The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - 47

So you better just get this penis sucked off. Jesus. Hold on, let me take that again. I'm having sex, so you better... No, I was gonna go with penis sucked off again. You better suck this fucking penis. That's better, yeah. So you better suck this fucking penis.

I'm sucking, I'm sucking. It's pink. Cause you said let's get this party started. Yes. Stav, you should get like a pitch pipe before you do it. Only it should look like a child's dick. Yeah.

You should also just say it before every sentence so people think you have autism. What, just a little... I was thinking we'd go to Jersey Mike's for launch. Over and out. Yeah. Welcome to Come Town everyone. We're at the Come Town West Studios.

Which we found out is right next to the studios of the the Bill Maher Real Time with Bill Maher Show. And guess what ladies and gentlemen, your boy Adam Friedland is going to be representing the Come Boys. Fuck, I'm so jealous.

I'm going to see Bill Maher tomorrow. I'm going to get so high and I'm going to literally lose my shit. Yeah, weed. I've tried it. You knew resin? The Revolium? That's your resin. I'll report back on it but I'm so excited

I'm going to go to the taping at 2 p.m. tomorrow. Fuck dude, I'm so mad. I leave tomorrow at 7 a.m. I'm missing the goddamn... Wow, you leave at 7 a.m. Or I leave at my place at 8.40 so I have to be there at like 7 or whatever. Fuck, I'm tired.

This is the last episode of Come Town before we kill ourselves. Nick's killing himself because of precipitous success that he's experienced in the last six months. I'm killing myself because I just want to stop feeling this way.

That's my reason. We do have an old friend and a guest that we've actually we've shouted him out a couple times on the pod and he's a good pal of ours and we're really glad we could get him. He lives out here in LA.

Mike Foodie. That's true. That's my name and I am in doubt that way. Michael, are you nervous? Yeah, I'm nervous. More so than normal. Yeah, definitely. It's a lot of pressure

being on this podcast. This is going to be a bad episode so don't... I can believe that. Don't worry about being funny or... That really takes the pressure off. Yeah, we just have to fill what, 58 more minutes?

57 more minutes? Not even, dude. I'd be surprised if it's even past a minute yet. Check. It's at 32 seconds. No. Fuck the way. But yeah, we got the big boy

Foodie out here. Thanks for coming. He lives in fucking Santa Monica, dude. That's nice. What's that stand for Santa Monica? It's named after Santa and Monica from France. She put up with a lot of shit from Santa.

I did it from our vacation day. I like to drive around and I do a day laborer character. And then he's asking the names to play. But I think it's really funny to do a guy that obviously speaks Spanish natively

but he has trouble pronouncing. He's like, so how do you say Santa Santa Monica? Santa How do you get

Pasaduna? Is Pasadena even a Mexican or a Spanish name? Probably. The joke is that they can't say Spanish stuff. It's a good joke. I like it.

I like funny voices. Me too. You were saying earlier, or I was saying earlier, you take any accent instead of turds, they say twards. It works with any accent.

Where is the bathroom? I have to make a tward. I have so many twards in my eyes. Like How do you get to the bathroom because I have to

it's a tward. Then I have to take it's a tward. I have to take twards. Oh, I got so many twards in my eyes. It sounds very good I've got twards in my eyes.

I've got too many twards in my eyes. Yeah, it really works across the board. I was laughing again today too. I had to look up again the history of Outback Steakhouse. You'd be Yeah, he was doing this

Outback is for South Africa South Africa South Africa Outback South African Outback I think it's actually Australian You'd be

You'd be wrong if you thought that. What's funny about Outback Steakhouse is some investing article that has the history of the company. It's founded by three guys in like Tampa or whatever in 1987

Crocodile Dundee's big That's exactly what did it. None of them had ever been to Australia They saw Crocodile Dundee That's incredible Let's just make an Australian restaurant and then they refused to go to Australia.

I don't think they've ever been. The guys have found it. What's food like in Australia? It's awful. It's like vegemite and shit and boiled kangaroo tail. I have a big mole on the top of my head.

