The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 100 – Damn

Episode Date: April 26, 2018

lol theres been 100 episodes of this

Pussy Hard poop pussy. Hey, this is Mark Mark Wahlberg and we're out here in Cabo San Lucas And I'm doing 20 bench presses for retarded kids We're raising money for retarded kids here in Cabo San Lucas. I don't have a shirt on and I'm ready to bench press That's like half his Instagram. Really? Yeah, he's doing charity without shirts. Yeah shirtless charity. Oh hell. Yeah We're raising money for the retarded kids of Boston Association So one of my favorite charity in Boston my favorite charity the mentally retarded Boston child Association

That's a good charity mark. Let's look at it. Let's go to his Instagram now Let's go look at him without that shirt on so stars a little upset today Am I a little upset you want to explain why? Why we recorded an episode yesterday. I could tell why don't you just let him speak at him? Well, I yeah, I'm annoyed whenever we fucking have to do that. I think it's gonna be a fine episode We're gonna release it as another bonus anyway, so you guys you know, are we or aren't we we are man I'm that I am upset about whenever we record these things that we don't really yeah It's fucking stupid because there's plenty of good shit in there. That's like especially if we're already doing an episode

Like or more or do we are we not is this not an episode either? It's not even plugged in. This is the only time that I hang out with people. That's fine No, I thought that was the discussion yesterday that we're gonna release it as a bonus episode We should release it and anyway, I'm gonna be out of town this weekend. So yeah, we're gonna do so stay tuned guys If you're patreon subscribers guess who's getting an extra shitty episode It'll be fine It's just fine, you know whatever. It's not the best episode, but I don't give a fuck dude. Yeah Happy easy y'all make sure it aqua hydrate shirtless again here to promote

Some type of water it's Diddy's water. Oh, is it? Yeah, why doesn't mark have his own water? I think they sponsor diddy and Brandon Wardell. Do they I think Brandon gets cases. No, he doesn't get sponsored by them. I Think you maybe got a free maybe did once. Yeah as an influencer We got to be lifestyle influencers. Yeah, I would love to have a partnership with a brand If you have a brand out there, and you want me to fucking be the spokesman Holler at me, dude. Yeah, you know If if what's that like cheese flavored cigars? No, like What was that? What was that good company to pair with stuff?

What was that women's store ladybug sweatpants with pockets fashion fashion bug if fashion bug wants to fucking release a men's line I'm your guy. What's the slutty one that a party bleach to get rainbow plus To get peanut oil off your hands that special type of soap. I don't use peanut oil I use avocado oil olive oil on your body. Yeah, I'm cooking it oil You have the residue from a late-night trip to checkers on your hands. You want to forget that it happened I'm not a checkers boy. Check out Stavros Halkia's baby wipes brought to you by I don't know Glaxo Smith Klein, whatever type of chemical company has to come up with Dupont, I want to work with Dupont. The Dow Chemical Company presents the only wet naps that'll work on a man

Who's got nine layers of bean dip? It's coated on his hand. Yeah, it's just it's just the nine layer dip, but it's on my hand. It's like sour cream cheese Salsa That would be a good company to sponsor you. Dow the Dow Chemical Company? Like a company that makes diabetes medicine, but the medicine is just inside of a Tootsie Pop That sounds good. Yeah, that's in the middle. It's a gobb stopper And they know no fat person has the fucking Patience to get to the middle so that the medicine is not gonna work. They're gonna need more of it. Yeah, it's smart, dude

They're gonna keep selling more and more. Yeah, so yeah, I'm open to all these ideas except cheese flavored cigars I don't want to do that I would be open to a A cigar made out of cheese. Uh-huh. Do you mean a mozzarella stick? Yes? Yes, exactly If you want me to sponsor your mozzarella sticks, I'll do that too. Hey, when you go to a restaurant, they call that shit fried cheese Wait, where do the mozzarella sticks plenty of places that makes you feel bad? I know it does one place Numerous restaurants. I've been to refer to it as fried cheese sticks rather than mozzarella sticks. That's bullshit, man Yeah, that's rude. It is maybe they don't use mozzarella

Speaking of fried cheese sticks, Lindy West movie is picked up by Lorne Michaels is gonna produce it. Is it a movie? I thought it was a show. I don't know. I don't really pay attention to these sorts of things. I just Yes, you do. When I sent it to you, you said you already seen it. Yeah, cuz somebody else sent it to me I got sent the same screenshot nine times people update me anytime Lindy does anything people let me know Yeah, well, dude, you guys are bound together for eternity. Yeah by gravity It's a one of the four, you know subatomic forces of the universe. I don't have any control over it Yeah, what was I gonna say before how about a woman that's so fat that it sucks to come out of your body Like the moon with I like that. Yeah. Oh, is that okay? Yeah

So you mean she's an ash which she'd have to be an astronaut in orbit. Yeah, and she's the tide is Come coming out of your dick, right? They heard the gravitational pull Of the girthy woman. Isn't that how periods work, right? This is they do something to do look at that look how gross that is what is that used on the dog Why is there all that hair That's you shaved your hands yesterday, I know I shaved my hand. I'm not making funny. I'm saying that your hands again today. I know I like shaving my

Hand stop shaving your knuckles at the table. I get look disgusting. It keeps me smooth and fast Say you want a good riffs saying things like cheese cigars. Yeah, you got to be smooth. All right Look, I can already tell I'm gonna have to carry this show this time because it's a makeup episode And I'm gonna get zilch from YouTube bozo. No, I'm I'm feeling a lot better. I was I was tired yesterday Oh, were you tired? Yes, I was you're too busy thinking about bits for Bits monthly stand-up stand-up stand-up stand-up show you do every seven weeks Did you stand up every frequently? Yeah It's so funny. I until like two months ago. I did stand up maybe three times in 2017

