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theme song went anyways how much how much soul train did you watch I watched
a little bit growing it would play it early shit Sunday mornings before church
when I was still a church going boy I remember I would watch soul train yeah
before I went to a racist school I was actually raised in the racist religion
that's why I am the way I am today you know I try to be woke but I'm sorry it's
just my upbringing we went to fight what's in your DNA yeah we went to swastika
church I would say we would learn how to draw swastikas that's why I was so good
at it you know and obviously that's what a fiddler like swastika is because he was
an artist and they're so much fun to do they are pretty cool yeah that's where
it started he was an artist and he couldn't stop drawing swastikas yeah
it's the most our teacher teacher like you got to stop doing this eight off well
it was between the swastika and the super s the s with the three yeah three
pretty cool as I was laughing I was laughing during the primaries is that's
what like Bernie should have changed his campaign logo to is that s he would
have won like Sanders with that s not even that just the s you just make it
that s thing draw it on a piece of paper and this is a key isn't it yeah it is
similar to the Suzuki logo Felix we got big dick Felix in the next year I'll
the intro the guests thank you I'll do whatever I want Felix is here everyone
we got big dick Felix here this part out and Felix is official introduction
I should you understand you're powerless I'm the one with yeah at least I'm
making you do more work now you're not I should introduce Felix because he's
Jewish and every time we have a Jewish guest I should introduce that we are
parentheses brothers yeah we are for me me and Adam we didn't go to racist church
but we went to racist synagogue together growing up we both went to Jared
Kushner synagogue and we actually both sucked the foreskin at the same time
like in a lady in the tram there's a little baby foreskin what happens to
the foreskins I always imagine you do a bit about it putting them in like a book
like a diary like a old flower and then you let it dry out in the diary like a
scrapbook yeah that's what I imagine having like the parents would do I think
there's a box of Jewish burn victims get them oh they make them out of you
they give you new skin a menorah tips over and causes a fire I think it's isn't
that good stem cell shit right there yeah there's a lot of stem cells there's
actually I was reading about this isn't funny but it's true there's like they
can like use stem cells to create like proto skin cells or whatever like an
atomized spray and just spray new skin on burn victims mm-hmm and instead of
skin grafts it's like a technology could you spray nanotech could you spray an
asshole shut yeah that would be hilarious funny and then and then somebody's
like what good is the bathroom if you cannot shit mr. Anderson his asshole
seals freaks out I said I want go to the bathroom what my toilet in one life
you're a regular shitting man just like everybody else and the secret life you're
the online diaper-wearing hacker Neo you're telling me that I won't have to
wipe no Neo I'm telling you that one day you won't even have to shit
totally yeah where did they shit in Zion shit yeah there was like a latrine
type situation they had going on after the techno rave I think they had a like
a yeah like a latrine station set up you know what they never explain those
movies why the machines want to kill those people because they want to enemy
dude they got a harvest them for their tech and they already have people that
they harvest their machines trying to stop but they're trying to stop the
people have them having people yeah they're trying to wake everyone you're
trying to make everyone whoa yeah but if they just didn't do that then they
could live in now they would but they that was the middle of the world there's
no reason for they were but they were doing it so how about that so it's
really the people's the people are the bad guys they're the ones oh no they
wanted to kill the people because the people were woke they weren't living in
the matrix like everyone else yeah but that doesn't make any sense why would
they want to kill them because they're woke and they want to get them in the
matrix want to wake everyone else up back to my point that it's their fault
no because if they wake up then you all you have the chance for dissent you are
all the people in the matrix like in some sort of file cabinet where they're
all sleeping and like plugged into those things yeah the only character I really
you know felt any kind of connection to was the Joey Panza fucking biggest
villain dickhead I want you to put me back in there but I have seasoned tickets
to the Yankees his demands are such bullshit yeah he wanted a steak I want to
be somebody famous that's actually what I want to be in the soprano I want to
be wearing a rug that I keep in the freezer man Janice really did fuck so
every Ralph Zephyretta everyone all of his enemies Richie April Richie April
was such a piece of shit he was the biggest piece of shit the first time
we see Richie he just paralyzes a guy for no reason he fucking paralyzes a guy
because he comes in there that was the most realistic mob thing and the
sopranos was a Richie paralyzed a guy because he wouldn't like give him half
his pizza business yeah something like that it was you know my favorite thing
about something the sopranos did so well is that every time someone got out of
jail they still had 1980s style yes like the clothes were all they all wore
like members only jackets and stuff and Richie he had that jacket that leather
jacket that he like he beat some guy up for and he was like he was the toughest
guy yeah no and then he gave it to Tony and then Tony gave it to the Gartner
he's the king of shade he really he's better than drag queen shows when him
and Bobby get in the fight over monopoly yeah yeah if they want another
season and they had another you know dream sequence episode it would have
just been Tony hosting a podcast
I love this be the sopranos episode now we gotta get we're seen for that one
yeah we're scenes gotta be the sopranos guy we're cuz he's a cuz he's in the
top yeah he's a guy that was funny but you watch it and it's like this he
just wanted to wear that track suit yeah that's all that sketch was yeah
respect the Racine though for actually being in waste management being a
time oh yeah yeah he was a garbage bottling his own canning his own sauces
yeah that's if I had the reason I went into media is because the job I had
lined up in waste management fell through and I was no I was like after I
graduated I knew this family an Italian family of course the waste management
company out east and I was like well I guess that's what I'm gonna do and it
fell through and I was too retarded to figure out how to get any other job and
here I am hell yeah dude hell yeah I wish you were in the mob right now dude
you just like backed your way into the mob this one my great-great-uncle did
he was he stole money from Capone in the 30s and I'm self-armed I have an
uncle who likes to pretend he's in the mob oh yeah like saying grozzy at
restaurants and shit is a Jewish guy remember that fucking horrible deep
restaurant in Benny's wait wait yeah this is an attra
that Ben's or that Nick's got Jewish cousins and uncles yeah that's a good
idea is riling up the people on reddit good call Adam I've been to three
Barbellic anyone up wow what a shock the one Jewish member of the podcast
stabbing the podcast where have I seen that before I believe the greatest
story ever told Jesus Christ yeah it was Peter Rabbit about St. Peter someone
