The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - 27

Uh, we're trying a new thing on this one where I don't check the levels before, uh... Is it even recording? Yeah, it's recording now. So this episode started. Can't you see, like, the volume? Yeah, I get it. Is it like a readout? I get a general idea of where it's at.

Okay. Woo! How was that? Woo! You're screaming. Ah! Ah! There we go.

That's good. We gotta keep it quiet anyways. We're doing another late night one. Well, I guess after, not so much after dark, but after work, I'm nude. We're all naked. I don't say all day, but... We're all wearing smoking jackets and no pants. Yeah, I did.

I did it. The commercial I worked on today, uh, chock full of celebs. Oh, yeah? Who do we got? I mean, I don't even know if they take the NDA seriously, but there's some pretty fucking big names. Oh, nice. Yeah.

It was a promo for a movie, so... You know, it's like a... Hairspray 3? Yeah, it was Hairspray 3. So, it was John Travolta, Ricky Lake, uh, Devine. Isn't Devine dead? Yeah, she's been dead. They dug her up.

He's been dead. The guy... With respect to pronouns. I think the pronoun was he. Firestein. Fire... Harvey Fierstein. Yeah. Stone.

Harvey Fierstein. Harvey Fierstein. Is that right? David! Oh, David! There's aliens coming! Yeah. That's why I didn't understand about the new Independence Day, is that, like, retconned

in a gay couple, but, like, it was implied that Harvey Fierstein was gay in the first one. I know. They already had a gay character. Exactly. And then they came out with a new one, and they just made Brett Spinner gay, and he's like, uh... Well, I think we already talked about it in the last episode.

Was he extra gay? No. He's actually not gay at all. He's basically just like, I'm gay, by the way. They like... Oh, sorry. I was just beating off the two boys kissing. Yeah, yeah, no, he wakes up, and he's in a coma for, like, 25, since the first movie.

Okay. And he wakes up, and his boyfriend's scientist is there, and he's like, baby, you're awake. And he's like, baby, I love you so much. And then they both look at the camera, and they're like, eh? Wait, this is, uh, Goldblum? Is gay? No. Goldblum is not one of the scientists.

He's a guy that... Wasn't he a scientist? No. He's just Jewish. His character is just a Jewish person. And they're really good at math. You know, yeah. But not science math.

No, that's more like actuarial math. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Accountancy. I've noticed that the... Well, there is a signal. I wonder if the script was written that way. Just nine pages of the word. Probably.

Every Goldblum vehicle has that. Yeah. Did we talk about the Independence Day? I think briefly. Yeah, I never saw it. I didn't see it either. That's why we didn't talk about it. It's only you saw it.

It's atrocious. Yeah, it looked like dog shit. No, it didn't, dude. The trailer looked cool. I was excited about it. But it's really not a good movie. When it came and went, and I didn't hear anybody talking about it, I was, like, crushed.

That was the one summer movie I was excited about. Yeah, 2016 was the worst movie ever, right? Probably, yeah. There was no good summer blockbusters. Art is pretty much dead. Yeah. And it's never going to fucking get better. Ghostbusters was really good.

I mean, I didn't think, I thought, like, people were like, oh, well, Trump's going to be good for comedy. And I didn't believe that. And then immediately, immediately they proved that it's not, it's fucking awful for comedy. Yeah, they had, what's her name, crying and playing piano. Yeah, that sucked, man. We're in a golden age of comedy.

What I like to believe is that they had already planned to do that. They had planned to do that. And then they had to get permission from Leonard Cohen. And then he was like, what the fuck are you doing? He's dead. And then he had a heart attack. Oh, God. And then Art killed him.

Sorry, I remember that. It was a shitty idea. That's another bit that I've read. I didn't watch the Chappelle monologue either. It was not good. Everyone said it. I haven't seen it. Honestly, like, you know, I love Dave Chappelle.

But any time I've seen him, since he quit, he's just been OK. Yep. You know? I mean, there's funny moments here and there, but it's everyone pretending like it's, you know, Chappelle like he was fucking 20 years ago. No, it's not. No one, no one, no one in comedy is ever that good.

George Carlin is the only guy that did it. And it's because he had to. Otherwise he was going to go to prison. I'm serious. He owed like, like millions of dollars to the IRS. You're laughing. That's so good. Yeah.

You're laughing, but that's true. Like he owed all his money to the IRS and he like couldn't pay. I hate to say it. He had to like write more specials. So everything from like 1974 on was just so he could pay back taxes. Bill Cosby, I hate to say it. He's monster, but pretty good into old age. I don't know.

He stopped standing more. But I mean, like pretty good for a 97 year old man. I guess I mean, he's probably like better at stand up than he is entering and exiting a vehicle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I watched SNL live this weekend, which I never do.

Oh, nice man. But where? At my apartment. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's Dave like a preface by saying he's my favorite comic ever probably, especially like growing up.

Yeah. But I just did. I didn't see it. I just that Holy shit sucks so hard telling me to give Donald Trump a chance. I'm not. I don't need like a rich person to talk. I don't need like a million Oprah to fucking tell me. Oh yeah.

Calm down. Give Donald Trump a chance. I know dude. Look at his fucking cabinet. It is so good. Just fucking Newt Gingrich. And then fucking the guy from Breitbart. It's just works in the White House now.

That's so good, dude. Yeah. I mean, I don't honestly. We already did a politics episode. You're right. I didn't do that. No. I was fucking that chamber loaded ready to go on Independence Day.

I got nothing to do with it completely. Do you have anything else for it? Oh yeah. I wish you had seen it. It's terrible. You didn't tell us. Amber, did I talk about it on your podcast? The Independence Day movie.

Yeah. Okay. So that's which one it was. Okay. Sorry. Guys, I'm podcast rich now. I've done too many podcasts. I can't remember what I said.

I'm going to get like all timers at like 36. From recording every conversation I've ever had. Where am I? We should just stop talking not recorded. We should just have the fucking. That's what I was saying. That was actually me and Adam's original idea for a podcast. We were going to do like the Nixon tapes podcast.