That's probably cancer. No, I've had it my whole life I've been to dermatologists and they said that insurance can't cover it because it's cosmetic. When I go to the camps and they give me a prison style haircut

everyone will know but until then I have to keep the... Are you making a Trump concentration camp joke? It doesn't have to be Trump that's doing the concentration camps You're casting an even wider net with that It could be like a phrenology

like people know you're an imbecile from the Bumps on Your Skull It's going to be great when Adam shows up to the concentration camp and on day one people are going to be like oh my god you must have been here for years when they see his body People start killing themselves right away

I can't live like that So you're here for being Trump or Jewish? The gay part or the Jewish part? He's what we like to call a two for a round here We get to count them twice

The high crime of ruining the podcast It's going to be my camp I would probably have to go to the camps for my socialist activism and for being a proud member of the Democratic Socialist America When I sell the DSA to the American Nazi

in 2020 I take a big fat check from the American Nazi party so they can buy the DSA For me, the owner Oh, not your owner He used to be president I own 100% all the copyrights

of the DSA If you say socialism, you owe me $20 It's true The Nazi party was the national socialist They might have been a DSA type Well, I'm a capitalist socialist

So it's It's a new thing It's cozy That's capitalist socialist It's an ideology based on very shitty flat breads The sandwiches are good, but they're expensive but then it's free refills on drinks

That's the socialist part My dad discovered that restaurant a couple years ago and he was obsessed with it He's always like, let's meet at the cozy I'll meet you there That's how my mom is with Panera She's always like, it's my birthday

Do you want to go to Panera? My dad loves Panera too It's like What kind of weird shit is that? It's like, you know, pretend nice food for idiots Poor people, yeah I like that they give you an apple

At Panera? Yeah, it's a nice treat Yeah I never gotten the damn apple, my dude I'm always getting the chips The bread The bread section is what I go for Even when you get a sandwich, you get

a bread on top of the sandwich That's good bread, dude It's pretty good bread My brothers used to work at Panera so you know you used to fuck around with them sour cheese loaves We had a whole day we hung out at that Panera bread, didn't we?

We were there for like a whole day Why were we there for a whole day? I can't remember that, or why but we were at that Panera for like Did you have a show in Baltimore maybe? No, I don't remember I was living in New York at the time, I think I don't think so

I think I was Really? Fuck, I don't know I remember we got Panera and that's all I remember Oh, I remember we made a joke about the Virgin Mary Yeah, it was around Christmas And it was The joke I made was

the Immaculate Conception was the angel sucked off God and spit it in Mary's pussy Yeah, well that's It is how it works I guess it was more theology than a joke But that's literally all I remember about that day I don't remember, that's cool that you just remember things in the context of what jokes were said

Yeah Didn't we also go to that antique store that day? I don't fucking remember Did we go? Fuck, what happened that day? I don't know man Our brains, yeah, Dana raped us Yeah God damn it, Dana

Maybe we were molested Foodie, were you ever molested? I don't think so Could explain the nerves maybe Yeah, no, I thought sort of because I cried a lot for no reason I was very nervous

The whole repress The repress memory theory which is mostly bullshit has enabled people to all like steal molestation away from people who are actually steal molestation valor That was actually a topic on the last

show Moe got molested, some kids sucked his dick He got molested and I didn't get molested It was a molestation, it was light It was a light molestation Sometimes kids go to the doctor This was two kids playing molestation

They were playing They were playing suck your dick against your will That was the original concept of operation You had to suck the guy's dick without him buzzing That's what being a doctor was

Just sucking people's dick That's why they used leeches In ancient Rome, the doctors were just guys that were gay It was all about sucking 100% How about these doctors in the 40's and shit that when women came into them with anxiety

they just fingered them until they felt better That's how vibrators were invented It's crazy that that's like Wait, that's real? 100% real Vibrators were invented by a doctor that had like hand pain

and was tired of masturbating women They must have gotten hard I'm surprised that it wasn't a nick episode or at least not in as much of the nick I've seen No, it wasn't a nick episode I've seen them all That show is great

I don't know We should ask Danny Hertz our host's father who's a graduate of Howard University Medical Center in Washington DC Yes, we should ask him That's a great idea

Let's involve people that aren't on mic and are just passively in the fucking room and should be to the fucking conversation Give any more in-jokes that you want to fucking tell I don't know, you guys were talking about going to a Panera one time Yeah, that was interesting Panera memories

Yeah How about this I bet no one's ever done this joke before Pantera, Brad It's the first time that's you get cowboys from What's that? Hell

It smells like bread Cowboys from smells like bread Yeah I would eat that sandwich Yeah What are other Pantera songs? Respect

R-E-S-P-E-C-T their cover They covered that No, they had Respect Are you sucking my dick? No Are you the real Eric? Are you talking to me?

