The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - 36

It's the come-town pre-inauguration super special. It is Wednesday, January 35th, 2006. And we are live from the new... What did we replace the Anthony Cumea studio with? The Black Lives Matter. The Black Lives Matter studio. The African Bumbata Memorial. We can eat it again. In the basement of the Empire State Building. In the mail room. We're all the real work gets done.

Absolutely. You know what I'm talking about? Minimum wage, folks. Hell yeah. You got calluses on your hand from opening and filing envelopes. You know? That's like a real Billy Joel. Like a Black Billy Joel experience. The Black Billy Joel. Yeah, who's the Black Billy Joel? Billy Joel, dude. You can't tell me Billy Joel isn't Billy Joel. He has the N-word pass, actually.

He's one of the four. Has he said it publicly? No. Probably. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. One of those old white singer songwriters that writes nothing about like the blue collar white experience wrote a song about being like a poor Black person.

Randy Newman does. Yeah. Yeah. Now, just like a Billy Joel song about if he covered, what was the dynamite, that dynamite hack song? They covered... Oh yeah, Boys in the Hood. Yeah, Boys in the Hood.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's Billy Joel doing it. There's some gay ass piano instrumental. Yeah, I can't even mimic. What's Billy Joel? He has fucking Uptown Girl. Uptown Girl. Well, that's 80's Joel, dude. Uptown Girl. She's never been railed out by a Jew from Long Island.

And now she's getting fucked for the first time. That's what it... By Billy Joel, that's me. I've written myself into this song. Billy Joel doesn't fuck good. Once again, I'm the hero of the song. Billy Joel doesn't fuck good. There's no way Billy Joel fucks good.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why Ugly His Daughter came out. He's literally... I can attest to that. Yeah. The better you fuck the hotter your kids are. Yeah, exactly.

If you fuck well, you get a hot daughter. If not, you get Alexa, whose journey through cutting herself has been well documented in the media. She eats this. That's gonna be awful. She's had such a terrible life. Well, her parents are... Billy Joel's daughter?

Billy Joel's daughter, who's tribute to her through his music, is naming a fucking boat after her. Oh, the Downies. It's like, yeah. His daughter has struggled with her weight. He's like, I'm gonna write a song after you, but you're gonna be the tugboat. That's me. That's the...

No, anytime dinner was ready, you'd just be like, er, er. Dude, you know what's hilarious? Isn't her mom, Christie Brinkley? Yeah. Famous model. She's a shitty... She sings like Christie Brinkley, and she looks like Billy Joel. She inherited Billy Joel's boxing injuries.

Those are her facial features, like cauliflower here. He was a boxer? Yeah, I think so, briefly. Oh, wow. Yeah. How did that get successful, Billy Joel? I like Billy Joel. He's extremely talented.

What are you talking about? What are you listening to? Billy Joel's amazing. I don't know. There's a manager. You're coming from Billy Joel? There's a manager in 1972. He's like, I got an act for you guys, okay?

Earlier than that, dude, Billy Joel's been making music since 1937. Dude, can we start Shark Tank off? Oh, sorry. I left Shark Tank on in the background. I was trying to get... This is what I do as I get business ideas from Shark Tank. I'm gonna be a father-son team trying to get on QVC. Do you guys want to go to Shark Tank?

Can we pitch Come Down to Shark Tank? Yeah, of course. We just basically talk and we say the n-word sometimes. Damon, we'll give you 3% for $500 million. And we make better deals with everyone else. All right, this was just for Damon. Well, it's always the worst ideas to get money on this show. I love that it's a guy that comes on.

He's like, oh, this is basically a new suit and breathing apparatus for firefighters. This is estimated to save millions of lives a year. And they're like, this is the worst idea I've ever heard in my life. Get the fuck out of here. And then the next guy's like, oh, it's fucking, you know, like, googly eyes so you can stick on your refrigerator. And Mark Cuban's like $80 billion for a 10% of the company. You're a genius.

Because all these people make trash. Yeah, it's all dumb shit. The woman just makes... She's QVC. She makes tiny furniture for your jewelry. That's like what she made her riches off of. Mark Cuban has the Mavericks. And he stole money from the internet somehow.

He's a tech, yeah. He's some sort of tech guy. And everyone else, who's that fucking fat Canadian gay guy? The bald guy? Kevin O'Leary, Mr. Wonderful. Yeah, he's a piece of shit. I think he's running for parliament in Canada. Or like he wants to be head of the Conservatives or so.

He makes deals with people. Do the people get Canadian money? Yeah, he gives them loonies. Loonies and loonies. Yeah, fuck Canada. They have cartoon money. Like fucking Looney Tunes money. It's just little pieces of moose horn.

That was good, dude. Thank you. Yeah, now I get it. It's called Loonies and Toonies. And then there's a show called Looney Tunes. That's crazy, dude. That's brilliant joke writing. Bitches mother fucker.

All right, well, I'm going to give you that joke. I'll give you 3% for $12. I just want to go around making shark tank deals all the time. I'm trying on the bus. Weren't we talking about something before shark tank? Nick has an invention. We're talking about Billy Joel. Right, yes.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I do have an idea. Well, my idea, my business idea. But we require licensing shit from DC and I can't do that. No. Yeah, you can't just say, my idea can't be like, oh, Batman stuff. Just use Batman stuff.

Ben, our guest today is Ben. We can't say his last name because he's worried about people finding him. Hello. You can say it. It's fine. Benjamin Franklin. He's in Hezbollah. You can say it.

You can say it. His name's Benjamin Franklin. Ben Dreyfus is here. I thought I had a good reason not to offend you guys. No, it's not actually Ben Dreyfus. No. Who's Ben Dreyfus? He's a piece of shit.

We'll just leave it. Louis Dreyfus. He's, what's his name? Son. Yeah. Oh, Richard Dreyfus. Richard Dreyfus is a son. Yeah.

He's like Slate or something. He's a monster. He's disgusting. You're a celebrity son. Ben O'Brien is the guest. Benny. What's up? Are you uncomfortable with us?

No, no, no. You can say it. I was more, it's just. Not in the SEO. Yeah. It's just like, you know. He's ashamed of the show. I'm ashamed.

I'm not ashamed of the show. He's a diehard comeboy, by the way. My man has been on from day one. I am a real diehard. I often have to close the window as people walk by. That happens to me all the time. But Ben's got his own brand that's predates come town, is very successful. Very funny.

Wham City. Wham City Bros. So we'll just endorse that or plug it. Yeah. That was the first time. That's the live read that I paid for. Yeah. That was $7,000.

They put me on. Yeah. Ben made me have my TV debut. I was on Adult Swim for one second. Oh, yeah. That's right. You and Dan. In the background.

You were a cop. Of a YouTube video. They aired it 4 AM on Adult Swim. I think I gave you the credit. That's stupid. Fat, stupid cops. Everyone else was like cop one, cop two. It should just be a...

No, fat, stupid paramedic. It should be a guy who ate the better time slot. It should be your credit on Adult Swim. You guys... Wait, so you've been on... You were on Adult Swim for two seconds. Have you had any other TV credits? I'm going to be on IFC for actually a good amount of time at late at night.

The incredibly fat channel. No, the is fucking cool channel. A bitch. That's actually what it is. This is the is fucking cool channel. Anyway, so yeah, Benny's here. He's visiting. We're actually going to get a big fat steak after this.

That's right. Oh, where are you going? That's how we peer and luger. We literally are going to peer luger. Really? The burger is good. Can I come? Mid Rezzy's for two, man.

This is me and Ben's thing. Oh, man. All right. So me and Nick are going to go... Next time together, guys. Whatever, dude. We'll do some other cool shit. I don't want to get steaks with you.

Yeah, we're going to the batting cage. We're going to Chelsea Piers after this and we're not fucking inviting you ever. Come on. You never saw me. Because I have a thing with my friend from before? Yeah. That's not fair. It's totally fair.

