THE ADAM BUXTON PODCAST - EP.278 - ROB AUTON

Episode Date: July 8, 2026

Adam walks along London's Regent's Canal with British comedian, artist, writer and actor Rob Auton and talks about Rob's creative process, winning a best joke award at the Edinburgh Fringe for a joke he no longer tells, his upbringing as the son of a plumber and a baker and how his background informs his appreciation for the everyday, infinite universes, the value of taking artistic risks, and reading out reviews for his live shows while they're being written. Conversation recorded face-to-face walking by Regent’s Canal between Shoreditch, King’s Cross and Camden on 17 October, 2024.CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGESUBMIT QUESTIONS FOR A Q&A EPISODE: [e-mail] to Diggory Waite and Claire Broughton at Hattrick and Séamus Murphy Mitchell for production support.Podcast illustration by Helen GreenRELATED LINKSROB AUTON WEBSITE - Tour dates etc.THE FIRST DARK IMAGE OF BACON'S DEATH - 2008 (The Guardian)ADAM ON WHERE THERE'S A WILL THERE'S A WAKE - 2026 (YouTube) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I added one more podcast to the giant podcast bin. Now you have plucked that podcast out and started listening. I took my microphone and found some human folk. Then I recorded all the noises while we spoke. My name is Adam Buxton. I'm a man. I want you to enjoy this. That's the plan. How are you doing podcasts? It's Adam Buxton here. I'm joined by Rosie, who is my best dog friend. Hot dog.

Oh, so hot. I know, well, it's another heat wave. Early July, 2026. So we're not taking the usual crunchy track by the fields today. Instead, we're walking down towards the river. Look, Rosie, you're going to go for a dip? I may do. Oh look, there's a big old swan there. How do you get on with swans? I don't know. Great big swan just standing in the shallows there. Hello, swan. We come in peace.

We're just recording links for the Adam Buxton podcast. Swan has taken to the water and is now moving away. Didn't know swans made that noise. It's quite piggy. I think because the swan is there, Rosie, I should probably keep you on the lead if that's okay. Why? What do you think I'm going to do? Well, I was thinking probably harassment and intimidation.

That's what you do with the rabbits and the squirrels. That's the old may. I would never do that now. Well, I'm going to keep you on the lead just to be safe. I don't want to be responsible for any swan grief. Here, look, I brought a collapsible water dish, and I've got some nice cold water here. There you go. Have some of that, Rose.

Quite nice. Oh, look. This one's gone. I mean, it's not the absolute most beautiful part of the river, I don't think, but I better get on with this intro. There's too many creatures around. Go away. Back at the house, we've got an infestation of flying ants at the moment.

Oh, geez. Just grabbed some thistles. and now I am attracting a lot of flying ants. They're everywhere. Oh my God, it's flying ant, Glastonbury. All right, you know what, Rosie? We're going to abandon the Riverside Plan. Right.

Back on the crunchy track, Rosie has headed home to her favourite cool spot underneath the kitchen table. So, hey, how you doing, Podcats? Thanks very much to all of you who came along to the Bowie Bug shows at the Lightroom in Kings Cross last week. They were, if you'll forgive me for saying so, very good. And a great success. So much so that we may do more later in the year.

I'll keep you abreast. Might even keep you three. The next podcast will be the last of this current run, and it's going to be the inaugural listener Q&A episode, answering questions that some of you submitted over the last few weeks, talking to Diggery, Diggery Waite, who, along with Claire Broughton from Hattrick, has been helping me with production duties on the podcast this year,

and that Q&A episode next week will also serve to launch the new Patreon bonus area, which I am trying out. If you sign up for that Patreon, which you should be able to do next. week when the episode comes out, you will be able to access extra episodes and bonus content that will come your way in the lonely months when the main podcast is on a break. In that first Q&A episode, which will be available to everybody on the main feed for free, I will also be sharing details of an Adam and Joe live anniversary show, which will be happening later this year. To celebrate

the fact that we're still alive. 30 years after Joe Cornish and I started making the Adam and Joe show on Channel 4 back in 1996. So I'll be giving you details of dates and venues in the next episode. But right now, let's get to episode number 278. This one features a nice outdoor ramble through London with comedian, writer and actor Rob Orton.

Orton Vax. Rob was born in York in 1982 and grew up in the village of Barbie Moore near Pocklington in the East Riding of Yorkshire. After studying graphic design at university in Newcastle, he moved to London and got a job at an advertising agency. But after a while, he grew frustrated with writing, advertising copy,

and far preferred filling notebooks with his own ideas instead. When his creative director mentioned that he was holding a fireworks night featuring poetry, Rob read some of his poems aloud for the first time. And in 2008, he began performing a few of his poems, along with other thoughts from his notebooks for live comedy audiences. Since his 2012 Edinburgh Fringe debut with The Yellow Show, Rob has created 12 hour-long fringe shows each year, picking a subject that's important to him, for example, the sky, faces, water, sleep, hair, talking, time, crowds, and himself.