Yeah, I know I went I went out probably like ten times in 2017. That's crazy. Really? Yeah I quit comedy basically. I mean when I was right on when I was ready on Moshe's show I didn't go up a single I would do I went three and a half months without doing a single spot Damn, that's wild. I know it feels good to be back But also you'll never feel like you belong again once you take a break the fuck you never come eating anymore I can tell you just see the way people look at me You would just have a club and I'm hanging out such weird issues I like the things that you are self-conscious about are hilarious. Yeah, there's nobody treats you the same. Oh, yeah

That is true. I read that. I read that on the trades. Yeah Real quick guys. I'm some guy that burns out, you know It's like my friend He used to go to jail for long periods of time and he would come out and then he would get excited about pop culture shit That happened years prior. Oh, yeah, you'd be like dude. Have you heard about Xbox live? like yeah, yeah Have you seen the movie Dan in real life? I've never seen that movie. Yeah, it's not a good movie. What happens today my friend went to jail

He got out of jail and then he got a place to live and he had a Dan in real life poster It is hell. Was it a Steve Carell? Yeah, it was mm-hmm Wait, what happens there? I think it's a drama. I've never seen it Yeah, I know it's not a guy named Dan who's online all the time Real life they find out that he's not not a you know racist podcast Oh, okay, it's just a guy named just a family man named Dan interesting, you know simple one syllable having name Just wants to just wants to do woodworking It's Dan IRL

Yeah, that does seem like a fantasy because that would never happen in real life. Yeah in reality that guy's exactly as racist as he's on the podcast What happened so wait Some guy who was an incel guy like kill what happened? Oh, that was Toronto. Yeah, yeah, yeah the guy with the van He was also retarded. He was incel and retarded. Yeah, and Armenian. Oh damn. Oh my god. Yeah, he must have been This is Mark Wahlberg All the retarded kids except that one that drove that van through that parade For the guy that pulled a little Boston Marathon action up in Toronto Boston even does it our murders better actually not that many people

Of course, how many people died in Boston bombing just like 700 people Cookers right and yeah, look out their ankles blown instant pots. Yeah, but but then like a lady die I think a couple people died. Yeah, how many people died in Toronto? Seven oh, so maybe Toronto. Maybe he did better than dude I don't know when that when that guy set it off with that truck and niece and he killed like a hundred people Yeah, that guy's the good. Oh, this is the way to go. Yeah, you know, you got to go truck You got to go truck. He's Jordan. Yeah You want to talk to big truck? That's that's the real Grave Digger

Yeah, hell yeah, dude, no fear Calvin pissing on the American flag Women going to college Well, they all love that's I'm telling you dude. We're getting closer and closer to a redneck Muslim world And that's not some people want you know fucking white people discover Islam. That's the end of the world for everybody Yeah, yeah, if you have like Muhammad justifying their hate crimes. Who boy, you know, I don't think that'll ever happen I mean could you think white people white white trash that why why would everything about Islam appeals to them? Every single thing like swords now trucks also, that's true, you know guns violence It's impressive. It's oppressive towards everyone except them. You get to rape all you want. Yeah, men are the best. Yeah

Is religion you have a giant fucking duck dynasty beard, that's true the beard It's 100% compatible with that lifestyle. The only thing is is they don't have the music kind of sucks You know, it's not cool shit like well, you know, we're going down to the dance and I hope that girl from the Dairy Queen is there I am maybe they could mix it up a little bit going mudding, you know, that's a lot like pushing a gay guy off the roof of building Yeah, well aren't aren't a bunch of like terrorists actually gay They found out bin Laden all that don't they like fuck boys or something. Yeah. Yeah in Afghanistan like the warlords Yeah, we're fucking boys. I like how it is. Like they said, oh, you know, it's porn is if like Yeah, so does everyone. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Oh, oh now. I you know, I thought I thought bin Laden was pretty cool guy

They looked at porn What what a monster you think he's actually they actually got him dude. I think steel teams body body. Yeah shit This is ass in the water. Yeah, right about a boy Pakistan. That's about a boy Hugh Grant steamed town in Pakistan You know where I could buy a prostie Well, what happened they threw him into the ocean. Yeah, we got no proof. I want to see his head There's a couple pics, right? He died. I liked it

Some of it laden and Jack from Titanic died the same way. Yeah I think the steel team six kissed him on the lips That's pretty tight. Yeah Yeah, dude, this should be a big Osama bin Laden grave and memorial You know and we should put a beard on the top of the Washington Monument. Yeah, well that way it'll be bait for terrorists That's true. They'll come to be like, oh, I gotta give respect respect my respects to Osama And we have Chris Kyle and we fly plane and something. Yeah, that's what we should have done We should have we should have made that's we should have let them turn ground zero into a mosque

We build the towers as mosques Create the biggest mosque in the way not to fill it with Muslims Air Force one If Trump that's the way Trump went out I would be like salute. Yeah I wouldn't be like, all right Big red white and blue chemtrail That would be I love that you guys excited for Hillary 2020. Yep, she's coming back baby. It's gonna happen. I'm ready Joanne Reed, what are the bed with that ladies?

