The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - 31

is the music picking up it is yeah but it would make it better it doesn't matter guys if you i i don't know if the music's picking up on the background or not but uh celebrate is playing celebrations um why are we celebrating nick i heard your complaints about the uh audio quality the last uh last couple episodes so as a special treat we're doing this one in the basement of carolines while music is playing and there's some kind of weird resonance on uh on one of the mics from uh a cell phone bitch ass yeah it is uh it is my birthday this is a birthday spectacular yay happy birthday and happy birthday bitch thanks i'm fucking old now the birthday bitch i'm fucking oldest day bitch adam's still the oldest one on the show really how do you

i'll forever be the oldest one on the show that's how time well do you bitch i'm 29 years old look at neil de grass uh tyson over here explaining how time works neil de gay tyson yeah damn neil de kike tyson is a jamaican jewish guy hey man it's neil de kike tyson i live right near the bank oh fuck oh good start so that's the episode yeah all right happy birthday that was my present to you it was great me being anti-semitics myself my present is uh is just not doing the podcast anymore i did buy uh about like a one of those four k tv's today you did yeah oh hell yes yeah it was on sale for black friday the one i was looking at for like 200 off and it was already pretty cheap because it was last year's model nice and uh and then it went right back up and i was like oh fuck

well i guess that's the ship sale on that and i googled it today and it was back down 200 for some reason oh yeah and i was like damn girl are you get when's it coming in thursday white glove delivery nice dude yeah you know white glove means right what means this piss shit fucking salesmen the delivery men aren't allowed to touch my electronics and so use a white man's hand white mother fucking glove you gotta buy ps2 for now dude eventually i guess i gotta you know what i i i was helping norman hormones wilkerson move one time yeah and uh or not move he just had to move a bunch of shit in and out of his house they bought the him and his wife bought this house and like remodel it themselves so they were moving shit in and out of the garage and while we were

moving i found this pair of like white gloves like very fancy like white gloves and so i put them on and then i was like just pantomiming lifting stuff like a mime which was initially a very funny bit but then after like 20 minutes i still wasn't helping at all i was just you know like pretending to carry stuff and they're like seriously why are you even fucking here if you're just gonna keep doing that and then i left the patio door open they're like close that the cats are gonna get out and i just pretended to close it and the cats ran outside and they just weren't amused lulu thought it was very funny lulu was there who's that his wife no lulu is part of the uh oh stanhope's girl it's sort of yeah no no no that's uh what's her name but it lulu and isis nemo no bingo bingo

they were uh isaac and lulu my first roommates in austin and they're like uh they're part of that the old like stanhope panaman crew right people that would go out to the just go do drugs and shit like cool someone's smoking a cigar yes it smells like that's me it's like a fucking black and mild when you when you turn 28 you become old you smell like cigars and you're racist but it smells like the pipe do you guys ever smoke the pipe uh brand of black and mild that had the wooden tip no but nick used to smoke pipes in his windowless room in china town dude i just cleaned out my pipe and i'm gonna start smoking anymore why that is fucking disgusting you're just sitting in smoke yeah just smoking my my in my bryerwood pipe my english blend tobacco taking showers in a big

ass utility sink in the hallway yeah yeah yeah there's this old ass woman that would make soup in that disgusting sink a big rectangular sink there's always clogged you go in there and she's like i have no idea what you're saying she's like we're not gonna get anywhere i don't know what you're saying how many people did live on that floor uh nine nine nine yeah nine people occupied it i don't know how many people like stayed there there was somebody you know it's great it's like because i guess the doctor wanted to rent it out to other businesses so the first two rooms were like rooms before he gave up and was like yeah you can't just live here you know so the first room was another like acupuncture you know massage guy uh-huh and that

guy was great i would go bump cigarettes from him and he would always be sitting watching chinese movies on the shitty little tv while there was like a naked man behind him on the table like a naked chinese man just lying face down with his ass out and he would like just sort of like be like yes and then like slowly close the curtain behind him to cover the new chinese man imagine going to a business we're fucking it's it's right next to just you in a window less room yeah yeah and like three children for my troll blog career yeah that was nicole mullen head those were good days my favorite thing about that place is that you had a lock on the door but the door like was basically like shutters like it was like uh yeah yeah like venetian blinds

kind of like literally if you wanted to steal nicks twelve dollars and thirty seven cents worth of possessions you could just karate chop your way to this room well which interesting is is they they built the place with karate that's true that's the secret to breaking it down is that karate chopped all that fucking equipment up on the walls there was no like fridge right there was just there was a uh i bought a fridge i bought a mini fridge and put it in the there was like there's no like common fridge right uh no and then i had to sell that mini fridge on craig's list and some guy like called me at like two o'clock two thirty in the morning on like a wednesday and he's like you still got that fridge

these are real fridge hours fuck man yeah well you've made it now you're uh you have a sixty five inch television yeah you're 28 years old no one thought this was ever gonna happen never never thought you'd make it past 25 jokes on you he's still alive he's still alive bitch and he's never gonna die when you're making fun of retarded kids in high school in your remedial high school class which was just a step up above i wasn't making fun of retarded kids in high school he was laughing at the junior high so retarded kid eating berries or something oh yeah that wasn't me making fun of them i was just observing what was that shit again you were in fucking was that in high school or middle school it was uh

it was uh yeah high school high school sorry i got a weird i got a phone call from new hampshire so i'm worried look i'm serious right i'm worried it's some libertarian dude it's bernie gonna challenge me to a duel that's all they do they call people and challenge the duels um fucking uh yeah no my friend uh used to we had like open lunch and he and him and these other guys would sit outside of like the wing of the school that was like a special education school built into high school right and they would like nickname all of the developmentally disabled kids and like you know so there was one that was like squirrel boy and then frog girl oh god they're just different animals yeah well there was one kid that they called him like scary face or something like that

he was just like he was probably mexican um i don't remember uh god damn it not only gonna be voicemails oh hey nick happy birthday not fuck fuck fuck my phone so i called the phone my monthly time to go through i'm reading the transcript wanted to tell you i love you with happy birthday at work safe bye oh yeah i just tweeted out your phone number for people to call you tell your happy birthday did you really no that would be really that would have been a good bit it's probably it's probably my mom that's why that's why there's three fucks that's why she said fuck fuck fuck my phone just dtf yeah uh no okay so these guys uh sorry i can't deal with with random phone calls after that fbi thing yeah i was watching i was you know when the fbi called me i was watching

