The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - 40

Oh, whoo, uh, it's, uh, Valentine's Day. It's February 14th, 2017, it's Valentine's Day. We're all oiled up. Yeah. Nude. We're sitting in a hot tub together. You're not allowed to wear clothes on Valentine's Day. I do.

If you're not fucking on Valentine's Day, you're gay. That's what they used to say in my high school, dude, all the bros were really into Valentine's Day. That's awesome, man. They come in wearing, you know, like cupid outfits, and they're like, yo, who's gay today? Who's not fucking, and they would, you know, could you get a, could you get a beat you up, dude? They'd shoot arrows at you and beat you up.

Oh, what happens when the arrow shoots? You didn't have dates or like, yo, we're about fucking, we're about going steady, dude. Okay. Did you have to have an emotional connection with the girl? No. I mean, yes. Okay. That's not be gay.

That's what like gay to just fucking feel nothing. 50s, 50s bros are all about that. They're like, yo, I'm trying to fucking like hold hands with Dot. Yeah. I'm trying to 50s, bro, dude. I want to go get a malt and get my dick rubbed on Make Out Point. No, I thought you just sort of sat in those cars and then like argued. Nah, you definitely get, you did an OTPHJ.

Yeah. Definitely. Over the past year. The dick doesn't breathe air. I don't know, man. I read the O'Reilly factor for kids, which is the definitive text on hooking a hookup culture in the 1950s, and it was mostly from what I could gauge is you would make vaguely anti-semitic statements and then compliment a girl's poodle skirt and then you would

go home and not come until you're 37 years old. That sounds awesome. I wish that was my case. Yeah. You don't come, obviously. Obviously I've come. Didn't Bill O'Reilly, what was that thing he like called someone about a loofah, putting it in a pussy or something?

Yeah. Well, yeah, I got sexual harassment. Basically, every one of those guys gets addicted to Vicodin at some point. Yeah, what is that? Rush Limbock's here, right? Well, the Vicodin is tight. Have you had that shit? You have back surgery and then you become a heroin addict?

The reason those guys are so prone to pill addictions is because they've never done drugs in their life and anything that's not a legal prescription or whatever they see is nefarious and for black people or whatever. So, they hit fucking 50 years old, 55 years old. They haven't exercised since they were on the fucking JV basketball team back in 1942. The all white JV basketball. They blow out their back. Dude, just doing chest passes?

Yeah. Blow out their back fucking moving all their Nazi memorabilia around in the attic and then they need fucking Vicodin so they get their Vicodin prescription and they eat the entire bottle within the first three weeks and then that's how you get like a limb bar, you know, a Riley situation and then they can justify it because it's like, well, you know, I need it. The doctor gave it to me. When I do opiates all day long, it's a lot different from some Cadillac queen spending

her welfare money on food she doesn't deserve like Dunkaroos and soda. If you're not spending your EBT card on broccoli and mud, you have food I haven't eaten in years. None of those guys have had a green vegetable. You have to eat nothing but mud. If I see you with sneakers, if you have nice sneakers on and you're fucking spending my tax dollars- Are you happy?

On Dunkaroos? Yeah. I'm sorry. Government dollars are making black people smile. Oh, no thanks. You are lucky that I'm on nine different prescriptions to OxyCon right now, otherwise I'd come over there and kick your ass. I can't even imagine never doing drugs and then just getting your dick sucked by OxyCotton

and Vicodin. Oh yeah. Those guys are great. What do you think that guy, what do you think he watches to unwind, to drugs? Just like- I think he watches probably Bob Ross. Just Reagan movies? Oh, Bob Ross?

Yeah. Bob Ross is cool though overall. The thing about opiates is great though, it's like you don't need to do anything. True. That's kind of why weed sucks, because if you just smoke weed and sit in a room, you're like, oh, I got to kill myself. Yeah, you got to have something to take your attention. You got to have something else, whereas if you took 280 oxys or whatever and sat in bed,

you're like, this is perfect. Yeah, absolutely. I don't even need to turn the lights on. I used to- I don't know if I told this story on the podcast, my college roommate got into a car accident or something and he was a pussy and he wouldn't take- It wasn't even like real serious ones, it was like Tylenol with Vicodin or Tylenol with Perk or whatever.

Yeah. I thought you were saying he was a pussy and that's why he needed the oxy. No, no, no, no. He was a pussy and he wouldn't do drugs, even when he was, I guess, in pain or some shit. And I just over the course of a semester- Sounds really strong and brand. No, he's a bitch. He's a bitch, trust me.

Over the course of a semester, it started with like, there was like 30 pills in there and the last day we moved out, there was three and I'd never addressed it. I would just like periodically just take one and pop one and go eat college cafeteria dorm food and it was just made- exactly, you don't have to do shit. It just makes going to class like the- I was like, dude, I fucking love learning, dude. I fucking love- And then meanwhile you're not learning anything, your brain's just shut off. I legitimately don't remember that semester.

I remember trying to study drunk one time for like a nutrition class and I just sat there like reading every page of the nutrition book and then I'm like, yeah, I don't even remember- Absolutely. I got nothing. Even what I read two sentences ago. Didn't I say that like, there are a bunch of great writers that like only wrote drunk? Writing drunk is easy.

I can't do that shit. Writing drunk is not a problem. Christopher Hitchens, you started drunk. Learning drunk is the problem. Yeah, you can't learn drunk. Oh, you can't learn drunk. You can't do shit drunk. I can't learn on anything, dude.

I can't- any drugs, I'm just trying to fucking hang, dude. Maybe actually I guess Adderall or I guess Coke in theory. No. You could do Coke and like read. Yeah, you could do Adderall. I like to take Molly sometimes and just code for hours, you know what I mean? Isn't that what coders do? They microdose or whatever?

Probably. They do acid. They do a little bit of acid. They do it like three times a week. Interesting. They take like a tenth of a hit of acid. Every programmer does acid. Yeah.

That's like what's really big, you know, in the- well, that's- You know it's a look that needs to come back as the early 90s programmer look. Oh yeah, like Morpheus kind of stuff? No. Where they went like just full pedophile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you ever see pictures of Will Wright, the guy that made all those SimCity games? No.

No. He just- they used to- I remember like at like the daycare center I went to and like the computers they had like SimCity or one of those Sim games, but it had like a picture of him beforehand. Mm-hmm. You'd probably be like, this was created by Will Wright or whatever and I thought it was a joke. I was like, that's not-

Just a short sleeve button up with a tie. Yeah. Just kind of look on his face. I mean, he looks like a pedophile. Yeah, like the stapler guy from Office Space, but now we're tied. Yeah, Milton. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that was the look. That was the look. That's what you think of as a nerd. That's old school nerd. Classy pocket protector. What the fuck? Have you ever seen a pocket protector in your life? No, never.

That was like the go-to joke for a nerd. Especially Saved by the Bell, like Screech or actually the nerds that were- I guess there were these nerds that were even lammer than Screech that didn't accept him because he wasn't nerdy. This was the picture that would come up. Oh, God, dude. Oh, my God. My man, fuck's kids.

I know. He looks like a Martin Star for Freaks and Geeks. Oh, man. I was reading some article about autism the other day and the header image for the article was- Where was the article? New England Journal? His mom sent it to him.

It was on Slate and the header for the article was a picture of the guy that plays Sheldon on Big Bang too. That's so fucking good. Does Sheldon have autism on the show? Probably. Is that a show about people with autism? They ever say that? I guess.

You mean the show? It's the companion piece. It's the companion piece. It's called Big Bang, Really Big Bang. What's the name of the show? Really Big Bang. Oh, that's a Big Bang. Definitely a Big Bang.

Definitely too big of a bang. You need to make the bang smaller. Everyone is a smaller bang. What? The Indian guys autistic? Yeah, they're all autistic. One of them fuck like a hot one, the blonde one? Well, autistic is the top of the Indian caste system.

If you're a good cow, if a cow behaves well and makes lots of chocolate milk, they come back. That's an autistic thing. So it's an autistic and beneath that is the guy with eight arms, the Goro guy. And then third is a Bollywood guy. And third is the guy doing a Jai Ho, just a really sick choreographed dance. Those shits are tight. You know I always wondered about the deities that are like, you know, it's got an elephant's

hat or a dog's hat or whatever. Does that mean that it's a dog's brain? So it's just a dog that has a human body and it's just pissing and shitting everywhere. That's just scared. The elephant head one, that's got to be way too heavy for the body. Yeah, but it's got a strong neck. It's got a strong neck on the ground and looks for peanuts. And you can put your trunk in pussy.