said that the other day you said I guess it is a joke and then I was like well
maybe not what it what is Peter I know wait I'm thinking of the velveteen
rabbit yeah I was all the team rabbit which was why didn't they call it the
circle teen rabbit huh wait with no fucking retard oval teen
now the ball the team rabbit I'll call back to a thing we were talking about
off a mic that was wrong anyway the velveteen rabbit's about a little boy
that gets HIV and then they have to burn all his toys because he has HIV and
they're worried that the toys will get HIV and then the velveteen rabbit is a
toy rabbit that becomes real which it's made out of retrovirals yeah yeah that's
how they came up with the idea for Oz yeah this shitty issue I think yeah man
I mean I was watching Oz because I was like we're like watching a bunch of
fucking we got HBO go we're like oh let's watch out we watch the prank I was
like let's watch all the classic shows everyone talks about and Oz is just so
horribly acted it just rape right on right off the fucking top they've got
that horrible like narrator what's that got what's the
Augustus the characters the guy in the wheelchair I don't know it might be
right I forget the actor's name the characters name is like August or
something yeah anyway let's just stick yeah no it's fucking terrible that from
whiplash rapes right JK Simmons JK Simmons in his first just kidding
Simmons I would watch that fucking show every day when I could would come home
from school when I was 16 I would watch that in sopranos and the sopranos like
no it was another Jew who wished he was in the mafia of course went to the
grocery store in my neighborhood and was like could I get some a gaba ghoul
what are you talking about realize it's not how you say unless you're in one
part of America but absolutely Oz is one part of Italy although yeah that's
the official Italian if you get if you do get Capacol here Capacol here and they
don't say gaba ghoul don't get it I don't get it my favorite we were talking
about us before this but my favorite thing about it was that like one of the
heroes of the show is supposed to be like the lib who ran the and he was like
you were supposed to feel bad for him when the government would be like we're
shutting down like your weird daycare prison because there are 500 rapes and
85 kilos of heroin are consumed daily and it's entirely run by gangs you know
give it a chance I just don't understand what the experiment was supposed to be
yeah it's like we have we yeah yeah we have worth doing an experiment in a
separate part of the prison and the experiment is is like well we just have
a you know these people that are part of the cast and they're in this part of
the prison and then you know that's really it is we're not really gonna put
any thought into what happens with them or how it's an experiment we're not
gonna tell you what the hypothesis is gonna tell you it's an experiment that's
the that's the Oz prequel it's that guy in front of a boardroom with a
PowerPoint he's like I promise you I can increase rapes by 500% because Tim
McManus was like a drunk too right wasn't that like that he was like
secretly a drunk or something he was a wait was he a drunk or was he like that
had to be someone else was that whittlesley who was a drunk I thought it
was McManus it was the fucking drunk there's like secretly a drunk or
something and that you know but I mean yeah I don't understand what the
experiment was it sucks give me a job yeah and you can just nakedly just the
gangs are just like just doing gang deals it like the middle of the day in
front of other cops how about the first episode they said what's his name on
fire yeah yeah they said I'm on fire and then yeah what that's your discreet way
of prison murder like a fucking bonfire all right secretly set up a cannon and
we're gonna fire him into the prison walls and no one's gonna know who did
it you'd be funny if like cuz you know beachers in there like the show opens
with beacher and he's like a you know guy that you got a DUI and fucking killed
a kid or whatever so he ends up in there but and I'm sure they do establish
what everyone else did in the show but it'd be great if that was just like a
minimum security white collar prison and so like out of BC was in there for tax
evasion or whatever yeah but that experiment goes so badly that they're
just raping and murdering each other so insider training it was like it was
like perfect 90s 2000s liberalism because like the main villain of the show
was the Republican governor of the state yeah and he got reelected like five
times in the course of the show but he only did campaign appearances at the
prison right only campaign platforms were like uh no more smoking in the
prison we're gonna kill the retarded guy in the prison and it's like what how
did this how do people keep electing this guy he's not doing anything very
popular prison yeah I love it that Cyril showed up and then like the one
thing his brother wants to do is prevent him from being raped by the Nazis and
then the Nazis rape his brother it's like this is such a dumb show they kill
Cyril to be Cyril like kills a guy in a fight and McManus who's supposed to be
like the bleeding heart liberal as the warden of the daycare prison is like
we're killing Cyril and they're like it's like you don't get to make that
call they just handed him a blister pack and let him strangle
are those white collar prisons like where they're like they get lobster and
they play tennis and they have they have cable knit sweatshirts and stuff is
that real yeah that's right yeah that's a real thing yeah and there's no like
fences either right yeah yeah well it's everyone complaining about like oh wow
how hard it was for Chelsea Manning in prison she was in one of those you got
lobster every day yeah actually they make you be trans she didn't want to be
trans it's just that's why you have to do it one of those prisons to be cool not
only not only woke prison right not only was it not bad that she was in
prison but you know I'm not even gonna give credit to Obama for letting her
out I'm gonna have it both ways I'll say he didn't do enough and it also she
deserved to be in jail look you can't be a traitor to our boys in the fucking
camo when uh when Manning like leaked that shit I mean the most ghoulish shit
that came out from that was probably the collateral murder yeah yeah yeah and I
loved it how the response on that from like the DC pundits were like she's
probably caused hundreds of secret agents to die and it was and then like
the take I saw after she got out was like well she didn't leak anything that
we didn't know like we already knew that that the collateral murder thing that
was an op gone wrong so you know she's actually not a hero yeah you're just
arguing that she needs to be executed for the last six years yeah wait she's
out now or she's getting out she's getting out in May in May yeah yeah moving
to Bethesda according to a tweet I saw is she yeah dude she should go to see
she's she's been in prison that long your life is ruined oh once you've been
in solitary confinement that long your life is so it's like lost your mind you
might as well just kill them I mean I'm serious your life there's no way you're
gonna fix that person you're gonna be in therapy the rest of your life I mean
I approach everything like it's a band-aid that needs to be ripped off I
think that's the case this is the GTA mindset yeah yeah when you like when you
scratch the car on the mission and yeah yeah fuck it you put a sticky bomb on
the car that's exactly what I do even if it's one where you don't have to keep
the car nice if I fuck if you fucking cut me off in traffic and fucking