the big short oh man the scene where you know they're fucking like you know the investigation is growing or whatever and then i get a phone call from the fucking fbi and this guy you know what i'm just gonna play the voicemail who's it's coach from uh friday night lights right um the fbi that was in uh he was the fbi guy in willful wall street oh that's willful wall street yeah i forget big short big short was like the worst willful wall yeah it's just willful wall street but with nerds yeah guys who fucking bought fucking like wasted all their money on like rock climbing gyms when they got rich and like fucking whores and shit yeah i'm trying to see the quailudes and prostitutes one honestly that made i want to be a wall street guy dude that

shit is so cool yeah it's cool dude you get to get to be one of those baseball bats they're so amazing i'm trying to reach the moment my name is jim honi i'm a special agent with the fbi it's uh monday um jaren 18 is about 445 uh just looking for a time to talk to you uh ask us some questions in regards to uh something that we're looking into um i'll give you a call probably tomorrow or the next day to see uh see when you're available all right talking to six what day was that it was uh january 18th wow 2016 what a wild ride yeah um yeah no sorry but anytime i get a phone call now from a mysterious number i'm worried it's going to be that voicemail i got while watching the big short from an fbi agent with like a with a mid-atlantic accent

too which made it seem even more like a that guy kind of yeah i thought he was like new york i think i think because i was reported by my uncle or whatever that it went to like probably the philadelphia yeah everything in the field office yeah no he's like live oh i get a chance to talk to you if you get if there's any uh opportunity i got some questions that i want to ask you you know did you ever describe that story on the pod uh i've told it on other podcasts this is more we'd like to keep it loose here so let's get back to this story about the uh scary face the retarded child is sorry i keep getting distracted no he was this guy i think his name is edward he was like mexican or something and he had the most like intense cholo safety scissors hand

oh fuck i'm mad that wasn't me uh fucking yeah he had he had the most intense like uh like just pissed off you know cholo face do you have the full mustache at like 12 no no but i um i made friends with him in spanish class which was so funny because he was being the same level and he was like the sweetest guy he was like a really nice guy he was really into jan hammer i remember like like you know like talking about like jan i'm like that's cool that you're into like it's sort of a weird thing to be into that's cool jan hammers very talented i don't know jan i don't know what that is jan hammer is uh he was like a synth artist he had like a background in like uh like orchestral music or something yeah he was a symphony artist that got into producing

theme songs for tv shows so he did i think i was definitely on tesh he did miami vice oh hell yes he did the theme for cocaine cowboys yes he did uh i made i don't think he did night rider but like you know he scored he scored miami vice so there's all this shit that's you know specifically jan hammer stuff um but he had that scary face and then there was a kid they called retank who i don't even think was disabled because he he had a barbed wire tattoo on his arm and he was like 19 and he fucking uh he would just drink bailey's minis at lunch he'd just get drunk during school or whatever um but yeah it was like the first day of spring and there was like a bush behind school me my friends wanted to go have a cigarette and they're all out there eating the

berries what kind of berries were they from a bush probably the kind that resulted in like diarrhea in the classroom yeah yeah yeah the teacher has to deal with that just all everybody all especially just starts dying that's a fucking poor teacher they were all like i mean none of them were like seriously fucked up it was like a main streaming program so they were kids that were like maybe they were dyslexic or something that makes this story so much better yeah they're going out and eating berries yeah they're not started yeah they're not fully disabled i mean they were like you know they were they had like developmental problems so it would be especially it would be extremely cruel to make fun of them to their face and not you know right sort of just snickering from

an alley adjacent to the the classroom that they used where they tried to learn and defiance of science i mean that just the image of the model like i just figured i'm not even using their hands just going mouth first and just sucking berries off the tree like deer yeah that's some good shit a couple of white-tailed uh white-tailed speds i can't bring myself to call actual disabled people the r-word i got you you know i think so too yeah that feels wrong if you're calling uh you know a person that i just disagree with it probably suffers from some kind of mental illness a retard and a harassment campaign online to make their life worse that's okay but if it's a development it's an actual person with a disability that's a little cruel that's mean you know if it's

a blogger that just cares about social issues and they happen to go about it in like kind of a hysterical way by all means you know harass that person until they kill them so despite the fact that they have great intentions and they just want to make a little better place so let's play piano now which is hilarious i wish i knew how to play piano dude dude i have no good talents i was just thinking about one of my best friends growing up turned out to be like a he got a phd in fluid dynamics and he goes around the world like lecturing he's like an extremely smart guy and i think it's because he learned piano and i didn't that's it yeah as a kid he learned piano and that made him smart whereas i i uh didn't i think it does make you smart i was too busy being awful at dodgeball

i was so fucking bad at dodgeball you're just funny when they made dodgeball legal i'm like oh these fucking pussy kids and then secretly i was like thank you thank you were bad at dodgeball you can't play anymore um yeah it's terrible at dodgeball every ball i threw got caught i would always get fucking dinged and jam my fingers i was terrible at dodgeball i could i could whip the damn dodgeball around i was pretty good and pretty agile actually i used to be like one of those asshole kids that just hid hid in the back until other people were out so you were bad at dodgeball i would go right i would go right then i'd come down i had a very like saving private ryan attitude towards a front lines guy yeah no i was in charge and then get somebody out

quick as fuck i was definitely i would definitely be like a purple heart metal of honor kind of guy in the war not not so much like a silver star i'll be one of the guys that they name a bridge after because i'm such a hero but bad at shooting uh fuck i used to love deflecting the ball with the ball yeah that's just that's the coolest fuck let's play dodgeball i mean my friends used to go to this parking garage and play at night when we were like late teens we could probably get a fucking nice crew of people playing dodgeball it was actually pretty cool the cops came by one time and he was like they were like what the fuck are you guys doing in this you know you know they saw we had like all the balls and shit they were like are you guys just playing dodgeball they're like

yeah and they were like all right yeah sure we're not gonna do anything about this i was like the one-time cops you know it's funny i love when people are like uh that cop was actually really fucking cool and what they mean is like wow that cop didn't rape me that cop wasn't a complete asshole like they usually are i know so being a good cop just means you like or have the courtesy level of a normal human just the guy in behind you at the grocery store yeah right exactly uh fuck yeah one time me and my friend Tommy were driving onto an off ramp of the freeway like completely stoned a little bit joint we got pulled over and i just told the cop uh i'm we're trying to meet my family at pf chang that was the first thing that came to my mind he's like well you're gonna want