And we were going to be Nixon and Kissinger having conversations. And then we bring a guest on for five minutes and then talk shit about them for being like, you know, a crypto Jew or whatever after they left. The Jew is not a trustworthy individual. The Jew is a natural spy. Fuck. I love that shit. You know, Johnson's where he's talking about just finger fucking on some other other recordings.

It's so good, dude. Yeah. How do they think that was going to be a good? Yeah. Yeah. Is he on the Nixon tapes? No, but he did that first. He had a conversation with Billy Bush.

Yeah. Yeah. Billy Bush. Yeah. The other Bush dynasty. Yeah. The cousins of the political bushes were entertainment bushes. And they went back.

It was awesome. He said nylons ruined finger fucking. LBJ? LBJ. He's the man. My man was just fucking. That's finger popping. But Nick, how about that independence thing?

There's a lot of bad shit going on in that movie. It opens up and Hillary Clinton is it's not Hillary, but it's basically Hillary Clinton. President Hillary. President bitch. Yeah. And sorry. That's a good one. Whoa, dude.

Hillary is giving a speech and she's like, as you all know, there's been no wars since the aliens left and it's like, you wouldn't ever say that in the context. Right. Right. Right. Right. Nobody fucking, nobody talks like that. And she's like, there's been no war.

You know, it's always like bullshit exposition to catch you up, you know, with the starting point for the movie is, but it's like, that's where the last one left off. You can just assume that there hasn't been some war unless you wrote it into this, you know, your perfect world scenario. And she's like, there's been no war since the, we beat the aliens and we've used their technology to help, but now that's why we have like space flight or something now. And anyhow, just, you know, happy, happy 4th of July, America. That's where the movie's starting.

And then it cuts to her in the office and she's like, great speech, Elizabeth. And she'd been reading over it. And it's like, it's a terrible speech. We're just using it to get to, you know, the beginning of the movie. So why even say great speech? Just have her just look over and be like, oh, okay. And then it cuts to the hallway outside and there's a picture, there's a composter hanging on the wall outside the Oval Office.

There's like, for whatever reason, just jammed into the corner. A picture of Will Smith and it looks like just a still from the first movie. It looks like they just stripped all the text off the first movie. Wait, he's not in it though, right? No, you see a black guy come into the shot and you only see the back of his head and you're like, there's Will Smith. And then it shows the front of his head and it's not Will Smith, you know, and it's like, and then the president, uh, madam president greets that guy and she's like, oh, I'm so

glad you're here. Sorry, your dad's dead, by the way. And he couldn't be here. Sorry, your dad had to do suicide squad and he couldn't be here. Yeah, basically, uh, it's just, it's just so poorly done. That's awesome. The entire movie. Hell yes, dude.

And then, you know, and then the whole idea is like, there's been no war or whatever, but then they have to go to like, meet with these African warlords that carry swords and Jeff Oblombs all like scared when he meets them. And it's like, you just said there's been no war, why would he be afraid of these people? To what happens? The aliens come back and fuck shit up. The aliens come back and they defeat them by doing literally the exact same thing. So it's been like Star Wars where, yeah, they have like an alien, they have a secret

alien ship and then they have to go inside the mother ship to shoot a really small hole. It was like two mother ships or something. I think they like, they learned, I don't know. I mean, it was the same thing with force awakens how force awakens fucking sucked. Yeah. And everyone was like, oh, that was good. It's like, no, it just wasn't as bad as the fucking prequels first three. Yeah.

Yeah. And so it was just the same. It was the same plot. They were like, oh, shit. In it. That's what they're doing with the independence say they're like, yeah, let's just make the same exact movie, not go crazy with it, bring everyone back that we can, except the one guy that made the movie a blockbuster hit.

Fuck. I watched, I was sick all day today. I watched a dog awful, really bad movie. Dog off God awful. Dog awful sucks. Are you not blaspheming anymore? Yeah, you were watching. That's how like fat lady third grade teachers say God awful.

They say dog. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Like a fat lady with the gods of Egypt. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, yeah. And it's all white people.

It's all white people with British accents and the gods are transformers basically. They turned into like flying transformers. That sounds tight. I want to make a movie called I want to watch the worst possible movie. I would make a movie called 13 years as slave and it's about an Irish guy that comes to America. Yeah, it's true. It was worse.

Boston. Yeah. Irish. Irish for slaves too. Yeah. Yeah. But my favorite. My favorite is Greek people are like, yeah, the Greeks were slaves because like the Ottoman

Empire. Yeah. Just took over Greece. Like that's not the same fucking thing as slavery. They're just like some fucking fat Turkish guy. Yeah. From what I understand, from what I've seen in movies and film, like the Roman, Roman term slave just means girlfriend, like exotic girlfriend that speaks kind of broken English.

Yeah. Did you met while you were away at war? That's what slave means. Yeah. Well, it's a Thomas Jefferson had that interpretation of the word as well. Oh yeah. My man was smangin'. My man.

My man. It's all come in like eight times. Yeah. Anytime you meet him. Hell yeah, yeah. TJ, get in there fucking guts, yeah. That was your slaves, yeah. Anyway.

He was such a good writer, dude. He wrote a really sick constitution for us. Yeah. I mean, you thought I met a black person with the last name Jefferson. I'm like, maybe. You know? Wasn't it Fields? Hemmings.

I thought Sally Hemmings. Oh, Sally Fields. Not Stanley Fields. Sally, Stanley Fields. Stanley Fields. Sally Hemmings. Sally Hemmings. Sally Hemmings.

Yeah. His slaves. Yeah, everybody got up in the last name Hemmings is descended from American royalty. That's right. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, dude. Yeah. I never meet any black people with my last name, which makes me feel good.

It's Irish. Yeah. Marlin. Yeah. Yeah. It's not how we talk. My name is Nick Marlin. I've never had sex.

I've never had sex. I've never had sex. I've never had sex before. I think of Irish. I watch the MMA. I watch the MMA. I love sex with men. I live haggis and sex with men.

It's probably Scottish, but. Yeah. It's the same shit. Whatever man. That shit sucks. I watch the MMA. Yeah. I watch the MMA thing this weekend.