In 2013, he won the Dave funniest joke of the Fringe Award, for a joke that, as you will hear, he no longer tells, other than to explain why he no longer tells it. In 2014, he served as the Glastonbury Festival's official poet in residence. His work has been played on the radio by Jarvis Cocker, Karris Matthews and Scroobius Pip. And he has published four collections of writing and drawings. Plus, I strongly believe in incredible things. A celebration of everyday wonders in poetic prose, short stories and biro drawings published in 2021.

At the end of our conversation, you will hear Rob, reading a little bit from it. In 2020, Rob started the Rob Orton Daily podcast, and for a while he posted a new episode every single day, in which he blended humorous reflections on everyday life with poetical words and music. Rob is also an actor who's appeared in Cold Feet, The End of the Fucking World, Miracle Workers, Starstruck with Friend of the podcast Rose Matafayo, and The Change with friend of the podcast, Bridget Christie. and he made his film debut opposite Danny Dyer in 2025's Marching Powder

Ah, marching powder. Good, stuff it out of you, I haven't seen marching powder, I don't know if that's what it's like. Earlier this year, 2006, Rob toured with his first narrative show called Can, the story of a man called Can, about a man who was once the world's leading motivational speaker. The show sold out venues across the... the UK, including two runs at London's Soho Theatre.

And next month, August, 26, Rob takes his brand new show, Jupiter, a story about being an estate agent on the planet Jupiter to the Assembly Rocksea Central at the Edinburgh Fringe. For the full month, before embarking on his biggest ever nationwide tour, you'll find more info and ticket links at robawton.com.uk. There's a link in the description. convenience. That's okay. You're welcome. My conversation with Rob was recorded one afternoon in mid-October 2024. I had been thinking around then that it would be nice to change things up as far as the location for recordings went. Have some different sonic textures in the mix, you know. Anyway, so we agreed to meet by Regents Canal near Shoreditch and then we strolled over towards King's Cross.

It's very nice. But I was trying out some new out-and-about clip mics and turned out the levels on one of the mics were a little off for a chunk of the recording. And so the episode got delayed until I had time to do a bit of technical fixing. But then, you know how it goes. It fell into the organizational Twilight Zone. But as regular listeners will know, a 21-month delay is by no means.

the record on this podcast. Still, it's far from ideal and I apologize to Rob, to you listeners and to everybody that I've heard. I'll be back at the end to say goodbye. But right now, strolling and getting to know Rob Orton, here we go. We've looked out with the weather here. It's nice. It's been quite to grey and crappy the last. few days but right now the sun has come out and I am here with Rob Autumn how do you describe yourself if people don't know you pretty tall pretty anxious writer is that what you go in with if you meet someone at a party hi hi Rob I'm quite tall yeah I'm tall hey you may have noticed no if someone was to say what

would you do for a living someone that did ask me recently I think. Maybe it was one of the builders or something. And I always just say, oh yeah, I'm a... I do stuff at the Edinburgh Festival and tried to change the subject as quickly as possible. Which I don't know why, because I'm proud of what I do, but... Sure, but the danger is that they'll say, if you mention the C word, comedian, that is. Yeah.

Not cunt, because that'd be a bit much. But if you say that you're a comedian, then they're going to want a joke. Yeah. And I mean, you though, have one best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe. Yeah. Back in the day, when was that, 2013? It was. And so you're in an even worse position because you're like a joke-winning comedian.

Yeah, but the thing is with that is that I remember when I had the idea for that joke, and it's the only kind of time that those wires in my brain have connected and sparked. And it's like, I wish that I could. could be like a joke writer. So obviously you have to tell us the joke, though. Well, it's interesting this and this is... I don't say the joke anymore because language has kind of changed since 2013.

So the joke was, I heard a rumor. Cabriza releasing an Oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese whisper. Yeah. Right? But Oriental's off the menu now, isn't it? Oriental is off the menu. But at the time,

it was on the menu. And why is Oriental off the menu? I mean, I got the memo, but there wasn't an explanation. Because it's too general. It's offensively general. I think it's like a blanket word, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think that's, you know, I just want everyone to feel as good as possible. Anything I can do to stop people feeling uncomfortable when I'm on stage, absolutely do it. Right. Well, you said earlier on that you think of yourself as tall and anxious.