Yeah, it would probably just suck its own dick. Oh yeah, you could suck your own dick with a trunk. Standing completely straight up. You wouldn't have to bend at all. If we have any Hindu listeners, if you could fact check this for us, let us know. The Indian elephant head guy suck his own dick with the trunk because if he doesn't, what's the point of being a god then? Absolutely.

I mean, I would imagine that's why he is a god. Yeah, definitely. He won a dick-sucking competition and they put him on Indian Mount Olympus. Yeah, I wonder if that's in the Kamasutra. Absolutely. Is that one of the religious texts? Yeah, that's their Bible. That's one of the books.

Bhagavad Gita, Kamasutra, Slumdog Millionaire, the screenplay. The one with the tiger. The guidelines and rules to get your New York City taxi medallion. Are they even Indian or I feel like it's mostly other places? The cab drivers in New York? Yeah. I feel like they're a lot of... Bangla, like Indian adjacent.

South Asian. South Asian. They're a lot of North Africans. Eastern Indians. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. I thought they were all German. Easterners. I thought they were all the new Germans that we've been hearing about.

Are they new Germans? Yeah, the face of New Germany. Oh, nice. Yeah. Tied, dude. No, I'm happy for Germany. First of all, we should be happy. If you think that there's cultural erasure happening in Germany or that the Germans are being...

There's like a white genocide, which is not happening, but if you feel like that is happening in Germany, good. Germany sucks. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Germany deserves that to happen. If any country deserves it, it's Germany. I don't fucking have a BMW or a Mercedes. That's the only two good things Germany deserves.

And honestly, Schnitzel is not that good. It's not that good. It's okay. It's fine. But there's so much better meat in the world. I thought Wetzel's pretzels was German. It's not. Apparently it's not.

It's New Jerseyan. Yeah. Well, then I got nothing going on. Even sauerkraut? I don't fuck with sauerkraut. I like sauerkraut. But I like it on a... You have rye, sauerkraut, and liverwurst and deli mustard.

Ah, no thanks, man. That's a good... Oh, fuck, dude. I would put Provo on top and then I would broil them open-faced. One thing... I'm with you on the broiling with Provo. One thing Germany does have is that Angela Merkel. She's a fucking piece of ass.

She's sexy. That is one fine piece of ass. You know her middle name is Steve? Fuck, I was looking... She's smugging. There's like 10,000 refugees coming to the country and rape a bunch of people. She's like, did I do that? She's like, did I do that?

Did I do that? There should be like a German Karl Winslow that runs against her and his campaign slogan is go home, Steve. Angela, Steve Merkel. I'm sorry, Lara. Fuck. Family matters. If you translated that into German, it would probably sound really Nazi-ish.

Wouldn't it? Just the word family matters? Yeah, family matters. Like the volkish seagun. Something terrible. It would sound like, you know, let's do the holocaust again. Don't they have like real gay ass clubs in Berlin? Yeah, they have like...

I think I read that in a brochure. We got real gay ass clubs in Berlin. No, I mean like ultra gay as gay as a club can be. Pretty much all clubs are gay. That's true. Like a single club. Let's defer to gayness to Adam. Yeah, okay.

So yeah, Germany does have a bunch of really gay ultra clubs. Big techno clubs. Berlin is like a techno center of the world. Have you ever been? No, I haven't. But there's this club. I've never been to a single club. Yeah.

Oh, I've been to clubs. I've never gone to a club in my life. I've been briefly, they suck. Wear a club sandwich? What the fuck? You got a club soda. I like club soda also, thank you. Oh, thanks.

Actually, you tried to sell me, but I like both those things, so thank you. Should it just be called not soda? Club soda? Now we're thinking. That's not soda. What do you mean? It's got bubbles. Yeah, that's seltzer.

It's a type of soda. Yeah, what's the difference? There's no difference. That's like a Seinfeld opening bit, dude. No, it's an original song. Shouldn't it be called not soda? Yeah. If I fucking, if I go to a restaurant and I'm like, let me get a soda.

They'll bring you Coke or Pepsi. Sure. Because they know what I mean. They'd ask you what kind of soda. They wouldn't just bring you Coke or Pepsi. No, they would bring you. If you said soda, you think Bernie Mac ads. If you want a Pepsi, ask for a Pepsi.

I was on a plane. The tone of the commercial was like, yeah, we understand Coke is superior, but. Yeah, yeah. I was on a plane a couple of months ago sitting next to this gay guy and he was like, they were like taking drink orders. And he's like, yes, a Diet Pepsi, which I've never heard anyone ever order. Yeah. She's like, we have Diet Coke.

And he's like, I love when people care one way or the other about that shit. Yeah. That guy is like a fucking Diet Pep. First of all, this place has Coke, right? I don't know. I like it. I like it. He did a really loud tongue click and he was like, I'll just have water.

Really? Yeah. He didn't have Diet Coke. He didn't have Diet Coke. What the fuck is the difference? None, dude. Fucking picky ass. Honestly, I don't even fuck.

What's so frustrating to me is like, what the fuck is Coke zero? It's just Diet Diet Coke. But it's got no calories. Neither does Diet Coke. It tastes a little different. Or sugar? No, neither does Diet Coke. It tastes a little different.

I don't know. It's got a blank. It's a different sweetener that gives you cancer. You don't be weird as unsweetened Coke. That's what club soda is. No. Yeah. Coke has other shit in it.

There's other ingredients. Yeah. Like cocaine, bro. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Remember that? Little kid, you thought you were doing Coke? Dude, it's like Coke.

Okay. What are the ingredients in soda, in Coke? Pepsi used to have piss in it. That's why it's called that. Pisp seed. Pisp seed. Pisp seed. It was cocaine.

Because they used to prescribe a piss to children when they were sick before it was legal to do that. They actually used to put whiskey and shit in a baby to just get babies fucked up so they would shut the fuck up. Well, heroin was originally like a children's cough medicine. Oh, that's awesome. A children's heroin. Dude, imagine being a little ass kid and just having the time here coughing and just having

the best day ever. Yeah. Just doing heroin, not even knowing. Right. Yeah. Oh, my son has a headache, so we got him a bunch of tattoos. We made him go ass to ass with his other friend. Yeah, he's in a gang now.

He's got mumps, so we made him join a gang. He got sexed in to the gang. Blood in, blood out. That's why humans used to have a litter of children. You'd have like 35 kids and 12 of them would die. Yeah, literally. Every litter. Just to fucking be farm hands.

Yeah, my grandfather's parents used to give him a little shot of schnapps before he'd go to bed because it was cold and they were poor and stuff, and he drank every day the rest of his life. Nice. Yeah. 983. How many kids, how many people were in his family? Actually, I think only three kids, but they were responsible Jews.

I see. But yeah, they got him a little fucked up. I thought you were piggybacking on the idea of a lot of litter kids. Oh, no. I fucked up that whole thing. Well, you're sick. You have any excuse? Yeah, you are sick, boy.

How are you feeling, buddy? I'm feeling terrible. I've been in bed for five days now. I've literally just been waking up in pools of my own sweat, and it's been awful. What if it's not just your sweat? It's probably. Dude, what if someone's fucking you in your sleep? It could have happened.

I thought it'd be like a funny sketch would be like, you know, if it's like outdoor ad or something or like summer camp or like, you know, for whatever reason, there's like a bunch of guys in the same room. The guy's waking up and he's like, ah, fuck, I had another wet dream. And it's like, no, you just pissed the bed. Yeah. Just teased your bed. Oh, yeah.

No, it's a wet dream. Yeah. A wet dream is when this happens. Yeah. No, it's not. That's your own. That's impossible. I had a sexy dream.

And now the bed's wet. I had a sexy dream about having to go to the bathroom. Now the bed's wet. It's always funny that that's how that happens if you piss your bed. Absolutely. You're always dreaming about pissing. You got to, you're like, I got to piss real bad. And then the dream is like, oh, there's a toilet right here.

And then you start pissing and you're like, why don't I hear the water? Oh, yeah. That shit is so fucking funny. Yeah. Elvis, my fucking roommate, was like, yeah, dude, I almost pissed. I almost pissed myself. And he just had a huge wet spot all over his box. And I was like, dude, you pissed yourself.