I want to come to Chelsea Piers. You're not allowed to have friends. We've already talked about this. Yeah, we're the only friends we're allowed to have. We're only allowed to be friends with each other. No one else. That definitely was shit. You didn't teach Ben any of our songs, did you?

Of course not. Okay, good. Actions. You weren't ready? We were watching Band of Brothers last night. We were watching Band of Brothers last night and there's like a scene. You know how Ross plays drill instructor Ross. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Rachel. Easy company. You have to do better. Easy company. Not yous are bad. That's my Ross. Juice, did you kill Nicole? Juice.

Juice. We were on a break. So he fucking... Yeah. There's a scene. We were on a break. We were on a break. We were on a break.

We were on a break. So he fucking, yeah, there's a scene where they're all running up the mountain. He's like, we're running curry again. And they fucking run up the mountain and then they all start singing a song. And then Ross just looks all dejected because he didn't learn the song. All the Army boys learned a song without me. You guys can't learn songs without me. I think I have a fucking...

Has he been anything since... David Schwimmer? Yeah. I think he's like old Hollywood money. He's like a Beverly Hills high school kid. Yeah. Easy. Yeah.

Do you just know fun facts about... David Schwimmer? I don't even... I make... Yeah, do Rachel now. Yeah, what? Adam has a trapper keeper at home filled with pictures of David Schwimmer. It's a Lisa Frank trapper keeper.

And it's... Yeah, I'm crazy for Ross. Oh, yeah. He's getting bullied in middle school for Ross being your favorite character. Yeah. I never watched it. Everyone else is like, Joe is the best. Joe is tight.

He eats and he fucks. I do like Joey for that reason, actually, now that I think about it. My Israeli cousins would always say, Adam, you're such a chandelier. I had no idea what that meant. Chandler sucked, dude. Chandler was so gay. And basically all of them are trash. Chandler was the snarky one.

Joey eats and fucks. Joey's good. He's just dumb. That's his whole character. His character is that he's retarded, right? No, he eats and fucks. He's not retarded. He's Italian.

Oh, yeah. This was before being dumb men you were autistic. This was when you could just be dumb and be laughed at for being dumb. That was when you could be fun and dumb. Now it's a medical condition. You can be dumb and fuck and be cool. What if this guy's shark tank idea is just hot women? Yeah, no.

I would love to see. I would just love the good joke and be like, it's women. You pay to fuck. I've got my cousin and she'll fuck anyone. I think I've got a couple of chippies. I told the story already on the podcast. When I was in community college, I took like a marketing class. And there's these two dudes that were like, basically the idea is it's a 24 hour beer,

weed and cigarettes delivery. And you guys were underage. No, they were probably like 25, which makes it worse. You're 25 years old and you're still like, yeah, weed. You incorporate weed into my homework assignments. Yeah, dude. I love smoking. It's like making a bong in ceramics class trying to get it.

That's actually tight. Did you ever do that? Everybody did that. I didn't do it, but people did it all the time. I never made a bong. I made a g-bong. You ever made a g-bong and get fucked up? Yeah, I get so high.

Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah, let's go. I love making bongs out of fucking trash. That's all g-bongs are. Yeah, you just put an old milk carton in a bathtub. You can use anything, dude. Gatorade bottles. Any Gatorade bottles.

What's the dumbest shit you've ever smoked out of? An Altoid 10 probably. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah, we used to make pipes out of just like, 10s, remember the pens? 10 foil. The 10 foil pipe. The child is basically gentle.

And then it's like, you know, I mean, you fucking, you make dumb shit out of dumb shit, and then you want like, the biggest prizes for your ramen and Doritos. Right, right. You're drinking it with people. That's the energy if you're lucky. You don't meet like kids when you're like in elementary school that smoked. They like smoked way too early. Yeah, those kids are like eight that were smoking.

You're like, what are you doing? What are you talking about? Really? And fucking Montgomery County? One or two. Crazy. Definitely kids that smoke cigarettes. And he smoked with cigarettes.

There were dudes like dropping acid and fucking in like seventh grade at my school. That's a little older. It was Hillbilly, though. It was Hillbilly. Yeah, you went to Hillbilly school, right? There were kids fucking in my seventh grade. I remember hearing about it and just being absolutely shocked. Dude, exactly.

I was in gym. I got a, I got sad and afraid. I remember exactly what happened. I was in gym. We just played basketball. I was feeling good about myself. And there's just like fucking black kids on the side. This one kid has awesome afro and they're literally just like making fun of some girl

because they all fucked her. And they're like, and they're like, oh, shut up, y'all. And I was just like, they're like, yeah, she sucked my dick. And I was like, what the fuck? And I'm like, Eve's dropping like, hey, yo, he listening. They just made fun of me. I was like, huh, I just left in a huff because I was so fucking scared. I remember catching me listening to them fucking talking about fucking.

I remember two kids fucked the summer after sixth grade and I still to this day remember their first and last name, both of them. Say them right now. Did you watch? No. Say them right now. No, I'm not going to say the first name. It was a kid named Elden and a girl named Alicia.

And now their last names? The last, uh, Alicia Keys. Yeah. Elden Baylor. Elden Campbell, the old center for the Los Angeles Lakers. Okay. Yes. Elton Brand.

When I was a kid, I was going through my mom's underwear drawer camera. I was looking for. Oh, I remember the one, the second one, but I found, uh, I found, uh, what I thought was a condom and I freaked out, but it was just like one of those, one of those eggs legs, you know, those like, oh yeah, plastic, but I was such an idiot that I thought how old were you? A condom was like a plastic egg that you melt over here. Like fruit.

I think I was probably seven. Did your mom fuck? Yeah. We found my, my friend's mom's vibrator one time. I don't know why we were going through their shit, but he found his, I was watching him pull the vibrator out of her like nightstand and his mom was so hot. And he was like, what the fuck is this? And he was like, no.

He was like, all right. And we were like, yes. I was in your mom's pussy. Let me smell it. He's like, get out. Everyone get out right now. That is an emergency for a kid with a hot mom. She's like, she's like, Zach, why is there a bunch of saliva all over my vibrator?

Well, my friends were over. Why does it smell like gushers? Yeah. Why is there that candy spray and air in his wrappers? That's such a funny visual, like a bunch of like 12 year olds sucking off like a huge dildo because they're like, it was on your mom's pussy. It's not gay because it touched your mom's pussy. Just giving everyone taking turns sucking it off.

And then they're just sucking each other's spit off of it. I had a manager at a pizza restaurant I worked at. And he told me this story. He was like, when he was in junior high, him and his friend would put socks over each other's dick and then jack each other off. And he's like, it's not gay because there's socks involved. No, that just makes it gay with a foot-fed element. That's so much gayer, actually.

If you do that, if two guys jerk each other off, but they're both thinking about women, that's called parallel sex. What me and my friends do is we get those, those like, those, those sticks that have the dinosaur head on the top that you can make a bite with and then we jerk each other off from a distance. I actually, what I do is I climb into one of those claw machines at Dave and Buster's. You guys have to get the claw right over my dick and pull it up and down. And it's not gay, dude.

Because it's so hard to do. Because it's so difficult. So it's an accomplishment. You remember that thing? Can we get one of those with a fucking pocket pussy on the top and try to jerk each other off? That's actually a minigame in the next Mario Party. I really think you guys should do one where you're around a table and you're all jacking people up while you're trying to have a conversation.

I'm pretty sure that's what Texas Hold'em is. I've never played, but based on the name. No, that's true. You go all in, that's when you just come in everyone else's mouth. Yeah. Do you remember that thing, the stranger, which was like, if you sit on your hands and then you turn someone else's off on the boss? Yeah, you go outside and you find a stranger.

You find a stranger? Yeah. And he fucks you in the ass? If I give him a thumbs up with that numb hand. The thing is, you don't even feel that thumb going up. You don't feel that thumb. I gave him a thumbs up. Did you ever stranger yourself?

