The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - 29

This is a letter to the editors. Long time Comtown fan Seth Dickfield here, and I would just like to say that I am outraged at the last episode. There were zero jokes, it was all arguing, and that's not why I listened to the podcast. I spend five dollars a month on this show. Do you have any idea how much money that is? First of all, think of it in terms of pennies. That's like five thousand pennies. You know how long it would take me to enjoy each and every one of those pennies? I'd say you give it twenty minutes each before I come in my pants to hold in the penny. Times five thousand, we're talking about a lifetime that I wasted on that terrible episode. We got a lot of complaints about it. Well Kurt's

back. Yeah, Kurt's back, so hey Kurt. It's not Kurt's fault. I guess it's like, you know, it was just, it was the fucking last minute we had a shitty, it was like eleven thirty a fucking night. I don't want to throw, Kurt's like, I still, Kurt's one of the best comics in the city. He's an amazing comic. He's a very good comic, but if we just had a boring conversation, the problem is, is like, I didn't, I, you know, I felt bad about doing all this premium episodes where I'm like, yeah, we're just going to do us, and I like didn't bother to get any guests, because early on, I was getting pretty big guests. We could still do it. Who cares? Bonnie was good. You know, the Norton one got, there wasn't too many

jokes in that. The problem with the Norton one is like, anytime I'd say anything that I was trying to joke, Jim would be like, what do you mean by that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, I was kidding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, but no, why, why it's actually good that people don't like that is because now it justifies never getting guests again. Yeah, they lost the, the listener lost their privilege. Right. And look, no, it's not the listener didn't lose their privilege. It was our fault. It was your fault, mostly. It's Adam's fault. Yeah. That was a test. That was a test to see. You were supposed to be kicked off the show. That was a test to see if you could handle it without me. If you, you instead of me,

one's got to go at him. $5,000. We promised the listeners and, uh, well, I'm off the show, but I'm just here right now. You're our guest. Adam's actually just our guest right now. Well, that's how it initially was. You were supposed to be, you were supposed to be the guests the first time. That first time we had you on, you were just the guest. Yeah. The first episode, this was just supposed to be my show and Stav was the guest. That is, that is true. And then we kept adding people. Yeah, you asked me on the podcast if I want to do a podcast. Yeah, that's how, that's how we got engaged. It was a surprise. I had a big, I had a big kiss cam, I had a kiss cam broadcasting to Stav's apartment

and I said, do you want to be on the podcast? And he's like, don't do this to me in public. That's how it happened. So, and then Stav's got like, you got one more road day and then we, yeah, we're coming and I'm jealous. I want to go down. We should fucking, we should do a little tour. Yeah. Well, I just want, I want some feature weekends. Yeah. I got a headline in like two months. I just need, where you did, where? Cap city. Oh, nice. Yeah. You should try and book some shit. And that was a fun trip to DC. That was a lot of fun. Hold on. Me and Adam, we were laughing about when it's like one of the hidden gems in DC is when you go to the Lincoln Memorial and you see people doing, they think those

are the Rocky steps. I love it. It's always like Indian guys. I was like, Vikram, Vikram, look at me. I am like the movie star, Rockman. Vikram, take picture. Yeah, people always get it wrong in Philly too. They do the city hall instead of the art museum. There's no, is there, there's not big steps at city hall though. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. You said that because somebody called the art museum city hall. That's right. They do the right steps. They don't know what that fucking building is. I saw a clip of Rocky without the music running up those steps and it sucks, Dick. It's not very good. It's just like some guy running up steps like grunting. Dude, I was in Philly one time and I saw a guy doing

the Rocky steps, which is already just like, I don't understand how you have, you can embarrass yourself to that degree. It's crazy. You know, that's like. Was he in sweats? Yes, that was where I was going with that. He was wearing the outfit. He had like the Skully. Just some completely out of shape middle-aged Italian guy. It's like, yeah, like in the movie. I'm like, I'm like Rocky from the movie. He stops halfway to drink a cup of marinara sauce. Yeah. Just powers himself to the finish line. Yeah. Italians stop pretending like you know anything about exercise. You don't fucking know shit about it. You're all on steroids. You do some garbage five day split and do your steroids. They do get jacked though. I'll

give them that. Two steroids. If I did steroids, would I get jacked? No, because you wouldn't go to the gym. Maybe I would. How often would I need to go to the gym on steroids to get jacked? Like once every couple days? Well, I mean, you don't really, yeah, if you put it together like a little four day split and started doing steroids, you could probably get in pretty good shape. Dude, fuck yeah. Where do I get steroids? Do you actually talk to the Guido at my old gym who would give people, I saw him one time he had the guy doing like the sample like, you know, the sample session. It says, you know, not a guy that's maybe use his client. It was his first fucking day. Oh, he was a personal trainer.

He's a personal trainer. This like meathead personal trainer who's really dismissive and shitted all his clients just like douchebag bro. And he was like training this like, you know, dude the whole day. And then towards the end of the day, I hear him too. And he's like, I hear him like talking to the guy. He's like, you know, honestly, like, you know, I'm not going to lie. Like, yeah, I did cycle, but just to get to where I am. And now I just maintained. And now I just maintained, you know, what I what I built up by doing this by cycling. Yes. So to be to be completely honest with you, to be if I'm being completely honest with you. Yes. You know, and then like, I'm like, I don't know why you would just

advertise that. Like tell your clients that does that's the one group of people who should lie about using steroids as personal trainers, professional athletes, I guess, because there's like a legal issue there. But if you're like a professional wrestler or some shit or fucking bodybuilder, like everyone knows you're not fucking, you know, you're allowed to use drugs. Right. They don't just say that you use drugs, but a personal trainer, I just know, you know, there's no reason to fucking advertise that. And then like, you know, maybe 45 minutes later, I heard him again. He's like, well, you know, for someone your size, I would recommend, you know, maybe like, maybe just a very short cycle. He's like telling the

guy how to do steroids. 110. Yeah, it was like, yeah, it was some fucking guy in his like late 30s who probably made a bunch of money in finance or whatever. And he's like, I guess trying to go from date rape shape to regular. Yeah. Yeah. Now, now I'm guessing I'm going to be, I'm going to be a different kind of douchebag that made my money. But the only time I ever saw that guy ever get excited about any one of his clients, he was like training this like six foot five, six foot six, like this like kid with like eldest's body, right, right, right. But even bigger, like a, like a pear shaped man. Right, right, right. The man with the woman's hips. Yeah. Well, yeah, a huge ass. But so like, he was

very naturally strong due to his huge ass. So you know, you had this like dopey looking like baby Huey kid in there. And the kid was like, you know, his first day in the gym deadlifting 500 pounds. And so he had the kid doing like, you know, like deadlifts with like six plates on the bar and shit. And the trainers just like, yeah, boy, every rep. He's like, yeah, come on, get it. Yeah, boy. And then they were going like set for set on the fucking leg press machine and just like maxing out with like 1000 pounds. He's like, yeah, that's fucking, that's fucking 1500 pounds right there. And he's like screaming at the top. Shatters his fucking small neighborhood gym.