it up then I'm entering cheat codes I'm just murdering police officer and
deleting my save phone I mean they kept Mandela in pretty awful conditions for
35 yeah but I mean the man was a terrorist I don't know if he was a
threatening South African way of life this is what I love he was it's there you
guys lose the Nazi listeners Jesus I don't know if he was a terrorist but I
know I know that he was he was very annoying apparently he used to when he
was at restaurants ask like how big the thing was that he was ordering he wouldn't
tip he was very annoying deserved it yeah what's wrong with asking how big the
thing you're ordering I don't know I was told yesterday when I was at dinner that
it was incredibly kikey of me to be like you did that yeah I wait wait you were
asking really a story about you were asking about the size of the waiter's
dick that you ordered because you're gay no I was asking how big the bowl of
pasta was that's a good question because you know at some places they have an
endless bowl of pasta like in our garden and you go in use promo code
come town off the unlimited breadsticks bread and salad yeah Adam is right like
you should ask how big it is I would do that too my grandfather got into his
screaming match at Bob's big boy one time because he ordered something on the
menu but was looking at the wrong picture hell yeah and the picture had three
sausage links and the thing you ordered clearly had to hell yes and he's like I'm
not paying for this whole meal because they and they had to like bring him an
extra sausage link on a plate awesome it's tiny fucking piece of shit sausage
link that he didn't want in the first place my grandfather on my mom's side
lived till 90 and he spent probably half of the latter part of his life doing
shit yeah that's favorite thing to do what prolongs life you know it's second to
stem stales is just complaining and harassing customer service employees he
and my dad were the same they would both order from this Chinese restaurant our
neighborhood that because they knew they would fuck it up because they would get
to go on the phone and yell at them hell yeah dude my friend Tommy's grandfather
used to bring his own bread and wine to restaurants just that weren't by any
reason olive oil it got to the point where he was bringing like most of the
meal that's not even a thing that you could do in the 50s that's not like he's
just old school like that you know pulling his dick out at the dinner table
I'm just an old school I love those guys man they're all about to be those guys
if this is the first time ever yeah it's not a type of guy no it is a type of
no it's not bread and wine who else do you fucking know that brings their own
bread those guys at Dunkin Donuts when we were they did not bring their own bread
and wine yeah but they would three old men having a conversation one of them
happened to be stealing napkins it's completely different than bringing his
own bread and wine to the rest I love those guys man I'm an old school guy
I'm old school I bring my own fucking waiter yeah I wrote my own app to place
my order and I installed it on the computers here by hacking into your
wife outside the restaurant I'll be just old school like that yeah I'm old school
I'm getting my own permits to open a restaurant hey I automated you and tie
your fucking workforce on my own so now it's not I don't need anybody else here
at this build a bit except me you can scram toots has anyone made a joke about
never mind yeah do it no no no no about build a bear in the Build-a-Burg group
that's probably happen that's sad I do it though I was just asking if someone's
made a joke about you mean anyone on earth yeah probably someone else probably
you know I stopped googling puns to see if they've been done already because for
sure they have yeah they definitely I tweeted Jason porn the other day oh like
Jason born yeah just the only thing you remember is how to beat off there's no
way that that joke wasn't made 10 years ago I don't know that maybe dude that's
yours dude there's no way there's no way Jason or to Google that's actually the
joke that Stephen Colbert told at the White House Press Correspondent Center
that made like caused a media blackout like this is too far how about this
Jason born and they shut it all down did that happen did Colbert was there
yeah well that's when he did the in front of Bush he was like talking about
judging with your guts or something yeah I did a whole thing about WMD's and
shit yeah it was in 2006 so people are like this is our Mandela yeah but yeah
anyway then Obama went on to do the same thing as in Colbert right and they
were like Obama like a boss should we talk about that should we talk about
that Hillary if Hillary won campaign or is that gonna step on you guys gonna
discuss that on your phone probably not yeah yeah I want to talk about it as soon
as possible everyone found this fucking Hillary yeah if she won what was it I'm
still with her yeah it was like alternative was it the list of her
cabinet no you're not talking about the list of her cabinet that leak it was
like African-American that was fucking awesome some kind of black guy a
colored fella Howard Schultz from Starbucks one of those guys that brings
his own wine and bread to a restaurant you know everyone knows what I'm talking
about one of those guys everybody knows that guy I may not be Sir Arthur Conan
Doyle but for my cabinet I want an Orient Express
no it's like an alt it's like it's you know because they're making those like
you know alt fucking Bernie yeah but this one is like you know alt president
and it's like here's what would have happened if Hillary was yeah and it's
like just had a lunch with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler sending Bill to go get me
Kit Katz like literally yes Queenie as bad it's like a parody of itself the
reason I mean all the bill things were like bills doing my pinterest but
really it should be like Bill is raping again
Bill is on the Lolita Express well in Thailand I mean I would just love because
first of all this Raiden Yemen would have happened with Hillary absolutely not
not ground troops they would just drop off no this was planned before Trump was
present was it yeah this isn't something it wasn't Trump wrote it out in crayon and
gave it to the troops he drew the troops killing first of all baby find figure
out wherever the white at the White House refrigerator is put this on there
look gonna put Baron's name on it nobody criticizes me now look if you guys
get a 10 kill streak you get it drawn 30 you get a nuke okay we're putting
Treyarch in charge of special forces man but yeah no response to that had it
been the other way had she won oh yeah yeah it would have sucked dude I would
have been just as jaded I feel I feel great now it wouldn't it would be better
for the world it would have probably I mean it's far preferable to have like a
fucking evil but predictable and linear neoliberal man oh sure fucking psycho
yeah but I mean this the more that I think about it's like this rot was gonna
happen anyway yeah this is sort of the logical conclusion of our system like
it's fucking awful he won and we're in fucking awful shape but also like if
Hillary won she would have been a shitty president that everyone hated and
we would have gotten probably the same thing or even worse someone more
competent than Trump in four years yeah she would have lost to fucking Ruby or
someone in four years real bad and whatever yeah fuck dude I think I think
it's no I mean I think it's it's cool now I think everyone's getting woke well
it fucking sucks but like the normies are radicalized and that's pretty good
yeah chill dude you guys watching young pope I saw the whole thing I haven't