Yeah, yeah, she had the old blog post where she's like honestly it is disgusting to look at gay guys kiss each other Make you want to throw And then she said apparently she said that Russia Hacked her old blog, which isn't even online anymore. Awesome. Yeah Yeah, it'll be awesome when Hillary runs again and everyone's like doesn't blame her for losing and Then she lose to Trump again. Yeah, let's bring you great if Trump doesn't even run 79 it's a guy that collects knives It's like I'm running for president is part of the knife party

It's all different collections of butterfly knobs and blades and things I enjoy that nature They're like, what are you gonna do about the economy? I don't know nothing about that. I just collect knives That's my platform. They're like, well, what about Syria? What are we gonna do with Syria? Again? I don't know how more direct I could be Collect knives and I'm a knife enthusiast and if you have questions about that, I will answer them Everyone's like clapping Hillary's like we're gonna kill all the children in Syria. They're like boo. You could have just deflected

Yeah, this week was really annoying because Emmanuel Macron was visiting The White House and he's married to his old teacher from school. She's like 30 years older than him really She was his French teacher. He's hot. It's like the most French thing. Are you serious? That's his wife. He fucks his teacher as a child and then grew up and made her a wife. Wow Yeah, we all everybody knows that story already. I don't know that but everyone's like pictures of Melania and Trump and then Macron and the old man are like, I wish our

I wish our president was as in love is the French president with his old lady They're like, yeah, isn't it pathetic that we remember when we had Obama and he used to I love when my cousin cuddles his wife Yeah, yeah, he's to he's to top and bottom and bottom from the top and Yeah, for dunker. It sucks that we get Blumkins from her It is funny because the only cool thing about Trump is that he fucks. Yeah The only cool thing about him. Yeah, why did the the left keeps trying to promote that he has sex? Yeah people pretty cool Yeah, I mean he sucks, but it is cool that he fucks. I mean he fucks in that weird rich guy way He's not good at fucking probably I think stormy Daniels and the playboy girl said he was good at fucking and that his dick was good

Really, I think so. Yeah. All right. Okay. Respect Donald. This is she got pipe. This is the day Donald Trump became president That I found out his dick was pretty good Do you really want to trust the economy with a man that just collects knives It's pretty nice hog you got there sir. Yo, wait, you know, it is gonna suck. I didn't want to have to do this I just wanted to discuss my Is the only thing I came here is a last resort when you push a man to his limits He's got to pull his cock out That's how I resolve disputes both on the national stage and while waiting in line at Arby's

Isn't Joe Biden gonna probably run for president yeah, he's old as fuck too. Yeah, and he's a fucking sexual predator also Do you know because son is brain cancer? Yeah, well you get one if your son gets cancer Yeah, if your son gets brain cancer, I think his wife and kid also died in a terrible car. Yeah, that's one point That's one point seven five. Yeah, he's lost a lot of kids that guy Strange hmm. I'm not gonna say or maybe or maybe maybe God is punishing him. Yeah, you know, you're not breaking enough The redneck Muslim God Insha'Allah, yeah Who should we get to run for president guys not the rock not Oprah?

We need a candidate for the cable guy. Yeah, that's it. They're the cable guy literally could win Yeah, I mean Trump won dude as Larry the cable guy. He would win not a standpoint. Yeah. No, no, no, of course Like drop it the week before the election I knew that already Actually from Florida, I think it would actually work be like Oh, what? Yeah, Hillary loses to Alexa Hillary loses to one of Jeff Dunham's puppets Puppet with a man's hand in his ass this whole time shut up bitch Boom your cock out sweetie, and that man is Vladimir Putin

Yeah, yeah, you think there's gonna be a trans Republican candidate before there's a Of course dude, Caitlin. Yeah, probably. Yeah. Oh Caitlin. The best was during the election when she was like shoot guns today Where it's a nice place in Manhattan. Yeah, now you have to go out of the city There's a indoor shooting range. We should go do that this week. We have another rainy day We should go tomorrow to go see my But when I'm back, yeah, or we're gonna we have to go shoot fire. Oh, I don't know if this one's coming out tomorrow Or if the other one's coming out tomorrow, but we are going to Baltimore next. Oh, yeah He just he just messaged me. Okay, great. So announcing officially right now. So we can announce. Yeah

We will be at the auto bar in Baltimore on Sunday the 6th little impromptu show secret show Little basically a secret show, but please come out to that. We're gonna do a live podcast Just the boys getting our nuts sucked in Baltimore. So please come out to that guys the 6th That is that's basically a week and a half at this point. So it's very he's very soon It's probably a bad idea that we're doing this, but hey who gives a fuck We're gonna have fun in Baltimore. Have a fun weekend. Yeah quick to show. Yeah, we're gonna sell like five tickets Yeah, it's gonna be should we how much should we how much your tickets be? Oh, we'll talk about that. Yeah, that's a hundred dollars. Yeah Yeah, yeah, okay. All right

Yeah, I actually think now I'm thinking about it's probably a bad idea to do a Baltimore show so soon after the DC show It's not so soon four months. Yeah, but in procrastination time. It's been like two weeks for us Yeah, it feels like well like like it fucking matters like we would prepare for it. Anyway, you know matters black lives Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's the only thing that's a little taste of the stuff We're gonna be talking about Serious at that Baltimore. Yeah, we're gonna have special guest Sheila Dixon will be and the mayor Tom How about the new subway mask? Oh fuck should we try should we offer Tom like six grand? He won't do it He's mad at me and then people keep people are like being mean to Tom

And it's like I've never I've never been mean to Tom The only thing I've ever done And on the podcast in person At that show that you open for him and mocked him six years ago H forks was not mean to him It's just like I'm realistic about what Tom is, but I wish him the best We love you. I do Tom's hilarious. I literally do. Yeah, he doesn't understand why he's funny It's the same thing that's with Seth. It's like, you know, it's the guy that's like very funny But not for the reasons they want to be is not on purpose funny. Yeah, he's very funny

Well, he had translated is a great which is like as a comedian like you're always gonna be partially that you know I mean, there's nothing fucking worse than the comedian that takes himself seriously. Yeah, you know Tom does Of course, which is great. Which is also sort of what's great How awesome would it be if Tom like just leaned into it led and like open for us in every show Like that would be like gonna harass I've never said anything bad about Tom and he acts like I'm to call him like a shittiest comic in the world or so I mean, I did but yeah, it's like so did Nikki. Yeah, I mean, okay. How about this? Yeah, that's both We're just gonna give Tom

all of door Yeah, Tom gets the whole door if Tom if you're listening I love that picture. He posted this like the return of Ron Bender He posted He's healing from the gout surgery quite nicely He posted a pic of that tweet Louis did of like everyone's asking me to book this guy Tom Mars. He must be pretty cool and Tom Puts it on Instagram. It's like, how's your day going everybody?

