The 7 secrets to boost self-confidence - Why is It So Hard to Express Your Feelings and Say "I Love You"?

Starting point is 00:00:00 How to fix emotional distance, why couples drift apart, and how to save your relationship. You love them deeply, but the moment you try to say it, something freezes. What if the problem isn't a lack of love, but a fear you've been carrying around for a long time? Today, we're going to understand why your heart speaks, but your words stay silent. Hello everyone. I want to start this episode with a simple but deeply intimate question. Have you ever just looked at the person you love, truly looked at them, and felt an immense wave of affection rise up inside you.

Starting point is 00:01:01 A warmth in your chest? A smile trying to break through. An urge to reach out and hold. hold their hand, and yet you say nothing. You swallow the words, you look away, you let the moment pass. Maybe out of modesty, maybe out of fear of looking too sensitive, too intense, too vulnerable. Or maybe simply because

Starting point is 00:01:39 words feel ridiculously small compared to the immensity of what you're feeling. Because how do you put something as vast as love into syllables? We are taught so many things in life. We're taught how to succeed in school, how to get a degree, how to optimize our resume, how to negotiate a salary, how to perform. But nobody teaches us how to say, I'm afraid of losing you. You matter more than you know. I need you. I love you. Nobody teaches us how to navigate this inner sea we call vulnerability. And yet, that is exactly where the depth of our relationships is

Starting point is 00:02:28 decided. Why is it so terrifying to say what's on our minds? Why does I love you sometimes get stuck in our throats? Why do these words which are supposed to bring us closer, make us feel like we're putting ourselves in danger. Because saying I love you isn't just uttering three words. It's taking off your armor. It's lowering your shield. It's offering someone else a fragile piece of yourself. And behind that fear, there is often the dread of rejection.

Starting point is 00:03:09 The fear that they won't feel the same way. The fear of being too much. the fear of not being accepted. So we stay silent. We act like it's nothing. We hope the other person will guess. But love isn't always a guessing game. It needs to be spoken. It needs to be shown. It needs to be lived. What's heartbreaking is that the I love you you are holding back is often the key to your own emotional security. What you are, you are heartbreaking, is that the I love you are holding back is often the key to your own emotional security. What you keep locked inside doesn't protect you. It imprisons you. Vulnerability doesn't destroy love. It reveals it. Daring to say how you feel isn't being weak. It's being brave. It's choosing authenticity over control, truth over image, connection over ego. Today, in this episode, we are going to break that silence. We're going to talk about that quiet shame that makes you believe feeling too deeply is a flaw. We're going to talk about that fear of rejection that pushes you to downplay your emotions. But above all, we're going to talk about liberation, about that moment when you decide to be real.

Starting point is 00:04:38 when you choose to say this is how I feel and I don't want to hide anymore because let me tell you after listening to countless men and women talk about their relationships the greatest regrets don't come from loving too much

Starting point is 00:04:55 they come from holding back too much so if you recognize yourself in this silence stay with me together we are going to learn how to transform fear into emotional courage. Welcome to this episode.

Starting point is 00:05:14 The Block. I love you on the inside, but nothing comes out. One, the reality check. There is something extraordinarily paradoxical about love. You can feel an immense love inside, something warm, powerful, almost overflowing. and yet, when you're facing the person you love, when they are standing right in front of you, you talk about the weather, about work, about groceries, about the show you're watching, while on the inside there's a storm of emotions.

Starting point is 00:06:09 Why this disconnect? Why does this inner richness turn into outer silence? This block isn't a lack of love. It's not coldness, it's not indifference. It's usually fear. The paradox. You love deeply, but you hold back. You feel intensely, but you downplay it.

Starting point is 00:06:39 It's as if your heart is screaming. Tell them. Tell them right now. And your mind answers, no, don't overdo it. Calm down. Don't show your cards. So you stay stuck between these two voices, and that moment, which could have become a beautiful memory, becomes just another ordinary moment. Over time, these little silences pile up,

Starting point is 00:07:07 and without realizing it, you start feeling lonely, even when you're together. A gentle but powerful truth. Let me tell you something. Relationships don't die from a lack of love, They usually fade out from a lack of expression. It's not the absence of feelings that creates distance. It's the absence of vulnerability. It's not that you don't love enough. It's that you don't say it enough. And sometimes the silence becomes louder than the love.

