The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - 28

Fuck is this a family reunion? God damn, it's Brooklyn in the house! Alright, we're gonna set this up, fashion your seatbelts. This shit is definitely real. Now how many y'all like sex? We're gonna talk about sex. Now check this out just the other day, right? I went to the top floor of the World Trade Center, they got a bar up there.

And I see this bitch got more butt than a box of new ports. Woo! Now this shit is definitely real. Hell yeah. Now how many y'all like sex? Check this out man, I be having sex sometimes. And this is what you do man, you know how it is man. You get the girl down there, a hoe, you bend over, you pull your dick out. What you do?

You put your dick inside of the pussy. Pussy. 17 minute act out. God bless y'all, and remember let's get the guns off the streets people. Get the guns off the streets. And then Martin Lawrence comes back on stage. There are 157,000 murders in Chicago yesterday. I got caught in a deaf comedy jam.

Why don't we call it a black hole? I want to sound... LASIST. I do not want to sound like a LASIST. It's a Chinese guy saying he doesn't want to sound racist. What's the guy's background? Give me a little bit of flavor. The Taiwanese. The guy I'm doing? It's a Jewish man doing a racist impression of a Chinese.

Let's wait for it off. Yeah, yeah, no I see it. That's the thing about it, all these damn Jews are so racist. Every single one. I agree. I went to DC last week and met a lot of nice fellas. And they were saying a lot of the same things about Jews. I've been saying since I went to camp.

The black Israelites. They're the original Jews. That's quite a show by the way. I love those guys. Just setting up shop and watching them. So somebody, I had kind of a legal issue going on this week. So I didn't have time to respond to them. Also, just a heads up, I'm getting a lot of notifications for Facebook messages.

If you're messaging me and I'm not responding, I am banned from Facebook. I can't respond to you. I have no, I can see the messages, but I can't respond. So I'm not ignoring you. I know a lot of people are probably... People sliding your DMs trying to suck you off on Facebook? Yeah, I don't know. I think, you know, I mean, if it's, I don't want to say Reddit guys,

but basically anyone in any online community is fickle. So you don't respond to them for two days and they're like, actually you know what, fuck this guy. So I'm not ignoring you, I just can't, I can't respond to anything. This is what fuck you pieces of shit. Yeah. I'm the bad boy, dude. They're going to be fickle.

I'm the bad boy of the group. I'm like the administrator. I'm like the chief of medicine here. I don't know what that means. I'm house. Who's the guy that runs the hospital? You're the... You're the...

You're the sexy Jewish bitch with the big nose. The doctor. So what's the administrator? It's like the... You're the bitch with the big nose on house. I'm house. No one watches house. Adam is a...

No one knows what the fuck you're talking about. Adam is a... I don't know what the gay character is. This is a diagnosis murder household. You're right, I'm sorry. So basically... But I am house. I'm a...

I'm fucking dick van dyke. Okay. You're Scott Bayo who has written off the show. Yeah, Belly. Adam is the guy that replaced Scott Bayo. Yeah, yeah. Now, but Scott Bayo was so much better than the guy that replaced him. Yeah, and then he went on to do some bullshit show where he's like a...

He's like a doctor that's also a poet, I think. Who's Scott Bayo? Scott Bayo. That's why he left out against his murderers to do some other shitty daytime. To switch it up. To switch up the doctor. He was the dumb doctor he was. Yeah, I forget.

You know, I made... I used to run... I think it's still on Twitter. If you go to twitter.com slash PAX television. I had like a Twitter parody account. Back when I was struggling to find content that hit, I had... Where I would just pitch PAX TV shows. So I know that there was one Scott Bayo joke on there.

And now I can't remember the difference between the Scott Bayo joke show I came up with. Where he's a doctor that's also a hobbyist beekeeper that moves to the big city and needs to use his bees to, you know, cope with the medicine life in the big city. The best idea I had on that one was a show called Checking Engine. Hello. And Branscom Richmond plays a Navajo man that uses stereotypes to solve crimes. Branscom Richmond, by the way, plays Billy Six Gun on the show Renegade. Oh, yeah.

Starting Lorenzo Lamas. Yo, that was a good show. That show is badass, dude. I'm trying to watch some Renegade. I liked Lorenzo Lamas. He was... I mean, I'm a fan of a lot of 90s action guys. You know, your Lamas's, your Lundgren's, you know...

You would put Lamas in the same category as Lundgren? No, no, Lamas was a TV guy. Lundgren was a movie guy. I forget the guy who played Adrian on the Highlander TV show. Oh, yeah. He was great. Yeah. And, uh, Gabrielle or something?

Uh, Union. Gabrielle Union. Gabrielle Union. She fucks Dwayne Wade. Dwayne Wade? Well, no. Hold on. There was a point.

Oh, yeah. Also, there was a kid... Dwayne Wade? There was some guy... There was some guy who's like a university. He goes to some school and he fucking emailed me questions. But then I had this, like, legal thing. Oh, fuck.

Oh, yeah, the guy. Yeah, he wants to do his school report on us. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it was like... Basically, I guess, you know, maybe I shouldn't just blow up. I guess I could respond to them on the podcast. That's easier than typing. What is it?

University of Montana. Well, he was like, yeah, I guess I could pull him out. He was like, you know, are you worried that people are going to think you're a bigot? And, uh, it's like, you know, I am, I guess, right? No. By pretty... By, you know, the looser modern definition. I don't think anyone would be cool.

I don't think you are. I don't think everybody... Substantively, you're bigoted. I think that you're actually... I run a barely ironic podcast. I say racist shit all the time, and I get money from actual Nazis to do it. So, I mean, if I'm not... I don't know for sure that they're Nazis.

If I'm not a bigot, then Steve Bannon isn't a bigot. No, I do. We're by the same definition. You're right. We aren't as funny as Breitbart. That is true. Those are some fucking good asses. Steve Bannon made his money off of the Jewish sitcom, Seinfeld.

Yeah, that's true. And we are making our money off of the Nazis, so we're the opposite. Why would some shitty article that was like, he drew inspiration from... Who's the filmmaker that made Birth of a Nation? Uh, oh, uh, fucking the... Oh, no, not Birth of a Nation. Shrine for the Will. Uh, Lanny Riefenstahl.

Yeah, yeah. They're like... They show in like every film class. Yeah, she's a genius. Yeah, to be like, oh, he drew inspiration from a Nazi propaganda. And so was the guy who made Birth of a Nation. He's like a filmmaker. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, what's his fucking name? Not DeMille. She should be DeMille. Yeah, it wasn't DeMille. We're idiots. This is the whole fucking job. First of all... I don't know.

It's Michael Bay. I think anything... You know, I used to say... I used to say... I used to say, any movie that's a silent film, it's bullshit. Not worth watching. Hell yeah. It's too antiquated, and I'm right about that.

Yeah, that's right. No, there's one good one. There's one good one. Is there one with titties? I don't care what you're going to say. You couldn't even have titties back then. There's one. Yes, you could.

In the pre-code Hollywood, you could have titties. Really? Yeah, they were much slottier back then. Oh, hell yeah. And women played bigger roles, and then after they introduced all the code. Oh, they dumb shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like 30s.

You could even kiss. And 1938 is when... In 1938 is when... A window outside. But no, I used to say... It was like fuck off screen. No silent movies are worth watching. And then I updated it.

Now it's no movies without color. A couple years ago. That's fine. Yeah, so... It might be one or two. Now it's... If it doesn't have CGI in it, it's bad. Yeah, seriously.

If there's no turtles. Because the technology's gotten good enough now. Yeah. You know, I'm not talking about Scorpion King, you know, Mummy 3. Yeah, that shit's fine. I'm saying, you know, I want it... Avatar is the only good movie. Avatar is the only...

Not even a good movie. Because, you know, it's not a good movie, but it's the only movie worth watching anymore. Wasn't he gonna come out with like 12 avatars? I will go to the theater unless it's for something like that. You guys should know this. I'm shopping around for a 4K television. Basically what that is, is it's four 1080p televisions combined into one TV. So that level of resolution means that's four different ways that I'm better than you.