No. I could never get it to work. I was just good enough with my imagination to pretend that I would, you know. See, I would just normally go numb anytime I had an erection. I'd start having flashbacks and then I would pass out. No, not emotionally. Yeah. I would go numb.

Regulation. I would black out and then, you know, wake up. You had just such high blood pressure as a kid. The second you got an erection. You just ate Cheetos and Slim Jims? Yeah. Oh, man. Just pulled Tony Soprano.

I one time, after I watched Road Trip, I don't know if I told this story, I put a candle in my ass. Oh, man, you know why that's so funny is because you already look like a pumpkin. You just made yourself a jack-o'-lantern. Yeah, I lit it at the end, just walking around. Whenever there's a blackout, I'm like, I could do this, mom. I know a trick. E-jack-u-lantern-ing.

Yeah. There we go. But yeah. Jack-off-lantern. It just hurt my ass. I didn't like it too much. That's weird that you didn't love it. You got to like the camera.

Why did you do that? Because Stifler put stuff in his ass and he beat it. No, you wanted Stifler to like you. No, I wanted to come. I wanted to come the way Stifler came. I was doing it because I wanted Stifler from Road Trip to like me. No, Stifler came hard as shit in Road Trip. It'd be great if that was like one of those pre-teen epidemics that the local news covered

that it's like, this movie is dangerous. Teens are shoving candles in their asses and the paraffin wax melts and they're getting paraffin poisoning. You know what's funny? I fucking, I didn't even realize how important the movie Road Trip was to me beating off as a young child. The first time I ever beat off, I was thinking about the fat black woman from Road Trip. I think I told this story.

Wait, the, the, she was like a stand-up. What's her name? What? No, not Lunel. Leslie Jones. Yeah. No, just some fat- Stop Jacks-off to Leslie Jones.

No, no, I don't. But I've never seen the only person Stoff's attracted to. The only person I can come thinking about is Leslie Jones. Yeah. Just for screaming. I'm talking, it was a sexy fat black girl from Road Trip. The guy that, the one, the nerd fucks. You remember that?

And like the black fraternity house. I don't remember Road Trip. I love Road Trip. I remember it at all. I beat off to so many parts more than I remember Road Trip. Oh, Road Trip was Tom Green puts the mouse in his mouth. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. There's that Boston Austin confusion.

Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, I remember that movie now. Keep Boston. Because he accidentally makes a tape of him and there's so many tape elements in those movies. Right, right. People are always recording things. Yeah.

It was before you could just text the fucking sex tape. Have you guys seen Freddie Got Fingered recently? No. It's a masterpiece. It was a great movie. It's incredible. It's very good. I really thought that it wasn't, it was going to be one of those movies that I liked when

I was younger that was just retarded when I grew up, you know, get old. Like a lot of movies are like that, but it is, I cannot believe they got money from a studio to make that movie. Yeah, it's really, it's just. I can't believe that they meant like getting fingered was literally getting fingered. When I watched it, I was like, oh, wow. In the window. I mean, it was so stupid.

Freddie gets fucked in his mouth in parentheses by a penis. Yeah. All those comedy movies, they would release a movie and then they would release like the special, unrated edition. Right, right. There was more titties. Yeah, yeah. The director's cut.

There was a lot of, seriously, go back and check out Roach. There's plenty of titties. I would like to see if that, I want to watch the scene that I first beat off to. I want to watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but with 95% more penis. Yeah. A special, unrated director. Jason Segal's got a nice piece. That was when they made comedies like feature, comedy features, like there were like a bunch

that came out every year. I still do that. Nobody just, nobody watches. Just no one watched. Sully dude, that movie was hilarious. Yeah. Do you see that? Yeah.

Ben just so fucking. Ben, can you edit this? Can you take Sully the movie? Yeah. Put in the monster from Monsters Inc. Absolutely. Yeah. Just replace, replace in every scene.

Yeah. Yes. Ben's good at computers. You can do that. We can do that. I mean, you guys are. Yeah. Yeah.

Fucking minority report shit was so funny. I pee my pants. I think about that from time to time. That shit is so. For real. Check out Whim City. They're funny. We added a second ending to it where Robbie added himself into when Harry met Sully.

Just the orgasming scene. And all it does is he just, it just like cuts. It's like a cutaway to him, like looking like confused. And then just keeps cutting back to him. Wait, is he in the restaurants? You shooting cats? Um, or do you? No, no, it's green screen.

He did it really shitty. So good. I always wanted to do like redo that scene, but it's a woman actually trying to fake a realistic orgasm. Yeah. Because she has like the most shampoo commercial orgasm in that fucking scene. Yeah. And he's supposed to be like, wow, I guess they really can fake orgasms.

Right, right, right. There's gotta be grunting and blinking weird. Fuck my ass. That was the bit, I guess. I think we mentioned that on another episode. I think so. You did. I've listened to every episode.

Yeah. Honestly, whenever. Just ask me. Whenever I fucking, whenever I don't know if we talked about something, I go to Ben immediately. Ben is the, maybe one of the foremost cum historians. It's true. It's true.

I remember it all. So there's, fuck, there's a, there's a tweet going around right now. Amber's showing us hate mail. No, no, no. It's the, it's a, it's a nice tweet about cum town. Are we live right now? Guys, please do me a favor. Don't ever mention the podcast on Twitter, even in a positive context.

Cause I'll find a way to feel bad about it. Nah, fuck Nick. Fuck what Nick says. We have to protect Nick's feelings. Yeah. That's the, that's why I do this show. We need to mobilize all of Twitter. This is supposed to be a safe space.

The internet is supposed to be a safe space for me. Yeah. Um, storm front is supposed to be a safe space for people like me. And then you, I'm going to go, I'm going to go on storm front and complain about that. I'm going to post for a couple of weeks and as soon as someone criticizes my friend, my friend Max, I'm going to complain about how it's supposed to be a safe space for white men.

My friend Max has a lot to criticize me. That's so good. Dude, how dare you say that? Just posting pictures of myself naked. You guys think of my powerful white body. Remember, I represent all of us. My friend was sending me screenshots of like the boards on storm front, but like having the dudes having just the most inane conversations.

There was like a thread about the weather. Yeah. One of them's like, yeah, I like it when it's hot, but I also like it when it's cold. I went to Florida and it was too hot for me, but then I just went in the pool and then it was okay. It's just like all these fucking Nazis. My favorite, my favorite storm front. The first thread ever was somebody went to see like either the golden compass or like

one of those Narnia movies. Yeah. It was one of those bullshit fantasy movies that came out in like 2009. And there was one guy that was like, you know, I was really enjoying it until the, and then I don't want to, I mean, it's, it's hard, our N word. He's like, he's like, until the goddamn N word centaurs showed up. I know it's just big gripe with the movie as they made the centaurs black. And he's like, there's liberal Hollywood bullshit.

I'm just trying to watch an extremely not gay movie about magic. I was on a message board or like a Nazi message because I just always am. Well, half of the forms for bald men are not. And they have great tips about cutting your hair. Is anyone on Propecia? Can I just get a bunch of tiny swastikas tattooed on my scalp until it looks like hair? But they were talking about Simpsons and trying to just figure out whether or not it was okay to watch it. Cause they're like, they're yellow.

They're Chinese. Yeah. Well, they're yellow, but I think that, I think that means they're just white. What do they do about Lenny and Carl? Lenny's the black one, right? No, Lenny's the white one. Carl's the black one. Carl's the black one. I always confuse them.

Yeah. Cause the white ones goes Carl. Yeah. True. Yeah. Yeah. What do they, what do they do about Carl? I don't know. I think they probably hate crime. Yeah. Carl, Lou. And then I think those are the only black characters. Oh no. Sorry.

Dr. Hibbert. Bleeding Gums. Bleeding Gums. Murphy. Yeah. There's plenty of, there's plenty of POC representation on. Yeah. On the Simpsons.