to go down that way it's pf chang's on charlson uh god damn it just stunk a weed what a fucking idiot yeah no i mean i i told you that story about me almost getting that dui yeah yeah god damn what a lucky now i'm such a fucking lucky that's like the thing where swm's where people are yeah when people are like what privilege i work in fucking radio shack and it's like well that that that's a perfect that's yeah yeah yeah we're in a nice neighborhood anyway anyway i could any there's no possible way i could disregard the law more in that situation and walk away scott free did you tell have you sold on the podcast though that story yeah i think you did okay yeah yeah dude i don't i got fucking pulled over one time just for like not having a seatbelt i've never like really

yeah i don't know what the fuck does that and then he he wanted to get my brother my brother was like 14 at the time it was like some it was like some jamaican cop i just remember was very weird and uh he uh he just insisted on my brother writing down his name yeah i don't know what scam he thought i was pulling but just not having my seatbelt on i don't know i i had a cop give me a bullshit ticket a couple weeks ago for what i was driving the truck for work uh yes on uh west end avenue and it's not technically a truck route but i've never i've never driven on truck routes doing a job i'd stay off roads and say no trucks but i've never used the truck routes right and uh he pulled me over he's like yeah i've been following you for like 10 blocks this is not a truck route

there's like signs posted everywhere and i had another guy with me and we're like what fucking signs you know there's like there's signs everywhere i'm like but what you know which some what is name one yeah yeah and uh stop yeah right one way so i got two points on my license for that shit really yeah that just sucks man yeah one time i like uh when i was like running the music space like our final show ever like i was moving out that weekend we had like a we had a big show and like uh i took mdma hell yeah cops came i was like on molly i like dealt with the cops and uh i like sort of was able to like get them i was like oh i'm about to move out you know you know you guys have come a bunch of times this is probably going to be the last time they're like

all right all right all right and they're like leaving and i was just like such a piece of shit like uh on so many drugs that i like made them stay you're like go get your fucking shine box what do you mean you made them stay no i made them stay to shake all their hands oh yeah you're a fucking idiot i wish you got arrested i should have gotten arrested that's that's a dumb shit that like when i was when i got pulled over and i had been drinking and that like cop was like running my shit and i was like trying to be cool as possible the cop looked like david bowie in my head i was like tell him he looks like if i'm so glad because you imagine immediately he's like all right you're going to jail because even if i was right it's

like the cop doesn't want to hear that right right right right no cop wants to be compared to david bowie they want to be compared to ted newton oh yeah oh yeah cat scratch fever ted has anyone ever told you you look like ted newton intensity in ten cities ted newton fucked like a 14 year old this is the greatest tour name of all time what is it intensity in ten cities oh that is incredible i didn't know about that one well chris cubis went on chris cubis went on tour with uh ralphie may hell yeah a couple years ago christ and i was like i was lobbying i was saying triple xl boys a comedy right i was saying you guys have to call it obesity and obesity dude san antonio

san antonio is a fat city right it's the fat it's the fattest city in america yeah it's the fucking fattest city that city is nothing but restaurants and it's like all military people which is weird because i thought they had to do push-ups but apparently you just go to san antonio yes but she's like you're for sure yeah well they also all they all love the rodeo so they dress like fucking cowboys but it looks like it looks like halloween costumes because like who you're too fat to sit on an animal you barely fucking walk so it looks like a bunch of fat people to dress up for halloween as cowboys and then eat all the halloween candy uh fuck they have the fucking alamo there they're real proud of those old churches they're pretty cool looking

in san antonio yeah well the alamos like right in the middle the alamos like the pyramids are in in egypt where it's like you know you see those shots of the pyramids but then if you just turn the camera slightly there's like a radio shack right so the alamo in san antonio is like in the middle of this downtown area and it's like like the house from up which is wedged in the middle of the city san antonio is actually the older parts of the city are pretty you know yeah yeah there's a river going through it and stuff yeah the river walks kind of cool i guess yeah i went there my mom came to visit me my my cousin came to visit me when i was living in austin and they were like let's go down to san antonio and i was like why yeah you're in the better takes a city

yeah well because my cousin was like 12 at the time and it wasn't like let's go get him drunk let's go down to e6 and teach him how to fuck a girl who wears suspenders is drunk off $35 gin and tonics i have a mason jar real austin style damn i want to move to austin dude i'm so glad i live there in my early 20s i'm so jealous it was so cool that's the perfect place that's like it seems like it's probably not cool anymore like this facebook and shit is there now right well it's probably like it's more expensive expensive yeah it's not like san francisco the thing about the thing that protects austin for being too yuppified is that it is in the middle of texas so the closest city is like

i think dallas or waco waco sucks dick right you know dallas dallas kind of sucks yeah san antonio sucks down yeah san antonio is an hour away yeah and uh you know you're in the middle of a fucking red state in a relatively small city comparatively i mean it's got like a population i mean it's probably more now it's probably over a million now but yeah yeah this shit keeps growing yeah there's some good ass fucking donuts you know awesome yeah dude i fucking we should go to austin yeah dude gordo's gordo's but gordo's became a restaurant and now it sucks oh really gordo's used to just be a donut trailer i went to the trailer it was good as shit yeah but they got the restaurant now and i went there last time i was in austin they have food that kind of sucks and

maybe the donuts are still all right yeah but they got those places here that's the thing man all that shit everything about awesome like oh i miss that and then like if you want it in new york they have it here right but it's it's as good um i would yeah they have those fuck they have all those weird fucking birds there too they have these little fucked up the bats and bats yeah why is awesome proud of bats dude i don't know bats are fucking there's that right edge where all those brats yeah there's a bunch of bats under the bridge it's just fucking a rodent problem that flies i don't fuck with bats dude yeah but bat almost killed my sister a bat fucking uh a bat flew onto the train when me and amber were riding the train here yeah amber like picked it up yeah but so like