Yeah. And when I watch a movie, I'm experiencing it to a degree that you'll never experience. There are no Steven Seagal movies in 4K. Yeah. We all just gotta check for $1,000 each. Yeah, we're rich, bitch. I'm buying a 700 dollar blender. I'm fucking making soups in that, bitch.

Because that's how hot they get. Stop actually copied my idea to get the blender. Guess who's gonna buy first, bitch? I got a meaning. It's my idea. I got a new TV, guys. Did you? Yeah, it's a 3K TV.

And it only shows racist...nice. Oh yeah, okay. That was pretty good, man. That's a 3K TV. That was really good, Adam. You were sitting on that when we were talking about 4K. Then we started talking about what we're gonna buy with the checks. I'm sorry.

I couldn't get in there. And you thought this 3K joke is so good, I thought it would save it for after a whole another topic has been introduced. Well, it was fast. It was fast-moving. And it was just one topic. Maybe if you were feeling the flow of the conversation, instead of being pleased with yourself because it's a 3K joke.

I just thought that if I brought back the 3K joke, that it would be a funny enough joke to disrupt. So what else are you gonna buy with these things? Yeah, when I was a kid, I thought...I get anxiety when people bring up the clan because as a kid I thought it was Clu-Clock's clan. Yeah, yeah, me too. What do you mean? Hold on.

And so I said that to somebody one time and they laughed at me in fourth grade for saying Clu-Clock's clan. And then that's why...so whenever the clan comes up, I get nervous. It's not Clu. It's Koo. It's Koo. And it's because I fucked it up one time. I used to think it was like chickens.

So the thing that makes you nervous about the KKK is the pronunciation. Yeah. It's not that they're existence and you're just like... Yeah, no. That's my privilege is that I get nervous. I'm embarrassed about the conversation. I'm pronouncing it wrong, not them like fucking doing hate crimes to your family. Well, that doesn't affect me.

Well, no, it does affect you apparently. How so? Nick can't handle antisemitism. I thought it was Clu-Clock's as well. Oh, yeah. I had to get off Twitter. Nick quit Twitter because of all the antisemitism. And you know what?

I support you as an ally. You know? He's also wearing a yellow star in solidarity with me for the month. And I think that's great. I really, I support you. Well, we do make you wear a yellow star. Well, I have to. In true punk rock tradition, I got a giant swastika tattooed on my chest.

Yeah. And a little arrow underneath it that says bad. No, get out of here, swastika underneath. So people know. Fuck, dude. That's awesome. Yeah. People know that I'm against the swastika.

That's fucking tight. Yeah. It's cool. It's anti-fascism. I like that. I like that. Anti-fascist. Dude, anti-fascism is where it's at.

I was putting pins on my leather jacket. Oh, dude, yeah. Also. Did you guys see that pin that was like $10,000? Like Swarovski crystals. It was a safety pin. So funny. I just mean I like putting like Gigi Allen pins, you know?

Like I'm a cool guy. I love Gigi Allen. That's real music, man. Real music is when you just get up there and you take a dump on the stage. Have you seen the documentary? And then you show everyone your dick and you smear the shit all over your face. And you talk about fucking kids. And you eat the poo.

And then you eat the shit. You eat the poo poo. And that's like, you know, that's the kind of shit you miss out on with your fucking MP3s and your CDs, you know. That's like real vinyl. Right. Who is visceral? It's immediate.

You know, you're like seeing the man poop on stage. Smelling the poop on stage. You know, you're seeing him eat it. It's something more, it's punk rock, you know. And there's always some posers. And there's always some posers wearing the shit from that show to the show. Oh, yeah. The older shit.

You gotta wear last year's shit he left off. He went to the merch show. You can't wear shit from the same guy who just walked in. He went to the merch table, bought a t-shirt. You gotta have 311's shit. You gotta have a big turd. Not even the same genre of music. Who the fuck went to a G.G. Allen concert?

You saw that documentary. I found out what that was like and was like, hell yes. That's what I want to fucking... Some guy screaming is gonna smell horrible. The guy that might rape my mouth while I'm fucking... It's also like you can get that for free in New York City everywhere. Yeah, just take the train. That's what the train is.

The only people I knew that liked G.G. Allen were just like fucking try hard 13 year olds, right? There's not still this. Were there any grown men at those shows? Were there grown people? No, it's music for 11 year old. To say that you're cool. To have zero imagination.

That are mad that their dads haven't come back. Yeah. That's why I'm glad I never liked Bacowski. There's a whole period where people are getting into Bacowski and I'm like, you realize this is trash, right? It's garbage. This is really bad. Jake liked Bacowski.

Well, Jake is a man of many tastes. Well, no, it's one taste. You like Bacowski? Yeah. What do you have to say about that, Adam? I think it's cool if he's into that, but I think I don't... I agree with Nick's take,

because Nick is my boss. Nick ain't my boss. Dude, I'm a fucking independent contractor. I'll do whatever the fuck I want. Yeah, you guys are independent contractors. I'm not necessarily your boss. No, you're my boss, chief. That means if one of you individually gets sued

for something that happens on the show, I don't have to help you out. Well, if I get... If I get... One of the odds is someone gets sued for something on the show and it's not you. If I get injured when I get sued, I've never said anything bad about anybody.

If I get injured on the show, which I'm planning on... I said true things. What's Jake gonna sue me for saying you like Bacowski? It's fucking true. I'm gonna talk about that. If I get injured on the show, I'm gonna file for... Yeah, Jake doesn't even...

We do workman's comp? No. That's... You don't understand. No, you... Nick, you have to do it if I get hurt. I'm gonna fucking... Stop it!

Ow! Adam's bitch! Ow! Stop! Ow! That's a work-related... Yeah, what if I hit him? The soon you be accountable?

One part of independent contract, if you don't understand it. If you're employees, yes, actually, because of a respondent superior. Well, let me be vice president. Which means that anything that happens, even something like that, in the course of normal day-to-day business,

I would be responsible for it. Now, after that, I could, you know, go and sue you. I could also sue him because you colluded to make it happen. Was it collusion? Yeah, you posed it as a hypothetical. First of all, I have...

Already, I have nine lawyers. And everything I say, yeah. Everything I say, they go lobby and make it into law. Oh, wow. Holy shit. I don't know that. That's fucked up.

That's what I'm talking about. That's juice. That's real juice. That's power. Yeah, that's power. So we're gonna become Wall Street guys. We have been wearing suspenders ever since we got these $1,000 checks today.

Yeah, dude, I'm in hair club for men now. I'm wearing suspenders attached to my oversized basketball. Yeah, that is such a bad look. I have a French cuff shirt, you know, stripy. You do have tie-dye socks, though, bitch. Don't tell the listener. That's some straight Jewish summer camp socks right there, my dude.

Oh, hell yeah. These socks will listen to fish, dude. Guster. So what's going on this week? I guess, you know... Thanksgiving, bitch. Yeah, Thanksgiving. I can't wait.

I'm gonna give a fuck. In honor of Thanksgiving, we have a couple of fun little facts, maybe stuff you didn't know about Thanksgiving. We've been prepping this bit, so I think it's ready to go. Yeah. It's been in the oven. It's been roasting. Yeah, like a turkey.

Like a turkey, yeah. Like a big turkey. That's pretty good. That's pretty funny. Adam, do you want to start? I have one, hold on. That doesn't pick up ever. Why?

He does that every episode where he farts at the fucking mic. It just doesn't register. The fart gets trapped in the wind guard. Dude, I bet it registers, honestly. It doesn't. I'm the guy that fucking listens to the man. Every once in a while, one of them goes through. No.

That wasn't a good one, but anyway. They're never good. Also, you should do better farts. I'm trying, man. I have not been eating that bad, by the way, so... Yeah, you do very small, lame, like French girl type farts. I've been trying to eat better. That's why.

