The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 008 – Albonquin Round Table

Episode Date: November 23, 2022

Got da whole crew through. Adam should be better by the end of the holiday

Here's what's next. For better or for even better. it's the Adam Friedland show today is Wednesday the what is today what are those probes what probes oh those are lav mics but they're wired lav mics yeah yeah yeah we got to get the sound figured out here and check check okay so okay we have to get the sound figured out and we need lav mics but this company offered to send all the sound equipment for free so that's including those well those I bought just just shoot something and then it sounded

bad anyways so my headphones are a little loud all right which one how are yours might have perfect is that good Mike yeah thanks it's the Adam Friedland show Adam is on the mend I was a little worried yeah no way you're always sick you guys are always dude he got worse he got yeah he took a turn for the worst he got really fucking sick wait like from the last time I was yeah yeah cuz he was already hit the same thing I had which was like I guess RSV year yeah real sexy vagina kids yeah I was going around doing that all week I was saying yeah my daughter's got RSV a real sexy vagina

cuz my kid had RSV yeah but yeah but who got mad at that I guess people with ugly vagina kids yeah I like hey not all of us are so lucky pal not all children get RSV my daughter's my daughter's four years old she's got fucking four and a half inch beef curtains just wait until those puberty hormones start flowing down there she's gonna be Trish you won't be able to tie her shoes I'm sorry look like she's got a tennis skirt on just fucking taking a shower Jordan can we get your levels he's on I'm sorry I first I was am I too loud no

no I can't figure out which it's because I'm pulling the mic in order to laugh is that you talk this is me this is me so um yeah so no Adam on the Adam Friedland show what he's really at home it just being a drippy Jew yeah I was worried about it but then I talked to him today and he's I mean he sounds like shit but he's at least responding to tax again and he's awake he always sounds like that though yeah that's the thing that's hard he's like I'm like a hundred percent I was on the phone with him the other day and he was like he was like I'll give you a back massage and I heard Maya and I heard my I'd be like no you

imagine what that feels like a back massage from Adam ear lobes yeah yeah it feels like mice being born just a mother mouse laying a pregnant rat laying fucking baby rats on your back just turning over and over onto itself and then so the squeaking noises still like what's sad he's like it's the noise my bones well my finger bones honey when I touch essentially honey they make the mom's tail just like kind of flapping side to side as it's pussy gets torn by 12 baby rats just like this is weird fucking trolley bright crawler just slapping me he's disgusting huh he's disgusting no he's I hope he

gets back I was worried really yeah because I didn't hear from him for like like two days because like you said he is always kind of sick so when he's sick it's like this might be the one yeah he's wet all the time hundreds that wet inside and out I've been sick I've been sick a fucking lot this year but it's just yeah what's from going on the road is it the road I think so other people don't have this but I didn't get sick for like two years my theory is we have long-haul COVID I think you have it too I might have that but I also think I didn't get sick for two years because of lockdown and I was like I'm super human

but everybody else is living the same life as us and we are sick every other week you may anyone you're family I know a lot of people are sick a lot of people sick right now you got to eat a raw clove of garlic every day that's a secret my uncle my mom too she can't handle the big fat fatties yeah she gets upset he has a fat mole got drove her up the wall do you think that was more mall goth than fat no the fat she could I could be you're like mom you just hate me because I'm fat she's like no you're a loser pictures of you when you were fat they're all burned it's like I'm a trans woman that's my dad my

dead name you're dead weight yeah I was fat in high school too I was in middle school in high school I was we were all fat this whole crew I was no no no I was absolutely well I'll never believe it you're like Mark Norman says he was fat we're like a chubby like maybe you had bitch tits for a day no no no I was like type 2 diabetes no I was like 5'1 I'm probably a 170 I was definitely fat that's like two years yeah no my parents my mom left and then my dad didn't cook food so just gonna win these every single fucking day and then my dad had like a sounds like me now and he would look like this and he

would just you know I mean every single day like it's funny because he has diabetes now and he doesn't know what to do because he's just never had to like learn nutrition at all so a couple years ago he's like yes that's switch from soda to juice you know he doesn't yeah but when I before that when I was a kid yeah he would just he would like every single day have a six-pack of beer and make it fucking ice cream sundae and not gain weight he was just fucking yeah my dad was the fruit cocktail yeah for those things just in the can take the thing off drink the syrup at the end yeah that was the meal yeah I do a whole

can of pears yeah the can of pears totally yeah that's the way like Russian royalty would eat in like the 1800s totally yeah I don't know people with access to grapes yeah yeah yeah went to the cold room to get it mm-hmm so the dream was to have a I wanted to have we're gonna shoot this episode and get a black lady yeah do you know how hard it was to get me hitting up every black lady I know and not being able to be like do you know any other black ladies who could do it like I couldn't say that I just say stuff like that I can't do I said we should have Alex English but Nick yeah he said no I think it has to be

a black lady he's a black lady no but it's got to be like a I'm telling you like more about Sam Jay she would never I said yeah like lady yeah Carolina would be good who's Carolina Carolina Teresa I don't know I hit up yamanica mm-hmm I hit up yam she said she would I mean I started it in my mind miss Cleo right you know imagine the show I think don't say would be because people are you we owe the chief from Carmen Sandia we only bring on the same guess over and over again so you do the Adam Friedland show and then neither me and Adam are both gone miss Cleo Mike Racine and Shane Gillis you know don't

say got mad at me once at the comedy cellar because I ate her food I've seen her do that she went downstairs to a spot and I thought she'd like left her food like I thought you didn't want anymore and then another comic who I won't mention who they were you can mention it so well Rosebud she was like you should go eat that food she goes why I was just kidding because here's the name because she goes you should go eat that food so I ate it and then Tulsa comes upstairs she goes who ate my food and I'm like I I did no I ate your food because I thought you were I thought you were gone I thought you'd left and she