Starting point is 00:07:52 Two, the weight of heritage. Education and culture. Modesty isn't always modesty. Sometimes it's fear. Before you believe that you are just broken or blocked, it's important to understand where this block comes from, because very often it's not you. It's what you were taught.

Starting point is 00:08:15 2. The weight of heritage. Education and culture. Modesty isn't always modesty. Sometimes it's fear. Before you believe that you are just broken or blocked, It's important to understand where this block comes from. Because very often, it's not you. It's what you were taught.

Starting point is 00:08:51 Modesty passed down as a virtue. How many times have I heard? In my house, we didn't talk about those things. We didn't say, I love you. We showed it through our actions. And maybe that's your story too. Maybe you come from a family where love was present, present, but silent.

Starting point is 00:09:18 The bills were paid, food was made, people worked hard. They were there, and that was the proof of love. Actions replaced words. So you learned something very early on. Talking about your emotions is useless. Actions are enough. Actions are enough, but let me tell you something important. the utmost respect for your history.

Starting point is 00:09:51 Actions are essential, but they do not replace words. A child needs to be told they are loved. An adult does too. Actions reassure. Words secure. Actions show. Words confirm. And sometimes, in a relationship, one person is acting, while the other is waiting to

Starting point is 00:10:18 here, and both believe they are doing their best, while the void slowly settles in. Why proving it isn't always enough. Imagine a plant. You can give it sunlight, put it in a beautiful pot, protect it from the wind, but if you forget to water it, it will eventually wither. In a relationship, actions are the sunlight. Words are the water. Without words, the heart can begin to doubt. Do I really matter? Are they still choosing me? Am I loved? Or just here? This doubt doesn't come from being needy. It comes from a fundamental human need for emotional security. The pressure to be strong. There's also something else, a deeply rooted belief in our collective mindset. The one who expresses their need is the one asking, and the one asking

Starting point is 00:11:29 is perceived to be in a position of weakness. Maybe you were taught that. Showing you need someone means you're dependent. Saying, I need you, means losing power. Saying I love you first means putting yourself in danger. So you chose restraint, mastery, control. Control. because control gives the illusion of strength. But here is a powerful truth I've observed. True emotional strength is not holding back. It's exposing yourself without losing yourself. The person who dares to say, I care about you, is not weak.

Starting point is 00:12:15 They are aligned. The person who dares to say, I need you, is not dependent. They are aware of their own humanity. An essential realization. If you're struggling to say I love you today, it might not be because you lack love. It might be because you learned that love had to be silent. Maybe because in your culture or your family, vulnerability wasn't valued. But you are no longer the child of that household.

Starting point is 00:12:52 You are an adult capable of choosing a new emotional language. And it starts with a simple question. Do I want to recreate the silence or build a more conscious relationship? Three, the three psychological locks. Why does I Love You get stuck inside? If you feel blocked, it's not an accident. There are invisible locks. three in particular that I see in people all the time, three silent mechanisms that slam the door

Starting point is 00:13:42 shut at the exact moment the heart wants to open. Lock one, the fear of rejection. If I show my heart and they don't react the way I hope, I am left naked. Saying I love you is a big deal. It's offering something incredibly fragile. It's handing over a part of who you are. And behind that declaration, there is often a silent expectation, a look, a smile, an answer back. And what if that answer doesn't come?