You're a fraud. You should do some thunderous kind of a wet... I've been wearing a fat suit. I'm sexy as shit, actually. You're dead sexy. Dude, I'm so fat. I wish fat suits would come back. Hopefully in the Trump administration.

Absolutely. That's all comedy. Honestly, you know, people are like, oh, this is going to be good for comedy. It's like, yeah, it's going to be good for comedy if comedy goes back to being racist. Because that's good comedy. You know, I mean, seriously. People are like, oh, wow, adventure time. It's actually got a lot of jokes for adults.

No, it's for babies. You know what had a lot of jokes for adults? Fucking Daffy Duck when he was using the N-word. Those are jokes for adults. We're going to talk about children's entertainment. It's meant for a grown man. How about Porky the Pig calling somebody a Jap and shoving bamboo under his fingernails? That's a joke for an adult.

You're dead, Jap. Those are good adult-oriented children's cartoons. Yeah. The N-word. The N-word. The 7 Dwarfs. That is. You expect a child to understand the jokes printed on the back of that murder-incorporated truck?

Well, it's very nuanced and adult. Oh, fuck, the 7 Dwarfs. That shit is so terrible. The prince's teeth are made out of gold, and they've got, like, dice markings on them. Well, gold, that's expensive. Yeah, children don't understand that. It's expensive, too. They don't know about any of that stuff.

Yeah, that's true. Well, children are fucking stupid as shit. Yeah. You're right. I still think we should make that cool sultan sketch. That would be a good sketch. With all this money? I had another idea for a fucking sketch the other day.

Oh, yeah. It's like a dog fight, you know? I love that. So it's like a warehouse. We could use my dog. Real tough urban setting. Yeah, very urban setting. And all these dudes are like, yeah, and then we'll write the N-word into it.

There'll be a lot of guys saying, yeah, you know. Like, I'm gonna say my man right now, but you know what I mean. It's like, yeah, my man, let me get, you know, setting up the dog fight. They got the dogs in the pit, and they're like, yeah, you ready to do this shit, my man? You ready to do this shit? You know, so this is like the U-Pan 20 version of the sketch. You know, like, so they got the dogs there, and there's a guy with a boom box, and he hits play on the boom box.

Yeah. And you know, the audio is like, obviously coming from the boom box. It's not, you know, overlaid the shot. And then out of the boom box, they're all listening to like, in the arms of the angel. That's their favorite shit at the dog fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the song they listen to. The one from the commercial.

They're like, yeah, yeah, that's my shit, my man. Yeah, my man. My man. My man. Yeah. That's the sketch idea. Do you think Tarantino, like, he's like at his keyboard? My man, please.

Tarantino is like, my man's running around. Oh, guys, stop it. So to answer your question, yes, the show is bigoted. It is ironic, but you know, what does it matter? Because it's a slippery slope, irony. Look, you know, look, that's why I had to leave Twitter. VanCult is going to openly defend the American Nazi party. Yeah, that's tough.

There's no room for guys like me anymore. At least online, relegated to the world of podcasts where there's still a little bit of nuance left. Yeah. This is nuance. This is nuance, dude. That's what I was thinking. I would break my heart if my daughter ever brought up my man home.

Shut up. Do you think there's a guy out there that's like, you know, a guy that's like, I don't care if you're gay, you're my son, I love you, but don't you ever bring a Mexican man to me? Yes, for sure. I think so. You can be gay, in fact, I'm glad you're gay. Yeah.

The Bible actually says it's okay. Yeah. People read it wrong. It's like that for gay Jews, where they're like, where they're like, you know, as long as you bring hope into the Jew. Which book actually says that it's wrong to be gay? Leviticus? Yeah, it's the same one where it's like you can't wear, you can't fucking eat shellfish.

It was my bar mitzvah portion, actually. Oh yeah? You just chose it? No, that was just around my birthday. Just want to send you a message there. Just in case. You have to make sure he's not a... They're a little suspicious.

I'd say like, read it like this. Now, Edam, read this very carefully. My dad crocodile doesn't need it. No. Goodbye, mate. I'm from South Africa. Oh, Edam's gay dad. Blumen Onion, Governor, Cheerio, Tip Top.

Put another boffit on the lorry. I'm gonna suck off a kangaroo, I am. That's not how it's South African sound. I can do a South African accent if you want. No, Edam's gay. Edam, my son is gay. We're gonna do our version of the South African accent. We don't want to hear your version.

I'll have a gay son named Edam. He's gay. Oh, he's gay because I ate too many crumpets while I was pregnant. Well, I was an organism mom. Inside Africa, the man gets pregnant because he's got a pouch. Like a fucking roux. I can show you guys the South African accent if you want. And then he sucks it.

You know what he does is he puts a kangaroo's tail up his ass, and then a kangaroo nods at him. And he sucks off a wallaby? Yeah, fucking country, dude. You know, it's okay for us to say that because South Africa is racist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's us doing freedom fighting. There's a story my dad used to-

Fucking white ass. Down with fucking- White ass South Africa. There's a story my dad used to tell me when I was a kid. Is this shit called apartheid? Yeah. Down with that shit. There's a story my dad used to tell me when I was a kid.

And was he like, eat him? He sat me down and he said, There was a lion. And a great warrior. Great. That's pretty good. Yeah. Scottish.

That's pretty good. Scottish accent. Unlike our spot on South African accents. Wait, what were we talking about before we started? Thanksgiving irony? No, oh yeah. Getting head. South Africa's pretty stupid.

It's a beautiful country. They've been making so many shitty movies. Leasing and- Is that guy? District 9. It's just that one guy. Chappy. Chappy's kind of tight.

No, it's not. It's not bad. I watched it. I watched it wrong. It's not bad. It's bad. District 9 was pretty good. District 9 wasn't that good.

And people thought it was good. And then he's like, what if I made an even shittier movie? No, he's like, what if- He's like, okay. First of all, we're going to have robots. Right? Okay. No, there's not.

The middle one is at least you. The robots. The robots. Represent the blicks. The blicks. And then everyone else represents the whites. And it's really about apartheid. It's not-

It's like, yeah. It's like- Is that Chappy? Is that District 9? No, that's what District 9 is. That's what Elysium is. Elysium is the one where- It's all about apartheid.

Not Damon. Not Damon, who like- He has some bullshit accent or he speaks Spanish or something. He doesn't speak Spanish or he's the one guy raising the barrio. Yeah, there's like a barrio. There's a bunch of fucking Spanish people. The movie sucks, dude. Elysium sucks.

Chappy sucks. Okay. Well, sorry, dude. It's not my fault. I don't know that guy, Neil Blumconf. I'm mad because we were talking about something. Then we got sidetracked. Thanksgiving, irony, inculter, Nazis.

Oh, yeah. The inculter thing. Yeah, that's fucked up, dude. Yeah, that is fucking weird. She's just outright defending Nazis now. I'm shocked. I am. I would think she would be that dumb.

I actually kind of am. You know? She's- It's presumably scary that Nazis are just like- She's just a troll, right? Things that pundit- People say that all the time. Like, whenever they're confronted with somebody that, you know,

just has these ridiculous beliefs, they go, oh, they're a troll, which is the case with maybe two or three people. She knows how to piss people off, though. Sure, but she believes it. Oh, sure. If their beliefs just pissed people off, why wouldn't she anyways? There are plenty of bigoted idiots that don't know how to piss off a ton of people, and she is not one of them.

I don't understand the motivation behind saying, oh, well, they're just a troll or whatever. I think that's like- I'm not saying that- I'm not saying that as an excuse. I'm not saying that she- But there is this narrative of these people that just have regular beliefs, but put on this fucking-

People think that about- Bill O'Reilly. Black, Bill O'Reilly, all these types of motherfuckers. And I guess I sort of did think that about Ann Coulter. Well, Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly makes more sense, because they're like former radio guys. Right, right, right. Glenn Beck, more so.

