The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - 41

I'm not a foolish guy, don't even feel like drinking or even getting high Cause all that's gonna do really is accelerate Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Carolines on Broadway America's premier comedy nightclub in the heart of Times Square It's show time and we've got a great show for you tonight So sit back, relax and get ready to laugh That's right folks, we've got a great show for you tonight Now please put your hands together for the host of Come Town

Welcome to England, Star Wars Alpheus and Nick Mullins Every got one piece, every got one piece Hell yeah Hello, wow, that wasn't enough pussy specialist Yeah, let it run a little bit Let's put this back on Who recognizes this? Yeah, you do?

What's the name? You got it? No, it's not What did you walk out of here? Boomer Anybody, it's $600 If you could guess the name Stop will pay you $600 I'm just buying it right now

My own money Whose names do we should tell people? No, you're not allowed to shazam the song Right in front of us Gully Wop, you got it It's not Gully Wop It's Gully Bop It's Gully Bop

Yo, Gully Bop's tight Well, the song's called Pussy Specialist Which is a great name for Official Come Town endorsement for Gully Bop We found out about him last night after recording nine podcasts in a row He's our favorite He was a homeless drug addict That is now Jamaica's most famous singer-songwriter

When he went viral, somebody recorded him in an alley Very similar to our story Homeless drug addicts Someone recorded in an alley And then a radio station played him And then he blew up And then immediately started releasing songs called Pussy Specialist And they were like, whoopsie daisy

But he's too powerful now He's the prime minister of Jamaica now They have a prime minister? What's the government of Jamaica? Is it whatever we tell them? The CIA demands of them Let's get Gully Bop in there Let's get the Pussy Specialist guy in there

No, I think it's whoever can do the biggest bong rip, dude Are any of you guys adult bong rip guys? You guys still do bong rips? Hell yeah, dude, don't lie, you motherfuckers No one rips bingers here Come on, dude What's the thing called where you do the dab and then the beer? It's a dab marine, actually

You smoke a dab and you drink 24 ounce Typically it's a cate Hell yeah, dude I think that's the chillest Mexican vibe that you can bring And then you just exhale that shit And then you exhale it Adam knows about this It's this weird YouTube genre of people to do

I don't even know what a dab is That's past me, so it's wax, right? Yeah, it's a weed constant drink You do a special type of weed You drink the beer and then you do the bong rip And then you exhale all of it It's not even like smoking weed, it's like doing drugs It's like doing real drugs

What I like is that all those videos, it's all guys that Clearly have alimony payments It's a backwards hat, you know And a Bob Marley poster in there A Gully Bob poster in there Shout out to you guys for coming You guys have been to Times Square non-ironically Well, sort of ironically

To see us, an irony podcast What? No, we're seriously racist This is a legitimately good show That we are not surprised people listen to and come to Yeah, this is a surprising turnout It's so good that it's like disappointing Then there's too much pressure

And it's like, well You have to be kind of sincere, right? No, probably not I'm just surprised girls are here right now Shout out girls What's up? Who dragged you here? Your girlfriends, right?

Your boyfriends are like, yeah, I gotta go to this cum thing tonight You're dating stunted men emotionally So you're all here And you're like, not the girls that I would expect You're actually good-looking women Your eyes The men are all disasters Everyone here

I'm always disappointed when blind people don't do two eye patches Why would you... That would be awesome Or the Jordy LaForge thing That hair band shit Oh, just a headband all the way down When I was a daycare as a kid I would always steal girls' headbands and pretend to be

Which is where you use the power of being a nerd to bully Yeah Who's Jordy LaForge? She's the blind guy on Star Trek Shut up, you don't watch Star Trek We just watched an episode last night We watched one episode I've watched Star Trek, I've seen every single Star Trek movie

Why are we even talking about this right now? Because I brought it up, I'm sorry I always kind of want to talk about Star Trek a little bit It's fine Star Trek fans? Really? Are you a Star Trek fan? No, of course not

You're a boyfriend here What's that? Gollybop should be on Star Trek They should make a new Star Trek Where Gollybop plays Jordy LaForge And it's the forgetting how to reading Rainbow Guy It's a planet where no one pays their child support That's the Gollybop planet

Look him up, it's a good joke We thought we'd be able to talk about Gollybop for a good 45 minutes Yeah, the settlers today just said Gollybop So we ran dry, quick as hell But you know, what are you going to do? Talk about, Nick, you're leaving? I'm leaving, Adam's leaving too to go see his mom who's dying Jesus Christ, dude

That's out there My family listens to this My family does not listen to this My dad tried to listen to it And he said that it was just stoner movie recollections Yeah, that is 75% That's probably the nicest summation of the podcast you could offer Yeah, and it was anti-Israel too

Your dad thinks everything's anti-Israel Of course, yeah, of course I mean, he's accused waiters of being anti-Israel Did that happen for real? Yeah, I think, actually once What was the context? We were at Chili's I thought it was maybe Dix, you know that place, Dix

The restaurant would insult you The waiter comes out waiting, stepping Has anyone been to that place? My dad immediately was like, oh, I got this one I'm going to burn that tip, dude You guys know that restaurant, Dix? It's this restaurant chain, Dix, where the theme is like The waiter's a fucking asshole, right?

So that you go to the table and be like, hey, nice tits, bitch You want the mozzarella sticks? Yeah, that's cool There's a couple of them, and if you go on Yelp There's always like one or two reviews from people That thought they were going to fucking Olive Garden They called my 12-year-old daughter a fucking horn training They put a horn training on a hat and put it on her head

Yeah, a cone-shaped hat A dunce cap We need to bring back the dunce cap I think that's probably like a Williamsburg thing We can get started Like a legit dunce cap You should just go to a bar called Dunce And everyone has to face the wall and wear one of those hats

That's the theme, you know? You don't have to make conversation at all That'd be so authentic That probably already exists, right? They only sort of switchell Switchell and Mead There's a Mead place, yeah In Ridgewood, Queens

The Apple Store in Williamsburg sells Mead The dunce hats, so they look like the Klan hats, right? They're the same hat? Yeah, well, it's the same concept, really Oh, okay You say a bad word in class You begin to become a grand wizard Did they ever make...

In my fucking school, they made you stand up And look at the wall without the dunce cap That shit sucked, dude I hated standing up That was not cool And the fucking deny was not cool I had back problems for no reason in particular Yeah

And couldn't think of why But it really... Mr. Richmond fucked that dude, man But when you fucked up or just... What was the... Yeah, when you fucked up But how would you fuck up that he would make you stand up? I don't know, man

I would do a good singer, you know? I would call... I made fun of my friend for spelling his name wrong once And then... I think I told the story of the podcast He just spelled his name He got a 95 on a spelling test And it was out of 10

And he got five points off for spelling his name wrong And that's what I learned about bullying Like, right then, I was like, you fucking idiot Yeah, yeah, yeah Well, that's weird, because teachers wouldn't usually do that Yeah, this lady sucked, Mr. King So I'm just name dropping all of my teachers From John Rural Elementary School

Hell yeah, you know it Do we have any graduates of that school here? No Does anyone learn how to spell their name And get the degree from... Or is it John Rural? That's a fucking hard name to spell That should be on the test, right, folks?

I guess Did anybody say your school was haunted? They said my school was haunted They were like, he killed children Yeah, yeah It's like, why would they name a school after a guy who murders children? To get him to stop That's what I...

That was his deal That was the bargain they made We named the school after you You have to stop killing these kids I was thinking about Nightmare on Elm Street the other day Like, you know, so Freddy's supposed to be like this ultimate villain Or whatever, right? And the story is, is that he was like

Like a pedophile That people burned And then he came back And then he was killing teenagers And it's like Yeah, he was worse as the pedophile They still made the right decision killing that guy I mean, a dead teenager is pretty bad

But it's better than a molested baby Yeah, right So wait a second, why did he start killing? He was fucking in his dreams Isn't that right? Because that would be a pleasure That would just be a weird sex dream Yeah

I couldn't imagine waking up and being like That's weird, I fucked a Bernie guy with scissor hands You know, a weird smelly kid sweater on Dude, why would they... That wouldn't affect me at all I would be like, that must be revenge for something my parents did You don't think if you got raped every night For your whole adolescence, that would fuck you up in your dreams?