Starting point is 00:14:20 What if they change the subject? What if they give a vague response? What if they say nothing? Then your brain starts interpreting, and that interpretation can be brutal. I'm not loved the way I love. I exposed myself for nothing. I made a fool of myself. That is what the fear is. Not just that they won't say I love you back, but that your vulnerability won't be embraced. Rejection isn't just the absence of love. It's the absence of immediate reciprocity. And your nervous system

Starting point is 00:14:56 treats it as a threat. So you prefer to stay protected, covered up, in control. But if you're never willing to be naked, you can never be deeply seen. Lock two, confusing it with debt. If I say I love you, am I forcing them, am I creating pressure? There is a subtle belief here, as if saying I love you creates a debt, as if the other person has to automatically say the same thing back, as if love works like a mandatory mirror. And many people don't dare, to speak, out of fear of making the other person uncomfortable. What if they aren't ready? What if I'm moving too fast? What if I'm creating pressure? So you stay quiet. But here is the truth. An authentic I love you is not a demand. It's a gift. It's sharing. It doesn't say say it

Starting point is 00:16:03 back. It says this is how I feel. Emotional matured, means accepting that the other person might be moving at a different pace without that validating or invalidating your own feelings. Love is not a simultaneous contract. It's a living, breathing movement. Lock three, the shame of vulnerability. I'm going to look corny, too intense, too sensitive. In many couples, communication becomes purely logistical. Gross. kids, bills, schedules. We become an organization team. And as the years go by, emotional language becomes rare.

Starting point is 00:16:54 So when you suddenly try to say, you know, I love you deeply. It can almost feel awkward. Like you're breaking character or disrupting the usual routine. And you might feel an internal cringe. Why am I saying this now? This isn't our style. It sounds weird. Shame creeps in. A little mocking voice inside whispers, You're being ridiculous. This isn't you. Get a grip. But it's not ridiculous. It's alive. What's sad isn't being vulnerable. It's no longer daring to be.

Starting point is 00:17:40 An essential truth. These three locks, rejection, debt, shame, are not proof that you are incapable of loving. They are protection mechanisms. Your brain is trying to save you from pain, but it doesn't understand that a lack of expression creates a different kind of pain, a slower, quieter one, distance, erosion. The we love each other, but we don't say it anymore, phase. Intimacy doesn't vanish overnight. it fades away in tiny doses of silence. Roadblocks, past and social media, measuring the impact of our scars and unrealistic standards.

Starting point is 00:18:51 The shadow of past relationships, the weight of the backpack. When you enter a relationship, you never come alone. You come with your history, your memories, your wounds. your past declarations that were left unanswered, and sometimes you carry an invisible backpack. Inside, there is, and I love you, that was never returned.

Starting point is 00:19:20 A brutal breakup right after you opened up. Someone mocking your sensitivity. A text message left on red. Your brain doesn't forget. The trauma of betrayed vulnerability. When you've already opened your heart and it ended in deep pain, your nervous system memorizes a simple equation. Vulnerability equals danger.

Starting point is 00:19:50 It's not rational. It's biological. The brain hates suffering the same way twice. So it anticipates. It whispers to you. Don't show too much. Slow down. Protect yourself.

Starting point is 00:20:07 And without even rink, realizing it, you associate expressing love with potential humiliation. It's not that you don't love, it's that you've been hurt while loving before. The protection mechanism. There is a very common confusion here. We think we are being cautious, but we are becoming closed off. We think we are being mature, but we are becoming distant. We think we are being strategic, but we are becoming inaccessible. Healthy caution says, I am moving forward mindfully. Closure says, I am no longer opening up today. And often, to avoid suffering like you did yesterday, you stop yourself from loving fully today. It's like refusing to use your wings because you fell once. But the fall doesn't define your

Starting point is 00:21:09 ability to fly. Waiting for the perfect moment, the emotional poker game. There's also this subtle mechanism. You wait. You wait for the other person to prove themselves, to reassure you, to commit first. You wait for them to earn your declaration. So you both watch each other. both calculating, both holding back a little. And the relationship becomes an emotional poker game. Nobody wants to bet first, because betting means taking a risk. But without a bet, there is no win. Love doesn't move forward through strategy. It moves forward through measured courage. The impact of social media, the distorting mirror. We live, in a paradoxical era. We have never talked about love so much, and yet we have never been so