Bill O'Reilly was like, he's got that little hat and shit now. He's got the little hat and that scarf. Oh, yeah, he looks terrible in that picture. He looks so funny. Oh, yeah. Now he's black lives matter. Wild Wild West.

Yeah. Yeah. Wild Wild Kanye West. Yeah, yeah. He's like Westworld now. Yeah. It looks like he goes to get his dick sucked by fucking barmaid's in Westworld. Yeah.

Well, he goes to Westworld to suck Thomas Jefferson's dick. I fucking watched one episode of Westworld when I was high, and the point of that thing, these people pay money to have these like fantasy experiences. Yeah. And then just like a lot of them are just rape. Yeah, and murder. They're just rapes people.

What the fuck is that? I don't know why it has to be the Wild West. Why would rape be like a destination thing? It's not rape, but they're having sex with prostitutes in the Wild West. No, that guy like rapes people. But it's also like there's no way in the future in the world he wouldn't just have prostitutes.

Right, right, right. Like I don't understand why you would go with your family to the Wild West, and you'd be like, honey, you and the boys have fun. I'm going to have sex with this extremely realistic robot that has its own personality. It needs to be wiped at night. I'm like, no, it's not cheating. Because, you know.

It's like if you're going to rape dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. That's essentially what this is. That's what happens. That's crazy. Why would you... That's the fucking... It's because human beings actually have a dark nature. Oh man.

That's how you know the show is smart. That's pretty good, man. It's kind of like Black Mirror. It's for smart people. I actively hate Westworld, but I've for some reason... I watched three episodes of it. I didn't want to watch it.

I watched ten minutes of the first episode and I was like, yeah, this is a bad show. And I've kind of been... It just costs so much money that I feel like I have to watch it. I don't know why. It's stupid. I don't know why. I was watching Sopranos again.

I love it. I'm back in. I had never technically finished the Sopranos. I know. You're a fucking idiot, dude. I know. I'm plugging away, dude. That's what I'm doing over Thanksgiving.

I'm just fucking eating a steak by myself. And... And watching Sopranos. Guys, so Thanksgiving facts. That's what I was trying to say. Oh yeah! Well, I didn't sidetrack us on that one. That was someone else.

No, I said, Adam, what's your Thanksgiving fact? And then, stop saying something. That was our homework for this week. We're rich now. We have to prepare for this podcast. Absolutely. We have to start writing bits in advance like all the other good podcasts do. You think Mark Marin just lets his show happen?

He's like, nah, how am I going to act like a cunt this week? He writes all that. This is a character I'm doing. He's actually a really nice guy. Yeah. But that's his character. He's an angel. So Thanksgiving is basically the holiday.

And he hates going to the fucking post office. Where Christopher Columbus met with the Indians. That's right. Known as Italian-American Christopher Columbus. Right. And he said, we're going to have lunch. We're going to have a big old fucking meal. Yeah.

And then that's how... They had macaroni. They had gravy. That's how we're going to make peace. They had a lot of gravy. Yeah. They had some gravy. Very good gravy.

Some macaroni. And then what happened was, because of his flashy style, his flashy but very accessible style. Italian style. Because he wanted to fuck him. And the chief got mad. What are squaws? That's a type of Indian?

I think that's a woman. I think it's like a group of friends. I thought that was like a woman Indian. Squaw. Squaw. Squawgulls. Squawgulls. Squawgulls.

And then the Indians got mad and tried to fight him. Well, what are the types of Indians? And then he had to have a genocide. It's Apache, Dothead. Savage. Savage. Dot. Jesus.

Muslim. Sikh. Sikh. Yeah. Turban style. Sikh is actually, that's like the SS. If Muslims are Nazis. If Muslims are Germans.

Then Sikhs are like the SS. Yeah, yeah. Like the Schittstaffel of... Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why people are like, oh, these Sikhs are being attacked after 9-11. Yeah, yeah. They had too much pride to do 9-11. They weren't responsible for it because they thought they were too good for it.

Yeah, it's a cowardly way to die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If the Sikhs could have found a way to chop down the towers, I'm sure they would have. And that justifies it in my mind. Guys, Nick is just a troll. Now he believes all this stuff. You know what, and I probably brought it up before, but where the fuck is... What happened to those Turbans that had the jewel and the feather?

I know. That was tight. Yeah, I could fix Muslim-American relations with the general public in fucking 20 minutes. If you just let me sit these people down and just say to them, once and for all, bring back the jewel feather turban. Wear it. The Muslims don't wear it. I don't think they have turban. We'll pay for it.

I don't care. Start wearing them. That's what people want. They do want that. You make a deal with the police, you put a camera in the jewel. One gold tooth? Yep. Yeah, the NSA will pay for the cameras.

The Muslims become the police bodycams. They get the cool. Everyone thinks they're Aladdin's dad in law. Jasmine's dad. The good guy. Because right now I'm telling you, you're Jafar. He had a turban with a thing too. He did not have a jewel and a feather.

I think he did. I think he had a red jewel. No. He was also kind of fruity. That's true. But did he want to fuck Jasmine? All the bad guys were gay. But Jafar was sort of an Omar Mateen character.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you think about it. Yeah, yeah. He was like a closeted radical. Omar sucks pee. He used to just go to the gay clubs and be like, I hate it here. I hate it. Everyone's so happy.

I don't want to have sex with anybody here. That's my Jafar. Pretty good. Not bad. Not bad, right? Yago, let me suck your parrot cock. They're supposed to be Muslim in Aladdin, right? I don't know.

They're supposed to be Arabian. Arabian, yeah. But didn't Jafar want to fuck Jasmine? Yeah. No, he only wanted to marry Jasmine so he could have a descendancy. Yeah. But didn't he have like a weird creepy wanting to fuck her, a fucking eater? That's not creepy.

She was hot. She was gay. She was the hottest girl. For sure. Well, yeah, for sure. Out of any Disney girl. She was fired, dude. And she was hot as shit.

She had ass too. She had ass too. I'm actually only attracted to the POC Disney princesses. In case anyone's listening and keeping score in terms of the things I've said. Chuck, a big fat, that's like a hundred points in the Good Guy category. Yeah. In real life, just white women. I actually only wanted to fuck Sebastian, the Jamaican lobster.

I wanted to have... That's huge, man. That's transpecies. That's black. I want to fuck him. I want to use his Pinterest on my balls. Put his claw in my ass. Put his tail in your ass while he pinches your balls.

The Jamaican. I want to fuck Mulan when she's dressed as a man. I want to put the tea kettle. I want to fuck the tea kettle. Warm up that. I want the candle in my ass. That French candle in my ass. What's he doing?

What's going on in here? That has to be the gayest word. Candelabra? That's the gayest word. There's no way. There's a Liberace documentary. Yeah, for sure. That wasn't bad.

Scott. That candle definitely went in people's asses. That guy was definitely a gay candle. Gaston was gay. Gaston was hella gay. You think Gaston was the only straight character in The Indies? What are you talking about? The Beast was gay?

We were all gay except Gaston. Gaston was the only gay that was straight. Gaston's assistant? LaFou? LaFou. Holy shit. I wanted to suck off Gaston so bad. What if we're...

My favorite thing about Beauty and the Beast is that like, you know, first of all, Belle is a piece of shit. That character sucks. She's just like the only person in town that knows how to read and she's like, I'm better than everyone here. Yeah. Fuck, her dad works hard. Like, you know, he's got a job making shit.

Sure, the shit he makes sucks. But she's like, no, I'm just going to read all of this. These men just did suck dick. Yeah, she fucking didn't do shit. She sucked. And then everyone in the town is just like, you know, like no one's like, didn't we have a prince at one point? Yeah.

Wasn't there some kind of government here that like oversaw everything? The prince has just been missing for years. There's a mansion in the woods that no one checks in on. I think we talked about this. Yeah, we might have. But who else would you fuck though? Sleeping Beauty? Jasmine, dude, she's so far.

