The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - 39

No, and we're starting the podcast without Adam We replaced Adam Shuts out the pity Yeah, yeah, yeah, our show Peaty's here. Yeah, I remember you guys listen to the Live show Peaty from a live show is joining us Peaty. How do you say it that brow? The Abru the Abru how key is I know we're both with both of our names boy both Greek names Yeah, we're both Greek American man Abru. I don't know. Well, actually, it's uh, it's Portuguese Okay, and the D is like the of the yes, and the brave is the town I guess, okay?

So you're PDA, but I was like the king who was just fucking everybody was like, you know you of yeah You had dibs you had prima noctis, right? Yeah, that means a bronze worker. It was that prima noctis shit. That's like some bullshit from it's fake for sure Yeah, yeah, where a lord could just fuck your wife on your wedding night. Yeah, I love those. I love how it's your wedding night You're right. Well, it doesn't even come a couple weeks after Braver's did so it's like JFK where it's a movie that's fucking great, but like completely inaccurate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, historically That's yeah, I love Braveheart though. Yeah, I like that. What's the real story? The real story is that Wallace he was a guy that lived in the 1980s, and he was the first Scottish guy to get AIDS

And Mel Gibson saw that and he was like, but what if he was a guy that fought the British? Yeah, all that. Yeah. Yeah, so that wearing dresses became kilts and then instead of carposes sarcoma lesions on his face It was the blue paint Jesus Christ. That was so smart for me. Thanks Like oh fuck. Yeah, dude. I get to be the smart guy on the show Love that shit. Did you see Braveheart? Yeah, do you like it? Yeah, I sure was gangster. I fucking love that movie Yeah, I wish you beat the British. I don't know the implication that he like fuck the Queen of France It's some Scottish retard from the woods

Fuck the Queen of France She cheated on the King. He's got that good dick dude. He's got that good Scotsman dick. I like it cuz everyone in that was uncircumcised You know they were Everybody had their Sewn back on It's an affront to did you run Hollywood? I appreciate that. What if you never like You ever like of course you have you fucking squeeze your dick and make it look like it has foreskin Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have I'm I'm I'm

And I imagine a different life where I have my foreskin How different it you could be so what's up with the foreskin doesn't make you curthier? I Like I think it's a visual aid. It makes your dick soft and three-quarters hard look bigger, you know It because you're I think your brain Adds a head where there is no head. It looks like an extra long shaft I think it's cool cuz like when it gets harder looks like your dick's taking his jacket off I have a fucked up dick where it pubes on the top you get like a Canada goose Yeah, my dick is so

$1,500 by the shit in Soho 8,000 counts My dick is fucked up though. I might think only goes my head pops out half It's like it's wearing a so you can't see the full helmet Sometimes you can if I read if if she really gets you excited Yeah, it's it's interesting. Maybe if I'm really getting after it really going in there nicely or if it's a very I don't know It's like a turtleneck, but when you accidentally try to put your head through one of the sleeves exactly Yeah, you can only see the top. I'm always crowning

Which is an issue actually I can't believe I'm bringing up again double. Yeah, but I talked about Milner On the other part if you pull the foreskin back and then get hard that works and sometimes that happens But then it it's restrictive around the right before the oh, so it fucks so exactly. It's like a little bit of a it's like a rubber band It's too tight Too tight for skin. I know but I don't want to get sure get a circumcision Results just become trans dude. That's your right. I'm half way there already You could probably use the extra skin and make a pussy out of what I wish I saw my foreskin So I get half removed and have like a two-faced it

I Flip a coin would you leave it like like vertically or horizontally? You have to go vertical. Yeah down the down the middle. Yeah, of course So you have the two-faced egg. Yeah two face. Do you want to cut are you gonna come and I just flip a coin? Yeah, she never comes. It's always had you want to know how I got these scars I don't know what two-faced says he's got a coin. I'm too very yeah, it's me to I think that's Two-faced Some shit yeah, they fucked his face. Yeah, he used to be a lawyer and then he

D.A. Yeah, and he got acid thrown on his face My only exposure is through the Batman animated series and ever read the comics best one see the Christopher Nolan joint I did yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Yeah, it was fine, but animated series I thought it was way overrated personally. It does not hurt one man. I'm at the beginning It doesn't Hollywood will hit on something and then they just carry it out to the bitter end Oh, yeah, and they just don't learn that like nobody has any interest in it anymore Well, I think the problem is you know how like so many shitty comics do Louie that now when you watch a Louis special You're like this is kind of

Ruin for me because like those are open. Those are open markers. Those aren't production companies million-dollar budgets I know but what I'm saying is so many people Swagger jacked the Nolan Batman that now you go back and see it and you're tired of gritty shit like that You're like, oh, everyone does this shit But it's not it's not their fault that everyone jocked their shit Then it kind of like takes it down a peg in my opinion I just thought it was a really strange message like the Bain character was like the Occupy Yeah, the Bain wasn't good the Bain wasn't good talking about the movie of the cartoon movie right now

Dark Knight Rises was great Batman Begins is okay. Yeah, that was like the best. Yeah, also just the first one was good Also, like props to him. He literally died. Yeah, you know, he was so hopped up Did you see the way his lip twitch all that fucking stupid Jared Leto shit where he's like Trucks, yeah, leto is trying to like upstage Heath Ledger with his Joker and it's like motherfucker. You better die Yeah, you better fucking die from this. That's the only way During production. Yeah, was it smack? Yeah And then it was always like because a year and a half before the movie came out They're like, oh Heath Ledger like sucked Will Smith's dick in the middle of the night. That's how crazy. He is. Oh now he's

Jared Leto. Oh, Jared Leto is making everyone listen to his shitty band. Yeah Yeah, he said them condoms and shit. Yeah, yeah, fuck Jared Leto and plus it doesn't even take 30 seconds to get to Mars guys. I'm sorry Take it takes light 30 minutes to get to Mars. That's where the name comes from. Oh That's pretty good. I think you talking about heroin What? Jared Leto 30 seconds to Mars. Yeah, the Mars Mars is in slang for Mars Now you're speaking jupiteria. Yeah Is Mars Mars is in slang for heroin? I don't think so. The weirdest one is

Dinosaur dinosaur Slang for I've never heard that. I've never heard that junk Junk is Charming bone and scramble or the terms to determine quality. What about horse that boy horse? Boy, I didn't know about boy. Got that boy. Cook is girl. Yeah. Oh Yeah, okay, wait girl dog food. Is that what I mean? Yeah, I didn't know dog food. Is that what the dat boy meme is about? It's some guy trying to find heroin On a unicycle. That's a frog addicted to heroin. That's how they sneak it in. That's how they sneak it in.