I never listened to Pantera I was busy listening to good stuff Is that the man in the box Pantera? No, that's Allison Chains Yeah Yeah, I was listening to That's right dude, what are you going to do? I blew the whole podcast

Didn't Allison Chains guy kill himself? He died, he overdosed from heroin Yeah, no, sorry, I wasn't listening to any of that I was listening to Bach and like things like smart things Yeah, I was, Johann Sebastian You were listening to classical music as a child? Yeah, my parents

came to me very sheltered Stone, ground, wheat Temple Pilots That's good Thanks man Nick's eyes were rolled in the back of his head for the last 40 seconds I tried coming up with that one

It was incredible to watch him work He was like a computer He was like a slow computer A slow gay computer He was buffering That a lot of homeless people would be helpful I'm sure the listeners will enjoy this Let's do more of these

Different types of heavy metal bread Bucket heavy metal bread What a great segment Stop there with Pantera memories How about this guys Mealtalica That's good Mealtalica

Juiced Priest Juiced Yeah, that's good What about Judas pressed Yeah, there you go Iron Made this bread today

Pumped her nickel back That's a really good one They're not really metal Just seven or eight more of these And then we'll move on During the Holocaust There were Holocaust deniers That just think that

There were some gay Jews So there's some double counting going on The numbers are inflated So that got to six million It had to have been at least three million Pops It can't be three million Because you got your Jews

You got your gays, but what about your gay Jews They're counting them twice Exactly, so three million Jews It doesn't add up The Jewish man was gay Damn dude, you cracked the fucking Da Vinci code there The dick Vinci

I just need to get my truth out there The dick Vinci showed Thank you I made a lady in a lift almost cry today Why? So she's the driver First of all, let me I have a black sandwich

Is it a black Sabbath? That's good Black Sabbath Tell your story while we keep thinking These are not listening to you at all I don't really It's not really that good of a story Tell it

I could have told you guys before the pod But Saf said save it for the pod Oh sure, blame it on me It's not that funny Alright, so I was in the lift today And you know they talk to you here They leave you alone And the guy said why are you here

And I said I'm here To do a podcast To record a podcast with my friends So the lady sitting next to me Smelt Zeppelin Sorry About the lead singer Of Stone Temple Pilots

Scott Subwayland Yeah, like Subway Yeah, that's good I keep going at him The lady said oh Podcast, what's it called? Hogi Osborn is the lead singer Okay

Okay Oh, Kazi Osborn So anyway, this lady said What's it called? I don't know, it's a comedy podcast I didn't want to say come town Because she was not the demo She said oh, well the reason I ask

Is because I have a podcast It's a politics podcast Oh, that's cool, I have a couple friends That have a politics podcast Called the Chapo Trap House And Then she started So you name dropped Chapo Trap House

In a lift To strangers I didn't know She asked what it was called No, that's not how you told the story I wanted to make the story quicker Why the fuck would you ever try to make anything quicker On this podcast

I'll beat by beat What part of the last 15 minutes Of bread Go ahead Do you got a good one? Anyway, so share Bada Like share

But that's not even metal It's music You could have come up with a better one You could have acted With Chabada She said to me That they are horrible people So I said

I think they're pretty nice They're friends of mine I don't think they're so horrible About the movie about a boy About a boy So you're trying to have sex So you pull your cock out And you're like, I know Will Medeker

Please suck my dick I know Felix Anyway She said they're horrible people I don't think they are They have coordinated harassments On people on the internet And they target

Women and persons Of color I don't think that's true You could disagree with someone Without it being about Their ethnic Sexual identity And she proceeded

To get really upset at me And then at a certain Point just started shouting This conversation is over Bon Jovi? Bon Jovi Bon Jovi That's not even a sandwich

We left It's just food bands So she was saying this conversation Causey Cosbourne But I already said Causey Osbourne Now I want to know more How about a beetloaf

Beets? Or meatloaf Meatloaf just works Meatloaf sandwich Put sandwich at the end of the meatloaf How about the beet Tools The Grateful Bread

The Grateful Bread That's good I don't get it Anyway so she got quite upset at me And The end of the story is that Well then I tried to apologize Cause she was upset I was like I'm sorry

I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings And I said I'm a pretty nice person I don't think I woke up today Trying to make someone That I don't know upset And she said that's the problem You're a good guy aren't you

And I said She's like that's the problem You can't even understand And I was like I really don't Understand what? That your life is being Made worse by a podcast? You don't understand what it's like To be in a rational fucking retard

Like me who screams At strangers In uber pools Jesus fucking Christ I wish I had been in that club But first of all if she knew She knows Chapo She knows us