was like oh no no no no she starts like yelling at me dude the same thing happened I was like and I almost I was almost like Rosebud told me to do it but I didn't but I didn't I didn't give her up but it's so fat on both of your parts but I think Rosebud told her that I ate her food so Rosebud snitched on me Rosebud's a scumbag she's a fucking scumbag because she snitched on me but I didn't she didn't snitch on her you snitched on yourself told I think she told Dulce she went downstairs and was like Dulce was there she said who ate my food and I said also it's so funny for you to eat left that's fat of you and

for her to be like she could just order more food she doesn't order more food why don't you order more food they'll say that same thing happened in front of me but it was Val the manager ate some of her food and she flipped out she flipped out yeah stop leaving food around I mean she bought nachos put them in the center of the table and then she gets stuck in a fucking revolving door you hope Dulce gets stuck in a revolving door no or a bowling ball return lady she's a mean lady in fact that's how she gets home at night is the bowling ball return you said it on the outside of her and runs her all the way

home like she's our roommates just watching TV and you hear no it's just funny sorry my roommates that's gonna get back to her first noise you made you also had like a fear in your eyes like the roommate well I'm afraid of those I was performing yeah and I felt bad about eating her food because I was old number 16 your houseball coming coming up to shoot you know I was like we had a conversation about you know you not liking what wasting food remember that I remember that conversation that we had and I was like but I'm sorry you order more food to make up for it forget what I did I think I offer 20 bucks or

something and so yeah it's like when you're a kid and they're like I finish your you're all your food there's starving kids in Africa and then you see somebody you're like that you're like are there fuck really can you point them out no one's laughing at that you know no one in this room is laughing at that they're all laughing at it no what no one in this room is laughing somebody else say something none of us none of us found that funny I was laughing thinking about something else actually yeah wasn't that oh jeez me hanging and I'm just trying to keep the Adam Freeland show going for another week yeah

that's all I'm doing one more week I don't mean no I mean you get the next week and the next week oh we didn't keep keep the ball rolling as they say we did an episode yesterday we did an episode yesterday the three of us we felt really good about it afterwards and then the comments on patreon people didn't like it who so Nick the three of us who me and him and the three of us okay okay yeah and nobody liked it no people on YouTube apparently I guess people on YouTube I think people like why are you reading the comments yeah and a guy said you look like a wooden door my the the wooden door of my closet in my

apartment so I don't like it I did like it but you can't really look like the wooden door in the closet most common the most frequent comment I should be a comedian is like for some fucked up demented reason I have no idea why I can't imagine because I'm brain damaged I'm attracted to you that's what that is the most common one oh yeah yeah like I've been dropped on my head so many times that for some sick and disgusting perversaries and I find you slightly attractive that's what they say yeah so many I'll screenshot them I'll make a collection of these ones it's something along those lines every time

surprise they're attracted to these people they say this I don't think older than you younger both both younger I think actually younger why do they have to qualify that they're attracted to you I don't know but then I posted a thing making a joke about that and the amount of dudes who are like I agree like they didn't even realize the joke that I was making okay because you're not like ugly yeah you're not I know but I'm not there's a female comedian yeah for unfuckable yeah yeah yeah but it also I mean it also they don't want to be like you're attractive because they know that I'll be like you're a little bitch so you

know what I mean so they hit me with the what about you Mike what do you get what's the most the comments yeah I don't I don't look at them as much Mike so faggot you choose gum on Mike yeah we're saying you don't you come you have imaginary gum in your mouth no he wasn't you ain't got like right into the I always chew gum too but you have an imaginary gum chewing tick yeah I love it really I didn't notice it until my friend Harry was like Microscenes gum imaginary gum in his mouth and I was like holy shit that's a real thing yeah that rolls I also have erectile dysfunction and you come quick yeah and I

come quick yeah just a soft thing yeah trying to get hard you come yeah you're trying so hard to get hard yeah that's what they say well dad how about a back rope how about an Adam Freeland style back rub just your bones breaking up on impact as as he touches her package one of his both my loves it when I rub her back my I'd be like no I don't think it's a terrible hurt at Mike's Adam Freeland impression this might be the worst impression of all no it's not this is like sag alone but level bad okay let's hear it but sag alone he has these shittiest impressions and he delivers

them with the utmost confidence true it is true we were sitting at that skanks fest and he's like Ernest I don't think he's joking around he could have been because it was hilarious it was very funny but he's like he keeps like pitching impressions that he can do and he's like I'm Patrick Stewart that was too good that was too close he was just saying I'm Patrick Stewart and every impression was him just saying the name of somebody that was so funny the other day when you were talking about just a normal person off-mic nothing going on and then you just slow you were like I was like what happened with so-and-so and

you're like well he said and you like started turning your body into him and I was like you don't have to you don't have to do this and you're like I have to do your face started like shifting God for you so my friend Robbie's podcast young guns and he was telling a story about Shaq calling him up me like I got an impression for you it's Obama hey I'm Barack Obama nice I'm here's my bane I was born of the dog just it's just Shaq every time oh yeah once I go impression that's good I was born of the dog Chris but everybody can do that no it's bad let's hear your Adam well I don't want to do it on the spot I don't

even I don't think it's that bad of an impression let's do it I think Nick's mad that I'm making fun of his friend I am mad yeah it's got it's honestly it's kind of offensive you don't want to come here and take shots of Adam while he's sick and he can't even fucking defend himself let's hear even less so than he normally all right I'll work it in later in the episode no okay I don't want to do it now why not Ian's Christopher Walken is the worst impression ever what's that sound like he's like I was like just go like two mice and he was and he was just silent for a while and then yelled my and like scared the shit up mice

he's hanging out with regular car reviews now the regular car reviews guys where those guys click-and-clack yeah click-and-clack remember click-and-clack oh yeah and then clack died all time click had to keep fucking click in he just they were you gay he can't just be click you can't just be click some fucking old white man from Boston and click they were the best I love them growing up didn't did that gig in PA he said to me he wasn't I forbid him from doing it I thought like I was gonna rape no no no no Brian's a sweetheart I hope they had a good time together I'm not really raping what would it sound like if Adam raped

