The 7 secrets to boost self-confidence - Why Is It So Hard to Express Your Love ? (2/2)

Starting point is 00:00:00 Maybe you've felt an immense love for someone before, but the moment you try to say it, something freezes. The words get stuck. What if the problem isn't that you don't love them enough, but that nobody ever taught you how to express it? Today, we're going to understand why saying I love you can be so hard. Book every couple should read together. Express your love, a practical guide for couples by Levy Holiday Green. Strengthen your bond, improve your communication, and create a lasting connection every single day. The book is available right now on Amazon and through selected bookstores and online retailers. If this episode speaks to your heart, the book will help you go deeper with practical exercises, guided reflections, and simple

Starting point is 00:00:56 tools to express love more openly, rebuild emotional connection, and communicate with more confidence in your relationship. Have you ever just looked at the person you love and felt something incredibly powerful inside? A wave of affection, an immense sense of gratitude, a deep urge to tell them how much they mean to you. And yet, just as the words are about to come out, you stay silent.

Starting point is 00:01:38 Or maybe you've tried to say it, but the words came out a bit clumsy, like they didn't quite match what you were actually feeling. And afterward, you might have told yourself, that wasn't exactly what I meant. So you just let the moment pass. This happens much more often than we think. Many people feel love deeply, but struggle to express it. And it's not because they lack love. It's usually because they lack an emotional language. In the previous episode, we talked about those invisible needs we carry into our relationships, those expectations we have but struggle to name. Today, we're going

Starting point is 00:02:24 to go a step further, because even when we know what we're feeling, another hurdle appears, expressing it. Why is it so difficult to say, I love you? Why are we afraid to show our affection? Why does it sometimes feel like our words are too small for the scale of our emotions? In this episode, we are going to explore together, the paradox of love, the fear of vulnerability, the blocks we inherit from our past, and above all, why learning to express love is essential to building a deep relationship. Because the problem in many couples isn't a lack of love. It's love staying silent. There is a strange paradox in love. On the inside, what we feel is immense. But what we manage to say is often microscopic.

Starting point is 00:03:43 Imagine love as an ocean, a deep, vast ocean, filled with emotions, gratitude, tenderness, and the fear of losing the other person. Now, imagine trying to squeeze that entire ocean through a tiny pipe. That is exactly what happens when we try to express how we feel. Our emotions are massive, but our words feel tiny. And this disconnect creates a very specific kind of frustration. Because deep down, you know that what you feel is so much bigger than what you're able to say. A very simple scene. Picture a completely ordinary situation. You're with your partner one evening. Maybe you're in the kitchen. Maybe you're watching a movie together.

Starting point is 00:04:42 And at some point, you look at them. You feel this wave of gentleness. A thought crosses your mind. I'm truly happy to share my life with this person. It's a simple moment, but deeply sincere. You could say, you know, I love you. But instead, you say, do you want some tea? The conversation moves on, the moment passes, and that beautiful emotion stays locked inside. Why does this happen so often? Because many people feel a sort of internal pressure, the pressure to say the perfect thing. We tell ourselves, if I'm going to say something,

Starting point is 00:05:31 It has to be truly beautiful. It has to be profound. It has to match the depth of what I feel. And since words always feel too small, we end up saying nothing at all. We wait for the perfect moment, the ideal moment, the romantic setting, the moment where everything aligns. But that perfect moment almost never comes. And in the meantime, love remains silent. The fear of the ordinary word.

Starting point is 00:06:08 Sometimes it's not even the fear of rejection. It's simply the fear of being cliche or ordinary. We think saying, I love you, just like that, in the kitchen, isn't very romantic. So we stay silent. But here is an important truth. In real life, love isn't lived out in scripted, perfect. scenes. It lives in ordinary moments, in a glance, in a simple phrase, in a word whispered in the middle of a normal day. And often, those simple words are far more powerful than grand declarations.