the bat such a fucking hillbilly the bat flew into the train and lands on the fucking ground she's like that's a bat and i immediately opened like the door to go to the next car i'm like you know and she was like you're afraid of bats i'm like i'm afraid of rabies when i don't have fucking health insurance right you know if that thing bites you you have to go get a fucking rabies you can get it from guana from the poop yeah you know really yeah it's also my sister it's also this isn't a bat in a while it's a bat on the fucking subway like something is wrong with that bat right it's on the subway and she's like oh i can't believe you're being a fucking pussy about the bat it's like i don't care about the probably had raccoons as pets yeah yeah diana uh what

she's asked not to talk shit about okay we're not talking i'm not talking shit about i'm defending myself in this bat story and then so some other guys see like the girl you know fucking helping the bat so he's like i'm gonna be the tough guy and like pick the bat up or whatever and he's like you know he's like he goes and he gets it in his hands and his hands are shaking because he doesn't want to pick up this fucking bat he's already seen her call me out for being a pussy so he's like well i can't be a fucking pussy and he's holding the bat and he's like ah it bit me and the fucking bat bites this guy and i'm like yeah dude you need to go to the hospital and uh we get off the train and he's like oh okay and you know they put the fucking bat outside or

whatever jesus and i watched that guy walk away that guy's she's a nice price man yeah that's how you become bat he just get just get rabies and if he's foaming at the mouth of a batman mask yeah he's a very have you ever seen a video of a bat masturbating yeah very funny what does it do uses its wings just beats itself up beats itself off with its wings it's very very funny that's awesome yeah pretty cool um what's your favorite video of an animal beating off well they it's all we're sucking it's a wash the water sucking his the goat because he's got a mustache it's so awesome yeah he like stops for a second to look around his dick is incredible also it's such a long thing it doesn't i hate it when people do that with animals they're like wow look at the the

dick on that horse and it's like yeah it's bigger than your dick but in terms of horses dicks is that a big day i'm not going to compliment this animal for having a big day i don't know if it could be an average it what if he has a small dick they're good for horses dude they don't have big dicks no they don't some of them have you can't fucking compare it to your horse dick because you know i don't fucking like gorillas all have little dicks and it's funny animals are complimenting me for being smart i'm a particularly dumb human being but i'm smarter than them no they are dude fucking dogs people aren't like wow look how fucking smart he is no dogs are it's hard to do no but dogs think you're smart no they don't dogs think you have access to food there's this guy on youtube

that has like a cat's a collection of monitor lizards and there's this video and his wife's filming him and he's sitting in the living room in a lazy boy chair and he's laying back and there's like a komodo dragon just resting on him you know shooting his tongue in and out she's like there's dave and big boy just hanging out in the living room what are you doing they're like just you know sitting here and it's like that's that thing thinks you're a rock it's cold blood you generate heat so it's sitting on you to keep itself warm it has no emotions absolutely it's a fucking dinosaur that thing will try and eat you so quick yeah it with it evolved like 10 million years before anything resembling you existed oh yeah yeah that's back straight from there one of the most dangerous

predators right komodo dragons no dude those are the mongoose mongoose is the most dangerous is it i've often been compared to a mongoose oh yeah you're the mongoose of comedy and what's you're like the bobby slain the Puerto Rican mongoose of comedy you know mongoose is do kill rattlesnakes you know actually most dangerous predator the fucking white man the most dangerous game the Puerto Rican white man oh fuck man so what are we gonna do for your birthday dude are you gonna hit some batting cages i would like i kind of want to go to davin busters let's go to davin busters i might do that fuck it i said i was gonna go see a movie after dinner but uh yeah i could go to davin busters you want to do that yeah let's see that let's

do it let's get a little crew in busters time square it's right here right here in the heart you gotta go to the west village don't tell people where i'm going dude you know how many people i get following me around because of this podcast snapping my pictures trying to say snapping pictures at me they go hey paparazzi paparazzi hey mommy papi paparazzi totally in the spaghetti and then we get into that you know car chase and uh the tunnel we're doing the princess time yeah yeah but when you do you know what i was thinking about folks uh her name is princess die and she died that's what the leisure people don't want you to know that's i can't really do alex jones that's not bad i think that's a good alex jones did you see this uh conspiracy theory that

bill hicks is actually just alex jones yes yes yes we've all seen it okay i'm sorry i was like do you guys know about like mcdonald's has their own monopoly now that you can play and win headphones my favorite they have it my favorite mcdonald's conspiracy theory that i would see uh my like really stupid but woke black friends from high school was they had these these videos going around about how jews abduct black children and put them in mcdonald's oh mcdonald's the chicken nuggets is black that's just an update of that's just an update of an old one about matzah and they have and they have like this super jewish rabbi i gotta find the video it's one of the most funny and hateful things i've ever seen in my fucking life dude it's so

fucking good well you ever see that one which one jews steal black children and put them in mcdonald's well let's say it's the matzah well it's einstein bagels on mcdonald's yeah that's sort of where you grew up sort of thing in the west coast it's in and out yeah in and out yeah in and out's a evangelical christian uh company oh speaking in and out me my friend me and max my dick went in and out of me my friend max we're talking about this gay dominican guy so it's in and out of the closet who's who's allowed and who's not allowed in the restaurant go ahead finish your story i was telling nick before the show but we were talking to this gay dominican guy that works at the front desk at his storage facility and he was like

yeah i'm just ready for vacation i'm trying to go out there uh california i love it there like the food is so good i went i went to in and out burger i went to panda express he suck his teeth oh he's saying in and out he's great dude that guy people that love in and out is just like come on man it's fucking five guys it's like it's yeah no five guys are good five guys is better in and out that's not true it's not a shitty burger you know how easy you gotta get an animal style me and tim dylan who is way overdue for an appearance yeah we gotta get timmy d on here tim me and tim we're talking about it and he's like hey i feel like i could just make a good burger at home right

you know he's like why would i you know go out there restaurant it's 100 true i feel that that's something you could totally make by yourself i made some fucking good ass pork ribs my dudes that's the thing man if you get enough if you had a couple of friends and food blogs where you're like look i'm opening up this bullshit gourmet chip restaurant right where we just have kettle cooked chips we just rebag fucking lays yeah we serve them to people 85 dollars a plate small plate chips and uh all we do is chips and french fries and uh and you get enough buzz going you'd have idiots lining up for you i guarantee it we could do that i guarantee it i can't you're gonna like the way one thousand yeah did you see that which people forget that his name is also george zimmer