Was that right? Yeah, not like a... I mean, I did say that. That is a fact, yeah. But you are generally a happy person. Yeah, I'm buzzing. Yeah. Like, I'm foot to, but I still feel like everything's ahead of me,

which is kind of mad. No, but it's true, it is. Of course it is. I mean, it is literally true because time travel doesn't exist. Yeah. I was watching something the other day. They said, this is the youngest you're ever going to be in your life.

There you go, yeah. I think that quite a lot. When I look, I mean, you haven't, presumably you haven't got to the point in your life where you're looking in the mirror and you're going, oh, Jesus. And when I say, oh, Jesus, I'm not suggesting that you're, you look so much like Jesus that that's what you're saying. Yeah, I know, well, that is a thing. And because I've got quite long hair and a beard at the moment.

Well, no, so it's, I was out the other night. was like, I was sitting at a table where I was looking at my reflection. And it kind of ruined my night. I was like, I wanted to swap places. What was wrong with your reflection? I don't think I was just having one of those nights. Do you have them? Yeah, loads.

Where he's just like, oh God. And then the thing that does my nutting is the fact that you only get back the energy that you give out. So if I'm sitting there and I'm not really giving. much and I'm like oh why was why was people kind of quiet with me tonight I'm like well it's because I was quiet with them and I want to be like Billy Cunley in social situations I've been like dragging people into the good times being so funny and so articulate and just a riot but I'm not that I'm not that person you know yeah but I wish I I kind of wish I was does everyone I don't know I'm not saying as everyone wish I was that person.

I don't know if I could handle the pressure anyway. I try to live every day like it's my first and try to stay excited about canals and leaves and people on bikes, you know. And just the fact that I even get to experience it at all is wicked. And I tried to write about it. And I got a bit in my new show of thinking, obviously the universe is massive and there's infinite amount of universes. And what would they say about Shakespeare?

I think that's just a theory, though, isn't it? I mean, you're saying obviously, but I'm pretty sure we don't know for certain there's an infinite number of universes. Really? I don't think that's a given. Right? No, that's just a theory.

Anyway, sorry. What do you think happens? After this universe, it's just nothing? Forever. I mean, that's one of the theories. But I'm not sure you can rely on there being an infinite number of universes. But I... I'm relying on it.

This is... This is terrible news. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? I'm going to hold it in my show. I think it's a common fact that there's an infinite amount of universes. I might be wrong. Listen, I don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm not Stephen Hawking. What they say, though, about, you know, with the monkeys and the typewriter's being... able to type out the Shakespeare. Yeah, so far they haven't done that, as far as I'm aware. It's just another theory. They can't get enough monkeys, can they? I think people like that whole theory of infinite universes, because it's inspiring. It makes you value what's good about your own life because there's so many other ways

that it could have gone. So that makes you grateful for the things that fate has conceded. But then on the other hand, the problem with that whole infinite universe thing is that you're just overwhelmed by the... the possibilities that there are. And I think that can sometimes have a paralyzing effect. I think it frees me up because it makes me feel so small. Okay.

And, you know, when you see those things on the internet when it shows you the earth and then the next ball is slightly bigger, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, and then it just gets bigger and bigger and bigger. And you're like, whoa, okay. And when I see those, it does flip me out of it, but I do, I feel, feel like yeah come on but then i've got to find my national insurance number and all that crap yes it's like that lyric that i absolutely love from neutral milk hotel which so many people have got tattooed on them can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all that's probably one of my

favorite lyrics ever is that um over the sea yeah in the airplane over the sea yeah i don't know that album very well but my my son really likes it it really is two sides of me going, oh God, what? I can't believe that this is a temporary thing. Yeah. But also, wow, it is a temporary thing. So come on. Let's go.

And then I was sitting in my garden this morning thinking, just take a moment to kind of think, oh, you're going to go and speak to Adam Buxton this afternoon. I have a podcast that I listen to so much. and thinking don't just let that pass you by and worry about don't just worry about it

and think what have I put in to be able to hopefully have something to talk about and that is like 10 years of not 10 years I've been doing this since 2012 full time

but I did my first gig in 2007 and it's been an absolute slog but it will never stop being a slug right I don't think it ever stops and they realize of that of going, no one's ever going to give you

just like a golden key and say, you don't have to work, hey, you don't have to work anymore. And then if you don't, I'll get upset anyway because I love working and having ideas and making stuff. And I always think about that

with bands that I love. Like it hasn't stopped for them. Like, you know, with radio head, right? I mean, does Tom York ever just sit around and think, yeah, I'm just an absolute ledge? Probably not. I don't know.