No, I seem fine I think I turned out okay Personally I don't know, dude, that's a big fucking plot hole, dude Yeah, it is That's all I have, really, is pointing out inconsistencies in movies For like four years, I was going around I used to quit comedy now

Because I made enough money to not have to do it anymore But for years, I was going around doing a bit about that movie Homeward Bound A classic And I just drunkenly completely forgot the plot I was doing this bit, like, yeah So the plot is what you... Yeah, I'm sure everybody's moved, right? You've moved in your life

Have you ever forgotten all three of your pets? You wouldn't do it, especially the ones that talk And then people would be like, you know, they wouldn't laugh at it And then it took literally four years for someone to be like Yeah, that's not what happens, actually They don't move, they go on vacation, the animals are confused And then I continued doing that bit for another six years Wait, those are some dumbass dogs then, dude

No, they know how to speak, they're... But then, wouldn't they understand that it's vacation time? No, dogs don't go on vacation, they're smart, they're just ignorant To the process of going on vacation You think the dogs just fucking kick back Just shit all over the... You know what I mean? Like, isn't that what dogs want to do? Just go fucking bub wild in the house?

Yeah, that's what my dog wants to do Does your dog shit in the house? No, not anymore, just when it was scared Adam got like a pit bull And it's a very sweet dog, but it has to wear a muzzle everywhere Yeah Which, that's weird, that she still has that in her Yeah

I gotta say, older African American women Do not like seeing my dog with the muzzle walking down the street So much so that I get yelled at all the time For having that dog Yeah, but black people in general don't respect you Or people in general don't That's true You can never face

Yeah, well, that's on my fault, it's their fault For not accepting me For stealing their neighborhood One time, one time we were in a bodega And some lady just comes up to me And called Adam a bitch ass and word And then she kissed me on the cheek and left It was awesome

I didn't know this woman at all She just loved me and hated Adam It was sight unseen, it was really cool It was actually really funny because right before Zav walked in She tried to give this guy a hug in the bodega And he's like, if you pay me $20 And then I gave her a kiss for free Is that a type of prostitution?

A hug? I feel like it should be more of a crime to sell emotions Than it should be sex That's because you don't understand emotions at all I don't understand your life Is that what the girlfriend experience is? Yeah You just have an emotion

I feel like prostitution, that should be fine If you're a Walmart greeter, you should be thrown in prison I think your job is to smile at people To fucking lie to them with your face That's fucked up I don't like it Yeah Well, what are you doing in Vegas while you're there?

Going to the doctor with my woman Well, I mean, are you gonna gamble? Like with cars, not with your mother's life Okay I'm gonna gamble We're gonna go to a restaurant, maybe, for her birthday Tomorrow? No, we're gonna go to a nice restaurant

They're gonna go to dicks They're gonna go to dicks They're like, oh, look at this bitch What, she got Parkinson's? You're like, actually, yes She does And he's like, oh, it's that family again from before I'm sorry about all that anti-Semitism stuff

I just really need this job No Oh, fuck Thank god we got some ducks out of that, right? Out of that family tragedy Comedy is the best medicine That's what it's all about They certainly don't have a cure for that shit

We gotta laugh Comedy is all we have It's all we have to laugh at Until she gets better It's true I read the New England Journal of Medicine There was an article recently about Parkinson's And they just said a comedy

That's the only thing Just watch Patch Adams Did you watch Patch Adams? You're cured Did Patch Adams save any of those children? No I haven't seen that movie, but isn't that the plot? Is that he's just really shitty at medicine But he's like, whoa, I'm a clown

Isn't that funny? He made them giggle their way to their deaths I was loving it when I was just like the paper cut ward And he had like 100% failure rate Because he just needed bandaids Because he was doing rubber chicken And his girlfriend died because he befriended a crazy guy Real sad Patch Adams

I don't remember at all I saw it in theaters, East Point Mall Hell yeah Just saying stuff from Baltimore These four guys are gonna be excited as hell You know it's always weird that Coppola did Jack Yeah, that's strange I don't have anything funny to say about that at all

But that always weirded me out He wrote so many great movies And then he was like, let's do a thing where a man child farts Inside of a coffee can Passes around with his friends Alright, we gotta start the show Because our first comic has to get out of here right after this Sorry, you're waving at us

No, he's great We want you to see it Good ass, professional ass I don't, his time is important Okay everyone, hey Hey, oh, ah Seriously though, our first comic Thank you so much for coming guys

And our first comic is great One of my favorites I've been nude in a room with this man so many times Please, a big round of applause for Matteo Lane everybody Hi everyone, how are you? Obviously, okay It's me already Hi, I'm gay, obviously

No question Too many mic stands Give it up for Come Town, everyone Very funny Yeah, I remember Homeward Bound What a haul, you know the problem in Homeward Do you guys remember Homeward Bound? The problem in that movie is Shadow

He's just like an old senile fuck That the rest of those idiots And first of all, I think that he wanted What's the cat's name? No, not Sally Field, I mean that's the woman who played her First of all, let me just say this I saw Babe first with her mouths like moved And then I saw Homeward Bound

And they're mouths don't move, they're just talking So for like 15 minutes, my stupid like 7 year old self Like what the fuck is talking right now? It's just dogs writing buttons right now Sassy, her name was Sassy, yeah Sassy, he wanted Sassy, dead There was like that scene where like she fell over that waterfall And literally it was the equivalent of Shadow

Just like looking over being like Well, she's gone, let's go It's like Shadow, you know What a fucking old piece of shit I hated Shadow's relationship with Peter Like what a weird like, right? It was like Peter was like oh she was like drawing Shadow At his school desk, why was he at his school desk?

Why don't they have a case, what a dumb movie Alright, stupid, stupid, stupid film Hi, I'm gay Obviously, is anyone else gay here or just me? Yes Hey Alright Thank you

What a big, okay Well, just us two, welcome Did you have fun in middle school? See the thing, you did have fun in middle school? Get out of here, you piece of shit If you had a good time in middle school Just get up and get out because you're not a good person now I just, I hated middle school

And here's the thing, like as comedians we're never split Like everyone's like don't make fun of kids Like especially like Baron Trump, that's the thing Now it's like don't make fun of Baron Trump Because he's a kid, it's like fine, I won't But also like, if I can think of one time in my life That people were the meanest to me, it was middle school Like I, okay so my name is Matteo Lane

And my biggest fear is that everyone's going to call me Like Matteo Lane, you're so lame That was, I was just so horrified Thank god they didn't, they just skipped straight to faggot So I was like, see I fooled them It was horrible, I hated sex That was the worst class ever

Because I had, okay so my teacher, his name was Mr. Full Uh, it's, I don't want to say it, hopefully he's dead But um, he was, the sex ed was horrible I'm from Chicago so everyone in my class is just a piece of shit And like what he would do, I'm not saying he's homophobic But he would have these like giant posters of like the vagina And like the male anatomy And then he would point to only the male butthole

And literally scream at sixth graders and go This is an exit sign only! What? This has nothing to do with reproductive I should have stood up and been like, then I fail Who has the time? It was such a shitty class What we do is, okay so like in the class Mr. Full had

I don't want to say his real name because it's being reported So I've been saying it for the past couple of weeks And he was like, whoa! But he, okay so we had like an anonymous question box Because there was no Google back then Just 101 free minutes of aol.com So what he would do is have this question box If you had a question for him, you would answer the question

And of course like we just filled it up with like Thousands of questions that were wildly inappropriate That were all about Mr. Full and his wife It was all like, Mr. Full do you, we don't know anything about sex Mr. Full, do you touch your wife's tit, you know whatever So like a bunch of those, you know And the box for some reason had the little mermaid on it I don't know why, but that's a memory of mine

Which is kind of, oh another rumor about Mr. Full Is that he didn't have any semen because he drank Mountain Dew Does anybody remember that rumor? Right, remember that stupid rumor? And what was like yellow five or something was the ingredient? So stupid that he didn't have any semen Well I loved to that like six great boys were all like Oh I can't drink Mountain Dew man, gotta save my sperm

For what, your sock later? Like what are you talking about? So anyway, so Mr. Full, we had this anonymous question box And so we filled it up literally with hundreds of questions That were all wildly inappropriate And just, he should have known because there's only 26 kids in the class About 110 questions and we're all in the back of the class Like answer the question box!