You didn't piss your bed, but you pissed yourself. That's what I love when people are like, oh, I sharded. Like that never made sense. People sharded. And it's like, what's sharding? It's like, oh, it's when you try to fart, but you shit yourself. And it's like, no, that's just shitting yourself. People aren't like shitting themselves on purpose.

Exactly. You just shit. Stop trying to soften the blow. Absolutely. Of what happened. You shit your pants. Right. Like a little ass baby.

I will say that in the morning when you have to pee and you don't want to get out of bed, that shit sucks, dude. I wish you could just piss the bed. Dude, astronauts do that shit. That's why people become astronauts. They get dipped up. Yeah. Well, then they got a vacuum that connects to your dick and just sucks all the piss out

of you. So you don't have to get out of bed. They got the fuck. That's the fucking life. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That ruins a nice fucking sleep. How do astronauts sleep?

They just float? No, they got sleeping bags like Velcroed to the walls. Then they put a strap, a headband on or some shit. Yeah. Do astronauts ever fucking space? It fucks up your vision, too. Really? Because our eyeballs, the intraocular fluid, we evolved to have a certain specific pressure

inside your eye. Right, right, right. You spend a year in space and you come back and your vision's all fucked up. Really? Yeah, the lack of gravity will fuck up your eyeballs. Damn. But you get your dick sucked by sexy Mars bitches. Green bitches, dude.

Well, that's right. They have three tits because the gravity's different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They come in on Earth and only have two tits because if they had three, it would break their spine. Are you basing that on that Arnold movie? What's the total recall? Total recall?

Total recall? Three tits? I haven't seen that either. That's on the list. I saw a ton of movies. You've never seen a total recall? I got a list of movies I must watch. Phil K.G., dude.

Oh, you know what I watched that I did not like is Indiana Jones. Which one? The first one. Yeah, I mean, they're for kids. Shit sucked. I haven't watched them since I was a kid, but yeah. I mean, even when I was a kid, I was like, these are all right. Yeah, that shit sucked, dude.

And I didn't even understand what the fuck was going on like. He had like some lady that he fucked when she was a child or something. Like that she was like, I was a child. He was like, you knew what you were doing. Wait, are you talking about the Crystal Skull? No, the first one. Oh, the first one. She had like his mentor's daughter, he fucked when she was young.

And then he just steals artifacts from poor ass countries. Yeah. Like that's the hero. I love that, dude. He's stealing shit from poor countries that have no other natural resources. Well, the Nazis would take it otherwise. He's preventing the Nazis from getting, I guess, but he could, you know, help them out or something.

Yeah. The Nazis could do magic with it. Yeah. Why did the Nazis know magic and shit? Yeah. And there's like a snitch ass monkey. That was real, dude. I mean, like fucking, that's what's so funny about the Nazis is that like some of the like,

you know, Himmler like guys that were behind the Holocaust were also really into the occult. Yeah. So funny to me that there's like guys, they were guys that were like, look, it's a, it's a fucking zero sum game. These people are a problem, we have to exterminate all of them. We're going to play in all these death camps and kill them. And it's like very, you know, uh, uh, cold, calculating guys are also like, but what if Santa is real and we can find him with symbols?

That shit is funny though. You got to give it to the Nazis in terms of them being just so evil. Right. They're like, yeah, we're also into the devil too. Right. That's how fucking evil we are. Like not only do we want to kill Jews, but we want to do it for the dark Lord. I mean, it's crazy how evil I was watching like some fucking, I mean, we talked about

how cool and shit they look, but they look like villains. And then also all that shit Mussolini had, that motherfucker had some weird like fucking artwork dude that looked evil. Like those guys really leaned into being evil. Yeah. Like what? Well, Patton was a weird guy too. He thought he was reincarnated from like, like, you know, like Hannibal or fucking really?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Was he, he was good as hell at war. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

He was, he was like, uh, he'd drive his men real hard. Right. Yeah. Yeah. He made like a bunch of people die. He was like a doctor house. They wanted to go too far this time. He's like, I know what I'm fucking doing.

He wanted to go tell me what to do. He wanted to invade Russia immediately after, immediately after the war. Oh yeah? After Germany surrendered. He's like, we need to invade Russia right now. He's like, we need to kill all the Russians. Who's the dude with Korea that wanted to go north of the parallel MacArthur? No, Alan Alda.

It was Alan Alda. Yeah. No, it was, uh, it was the, the guy in the dress. Yeah. Klinger. Klinger. Yeah. I love that.

He's trans. He's not trans. He was like dressing like a woman so that they would send him home for being crazy. That's the, that's the plot. That's why he dresses like that. That makes sense. And then he just continued dressing like that. Yeah.

So he, he literally was trans probably. That was just his way of being, and he was like, oh, I'm just trying to get sent home. It was a double sneak. Yeah. It was a double sneak, dude. And then they didn't send him home. I didn't actually watch the show, but I, I recently watched the movie MASH, the Robert Almond movie.

It's pretty funny. I'll watch it. That's my take. That's going on the list of shows I need to watch. Do you know what I love is that, that Futurama episode with the robot MASH, where they had like, yeah, there was some MASH reference with robots or whatever. I'm trying to, well, if you haven't seen it. There was one.

Watch that. I should, we watched Futurama, man. Futurama was pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. It was for smart guys to know stuff about math. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh yeah. As a mathematician myself. Mathematician just means somebody that does math, right? I think so. Yeah. I do math, you know. I guess that's true. I need to add numbers together sometimes.

Split a check. So I could technically call myself a mathematician. I think we're all mathematicians. Anytime you Venmo anyone, anything, that's sort of math. Yeah. I mean, I have to add numbers together a lot, dude. I had to take measurements for the window in my room. Yeah.

If you're doing real work though, if you're doing math to do hard work, labor, then you're just a dumb ass labor. Yeah. Then you're Guatemalan. It's not work. I'm not getting paid for that shit. But if you're, no, but you're doing like, with your hands shit. That's just for bahud.

But if you're just sitting like a little bitch with a notebook doing math. Remember when Jordan used to do this? Then you're a mathematician. Bro character all the time, like this bro character, Scotty or whatever. And like, we used to just like, you know, Scotty hitting on girls or whatever. One of the things like we would say is like, yeah, you know, I mean, sometimes I just like sit around do like fucking crazy, hard math problems, you know, what's like a million times 10,000.

It's like the square root of like 560 say, I mean, I've been working on that one a while. But yeah, so, you know, I'm not just, I'm not just all about the muscles. Just all those guys that used to watch, I used to watch change of heart and blind date all the time. Hell yeah. I loved it. Blind date was that shit. It was always like some, the game was on change of heart.

Some dickhead that looked like a fucking Adam's apple with just platinum blonde spikes above it. They'd be like, yeah, my name's Chaz, you know, I'm 27 years old. And basically I think my strongest strengths is I have like a really great sense of humor. And, you know, I'm like a fun guy, you know, or whatever. And then it was always the same thing. It was like, my name's Brian, I'm 26 years old, I'm working in retail currently while I try to pursue a career in, you know, retail management, and, you know, my strong suits

are that I got a really great sense of humor. It was always that they had a great sense of humor and then I would watch these people go on terrible dates to like a sushi place. I remember there's one, they go get sushi and then they went to a place where they get like latex body paint done. Oh, yeah. Oh, you're right. There's always a weird one.

Yeah. There's like, you know, go to a fucking do like pottery or like fucking hot air balloon or some, you know, some shit like that. Right. Which nobody ever does on a normal fucking date. No. You'd go do something boring because if you're like that much of a fucking dumb, obnoxious person that like you can't just go to dinner with somebody and be interesting that you're

like, yeah, we need to go on a hot air balloon. We got to do it. Yeah. Yeah. That's what that show is. Absolutely. There was one guy, I remember, it stuck with me. It was just like a nice woman and some guy was like just drunk and talking about how

little his dick was. He just like, this wasn't a fever dream. Yeah. It's like, this is actually was my first date ever. You wake up, you're like, oh, another wet dream. Yeah. No, this is like, no, it's your turn. No, it's your turn.

You're gonna be the girl. You're gonna be the girl. Yeah. You're gonna be the girl. I wasn't even going there. We were going on dates together. What's the deal on those shows? What was the deal with the jacuzzi?