My podcast The Daily Show I totally forget the name So I forgot the name of her podcast And then I was like just as a matter of interest What was the name of your podcast And she's like I'm not gonna tell you Of course that's a good move Which is probably not a good move

Cause I wanted to look it up The end of the story is that The Lyft driver Ever kept throwing his hands up Like wow this lady's really She's really crazy And it got Really quiet and I had about 5

10 minutes left in the ride And just the silence was very awkward So I just started talking to the driver And I said you know Uber is a lot cheaper here in LA Than it is in New York And he said Well we're not in Uber we're in Lyft

And so I said to him Well I deleted Uber because The CEO was Sexist to women And then I got out And then I got out No because I wanted her to feel Like I was

Feel bad To feel bad and I think I really got The last word in there And I think I won the conversation And that was What was her name? Oh fuck I forget I really wanted

We can engage in targeted harassment I fucking targeted harassment If you open your goddamn mouth That's right You bring it upon yourself By go through your Lyft history Can I know what her name was? I don't think it has the people that

No it'll just have the driver but not who you pulled with She was a contact the driver and get him to The nice thing about this podcast Is Because it has Adam on it Target for harassment Yeah it's true I get it from all sides folks

The right and The intelligent Anyone that like bitches about targeted harassment online Is usually the person behind targeted Harassment campaigns It's the people that try to get people fired And they're like everybody go after this person I brought that up and I was like

I said that this person that does that Is Maybe a little unhinged and she's like I was like no I'm saying that because she tweets That people for 12 hours On end Sadie She brought up Sadie

And I was like well I think that Maybe she's a little unhinged and she said Obviously you would say that about a woman And I said no I think It's just weird that she tries to get people fired Let's name any woman Let's see if I call her unhinged Let's see how many women that applies to

Dame Judy Dench Oh yes she's unhinged My opinion of women in general Is that they're unhinged That's not one specific fucking person Apparently she thought that was gendered For me to use the term unhinged And then after I said that

It's a door It's a door to a bathroom That anyone can use An opening That anyone can slide on into Just So That was my

You really can't talk shit on Hillary Out here in LA like you could Like you can't in New York Everyone's a moron retard here Especially if you go around the street I'm just using gendered slurs left and right And people are yelling at me and screaming at me And honking their horns

Like you were saying earlier You can't say any movie is bad Because someone might have worked on it You know it's very similar People are very strategic about A lot of people have fucked the same children Hillary has over time Who knows

What kind of pizza gay parties they're hanging on I wonder who that woman was I really want to know She was red kahina dude She wasn't coming from the left I think she was coming from the The center libs She's a libtard

She's a libtard She's a total libtard Michael how do you feel about libs I'm not a libtard But I think tactically it's immaterial Whether there's the left or the libtard Because the median Political ideology is so far to the right

Like the sort of infighting is Just a Game of competitive Priorities That's some smart type shit Foodie you're smart as hell I disagree bitch You gotta say that

Yo let's take his shoes Take one of them Make this man walk on You might as well not have the other I'm not just gonna hop around Michael what you should do is when this episode Drops you should put a rose emoji In your name on twitter

You'll get like more followers That way I think What are you gonna put a damn rose I'm never doing it Yes you will No cause it means that you're a virgin If you get... Rose means that you still have your innocence

I thought I seriously thought the rose thing was like That's right I watched the bachelor You thought it was just super popular Super popular Always people watch the bachelor Yeah I guess

The frog one was Sesame Street And Before you find your prince you gotta kiss a lot of frogs Hey did you hear that there's some podcast called Shit Town The fuck dude They're stealing our whole vibe The people from Serial Store

They found out, Ira Glass found out about our shit There's Crime Town Crime Town, that's not as bad as Shit Town Shit Town stole our essence dude That's a bad word and town Let's fuck them up The first 13 episodes of this show Prominently featured copyright infringement

Like I don't fucking... Even if someone launched a podcast also called Come Town I would not give a shit Dude that's why That's the difference between you and me dude You're so far off the deep end I am I don't believe in intellectual property rights No, Michael doesn't either

What does that mean? I'm a copy leftist You can just use whatever the fuck you want I'm not even like coming from A critical standpoint It just doesn't make sense to me The idea that someone can own a fucking expression I think freedom of expression

Is very important And I would support The idea even though I think it's wrong For you to be able to Go to A very crowded area And say All black people are subhuman

Or when you use racial slurs it's fine That should all be protected speech So if that's okay I don't understand Why you couldn't go to the same space And just draw Mickey Mouse Will you give me $5 for this You'll get thrown in jail for that And it just doesn't like