Yeah, Jasmine is the hottest one. She's so far. She had to ass. Were there any women dwarves? Why weren't there any women dwarves? On what? In Sleeping Beauty and the Beast. No.

That's the only man. The other one. No, they all, they all, there were seven dwarves. I love that. Oh, Maleficent probably, she was fucked. I love going to DeviantArt accounts where the seven dwarves are doing gang gang. Oh, the best shit on DeviantArt. Yeah, that shit is great.

The best shit on DeviantArt. They're all just fucking with their little but thick ass midget dicks. The best shit on DeviantArt is Train Sonas. It's autistic people that draw themselves as trains. Oh, yeah. So they have like, you know, so it'll be like a top. Hell, yes. It'll be like a colored pencil drawing of like a Thomas the Tank engine character.

But then it'll have those like, those shitty rectangular lens crafters glasses on the train. Just no emotion on the train's face. Like this is my Train Sona, Eric. Train Sona. Yeah. Stupid names person. But it's a train, yeah. Damn, that's some good shit.

Oh, Arthur, she got divorced. Oh, that's funny. She left him? Yeah. What did he look good? I mean, better than Arthur should be able to do. Yeah, well, that's true. Arthur should really only fuck people that look identical to Arthur.

There's no lateral shift. There's no lateral shift in looking like that. You know, you can't be like, oh, well, his wife's ugly, but in a different way. Like that's peak ugly is Arthur. Yeah, that is true. You want to hear? Arthur looks like the brain bug from the end of Starship Troop. Oh, fuck dude.

My cousin, this is funny kind of racist thing. My cousin, well, we don't want to hear it, man, is dating a Chinese guy and she did it. So one chat family. She did Snapchat face swap with his grandparents. Like these two little Chinese people. And they look exactly the same as without the face swap. Old Asian people. It's like, yeah.

Completely. It's really cute. You think that's why communism worked in that country is because they all look exactly the same? Yeah, you just replace one. One goes out. Yeah. Yeah, but I mean, because even the Chinese people, they have to come on. They have to be like, come on.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, there's like with white people, they all came from like, at some point, all extremely racist countries that insisted on inbreeding for, you know, thousands of years. So that's what you do have some kind of. So we're all cocker spaniels. Yeah, exactly. There's different like breeds of white people, but with China, it's like, I mean, come on.

There's like four people that live there. No. It's like the Sims, dude. Dude. It's like China is an entire country built on like create a wrestler presets. There's one guy that's like an asshole with like tie dye sweatpants and a parrot on his head. I think they juggalo makeup.

I think they all look really different. I think there's at least 12 types. There's like the Yao Ming. There's the Jackie Chan. There's sexy bitches. There's different flavors of sexy bitches, you know, the ones with big titties. The ones with their tall, but trim, so that's like two people right there. Thoughts?

You know, I think that probably if you live in China, it's probably easier to differentiate between different people that you live with. I don't know, guys. If we have any Chinese nationalists that listen to the show, just call in. Go ahead and call in. Let us know whether or not. And I know this is like definitely an extremely stale inquiry, probably dating back 30 years, but it hasn't been resolved.

We're doing like a David Brenner bit right now. Have you ever watched David Brenner? I just have no answer. Oh, I'm getting a call right now. This better be good, dude. This better be a fucking hilarious thing you have to say if you're going to do a phone act out. What is it? They hung up.

Who hung up? Oh, they hung up? The Chinese national that was calling me. All right. Thanksgiving facts. So the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. Yeah. Yes.

Do you know it's originally the Nina, the penis in the Santa Maria? I do now. I saved it. Hell yeah, dude. It was Nina, Latina, Rita, Shalandra, Freakly. It was a Peetie Pablo. There was a fourth ship called Freakly. Peetie Pablo was the original settler of Catan.

He came over from Europe for spices. How fucking funny is that that like all of the problems as far as racism goes. Because the food was too bland. Colonialism, yeah, is because somebody was like, I'm trying to put some hot sauce on. Oh, my damn bread. That's how Europeans actually talk back in the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I learned this from the black Israelites.

Medieval Europe, all black men. It was. Just the kings. Yeah. Everyone else was white. All the subjects were white. And the kings and queens. Dude, I fucking love them so much.

I know. I wish I could participate. I would fucking love to be a part of that. Jezeb and their stupid costumes. I love it. Just screaming at people, dude. Yeah, King Arthur, oh, he was black. King Arthur was black.

Merlin was black. Merlin was black. Yeah. Like, yeah, none of those people were real. They weren't to take them away from us. You know how you spell Merlin? M-A-R-Y-L-A-N-D, yeah. Nice to meet you, boys.

God. Yeah, very nice, very nice. Balmer Merlin. Yeah, what do you guys do for Thanksgiving? I was going to roll with you, but I just found out that you're not going home until Friday. Yeah. So what the fuck is that? But Thanksgiving is tomorrow.

Yeah, but... So you're not going... What the fuck is the point of going back on Friday? Well, some of my family's not even going to be there until Friday. So I just... You're having Greek Thanksgiving? No, we don't really give a fuck about that. Greek people don't really care about Thanksgiving.

So I'm just going to go... This is why Ann Coulter's right. That's why GC go back. I'm going Friday. Greek people don't care about Thanksgiving. That's why we need to kick them out. This isn't a women's shelter. It's a country.

Yep. I went to Starbucks today and had them write Thanksgiving on my cup. Yeah. Yeah. This is pretending to have a problem with it. You're a gun in the selfie video you're taking. Yeah. I want you to watch this, YouTube.

I'm going into Starbucks now, and I'm having them write Kwanzaa Christmas, Monica, Thanksgiving, Arbor Day, every holiday I can on the cup. If they run out of space, I am discharging my weapon. I'm going to fucking kill the ethnic barista that's paid too much money. How is that? That's like the last battleground of America. Why are they so mad at Starbucks? It's fucking lattes.

I'll tell you why, because if you drive cross-country, you go to some of these shitty ass towns in the middle of nowhere. The only thing they have is a Starbucks. That's like the most cosmopolitan place they have. Yeah, dude. That is New York Liberalism. That's the beacon of liberalism. If you walk in there, it's like a fucking Woody Allen movie to these people.

Yeah, I love that. Every year, it's fucking something. They were just writing Trump. That shit is so good. What a fucking protest. They won't write Trump on my book. I'm going to give these motherfuckers $12. My name is Swastika.

You've got to write it on there. That's the rule. Yeah, like that's even a law or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the fucking Constitution. They're the same people that insist on misgendering people. Yeah. They're like, I am fucking saying Bruce.

They're like, they wrote my name wrong on the cup. On my double shot, red-eyed, flat white, that I had to have mine special. And they wouldn't do it. So now that you're not wrong, what are you doing? How about you, Adam? We're having Thanksgiving at my apartment. Ooh. I don't have to go back to Las Vegas.

No Vegas, dude. Your parents are immigrants, too. My parents are immigrants, but they embrace a lot of American shit. They assimilated like bitches on like my dad who hates America. He doesn't like basketball or anything. He hates everything, dude. Really? He hates it all.

If we didn't even take the language, fuck no. You couldn't even really speak to me. Well, my parents were English-speaking immigrants. Right. We had a little bit easier. My dad got kicked out of his citizenship exam. Did he? Yeah, yeah.

Because they... This is a bullshit. Literally, yes. He was like... Because he couldn't spell things, right? And they were marking him wrong. And he was like, I don't want to be a fucking citizen anyway. Literally, he did just like that fucking...

He got kicked out. He got tossed and he never went back. So wait, he's just overstaying his visa now? I think he's got some kind... I mean, I don't know. Hopefully he's legal. Because I will report him. We will report his ass.

It would be so funny if because Trump, my dad gets deported. I'm gonna report his ass. Dude, don't do it, dude. Don't report him. I wouldn't... I won't say his name. Yeah. It's a scary time.

You know, it's like in the first Care Bears movie when they call the cousins. Yeah. We can all help. But did they win? Did they beat Trump in the Care Bears? Yeah. Hillary becomes president in the Care Bears. I just found out that woman, Tulsi Gabbard, on our Smart Politics episode.