Right? That's like still. Did you see that guy on the badge? The jacuzzi was big. Sorry to interject this, but back on your turn to be the girl thing, I was laughing with a friend of mine one time. It's like two guys like, you know, they're like, we should practice making out. So like when we do it with girls, we'll be better at it.

Yeah. I'm like, okay. And then it's like, but we can't kiss each other. That's gay. And they're like, right. We're not kissing each other's assholes though. I always joke about with like close friends, like with eldest or Ben or whoever the fuck George.

Like we're like, it's like a shame that we are not sexually attracted to each other. So like what I want to do is we'll get a two hookers that blow us while under like a table or something while we like hold hands and look at each other's eyes. That seems like the closest way to sex with your straight bros. That would fix it. Yeah. And people are like, man, it sucks that I'm not gay because I could just marry my best friend.

It would be perfect. And it's like, no, you'd probably just grow to hate them. Yeah. Yeah. You're not in a relationship with your friends. Exactly. You would introduce sex into the equation and fuck everything up and you would resent them and like, you know, a couple of years tops and then you get sad about how awesome it

used to be to hang out and you can't even have them in your life anymore. Right. And then you'd find a shittier version of them who maybe let you be a little, doesn't hold you as accountable for your problems and live a bad life. Plus the thing is everybody gets older and they just don't have standards anymore. Right. That's what I'm begging on, baby. Right.

Let's hit that 30, dude. Like, like imagine like dating in your 60s, which people are doing now and it's like, just die. Yeah. Nick Griffin has that awesome joke was like dating in your 40s. It's like every date you start with. So what did you want to be? He has some of the best material on dating when you're fucking older.

He's funny as shit. Nick Griffin. When you're older? Check him out. Yeah. You can find his dating. Dating when you're older material. Literally do check it.

Nick. Nick. Mullen is being a dick. I'm not being a dick. Nick Griffin is hilarious. Who is he? You know Nick Griffin? No.

Dude, this guy. That guy's funny as shit. Is he Eddie Griffin's? He's Eddie Griffin's son. Son? He's Eddie Griffin's son. Yeah. He's a small black child.

Eddie Griffin's son who's just some guy. Yeah. Yeah. That's just some guy who's probably a banker in Pennsylvania. Yeah. No, Eddie Griffin's son. Eddie Griffin. Yeah.

Yeah. No, but Nick Griffin's funny as shit. I'm surprised you guys don't know him. He did like 20 lettermans or some crazy shit. I've heard the name before. I remember somebody was like praising him once, but I've never met him. He's such a good comic. Yeah.

He's got some of the best bits. But anyway. Yeah. Let's do his bit. I don't know who he is, so we can just do his bit. Just steal his bit. I did. I literally didn't do that.

That's how this started. I want to have a podcast. I think it probably exists already where you're just like, okay, today we're going to remember this episode of The Simpsons and just say all the jokes from it. I'm down, dude. Yeah. Let's do that. I used to wish that I could just do that as stand up.

Like you guys remember that Simpsons? Dude, you know that guy T-Rex? Yeah. Yeah. He, I remember one time he literally was doing that with Family Guy at McGoobee. He was just like on stage, not even a podcast. He's like 10 minutes left in a headlining set. He's just talking about a funny ass episode of Family Guy.

I'm like doing a Stewie voice. It was so fucking awesome. That shit fucking rules. It was awesome. I was like, God, respect. Stand up is awesome. It's the fucking worst format for comedy. And it's killing harder than any of his bits.

It was awesome, dude. Maybe we should start doing that. I mean, that's become like a thing like, do you hear this thing Trump said, right? Oh, yeah. Well, that's a big problem. So seriously though, people do this a lot where it's like someone, a homeless guy says something funny, or they read a funny porn, or they read a funny porn comment. Yeah.

And then they just say it and it gets a laugh and then they add nothing to it. And it's like, you can't do that. Yeah. That's fucking like, you know, that's not your bit. You did not write that awesome burn that some gay guy in line behind you said to you. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Although speaking of a great burn, now I'm going to do that on this podcast.

Yeah, that's fine. One of the funniest things I've heard in the last year on stage, D.C. Benny, he's talking about, I love living in Brooklyn because like you hear, he's like, you just hear the crazy shit in Brooklyn. He's like, look, I was hanging out. I feel bad doing his bit, but then the bits about a thing he heard. Right, right, right. But he's like, he's like, yeah, I just heard outside my apartment the other day, a guy

go, man, you know what the real M word is? Knowledge. Yeah. Six weeks. I just remember it throughout the day. Yeah, D.C. is not doing that though. It's like, I'm talking about like people who just literally just fucking presented as like, I don't know.

Yeah. You're not writing a bit. Well, that's what I fucking hate. That's part of a bit. I'll tell a story sometimes, just like a comment and be like, you got to do that on stage and be like, what? Just say I saw something. Right, right, right.

It's not how comedy works. Yeah. If you add something to it. How comedy works is you find something like club soda, for example. Right. Now we've all had club soda. And you never noticed it's not really soda. They should call it not.

And that's the essence of a stand up. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Suck on my dick. Speaking of a mean thing, someone said to me once, I just remembered this. I was when I was fucking, I was just fat as hell, like even fatter than this. It was like one of my worst times. And I actually ended up losing a bunch of weight and I started going to the fucking gym. But there was this.

It was like a nicer gym in Baltimore where there's the swimming pool and that one at the merit. Yeah. The merit athletic. Yeah. And I was, I was like, you know, I didn't feel great about myself, but I was like, I'm at least I'm in the gym. I'm turning my life around.

And this guy was there with his son. And he was just like a toddler that was like going, you know, swimming with his dad. And he just walks in and it's me and like three Jack dudes. The kid goes, Hey dad, what's that little fat guy doing here? He was like, Hey dad, why is there a little fat guy here? He was just genuinely curious. He was like, he wasn't being a dick because he's a child. And he was just like, yeah, there's a little fat guy shouldn't be here.

That's hilarious. And then he fucking, but it's also annoying because he was like, he was a fat child. Yeah. He's like, come on, you're not even a fucking sexy ass kid saying that shit. I remember I was like, I went like hiking or something with my parents and some like somewhere and you know, we're on like the trail in the woods. And I was probably like five or six and some fat guy walked past us on the trail and I didn't know any better.

So I was like, wow, look how fat that guy is. You know, we're right in front of him. I was like, look, look how fat this guy is. You know, my mom started hitting me or whatever and my parents were like, I'm so sorry. And they're like, you can't fucking say that about people. I'm like, what? And they're like, it's bad to be fat. They're not less.

It's mean to that. It's, well, it's the broad. I don't know why you can't say it, but you can't say it. It's fat shaming. It's the same. Just mean. And then so much. Hold on.

So then we're still walking. And then, you know, the paths like loop around through the woods or whatever. So we like passed by the guy again. And I was like, look, there's that guy again. And then he looks all upset. And they're like, you know, they get mad at me again. I'm like, I didn't say he was fat. I said it was a guy from before.

And I didn't understand why he got in trouble again. Yeah, dude. Who knew that would be a large portion of your career later on is calling people fan. The therapist. The therapist. Yeah. That's who explained it to them. They're like, well, it's a spectrum.

He's not going to shit himself. I got a piss. But he might for sexual reasons at some point, you know, it'll be by choice. So when I was a kid, we moved back to South Africa, like after apartheid ended for two years. And I was on the beach walking with my grandma. And there's this like homeless guy walking towards us. It's like African dude.

Yeah. And I just remember turning to my grandma and being like, he stinks. And then my grandma says, she just turned to me. She's like, you can't say that about them anymore. It's hilarious. Yeah. And it was like, I felt real good. Well, what did she mean?

Did she mean homeless people or she mean? I thought she meant African people. I think she meant black people. Do South Africans consider themselves POCs? There were like some fucking Jewish South African kids that I know put African American on their college applications. Yeah. Which was fucked.

Yeah, why not, dude? I didn't do it. I'm white. I'm Caucasian. Yeah, you're not Caucasian. I'm not from the Caucasus. What is that? Like the Urals?

The Urals and Caucasus? I'm not like a man. Yeah. I'm not from the Caucasus. Yeah. Whatever. I'm white. Yeah.

I think you could take Aryan, too. Germans weren't even using that word right? Yeah. Aryans are like Persians. Really? Yeah. The original Aryans and Persians have the same ethnic roots. Really?

