The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - 32

It's the come town Christmas spectacular. It's this is December. Shut the fuck up It's I don't interrupt me. What the fuck is your problem that you can't just let me tell no I just start talking immediately. You're gonna talk over me. I did I was sound effect I thought I don't understand what the fucking problem is that I can't get two words out of my mouth before you Immediately start talking. I thought you were done. Why was I? I just said one. You know the name of the podcast I said shut the fuck up shut up shut the fuck up and wait just count on your head Literally count five seconds and feel how long all right feel how long five seconds of silence probably is to you

It's okay count it right now. Yeah count out five seconds in your head You see how long this is you see how much talking I can do before you've interrupted me That's how long it is Okay, I mean that's all it would have taken is fucking is just five seconds to get some kind of context or understanding Of where the conversation is going or what's gonna find I could have had a bit prepared. I don't but I could have I Fucking totally could add a thing. I was going into I mean Jesus Christ dude like I'm you know it's funny because people listen to show and I'm the one that gets insulted for being You know autistic or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, which you know, it's probably true. Yeah. Yeah, I probably am you know

But at least I can understand fucking social cues. What's your excuse? You're just rude Me? Yeah, you're just a fucking rude person. Are you in a bad mood right now? I'm actually in a pretty good mood because I've decided I'm going to buy PlayStation Was that a bit? Which was the big announcement that I was hopefully we could you know Get to in a fun way. Well, no now I've blown this surprise for everybody That was the first 20 minutes of the pipe. We were gonna tease it. Yeah Going into the first break. This is the Christmas spectacular We got a couple plugs to do up front as long-time listeners. No, I don't like to brag about it, but I am

to your one You know black ops operator. I was a 9-11 first responder. I was there in the towers seeking out You know Muslims and terrorists and survived the crash and eliminating them a tactical close quarters tactical combat and The thing that keeps my hands warm, you know while I'm yeah Pulling the life directly out of the lungs and souls of Iraqi children, right is north face E-tip They're great. Yeah, they you can still use your phone

I know a lot of a lot of a lot of gloves advertise that you can still use your phone, you know while you're getting Directions from the Pentagon to a family's house To end their there, you know, how does that family line? How does it do with blood? What's that? How does it do with child's blood? I bring my own blood. Oh nice. Yeah, there's not enough I've gotten so used to killing that the normal amount of blood that comes out of a human being isn't enough for me So I have to bring extra blood And I feel something. Yeah, just to get that murdering a child a rocky child rush

So if you've been listening to chapeau you probably know that I purchased an enormous TV Yeah, this is so tight. Have you guys been here for the TV? I haven't been this is the first my first time This is insane. It's great. I've been a complete piece of shit the last week I've done nothing but sit in front of this TV and watch movies and get into like a just a real deep fucking depression And I really just can't stop thinking about wanting to kill myself. Nice. I'm wasting my life or whatever and the solution But you just keep watching more movies Just keep watching them, dude You buy all the subscription packages for Amazon and then each one you're like

Oh, I'm gonna now you have so much more stuff I can watch and you watch one movie and then you get you know really fucking upset with yourself Yeah, oh, yeah, I've been watching so much Sopranos I'm trying to finish it so we can have a sopranos app. Yeah, so in the background we've put on I already forgot the name of it some it's a John Travolta movie. It's a John Travolta. You know what? I don't know. This is probably not a good idea because we had something on I just sat here Well, they did the last chapeau uh-huh and they put on uh, I Don't know fucking

Like rumble in the Bronx or something or I don't know I was just watching TV and then they put stuff on so I haven't seen this movie I was hoping we could put on something dumb and then we could uh, maybe laugh at it But there's no way I'm gonna be able to have a conversation and watch the movie And Adam's already not paying attention. So that's backfire. I'm not not paying attention. I'm just I just wanted to see what happens I'm just insulted personally why from your from taking me to task in public He hasn't even listened to anything. That's the only place it matters. Oh, you're depressed. You got a big TV You're depressed you watch TV a lot and you're you just you've had staves try to watch sopranos

I've been listening to the whole thing. I'm a great listener. That's something that people compliment me on actually is how good of a listener I am and no way and yeah, and and and you just know how to look like you're listening Yeah, thinking about I'm listening whatever's going on. You you listen to people long if it's an attractive woman You'll listen long enough to figure out where they're from. Mm-hmm, and then you'll throw out one tidbit about where they're from It's true. I had a good one the other day. Oh, yeah, no, who I met a girl from sing Singapore Yesterday, yeah, it's illegal to spit there. I said how do you know that? I said it's illegal to spit there And she said that she thinks it's really annoying that that's what everyone brings up Is it really illegal to spit there? Yeah, that guy got caned that kid. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, here's like an American student in Singapore got caned you can't you just can't just for spitting Yeah, it's like a thing parents say well leave, you know in Singapore you can get we've never heard that Can't you fuck like process it don't people go to Singapore to fuck isn't that like kind of like Thailand? Well, I think all those places they have Yeah, I don't know anything about it. I mean, I think there's iterations of boys. I think they fuck No, Singapore is like an it's like a city-state. It's like a really small country. Is that where Chris Brown got arrested? Do you know maybe for by the Philippines for biting Rihanna? Yeah, I don't know if that's illegal in Singapore No, that's legal. I used to get a bunch of hate mail from Singapore for writing that article about China. Oh, really?

Yeah, are they Chinese over there? There's a lot of ethnic Chinese. There's a lot of ethnic Chinese a lot of Malays A lot of they got mad at me for writing that thing about Chinese New Year. Oh, and they would send me hate mail It's like you will go to Jeff with it About how like Chinese New Year isn't real, right? Yeah, no, I wasn't a Chinese New Year wasn't real It's a Chinese New Year is like a month after regular New Year's Mm-hmm, so I wrote like it was like one of the first things I wrote on thought catalog is like so are we just not going to tell Chinese people that New Year's was a month ago

Yeah, weren't like Chinese people threatening to come. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah Chinese the Chinese and waiters are the groups that hate me The fucking most you do you still get emails over that waiter article? Yeah, so many people hate me That's true. It's really true. Some of them are in this room right now. Yeah It's like it's one of those things where you can you can be like, yeah Well, fuck that if you're not pissing people off, you're not doing something right and it's like well plenty of people don't piss people People have no problem being likeable and Who said that quote? What's that not pissing is that mother Teresa was Darth Vader Darth Vader? Yeah, he's a bad fuck the haters if you're not doing hit me one of those candies

It's cookie dude. These aren't yours. This is from my allotment of cookies. Yeah, I got you your own to do Yeah, well, I lost mine These are from Stabs mom Stabs mom. She made us some beautiful baked confect. Shout out to Lil V some Greek These are incredible. They're very good. The brown ones will suck your cock. I had some of your so fucking good Your mom's nice. She's the best dude. Did you does your mom know you have a podcast? Sort of and she prepared these for your podcast friends. No, she just prepared them for my friends. I Didn't tell her that it was my podcast friends. Did you she doesn't really know what my mom got both of you guys copies of