Yeah. Connor. That dude is sick. He's awesome. Yeah. He's going to be a movie star. And he just talks shit all the time. Yeah.

He's like, I don't give a fuck. I'm so fucking pissed. And he was trolling. He was like, I'd like to say for, I'd like to apologize to absolutely nobody fuck off. The champ does whatever the fuck he wants. Why is he going to be a movie star? Because he's got. He's going to be.

He's going to be a wrestler. He legitimately will be a wrestler. He can beat people up. He can do action stuff. I think he should get a combat background. I think he should have an level of point. Too bad he's not as fucking citizen. You know, I'm going to be a citizen to be a cabinet to you.

No, you don't. You don't have to be born here. We learned that. Yeah. The last eight years. I found this guy, I was arguing with this guy online and keep telling these like conservative groups that Obama is Algerian and he's bringing Sharia law in the United States. That is so beautiful trolling by the way.

Yeah. I want to call him. Yeah. You're trolling for the good guys now. No. He's just doing the best trolling for. Yeah. He's a chaotic force, dude.

There's no trolling for anything. Well, that's what trolling is supposed to be. He's a troll purist, dude. I mean, no, it's like, you know, I think like the alt-right's probably going to lose a lot of numbers now that like Trump is actually in office, because the people that are just there to be trolls, they can't, you know, they can't just go with. Yeah. Right.

You know, they have to fuck with people, so if their ideas are ever popular. Yeah, but there's still journalists and stuff they can call Jews and stuff like that. That's true. Yeah, that is true. There are some important works still to be done. Yeah. They still need to get rid of them. Well, there's going to be a Holocaust of American Jews and Apex going to pay for it.

Dude, do you hear? Yeah. We're going to make them pay for it. We're going to make these real pay for it. We're going to make these real pay for the Holocaust. That makes sense, dude. Yeah. I hope we got a fucking wall, though, yo.

Yeah. There's already too many fucking burritos over here. Look how nervous Adam is. Dude, don't worry. We'll hide you. We'll hide you. Dude, I'm wearing the... Look at my room.

We're going to have to break your room. Look at my room. Look how good I'm at good at at making copies. That would be... I'm going to put a bookshelf. You'll have your own little... Yeah, it'll be like a five, like a... Yeah, a five.

Maybe a little... A little five. Do you have to have a daughter named Masha who keeps trying to learn English? From the humans? From the humans. Yeah. The humans are our friends. Masha, you must not trust them.

They are my friends. They are not your friends, Masha. They are teaching me how to read. But Fival just talked normal, right? Yeah. I love that shit. Well, Fival was written by Saul Bella, right? Was it?

Yeah. When I was a kid, when I was a kid, people told me it was Jewish, so I liked it. Oh, basically every kind of thing was Jewish. I didn't know it was Jewish. Yeah, it's true. Chuck E. Cheese, Radigan, Mickey Mouse, The Cook, Mickey Mouse, the Rat Fink from the... Anti-Semite. The Roth cartoon.

From what? It's like... You know, there's Ed Roth cartoons, so it's like, there's Drag Racing cartoons, Hot Rod cartoons. Those aren't Jews. They're too cool to be true. Well, the Mouse, the Rat is. Oh, cool.

We're going through... Now I'm just naming cartoon rats that I can think of. Is that an exhaustive list of cartoon rats? Who else do we got? Were there any rats in... What about Tom? Tom's a mouse from... Yeah.

No, Tom's a mouse, Jerry's a cat. No, Jerry's a mouse. Jerry's the mouse. Tomcat. Jerry... Tom is the cat. Yeah, Jerry's Jewish name. Yeah, Jerry.

Jerry's definitely a... Jerry Heller. Mhmm. N.W.A. Jerry. Jerry Steinstein. What other fucking mouse, Mises are there? Was there mice in Garfield?

Yeah, Gar... The lasagna was all mouse lasagna. Yeah. John... John was a Jew? Yeah, John's Jewish. For sure. Yeah.

No, I mean, that's really... There's a Garfield where Garfield... John puts the menorah out and he's like, Garfield, don't eat my menorah, then Garfield eats the menorah. How did he come up with this fucking stuff, man? Yeah, every time I read Garfield, I'm like, is he going to eat that fucking lasagna? What's going to happen here? Yeah, you better not eat that fucking lasagna.

That's a hungry cat. Yeah, I love that fucking KB. You know, it makes me want to get a cat and then I see the real ones and it's like, nah, they're gay. They're too soft. Excuse me. Excuse me. They don't sell those like that.

Sir, can you please leave Petco? He's scaring the animals. Yeah, let me get a fucking cat, you make it talk and eat fucking Italian food, yeah. Why did we open a Petco and dundalk? He's just holding out slaving meatballs. I'm sorry, we had to send all the parrots back to headquarters because they learned the n-word. What?

Push monkey. Get away from my sister. That's a fun bit. I love dundalk, baby. Yeah, we stopped in Baltimore. We were in D.C. this weekend. Yeah. Big Hunt did a little road trip.

We did a sample of the soon-to-be Adam-free episodes. Yeah, once we had 5K, Adam's gone to be replaced with a rotating cast of Jews. Yeah. Dude, it's not, you know, I'm trans. We had a great episode without you. You fucked me. Yeah. That already happened.

I have a mental disability. I'm brain damaged. What do you mean you're brain damaged? I was molested. Yeah. You know, we got a whole, we got the... You were molested on the last episode. I was molested on the last episode.

We got into it. Well, that's why you need me here. No, dude, he's better off off for it. He's stronger now. Yeah. You know, we have one episode without you, you come back, you're sick, you're getting germs all over the microphone. I'm not sick because I wasn't on the podcast.

You know, maybe you are. But I'm sick because of the Trump administration, and it makes me goddam sick by stopping. Is this Dickfield? No. Uh, you were doing the Dickfield voice. That's just me when I'm not around you guys. That's him at home. That's what every...