Yeah. Damn, I didn't know that shit. Well, it's not. Grace is weird. I remember there was some propaganda chart I saw where it was produced by the English or whatever. It's explaining like, did you know that the Irish are actually, they're black people. They're monkeys.

And they have this like cartoon. They have like an English guy that looks normal. And then like a cartoon of an Irish guy with like this big fucked up nose. And they're like, yeah, they have Syrian, you know, qualities. Really? Yeah, yeah. I love that shit, dude. How just like, well, that's what makes you think like, oh yeah, even when people are

like, well, you know, there's some truth to stereotypes. Even when you start believing that, then you realize, like, no, everyone's fucking- The stereotypes are real, but they're cultural. It's not like based on your fucking genes. Yeah, I know. But what I'm saying is like, fucking exactly what you're talking about is like, a hundred years ago or whatever, English people were saying like, look at these dumb Irish talking loud in movie theaters or whatever the fuck they were saying.

You know what I mean? Like it all just, it's all completely societal. Like the black people movie theater thing comes from like black Southern Baptist churches where like they have more of a call and response, you know, interaction format in the church rather than like, you know, in churches to be the thing you would just go do. Yeah, that's so culturally, it makes more sense. And in schools, they got fucked over that way too, because like, they would like get bad, like citizenship marks and stuff.

Also, you know, like even going all the way back to slavery, like, like field hollers were call and response based. And that influences like music and, you know, everything going forward. Like that's where the talking, the oral, oral narrative. Yeah. I've got an oral narrative for you, pal. What is that? Okay.

Oh, it's, it's this little story about something I do to your mouth. What's the story? It starts with Adam's mouth and then it ends with some inside of it and that something also puts something else inside of it. This sounds confusing. Yeah. I don't get it. It'll just let me show you.

Just don't, we can't talk. What were you saying earlier this show? You have trouble following Disney movies? No, I didn't say follow, have a trouble following. No, Indiana Jones was confusing you. Yeah. That's what he said. It just sucked.

It wasn't confusing. It was just like. Well, you said that. You said you didn't get it. Confusing because it was dumb. I didn't know whether to make fun of you for that or not, because I don't remember the original Indiana Jones. It's not good as all I say.

If I wasn't sick, I would have, I would have helped you make fun of stuff. Shut up, bitch. I'm also sick. I got, I got heartburn real bad, which is a type of sick. That's not sick. What'd you eat? Nothing. I just had Chinese food last night.

I mean, I've got like a heartburn problems now. I think it's from all the Indian food I was eating like six months ago. You think it's just catching up to you? No. I mean, it like, I was like chronically fucking up my stomach because I'd go get Indian food and then I got really into hot sauce like for a while. So I would go to Chipotle and then every bite I would like douse in fucking hot sauce. I love that fucking Chipotle, that smoky shit on it.

I used to have, you know how like, I never understood when people are like, uh, you know, you eat spicy food, that shit's going to be tearing up your ass the next day and I never experienced that. I would like eat hot sauce and I would shit normally and it wasn't a problem in the last year. Like I'm like, oh, now I get it. Oh no, it fucks my ass cheeks all the way up. Yeah.

No, the first time that ever happened to me was like probably a year ago. I used to just shit normally. How about you, Adam? Do you shit bad after spicy food? Oh yeah. I have a, I have a burny. I don't know if it's spicy food, but you know, you get a little, you got a burny. Shit.

That ruins the next 48 hours. For sure. Yeah. You gotta, you gotta fucking very carefully wipe your ass. Oh, that's a rough one. Yeah. And then you get a little streak of blood. Why isn't there like a Dyson bidet, you know, like a thing that just blows air over your

asshole so hard that it cleans it? Yeah. James Dyson needs to step up his bars. The ion energy that uses ion energy to suck the shit completely out of your ass. Because a big problem with wiping is buffeting and that's where, you know, with this diagram we explain that the shit to get smeared. I want a damn bidet, dude. Yeah.

How much do bidets cost? Uh, David Feldman's, uh, where they do his podcast, they do it at his like agent's apartment and he has some like Japanese, like it sits over the toilet. Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah. It looks like standard in Japan. Yeah. Everyone has that thing.

Yeah. Every toilet. Like a super Nintendo. Oh damn. It sits on top of the toilet. Oh shit. Amber's pulling it up right here. There's one for like a hundred bucks, dude.

Yeah. It's not that expensive. I'ma get one, dude. Yeah. I want a robot to lick my ass. Yeah. That's how we show fucking dominance over them. I was just talking about that.

I actually have it down on the notes for the show here. Um, no, I'm serious. What? Yeah. Uh, I just, I don't know how to forget which heading it was under. It's health and wellness, but, uh, there literally is, by the way, uh, notes, guys. He's not joking. Uh, oh, I was saying I want a feeding tube that connects to an Amazon drone that makes

all my decisions for me and the drone will also wipe my ass and jack me off. That would be sick. I think the reason that sex robots haven't caught on is because they just make sex robots. Like you got to fuck them real doll and all it does is fuck. And what you need is the sex to be like an added bonus, you know, like cup holders. You know, who the fuck would just buy a cup holder, but you put it in a car and everybody needs a cup holder. That's what I'm saying.

So people do buy just pocket pussies. Uh, they do. But if you had, if you had a way to fuck other types of robots, like they specifically, when they made the Roomba, they were worried about people fucking it. So they made it possible to fuck, I'm assuming, because there's no way to fuck a Roomba. But yeah, it's like, you can fuck every other kind of vacuum, but you can't fuck. That is, you know, because it raises your ethical cause, you know, it wants to fuck too.

Right. The room is sad. It doesn't ever fucking push too many regular vacuums. So they made up the Roomba. So the, you know, less people. So less people would be trying to, you can actually get, I remember a dog, a guy sticking his, he stuck his dick into the vacuum, like body assembly instead of the hose at the end. And his dick just got chopped off by one of the blades by like the compressor blades.

Yeah. He killed himself. That was half of the Darwin awards was people like, yeah, yeah, chopped off. And speaking of which, what a fucking bizarre, you know, you could not make the Darwin awards now. No, we've talked about this. Have we? Yeah.

I don't think we have. Well, let's talk about it. Well, if you say we've talked about it, probably. Why couldn't you? Because it would be making fun of people that died. Yeah. And you know how offended people would be. They definitely would be.

Yeah. But it was really funny. Imagine if fucking David Carradine died this week, the same way, and people were trying to kill him. No, people would still go off. It was just autoerotic asphyxiation, right? Yeah. That's it, right?

Mm-hmm. In Malaysia. That's it. In Bangkok. In Bangkok? I thought it was in Kuala Lumpur. Yeah. Which is a weird thing to do to go to Southeast Asia to jack off.

Yeah. You go get a boy to do it for you. They're like, oh, yeah, we're going to fucking, we're going to Shake Shack and I'm just gonna get the salad. Yeah. You know. It's not even that. It's not even that, I'm going to make my own burger at Shake Shack.

I'm bringing loose hamburger meat. So I'm going to Shake Shack and then just jacking off. Fucking one of the shakes. They're very creamy. Yeah. No, they got boys there. That was actually a bit I used to do, but I had to stop doing it because Nate Bargassi also has a bit about the rocket launchers in Cambodia.

Oh, what is it? So I felt weird. But my take on it was that like, you know, I mean, my friend Eric Krug, we're actually trying to go to Cambodia because he used to get these like cheap companion flights. But the thing with going to Cambodia is like, people just assume that you're going to fuck boys and but why I wanted to go is specifically because of that rocket launcher thing. They have like a place where you can blow up a cow with a rocket launcher. Whoa.

And you fire like fully automatic AK-47s and they got grenades and you got grenades you can throw and like a lake and shit. And it's like that seems like the most fun I'd ever have in my life. But it's like after, after you blow up a fucking cow with an RPG, you expect me to just like fuck a normal prostitute? No, you have to fuck a boy. That's the only thing you could possibly do after, after, you know, blowing up that cow is fuck a boy.

It's kind of rude to blow up a cow. Can't you just blow up a rock or something? I mean, you could if you're a pussy. Dude, the cow didn't do nothing to you, dude. Well, that's mean. Yeah, you can't even mean guy food, really. Well, can you pick up? Is it barbecued and tasty afterwards?