Norman Finkelstein's books I Actually you Adam thank you. She got you a calculator Doesn't add up to six million doesn't Functionally, it's changed up. You try to type in six million. It's just 150,000. It just says tops It's like that mr. Show sketch what 150,000 Yeah, my parents don't really give a shit what I do Well, I've been like such a fucking disappointment for so long right that it's like, you know, I'm not I don't ask them for money ever

You know, so you're doing that you're doing it sort of yeah, I mean You know, I mean, I don't fucking lean on them, right? So they don't really give a shit when's the last time they really believed in you and believed it I mean, I think they believe in me. They just have such low expectations that it's not Something I really have to worry about. That's so great. Yeah No, I have like I have like stepsisters that like struggle and shit. So I'm like kind of the bar is low as hell Yeah, oh, that's nice. That's great. So as long as you don't just have like a fucking three kids out of wedlock or some shit Yeah, they're not doing that bad

But I mean, you know, it's just it's fucking the economy shitty and if you don't particularly know what the fuck you want to do Yeah, you know and like none of them can like borrow money from like enough money from my dad and you know his wife to Like, you know, they can't be like I need $5,000 to go start my business or whatever You know, they can't do that. So they can just sort of continue living at the apartment. Damn, I'd love to start a business, dude You said I want to be a fucking I want to be like a fucking diner. I literally started a business. This is a business I started the business. I employ you Capable of I had to do it. Yeah, well, I'm president of the union. I'm executive. That's fun. Dude. We won't have any fucking union

It's in here, dude. Wait Yeah I'm a company man. We'll get a scab in here so quick. This is bullshit I thought we were starting. All right, dude. I sold you out, man I'm just like you just like you just like bargaining Collecting I like collecting and I like bogging I Collect stamps and red coins and I boggin I say I give you five cents for that dime Is that time is worthless? Trust me. I collect rare coins all the time pal. I'm telling you that dime is worthless

I'll give you a five cents for it That'd be a cool character the guy that convinces, you know, that jack lemon Guy that hangs out in the Dunkin Donuts and Grand Central and convinces people to sell him their change For less than it's worth I tell you I've seen plenty of quarters in my life now this one is worth yes That's what he did. I'll give you I'll give you a dollar for that quarter But said these other these other 10 quarters you have a worthless That's not a bad con dude. Yeah, I just do this all day and that's that's where they call me the artist of 42nd Street

the beautiful artist We've been I've been standing on this corner for 97 years made almost $400 I've been out here since 1823 My father was a shipbuilder And my mother was a prostitute We should do a fucking three-card Monty game, dude

Fucking start a scam like that old-school shit. Yeah, you know Or have like a fucking what are some cons we could get into we could pretend you're lost How about why did every homeless person always say they need like a bus ticket to like I wish I was a con man So bad, dude, I could never fucking I just I Don't know I couldn't pull it off. I would just be too happy about the con I'd be too excited to get their money. Yeah, I wouldn't be a good enough actor. Yeah, have you ever fell for any cons? Have I fallen for any cons? No, I could see through them immediately. Yeah Yeah, I've also seen one time in fucking DC and see it's not like a dumb guy

Oh, you're smart, you know, and you think you would have a little bit more street smarts than this But some like fucking bum was like you want this Dell laptop at 70 bucks and it was like a Dell laptop box And she was like, yeah, and he like gave the guy 70 bucks And then they don't even open they take the box all the way back to the venue and they open it up It's filled with a bunch of newspapers And it was like sitting and like I think Andy Haynes and Jay Hastings like running down the street They're like you see this fucking guy or whatever. It's like first of all, don't do anything to that guy You can't get your money back, but don't act like you're gonna fucking beat up this homeless guy who outsmarted

Yeah, right died of like a stale honey buns. Yeah, yeah, yeah coffee found No, you absolutely deserve to have that happen If you get fucking ripped off you probably deserve it by a fucking homeless dude. Yeah by a guy who hasn't slept in doors He's fucking he had more critical thinking than you. Yeah, I remember one time in Chinatown when I was like 14 We came up to fucking do like a trip like a It was like a Greek trip to New York and all these fucking assholes There's like a group of a group of my friends were just like fake like when you were the group of assholes I heard Greek chip trip to New York. Absolutely. No, no, we but these kids were like the fuck

They were like they thought they were like real they just ran their father's diners I thought they were like drug deal. They acted like they were drug dealers because they had like dads who spoiled them Right, so they went to buy fake chains I follow me into this empty building Into a vacant building and they stole four hundred dollars from them. They were all going to buy fake I get I think it was g-unit chains at the time I think that's what was hot and Nothing makes me happier than that then just like fucking the shittiest Greek kids getting

Rob, though, I do want a fake chain. I got what kind of fake I got I didn't fall. I just got fake Yeezies For thirteen dollars. They're just the bin Yeezies. I'm still sell fake Pokemon cards Hang out at middle schools and stuff. How funny If I got arrested for doing that Like I'm just in in the fucking elementary school Hang out in the bathroom and the police show up and they're like what the fuck are you doing here? I'm like I sell bootleg Pokemon cards. I'm 30 years old. This is the only business. I've ever known in my life Fuck man one time a Chinese lady out haggled me

I bought a fake Gucci backpack and she haggled the shit out of me I ended up paying like $50 for it and it was like, you know a four cent backpack It's so shitty the stitching's bad the zipper. I remember that Gucci. I still have it. I'll still rock you to wear sometimes Yeah, I love the Gucci backpack. I just I wish I would have it's koojee a real. I mean it is a real brand Yeah, yes, it is koojee's like it's supposed to be like Gucci It's it's black Gucci. Yeah, they just changed the letters around. It's like Kobe televisions Boxes, yeah, yeah, where's this Sony logo? Yeah, it's Kobe. Yeah That's great too because it has the Kobe Bryant fucking undertones as well. Yeah

And so be life water you guys ever fuck with that shit Yeah, I used to get I used to get cases of So be adrenaline from shoppers food warehouse. He's just game No, I would stay up on IRC all night. Hell. Yeah, dude Internet relay chat folks. What is that? It's like it's like, you know, Slack Yeah, Slack is like very similar to what IRC was like early slack Well IRC is like the oldest chat platform. It came out before for aim before even the worldwide web What? So yeah, I think IRC came out like 1988. So what what part of your life are you using all this IRC shit?