I hope he does it. Yeah, everyone's requesting this guy and I still probably won't book him. How's your guys? How's he putting you guys up to? You know, he adjusted the belt Just like he did before I'm gonna sign up to be an intern of that tweet where he's like, uh He's like, oh, yeah, it's nice to see a video of former open mic extraordinaire Yeah, what do you mean by that that I'm a professional comedian? Formerly very promising open maker that became a good comic Anyways, he goes, yeah music on bits I haven't done for 10 years

It's not my fault the guy can't get over a bad performance from the bush era Well, bush was still in office. It's like, how did you manage to work in George W. Bush? Into this defense of yourself That's so good. Sorry. I'm texting the fucking the auto bar guy right now. Okay. Okay. So the sixth of Sounds like let me see your car. Yeah, I'm like, come on, dude. We'll do whatever. I don't care the money Let's just see it Just please just if not through texting and when I'm there Problems me. I get to see a car when I'm there. I'll tell you're a fucking good guy

I know that everyone says that about you. I'll take your word Auto bar is like kind of like punk Kind of metal you won't feel comfortable there. I've been there with the bad boys of fucking comedy. You've never but you've never been in a Cool place. I did that show What was the show they used to do there? Adam gets his drinks at Jim Burry. That's where he goes That's his favorite bar. Yeah, they have the ball pit there. Yeah I would no joke Dude when I was working in the mall one time there was a children's place

It was a two level mall and like you that like it was a walkway so you could like see down to the level of the mall from walkway and My boss at the kiosk like points over and he's like What the fuck is this dude doing and there's just this like this like this day labor looking guy And he's got a like a vhs camcorder Just pointed at the children's place No, dude Oh my god

Jesus christ I was having like chest pains laughing Is he's smiling? Yeah, I'm like Look, okay, look that is obviously horrible behavior, but As opposed to I guess abducting one of those children and having sex with them is just casing the joints. That's okay Dude a little scouting. Yeah, he's like, where are all the emergency exits? How is it? How much for a little one? I want a little one with the we need a pool show

He's like, hey, we have the same clothes. Yeah. We were the same. Yeah, he's confused about she thinks children's place Where you buy children the fuck? Yeah, yeah Yeah, I like one of the children in your place, please. Oh, yeah Damn I would love a ball pit though It must be I've I bet you think anyone's I mean, I'm sure someone has fucked in a ball pit, but yeah for sure I used to have a recurring nightmare that I was like at the bottom of one And I was trying to swim up to the top

Swim, you know, like get up Above the balls and then I was constantly just not able to Interesting. I was a little kid. I wake up screaming. Really? You were scared of that with my mom Yeah, I used to suck on her fucking tits and shit Yeah, nice thing. I used to pee on my dad's to get the fuck out of bed Yeah, yeah, yeah edit some edifice shit. Yeah, she's my baby You know what what happened to edifice was some fucked up shit, man. It was super fucked up

Yeah, he got his eyes out at the end. It's fucked. Yeah poor guy poor guy. He didn't know he was what he was doing He's gonna fuck his mom. That sucks, dude Right, nick. What do you think about edifice? I had a little bit of indigestion there for a second. You okay? Yeah, because you I confuse it for heart pain all the time. Oh, so you think you're dying Do you take something for it? Do you take tom's or? What about fish oil? Is that good for you? I try to eat a lot of fish. Yeah, omega-3s are good I just bought some fish oil. I bought. Yeah, I have some too. Really? Yeah, the thing I don't like about fish oil Is you always burp it up?

Well, I don't know. Is it like vitamins whenever I take vitamins in the morning? Fish oil Fish oil isn't like vitamins because it's not you are supplementing, but it's like it's just fat So your body will absorb it. I mean it's food. It has like caloric content That's from taking like B vitamins. Yeah. Yeah, so you piss those out right away They don't do anything. Any water soluble vitamin. Yeah, you're gonna absorb some of it But any water soluble vitamin if you get an excess of your body will just piss it out right away Fat soluble ones or like there's a toxicity level that you have to keep in mind Those are like what a ke and

I don't know man. I'm trying to be a real scientist. No, I just I mean, I'm probably wrong about that even And I like I don't really know much about fucking vitamins and shit. I think it's a crock I think it's I think vitamins are all bullshit. I think it is for the most part But yeah, it doesn't hurt to supplement sure, you know, you're gonna absorb some of it Yeah, my body hurts from my extreme day of cycling yesterday. Yeah, you cycled three burrows like like 20 miles, baby And I'm pretty good my butt cheeks hurt And I hit the gym. I was benching I was doing curls like I said, I'm gonna have big arms this summer Uh-huh. You're gonna see me out in the fucking beach. I'm bright and beach

Get my you want to go you want to do a six-week arm block? Sure. Yeah, we'll do it. Well, I'll write up a permit. You're not invited I'm not. I don't want to be there. I mean stop are just gonna get big arms. I would love that I would love to get big arms. People love has you know I've been getting a real real nice pump as you do whatever your curl bullshit You're doing and then you take a resistance band and you really just fucking wrap it out with the resistance band at the end You're a real nice pump going resistance band like the like the little rubber bands. There's rubber bands. You just step on it Then you step on it and then you just like a hammer curl grip and you just pull them up