Starting point is 00:06:57 Exercise, becoming aware of the paradox. Here is the first bonus of this episode. I want to offer you a Quick exercise. I'm going to ask you a very simple question. Take a few seconds to really think about it. When was the last time you felt a rush of love for your partner? But you chose not to express it. Maybe because it didn't feel like the right time. Maybe because you thought it's not that important. Or maybe because you simply let the moment pass. This happens much more than we realize. And this tiny gap between what we feel and what we express is one of the reasons why so many couples can feel a little lonely, even when they love each other deeply. In the next section, we're going to go even deeper, because behind this silence,

Starting point is 00:07:58 there is often something more profound, the shame of vulnerability. Why saying I love you can sometimes make you feel completely exposed, and why that vulnerability can be so hard to accept. If the first hurdle is finding words that are good enough, the second hurdle is usually deeper. It touches something deeply human, vulnerability. Because saying I love you isn't just a phrase. It's an unveiling. It's a way of saying, you can touch me, you can reach me, you matter to me. And for a lot of people, that feels dizzying. Stripping down, the off button.

Starting point is 00:09:06 There's an image I use a lot. When you say, I love you, or when you express sincere affection, it's as if you're giving the other person access to your inner security, like you're symbolically handing them an off button. It's not that they are going to use it maliciously, but your brain perceives it as, if I open up, I can get hurt. And that's where the battle is fought, because in your nervous system, love isn't just sweet.

Starting point is 00:09:37 It can feel like a risk. The fear of rejection, and above all, the fear of silence. We often think the fear is that the other person will say no, but many people don't actually fear a no. They fear something more subtle and sometimes more painful. Silence. You say something tender and they don't really respond. Or they change the subject. Or they crack a joke to brush it off.

Starting point is 00:10:13 And on the inside, you feel completely exposed. You tell yourself, why did I say that? I should have kept my mouth shut. I made myself look ridiculous. That is where shame is born. Not the shame of loving, but the shame of being seen in a moment of fragility. Limiting beliefs. And because your brain wants to protect you, it builds beliefs, inner narratives,

Starting point is 00:10:49 sometimes very old ones, that turn into rules. If I express too much, I lose control. If I say what I feel, I become dependent. If I need affection, it means I'm weak. They should just know without me having to say it. These beliefs serve a purpose. They save you from the discomfort of being exposed.

Starting point is 00:11:16 But they come with a price. They stop love from flowing. They create a relationship where emotions stay locked up. And the longer they stay locked up, the heavier they get. The beauty of awkwardness. I want to tell you something very important here. A lot of people freeze because they want to be perfect. They want the perfect line, the perfect tone. But the truth is, real love is rarely perfect. It's often awkward. And that is exactly what makes it so moving.

Starting point is 00:11:57 Because when someone tells you, I love you with a little hesitation, you know, you know, No, it's not an act. It's not a performance. It's not a rehearsed script. It's real. Clumsiness, at times, is the purest proof of sincerity. Practical exercise. Identify your belief. Here is the second bonus of this episode. I have a simple exercise for you. Take a few seconds. What is the primary belief that is blocking you? Complete this sentence. I don't express my love because if I ask for affection, it loses its value. If I say it, I'll end up disappointed. If I open up, I'll lose my dignity, trampled or used if I show too much.

Starting point is 00:13:08 If I'm tender, I'll be mocked. These beliefs serve a purpose. They save you from the discomfort of being exposed. But they come with a price. they stop love from flowing. They create a relationship where emotions stay locked up. And the longer they stay locked up, the heavier they get. Where do these blocks come from?

Starting point is 00:13:51 If you feel like you're blocked when it comes to expressing love, I want you to hear this. This block is not a defect. It's usually an inheritance, a conditioning, a way of emotionally surviving in an environment where love didn't flow freely. Because we don't learn to love just with our hearts. We also learn from what we saw, from what we received, and from what we didn't receive. Family Heritage, how did love flow in your house?