So he would go up and literally read the questions like this And he'd be like, alright let's see the question box Mr. Full, have you and your wife, I'm not answering that Mr. Full, have you ever, I'm not answering that So, every single one So the one question he decided to answer Which it blows my mind to this day that he thought that Obviously it was a fake question

Like I don't know why he's, okay this he just, I'm, alright I'm just gonna say what it was, he takes the question and he goes I believe that's a fair question This person wants to know what snowballing is So Knight of Honesty, if you don't know what snowballing is Clap, just Knight of Honesty, I want to know Alright, wow there's a lot of gross people in here, okay So this is what he said, 6th graders, keep in mind 6th graders

You tell me if you think this is appropriate Snowballing is when a man ejaculates into a woman's mouth And she spits it back in his mouth 6th grade And of course I'm an impressionable 6th grader So I'm just walking around thinking my parents and teachers Are all spinning, coming to each other's mouths Except for Mr. Full, he drinks Mountain Dew

Oh god, well here we are I don't know, I just, I hate dating I think that's such a hacky thing for comics to talk about But with gays it's even worse because all we have is like Grinder, which is a gay dating app It's like a step above tapping underneath a bathroom stall And you know, Pokemon Go, that's it, those are our options I'm really, really, the thing is I feel like I'm just

I feel like I'm a person who shouldn't be in I'm too crazy when I date Is anyone else a crazy dater here? Like I'm an intense human being when I date And no one's raising their hand, you're all just mild Fuck you, alright, so I am The thing is, I think it's an ethnic thing It's like an origin thing, it's like my Italian jeans

I should not be dating with people who aren't I am like, it's like an Iguana, I should be in a desert on a rock Instead I'm in a fucking tank in some kid's room in Montana Where there's snow everywhere, let me explain So I was, so I, dating in America sucks So I went to Italy, I have a lot of family in Italy And I was in Rome and I was on Tinder Just swiping no to everybody

And I found this one guy, Francesco, so we matched And oh by the way, in Italy, the men that look so gay That I passed were straight, it's a problem I look like I'm crushing pussy in Italy And the word for gay in Italian is just gay That's it If you're Italian, you know it's okay So I matched with Francesco and he wasn't out of the closet

So the whole date kind of felt like a drug deal Because he was like, meet me at this place at this time I'm like, okay, so I went to this place and I saw him He was literally standing in a shadow And I was just like, Francesco, he's like, come on So we ran and one hour, the date was one hour full opera Every emotion you could feel, I felt it in one hour with this guy He immediately started arguing with each other

Because he's not out of the closet So I'm just screaming at him like And he's just like We immediately start making out And while we were making out, he'd never done this before So he started yelling at him, he broke He started screaming at himself He'd be like, push me away

And he was like, Francesco, what are you doing? My dating in America is so much different Where it's just like, oh, so you have a brother That's interesting I need to go But I have to say, you guys have been a wonderful audience And give it up for Stavros and come down But I'm sorry, I'm sorry I have to go so early

I'm such a piece of shit I have to go perform for our other drums Bye, everyone, have a good night Shadows and assholes My man fills out a sweatshirt, nice, huh? That is a sexy boy right there Guys, really keep the show rolling Seriously, the show's our favorites

This next comic, a good friend of mine Super fun, he's been on Comedy Central Big round of applause for Sarah Tolemash, everybody Let her hear it Hi guys Very cool It's cool Feel the love in here, that's good

I did my taxes today, have you guys done that yet? That's cool Oh, cool, you're on it, that's good I did it, I hate doing them I feel like the hardest part about doing your taxes Is like getting all that paperwork together And then like organizing it So you can just put it in an envelope

And mail it to your dad so he can do it for you It's like, ah, who has the time for that? So I'm just thinking about just going to H&R Block And then see if they'll mail it to my dad for me Where I'm like, you guys are closer than the post office I have been hanging out with my dad a lot lately He's getting old, actually he is old He's not getting old, he's right there

You could tell though, because he's getting forgetful Like I went shopping with him And he ended up, he accidentally left my sister and I in the car We were fine though, because we were in our thirties I was like, dad, if we were babies we would have died Instead we just watch YouTube videos and roll down the window Babies can't do that Because they're stupid

Stupid babies He also can't hear well Which is annoying, because a lot of times when I'm hanging out with him I'm just yelling and repeating small talk Which is frustrating It's so stupid Like I was with him the other day and I just said Oh, it looks like they cut the shrubs out here pretty short

And he's like, what did you say? I was like, you want me to repeat that? I didn't even want to say it in the first place Everybody thinks I'm so passionate about these shrubs outside I'm like, why are they so short? Let's get on that It's so annoying I watched that documentary on Netflix

Minimalists, I guess Is that what it's called? I think that's what it's called Have you guys seen it? Yeah Oh, cool one, dude Are you doing it? No

No But you're all by yourself though That's pretty minimal It's nice You're doing it, you don't realize you're doing it That's awesome I did it It's cool, it's where you throw away a lot of stuff that you don't need

So I did it this weekend It's really liberating After a while I was like, what else do my boyfriend stuff can I throw out? So cool It's really easy, you just like, what you're supposed to do is you just pick up one of his objects And then you ask yourself, does this bring me joy? And if it doesn't, you just toss it So no more Xbox

It's cool, we're making progress We're down to three iPhone chargers, that's good I did Uber pool recently, have you guys done that? No Oh, just few, cool I did it by accident though, like I didn't realize I pressed the pool part on the app So the driver came and picked me up and then he went to go pick up another person So I thought I was getting murdered

And I still didn't say anything I was just in the backseat like, um, uh, never mind I don't want to be a bother during my murder I was like, what was the other option, fight for my life and then be wrong? That's so embarrassing We were like, sorry for scratching your eyes out I'll just give you five stars Seems even, it's pretty good

I just got my cable and my IUD installed It was a bundle package Time Warner's doing some really great things these days So I have like a hundred channels and zero babies It's like, yeah, it's pretty good I actually did get an IUD, I did no research getting it Like I just walked into Planned Parenthood and I was like, what are all the girls getting? I was like, that sounds great, let's put that in my vagina for seven years

I don't even know what it looks like, it could be a Lego piece in there falling out Just like a little Lego man hanging around It's like, no Everything is awesome I think I did more research buying a cell phone than I did getting an IUD And those only last two years and you don't stick those in your pussy So, I don't know what I was thinking It was so bad

Yeah, I got the seven year, I asked for the 20 year and they're like, we don't even make that I was like, you should Just set it and forget it It would be pretty cool I don't know how it works, does it stop working on the night of the seventh year? What does it do? Text you when it's done? I have no fucking clue So weird, yeah, I got the seven year And then I guess when the seven years is up, they take it out and then I open it up and look at all the stuff that I put inside of it

I'm like, oh, look at all these memories I'm not even friends anymore So cool It's a cool time capsule But I got a well women's exam beforehand If you guys don't know what that is, it's where female comics go for materials sometimes A lot of times when you go there, they ask you questions about your sexual health And one of the questions they asked me was, how often do I give myself a breast exam?

And I don't really, just because I have small breasts, you know, like I'd see it And be like, oh shit, I have cancer If these are heavy, I should get a bra Like I know my inventory pretty well I'm never like, oh no, there's more breasts back there that I forgot about But I didn't want them to know that I was that careless So I thought the appropriate response was every day Guys, I overshot it

I thought it was like flossing Like you floss and then check your breasts every day But then I was like, what girl doesn't touch your breasts at least once a day, right ladies? You're the only two in the front row Oh yeah, you too, cool Right, you touch them, every now and then Like right there, you touch them No, like sometimes they get itchy

Especially when we're coming into some money, you know That's the same No, but they're like these ridiculous looking flesh mounds on our chest Like they're silly, of course we're going to touch them You know what I mean? They're kind of like our balls in a way, I guess Like guys touch their balls all the time They're like our one ridiculous item on our body, I guess Guys are just fortunate because they can just keep their balls in their pants

Like sometimes I feel like that's why guys don't take women seriously It's because we have tits on our chest Like if guys had balls on their chest We would be like, that's a really dumb idea, Ted You need to go back to your cubicle and rethink what you said out here Stop wearing tight shirts to work I don't know if it's crazy I'm going to ask you guys from New York

Oh nice, that sounds right So you've seen people cry in public a lot, right? Yeah, that's our favorite thing You've seen somebody cry in public before? Yeah, like probably once today Yeah, oh no Sorry, that was too much information No, that's fine, that's all I do up here is just tell you lots of personal stuff No, it's like when the weather gets nice, we just go outside and cry here

No, it's crazy I've only seen women cry, like I've never seen guys cry in public But I have seen guys masturbate in public before Which I think is y'all's crying Say Malcolm, you're just tired and you feel good afterwards I guess because we don't have cars to cry in or masturbate in So we just do it outside I saw a girl crying on the train the other day and I felt so bad for her

Like I wanted to go up to her and like teach her how to cry on the inside I feel like you learn that as you get older Like I'm crying right now, can you guys tell? Like a lot Mainly because I'm in debt, I'm a little bit of debt Not a lot, just like enough where I think about it all day long Do you guys have that debt? One time I did get out of debt and then I was like, now what?