That was like, yeah, she's gonna be the next president. She's a U.N. ambassador. No, that's Nikki Haley. No, no, that's Nikki Haley. Yeah, well, she just got it. But they were talking about Tulsi. She met with Trump. She met with Trump, yeah.

She's also a fundamentalist Hindu. She like supports Prime Minister Modi and India like killing... Oh, Modi supported genocide. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like killing like all the Muslims in India. Jesus Christ. She was like protesting against gay marriage like real hard. What?

Yeah, yeah. What's the good thing you open your stupid mouth about it? When I say smart shit, yeah, yeah. You're wrong. You're also wrong about the fucking stock market, which nobody has apologized to me for you. I never said that. He did on the election night. Everyone was like, oh, the fucking stock market's gonna happen.

No, I said immediately on election night that they were gonna be running hog wild and like making a ton of money until the next fucking collapse and we have to bail them out again in front of... No, no, no. Everyone was like, oh, the markets are collapsing. I was like, it'll bounce back. No, and he's gonna have a fucking political operative as chairman of the Fed. He's gonna lower interest rates around election times and he's gonna keep winning.

But that doesn't mean that we're gonna have an overall healthy economy. What do you think the next bubble is? The next bubble? Yeah. I mean, financial institutions are gonna... It's gonna be the same thing. Financial institutions are gonna get way too big and if any of them fail, we're gonna have massive systemic failure and it's gonna tank the entire economy.

It probably won't be a finance industry that does it. It's probably gonna be the... The market. What market is gonna... The sex doll. The sex doll. Sex doll industry. Sex doll.

I think water and now. You think water is gonna do it? I think water is the most important thing in the next hundred years. Yeah? Yep. They're gonna like fucking... We have more water though. The glaciers are melting.

See, look, these people, they don't even think these things through. Look at him. He's making up excuses now. We're gonna melt the ice caps. Everybody's gonna import the melted ice caps all the way to Flint. I think that... The TransPP bill. The TransPP bill.

The TransPP bill lets trans people go to China for free to pee pee in the Cokeers revenge. Sounds good to me, but it costs a lot of people toilet making jobs. I went to a toilet factory in Flushing Queens where they invented the toilet. I met all these people. They love me. I said, we're gonna flush Hillary. So he's not locking her up now? No, he's not locking her up.

You should go to r slash lock her up. It's pretty funny right now. Oh, is it? Yeah, yeah. That sounds great. Yeah, they're very upset. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

They're like, he's not the FBI. He's just a fucking president, man. He's like, he can't tell them not to lock her up. Yeah, they're pissed. Yeah. I love how much they want Hillary Clinton to be in jail. Oh, no. Like, why do you peep?

I mean, look, Trump this week is like, first of all, I met Obama. He's a really cool guy. Yeah. First of all, he's really, really cool. My man Kushner is just running shit. It looks like. Who's got a hilarious name? Kush?

Kushner. You know what's got a better name than Mike Crapo? Yeah. The, uh, what is it? The Crap Man. Hey, Crapster. Where is he from? I'm with Crap.

I'm with Crap. God damn if he ran for anything and fucking. Who is that guy? Who's Mike Crapo? He's a. Hold on. Hold on. He's you.

He's a senator from Idaho or congressman or something? I don't know. Fuck. Is he really me? Yeah, he's you, dude. That's fucked up, dude. Whatever, dude. He'll be in a bathroom trying to fuck a guy.

That's why they want to keep trans people out of the bathroom. Because that's where they try to fuck us. I might accidentally fuck a trans person. I'm trying to. I'm trying to fuck a real man. I'm trying to have sex with a real man in the bathroom stupidly. I've made that joke. I've made that joke.

Yeah. Well, I just made it now. I just heard you made that joke. I said it on stage. None of us witnessed that. Sounds like you're fucking lying again. I'm not lying. When?

Where? What show? Crooked a piece of shit. I did it at the Hollywood Improv. I did it at the Hollywood Bowl. The Hollywood Bowl. I did it at fucking Carnegie Hall, dude. Really?

The Carnegie Deli in line. Across the street from Carnegie Hall. They named the hall after the deli? Yeah, it was there first. God damn it. You learn a new thing about this city every freaking day. That's what I love about it. Andrew Carnegie actually took his name from the deli.

He named himself after the deli. He was a trans woman that lived in the bathroom. When he got rid of his dead name, he chose Andrew Carnegie after the deli. He chose his name because he likes the sandwiches. We should go to Deli. We should get Deli for lunch. You guys want to get Deli for lunch? Not really.

I want there to be something funny to happen in this episode. I feel bad about it. Wait, there's funny stuff? No, you know what? It's my fault because I wore workout clothes. I got too comfortable. Yeah, your T-levels are out of control, dude. You're wearing your compressions, right?

I'm too masculine right now. It's no time to be funny. You just want to fucking get yoked. Yeah, I want a snowboard. I want to fucking pull Sean White's bitch-ass hair. How dare he have that hair on my mountain? He doesn't have it anymore. He cut it.

Not on my mountain. Not on my beach. This is a soda drinking, crew cut wearing fucking mountain. Yeah. And if you ponytail boys come up here again, I'm going to tie your balls to the fucking chair lift and put that shit on full blasts and rip them off. Holy shit.

Yeah. And I just fucked him up, man. And he serves, too, dude. He serves? Yeah. Not on my water mountain. No, this beach is locals only. Hey, locals only.

Hey, everybody do the shock-assign, Adam. Listen, look at these fucking bay-hay over here, man. This fucking boo-hoo bay-hay. Fucking bay-hay. Is this Hawaii? Hawaii voted for Trump, right? No. Hawaii's like the most liberal state in America.

Hawaii loves Trump. They love him. They got that hair cut. His hair cut looks like the ocean. That is true. That is true. They do love the water. The clouds over the ocean.

He's very tan. They love tanning. Do they still have a king? They love having skin cancer. Yeah, they all do have a skin. Didn't they used to have a king? They have a king? I feel like the king of Hawaii is the guy that eats a 15-pound burger and gets his picture on the wall.

No, it's the guy from the punch. It's whoever the fattest, Simone. It's the king of the buffet. Yeah, I'm about to challenge myself. Mahalake. Yeah. Let's do a Hawaiian episode. This man has drank so much coconut milk.

This beach is locals only, bro. The king is the guy from the punch, the punch guy. What punch? Hawaiian punch. Oh, that guy. You know that's a hat? Yeah, I didn't know it was a hat. That's crazy.

You thought it was antlers. You thought it was part of his head. Yeah, I thought it was some weird antlers. No, it's a hat. It was weird hair. Well, they updated it. They got a new Hawaiian punch guy now who looks like he has cancer, by the way. Yeah, he does not look good.

Why is he so fucking pale? Yeah, I thought it was some weird ginger, like the ginger in a city of God. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, I understand he's actually from the favela, but do you understand how confusing this is going to be in racist American audiences? Ron Weasley. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Why the fuck Archie Andrews is in, you know.

Yeah, he should be denying these people welfare in an office area. He shouldn't be in the slums. Karen. Yeah, fucking carrot top in Brazil. Dude, that guy looks fucked up. I met him once. You met the guy? I saw him at Costco.

I thought you met the guy? What? Carrot top? Carrot top. At Costco in Vegas? Yeah, yeah, he lives in Vegas. I would love to walk up to Carrot top and be like, man, I just got to ask you, where did your name come from?

And then just act completely blown away. I was like, it's because I have red hair. They're like, oh my God. I never realized that. Mr. Top, big fan. Dude, he was buying so many props. You want to know something artistic about me? My friend like quizzed me one time.

Sonic came up. Sonic the Hedgehog. And like, do you know Tails? Sure. He's like, do you know Tails is full name? It's like, yeah, it's Miles Tails Per Hour, which is his full name. His name is Miles Per Hour. What the fuck?