That's so funny. Dude, the fact that fucking douches were using flavor flavor lingo is so funny. I remember the Yeah, boy. Yeah, I became a Borat kind of. Absolutely. And boy did I that was a funny show though. And I loved flavor love. I loved fucking. Yeah. I beat off to almost every woman on that show. I would say. Yeah, for sure. Hoops. Hoops is my favorite. Hoops. Oh, yeah. She's awesome. You know, she was dating Shaq. She was Shaquille O'Neal. Hoops was like five, whatever, four and like a small, yeah, like, you know how big Shaq's cock is, dude? It's probably humongous. Shaq is seven, four, right? Seven, two, seven, two and one. Yeah. She probably got a nice fat hog, dude. Yeah. You see that picture

of Kevin Hart and Shaq, right? Yeah. Can you imagine? Yeah. Like what he did to Kevin Hart's asshole. Kevin Hart making his like, his comedy face. Oh, yeah. Fuckin' dick. Apparently, Kevin Hart's got a real big dick. Yeah. Well, I'll tell us he's like five. Imagine, he's like three foot four. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's three, four. Three, four. He's a great shape. Are you guys never beat off to anyone on Flavor of Love? No. No. Come on. It's just you. Are you kidding? No, I have to beat off these people. You just thought they were hot. That's like a huge difference. I definitely would look up. I think you're lying a lot. I'm not lying, dude. How fucking dare you?

How fucking dare you? I don't think you beat off to these unbeatable, offable things. Dude, you can't beat off to a naked picture of Hoops. She had some nudes out there, dude. All right. I didn't know about that. Yeah. Everyone I beat off to has nudes or fake nudes. Yeah. I can't. Who the fuck is beating off to fake nudes? Sometimes for old time's sake, dude. You got to be sometimes. No, even when like old time's sake, there was never. You never beat off to fake nudes. No, I'd be like, this is bullshit. You're 11 years old. No. Well, you know, maybe I did by accident because I didn't. I didn't know. Exactly. But I mean, it became pretty clear pretty quickly which ones were real and which ones were fake. All

I'm saying is beating off to fake nudes when you're an adult is like if you still, if you as an adult in your apartment by yourself, like wrote presents from Santa, you're like, what did Santa get me this year? Yeah, sometimes. The family's dead. I don't speak to you anymore. Just open the wrapping. It's like, oh, it's a box set full of nudes of the cast of Gilmore Girls. Gilmore Girls, yeah. It's all the Gilmore Girls nudes. Thank you, Santa. It's maybe more smiling while some guy's fucking around. There's nine dicks surrounding Dakota Fanny's face. Thank you so much, Santa's elves in your Photoshop workshop. Look, I'm not saying I finished to fake nudes, but you know, as you know, I'm stroking my dick for a while. It's an appetizer.

I'll search, you know, and I'll be like, oh, that's fun. There's still titties. I guess beating off is more utilitarian for me at this point. It's something I have to do three or four times a day, so I don't kill myself. What do you beat off to? You've never admitted what you beat off to? Whatever on fucking X videos. Yeah. You know, first page, maybe second page. Sometimes I'll just hit go in there deep just to see what we got. Get crazy with it. Get 14, 14, 22. I beat off. You know what I've been off to lately? The beginnings of pornos where they like first get naked. What the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah, I'm tired. You know what I beat off to you guys? The interview where they're like on the side

of the road in the bank. Those guys are offering the money. I beat off. I beat off. What's the sex size? I beat off to all the legal disclaimers at the beginning, the office of record keeping. Yeah, exactly. Miami, Florida. There's like a, there's a job. There's like some fucking state government job. You get fucking 60 grand a year to just like sit around and be like, what's that? Oh, that girl. Yeah, she's 18. All right. Thanks. You know, and like, that's all you do is you just make sure that the people getting fucked on camera aren't your older. That's a good job. That's a cool job. Yeah. Can I get that? Yeah, you probably get that job. Yeah. All I'm saying is sometimes, you know, the first time, you

know, it's fun to see some titties pop out of a shirt. Well, for the longest time when I was a kid, I used to beat off to like HBO stuff late at night and then the naked boobies thing that was on all the time was the fucking real sex. Well, there was real sex, which was like sex sucked, which was a documentary about sex. Yeah. Fat hippies. Unless it's me. That's the thing, man. It's, I, I, I really can't fucking stand sex nerds. I don't know what else. Oh, I know exactly. You know, I was on a date and a girl said, Oh, my ex-boyfriend was a real sex nerd. You just like fucking. Well, no, 90% of the time sex nerd is like a fat woman that loves masturbating. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I see. Oh, I'm like a, I'm like

a very sexual person. One of those ons that gets you just masturbate all the time. Wedding gifts. You know what I mean? Yeah. Anal beads. Well, I hooked up with a girl who said she was in Baltimore, who's like, Oh, I'm a sex nerd. And I think it's like, I really do think it's like autistic people because it like makes sex like a series of rules. Like they're all like dominatrixes and shit like that. And like, there's no emotion in it. It's just like, Oh, what are you enjoying having sex? And then it's like, it was weird. I hate being asked that question straight up. It's like, can we just fuck? Yeah, right. I'm in the same boat. Do I have to ask for, yeah, like when you suck my penis, it feels weird. And

then she did suck my dick. It was cool. But you know, it was real, you had to ask questions. Yeah. And also she was real bum. She was like in an open relationship or whatever. And she broke up with her boyfriend who was bi or something because they like, they like met some dude at a bar and he brought he and they would like bring people back and fuck them together or whatever. And she was like, look, I don't really feel like fucking this dude. So we can just hang out or whatever, but no fucking. And then she goes to the bathroom when she comes back and her boyfriend's getting her dick sucked by this guy. They just met at a bar. So the boyfriend's just gay. Probably. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, that's so fucking

funny. You leave and you come back and someone's a man is sucking your boyfriend's dick. You're like, I told you, you can't get your dick sucked by a man. I was dating a girl a couple of years ago and she like came home one night and she was like, I got so wasted the party and I was like, I fuck these like two girls or whatever. And I'm like, yeah, I don't care. But you should have like asked to assume that like you can just go fuck other people. Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, good for you. That's although I would like to fuck to date a girl who fucks girls. Yeah, I did a lot of them pretty much in brookly. Well, in what a lot of them. Well, I did a lot of girls that were just from the all hoses, lesbians, school of thought, you

know what I'm saying? No, like a lot of girls that were just dating a girl that kind of looked like me. Right. Right. I've been in that position multiple times. I think we both could be in that position. Yeah. If I put on a bowling shirt. 90% of lesbians. I'm like a good transition back into cock. It's not that scary. It's like a it's a starter cock. It's a welcoming penis. Yeah. Absolutely. If you're if you're afraid of them, it's like not. That's yeah, it's not scary. We're both very gentle boys. That's why like with lesbians, like I really split the room with lesbians when I meet them. They either. Oh, they they fucking hate me. Of course, or they love me and a lot of them hate me because I think