Ian huh I think it would go something like this hey I'm gonna rape Ian that's his that was that was Buffalo Bill and puts the lotion is she a great but that's that person I don't it's that's not the worst impression this lotion slaps this lotion slaps yeah my give me the lotion slaps I need the special lotion the slaps what is today what the fuck is today 23rd the 23rd I did it all I did the impression what he doesn't all right let me work on it let me what let me let me workshop it you can can you do micro scene you've done it before I've done it before yeah yeah I mean it's just

yeah it's just a little yeah no I've got it like I've got like a really bad got like a really bad Adam Friedland impression can you do it for us Mike yeah it's like yeah no it's okay I just don't want to do I just don't want to do my Adam impression right now that's a really good actually yeah it's not a lot of people haven't few people have been able to impersonate me that's good that's good all right your impressions are good my sock my sock I'm a faggot I'm okay fine what do you want yeah my Adam sucks and I'm a fucking loser I was just my let's go to corner B

scrolling I can put my dead-ass lotion on your skin all right what's give me something for Adam to say my you want to watch Ted lasso I'm like watching Ted lasso I heard it's low-key good so that's my Adam impression yeah Adam yeah so my Adam impression is basically it's just it's Buffalo Bill but he's giving Maya a massage that's what you look like yeah you're very talented how do you know have you watched it and studied it like to be spent like seven weekends oh yeah it's a thing it's a thing that happens some people can just have mimicry brains he's

good at impressions I mean you got get that skill he's good do your Tony soprano this is why we had to have him on the show you gotta hear this listen to listen to his fucking Tony soprano this is unreal what the fuck are you talking about Christopher wow we were trying to give him give him a second to like cuz I know you're on the spot I know you probably just do it at home on your phone but give him a second to feel himself Tony I can do it no this is this is an unreal listen what the fuck you talking about I'm Ella he's unbelievable I'm trying to get something to say we try to do I was

trying to Indian Tony but I was trying to get it right like accurate Indian while keeping it a good Tony like I have to start as normal don't be nervous just have fun listen what the fuck are you talking about listen what the fuck are you talking about wow you have the fat man voice the bread that yeah like this is like a station six you know all right now now do an Adam Friedland impression the hardest impression to do I've never tried yeah he's both both both like he's very he's just he's like fluid he's like a just a fluid that seeps around you can't you can't you can't contain

Adam my my my Adam impression is not good yeah this is Adam I'm not talking about I have to call Maya much worse now I think yeah this is my my Racine I'm not good that's good neither you fucking shout like you don't sound it's me Adam I want to fuck my wife's friends yeah my wife's friends are hot yeah I saw a woman on the train and and I think I have to get a divorce I want to fuck my wife's friend but what about damn this feels like doing calculus it's really hard to do different impressions at once it is and I mean if he comes out naturally sure but just fucking yeah try to dial it in his day how many days of

day I was around my apartment like 30 minutes trying to do Indian Tony yeah so hard to keep but I start sounding right if you can do Tony that well just do regular Tony yeah don't go crazy you don't get it you don't have to get spicy shit on your mouth me yeah big piece of food he does he got it off he got it off he never did fucking thing right there I used to impersonate you like I like I rojo Perez that's a really good way to deflect if somebody's being down on you I wasn't all over your fucking face I was being complimentary that's a that's a it's a very good Tony Soprano impression did you bring that from home

did you bring that yeah that's disgusting take the label off it's not even just get like a get a real water bottle pull that label off you're supposed to refill those it's why not why what is that very pineapple diet 5% ocean spray gallon just what homeless people drinking drinking water over your own piss out of a tennis ball you carried around as your little baby real quick we got to talk about my bookie that a god do it in Mike's voice please one more time yeah so I don't really have any money to gamble but that's not true actually you owe me yeah yeah I've got I've got over $1,500 in accounts

receivable right now that's why I want him to do it cuz I want that to be yeah come on give it to me my fucking bookie I hate this fucking my bookie my bookie dot a g a rip candy cane you ever see that movie joyride it's got Buffalo Bill in it really yeah he plays like a trucker a serial killer trucker I've tried to make a joke out of the line is she a great big fat person you don't know what pain is that's the best line the movie wow you don't know what pain is okay so my bookie dot a g the sports book let's just look at the menu on the website dude here's some of it here's some of the the different links you can click on

and then on the navigation menu sports book casino Robert De Niro you want to fucking this you want to fucking gamble or something okay racing everybody does a De Niro their face like disappears into the back of their fucking head just delete their whole face yeah I look like I have Down syndrome I could have it you don't know in the licking of the yeah meet meet meet meet me Robert De Niro here I am come meet me deposit contest VIP general information let's go to the FAQ the frequently asked questions airy Spears's impression of Shaq was good yeah how to deposit that's probably a big question look my

bookie dot AG is the premier offshore sports betting website what's AG might you ask does that stand for Asian Asian country or maybe something in the Caribbean no it's Switzerland so you know it's legitimate I have no idea what you're selling I couldn't begin to my bookie dot AG is a sports betting website on the internet that sponsors this show and they've been trying to call me for I think I tried to open this in Boston to bet on a sports sports well they got a casino Jordan Jansen betting on sports what would that sound like can you do yeah what would that sound like what would that be like why

do you always say things as a question I kind of like he does this to like when you're talking he's like yeah he's watched a lot of videos on how to behave around people yeah that's right I know you have the other day I told you this long saga and I watch you go you're like it sounds like that's really difficult that was like very good yeah you know it's fine when I when I was just biting him Jordan keeps touching Mike's legs but you didn't even pet you didn't pet him like an animal you're familiar with you pet him the way you like had a goat we're like am I supposed to be touching this like I'm allergic I just want you to get