That hilarious. Yeah. Barney's trans, technically. A poo is kind of like problematic. It's so funny how racist a poo is. That's really problematic. No, no, no, no. It's a white dude.

He's just grandfathered in. I know. Yeah. No one can criticize Hank's area. Yeah. It's tough. Also the, the Chinese doctor or whatever. What is that doctor? Dr. Nick.

Yeah. Dr. Nick. He's like Eastern European. Yeah. Which is fair game. You can do anything. He's like Albanian or something. Oh, okay. Good. Fuck out.

Albania. The Mexican B. Fuck Albania. Fuck Eldis. Yeah. The Mexican B. That's based on like this lobster character or something that was on one of those like Mexican. On Univision.

Yeah. Univision is the most race. Like if a white person was behind that, it would be. The biggest. It would be a hate crime. Yeah. It's so far. It's just Mexicans and big, big, fake titties.

Yeah. I don't understand how that's racist though. It's a channel for Mexican people produced in Mexico. But they're like, they have like, they're like. You're just watching something diverse and you're like, this is the most racist thing ever. Yeah. Yeah.

Dude, NBA is so racist. They look like they all are in like Mexican face. Like every woman is just like, it feels racist to watch it. I don't know. That's all I'm saying. Anybody going to say anything here or? No. We're all waiting to go to the bathroom.

I got to piss real fucking bad and Adam just went in there. You guys can't wait? Oh, he's getting coffee. Well, that's why that's the problem. Yeah, I can't wait. She can go away. Me and Ben will just chat for a couple of seconds. No, I'll stay here.

So I've been watching a shit ton of what I like to call the Intamin's Donut, Goatee, Segal era films. Yeah. Anything post 2000. Let me check off some. Probably 2011 or 12. Okay. So the last four years of Segal movies and he's never been like particularly an active

guy, but you know, like under siege area. He's in good shape. He's in no, he's in above the law. First of all, what people don't realize about Segal is that when above the law came out, he was already like 34 years old. Right. He wasn't a young guy. In his first movie, he was already, you know, like getting on and you can see his hairline

is fucked up in that movie. You know, it's all like thin, you know, in the front and then in hard to kill his hairline is fixed and, you know, he's a little bit fatter and he just got progressively fatter through throughout his entire career. Come on. It's part of the fucking podcast Amber. Sorry. Yeah, that was back in the day when you didn't have to be cut.

Yeah. You know, he's 65 years old and he's in his 60s. His body sucks. He's still making movies where it's like we need to send our best special forces out and then he spends half the movie in a chair. He refuses to get out. So we watched last night, Sniper Special Ops and there's no colon. It's Sniper Special Ops.

And that's because the Tom Bairinger Sniper series are not related to Sniper Special Ops and he does maybe five seconds of sniping in a movie. It's right in the beginning. He refuses to take his sunglasses off while looking through the sniper rifle. So he's wearing these dumb fucking like snowboarding sunglasses while like looking down this rifle. And then when they show the enemies in the reticle, they're like five feet away. They're taking up the entire scope. So he's probably, you know, like 10, five feet away from these guys and missing.

They let him miss. He refuses to take it off. You're saying you think Steven Seagal, the actor, is like, no, absolutely not. I'm not getting out of this chair. I'm not taking on the sunglasses. Yes, 100%. I guarantee you that's what it is. Yeah.

Because the thing about all these movies is they're all produced by Steamroller Productions, which he owns. Well, that's like a Chinese. Oh, God. No. No. Steven Seagal's company. He owns it with some Indonesian guy or something.

Yeah. It's like when you work in a restaurant, you have to wait on the owner of the restaurant. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, all these people, then he brings all these fucking old fucks out of retirement. So it's like, you know, like Rob Van Winkle, like dying wrestlers. Yeah, it's all like retired W. Really? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I gotta check this out. And Sniper Special Ops, you know, it's like... Oh, RVD? RVD, isn't it? Yeah. Sniper Special Ops, he's like... He's the lingo guy. I love it.

He's, yeah. He's playing like, you know, they're part of like this like Special Ops team and they're all like in the minimum age is 51 years old and they're in like Afghanistan somewhere. Of course. And then they show their commander who's a major and because it wouldn't make sense. He's a colonel. Yeah, he's a colonel and it wouldn't make sense if he was like, you know, their age. So they have like an 87 year old man.

In RV class. Yeah. He's fucking decrepit old man in RV uniform and he's like, well, I don't know if we can get up that mountain by sunrise. I had a dividing rods, tells me there's gold in them hills, you know, and it just doesn't make any sense. Yeah. Yeah.

It's so, I mean, Seagal is like, he literally puts such minimum effort into the action. Like the way he fires the gun is like, I can't even describe it like... You just sort of lazily... To the podcast. Yeah. He's just like limp, wristedly fired the gun. Like not even looking where you're shooting at. No, there's one scene in Sniper Special Ops where he's working some radio and he's just

sort of lazily pointing the gun at the window next to him in case anyone comes because it's understood that he never really has to aim the gun. Oh yeah. His partner also gets shot and he needs to drag him away. It's clear that he's like connected to like some sort of wire. Yeah. And like you see him pulling the guy. He's just like literally...

He's just touching his shoulders. Yeah. His fucking body moves across the ground as to all his problems. Oh, I'm so jealous of that fucking watch that. I literally almost peed my pants. Yeah. Anything post-2012 is like this. And he's got one of those...

Oh, and he talks like a black person now. Yeah. Well, that started with Glimmer Man and it's progressed where now he talks like a slave. He's like... He's a jazz man now. Oh, hell. You know, these motherfuckers don't have the patience. He's Prop Joe.

He talks like Prop Joe. Yeah. Prop position. Yeah. I already told these motherfuckers, they're gonna... Any of my business, they're gonna have to come around here and cut me off a little sum of that. Oh, that's so fucking good.

You know, maybe we'll maybe do a little mission here in a minute. He should play a black guy in the next... Yeah, yeah. He could... Well, he plays a black guy in Glimmer Man. It's like for whatever reason he stops being Chinese and he's black in that movie. It is a cool type of older black guy, like the guy, the older black, we were talking about this last night, the older black guy that's really into Asian shit, which is sort

of the... The original anime nerd. He would have been a... Which is the precursor. Yeah. It's the precursor to that. Right. Precursor.

You know, like 19... Yeah, in the 70s when Kung Fu movies blew up, like there was a bunch of black guys that got into martial arts. Absolutely. Wu Tang. Wu Tang. That's kind of the birth of black nerds. Yeah.

Wu Tang is responsible for a lot of black nerd culture. A lot of black nerd. Yeah. For sure. For sure. But yeah. Wu Tang is one of those older black men that's into Asian stuff. Yeah.

But eventually... I want to see him do a full blackface movie. Yeah. I think if anyone's going to do it, it's going to be him. Well, there's... What's on the queue is Asian Connection, which I want to watch with him. What a fucking retarded name. I wonder what the connection is in that, what it's referring to.

It's the connection between Steven Seagal and the Dialysis Machine. That's the fucking stint in his arm. Yeah. They go through his special arts dossier on the computer and there's a picture of him young and we were joking around last night. It's from a movie. It's from another movie. Yeah.

It's like 30 years old. Yeah. It's from the same universe. They're all the same universe. Yeah. In the cover for Sniper Special Ops, they've just photoshopped his fat head on someone else's body. Yes.

As poorly as they possibly could. Oh, man. That's so awesome. I love his fat head. No. They just... They fucking pumped these movies out. Yeah.

He's a good man. That's barely a title. Yeah. It's all three words. Yeah. A good man. Yeah. Does he play the good man?

Yeah. He's the good man. Of course. And so basically the plot is this. He's like some kind of ex-special. It's always ex-special force. Right. Right.