I don't understand Why one's okay and it's not the other And I'm using that not to say Intellectual property rights really just don't make sense to me I agree And I think we can just have norms Like if you're doing totally Unoriginal work

People can say oh that's not good I don't want to reward that And then it's also bullshit because even then That would be copyright infringement The Mickey Mouse example because you say Oh well you're taking money away from Disney And it's like not really It's not like somebody's going to be like

Oh now I don't need to consume anything Disney With Mickey Mouse That I can look at at my home And I only paid $5 for it To some insane man There's a bodega In East Williamsburg Which isn't there anymore

That used to have on it The sign for the bodega It's had the Shrek donkey And Winnie the Pooh A big part of Latino culture Is copyright infringement Looney Tunes They love Looney Tunes

I don't know if you go to Bushwick Or any Mexican neighborhood Half the businesses are Disney font There's a place on The Lower East Side No sorry it's in Gramercy And it's Sorry somebody's texting me something

Who's texting you? Put your foot away dude Is it business? There's a place on the Lower East Side Called the CBGBs And that's where all the rockers used to go You got the Ramones The Stone Temple Pilots

And if you thought that was good Now it's a John Varvatos It is a John Varvatos And there's the CBGBs in Newark Airport now Wow The popper has become the prince I remember my first time at CBGBs

I saw a yellow card It was fucking awesome dude Oh yeah dude You saw it Speaking of yellow card Do you know what street Stav and I were on today? In San Monica And Venice

Ocean Avenue It's Gramercy It's called The Paramount logo But it's called Danny's 2 Cleaners I love that So many businesses are just called The Original Business 2

It's not a fucking Sequel to a business What is? They're like 90 raised pizzas There's like famous original There's original raised I've just talked about the ones you were like There's not raised, there's a raised pizza

That's called not raised pizza I just mean like there's Olympic Diner 2 Just name it Olympic Diner I like in DC how Everyone's fighting about who had the original Jumbo Slice Like the idea of having a pizza

And just like we're not going to cut it Into as many slices Bigger pizza And we're not cutting It as often And this is the Tesla of pizza We're changing the pizza game up You sold that idea

Thank you for putting the idea of Copyright infringement and intellectual property Into terms I can understand Because I was not following earlier When you guys were talking about like Mickey Mouse When you talked about Jumbo Slice I'm right there with you and I agree

I think you can't take intellectual property Right, you can't own ideas brother Hell yeah dude The idea of a caveman He figures out fire and then another caveman It's like oh yeah I'm going to do that So that I don't freeze, sorry mom That's mine

The version of what we've talked about before In the podcast is copying He's copying It's like now corporations are literally Eight year old boys So there's just no value in coming up With a good idea first Well like

If you look at the history of books And stuff, most of them were held in library It's the idea that you individually Own your books It was a public Consolidated Consolidated collection Of

So it's sort of like Giving a property right in order to Have artists be compensated instead of just like Oh well, we'll have Patrons of the art Yeah exactly And look at this All these years later in

2016 And 2017 a little plucky Podcast by the name of come town Would find a website called Patreon.com We're the future of ideas Capitalism here Professor Lawrence

Lessig would be so Proud So Nick, how's it going? I'm alright I was thinking like toast something Yeah, yeah, yeah I was trying to come up with something with Fucking

Rush, but that's too easy Crushed Crushed That's good Did you take the B off? Do you ever do any weird shit as a child? It seems like you might have been a strange child Of course

I did weird stuff I used to read Dungeons & Dragons books Toast to toast with George Norrie I don't know what that is It was coast to coast It's a radio It would be like a radio show It's kind of like music

Toast to toast What was the general radio show? Uh Yeah, I think so Conspiracy thing It's an opportunity Well known radio show That rhymes with toast

Did you say you used to read the Dungeons & Dragons manual And just never play? Using you the rules? Camerized rules Dungeons & Dragons Hell yeah dude Didn't you usually prank calls? Isn't there a good ass story?