seen it I love it it's pretty good I only watched the first three did you see
Jude Law there's a there's a dubstep King Arthur I think it talks about a
little bit and Jude Law just plays the gay King a dubstep King no it's like a
it's like a Boslerman thing no it's a Guy Ritchie yeah like a guy Richie the
new King Arthur's guy King Arthur's got a Macklemore haircut and which is now a
fashy haircut right it's they got taken away from Macklemore which is that's
as big a contribution to society is a haircut that repopularized fascism so
take that white privilege part to well I actually Macklemore is Richard Spencer
yeah Macklemore got fat Richard Spencer featuring Ryan Lewis when I was in the
third grade I thought I was an Aryan because of my blood clarity when I was
in third grade I thought I couldn't say the word because I was white and then
my mom said go ahead and say it when I was in the third grade I went to Comic
Ping Pong boy yeah I don't know it looks cool though Jude Law Jude Law being a gay
villain is perfect dude just it's really well done because the show is so
campy and and queer because the institution itself is it's just like
it's it's mean gay gossip guys wearing dresses that are like lords and have
gold houses yeah it's like it's really well done how the tone of it is really
good they are flossed out dude Catholic there's so flossed out fucking chains and
shit they were at gold fucking robes I mean for I guarantee you me goes has a
lot of the same like clothing that like oh hell yeah a fucking a cardinal has
well those slippers are Versace right Gucci Versace at the red slippers I
want Gucci loafers dude to fucking the if you think about it the reform
nation was the first like culture war of modern European history era because
the Catholics who are the metrosexuals coastal elites and then you have Martin
Luther who is like a big fat guy with a bull cut and probably autism and he
rebelled against them by shitposting you have to read this you will not ban me
from comments just a beer nerd yeah I mean Martin Luther was such a piece of
shit that like his wife had to remind him to like empty his shit in his spot
because if he didn't he would just stay in his room writing posts yeah the way
phosphorus was invented or like discovered and I forget who the
scientists that did it no he was just collecting his piss and keeping it in the
basement for like months on end to do experiments of the zone piss and that's
how we discovered phosphorus and Howard essentially glow sticks oh from piss yeah
glow sticks are just piss wait well you create phosphorus by boiling urine that's
been like left in a basement for like 40 days what yeah you ferment piss and then
you boil it and then it boils down into phosphorus nice dude yeah hell yeah dude
I'm about to make my own glow sticks yeah you could that's like a fun bill
nye thing to do with your kids that's what's going on a common ping-pong is
the bill nye uncensored instead of dry ice they're just making glow sticks out
of piss instead of a little volcano the baking soda volcano do you guys ever
make a baking soda yeah that was such a gimme in the fucking science fair everyone
just make that volcano which by the way is not how volcanoes work no that's bad
science to teach kids it just looks like it yeah yeah yeah not even not even
really it doesn't have long yeah boy you gotta put food color in it yeah yeah
it's red food color so true how about how about you do it but then it's instead
of volcanoes it's the beauty of menstruation if I had a son I would I
would help him make that project just a big pushy make a huge pussy just science
fair with an exploding pussy and I'm like you know when they get mad be like
I'm sorry is there something discussing about women's bodies do you because I
will call Buzzfeed that's the that's the kid that's always like you know what
I'm gonna do when I'm older yeah become a breast implant doctor gynecologist
look at pussies all day long like an old ladies yeah
my ex-girlfriend was a receptionist at a guy knows you know whatever they're
called at one of those whole clinics and a jiffy lube she worked at the gash
repairs the gas station she worked at Clamaco cl double-a
MCO at the boys double-a boys so she's a fucking Pat boys yeah yeah so she
worked there and she was telling me that old ladies would have to come in
because I guess you get old enough and you know your shit loosens up and if you
go over like a speed bump or maybe riding an elevator that goes a little
too quickly your cervix will just fall completely out of your pussy holy shit
you have to go to the gynecologist to have them stuff it back in he's just
punching it oh my god I like hold still it gets a broom handle we were we were
like having a Snapple Cap reset we were really not meant to live as long as we
do no yeah but especially women right thanks man boys boys chat podcast that
it's it you won't hear about any man's gonads falling out of his ass when he
gets older well your balls do get really far I mean you know they go low you've
seen those men I saw it today yeah yeah he's looking really nice man yeah those
shits were low yeah low hangers I got low hanging balls just generally oh yeah
I can't even imagine as an old man what'll happen yes I think I mentioned
this before that two separate women have specifically called my balls cool and I
don't know what to make of that cool yeah that means that your dick sucks so
fun I know that they have to compliment your balls they won't even lie to you
about your fucking yeah all it means I have a little dick there's something so
obvious about whose size you should be complimenting you just skipped right over
yeah wow you have a yeah well your asshole is so normal yeah if I was like
wow look at those big juicy pussy lips that is an immaculate taint yeah yeah
that's just calling like a baby you're like well at least your baby's healthy
love how big the space in between your tits is fuck we need to bring body
shaming back folks no no okay no dude we got a body pause man that's the thing
everybody's doing these what Steve Bannon looks like jokes and you look at
him and he might actually be objectively one of the ugliest people I've
ever seen in my life oh yeah it's like I can't even yeah I would say I feel bad
I think all I think all bodies are beautiful yeah yeah I mean DC is also
just filled with freak shows Matt Glacius is a normal-looking person oh yeah
he's a normal-looking like he looks like Matt Glacius looks like that fucking
hot air balloon massacre that happened last year when all those balloons ran
into each other oh the fucking parade yeah I wasn't afraid he's 90% foopa
there's a Texas yeah there was a Texas hot air balloon like fiasco really yeah
it was a huge story like fucking like 30 people died what the fuck I never heard
about yeah it was like maybe three or four months ago pile up yeah we're doing
our hot air balloon race to protest Sharia law we're gonna fly a balloon in
the shape of the Bible and the shape of the Quran to make a point well they drew
Muhammad on the balloon and then Muhammad himself struck it down yeah no
that definitely happened in Texas let me see I don't remember that shit at all
dude I'm definitely looking it up right now I can't believe I haven't heard of
this holy shit I just like I thought you were talking about when when they do
balloons for a parade and they're deflating them and they just look like
they're eating each other's asses because it's like spider-man eating yeah
yeah hold on that's good shit Texas balloon massacre you know that's some
good shit oh fuck all right let's see what do we got yeah I was trying to look
at a pilot that the worst yeah pilot deadly Texas balloon crash had drugs in