Starting point is 00:14:30 Ask yourself a simple question. In your family, how was love shown? Did people say, I love you? Did you hug each other? Was tenderness expressed? Did people talk about emotions? Or was love implicit? Silent, present, perhaps, but rarely put into words. Some families have an abundant, natural, visible affection. In others, love exists, but it is reserved, held back, almost guarded. And sometimes it's not modesty. It's a form of protection passed down from generation to generation, as if emotion needs to be kept private and contained. Love as a resource or as a reward. Here is a second very important question. When you were a child, was love a stable resource or a reward. In some stories, a child feels loved no matter what they do.

Starting point is 00:15:43 They can fail, they can make mistakes, they can be imperfect. They are still loved. In other stories, a child senses that love depends on something, on their achievements, their behavior, their grades, how quiet they are, their ability to not be a bother. And right there, a lesson is left. learned. You learned that love must be earned. You learn to be careful, not to ask for too much, not to express too much, because too much could cost you. And this type of upbringing often creates

Starting point is 00:16:21 adults who love sincerely, but remain highly cautious in how they express it. The economy of affection, counting your sweet words. Sometimes, without realizing it, you treat love. You treat love. love like a limited resource, as if you need to budget it, as if saying I love you too often will strip away its value. So you count your kind words. You save them for a special occasion. You hold them back out of fear that they'll run out or that they'll become too easy. But the reality is love isn't a battery that drains when you use it. It's quite the opposite. it. The more you express it, the more it circulates, and the stronger it gets. Emotional illiteracy. When you weren't taught the language. I want to name something fundamental here. Many adults

Starting point is 00:17:28 don't lack love. They lack an emotional vocabulary. We are taught how to read, write, and do math, but we are rarely taught how to say, I am deeply moved. I'm touched. I'm terrified of losing you. I need to be reassured. I feel fragile right now. And when you haven't learned those words, you can experience a storm on the inside

Starting point is 00:17:57 without knowing how to translate it to the outside. That is what I call emotional illiteracy. You feel, but you don't know how to articulate. So you stay silent, or you get angry, Or you become sarcastic, or you shut down. Not because you were a bad person, but because nobody ever taught you this language. Wounds and culture. The emotional armor.

Starting point is 00:18:32 And then there are the wounds, the past, because maybe you did try to love out loud before, and you were betrayed, mocked, rejected. So your brain did its job. It put on armor. And that armor can disguise itself as distance, control, or coldness. But on the inside, it isn't coldness. It's fear. There was also culture, gender, and environment.

Starting point is 00:19:04 Many grew up with messages like, men don't open up. Crying is weak. Expressing yourself means you're dependent. Or a woman must be strong and carry it all. The deeper those messages are rooted, the harder expression becomes. Practical exercise. Tracing it back to the source. Here is the third bonus of this episode. I want to suggest a very simple but incredibly powerful exercise. Take a moment. Ask yourself this question. When was the first time you realized that saying how you felt could be dangerous or useless?

Starting point is 00:19:50 It could be a scene with a parent, a comment you overheard, a moment you were humiliated, a breakup where you bared your soul, only to be abandoned. Don't look for the perfect answer. Just look for the first memory that surfaces, because that is often where your lock was forged. And as long as you don't see the origin, you just assume that's just the way I am, when in reality, you just adapt it. Now, if you understand where your block comes from, there is an essential question. Why is it so important to name it?

Starting point is 00:20:35 Why does expressing it change everything in a relationship? Why can saying, this is hard for me, but I love you, become an act of healing. That is what we're going to look at next. Why naming it matters. If you've understood one thing so far, it's that your block isn't weird. It makes sense. It has a history. And now comes the most important part. Why is it so essential to name it? Why does putting it into words shift the entire dynamic of a couple? Your partner is not a mind reader. There is a belief that causes an immense amount of damage in

Starting point is 00:21:45 relationships, a silent belief that seems romantic on the surface, but, but is destructive in reality. If they really loved me, they would know. As if love grants telepathic powers. But your partner does not have access to your inner world. They don't see your fear when you go silent. They don't see your tenderness when you deflect the conversation. They don't see the massive emotion you're feeling if you keep it locked away.

