The Adam and Dr. Drew Show - #2084 - White House Correspondence Dinner Ends in CHAOS!!! | Part 2

Episode Date: May 1, 2026

 Adam brings up the new Hulk Hogan documentary and reflects on what he sees as a lack of drive in younger generations compared to the past. He emphasizes the importance of ambition and persistence, then lightens things up by introducing Rudy to Jimmy Carter’s brother’s infamous “Billy Beer.” Adam also shares a rant about a recent trip to Whole Foods in Malibu—specifically his disdain for cherry tomatoes—before reacting to controversy surrounding San Francisco’s public transportation. The episode wraps with one of Adam’s more outrageous ideas: a proposed annual competition to measure the size of every American man’s unit.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Recorded live at Corolla 1 Studios with Adam Carolla and board certified physician and addiction medicine specialist Dr. Drew Pinsky. You're listening to The Adam and Dr. Drew Show. Yeah, get it on. Got to get on. I was going to say Dr. Drew, but Rudy's here, buddy. Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy.

I was watching the Hulk Hogan pick. Yeah. Four part series, whatever. It's all good. Love it all. And like something we don't talk about, but we should be talking about it, but no one ever really talks about it. It's always like a lot of halves and have-nots and people, you know, they just want to step up, but they don't want to hand out, but they need help, you know, because everyone's struggling and all that kind of stuff.

And it's like Hulk Hogan has a motor. And you can just watch the four-part series, and you can just see the guy's motor. motivated. Like he's just motivated. And he's motivated physically, like when you see him in the ring, like literally the expression of energy after he wins is sort of jumping up and down and like throwing his hands around and going as like bananas as you can. So, you know, that's part of the act. But then there's the behind the scenes part where he's practicing and working out. And, you know, he's motivated, you know. And I don't know. anyone with a real high capacity motor that's struggling. They all seem to figure it out because they have a big motor. There's a motor problem in this country. It's not a rich versus poor problem. It's like it's a fucking motor problem.

And nobody wants to ever talk about it. First off, young dudes move like fucking molasses. They just fucking on a cold day. Like they're all like, something's going on. microplastics, I don't know, too much weed, whatever, coddled, phones, phones, porn. I mean, it's probably a combination of about 80 things, but people who have a motor fucking move and then they get shit done and then there's everybody else.

And you can overcome any societal anything. Like when you do that thing which, you know, it's harder for women to get ahead in a corporate setting, you know, or as a man of color, your motor will blow. blow that shit all out of the water. Even there's people like disabilities or missing a limb or have some sort of Epstein bar or something. If you've got a fucking motor, you will crush all of the naysayers and all of the whatever.

Or, but if you don't have a motor, then there's no amount of goodwill or government intervention that's ever going to fucking work. And I studied my family. And none of them ever worked a Saturday in their entire life. And I was thinking about working almost all Saturdays for me. And then I was like, how come none of them ever? Because they had no motor. And the reason when my parents died, they left me nothing is because they never had a fucking motor.

The people that have motors will have things to leave behind. And by the way, it doesn't have to be millions of dollars in Bitcoin. It can be a fucking motorcycle and dune buggy in a hunting cabin or something. They had something. You know what I mean? Yeah. My dad was never around, but the one thing he gave me was creativity. I will say that.

That was the only thing that he actually gave me. And when you talk about... Your dad was creative? Super creative. Great. Like, that guy could sit down at a potter's wheel and make you like an entire T-set in an afternoon. It was beautiful. Like, you would buy it out of a store.

He was a great guitar player. He was really good creatively. he just couldn't get his shit together, and he was an addict on top of it. So you add those two things in with not being able to hold down a job because of your addiction, and you got basically a shitless lay about is what he turns into. But talking about the motor stuff, I was at a comedy club last weekend. There was a kid in the back who was the food runner. Nice kid.

I saw him in the back of the kitchen area on my way to the green room. And he said, hey, man, are you the comic? I said, yeah, I'm one of them. And he goes, oh, are you a comic? He's like, oh, you're working here? Yeah, work here. It's great. Oh, wow. Working here at the club, that must be awesome. Yeah, it's great. Three days we were at that club. We did a total of five shows. Every time I walked into the kitchen, that guy was sitting on his phone on a chair in the back of the room, not watching the comics, not being like, hey, can I, what else more can I do? Hey, do you mind if I ask you a couple questions? Can I run? Never. And I just thought, well, we're going to come back here in 10 years, and I'll still see you sitting on that goddamn chair, dude. Yeah. So there's definitely a thing going on with young men, and it could be like, look, it's not like, oh, they're lazy. There's something biological happening. And there's also sort of a spiritual thing happening. And it's a combination of like seven probably contributing factors. We're now living in a society where everything is easy. Everything is, it's not hard anymore.