his system oh man do you know what that guy sounds cool as shit you should be
played by Matthew McConaughey movie about that tragedy that should be the
real story I just I just love balloons and I love ketamine if there's two
things I love in life it's ketamine and driving my fucking balloon he killed it
says he killed 15 people and himself oh yeah just a long way of saying you
killed 16 but yeah yeah holy shit that's gotta be the deadliest hot air
balloon incident of all time I would just I would love the I would love to
see a hot air balloon like fly into the freedom tower
I like it bounces off and actually crashed into the mosque
bad terrorism is the funniest thing that's like four lines was so good yeah it's
Chris Morris right yes yeah is that the guy from what's it called he's a guy
with a fucked up skin that was the day today yes yeah have you ever watched
clips of that oh he's incredible it's like the it was like a much better I
think I've already gone through everything I've seen and read on the
podcast already I'm out of cultural references um what about um let's see
here what about elite a league of their own I've actually never seen a league
of their own really yeah I don't think you know what I confused it always with
major league so I assumed oh yeah major league's good also it's okay I'm not a
huge fan it isn't that like the biggest alt right guy on Twitter uses what's
his name he's gone they kicked him off they did they yeah yeah yeah the dude they
used Charlie sheen yeah Charlie sheen's major league character is that guy would
be alright that guy that guy the guy who's that the alt right guy he was the
biggest fucking Carl Dickler fan in the world really I'm not getting yeah he
loved every and like sometimes like in the primary you'd be like all right
these guys also shit on the media so like maybe they would find this funny too
but even the stuff that was like kind of apolitical like the dumb jokes we would
write about like Carl going to like family family court like this is
hilarious and we were like we were like this is our OSS we're gonna make all the
Nazis autistic yeah I just found out that the prison planet guy is British
ball Joseph Watson weird when you first actually watch one of his yeah yeah yeah
and it you know cuz you see his face avatars hilarious so funny it doesn't
look like him at all no not at all and you assume he's an American cuz like he
doesn't talk about British shit yeah you watch his videos and he's like the
problem with these fellas he looks like a geek squad member he's like the
biggest Instagram thought type dude he looks like he's in a Tom Clancy movie
with that shit I don't know this guy at all Paul what's his name something
prison plan is in plan and Paul Paul Blart prison cop fuck yeah I mean he
sucks this the Stefan guy also sucks really bad too oh dude have you ever
read the bio on his website he looks like he looks like a shitty like a like
a skinny Louis CK sort of right he has this by on his website where it's like
oh that he got raped no it was not even that he got raped he was like in 1963
in innocent and beautiful boy was born about himself right and he was
subjected to systematic torture humiliation and imprisonment but that's
what it took to birth one of the world's greatest geniuses oh and later you
find out it's Albert Einstein he's talking about that boy grew up to be
Marine Todd later you find out he's talking about getting circumcised no
like that's entirely laser wait I ran into those guys once in DC on the way
to a capital lounge that show on Capitol Hill and they were they were
protesting male genital mutilation and I walked up to them and I was like well
you know Jewish I didn't have a say in it so like I never knew what that was
like and it was the weirdest cross-section of society it was like
it was like a like a really angry old Queenie guy really was like they're
taking the four skins off the babies he's mad there's some dick he can't
suck yeah yeah and then like some like and then like a like a small like
Korean dude and like it was just like the strangest conglomeration that is a
fun yeah and then group and then so I asked them I was like what do I do so
they're they're like yeah you have an objectively worse dick there's no there's
that I was like is there anything I could do they're like yeah there are
reattachment options really yeah but they'll I'll never regain the full
sensitivity of a foreskin but I could get cosmetic surgery cosmetic foreskin
really attached yeah yeah yeah I dude I want that like I'm sort of a
circumcision extremist where I think boys should have their entire penis cut
off place into my mouth that's what I want my off but in your mouth the best
thing is you're not actually sucking them off yeah you just want to open your mouth you get under it like a
baby bird I have them snipping snipping I remember middle school that's like your
mouth and kid told me that I got the mama bird feeding the worm you just
swallow it whole yeah like a key that I'm trying to keep from there's this
juggalo kid in my PE class and after 9 11 in like ninth grade he goes up to be
he's like he's like you're Jewish right and I'm like yeah he's like well it
doesn't that mean you don't you don't have a dick oh yeah I was like no I have
it I love what they're teaching him a juggalo school that's why they fucking
bomb the Twin Towers sing hi and I was like all right I'll sit I'll talk to you
later yeah I mean yeah that's why Muslims bomb the Twin Towers is because
Adam doesn't have a dick no Israel bomb the Twin Towers because they're mad that
they don't have they made it look like it was it was such a bad dick it's so
little of it you know actually in the Hellenic period of the Hebrew Hellenic
period where Alexander the Great the Macedonians had possession of ancient
Israel they golden years the best years there was a Hellenization period where
they would sort of like you know cultural erasure of Judaism yeah they would
like for Jews to become full citizens they would have to re-circumstize they
would have to like attach foreskin back on their dick yes like imagine the
fucking kind of surgery methods they had back oh my god I was literally I mean
how would you even do it just pretty good surgery back then oh yeah it's great
skin yeah no that I mean the Greeks had a treponing you know they could peel
your fucking scalp back and cut a hole in your skull to reduce like brain
swelling that's pretty complicated that must have fucked your shit up right no
we still do that now really yeah damn if the brain is swelling to reduce like
pressure on the brain you remove part of the skull and pull like a metal cap over
it damn yeah they did that in Deadwood too oh yeah the Greeks knew about that
shit oh yeah yeah yeah we knew about all type of shit well that's the shit you
come up with when your dick so small that you have to be smart no that's a
different reason that's like that's the Greek national anthem no dude if your
dick is small you have to be smart because that is our situation by the way
our dick size is small and we showed them off propaganda we showed everyone our
small dicks in the statues and then we didn't realize that that wasn't a normal
size okay look listen absolutely I cannot defend the size of dick on our
statues the rest of the world there was one guy who's gonna make a
statue who had a really little dick the rest of us had a nice size dick so the
Roman solar culture except for the tiny dick part that's why they won the
Nazis like fancy themselves like neoclassical like a like a neoclassical
like the new Roman Empire so they built a lot of these or they constructed a lot
of these like Roman style architecture buildings and then they a lot of these
statues and Hitler was obsessed with having proportional penises on the on