I wonder if he does. He gets told it enough. Yeah, but we're walking down the street then and people are paying your compliments. It's like, does that just bounce off? And if so, what are we working towards? Yeah, that's true. I don't think you ever reach a point

where you think, okay, I've smashed it, I've nailed it, I can retire. No, I don't think so. I did a gig in hell. Hebden Bridge at the trades club. Love it. And afterwards, in the morning, I went to see Sylvia Plath's grave. Oh, is that in Hebden Bridge?

Yeah. And I was done, it's mad, isn't it, when you go to a churchyard to, or a graveyard to try and find a famous person's grave. And you're like walking past all the other graves going like, not you, no, not you, just discard him. Boring, boring. Boring. Bore. Pointless. And, yeah, I found Sylvia Plas Grave

And I was kind of People have left all pens and pencils on the top of it Okay Not bell jars No, poems, pens and pencils And I was standing there and I thought Oh God, you know, you've made it When people have left pens and pencils on the top of your head still

And then I thought It was like, come on, Rob, you're a lie, That's making it. And probably you can afford pens and pencils, right? Yeah, one of my favourite things to buy. I used to work in an art shop as well. Oh, yes. Cast art on Berwick Street.

Oh, I love it. Paintbrush boy. Yeah. And, you know, one of my favourite sites in Sainsbury's is an on-offer pack of bicks. They've got really cheap. You know, sometimes you can get 10 for £1.50. but I think I'm up there as the world's best pen loser I just can't keep them can you

we've got drawers I mean we've got so many have you yeah yeah yeah in the lockdown though I labeled all the drawers and I had a big pen cull I went through and I tested every single bireau soft felt tip pen that my kids had accumulated over the years there was buckets of these things Yeah. And I went through every single one.

I got rid of the ones that didn't work. I kept and organized the ones that still worked. I put them in a drawer. I labeled a drawer. It was pretty good. Yeah, awesome. So originally were they in like chaos drawers? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. In the playroom, you know, in piles, in stacked up in tins. Yeah. Like old peanut tins and things like that. Just a load of byros and unmatching things. felt tips. It used to stress me out so badly. First of all, it was like why have we got all these

felt tips? We've got too many felt tips. It's grotesque. But that's having kids. It's just the waste. Oh, we're killing the planet. There's going to be no planet for these kids just because we got

them so many pens. Pens, pens, pens, pens, pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens, pens, hens, hens, mons, hens, hens, hens, hens, hens,

pens, pens, pens, Pens, Pondon, pen, pen, Fountains, Gullet felted markers, must be bought in both for creative mother-farkers. What are your parents like? Did you grow up in a kind of philosophically fluid environment? if that's the phrase.

Not really. Were you guys sitting around and chatting about the meaning of life in the autumn household? Not so much. It was, I think that's probably they've given me such a solid foundation that I feel like I can

almost dance around on it a bit. Which I'm really thankful for. What was the scene? My dad was a plumber. Uh-huh. And... Happy plumber? He's a funny guy, my dad, and really good in company,

but I think plumbing is really tough. And I remember once we were having Christmas dinner, and someone came down the drive. Like, at the house, and we were having our Christmas dinner, and they said, oh, can you come and help me that? I've got water coming in through the ceiling. They didn't know where else to go on the Christmas day. And it was like, yeah.

And it's funny thinking about those memories because it was probably my age when that was happening. And they really encouraged me to play sport. And it was great because the village I grew up in, there was a playing field. You go cycle, I'd be out every night playing football. Absolutely did not realize how lucky I was to have that. and my mum worked in the local hotel as a waitress

and stuff that I just took for granted like the house always smell of bread because my mum made the bread buns for the hotel and I didn't even think about that when I was a kid but the worktops were always full of these bread buns with clean teetals on them and to help them rise and I was like my mum made the bread for the hotel the bread buns

are you having a laugh like how did that even come about when she was being interviewed did they say oh can you make bread and she's like yeah and then she took some round in a tin it's like try this she made them at home and took them in

yeah homemade bread and they right and there was a swimming pool at the back of that hotel and it was always freezing but um sometimes my mum would be if it was a hot day she'd say oh Pat and Peter that was who

the people who run the hotel they said oh you can go for a swim in the pool if you want and it's funny when you're a child like i never really clocked that of how kind of good that was free pool time a bit of free pool time and um and free buns and free buns yeah and no leaks no no that's paradise you're describing i know i actually remember one of my school friends coming around who lived in a town slightly closer and went into our bathroom and he was like what this is great bathroom and I just took it all for granted because it's obviously he was great plummet good attention to detail yeah very tidy good with the mastick is it mastick I think so I don't know don't know the gel stuff that goes around the joints I was watching videos of that today the sealant yeah sealant there you

Are you good at plumbing? Would you know what you were doing? No, I'm not good at plumbing, no. But there was a time last year when I, our washing machine broke. Have you ever had that? Where you open the door and it's just kind of your clothes are sodden. Yeah.