upset later yeah I don't want the long text being like you stupid bitch does he send those no no what you're talking about so they got a casino they got a live casino Jordan just doesn't answer you when you when you reach out I answer Nick yeah she answers Nick yeah yeah I know I know you don't get you don't get a response you're a 2 a.m. text no I don't just thinking about you yeah just wanted to check in and see my wife's been asleep for a couple hours yeah you balance it out though on the Instagram DMs one will be like you look beautiful and then actually like have you gained weight you do it to me all right we got

bagger at we got blackjack Europe we got blackjack live we got blackjack classic we got auto roulette European roulette blackjack Europe to blackjack classic blackjack Baltic blackjack Russian blackjack Latin what the fuck is it these are the games the casino games is just racially you're just saying blackjack a million times nobody in blackjack we got blackjack blackjack what's that yeah this is just between us blackjack blackjack yeah so they got a live casino they got racing NFL I there's definitely shit going on with the NFL and I'm sure they want me to talk about that for sure what with the Jets punt return or

whatever Jets punt return that's a big thing you can bet on it my bookie dot AG they got racing you can the Delta Downs it's my favorite special forces down syndrome Charles Town races and slots Finger Lakes horseshow racism huh would you just say Charles Town races and slots racism slots yeah that was a joke he's in West Virginia you're the Charles Town races and slots races and slots I wasn't gonna say earlier when I went to my senior prom well real quick my bookie dot AG promo code TA FS check it out they'll match your deposit up to a thousand dollars and I think there's

something else you get out of that but I don't know yeah so when I went to senior prom I bought a DVD off eBay if like I had a dance did it help no not really it was just like how to like two-step yeah but I don't know your dad comes in he's like I'm going back to Italy with people like like man they've ruined they've ruined my boy my boy look what they've done to my beautiful boy they turn them into effect you know something like my good prom just two-stepping alone yeah well were you doing a prom I didn't go to prom yeah nice he was combing his one hair

around like a Cinnabon like a black school bus driver yeah not on my bus front Cinnabon until I was 20 I'd hair down to my ass back I remember it's on Twitter yeah yeah it was a big boy big fat long hair boy yeah then what happened I got sick of not getting pussy so you shaved it all well it started I started to like my hair went back so I had to shave it I never choice did you have long hair and balding at the same time briefly like my rear form it wasn't that bad but then I saw those glasses I only got glasses like four months I started getting great pubes at like 24 great great pubes yeah I have a gray streak one gray streak but

they said it's from trauma oh yeah really it's peppered around it's be your hair but if you have one streak is that like is that real so they say who says the internet the internet X-men yeah it's called a shock right a shock yeah yeah is that what that's from like a shock cuz you got you got molested yeah that's what I because they told me that there was a kid that 17 streaks a gray in his hair like a nine-year-old with a bunch of great well no my mom told me you know she's like when kids like that they have that that's because of trauma it's because they got molested and so then I would anytime I see that I knew this

guy will and DC did comedy and funny guy you know back in the day but he had a little gray patch of hair anytime I'd see him I just think about him being raped as a child yeah because that patch of gray hair you see a nine-year-old with a shock I really helped my son out today with that information the yeah cuz you told me what's his name yeah the little I go yeah yeah yeah I noticed that recently his backpack was stolen with it with his headphones laptop like all his expensive shit naked pictures of him as a child yeah so he got reverse molested yeah and he got a in his whole eye all of his eyelashes turned white

on one side it was easy that's it if I ran the government there would be mandatory we would take naked we'd make child pornography of every American citizen and then it would go in a vault and if you broke the law wait yeah we go out to be would hand it over to the pedophiles to jack off so you may think oh I'm an adult I could never be molested think again yeah and then but the movie is called think again yeah and there's no jail we abolish the prisoners we get rid of prisons oceans 12 about like Tom Pearl trying to sneak into the vault again I don't know if we can revisit Tom Pearl on this one I think

we covered Tom Pearl oh boy you got it you're gonna have to subscribe for patreon yeah if you want to go to the patreon we really had a good time yesterday five dollars a month gets you an episode about Tom Pearl yeah the episode that we had a fucking blast doing one of the most fun hours of my life I left this is shitty eating pedophiles a guy who eats shit it's a southern good look well I'm not gonna go in there okay but I'll tell you okay and if you want to hear more you can check out the patreon he sends me this fucking video this guy it's a tick tock of this guy in Georgia who eats his own diarrhea

that's the same he's only uploads fetish videos but he's got this no it's on other websites the most horrifying tiktoks ever yeah people people like what about Adam Freeland eating his own diarrhea right now that's happening as we speak yeah I'm so full this is fire I can't eat another bite I can only two or three spoonfuls I can't I can't have another bite of this fucking diarrhea I am so full some Tupperware it's really enough for this or should I just toss it it's really fucking good my honor so proud tomorrow we gotta save this diarrhea I'm gonna box it on my I think the diarrhea still good I hope you guys are

having as much fun listening to this show as we are making it I like three again three times today I've like gotten to tears just laughing about Tom Pearl again it's really doesn't stop being fun Jordan also I'll send it to you after because he's just he's just like mild mannered southern guy and the first video he sent it to me it's just the way he talks is he's like I can't wait to eat my diarrhea for you hope you enjoy watching my diarrhea yeah and then he eats diarrhea yes my body yeah cuz he's full he's full of diarrhea that makes sense actually tracks if you were like I've been eating diarrhea for the past