some of them see me as a threat. I fucking there's there's like a trans coffee shop. Oh, boy. In my old neighborhood, like a trans lesbian bookstore coffee shop. And I would go in there to get coffee sometimes. And I really felt like a fucking OSS agent in East Germany. You know, like a dunca. One coffee. It's all. Donka. Were you always dressed? Was that was that in your fucking sea captain? Yeah. Well, I know I would wear an SS outfit to blend in. That's what I meant by I felt like an OSS agent. When I was in the coffee shop, when I first moved to New York and I remember they released, it was just me and these two lesbians that were breaking up with each other. And I noticed in the middle of

it that we're all wearing the same pair of Teva sandals. Six Tevas. I love that shit. I think I already said this before, but when I dropped my lesbian cousin off at a burning man potluck. Oh, God. There were literally five Subaru hatchbacks. It might have been six. Just there. That was awesome. That rape victim clown I used to live with brought me to a burning man party one time. Those burning man friends. And I heard the gayest shit I've ever heard my entire life in the backyard. There's some like fucking snooty douchebag from like, I don't know, the fucking Bay Area. Yeah, you know, in the backyard. And he's like very cuntily saying to this girl he's there with, he's like, you know, the thing

that I've noticed is like West Coast burners are like more sort of free spirit, you know, like sort of people where as East Coast burners are like, it's very like Renfest vibe. You know, I, it took everything I had to just be like, no, you're also a faggot. That's what you're trying to say is that everyone here is a faggot. You especially actually, there's somehow a snob about being a faggot. But no, don't make no mistake. Yeah, you're you're absolutely a piece of shit. Truly gay. Yeah, fuck, fuck it. I mean, I don't think anyone thinks burning man is cool at this point. I have a friend who thinks it's really cool. Trevor thinks it's very cool. Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense. Yeah. It's

just, but here's the problem with fucking burning man is just like, it's people who are like, Oh yeah, it's just like, there's no economy. And it's like, you just trade goods and not anymore. Now there's like rich people. Right. They all fucking put go in there and they spend, Oh, there's no economy, but you spend like $14,000 to make a restaurant for three days. Yeah, it's like, Oh, it's like anarchy. And then a couple years ago, some guys set the burning man on fire early and they called the police on him. They had him arrested. No, yeah. Yeah, fuck burning. No, we just want a different society like this is it addresses all the problems in society by making the people who are gay in power

instead of people we disagree with. They have to be gay and white and rich. Yeah. Yeah, burning that sucks. That's all all the friends I had as a teenager were all like, like that they love music festivals and that's kind of acceptable as a fucking 15 year old though. Yeah, I know, but they didn't grow out of it. Right, right, right. It'd be funny. I was, I've said this a million times before, but it'd be funny to go to burning man dressed as Bernie Mac and be like, Now what the hell is this? That would be a good day. I even his foolishness. I thought this was a burning back festival. How do you dress like Bernie Mac? I don't know. So you just mean a black face. Yes, you'd have to be a black face and

then linen pants, linen shirt. Oh, you should get is the the outfit from the I ain't scared of you motherfuckers. Oh, of course. Yes, the airbrushed hands with his face on them. That is quite the outfit. Fuck. Now how many y'all like sex? Woo, I do. It's like, I'm celibate boys. I decided I'm not fucking anymore. It's a choice. Yeah. And if anybody wants to fuck me, they can try, but it's not going to end up the way you want. I like that. I like that. That's my you think I'm playing hard to get on the world. Yeah. I would, I would stop having sex if I could just not have acid reflux every day of my fucking life. What have you been eating, bro? I don't know. I ate it like a drink, like a quart of milk

last night before bed. And that didn't help? No, I woke up. Yeah. That's a lot of milk. Isn't that shit basic or whatever? I don't know. I woke up with like searing stomach pain again, and it kept me up for like 30 minutes. And then I woke up this morning. I'm like almost throwing up in my mouth. And maybe you can't eat that fucking dairy, bro. Yeah, I do. I was doing a fun little open mic bit last couple of weeks about how acid reflux sounds like way too cool for what it is. Sounds like a hacker from the future. It just means you throw up in your mouth. Yeah, acid reflux sounds like a cool manga. I get it from drinking and cocaine. Doing cocaine? Yeah. I get it from smoking cigarettes at night.

And smoking cigarettes. And also going to bed on a course. Yeah, I've never had it. I've never had acid reflux or heartburn of any kind. That's the thing is my diet's been shit forever. I'm like, I don't understand. I didn't change my diet. I continue to smoke and then, you know, do blow. I know, dude. I had such a depressing realization that it's like, in my head, I was like, you know what? I'm never going to not be fat, whatever. But then I was like, oh, wait a second. I don't have to like, you know, I was like, oh, I'm not going to try and lose weight, whatever. But it's like, your body just keeps getting worse. There's no like, I'm going to have to do work to just maintain being like, sort of fat instead of like, oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. It's going to fuck up your

ankles and your hips too. Yeah. Gold retriever. Yeah. Damn, I'd love to be a French bulldog. I'm an English bulldog. Who's kidding? Who? You're a Chihuahua with a dick and so digging its mouth at him. A Chihuahua? Yeah. And you're a gay other dog. Yeah. Woo. Woo. You got him, dude. I'm all 101 of the Dalmatians. I'm every single one of them. Fuck. I don't know about dogs enough to make this joke. I just picked Chihuahua because it was the gayest dog I know. Poodle. Poodle's gay. They had that website where you could plug. You could put somebody's face in and told you a dog you were. Really? Yeah. And I put it in Carly Fiorina and it came back with Collie, which is great because that's what all the fucking mass holes were calling her.

At the Carly Fiorina rally in New Hampshire when I was there. They're like, where's Collie? We came here to see Collie. Put her face in. I love that you could just be a rich person and then like, run for president as a Republican. Now? Yeah. Fuck. Yeah. You love it? I mean, you love Trump. I think it's funny that I said that in a world, thinking about a world where they like get out. You forgot Trump. Yeah. I keep forgetting his presidency. Me too, all the time. Although those were Romney picks were so awesome. Amazing. It's like, he just like got caught with a side bitch look on his face. Yeah. Poor Romney. Yeah. Poor handsome rich. Yeah. Well, no. It's like, you know, when a guy gets like, you know, fucked in jail and then he has to become the wife.