Yeah, they're just like a fuck. It's like a video game. Is it a gun that shoots it and becomes beautiful steaks? Yeah, the grenades filled with a KC masterpiece, dude. Oh, that sounds awesome. What happened to KC masterpiece chips? I think we've also talked about that. That was Lays.

Lays did like a collab with them, right? No, back in the day, KC masterpiece had their own chips. I thought they were with ruffles. Maybe they were. But I remember loving those as a kid. I love barbecued chips. Yeah, barbecue chips. Going to the fucking pool.

You go to the pool, you get to KC barbecue chips. I like the UTS. I like the UTS barbecue. Your hands are still wet from the pool, so you get all that fucking dust stuck to them. Yeah, orange hands. Yeah. Nah, dude, the UTS are better than the KC barbecue. That's my stance.

Do you remember kids that were, like, naturally? How about a KC Anthony masterpiece? Oh, nice. And it's barbecue that tastes like a dead child. Nicely done, my friend. Nice. That's very good shit. If you want, ah, Nancy Grace here, and I'm making my own barbecue sauce now.

It's called KC Anthony masterpiece, and it's made out of dead babies. If you would like to smother your child in barbecue sauce, we will send you a paint mixing bucket that you can dunk your toddler's head into and murder them if you would like to be featured on the show. Fuck. I'm fucking my stomach. You knew I probably couldn't tell the difference between who I had to, Nancy Grace and Paula Deen.

You could. Paula Deen's got gray hair. Look, no, let's say the lights are very dim. You're having sex with an elderly woman. Paula Deen and Nancy Grace? Yeah. She's older, fatter. I mean, if you had to fuck one, maybe do pick Paula then.

I would pick Paula for sure. Yeah, she's a slut, dude. That's right. That fucking slutty old bitch. No, I mean, she is a slut, dude. If you watch the show, she's always like, and next is coming out is my beautiful 12-foot-long chocolatey clairs, like shirtless men. Bring them out.

She's sucking on the tip. Dude, you know Paula Deen sucks good dick. That's not saying, dude, she's a slut. She just fucking, oh, she probably has like a little melted butter brush she puts on your dick and reapplies periodically. She fucks like 21-year-old Brazilian dudes, right? Does she? Hell yeah, dude.

She gets it worked over. Well, that's the only time she uses the N-word. That was in the definition. That's how it started. They were like, have you ever used the N-word? And she's like, well, yes, but it's embarrassing. And then that's why they retracted all the details. The rest of it is only when she comes.

Oh, man. All right. I just loved her response to that. She said she used it one time, but like in 1983, when she was working at a bank that was robbed, that's the only time she said the N-word. That's so awesome. Which is like so fucked, because that's still not even a good excuse if you're like, yeah, all the time at home is a joke.

Yeah, of course. She's like, okay, she's normal, she's like a normal person. Yeah, on my podcast every once in a while, in terms of a good bit, but imagine you're working at a bank and the bank got robbed and you're like, well, I guess it's time to say it. Yeah. Take a little glass case, it's behind. Yeah.

Yeah. For emergencies only. Yeah. Oh. Break glasses. That's literally like the stand-up comic defense. How many people had, I think Voss had a joke or some, or maybe DePaulo was like, really, you say African-American when one cuts you off in traffic.

That's her defense. Sounds like DePaulo. Yeah. Probably DePaulo. But yeah, PD'ing, dude. Yeah, Nancy Grace probably doesn't fuck good. Black people don't really, they're not dicks when they drive, usually, I don't think. I don't think I've ever been cut off by a black person.

What? Never. Yeah. Even when you're in like Baltimore and D.C.? Yeah. I mean, maybe you know what it is, I just can't see who's driving the cars, but you're always drunk when you're driving. I know.

So you have no idea what the ethnicity is. First of all, nobody cuts me. One time I got in a fucking shouting match with this fucking old black dude that cut me off and his son was in the car and he was like, you better watch when you're like, what are you going to beat me up? Yeah. I was like, his poor son is just like yelling at me for no reason. I don't remember.

I was probably a dick also. I have some anger issues sometimes. Yeah. You have road rage. You do. It's annoying. Yeah. In the car a little bit.

That's why I love driving those trucks when I do that job. Oh my God. You're the king of the road. Yeah. No, I'll fucking, I'll just kill you. It's not even my truck, I could not care less. If you want to play chicken with me on Sixth Avenue. Do you ever win?

Yeah. I killed three or four families. You better not fuck with me. You're gonna fucking run your ass over. So it stops birthday this week. Yeah. I missed both my boys, dude. Yeah, I know.

Adam was sick and I had to go buy shit at Target. Yeah, you had to go run errands during my birthday party. Well, I thought there would be more time. I didn't realize how long it was going to take. Look, your boy got gone off those tequila sodas, dude. Well let's go to Dave and Buster's. We went to Dave and Buster's for my birthday and yeah, I thought I would be down. I don't want to go to Dave and Buster's for my birthday for my 30th birthday, guys.

I'm not 30. Dave and Buster sucks now. Why now? Because it's, you know, the market is like for adults, but it's actually for kids. Yeah. Yeah. It really is just Chuck E. Cheese. That's what like all marketing towards children is either like, this is really for adults

or like, hey, your parents are fucking retards. They don't understand why this cereal is good. Because your parents will never understand why you want to eat this cereal. Yeah. It's just because there's candy in it. Yeah. Yeah. Why are you encouraging secret keeping?

Yeah. Like fucking like a cinnamon toast crunch was like, it's a taste you can see, but adults can't see it. Right. Right. Right. Which sounds like something a pedophile would say, like, you have to keep this just between us.

Tell anybody how much you like our cereal and we'll kill your mom. Don't tell your parents about cinnamon toast crunch. If I was a pedophile, you know, they're like, oh, well, you got a van filled with candy. It's like, no, fill the van with cereal. Absolutely, dude. Yeah. Good shit. Tricks.

What was your favorite shit? I love tricks, dude. Oh, fruity pebbles. Yeah. Free and cocoa pebbles. Holy mother. We weren't allowed. You mix, you mix cocoa and fruity pebbles.

No, I get out of here with that shit, dude. Why? Sometimes I would cut them with Rice Krispie treats. Yeah. You know, just to kind of make it last, make the stash, step on it a little bit, step on the package. Well, for a while, they were selling just the marshmallows for Lucky Charms. That even to me is insane.

Yeah. And I love fucking. Bad marshmallows. I'm going to fucking, right after this, I'm going to go get a box of Lucky Charms and some milk and a couple of Oxy-Cottons. Dude, that sounds awesome. And I'm going to relive my childhood, the power of narcotics. I love that Simpsons line with Otto when they're watching the fucking meteor and he's

like, oh, I don't need drugs to enjoy this, only to enhance it. I have been getting stoned as hell and just running through movies, dude. Yeah. I saw Point Break. That shit is awesome. That's the way to watch movies is get high as shit and watch like 30 of them at a time. It was awesome. That's the only way to become a guy that's seen everything.

Absolutely. Which if you haven't done by age 30, you're just not going to be that guy. Absolutely. And that's the only thing I've ever wanted to be is that. Or actually, we could be those guys. Our lives are so stupid if we just, like I watched. I don't think you have the requisite, you know, catalog yet to even, I mean, you just now saw Indiana Jones.

Yeah. I'm talking about like Point Break and shit. Yeah. You can't do it. I saw Mulan, Sister Act, Point Break, Pulp Fiction. Anthony Kitas from Red Hot CPs is in it. Right? And Flea's in it too?

Flea's not in it. I was expecting to see Flea. It's just Kitas. Kitas is in it. Kitas, who by the way, it sounds like he really fucked a lot. Yeah. Back in the day. One time.

One time, my brother told me an anecdote he heard. He used the song from someone else who read the autobiography and apparently Kitas fucked Flea's sister when he was like 13 or some shit. Nice. He fucked his like adult sister. Yeah. So that's pretty cool. Man, it must be awesome to be a fucking, to be a rock star.

Just have that rock star weird charisma that also gets you addicted to drugs. Dude, that's what, but then you don't die from the drugs. So it's like, the only downside to drugs is that they fuck up your life and they can kill you. But if you live forever and you're rich no matter what, why not do you? Yeah, that's the best life. Why not? Like you can't say, oh wow, a heroine really destroyed their lives.