18 years he suffers like he suffers through Italian guys I gotta come clean about it I gotta go home and cook up a big bowl of diarrhea reach everyone knows that this guy Seth Pomeroy in Nashville was like want to hear the most Italian two words together miniature pony and I have always remembered miniature pony that's very Italian miniature pony miniature pony yeah that's pretty good you think that's good Chris Cubis told me a story about a guy that is I don't can't remember it exactly so I might be fucking it up but an Italian guy who tried to get like quesadilla or whatever which I thought was Spanish or

something something like Italian thing on his body but the tattoo artist fucked up and just put cheese dice what did he want I don't know I can't remember it was like I guess it's what is it like Kate like is that something in case of each case of each but in that fucking in that Spanish at each case at each case at each a is like you know like how do you say yes yeah my Italian last name little cheese what yeah almost a DJ maybe come maybe it's almost a DJ bag it's almost a DJ yeah I don't I can't remember what the fuck it was but all I remember is some guy ended up with a tattoo that says cheese dice it's good

yeah and maybe it wasn't even an Italian word maybe it was just a retarded Italian guy that got a tattoo that looks like those tattoo he has one that's supposed to be a homo suck DJ I don't even know what an octopus or something but it's a huge dick I mean it's crazy and it's not his bicep it's like a hideous it's supposed to be an octopus yeah it's not it's like a pirate octopus or something but yeah that's your main had a joke about Joda Rose he goes your tattoos look like the paintings that the gorilla at the zoo makes when her kid dies nice have you seen Bobby Kelly's it's just all Chinese art all over his body

while he's looking like a little Buddha because it's like a late 90s thing yeah I mean there's koi fish all over one bicep I mean yeah it's nuts there's just Bobby Kelly with a Chinese menu tattooed on his back yeah I think Karen Feehan made that joke on the podcast so I'm not trying to hate on you but just remember that what are you Karen Feehan today Chinese menu no so you got a Chinese just the same joke that Sam had okay just wanted him to know that thank you I saw a Chinese we get dim sum again so he remember when you burst into our dinner sat down and sat down and said I don't really like dumplings we will get

the fuck out of here he's like a really picky are you at the launch he said that and I didn't believe it and then I eat the thing I ate the stuff yesterday but you're one of those guys you eat anything in a bodega but you won't eat any vegetables right no I eat like cheese because I have to for my health yeah right I don't like them but a picky eater can just be like a disgusting human being you know what I mean I mean I it's like how vegans can just be like people who eat like packing material with sugar in it that's me yeah that's not you you don't I've been chewing on cardboard I'm trying to sharpen my teeth

on cardboard I think I might become a rat also you have way there you're close I'm feeling that kind of like a rat guy Adam is my some rat yeah any sort of varmint anytime somebody says varmint I'm like I identify with whatever that word is yeah yeah someone tried to insult me once and say that I'm like a flamingo and I took it as a compliment yeah it's beautiful they're awesome why would they say that would be what would the insult of that be that's if I was any animal that's what I would be a flamingo it's not offensive because it's gay because they're gay I guess I don't know if you know a hundred percent of

them agree huh that's a hundred percent of flamingos are gay are they yeah then how do they make more flamingos they're just a different type of bird that turns pink they they produce with women but they made for life with same sex interesting it's not true that's a completely made up fact there's no way that could ever be interesting my brain just ignores I like that yeah that's one of those things flamingos are one of those things where I'm like God's not fucking real because you're like they're like you know why they're pink is because they eat shrimp and it's like there's a person with Down syndrome told

you that there's no way that's true yeah and then you look it up and it's like yeah cuz shrimp aren't even pink no in the water they turn pink until you cook them why the fuck would the flamingo be pink so that's fake that's not why they're pink and does that just mean flaming in Spanish that's what they saw when they saw those things they're like oh this thing is it's really fucking gay gay is fucking yeah these the fucking gayest bird I've ever seen the Mexican guys who live outside my house I think they may actually be like homeless people I don't think they're home I don't like they they're always there

they're blackout drunk and they get loose shrimp and cook them they don't cook them it does sound pretty homeless it's it's it's like steam coming out of the like radiators in the subway station and they put wet oh they cook shrimp they're not cooking they cook shrimp on sewage yeah 100% it's crazy even Tom Pearl would be like that's that's disgusting a health code violation he really eats his own shit like two girls one cup so what's worse much worse guys you're gonna get sick how am I not allowed to say white trash on tiktok but those videos that's what I said the last time it was like a teaser video it was just him it

was like him edit into a rowboat with romantic music he's like I'm gonna eat my own diarrhea for you hope you enjoy watching me do this I've been waiting to eat my diarrhea for a long time and it's in the video it's funny he says I never had diarrhea before and I took that like he never produced diarrhea but what we say is he's I've never eaten it before you watch me they showed me a little bit yeah the most shocking part I said this yesterday but the shock part was the color of the diarrhea was like peanut butter Jordan I tell you it's weird because he hadn't seen it but now he's you see the first one it doesn't make you

laugh but the more you get into it it becomes funnier and funnier and funnier it doesn't make you gag when I watched the first video I was like I was at like I said it before already but I was like texting people I was like I felt like I fucked up dude I don't like we made really fucked with me and someone uploaded on tick that wasn't wasn't vile is like 200 likes on tick to go right to you because Mike you've a weird my algorithm is like to show me freaks it just shows me like the most disabled most fucked up looking people because he decided to get pussy so he started to change this algorithm to get more freak videos yeah

that is the way to do it oh it just sent it right to you he up with some guys eating shit and they're like right away doesn't eat you got to see this talking about eating shit Nick found the actual video actual video and I watched it how would you find it I googled but then I found a YouTube where they someone up over the clock I use the Google website on YouTube yeah there's something they're just up there for like three months right I think we might have to pull it up you and then it'll fuck with you but then a day later you're like I gotta go back for more because your brain strips out the diary eating stuff it's not

honestly a testament to the power of the human spirit well the finding out he was a pedophile Adam Friedler watching Tom Pearl eat his diary oh that sound like Tom Pearl yeah he says his full name and it's his real and Nick sent me his like official Florida sex right offender he's a pedophile yeah child watches child yeah he'd be a lot more easy to root for if he wasn't a pedophile yeah I don't know that makes it better for me almost like so much funnier than he's like punishing himself he's like a bad guy he's not a good guy well you know don't I would never see a shit eater and be like oh at least he's a good