And then it's more more tension at the top where it's okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll fuck with that Yeah, I also I bought home gym equipment. I bought a little bench that goes under my bed I can pull it right back right up. Those are nice And then I bought those fucking bow flex dumbbells so you can adjust the weight. I might get some resistance bands too How much are those? Those are expensive. They're like Hey man for fitness now like 300 bucks 300 bucks. Yeah, fuck to look fucking good as hell Yeah, for two. What the fuck to look good as hell Doesn't matter dude 300. I'm toothless. I'm gonna have a little muscle. How heavy they have big arms

7700 pounds in one one one double that 140 pound weight vest. I bought with $300 300 weights cost a lot of money. It's expensive. Yeah, they are and then the post office refused it Yeah, yeah, yeah, it hasn't arrived by the bench came and I ordered them the same time the weights aren't here So you got it on like primers. Yeah, I got that poor fucking usps guy. Fuck him. That's his job, dude Yeah, fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck that. Fuck him. Fuck. I hope he dies bringing the package On the truck Yeah, I need those things that I'm gonna curl four times max probably How fucking expensive a letter is and it takes like no effort to

That's true. That's a good point. Most of the shit is fucking bullshit Yeah, every once in a while, you got to fucking do some bow flex shit. Yeah, that ain't my fault Yeah, I've got to look fucking shredded this summer. Right. I'm trying to get my nuts sucked out on Brighton like I said Why Brighton Beach? I don't know. That's why the worst beach of these guys. I don't know. I'm never I'm actually never gonna go there It's not the worst beach. It's kind of it's kind of what's the one the rockaways. That's the one I go to Yeah, yeah, yeah, we should go to the beach where um You see titties cool girls go during the week and see their titties and yeah Yeah, put their have their titties out not that I'm gonna look at love seeing big titty babes out on the beach having a big summertime

100% I would literally do love that. I don't I think it's cool. I was kidding. I don't enjoy it I think it's I think women should be chast Dude, you're gonna go Islam. Is it chased? Chased chaste. It's chased. I think so. Yeah, it's not chast like chastity. No, it's chased I think it's chased. I knew that from Mormon kids, but you don't say chastity Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's two different words from a similar. You know, fuck me up like that lambast and lambast lambast lambast it in lambast Yes, oh lamb based. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What are you lamb based my cock and butter and suck it? Why don't you?

Shut up How about that motherfucker? What? Yeah, that's right. That's right. I don't fuck with the insult kid Are you fucking serious? Yeah, I don't want to come into my house. You better pull your pants down and get ready to have your Dick point. My dick is out. I'm gonna point at your dick until it comes to being small I wish I could come in that kind of fashion just a woman pointing at your dick and you know, ah, yeah That's cool. The David Boyd is nutting. What's the fastest way you've come or have come? Me Just by accident. Yeah, really? What do you mean?

I mean, just like sometimes you just slips on a banana peel. Yeah. No, sometimes you like just with no friction or Oh, no, no, I mean, yeah. No, I mean, I have to have my like dick in a bar But sometimes you get carried away like early on. Yeah, you're like, oh, whoops. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah, I love busting early Do you? Yeah, it's like getting out of school with like It's a half day, baby All right, you finish yourself off. I'm gonna go have an ice cream cone Yeah, smoke weed at McDonald's Yeah, I'll bust uh

It's like I have no in between dude. I either bust immediately which or really Immediately, no, no, no, like we're talking like one pump. No five pumps within five minutes is starting Yes, like right at the five minute mark probably that's yeah, that's way too early for me coming early is like within the first 10 minutes No, that's or or I'll or I just like can't cut it's like I have to have My nuts sucked in a specific way and like get beat off and like you're hard, but you can't bust Yes, either I bust so fast or it takes me a while to bust And either way, it's not good. You don't feel good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you know, because if you bust early, you're a fucking bitch

And then if you can't bust it's like what the fuck what's going on in here a bit It's it's better to just not fuck. It's better to live in a world where you don't fuck. Just lift you just lift I mean honestly. Yeah, kind of yeah, because you always get better at lifting weights You get progressively kind of worse at fucking. No, I'm I feel like I'm better at fucking every year Really? I'm putting you tricks in my bag. Yeah. I was pretty bad at fucking I feel like I was better at fucking when I was like 23. I think I didn't get like confident I thought like my thing is that older I get the less I care. Uh-huh. You know, it's like, well, I want this other person Have a good time. It's like, no, I just want to die

I just want to be dead and I don't want to have to fucking do this anymore I think until like maybe 27 this is a prison Sex it's a fuck. Yeah, it's a fucking it's a goddamn a fuck prison. Yes. You can't escape it It's something you just fucking have to do and everything the way you pass time in regular prison rape Exactly. That's how that's how much of a prison that fucking is that even in prison It's still there Can't get away from it. Yeah, unless you're in solitary. No, those guys jack off in there. Yeah, they gotta jack You have to you gotta jack off. That's probably the only reward you have goddamn, but lifting weights

That's freedom. Maybe you'll be uh reincarnated as uh vienna boys choir. Just like a high voiced castrato They don't have castratos do they? Yeah, a weightlifting castrato Yeah, Saudi Arabia might have some shit like that. They feel like they're still cutting people's dicks off to sing good Yeah, I think aran does that aran's uh olympic weightlifting program. They remove the genitals of Aran does sex changes like paid for by the government. Yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah I think if they find out you're gay, they the government makes you become a woman Adam was researching how to get a sex change for free

He's not even trained. He just loves the bar game. All right guys. All right guys. Here's uh, I you guys have been asking for Here's adam's deal corner. If you're if you want a sex change just be gay in iran Um By the way, you look so much better without that mustache, dude. Oh, thank you. You can't do I you can't pull off a mustache Um, yeah, well, I'm going to see my mother tomorrow. You look cute. You look cute. I don't like it She doesn't like the stash. My little brother said he liked my stash My girlfriend likes it. You're I like your mustache a lot. Thank you. Yeah, I appreciate it. It balances your face out Thank you. Thank you. No, uh, man was telling me how attracted he was to you last night. Oh nice. Yeah