And I miss, like, no, actually, I, I, I enjoy being in this position. Why is it actually, it actually feels good to be Mrs. Trump. It's powerful. It's powerful. Why does he give a fuck? He's rich. He's fucking, he's out of public life. What is he? Why does he have to hang out with Trump? Why does he want to? I think because you get a lot of fucking money, you know, by doing like speeches and shit after you're out of office, you can, you can make a shit ton of money. No, but, but why is he fucking hanging out with Trump? Why doesn't he just go fucking speak it like, you know, he could be like, he never can have enough money. Yeah, you're right. Dude, look at this. Because of this podcast,

I am now literally a thousand there. You know, I mean, we're making, we're making okay money. We're in a steady clip. I bought a new laptop the other day. Did you? Yeah. What'd you get? Uh, one of those small MacBooks. Oh, fuck. Oh, you got one. Yeah. Because I needed my laptop. How much was it? Like 16? Yeah, it's about that. Yeah. Yeah. I bought it day in PS4, baby. Yeah. In a blender, bitch. But not, not the next thing I got to buy is I need a, I need a Toyota GT86. You can't, that's $26,000. So it looks like I'm going to have to double my money. And then once I get that, what's after that? Uh, a fucking blimp. I got to buy a fucking Zeppelin to fly around Manhattan and throw pennies at orphans. What happened with blimps? You know,

like they just exploded a lot. They fucking know exactly what happened. So like the Hindenburg explodes. And before the Hindenburg, they were like, this is how people are going to get around. But it gets, it goes real slow. Like, why do they think that was a good idea for how people were going to get around? It's very comfortable. I mean, it's like, most didn't go out of, out of fashion. People still take cruises. The thing, the reason they're real, they're like, no, we're going to only have them, but for sports now, it's, it's because of the lifting gas used in a lot of the blimps. It caused like the, the Hindenburg disaster was, was hydrogen. They had to use hydrogen because only the U S had access to helium. And during the war, we weren't like

giving helium to the rest of the world. So all like, like most non U S blimps were using hydrogen as a lifting gas, which was really dangerous, which is what caused the Hindenburg to explode. And then that sort of destroyed the market for it elsewhere. And then the U S eventually stopped, you know, what were they doing with the helium? Were they like prank calling Hitler, like really high voices? That would have been fun. No, but I mean, I, that's like the one thing I get annoyed with. I think I would have gone a little something like this or like bicycles and shit. And there's like, every type of technology comes back, all these steampunk assholes, but they don't bring back the best one, which is a full size, like ZL one graph Zeppelin, which I

would love to with the swastika, by the way. It is so funny to see something so like fun and benevolent looking and then having a fucking swastika. I'm telling you, man, like if I had enough money, the two things I would want is to live in a big Nazi Zeppelin above Manhattan. We're no, there's no rules up there. It's yeah, it's like international air. Yeah. How far up do you have to be? I would literally sit up there and I would fucking gamble and I'd cut children. You'd wear an iPad with child pornography. I don't even like the shit. It's just fucking how much money I got, but I'm using child porn as toilet paper. Emptying the toilet, you know, that's on the sky all over the city. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. Like Dave Matthews band.

I guess they they're tour bus like emptied out there. The shit onto this into the Chicago River and there was a boat like under the bridge and they like fucking covered. Oh, but it's so funny. It was Dave Matthews who did it. Yeah, hilarious. What's Dave up to these days? Did you ever listen to Dave Matthews? Producing more shit. Wait, we said they emptied all the shit out of the tour bus. Do you mean they had a concert? Yeah. Yeah, I've always been pro Jack Johnson. The other goal if I had money, uh, by, uh, uh, what is it anchor watt? What's that? That like him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that jungle. Yeah, it's those old like tie, like, you know, like very ornate, like jungle temples.

Have one of those and then have a bunch of fucking monkey servants like King Louie. Well, I don't know if they would be servants or just, I would just like to live among them and, you know, establish some kind of society, get fucked up on hallucinogens all day long. Mm-hmm. They'd have to be servants, dude, because then they'd fucking overtake you otherwise. Well, they could overtake. That's why it has to be democratic. Oh, I see. Well, maybe not. You maybe have to establish dominance. I'm free to give nature. You have to kill, you have to fucking shoot the strongest monkey. The first day you're there, you show up, you fuck up, you rape the strongest monkey. And then they respect you. I'm reading blood

meridian and like, oh, I'm reading it as well. Yeah, there's so much good shit in there. So they're, they're like, they just, you know, it's a gang of like in like scalpers, you know, in the fucking west or whatever. Yeah, cattle guys, I literally am reading it. Well, it's based on, it's based on like, are you? I am through. Oh, okay. So I want you to set up. But did you get to the part yet where they're like, they're traveling and they go to that like hantina and they meet the guy that has like a retard and a cage. No, I can't wait. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. He's got, he's got his like retarded brother naked in a cage and they're retarded brothers just like each shit and smears it all over himself. And they're like, what, what,

what you planning on doing with that? And he's like, I'm taking him to California, show him to people for a nickel. That's the guy that did the road. Yeah, the road. No country. Yeah, we're yeah, I've never read. I'm trying to read his beat not stupid anymore, dude. Well, it's good for like, it's not good for not being stupid. Because you'll always be stupid. But in terms of like making shit, I mean, it's definitely easier to be creative when you have more inputs. Right. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know, man. Reading books makes you smart is what I would I remember. No, it doesn't. When I used to read books, I was smarter than I am now. I'm stupid as shit. All I fucking do is play. Now I've just played

PlayStation 4. Well, that's because you got to play smart games, dude. Oh, really? You played Bioshock? That's fucking that'll open your mind. Really? I'm Rand and stuff. Okay. Yeah. I'll check it out. Activism and I usually just play relativity. It's a fucking really cool game. Plus, you get to shoot children. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Bioshock is one of the best games of all time. I know I say that joking, but holy shit, that game is good. I've never played. I used to just play Dead or Alive volleyball. Yeah. Where's those big titty Japanese ladies. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty good. That was a good one. I legitimately am going to download it on the PlayStation Network. Do you remember Virtua Tennis? Hell yes, I remember Virtua Tennis.

One of the best sports games ever. Do you remember when you could hack Lara Croft, Tomb Raider to get her titties out? Yeah. No, I don't remember that. Wasn't that fake? No, no, that was real. That was real dog. I saw those pixelated conversations. Hell yes. Yeah, it was like the quality was so low. They were terrible. They didn't look like titties at all. They were just like cones. Yeah, that's what tits look like, dude. They look like cones. Bioshock seems like it's too fucking hard. It's too fucking involved. No, it's actually pretty easy. Really? Yeah, that's the one thing that's disappointing about it is it wasn't particularly difficult. I hate that shit where there's so much inventory and shit. I just want a Grand Theft Auto

style open world game. That's kind of what it is. It's not like an RPG or anything. Oh really? Yeah, no, it's a first person shooter. I didn't know that. Yeah, I mean inventory in the sense that you have like five or six guns. Tight. Yes. Yo, Mafia 3, have you guys seen the fucking shit for that? That looks awesome. I want to play that shit. I'm about to download so many games. I'm going to quit comedy and just play PlayStation. Yeah, I fucking, I got to get a couple more truck jobs before the season ends so I can buy a TV. Dude, I really want one of those 4K TVs. I want to watch that new planet Earth. Well, actually, here's my, here's my goal is to download a new planet Earth, dub it over with G George and make planet Earth. And it's like, you know,

like elephants, you know, going to the lake to drink or whatever. And then you just say, now how many y'all like sex? And then the elephants start fucking. Hell yeah, dude. Planet Earth. G George. Planet Earth. Planet Earth. That's the joke, folks. It's how they say Earth. Yeah. Isn't it, it didn't, everyone would, when they quoted Will Smith say welcome to Earth, would be like welcome to Earth, but he never even said Earth. Yeah. He says Earth. In independence? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then they would add the N word at the end. He didn't say that either. I don't remember that part of the movie. Oh, fuck. Do you remember, I, you know, I loved, there was her, or a comedian earthquake.