guy what he is he's the south's version of the Joker the South Carolina you put the Joker in South Carolina I just did Houston and a guy said the n-word three times while I was on stage and got dragged out by bouncers well like he was wearing the summon candy man he was he was saying it and then he was talking shit he's like his phone rang I took the phone and I was like telling his brother on the phone what a piece of shit he was and then the brother talked to me when was as retarded as he was and then this woman said I was supposed to be there but I got called up saying the n-word and he's got a stack of papers with the

n-word on it he's like a lot of work tonight let's go boom how are saying the end I can't really do the bit but it's crazy and then the bouncers pulled them out one woman's dad was like fuck you you cage an idiot and then this other girl set up was like fuck you you bitch I'm Cajun so three people are fighting I'm on stage the bouncers pull him out and then they all hold him down and take turns come back to the improv speaking of fucking ass fucking ass is brought to you by bluetooth.com you'll love bluetooth.com can you imagine if we got a black lady to do this and she had to read the bluetooth.com y'all bluetooth is a chewable tablet and you got a

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physiological problem bluetooth yeah I think so I thought it was a mental problem no these are like vasodilators I think if your dick doesn't get hard on this stuff it's because your your brain is fucked and it's the one how we're taking it for the brains I don't know I know who's taking it is because they're not look I'm not a doctor so that's why you want to go to bluetooth.com do the free consultation and ask them look it can't hurt like any medicine just take it see if it works do not take so then a fill to the alpha or identify if you take medication containing nitrates or guanolet cyclase stimulators for

pulmonary hypertension okay this stuff is boring this is kind of this is gonna stuff by you just trying to sell some dick pills we got we got an important filing cabinet for this information it's the fucking garbage can time to chew no here we go they got an ad we'll just play their ad fucking okay there's a there's a guy he's walking around a playground yeah there's an old man and he's taking his wife to mcdonald's I thought there'd be words in that but it's just a guy at work in his girl's taxing him come come fuck me papa he leave he quits his job to the fucker with anything he grabs his

bluetooth which is on his desk at work he doesn't know just what out on the open at his desk at work he's got his bluetooth out questions look here what is bluetooth or the treatments offered FDA approved yes yeah what is blue to say what happens if a kid takes it in there no no I can't I can't imagine be good is my stop wondering that stop wondering that immediately they become an adult they say what do they say how big a little kids dick can get if they take it what if you have a little kids dick then how big does it go hey what if I have a tiny little baby dick and then I take bluetooth this is actually cool

information I didn't even know this on the fact that the entire time we've been sponsored by them for years I never even saw this it says can I use a different pharmacy and it says yes we partner with compound pharmacies to provide fair prices and quick turnaround Anthony cameos pharmacy yeah racist sorry for saying all flamingos you're gay I really hate when people do that when they just lie that's right anyway clear with everybody I don't know what that means but I'm assuming no I really don't like it I really hate that you go pick up bluetooth at your local pharmacy which I don't where did you think they sent it

right to you oh yeah but you can also go to a pharmacy if you want I would love that if I could just go to Dwayne Reed and get the pharmacy speaking of woe black Betty I'm tired of them speaking of who good afternoon my name is woe black Betty just pharmacies every time it's eight 900 pound black women in front of you just losing their mind at a little Indian woman with a job on they're not Indian there's something else they're Middle Eastern and what are they getting at the pharmacy I don't know I have no idea they're not getting whatever it is because their EBT food stamps won't cover it y'all told me Lizzo's clothes were

prescription and I should be able to get them here okay yeah bluetooth.com promo code TAFS or come down or come down to one here I can't remember what it is exactly but it's definitely one of the three and we're back on the Adam Friedland show late-night chat I can't wait until this fucking talk show is going to what's up you're late for this not late yeah no it's not usually I'm you're late but it's only right now yeah it's late for me is it yeah I've been trying to do because I'm trying to make this more of a morning because I'm a morning guy it's crazy wake up at 7 a.m. so I prefer to be in here from 8 a.m. to

5 p.m. and not you know start the day late you wake up at 7 a.m. I wake up at 1 p.m. no I wake up early what yeah that's good it's a good way to be I wake up I don't have to run outside to catch you know what I thought it was because I did Mugubi's over the weekend I was staying in the hotel and I never I never thought like so I forgot that you can draw the curtains at a hotel room yeah so I went in there and they had the blackout curtains I drew the curtains I slept to 11 yeah yeah yeah I was like oh I thought I had insomnia and it's like no it's the Sun yeah I'm just waking up when the Sun comes up the Sun is cringe

yeah totally but I do like the morning I'm happier in the mornings I haven't like fucked myself up with vape pens and coffee yet I get stuff done it's like yeah I fuck myself up with the vape immediately scrambling for it literally dude I I wake up I'm like no vape today and then it's bad we have to stop zins I have zins where is in those things that you put in your gum that give you nicotine that's what we should do oh just a different drug no this is bad this is the vapor in your lungs and shit it's not good yeah then seemed like the least bad maybe they yeah my friend who works for big tobacco was like these are

the problem in Europe because everybody's doing them because they don't fuck you up mm-hmm so that's what you do well I think the move oh you know what I did when I went to a gas station I got like a 2.4 percent pen and then I was on my friend Norman over the weekend that guy you smoke fuck like two packs a day for like 35 years and he switched the vaping and he started off with like the 10% and then just kept lowering it lowering until he was mixing in that's 0% yeah if I had the 2% it would be opening it the vape juice and drinking it you know what I mean I would get yeah I would get my six percent I had I used

one of the two percent one all weekend and it's very unsatisfying but it's enough that I'm not like you know and then I come back here and these are just floating around the fucking office mm-hmm but yeah I really don't want to start dipping I think it was so much easier to quit smoking than it is to quit this shit 100% smoking was easy and that was supposed to be the hardest thing in the world everybody's like it's worse than heroin I was like it's fine yeah it's totally easy to do I don't stink all the time I don't have to go outside and be cold to do it this I'm just like in bed with it