And he's living in Bucharest and he just has an apartment and he's been tracking this weapons dealer that got away when he murdered all these people that killed his partner. They have a flashback scene in the beginning where you see him sneaking into some building just fatly going around corners while his Special Ops partner, who looks like a fucking homeless person. This guy's like, again, 57, 60 years old, emaciated, shitty fucking civil war general. Fu-men-shu. Yeah.

And he's like, shit. You know, like McClellan. That's what he was saying. Yes. And he's like, we got to get in. You got two tangos on your left, you know, this homeless guy in the woods on Overwatch and Steven's going, and then like a thing blows up and some girl dies. And so he's upset.

So he wants to go find this weapons dealer who's a Chinese guy and he's in Bucharest and he's like killing these Russian gangsters and his calling card when he kills them is he leaves some incense on the ground and then just scribbles some bullshit and Chinese. And so there's his neighbor who's this woman who's like having trouble getting into her apartment one day and has like a young girl with her. He's like, you know, and then he just breaks into her apartment for her or whatever. And then they're in there and he's like, you know, your kid's nice or whatever. She's like, yes, I love my sister.

And then you see, like, that's supposed to be like, let you know, like, yeah, her pussy isn't ruined. That's her sister. It's not her daughter. And then Seagal's like, your sister, huh, you know, that's what the implication is. And then so, and then the plot gets really fucking convoluted where, yeah, so the arms dealer is doing a deal with the Russian mob who he's not really interested in, but the Russian mob owns the neighbor and the sister because they're her dad owed them money.

So when the dad died, she had to become a bartender in their strip club, not a stripper. Not a whore. Not a whore. Not a prostitute. They just think they'd be a bartender. She's just pure. And but then she still has a really nice apartment, you know, and the Russian mafia sounds pretty reasonable.

Right, yeah. So the Russian mafia loses all their money or something and they owe money to the arms dealer. And so instead of giving him the money, they're like, we will give you the girl instead. So she's their slave. They're slave, basically. But the arms dealer, like, I don't know why he would want a girl. He's like, no, it's $2 million.

I want just some fucking middle-aged Romanian woman, you know, and then he was like, he's like deal. And then they bring the little girl instead of like the main one. And he's like, well, I guess I can sell her to a pedophile. He lines up a sale with a pedophile and then the pedophile shows up and there's three human transactions in this movie. And then Seagal shows up with this other guy. He does this thing.

Now he brings a younger martial artist in and they do the majority of the ass kicking. And then so Seagal does barely nothing. Seagal meets the younger guy and he's like, all right, I'll help you, but you got to do everything my way. And then the guy does everything for himself. Seagal does literally nothing. They saved the guy or they saved the girl. And then at the end of the movie, the neighbor is just like, you know, basically like, well,

I can't thank you enough. And then he just fucks her even though there's been no romantic connection between him. He's older than her by 40 years. They make these poor young actresses never going to get any other. And the fucking scene is him fully clothed while she's naked and he's just touching her body. Yeah. He doesn't, he's still wearing a sunglass and that's Steven Seagal's definition of

a good man. Yeah. Fuck, man, I want to watch this. I'm jealous. Dude, they're so good. Do they ever say good man in the movie? No, they don't. That's a big disappointment.

But I mean, they're filled with like basically every trope that, you know, from the 80s, you know, like, there's another one I watched, Code of Honor last night and opens up with, you know, like a bunch of different types of gangs meeting in some meeting area, you know, so there's bikers and then like your shoulders and then black eyes and Russians and they meet and they, of course, have briefcases and they're like, you got the stuff and it's like, I want to see the money first, right, you know, and it's like, I don't even know where you buy a suitcase anymore. Yeah.

I mean, the props department spent days looking for a suitcase to put that money in. At this point, this is like an anecdote, like a triple, you know, filtered down anecdote. It was Sylvester Stallone on a different podcast, but still, we're talking about Seagull. He said, Stallone said that he was like in Hollywood or whatever and he saw Seagull crying. It was at a studio. He saw Seagull crying on like a stoop and he was just like, he's like, what are you crying? What are you crying for, Steven? What are you crying for?

Yeah. And he's like, I just read the most beautiful screenplay I've ever read in my life. And there's like, oh my God, who wrote it? And he's like, I did. And I just choose to believe that's true. That's 100% true. Well, I was saying, I tweeted at him, I really want to write a movie where Steven Seagull kills James Bond.

You get Putin to produce that. Yeah. You could make that in Russia and they're competing. He's best friends with Putin. Yeah. You could do it and you just imply really heavily that it's James Bond without it. No. I want to use the name James Bond.

Who's this James Bond, motherfucker? Nobody says their name twice to me. I'm Guilan. Can we just make a shitty action movie? Yeah. Maybe. That would be awesome. As shitty as those movies look, they still cost probably $4 million.

I know. But you know what I'm saying? Just like whatever. Let's do a feature length. We'll rent some Humvees. It's not that hard. Yeah. We've got to take a break.

We have messages. Oh, shit. I don't even know if I should say that. But wait, we're taking a break. We'll be right back. Goodbye. Hey, guys. Nick here, the original Cumboy, the leader, the gearhead, the worst one on the show, the

one that should probably kill himself, and I have a special message just for listeners of Come Town. Guys, if you know me, you know I'm one of the people that pulls their pants all the way down to pee at the urinal. And no, it's not because I have a neurological disorder. It's actually because I'm trying to show off my fancy underwear. That's right, folks. I've got good underwear, and I got it at macweldin.com.

And I went online, and it was really easy to just go to their website and order underwear directly from them without the shame and humiliation of having to go into a store and explain to cashiers and all the customers that I had to replace my old underwear because I don't know how to wipe myself. I'm a very impatient wiper. So the order online, it was great for me. It was one of the easiest shopping experiences I've ever had. And they're the most comfortable underwear I've ever owned in my life.

And they got other stuff, too. They got some crewnecks, scarves, socks. They got a silver line of underwear and undershirts that are naturally antimicrobial, which is a scientific term, which means they eliminate odor, so you don't have to brush your teeth anymore, I'm pretty sure. And I stopped doing that, actually. And they've got socks and underwear, crewnecks, scarves, hoodies that look good for any occasion. You know, I'm talking, you know, staying in, gaming, maybe going out, maybe coming back

home to game more, you know, going to the store, maybe going to a bris. You can wear these clothes to a bris, people. That's how nice these are. These are bris clothes. So macwellton.com, check them out. Use promo code COMTOWN, C-U-M-T-O-W-N to get 20% off. And tell you what, if you don't like your first pair of underwear, you can call them up, complain about it, and they'll refund your money, and you can go ahead and keep that

pair of underwear. It's on the house. Check them out, macwellton.com. And we're back. And we're still watching Shark Tank. The next episode starts in 14 seconds, and from what I can tell, it's two young black girls, both who are wearing shirts with pictures of watermelon on them. Oh, jeez, oh, I can only imagine what kind of awful shit I'm going to say.

Here's my idea for Shark Tank. It's a bicycle that sucks your dick. There we have those, dude. No. Well, they have a bicycle that has a dick in the seat. No, no, no, no, exactly. It's connected to the pedal. I'm talking a flashlight.

You move in the bobs. You're not listening. This is the opposite. It bobs up and down. They have that. It moves back and forth. Does it? Fuck.

Fuck. I'm devastated. I thought it was going to be weird. Yeah, you're just not good at business. What it means is you don't have a business, man. You just have to make a better one. Stick to pussy-eating comedy. I do want to be the world's foremost pussy-eating comedian.

I think you are. I think you are. I don't think anybody else has that marker. You're trying to carve out that niche. Yeah. You've got that handled. Thank you. Thank you, guys.

That means a lot. For me, it's more of a lifestyle decision. That she really is wearing a shirt with a watermelon on it, dude. Nick. Chill, dude. Chill out, man. I am being chill. I'm just saying.