Yeah. But then there's. say microplastics part of this too, because how do you account for low sperm counts and things like that. But if you have a motor and you look at young Hulk Hogan, he's out with a motor. And by the way, boy, you used to be able to parent differently back then. His dad was like, hey, Hulk, you want to be a wrestler? Yeah, don't come home. That's how. You like playing that bass guitar. sleep in a trailer. Yes.

Literally, like, you do what I say or you go sleep somewhere else, which is awesome. He used to be able to do that kind of stuff. And he never gave it up, like well into his 70s. He was still out there hawking beer, and I'm going to put my face on the side of the can, and I'm going to be that guy, and it never goes away if you got it. We're talking about my dad now or Hulk? Yeah, of course. Jim Carolla is a real American beer.

Yeah, or Jimmy Carter's brother had beer. Did you know that? Really? I didn't know that. You're just too young to have missed the Billy Beer. I think we can look at a... Billy Carter's... Billy Carter had a brother that was out of a sitcom. He was like...

Jimmy Carter had a brother named Billy. I'm sorry, Billy Carter. Jimmy Carter had a brother named Billy Carter. And Billy Carter was what... it was like there's Matthew McConaughey and then his brother, Rooster. Looks like John Candy. Look at that guy. Yeah.

So Rooster McConaughey is the real live out-of-control version of Matthew McConaughey, right? And Billy Carter was that guy. Love this guy. And he had Billy Beer, which is crazy. Yeah. Right? Now, I think if he did that to Clinton, Clinton would just have you killed, I'm assuming, like if his brother started showing up drunk depressers. You know what I mean?

Yeah, he got drunk off of Billy Beer and smashed his car into a tree. We don't know how it happened. But Billy Carter, I mean, Jimmy Carter lived to like 101. Billy Carter must not have seen a 75th birthday. They had the same genes, you know what I mean? And so like one guy liked to party. Oh, Roger Clinton. I forgot about Roger Clinton.

That's right. When did Billy Carter die? We can figure that out. So the point is, is Hulk Hogan had a fucking motor. He did shit. He didn't just hang out waiting for people to tell him what to do and then go back and stare at his phone in the back of the kitchen. He fucking had a motor.

And we talk about like who you know and nepotism and. and head starts and growing up on the wrong side of the tracks. We never talk about motor. The motor is going to cure everything. Motor cures all. Yeah. And I always, he died in 88. He died 30 years before his brother.

I mean, more than 30 years before his brother. So he liked to party, I guess. So it was like 12. Yeah, I mean, he died more than 35, 37 years. before his brother. There's a study or an interesting story that I saw that I always equate to this, but no one cares, but I haven't mentioned a while, so I will. It bothered me that when they had the kind of drug-sniffing dogs or the dogs at the airport,

the dogs that sniffed out things, I would see all different breeds of dogs, and they would use all different breeds of dogs to sniff things out. I mean, there's bloodhounds, but when it comes to just like sniffing out stuff that's coming across the border, they would use all different dogs. And I saw a different breeds. And I saw a story of it on it once on one of those 2020 Friday night news shows or something. And I was watching it. And the guy was going, yeah, we go get all different kinds of dogs.

And we get them from the pound and we just train them up. And I was like, oh. but isn't there one dog better than the other dog for sniffing stuff out? And they're like, we get the enthusiastic dog. So we go to the pound and some dogs are just sleeping in the corner and they look up at you and they go back to sleep. And then other dogs are yapping and bouncing around and up on their feet. And it goes, those are the dogs.

Wow. Yeah. Because they're going to do it. It's not the breed. It's the energy. Yeah. And I was like, I think humans are kind of that way too. Like I'd rather have the energetic ones.

Yeah. You know, there's a saying, like in stand-up where they say this business does not promote talent. It promotes hard work and it promotes risk. And it really does, that crosses the board for everything in life, not even just for stand-up. It is everything in life. If you can show up a little bit before everybody and leave a little after everybody and get shit done in between, man, that is a recipe for success. So on another subject, I was at the Whole Foods in Malibu, which sounds. Hoidy, damn toido. Look at you, Carolla. You made it.

It sort of sounds like Ted Nugent is threatening you. Like he can go like, while I'm out hunting and bow hunting and cleaning, making venison steaks, Europe. The goddamn Whole Foods in Malibu, the gay friends. I'm stuffing an elk and you're stuffing your face, you fat bastard. Right. But I was at the Whole Foods in Malibu. and I fucking hate all these miniature little tomatoes. I didn't like the grape tomatoes or the mini tomatoes or whatever they were back in the day. And now there's 15 different strains of them and they all suck.

A lot of people say they like them, but they don't. They're just last long, so you can keep in the fridge for like three months. And they look good. But they're not a fucking Roma tomato or beefsteak tomato. They're not good. They just look nice, so it kind of fooled chicks into it. But, and I don't know. And Andrew, the only smart thing he's ever said in his life is he doesn't like those

fucking mini tomatoes. That's the only time we've ever agreed on anything ever is he doesn't like those little, what did they call them 25 years ago? They're like grape tomatoes. Yeah, grape tomatoes, baby tomatoes. They're fucking horrible. Now there's like 30 different kinds. and they've been pushing it.