was that guy's the men's warehouse man's warehouse guy george zimmer his name is george zimmer his name is george zimmer i think i wish you but when the george zimmerman thing happened around was like everyone's like the mens warehouse guy you're gonna like looking like the president's son if he had one they fired him from those commercials they fired obama they fired obama no he not only was he the spokesperson he was like the ceo he was the ceo and spokesperson they fired him because of the trevon martin thing yeah you know what i'd stop move yourself on away from the uh my oh sorry i was looking at george zimmer it is george zimmer it's george zimmer yeah stand your ground baby oh boy so what are you guys gonna do with your next check i was nothing i all that

shit has to go yeah it all has to get a taxes at this point dude fuck taxes dude let's westley snipes that shit i think i want to buy an even better blender no i actually was saying that that i'm hoping that about like a new blender comes out the spirit of the vitamix and then i get it and stop stuck with that bullshit with the second useless blender you can't use for anything because that would be pathetic yeah and he has to come over and i put his blender in my blender you blend up and destroy his blender and i drink it in front of him dude that would be so fucking that would be getting cucked on a homie level yeah i'd be such a baby i went outside of my apartment last night and uh this like old lady walks by and she's like i just gotta say i love y'all

and i was like why's that she's like every time i come by here i found the best shit out front all right well thanks for just being out front about going through our garbage you know why are people so sensitive about their garbage because i have important documents in there well you should tread your shit up or tear it up uh i don't have a shredder i got yell that straight up for you know i could you're throwing my dog poops what you shredded a lot of documents of vitamix it's a good look i actually that would be a good use for the vitamix if i got one um yeah yeah it is a shredder you got mad someone got maddie for throwing dog shit yeah i was like throwing my dog my dog poop like i tied the bag up in this guy's garbage and he comes out of his house he's

like he's like you throw hey you throw your shit in my in my trash can i was like i'm sorry dude like it's trash it's trash and he's like oh no no take that shit home and he like made me he made me open it up and reach into his garbage in those situations my bag of poo and those situations all you ever need to do is go call the police and then you walk away always uh so call the police that guy would have beat the shit out of him he was pissed he was just not if he thinks that you're the kind of guy that has no problem calling the police which it was like an old black guy with a usmc t-shirt on oh he wouldn't be the shit out of you so uh dark gran terino yeah exactly it was a reverse gran terino and i was edgy the energy i was one of the humong kids yeah yeah

i was one of the humong ruffians instead of gran terino it's uh cooped a vil elder i don't know uh fuck man that'd be a much better movie it'd also be easy to defend if it was a black guy instead of a fucking old white man absolutely a black guy white kids have been racist towards us i love that scene that like it's seen in gran terino where he brings the kid to meet the irish guy and he's like what's up you mick fuck he's like nothing you pollock son of a bitch and they laugh and they're like hey so black guy in a kike in a in a fucking chink walking to a bar bar tender goes get the hell out they laugh and then he looks at the chinese game he's like this is how men talk

it's like i guess if you say so that's a solid joke that moves such a piece of shit no man it's actually a good movie it's just morally bankrupt it's fucking you know it's a racist it's a star vehicle for fucking slurs no one's used since like the donald duck fights the nazis he said he said he's at spooks he says he says dragonlady he says dragonlady yeah he calls the chinese girl dragonlady that's pretty funny yeah i used to text books like you three feet high in korea goops gooks gooks he says gooks when he goes to blacks yeah first of all this is the only movie i know i have the entire script member he goes up we should make bunkers out of you he drives up in his pickup truck to the black teenagers harassing the kid yeah it's like uh what are you spooks up too

they're like excuse me and then uh the fucking white kids like yeah go old man he's like shut up pussy so good the funniest part of that movie is the closing credits he decides that he's not gonna get his own song he's gonna just sing my friend brendan it's his dad my friend brendan's dad like got a copy of that song and he was like oh this is such a beautiful song he was like listening to it casually he's singing the funniest ones i think are slurs against italians yeah those are all good well those ones all came back sort of i feel like dago guinea wops spaghetti they're they're fully white people now in this country yeah they have that you can well the ones the anti irish ones are always fucking stupid like get out of here

you damn potato eater yeah yeah yeah what everybody used potatoes there's no good ones for greek people either yeah mic is stupid that's just part of their name what is wop without papers without papers yeah without penis actually a lot of the italians that came over didn't have penis well they all had vaginas yeah we've talked about they got their wait wait wait wait let's let's run it back because i i always get confused on this so they they got rid of their sausage on the way on the boat on the way over here they just to make more space well all italian oh because there were so many people on the boats yeah all italian american men basically the moors came up to sicily from north africa from north africa and uh you know the italian men had very minuscule because of

like the renaissance and like they're all castratos they're all castrated young age oh the church was was they can be better at singing yeah well they were doing it by their own volition oh they didn't paint so kissing each other yeah when the moors invaded all of the italian women are like oh finally it's a man who actually has a penis a bigger penis is i can actually feel it instead of it feeling like a slight breeze on the my vagina my vagina cheat and uh wow yeah so the original italian men were almost bred out of existence so that's why they call them they were all movies right because it's an eggplant which is yeah the penis emoji yeah okay yeah yeah yeah so uh the italian americans that came over were all penisless so in ellis island the irish who were just doing their jobs

were like let's call them all without penis they know what gender to put down yeah it was before being trans yeah actually all time and were trans that's disrespectful i mean they're both papists you know they should they should stick together the irish and the italians no they shouldn't they shouldn't no well okay that's your opinion they should fight each other i have my opinions i want that to come back i would love it i would love it if there was such strong irish italian resentment going on in america that both groups who were responsible for racism towards brown people yeah yeah yeah of all kinds didn't have time to hate people of color i don't know if they're responsible but they were definitely champions of it they invented it i think definitely dude i think there were some

anglo saxons that were definitely they fucking invented that's why i love like people that are islamophobic or whatever they're like well these muslims coming over here and like they're doing terrorism or whatever it's like at least terrorism is connected to some kind of like global ideology or something or they think god's telling them to do it and it's such a miniscule number you compare like the draft day riots and what they always did because they're like oh i'm not fighting in no war let's go burn down the orphanage yeah they murdered like little black girls yeah yeah yeah they're not fighting in this war you're not making me do anything new york was the most racist city in the north by far and it was partially because and now it's boston now it's