He's the plug, dude. Frogs, you gotta slice their stomach open and get it out. He sells he sells the blue tops off of that unicycle My love the wire when Stringer Bell's just going to economics class. Oh, yeah And he just changes up the fucking he's trying to be a real businessman And uh, what's his name fucking uh Evils like no fuck that yo That's like, but she's gay yo Fuck be a smart

He's supposed to hit niggas over the head Rough and tumble niggas. He said they were rough and tumble. I like I like that He was in stanfield had the same problem I love that episode we're stanfield like he's dressed up all night So if you're where he's coming from and then he just like sees that corner and he just takes his knife out Yeah, yeah, I found just goes and stabs those children. He's like, yeah, I still got it My name is my name. Yeah, you gotta prove that you got the juice still, you know The jew lawyer tries to make him go legit with the money and then he always trying to ruin something. Yeah. Sorry guys

Are you trying to ruin a show great? Big HBO drama in the in the vein of like, you know You know, sopranos or the wire Or, you know, uh board or a boardwalk empire, but it's just It's just the jew lawyer characters So it's a whole out. That's just all the jew lawyer landsmen. Is that his name? The jew lawyer. No, that's the cop jay landsman. That's the big fat guy. It looks like the dad from dinosaurs Yeah, and then he has that he's like a real balsamore guy that jay landsman. No, no, it's his interlocking

Uh, we talked about this before it's it's there's a guy named jay landsmen who plays The lieutenant to at the western Yeah, with bunny with bunny. He's the guy who has that super balsamore actions. Yeah, I don't know about this bunny Doesn't seem like to be a good plan Open-air drug market, but if you think it's a good idea might as well do it Yeah, that was landsman. That's the real landsman and the fat guy's just some fat guy who looks like a cop Well, also, I pretty sure landsman was the basis for the character munch who's played by belzer And belzer only plays detective munch on every show. Yeah, that's yeah. Yeah

What a sweet acting gig imagine like if You know you were an actor and you got one role and then you kept getting more roles and like, okay In this you play a doctor. You're like, no, I'm a detective While you're an actor you're supposed to Play different roles like no, I play a detective. My name is john munch And they're like, no, we have a script No, I play a guy named munch. No. Yeah, I somehow just I somehow flip the mediocre stand-in career into playing a policeman over and over again

How the fuck did that happen? I think no, I think I would do that like Hell yeah, I gotta be a hood dude. I couldn't be they should just replace. I stay with you Yeah I can't do the cops. Yeah, you're not it. Oh more of like I gotta be the dude half the audience to be like I think that's the same guy They would not skip a fucking beat Just practice your lisp, dude. That's all you gotta do. It's a scowl. You got to get How how could you fuck a little girl like that?

So violently I don't understand how you could fuck her in the mouth I Love it though. Rapper is like Acting careers are always so funny to me like at the fucking ice cube is like a family comedy actor Yeah, like the dude that made the song know vaseline is like now he's in movies where he has to get the kids to school on time It's awesome, which is the pot of four different movies. Are we there yet? Yeah? One two three and four Was he in daddy daycare? Probably. Yeah, I think he wrote daddy daycare

Him and dj poo wrote daddy daycare Uncle Luke's actually That would be so good. I feel like the key to making money and like Hollywood like that type of shit The more corner the more successful like if you could If you could use that muscle in your brain that creates corny ideas And be like I know what they want and just like you You What should we do? What should be the come-town corny ass?

Should we gotta get the kids? Should we adopt a child together? Yeah, that would be hilarious three of us and pd could be you could be his ethnic uncle You go we send our son up to the Bronx for wisdom. Yeah, we need a from broad street perspective That's just not corny enough. I want to do a show where it's like a like a white dude That feels bad about gentrifying so he lies his way into a teaching position to help inner city use But he doesn't know shit about teaching So he's just destroying the education system with good intentions Yeah, I thought that would be a fun show. Yeah, that's not bad. Yeah

Um, it's called it was called dangerous minds. Fuck off codder. Yeah Suck them off codder But who's it for? Yeah, who's it for? I don't know every comic every comic fucking they're like, well, I got this idea for a show It's four comics living in bed style and they're mad about you being gentrifiers and it's like no one in Illinois is gonna watch Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's crazy because I've been in like three of those Of course, dude, you're the black guy. So let's just run this by you You must be one of the go-to

I'm an open miker that writes the same exact jokes as everyone else in the city And here's my idea for a tv show that somehow in my head. I've convinced myself as original. Yeah, dude Even the wire though think about that. They had to get the rough and tumble dudes in the room and just talk and write down Yeah, yeah, all that shit and then yeah, well, I mean, yeah I mean David Simon was like a, you know, crime beat reporter. So he was with the Baltimore Sun. Yeah So, I mean he was Deeply entrenched in that world for 20 years or you know at least 15. Yeah, yeah And a lot of the other guys pelicanos was involved. Yeah, I remember some of them were actual cops

I I don't know. It was a real good fucking. Well, that's why the writing staff the night of at least the pilot was so good Because I think the guy who produced it and wrote it But it was like he was one of those wire guys and that's why it has that such a feel of realism and it's got Bodie Yeah, but the desperation You know Shut the fuck up. No crosstalk bitches It's adam swell. It's not yours. Yeah, it's adam adam should know better, but he doesn't You know you from Baltimore, right? No, I'm from Maryland though. Oh, so with that lake trout, though

You know about that shit lake trout. They talk about Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't know what it's about but every shitty like Carry out sells it. I've actually never had it. It's the chopped cheese of a Baltimore. What's chopped cheese? I should it's just a cheeseburger chopped up on a hero. Oh, okay. I see I hear people ordering it and I never You know, there's a williamsburg chopped cheese place now. That's like $11 Whole foods do that. They had that saw something. Oh my god bucks and whole foods Yeah, they're doing some shit like that. So it's just a cheeseburger. It's hamburger. Yeah, it's a cheeseburger on a fucking hero Okay, chopped up though. That could be all right with cheese our bodega. There's like a halal

So there's no meat or no pork. Oh, what? Yeah, it sucks. Hello, deli. They got pork Well, for them ours is just a shitty bodega because they don't have it. They don't have yeah Oh, you can get his turkey and chicken and it gets really fucking, you know what? Sucks. I'm gonna ban him. Are they yet in the back? Are they yet? Yo, fucking list true story on the way here. I'm on the train and like a muslim looking I'm racist. I don't know an indian fellow. Yeah I don't know what the fuck is that Indian looking fellow

Well, the only thing you can tell indian guys indian guys from wrestling because indian guys are usually smiling Well, yeah, okay. Okay. They're usually they have a smile on their face No matter what the bodega never smile. Yeah, but but not so I'm sitting there and the dude comes he's like Hey, man, is it cool if I sit down next to you? And in my mind like I'm coming from the Bronx. I don't ask nobody no fucking questions It's a fucking free seat. Yeah, so in my mind, I'm like, dude, it's a free country that I thought about. I was like, oh No one ain't You better fucking ask

Stuff felt entitled like after the train pulled over like, yeah Yeah, I don't fucking ask. Yeah I that's you know, it's important to be rude to people on public transit Dude, imagine that you're sitting there. Hey, buddy. Can I sit down next to you? Yeah, no now you're made. We don't even think you're trying to rob me. Yeah, what do you ask me any kind of fucking question? I was on a packed one train one time And there was some dude like packed just fucking everybody next to each other And there's one dude and all he can move is his head and he's like, I'm gonna reach him up pocket right now

I'm gonna stab him in his mother fucking eye. He's gonna see I'm gonna stab this fucking dude Well, touch me again. I'm gonna fucking kill this dude And no one's reacting to it because we're just like fucking packed in And he's just sort of threatening the space Dude, I was great. The same exact shit happened to me But it was uh one it was I was on a four or five four or five Going downtown and a woman hit the emergency like stop and it was rush hour. Everyone's trying to get fucking home And she was just yelling at this african dude who I guess bumped her and she's like, I'm an american citizen

And guess what we on facebook live right now. I'ma get your ass Go back to africa. Go back to africa. I'm an american citizen. Yeah, it was like damn Trump won like two days before that So you gotta turn up sometimes man. The pepe must have loved that. She's trying to fucking get him on facebook. Oh, yeah They love pop son They do that's their favorite account is but the pepe's love pop son Who I had to stop following because he steals jokes does he pop son? He's this guy on twitter. He's like this black. He was african actually. I think he's like uh