Now, the little grape ones, you, I didn't like them because the skin was sour. Weird. And it was tough and it was just full of pus. And I was like, why is this preferable to aroma tomato? I don't get it. Like, I want a big slab of tomato on my burger. I don't want this fucking grisly, hard, sour little thing.

The, they, they must last. a beefsteak tomato doesn't last that long. These things must last 10 times as long. But it's the names. I was at the market and I was looking at these things. And when you hear the name, this is how you know they're full of shit. This is how you know they're lying. And by the way, I've said it a million before.

All the people and all the organizations that are ripping everyone off now are always like first step forward learning center and angel hearts. Healthy for all health. Yeah, just all the bullshit titles to try to steal money from you. Angel Sweet, it's the name of the first one I came up upon. And by the way, it's a little fucking red, hard bebe that tastes like shit. It doesn't even resemble the flavor. If you close your eyes, you wouldn't know you're eating a tomato. Oh, yeah.

It's a fucking rock hard little, it's a kidney stone that they named Angel Sweet. dumb chicks would put it on their fucking salads and ruin the fucking salad. Yeah, if you suck on stage, those are the tomatoes you don't want to get hit with. They'll take an eye out. They'll put a hole in you. Yeah, you'll bleed out. What's the next one called? Right next to it.

That's great. Sugar bombs. Flavor rocks. Yeah, except if you don't have any fucking flavor, you're useless. You're useless. You're useless. And you go look through, I think I even did one more. When you go,

look through all, you go online and look for these things. They all have like angel breath and sweetie peas and little numby tums. Nummy tums. Wild wonders, gourmet. It's a wild wonder of shitty fucking tomatoes that were never broken, but that lasts long because they have a leathery, hard, sour skin on them. Fuck you and your euphemistic bullshit. And by the way, I don't trust y'all.

They do the same with apples. Now, listen to me, I know people like apples. Apples are fine. But they're not a papaya or mango or a nectarine. That's fucking watermelon. They're not any of that. They're just kind of the baseline. You know what the apple is?

It's the Toyota Camry of fruit. It'll get you to work and back. Fine. The red delicious. Let's not lump honey crisp into this. Honey, Chris. Like all the names. All the names.

You know what? But then there's a nectarine. Well, that's just called nectar. That sounds like his name of a black kid with a learning syndrome or something. An apostrophe ecterine. Right. That sounds like a chick set behind you in the ninth grade. Okay.

No euphemistic title for the one that fucking does it. You know what I mean? Like there's no first steps forward learning center. there's none of the little honey, angel, heaven, nothing. There's no bullshit. Banana, banana. No fucking names. No euphemistic bullshit.

Listen, I'm telling you, the euphemistic bullshit is an extension. That's all Kamala Harris was, is I dream of a world where everybody has a seat at the table. More fucking bullshit titles that do fucking nothing. But with a subpar product, the product is subpar. The tomatoes that work are fine. You guys brought up a bunch of shitty tomatoes that nobody fucking wants, and you try to sell them to dumb women with dumb euphemistic titles. That's what's going on.

And I was at a batting cage once with Jimmy. And because when we were done with doing radio, like, you know how it is. Like noon. Was it called like sweet swings batting cages or anything? No, no. Didn't have a nice euphemistic name? No. Those places are just called Johnny's Batting Cage because people want to go to the Batting Cage.

We don't need to fool you into going to the Batting Cage. People want to fucking take some swings, right? So Jimmy and I back when, like, you know, it was an inous, it was a more innocent time. But we would finish work at, like, noon. And in morning radio, you're done. I mean, Jimmy got there four in the morning. He's done now at noon. And we go, let's go the Batting Cage on a Tuesday.

because what the fuck? Where else are we going? And we went to the batting cage, the one in Sherman Oaks, and we went to the arcade. And the arcade had a video game, and it was called Violence Fight. And the reason it was called Violence Fight is it was made in China. And somebody said, what would be a good English name for this? And that's why you get all the fluffy when the Somalis and the Armos are opening.

is that's why you get angel soft learning center, stuff like that. They take stupid names that they go, Merrick. Because violence fight makes sense if you don't speak English. You go, just look up. It's an action. Yeah. That's it there, huh?

Yeah. It's an action video game where people kick ass, but we want to sell it to the round eyes. So what do we do? Well, violence, that's good. Fight, all right, put them together. They just don't know we don't talk that way. Yeah.

Sometimes you just have to call things exactly what they are. You don't need to get cute. Like, every time I see a movie and it's, you know, it's called whatever it is. It's called like, protagonist. You're like, okay, great. But then if you really call it what it is, if you were to just say, a guy is trying to get his daughter back, I'd watch that movie much more than I would watch protagonists. Just tell me what it is.