the statues like a smaller penis on the statue because he wanted to promote the
the classical that the Jew had a disproportionate penis larger penis
what yeah dude that used to be the thing that Jews had big nicks no dude in the
night what like a hundred years ago Hitler believe that I'll hitler just
owned himself so hard because the micropeen dude a hundred years ago well
that's where like the black guy thing comes from is from like you know races
doing the same thing here right well but and also yeah it's not true they have
little dick no but yet actually an ancient Greece that's right now I'm
remembering it there was like you were made fun of for having a big dick like
there was like they said you like a monkey your pride this was the God of
having a dick that was too large oh yeah yeah and what is it disease pride
prism is named after him after he just looks like stave with like a huge yeah
drawing of him and he's got like a fucking wheelbarrow that carries his
dick around he had Athena's back walls this is this is the real hardcore
history yeah so this is how they would fuck there's a guy who listened to our
last premium who is very upset about our misrepresentation of Rommel and then I
said how did we do it and then he wouldn't tell me how but he said that he
got so fucking pissed off why would you fucking let him get yeah Rommel was
respected Patton loved Rommel no he said that Rommel wasn't respected by who I
don't know I don't know I think he might be a chopper guy actually but who
cares our guys are guys aren't really like the World War two Patton guys
they're not maybe it's we got a lot of like you know civil war kids you and
Matt was a civil war kid and you got guys like me most of our fans are guys
like me who know about one thing and it makes everyone think they're smart but
they're actually I actually don't know that yeah my thing is I know I know a
handful of things about you know power tools yeah and then yeah but and then
where shit is at Home Depot and then that's it I don't even have any
expertise anymore I feel stupid as shit I used to know like a few things but now
I don't know shit dude I literally and I don't even like yeah like I like 30 rock
yeah I don't know what to talk about like what my interests are I don't have
I don't fucking care about it yeah no I mean 90% of my life now as I watch
something that everyone else is watching and I go as fucking sucks yeah that's it
that's my entire personality that's I'm navigating I don't even watch it
I sit through conversation people like as fucking stupid and then it tricks a
couple people and they're like oh this is insightful you know that's really all
you do what I do is now you know I play GTA 5 hell yeah me too pain momentarily
pause it to answer DMs where people are like have you read this and then me just
because I'm seeing the question have you read no but I'm going to never have
never read anything just told me to yeah I don't think I've read a non-fiction
book in the last ten years all I read was that Hannah our rent book that you
guys were snoring when I was trying to tell you about in the pocket yeah I
mentioned again bitch wait did you see that Pierce Morgan owned owned tried to
own someone on Twitter for like that was insulting him and he was like yo
incredibly ugly and her avat the person's avatar was a picture of head
aren't that was my friend Emmett and it rents that was you know I had Emmett
Rensen yeah he does he will admit this he himself does kind of look like a
rock around yeah yeah he like made fun of a of a dead woman what uh what's up
with Pierce what why do you have a career he's Trump and he's anti-gun what
why does he why did he get to have didn't he have Larry King show after you
get what went yeah retired yeah yeah why they gave it to him he's just some
British guy he's a tabloid who needs to come back they should reboot Max
Headroom yeah that was that America needs Max Headroom right now who is that
it was a show of weird robots it was a fuck what's that actor's name he's a
character actor but it was like a computer generated is like the world's
first computer-generated TV host but that would be a thing that you could
reboot never gonna be on board with it you know yeah but you got now Max had
your mess to show off his titties you gotta have spanned down and then you see
he's got a big old juicy
I don't know man I never watched fucking Max Headroom yeah I'm just trying to keep
this one going I feel like I'm about to pass out I've got a brain parasite yeah
what's wrong with you dude I don't know man I'm just I got a cold or something
I've had a bad you know it's just a fuck it's just a kind of cold did you do it
today the 31st you haven't no I haven't cuz I gotta call them and he's not
getting held in yeah I'm not getting held in come on man the fans are depending on
it's really easy to get it through like Oscar that's what I have I've
catastrophic okay yeah it's like that means if you're like fucking yeah if
you're fucking heart blow if you need like a triple bypass you only have to
pay 80 million dollars for it instead of 90 million dollars yeah wow that's a
no way more than that dude it's like 350 dollars catastrophic no no mine's
only 160 okay but what's your deductible seven million dollars yeah I mean
yeah it's it's bullshit look I'm gonna be honest I mostly did it because so like
my family would stop yelling at me about not having health insurance yeah my
parents really now that I think about it this is stupid I really should have
just lied yeah yeah absolutely yeah you can get group bonds for a dentist
apparently it's like cheaper than health insurance yeah I know what's gonna
happen is they're gonna fucking nobody's gonna have health coverage and the
markets will adjust because of libertarianism and eventually going to
the doctor to get a heart transplant will cost 50 dollars and you'll need a
group of you know because the markets are perfect market will never let
anyone die it's never happened think about all the wars in history they all
happen because of regulation regulation regulation I would actually
be a red tape to fuck hotter women if it weren't for regulation that's my god because they made rape illegal
regulation that's regulation my dick is my business it's my dick LLC as long as
you register it as a business entity it should be allowed to rape my dick is an
escort so I love business dude I like I saw one of those and cap guys like the
libertarian super libertarian guys yeah he was like giving his theory he was
doing one of these tweet storms that everyone fucking does because of the
game theory guy now but he was like you know what and relationships work a lot
like a business if you do twice what your employer expects of you they'll fear
you and wonder how to keep you and it's like no they won't yeah I I suddenly
have a strong memory of bill at game stop I talked about his fucking he was
working just getting taken advantage of by that corporation and I'm there with
him and it's fucking you know seven o'clock in the morning and he's fucking
ladder doing some shit and I'm like bill why do you work all these hours he's
like well I'm only obliged 45 hours a week but when my employers see me
working 73 hours they tell me you know you're doing a great job and I'm like
that doesn't translate to more money yeah we're fucking raised and he was like
well when they tell me you know this you know there's gonna be good things in
store for you I'm like bill they don't promote from store manager right you
have to have a fucking degree to become a district manager it's just never you
there's no reason you to do this at all yeah it's like a guy getting a job as a
janitor in the Senate and he's like I'm gonna work my way he wants to be like