I tried to gentile it up around you guys. That's Hebrew. That's him speaking Hebrew. That's holding a cup to your wall. Trying to sound just... Trying to perfect the voice. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

His... People have been sending me his statuses the last week. Yeah, you sent me one that was cold. Oh, they're so good. You know, I know I said that I'd know more bullying. I know I promised that. Yeah. But, you know, who saw this election coming?

Who saw this result? And I feel like that's a message from America that it's time to bully again. I think so, dude. You know? Bullying one. Yeah. Alpha Male's won, dude. This is an Alpha Male podcast again.

Well, I think it's like because people were too afraid to bully people that suck, that's how that's how Donald Trump won. It's true. We were too nice. Yeah. So, in the spirit of whatever loose point I can piece together. Yep. I agree.

I'm playing up Seth again. It's time to do that. Seth goes high. He goes high. We go low. Yeah. He had one. Did I send you that one?

Like, ugh. I was in a coffee shop the other day and I'm explaining to the white barista that this is fascism that we're living under and it's like, you know, what are the other people in line thinking while he's doing this and it's just how are you always in a coffee shop getting into arguments with people? He's not doing that. He thought about doing it. This month I spent $47,000 on croissants.

Yeah, take a shot, bitch. Just do it. Just take the medicine. Take the medicine. Take it, dude. Ah, dude. Those were roofies. Yeah, we're about to fuck you in the ass, yeah.

It's got a little menthol finish on it. Hell yeah, dude. Smooth going in. Thank you. Thank you. I wish I could drink. He just saw I'm doing a shot of cold medicine. Oh yeah, anytime I get the flu I become like addicted to Nyquil for like three and a half

weeks after the flu's over. I'm like, yeah, I still need it. Did you ever trip on DXM, RoboTrip? So many times. Yeah. Really? I probably have holes in my fucking brain for the night. It's such a stupid way to get high.

I literally used to go. I've done it. I literally used to eat like a box of corseed and every single day after work and just fucking trip. Corseed and cough and cold. Oh really? Jesus Christ. What does it do?

Jesus Christ. What does it do? Yeah, for like a month and a half long period. Are these the pizza shop days? Yeah, actually. You can't move. You like. Yeah.

You're like. It's like ketamine. Yeah. Do you get a hangover? It's disassociated. Can I do it right now? No, I would never do it. The last time I did it, I threw up.

I mean, I like forced myself to throw up because I started tripping and I'm like, why am I fucking doing this? Jesus. I did it once in college and it was enough. I was just like, I don't think my penis is ever going to come back. I think it's done. Where was it? Yeah.

You just look at your face in the mirror and it just doesn't make sense. It's like, nothing makes sense. For some reason I felt like I had the smallest penis in the world for some reason. So you think about the drug early? Yeah. It makes everything true. True. Yeah.

You understand things as they really are. Dude, thank God. Bitch. I'm wearing these big dick colored glasses. Pichas mudafuka. Pichas mudafuka. Adam Friedland is a little dick-ass boy who has never had sex. The only way to cure the issue of a smaller penis is you must find an albino child and

then you will use the knife to remove the ears and eyelids of the albino child. And when it is screaming, only then will you penetrate the child. We must have this in Africa. I have never had consensual sex in my life. You must never respect a woman. If I know one thing, it is that... I always wear sandals and never respect a woman. The only time I take off my sandals is when I have to rape.

Goddamn, I love this character. I literally almost crashed the car. We were doing that shit over and over again. Just African guy. African man, dude. Come on. Don't condemn his way of life. You know what's crazy is that G-Unit is like huge in Africa.

Not just 50 as a solar, I mean he's pretty big there too. But the group, Lloyd Banks, Young Buzz, 50 Cent is like huge. And he's the number one sell out artist in all of Africa. Who? Christopher Frost. It's Christopher Frost. They love Yacht Rock. They love Salen.

Well, they all dress like him. They have like a silk pink shirt, size 48 waist, billowing khakis and sandals. This cross is actually surprisingly boring dressing. I think he just wore like jeans and a t-shirt. Yeah. Yeah, because he was an artist who when Salen dropped everyone was like, this is the next big Yacht Rock superstar. And then they saw him and he disappeared.

They saw a picture of him in like a magazine because it was pre-MTV or whatever and they were like, this guy. Yeah, because that album covers the Flamingo. Yeah, it's awesome. The green thing with the Flamingo. What's the name of that album? I forget. I don't know what's on it.

I don't know. I don't know. I think it's Salen on it. Yeah. Oh, it's got, what is it? Ride Like the Wind? Ride Like the Wind is on it too. Yeah.

It's got Arthur's theme on there too. Arthur's theme was from the movie Arthur. But I think it's on that album. I don't think it's on the album. But yeah, Jamel put me onto that album. But yeah, then it turned out he was, he looked like a pig. So he could be famous. Oh, really?

How ugly was he? I've never seen his face. He's pretty ugly. He's pretty ugly. Yeah. Damn. Not everybody's cute. He's another guy.

Fuck. Yeah. Pente Guiano? No. I want to say Joe Robinson, but that's not it. That's the song Stepping Out. That was another guy that was like hideous. I forget.

That was part of that genre. Yacht Rock? Not Yacht Rock, but just not, whatever that like contemporary. Adult contemporary. Yeah. Adult contemporary, not, you know, new waves, zero cool, easy music to music to music to watch the euthanasia fucking drugs in your arm while listening to a fuck. That's that good shit.

Yeah. Yeah. Joe, what the fuck is his name? I don't know. I don't know any fucking old white people music because all that shit that I listen to is just my family. My family like listening to Greek music. Who's like, what's like, what kind of Greek music like Greek rock?

My, my family didn't listen to that shit either. Really? Yeah. I got into like Yacht Rock stuff when I was like, yeah, my parents. What are your parents listening to? R.E.M. and Nirvana. Really? Yeah.

My parents are a little bit older. What? Yeah. How old are your parents? Bob Dylan in the Beatles. No. They listen to that shit? Yeah.

Bob Dylan in the Beatles? Holly Drucker, like early nineties college rock? Yeah. That's strange. My parents like Paul Simon and the Beatles and no, my parents, I don't, they like, I guess stayed, you know, like on listens to like Pharrell and shit. Really? She's like 60.