This is why I love the toaster oven, Rudy. It's exactly what it does. Right there. It's all the title. What's it do? It's an oven that does some toasting. It does some toasting. Yeah.

It's all it is. It's all you need. All right. Take a quick break. Be right back after this. Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows. We're coming at you with everything we got. This is the mindset.

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Pluto TV is always free. Hazzaw. Pluto TV, stream now. Pay never. Tomatoes. Chicks will argue for those tomatoes, but the chicks are arguing for the aesthetic and the name. They're not really arguing for the flavor.

And by the way, restaurants, even steakhouses stuff, have all copped out and started putting these on salad instead of regular tomato, which fucking sucks now. Yeah. And I ordered like barata cheese where we get the barata. and the big wheel of beefsteak, and it came with these fucking little hard bitches. Oh, sure.

Yeah, the thing is when you bite into one and it pops, and then you get, like, the mushy stuff. That's pus. That's why I don't like gushers. That's why I don't like the candy. I hate, just gave me a Snickers bar. Yes, and not only, but it's not just that, because they're cutting them in half and throwing them on.

It's just a chewy, little sour sort of non. It's a non-play. Yeah. It has no business in a fucking salad. Slice of a room with that salt and pepper. That's all you need. It's the best, isn't it? It's the best.

No, I'll tell you what the best is. You get barata cheese. Then you get a nice big fat fucking couple of wheels of beefsteak tomato. I'm talking as big around as that coaster and 3 eighths thick. And you put that down on the plate. Little salt, little pepper, a little bit of olive oil, a little bit of bals. Alasomic vinegar and you're fucking done. Blow the doors off that place.

Those little fucking BBs are for shit. I will sugar bomb that toilet later. I can't wait. That is a fucking mess. You know what it is? It's this generation's passion fruit iced tea. It's like we never asked for it. We never fucking wanted it.

Nobody wants iced tea wants passion fruit and nobody wants tomatoes. These little fucking bebees. But they're cheaper. They got a good name. passion fruit and sweet, sweet little sugar bombs, and full dumb people, and the restaurant pushes it on you. Yeah, at some point, they should really try to look at history and go, Pepsi tried this with crystal clear Pepsi and look where that is these days.

People ain't drinking that. We need something that we can hang our hats on, and it's not going to be passion fruit iced tea. All right, so we hate little tomatoes. You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to bring one of those caliper things that they use when they're crab fishing. Oh, I thought you meant like a measuring, yeah, you measure the length, yeah. They just have a template thing. Oh, sure.

And I'd just sit in the restaurant and I'd go, this is my tomato size. Oh, yeah. I got to throw it back. Oh, sure. It's too small. Too small, yeah. Yeah. Let's try to fit it in this woman's mouth.

If it can go into her mouth, we throw it back. It's not big enough here. Right. This is wrist rocket material. This ain't eat material. Yeah. They should sell those things. children, just let them ping them off the side of vehicles.

Because if you hit a vehicle with an apple, that guy's stopping. You hit a vehicle with one of those little tomatoes. It might not make as big of a sound, but it'll leave a dent. We used to have green walnuts on a crazy tree and we used to fire those out of a wrist rocket. I had a black walnut tree in my yard that just, man, coming out of the, literally out of the slingshide, they would slice right past your hand. You can feel the wind off it? Yeah.

Do you have a wrist rocket? Yeah, so I had the wrist rocket. and then my grandfather had the old school Y stick. It was almost like Dennis the Menace style. Yeah. And he was the first one that gave one to me. And then when somebody saw that I had one of those old school ones, they were like, we got to bump you up. So they gave me, it's got the Y stick, but then it's got the thing that comes around.

It's got the brace that goes in the forearm. Yeah, it's a wrist rocket. Yeah. And that's when the trouble really started around Hibbing, Minnesota. Wrist rocket was a fucking weapon, and I made, God, I used to try to make slingshots. Like you'd have to find the branch with the Y in it, and you'd have to cut it and skin it, you know, and whittle it down and put the notches in it. It never quite worked out, but the wrist rocket was killer, man.

Yeah. You ever in school, we used to take a rubber band and we'd hold it on our thumb and our pointer finger, and we'd run it across, and then you'd take a piece of paper, like you would roll it up, and then you would fold it like this, and you'd stick it in between that thing, and you would pull it back, and when you let that thing fly, you'd hit somebody right in the ass, and you could hear it down the hallway, just...

I think we used to do that with paper clips. Really? Yeah, because we just had pieces of paper. You could open a paper clip a little and pull it back and do the same. Oh, yeah. You can get that out of a paper clip. And also, people used to do something in school called gleaking. Yeah.

When did that happen? Yeah. Under the tongue. Gross. They go like, ugh. Like this weird gland would shoot weird saliva out. Yeah. I was always, because I chewed a lot when I was a kid, you know, like 12 years old in Minnesota.