the lieutenant winters of GameStop yeah I mean that like that's libertarian is
being a libertarian is just being a cuck for business absolutely dude it's
trusting business like business will fuck your ass the Nestle guy wants to
make water says it's not a human right to have water well it's also to is like
you know it doesn't even need to be big business if you look at like you know
all this emphasis on small businesses or whatever and how small businesses get
fucked over as if small businesses and as much or not more so devoid of fucking
empathy is busy big businesses there's some of the shittiest people I've ever
worked for we're like a guy that owned like one franchise right yes of a
restaurant you figure out any fucking way to cheat you on your paycheck I do
with a smile on his face because you know we're all in this together it's like
really because no I you're not paying for my health insurance I'm making 550 an
hour you know it's they they'll fuck you over they would pay you that's why a
minimum wage exists those motherfuckers would pay you nothing they would make
more dangerous more than a fucking servant if they could hundred percent the worst job I ever had was
working for a small business yeah just as far as treating me the shittiest and
I look like every fucking four years every asshole Democrat that wears the
same car heart hunting jacket that he does anything but fucks kids and pizza
restaurants and every Republican does the same thing to print and like he's
in flying the lily lily to express they stumble around Iowa and talk about how
heroic small businesses are like they're not just all things that happened
because someone did cocaine and had a plan to exploit people you know one of
the best jobs I ever had working for the government man yeah yeah yeah you show
up late they don't fucking care they don't never get fired you know the scam of
the Republican Party though sorry but the scam is is that they believe in
small government so they say they want to get rid of like civil service but what
they do is they just farm it out to private contractors that they pay like
three times more dude you know how much yeah like fucking Deloitte fucking
companies like that oh they just rip off the government about the tax
fucking hilarious my friend worked there and he was like hey you want to come
this happy company happier and I was like oh no I can't he's like yeah it's
totally free there's food and all the fucking booze free and I was like oh
bummer I can't once I was like was it like a holiday thing or something's like
now that's every Friday free booze and free fucking food just because it's all
on the government's diamond shit oh hundred percent yeah he worked for the
I want to say NSA or some shit like that I was a contractor for the NSF I
worked for the Peace Corps in college when I was a GW I worked in the Office of
Medical Services and it was sick I was just I would go through I was basically
filing for them but I would go through all the workers comp claims in the Peace
Corps I was just reading about all the ways that people get fucked up on the
Peace Corps it was it was fucking amazing there's so much fun well the
best thing about federal jobs is that they like understand that if there's
not something to do you don't have to do anything no getting your money until
there's something to do and fucking there's no jobs like that every fucking
bullshit job you work that like you know you you work at retail you work in fast
food they you know you say well when there's nothing to do just find something
to make yourself look busy it's like why why the fuck what yeah no you
scheduled me for these hours I did my job already you should be praising me
on my fucking efficiency right just continue to pay me until five o'clock
and they just they can't do that I mean I was working a temp job one time at the
lower Colorado River Authority which is some fucking bloated Oregon is a I don't
know what the fuck it's a government organization maybe partially I think
it's like half private owned or whatever and yeah yeah before that shit bitch and
yeah it just fucking sat there all day doing absolutely nothing and it was
totally fun oh no the Peace Corps people and I mean while a game stop when I
worked at GameStop I would have to alphabetize the fucking DS games just
so they would be ruined by children in like 20 seconds one time there's no
reason why do they need to be in alphabetical order was 30 just look at
them none of them are behind each other just fucking look at them and find the
one you want well the customers can't use their eyes I don't have to have
everything in alphabetical my boss my boss right now my job is the only boss
I've ever respected she rules I mean she's just a partner at a law firm that
like smokes a ton of tree I remember my fucking it when I worked for a UMBC I
worked in the filing I worked in the office of the graduate school and my
boss was just this fucking awesome fat lady named Kathy and she just had like
diabetes yep absolutely 100% had diabetes but she just didn't funny is
getting HIV sharing diabetes needles that kind of needle sharing with your
other like cookie junkies yeah dude she was awesome she had like she had she had
Kathy fucking her name's Kathy she had Kathy cartoons everywhere and she had
like her base her best bit was she had oh yeah just filing in the inbox and she
had a sign that said inbox and it pointed to the trash yeah that's which is
literally a Michael Scott joke yeah but whatever dude yeah she was awesome yeah
that's the office in the sorry but the office nailed that shit absolutely those
kind of guys 100 the one thing that bothered me about the office is that no
corporate HR would ever allow that individual to be a boss of any individual
when I worked at the car dealership my fucking the manager of the used car
sales was this guy Chuck and Chuck all we all worked in like a double wide
trailer with all these cubicles in it yeah and Chuck called every Zika all
right team meeting everybody out here you know we go out into like the common
area he's like sir I just I got to read you all this email that I got this is
a what a woman says and what she means
and he's like you know we all got work to do and it's like you know so it's like
when she says yes she means no you know she says I'm tired it means like you're
not getting any tonight and it's like the most trite bullshit like 70 years
prior to the invention of email but he loved chain emails and he would print
them out he wouldn't just send them to the rest of us he would print them out
and then read to us yes and I remember I was sitting there and one time and he's
like so you know he's like oh I got to tell you this one I heard the other day
he's like so there's a they find a bomb it's a dirt well it's not a bomb it's
like a box with a bunch of wires coming out of it or something right and there's
a Muslim guy there and so they send one police officer in and he's like all
right well you know hands up you can't have like a bomb in here or whatever but
wow I'm messing up because it's not well I don't know man I'm telling you it was
great there is no more information that was it he didn't have anything on that
fucking joke the worst place I ever worked was I can't say the name of the
company because part of the severance package after getting fired because my
girlfriend cucked me for my best friend anyway but Adam worked in blackwater I
worked at a company I worked at a media company what's what are called now is
it's still Z academy oh yeah they change your name like nine times yeah yeah
because they want to trick people to think it's not black water dipping dots
this is the new black yeah I hope that Betsy DeVos just lets black water take