boston now it's boston yeah i've often said that the only word that uh ends in er that people from south he can pronounce right is the end i bet they do say funny too though yeah you know trump's having them play at his uh inauguration the mighty mighty boston's no um boston uh uh uh chip it up to boston what's a dude i'm gonna record the national anybody anybody who's ever liked that song is an idiot is like a piece of garbage yeah that sucks dude yeah it's like fucking open ass ecords bagpipes and just some gay chanting oh check out music theory Starved Roots yeah you play guitar yeah i play guitar bitch you do oh yeah really i think you never told me me that before I shred really we never used to jam together I know four

courts yeah I feel left out I don't play any plays I play guitar played I started playing trombone in fourth grade faggot and then well those are the options dude that was like the least stupid one trombone and saxophone sax is cool the trombone sax is sexy trombone it was too complicated they're trombone there were too many buttons I thought the slide it was like trombone has three buttons no trombone has a slide just the slide so it's just a big slide whistle yeah that's why I chose that is that where the Tim Allen grunt came from is that trombone yeah well originally it came from Al's ass and

there was no way for them to edit it out so Tim was like fuck it we'll do it live I played I tried to play guitar for like when I was in ninth grade and I just my fingers were literally too fat to play guitar well mmm yeah short stubby fingers but you know I got the beginning of the godfather theme and I love that part of sweet child of mine that do do do do do do do do do oh nice yeah so nice I got a lot of fucking head in high school honestly off that shit if you go back to my if you go back to my childhood room if you go back to Baltimore just like the fucking wackest just tackiest 10th grade white kid posters

it's just like simple they're still in there they're still in there no one's touched it it's a shrine it's a shrine my mom turned my room into like like a little office guest bedroom area so there's all these she's painted the room pink there's flowers everywhere it's like all over all of her religious shit so there's like you know moral compass and like pictures of Jesus he just erased all traces of you existing there yeah kind of a resentful way she needed the space right right you have her to have her holocaust denier meetings she doesn't do that anymore that was the fault of her church she was in a cult my parents

were in a cult too yeah what your parents probably also holocaust deniers it's a big part of any cult it wasn't a holocaust denier cult but they were in it for they thought they were too hot they're in it for years and then they were at a retreat in Colorado and then it was like the Sunday morning of the retreat and they're like all right now um has anyone here heard of Jesus Christ and then like literally they mentioned Jesus and my dad snapped out of like the cult trance and he like looked at my mom he's like Joanne grab your bag we're going Jesus this whole time this whole time you know that was like what was

it was like a group like got together and hung it was like a the swingers it was a presented as an ontological organization studying being you know that's how it all is I found out my dad was in a cult too really I think my dad's very close to chest you won't tell you anything in the 70s everyone was in a cult yeah my dad was like I kind of got I because he's like I didn't talk to my family for like three years and I was like why and he was like yeah you know that was actually my fault it wasn't really them he's like I got involved in this like organization it's the Sullivan group or something yeah it's always

some like very like non-descript yeah weird well he was like it wasn't really a cult so much but they there's a because there's always emphasis on like psychoanalysis so it was like some Freudian cult oh that's like just like think my Scientology yeah yeah like like like sounds like the losing competitors of Scientology yeah exactly it's all answering the same basic question that any religion is trying to answer which is like oh it's really sad that we're just gonna die and like you know I'm trying to see some titties in the afterlife yeah exactly but that's why you got to get into Zen Zen doesn't

make you excommunicate anybody what's that yeah you got to get into Zen it doesn't make you actually indicate anybody I want to get into Zen dude Zen's pretty cool I had a mental breakdown like 10 years ago and started going up that was the only religion I had growing up it's like Buddhism do you get to fuck hot Chinese women you're actually not supposed to do anything really yeah yeah yeah yeah if you're at me like I'm out it like I'm out full Zen I guess is you fucking you like to have construction projects you fucking work on they used to go to this end though and the guy like built the whole

fucking place himself this old Chinese guy or Korean guy built the fucking so your your woodworking is just a pretty much yeah gateway into Zen yeah and that's what my motorcycle obsession is what motorcycle obsession well it's making a joke about Zen in the art of motorcycle I see I'm not making a joke read into motorcycles yeah my dad gave it to me it's amazing well it's what is it it connects like the Canon like Eastern or Western philosophical Canon to to Zen yeah yeah yeah and it does you know through I'm so I mean Stoicism is essentially the same exact thing as that similar yeah yeah I'm so jealous you

guys had dad's the fucking red books and shit my dad my dad didn't really read books I mean he's my dad read books in the 70s yeah my dad was stupid books in the early 2000s my dad's exposure to art was because he was a photographer so he knows like a decent amount about visual art but I've talked to him about literature and he hasn't really read much he's read he's read the Russians which everybody fucking reads right and then like maybe Tropic of Cancer and then Cold Mountain which he read 25 years ago and he brings up anytime you mentioned any book man my dad's fucking stupid and I always said it was because

I always thought it was because he was Greek and then it's like childhood friend from Athens came to visit mm-hmm and we're just like he knew everything he was like talking about the election yeah and I was like oh my dad's just fucking he's European he's played about like Bernie's fucking tax plan and shit like that it's like oh he speaks better angles to my father did I can pull shit dude I hate having a dumb ass dad yeah maybe he's really good at something you just don't know about he's good at woodworking he's good at cheating on my mom and woodworking doesn't cheat on your mom let's get into that probably stop

Stavros Halkia senior notorious a manual philanderer I love the philanderer and philanthropists are so close yeah I consider it to be the same thing yeah if you fuck I what I do is I pledge I'm gonna cheat on my wife-a-thon and every time I fuck a different woman you pledge $50 whenever I imagine you and your father I imagine the yellow M&M and the red M&M wait you're yellow no your dad's the yellow and you're the red one you know what you and eldest are a lot like the yellow yes it's true this is 100% the yellow yeah the red one we're doing that shit for Halloween yeah that's Adam's green one you ever fucking

step on my line sorry don't ever do it I started the bit I get to finish it you better believe I know where it's going fucking trust me to say a fucking line piece of shit that maybe it's good you know good good chemistry if we go to the same place the pretzel M&M which is the one with autism which they had to take out of the commercials because people got mad didn't they use to have a tan one that they got rid of it a brown one the brown ones the POC M&M because do you remember those commercials or the brown one would show up and they would all be like oh my god she's like I'm not naked remember that oh yeah it's a girl right