We grew up on Copenhagen and, you know, Codiak. And then as I got older, I got rid of it. But I noticed recently, I still, every once in a while, get the habit. And I'm just like, I'll be walking down the street. I'll take a walk at night. And I'll realize I've spat like 15 times on this walk for no reason. Oh, really? Yeah.

You really got to hold it in because it is a disgusting habit. So gross. I don't know how to lugie, by the way. I had friends that lugied. I can't. I didn't have the mucus. Oh. Is it because of the deviated septum or what?

I just, other people would summon a fucking big oaster up, and I couldn't do it. And it was a weapon with my friends. What about the guys that could hang it about three feet from the ground and then suck it back in? You ever seen those dudes? Oh, yeah. Gross, man. Too much. It's great skill to have, but too gross.

skill to have. Yes. Yeah. All right. The next thing, the San Francisco Bart thing, I don't know if I think I highlighted something, but it's kind of the reason I bring it up is there is a problem in this country. And now we listen to Molly Ringwald on the last show, but there's a bigger problem than even what Molly's tapped into. which is the solution for problems, which is on the left, is a weird way to find a solution. So meaning most of it and a lot of it is changing the names of things, which is weird. So you go, we have homeless people. These are unhoused neighbors.

All right, problem solved. You know, like first things first, changing a name to Honey Angel tomato or violence fight or whatever, whatever, maximum smart learning center or something like that. It doesn't make any product come out at all. It's just a fucking name. Yeah. I mean, you could, Chuck could enter the UFC with the nickname the Definistrator or something like that.

But it doesn't mean he's not going to get beat by a guy named Glenn. with no nickname who just happens to be good at what he does. Yeah. So there's a weird thing with naming. That's the first thing they do. The second thing they do is this approach to problem solving, which is there are too many people ripping off too many Californians with too many hospice care places. That's a big problem. Well, don't look into it and then it won't be a problem.

And they do that with everything, which is a weird thing. Like they go, there's too many black men in prison. Well, don't arrest them. Okay. Better yet get rid of the cops. Then we won't have this problem with too many black guys in prison. And they'll literally do it. They'll go, there's a lot of black and brown kids that aren't doing math at grade level.

Get rid of the test score. Or make them different for those guys, like lower them for those guys. Not enough for getting into UCLA. Well, push them into UCLA, throw some Asians out. Yeah, but their test scores will lower the stupid test score for them so we can get them in. So it's a bizarre. I always tell everyone it's like your car's not running right and it's gummed up and the carburetors need to be rejeted and everything else. And it's maxing out at 35 miles an hour.

So you're going along the freeway instead of overhauling the engine, you just break the glass on the speedometer and you point the arrow up to 70 and you go fix the problem because I don't want to deal with pulling the engine apart, right? So that is kind of their approach to things. And they do it like, well, there's too many guys, you know, there's people shooting up and drug deals. Well, give them the fentanyl, give them the needles then. Like everything is this bizarre way of you going, you got like a molar that's impacted

and you got some wisdom teeth that need to come out and you got a few cavities. Really? Or you can not take an x-ray and I can get about my life. Sure. Right. So it's all kind of about punishing,

you know, kids are morbidly obese. We're going to give them some body positive name and then yell at people who say anything about their weight. Like it's a, it is a way of approaching a problem that is patently insane and could never come close to solving the problem. And the Bart, what I allude to is Bart, which is the Bay Area transit stuff,

is having a problem with crime on their transit system. And it's caused by mostly all black kids, black males. So didn't you find that tweet that I liked? I'm not sure if we got into or not. So they basically instituted a policy of we're not going to report or show you who to look out for when you go to the BART station at night. Who's been pushing people onto the tracks or robbing them because then you'll start thinking black people do this. And then that'll be racist. And that's the truth, but it is right.

Yeah, they say we're not going to share it with you. And then that's going to solve the problem of young black dudes beating on people at the BART station, which is. But the reason I like to show it is because it's a perfect example. San Francisco Transit, we refuse to release crime surveillance videos because it will make people racist. Releasing videos would create a racial bias in the riders against minorities on the trains. Now, my argument was if you got a problem with a specific community, which was my argument with Gavin Newsom, If you've got a problem with black and brown people and access to checking accounts, we need to look specifically into that community.

We didn't, instead of broaden it out, we need to really drill down on why is that community committing a disproportionate amount of crime. Yeah. There's a reason why they were looking for gold in San Francisco and not doing it in Ohio because it was in San Francisco. So look at the people that are causing the problems, you know? Why are you looking elsewhere? You don't need to look elsewhere. Right. Right.

So we see the mug show. San Francisco stopped releasing the mug shots to combat racial bias. But again, it's like I'm going to get rid of scales to get rid of obesity. This is their motive, but it's their motive with everything. Sure. And the motive is like don't do any audits because we don't want to know what the news is and don't do any tests and just don't arrest black people. Oh, and by the way, if you do arrest white people, count them as black.

people so we can pad our argument. Like, whatever you're doing, it's everything but whatever, but what would work. Yeah. That's all I'm saying. I want to know what the plan is. It seems like the only time this ever worked is when COVID numbers were rising and somebody said, well, what do you think about the numbers rising, test going up, positive tests, and Trump said stop testing.