I think that was on the podcast I saw that story on the podcast Oh you stole it? It did prank calls Normally I would be like Do you want to get magazine subscriptions? I'm selling magazines That's your prank

He's just telemarketing for free He's an enjoyer But like in a retarded voice Okay yeah nice That's comedy I couldn't think of anything And I was like I'm gonna kill you

That's fucking awesome I'm gonna kill you In grade school I started this rumor That uh my friend Tommy We were talking about how we all had A friend that we bullied All Tommy? No I didn't have a Tommy

I'm sorry We would call up the local radio station And request Teddy Bear by Elvis Presley To Tommy Skinner Because we started the rumor that He took his teddy bear And cut a hole where the pussy would be

And put his mom's underwear in it And fucked it In elementary school? This was middle school Okay middle school Waiting for like the bus The school bus Like when it was snowy

We went into like the baseball field And stomped out Tommy loves teddy In the snow like across the whole field And I looked him up And he's a sexual predator today I don't know what for You can get on those lists for like

Public urination or something So maybe You gotta leave an open mind Do you think you drove him to fucking children? Or do you think he was getting molested While you were also bullying him And then he became a sexual predator I think the most likely thing

Is like We made fun of him for a reason Because he was a strange fellow And that strangeness manifested later in life Like it's not like my bully Maybe I mean I was Very inconsiderate of this person Oh bullying is the best

Yeah I do think that our bullying Had some effect on my Tommy On Tommy Giorgiani Into becoming a street magician And a rabbi A failed rabbi For like such a weird guy Like a very dorky guy

I was surprisingly Bullying Did you not bully Or did you not get bullied I basically just Picked up on the dynamics that I was like Second weakest Like in prison you just find someone worse than you

And just beat the shit out of him And rape him all the time Wait what did you You were working that job after college As a paralegal You got everyone to bully someone There was this Girl who always was like

Oh I'm out of work can you give me more work Like make everyone like that And she was She was overweight And we would have like an inter-office Email chains like just Messy And we were just

Where is F in the at symbol That's funny F at symbols out of here You can work that into like a bread thing Hold on She had too many carbs There he is She worked plenty of bread into her thing

She'd bread through her pussies When I'm getting that Okay Watch it bitch Shut it up man Oh boy Don't make me fuck you dude Next time you yawn I'm putting my hard dick in your mouth

I can't do it You can't suck my dick I can't stay awake here We got some nice bully tales Foodie the surprising bully Did she ever find out you called her fat I don't think so But we did it just on the office

Email They probably just knew we were monsters I love working at dumbass office dude It's amazing When everyone's Relatively young The sense of The clickishness

It's like school for sure I was just amazed that I got to be in the Cool group I thought that was Amazing They're just like hey you seem cool Oh man That's such a rush

The standards are so much lower I was a paralegal for one year At a foreclosure law firm in Baltimore And fuck dude That was one of the most depressing jobs I've ever had I remember there were no I think one of the partners killed himself Because they were like embezzling

Money But there was like no standard of fucking Professionalism whatsoever Getting sexually harassed like 24 7 But not even lawyers Lawyers and then like the bosses And there's this one guy

Who just This one fucking ugly ass white trash woman He made her Take pictures of her pussy Oh my god She just shifts off And this just ugly ass bitch like Okay

We'd go to the parking lot And take pictures of her pussy And it was just like We all knew she was doing it And everyone was just like okay with it I don't find like Just a picture of the pussy No that's the other thing that's so weird

That it's not appealing Like you need context It's just like It's a power thing And then he would show everyone her pussy That's the thing it's like It was gross I didn't want to see her pussy It was fucking disgusting

That place fucking sucked What was this the foreclosure Law firm yeah it was called Morris Hardwick And Schneider didn't you get fired from there Oh I got fired big time I stopped the pussy Showing place That's pretty amazing Well I stopped doing it

You got five or not looking at the pussy We can't list that as the reader There's something uppity about that fat Bald boy I had a longer hair back there We have a no pussy looker You're not fitting in with our corporate culture We're going to need to see that taint

I would flash taint No I just stopped working there Basically I felt Bags was a foreclosure for law firm So I got hired in July And I worked for a month And then like in August I started slowing down by September

I wasn't doing anything I got hired till March of that next year It's surprising how long a nurse She'll just carry you forward It was incredible My law firm was asbestos settlements All day like looking for Sorry

Oh no Sorry this is X-ray not a CT scan Just looking for poor people to fuck up a comma on something So they don't get their money from a fucking Sorry this is fast This is fast the time bar I felt horrible

Working in a place like that Just stealing money from the poor I just made a spreadsheet that did my job And then took four hour lunches That's incredible I'm glad I work at a good law firm Right now where that fights For women to get money from their husbands

That's where I'm working What do you think is legal But shouldn't be Legal What is legal but shouldn't be legal Oh interesting Like copyright Should be legal