You know, like now I have nothing to live for anymore So I just put myself back into debt again Like it's good, goals, you know Like if you pay your debt off, that's great But if you don't and then die, like that's pretty great too That's the plan I'm on right now It's called the fuck it plan It's where you just like buy whatever you want and then you just die

Make sure you die though, that's the most important part of this plan Alright guys, you've been real great, enjoy the rest of the show, thank you Let's hear it for Countdown! One more time for Sarah Tolanbaugh! We're gonna keep this thing rolling Our next guest tonight is the host of the Legion of Skanks podcast On the gas digital network He is a real ass dude

And he is also someone that was such a fan of our invention The nickname, the Puerto Rican Rattlesnake And he has adopted it as his own moniker Everyone please put your hands together for Louis J Gomez Oh there we go, give it up for that Jewish kid, come on guys What a fucking day guys, hanging out in Comtown That doesn't sound good right? This sounds kind of gay

I'll tell you guys a little bit about me, I got a little boy at home, he's four years old He won't stop crying, I found him in Central Park Yeah, but he's hot, you know what I'm gonna do Yeah, I'm a pedophile, that's my thing, I don't know if you guys know anything about my ads But I'm the only openly pedophile comedian That's kind of my shtick You didn't go to my website, everything that we do is talking about fucking hot kids Love those hot kids, boys and girls, I don't discriminate really, I'm gonna be honest

Tight, no matter what way you break it down, tight am I right miss? Am I right miss? Good, alright No, I'm kidding, I'm a dad, I shouldn't be obviously, did she take him away after that joke I'm a dad, I got a four year old son, are there any parents in this crowd? No All young people, one dude in the back, it's alright man, it sucks having kids, it's fine, don't do it Don't do it, it's hard, it really is hard, change your perspective on everything Let me ask the gentleman a question, just the guys, what's more important than a woman, a beautiful face or a hot body?

Face Face, body, all the young guys say body, right, they're like put a fucking bag over her head bro Face down ass up motherfucker, very immature, very immature young guys, I say face and I'll tell you why Cause you gotta think about this, if you're with a woman you might have a baby with her one day If you have a baby with this woman you wanna make sure your baby has a cute face Nobody cares about your baby's body Nobody's like my baby's got a whatever face but his body is fucking sick No, you gotta see this baby's body, it's out of control

He takes a shirt off, he's got pecs, abs, he's got that V cut thing right there Where's his diaper really low, just shredded this baby My son is really cute keeping with the pedophile theme My son's really cute, my son's so cute it's uncomfortable when people bring their average looking babies around us Cause you gotta pretend that they're all the same cuteness, you know I wanna be honest, I wanna get your gross fucking baby away from mine Bringing down the property value My son's so cute that if he did get molested I would be really upset

But I'd still have to be like okay that pedophile had great taste in babies, undeniable Undeniable how good his taste in babies was Like he should go to prison but he should also have to choose the Gerber baby from his cell every year Cause that would be a waste of talent if he did not do that Here's the dude Guys, you listen to a podcast named Calm Town, loosen the fuck up, okay? What's going on here? Yeah man, it is hard, it is hard having kids

The hardest thing I've had to deal with so far is watching my son get bullied My son is the sweetest kid you'll ever meet, wouldn't harm a fly, such a sweet kid We're at the park the other day playing with his favorite ball This little girl comes up to him, she pushed him, she took his ball, he started crying And I want to tell him, I was like James, you're four years old, can you do it with anything? Punch her right in the fucking stomach and take your ball back You got a small window where you're allowed to hit a girl, I say take advantage of it, you know what I'm saying? Cause they're gonna cut you off eventually, right Miss?

What do you think the age is that they cut you off from hitting girls, what do you say? 28? I said now six, that's the year, right? Six is the last year you're allowed to hit a girl You see a seven year old hitting a girl, he's gonna be a dick for the rest of his life He's gonna join the lacrosse team in high school He's gonna spend a weekend at Coachella He's gonna get a job in finance, that kid fucking sucks

Nobody wants that little Wolf of Wall Street, right? And what are you doing with your kid's bullying? I started watching the UFC with him People think I'm crazy cause he's four and I'm watching cage fighting with him But I'm like fuck that, my son's not getting bullied by girls anymore, you know? I was watching the fights with him a few weeks ago, he's always on my lap His mom took a video of us watching the fights, she posted it to her Facebook One of her friends posted a comment underneath the video

She's like, oh my god, I can't believe you let your son watch that violent sport I was like, let him, he's four years old, I fucking make him, are you crazy? He has no say in this I hold his head right up to the fucking TV set I hold his eyeballs open like clockwork orange Burning violent images into his brain Creating a warrior Give me two more years, I'm gonna go over her house and have my son beat the shit out of her husband in front of her kids just to cover quite

He's gonna ground up and pound her husband on her front lawn while I videotape it and yell, world star Love the UFC, you guys watch UFC? It's my fucking favorite sport, man It's the only sport in the world that's changed the way that men walk around It's changed the world Because now you don't know who knows MMA There's an MMA gym in every city in this country So you can't judge a book by its cover

You look at the shitty ears, you're like, let me see your ears, bro What's going on with that? College flag right here, you know Like, sorry, you look pretty physically weak But I don't know you, you know I see you, I'm like, okay, there's Waldo, he's not gonna do shit You know, I can't judge you like that, you might be like a jiu-jitsu guy, I don't know, you know Alright, I'm wrong that you're tougher, wrong that you're, that you're, no, I know, I was kidding, yeah, I know you're gonna

It's a fucking comedy club, you know, you're not, I can tell But you know what you gotta do, you gotta at least, you should try to like, change your style At least disguise yourself a little bit Get one of those tap-out t-shirts with some flames on it You're like, alright, I'm not gonna fuck with that guy's shirt, just tap out right on it, right? Getting a flinchin' shirt with a dragon across it You're like, this guy either knows MMA or he loves Game of Thrones, either way, he's a badass I take it a step further, you know what I do?

I wear a karate uniform, I carry a trophy, that's how I walk the streets Full karate gay second-place trophy Yeah, second place, because they're like, alright, that has to be a real trophy, why would he have a fake second-place trophy? Right? Maybe I'm too high for this crowd, I don't know I did just get high in the green room, are we allowed to do that? No, we're not, right? They don't work me at this club, they can't ban me from a club they don't work me at, right? Just take my dick out, smack this girl in the face with it, I'm like, alright, alright, come on, let's go

What are you gonna do? They're arresting me, fucking tasing me? You cannot sexually assault people in a club you don't work at, just because you don't work at that club You psychopath It's hard man, my son, me and my son's mother, we broke up, so we're co-parenting, they call it co-parenting And that's fine, you know, we're both dating other people, which is always, you know, it's always tough I think I'm dealing with the worst end of the deal though, because she started dating a black guy right after me And that's really bothering me Is that racist?

Do you guys think that's racist? Because it's not, I'm gonna tell you why, because it has nothing to do with the color of his skin, okay? It's all in security, it's his big black cock, I can't get it out of my head It's killing me inside It's probably killing her inside too, to be honest If you want to break it down from a scientific standpoint, right? And it's not that my dick is small, it's just that my dick has nothing to write home about, you know? I don't know if it's already home about their dick, but

Probably black guys Probably black guys I'm gonna read that letter, right? Dear moms You should see my dick, it's dope I got the fattest dick on the block I don't know, it's a black guy in 1991, apparently My dick's the mega, the mega, the mega, the mega, the mac

My dick is not huge, ladies, I know you were wondering, and this dude I know, it's not huge, I remember the first time I saw a huge dick, it was the first time that I saw a porno I remember the first time I saw a porno, I was in the 5th grade, saw that big porno cock I got excited, I was like, fuck yeah, I'm gonna have that one day And I waited 5th grade, 6th grade, 7th grade, 8th grade, it wasn't until like the 11th grade that I realized that it wasn't gonna have a huge cock I was like, fuck, I gotta develop a personality stat I haven't been a fucking asshole to everybody for the past 10 years of my life, thinking I'm gonna grow a huge dick