It was like, yeah, because people aren't sick. They're not sick. So why do you keep testing people? Numbers are obviously going to go up. If you're not feeling any symptoms, why are you taking a test? Oh, there was a whole clip that I. I saw where they went, listen, if you test someone and comes up negative, just go ahead and check them as positive anyway.

Like, that's what hospitals were doing. Yes. All right. We'll take a quick break. Be right back after this. This is Adam Carolla from the Adam Carolla show. If you care about soccer, you care about moments. And the road to the 2006 World Cup starts here this week.

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Bet Online casino and VIP rewards keeps the momentum going long after the final whistle. The road is long and this is where the story starts. Bet online, the game starts here. All right. So, brought up COVID. Oh, Adam Corolla's tomato gauge. This AI is amazing. Finally, a simple way to tell if your tomatoes are too small for your salad.

That's great. I was, I don't know, do you have our movie poster there? I was laughing over the weekend because we were doing, beat it out. And Chui was in here taking Jay Moore's place, Justin at Ibarra. And I was doing one of my made-up movies. but I was actually taking it kind of serious this time. And it was a movie that I made up a long time ago called Rings of Honor. But it was terrorists had attacked the training center in Golden Colorado,

the U.S. Training Center. They had to fight back, but everyone had to use their own skill. But does AI come up with the slug line? Oh, wow. What is the slug line on this? Sorry, I can't read it from here. You two are comics. You should not tell them that AI is coming up with the slug lines.

Yeah, because that's much better than anything. What is it? They came. Sorry, I can't read it from here. Terrorists took the training center. The athletes took a stand. Oh. Oh, wait.

So, yeah. They came to destroy. They'll learn from, they'll learn what champions are made of. All right. That's not that. Yeah. That's right. Yeah, but the working title was sugar bombs.

heard. So that's what they were going with originally. I want to get the female crowd. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes you look at like the changing of names and my daughter does this too where she will say she'll say something like, you know, oh dad, we don't call it, you know, whatever, we don't call it like making now. We don't call it necking or anything like that. We call it, she used a word the other day and it made me just go, I'd rather have you make out with a guy. She said something like we're expressing some. I can't remember the name.

of it. But it was so funny where I was just like, I'd rather just have you say that you were just making out with him in the back of a car. I don't need you to give me some weird sort of cutey name for it. No, I know. They go nuts. There was a guy. There was that clip, Andrew. I don't know if you saw it, but there was a guy. It was in his 50s or 60s, and there were some hearing. And the one guy just said illegal aliens or something like that. The other guy completely spazzed out. And it's like, I don't fucking know. First off, I don't know what the naming of things does for you or how it gets you

one inch closer to the finish line. Like whatever you, there's a problem. It's homeless or it's the unhoused or it's whatever you want to call it, but it's there. And we're arguing constantly over what we're calling it, which is, by the way, that's what somebody, that's an action and a tactic that someone would do if they didn't have any answers and we're trying to just string it out. It also makes you think that the problem is solved a little bit because George Carlin's old bit about taking the word shell shock and turning it into post-traumatic stress disorder,

it lessened the amount of coverage that doctors gave to shell shock and started calling it PTSD and maybe a lot of those soldiers would have gotten the help they needed had they continued to call it shell shock. Huh. I didn't remember that, George Carlin, bet. Yeah. All right, you don't have to look for that. It was something that I saw a few weeks ago, and it kind of made the rounds, but I don't, if it ain't there, it ain't there. But that's fine.

There was, you can have the Katie Porter thing where she's talking to the bankers. Also, what are you doing with that tomato gauge when there's no tomatoes in it, Ace? There was a couple of holes. We could use them for other things? Yeah. There's a couple of holes in that. I was wondering if you were measuring anything else around the house. Well, you know my, I mean, you know my whole dick measuring riff, right?

Or maybe you don't. Which one? Maybe it's time. I don't know. Enlighten me. Chuck probably hasn't heard it in a while. I don't know if Andrews ever heard my dick matter. Okay, here's what I, forget about everything else we're doing.

Let's listen to me. I would like to know who has the biggest hog in America. Now, here's the parameters. People go length, width, how do you figure it out? It is simply water displacement. You get lowered into a graduated cylinder, and it's how much water you displace. Whose unit is displacing the most water? Now, I have to do it scientifically.