But what's the other end Like what's something that you're going to do Not fucking Not fucking me Every woman I want to fuck now Denying should be illegal Yeah women owe me sex Yeah thank you

It's about time someone I think societal beauty standard should be illegal Everything should be much more body positive I think We're saying things that should be legal or should be illegal Should be illegal Trans fats Trans fats should be illegal

I don't know what you said Nah they're delicious I don't know dude don't give a fuck about society Like maybe getting a midget And having plastic surgery on the midget Child Like a specific child Is that illegal

And then taking a video of you Having sex with someone's son Looks just like their son Nailing to him That's awesome It's so tight That might be the perfect crime It's totally illegal

It's totally legal That's legal That's legal Michael you In another life That's beautiful dude You have a perfect brain for it You really have an outside of the box

Thinking Oh man I can't wait to do that with Adam's children What do you mean? I'm going to find me They were about to guy that got arrested For bringing Simpsons porn into Canada Yeah I love that story

Because I can't imagine Needing to bring Simpsons porn For a trip Yeah for a trip I need specifically my Simpsons porn My suitcase Is half full of Marge sucking off Lenny

I don't bring enough socks When I go somewhere I always fuck up And bring the wrong size toothpaste And you're going to bring the wrong You bring You have specifically You have your Simpsons porn

I'm surprised it's illegal No one's hurt I guess the copyright No it's illegal in Canada Some obscenity thing Yeah The way it works in the US I guess like

Lisa Simpson is far enough away From being an actual child That it's not legal Oh Simpsons child porn I see I said the Simpsons That means all of them I just thought it was Marge with big ass

That's depraved I thought it was wholesome Marge with big ass He was crushing the clown And each point from his hair Is going into a different one of the Simpsons females Pussies I think it's funny that on the free sites

Like You can get anything But they have the ads for the cartoon porn That'll cost you You get this good free porn Everything But if you want to see Brian Griffin Have sex with Lois

Finally fuck Lois That'll be $18.99 a month You're going to want to do this I think that's really where the last of the money Is in porn That's really specific fetish Because if you're really into one specific thing I'm sure you can get it

Because there's scarcity You can control scarcity So I knew these girls In Oakland Who were all living in a punk house And were all doing hair fetish porn Because they all had really big bushes

And they were Making a ton of money And their primary demo was dads In the Midwest Because dads in the Midwest Don't know how to get free porn That's a very specific fetish They like that fucking

Hair reporter Nice I like a woman all natural I want to fucking I've talked about it before But I'll be a cam boy If anybody's interested to let me know Sell me your prices

I want to be a cam boy With a luchador mask on Now that I've seen your penis That would be something I don't understand how your foreskin does that You really weren't lying I'm not lying My foreskin completely enveloped by dick

So you have semosis Bro, you should legit Get a circumcision I can't get circumcised Dude, you should get a circumcision I can't get circumcised You should get an acrobat or a clown That's so lame

Wait, but your orgasms Don't they say that Orgasms with a circumcision Are more powerful Because there's nerve endings that are It's better to be uncircumcised No, that's what I'm saying Orgasms without a circumcision are more powerful

Because there are more nerve endings But I don't think that counts for me Because my dick is wrapped up in Skin Do you like come inside your skin? No, I pop The top of my head pops out a little bit The top of my dick head will pop out

Just enough Pissing has to be such an adventure for you No, no, pissing is fine Is keeping it clean a challenge? You know, shockingly, no, I don't know Smegma? Not a lot of smeg Sometimes I really want to be meticulous

So I get in there, but usually I just Sit in a warm Epsom salt bath For 45 minutes a day Dude What's Epsom salt versus regular salt? It's a different chemical That's a salt So it's not sodium chloride

I think it's potassium chloride But don't quote me on that Come down fans When people see you Smoke salts Bath salts You're not smoking Epsom salts How crazy would it be

If somebody was just like Holy shit, you can get Fucked up off this stuff No one knew This whole time I had a friend in high school who used to eat morning glory seeds He would chop off the packets of morning glory seeds You can get those offline

You can just get them at the grocery store Oh, you can? Or like a gardening center And then he would eat them and he's like Yeah, they gotta put like pesticides on them though You know, like throw up and then you trip What the fuck is morning glory? You trip

It makes you like That guy used to take Dramamine also He'd take too much Dramamine and he's like Yeah, dude, you gotta take it like with an Adderall So you don't pass out and then And then you start seeing dead people And I'm like, that doesn't sound like a good time