Yeah, of course. And then there was a guy in DC that was comedian hurricane. Was there? Oh, the fat guy, the fat white guy. Yeah, that fat white guy. Oh, yeah, John, her. Yeah, yeah, John, her hurricane. Yeah, his name was a pun, which makes it even shitty. Yeah, yeah. It's terrible. He looked like family guy and he had a joke about that. He did. Yeah, that was his open. He had a joke about it. He's like, and he would carry around fake glasses and he's like, yeah, obviously I'm Peter Griffin or whatever. It's like, that's, come on, man. It's so bad. Yeah. But he looked exactly like him to his credit. He did, yeah. That was his best credit. Well, there's a guy that goes to like anime conventions dressed as Peter Griffin.

I've seen that guy, yeah, yeah. And actually that guy, he's pretty good at it. Legitimately looks exactly like him. He looks exactly like him and he does the impression pretty well. Yeah, hurricane couldn't really do the impression. It was like a fucking lobby or something. DC was so fucking weird, dude. You would get like rich people that are just like, yep, I want to fucking do shit. Oh, yeah, there were a bunch of rich people that wanted to go to it. Why the fuck are you doing that? You have a better life. Did I mention the sit down comic? The sit down comic? Did we talk about here? No, I don't think so. Oh, wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The handicap guy. Yeah, yeah. There's only so much I can pull out of those Wise Acres days. Did I mention Tom Flood? Tom Flood is

severely autistic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you take this on the road, that guy, yeah. No, no, yeah, Diesel said that about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm telling you, if you brought him on the road, he would murder. Diesel just wanted to put him in that cage like the retard. He's like, I'm taking him to California and I'm showing him to people for a nickel. Taking him to California. Who else was fucking? Have we talked about Irwin? I'm sure we have. Yeah, we talked about Irwin. I had to bleep his name. Yeah. And some immediately found him. I need more inputs. What about the fat doctor? The fat doctor. Yeah, legend. Just homophobic. Yep, definitely. Was he a doctor? He was a doctor. He was an OBGYN. Oh, the best kind.

My friend growing up, he was like black and his granddad was like one of the most successful black gynecologists in DC. So he had this really fucking swanky house in like Bethesda. The house. Yeah, it was like a real nice house. But the guy bought it in like 19. Did I mention this already? No, no, no, no. He bought it in like probably like the late 60s, decorated it. And then it was like, yeah, this is what the house looks like. So he had like this, but it was like gorgeous. It was like a swingers palace. It was yeah, it was like a fucking it was on like a hill. So it was like split level. And the all of the back of the house like opened up to this like pool in the backyard. And it was like sort of like a greenhouse style, you know, like kitchen and living room and stuff.

And then like, but you know, even like the white fixtures were like coffee black with like weird, you know, oval shaped switches and a lot of that like, it was like poppy Lux sort of look to it. And it's like a style of like, like, you know, graphic design, you know, like boomerang coffee tables and shit, like all that owl shit. Yeah, vintage owl. A lot of mahogany and shit, like darkwood. Yeah, that stuff. In interior stone garden. Oh, any velvet? A lot of black velvet. Oh, a lot of like sculptures of like, like black onyx sculptures of jaguars and shit. Oh, yes. That's so awesome. Yeah. And he had this old rolls, like an old like silver race. And yeah, yeah. And he was this old black gynecologist. And he looked like in the pictures,

he sort of looked like Don King in around the house. And it was me and Brendan would laugh so much about him, like, just like, yeah, I only use my mouth. That's how he made all his money. He was buying being the number one pussy eater in DC. Would it be funny if there was a handless and armless kind of Chinese shit? I don't remember much Chinese shit. I think that's maybe more 1970s. Their next door neighbor was a fucking James Brown from Fox Sports. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. I don't realize JB fucking lived in Bethesda. Yeah, I guess he does. Damn. He went to watch the Super Bowl one time at their house and like JB pulled up in the driveway next

to us and we're like, what the fuck? Yeah. And he was like, you guys watching the game? Just a magical TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks so real. Yeah, yeah. Dude, I saw, I saw Berman. Chris Berman. Chris Berman. He lives in Baltimore, right? No, I don't think, I don't know where it was. I saw him, I was in Providence and he just had the flattest ass I've ever seen him on. He has a total like fat guy, like just out straight and just like flat ass. Like Hank Hill. Like total Hank Hill physique, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was kind of a dick. Really? Staying forever at the family. Well, yeah, he's a, he's a New England guy. That's right. It makes sense. He's up there.

Right. That's really bad for you to have a shitty ass. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Well, to have a, to have a weak posterior chain, that's where you get a lot of mechanical problems in your body. That's why I'm a strong ass, strong hammies, strong limber hammies, good strong ass. Yes, baby. Yeah. That's what's important in life. Strong ass. I'm fucked. Yeah. You're a weak bitch, dude. You are a weak bitch. Sorry. But you better fuck Adam up and steal his shit. I'm gonna steal your coat. I didn't bring it by the time the wind is through, that'll be my coat. That's my look, dude. I know it's your look bitch, but I'm stealing it. I'm gonna get the Tim's and the Yankee fitted. I'm going to steal

it. And I'm gonna get NBA jeans. That's gonna be my look. NBA jeans. Fuck, I forgot about those. XL North Face Sleeping Bag Jacket. Yes. Tim's Yankee fitted. If you get the NBA jeans, I will not steal your coat. Otherwise, I will steal your coat. Well, I'm gonna get them. Okay. That's fine. Do they make these in skinny? Do you guys have joggers? Yeah, can I get that? I'd love a more tapered NBA jeans. I'd love a more tapered NBA jeans. You should get skin tight apple bottom jeans with like an extremely loose ass. Just hanging like a fan pack off a shitty body. Oh, God. Oh, fuck, dude. That was a very 1990s look like the... That was the last good thing Steve Jobs did is those bottom jeans. Yeah. We're rethinking what black women's asses look

like. Steve Jobs on that stage in a turtleneck. It's not enough to just have ass. You got to make the booty pop. This is what consumers want. This is what we're thinking about. Steve, are you going to take your cancer medicine? No. Smoothie. I'm thinking ayahuasca for it. I'm going to text my way out of this. I'm going to rethink cancer. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Dude, a bunch of years ago or whatever, we had jobs, cash and whatever. You know the fucking meme. That's it. Yeah. But yeah, 10 years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Bruce Jenner. Antony Smith. And the Twin Towers. Goddamn. I feel good, dude. I had a smoothie today, a green smoothie.