You will burn a lot of bridges when you think you're gonna grow a huge cock, right? So I trust Fun Kids Act that way You don't need friends if you got a huge cock You know that saying, man's best friend is his dog? The first guy who said that had a small cock You know that saying, man's best friend is his dog? The first guy who said that had a small cock You got a big cock, that's your best friend I would treat him like my dog too, like, come on boy, let's go pick up some bitches

Some of these jokes you're not gonna laugh at, that's okay That's okay, that's okay I'll tell you a couple more things Racism, let's get into the issues, guys, because this is a 98.9% white crowd It's a pretty white crowd, guys That's why as soon as you start mentioning racial shit, you guys got all fucking tight The black guy was loving it, I talked about his big black cock, he was like, ah, fuck a trou I know, I'm a big black cock, it's great

All the white people were nervous, they were like, ah, what's gonna happen? This guy in his big black cock is gonna start attacking everybody what's happening Relax, white people, it's okay We can only laugh about it, if we're not laughing about racial issues, we're fucking part of the problem, right? So that's it, come on, everyone say the N word, ready, one Two, come on Three Fuckin' pussies

Clap your hands if sometimes you're even a little bit racist There we go, finally some honesty out of this crowd, okay All white people are a little bit racist sometimes, all black people are a little bit racist sometimes I know this because I'm Puerto Rican, and all white people and all black people are both very comfortable being racist against each other in front of Latinos Because you both think we're on your side, you know Which one was secret? Latinos hate both of you motherfuckers I hate white people and I hate black people And that's Latino privilege

Because when the race war hits, we get to just wait to see who's winning and then choose that side They're like, ah, white power, I was with these guys the whole time, alright And obviously, I'm just kidding, white people are not going to win the race war Have you guys seen the Olympics? You're fucked You guys can't win a race, much less the race war I think racism is kind of funny, man, I don't know, man Do you guys think Trump is racist? You do, right? Everyone thinks Trump is racist

You know what? You're right, he is He's a 70-year-old billionaire, of course he is Have you met any 70-year-old from any social class that's not a little bit racist? You don't think that Trump isn't fucking racist? I just commend him for not saying the n-word any time the camera's on him Oh my god, good job, Trump, you didn't fucking let one spill out this time, good for you, buddy Oh people, do you guys give them more room to be racist than younger people, like grandparents? You do, right? So fucking, he's off of Trump

He's a fucking grandpa, he's doing the best he can, he's out there, he's hiring black people, he's fucking shaking hands with Muslims What do you expect the guy to do? That's way more progressive than your fucking piece of shit grandma, okay? Your grandma would not touch a Muslim, I promise you, okay? Definitely not Like my grandma was the sweetest woman on earth, it went home to fly, but she said some racist shit I grew up in Rockland County, New York, which is right outside of the city, I don't know if you guys know where that's at But there's a little, you know, Rockland, all right, back me up on this then, okay? There's a little stretch along Route 59 that goes from Spring Valley to Muncie

Now, in Spring Valley, it's all Haitians, in Muncie, it's all Hasidic Jews, okay? So my grandma, I remember when I was learning how to drive, she would chime in with these little racist tips, okay? And that's when everyone's racism comes out, when the windows are rolled up, road rage kicks in Yeah, we're all little racists behind the wheel of a car, okay? And my grandma, she was just trying to protect me, okay? It was old school, okay? So I remember, she was like, when you're driving through Spring Valley, you got to be careful, because these Haitians, they're going to try to steal your car, okay? Lock your doors, roll up your windows, don't even stop at red lights, just boom, go straight through Take the ticket, it's not worth your life

And you know why, she said it's because they have pirate blood, she thought that all... Haitian people moved to the United States on pirate ships This is an old woman though, you know? But then she said, you got to be even more careful, once you go down Route 59, once you get into Muncie, the Hasidic Jews, this is a quote While they look safer than the Haitians, they're not Because what the Hasidic Jews will do is they'll wait till you're driving by Then they'll push their baby strollers in front of your car So you hit their babies

So they can sue you Yeah, that's a real lesson that my grandmother told me when I was 16 years old That Haitian people have pirate blood, and that Jews are willing to sacrifice their babies for a lawsuit It's fucked up, I know it's fucked up, okay? But you want to know the most fucked up part about that story? It wasn't actually my grandmother, it was my mom But when I told the joke it was my mom, people were like, what the fuck, your mom can't say shit like that It wasn't even more fucked up about that, it wasn't actually my mom, it's me, I'm telling you right now

You got to rot in the county, these fucking Jews and Haitians, they're everywhere, guys, so be careful is what I'm saying Alright, thank you, good night Nick Mollan, original Puerto Rican Rousers The two Puerto Rican Rousers I like when people get to find out who actually elected Trump You have this mental image in your head of some old right guy, it's like no, it's a trucker hat Puerto Rican It forces his child to cage fight And you know what, that really doesn't, that's pretty mild racism for a grandma

I have a white grandfather who excels in racism And the most racist shit I've ever heard in my life is he one time referred to black people as the Negroid Contingency I don't know what either of those words mean They didn't teach, that was science, they were teaching in 1820, I don't know how you think you can learn that I guess, uh, Louis C.M.M. and a guy, no one in here voted for Trump, right? Not even as a joke, yeah It's fucked up, I don't even know how to talk about it It's like all these comedians are like, well this is going to be great for comedy, it's like, first of all this is pretty fucking selfish And you know, racism by itself was already good for comedy, we didn't need a president as well to do it

So I don't really know, the only break I get now is to just give myself context And what I find really funny is to think back to like, just about this time last year, almost exactly It was like early March last year, and remember how mad people were about that stupid gorilla that died You remember that? How fucking upset people were about that gorilla Harambe that died People were like, oh dead gorilla, 2016 is over, it's not going to get any worse than this It's like, yeah, just wait five minutes, two pieces of shit How much would you give to have that gorilla back now to be able to personally shoot it in the face? If it meant the rest of the year just disappeared immediately

I would do it, I would kill that, I would do it with a fucking toothpick, I would do it slowly and painfully Full disclosure too, I was also 100% on board with shooting that gorilla when it happened This wasn't in retrospect, I was like, yeah, kill the gorilla, of course Especially when I found out a little boy fell in his cage That sealed the deal for me, he already sold me with gorilla I think I thought, basically, gorilla's chimpanzees for sure, orangutans, baboons get a pass Especially the ones that, you know, baboons that have like face paint built in How the fuck that happened, that figured out how to grow face paint, those are cool

But any monkey with a tail is fine, I just don't like the ones that look that much like people Like gorillas and chimps and orangutans, because I feel like if you look that much like a human being You shouldn't get to be nude all the time You know, they should put fucking clothes on them, a hat at least, or maybe some suspenders Don't understand why, because you know, it's not even the genitals saying, because we actually have much bigger dicks than them Which is probably why they're so dumb Gorilla has a pretty embarrassing dick, it said they have much nicer bodies than us And they're also smart enough to know, you know, that they should be, some gorillas know sign language

I will never learn sign language in my entire life, that makes a gorilla smarter than me So, you know, and if you can sign, I love you, well I can see your dick, that's a sexual assault, that's a crime You know, and you should shoot the gorilla on that ground alone Because it would cause enough to fucking ice that gorilla immediately I just thought, first of all, I was stoked when that story happened to find out that they'd keep guns if the zoo in case shit gets real That the fucking zoo was secretly very exciting, and not just bullshit about learning You remember when they would trick you into learning something as a kid, like you'd watch like an edutainment show And you're like, yeah, Arthur's pretty cool, and they're like, actually, this is how science works, and you're like, fuck off!

We did shit! I don't want to learn anything, that's what the zoo was People really thought that there would be, like one of the zookeepers would be, you know, fucking loading the gun with a tear going down his face And then there would be another guy at the zoo that's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, let's see how this plays out Oh, whoopsie daisy, fuck, yeah, that boy's dead, I'm sorry, that's on me, I didn't even, I don't even work here I was looking for the bathroom, she locked that door, basically anyone with cargo shorts can just walk wherever they want in the fucking zoo That's the outfit I feel like the guy in the shot, it must have been an Australian guy, right?