That's true. I happen to know that. And he's like, yeah, it's Miles Per Hour. And I was like, oh, and I just, yeah, it's Miles Brower. But I had just known that it was Miles Prower. And he was like, wait, you just remembered that as a name? I was like, yeah, I didn't understand why that character. I never thought about it.

I thought it was, yeah, it was just like a weird deformed animal that has like a man's name for some reason. Like a black tax attorney's name. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds like it. It's the law office of Miles Prower. Esquire. It sounds like a personal injury.

Please leave a message and we'll get back to you at our earliest convenience. Sounds like a, like a South Central LA personal injury attorney. That's basically an identical joke to what I just said, that adds nothing. That adds literally nothing to what the fuck I just said. You're going to take the joke and now I'm going to make it mine by saying the exact same fucking thing again. You couldn't even go on with another middle class occupation about a TV the other day. That's a classic.

Yeah, that's a classic Adam right there. I got a 3k. Shut up, bitch. 3k TV. Tails was a small boy that Sonic fucked, right? Yeah, Sonic fucked Tails. Sonic fucked Tails. I think that was like a video game thing.

Donkey Kong used to fuck Diddy Kong. What was Knuckles thing? Did he fuck Sonic? No, he punched. He was a punch guy. He loved punching. But do you think he fucked Sonic? Was there a woman in this universe? Yeah, there's a girl.

And I don't know if she's a- She was yellow. Amy. Amy is the girl. And did Dr. Robotnik fuck anyone? No, Dr. Robotnik is asexual German. Was he German? Yeah.

Well, maybe he's Russian or something. I always figured like he was the villainous Jew. You know what I mean? I always thought he was like a villainous Jew. Right, didn't you? One of the classic archetypes. Yeah. I wish I could grow his facial hair.

Like just giant orange triangles coming out from the sides of my face. Yeah, what is that? It's just like a Chester B. Arthur cut. Yeah, they just put no effort into animating this shit. They make it. You know, all of it stems from like when video games were like fucking 8-bit. Right. So the proportions fit into whatever they could make look like a distinct shape, you know, on that screen.

So when it became a cartoon and they just kept going with that blueprint, they were like, what the fuck is this? I guess that's just what this guy looks like. It just becomes sort of freaky, messed up shit. Some weird oval. I don't remember what he looks like. What's up with Chris Chan these days? With who?

Chris Chan. Who's Chris Chan? Oh, you don't know who Sonichu is? No. Christian Weston Chandler? No. Oh my God. How the fuck did, how have I not told you guys that before?

Is this like a computer thing? No. It's the most trolled individual in the history of the internet. Really? So it sounds like a computer thing. Yeah. I mean, I don't even know if it would be worth it to go into it because I'm sure everyone listening to this knows who Chris Chan is.

I think probably a lot of people don't. Like me and Snow. Well, you're completely ignorant to what I'm talking about, so I don't even know what your frame of reference is to say people do or don't know about it. I just, I think we have a lot of listeners. Yeah, okay. Well, I'm sure a lot of them, anyhow. So about 10 years ago, about 10 years ago, this guy got popular on the internet.

I'm like mostly on 4chan. It was an autistic guy, like a 24-year-old autistic guy, lives with his parents for posting this video, where he's like, it's wrong to be gay. Oh, hell yeah. Being gay is incorrect and you should always be straight, you know, or whatever. But he's got around his neck this weird medallion made out of model magic that looks like a yellow sonic. Hell yeah.

And people dig deeper and they find all these cartoons. He makes comics that looks like shitty. He has the artistic abilities of a fucking 10-year-old. So he draws these comics called Sonichu, which is a character he created that's just Sonic combined with Pikachu. Oh, that's cute. Yeah. But he's a homophobe.

He's weird. So, you know, people would like to sort of observing him, but over the years, the trolls became more and more involved in his life. And he had all of these ongoing dramas and his main things, at least 10 years ago, where he was in search of a boyfriend-free girlfriend. True. And he just self-described a boyfriend-free sweetheart. Oh, hell yeah.

So he would put up, he would have a sign that he would write up that he'd be like, I'm looking for a girlfriend. And he would go sit on the community college campus. But then he had qualifies on there like, she has to be white. She cannot be, you know, like just racist and stuff. You're not allowed to be fat or whatever. Hell yeah. He's just a statistic guy.

And like the dean of students, you know, kicked him off and he got into this feud with the dean or whatever. And then he was constantly being banned from his local game shop. So he had these feuds going with it, you know, and he would make these videos of like, create a character and like soul caliber of him murdering the dean. He would like make the dean then make a character for himself and then have videos of him stabbing the dean. And then the police had to get involved and like, you know, and it just got better and

better and better. So he had this quest to find a, he could describe himself as a, as no vio phobic, which is some bizarre combination of Spanish and Latin or Greek, I guess. Yeah. Which means a boyfriend free or boyfriend phobic, you know. Okay. And so he became a, but he just stalks women. Like, you know, there's a woman that worked at the mall that was nice to him.

And so he like, unfortunately she was nice to him. So he would just like wait outside the store and stare at her and she'd be like, get out of here. And he would like run away, you know, come back and stuff. Jesus Christ. So as he got more and more attention online for his shitty comics, like people started trolling him. And it was all these like 12 year old boys that would call him up because they sounded

like girls. And they would pretend to be girls to troll this grown autistic man. Oh fuck. What did he live with parents? His parents. Yeah. And you know, so then obviously his nudes got leaked and videos of him fucking blow up doll.

Yes. And screaming like, oh, Julie, I love you, Julie. Oh my god. A 12 year old boy pretending. And this was like all happening 10 years ago. And he's got, so now he's trans. Is he? He's trans.

He basically killed his own father. I think he set their house on fire. He got them kicked out of their house because he uploaded. He's like a tour of our home and the department of like health found the video and their home is just in disarray and trash everywhere. What? So they got, they got taken out of their home. And a couple of years ago, he got arrested again.

We'll buy him a computer. It'll be good for him. Yeah. He got arrested again at GameStop because they changed. Get this. This is one of my favorite recent Christian things. Sony changed the color of Sonic's arms from tan to blue. Yes.

Oh. And he's like, that's not what Sonic's arms look like. Yes. And so he went into the GameStop. And his video of him doing it, he's just, he's fully trans now. So he's dressed like a woman and he goes into the GameStop and he's trying to color in Sonic's arms with like a blue magic marker. Yes.

And the employees are like, what are you doing? And he starts macing the employees. Oh, what? Yeah. And he's like, how stupid you are that like, Sony makes a change. Yeah. So you go to your local GameStop and decide that's what's going to change it. That's what's going to change it around.

Dude, you got to be the change you see. Yeah. No. He's, he's so good. You know what? And, but he's from an older version of the internet that was much fucking meaner. And that's where like, you know, Brandon and all these fucking idiots are like, oh, I love BB or whatever.

It's like, you know, you're exploiting him. Right. And the older fucking generation of internet people had the courage to be mean to these people. Yeah. Positive control. Yeah. Pretend like you care about fucking BB, Brandon.

You're laughing at a retarded man. Fucking own it. Yeah. Oh, BB's so nice. Oh, no, BB. Shut up. No, don't support Trump, BB. BB must be thrilled.

Isn't BB a Trump supporter? Yeah. Huge shrimp. Oh, fuck dude. What are you wearing the clothes on? I don't feel like recapping Sonichu for people who already know about Christian. It's really worth it. Um, geez.

What are, what are, uh, what else? I've had nothing, man. I've been dealing with this legal bullshit all week. Yeah. And I won by the way. I can't go into details, folks, but, uh, chop one up for the little guy. Yeah. Just looking good.

Adam, have you fucked recently? Oh, actually I haven't fucked. Really? Hit a little bit. Yeah. How it's a little bit? Uh. It's your dick.

Shut the fuck up, Nick. Take that back. No. Dude, take that shit the fuck back. No. Take your dick back to the tiny dick store. Dude, I lost the receipt. So I can't even, I can only get store credit.