You're like 11 or some shit. Yeah in between. I mean even younger than that probably like nine I mean, that's why I am the way I am The first time I saw goat see I was probably like nine or ten years old Really? I remember like turning the computer off and I like felt sick or whatever Yeah, I wanted to tell my parents and then and then like two weeks later. You're just sending goat see to people This is hilarious This is fucking hilarious

Imagine how much different your life is if your dad comes in and counsels you in that moment and it's like it's all right So you have to stop doing this You're like a fucking loan officer at a bank it happened my friend Brendan he had goat see on his computer because he was So in the old Internet Explorer like Internet Explorer 5 or whatever like, you know 10 15 years ago if you highlighted an image The way it highlighted an image was every other pixel on the image. It would shift It would like to put a blue tint right on the image. Yes. Yes, so you could take an image and bring it into Photoshop and then figure out

How like what makes you know, whatever shift every other pixel is right you can counteract that A certain way or adjust it the quality of the image that it like Transforms whenever every other pixel has it so he would he created this image where if you like Highlighted it looked like it just a blur, but if you highlighted it it became goat see Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was cool. Wow. Very good. Yeah, so he had goat see on his computer And he was like working on that or whatever And his dad his dad went on his computer and found goat see and then they like asked him at dinner. They'd like sit him down He's like looked all sick and he was like are you gay? Yeah, I

Told the story before that happened to me too. My mom found meat spin on my computer Did I tell you to tell you that? Oh, yeah, my mom was like crying. She's like, do you like checking off the boys? Cuz I put the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, I went on your computer and I saw something I'm like, what the fuck did you see on my computer? And then she was like it was like a dick going into an ass and then the other dick was spinning around I was like, oh meat spin I was like, no, you just send that to people. It's like a you know, it's like a greeting card fun Yeah, it's like a fun little trick to play on your friends. Yeah, I'm current. I got unbanned from Facebook

For how long six hours? I know I had a I had a 30-day ban And then the ban was lifted you I posted there was like an article that was like, you know Saying Bernie would have won his victim blaming or whatever, right? And then the article it was like white men You need to shut the fuck up right now It's time for white men to shut the fuck up and the fuck you and if you're fucking white man Fucking because seriously, it's just I need literally shaking right now to cry Because you don't understand what it's like to shut the fuck up, you know, like one of those articles and I was like, yeah, I guess

Great argument for why women should be able to vote I said something like that or you know, or kill all white women or something or kill all white women Yeah, but kill all white women. It's obviously it's like satirical I mean, right kill all men on there all day long and I'm not even like coming from a place complaining about like a double standard or whatever But it's like, I'm not even saying kill white women satirically. I'm making fun of the like You know, I don't know Whatever, but you know fine. They want to ban me they ban me But then I got back on and I was posting that video at this TV so nice that you can see

Christopher Lambert's balls in Fortress I've seen Fortress probably 30 times prior to really. Yeah, never once noticed Christopher Lambert's Fully exposed so you think he's fucking or it's just dicks out I think he insists I think that weird Belgian piece of shit like insisted on being able to actually fuck, you know in the movie Yeah, so you think that was him fucking? I think that was I think that was Christopher Lambert fuck I mean why you know, what are they gonna like he's like just make sure everyone can see my balls But then we're gonna figure out a way where my dick is like taped to my leg or something. I'd be sitting on top of his dick

Like on why would they do that? Just you because you haven't seen that in porn sometime like fake porn I don't know like you watch on this weird fucking porn for middle schoolers You don't watch adult porn Sometimes I like to check out a vid where you know, we've got a new fresh face in the industry She doesn't want to do hardcore so she'll do who fake. I don't know man. I'm on X videos I'm scrolling you can get soft core porn online. I thought you could only get that on TV No, you can get soft core. Check this out, dude I added Cinemax to Amazon Prime so I can there's soft core on there. You want to put it on no

We're doing the pop. I don't how how crazy is it that they still do that? That's playboy still a boy doesn't even do porn. They don't they don't show boobs anymore Yeah, so Cinemax is like yeah, we got pornography and the Nick It's a good show. Yeah, it is a good show Apparently got this other one quarry that's supposed to be real. Really? Yeah Fuck man, but I'm sorry you got bent for showing balls, dude Yeah, I know which but you know in the guidelines it says you're not allowed to show nudity unless it's for like satirical or humorous purposes And it's like did you think I was like seriously posting Christopher Lambert's balls?

Wait, you're allowed to do it for satirical? That's what it said. I don't know someone's got a bone to pick with me at Facebook or You know online is again people just fucking hate me Do you think someone's so someone just someone's reporting me? Obviously. Yeah, someone's constantly fucking reporting my shit or whatever Which is like, you know, I don't fucking with the exception of like Seth. I don't like go after people I don't I really don't fucking I really don't fucking harass people. I think that's like mean and shitty to harass specific people I might be critical of like a couple like, you know, a couple of people that have like prominent media careers or whatever But it's not like I'm like saying go harass these people or whatever, right? And still it's just you know people get literal fucking jokes that they're getting mad at yeah

That is so far like exactly what what non-joking purpose do you post balls for like it's fucking Unbelievable. Well, even that like even when like arguments come up or people want to fucking, you know I'm not even like one of the people getting in the heated arguments about you know shit the pisses people off Yeah, you know, I don't I don't argue with people I'll be on my jokes about it jokes that like reflect my opinion or whatever sometimes not even but you know I probably got to shut this guy down. Yeah, I get him kicked offline. I just I just want to have a good time online with my friends I still have Twitter. You'll be able to show balls on Twitter. So I have a good time online with my friends like I used to Dude, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. There's Zuckerberg stripped you of that. It's everybody. So it's permanent been

They want me to upload a picture of my ID to get my account back and I'm like, I'm not giving you that information Why I don't know so they can send you to jail. Yeah, probably That'd be so funny in Facebook just what the Facebook police comes knocks on this door Whatever Facebook is washed, dude Yeah, I don't I don't do it anymore. Yeah to Facebook, dude. No a lot of oh, I think you like My mom and dad are on it. So I can't I can't be a monster like I can Fucking just like posting Greek pirated like whole movies. Oh, that's My mom's just like watching Greek soap operas with her friends. That's what Facebook is

It's for old people have fun with their friends online. Yeah, they have a blast Well, I'm old now. I guess I would love to just not be on so I would love to just not have to be on the internet Mm-hmm. Unfortunately. I've completely destroyed any ability for me to ever have any kind of normal job Just absolutely No way ever that I'll ever be able to do anything other than be a piece of shit on the internet Yeah, the quickest background Just like and I see I'm just auto-completes into everything you've ever fucking done. Yeah, Nick Mullen n-word Nick Mullen racism Yeah

Nick Mullen Hillary victim blame I go back dude. I'm about to go back be a square dude. I couldn't go back. Yeah, you really can't I mean The goal is hopefully, you know figure out what comedy and shit to make enough money to invest and then live off You know your sure and money. Yeah, people will find a way to take that away from you, too I can't quit wait to quit my my day job and and just be able to dress like a boy all the time You know, yeah, you know, I'm about to start wearing fucking suit I'm I am sort of a little worried though that like not being able to having to go to work every day and take a shower in the morning And stuff. Oh, yeah, I just watched like if I don't have that then like I'm not gonna bathe

Yeah, I mean, I I don't the job the day job. I do have that I'll continue to do and yeah They won't let me do it anymore. I don't have to fucking shower bathe or do anything That's the best part about being one of those truck PAs is like They don't like it's like almost like a relief when they find out you're not trying to work your way up Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you're just like, you know, I just want to pay my fucking rent. Yeah. Yeah, like Like boot boy. I Remember. Oh, yeah, boot boys bad our old our old pal boot. Yeah, boot boy was trying to work his way up Of course, he was already here. It already works his way up that last job. I worked with you Nick texts me like