They're experts at that, you can become a national treasure in Australia if you put on boy's shorts and harass animals That's their chief export Those guys, I guess I don't know, the other fun story last year was the, do you guys see the big Hitler story last year? You get one, there's somehow, there's guys out there that are like, well it looks like everybody's done all the other history I guess I'm just going to be a Hitler guy and learn something new about Hitler For like 10 years there, you could get on the bestseller list by just writing a new expose about Hitler Like 10 years ago it was like, Hitler was actually gay, because people still thought that was bad then, so

You could do that, that was fun, and then it became like, yeah, I found a letter from a teacher that said he was actually an idiot or whatever But the big Hitler story last year was that Hitler had a micro penis Which, by the way, does not mean that it was hooked up to computers, as I initially thought It's something different, I thought it was a tech thing, I was like, oh, no wonder, we gave all their scientists jobs immediately after the war It was genius, I have to bring my phone into the bathroom to play Candy Crush while I shit, he's got it on his phone, never his dick So micro penis, I had to look it up, which is pretty funny, I had to look that up Micro penis means very small penis, which is sort of a weird story to publish about Hitler Because I don't know why you, what's the goal there, to hurt Hitler's feelings

But Hitler's been dead, everyone knows, he died in Argentina in 1972 So, you're not going to hurt Hitler's feelings now, right? The tone of that article is, forget everything you thought you knew about Big Dick Hitler You got bad news for you, yeah, for real, I bet you don't respect that guy anymore I thought he was cool, you know, the Holocaust is pretty bad with Big Dick, so you got to listen to him I guess, no, all you're doing in that story is singling out the most insecure group of men in the entire world The micro penis guys, and you're like, guys, we've got breaking news, I'm like, is that a cure? You're like, no, not at all, no, you're just Hitler now also

So, you know, enjoy that, I guess, you can borrow a shirt to wear under the pool if you want I don't need a cure today, because that's the one, you can't be a micro penis guy, right? That's all the progress that people have made with, like, body positivity That's still the one, you just can't fucking... Like, if you had, like, a body positivity party, right? Where you get, like, the whole crew together, right? And then the music's bumping and the fucking lights are going, right? And they're like, we're going to go around the room and everybody do their thing, right?

And so it's somebody that's like, fat guy, and he was like, yeah! You know, and then somebody that's like, I'm crippled, and they're like, yeah, he's the best dancer, he's better than everybody Everybody, we're all going to learn dancers from him, you know You guys are like, oh, I'm deaf, and they're like, let him DJ, he's the one He gets the ones and twos, we'll put him on it, right? And then a guy's like, look at my dick, look at it! He's like, ah, fuck! Shut the party down, the party, get, fuck, everyone go home, please

Get away from the Doritos with your fucking weird dick! It's for everybody I guess Sorry, you're going to have to wait, you're going to, the micro penis guys now They thought maybe it'll be like, you know, 10, 15 years, maybe micro penis will be accepted Now they have to wait until people forget about Hitler Not going to happen, I guess So another story about a fucked up law in North Carolina passed

A lot of people were like, which one? Because it passed a law that says that trans people can't use public restrooms Which is fucked up, I think I'm not going to pander, I'm sure everybody agrees with that, right? And we know that if you live in New York, because you can't ban people from public restrooms They'll find a way, right? We tried to do that here with homeless people, we tried to keep them out And now the whole fucking city smells like shit So make the bathroom off limits, now your whole city's a bathroom, good job

But what, that story piqued my interest because then all these like artists and companies started boycotting North Carolina And the last company I started boycotting North Carolina was Cirque du Soleil Like they thought that would work, that Cirque du Soleil is like, this will stop them This will make them change their mind, like there's going to be some bigoted North Carolina lawmaker That's like, cause, we have to have an emergency session, we lost Cirque du Soleil Yeah, you guys know Cirque du Soleil, the French mom clowns that wear latex and kiss each other in the air Yeah, they use ribbons to do parkour in each other's assholes They're not coming here anymore, like Cirque du Soleil is what they think trans people are doing in those bathrooms

It's a problem, it's like they're in the air, they got a lion, they don't even abuse it, like a good Christian circus You guys don't know, is anyone from the south? Anyone? Yeah, are you familiar with the thing that like, they just get like lions and tigers and do these, like I guess these weird type of Christians They go around and just abuse big cats for you, I didn't know, I lived in Texas for a couple years And there was like a place that was just selling a tiger, and my friend was like, yeah, I guess Christians just abuse I don't know why I even went on that fucking tangent But I'm going to bring up your next comic, co-hosts of the show, keep it going for Stavros Halkeas Hey, alright, have a nice hand for Nick everybody

Oh boy Guys, thank you so much for coming out, so nice to be here Let's get into it, let me tell you what's going on with me gang I've been here, I've been in New York about a year now I moved to a city where I can't afford the food And I walk everywhere and I'm getting fatter somehow, I don't know how that's possible, but boy am I figuring it out, you guys I think it has a lot to do with halal car honestly, you know, you guys fuck with halal I'm living like an 85% halal car diet at this point

Which is a real big issue, you guys, because I'm pretty sure the amount of time you cook meat should never be until somebody buys it What? That's not a cook time, you guys, that's not on any recipe, doesn't say cook time, indefinitely I go back a lot It's tough because I'm an emotional eater, you know I use food as drugs, but I also use drugs as drugs But you shouldn't be able to eat a whole piece of just high on cocaine, but I'm 5 for 5 so far A power through every time I don't know, am I drinking bad too?

I've been getting real drunk recently, but I've been getting a special kind of drunk I've been getting, well, looks like I'm not friends with those people anymore, drunk, you know that kind You're drafting an apology email the next day, and you're like, no, I'll just never see these people again, that'll be so much easier If you're going to drink, here's my advice, drink with drunk people Because drunk people remember things exactly the same way you do You reminiscing the next day with your drunk bros, it's awesome It's like, dude, last night was crazy, you fought that midget? And then you hooked up with the hottest girl I've ever seen

Right, that same story with the sober person is just, hey man, you hit a kid Yeah, you slapped a child and then you just kissed a lamp for like 20 minutes Very strange behavior I don't know what I'm doing, I feel like I have to lose weight Mostly, thank you, I appreciate that But I don't know, man, I'm tired of being fetishized, you know Not sexually, platonically, you know Because people look at me and they're like, oh yeah, that's a big fat party animal friend

Right, I'm more than that, you guys You think I just want to wear Hawaiian shirts? No You think I only want to do cannonballs? No I want to do other dives, you guys I can't, you know, people expect a certain thing from me I don't know, I don't know what to do about it Also, but I don't know, not everything, the weight loss isn't going good But some other things in my life are pretty cool

My cousin recently came out of the closet, which I thought was pretty great Yeah, no, it made me really happy, thank you It made me really happy, you know, for two reasons Number one, I was really proud of her You know, that takes a lot of guts to do And number two, now I get her half of our grandparents' inheritance money She's like, that's a fun bonus No, just a joke, we're never going to tell our grandparents, right?

We're just going to run out the clock on that one But it is crazy how homophobic some people still are in this day and age, you know Like I went to the Gay Pride Parade with my cousin and a friend of mine And my friend said something I couldn't believe He was like, I don't get it dude, what do gay guys see in other guys? They're hairy and they don't have boobs And I couldn't believe the backwards way he was looking at it Because everybody knows, it's not that gay men are attracted to other men

It's that their parents sinned a long time ago And God is punishing them with a gay child Duh, read the Bible every once in a while It's right in there, I want to say chapter three, but I'm not positive So that joke went fine here, you know, but it has bombed big time, guys One time a lady came over and told that joke And she was like, you can't say that, that's blasphemous, you're going to hell But she said it was a threat, you know what I mean?

But if really religious people write about hell, hell is probably a pretty sweet place Right, number one, no prudes in hell We're talking second date, tops It's going down in hell, right? Also, very tastefully decorated, right? Right? Because of all the gay people? Right? You know how tacky heaven probably is?

Just a bunch of bud light mirrors and moose heads everywhere Thanks, send me to hell I don't know Thank you guys for coming again, I gotta say, we mentioned up top But a lot of very pretty women here tonight Fellows, do you ever see like a really pretty girl and think to yourself Oh man, the ways The ways I would sexually disappoint her

Anybody else? No, just me I'm going through some self esteem stuff, I'll be honest guys My girlfriend for the last year, she's been doing this thing where she exclusively dates other people And I think that's pretty rude of her Yeah, I'm going through a break up and it sucks, honestly, I don't know The worst part about it is I realized I deserved it You know, I was a bad boyfriend Here's how you know you were a bad boyfriend

While you're getting broken up with, yeah, in the moment you're sad But in the back of your head you're thinking, hey, good for her She's going to turn her life around now This was what she needed I don't know what to do now guys, you know, I'm single for the first time in a while I'm up against a lot when it comes to being single I feel like everyone's online dating, right? Anybody here doing it? Yeah

How's it going? Good What do you use? All of them I mean, cast a wide net, you know what I'm saying? Who cares what we bring back? I'll fuck it, I'll tell you that much I use Tinder, and you know, I really like Tinder because I always assumed a lot of women didn't want to fuck me But now I know 80 women a day pass

Yeah, I don't know, I hate all forms of modern dating I hate sexting Every time I'm sexting I feel like a politician running for office You know what I'm saying? I'm making a lot of promises that deep down I know I can't deliver on I hate dick pics, dick pics are out there now I don't want to be judged by my out of context dick, you guys That's why here's what I've been doing to combat this issue

I've been making scaled down versions of everyday items I just have a half size remote at home, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? Hey, hey, pretty big, right? Pretty big compared to this normal remote I'm not even holding it, I have a dull hand holding it, you know what I mean? Perspective, you guys I don't know

I guess my biggest issue is I'm just not good at being, like I'm not good at the places single people go to meet You know, like I'm not good in bars, I'm not good in clubs No one's ever wanted to fuck me while Kesha was playing And look ladies, I'll level with you Let's say we hit it off and you come back with me The sex is gonna be that great But the breakfast Huh?