Starting point is 00:22:14 They only see the outside. And the outside can sometimes look like detachment. like indifference, or like a coldness that isn't real but is interpreted that way. You cannot solve a problem you haven't named. And in a relationship, silence is a language, but it's a blurry one, a language that everyone translates in their own way. Handing over the decoder ring to your silence, when you say nothing, your partner has to guess,

Starting point is 00:22:50 and guessing is exhausting, guessing breeds insecure, Guessing eventually creates worst-case scenarios. They don't love me anymore. They're drifting away. I'm not enough for them. Biasies. When sometimes the truth is entirely different. The truth is simply,

Starting point is 00:23:10 I have a hard time expressing my love, but I feel it deeply. Mandate. Naming that is giving your partner a decoder ring. It's like saying, don't translate my silence as a lack of love. My silence is fear, it's awkwardness, but my love is right here.

Starting point is 00:23:32 And that is immensely reassuring. An act of love for yourself and for them. There is a very simple phrase that can transform a relationship. I'm going to say it slowly because it holds power. I have a hard time telling you that I love you, but I feel it. This phrase does two things at once. First, it respects you. It respects your pace, your history, and your blocks.

Starting point is 00:24:12 Second, it respects your partner, because it gives them clear information. It pulls them out of confusion. It stops them from filling the blanks with fear. It is an act of love toward yourself, and it is an act of love toward them. The learning process? It's not innate, but it is sincere. A lot of people think, if it were sincere, it would come naturally. But that's false. Just because something isn't second nature doesn't mean it isn't real. A child isn't born knowing how to speak. And yet when they're they learn, their words are entirely real. Expressing love is the exact same thing. If you grew up without an emotional vocabulary, you have to learn a language nobody ever taught you. And learning a language requires practice, repetition, and immense self-compassion. Practical exercise,

Starting point is 00:25:27 the letter to yourself. Here is the fourth bonus of this episode. I want to propose a very simple but truly profound exercise. Take a piece of paper or open a note on your phone and write a letter to yourself. Not to publish it, not to send it, just for you. In this letter, answer just one question. What blocks me the most when I try to express my love? Write without censoring yourself, even if it's messy, even if it's awkward, even if it's not beautiful. What you don't dare to say to the other person is often what you need to hear within yourself first. The goal isn't to write perfectly. It's to listen to yourself.

Starting point is 00:26:18 Then end with a sentence of support to yourself. For example, I understand why this is hard. I don't have to judge myself. I am learning. I am making progress. And if you want to go deeper with guided exercises, practical tools, and real-world scripts to work through as a couple,

Starting point is 00:26:45 you will find them all in the book, Express Your Love, a practical guide for couples by Levy Holiday Green. Levy Holiday Green is an author, podcaster, and personal development and motivation. He creates practical sales. help guides to help readers build confidence, self-esteem, emotional intelligence, and relationships. His approach combines reflection, guided exercises, and supportive coaching, allowing each reader to

Starting point is 00:27:18 move at their own pace toward a more aligned life. Levy Holiday Green's books are designed as transformational companions. They aren't just meant to be read, but to be filled out, lived through, and used as a guide for your personal growth. Friends, and that brings us to the end of this episode. Because deep down, the question isn't, why am I like this? The real question is, am I ready to learn a new way of loving? If you recognized yourself in this episode, remember this. It's not that you lack love.

Starting point is 00:28:02 It's just that sometimes you lack the word. the method and the roadmap. Understanding your blocks is already a massive step forward, but what truly transforms a relationship is action, knowing what to say, how to say it, and how to express your love without the pressure or the awkwardness. That is exactly why Levy Holiday Green wrote, Express Your Love, a practical guide for couples. Inside, you'll find ready to use tools, exercises, and scripts to take you from I feel it to I show it. The book is available right now on Amazon. And never forget, naming your struggle is already the beginning of loving.

The 7 secrets to boost self-confidence - Why Is It So Hard to Express Your Love ? (2/2)

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