What? Yeah. My dad really fucked with that. Fucking strange. I know it's weird. That's really weird. My dad really fucked with that Santana supernatural album. The one with Rob Thomas?

All the hits. Yeah. My dad, my dad made me download Dutty Rock for him. Shonda Paul? Yeah, yeah. What the fuck? Shonda Paul? Yeah.

That's sick. Give me that album. I love that album. Just Give Me the Light was on that. Does Give Me the Light. Like glue? Oh, like glue is a fucking banger. Like glue is a fucking banger.

Yeah. My friend always does that at karaoke and it's kind of racist, but it's really hard. It's like, at first you're like, this is a little bit racist, but then it's like- White people doing karaoke at all is racist because it's Japanese. It's karaoke. It's karaoke. It's culturally appropriate for white men to use consumer electronics. It's true.

I won't even hear a microphone. That's why I have a Ford television. It runs on gasoline. It's got carbon dioxide. Oh, shit. Oh, man. Goddamn, dude. Yeah, that's fucking hilarious, dude.

You're dead listening to Shonda Paul. That's so funny. There was a period where he had like 11 number one hits in a row. Yeah. And Shaggy too. Shaggy was like the funny version of Sean Paul. Did an ACON give Africa light bulbs or something? Yeah, I think so.

He also just got a light bulb. You know why he's rich as fuck? Because he signed Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga. He got all that Lady Gaga paper. Yeah, he gets a little Lady Gaga who's leading the charge and the petition to have the electors give Hillary the presidency anyways. Well, it's only right, dude.

Yeah. What the fuck is that? People think really? Well, they don't have to vote for Donald Trump. They could save America. They technically don't. But what's the petition going to do? There would be domestic terrorism.

A hundred percent. There would be militia just go like absolutely. It would be like fucking McVay level bombings by right wing extremists if they did that. Damn, that would be fucking. Because those are the guys that are just fucking waiting for an excuse. Right. Right. You know, I mean, what did the fucking, the Bundy shit happen over?

Like a post office? I think that they wanted to like, you know, pick out a calendar or something? Yeah. They wanted to get rid of the Garfield calendar and a post office. Not in my fucking, this is my country. No, it was a land rights issue. Yeah, something. Yeah, there was like, but they took over.

I know what it was, but it's, it's doing a big joke. You don't have to fucking. Oh, who's, he's like a loser. It's their cattle. Beach House. Adam Friedland. Beach House is a beach house. Motherfucker.

This is why you are not allowed to come on the pirate missions. You must stay here and, and get AIDS. Like the Weemon. Stay in the village. Well, what a good bit boys. Yeah. We were periscoping that guy in the car. African guy.

Yeah. I do a pretty good one. Yeah. Oh, you're from Africa. Yeah. I always forget that you're African American. African American. Yeah.

That's why I got into Harvard. So you could join the National African American Colored People. Association. That's your association. The National. National. NAWA. NAWA.

NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA.

NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA.

NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA.

NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA.

NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA.

NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. NAWA. the only african-american thing is the uh... uh... nc double-a

that's true yeah or u s a a you get u s a a you get your car towed i really got it uh... fuck what's up dude tired uh... i'm just sick it's fine i'm sorry buddy

well we're tired because i've been at work since six o'clock in the morning yeah and i uh... i work for a living did and i made an omelette i made a salad today i'm trying to be healthy boys so i'm trying to get back on the health care on the health care i'm trying to you know summer seventeen i'm out there i'm stuck and i'm fucking dude that's what it is you get laid in dc uh... i did

but it was why are you excited like that good that's right there is it was a tough one to you know he's really good at this for like three days i mean complaining and brought it up just a girl that i wasn't for that interested was talking to me and i was like i don't really wanna you know and then she's like hey do you wanna was she a cop i don't know is she in the scene or

she just saw the show she was just at the show and uh... she was just like hey do you wanna have sex with me yes so you say yes and i was like all right and then i did and it wasn't that good and you know i didn't bring my a game you know it was tough she had a nicer she had a really nice apartment

well that's like i couldn't fucking well i was like i had i feel like i didn't deserve to fucking that apartment oh because it was a nice apartment it was too nice for me dude did you have a telescope huh did you have a telescope i love that you had a skylight no telescope place up with tell yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna get a big ass telescope for my room hell yeah look at what you have no windows

no telescopes discovery channel bitch bill bill bill now the science guy i think bill chance like that when he fucks bill yeah hell yeah bill bill bill shut up bitch just bill bill bill inertia is a property of matter bill bill bill ouch bill bill is not a good lover do you think bill my fucks good for you know what you don't show is so much better than bill nice science guy show what beakman's

world the the brooklyn bill nice i remember that i don't remember that holy shit did there was another show there was basically bill not a science guy there was beakman's world in the sky he was like a scientist like yeah it's me beakman yeah learn something you fucking faggot it was low budget as fuck was it pbs yeah i think so yeah i came on like right before bill not a science guy yeah yeah it was off-brand like a hot assistant yeah jacks he definitely fucked her yeah jacks the hot assistant who is beakman he was just some guy just some

like brooklyn scientists yeah just a guy yeah from bay ridge i do experiments mostly phrenology about the different races shit like that but you know i got calipers i'm in the union the thing is their heads they got a big enough brain though if they are too big i'll cave the goddamn skull my calipers yeah beakman was tight dude i remember that shit yeah i preferred beakman beakman definitely fucks better than bill nye for sure bill nye probably like on the news all the time now they're like oh yeah now for a science expert bill nye and i was like i thought he was for babies now he's for adults he's just a fucking he's got like

a nice engineering like you know he's like the older grass Tyson or who's a japanese guy who always sits in that way iosaki who wrote with the hero hima yes it's kuru kuru masaki toyota kato kazuki riro what's his name shurido a kamikaki maho motto hero hero hito okamoto do you ever fuck with okamoto what's the guy's real i don't know his name is uh... dice dice k matzuzaka fuck it um... andrew dice clay

uh... bionk is there ola hooreza hickory hickory dickory hickory dickory the boss growing up the crack oh hickory