A liberian or something, but like liberian american. So he grew up here. I think it's his parents and I might be fucking up the details or whatever Yeah, but he's like a black race realist So the nazis love him because like, you know, he Fucking says racist shit about fucks with him already. Yeah Like we need more of that. Hold on He's fucking hilarious. We need more of that. He's really funny, but I tell him on numerous occasions to straight up lift jokes from other people Oh, that's not cool. Yeah, but I like his fucking uh Uh approach. Yeah, not that not the theme for the approach. Well, the nazis have a lot in common with the hotap guys

And so like they they I feel like they get along. Oh, they're all about historical revisionism Yeah, yeah, but like, you know, who's awesome. I I don't understand how anyone could like dislike the black israelites No, they're how like, you know, we might do with smoking a blunt on 124th the other day And we saw like a bunch from jump out of a suburban And like run across the street and like there was no content. It was just hilarious Yeah, they look like they're in a fucking RPG Quest party and they're about to go kill a dragon Final fantasy black israelites

That's a downloadable fantasy x Yeah, no, they're hilarious Although I love watching when they're just like fucking pointing out people in the street and they're like this fucking dude right here He should be killed You know, the guy just doesn't know how to fucking handle it or whatever. It's great. Yeah, they're they're you know Why because they have the hearts of trolls. Yeah, that's that's what ultimately you identify most as a troll I think in their heart of hearts. Yeah, even more so than comedian. You are a troll in your soul. Yeah, I guess. Yeah Because a lot of your comedy used to troll people. The trolls are cool. Yeah

Yeah, no, it's good to fuck with people. I think the problem is the best way to look like If you want to live a carefree life constantly make people upset and uncomfortable This is what we're talking about the other day. The problem is is that The early internet was all about punching down. It was all about bullying people that are lesser than you and now that's like against the rules Yeah, now you have to just be like, you know, how funny would be if that culture continued and like At midnight was like a show where four comedians. They're hooked up to like stick cam and they pick a 13 year old girl And they don't insult her until she kills herself And the last person to type anything into chat chris hardwick's like, you know, you just won the internet

They all watches the girl fucking overdoses And fucking blacks out on on camera and they're like, well, you ding ding ding ding ding a brand new car Whatever you fucking went on at midnight. I don't know. I've never said you don't win anything I think I did a little in a tv credit, bro. Yeah, you get to be on conversation. You're like, yo, check me out tonight Never come Um, I never did any cyber bullying, but I did a little I did I had a little bit of middle school bullying Yeah, where I did some irl bullying. I feel like adam you never bullied. Oh, no, we I mean you got bullied We bullied my friend tommy into now being a street magician mindfreak

That's pd. I feel like you might you you had some years of bullying No, I was always funny. I ran with the bullies. You ran with the bullies I was like the bullies jester. You were the bully comic release. Yeah I was like the like if the bully couldn't think of something clever to say about you I would say it and you couldn't do anything In response because they were like immunity. Yeah It was like, yo, look at this fucking dudes afro right here. They're like, I punched them That's beautiful dude. That's a very important role. I mean, I think that's why it became funny was in middle school

There were just all these men walking around. I hadn't even started puberty. I like I had zero pubes So I had to become funny. You had to suck on you had to find a man I didn't suck any one of us, okay? I said I was It was just like light bullying. I was holding you gay. I was holding their HIV in sixth grade I was holding their pocket as a bit Carry my bags Um, boy that uh that trolls get troll our tails gets trolled comic with bugs bunny and then quote and we're it's like Yeah, I used to get trolled, but then I found a way to stop it

You just do all sorts of stupid and gay shit like dressing up like a girl and kissing them I don't like doing it, but it works Yeah with their trolls in the box cool. Yeah, I mean or was it just was it more uh naked uh Just I feel like trolls is like uh, it's like Like you're talking about like trump is a the dopest troll of them all he's like the god of the trolls because it's like every time Like imagine if you could write a post and people march every time And you lived for that like I didn't know that it made you stronger Like every time they marched you were just like your superpowers

Why so I love when people like look at him and they're like wow look how insecure he is he gets bent out of shape over SNL it's like no he wrote one tweet in SNL dedicate an entire episode to him. There's a disparity in who's fucking angry here I heard some dude the other night at a show. I don't know. He was like a former SNL dude And he's just like yeah, so trump said this thing about me and I was like dude who the fuck are you? No one gives a fuck, but it's like that's how good of a troll he is there's people that no one even knows Yeah, he's gonna troll the world dude into fucking world war three. I don't care game right now I You'll die in a beautiful troll holocaust. No, I know how to fucking fight. I know how to make shit now

So I'm gonna move into the woods start a compound build everything myself. Yeah, now you're dead, dude No, you're dead. Yeah, we're gonna probably you need you need 35 000 calories a day If you get I don't eat it. I want to die. We have to lubricate your bowl hole I can survive on very little actually I I've been storing for there's my I have very gaunt cheeks. There's just a lot of nuts. I'm like a squirrel. I'm just storing Have you ever seen Alaska the last frontier, bro? I have not you It's just about these fucking people living off the grids. Oh, fuck wait. I have it's this weird thing They're like a family right and they have like there's like round town. It's weird, dude

There's like these there's like a strange undercurrent. It's just fun. Yeah, they must fuck their sisters And they made up their own fucking accent. So they all talk like real weird and shit. Oh, yeah It's fucked up. I'm pretty sure they fuck each other. Of course, but siblings the chicks will go out and like collect lumber about that Are you saying you fuck your sister? No, I'm just saying it's not weird to fuck your sister I mean, yes, it is Bowie taught us that My friend my friend like let like, uh, this is a pedophile like David Bowie taught me He said to me to be weird My friend like uh, like uh accidentally like uh uncovered like

I guess a weird part of himself, but he was like, yeah, you know, there was gay liberation. There's trans liberation I guess the next thing is going to be incest liberation And uh, yeah, probably I don't think that yeah I was like, uh, no, no, no, because there's no real argument for why incest if if it's too consensing adults There's no argument against why you shouldn't be allowed to have an incestual relationship If a brother and son of fucked up kids, doesn't if your brother and I mean it doesn't matter I guess if we have we have genetic typing you can take a couple about ready to take any couple and say you have a 90% pot probability you're gonna have a kibbit down syndrome should be legal for those people to fuck. Yes

I don't think that I just think I just think rape should only be legal in cases of rape or incest Yeah, that was my brother. Yeah, there's just Thanksgiving. Yeah I was just a trade-off. There's a trade-off still we still have federal funding for Planned Parenthood, but Rape is legal within the walls of Planned Parenthood That's the trade-off Why is that? So you gotta get involuntary nuts. Yeah, because no because look if you go into Planned Parenthood to get an abortion Right, and it's gonna piss off conservatives because they only approve abortion cases of rape if you're guaranteed to get raped at the Planned

Then it'll always qualify You see I'm high on cough medicine I Conservatives think that it's cool to have an abortion if you're raped Don't some of them don't sure but like, you know, that's the exceptions people make in cases of rape Are there laws in certain states where you couldn't you can't have abortions? Yeah, um, I know they've made it. They made it very very strict ever can hop in on this

You know the Ambers here. She knows That on the at the local level they've made a lot more difficult to get abortions in the last couple years, but yeah I mean they have an outright Indiana specifically, right? Yeah, I'm from Indiana They haven't like outright made it illegal, but they've done a lot of things trying to defund right like the only Right, so it's like de facto illegal. It's like like saying well look, you know, no one's saying you can't go you know get Whatever a chemotherapy. It's just that we've taken all of the chemotherapy drugs and moved them out of state