He's like, I'm coming to pick you up But they said dress like you want a future in the film industry Yeah, I remember when I was working. Yeah, but I don't and that's why they're like dress for the job You have or job you want not the one you have and it's like, yeah, I don't even want this job Yeah, I want to have I want to pay my fucking rent and be able to eat food. So the job I want is no job at all. Mm-hmm. So I dress the job I want That's why I wear a full football uniform wherever I go. Yeah That's cool

It's just going into work looking like a train conductor. Yeah, that's striped Oshkosh That's my favorite part of soprano my favorite one of my favorite little details is that Bobby Bacala is a train guy Yeah, so good. Oh the fucking hat. Yeah, I should rewatch the soprano still dude. I'm gonna see six right now It's I did it's it's the best show. Maybe I'll do that Maybe that'll be my Christmas Hanukah treat to myself is to sit in front of my TV and just not move for Probably two and a half weeks. Just really start thinking about my life and how I'm almost 30 and Listen, how even though I I'm starting to have success. I just feel fucking worse That'd be my nice present to myself. You were you were uh, you were happier, uh, maybe three months ago when you had

Little to no success. You know when that happiest I was in my life back when I when I got back to DC You're homeless drunk all the time. Yeah. Yeah, everything was fucked. Yeah, that was the best time of my life There was no limits. I was fat as shit. I was unhappy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah It was like sleeping in my car most of the time and like fuck there was one I was in a failing relationship I was clearly cheating The guy she's traveling the world with Yeah, I could show you I remember being the the National Arboretum one day and it was like Yeah, and it was like fucking

The Arboretum It's good. It's like the middle of winter. So everything was fucking dead. There was nothing to see I was just walking around. It was cold and I was extremely hungover and I was like, this is the best day of my life I had literally nothing to live for yeah, man. Let's get how I mean like what How do people how are you? Are people successful? I don't get it. What do you mean? But it makes me so whenever things are like fine, then it makes me feel worse Well, it's cuz you have a fucking brain disease. It doesn't let you if your dream is like To write for

SNL, you know, whatever yeah, I feel like within the first week if that was my dream within the first week It would just be my shitty job that I don't give a fuck about yeah, you know, yeah, I'd like get there and then I'd be Yeah, that's what happens. Yeah, that's what happens every step of the way you have all these dreams Even if you even if you sell your own show Mm-hmm. It's not gonna be as funny as you want it to be Oh, yeah, and they're gonna take they're gonna take it from you You know, even if they don't take it from you, you're never going to be as funny as you want to be right Because the shit that you like and you'll never be as good as the shit that you like

I respect that Woody Allen thing of not he he doesn't watch any of the movies. Yeah, any of the seven thousand That's actually that's Woody Harrelson. Oh, yeah He hasn't watched Kingpin one time. It's good movie. He should watch it. It's very funny dude. We I watched in decent proposal Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, we see a holy shit What a fucking hilarious movie. Yeah, it's really fun. It's the cucking movie. Yeah Yeah, it's about it should just be called the cuckmaster Starring Robert Redford is the man who's best at cucking

He fuck it and he's like, let me fuck your wife for a million dollars. He's like absolutely not No way are you gonna fuck my wife? No way are you gonna do it? And then she's like, I don't know. Maybe I can he's like Well, if that's what you want Honey, if that's if that's what you want, but you better not like it or whatever So then you know exactly fuck she has to fuck Robert Redford to save their house, right? So she fucks Robert Redford and while they're like off fucking Woody Harrelson is like just imagining them fucking and he's like Like running after the helicopter He's just getting his dick. So he's just like halfway down this guy's wife's throat. He's like, come back to me. I

Still love you And then he's also full full penetration It's like and then you know There's like this fucking dramatic music playing and you're supposed to have all this empathy for this guy Who's like as if the worst thing in the world is that your wife is being you know Violated by another man's dick and it's like so fucked up like if you really loved your wife, you wouldn't care You know, you wouldn't care that much. No extent where she's like ruined now in your head If it's like a consensual thing, it's like yeah, it's kind of shitty, but it's a fucking million dollars

I don't want to know that some guys fucking my life, you know See her off and be like all right honey Go have fun sucking off Robert Redford for the night. I honestly do it. I wouldn't fucking care Maybe maybe this is a new masculinity thing, but if I really don't care if I'm seeing someone if they want to fuck Yeah, I don't really I don't really care. Yeah, I don't fucking either. Yeah You don't care if they're fucking someone if they want if they want to yeah, I don't I really could not give two shits Stop that's what I say to that. No, I would I don't want my girlfriend to fuck people. That's my stance in general Well, you're an alpha. I am your real man's

Oh But you're like you're like you're not an alpha though Yeah, you're like a guy that doesn't fuck a lot and you have like a complex about it And that's why you have a problem. I'm idea of your fictional girlfriend fucking somebody else No, I'm a girlfriend that you can't have I'm pretty sure I'm alpha. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm an alpha and if anybody tries to fuck my my fix I'll fuck them up and then fuck their girl. He's a type alpha male type 2 diabetes Yeah, I got an alpha diabetes. Yeah, I got that good the stuff fucking Tony Sopranos got. Yeah

That's the kind of diabetes I got dude I've been watching so much Sopranos that I've just been yelling at people for no, like I've been think you forget his blood type is Oh, oh juice Oh, jeew It's fresh, but yeah, yeah, yeah, oh jeew. Yeah, it's in said I like type O blood. Yeah Yeah No, it's not too much of a stress give me a minute. I can do a bad one. I keep talking. I'll think about right Yeah, it's yeah, I want when you watch Sopranos. You're just like you flip the fall like some cocksucker, dude

I was I text you guys about it. I went to some I went I was supposed to some some guy just messaged me at Like on Facebook and booked me for a show and it was a bringer and I was like dude I'm not doing a bringer when like I'm just not bringing anybody to do show and I get there and he's like He's like, how about how about this blood type mayo positive? Yeah It was just a pronunciation. I don't have never said that word and you know what the only time I've ever had it Is it Arby's right? Yeah with the dip sandwich. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I've never been I've never eaten Arby's in my life It's good. It's good Arby's is very under much better than people think Why is that the go-to joke?