They could have been a successful millionaire. Right. No, they're fine. Yeah. But there's a ton of just people in shitty bands that get fucked up on drugs. They do a lot of drugs. Yeah. Yeah.

They're just the, they're the weird, you know, fucking exception of the rule. And also Red Hot Chili Peppers, not that good. From a butterfly sugar baby did a lot of heroin. Did he? Well, that's good. Shifty. Shifty Shellshock. Shifty Shellshock?

Yeah. Shifty Shellshock. Yeah. Shifty Shellshock. From Crazy Town. Crazy Town. Crazy Town. That guy looks a lot like Andrew Bucket.

Yeah. Shats at the bucket. Got molester or whatever we talked about that one time. He didn't get molested. He was doing a bit and the bit fell flat, I guess. He was doing a bit and then he heard us talk really, had him fall for it. He's like, I feel really bad cause I'm gay. He was like, dude, I can't believe you talked about that.

I had a lot of explaining to do. I had to talk to all my friends about how I got molested. They found out about it on come town. I was like, dude, I feel so bad. And Nick's like, yeah, he's doing a bit, dude. He's doing a fucking bit right now, the fucking master of trolls. Oh no, dude, I just got an Instagram message, I think, or a Twitter message. I think my Instagram is done for good, dude.

Did they delete it? I think so. R.I.P. Fuck. Dude, I'm off all social media now except Instagram. That's cool. You're like a fuck. I'm a teen.

You're a slutty girl, dude. That's cool. I'm just going to do a bunch of puppy filter pictures. You should do ass selfies in the mirror. Yeah. Are you like... I need a full length mirror that I sit in the Indian style in front of and do puppy filter pictures.

Nothing but that. My makeup strewn about, my hair straightener, you know. My shit is like little like, like nine year old gay, gay white boys that think they're like black hot girls. They're like all these accounts that always pop up with like boys that are just like fucking perking their ass out and like taking with puppy filter like mirror selfies. That's what pops up on your- Dude, people find this all the time. I feel like I miss this and I would love to make fun of Adam, but-

Adam's saying that the suggested follow is on his Instagram, the pop-up or nine year old gay boys. No. I never said that was the suggested follow. Dude, they said my shit got taken down because of bullying and harassment? What the fuck? Yeah, because you're harassing the fat woman again. Reindeer?

No. It's because you're making fun of body positivity. No, I'm not. I'm a body positive warrior. Dude, if you're a woman, this would be such a big story. This is crazy. It's all the alt-right guys here about this. Dude, what the- it would be one thing if they said it was fucking nudity or whatever.

There was no nudity. Like getting my dick sucked by the reindeer was the problem. If you're a BBW, this would be- What the fuck? You could be on Oprah right now. Bullying and who the fuck did I harass? This is what happens when you satirize, you know- I didn't- It's not satire? It's- Come on, dude.

I'm 100%. People feel better, dude, because of me and my work. And I will not stop. I will be back. Yeah. Just starting a new account. Fuck, man. Bullying and fucking- I didn't even bully anyone on Instagram.

All my bullying is usually through the podcast or Twitter or whatever. Yeah. This is crazy. Who's fault is this? I don't know. Some snitch. Someone snitched. And I will find you, dude.

Who doesn't like you? I feel like Nick and I have a ton of enemies. I feel like you don't have any. I have enemies, dude. Yeah, plenty of enemies. Maybe just someone who hates Nick. Yeah, that's what I figured it was. But I don't think so, really.

Yeah, no. People are that petty. Yeah. Who knows? Maybe someone who hates my laugh. My Discover page, just as an aside, my Discover page is just dunks, basically, and sneakers and rap video girls. When you say dunks, you mean people putting their balls in a young black boy's mouth?

No, very cool slam dunks. Dunking their testicles in an aged boy's mouth? It's just butts and dunks. Are Dunkaroos Australian? That's what I was about to ask earlier, but I'm sick and slow. Yeah, why did earners lick me, dude? Because you got butter all over your forearms? Yeah, but I'm baking.

So that's for me for later, Ernest. Dunkaroos are not Australian. They're stolen from, they're like cultural appropriation. Dude, that's fucked. How did that become the most successful animal to kangaroo? Because it's stupid looking? It's their national animal. It's not the only people that have it.

It's on, like, logos for shit. Why? Because they're the only people that have it. It's distinctive. They got other cool shit, though. Koalas. They're koalas, but they're not as fucking badass. Nah, they got Tasmanian devils.

That's Tasmania, bitch. Tasmania is a part of Australia. Dude, I don't think that's true, and I will never look it up. Yes, it is. Fuck yeah. Words to live by. Dude, I fucking hate the internet. Used to be able to be dumb as shit, and you could just be confident.

I know. Used to be able to bully people that were lesser than you on the internet. Now you have to bully, like, the president and stuff. The internet used to be a place where you just make people cry. Personally, I hate bullying harassment, and I've been framed by Instagram. Four to eight years just quote-tweeting the president, and it's like actually dumbass in chief. You can't do that, asshole.

Everything. You're now just the guys you spent eight years making fun of. All those fucking T-kai guys, you're the same thing. I mean, I understand being angry, but it doesn't do anything. You just fucking embarrass yourself if you're doing that quote-tweet the president thing. Of course. But it's also, I mean, you are going to embarrass yourself, it doesn't do anything, but it's also like, it's crazy to think that this is how people used to feel about Obama.

Obama. And not even because of his, like, most of it because he was black. Because he's black. Like, that's what's insane. Like, yeah, I get the urge to be like, fucking idiot Trump, because he's like tweeting about Arnold Schwarzenegger shit. Whether it's based in fact or not, but there's plenty of people that fucking were drinking the Kool-Aid about, oh, he's going to take all of our guns and like, you know, the extra

judicial, not really, they didn't care about that, but definitely second amendment bullshit. So it's not entirely racist, even though it was mostly. And you know, I don't know. I think it was. I mean, I mean, it was just, it was all fucking, it just fueled it. They would have these fears about whoever, you know, about Hillary, but like, yeah, like 2000. Sorry.

I just keep thinking about my Instagram. I'm thinking about like 2009 when I first started to see those, and like a lot of it was that he was the anti Christ. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's insane. Or a gay prostitute. But all of that is just, just slight code for like, we don't want to black.

I mean, why is he the anti Christ? Because he's fucking black. You know what I mean? And that's what's insane is that like, for all those reasons, people felt this badly. Yeah. Trump actually is so crazy, weird and fucking dangerous. Like how unstable that fucking, he's mostly unstable. It's.

Yeah. Obama, like I listen, he also deployed millions of people. The poor people he got, he also ratted that tatted a lot of children, children. Yeah. Yeah. But like, at least he was like fucking put together. Dude, Trump is, is unraveling. We are one, we are 1.6% of the way through his four year term today.

It's so he's been to Mar-a-Lago every weekend. He's fucking crazy, dude. Why wouldn't he? He just keeps going. You have to go on vacation. He's not going to make it. I don't think the vacations are that big of a deal. Some people do that with every president.

Like, oh, Bush played golf, you know, 40% of the time he was on. They would go to, they would stay in the White House. I don't know, man. It's weird. He's taken calls at Mar-a-Lago. Yeah. He was there hanging out. Like, it's not like he shuts down Mar-a-Lago and does business.

It's just like people are fucking eating. What is Mar-a-Lago? It's beautiful. It was built by, uh, uh, Amber, do you know who it was built by? What's her name? The real estate developer that was like also, uh, she was like an actress too. Uh, um, uh, Dorothy Hamill. Yeah.

Yeah. Dorothy Hamill built Mar-a-Lago. What's that? Yeah. Yeah. That's it. It's Mar-a-Lago. It's Mar-a-Lago, it's Mar-a-Lago.

I'm supposed to post Maryweather. Emily Post. Yeah. Uh, Maryweather Post Pavilion. Yeah. Maryweather, same people. Nice. Yeah.

Maryweather Post. I don't know. Is it a slightly stupid place there also? Is it a house or a house? Is it a club? It's a club? Yeah. It's like, it's, it's, it's a big resort.

It's a big resort with a big fucking house. Yeah. That's fucking nuts. Yeah. He's over there fucking taking calls in the dining room. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. I'm sure it's tight.