I mean, the sharks are going to notice that. They're sharks. Are they not going to say anything about that? You're right. That's blood in the water. Yeah. Delicious sugary blood in the water. Sorry.

I know I'm stuck on it, but I'm stuck. It's a sassy-looking watermelon. All right. This would be the best control, Nick. I don't get it. It's just a fruit. What are you talking about, Nick? Yeah.

This would honestly be the best way to troll, Nick, just bring something like this in the room. And then no one comment. What are you talking about, man? What are you talking about, man? Yeah. Convince me, I'm having like a schizophrenic episode. What are you talking about, man?

Their counteroffer is just white women, as these ladies are. It's two white ladies selling something called Soulmates, and it's S-O-L-E, not S-O-U-L, the black version, which is the other girls. Yes. They're- it's- you pour Jerry Curl solution in your shoes. You're stuck in my head for like a week. You know that song, Soul Man? Yeah.

I'm a soul man. But it's I'm a gay man. Yes, yes. How would it go? I'm a gay man. But I'm a gay man. Oh, that's from that movie, The Gay Brothers? Yeah.

The Gay Brothers 2000? Well, you just suck off 2000 guys and for brothers, fuck 2000 men. Their hats are glued to their heads with com. Also, the movie Dome Heads, where they have regular heads, but they suck each other's dicks. That's the family that loves sucking heads. Hell, yes, Dome Heads, bitch. Yeah.

Um, what else? What else, Dan Aykroyd stuff, like, we can make gay? Um, uh, Second Titty. But it's a Fat Man's Tits. Ghost Nutbusters? I love it so far. But Ghostbusters is a movie starring women. Yeah, it is.

That's right. What do you mean? They actually deleted all the copies of the original Ghostbusters. Wait. They did Kristen Wiig go from city to city, burning every DVD of Ghostbusters. That's what they're doing at the million one in March. She menstruated all over them and ruined it. So if you put it in your DVD player, it explodes and destroys your man cave.

Replaces everything. No, my man cave! Everything in your man cave gets replaced with scented candles. It just turns your son gay if you watch the old Ghostbusters. Needle point motivational. Home is where the heart is. Um, fuck, what was I going to talk, oh, here's something I want to talk about me and Ben we're discussing.

Do you guys think Bernie fucks good? Bernie Sanders? Yeah. Sanders? I think Bernie fucks good. I think he's all elbows. I think he fucks good. I think it's a lot of foreplay.

I think Bernie's really, well, I think that, I read the thing about how he, how, how, but he's like, Amber look disgusted at him with his elbows comment. Yeah. Well, she's not on Mike. I were maxed out at four mics with the current gear set up. Listen, I was planning on purchasing something where we'd have additional inputs, but instead I got PlayStation. But we should get a giant studio, but two, uh, two controllers for the place.

That's true. Yeah. We can always play. I was thinking about other people. We can play FIFA all the time together. Yeah. I think Bernie fucks good, man. And I honestly, I'd like to think I fuck like Bernie.

Um, you fuck like Bernie Adam. You fuck like Hillary Nick. Yeah. You're selfish. What do you mean? Children. I thought children. Well, full of pizza.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. I mean, you fuck children as well. I heard that his, but his basketball game is all, well, it's all hustle and all elbows. Who did you hear it from? There's someone, someone did a, like a, I think it was a Desmond thing about like they asked the guys that so you read, he plays pick up.

Yeah. Hearing means like, you know, guys that play basketball with Bernie. Yeah. Yeah. I just hung out at the Burlington Vermont YMCA. Yeah. And there was like an old man there in the corner. It was kind of like a rock.

I'm open. I'm open. You fucking stooge. I like your mafia Bernie Sanders impression is that a good Bernie stooge and my perfect socialist world. Everybody gets free. Gabba ghoul. That's a great character.

Italian Bernie Sanders. Well, my favorite. My own. The 1% of my own. These taxes Bernie send, send the Duccio, send the Duciliani. My favorite character is rapist Jay Leno still. Yeah. Yeah.

Come here bitch. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I mean, yeah. Come here. I'm gonna have sex with you. I guess you will. No exits in this garage.

I've got 19 trucks to hide you. So he's probably a bad he's probably bad at sex because he's a car guy, right? Jay Leno is not good at fuck. Oh yeah. Yeah. No way is Jay Leno good at fuck. I love that fuck scene and gone in 60 seconds where they're like making childish fucking double entendres at each other, but like the stick shift to Angelina and Nick and Nick

Cage. Yeah. I've never seen going in 60 seconds. Oh, we should watch that. Yeah. That movie is a piece of shit. Yeah. It's really bad because Nicholas Cage only does the best movies.

Well, it's funny when they let Nicholas Cage be Nicholas Cage, the movies are amazing. That's true. You know, have you seen a kiss kiss of the vampire? Yeah. Vampires kiss. Embrace of the vampire. It's not like that. No, it's kiss of the vampire.

There's also Embrace of the vampire, which has Alyssa Milano naked in it. Oh yeah. Yeah. Extremely naked. It's awesome. It's fucking so good. And I, I know I say it beat off to a lot of things, but I remember specific beat off sessions to this piece of.

Mark it down. To this piece. Put it on the spreadsheet. Well, God, I love, I love Embrace of the vampire. You know, titties are so out. Yeah. You know, what's the best Alyssa Milano movie is like that made for TV Joey Botafuco movie. Yeah.

That was Amy Fisher. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Never saw it. Beat off to Charmed though. What? Yes.

Beat off to Charmed. To Charmed. Yeah. That other girl was in there too. They were all hot. Did you have the candle in your ass while you were doing that also? No. I have a question about the candle.

I tried it a couple of times. Yeah. Yeah. I guess you was funny about the candle and the ass thing is that immediately became a scented candle after. It's not the kind of scent you want, but. A stanky candle. What's your question about the candle, Ben?

Ben, you must have been thinking about Stifler. Yeah. I was thinking about the nurse putting things in his face. His face, his eyes closed, and it's like Stifler like, come hang out with me, Star Rust. Do you think you're Stifler? Nah, dude, because the nurse is so cool. Yeah.

I'm willing to go gay for friendship when I'm 11 years old. Actually, probably, I probably could have been talking to like sucking someone off to be friends with them. Yeah. Hey, we've all been there. Yeah. Like right now. Yeah.

Nobody wants to hang out with you at the lunch table. Yeah. How are you going to do it? Yeah. Do what you got to do. Right. Put on some knee pads and you make friends. Yeah.

Dip your fucking, just use the chocolate milk as lube. Why? Because that's what you got at the lunch table, dude. Oh. Yeah, come on. We're going to go mayonnaise. I guess probably mayonnaise. In terms of, if you had to be at, all right, using only cafeteria stuff.

This is like Apollo 13. Yeah. Yeah. This is all they had. Yeah. Yeah. Apollo 69. What would make the best lube?

I guess it is mayonnaise, right? Well, is there like salad dressing? You know what I always liked about, you know how they say space is a vacuum? And I like to imagine astronauts on the space shuttle and then someone on this, like the space shuttle is like, well, you know, space is vacuum and an astronaut's like, what? And they're like, yeah, it's a vacuum. And then he immediately sticks his dick out of the air locker to get sucked off by space. It's also like 100 degrees below zero or something.

That's why I like a nice cold blow job. That's awesome. Yeah, put the ice. Well, people say you put ice in your mouth and suck dick or anything. Yeah. Well, you know they got the, I mean, they have to jack off somehow in space. I always love that term, eskimo brothers or whatever. Yeah.

Do you think any eskimos know about that? Yeah, what are the eskimos up to? Well, the eskimo language is people going, oh, snow, snow, snow, snow, snow, snow, snow, snow, snow, snow. They have only words for snow. Yeah. Oh, they're rather the only word they have. There are actual eskimo brothers, you know?