Starting point is 00:22:34 lost in how to express it. The staging of love. Social media shows us perfect couples, public declarations, filmed surprises, musical montages, grand captions. And subconsciously, this creates two extremes. Extreme one, the feeling of inadequacy. You might catch yourself thinking, if I don't do something exceptional, it doesn't count. If I'm not capable of a spectacular declaration, it's just basic. If it's not Instagramable, it's not romantic. But love is not a performance. It doesn't need an audience. It needs truth. And I Love You whispered in a kitchen at 10 p.m. is worth a thousand scripted declarations. Extreme 2. The Devaluation of the Intimate. By seeing love exposed everywhere, simple words end up feeling ordinary. We forget that depth

Starting point is 00:23:57 doesn't make noise. We forget that true intimacy doesn't look for likes. And sometimes you downplay your own words. It's nothing. It's not enough. When it is precisely in simplicity that power lies. The paradox of constant connection. And then there's this modern illusion. You send each other hearts all day, emojis, bit mojis, quick love views written between two notifications. It gives the impression that love is flowing, but sometimes it replaces a real embodied conversation, a look, a voice trembling slightly, a silence heavy with emotion. Emoges don't breathe, they don't tremble, they don't reveal. They symbolize, but they do not replace presence, and deep love needs to be embodied.

Starting point is 00:25:09 An essential realization. Between your past wounds and the unrealistic standards of our time, your ability to say, I love you, is caught in a vice. You are torn between the fear of being hurt and the pressure to be spectacular. So what do you do? You stay silent. But, Silence is not neutral. It protects and it deprives. The difference between shame and vulnerability. Daring to speak means reclaiming your power. There is a confusion we need to clear up. Shame tells you hide yourself. Vulnerability tells you show yourself. Shame contracts. Vulnerability opens. And for a long time, you might have been led to believe that these two things were the same, that showing your heart meant exposing yourself to ridicule. But in reality, vulnerability is not a weakness. It is an act of emotional sovereignty. Daring to say what you feel is not losing control. It is reclaiming your power.

Starting point is 00:26:55 Because as long as you keep your emotions locked away, they are the ones running the show. When you name them, you take the wheel back. Four, naming the feeling to release it. There is something deeply liberating about putting words to an emotion. And it's not just poetic. It's neuroscientific. When you name an emotion, I'm afraid. I feel attached. I love you deeply. You activate your prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain

Starting point is 00:27:34 linked to regulation. And you decrease activity in the amygdala, the center of your emotional alarm system. In other words, putting words to what you feel reduces anxiety. It's like turning on the light in a dark room. The monster was just a chair. The more you keep an emotion vague, the more it consumes you. The more you name it, the more it calms down. Saying I love you doesn't create vulnerability. It was already there. But by naming it, you allow it to breathe. The relief effect. You've probably experienced this before. That moment when you've been holding something back for days. And then, finally, you say it. And even if you're the moment, you've been holding something back for days. And then, finally, you say it. And even if the other person's response isn't perfect,

Starting point is 00:28:33 you can breathe because you're no longer fighting against yourself. Staying silent takes an immense amount of energy. Expressing yourself releases that energy. And sometimes the greatest benefit isn't even the other person's reaction. It's the inner peace you feel. Intent versus action. A lot of people say, but I love them. They know that. Maybe. But loving in silence and loving through expression are two completely different experiences for the person on the receiving end. You can intend to love someone deeply, but if you don't express it, all your partner receives is behavior left up to interpretation. And human beings always interpret. Silence can be perceived as they're pulling away. They're having doubts. They don't feel

Starting point is 00:29:37 the same anymore. Meanwhile, on the inside, you're overflowing. Unexpressed love is invisible, and whatever is invisible makes room for insecurity. Intent isn't enough. Action makes love tangible. Daring to speak is reclaiming your power. When you say, I love you, you matter to me, I need you, you aren't asking for anything, you are declaring it, you are standing in your truth, you are no longer dependent on the silence, you become an active participant in the relationship, and that's when something changes deeply. You stop waiting for them to guess. You choose to show yourself. And that, that is a massive form of emotional maturity. For those of you in a relationship, Levy Holiday Green has designed a guide

Starting point is 00:30:47 just for you. Express Your Love, a practical guide for couples is available right now on Amazon. The struggle is not a lack of love. If you take just one thing away from this episode, let it be this. Your struggle to say I love you is not a lack of love. It's not coldness. It's not an inability to feel. It's not a defect of the heart. It's a wall.