And you're like, okay. It hasn't drained. It hasn't drained what we're going to do. It's very sad the first time that happens. Yeah. Because you just think, how does this work? Yeah. What did you do?

Oh, man. It was an afternoon. you know, when your afternoons just change. You think you've got something going on and then the washing machine has other plans. But I fixed it and I got the filter open and I found a bit of plastic in it that was stopping it from draining

and I sorted it out and I was really pleased with myself. It's a great feeling when you managed to. And I was thinking about really privileged people like, is Kim Kardashian-in-it? Has she ever done that? Who knows? She's got different achievements.

She's achieved some of, incredible things in the world of bum fashion. Yeah. And she's had many of those amazing moments where she solved a bum fashion problem that's come along that you and I wouldn't, we wouldn't even know where to start. And she has sorted it. I'd say so. So let's not create a hierarchy of achievement.

That's all I'm saying. Okay. But I hear you and it is an amazing feeling to sort something out. conversely, a terrible feeling is to phone up a professional. They come out, they're going to charge you 150 quid because it's a weekend. You've got an electrical problem or something. They go in, they open up the circuit board. They flip one switch and everything is fine.

And it's just because you're a stupid, ignorant twat who hasn't figured out how your own electrics work. When they come around, sometimes I do feel like they're just thinking, this guy. Look, he's living in this nice house in the middle of the countryside, but he doesn't even know how to work a circuit board, basic circuit board etiquette this guy doesn't have. Like the other day, we had a power cut, and in the middle of the night, and it was all,

every time he gets stormy where we are, the lines go down and we got no power. and the other day it was really bad and in the middle of the night these guys from the power company come around and it was like a scene from E.T. They all had their yellow boots and their protective gear on

and they've got flashlights and I'm standing in the doorway and the glare of the flashlight is preventing me from actually being able to see their faces and there's these shadowy figures and they're like, yeah, we're trying to sort out the problem but I think we're going to have to connect up a generator because it's not going to be fixed for a few days.

If you've got three phase out here? I said, I don't think so. I don't think we've got three phases. I think you probably do. It's all farm property. I was like, yeah, but it hasn't been a farm for a while. Yeah, but I see farm buildings around here. It's probably three phase.

I was like, I just don't know if it is. And then I started to get this vibe like he was torturing me about how ignorant I was about the three phase. And eventually I was like, listen, I don't. know if we've got three phase or not. I'm sorry. Okay? Why don't you come in and find out? That's the best thing. Don't worry about your muddy boots. You're the electrician guy. You come in and find out the three phase situation and let's move forward, shall we? I'm terrible if that makes you feel happier. All I know about is indie bands from the late 70s. Apart from that, nothing. I've got nothing.

Please sort out the power problem. So that was going on in my head, but it was a bit stupid really because he was just trying to be helpful and find out if we had three-phase. I think I would have said, the only time I've heard of three-phase is I think it's in a street song. Plug in the three-phase on the generator. There you go. I think so. Was that written after last week?

Because it could have been about my experience. It could have been written by the guy who came round to our house. Was the chorus, I just been round to a fucking idiot. And he doesn't know if his... got three phase. He thinks that I'm going to help him out, but he can't fuck himself.

Was that the chorus? Yeah. Oh, okay. It was written about us. I just spin round to a fucking idiot. He doesn't know if he's got three phase. He thinks that I'm going to help him out, but he can fuck himself.

That doesn't sound like the streets. I've been doing quite a lot of DIY recently. Oh, well. Painting. I'm just treating it like an hour. art project really. Your painting skills are better than one might imagine. Well, no, I wouldn't.

Did you go to art school? I did, yeah. Ah, well, there you go. I mean, that's... That was my thing. At school, that was my strength. What were you studying? Just...

At school, my best subjects were art and graphic design. Ah, yeah, okay. I think that's a good thing about art. You don't need to know much about it to be able to do it. Yeah. And I know a bit about art. I know that I love... Francis Bacon and what he said about that he wants to be,

he wants his body to be put in a bin bag when he's dead. Is that what he said? Yeah, and like throwing a gutter and he's just like, I just want to live now. He's not bothered about any of that. Did they put him in a bin bag after he's? I don't think so. But I think that's what I love most about artists

that anyone can get in the mix of it. Yeah, yeah. I remember a Francis Bacon quote, In fact, I think I've even used it in one of my jingles And he said The other day I was Walking along the street And I looked down

And I saw a dog shit And I thought That's like life That was the end of the quote I mean I don't know Like there's a lot of ways you could interpret that That's not necessarily A condemnation

of life, is it? That might be saying, you know, dog shits are, there's more to them than you might imagine. Funny, isn't it? I just like his use of red. Crimson. And one of the things, because my strengths at school were art and graphic design.