Oh, what did you put in that? My man, I put some damn spinach, some kale, some... I put a tomato in that bitch. I need some produce. Put an apple in there, too. Amber's got a blender. Amber's got a blender and I'm thinking about blending some shit up, getting the juice. You know what I need, though, is like glass jars to put the juice in. You don't need that shit. They don't keep well. And you know what? Glass jars really don't keep well. That's why I started using these new stuff from the container store. Are you doing Adam's thing where you steal the thing someone says right before? No, no, I was doing a live read for our sponsor. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, go ahead and continue. Use promo code, come town, at the container store. We're just going there

and if you go up to the cashier and say, where am I? That's part of the promo. You have to say it. Call in the N-word at the container store and get 15% off all orders now. Go in, Christmas special. Just go into any store, really. Scream the N-word. Say, come town, give me the come town discount for our sponsors. Our sponsor, every store in the country. A Jimmy Jazz. Go to Jimmy Jazz. Go to Applebottomjeans. Applebottomjeans.co. Let me get a free sample. Let me get a taste test. And then try and sniff the sales girl's ass. Do you remember when it was hot for girls to have fake tits and no ass like Adriana LaServa? No. No, I never thought that was attractive. But that was like a very 1990s thing. Yeah. Not no ass. See, that's the thing. When people say

no ass, it's just a small ass. 90s women were trash. Just like stringy blonde bleached out shitty hair. Yeah. Fake tits and no ass. I certainly prefer a thicker woman. I used to be friends with this guy Connor when I was like a teenager and Connor was like telling this story one time. He's like such a funny dude. I wish I kept in contact with that guy. I fucked him. He was like, he was like, yeah, I was down in Florida a couple of weeks ago and I hooked up with these two really meth-y looking chicks. Just fucking platinum blonde hair. It looks like they cut it with safety scissors. He's like, I spent the whole week there. I guess they were free on addicts. So they were showing me how to, you know, rip the pipes out of an air conditioner. Jesus Christ. They're like

raccoons. They're like the fuck. Yeah. Free on addicts. What do you even do with free on? You suck it. You huff it. Yeah. You suck them tubes. Girl. My friend that used to do a lot of drugs told me that one way to get really high for not a lot of money is gas. Like gasoline. Just huff it. Really? You've seen Love Liza? No. Oh man. That's such a good movie. You'd love it. It's Philip Seymour Hoffman and he plays this guy whose wife had just, she's just killed herself like at the beginning of the movie. Yeah. She's left him a letter and he like can't bring himself to read it. So, you know, he's at work and he's fucking up and he just like can't stay focused and they're like, man, maybe you should take a break. And then he's just sitting in his house

and like it's like half cleared out. And he's like trying to clean the house to get ready to move out of it because you just can't deal with it. And he just picks up like the rag, you know, he's like cleaning with. He gets into huffing. Yeah. Eventually he graduates to gas and then he needs a way to justify his gas addiction. So he gets really into like RC planes. And then it's like him getting really into RC planes and becoming like progressively more and more retarded from the gas. Whoa. Yeah. What did the letters say? You read it at the end. I forget. I haven't seen the movie in like 10 years, but it's really good. What if the letter was like, I fucked all your friends? Yeah. Don't be sad about me. It's like, whatever you do, don't do gas. Wow, deep. Whoa.

Whoa, dude. That's like full circle. Memento profound. Yeah. What you guys favorite movie reminds me of Memento? Is it? No, I don't have. I don't know. I saw a guy on a bus once that had like tattoos from Memento on his body. What a douchebag, right? That sucks. Yeah. Yeah. I was on a bus in Manhattan and that's terrible. Terrible. Yeah. John Q killed my wife or whatever. Yeah. That's stupid as John Q. What's his name? No, not John Q. My son is going to get a heart transplant. All right. Listen to me, Jake. Jake. Okay. All right. All right. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. It's like, yeah, Denzel, how about just don't laugh? It's not convincing. You think he had the worst laugh? I think I still think Ray Liot has got

the worst laugh. Yeah. That's a terrible fake laugh. Yeah. I think we all have really good laughs. Yeah. This is real. I'm talking about fake movie laughs. Yeah, actors who can't laugh. Who else? Who else can't laugh, boys? People listening to this podcast. Oh, snap. Whoa, what the fuck, man? Shut up, bitch. Shut up, Nick. You motherfucker. I'm just being honest. You little bitch-ass bitch. You're the fucking bitch here, pal. Dude, take it back. Do not try me. Take it back. I'll fucking stuff that dumb shirt right up your ass. What dumb shirt? You're wearing your fucking comedy knockout shirt you're wearing for eight days. This is a free shirt, bitch. It's laundry week. I'm also wearing shorts. Yeah. I gotta fold all my clothes and put them

away. That'll change. How many clothes do you own? A decent amount. Two pants. I don't have many pairs of pants. Eight shirts. I got into, I bought a pair of Levi's dickies, I guess Chico's or whatever, and I found them again. They're great. Chino's. Chico's? Yeah, I don't know what the fuck they're called. Chico's. Bitch, they're not called Chico's. That's a place. It's a fucking place. It's still a word. It's a word I saved once a year. My mom used to wear it as Chico's. They have like fucking tropical clothing. What the fuck are they called, Dad? They're called work pants. Why do we decide we're gonna let a different race tell us what our pants are called? Latino for Chinese. For Chinese. The hardest workers. What? Latino's got too many damn words. They call,

they call like, that's like, excuse me, but I am Chicano. It's like, well, you're not Latino. It's like, yeah, I'm not too. I'm like, well, which one? Latinx. Yeah, Latinx. I like that. Oh yeah. Spanish robot. No. Yeah. Here's, here's, you know what? If there's anyone still listening to this episode, here's a, here's a good Photoshop challenge for you. I came up with this one. If you want to try and draw R2 Chew2, it's a Chinese robot covered in ants and slime. What? It's Arthur Chew as a robot. Oh, okay, okay, okay. R2 Chew2. R2 Chew2. Yeah, just put his face covered in ants. Yeah, he's got an ant time. He got a divorce. It's funny. I think we should on him for that already. Yeah. The thing, nothing, this is what sucks is that like, there's nothing

really to talk about, except those bullshit politics stuff that Adam likes. And it's not fine. I don't want to talk about it. You always want to talk about it. No, I don't. You always try and figure out a way to bring it up. That's why we had to kick you off the show. Yeah, dude. I know, I'm sorry. I'm really glad you guys had me back. No, you're the guest this week. Yeah. We don't know who we're going to book next week. He's going to be Weave. We're going to replace Adam with Weave, and he's going to be the third chair in the podcast. We're all going to move to Serbia. Is that where he lives? Yeah, he lives in exile. Really? Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. He's like Bobby Fisher. He has a Twitter account, though. Instead of chess, Bobby Fisher was just initially good at