don't do it don't do it there's absolutely no way kumia hasn't already done andrew rice clay andrew rice clay yeah there's no way he hasn't done it already he's done every iterate have you ever seen kumia do andrew dice game oh it's one of the funniest things on earth

it's so funny i suck it's really good fuck we should look that up people forget that he's funny he's funny shit because he's racist no kumia kumia is really funny

dice isn't very funny i don't know man did they have to die it's like my favorite comedy album of all time well yeah but that's like yeah but it's irony i know i know i know i know

and yes dice sucks and it's like a piece of art it's incredibly beautiful i've listened to that more than any comedy album for sure well there's another one the neil hamburger one that one's amazing that's one of the best things i've ever heard

that's incredible he's opening for tenacious d at madison square garden and they said alright you do like 30 and tenacious d's fans are just like rabid and they don't give a fuck about it coming from the first punch line no one knows who the fuck he is he just looks like a shitty comic

yeah he opens with what did santa claus get paraselton for christmas and people are like boo and then he's like he raped her why all he raped her yeah and then he just getting booed by i'd say 90% of the stadium

10% of the stadium is maybe behind it that's awesome slash confused right right but like bombing for a sports stadium that's real bombing that's real bombing and the fact that he could just stay out there

and then he kept faking out the audience he's like give it up for the reason you're all here tonight and then he like built it up and he'd be like tenacious d's curtain tenacious d's curtain people are just like we want the d

throwing things at it i got booted carolines week and a half ago at new york's funniest no no another show is just doing a carolines because i was like there was something like i was asking people

i just looked at the audience there was a woman there i'm like who are you voting for and i was like hillary probably and she was like no and they were like why would you assume that i'm like i don't know

she's a woman and then people are like really? yeah and i'm like what the fuck do you mean boo they're gonna boo me and she's voting for trump i mean that's a surprise

why would you assume she was voting for trump in new york was it a trump crowd i mean it was probably fucking tourist yeah i guess it was a trump crowd carolines is all fucking but then here's the other thing though if it's a trump crowd

they're not allowed to be offended right i hate that shit dude that's the same shit that happened at comics come home oh dude that was so funny like people were tweeting at nick the paul so comics come home last week wand the psychs went up

it's his big benefit she started going off about how much he hates donald trump and the crowd starts booing nick the paul is a republican though right nick the paul goes up after her and then starts going in the other direction yeah he's like

i voted for trump yeah he's like i voted for trump all these facts you know i don't know what he said and he called dude he called some woman a jew he was like

he just pointed her out and called her a fucking jew you can imagine what nick the paul said yeah and then so on twitter people are like tweeting at nick like you did great

wand the fucking sucked or whatever and he's retweeting it yeah and then so like at a certain point someone was like you fucking sucked dude

you're not welcome in boston this is like a liberal city and he's like you fucking bombed and nick the paul responds to it and this tweet that said that to him had like one fade no one saw it

and then nick the paul responds to it and he's like yeah and how to fucking wander do it's like just throwing her under the bus no reason not just responding

but i think he quote tweeted it too and then responded to it damn but that's so it's so funny it's real funny dude he's funny as shit but the idea that you would have

wand the sikes followed by nick the paul the weak it's like the funniest combination he's doing that just a black lesbian followed by

the most outspoken does not give a fuck libertarian asshole not even libertarian republican conservative republican you see he's not like christian conservative is he

no he's not i don't know wand the sikes was from boston she is i thought she's from dc she's from dc i don't know she's like dc scene

i don't know man everyone claims everybody i don't know where she's from that's true yeah dc tries to claim lewis black sometimes when he was born there yeah

he went to high school in silverspring yeah so at the same time is goldie hawn sylvester stillone and ben stein that's true

that's a power quad quadruplet yeah they all went to the same place do you think ben stein ever fucked goldie hawn yeah probably

what about sly you know i didn't know that sly the reason he talks like that because he was paralyzed in his pulse and palipers they were trying to measure

his skull to see see what race he was because his family was Italian and you could never be sure with them right how much more blood is in their system

yeah i thought that the mom was lying yeah i've seen too many fucking mullingons coming in and out of here i don't know about this debra the kid's strong as hell my wife it smells like a peanut grease

it smells like a peanut oil why are the door knobs slippery oh fuck damn we did talk about sly in high school already no we didn't i think we did we came up

sly in high school i think so when i feel like we did i wanted i mean i wanted what do you think sly stillin was like in high school beautiful right

fucked a lot i don't know all i know is that he slept in the port authority bus station and then did a soft core porn yeah yeah yeah and then he wrote rocky in what he says 12 hours

yeah no he said i think he says like he wrote it in three days no sleep just sit there type of shit yeah it shows

three days rocky wants a good movie it's a good movie i mean i don't know how good it is is the screenplay right well it did win best screenplay that year

yeah so he's gonna fall in love with the retarded girl yeah you know what i mean i probably mentioned it on the podcast before but one of my favorite things about rocky in the beginning of the movie

when he's like dealing with the mob guys that he's an enforcer for yeah yeah they're trying to get him to hand the money he owes you know from his collection run over and like the two other

enforcers they're in a car and they're like hey rock why don't you bring that girl that you like to the zoo and he's like yeah what is that

and he goes uh because i hear retards love the zoo he's like you piece of shit he starts chasing after car they speed off

rocky three rocky gets brain damage brain damage you know yeah adrian brings him to the zoo oh what yeah in the end of the movie

he's like you know i always love the zoo and i don't know if they knew that or not that's awesome yeah you also did a good slide with the L

the love the way yeah i love the zoo i love the zoo you know when i when he was a little baby he used to fit in my hand

that's the speech from uh yeah i just totally tell this little baby gonna grow up one day from creed yeah yeah i love the creed

everybody i saw i totally that was probably the last good movie he made ever creed was so god damn good creed's good but he's not playing

rocky in that fucking movie that's a different character rocky's not that smarter and sightful no no like a life full of

fucking wisdom he's got brain damage he's got Parkinson's at that point he's been working in an italian restaurant and learning lessons yeah dude