Yeah, they also do shit like they're like a mandatory Transvaginal ultrasound which I don't know if that means that you are required to pay for it Then it makes it like harder to get an abortion because it's just about making it more uncomfortable What they put like a big like rod in your puss That would a transvaginal. Yeah, well, they hook a transvaginal Ultrasound they hook your pussy up to a Tesla coil. I think it's not normal. I think it's pretty big Yeah, okay, I think the one the one thing the conservative the one thing the conservatives I I do think it I have like I think the one conservative opinion

I have related to this shit is that if you if you have a wet dream you should have a Christian burial for those I think you should have a priest there. I mean, I think that is a life You're watching real time with Bill Maher. I've never seen the show You'd have to what you have to have like 24 hours to get it in the ground like you'd have to move quick Yeah, you have to move quick. I have to yeah, I have to be Can't have any tattoos No, but what didn't Mike Pence he said he wanted to every time you had an abortion you have to have a funeral for Yeah, well Rick Santorum actually did it

They brought the they brought the the dead baby the fetus home to play with the kids. Yeah Still birth they somehow got like clothes for it. Didn't they they put like Ken doll clothes on the fetus. Yeah, yeah He put he had a cat His book where he said that Barbara Bush brought home like a crock pot of of miscarriage or something and And they ate it by accident whoops What that just so the piece is dropping off a spoon

Freaking out and they're like oh, this is so fucked up that they're so obsessed You know and I'm like this never happened. Mm-hmm, and then Crockpot is like a slow cooker. She is a cut throat She does not love her son Was like Yeah, I don't remember it that way at all. Yeah, she's just completely threw him under the bus She did not give a shit at all. Yeah, you guys ever have a girl having abortion for you. No, yeah How many what on purpose you got through the guy? I've had like I've had like I don't even know how many

That's like a Bronx thing right? Bronze Movie but the chick was like, yo, I'm like, you know, I'm thinking plant parenthood like I don't gotta pay for this shit It's like 700 I was like But it was 400 when I did it, but we went to Southeast DC and it was the cash only place It was so funny that the paycheck from Wetzel's pretzels Oh my god, there's a dude There's a dude sitting next to me with teardrops to teardrops

That's here on his face and he was on the phone crying and to his mom. Are you sure it wasn't a tattoo? That's what I That was the first thought I had It was like over those for babies that war was it? But he's crying to his mom and he's like mama this bit this bitch say she This bitch said it was 250 now She says 375 and then his boys sitting next to him. He's like hey tell that bitch to bring you a receipt though On the bottom you get a free abortion the next time. I think so. Yeah, there's some sort of group on the order. Yeah

No, I never I've I've I've been to plan B for I've been to plan parent for a lot of plan B's Oh, yeah abortions. That's why I haven't dude. I'm a little I went to plan parenthood get tested one time I think I'm shooting blanks because I've never had to fucking and I'm not careful at all A couple raw dog a bunch of raw dogs I went to one one time and they had a guest book like a little composition notebook you sign it No, no, I just flipped through it and read all the entries Holy shit, dude. One of the funniest things I've ever Like everyone was nice. Thank you so much. I was upset when I found out that I had syphilis, but other than that

Oh just for testing. I thought you were talking about the abortion guest book I was about to be like well, they don't let the guy into the abortion room So it's just a little tiny like handprint on each page the whole waiting room What are you pretending you're grossed out by abortion jokes? You started this show talking about how your dick doesn't fit through its dick skin It's different, dude. No, that's not bad. You should have been aborted That's my dick. My dick is half in a perfect world You'll be barred from reproduction because of your fucked up genitals. No, dude because they're beautiful in their own right You know, no, I don't agree with that. Yes, they are. No, I don't we don't live in that world. My dick has character

Yeah, my dick has character and it's kind it's cute I was laughing so hard last week when you said that girls tell you you have cool balls That's how awful your dick is. You can't even lie about it. You have to find something else I know I just have nice big balls. Your balls are pretty neat. Yeah chill balls, bro Yeah, I know this is the truth. That's my existence, but I choose to believe I just have extraordinary balls I mean, you know, they're heavy. They're heavy hangers You know, yeah, they taste good. How far Does your dick go down to the bottom of the balls or like in the middle?

Can you throw them over your shoulder like a condom? Yeah, I absolutely can I could throw them I could do them pretty high honestly. They're heavy hangers like I said I'll show you guys some pretty funny pictures of my balls. My balls on some stairs like I was doing an american apparel thing and I was sitting on stairs and but one ball just like kind of fell down and it's hanging low, dude It's pretty good. That's bonus content. We'll give it to the fans one time one time before my great grandma died During my grandparents house and she's sitting thank god far into the living room and she's telling some story some awful story about like I think I mentioned this on the podcast before but she's talking about like well I remember being a little girl

My grandmother my grandmother had a house on georgia avenue and at the end of the block there was this china man And he would sell apples and me and me and my cousin Uh, uh, uh, Eustace would run up and pull his tail and laugh and steal the Eustace, I don't know Yeah, I was coming up with old people names. So yeah We run up and pull his tail and steal his apples and laugh and laugh my whole family's laughing at this hate crime story My grandmother would pull his tail his cue. I'm assuming. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and steal like that gently movie hero Right. There's a chinese immigrant just trying to fucking sell some apples and his children are asking him

Meanwhile, everyone's looking on they're all like, you know enjoying this story I look over my grandfather and he's at the edge of his fucking seat and he's got you know, these weird grandpa Kirkland brand shorts on and one of his balls is just completely hanging He's enthralled by this story. I was like, what the fuck? He's going Yeah, what world is this? That shit is so awesome that johnny noxville bit from the jackass man The old woman. Yeah. Yeah, that shit is so funny. The old woman the old man. Yeah, we're gonna close your car the door

Well, I also love the one where he's just kissing a young woman and he's like it's my granddaughter That bit is just pedophilia incest pedophilia. Dude. It's so fucking funny. I know I love it. Nothing is fucking funnier than jackass Jackass is the funniest movie. What's the one where he takes the shit in the fucking display toilet? R.I.P. Ryan done hilarious, but that guy's a clean that shit up Yeah, that's when punching down was cool. Yeah, I'm gonna fucking watch the I'm gonna watch the jackass movies after we wrap This one boys. Should we should we um, uh, we should end the podcast early We should do it. This should be a 20 minute episode. We should watch jackass instead PD you down. I mean yo my knees is hurting. Yeah

I got podcasts me. I got podcasts me. Should we do our own version of jackass do jackass videos with your friends? No, yeah, we used to do the shopping cart thing. Yeah, everyone did the shopping cart thing like Um, my my my my name's Eric and this is jackass. Shut up Dave. Shut up David Okay, I'm gonna do it and then like, you know, it would be pushing your friend gently against a tree. They're like You're so gay The end of 12 year old jackass we did a jackass vid where we thought it was a jackass vid where it was like We're gonna make our friend Ryan smoke weed for the first time and we just picked grass off of my friend's neighbors Like front yard and then we just rolled it up in a joint and then he smoked it. We're like, are you hot?