So I went to art school in York and then moved up to Newcastle and did a degree in graphic design. and one of the tutors there said the risk always wins and that stuck with me and that Francis Bacon kind of goes with that throwing paint at the canvas

and seeing what happens and I definitely subscribe to that of the risk always winning and I'm thinking about my new Edinburgh show I was doing the show I did one line-up show that was in a place called The Hive

in Edinburgh. there's doubles as a nightclub and there was in there on the Friday night and my show was at 2.15 during the day and I was looking forward to just kind of messing about on stage and there was a seat on stage that no one had kind of addressed and it was just facing the wall but it was on the stage and it was like it's no one going to talk about that when I got on stage it was like whose seat is this and they didn't say anything I said does anyone one want to sit on this and face the wall and didn't know and said and then I just kept on asking and then eventually someone got up and sat on the seat on stage and faced the wall and uh it was electrifying for me and then I said all right special treat you can turn around and face the audience now and then I was like well at least I've got one of you on my side you know and then I was doing my set and I was like what do you think about that bit and I was just, my heart was going, I'd never done anything like that before

and I pretty much didn't take my hands out with my pockets for the whole show. I've never done that, but it was just that I'd put myself through, it was towards the end of the fringe and I'd put so much pressure on myself to kind of get into my show every day and try and do the best job I can. And then how loose it became on stage was just, I loved it. And I learned so much I was in Melbourne and I was hanging out with a couple

of clowns and they were saying it's just all about play. You've got to play, you've got to have fun. And maybe I've kind of haven't been playing enough on stage and risk is exciting. And I'm excited by risk and I don't want to become stagnant and I think that's art.

I feel like people playing and trying to see if it's fun. flies as art is exciting for me. What are the things that you've seen on stage that inspired you in a similar way? Have you ever seen something that made you think, wow, that was, I wasn't expecting that. Well, Bob Dylan was, Bob Dylan was the first one. Bob Dylan comes up a lot in this podcast. I imagine, yeah.

All roads lead back to Bobbles in one way or another. And what was it that you first saw of him that made you go, oh, hello? I was in, I think it was, I think it was. MacArthur Glenn designer outlet and was there a music shop there? Maybe there was, but I bought a best-off Bob Dylan

and his line from Desolation Row that was Einstein disguised as Robin Hood with his memories in a trunk past his way an hour ago with his friend the jealous monk he looked so immaculately frightful as he bummed a cigarette

he went off sniffing drain pipes and reciting the alphabet and I was just like whoa I couldn't believe it I could not believe that an adult was saying stuff like that. Yeah. And loads of people were loving it. Oh, look at this.

We got Long Tom, a canal boat that's passing by here. And Bob Dylan's driving it. That is a stroke of look. Let's have a rebel chat. I'm a podcast. Thank you, Bob. But Bob Dylan, he was the first one. that made me think, oh, maybe this world isn't as rigid as it seems.

Right. And maybe you can play. How do you want your life to go? Like, what would you ever think about? Do you have career goals? Are you organising your days in that way? Do you go, well, I would like to get a sitcom or I would like to do a film? Do you think in those terms or are you just shambling through?

I'm definitely driven. I take my days very seriously. I think Jack White said, or a quote that I like from his, is he just wants to make things that he wants to see exist. And I think that that is kind of what I'm doing at the moment, is just answering the call of the idea when they come to me and not ignoring them. I think that my main...

driving forces that if an idea comes, get it down as quickly as possible. And if it ever gets to the stage where I'm like, I'm not doing that, then that'll be like, whoa, no, come on. Every time, get it down as quickly as you can. Get those words down in the order that they came to you. Because whenever I tried to remember something on the night,

I was like, oh, what was it? It was something like, you just fudge it and it never works. Yeah. You know, some of the best memories I've had it when I just, just start writing on the night and don't stop and then you wake up in the morning and you know before things have kind of started to register with you and then you go

oh yes go I wrote that and then you read it and you're like oh yes I did that and then that is massive for me but I would definitely like to make something for the screen

I mean I've done a tiny bit of acting I'd like to do more and the only reason is not the only reason but one of the reasons is that people take it so seriously yeah but um the acting that i have done i've loved it it's good fun i mean it is ridiculous though you know like i love actors and acting i love doing it and i have loved doing it and i love watching actors when they're good but on the other hand, it's ludicrous, the extent to which actors are revered in our culture and, you know, worshipped as gods. And yet they pretend to be someone else for a living. They can't, they're not even themselves.