You have to lay on a plate of stainless steel with a whole. in it and it will then be lowered until the stainless steel touches the top of the graduated cylinder. Okay. And then we'll lift you back out and it's how much water is displaced. We'll see it go down to the thing. Okay. Every year, almost on the 4th of July, like the Coney Island hot dog eating competition,

day before, yeah. We decide who has the biggest hog in America. Now, that person then gets a windbreak. with number one emblazoned on it. And you're basically evil-can-eval for the whole year. Now, people go, well, what about next year? Well, next year, a whole bunch of 17-year-olds turn 18. Every year, there's a whole new crop of potential guys with bigger cocks because I'm not a weirdo.

I don't do it when you're 13 or 14. Yeah. But as you turn 18, then it's kind of like, you know, it's like the draft. You know, you're just compelled to do it. Sure. Now, every, now the guys, anybody who's in the top 100 is never paying for a drink again in their life. Because they're wearing that windbreaker into the bar. You know what I mean?

Oil changes itself. And they're just bottomless mimosis, you know. You are the fucking, and if you crack the top 10, you're going to be on Oprah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, you're doing the rounds. Yeah, for sure. Right.

You're being interviewed on Sports Center. Her book club. Yeah, you're everywhere. Number one. Now, the big question is, do you hang on to your number one ranking as a new crop of 17-year-olds turn 18, which is several million dudes? Sure. Here's the downside. You're going to get a number assigned to you.

And that number is not going to be how much water you displaced. That number is going to be your ranking. And if you go, well, all right, there's 170 million males. and let's just go ahead and say 50 million of them are under 18. Now we're left with 120 million. 120 million? Somebody's going to be last. Yeah.

I mean, you're getting a number. And you, on that one day of the year, have to wear the windbreaker as well. I don't care if you don't like your number. Oh, you know what I mean? And you could, look, let's face it, If you were anywhere in the hundreds of thousands, you'd be doing pretty good. Sure.

Right? But what you don't want is when you're in the millions and deep in the millions, like crossing over into 118 million or something like that. But you must, just like the guy number one, you're wearing that windbreaker that day. If anybody has to stop and count how many zeros are on the back of your windbreaker, that's not a good. Yeah, although there is Mr. Irrelevant. There is the 257th pick of the NFL draft.

And every once in a while, that guy comes out and he ends up being a Tom Brady. You know, what about that guy who's last of the water displacement? But boy, oh, boy, six months later, vivid entertainment offers him up a contract, and that guy can just pound like a beast, you know? I don't know if Belichick's going to be able to turn that guy around. I don't think so. And then we go international. Oh, yeah.

Because there's who we got our guys representing number one. Sure. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. But there's all that, well, obviously not Japan. but there's all the other markets out there. And then there's a big sort of competition to see who displaces the most water. This is a good idea.

And that guy with that number one, the guy gets the number one. And you got to picture Evil Caneval's license plate, you know, with that big number one in rainbow tape. You know what? I'm going to take a step further. The guy makes number one, all the guys in the. top 10 get a jumpsuit. It's a full fucking evil kid. It's like cape and a cane.

They got sponsors on it. Your sponsorship up the fucking wazoo. Do you know how much sponsorship? Do you know how much money gay porn would throw at you? Oh, man. Jesus Christ. Your life would be changed and instant. We would also see where anyone in the top 10 moved in the rankings as the 18-year-olds

as a young 18-year-old crop. Some nine or 10 could get booted out of the top. Some could go from five to four. You know, you could slide up a rank. You know, there's going to be ranking. Yeah, they do it almost like last year's number one has to present to now the new number one. You have to go out on stage and pass that baton a little bit, no pun intended. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. A lot of sit downs, guest appearance on the view. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's a thing. It's a thing. Then we go international. Now, when they go to Africa, do they reuse all of the windbreakers that have been that not used in America and they just refurbish them.

It's not going to be a uniform-style windbreaker. It's going to be different. One's going to be guests. One's going to be Mossimo. Oh, you mean like the Buffalo Bill's Super Bowl jerseys? Yeah. Yeah. T-shirts?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, by the way, if your nation gets free t-shirts from the team that lost a sport you're not familiar with, that's not a good sign for your nation. Not at all. Not a good sign. that means probably no rocket program and probably don't make a world-class automobile.

Yeah. All right. So lower down. Now, look, a lot of people are going, well, you know, what are the rules? Well, the rules are the stainless steel gets lowered down to the top of the beaker and it comes up. Whatever shape you're in is whatever shape you're in. You know what I mean? And then you go, well, but it's a quarter inch worth a stainless steel.

Yeah, but it's a quarter inch for everybody. Everything's the same. I love that. We've seen how much, how much. Now, look, we have a strong no peeing policy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, empty bladder. Yeah.

Now, actually, peeing would hurt your cause. So, yeah, you actually, actually peeing would probably hurt it. But we have it in the blue water. We can see. Oh, sure. It's all documented. It's like the sharp tank, you know. There's a little urine gets in there.

There's a sanctioning body. I'll be standing there with my clipboard. Everybody has to eat a. I'm going to take a whiff of the water afterwards. You want to turn this into a joke. You can, Rudy, but I don't, I'm taking it pretty seriously. Okay, sorry. Lower down.