snuggling holding it waking up I fall asleep with it in my fucking mouth yeah I don't know how people dip it seems so I bought fake dip once for a video and even that shit it was like black tea and it was still disgusting gave me a big dip and was like if you've never done it you're gonna puke and I did it and I loved it did not I loved it loved it it's amazing yeah it gets you fucked up it tastes like shit no it tastes like tobacco which is disgusting little bitch what about cigars those are kind of fun they smell nice but do you smoke cigars once in a while yeah I just can't figure it out you should get into cigars yeah

it's done like during moving jobs yeah people stuff yeah yeah how was that yeah I'm like a cartoon character was it yeah it's fine yeah why just wondering what did he say he said you did a really good job okay that's not a very good job face would you paint it something for somebody yeah me and Rufot did a painting job oh no it's Rufot's fault what no it's Rufot's fault no I think I did fine I don't know he didn't let me like hold the brush but you know I did the right to the rolls okay I did the rolling nice yeah he just sent me a picture of you eating a big sandwich and it's like you're doing really good

yeah is it from the Faunies now it's from the boat it was from the like the bodega in East New York okay and there's a bodega in East New York yeah I guess that makes sense yeah of course yeah the guy the guy really hooked it up nice yeah what'd you get on the sandwich just a turkey salami American cheese and lettuce and onions and mayo I went on the jury's good he made it nice and like thick you know I stopped at Subway and I was like I'll just get a veggie so I was on the jury's turnpike yeah they don't have that but it's gone it's off the menu to order it all yeah I was like give me let me get bread and all the

vegetables they don't have the veggie delight the wet sandwich no I always see but I'll tell you Subway the whole like the wheat bread with just all the vegetables surprisingly good really yet the smell of Subway I can't stand yeah it's bad it's really but it's funny the look on this guy's face when I was like you don't have a vegan sandwich do you just like just watching just a brain not do anything I mean look like Terry Shiva just like a medically induced coma I got really in the right I was in seventh grade I was like obsessed with Terry I don't know why I wrote a song about I

started comedy when that happened that's when I started to me stand up was like the week of the I think maybe not the week but I remember it was like the first year yeah I mean it's awful what was it well so technically she she was like a anorexic that's what happened she had a stroke from anorexia that's how she fell down the stairs I remember reading that she had like an eating disorder that she was anorexic or something she's still alive right no no no fainted fell down the stairs maybe let's look it up because now she fell down the stairs I'm not gonna do somebody else Terry Shiva her pussy got infected very shy she got

a really bad yeast infection severely brain damaged Florida woman it became a national symbol for her national you could have just said Florida woman huh there you have a vegetable vegetable state brain damage Alexa I'm gonna cardiac background she's an initial medical resident not breathing intubated car your attorney she apparently has been trying to keep her weight down with dieting by herself drinking liquids most of the time during the day drink 10 to 15 glass of iced tea she was anorexic so she was just not eating and that's why she had the stroke and she went or she had she had a heart attack and then

just brain damage why I thought she was there yeah so she was like she was like starving herself to be beautiful so they took the feeding tube out my joke when I was a kid was that she at least she died doing what she loved which is starving herself for attention that's pretty good that's really good you were like 16 when you started calling it's a good joke for it a young kid yeah no one laughed at it no I would have laughed because because because nobody knew why she was so be like at least Terry shyvo died doing what she loved you don't know the starving herself for attention and nobody followed the story so the monologue

jokes will be good because you can give a full set up next one a lot of jokes like 2005 next week I'm gonna have Adam do all Terry shot you about this Terry shyvo bitch yeah you guys hear about Terry shyvo what I want to know is what are they doing with her fucking skin that still looks good to me fuck her brain let me wear her skin you gotta talk in the garage fridge my where that diary girl I wanted to put it on I wanted to put on my triskets Terry shyvo is a good reminder that women are beautiful at any size last week me and Maya we froze diarrhea and then we sliced it melted it over when they die

rear case ideas it's really really fucking good so good so good so you ask Adam about any movie on the criteria channel hey Adam did you what I do would you do would you watch Adam did you see any movie on the criteria channel it's so good yeah yeah hopefully he's recovering and not eating more diaries the ball of diarrhea in the microwave yeah bulimia is the cause of her infatility Terry are you going to the doctor because she had stopped menstruating yeah she's not demonstrating yeah her pussy's do it the pushy stop fucking work yeah there we go yes I still fucking with the

hospital yeah have them on the show every episode just we need to hit the Tony yeah Tony I guess it's lowest and it's fuck you wait hold on Peter that's lowest right I don't wash Tony I'm not menstruating what's going to do what's in your portfolio another you're a new huh let's roll out your resume I gotta think about it for a second oh wow look at that it's hard to do an impression on the spot Joe from my family guy great buddy from Seinfeld also can you do quagmire no that's like really can't oh I wish you say giggity giggity oh right I can't

really can't really sorry man yeah this is man Mike Rowland has the funniest bit about that I'll do around the house where he's a cholo who loves cartoon babies and thinks that they're real and he's like that's doing Griffin he's smart as hell man he's like a baby but he talks like he's like an adult I hope we that'll be on the show someday I don't know if we can put down you don't think that why can't you put on the show well because it's a we'll generate stuff for the show yeah this is a lot of muscle on your little tweets your little Twitter sketches a little twin of bagos my job is to recycle my material

bringing people on you're gonna come up with new shit you know what I mean yeah you know that's just my feeling yeah I love to just give it to you that's all right I realized like a week ago that you had a Twitter that you were a Twitter guy I had no idea you know yeah I didn't know what you think he was just some guy who has a broken heart forever do you have broken or forever yeah it's a broken he's saying that because you're here but he's a romantic no different that's a different girl no it's hard to broken right this guy's this guy's an open book so it's broken right now the woman's intuition they know they can't