Starting point is 00:31:43 A protective wall. A wall you built one day so you wouldn't get hurt. And back then, maybe it was necessary. Maybe it saved you. Maybe it's what kept you together after a bad breakup, after being mocked, after a rejection. But today, that wall might be protecting you from an old pain, while completely blocking you from experiencing a new intimacy.

Starting point is 00:32:17 And that is the catch. What protected you yesterday might be limiting you today. The struggle you feel says nothing about your capacity to love. It simply says, I learned to protect myself. And when you understand that, the shame disappears. You stop judging yourself. You understand yourself. An understanding is the very first step toward transformation.

Starting point is 00:32:52 A gentle invitation. I'm not asking you, after this episode, to make some grandiose declaration. I'm not asking you to flip your relationship upside down. I'm simply inviting you to do this. Observe. The next time love rises up inside you, don't push it away immediately. Sit with it. Breathe.

Starting point is 00:33:23 And maybe let out just one more. more word than usual, a lingering look, a more sincere phrase. And you matter to me, where there used to be silence. Love doesn't need to be spectacular. It just needs to be real. Autowork and invitation. If what we shared today resonated with you, if you felt even just a little bit some of those locks starting to shift, then remember this. This is only the beginning of the road. And that is excellent news, because it means you are emotionally alive. It means you are ready to grow. It means you are no longer in denial. You are in awareness. You know, you aren't ashamed of not knowing how to cook and having to learn. You aren't ashamed to follow a recipe, to mess up a dish,

Starting point is 00:34:23 to adjust the ingredients, to try again. So why should you be ashamed of not knowing how to express your love and having to learn? Nobody is born a master chef. You become one. By testing things out, by messing up sometimes, by observing, by adjusting. Love is exactly the same thing. It's not just a feeling. It's a relationship skill.

Starting point is 00:34:51 And a skill is something you develop. develop. You build it like a muscle. You learn it. And friends, listen, if what we shared today resonated with you, if you felt even just a little bit, some of those locks starting to shift, then remember this. This is only the beginning of the road. And that is excellent news, because it means you are emotionally alive. It means you are ready to grow. It means you are no longer in denial, you are in awareness. You know, you aren't ashamed of not knowing how to cook and having to learn. You aren't ashamed to follow a recipe, to mess up a dish, to adjust the ingredients, to try again. So why should you be ashamed of not knowing how to express your love

Starting point is 00:35:49 and having to learn? Nobody is born a master chef. You become one. By testing things out, by messing up sometimes. By observing. By adjusting. Love is exactly the same thing. It's not just a feeling. It's a relationship skill.

Starting point is 00:36:13 And a skill is something you develop. You build it like a muscle. You learn it. Many couples don't lack love. they lack the instruction manual. We're taught how to succeed professionally, but rarely how to communicate emotionally. So if you've identified your blocks today, but you don't quite know how to cook this new way of loving yet, Levi Holiday Green has designed a guide for you.

Starting point is 00:36:48 In his book, Express Your Love, a practical guide for couples, available on Amazon. He shares exactly what we explored here. but in a practical real-world version. Inside, you will find simple, actionable tools, guided exercises, scripts to help you dare to speak without the pressure, keys to transforming what you feel on the inside into a visible, secure connection on the outside. It is the practical handbook for anyone who refuses to let their silence

Starting point is 00:37:20 dictate the quality of their love. You can find it right now on Amazon. on. Thank you so much for listening today. Your willingness to show up for these topics is already proof of your emotional maturity. And remember this. Naming your struggle is already the beginning of loving. See you very soon for the next part.

The 7 secrets to boost self-confidence - Why is It So Hard to Express Your Feelings and Say "I Love You"?

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