No, but if they look up your, if you paid for it with your debit card, they could look it up. I didn't, it was a cash transaction. You paid cash for your tiny dick? Yeah. Hey, that's so stupid. Fuck, man. Now I tell you, these tiny dicks, a lot of people say that the girls don't like them,

but they're wrong. I tell you, they're absolutely wrong. The girls go crazy for these tiny dicks. It's true. The only thing they want is to have their clit played with. And that's the whole secret of the penis game. Now I'm telling you, because you don't look like a sucker to me. You look like a straight shooter and I respect you.

And so what do you say? Right now, right here, let's do it together. Let's make a cash deal. For this tiny little dick. I don't know, mister. Just do it. I'm telling you, I'm looking at you now and I can see that you want it. For this amount of money, can you get a bigger dick?

I'm not sold. I'm interested, but I'm not sold. I think you have to sell me a little harder. Look, maybe you want to put in the ass in the future. What we're doing is future-proofing here. Maybe big dicks are in now, but I'm telling you, in five and a half years, everybody's going to want to narrow to an extension. I don't know how.

Look what happened to this sedan market. Everyone was saying big cars were going to drive a big car. Oh, we want a big car. And then the Japanese came in with their tiny dicks and everyone wanted a tiny one. That is true. He's making good points. I'm telling you, look, listen to me very close here. You have to sign on the line.

Listen, I got to talk to my wife before I make any- Don't do that. Don't talk to her, that fucking bitch. That bitch, she's a cut. She just doesn't want me to make financial decisions. She can't listen to her for anything. Without her permission. For any one of these women driving a working man mad.

What kind of dick do you have, sir? I don't worry about what kind of dick I have. I have whatever dick I need to have. This is about you. This is about a deal I'm giving you here, Shelly. I'm telling you. Well, it's just she- we have a joint checking account. And she's going to see the charge and I just want to get her permission before I-

I think we've done enough checking. I don't think that's really adding anything to that. Thanks for trying, Adam. What about the insurance policy? Just get more and more mundane into the dick? Is there a warranty on the dick? That's really the only impression I can do is him. Oh, that's not true, Nick. You're a good actor.

Thanks. Did you guys know that listeners that Nick in secret is a good actor? He's going to be in a new movie. I'm actually method acting as a guy that's not actually racist. For the podcast? For the podcast. Oh, I see. That's cool.

Yeah. That's a fun act. No, that whole method acting thing. It sounds like bullshit to me. It is bullshit. No, like Val Kilmer's like- You're the greatest actor of all time is? Who?

Jennifer Aniston. Yeah. I'm serious. Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Aniston. True. She says, she goes, you just remember the lines. You just say the words.

That's it. That's it. That's all it is. That's really all the fucking- No, no, no. Some people that are charismatic and then they're just like that in their, you know, everyday lives, but yeah, acting is- Well, no, you got to get a haircut and then-

You got to get a haircut. You got to get a haircut and then you just- Well, the rage- They put on cool clothes. And then you say the words. You could see- So, there was an era of French where you could see so much nip and it was tight. Yeah.

What? Everyone was showing nip. Everyone was showing nip. I was like a bra-free, like bra-free air kind of 90s. Hell yeah, dude. We're feminists. You know what was crazy on that show is like, so Joey and Chandler have an apartment together and then they like watch Baywatch because it was-

Hot. It was network television, yeah. So, the implication there was that, you know, that was like TV code for- Joey and Chandler would sit around watching porn beating off together. Well, no, there was an episode where they would watch- They watched porn. What? So, I think-

Yeah, there's an episode where like you get porn for free or whatever. So, the actual implication is that they literally were watching Baywatch and beating off together, I think. Well, maybe they thought it was a good show. Which is even stranger, I think. Yeah. They were watching Baywatch with your broys and beating off. That had to have been like one of the EPs was also collecting royalties on Baywatch and they're like,

it has to be in the show. You have to force people to watch Baywatch. I think it was like a 90s culture. Another thing people don't realize is that theme song was just written for the show. Yeah, it was. A lot of people think that that's a song that was just on the radio and then they used it for the show. Guys, really? I have an idea.

Yeah. What about, we don't have a theme song right now. We get the Rembrandts to do it. We get the Rembrandts. Or we just use the Friends theme song. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. You want to use the Friends theme song now?

Jobs, Joe, you broke. Your love life's got HIV. There you go. Yeah, they're not really broke. I'm gay, I've never had sex with a woman. They all had pretty good jobs. Joe's an actor. They lived in the West Village.

Yeah. But he never got, he's called Joe. I mean, this is well. Joe, he's like a successful actor. Yeah, I don't want to go into the bit about how Friends is unrealistic because they have a nice apartment. Please don't do that. I'm just saying that the theme song is a lot of lies. Yeah, the theme song is a lie.

I wish people fucked as much as people fucking said cops. Also, where's that, that fountain's in Central Park, right? Uh, yeah, that's the Angels in America fountain. If you did that in that fountain, you would be arrested. Yeah. You would be arrested. Unrealistic. There weren't that many people around, man.

Yeah. You tell me there wasn't anybody around. You just take your time. Here's my question. The dance move. The Hulk gets mad. How does he, how does the shorts stay on? That's what I wanted to know.

Who made Superman's costume? Oh, shit. Where'd he get that? So true. Where's that come from? He probably made it himself. Right? How is he also just like a journalist?

He's just also a successful journalist and that never comes up. Well, he went to school. Well, he was smart. He grew up in Kansas. He went to college. But you never hear anything about his journalism career in the comics that I've never read or really paid attention to at all. Yeah, there's probably an actual explanation for that one.

Yeah. You run it by Mike Lawrence. He's like, actually, there's a whole side story. Yeah, you probably read the comics about the journalism school. It's just Superman's articles about municipal legislation and fucking Gotham City or whatever. Yeah. He just went and exposed it sitting there during the pages, just a drawing of a newspaper that's like, the city council met today to discuss the new bus terminal.

Meribeth Avenue. This is good stuff. It's him trying to get fucking student loans. Student loan paperwork's in order. All right. Well, none of this is funny. But you know, we did an extra long episode. How long was it?

This is our 10 minutes. 10 free minutes. Hold on. Hold on. Let's plug the show. We got a show on Monday. This Monday, come on, everybody. I forgot to ask Sam.

But Liza Trayger's on it. Liza Trayger. Jordan Temple. Liza. Jordan Temple. Liza. What does that say, Liza? Liza Trayger.

She's an actual friend of mine, and I know her name. And it's not Trayger. He said it wrong. Trayger. It's Trayger. Liza. Liza Trayger. Well, Liza's on it.

And she's funny. And she's hilarious. And Jordan Temple's on it. He's very funny too. And then Sam, Mike. Oh, yeah. I saw him. I forgot to ask him.

It's double. Anyway, yeah. Come to the show. It's going to be good. That's it. All right. You finished? Yeah, we're done.

Turn this off now. Yeah, turn it off. Just shut the fuck up, bitch. No. You know why? Why? Keep this... Turn the fucking thing off.

I'll turn it off when I'm ready to turn it off. I'm hungry. Turn it off. I want to go... Turn it off. I want to go to Katz's... Lock her up. We're not going to fucking Katz's.

I've been to Katz's. It's not very good. We're not going to fucking Katz's. I want to go to the fucking bake pies. We're going to talk about the Katz's Stealy thing. The fake orgasm. I don't know. Sorry.

I probably did. We did? We definitely did. You know what a podcast is for? It's for all the shit that you know would not work at open, Mike. Yeah, that's what we're doing with each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll tell you.

I got a TV. Shut up. Just press the fucking button. Let's go make pies. Don't fucking. Do it, bitch. All right. Just end them.

No, hold on. Here's what I'm gonna do I can turn your mic off now I get the final no now I get the final word Yeah, I turned both of your mics off so that's been the episode guys thanks for listening it's not gonna pick up