People in the 70s used to try smoking Like the inside of banana peels Oh yeah, that was the thing There are all these like Cards to like do drugs without doing drugs Would not make fuck you up I think it's very Poisonous in quantity

Oh really? What? This is delicious though, dude So should I get a little oatmeal? You smoke some Christmas You know, little eggnog That's how you get that Christmas cheer You know Get your holiday cheer in a bottle

I just put eggnog directly into my veins, dude Ah, tell What? What do you mean? That shit's gross It's like, is it egg Egg yolks and whiskey Egg yolk, whiskey and fucking

That's not really Discussing We've been watching the Great British Baking Show, have you seen that shit? I've watched it before But I'm not into it Lots of people are into it It seems like a positive nice show

I don't understand how it's different Than any other fucking cooking show Yeah, because it's not, they don't do the gimmicks They don't do the reality show The gimmick is that it's British Listen, it's a gimmick It's all about skills The gimmick country

England is a gimmick country Fucking Brexit, dude, right? Oh yeah, didn't that shit happen? You guys want to rap about Brexit real quick? Let's get into some real I have to grotesque on continental politics Fucking Jeremy Irons Some guy who just read an article

They said they were gonna They said they were gonna do it And looks like they did it You know what I think is interesting Is everybody's talking about Brexit And have you ever thought about how Brexit Kind of sounds like British exit What?

I thought it just sounded like breakfast It sounds like crumpet to me It sounds like something They would do it high or low T They have different They have high T We already did this joke on the show Yeah, you fucking imbecile

I saw your eyes get wide And I knew you were gonna fucking do a joke You know, it's so You know, we talk about bullying a lot And bullying is so funny I really think it's funny When it's just the guy Is nodding on it

I just slapped Adam You didn't slap me Did I slap him? Yeah, Adam did get slapped And the guy's it on it And he becomes a Pilkington-esque character A who? A who? Pilkington? Who the fuck is

Carl Pilkington, the idiot From the Ricky... He's like the you Of the Ricky Gervais show The Adam? No, you He's sexy and has a big ass dick Yeah, that's what I meant What makes something a bitch slap? As opposed to just normal slap

Backhand, I think is a bitch slap Backhand is bitch slap? I think if the person you slap Is a bitch It's the object of the slap I remember when I was a kid My parents are obviously foreign But the first time my mom heard

Slap upside the head She thought it was The funniest thing She thought the term upside Was like the funniest thing she'd ever heard She'd like keep calling back to it To get it at all Did she slap you upside the head?

She heard it on the Chris Rock show On HBO So she was laughing at a joke No, she was laughing at the word upside And she was like Last night your father and I were watching The Chris Rock show and he said Slap upside the head

And she could not get it What should it be instead? Like Upside No, I mean it makes sense to me I'm a goddamn red-blooded American What the fuck is upside? I mean I know the expression

But it just means I'm going to Up the side of your head I don't think the direction actually matters I think it's just Slap the side of the head doesn't flow as well Yeah, upside the head Yeah, it sounds way better I wish I was dead

You will be soon dude What do you think, three months? How much longer? Where do you think he really is going to die? If I had to guess Probably Mid-60s Okay

On the early side, but nothing ridiculous What about me? From what? What do you think? Suicide I think suicide, but it's like He'll do it a hunter He'll do it a hunter as Thompson way Oh wow, that's high regard

No you will, you'll have breakfast one day People just aspire to have the same Suicide I was going to say hepatitis Hepatitis sounds so much more right The untreated herpes I think he's just going to eat breakfast One day and then just say

I'm going to do it and then do it Is that what hunter as Thompson did? I think yeah, I think it's just like that's it You think? How do you kill himself? You know, it's in my opinion He's just decided That's what you call a Brexit You have breakfast and then you

That's a real Very nice Did we ever do one with sourdough? No, I was just thinking about that the whole show That's why I stopped talking for about 35 minutes It's like there's got to be a good sourdough one Let's think When Stavros sits on a chair

That's a Brexit because he sits And the chair breaks Hey wait, what the fuck Yeah, that's good Breakfast is when Stavros sits down to eat Breakfast Eat a sandwich really fast

Fuck What could be sourdough? Dough Showerdough That's not a movie What rhymes with dough? Let's just think of Well that's a good place to end the episode

I mean it is It's been a long enough time here Wonderful You guys, it's been great Michael For having so much to do Honestly, though that midget Making a midget with child shit That's some of the funny stuff in our life

That's one of the funniest shows we've had On this podcast, it was really good Sorry I got real quiet But that's life Thanks man