Uh, is he gay? No, it's a nick nanny. He was like, yeah before I even knew him. I just look at his facebook pictures I found him to be really attractive That's good. Maybe I can fuck nanny in the ass Yes He's doing our show next month. Yeah next month and I don't think he'll cancel No, no, he's not a canceled boy. Not like tim dillon. Not like tim dillon who who had to go Trying you flavor of caramel and that's why no, he did another show. I saw I know but yeah That show looks good. Yeah, it was good

Anyway, um, why are you destroying that can nick? I'm practicing cutting How about like a relationship where the boyfriend helps the girl cut That's love dude. Yeah, I don't know why that's so funny to me, but it's like, yeah, I'll help you. I'll cut you babe There's definitely fucking I don't think in high school you would do whatever it took. Oh, of course. Yeah I would have done whatever the fuck it took. I probably I don't know if I would have killed But I would have been like an accomplice of some crime to fuck in high school It sort of makes sense that girl that was like telling her boyfriend to kill himself like in the context of high school It's like, oh, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, except like I'm sad sometimes where she's like, yeah, you should kill yourself

Have you done it? Did you do it? Yeah Yeah, what you just are fucking retarded. Yeah teenagers are like Insane, do you think I mean he must have gotten some head for for killing yourself. Of course. You gotta head like a couple times No, sure. Well, hey, man. It's like any can you imagine how much more retarded the retarded teenagers are? So you think about guys like that that are like 30 and they've been working at the movie theater for 15 years Like, oh, I don't even want to think about Shit I was into different types of Oakley sunglasses I'm gonna bring back Oakley's behind the neck this summer the people used to do that in the Maryland area

Oh, no, I don't know what that was like a West Coast bro thing where you wear your sunglasses when you're inside behind your neck You know what I was really into for a second was where as a little kid I was into all these weird like I just wanted to look cool from tv. Uh-huh. So I was into putting your glasses like right Right at like your neckline and then also Tying a sweater around my waist. Oh, yeah Tying a sweater around waist. I thought that looked cool. That was a big look like mighty ducks era Yeah, exactly. Okay, Adam. I made a house for you. You can live there instead of your little business

I'm not gonna live in that. You can live in this game and then LaCroix can Are you fucking idiot? That's the way I want it. Nick cut a hole in a LaCroix can and then try to drink it And then spilled all over your sweater That's the way to do it. Idiot. Over his forever 21 sweater They didn't button the girl's section. Beads right off. Not a single drop on me I didn't know that they make boys forever 21. I didn't either but we went in there just because I needed a sweatshirt Because it was cold. Yeah, it was cold. How late is that place open like 11?

Uh, 10 at 10 p.m. That's where you go to get his fucking that's where that's where all the good pussy is dude forever 21 you go with 10 o'clock forever 21, huh? Hit that clearance rack the late the late shift. Yeah, meet up with some chinese girls first year at NYU They're like I need to buy clothes Okay, well once you come over my apartment, it's in brooklyn Cool pretty far away from campus so uh Don't make plans to be back

anytime soon Um Damn, dude. I got some chicken thighs waiting for me at home. I'm a meal prep guy now. Yeah But I'm marinating too. I'm marinating everything dude lemon juice garlic Oh, I'm bone of course. I mean I blend it up a nice little Sauce for salmon and asparagus. What do we got? You know, but you just uh, you blend ginger garlic cloves Like that is nice two or three garlic cloves a couple of slices of ginger

A quarter of a lemon don't just squeeze lemon juice in there. You got to put the lemon actually the whole thing to rind Everything. Uh, no, not to rind you peel that part off, but you quarter the lemon I love that quarter of a lemon in the gets a little more body couple of dollops of honey some oregano some soy sauce No, no soy sauce at all. I don't I think a little bit of honey I don't want to overstep my bound, but I think a little soy sauce might do the part. Well, I gotta do How do you do salmon? What do you broil it you broil of course always broil course. No, we've had this before on the podcast. Yes All right, we don't have to talk about it. Yeah, I make the perfect. I know I broil it

I broil it on low on the low setting on the broiler for maybe about 30 minutes just to cook the fish Yeah, I blast the fuck out of it. No, no, I do it the end I do like five minutes at the end on high to get the top crispy. Okay respect. Yeah Yeah, I I just know you're a mean I make much better salmon than you Yeah, you're fucking gonna skin down on the pan. You cook it most of the way through you flip it for five seconds You serve it. That's it. Fuck up pan fried salmon. You know what you're talking about. That's trashy, brother It's not trash. That's how white trash fucking makes salmon. No, that's how Alton Brown the best chef Alton Brown can suck my fucking nose. Alton Brown is a fucking bitch, dude. And if he ever comes on the show, I'll cut him

Yep, I'll fucking slice his ass out. No, I don't like you talking about Alton that way. Yeah It's like I want to get it. I want to become you think I can have a food network show someday That'd be cool. I think that's actually what I want to get. Well, maybe you'd have one of those like I'm traveling around Alexis tried that wasn't he supposed to have a food network show? What happened to that? You got a I thought he got a development deal Yeah, maybe for pizza probably Uh, yeah, but I don't know what happened with that. You love secret because that was this was years ago already But I thought that I remember that because it seemed like that was his whole thing So it made sense that that would happen to do like pizza tours. He still does pizza tours. Yeah, he still does pizza tours

But anyway, I want to be I want to be friends with celebrity chefs. How are we going to do that? You can um You'd be good at like having one of those travel like eating things. Yeah, exactly Yeah, I'm going to make my food network debut on my oh, I don't know A chode on the road. You go to different restaurants And I can only eat foods that are wider than they are They got adam richman was the stand-up right? Yeah, was he? Maybe not. I forget who I was talking to one time But they were like, you know, my buddy met him in real life and he's actually a lot fatter than he looks

I told you I told you guys how eldest got blocked because he was trolling him on twitter He kept sending him dms and asking him what his shits look like That's rude and eldest do that to a man who looks exactly like He looks like a body. He's got a better body than elders Elders has a woman's fat a fat woman's body. He does. He's got a big gym teacher body. Yeah. Oh, yeah a lesbian gym teacher. Yeah But with a very very furry asshole. Stop. Have you seen my whistle? Have you seen my whistle in my my 37 inch shorts? What okay guys, so what are you guys thinking? What are your summer style guides?