The Simpsons joke when they're on the fucking retards. I'm so hungry. I could eat at Arby's And everyone's like wow. Yeah, that became like the fucking yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What's the worst fast food place? Jack in the box. They're all very good. Jack in the box is pretty good. Yeah, I've never been a jack-in-the-box I don't know man. I honestly Jack box is gonna be a hot take but it's just because like they are all pretty good But I think Burger King is probably the worst. I had I was saying I had with you there I had a great Burger King the other day. I'm sure experience. Everyone was nice. No, they treated me right. People like their fries I don't think their fries are particularly good Roy Rogers has the best fries

Roy Rogers Saved by how about this? This is an idea for a restaurant, right? It's uh, it's like Roy Rogers same setup But you go in you're like can I get a chicken bacon sandwich and then the cashier will go? Maybe I had one where it's like you go you go in and you ask for a sandwich and the guy at the registers like He wins last comic standing, but he's not very funny and that's called Joe Coy Rogers He's from Vegas. It's a better comic than you are. So dude

I'm nice. It's a better comic than everybody in this room. Is he did he have like Joe Coy? Yeah, that's your stances I think he's correct. Does he have eyebrows? I don't think yes. Oh, wait. No, is that what am I thinking of Joe Coy? Am I thinking who's the other Joe Coy lost his eyebrows to Ursula to become a good comic? That's how it works. She cast a spell to make him the world's best Filipino comic, but he had to lose all his body Damn, dude. Someone I was thinking a dad fan. My mom. He didn't even know Yeah, I don't know. I Didn't know Joe Coy was on last comic. No, I was the a dad fan

Joe Coy is like a Chelsea hand blur crew squad man that that that fan thing where it's like Patrice O'Neill and On tough crowd where he just bullies and merciless. It's so fucking good that fan that fan Yeah What was I gonna say? Oh, I was in Vegas. Actually the reason I know Joe Coy's is from Vegas My mom's like your hair looks like shit go get a haircut So I went to my mom's hairdresser and she was like, oh, yeah, I cut Joe Coy's hair. I was like, he's bald You're clearly lying

I love when people think they met a celebrity and it's clearly not yeah I was talking about the the wild boys one time right with this guy I love this girl in Texas That was a great hangout with and she this girl just you know, she's like 24 love drinking was a good musician or whatever Mm-hmm, and she was like, yeah, I was actually like hanging out with the wild boys the other night They're like, you know, we all went to the jacuzzi together. It was like pretty cool And I was like you met fucking Sevo and Chris Bonnie us and she was like, no, I was the other ones I was like, so you didn't meet the wild boy. This bitch just got dp'd by

You fucking guys with long hair. We told her that they were the wild boys She saw some guy getting his rack his dick bitten by a raccoon. He's like, no, I'm a wild boy Yeah, and then they used to get a good lie, which I don't endorse this You shouldn't you shouldn't lie to pick you don't lie ever You that's part of your autism, right? I I'm just not good at it Well, you you like tell truths with that when you shouldn't tell them I guess I don't know that rather I don't know if that means that I'm not a liar so much as it means. I'm just fucking rude and I don't But yeah, that's like that's it when people are like remember people you say brutal honesty. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah, that's just you're just rude being a dickhead Cunt yeah Make very boring cliched observations about the government is actually bad Yeah, that's brutal honesty. It's brutal. It's like a metal guitar if that was like a very myspace comedy bio Oh, yeah, sort of thing. Yeah. Oh, we should find we should name we should search brutal honesty Is there any way to go through bios? How many how many times brutal honesty comes up? Who's the big myspace comedy guy Dane Cook? Dane. No, it wasn't Dane Cook. It was fucking Steve Hofstadter

Was he? Yeah, no, it was Steve Hofstadter. First of all, is he a con man? You guys weren't on myspace comedy I was I wasn't doing so. I was for the last years. I was for the last gasp of yeah No, it was Hofstadter. You would go to like the rankings and he was number one You know who the fuck is Steve Hofstadter? Yeah, he was the guy that like gamed it somehow He was way up the rankings and then after him it was Mencia. Mencia was number two Oh, people forget how popular Carlos Mencia was. But Dane Cook did fuck around big time off of myspace No, what made Dane Cook big was his mom died and he got like an insurance life insurance settlement and he spent the $40,000 like having like paying like a web guide to make him a fully featured website with like forums and chat rooms

Yeah, and he built an audience like online Interesting so he'd go do a show and he'd be like hey, you know sign up for my forum or whatever But he was one of the first comics to have like a big online You know sort of thing which is like it's crazy now that this is 10 years later and comics still don't understand that That's so much more important than anything else right right no one is going to fucking hand you a career in comedy anymore Yeah, yeah, or go to an open mic and discover you right. Yeah. No, that's not gonna happen We're even a bar what you I mean you should still do open mics and sure sure like your your goal in doing that should be to meet Somebody that's better than you that's gonna bring you on the road with them. You know just get better

Yeah, cuz you really I mean you're not I don't think New York really makes you as much You know it helps you grow as much as working the road does I mean of course comparing the two Yeah, I think I learned a lot more about stand-ups by being a road feature Yeah, you know well then you do like what like ten sets a weekend, you know No, not that no you do six six six or seven at most you're doing 20 between 20 and 30 minutes. Yeah, there's a lot of 30 minute spots Yeah, you're talking about you know six hours of us each time. That's invaluable. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, and you can try and fuck That's why stop shit is popping right now. Yeah, but I mean the most important thing is like cuz Comedy stand-up comedy the art of comedy like what your goal should be isn't like writing good

I mean obviously try to write good bits, right? Mm-hmm, you know, but the goal isn't to like have just a good joke here Good joke there the the art like what you should be trying to create is the hour The hour is what makes something because like good comedy, you know, you're gonna release an album It's gonna be an hour long if you ever have any kind of special You should aim for like an hour long special Right and the only way to write good hours and have cuz I really don't think anything under an hour It really feels like you did anything, you know, like maybe you can be funny But like how do you get a sense of some who a comic is mm-hmm without the fucking hour?

Well, that's what that's what creates like the personality, you know and the character You might be able to do something in a half hour, but I know what you're saying It's the full the full yeah effect and the full arc Well the half hour is also dampened because it's mostly the feature spot and the features the most forgettable Right person on the show, right? Um, so like if you you get Conan, that's five minutes. Yeah, you get presents. That's 20 minutes 22 minutes 22 minutes But you have to do a half hour. I think it's edited Yeah, you can do even more than that, but yeah, they have to edit and then edit it for commercials and shit

Damn the real getting to an hour. You have to be on TV like a million. Yeah to work clubs But here's what here's what you do. You start a cum podcast You try to get an audience of like, you know a hundred thousand people and then you just book your own fucking tour Yeah, you know 2017 folks. Yeah, we're gonna do that for that tour. We're also gonna do the Christmas album sometime this week before Christmas Should we do it right after this? No, you know, and it's honestly, it's like you have to use a computer I've looked into it. There's there's not gonna be any way that we can actually do this We can do it. I'm telling you right now. We cannot. I don't have the shit

You need to have playback. I need playback for the for the background tracks I'm gonna need to auto-tune it because none of us can sing. No, it's funnier that way Come come come come. I have like it doesn't and you know, it's gonna sound like it's gonna sound like people doing a podcast Over fucking like an instrumental track. It won't sound right. What do you want it to sound like Whitney Houston? It's not gonna sound it's gonna sound I wanted to sound no I wanted to at least sound not like, you know disjointed and fucking Jonah could do this for us I don't want to do it. I want to do it my fucking self This is this is Nick in a in a nutshell here. We're not let's stop examining me

My personality just trust we have resources at our disposal. Whatever. We don't have to get in Jonah's Jonah was in a famous band. He was the Rolling Stones. Yeah, really? Yeah, he was Keith Richards in the Rolling Stones. Jonah Richards Yeah, Jenna Richards You know rolling stones are still making music like who the fuck Give me all my fucking cookies. I'll give you some of mine. You're better. I've been counting actually the rolling the Rolling Stones Oh three Browns the good one. Yeah, he had three Browns the best about that gelt. I gave you the other night Three gelt and I gave him to a girl. I really did