over the Department of Education that'd be cool but you are a permanent
tension I'm commander teacher you little cock sucker yeah now they should give
the fucking Department of Education to blackwater and then your class gets you'll
be period one Jim period two Jim Jim just paintball class dude anyway awesome
you get a better education if you they just taught children tactical combat
which they kind of start doing in kindergarten I don't understand why any
four-year-old needs to know what stop dropping role is kindergarten like
fucking jungle Jim shit that's everything I've ever seen an LK yeah exactly
monkey bars like kindergarten is like yeah you learn the basics here's like you
know the alphabet here's what you do if you're on fire you know here's the proper
way to hold scissors if you're running with them yeah I remember during Bush
they were showing us those al-Qaeda videos and they were just playing fucking duck
duck goose and shimmers must be afraid of them why do they do monkey bars how
useful is that is it just a very well the infidel could never catch you they
don't know you know it's to have fun that's the first rule of al-Qaeda
yeah there's like an impromptu number one rule is be nice respect the bar the
work but anyway the worst the worst job I ever had was when I worked for those
new one of those new media companies that had like FIFA and like video game
consoles and snacks and all that shit because like I was the new guy in the
office and everyone at five o'clock would start be start drinking IPA's and
stuff from hell and playing FIFA I was like oh this is cool and then I'd like
go up to them meekly because I was new and I'd be like can I can I have a turn
playing and they'd be like there's not enough controllers I was like oh god I'm
back in fucking third really yeah yeah because probably everyone that worked at
this media company was is emotionally I'm gay from no one liking them at that
time oh 100% now now I have this big media company and I can exclude the
other kids people never grow out of that shit especially not people in media of
who are their kids he's at the front of the class and reminded everybody of
homework they're that for their entire fucking life they're just snitches yes
dude those fucking companies that's what that's what the place I used to work
we're a fun kind of company everyone stays till nine because this is where
they have fun it's like real friends right tight shit with like drugs and
stuff yeah yeah I don't drink IPA's you fucking losers yeah that's just it's
just a trick to get you to work what was all what was the remember in the like
early 2008 90s like the office of the future always included people doing
razor scooters down the hallway oh my god yeah razor scooters and then sitting
on the fucking yoga balls everyone has those balls my friend like my friend
who's a reporter he got invited to go to BuzzFeed's main office and he comes in
there and Ben Smith is the EIC at the time just gave him a tour around the
office while riding a segue and he wasn't even like trying to recruit him
or anything he was just trying to show him like cool now or something is again
that is you know all these media people did you read that thing I think it was
in the New York Times at like the story about Mike the Mike offices oh yeah yeah
where there was like you know they're like they're all millennials or whatever
it's like one girl was complaining to the CEO because something was cultural
appropriation in the office or something along those lines and some will
complain they're like a month later she was fired
different reasons yeah I love that shit it's still just bros but they just have
fucking yeah more tech and shit around yeah they're like yeah they're like what
Felix that they're fucking losers that get to finally be the bros like the
the cock of the walk right right and then they're like yeah they're fucking
dorks there and bros get mixed in there I feel like bros are insidious dude
bros are everywhere the best salesman the best salesman of the dealership was
his bro who had just gotten out of jail for attempted murder yes which the
story was he was at some party and like this was he was one of those guys that
like he goes to parties to get into a fight hell yeah you know I love that
they're like yeah we're going to this fucking this you know this banging party
later and this dude Mike's gonna be there so me and my boys are gonna fuck
him up every night fight you have to have with somebody me and my boys are
gonna get super pissed tonight I guess so him and this other guy yeah the
story was it's something like with a sock with like a master locks in it and he
bashed some fucking dudes at him with the sock no well that's why they got him
with like a attempted murder and I guess he did two years for for that he was
like such a nice guy you know he just loved to fight he was the best salesman
at the dealership and he didn't know shit about the fucking cars either I love
that you crushed it yeah because people will be like yeah look at a car it's
like whatever you need bro I fucking got you like what kind of SUVs do you have
he's like I don't know the answer to that but I'll get back to you just that
positivity just that fucking oh yeah that place is great we sold we sold
navigators Lincoln navigators back when those were hot yeah yeah over and there
would be lots of guys that would come in it would be like you know a 17 year old
it's like I got $19,000 in cash
let's get this quick let's make this sale quick so I don't remember your face
yeah you make this sale like a robbery you I'll lay down and I won't look at you
just leave the night in grand yeah dude I love that dealership there is this
there's this Pakistani guy that worked there there was like the fucking funniest
dude in the world and there's this one time or this woman wanted we had on a
lot this like Jaguar S type that this black woman came in that she wanted to
buy and she was clearly trans like clearly trans and fucking I forget the
fucking dude's name I'll just call him Vikram because I can't yeah but he was
like man look how far she is so fucking hot man you know that's a man right I
mean that's not yeah you know this like a I mean this is before you know people
were sensitive about what fucking mis-general yeah she mailed she mailed
people like that's a fucking she mailed it's still she mailed in porn that's the
last like yeah it's still like on the tabs it's still labeled she mailed when
anyhow so he keeps saying he's like he's saying like oh yeah I want this I want to fuck on yourself
she is such a fat ass she saw like a man would not have an ass like that
he's like saying all that shit and then they get her you know her idea to fucking
run it for the the test driver whatever of course it says sex M you know in the
idea and fucking the finance guy this guy wants laughing at him he's like you
wanted to have sex with a man and then the guy just gets pissed and like he
just looks at him he's like mother fucker look at you you're like nine ten
months pregnant like you fat piece of shit look at you good for fucking
Vikram dude yeah it was fucking hilarious getting down with some us a
trans woman I wish I kept that job longer just for the culture oh yeah do it for
the culture yeah and in retrospect I feel like I got enough out of it so you
know probably well that's gonna be it folks thank you for joining us folks yeah
and thank you Felix this was yeah thank you for having me on guys looks for being
on this was a BDF what's BDF feel oh yeah all right well you want to hit that
button over there I got you home boys come to our shows yeah we on the 21st
at carolines and the 28th at or 27th at come on everybody we'll plug it again
all right bye you guys