He's like, I think so. I think so They were like, yeah, you're a bitch. I remember watching some local news thing some like fox five thing about uh, some kid that was uh, Trying jazz like your your children may be doing jackass at home Oh, that was huge. Yeah, and then they showed the video of this kid and they like set like a thing on fire And then he like put it out with his chest, you know, like he said like a molotov He made they made like a molotov cocktail and he goes to put it out with his chest and just sets his chest on fire So he's running around the backyard and his friends are like, yo, dude, look at Matty. He's on fire

Look at him and he's like And then eventually he jumps in like the pool or something eventually he puts it out or whatever And then they cut to like him getting like all these skin grafts And it's like chest being lowered into this like, you know saline solution to make the skin grafts take And it's like and that's what he's like. Yeah, I'm Matty and and then what's so great about that is you watch You watch the video and the response is like, yeah, that's not very funny, dude You didn't do a good jackass. I'm sorry If you had hurt yourself doing a funny jackass, maybe I'd feel bad for you

In retrospect what we didn't get as kids was that they were on so many fucking pills and so many drugs for sure entire time for sure It must have been so that's why I love the sorry to cut you off, but the story of river phoenix dying Is because outside the club because he tried to hang out with the red hot chili peppers And he's just some bullshit actor that wanted to be a rock star Fucked up hung out with the red hot chili peppers through one night and died He couldn't keep up with that cause of death being a lightweight I mean, that's what happens on his death certificate. You wanted to hang out the red hot chili peppers and I'm like, you sure?

I don't know. I mean you just you pretend to be us in the movies I don't know if you can do it for real and then uh, yeah lights out for him Did he die with a tube sock on his dick naked? Did he? Wasn't that the red hot chili peppers underwear, right? They were just wear underwear. What was he doing harrowing? Uh, I think they were they were they were doing they they would mainline Coke they would fucking shoot up coke Jesus and then and then uh do heroin right after it was just like speedballs But they were shooting up the speedballs individually god damn

it was Yeah, that's why they were so great I feel like there's not enough artists that do an like hardcore, you know, that's the real talent when it comes to music Yeah, he's doing drugs. Yeah, he's the fucking rock music the best music is the ability to do that level of fucking narcotics Yeah, the best music the best music fucking are there any rappers they do doing heroin? I don't know. I think you gotta be up for that. Huh? I feel like you got to be up to rap. Yeah, but I think it would be cool Well, actually, I guess the codeine is like kind of coding. Yeah

I would respect I would respect the rapper that makes pcp in mushrooms all the time That's like the mindset of somebody who I would like to hang out with That is juggler Mushrooms Let's get wet guys. That's that's that'll be our next thing I've never got wet man. No, I was always scared of hardcore shit because my dad smoked crack into every heroin and all that shit Oh, so you were out on yeah, and even like coke. I've never even You don't want to go in and I've got an ecstasy

But coke I was because when I was growing up remember they used to be like crack cocaine So they were like related. So I was like, I was like Yeah, yeah, yeah No, I know but it was like crack cocaine was his last name. So Well cracks is is cocaine shitty son It can't get his shit together. Yeah Okay, okay, it's almost like saying bond james bond. Yeah. Yeah, the last day first cocaine crack cocaine crack cocaine

Yeah, I've never pcp was big in uh dc That's what tony was was said He said everyone was doing a pit. He said that that's what why martin lorence went crazy because of pcp apparently Once you get famous they don't let you do pcp anymore But I feel like whenever new drugs come out or when they're hot like anything It's just it's you got like I remember listening to my uncle talking about like when they would smoke crack like at parties Like right, right, right pipe in a party, right? It's a joint because it was something new. So it was like Yeah, you don't know right. Well, think about all this shit that was new at one point that now in retrospect

You're totally embarrassed. You like like the venga boys Like that's like crack cocaine, you know, like you didn't think that who let the dogs out wasn't going to be a cool song But you were you had all the baham and posters Who let the dogs out is a good song. I don't give a fuck what anyone says crack cocaine is you know Yeah, there's that I mean fucking wu tang raps about fucking uh smoking ses

The combination made my eyes bleed Uh, and what says it's just p. Is it what is it? Is it pcp or Hold on. What was it? What's the lyric again? Uh, ses and we the combination made my spoken ses and we the combination made my eyes bleed I think it's like it's some it's one of ses just meant weed. No, no, I did too. No, no But it makes sense because he said makes my eyes. Yeah, he's like ses and weed ses and so yeah It's some it's some kind of weird drug that it's like everyone's just doing Well, I remember dude, I mean, I remember one time my cousin did that shit. He told me about it

He was smoking wet. He started punching people on the train for no reason PCP fucking yeah, yeah, just punching people in the face for no reason And he was like, I'm never gonna do drugs again. Well, he had a reason What a reason was on pcp. That's a totally valid reason Look, if you can punch people because you think they're a nazi You should be able to punch people because you're on pcp You're everyone on the train is a fucking nazi. I know pcp is bad If it's all about perception, why not being able to lift a Ford f-150 truck must be

I can already do that, dude. No, you can't. Yeah. First of all, you're not allowed to buy an f-150 unless you can lift it You have to be they measure your dick Curly they they measure your dick and it has to be huge and you you have to have It's a ruler. It's a ruler that says uh, Dennis Leary is the voice of Ford trucks, right? I have a penis ruler at the Ford dealership. I know I work there and the inches are labeled, uh, Hyundai Kia Toyota Mitsubishi Uh, for day woo

Day woo's too high up. That son is the first one. Well, that's Nissan. Oh, is it? Yeah, that's badass You go get it back in the Datsun days. Yeah, my dad had a Datsun. Yeah Then when I was like 16, he was like, y'all don't know if you're my son I Fucked up wait Datsun was uh, Nissan, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Datsun. It was like a weird star or some shit like that And your crack-smoking dad had a Datsun. He could hold down a Datsun But that shit was like probably when like Nissan Maximus was out, right? Datsun was like, why do you have that piece of shit? Yeah, the fuck is this piece of shit?

I got a new car. You got a new piece of shit Fuck this car Take the train, bro. Yeah Um, you ever robbed someone? No, have you? Oh, yeah. Let's hear it. Yeah, I did Yeah, we you talked about it. I was just I was in I was there. I was like a happenstance after the accessory, bro Yeah, pretty much. I just I was trying to get a ride home accessorized. Yeah How'd you get started robbing Pete? Huh? You just wanted to rob? No, I got robbed when I was a kid I got robbed one time

It was like by my closest like one of my closest dudes stole it fucking gift. That's what's happened to me, dude I mean, I do this show and these guys fucking take a cut. So You get right now. You got to rob other people right because you lose that sense of remorse We're like, dude, I got to get somebody else. Yeah, I'm gonna steal this tv while Nick's sleeping one of these days No, this shit is big as fuck like I say I don't steal no more, but I praise How much do you think this tv costs it should cost like at least a month's rent for me Yeah, it costs more than a month's rent for me. Okay. Yeah, I mean I was thinking about that on the way here

I was like the only reason you would live this far is if you pay like two dollars a month or something like that Yeah, it was like a real great deal. I've never paid more than 600 a month in New York. Yeah, it's beautiful Yeah, is it because you go to like the places that's not overpopulated with fucking no the first two places I live were Chinatown and my rent my first my first place was 350 a month. No one wants to live in Chinatown Yeah, nobody does he's my fish all day, right? It's a fish and garbage. Yeah, you just what you do is you just pretend you're in the in Blade Runner It's kind of what you move there from Lasso's in Maryland. Yeah, so that was cool. Like you moved to fucking Chinatown

The shittiest place I lived was in Los Angeles. I lived in a garage Yeah, I mean that large front you're in large one, right? Or in that water that would yeah, that's a nice neighborhood though in a garage Yeah, but I lived in a garage that fucking there was sewage that would back up out Sulked all of my clothes It is a nice neighborhood though What at water? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That water village whose garage was it? um

Some ladies, you know, it's so funny the first place I went to like when I was staying on rhinestown's couch And so I started doing the craigslist thing like trying to find a place and every place I looked was a fucking nightmare And I went to one place in Atwater the first time and uh, You know, it's a recent decently priced place and I go in and it's like two like, you know Like housekeeping like those kind of ladies like middle-aged, you know, sort of troll-ish looking You know, make immigrants. Yeah, but you know, like the the the ones that look like they're You know indentured servants for motel six Yeah, you know and uh, and then this older like Mexican guy showed me the place and he showed me the room