Nick and I were a Socialism party. Oh, man. I'm so jealous. I missed that and then I gave him I gave a girl Why why you guys fucking e-commies? What do you mean? Yeah, first of all, you wouldn't have yeah, huh, dude. No, you fucking alpha I go in there. They smell my phone. No, you look like you look like immediately. They want you look like that the caricatures of the fat cats no No, I'm a union guy. No, I'm a union guy. I'm a strong worker cartoon. All you're missing is a monopoly man I'm the blue collar boy, dude picket boy

I'm a blue collar alpha male and I go I go in there I fuck in all the proletariat whores want to suck me off left and right yeah, because they feel that I come from There's a there's a Bruce Springsteen song about stave about how he missed McDonald's breakfast It's on Nebraska. Yeah Well, I miss breakfast this morning and that's all right Because there's gonna be breakfast tomorrow Yeah, dude. I'm the boss exactly type two diabetes I have to wear sweatpants cuz Levi's doesn't make anything in size 112 waist

Dude, I honestly don't appreciate how you're coming at me right now as an alpha and I'm gonna let you know I'm gonna knock you the fuck out if you're a fucking if my if my mouth if your words my fucking name My name of your mouth. I'm gonna knock you out Do you ever place if you place my my name? Don't you ever put every inch of my name? If you just slide my name into your mouth, we keep your name slid slidden in and outside of your mouth Within the confines of your lips if my name ever shall pass Do not do not That's like sir. Are you still threatening me?

if you ever Insert my name with your soft supple lips if you ever suck my name off You're a slobbering you have a slob on my name on my name. I'm not your ass Why don't you keep your name out my ass Keep naming my name I have something for you. Look at me right now. What's my ass's name? Fuck me the ass. I'm a closet at home. The first time I was told that by we know who said that to me Keep my name out your mouth Voldemort. I Had I wasn't really sure what he was saying. Yeah, I was pretty confused. I was like

It is funny I heard I heard you had my name in your mouth. That's like a that's like the kind of thing that like Martin would say to Tommy Well, my name out of your mouth Tommy those those Those individuals are from similar. Martin was such a dick to his friends Where the fuck did Tommy and Cole hang out with Martin? That's true. Just like criticize him for being dumb and bald and it's like Martin. You're shorter than him Well, Martin was not a particularly a six set. He's like a like a fucking no He was like a public radio shithead. Oh, I thought he had the juice wait Martin was on NPR No in the show Martin. He was like a like a he's like a local DJ or some shit

Yeah, but that's big time in a fuck like in deep local local DJ isn't Martin in Detroit. I don't fuck DC I feel bad now. I know that like establishing shots are probably in New York In my head. I always saw Martin was in New York, but I wouldn't be surprised if that was wrong I think it is Detroit. I think it is Detroit But he's from DC but dude a local radio DJ. They got the juice. Yeah, pork chop 92 Q pork chop fucks and balls Well, Tommy was a nuclear engineer I thought Tommy was a drug dealer. Isn't that what everyone says because he never had a job? Yeah, they're like, yeah, you don't shut up Tom or is a nuclear engineer. I'd like to think highly of Tommy and not just assume that a black man without a visible job is

Selling drugs. Maybe he has some kind of DoD clearance and he can't talk about it. Yeah, he was a very dapper man You know the style that Tommy wore a lot was like the NBA coach like late 90s Which was the the like t-shirt under the under the suit under the suit and a t-shirt with a very thin chain thin chain Yeah, but like but the t-shirt was nice like the collar was thicker than a usual. Exactly. That's how I'm trying to be 2017 yeah, yeah, we need to make some we need to make our style board for 2017. It's true I mean our initial goal for this podcast. We still have not accomplished what it was which was matching adidas tracks That's true, you know, and it's what New Year's is I mean they got yellow and red at Macy's now A fucking we can be catch up and mustard

Yeah, I'm engraved too or is that or stitched with broidered embroidered engraved You guys you can't you can't we can't get them embroidered until you come up with a local name for your union because you got to have that on The back six nine six nine sure four twenty we could get beat up though for like being fake for stealing union I want you to say capo on it Yeah, I want I'm in the mafia now. I wanted to say capo Um, what's bought don is capo what capo some capo regime a couple regime capo regime is is I think on yeah, and capo is a general right a capo is a captain

No capo regime is the capo regime is the top one. That's the boss dude. No, that's the dawn It's dawn capo regime cap. No, yeah capo regime in the country. No, no, no, I I was looking at this the other time. We don't care anymore. So It's it's the side because he has a direct line to the to the body to the bush Yeah, it's capo anyway, I'm gonna be capo First of all, I can't wait to be in the mafia dude. I'm gonna change Yo, you got I mean you don't need to change much up just uh, just like kill someone killing people and stuff It seems tough murdering someone seems like a hard bridge to cross

I was reading about the spreados the other day a David Chase like found out how much like the head of a crime family in North Jersey makes and like Wanted Tony's character to make that much and like so that's how he wrote the show He didn't make that much money. I think he made like one and a half million to two million dollars. He made way more than that That's that's what he said really. Yeah, yeah, and and I'm surprised wanted that much money From like what so many people had to die stealing garbage truck contract I thought you were about to say that he makes like like a hundred and fifty thousand dollars No, yeah, that house in North car Caldwell. It's a nice house. He was buying. Yeah, but you can have a mortgage on that

That's why there's no more. You said it's a cash deal Pee-Kee-Eesh No, no, I I think they said it was like two and a half million dollars. Okay. That's not that much But for a boss. Yeah, yeah for and also for like a fucking body count of maybe a hundred fifty two hundred people a year It's also funny how one guy today how much money it's such a waste of time It's also I love how they'll just kill people in broad daylight and it's just like just walk away. Yeah I'll tell you deal with that. That's fucking insane I was talking with my friend about it

But like what it comes down to I think with these with the mafia guys is like I think that they do all these crimes and like they kill people and they like run all these rackets Because most of their day isn't spent doing crimes most of their day is hanging out in the back of a strip club or a porn Time it's just to have a clubhouse with your friends. Absolutely. You have to kill you have to kill it so they could be So it's like a podcast. Yeah, it's like a podcast. Yeah, the mafia's we're basically in the middle of the art I'm like sitting here next to merchandise Am I shitty?

Trash everywhere. It's an expensive merchandise We really do live like mobsters boys. Yeah, kind of I mean I got a fucking Vitamix. Yeah, I bought a couple Big I got a giant TV. I was questioned by the FBI last year Everybody's trying to fuck with me on social media. Yeah. Oh, also a lot of people are asking on Twitter this week about me not getting paid by The show it's true. I don't get paid by the show I'm just That doesn't for the love that I can be here Nick saying that it's kind of an internship We could reexamine 2017 is are you gonna say that on the show that we could reexamine?