Yeah. What do you mean? I mean, like they're eskimo brothers. Sometimes they have brothers. Do they ever, do they fuck the same, do they only exclusively fuck them? Are you allowed to fuck your brother's wife in eskimo culture? Is that why it's like that? Yeah, that's what they call it.

You fuck my wife. Did you fuck my wife? What about a snowball fight? You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Remember, it's to come. You both get, you're coming in your own mouths and then you spit into each other's mouth.

What's the eskimo word for that, folks? Right in. Let us know. Isn't that also just a retarded thing? Like some idiot went to, you know, and just like they have different, like we have sleet or slush or ice. Yeah. And he's just a fucking idiot or he was an idiot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, they have 30 words for snow. It's 50, right? Whatever the fuck it is. I don't think that's even true. I think that's just some stupid ass anthropologist. Right. Yeah.

Margaret Mead, stupid dumbass bitch. Yeah, fuck Margaret Mead. You know, speaking of funny shit from sociology and college and shit, I remember I was in one of my classes, they, like one sociologist went to, I was reading a chapter book and one sociologist went to like a fucking, some culture like Papa New Guinea or some little island like that. And like, it was just like, if you bonded with like a little boy, he sucked your dick. Like that was like cool.

And that was like the fucking fun thing to do over there. Philly, you're talking about? Yeah. You went to Philly to help me. Everyone's like. You can't judge it though, because it's the culture. Yeah. And some little kid tried to suck the guy's dick while he was over there.

And he was like, no, I'm good, dude. I got a wife. And he's like, no, it doesn't matter. We're just friends. Like that just a thousand years ago, whoever was like the leader of that island was a pedophile. And then he just got to do. Well, Greece was like that. Yeah.

Well, no, that's how you, you learn quicker. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Japan was like that. Like Samurai. Samurai was all that boys. Yeah.

Yeah. That's just some pedophiles were in power and just like this makes it easier to learn. Yeah. It's awesome. Yeah. How does that start? I think it's literally that. No one likes to fuck.

But then so many people just go along with it. He's just like, all right, I guess. Yeah, dude. That's kid. That's what culture is, man. Damn, dude. Bro. Yeah, man.

Fuck, dude. I mean, I guess that's normal. You know, we like to do weird things in this culture, right? Like what? You know, like. Name one thing that we do that's weird in this culture. We drink like milk from other animals. What?

That's fucked up, man. Dude, it's like you fuck. Some people fuck dogs. Yeah, that seems kind of tight, though. What if there is a coffee shop in New York that had breast milk? Like they were like breast milk. I'm surprised that doesn't exist. Yeah, that should be a thing.

I like that. I like that. That would peak like Lena Dunham brand feminism mid last year when people were making yogurt and bread in their vagina. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like this is empowering. And it's like for who?

Yeah. This is the weirdest shit. Who is that empowering for? Oh, shit. The CrossFit games just came on. How is this still Shark Tank? All these hard bodies, dude. Dude, that's me.

If somewhere there's a sexy ass shredded woman that like wants to beat up a fat man in a humiliated sexually. Jesus, look at that woman's delts, dude. Just holler at me. At Stavi Baby on Instagram. S-T-A-V-V-Y baby. What is CrossFit? Why is CrossFit?

Why is it? I don't even get it. People just want to work out. Because it's more involved than a regular gym. It's just more called like- Because you just take friends. The way commercial gyms work is you sign up for a membership. There's always bullshit fees.

And then they say, you know, like, oh, and you can get a personal trainer also. And you've already spent so much fucking money on the initial membership that you're like, no, I don't need that. I don't need any extras. You already charged me a $100 additional sign up fee. So they have the gym membership and they go once or twice and they don't know what the money is doing and then they get discouraged and they never go back. With CrossFit, like, the first time you go there, you know exactly what you're doing.

So it's like having a personal trainer, but it's not like that weird one. Because anybody that has a personal trainer, the gym looks like a fucking asshole. Yeah. You know, you go to a commercial gym. It's for, like, you know, divorced men that have never done a push-up in their life. And they're trying to fuck at 40 for the first time. Right. Damn, I kind of want to do that, though.

I want to fuck. I want to get a personal trainer to teach me how to fuck, dude. Isn't your brother a personal trainer? Yeah. But he lives in fucking Frostburg. Yeah. Skype him in. Skype him in.

He's wearing a VR pro. I'm wearing a VR pro. No, you skip into his gym. Oh, true. I think you just watch the exercise. You could be his, like, PhD thesis, dude. My fat brother. Turn my fat brother into a sexy fucking ripped bro.

I mean, I'm sexy. Don't get me wrong, but I want to be ripped, dude. I want to be strong. I want to fight people. Wouldn't it be cool to just be physically stronger than everyone? I think they should do that, dude. Like, I'm not really into mixed martial arts. I never got into UFC or anything.

But I would watch it if they only had people that were completely out of shape. Because there's more on the line there. Absolutely. Like, I'm not really worried about, you know, two guys that look like they know how to fight. If it was two people that could possibly die, you know, from a stroke or something. I would do that. That would be... I would fight another similarly out of shape fat man.

This is similar. It's like bum fights. Yeah, fat fights. We should do it. That was based in Vegas. When I was growing up. Bum fights? Bum fights, yeah.

Was Kimbo from Vegas? No, Kimbo is in Florida. Bum fights. Just fat guys fighting. I like that. I like that a lot. Vegas produces a lot of garbage, huh? Yeah, really bad.

It was really bad growing up there, yeah. Why did your family move to Vegas? I don't know. I don't know. To hit it rich. Yeah, no, I mean, we lived in LH. They were already... No, they weren't, no.

You said your parents were like millionaire architects prior to that. No, they were not. They lost... Yeah, they moved to Vegas. Because there was blue collar architects. Oh. They fled South Africa, right? No, they...

Yeah, they... It was like the fastest growing city in America. Vegas? Yeah. But by weight. They just read the article wrong. No, until 2008. The fattest place in the country.

The fattest growing city. Yeah. I mean, it was weird growing up there. I mentioned, I don't think I talked about in the last episode, but like, the only thing you could do at 18, because you couldn't go to the strip, you couldn't gamble, you couldn't do anything, was go to strip clubs. So, me and my friends would just go in the middle of the desert, get high, and then we'd be bored, and then we'd be like, all right, let's go to the titty bar.

Right. And then we'd go to the titty bar, and we'd just be two stoned, and then there'd be like, some lady with fucking stretch marks, dancing the puddle of mud, and it'd be so fucking depressing. We'd go to fucking little darlings and see some lady fucking dancing. Did you ever fuck a prostitute in Vegas while you were young? No. Never.

No. I wouldn't know what to do. What, take her to my parents' house? I feel like your dad would be cool with that. No, he would not. I don't know. Yeah, no. Maybe?

No, they wouldn't be cool with it, but they would not. Of course, they would imagine going to your fucking family's home, and mom, this is a fucking whore that I'm going to go fucking upstairs while you do dishes and shit. That would be so awesome. Yeah, I think they'd be confused at first. What are you talking about? No, I wouldn't say that it was a prostitute. I'd be like, this is, you know, this is my friend, Nastasha.

Yeah, she's a Russian 18-year-old girl with braces. She definitely did not come here in a shipping container, like in the season two of The Wire. She definitely, I met her. Yeah. No, it was, yeah, it was a weird place to grow up for sure, yeah, but then I moved to the East Coast and everyone thinks I'm from New Jersey, so. Really? Yeah, because I'm Jewish or whatever.

You're Jewish, yeah. Yeah, I am. Because you're Jewish and annoying. Yeah, yeah. And there's Jersey written all over it. I guess so. Is that it? Long Island?

Yeah. Not quite Long Island. I mean, like. No, there's a bunch of, you know, people think you're from Long Island. J-O-O's out there. No, I know, but I don't pick up Long Island from New Jersey. You get Jersey? Well, not even either of those, but I feel like Long Island's more obnoxious, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was watching that Deepwater Horizon movie with my friend from Long Island yesterday and he kept saying, you want to watch this Deepwater Horizon movie? Deepwater. Yeah, he says like the Philly way. I guess in Long Island they say Wooder as well. Dude, Philly is so trashy over there yesterday. They talk exactly like Dundalk.