Shit, I'll go let's all go Let's go and like over here some fucking you'll be cool Oh, if he also owned the Winchester house that haunted house made by the gun family Oh, and then he did all his vacations there. I don't know about that or Universal Studios. That would be That would be awesome dude, and he was on like Space Mountain taking calls He says his own private Excuse me. Yeah, we have to shut down all the Wayne's world shit. This is Trump's dress like Garth. He's taking phone calls. This is Garth I want the dog that also looks like Garth. Find me that dog

I like just bringing another dog. He's like this is not the same dog He's like I want the one from the movie like sure that dog's been dead for years Like we're working on the technology to bring the dog back to life Trust me. It's gonna be great Mexico is gonna pay for it. Oh, yeah, good. I'll send that joke to Bill Maher. That's not bad, dude Yeah, Bill Maher Trump's meeting with Putin Yeah, this will be interesting to see if they meet anywhere outside of a bathroom with a hole in the stall That's that's better. It's not that Bill Maher

Yeah, it's a bill. I'd laugh at any joke with a glory hole though to be fair Yeah, I feel like it's just it's gonna be four years of Bill Maher calling the president gay In different ways. I you know, it's just like I don't think he does that. I think he's like more like Does like jokes about a weed and stuff about how he's yeah, and also and God really doubles down on muscle all Muslims Be any heads like that shit is so fucking funny. It's like that's your stance. You fucking piece of shit He's just such a smug atheist. He thinks he's better than all religions, but he's so shitty about Muslims. Yeah He's a devout atheist. Oh the worst kind of person That's the best kind of Twitter bio to have devout atheist

Automatic follow. All right. Well, we got to wrap this up, but there's I just want to touch on something funny Maybe we could I was saying Valentine's Day. It's weird that there's candy given out on Valentine's Day You know because the people who enjoy candy the most fat people Don't usually have Valentine's Day. Oh, I don't know that that's true You know and it feels mean that a lot of people have plenty of Because it's for hot people Valentine's Day No, it's for everyone vegetables or vitamins all bodies all bodies deserve But we make little kids do Valentine's so they could like fuck each other. Yeah. Yeah

That's weird. They have to give out you have to give out Valentine's Day. Did you guys get my Valentine's? I mailed them to you. No, did they make you do that? Yeah, they made you in that box in a box and then sometimes you wouldn't give you to guys ugly girls stuff. That's bullshit You just want to get the hot through it third There's no holiday five ass people 11 year olds. You're always that yes, there is no what Thanksgiving bitch Uh, no, that's for Americans. No, dude. That's for which who are fat people? Americans Americans were the fattest also holler at me at Greek Easter. You want to see a holiday for fat people, dude I guess that's more on the fucking spit all day lamb chops on the grill. I can't wait

Is there a patron saint of obesity? It is Paula Dean actually yeah, St. Paula Yeah, it's fucking Dom Deleuze. He's the patron saint of obesity Is that real? St. Charles of Borneo apparently saying diabetes Dionysus the Greek god he would go off and wine guys. Yeah. He is wine. I think he was gluttonous also Yeah, wine. No, I think he just turned it into wine in a stone Now he would eat he would go crazy dude. He would have like big-ass fucking buck on alls, dude

Yeah, I mean, I know it's a Roman word. They stole they stole so much of our shit, dude. Yeah, the room room, dude Yeah, slutty Dionysus guys dick sucked. He had those satyrs those guys with horns. Yeah, they were horny as hell That's true. You know, there's always bitch around prior to They stole our shit. They're farmers Prior to anything everyone's basically just farmers. Yeah, right? Yo, check this out Leather skirts But I mean like why did they just steal the culture because it could they did probably didn't think that was real I mean, I'm sure they had some sort of like origin myth or whatever

I mean, probably our shit just spread to there because it's like yeah, ancient Greece probably just was I got it was like probably clear answers on all this. Yeah I don't know. There's like a boat or something. We probably own that shit and then we got our shit. Yeah fucked up How they just like didn't know any like ancient language and then they were like fucking Somebody was blown up a town and they were like, oh check this out. It's like Just the most important Yeah, who knows how much it has just gotten fucking destroyed Yeah, we know about the Alexandria Library, right? Yeah, they burned all that shit

Yeah, that because that library burned down like the human humanity went into the dark ages It's crazy because we just lost so much knowledge. Yep. I hope we go into another dark ages Who burned that shit down? I don't remember. I Want nothing I started watching hero the other night again jet Lee and I just want nothing but to be a Chinese warlord Hey, that's you would fucking rule whatever that stick is like a the pole arm It's a stick with a sword at the end. Ooh, which is genius Everybody's some dumbass comes at you with a sword. You're like, all right. Well, I have a sword plus 10 feet So isn't that just a spear? No

Basically, no spears just got like a spearhead on it. Yeah, but it's based on arms at the end is a sword Yeah, it's basically spear. Well, kind of a ho hum in holiday special I don't know if you have any dating tips for you guys. Should we plug the show? Yes, please The 20 said that at the top. Yeah, I know the 21st We're at Caroline's the 28th. We're at come on everybody. Please come out to Caroline's. It's our big show It's we're on Broadway. That's there's a lot of you know songs New York on Broad, you know, that's this is our big night guys. And if it doesn't go well

Maybe we'll cancel it'll be embarrassing as hell. It'll be very embarrassing And we've got some big acts that are gonna be coming out We can't say who but they're they're big and I just want Anderson I would think my co-hosts Nick and stuff for carrying this one. I'm fucking dying of illness. Oh, that's all right Oh, by the way guys, I got final cut. So we are we are definitely two or three months away from the video stuff It's coming real soon right around the corner. I mean that was the problem is that I couldn't edit it Yeah, I thought I already had it from here on my Now I have two different pieces of editing well, and we're all gonna take like six months screenwriting classes also

Yeah, I get that ever get that under the screenwriting and we're doing actually Meisner I did last night. I did last night sit down and log an entire episode of Sweet Valley High and divvied up shot by shot nice Maybe put myself in an episode of Sweet Valley High Sweet Valley High is cool It's where it's like Jughead and Archie suck each other's dicks or whatever. No But there's a new Archie out where they get their dick sucked. Yeah, that's the one I'm thinking of yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, what is that? That's not Sweet Valley High. That's Archie. It's called something that sounds a lot like sweet Ridgewood High some like that, but it's Archie. Ridgefield

We're in the Bronx No, it's never actually explained where Archie is specifically Archie gets head Jughead gets head more evidence that Archie is From New York than anything else, but it's never made clear Interesting. Yeah. Well, these are the questions to ponder everyone We got any Archie fans out there and he fans a ham radio child pornography Let us know Take a break from for beating off the CP. Mm-hmm. Let us know the backstory with Archie Yes, yeah, no Archie's Archie's had a weird he had a black girlfriend in the 70s for the first time

That was big dude. That was big for civil rights. Yeah, Archie should be gay now. I think I think is it gay? Is it or is Jughead gay? One of the main guys is gay now. Jughead's gay now They're still making those comics. No in the show or something in the show or maybe in the comics I thought Jughead was a monarch. I thought that was his. You literally cannot make an original idea. Was what? Jughead was a monarch Yeah, that's why he's wearing a crown. Yeah, that was like his that's his minority. He's a king in exile, right? He's from some small like European principality. He's a Bask. He's a Bask monarch. Yeah, what's funny is shit is they still do make every comic and they just like have gone through every idea like Jughead, I think it is in the comics like Batman is like, I don't know

And there's something yeah, I like how Marvel is cashing in on all this is what I fucking love is Yeah, there's like those Marvel movies those Marvel movies got popular with like fucking the big ones like spider-man and Batman And it took like four years before they're like, yeah, we really have only produced a couple of good ideas. So here's Uh What was that shitty Seth Ruggum of the green hornet? Did it suck yeah, it's Michelle Gondry who made it but yeah, but I never saw it Well, that's how quickly they ran out of fucking comic book shit to draw from well now They got black panther now that actually is probably gonna be tight

The show is cool. Which show the black panther show. I never saw it. Yeah, there's an animated black really Yeah, I would peep that shit. I might be on Netflix. Dr. Strange suck dick. We talked about that Ant-man apparently was good. I don't know. Okay, they should make Ant-man, but it's Anthony Kumeya And his power is the n-word. No his power is a gun It's a gun and a very a detailed knowledge of stand your ground laws state by state Um, what do you guys stand your ground good or bad? That's where we're leaving Yeah, tweet a lot of fun tweet at Nick's happy Valentine's Day