He's like I think it was listed for 500 or whatever But he's real out of it and the room looked like shit And then we'd have to be living with these like two old women and it was dark in there and it smelled bad And he shows me the bathroom and there's like the bathtub is just backed up with like fucking stagnant water And I was like, what the fuck is this? He's like, yeah, it's okay. You know This just sounds like sex slave quarters. Yeah, I'm like, I don't know if this is okay or not But you know, I was like, you know, I just wanted a room

I maybe it'd be temporary I had to get off my friend's couch So he shows me the room and I'm like, yeah, so I'm like, it's like 400, you know, everything included You know, and I figured I'd just try and shake him down or whatever And uh, he was like, yeah, it's fine. So whatever, you know, you just come bring me the money, you know So I'm like, I don't know. This seems like a scam. I don't know. Yes So I'm walking out and I'm leaving the place And this uh, this Mexican dude's like, um You know, so

He's just like, he's turns to me and he's like, if you uh, just want to You know, maybe come back a little later and bring him money and he's like tearing up And I'm like, yeah, maybe I mean, I'll go look at other places And then there's this like painting of the moon in like the in the trash outside and he's like Do you see these and like, yeah, you know, okay, and he's like My girlfriend, she's just she just broke up with me I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. He's like, I've been I've been at least far She's she broke up with me

And he starts crying on my shoulder And I'm just like patting this fucking middle Yeah, yeah, never met him before my life and he's just sort of crying when I told her and he's like sobbing and I'm like Sorry, I guess he's like, well, you come back later and bring the money. I'm like, I don't fucking know So I found this other place with this woman And you know, she's showing me the apartment. It's a pretty good deal. It's like 600 a month everything included and this is the room inside the house at the time and uh

She's like, yeah, you know, my son's here half the time he spends half the time with his dad And it's like, you know, all this stuff dedicated to her son Which is fine. I guess people love their kids or whatever But you know, she's telling me, you know, like, oh, well, he's an actor and he's been in a lot of stuff You know, nick loading likes him a lot, you know, he's seven Oh, man, this kid sounds like he sucks Yeah, and uh, so she's showing me the house or whatever and she's like, well, this would be your room It looked like a nice room and shit and I'm like, yeah, it seems like a good deal

I'm like, fuck it. Yeah, I just cut the check and it to her. I'm like, I'll move my stuff in later And then uh, I was like talking to somebody afterwards and I was like, yeah, tell them the deal and they're like, yeah They're like the kids there. I'm like, yeah They're like, oh, well, how many bedrooms is it and uh, I thought about it. I'm like, well, there's my room the bathroom There's her room and then uh Oh, I guess this kid just doesn't exist. I guess she's like because there's no room for a kid here Yeah, and I was convinced that she just had some dead son that she could like, you know Made up in her head or died and holy shit, but the kid was real. I just after the mexican guy experience

I figured that was the sense No, the kid would sleep with her in her bed There was another couple living in the garage and then there was a guy that just rented the driveway and lived in a van What the fuck the garage couple was like it was It was this kid who was like he was like near my age. He was like 20 or something And uh, just like a dumbass over enthusiastic dude, bro, you know, right, of course It's like like an occupy guy. Uh, no, this was right. I told you this story before It was like right around when occupy was just getting started

So there was occupy la going on and that they went the couple and the guy in the driveway because they were like It's bunch of people and we're like making a huge push to legalize weed across the country I was like, you know, there were those people or whatever. I love it. And uh, and yeah, they lived but that kid out in the garage It was great. He had like uh, his girlfriend was like 29 and he was 20 and she had like a mixed-race kid And the father the father was just like enormous black dude Like come over sometimes and they would all hang out together That is so fucking weird. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then the guy that lived in the driveway I'm I'm I'm gonna fucking sound like a hit. Yeah, there was a guy that lived in a van in the driveway like fucking Cody from step by step

And uh, he was this aging hippie that was like, yeah, I'm like a weed activist, dude I actually have everyone in this is why la sucks because literally everyone in la won't ever say anything after hi My name is other than Here's what I'm doing currently here in my fucking credits. You know, nobody's a fucking human being nobody's having a shit in time They're all just, you know, like they present you the resume to you immediately So this guy's like, yeah, we actually have like a tv channel going on We actually, you know, it's we've gone grown beyond a show. We have a whole channel now Which just meant like a website that had a couple of shitty videos

And he wanted to call that a whole tv network And uh, but he would just bore the shit out of him, of course, dude an old an old hippie We die the worst, you know, and he was fucking, you know, tell me the stories about oh, yeah We got this car and we actually converted it to run on on hemp oil, you know, it's like it's like your car doesn't also need The smoke weed And uh But he's telling the story one time and he's telling it with the same boring casual tone he always does He's like, yeah, you know, we kind of we hitchhiked all the way down through Mexico into Guatemala and then we wound up in

This mountainous region and that's actually where I learned Spanish was from the locals in this mountainous region And so when I would go into the down into the, you know, town or whatever I'd speak my weird mountain Spanish And everyone would laugh at me being this, you know, gringo didn't speak regular Spanish and then actually this is like big You know near civil war level conflict broke out And I remember going down a town one time and kids were kicking some guys head around the street like a soccer ball And you know next week we're having like a weed benefit and it's gonna be great. I mean, it's just fucking like, you know, sort of breezes past This amazing story. Yeah. Yeah. This amazing part of his life. He delivers with the same fucking, you know, tone and I like to think that it was his fault the civil war. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is that you couldn't handle his fucking boring ass stories?

Yeah Jesus Christ, dude Uh, yeah, that's the problem is because all those guys think weed is the most interesting thing in the world To them being in a fucking civil war skirmish doesn't mean shit to them Um, do you have any fun Living situations pd. Do you ever live anywhere weird? I live in a car once for like probably a couple months A car around here. No, I know Florida, Florida. I was like hustling and then I lost everything Oh, yeah, I spent everything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and then I fucking found myself like homeless for two months

Really? And like I have family to live down there, but I was too prideful to fucking ask Of course So I and like I used to have like nice cars, but I lost them all and I only had like my worst car It was actually a 78, uh, Monte Carlo that in my mind. Yeah, dude Well, no, that's that's the way they changed the body style though, and they got smaller a little. Yeah. Yeah But it was still long as fuck though. Yeah, but the 73 to 77 Monte Carlo's are the fuck. Yeah, those are super I saw one actually down the block. Yeah, there is this guy's a gray one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I look at that car every day in my mind. I'm like, I'm gonna. I'm gonna hook it up

Yeah, but like I lost all my money before I hooked it up to the windows. So I'm like sleeping In like a motel fucking part in a driveway. I'm driving to 78 Monte Carlo is training day training day. Yeah That's what the whole idea was. I was like, I'm gonna hook it up like training day. That's awesome. What was the hustle? What was the hustle that you were at the kid? It was like, uh, it was I can't get into detail, but I'm like, sure That's how you know, it's an actually awesome story. It was like a white collar. It was a white collar thing and I was uh, I guess you go between here and Miami you said no, I would I would live down I lived out of Florida for like maybe eight to nine years. Okay, and then I came up here to do comedy But uh, I love Florida is a place where bad people go to like have trashy fun