Their whole existence and everything that we admire about them is based on them just pretending to be someone else. I mean, I know that's a very obvious thing to say. It's like, I think everyone understands that. But at the same time, when you, when you, sometimes you catch yourself thinking about it and you're reminded of it. And I suppose you see it most obviously when it's done badly. And when people aren't good at acting, that's why people get so angry with bad films and bad TV shows. Because it's like an affront to the pact we all have. It's like you sort of say, well, look, you can do this ridiculous, stupid thing. but you have to do it very, very well.

And then when people don't do it well, you're like, you have done a giant shit on our trust. It's funny with, you know, when you grow a beard, like I did a show all about hair, called the hair show. I grew my hair and beard for 18 months and didn't touch it. And it just went like a bit of a wild man. And people stopped sitting next to me on the tube and people would wait for that they wouldn't get in the lift

with me and things like that. Yeah. I struggled with that, but I was committing. They wouldn't get in a little bit like because you looked like a unhoused person. Yeah. God.

And then I was in a thing with Danny Dyer called Marching Powder, right? Yeah, fucking right, mate. Love it, I love a bit of it. This year. I did the audition and it was with Nick Love who had done like the football. manufacturing everything.

Yes. King of the DVD commentaries. On the lead up to the filming, I saw that Danny Dyer had been getting shot by the paparazzi, and it was in the paper. And I had a couple of scenes with him, and I thought, oh, yes, maybe I'll get papped.

Yeah. And when we were doing the filming in Dagenham, outside this restaurant, sure enough, there was a photographer of a long lens. And I thought, oh, yes, this is it. And I was waiting for it. I was looking on all the news websites, And then it came up and I scrolled down.

And then there was a picture of me and Danny Dyer outside this restaurant. And the caption was, Danny Dyer was photographed in between filming with a homeless person. You were convincing enough. I was. And I'm pleased about that. Right, let's go again. What don't you fucking understand? Kick your fucking ass.

Let's go again. What the fuck is it with you? I want you off the fucking. You're a nice guy. The fuck are you doing? No, don't shut me up. Man, you're amateur. Seriously, man, you and me, we're fucking done professionally.

I want to read more. Someone said to me, oh, to be a good writer, you've got to be a good reader, but I don't know. I don't think you have to watch loads of porn to be good at making love. Speaking of Sylvia Plath and poetry

would you like to read some because you're a poet I do poetry gigs and I do writing but for me poetry poet or poetry is like

a praise word you know if someone if someone's that's poetry that that's like can be anything from the engineering on a car door

the way like the ergonomics on it or like a football pass or I think just because poetry. When I started writing, I would send some of my writing into this website called Poem Hunter. And it was like a blog. And the only, you know, people could leave comments and someone wrote a comment saying, I've rewritten your poem for you.

It's rubbish, but it's better than you're rubbish. And they're just rewritten it, but it rhymed. And for me, How did you feel about that? She's kind of left it off, really. And I think that it should be called rhyming. Just because something rhymes doesn't mean that it's poetry for me. So they had not improved it in your estimation? I don't think so.

But I think over the years I've kind of developed a good relationship with criticism. It's kind of, you know, I love seeing what people think. Yeah, I notice on your way, website you include negative as well as positive pull quotes. Yeah, I think that's important. In Edinburgh this year there was a couple of reviewers on the front row. And my sound technician came down and said, just to let you know, there's two reviews on the front row.

I've asked them if they'd like to move. And they said, no, they're fine. So they've got notepads out. And I went out and just like, I was told that you're going to be reviewing this show. how's it going and then took their notebooks off them and started reading out

what they'd written and one of them had put oddly moving I'd only been on for stage for like a minute and I was like oh yes already were you moving oddly I was that might have been here

just doing a funky dance on stage actually one of them said I wish you would just slow down So the next day I did slow down. Not that night, though. No. Just to spite them. I've seen your note and I've taken it on board but I'm not acting upon it tonight.

But I will read something, yeah. Okay, what have you got? Well, when I was talking about trying to think of each day being my first, I kind of thought, I wish I'd written a diary entry on the first day of my first day. life? What would that have been like? And I think one of the most exciting things for me about writing is that you can create what doesn't exist and things that you want to exist. You can make them exist through writing and create these places that you can go to. And this is called 24th of the 9th, 82. Dear Diary, it's 8.50pm on Friday night and I've just been born. With the whole weekend

in front of me, as well as my entire life. It feels great being born on a Friday night. I guess I need to start getting ready. I'd like my funeral to be on a Friday night. Service at 7pm, wake until late. At least then it'll be Saturday the next day for everyone else. People won't have to worry about work in the morning. They can concentrate on morning in the morning.