yeah the green and brown are girls red and yellow or men wasn't there another one there's a blue one blue blue he was clinically depressed get it he's feeling kind of blue you got the blues I'm blue how about that song I'm blue da boo dee da boo die I like that yeah I fall I fall 69 oh really 65 oh man yeah fuck dude I fuck up but the other die I'm gay I had another one for our we're gonna record our Christmas yeah I know I had another one I came up with for the Christmas why don't you come to my place after Dave Buster's hold on hold on but it's not dreaming of a white Christmas it's oh yeah it's beginning to

look a lot like it is I'm I'm beginning to suck a lot of dudes of good stuff thank you so there I think they're kicking us out here yeah there seems to be like there's a lot of angry stairs I keep there's something setting up and I'm keep hoping that it's a surprise party for me but it's like just saying them up and they're like yeah ignore those guys and we're over here like and then I said I fucked I fucked her in the end what it was it's the Grinch but he's got a dick on his face excuse me whatever whatever his nose is a bank America corporate retreat we paid good money or the top part top part of his

head that's like pointy would have that's a dick yeah seriously guys let's think about this dude I would have fucked up movie yeah do we talk about that I don't have tie semitism well yeah but it's some guys some poor guy that like you know can't afford to live in the town yeah everybody's on the outskirts of town he's mean to him they don't use a different color yeah he's green yeah he wasn't a bad baby grinch yeah so he goes down there and fucking you know appropriately redistributes the wealth and that's society and then they fucking shame him for it and they're like you know they're all happy anyways because

no matter what they're still gonna be rich you know rich people don't need money to be happy they're just better than you and then he's like I guess I'll give this stuff back to him because there's no point that's the point of that fucking hose yeah Cheryl from it's all from Larry people got mad at the second Batman movie because it was like anti-occupy was it yeah I don't remember because it like Bain yeah yeah Bain was occupying yeah oh all those Christopher Nolan Batman movies are like super right-wing yeah I mean the whole concept of vigilante justice is like kind of a right way oh let's let's have justice

without like you know a trial or I found you follow Ilya Ilya on Instagram no he's a Kazakh weightlifter he's fucking hilarious but what's funny about him is he's like hands down pound for pound probably the strongest man in the entire world damn when it comes to Olympic weightlifting but he doesn't like he obviously doesn't train for like body composition so he's not fat he just looks like shit he looks dumpy you know yeah I mean he's kind of built he's wearing sweats all the time yeah you wouldn't be able to tell the difference between him and like you know like a guy that just loads the back of a fucking

garbage you know and he's like balding all shitty and he's from Kazakhstan so he's tasting things are retarded yeah but I would love to use like going out pics yeah no it's all that shit you know puma track pants and a silk polo yeah and then like a headband like a tie-dye headband but he has a he has a picture of him in the Joker make his thumb is like three inches weight him and what the Joker he has like Joker makeup now the guy with a three inch wide thumb is Dennis Saiplin caught the yeah who is like the Russian he's a body builder but he's like the one of the like number one arm wrestling guys oh he

couldn't be Larry the cable guy that's for sure no I did Larry that fucking arm yeah there's a video of Ilya Ilyin Dmitry Klokov and then another guy and they're in Long Island City they came in they're like going to some CrossFit in Long Island City or something and all of them live in like form in Soviet like you know right just the work of lives in Russia yeah yeah how do they get that big just eating fucking cow meat and shit well it's not you need you need the protein to like build muscle and get big but as far as like like weight lifting goes strength is like mostly neurological and it is a sport so it

requires like coordination and like the like optimizing your mechanics of how quickly you move the weight up your body so like a lot of that is there just you know they are very strong but they're better at like doing it then right you know but dude how the fuck they get nutrients isn't it isn't that isn't like George isn't just like a bunch of you should see what the fucking Chinese weightlifting team eats they eat like fucking general sauce chicken and bullshit ramen like top ramen and stuff there's like videos of like yeah those like damn that sounds tight yeah those Chinese guys like Lu Xiao

Zhang and shit eating lunch and it's like garbage but those guys are fucking jack because they do bodybuilding stuff in addition to you know they're regular I can't wait to be jacked dude any day now yeah doing push-ups well okay so there's a video of them in Long Island City or whatever I've seen this yeah yeah it's I showed Adam it's great and they're all in like the car and they're like you know somebody's taping them and they think it shows the backseat and they're all dressed like it gets you know like tracksuits again you know like fucking and you know they're like waving at the camera they're like what's up you

know and Ilya Ilya who like doesn't even speak English she's like what's up nigga fucking and then the camera moves away or whatever and then in the comments in the YouTube video in like Russian it says like Dimitri Niga is a very offensive word in English you need to tell Ilya that you can't say that and then in like Dimitri responded like in Russian like I will inform him yeah yeah well he's like muscle borad he doesn't fucking know anybody right right right yeah talk about some for a second I'll pull up his Instagram I would love to fucking do you follow the the the guy the Chechen like the leader of

Chechnya on Instagram yeah yeah is he good yeah yeah Ramzan Katerov yeah he like thinks he's like a medieval king he like there all he is though they're already right sort of I mean he's also it's it's weird because the chat Chechnya is also a Muslim so like all the women are wearing like his job just fuck no but like he has like parties where he gets like celebrities to come to the party oh my god he gets celebrities yeah he got like I mean I guess it's sort of like Putin gets to go all the ship ship who to get I forgot who he got but it's like it was like fuck do you remember Nick who Katerov got

to go to that party for him was like Cindy Crawford or something no I don't remember I had to be honest with you caught the Katerov's not as good on Instagram it's like the other guys he's pretty good he's sort of top is he a warlord does he have guns oh yeah yeah no he's a few people well basically there was a civil war in Chechnya he's evil so there's like separatist Chechen groups that want to leave Russia yeah so he's the guy that's installed by the by Kremlin by the Kremlin and by Putin to like you know like crush any resistance damn but his dad was like one of the freedom fighters and then they sort of

signed a deal with the devil like to take over for Putin but like the thing is is like he's not necessarily that easy to control and like he's like he's also maybe you might just tell Putin to fuck off at some point at potentially at some point and then Trump is gonna have to go in and by himself just gun shit just by himself Trump fired a gun you think Trump's palms have to be so pillow-y soft he's just has to be like 14-year-old brass fat fat man breasts he let his he's literally yeah I don't know that dude has not done this some good content yeah guys check