What do you like, crepes? We'll go crepes Throw some Nutella on those motherfuckers Right, avocados if you're nasty And then who do you want to cuddle with? Some guy with his dumb abs poking you? You can feel his bones? This is a no bone situation It's very comfortable

And look, this last one's a little graphic But who do you think's really eating pussy? You think it's the guy with the aerobic stamina to fuck all night? Or is it me, right? That's a very low impact activity You just sort of lay down, not get winded, right? So that's my pitch I don't know what you're up to

But fuck This has been stuck, god damn it, that was probably so distracting I was trying to tape this set To show someone that this was probably been fucking teetering the whole time God damn it, I'm such a piece of shit Well, that's my set Alright guys, well, god damn, I am so annoyed at how that ended But what are you going to do, right?

We've got some more great show for you And coming up next, one of our favorites, our little cumboy Give it up for Adam Friedland, everybody! Good night, alright Stop, I thought you were fucking this up because you were fat, but It's alright Alright guys, we're done We're done

We're done We're done We're done We're done We're done We're done We're done Stop, I thought you were fucking this up because you were fat, but

It's hard, okay One more time for Stavros out here, something more It's funny because As comics, we act like we're friends, but we're all naturally competitive with one another But Stav is the only friend of mine that I actively root for Because heart disease is really rooting against me So I just want him to get on Carson before

Okay I witnessed a miracle recently, anyone seen a miracle? Thanks Thanks I've witnessed a real life miracle It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my entire life I work in Midtown, I work at an all women's divorce law firm I'm the only man there

There's a men's restroom, it's the only place I can be alone in New York City I hate my fucking life I was at Panda Express Outside my office Arguing with my mom on the phone And I saw something, probably the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my entire life I saw an old Chinese man in Panda Express, one that's weird What are you doing in Panda Express?

It's a bastardization of your cuisine Why are you there, you old Chinese man, door explorer, t-shirt I saw an old Chinese man holding his phone out And shazamming Hey, yeah, by outcast I cried, I cried, I openly wept I cried all the time in public I fucking cried

I obviously moved one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my life It's like one of those moments where you know, I'm never going to see anything that great again You get three of them, I think you get three perfect moments I got that old Chinese man in the door explorer t-shirt And then I got, oh yeah, one time my friend's brother sent me weed from Oregon And I got the weed in the mail and I asked my friend what's it called He's like, my brother didn't give me a name So I said, I looked at it, I said I'm going to call it Death Star

Because it's circular and dense And then he texts my friend an hour later, he said it's called Death Star And I fucking ran through a wall I kool-aid man, threw a wall And then I don't know what the third thing is, I found an eighth I found an eighth on the ground one time I was 19 years old It's pathetic that two of the most lucky things that ever happened to me are weed related

But that's my fucking life, I'm 30 years old I have 40, sorry 40, I have $60,000 in undergraduate student debt from a college that is a fake college It's called The George Washington University in Washington, do you see? Fuck off, fuck off It is a real estate scam with a college based on top of it I went there, basically it's a place where rich people can send their failure children, fail sons Yeah, choppa, yeah cool Cool, it's where you can send your fail sons for $60,000 a year to get an education in Washington DC

And it has a similar name to Georgetown, but it is not as good of a university I went there, it was shocking, I was a scholarship kid, they gave me $40,000 a year and I was like, I'm fucking rich I'm gonna go to DC, it sounds like George Washington, that's the first president Wow, that's incredible, I'm gonna go there, I'm gonna get a great education, this is gonna be incredible And I got there and it was just all just kids with their parents American Express black cards And they were just like, do you go clubbing? And I'm like, I'm a boy, I don't go clubbing, I am a boy And they were like, I've been clubbing since I was 12 years old And I was like, what the fuck is your life? Where are you coming from? I went to a dance club with some of these fucking fuck boys that I went to college with one time

And I just put on a stripy shirt, you know, this kind of thing And fucking loafers and we went to the dance club and there was a fucking Iranian man, you know, with a velvet rope And this guy just like, paid him off, some fucking kid that I went to, a boy that I went to college with And he paid him off and he brought us to a private bottle service table And it was just, it was the most pathetic experience in the world, it was a club of adults And then a section where there was a table, a Chuck E. Cheese section Where there were just boys dancing on a couch to Benny Benassi I was like, what the fuck is this right now? This should be against the rules, we are children

We are children and thankfully most of their parents lost a lot of money in the 2008 recessions That's, yes, thank you for the applause, thank you for the applause I deserve applause for every joke, so I've lived in New York for two years, I came here to follow my comedy dreams Fuck, yeah, it sucked I used to do comedy in DC and I was like, the glasses Jew, I was like the one, I was the one glasses Jew And I got here and there were like, just 75 other versions of me, they were all named Adam Freedland I don't know how that's possible

And they were like, we had the same argument with our parents, we moved to New York And we want to follow our dreams and I'm like, oh fuck, fuck I'm spitting, I'm sorry ma'am, it's fine, okay Alright, I moved here, I had a rough time moving here, I had a really tough break before I moved here I was dating a girl, we lived together, we had a whole life together, we had a cat and an apartment And then she started getting DJing lessons from my best friends And they're married now, they got married to each other, they fell in love behind the ones and twos It's so romantic guys, it was probably one of the most romantic love stories I can think of

A DJing love story, love in this club, Miramax Pictures 2001 Their hearts beating at a perfect 4-4 pace in unison It's pathetic to know that I'm a plot complication in a DJing love story That's what my life has amounted to, it's the most important thing that I've done really was get cucked by a DJ I was very depressed when I moved here, I used to have these panic attacks And I'd wake up at like 6am and I'd remember how miserable my life was that I had no job and no prospects in comedy And no woman would love me, so I'd wake up and I'd have these panic attacks And one morning I had a panic attack that I hadn't had a vegetable in 9 months since my girlfriend left me for my DJ best friend

So I freaked out and I went to key food in Bushwick and I got every single vegetable I could find And I was just making fucking smoothies all day and salads and I tried to eat 9 months worth of vegetables in one day So that night, that night, Nick and I were at a comedy show It was like the third comedy show that I'd been to that night that they told me I was not allowed to perform at I was very sad and I was waiting for the G train and those 9 months of vegetables just needed to exit my body really badly And I was just pacing around the platform of the G train, I was like please don't poop your pants Just please do not shit your pants, you're 27 years old, just don't shit your pants in public I was walking around and a train came, I saw the train approaching, I was at the end of the platform

And it stopped 2.5 miles away from me on the platform and ran after it and the door was closed And I waited another hour for another G train And finally when I got on the train, on my way home to Bushwick, I sat down and about 5 minutes later I pooped in my pants I shit myself, I shit myself and I was wearing shorts I was wearing shorts on the train and I had wet vegetable poo in my pants And I was just elevating my pants so that the turds wouldn't fall out of my shorts And there was this old nurse and she saw me and she smelled it She was clearly just off of an 8 hour shift, she smelled the shit and she was like oh fuck no

I was the smelly guy on the car, I was that guy Anyway I get back to Bushwick and there's this shit falling out of my shorts On to the street, so much so that when someone the next day would see crap on the street They'd be like someone needs to pick up after their dog but it was a man, it was a sad man Anyway I get back to my block and it was summertime and some kids on my block had popped a fire hydrant Popped a fire hydrant, classic, classic New York, right? Popped a fire hydrant, it was so hot, they were playing outside Just like in the movies, right? So cool, so authentic So I made the executive decision because I had shit like down my legs