yeah he's wise you know i learned a lot of he went to community college my pecs were just straight up flexed for like 48 hours i was just ready dude i wanted

to fucking just jordan sweatsuit i was gonna start jogging yeah i remember when you saw that movie you immediately texted me and told me you're getting

a jordan sweatsuit because that's the first step in losing weight it's just buying if i don't have the gear how the fuck am i gonna do it buying clothes with

elastic elastic bands you need the jordan sweatsuit you need the 12 o'clock boys i need the 12 o'clock boys to riding around ride doing wheelies

wheelies while i ride as you were doing you can't work out if you don't have them absolutely fuck i literally for three days after i watched that movie

just fucking ate nothing but vegetables and like fucking did push up to shit and then i don't know what happened but you know i got a little derailed

but i'm getting back in there yeah now there's really no point in trying to better your life you don't think so nah okay i'll stop no i mean

i saw those celebrities today on that on that job hello john travolto i mean i i don't know if i can say i guess i guess whatever fucking yeah

emma watson was there emma watson yeah emma watson was it beauty and the beast the yeah i guess uh harry potter oh there goes that india

i mean the worst case scenario they just don't ever fucking hire me again um i said you didn't say it yeah but they didn't hire me knowing that i'm a host

of like the world's most successful podcast yeah they wouldn't they wouldn't let you down that's how we get juicy bits dude because you know i like the level of fame

we're at because we do have the world's most successful podcast it's true but no one knows what we look like you know i could just walk around

my point is i'm not envious of those people you know of what celebrities yeah their life is just a little bit more comfortable

you know they still have a nice amount of people they get their own green room and you know a special meal or whatever dude their fucking days offer so much better

like them just blowing off a day why how is it better than mine they get better cooking they have couch nice couches instead of floors

i don't know i don't think their lives are really all that much better they get to go on pedophile fuck jets i think it's you know

you make enough money to be comfortable you make enough money to be comfortable and then there's like a huge gap and then there is pedophile

secret fuck planes and the guys that like make their own space programs if you have enough money they're like yeah i'm gonna go to the moon and i'm gonna build a house

over there and like maybe you know but if you're just like a midlaw like what's her net worth it's gotta be what am i watching

dude are you fucking are you kidding me shit dude do those harry potter harry potter three four million dollars she's fucking rich as hell dude she can buy a little island

yeah well her life is so much better than yours it's not even close i disagree you're wearing a tony hawks shirt

with holes under both arm i've had this shirt for literally probably 22 years exactly dude she hasn't she hasn't had anything for over like six months

yeah does she look good yeah she looks good yeah of course that's the other thing too when you meet celebrities is like you see them and you're like

oh that's where you're famous yeah really good you just there's nothing like fucked up about you and up close perfect yeah you think like

you know oh well that's all makeup or whatever but no their like faces are symmetrically perfect they don't have any

weird tics they have to like not have fucked up personal lives what like Emma Watson couldn't have a podcast called come down

no you know you are better than Emma Watson i am you're better no you're right i agree Emma Watson also couldn't have a 22 year old shirt

and like just not bathe for a week or change your clothes or you're making solid ass points yeah these are

better things that you get to do that's the way i see it i care with some fucking british piece of shit has to say about it apparently she had to drop out of college

because every time she's like she was at brown and every time she like answered a question people would be like five points of griffin door that's a good bit

yeah i respect that i don't even know what that means apparently it was really annoying and she had to drop out of school did you see that

so that was like the thing this week is Harry Potter pussy that's like Harry Potter yeah there was plenty of people

doing that but there was one girl that everybody found there was like one girl that like exemplified those tweets where she's like hufflepuff

we need you to be whatever it was the gayest thing i've ever seen in my life that was very funny yeah jill and hall we need you to

flick your sister yeah but then somebody found another tree that lady did that was like this reminds me

of in the care bears movie when the cousins call and say we can all help it's really a movie for babies that's like

for babies they don't know how to speak it's for babies it's all because of colors she's like oh as soon as

donald was elected i had to get my teething ring and i flipped through my books that are made so that

they float in the bathtub hillary clinton is basically barnie i sat down in my play school desk with the little wheels

on the bottom i would love one of those honestly those bouncy shits where the babies fucking go they can't walk it but you have the

physics of a baby that's what i'm saying dude give me a big ass proportion the bouncy thing looks fun i'm like a big sexy baby dude that's kind of

my brand sexy ass baby yeah the circumference of your head is probably like 36 inches yeah probably

do you wear fitteds can you wear fitteds i can wear fitteds some of the bigger fitteds he tried to put

my hat on one time and he looked like a you know like a Popeye character yeah i got my snapback has got to go all the way

the fuck up you got to go to the one snap the one snap maybe two if i'm feeling fucking how much of that is fat though

i don't think much dude i have a big ass head just have a big head yeah like my fucking i'm feeling it right now do you think that's

the reason you're fat yeah i mean i would want to eat salads i don't want to have fried chicken for breakfast three days in a row but

your body was like oh we got to do something about this head proportions i do got a big ass head though i lost a little weight in college

and my head looked hilarious okay so we have to have like some kind of bit this week so let's say that there are

famous celebrity executions okay would you like seat killed how and how would it go down you know i'm saying like

you know we're going to ease into it america's going to have to get to this point but probably in like five six months we're going to see you know

trevor Noah shot you know executed uh Lena Dunham for sure oh yeah that's they're going to save that one you know

that's like the main event yeah yeah of course yeah um fuck how would they how would they die would Lena Dunham die

just like in a i was saying fed fed to rats i think that'd be cool if they have a big rat pit in the white house it's very hungry

rats uh huh well he tricks he's like Lena i would love it if you would come over we're going to have a great dinner it's going to be a

fantastic dinner and then he fattens her up he he's she's he gets he hand sling gretles her yeah yeah

well it's a long dinner table she's on one end to bring her food but there's a hole at least to the rat pit underneath her chair and the chair is placed

on saran wrap and you see eventually the chair tears smart down to the rat pit yeah it's broadcast on fox it's a prime time special

good to see the rats eater that's cool yeah and guess who's watching that's right john glenn american hero he's in the audience today