My status. Well, you're you get you got free agent status this year What do you mean free agent if another podcast wants to sweep you up? I mean sign you. Yeah No, no prior to this you run a contract. I got Zero dollar contract, but you couldn't bring your deal, but You know you said there was a bonus for laughs, but I haven't I haven't you haven't had one joke go over yet Yeah, the entire time. Yeah, I haven't said one. You haven't said one joke that went over when I said free agent I meant free as in we don't pay any money Oh, yeah agent is also just another word for Jew. I don't know. Yeah, it's just a synonym. Maybe I get picked up by a juror

Accountant Well, you know, I'm not a very good Jew if I'm not making any money. That's right With a good Jew they would outdo us without negotiators dude a good Jew would be getting all the money Well over here like absolutely great if we wrote a sketch and then we go into Adam's apartment in the sketch And it's just filled with menorah Just to the brim. Oh What's up guys The closet's yarmulke's is just nothing but fucking yarmulke's come out. Yeah in Greek like Stav's house is just a bathroom

Just a big bathtub filled with little boys It's a bathtub with 35 boys in it. Hell yeah, dude As long as you're feeding me grapes, dude. Yeah, well Greeks colors or the bathroom colors blue and white They love the bathroom. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Is that bathroom colors? Yeah. Yeah, they look at the koala care station Yeah, it's just like Greek flag basically koala also a Greek animal. Mm-hmm. It's true. Not Australia. What's right? What's Australia? No, I said koalas are not Australian the Greeks brought them there. What's Australia, okay? So there's Okay, South of East Asia. There's like this island, right? But it's so fucking big that it's a country thinks he's so smart

You've heard of Australia Yeah, tell us about Asia you're saying shit like Southeast. Yeah, we didn't ask you about directions I'm just saying imagine Fucking continent imagine Continent no Every time there's an island Meeting someone that legitimately didn't know Australia and how excited he would be to tell them that he knows about Australia Well, first of all, I would adjust my plan. He'd be standing at that bus stop for four and a half days

Be like, yeah, no, it's got a pouch No, it is actually you throw it right baby comes out and crawls its way into the pouch Yeah, okay, so England at a certain point. Yeah took all of their whores and criminals, right? And then they sent them down to this island sounds like my kind of place. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they got whores over there Yeah, yeah, it was like a it was like a that's why the Dundalk accent is so similar to It's true because they are the descendants Dan under you should be done done. Don't Then down down under there you go. Well on dog on dog. Dundalk was actually founded by a group It was weird would it be if there was just for some reason from Australia for some reason indigenous

Marsupials in Dundalk, but they just also had kangaroos and shit for some reason Like yeah, I like them because it you know, they look like me They're very bottom-heavy From all the fried chicken You know, they eat nothing but chicken boxes. So they got a they're very bottom. They got your pouch. I got a pouch It's the front of my fucking Jinko cut off Got a big pocket. Oh My god, yo, you know a lot of shit yo. Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah outback steakhouse

I've been seeing New York girls wearing Jinkos recently. Oh really? Yeah, they're like kind of coming back I'm stoked for the Jinko shorts where it's like it could be pants, but then it's just comes up right above the ankle I was never a Jinko boy. I was told those are called boyfriend style jeans Oh boy boy friends. Yeah way that way that boy friends in corn wait We did not have your your pants past the Bechdel desk you fucking bitch You idiot you fucking idiot dare those motherfuckers, dude. Yeah, you should be ashamed of yourself wearing boyfriend pants Why don't you wear? You know proud proud media job female pants. Absolutely. You know, yeah, woman is your own fucking rent by blogging pants

Yeah, that's a woman I could respect You know, it's always really funny to me is when a girl makes calls her boyfriend her her partner I love that. Yeah, just sit there like well, we're from Texas. It's cool This is my life partner. I'm not gay. We're cowboys I Always like to imagine that when I saw my gay people are like, yeah, this is my life partner. I'm like, oh, you're from Texas You guys are both from Texas with the job You ever being gay

Oh me and my friend you're gonna be from Texas all night Yeah, they redecorated they're wearing all silver and turquoise jewelry, man I put on I don't know how they do it in Texas. I put on breakfast at Tiffany's the other night. Oh, yeah, holy shit Mickey runes. I can't it was so good. We watch that There's videos if going over to like entertain the troops in World War two and he would just do that He would just go over hell. Yeah, entertain the troops in World War two and act like a bumbling fucking Japanese guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, we had to change it for the troops. Yeah, it was a really subtle change

You had to work really hard to change it from Chinese Man used to have be able to have such a killer career beloved entertainer. Did you see no problem? There was this interview is worse than him Andy Rooney Anybody the guy from 60 minutes. Yeah, but he's that's his brother. No, no Also a racist Irish piece of shit. Oh, yeah He's a racist and the fact that the fact that Andy Rooney had a career and all he did was you know, be like I go to the bodega and I buy a cookie and it comes wrapped and I don't understand that I don't want to unwrap the cookie. I want to eat it. Why is it coming in a wrapper and people are like, this is hilarious

Wait, people thought it was funny. That's why he was a humorous humorous humorous Yeah, he was there and fucking laugh at that Wow, yeah, that is worse than racism alphabet has too many letters. Yeah, just complain it You know, I think was really bad really grind my gears the family guy thing. Yeah, it's grind my gears Yeah, you know, I think was really bad Jerry Lewis Yeah, everyone's like, yeah, he's a fucking yeah, he just like he would act like a retarded person Yeah, he was just a vine star. Yeah, we're fine. So you come out on stage and fucking

You know Dean Martin would stand there and smile and then Jerry Lewis would like cross his eyes and pretend like he was shitting his pants They're gonna be like he's the goofy one and Dean's the guy that's not funny at all So he's funny in comparison because he's acting like a fucking, you know, Mongolo. Yeah, he got a career off of funny faces Yeah, that's why you had to care about kids Kids in the end because he was just making fun of people with disabilities. You know about that Holocaust movie Yeah, he released some of the footage. Well, he said he never would it's gonna come out Hell yeah, because he sold it to the Library of Congress was it? Yeah. Well, here's the thing It's probably isn't even worth watching. Oh, apparently it's a disaster

I know I know it was a disaster and didn't want to release it But I mean, it's you know, every movie Seagal has made part past 1996 has been a fucking disaster Of course and it those are barely watchable even though I'm going in expecting them to be fucking shitty horrendous I don't even I don't think this movie is gonna have any kind of value to it whatsoever in terms of watching it Yeah, something out of it I tried to watch one of those Crispin Glover movies that where he had like it's all just people with mental disabilities Mm-hmm, and it's unbearable and you can't watch it. Yeah, there's no point to it Dude Jerry Lewis, there is an interview this week with him the Hollywood reporter and he was just being a fucking prick

Yeah, the to the interviewer and everyone's like wow, isn't it so cool. He hates interviews And it's like no, he's the funny face guy right being me Well, also apparently he stole that from somebody like there is some guy Yeah, he's over Matata people now. There's some guy who's like thing was being that care that early that like oh, yeah That guy yeah, yeah, and he just I don't remember his name, but yeah, he just stole the only thing I fuck with Jerry Lewis thing I fuck with his King and comedy comedy so good and he's good in it, too Yeah, because he's playing a fucking prick right and he gets to be real. He's a prick. Yeah, you know funny to deniro is When they were making that movie because both deniro and Scorsese embraced method acting