being racist as well. He's a prodigy? There's no term. He just cut out the middleman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just went right for racism. Just for right for Jews control everything? He's a weird ass, dude. Fucking Bobby Fisher, man. Have you seen that documentary about him? Finding Bobby Fisher? No, I think that was a movie, right? Yeah, it was. That's where You're the Man Now Dog comes from. No, no, that's Finding Forester. That's Finding Forester. Yeah. You're the Man Now Dog. You're the Man Now Dog. You stupid mother fucker. That revolutionized the Internet. That dumb website. Yeah, that was like a huge thing is You're the Man Now Dog. That's a website? It was a website. Somebody made a website You're the Man Now Dog and it was just a picture of Sean Connery repeating

all the pages and then text coming out of the screen and says You're the Man Now Dog and on a loop him saying You're the Man Now Dog. You're the Man Now Dog. And then the guy who owned that website set it up so other people could create that where you'd like pick the image, pick the words. Oh yeah, I remember that shit. And that was like, you know, before memes or whatever, that was a huge website where people would create those You're the Man Now Dog things. Right, right, right. And the guy that owned that website also owned DustinDiamond.com and it's like official website of international sex symbol Dustin Diamond. And this was before like the sex video had come out. Right, right, right. So it was just like he was just screech.

Yeah, he was just screech. And it was like home of international sex symbol and fucking Dustin Diamond sued the guy that owned the website for control of the domain and the guy that owned the domain was like 24 is max something I forget. And he like represented himself in the suit. And like successfully convinced the judge, he's like, No, it's obviously a joke. He doesn't own the domain. He didn't buy it. He had plenty of time to buy it. Like nobody thinks of him as a sex symbol. So it's clear parity. And the judge is like, Yeah, I don't see why anyone would want to fuck this man. So I guess Dustin Diamond, this might have changed. But as of like, you know, 10 years ago, he was the only person to ever lose a suit. That might have been the shit that

sent him spiraling, dude, lose that suit. Maybe he's fucking with those prostitutes in that sex tape. Have you ever seen his rider, Dustin Diamonds, right? I hear it's like legend. It's fucking hilarious. Yeah. Yeah, it's like there must be six Miller lights in my green room exactly six. I'm going to buck it. You know, it's always bullshit. But you know, he has that rider and then half the places he plays don't even have a fucking green room. I remember seeing that rider and literally the next week, Eltingham was opening for him at Lestrani's, which is like an Italian restaurant that has comedy. So instead of a green room, Dustin Diamond just has to stand at the bar waiting for his turn to go up. Yeah, that's just so annoying. The comedy club's book

people like Dustin Diamond. Yeah, who goes out to see screech there stand. I mean, you can't put screech on the posters either because he doesn't own the rights to it or something. And he would probably be probably one of those guys like, don't say screech. Yeah, he's not. Yeah, he can't. I'm a novelist. Was it Jimmy JJ Walker? Yeah, from good times. Good times. He does stand up and like he won't say he won't say that he wants to dynamite. Yeah, he won't do it. Damn. Yeah, that's the only reason anyone's going to see. Yeah, dude, I saw you know who I would go see always Michael Winslow. Hell yeah, dude. He's awesome. Well, he's got an actual skill. There's a video of Michael Winslow doing like the first five minutes of Star Wars where he just does all the sound effects of Star

Wars the first five minutes. And it's amazing. Dude, the fact that he like nails all the scene changes where we'll like cut to a tie fighter for like half a second. And he's just like, you know, like back to the lasers, you know, he just doesn't miss a fucking beat. But it's that's just black autism. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. He's OG black nerd. You know about you know about that. That's black. That's black nerd magic, dude. Yeah. Black retard magic. That's what's going to get Hillary. Hillary elected is black retard magic. You saw the thing that there's like was on, I guess the blaze or something, but she's considering Hillary. Oh my god, that was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. I so hope that 2020 then life stops being real.

And I'm like, yes, let's root against it'll be hilarious. It'll be so funny. I wish I could just fast forward four years and watch that happening. Or if we could just have an election now and she loses again, how funny would that be? All right, some tech, some electoral college loophole. There's another holy fuck. Oh, what if he just what if Trump passes a law that says that they have to have an election every month and Hillary has to go against him for the next four years, they just keep redoing the election looks like you lose again. He probably would do it. He would love elections way more than the president. I would love that. That would be great. That's what he likes. It would create so many jobs. You know how fucking hard it would be to

have an election every month? Yeah, that's true. That would be we could just be a country that lives off elections. Ooh, big elections. What jobs? The counting. They don't get money for that. Yeah, they do. Why the fuck does Jill Stein need fucking $7 million and if people don't get paid to count? I don't know. They definitely get paid. No, it's because people need to count all those ballots. I guess the people at the polls don't get paid. No, they get paid too. Everyone gets paid. They get paid. Yeah, they do. Really? Yes. Everyone gets paid, dude. People just doing it for fun. I thought that people do it as volunteers. No, dude. No, then only rich people would be able to control or to count votes. Yeah, which is definitely hard. You fucking idiot.

You fucking moron, cocksucker. This is what the people want. Keep going, guys. Fuck you, dude. I'm taking your shoes. I'm taking Adam's fucking shoes. This is bullshit shoes. Give me the shit, bitch. Why are these your ironic Kirkland shoes? You're not Kirkland. I went to Costco and I got ironic shoes. Shut the fuck up, dude. You want a pair? Let me know. Next time I go to Costco, I'll give you ironic shoes like me. Do you want a pair? Yes. You actually want some. They're $17. Yeah, we said we want some. I used to have fucking Walmart Velcro shoes that were eight bucks. Oh, hell yes. And they were great. Oh, fuck, dude. That's awesome. I want those. Yeah. I'm going to copy your gas. Yeah, do it. I'm going to copy that and I bought a blender. Did you buy the Vitamix? But I didn't get the

big one. I got the fucking standard one, the $52. I like that it has Vita in the name as if you assume I'm going to put vitamins in that bitch, as if it's not just going to be... It's from milkshakes, bitch. It's going to be ice cream and peanut butter and fucking almonds and shit, brownie mix. You can make your own almond butter. I can't wait for that shit. Yeah, you can make your own almond milk. You can make your own gazpacho. Oh, yes, bitch. I'm going super crazy. I'm making fucking all kinds of shit. Did you buy the Vitamix? I did. Wow, you really did? You did. Well, it's it. It's coming tomorrow to my house. Which ones you get? I just said this. What the fuck? The 5200, the base level one. Oh, yeah. That's the gay one. That's the one that's bad. No, you want the one with like texting

on it? It's very highly rated. I don't want the one with texting, but I want the one with like the two and a half horsepower motor. No, this one has that. See, look, you have to understand. They all have the same motor. You have to understand. I'm coming to this blender game from the power tool as well. I understand things in terms of horsepower, settings. I don't give a shit about. Okay. I want to press that button. I want the electricity bill to sky. I want to be able to accidentally put my hand in there and have to go to the hospital. You know what I'm saying? If I don't lose a finger, it's for gay guys. Does Milwaukee make a blender? Because if DeWalt made a blender and Milwaukee made a blender, you'd better believe. I'd be fucking, I'd be drinking wood milkshakes right now.