Peeing's not going to help. There's really nothing. Yeah. There's really nothing's going to help. Yeah. What about you walk in? What if you go in just a little chubbed up? Oh, you're going full.

Oh, you're going full as hard as you can go. Or you want to win or not. Okay. All right. I want your, what, you got to picture yourself wearing that windbreaker, that silk windbreak around with that number on it. And you've got to go out that day. And there's no leaving it at home.

It's going to be strictly enforced. You know what I love about this? That there's no stolen valor. You cannot, because if you try to, if you see another, if you see a guy out in the wild and he's got number 17, and then you go down the street and you see another guy with a number 17, one of them's lying. Right.

You got to call them out. You're like, one of you two, one of you two aren't on this list. One of you two are much further down. You got to add a couple commas and zeros into those. One of you. Yeah. I'll meet you in the men's room. Let's get to the bottom of us because I'm only buying one of you a beer.

That would be a competition that would work. Can you imagine the new king crown? Like the guy just turned 18 the day before the competition. Now he's the new guy. And they'd be interviewed. By the way, his girlfriend would be a celebrity too because they'd be, you know, they'd have questions. You know what I'm saying? She'd get like sponsor ice packs or something like that, you know?

She'd pick up, listen, Madison Avenue would be all over this. Sure. There's no doubt. Mm-hmm. No doubt. That jumpsuit would quickly be adorned with a ton of, like, you'd look like a NASCAR by the time. Icy hot. Well, for the ladies.

Yeah, for the ladies. Yeah, yeah. You can give you icy hot for the ladies. Like, inside of the legs must get a little sore, right? The guys would probably have a lot of supplements, protein powder. Oh, sure. Yeah. Yep.

GNC. Oh, water soluble lube. lube like Astro Clyde and stuff like that. This would be a game breaker. And it'd be great at work, you know, when everyone had to wear the jersey in, the silk windbreaker in that day, you know? Yeah. Now, going back to the Coney Island, Nathan's hot dog eating contest, since the stage is

already erected, do we do this on the stage? We bring back the winners of the previous year and everybody's got to go, they got to go, you know, no pun intended, they got to go bowls first. Can you imagine if Joey Chesnut was in the top ten? Oh, man. He'd be like, that's the ultimate hero. Look at that guy. Take down...

It's 71 hot dog, and he's cracked the top ten of the big wine competition. Yeah, they always just add one more extra hot dog at the end of it. I think we get Nathan's to sponsor both. Yeah, why that? We're there. The signage is up. We're going to reprint vinyl signage? Man, this stuff's expensive.

No, no need to. I mean, it's right there. Mm-hmm. Love this idea. They're probably... There had to be got... You know, there's always someone trying to... trying to game the system, you know, like F-1 style. It's just sort of cheating, you know.

Yeah. There'd have to be some uncut guys that were putting some kind of absorbent material, tucking it under the foreskin. We'd have to do a thorough check. Like when the guys come to the UFC and they wipe them down, you know what I mean? They've got to put their arms out. They've got to feel around, you know, if they got anything in their hair or on their arms or they're too oiled up or whatever. We'd have to, we'd have to have it, you know, ref again like you're getting in the octagon really check the oil cannot cannot use too much glycerin or baby oil like it'd be like doctoring a baseball you know there's always going to be

somebody because this thing is going to get settled by milliliter like like literally tens of thousands of milliliters yeah what i mean the difference between first and ninth could be just a just whatever would absorb into a cue tip you know what i mean once we do it at this scale. Yeah. You'd have to make sure nobody had skin grafts. Like they'd burn their dick

and they got a skin graft and they wrap it a couple of times because it plumps it up. Oh, and then the guy who takes is the needle. Have you seen the guys who put the needle and they almost like inject?

Well, that's why. And then it pumps up. They have the natural bodybuilding competitions and then the steroid competition. You want to start taking injections and stuff. There's going to be a sanctioning body,

but you will then, you'll be Mr. Universe, but it'll be of the guys You get the asterisk next to your title. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Barry Bonds. Have a seat with Barry Bonds. All right. May 8th and 9th, Las Vegas,

doing Kimmel's show. Two shows over there, Friday, Saturday. Then Laugh Factory Covina, that's Thursday, with a guest that will blow your mind. That's all I'm saying, and you will love it. But I cannot say more contractually. By Salea Theater, that'll be Friday the 15th, and then Saturday the 16th.

That'll be Modesto at the States. State Theater. Get some merch. Go to our merch store. We got a lot of cool stuff there. What do you got, Rudy? This weekend, I'm going to be a king of Prussia in Pennsylvania, and then next week, Netflix is a joke at the Ice House on May 7th.

So, until next time, Adam Crawley for Rudy Pavich, saying, Mahalo. Pluto TV has thousands of free movies and TV shows. We're coming at you with everything we got. This is the mindset. Free. This is the mantra. Free. This is the...

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