You know, what's your summer? I'm going heavy. That guns out baby cut all the sleeves off every t-shirt you had You go to you go to kmart. You get the most ironic graphic to you can find Which by the way, I lost my Chevrolet shirt. Oh bummer. You did and that was that was the funniest one I had Yeah, just the Chevy just all it said was Chevrolet on it and I remember buying it and then Putting it on as I left kmart and then walking around and he would have to dip into like Doorways around Manhattan to just giggle to myself Just laugh at the idea of wearing a shirt that just says Chevrolet You still got the Bob Marley one. I got the Bob Marley one. I got the house of cards. That's the best one. That's a real good number now

Sleeveless house of card shirt is ideal. Yeah, maybe this is the year I go tank tops, you know, since I will have giant arms and Well, we're done. Well, it's not like people can't tell that you're enormously fat. So you might as well go Yes, they can. No, they can't they can't hide it. I hide it really well Layers I layer that on Queer. I you have to have vertical stripes Yeah, I do a lot of dazzle others like I draw the eye elsewhere. So Fat guy like, you know basketball jerseys are like they can see where your breasts fold over your stomach I remember that look. That's a good look dude. That you know what that might be me this summer boys I'm going this summer. I'm going bucket hat

A lot of bucket. I love bucket. I'm running those back I love those the problem is the problem is I like them very big and I have such a big head I got a really big one and it's hard. I got one that might be too big for my head. Can I try it on? Yeah, yeah, yeah I like that look And then I'm going a wallet chain Bring them. Oh nice. Hell yeah. Is this because the guys on r slash fashion advice said that you you tried too hard. So now you're trying to Now you're trying to go white track. I thought you said it was 4chan not right. Yeah, I forget what it was

But it was one of something like that Listen, I'm just trying to curry the favor of the 4chan fashionistas. Yeah, people still post on 4chan. I think so Yeah, it's a little thing. Really? Yeah, damn. I feel that she was dead. Yeah, it's weird that it still exists. Yeah, it is Damn now that you have reddit. Exactly. Isn't it just 4chan? Yeah, basically except you can't post post child porn on reddit You can't really? Yeah, where up? Really? r slash uh the sweetest r slash the donald

Yeah, was it was it like 4chan sort of Like a lot of the socialists people now came from something awful and then a lot of the all right people came from 4chan I have no idea. I have to make a generalization like that. You know about computers. I know, but I don't know about social groups. I don't get like yeah, I don't know There we don't have to talk about it. Yeah. Well, you brought it up. I was asking. It seems like you really want to talk about this All right, I was content that I brought a grave digger. That's the only thing I've mentioned the whole show. What about um something else to mention um quiet place bad movie you already talked about you said that

There's like you sure I didn't just say that before the show Is there like two episodes ago? How many lines of dialogue are there in the whole movie? Um like four that's cool. Yeah. Do you see Emily blanched tits if you do you see your pussy You see the baby the baby coming out of do they pet pen should have said they let you masturbate in the movie theater They do that at the Alamo draft house. Yeah, they have no talking but you can jack off Guess what we finally created a place for tattletales to feel safe If you text during this movie That announcement is there to be super obnoxious. Yeah, wait. What happens you can't text in there

You can't do anything. I did one of the fucking waitresses came over and she was like, yeah, I don't text It's like, oh, you just don't want me to tip you. Okay, fine No, we're like you're gonna fucking like Police my movie while you were texting. I know I had to check my phone and it's like It's not going to ruin the movie for anybody I completely agree if you think that that's gonna if if somebody Texting is going to ruin the movie. You have such a debilitating case of ADHD that you should be shot and killed Also, you should be put out of your fucking misery

If see you can also hide it a small screen. Yeah, you can have it on your fucking lap and put it on low and also Isn't there tables that you could duck under? Yeah, that's what I was gonna say The ccep tables you can like look at it under the table and they were like pretty far apart from each other The tables have lights on them by the way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Yeah Well, which is more brighter than one cell phone But you know what it is once people see the cell phone they get jealous. They're like damn. I want to be on my phone Yeah, that's true. Every time I see someone checking their phone. I'm like, I want to do that I went to the draft house

When I first got a movie pass to see like like a noon movie And they were like just so you know, it's a family viewing and I was like, I didn't know what that meant And I went in so you can bring kids because you can't bring kids otherwise. Yeah, there's uh, there was like 15 babies. Oh my god at itanya. It was me a bunch of moms and like 15 babies and it was very annoying I gotta say they were really crying and stuff. Yeah, of course. Yeah, they were crying I didn't really like itanya and then they were they were they were sucking on a they're little binky and you were jealous How about guy tanya, you know, yeah, so I'm talking about the rock and it's guys only. Yeah, no family viewings No, okay, but this is the movie itanya. This is a guy. Yeah, this is a guy viewing of the movie

So you're allowed to jack off in the season That's pretty good, but it's the same exact movie Um, yeah, nice. Yeah At the end she goes to jail for not being a good wife For being a bad wife or loving husband who had that woman assaulted Yeah, he was just trying to help her Jeff motherfucking galooly bitch galooly. Yeah, I guess I was I hopefully there's 90s obsession And and soon now is this this is what always happens. I feel like when we were kids it was the 80s