out what his face is Instagram sorry I'm just going through it now Ilya niggas look at it now yeah well then Dennis Saiplin Cobb is the best of all Dennis sucks sucks man it sucks sucks kids off no that's a throwback Igor sucks kids off oh yeah yeah it was very festive in here's early come down hit yeah people are very mad that we're here yeah it doesn't matter no here's Dennis this is the kind of shit he puts on yeah like a speedo thong and that dressed is like a Viking otherwise dude that's good I'm taking that yeah I'm taking that look yeah you should I need an armor and sword baby yeah at Stofi

baby on Instagram baby boys so we are oh congrats to stuff who's just featured in in gay guy magazine of course dude gay Instagram was it in out yeah I'm an out magazine I already announced on the pod but no you didn't I'm one of one of the 11 men redefining male beauty so body positive what were the other men you know that guy from from the the Hispanic friend on chewy no no Hispanic friend oh wow what a fucking reference to pull out when someone just says Hispanic is Chelsea Handler's gimmicky midget assistant that's where you go with that that's kind of like I'm an internalized racism I really man someone

says Hispanic and the first thing that pops in your head is chewy so Chelsea lately fluffy like Caesar Chavez I meant Gabriel Iglesias Iglesias no no no no it's from fluffy from half baked the Hispanic oh Cuban B yeah I when I had a he's one of the first manager I ever had in business yeah I was getting my start in show business the first manager ever had real piece of work this guy real fuck shitty manager and I talked to him and I was like yeah so I want to write for television and you know I have some samples I can send you he's like yeah yeah that's great what we really need for you is a website it was like yeah I

don't think people need a website nobody goes to websites anymore he's like well we're gonna get we're gonna get on it we're gonna get a new website for you and we were thinking of it's something like Gabriel Iglesias's website we love his website they go to it and there's like animations of popcorn it's all fucked up shit I'm like yeah you're fired no interest in working with you we need flash animation we need home star runner where it just starts playing for eight straight minutes you can't stop it yeah here's here he is doing the the tire exercise oh man that's you know what I want to do I want to sign up for

Planet Fitness and then be like okay great yeah so I can start working out whatever and they're like yeah and then just leave and come back with my own giant tire just trying to get it through the door they're like sir sir what are you doing I'm like excuse me I was promised I could bring my giant tire like we actually never said that you're a lunk sir my giant tiger tired of yoga I love flippin giant tires dude he uses the battle ropes oh yeah that's the flip that's trying to joke around like yeah what are those dumbass ropes for it he's like yeah I use them and I was like all right I guess they're cool

or you know I'm either not weird or you feel you probably feel like range of motion it's probably good it's like good cardio and probably a good workout for your shoulders or whatever but dude you tell me you know that feel powerful dude like you just fucking whip in some big-ass horses with that shit yeah I don't need to pay $45 a month to go wave my arms yeah I can post I yeah I use like a big rope and then I just pull us bowing 787 dreamliner I instead of the ropes I bring my own extension cord to the gym and I just fucking whip it around sometimes I hit people they can't say shit because I'm working out I'm

improving myself and if you fucking criticize me after I brought my extension cord here a heavy-ass one that dude Herschel Walker yeah who's absolutely jack yeah has never lifted never lifted a weight in his life well that's how well Jackson was but Jackson he uh but Jackson never worked out and he could fucking not he could fuck your wife Adam well Herschel Walker has like a push-up well he can if you want but Herschel Walker has a push-up and sit-up regime but one of the other things he does is he lives on like a farm somewhere and he just has like a mountain of dirt and he just takes a

shovel and just moves the mountain of dirt to another location that's like what that's like a tall tail like John Henry yeah and he carried that ox until the ox was grown and then he could lift that fucking you know he was strong man and he went around the country planting seeds and those seeds grew up into the the transcontinental railroad I wonder how easy it is to just pretend to be a tour guide and just hi I'm pretty easy hi Jim does it at museums oh it's museums no I mean I mean not being a tour guide I mean like going to a museum being like guys if you want to follow me around we need a

clipboard in a fucking little less skinny tie this is interesting this exhibit is where they actually planned to the fiction was the Holocaust Hitler coming up with the numbers now they didn't actually kill anybody you know it's Hitler a lot of people know this he was he was Jewish himself and the entirety of World War two was a Zionist conspiracy to create Israel what my name I heard that I'm sorry my name is Adam Friedland yeah no I work here my name is Adam Friedland I live it and then I just say you're a dress on the pocket blank seven blank blank blank H blank well tell you what folks we are

out of time we're out of time blank do you want to do the birthday thing for now don't do the birthday thing I just want to say if you haven't subscribed to the podcast on patreon we did two bonus episodes this week and that might become a regular thing so doing two bonus episodes and one will not be that good probably actually the people like the one they said that was good man I didn't say it was bad I just said it was you know not as good as the other one anyway who cares yes subscribe to patreon come see us December 26th we got funny moms yeah also we are Caroline's right now trying to bang out a Caroline's live

show which is gonna be the same format as funny mom's live it's gonna be called come town live and it'll be a Caroline's and we're gonna book comics and we want to get an idea what the numbers are gonna be so yeah I mean I don't know you know if you're interested interest you know let us know let Caroline's know I mean they'll go book it whatever yeah if and if you're a comic listening and you want to get booked send Nick a Facebook message he's not on Facebook right now actually you can email me a come town at iCloud.com but yeah if you want to get booked you know you will book any comic in New York it really

doesn't fucking matter and then yeah but if we can get an idea we have to figure out what the numbers are going to be for Caroline's before we figure out what the door price is going to be and you know the drink minimum and stuff but we're gonna try to keep it low the down to like yeah maybe 25 the concern is yeah is we want to make sure all the comics are paid so we need to figure out a price point where they get but we don't get paid I mean I don't take a cut Adam and stop do but I'm I'm the magnanimous we take a big we take a pretty big we probably take 70 80 95 we command a big I my entire the entire

time I've been doing comedy my dream has only been able to get to a point where I can't pay comedians fairly mm-hmm that's more important to me than being a better comic dude well you're about to live your dream yeah I would love it I would love to have a fucking production company where I can give mean straight white men money to follow their dreams and never hire any WSE in any capacity whatsoever thank you everyone thank you all right you guys are great bye happy birthday Nick happy birthday to me