do math but they can see feelings we're gonna have him on being in and we're gonna find out about there yeah we're gonna have you on yeah what's he in up to right now is he still in PA I don't know he's growing old rapidly yeah it's crazy I will send him a text being like here's what we need to do and then I'll send the same thing back to me's repeating my words that he means to send to the editor but it's to me how much and how I know you're just mining my I love you but I hate that that's part of his brand because it's like you shouldn't be making smoking part like it's not it's so bad for you know my dad

did the same thing where it was he wanted to be like the Marlboro guy like that was part of his brand it's not it's just an addiction it's a terrible but it's not they might say it's a brand but that's like that's like me being mean to you know I don't want cancer at like 43 yeah that's all genetic it's almost like 99% genetic that's true it is true Tim did Tim Dylan told me oh that must be true he was like I got my heart scan my calcium score is zero and I was like is that I'm sure I'm sure he'll live no bones no he's no calcium and sorry he's no he doesn't look like he didn't know that about him Dylan he certainly was 100% believe that I

don't have any bones I don't have any bonds that's terrible I never really tried but you got too confident okay I'll fucking work on listen I don't have any bones wow no it's a little isn't it a little southern twangy no not really wow Nick you're so funny can you do the Philly accent that's a really good joy that's a good joy right you're so funny it's so accurate oh my god Tim doesn't have a Philly accent always is what it boils Tim and Tim and the howling ball I'm so mad I don't have laryngitis anymore that was the best weekend I would only spoke as Alec the beginning of the episode you sounded so

fucked up that it was like I was like I don't know if I can listen but then ten minutes in you like figured it out yeah and it was sick it's cool dude to sound like Alec Baldwin whenever you lose your voice it's the best yeah I sound like Tara Reid it's the it rolls you sound like the biggest skank ever yeah it's great I'm going to kill a woman this week it just it drops your voice down to like your sternum I don't really feel bad about it I don't feel bad at all she deserved to die yeah it's just in a world guy it was a rust Tom LaFontaine yeah yeah rust a movie where a woman is killed and it's funny it's called bust let's

all laugh at this woman as she dies this summer we're gonna have a fucking Alec Baldwin style death with this massive fake gun someone's gonna put a bullet in that thing I'm going to lose my mind and put a real gun on the set I say wouldn't it be funny if I accidentally killed someone did he put a real gun on the set no I think they feel the bad was like a wasn't it wasn't a real bullet from what I somebody to show me the roast of him by his daughter amazing incredible what I what I recall reading is that they had real guns on the set there was no live ammunition on the set but some like PAs or something took the

guns and went shooting with them and then brought the guns back to set and they weren't checked properly so the gun had like you know three blanks and then one real bullet that sucks why was he aiming it at one of the directors and shooting it didn't go like past he was doing a bit with everybody everyone's made the joke but just the mental image of Alec Baldwin just being like put that coffee down like remember Glenn Gary Glenn Ross you know like just fucking and killing someone by accident doing Glenn Gary Glenn Ross if Alec Baldwin had killed Jack Lemon yeah just wait just wait just wait a goddamn minute all

right well that'll probably do it you guys got anything you want to plug I got a I got a podcast I got a podcast called out for smokes and I got some road dates put the road dates all right I got I got I got Foxboro I got Des Moines I got Minneapolis I got Chicago all coming up there in my here in my Instagram bye if you can follow about Instagram at Mike Racine comedy thank you oh my blessing listen to be any in with Jordan I'm in Tacoma December 8th 9th and 10th I'm on the road with Louie the 14 15 16 17th go to LouieCK.com to look at the dates Detroit Bellmore New York being in is very good thank you so much I just got

the the BBC blackhead shirt it's a really good shirt it's yeah I got a shirt I actually wear it is fucked up I mean it's crazy at the mania that ensues when you put to sick one of the best podcast episodes I ever listened to was I think episode 7 of being in her story about her dad's funeral I didn't even guys it was crazy and you guys do like a traditional Indian funeral with the elephant we I decided it would be a good idea to have a paper roast my dad's funeral and it was a bad idea I would love to do an Indian funeral what happens in an Indian funeral same as a wedding yeah I would just I would just do yeah the wedding

but it's a funeral I can't make that Indian joke work just you got to put a rope you tie a rope to the elephant's tail and then the other end of the casket just have the elephant drag the casket to the hole yeah you call it the hole like if you're a pallbearer like you're like where's the hole I think it's the grave oh the grave that's the word there is a word for it all right I forgot I forgot that I forgot this called the grave and not a hole I want an Indian so it's called the hole it's like you with the praying thing I love you they don't say that what people praying when you're like you know how they kneel in

the carpets I love you that's not what they say and you're like I'm better I like that better though I love you on my tiktok every live I've been getting because when you scroll through your tiktok they show you different people going live there's this thing of like people in the Middle East usually like a grandfather or a dad and a kid and they just say thank you I love you thank you I love you click like like like like like thank you what they say it over and over and people just click like and send them like money and I see ones with like nine viewers they're just talking to like nine people just say

thank you I love you thank you I love you he's in the Will Ferrell bloopers where he's doing the balls or my plums you know I'm talking about and he's trying to say recollect he goes recollect like really it's really the funniest thing ever Google it some of the best blue Google plums where's you'll have a good time you're gonna tiktoks you want to plug Mike my next eyes are just like Mike Christine comedy I'll be at the the Dover Dalloway public library opening for for a magician at 4 p.m. next Tuesday how that's not what are you that's funny it's a funny visual well doesn't sound like a bad gig doesn't sound like a bad

get what is it this is like connected to your vocal box doesn't sound like you have to open it I guess I gotta work on it like yeah it's like how a pigeon can't walk without what we said you can't talk about flipping your face yeah all right well thanks folks see a Sunday or Monday and happy Thanksgiving everybody