let's go to john john it's been 60 years since you were the first man to use the n word in orbit how do you feel about this how do you feel about watching this one be eaten by rats

or like you know how the celestials and dead and deadwood yeah feed people to pigs yeah yeah yeah you know like that kind of thing

i like like medieval torqued devices is that a early slur i think they made it up for deadwood half the shit the deadwood is made up

they didn't oh really yeah because the way the language in deadwood i'm watching it right now oh moonies because they have like a

lunar calendar yeah that makes sense but i've never seen deadwood the way they talk in deadwood that's not historically accurate no no it's not they made it up for the show and that's why the show's so good

it's so well made it's so cool but you know it's not a particularly good show i disagree i think the dialogue's great have you gotten to the episode yet the two episodes

were swear engines not in it i just got i just passed that yeah those episodes the beginning of season 2 those episodes but the two episodes immediately preceding those

are incredible is that where dan gets into the fight with sylas no it's where swear engine gets in the fight with the fucking bullock yeah yeah

but it's like they get it if you're not familiar with the show sandra bullock is she plays so deadwood is a show about a wagon

that can't go less than 5 miles per hour otherwise they lose all their slaves oh fuck it's really good what about these executions i think lin-man-well's

gotta go oh yeah lin-man-well's going for sure he's gonna be thrown into a burning dumpster by a mortal technique that was so awesome he got bullied by a cool

ass fucking dude a cool rapper a cool rapper i don't think a mortal technique's cool but he's cooler than lin-man he's cooler than lin-man

you're right he's corny he's like the mean version of lin-man-well he's corny he's corny he's the mean version of lin-man-well right right right

you know what i mean they're like two different sides of the same right right right right of woke rap so lin-man-well's gotta go i think chris collinsworth the football announcer

not only football announcer i'd love to see him the former host of the guinness world records tv no was it was it yeah chris collinsworth hosted

i would love to see him execute a non-sports thing yeah that's awesome i think rats just eat chris collinsworth alive yeah

now he can't go you can't go all rats oh no i thought it was rats was the format no rats is reserved for lina he gets his head kicked off

like a football we should have kickers kick him in the head i just wanted him to feel like a fucking idiot before he dies to know that everyone thinks

he's such a fucking idiot that sucks what did he do wait did he say something did i miss anything chris collinsworth it just sucks dude just people who we think suck

yeah how about this terry bradshaw catches they said chris collinsworth let's go chris collinsworth fucks terry bradshaw's daughter

terry bradshaw comes in and gets mad yeah he gets mad and kills him i like that that'd be fun who else do we want to see die just uh oh oh

rosy is for sure rosy odato she's a client dude rosy odato is going to start the resistance she's just like she has an underground bunker here's what we're going to do rosy

here's what we're going to do rosy she came up like a we're going to put you in a bathtub and we're going to hold you face down in a bunch of nickelodeon gack until the bubble stop coming up we're going to hear nothing but queefing noises until you're

completely exhausted from this world okay rosy that's your choice i think it really returned to prominence like she was i i didn't think about her for 20 years until the selection cycle oh this election?

yeah she hasn't done shit since how about they do this they sew rosy odato's mouth onto uh michael moore's stomach so she can only breathe through her nose and as michael moore gets fatter

eventually the pathway to her nose is sealed by his weight and then he it's like it's like human centipede except michael moore has complete controller

and could save her life but chooses not to because he's addicted to tootsie rolls rosy i'm sorry about this i know i know this is wrong i'm so sorry yeah i just have to have

one more slice of cheesecake we have i'm stressed tomorrow i'm pro double m dude i'm from michael moore

michael moore he was right he got the election right he got the election right and you know what i like i liked a lot of his documentaries talking decomposing jack-o-lantern

he's disgusting he looks like a woman he's got that weird he looks like a weird his hair hangs out of his hat and they look like dog ears he looks like

he looks like an extra from all dogs go to heaven like some dog that's down on its luck that's like charlie please stop trump there was a mom there was a mom on my baseball team one of the moms on my baseball team

one year looked exactly like on your baseball team one of the kids adam played mom league baseball i played mom league baseball it was a league of their owners me rosie the michael moore mom

a league of their owners is a good ass movie yeah it's a league of getting owned and it's adam and seth cockfield seth dickfield who's that guy who's that other guy yeah i don't know

i'm thinking about doing a new character named barf seth touch that way it's like different enough that uh you know barf yeah you can't yeah barf seth touch

okay you just shifted enough that you know you can't you can't reasonably say i'm making fun of seth cock well that's not a character you're talking about a new guy you just met

yeah um barf seth touch well i'll forget about it and we'll bring it back later okay um i still can't believe that barista thing i'm telling this white lady

it's gonna be fascism and she's just rolling her eyes and i'm there and i've got crumbs all over my shirt my pants have fallen down everyone can see my ass and then i look over at the indian woman who also works there

who i know is indian somehow by the way there's no way she's any other ethnicity or nationality south asian she's gotta be indian and me and her we're looking at each other

and we just know you know that's what i love is that all these stories always involve him like sharing a look with someone that he thinks he's relating to right right right

but he's the least self aware person in the world i love it so he has no idea that people fucking hate him yeah so the stories never involve anyone

agreeing with them there was a black and there was a black guy in the corner and i'm sure he felt the same way i do there was a black woman sighing loudly

clearly at the barista yeah she was she was eating hot fire cheetos in my ear and that's a sign of respect

in our community i heard it she was probably thinking you go boy ooh boy i knew she respected me i could sense it i have a sixth sense

for women of color well the food's here so that's gonna be the end of the episode and you guys wait wait wait do we have a live show

the 28th of this month November the Monday after Thanksgiving i come on everybody we're having a live show that's the name of the bar come on everybody it's on franklin

and bro franklin avon show sells out every time so i don't even think we need to plug it we should plug it get more people out different people out

you know it's gonna sell out anyways please come and buy tickets six weeks in advance he has a very supportive friend group it's not true nick is making this up

it's not true please come to the show please come to the show guys thank you you just don't bother coming you know shut up you bitch alright

see you later