So great because there's no there's no like there's no uh limit There's no I had a cousin that moved down to Miami and was just a piece of shit for a while And then he moved back to Philly and was murdered by the police Before I lived in Miami, I lived in Orlando And uh, I just started getting money. I can't hustle in Disney world I got carjacked in Orlando. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah in front of a police precinct. Get the fuck out of here I couldn't tell anyone that story I couldn't tell anyone that story dude like back home. I couldn't be like, yo, you know what just happened to me

Yeah, of course that My friends got jumped right in front of the police station in Austin by like 20 guys They formed a circle around them and then send two people in at a time to kick the shit out of them Jesus Yeah, that's like the most I think right in front of the police department. That's cool. That's like a break dancing. Yeah Yeah, well, it was like they suspected it was a gang initiation thing Oh, so the cops say that. So good thing they didn't break it out. Like what the fuck? Well done

I don't know. I like I it's funny because I see my friends who still live in Austin They're constantly bitching about the apd You know for cracking down on them. I don't know whatever but then they all get assaulted Like there's like a lot of fucking assault. I guess I was technically I got beat up by those by the sugar egg Yeah, but the sugar ray bikers It's just like because I was making fun of sugar ray and some bikers got angry the band Oh, those guys. Yeah, that's sugar ray. And then you did a set afterwards. I did. I did a set afterwards with blood on you You got beat up. That's like lady Roosevelt. Yeah that shot still did the speech

Maybe teddy Roosevelt was also nine tall boys deep in fucking 7 p.m Yeah, you're like verner hers like you got shot in the stomach and kept doing the interview So you got you got what'd you get did you get beat up or did you just get hit a few times? I got it. I was I had there's you couldn't tell the next day. Oh, yeah beat up is like your face is swollen No, no, no, no, but surprisingly because the dude was huge. He was like this enormous guy I'm like, I'm gonna be fucked up tomorrow. It was nothing not a marker Is he in the place where you're doing the set or they kick him out? No, they they the cops showed up and like the cops are like what the fuck happened. I immediately was like

All right, I've never met you before in my life, right and the cops like No, sir, you have not and I'm like now I'm gonna assume you as a human being Wouldn't become furious if someone insulted the band sugar, right? That's a normal assumption And he was like, yeah, I'd say so. I'm like, well, there that's a ass that guy wise And I got laughed about it, I guess and we're like you guys don't want to press charge because he punched another comic too Really? He's like you guys don't want to punch press charges and we're like, no, just tell him to leave. Yeah, I did

No, that's the end of it. The awesome gangsters, man. Yeah. Well, no snitching no pressing charges I was mostly like it's a fucking hassle, you know, I do the paperwork. Yeah, it may work I don't want to have to go to a court appearance if they asked me to It's also like the guy's fucking drunk, you know, not that I have like sympathy for him But like, you know, if he's on parole or something or probation. Fuck that. Oh, snitch Have you flipped? Have you flipped in your? I'll say it now, but nah I never no, that's what I mean. Now. Now would you snitch PD? Now would I snitch to protect your empire your comedy empire that you're building?

I probably wouldn't snitch because to me. I always look at it like dude, whatever you're into you get yourself into Right, right. It's like no one forced you to do some dumb shit Yeah, like if you're forced into doing some shit against your will then you had maybe snitch But if you were like, you know what, I'm gonna fucking rob this person a little crime with my boy stave Well, let's say snitching is wrong, but what about making shit up to intentionally get an enemy thrown in jail? Like if I were to say the dan nine and raped and murdered a toddler It's called lie snitching. Yeah. Oh, I got dry snitching. That's lie snitching dry snitch lie snitching

What's dry snitch? I would never snitch, but I I do I do actually I probably would snitch I can see you got a snitch face Yeah, he looks like he'll flip real quick. Oh my god, I would flip quick. I feel like he'd like chill for a second And they'll be like All right, I'll tell you I would never snitch, but I do whenever I'm in an apple bees Sign up all my enemies for the apple bees to go email list That is that's my version of getting back They don't do it at uh at verizon anymore, but they used to have monitors up

And you could put your name in the line and then we'd have like the initial for your first name And then the rest to do your last name and so you just sign up names like uh, steven hit head or Francis agate I just filled a queue with that Watch the front desk until like one of the employees looks up And then everything on the computer That is a fucking you know, it's a good prank that I never got into but I wish I had as a teenager And I don't think you can do anymore is uh rf hijacking a drive-thrus

What's that? So the headsets connected that speaker box through like walkie-talkie shit. Oh, okay So you can just sit outside with a scanner find the frequency and broadcast over the drive-through get out of here Can we do that now? I think it switched to bluetooth or I mean they probably switched them all over to some kind of digital technology I have a friend in high school We used to just go to you know, deltalker jack in the box late at night and just make a huge drive-through order Like when there was only one guy working and then get to the register They hand him the food and he'd be like or forgot my wallet and like 10 times out of 10

They're like all right. Just take the food dude. I'll go. What yeah If you're like working alone at a deltalk on the middle of the night, they don't give a Yeah, no, you could go into any You go into literally any any but the pizza chains and say do you have any fuck-up pizzas that you're giving away? I'm I work with homeless people and I want to give it to them or you could just say I'm a police officer And they'll make you free pizza Well, I that I said that all you can just say give me a pizza and then say give me that shit. Don't pay him What the fuck you're gonna do?

I mean, I've worked at all those places the fuck you're gonna do Yeah, I worked at all those places and my honest response would be like, you know, literally nothing I'm so glad you're you're hurting this business I used to work at a sneaker store in a fucking hood in liberty city, dude And and like People would do like it was in the middle of the hood so you could only imagine like we had jordan's and shit So it was like fort knocks for the hood You know what I mean? It's like your fucking treasury or some shit

And your dudes would come in and there was like a security guard It's like it's old Haitian dude with an old school revolver No one the no one cares none of the employees care like if you came in and just shoplifted We wouldn't even snitch on the person and we saw we just be like well I guess you got a new shirt only thing is he's got the security thing on it I worked at a cell phone kiosk and these like I guess uh I don't know who did it, but somebody jimmied open the lock and stole like three new uh The next remember the next tell the chirp chirp

But the next cell i8 30 that was like the silver and blue joint that was the 930 But yeah, which one was the i8 30 black one? Yeah, it was the one that came out right before that Oh, yeah eight 30s before that but those are the hot phones So someone sold either nine 30s or eight 30s and uh, how much did those cost back then? MSRP was a lot 700 bucks Yeah, without a contract they're big like like for construction, right? Yeah, initially everybody drugs everybody The two-way everybody loved the two-way shit. So where you at? It's got them. Yo the feds is on it. So get rid of this shit. So the feds is on us

Well, I remember uh somebody jimmied open lock and stole it and my showed my boss and like the amount of fucking n words that came out of his mouth Oh, he's a ronnie these niggas. Yeah. Yeah. It was like I fucking they're all the fucking same That's the hard part about shit because like I don't know like Tribalism like that dude you were talking about was his name fucking uh pop son. Yeah Like he's the type of dude that's not down with tribalism like he's not like dude because you look like b were cool Yeah, right and I'm trying to I'm like the same way like I hate that like I hate having to be for your calls because we Look the same you hate the automatic Yeah, like right. Yeah, it's all about jokes

You know if there's a way to make a joke out of something and do it I'd say that She's not giving a fuck to the extent of being like well, you know what my people went through I don't I didn't go through that. Yeah, not this. I'm not trying to discredit the past or whatever, but it's just like The fuck bro. Yeah, if someone looks like me, I just break their glass. Yeah, I don't like doppelgangers I think that's the bottom line. I don't like people that look like that was the worst That was what nobody does dude when somebody finds somebody that looks like Look, dude. I found you at this other thing. You're like, shut the fuck up, dude. They're always uglier