Oh, fuck dude. I can't wait to blend that shit. Wait, you, oh, you're getting it tomorrow. Yeah, you should put fucking weed in there. Oh my God. Can you imagine if you put a pound of weed in a blender and turn it into juice? Oh my God. Whatever. What would happen if you drank a pound of weed? Let's find out. Let's find the fucking real quick. Yeah, like if you put a pound of weed in a blender and put water in it, you go blind. You wouldn't go blind. No, you just get like transcend levels of pass out. Have you smoked dab before? Dabs? No. They fuck your ass up. My friend Ari is like obsessed with dab accounts on Instagram. There's this guy AZN dabs, T-A-B-Z. You would probably die if you did that. The pound of weed thing. No, no, no, no. So like dad has to be a toxicity level

for THC. No, no, no, you wouldn't die. But this is what would happen. So what dabs are there? I stopped talking about dabs. Tell me what would happen. I'm getting to it. I don't want to get to it. Just tell me what would happen. They're weed concentrate. I don't give a shit. You get insanely, insanely stoned. And then like once you're an addict or like once your tolerance goes up, you can handle it. For us? What if you put a pound of heroin in there? Yeah, you would die for sure. No, I don't think you would. There's no toxicity level to heroin. People die from heroin overdoses because they forget to take vitamins. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's like AIDS. AIDS doesn't actually kill you. It's from fucking a guy with a dick too big. Oh, it does a little

internal thing. It's an opportunistic dick. Interesting, interesting. I didn't know that. It weakens your sphincter. It's not the AIDS that kills you. It weakens your sphincter so much that all your organs come out of your ass. No, it's opportunistic diseases. Which is a good name. That sounds like a that sounds like Nazi propaganda. So these opportunistic diseases taking over the finance industry. Yeah, Tasex. Hell yeah, boys. Oh, also, we had a great show. We didn't talk about that at all. Thank you to everybody who came to the damn show. That was awesome. The shows are getting better and better and we appreciate everyone who came. Funny mom. Especially my man who came from Staten

Island who I talked to after the show. For real? Yeah, he was like, I just want you to know I'm a big fan of the show and your willingness to constantly humiliate yourself. This guy's at home right now and he's like, that's not what the fuck I said. It's not even close to what I said. He did say that. I gave him an earnest compliment and he contorted my words to turn it into a funny bit for himself. No, no. He probably didn't say that and now you're doing what he said in the story by doing this. You're humiliating yourself. Hell yeah, dude. This is inception. Shout out to also Ben. He's a compliment. That kid in the front row. I think his name was Ben. Shout out to him. Ben's dying of cancer and he came to our show. No, no, wait. Am I thinking of my friend Ben?

Every dollar of the Patreon goes to this four-year-old boy who has leukemia and if so, if you're not donating yet. We're going to get him Batman costumes. Yeah. We're going to do that bad kid thing. Man, that kid's life is going to suck. You know, he's fine, right? The bad kid. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I want to bully him right now. No, I don't want to bully him. What? Imagine. Fuck him. Dude, he lived. He's going to, at 27 years old, go shoot up whatever office he's working in. Yeah, in a Batman costume. Yeah, because he's never going to, he's going to turn it into the Joker. That's the Joker's backstory. He had childhood leukemia and they let him pretend he was Batman and he grew up and no one gave a fuck about the

Joker anymore. He's like, you want to know how I got these scars? I had leukemia. Experimental surgery. They had to cut, they had to make my mouth bigger so I could eat the pill. The big, big, big leukemia pill. My friend Nate, one ball Nate, I call him, OBN. He had cancer as a little kid and he beat it, but he got to, he got, he got to make a wish shit and they gave him like a fucking guitar and like a fucking studio and shit. He got hooked up, dude. He knew what he was doing. Yeah. If I had, if I was a make-a-wish kid and they were like, what do you want? I'd be like, cigarettes. To die. Yeah. They're like, kill me now. I want, I want to carton of cigarettes every day for the rest of my life. And then some five-year-old boy smoking.

Like, we did it. I want to have sex. I want to eat pussy. I want to eat, I want to eat fucking Scarlett Johansson's pussy. I want to fuck Lisa. She's like crying. Some five-year-old eating around. I'm going to die, bitch. Yeah. That'd be great if like parents took advantage of their kids' cancer to like get themselves shit. Yeah, like a stage mom. I'm a cancer mom. I want a good one. Say it. Now come on. I'm there. You're going to have to cry more. Mommy, stop pulling underneath my eyes. You need bigger bags. Where are we going to put all the money, if not for those bags under your eyes? Come on, now be a star. Mommy needs a new set of the knees. I want fake tits for my mom. Now quick, inhale all this second-hand smoke.

Oh, fuck. Cancer moms on TBS. That'll be a good one, dude. Well, when we found out Shireen had cancer, at first I was sad, but then I thought, we're getting right out of this double Y. What, Skinnerd plays or something? I'm going to throw a bunch of shots. I'm going all the way to Los Angeles, California. I have my retard daughter here in a cage, and she smeared in facies, and I'm going to show her to people for a nickel. Taking to California to show her to people. All right, well, that was a good one, I feel. Hopefully that's redemption for the one everybody hated. They're referring to as the politics episode, but the truth is, guys, every episode is a politics episode. Yeah,

the personal is political, guys. The thing is, we're artists, so this is all allegory. Absolutely. Absolutely. Do you think these are all just dumb jokes, and you're not really analyzing how this is about, you know? Every slur is on purpose, and means something meaningful as fuck. Yeah, if you think about it, if you really think about it. We're not going to tell you, because that's not what artists do, bitch. That's not what artists do, but you've got to read between the lines. We're not stupid or offensive. Yeah, yeah. You just don't get it. Yeah, you're bitch. You bitch-ass piece of shit. But thank you for listening, and yeah. Come to the next show. Also, Monday after Christmas, the 2026. Yeah, Stal will be at Magoobies all this week, and he's

hosting for Ben Creed all weekend. I will be opening for Bobby Kelly and Magoobies. Actually, yeah, come out. A couple people have asked me on Twitter, come say what's up. If you're a comeboy, we'd love to see you at the live shows. Timonium Maryland. Timonium Maryland. I'm there Thursday, Friday, Saturday. A fake city. It's not even on the GPS. It just sounds like a fake element. Yeah, it sounds like a robot named Tim. Yeah. Hello, greetings. Y'all living Timonium? Yeah, just dumb thought was getting too much for me. So I'm going back to the country. Yeah. Fancy Timonium. They got a storage plus, a battery plus, plus everything. Yeah, they got a Chili's right by an outback out there. They got a Chili's plus. You know what that is? That's right. I don't yell

at you if you're taking food out at Domster. So yeah, come out. But yes, goodbye, everyone. Later.