They were would fucking call Jerry Lewis a kike to his face on set Because they're like he's not getting angry enough in this movie. Yeah, so they were like yeah We're just gonna keep calling him a kike and sales and a somatic shit to yeah Holy shit. He also had a different name which is so great because it's probably like he was just sucking and then They said all that and they were like oh, it's to do method overheard

Is because of you know the fucking Meisner method they couldn't work Not racist Italian Because this I mean You know It didn't work together until good fellas Lee Strassberg took 15 years apart They fucking denier and Scorsese after that after it was like too so taxing Lee Strassberg

Have you ever seen him act? No, is he bad? Yeah, not particularly good act He just came up with a good idea in the background and he plays a minor role in And and is it Strasburg Strasburg is a big method guy the method guy. Yeah, I think it's him because there's a couple of them There's Meisner Strasburg And then there's like one other they'd be like the big you know acting coaches, but yeah I think it was Strasburg plays like a an old close. Yeah, an old uncle or something and justice for all Which is a pretty good movie. Well a good movie. Yeah, which by the way is directed by Norman Jewish and who I found out is not Jewish Jewish. Yeah

Of course, I looked at Norman Jewish in yeah, I mean, I just assumed he was Jewish because he's a director Right, you know Hollywood, right? No, it's not Jewish Adam Goldberg. Hebrew hammer. Yeah, not Jewish. What shut? Not Jewish. All right, swear to God. No, you're trolling. I swear to God. He's like half Jewish She's like his dad's Jewish, but he like does not consider himself to be Jewish at all. That face is Jewish, dude I don't know. Yeah His last name is Goldberg. He does that shit. Yeah, but he's not Jewish on a technicality. It's not a guy named Norman Jewish and Does he look Jewish?

I've never seen him. He's like an old man. I always confuse him and at Barry Levinson There lives in his Jewish. Yeah, Baltimore. Yeah, well, it's also shot in Baltimore. Oh, really? I've seen that one. It's pretty good. It's it's Al Pacino as a defense attorney Mm-hmm, and he's trying to see that. I don't know that is good He's trying to get his like trans client off and then she kills herself in prison Right. It's that uh, you're out of your out of order the whole damn systems out of order Right, then he fucks that all those movies from the 70s is like the love interest is like a I'm a business woman

I've got shoulder pads and size negative. I've got triple a breasts and shoulder pads and I'm taller than Al Pacino Professional professional style whether I don't need smoke cigarettes and she's divorced, right? Yeah, I have her being divorced was meant that she was ruined forever, right and I have raccoon style of makeup on yeah I mean being sexy the kid the queen of all of them obviously Glenn Glenn Glenn in fatal attraction Yeah, she looked like she was dragged through a bush. It's crazy. Yeah You know what comes those business women down is some good dick The moral of the story is just a man Dicking them down. Yeah, I was an executive

Your roommate had that business woman vibe who ah yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she's she's gonna be one of those business She is she is she told me how much she's making for her first year at the law firm And I started laughing like not as a bit like just laughing in her face. Yeah. Yeah, she was like yeah So they they raised a opening salary to 30% and I was like so how much you make and I legitimately expect her to be like $65,000. Yeah, she's making like $12,000 and $90,000 I had lunch with my cousin. Yeah, he works in advertising I had lunch like he's a year like a year younger than me

He works in advertising. I had lunch with him and I was like, yeah, it's pretty you know My podcast is making like decent money down. He's like congrats, dude. That's fucking awesome That's fucking the rules dude, and I was like, yeah, you started a new job, right? He's like, yeah, it's pretty good It's like a smaller company. I'm like you but it's like a significant raise, right? He's like, yeah, I'm making pretty good money It's like just shy 200,000 a year. I was like, holy shit, you know It's so much money, and I just feel like a piece of shit, you know and fucking But I like I see my aunt occasionally Yeah, I have like lunch and stuff and she's like always bitching about him like borrowing money for her

Yeah, he's still like hits her up. He's like, can I get like 200 bucks? Wow. Yeah, I don't know I think how's that even possible? Probably just like he's probably just you he makes 200,000 dollars a year He's just a millionaire. He just still takes money from from his mom. He used to getting presents from his mom, dude Yeah, I know we were never put presents. Oh, no I would get toys to bribe me like if I had to get a shot or some shit and I was good And he had to get a lot of shots, dude. I started getting look at him. He's filled with shots I'm actually I weigh 105 pounds, but this is really it's all like so swelling from shot It's all testosterone because I am an alpha

So actually it's estrogen because I have too much testosterone in my system Yeah, I'd be too alpha. I fuck everything. I've got these breasts from having too much testosterone You can make fun of my bitch tits, but it's actually from being strong. It's strong my genitals my genitals are Have shrunk like a raisin Yeah, they basically shriveled up. I've got like what looks like a fucking chewed on a swizzle stick You know, I'm having more my dick used to be and it's from being strong. It's from, you know It's from deadlifts. I deadlifted my way into a and a fuckless dick Into an inoperable fuckless little pigtail dick. I'm gonna get my fucking dick

Do you see those guys that like inject silicone and they just have oh, yeah That's the fucking fun. It doesn't you can't use your you know what your dick looks like ruin you know what those dicks look like It looks like those things that used to sell it like the discovery channel store. It's like a little water It's like water to you. Yeah, yeah, there's one of those guys. Yeah, they did the dick head Fluffs up. It looks like put your finger in the middle. Yeah, the dick looks like somebody took a grand's roll and slammed it against the kitchen counter What's the kink where you like things going in your pee hole sounding sounding? That's what sound off means in the comments Sounding off is when you keep shoving things in your dick. Sound off. Yeah. Oh fuck. I got it I gotta I gotta take a shit, but we're out of time for this episode. Oh, great. Yeah, we're already well

Okay, just sorry guys our show is on Monday the 26th if you're in New York Hang out if we got a really good lineup so far It's just it's this it's the stars really are gonna be shining bright on Monday night to the 26th come on everybody We'll be there Brandon Wardell our our best friend Yeah, it's gonna be a great show come out to that shit bitch Yeah, also watch for me on red eye January 5th or something They tape it on the 5th. I don't know what it'll be on but actually don't actually don't I'm not proud of any of my appearances on that show

I'm kind of like now even more nervous about associating with Fox News Yeah, yeah, especially, you know going on the Gavin and those kind of guys, but we had fun on aunt show I think you know and he's he's a he's a oh, yeah, I got yeah We talked about the the porn star. Yeah, so You know better or worse. Hey, you know what MSNBC won't put me on TV. So Well, Saab is doing Mato actually next week So so Rachel you fucked recently Yeah, give me some pussy and tips Rach. I know you got them secret. Thank you pussy tips

I'm trying to figure those out. Yeah. How you do that shit was your tongue Yeah, it's your tongue going in between all your teeth ish in click take all their fucking bullies and we're out of time All right. All right. Thanks. Bye bros. You