I don't need to think about that yet. Yesterday I didn't officially exist. Now look at me. I've actually been crying quite a lot so far. It's not that I don't want to be here, it's just that at the moment it's the only thing I know how to do with any real conviction. My first day on earth and it's my birthday. What a coincidence.

I can't see any party preparations. Maybe it's going to be a surprise, just like I was. it would just be family anyway when you're born you only have family because you haven't had chance to make any friends yet instant family

just add life I wonder what my parents will want me to do with my time make the most of it presumably that's what all parents want for their children isn't it I owe it to myself to try to enjoy it I'm not sure what the plan for tomorrow is yet

I'll just take it one day at a time I can't really remember yesterday this time last month is even more fuzzy 10 months ago I was My heart is beating which is absolutely fantastic Wow What an encouraging organ Keep going will you

Unbelievable the support you've shown me so far We'll never meet in the flesh I hope But Thanks for everything I haven't seen myself in the mirror yet I wonder what I will look like when I'm a full day old. I hope I don't look too old when I'm a day old. A day is a long time when you're only five minutes old.

Yay. Beautiful. I think I just love having a go. When I first started doing poetry nights, I used to go to the poetry cafe in Covent Garden and sometimes there would be 30 people reading for five minutes each. and just the amount of different words that I got to hear and people's stories

just amazing and they found it so inspiring and you know looking at people on the tube and knowing that they've all got these stories inside them I find that incredible I think that's something that I struggle with is like I know that this is the only time that I'm going to get to be here

and I don't want people to spoil it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I do. Continue. Welcome back, Podcats. That was Rob Orton talking to me there way back in October 2024. But he still exists,

and he's going to be at the Edinburgh Fringe all through August and then touring thereafter with his new show, Jupiter. There's a link in the description to his website where you can find out more. Oh! I am being munched by tenacious summer insects. I'm going to head home.

Get inside. Out of this crazy heat. By the way, I was saying in my conversation with Rob that I never got the memo about why saying Oriental was especially offensive. I'm quoting now from one thing I found. Calling a person Oriental is no longer acceptable because it is viewed as outdated,

Eurocentric and dehumanizing. It reduces complex, distinct groups of people into a single foreign category. Yeah, I mean, it's your classic Eurocentrism. It's just basically saying, Oh, over there people. No one wants to be thought of as an over there person. Hey, I was on Where There's a Will, There's a Wake,

which used to be hosted by Cathy Burke. But Mel Gedroich took over as the regular host. Last year, I think. And it's one of those kind of high-concept shows where you get asked questions, according to a controlling premise. In this instance, it's that you've died.

I mean, not a million miles away from Brett Goldstein's films to be buried with podcast. But this one doesn't veer off into film chat. Actually, having said that, I haven't seen the final thing. I don't know if they kept it in, but we did do some film chat. We chatted about Christoph Kisloski, actually, about a short film about killing,

which I had recently watched. Anyway, it was very nice to talk to Mel. It was filmed, which made me quite sad, but by the time I realized it was being filmed, it was too late to get out of it. So you can see me in my uniform, orange shirt, which at one point, a few months ago, my wife said to me, oh, you look great in that orange shirt. And so I was like, yeah, okay, I'll wear that for lots of things then. but I don't know if I agree that I look great in it. Might retire it for filmed events from now on.

I need a stylist. Anyway, weather's the world is awake. You can see it on YouTube or download it in audio form from all the places. Well, look, that's it for this week. I've got to get back and get this. edited and just get out of the heat zone. And next time we are together, it will be for the Q&A episode. Myself and Diggery chatting through some of the questions that you guys sent in.

And thereafter, for Patreon subscribers, those Q&A episodes will come through fairly regularly. So keep those questions coming in. The address to submit them is in the description of today's podcast. Thank you very much indeed to Diggery for his conversation editing. Thank you to Claire Broughton from Hattrick as well for additional production support. Thanks to Seamus Murphy Mitchell as ever for his production support. Thanks to Helen Green. Thanks to everybody at Acast for liaising with my sponsors.

But thanks, I'm going to have to say most of all to, you because without you there just wouldn't be any point what would be the point i mean i could carry on doing it as a sort of art thing couldn't i but it's more fun when there's people listening how do you feel about a hot hug come here hey how's it going smell like holidays until next time we share the same sonic space go care Stay hydrated. Put on your sun cream. Don't do bad things.

Don't think in pure thoughts. Stay very still. And in case it makes a difference, bear in mind that I love you. Bye!