That I was going to drop my shorts and my underpants And with my dick just flapping in the wind I was going to just put, there was no one out, it was 3 am I was just going to place my asshole on top of the geysering fire hydrant, right? So as to clean the shit out of my fucking ass and then go back to my apartment Anyway, the second my ass touched the water Three Puerto Rican boys on bikes rolled up And I saw me just squatting there, just being sad and confused

They looked at me and they were like, oh fuck, oh hell no They're like, you gay as shit man I was like, I'm not gay, I'm just new to the city, I'm new to the city I'm not gay Is that my time? Yeah, I think that's my time I think that's my time everyone, I'm going to bring up my cause This is sad, thank you so much for coming out Wow

Thank you everybody, thanks gang, show Jeff Fund Honestly guys, this is like, no irony, this is serious This is surpassed, holy shit, you guys listened to our thing? Yo real quick though, shout out to my man with the Ravens head on, I see you dog, thank you so much Dude, Ray Rice is not guilty, y'all got to feel it Ray Rice was framed, my cousin worked at that elevator yet, y'all ain't seen them real tapes, there were some real tapes That's my favorite, my favorite dog character is the guy that worked at the elevator

Elevator worker? Yeah, they still have those here Bell hops? Yeah, like fancy hotels I was like, no, I mean there's freight elevator guys, we're the most miserable people in the fucking world Yeah, the local 91286 fucking freight elevator operator Do they have to just listen to Jewish women talk about their couches, I got to bring my couch over the fourth year It's a very expensive couch, Jose, what's your name? Anyway, sorry I felt a lot of, well fuck Jewish women, how else are they supposed to get the couch in the building, dude? I guess you don't like couches, you just want to fucking sit on chairs?

Chairs aren't comfortable, to stop, a couch is a chair I'm not scared of that shit, anyway, I felt confidence from my set and then I just went with that That riff, yeah, that riff bombs, yeah, it bombs But, yeah, okay You're not going to have every joke That was great, and we actually compiled a clip show from the show, so we're going to play one bit Everybody's big, you're going to hear Lewis beating his kid again Yeah, how the fuck is that going to be?

Yeah, how the fuck is that going to be? Lewis is gone, we can all laugh now Yeah, we can all laugh now You have to say fucking rules, dude I know you guys don't like it, because you're not strong like I think I am You guys say he's fucking awesome Yeah, that's the guy we make fun of, the Puerto Rican Ralph He's a funny guy, but he's sort of, he like, earnestly wears tap-out shirts

Which I don't understand how you do, the hubris of a tap-out shirt The most incredible thing is that you take like one class, one adult karate class And then you get the shirt that says I'm ready to fight anyone The most incredible thing about Lewis is that he's never watched football before He's not into any sports, because other sports have like rules And a concept Other sports aren't just reminding him of childhood I don't got childhood, basically

What's that stand for? What's a car? I don't understand What's a ball? Why are the balls shaped different? Oh, two people punching each other in the face That makes sense to me Well, we want to make fun of our friend Mateo's gay

You saw that? You saw that shit? You saw that shit? I was like going to the gym for like What are you asking them if they saw? You saw that shit? You hear? We're all chewing gum right now, is that cool, guys? Well, I was intimidated by Lewis, so I needed to take it up a notch

Gum is tap-out shirts of the mouth I don't feel bad making fun of Lewis Because apparently on his last podcast, he pulled up a picture of me And he's like, yeah, he looks like a chewing kite I was like, well, that's creative It's creative I want to get, you know, there's a, what's that? Adam, beat him up

Yeah, beat him up Yeah, right now we're challenging Lewis Adam, Lewis to the octagon Me and Nick will be in the corner Lewis says, but there's this guy, Mickey Gall, that does Legion of Skanks Who's like, actually like a pretty cool guy, he's a UFC fighter He's a real fighter, yeah And Lewis keeps challenging him to fights

And they keep taping the fights And he's like, I'll fucking kick his ass next time So he will absolutely fight you Well, he got in my weight class, I've been sick for 13 days And I weigh about 134 pounds right now We'll give you a weighted hand No, we should do like wire fighting, like Crouching Tiger Where you get a wire and Lewis doesn't

Oh, that's cool So you can swoop in As a policy, as a policy, guys, I'm always wearing a wire What I really Fucking snitched him I really want to get Lewis into You wearing a wire, dude? Check for the, check his

You wearing a fucking wire I want to get Lewis into this sport that's called They call me big pussy free plan That's not why we call you that How's that? I cut you off You did Three or four times Well, I'm so excited to mention chess boxing, which is the thing I found online

Where you play a round of chess And then you punch each other in the face Is that what Wu Tang talks about? Yeah, I think, well, there's no space or weed element But yeah It cunts it Chess boxing Yeah, cool

So you get, I want to be like a chess boxing guy And then instead of a tap out shirt I just get like a tribal tattoo An old English tattoo directly on my brain That just says checkmate I'm the tough chess boxing guy If the three come boys ever got in an octagon to fight We would just end up having sex with each other

We'd be like, yeah, we'd finally be free Yeah, octagon Let's set up whatever we need to get in These are our first blood First come Whoever comes first wins It's like, was it icky bicky where you all come on the biscuit But stop keeps eating the biscuit

We're supposed to beat off first It's like, you know how I am around brands I can't help myself I need the carbo fuel to beat off Can't beat off on an empty stomach I don't know if we, we mentioned this on the podcast The LMFAO thing Oh yeah

That one's just blatantly homophobic No, it's ironic It's ironic, but it would be funny If there were three guys that enjoyed come Those kind of guys that went into a Matteo and two of his pals that also looked like Matteo Me and Saf He had to do a sperm bank and while that song

Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot, shot You know, they were like arm in arm Doing this, doing the fucking That's one of the sketches we're going to film I have like a Word document with shit like that Written in it from like 2006 And I'm like yeah, I'm going to write sketches

For myself personally We should do a viral dance video I've been talking about what do you guys think Huh? I was doing just the The other sperm bank idea I don't know how to dance, I'm sorry The abs and shit

We'll figure it out, but I want to do like a hidden camera show Where it's, you shoot it You somehow shoot it inside the lobby Of the sperm bank, right? Okay Facing out to the parking lot Cool

And then you have a guy pull up in a car And he just gets out of the driver's seat With this giant bucket He gets like a foot away from the door Trips There's all over the window And then that's the And that's the show

But then you do it, that's every Yeah, yeah, yeah So the next time it's a pizza restaurant It's just a really good coincidence The first time that it makes sense But And then season two He has a giant cell phone

That he's screaming into But he's also got the bucket of coffee And then And then we sell it to SNL Because at the end he goes Donald Trump, no thanks Well Yeah

That is Donald Trump, no thanks guys P.U., folks Tune in next week Thanks for coming All your money is going to Bernie Bernie Sanders For the last election Okay, yeah

We're going to give it to him For the last election that's over But Well A lot of people don't know this He never had a Bart Mitzvah So we're raising money To Bernie Bart Mitzvah

I'd love to go to Bernie's Bart Mitzvah DJ'd by Adam's ex-girlfriend Yeah She's got giant fake sunglasses on No cat in a hat hat You know Oh, hell yeah This is how we Jewish

A bunch of like Jewish parody songs You guys know how Bart Mitzvah's work Yeah I want to be one of the Do you remember at Bart Mitzvah I don't know how many Jews are here Do you remember the motivational Dancers at Bart Mitzvah's

What? Yeah Motivational Dancers? Yeah, they have the DJ And they have like two hot girls Dancing Tony Robbins In the front Is that supposed to be for motivation?

Yeah Well, he's 13-year-olds Want to kill themselves Yeah, it was to help them To help the boys To help the boys I don't know, I used to get it pumping Yeah, that's where I learned

How to grind dance At Bart Mitzvah's I just used to fucking come my pants Every fuck This Rebecca Goldstein Just fucking Providing her child pussy On my dick

And that's my understanding Of our Mitzvah That's what I think is to be in the Torah I tell people And that's what I post online But yeah, no, you guys are great That's the shit What's that?

It's not so quick The Red Sea parts But it's come Yeah, it comes back Well, thanks That's the end, guys That was quite a sneak One last thing

If you guys on Monday Or in Brooklyn We're doing another show The three of us Are gonna be doing another show Come on, everybody We do once a month The fourth Monday of every month

You got a lot Maybe some of you Have been to it before Funny moments Oh, yeah Thanks a lot You guys are fucking sick You're the best

Thanks, guys Thank you