They're always a little uglier. Yeah, it's never a hotter version. I see stavros is all day long Yeah, no you don't public transit. Oh, yeah, actually we do have that game or we'll be in public and we'll see a fat guy We're like, look at stuff Stuff I don't have my beautiful Inner fire that was the worst thing the world is Moving here for comedy and then just going to a mic and seeing like 40 different dudes that look like me Yeah, there are a hundred of you. Yeah, they're like, uh, yeah, I'm a jewish Shut up kike. What uh, dc. We're we all

And they're literally all named adam freetland too. I don't know how it's impossible I like my favorite is the guys on the patreon. They call you erin in the comments. Oh, those are my fans Those are my number one fans. That's the funniest shit. Yeah, erin freetland. Yeah, I don't really don't like the erin guy That is such awesome disrespect not even bothering to learn your name while fucking saying you suck Listen, dude, I love them. I love me each and every one of them. Any any publicity is good publicity Even if they spell the name wrong, that's why I cause trouble online We lose four or five hundred dollars And subscribers every time I do it, but eventually it goes back up like 20 bucks

Yeah, then The right is abandoning us the left is abandoning us when I was writing for thought catalog I had like a meeting with them and when I first started writing with them and I wrote some article that was like Like uh, children's letters to the war on christmas troops and I just drew all these like, you know, yeah Yeah, that's childish drawings or whatever or you know what I think it was I think it was like, uh, uh, there was some buzzfeed article that was like, uh, British British people tried to draw a map of the united states and like everything's placed wrong. No. Yeah Don't know what you see is might you know or whatever. So I did some fucking thing that was like, uh,

Well, african kids try to draw a map of the united states. There's like bite marks in the map It was like please send food And the guy who owned the company like, uh, he met with me. He's like, yeah, dude We lost 300 facebook likes up that like a bunch of people said they'll never read the website again. I'm like, oh, shit I'm sorry. He's like, no, that's good. Dude. He's like, that's what I want because you know, eventually We're gonna get a new audience from it. It's gonna bring other people and we're gonna like diversify. So I'm really excited about this And uh, that just never happened I continued to destroy their brand

And until eventually they hired jim goad and Gavin Mcinnis and then made their name for themselves being a racist website Jesus, you know, that's crazy. It went from like a a teenage girl feelings website to like a racist men's website overnight The website thought catalog. I didn't know that catalog. Yeah. Well, they hired jim goad and a lot of people don't like jim Oh, uh, jim's been around for like 30 years. I mean, he was like a zine guy. Gotcha Um, I feel like it's not racist if you don't kill the race you're talking about. Yeah, that's my rule No, it's still good unless murder happens. Oh, you don't give him a job But even then that's your fucking right. If you're the employer Milo gets railed out by black dude, so he can't be racist

Say you're an employee. It's actually literally not That's against a lot of laws. Well, say you're an employer and you don't like Asians Yeah, you don't got a they don't got how do they know you don't like Asians because none of them work for you Yeah, well, like if you cheat the system Yeah, you can find a way to obfuscate or the reason you're not hiring. Also, if you're an employer, you like Asians I didn't want to say black people, but you don't like black people. You're like, all right You're like, all right, jim roll. I don't want to fucking hire you No, they would get yeah, that's illegal as hell. You're having the Asians working for me. They're like, yes

I do another 15 hours today I will make every every product faster and they do it efficiently and well Asians are dope, man Like when they fucking when they shut down the bodegas the other day, I was a little nervous But I'm like, well, the Chinese people are still here. So we're good. Yeah You got more about money. I love a damn Chinese dude. I got a chicken soup yesterday for two dollars It really was a good. I mean, it was chicken soup chicken noodle soup. Dude. Did you watch the night of Only saw the first they hit up my girl in the night of they go to my old favorite dumpling spot

Really that fried dumplings place on on uh, Moscow Moscow in between mont and mulberry. There's like a dumpling in that little fucking alley. Yeah, I thought they shut that down Uh, didn't they shut it down because they said they were making the dumplings in the Telling you know outside. Yeah, it was a different place prosperity done prosperity got shut down because they were making Dumplings in the back with rats crawling on outside Those are good dumplings. They were good. They're cheap as hell. No, this this place is fucking cool But in the night up he goes there and they let the woman who works at the place be in the show

Oh, tight. He's like, let me get a dumpling patch. Yeah, five minutes I just left her in there. That's the most. Yeah, that's the most because the location of sky was like, hey Yeah, so we're gonna shoot here and then we'll have some become behind the counter and they'll play you or whatever. No fight me I guess she just stays in she's basically chinese detective munch. That's what I'm a detective. I play munch She's in fucking law and order now. I'm Richard lichard. Wow. Fuck. That's hard one. That's one for the ages lichard. Was he lichard? Little Richard. That must be hard Is this racist or funny?

It's both it is 100% racist. Yeah, without question. Excuse me. Yeah. You're saying riddle lichard. Yeah, I don't know. It's racist. It's definitely racist. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is. Yeah, we're not, you know, this is gonna entertain the fuck out of people. I'm just saying yeah If I heard this shit, I'd be like, man, these guys are fucking entertaining as fuck. The people that get mad about this shit Are already mad and those are the people I don't want to be friends with. Yeah, so it doesn't matter, you know Well, I don't know if it's racist where it's more of a thought experiment, you know How would a racist or racism in general if they were making fun of a Chinese person saying little Richard? How would they do it?

Also, you know, you could be racist, but still be great art, right? Well, this is not what this is. Like I said We do not make great art. I think it's great art one day. We could I think this is uh, like trying to get into painting I feel like I'm like one. I'm like a I'm like a soul from like one of the old dudes that got away like when they were hanging people And like but I live now and I'm just like man, you guys think this is bad They don't they ain't roping you up for this shit. Yeah, this ain't racism. This is a someone's thought. Yeah The worst thing that happens nowadays is you get punched People have different punchings going on and that's like not even yeah, you know state

Everybody back in the day. They were like, yo, we're killing black people. Everybody come to the party and watch this They were toasting. Yeah That is true That's how they were making them the end ball dumplings Yeah, well, we've we've uh, the builder obligated time slot. So we're I didn't mean to end up With what what the fuck are you doing? Why are you rubbing yourself here? Because I put my feet up here on the all right the ottoman Yeah Well, that's the end of the episode wait, should we say when the shows and shit? Yes, uh, we got, uh

Caroline's on the 21st and then on the following Monday on the 28th or 27th I can't remember we're back at come on everybody. You guys have to come to both of them I know that we're doing too many shows now You're gonna be overloaded with the come boy content, but you gotta come to both I think the same one's gonna be a fundraiser. So you feel good or something. Maybe if one of them One of them should be a fundraiser. We're gonna. Yeah, we're gonna get well All of the patreon money does go to charity. Oh, you guys are fucking it goes straight to the acoq. Yeah Oh, I'm about to say you guys I

I would do charity if I had millions until I get millions. I'm not giving away. She did you want to plug anything? Uh, I want to fucking. I don't know man. I'm out here Yeah Just find me look for me in the credits. I don't know. You guys got credits and shit people Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I always say that the end of shit people go. What do you want to play like dude? Just fucking look me up. Yeah, he's a great comic for those that don't live in new york He was on uh, I don't know if he was on one of the premium. He was come towns. He was was it that she was late Was that before we recorded? No, he was on that. Yeah. Yeah. That she was so lit. He's hilarious and thanks for doing that

Check him out. Yeah, we did. Yeah. You guys still do that place. Yeah That's it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, all right, bro the end of the month. Well come to our shows. Thanks for listening. Bye later