you imagine then you also reach for the

plan being like probably gonna need that all right you know you should probably just go and take this now oh that's incredible. Have you been cheating on me with Alyssa from Aisle 6? No, no, no, no. I don't even know who the fuck she is. You know I'm a Walmart guy. Walmart's just fucking hand jobs. Yeah, Walmart's...

In the tire center. Yeah, the new Walmart commercial's coming out. All right, sweetie. Here at Walmart, we look to satisfy our customers in every way. Meet Jalissa. Jalissa is a professional sex worker hailing from Camden,

New Jersey. Come in here, I'll suck it from the back. Thank you, Jalissa. Oh, Jesus. At least you did it at the end of the podcast. You might have to

keep an eye on that one. I was trying to make a pun for rollback prices and I had nothing. Oh, that's pretty good. Roll over. It's not good. I couldn't think of anything.

Roll over, baby doll. What do you got coming up? Shut up, dude. What do you even care? I got May 18th, Red, White, and Brew. That'll be probably canceled. That's a cricket show. And I just got the message that it's low ticky sales.

So please, if you are, go buy tickets to it. Come hang out. I'll buy you a beer. And then the 21st, I'm doing Naeem Ali's show in eastern Pennsylvania at the Iron Mule. May 19th, big, big show. Punchline Philly. Gary Sharp's debut documentary. And then June.

A bunch of shows got up in June. June, Comedy on the Creek, June 3rd. I'm doing one of Jim Gillespie's running a show, June 16th, The King of Prussia. Nice. We're doing July 4th, or July 6th,

I'll be back, Comedy on the Creek. A bunch of other fun ones, but those are the ones I can think of. Matt People's Comedy on, anyway. Oh, that's it.

All right. Also doing sex work at your local Target. Come say hi, but treat me with respect. I am doing it for money, but I deserve the same respect you would, Sierra, with any other sexual partner. Communicate if you have desires or fetishes.

Communicate that with me, and we can go from there. But, John, you were... Yeah, so anyway, I have a show this Thursday. If you're listening to this, it's probably too late. Sorry. It's a cricket show that didn't get canceled, so suck it, dude. Sure, sure, sure. Well, I shouldn't use it. I wouldn't jinx it there, so suck it, dude. Sure, sure. Well, I shouldn't use it.

I wouldn't jinx it there, but I'll see it. Careful, though. That was the 12th, May 21st at Strange Love Bar. Keith Two Times. It's not Keith Keith or Keith Two X. It's Keith Two Times. Sure. Showcase at Strange Love Bar.

Sounds like a cool bar. Sounds strange. June 24th, Levittown, PA. Sounds like a cool bar. Sounds strange. June 24th, Levittown, PA. Comedy on the Crick. I think I also have a Comedy on the Crick show in July.

Neil Wood's pop-in show sometime in July, possibly. Oh, me too. We might be on the same one. Nice. Cute. Yeah, other than that, Monte Comedy.

Hacks Comedy Golf. It might come back. Who knows? Golf rules. You don't Oh listener If you listened all the way Through the last episode

Thanks for tuning in And thanks for not being mad That we had to edit down Cody Wright's Yeah we're sorry Call It was great The audio exists

So If the page ever comes together If the Patreon ever happens That'll be the first Little nugget you guys get Is the full call Yeah we're trying to get If we could get like

I think it exists I might delete it We can get the full call. Yeah, we're trying to get... If we could get like... I think it exists. I might delete it. We can get like 30 more established listeners. Because we're moving up, kids. If we can get about 30 more, a Patreon may get a little discussion. We'll see. Who knows? Who the hell even knows?

But... Let us know. Let us know if you're listening. If you would listen to a Patreon. If you would give us a dollar a month to hear us tell more giggles. Sure. Let us know. Yeah, and something that I'd like to let you guys know is i watched uh the things that um

i'm putting in obviously air quotes president biden said at um his big phony dinner with the liberal media and hey john how about this thank god the guy finished the damn sentence i'll tell you that. He did kind of crush on the Fox News bit. Yeah, it was killer. They're all vaccinated. Yeah, and he was like, and we made sure that everyone in this building came in to say, hey.

Also, I realize from listening how bad I am at Biden. We can keep going. It's okay. He's like, hey, everyone wants to come in here. You got to be vaccinated. So that means everyone over at the Fox News table

you all got the vaccination he said it way better yeah and crushed and they all just were like ah you got us but you're not our president

like Tucker Carlson got a small cock stop Joe Joe no he's like there's two types of boop

he just goes into a Chrisris rock like the multi-colored thing like he goes we had to go to a quick commercial break and it cuts back to him and he's like and then i told him but uh yeah look, Trump 2024. No fun, nobody, your bubba's kinda little bitter No fun, nobody, your bubba's kinda little bitter No fun, nobody, your bubba's kinda little bitter