Like they have the same fucking terrible accent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's mid-Atlantic. Yeah, it's a bad place. It's a bad place. And Philly cheese takes suck my dick also. They're not good. No, no, there's good ones there.

Yeah. But it's just not Pats or Genos. Pats and Genos suck dick. Yeah, they're bad. They're horrible. I go to Genos because I order in fucking English. Absolutely. Yeah.

Politically, I stand with Genos. Yeah, you gotta go to Genos. It would be great to go in there and order an Italian and see if they kick you out. Damn, I want to sandwich that. Yeah. Think of that, Geno, did you? Yeah. Or go into Pats and order an Irish, I guess, or a potato and word over and over again.

Is that an Irish? Is that an Irish? No. Did they bring that over? I don't know. I don't know. Probably not. Probably Irish.

Yeah, yeah. Did we talk about how there was another one? One of the other famous ones was just called Chink Stakes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a fun one. And it changed its name to Joe's in 2012. It was Chink Stakes that entire time. And the backstory was that, because when I first saw it, I was like, that's got to be

a mistake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no way it's called Chink Stakes. And then the backstory is that the guy that owned the place as a kid, he looked sleepy. Yeah. So his nickname was Chink. Yeah, he just had fucking... So it's not racist, it's a white guy being called Chink.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he looks like a chink. He has sort of Chinese eyes. Yeah, right. That was the story there. Sorry, I was enthralled by this guy that's just trying to sell chocolate on Shark Tank. He's just selling Kinder Eggs? They're all crying.

They're always crying. They say he's good. He started off crying. Yeah, no, he... Is he going to get it? Oh, they're Shark Tank Kinder Eggs? Yeah, but the Kinder Eggs are illegal in the United States. He found a loophole.

What is it? You put gasoline in the chocolate so it counts as fuel. Yeah, yeah. And that way you can get past the FDA. Wait, why are Kinder Eggs illegal in the United States? Yeah. Because they could steal a choking hazard, but technically... Because kids were taking the balls out of the chocolate and putting them in their ass

and just getting stuck in there. They're not damnant stuff. Yeah. You ruin everything. No. What if candles were illegal in the United States because of one boy on a road trip? How wide of a candle are we talking? That's what I was about to ask.

It was like a... It was like a Shabbos candle. It was a little... It was like an entire menorah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did I say candle? It was Liberace's candle opera. It was a Roman candle that I put in and set off into my ass.

It was like a fucking little communion candle type of thing. Yeah. It was one of those candles in the commemoration room in the Holocaust Museum. It was like... I'll fucking... Did you guys ever... When he said I watched the trip, he was confused and meant I was on a road trip with my class to the Holocaust Museum.

Yeah. And I put a candle in my ass and I called my ass the Secret Anarchsman. I was an Anne Frank joke. Oh, sorry. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Apparently, she didn't get sold out. They just revised that history.

Does anyone do a bit about how like publishing her private diary is so much worse than being gassed by the Nazis that essentially her father was worse than the Nazis in that situation? Her dad was... It was the one who lived. Yeah. Yeah. Dad was the one that... Wait, really?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. She sold them all out. No. No, no. That'd be so awesome. But that'd be really good, wouldn't it? Apparently, they didn't get sold out.

Yeah. That was like this... Apparently, it was just like a random... She got caught. Basically, what happened with Anne Frank was that her father was indebted to the Russian mafia. And so the Russian mafia had to sell Anne Frank to a Chinese pedophile. And then Steven Seagal saved her.

Wow. He's a free-taker. Give me her diary. I would love to see... You know, how funny it is that Wahlberg makes like Deepwater Horizon in that Boston Marathon bombing movie. If Seagal was doing the same thing, where he stops 9-11, but he just refuses to get out of a chair, just being in first class, and he's just like lazily reaching into the cockpit

and slap-killing everyone. Yeah, he loves to slap-kill. That's his move. Yeah, and he's so lazy that the movie is just called 9-1. I'm not saying three numbers. You're only getting two numbers out of me. If I saw that movie, I saw Pager's Day. The other day, I went to the theater and I was like, I don't want to see hidden figures.

I don't want to watch like a serious movie. And then I was like, Mark Wahlberg and Patriots Day, that sounds like it's probably like a dumb action movie. Was it good? I thought it was going to be like White House Down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like a really like realistic Boston Marathon bombing movie. It's Pete Berg.

And I just cried. Really? I hear it's not bad. It's actually pretty good. We got to find these fucking Muslim kids who did this. It's surprisingly not as anti-Muslim as you'd think. Really? Is it the kid that nicks out?

I hear the kid. Yeah, I'm done. Yeah, it's not super, it's not super conservative. If Wahlberg doesn't wipe his ass with a turban, then I don't want to see it. No, he doesn't even say one slur in it. Yeah. In a Boston accent. It's got a lot of A-listers.

It does beat up like about 12 Vietnamese in the process, if you ask me, there's a lot of gay-list celebrities. Dude, so the kid who lives with a nice man, the hardest I've heard Nick laugh for like three weeks. We can't take breaks anymore. Yeah, it's pumping. It's so upsetting sometimes. I think that's funny, dude.

Gay-list celebrities. No, I'm with you. Yeah. I'm totally with you. Actually, I'm friends with a lot of gay-list celebrities. Yeah, they're on the gay-list. The secret Hollywood gay-list. Yeah.

How about a website called Headline, or sorry, Deadline, or not Deadline, Headline. That's so funny. Anyway, sorry. I keep getting distracted by fucking Shark Tank. Yeah, let's just selling popcorn. We should not be watching shit. We're done. We've done our time for this week.

I think this has been a good episode. It actually is a good episode. Let's plug the show. Yes. The 23rd, this upcoming Monday, we have a show to come on everybody, great lineup. Great lineup. You got, we're really lucky. Abby Rosenquist, Mike Lieberwitz, Langston Kerman, very funny, bros.

Also I wanted to fucking say I'm on a benefit for Planned Parenthood Friday, January 27th at Art Spaces, PS109, I'll have my shit on Twitter and all that kind of stuff. But yeah, that's going to be another good one, and all the money goes to Planned Parenthood. I went to a Planned Parenthood benefit at the museum, on the ceiling of, or the roof of the museum. That's a really nice spot. It was great. In DC.

There were like senators there. Dana brought me. I was wearing basketball shorts. They had an open bar, and I just got trashed on the balcony. And, you know, I feel like I changed a lot of people's minds, absolutely, about abortion. You were anti-abortion? Yeah.

You should have been aborted. Yeah. Right. Well, no, they were on board with abortion. So yeah, anyway, so come to our show, and then if you want to come to the Planned Parenthood thing, we're raising money for, you know. Yeah, and a lot of people have asked, the ticket link is now up on the website. It wasn't up until, I think, yesterday or something.

We had a poster snafu, apparently. The poster our friend made was a little bit racially incensed. You might as well tweet it, right? The poster? No, it's not even racially incestive. Anyway. But the fact that I'm saying that is. It was just Chief Wahoo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just used the logo of the Washington Redskins. It was us in blackface, fake hanging ourselves, which I don't get with the point. What's so racist about it? Yeah, it was really just, it was so innocuous. Ben, you seem upset. I'm not upset. I was watching Shark Tank.

Yeah. Anyway, all right, well. That's it, you fucking slut. Should we riff on gay-less celebrities? That one was good for me. It was good. I like gay-less. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuff that you guys really grab. There's going to be a charity event. There's a lot of gay-less celebrities here. Let me laugh about that for a week and a half. Ah, fuck. All right. Well, goodbye, everyone. Bye, friends.

Later. Bye.