Was it? Yeah. Well, it's still the 80s stranger things. Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe it's 70s. There's nothing current The only daily thing that takes place now that's any good is Bosch Bosch. Oh, yeah, I don't know. I just see the advertisements for it all the time and I see it on amazon Isn't that a tool movie? It is a tool company, but it's some show on amazon prime. It's got uh the tightest welliver or whatever That sounds like a fake name. No. Yeah, I know everything about it. It seems like a fake show Daniel Titus. No, it's the guy. He played Christopher Titus. He played. Uh, he played. What's his Cyrus something on deadwood? He's that guy that comes into the middle of season two on deadwood that fights to the big guy that wants to be swear engines

It's swear engines like number. Oh, yeah. Yeah, number two. Yeah, that guy. Yeah Yeah, it's the guy that is beefs with him and then they have a fight dan or dan dan kills them, right? I don't know if he kills them. They have a fight and then they become friends Oh, is that a kiss? I think I I mean, it's cool. Deadwood. Anyway, what's bosh? I have no idea. I just see the advertise about the time It's like bosh the new season starting two weeks, you know, it seems like a fake name for a show Yeah, I have no idea It's like ray donovan or any one of those like just serious streaming. Yeah, uh crime, you know

Yeah, that's probably pretty cool. But no one will watch right exactly. People do watch ray donovan with the fuck is bloodlines I don't know what that is. Is that real? That's a show. Yeah, definitely. There's all these there's all these shows like that These serious dramas. Damn. I want to hear the alienist. That's the new one You know, that's such a hilarious damages was one. I watched the first episode of that But yeah, there's a million shows like that but Oh burn notice burn notice burn notice is different because burn notice is uh is like a campy daytime It's like MacGyver. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah burn notice is a fun show

You know, it was good. Angie Tribeca was funny as shit. What was that? It's like a comedy with sexy ass Rashida Jones She's the main person and it's like I think Steve Carell producer something. It's fucking good. It's really well written It's got a lot of jokes. It's kind of like it feels like a Leslie Nielsen movie, but uh-huh. You like that kind of style where there's a fucking joke every like 69 seconds. Whoo And it's like very like

physical. Yeah, plus Rashida Jones is hot in OJ. It's like very clumsy. How about Rashida her pants? Oh, that's I like that. Yeah, Rashida bones She shits out bones. Oh, that's cool Whole dog bones. Damn. So I'm gonna eat the skeleton the class skeleton Who was it? Oh, probably Rashida bones That woman that shits out bones. Well, but she's been shitting in her defense. She was shitting bones even before that That's weird. The dogs like bones. Oh, that they like is weird. It's weird on their part to yeah. Why? This is like It's just chewing like goth

Yeah, yeah, they're moody. Yeah No, did you guys ever have to dissect owl pellets in school? Yep. I don't know It's an owl's vomit. It's an owl's vomit that has mice bones mice bones You have to recreate the mouse from the bones. What that's fucked up hair tangled around bones I hated every time we had to dissect anything. I didn't fuck. She was gross We only did the owl pellets and I think a frog. Yeah, we did a 7th grade Actually, you know, we did we did like a little piglet. I think yeah, that she was Oh, that's it was you. No, it wasn't you remind you of you. It was teacher was like, I want everyone to look at stavros

This is what we're does acting. There was a fatter kid than me in the class. No, there wasn't yes There was and there was a girl who looked like a pig. She had like an upturn nose and she was ugly as fuck I So it doesn't even make sense I'm third on the list of who looks the most like a pig in that class. Thank you very much guys I still want you to look at stavros That was also my sexy ass teacher miss warner with the big ass titties. Yeah, did you ever dissect her titties? Did you ever dissect her titties? I wish I would have dissected your titties. I beat off miss war

Um, I was wondering if we maybe could dissect your titties Go to the office. That's my girl georgia, dude Georgia warner. Yeah She sounds hot. She's still teaching. I don't know. I lost I lost if you're out there If you're out there, I tried I couldn't find her. She's a married name now. Yeah. Oh, she's married now. What a bitch Yeah, we could have been like micron. I've been like, yeah, I would have loved that Emmanuel Well, that's my middle name, dude. Is it after manuel mcron? My middle name is danger. Although like I said, I will change

I would be a really gay middle name danger. Like my my middle name is danger. Yeah. It's like, yeah. Yeah, you're a fag. You're probably a pussy. Yeah Oh, you had stupid ironic brooklyn parents. So they named you I feel so bad for those kids. I walk around bedstying. You see like a fucking like Nine-year-old on a razor scooter like flipping his head around. Yeah, and a joy division t-shirt. Yeah. Yeah, right Yeah, man, you're gonna suck. You're gonna suck so much. You will never be fucking cool You're gonna be the just that you're gonna get an accused of rape in college, you know Like you're not you're never gonna be a fucking burnout or you will read back in with your stupid fucking tattoo parents And no dude. Yeah, some of those kids. I think are gonna be cool. None of them

I think the Manhattan kids always look like they're not gonna be cool. Well Manhattan like city kids just end up like Cultured and then like incompetent. No, they've read every book and they can't screw in a fucking light bulb or You know, like order their own food. Some of them can be cool though No, a lot of them like the Manhattan kids get fake ideas when they're like 12 Yeah, they like get exposed to shit real. Yeah, and they fuck and then sometimes you fuck, you know, you fuck them by accident Sometimes yeah, sometimes you can't tell when a girl is 11 years old As a 30 year old man, you're like, I thought she was 16 Sometimes you're at one of new york's famous 14 and over rapes

You know, you assume everyone's around your age. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Like r kelly. It's not my fault. You know, the club didn't check id. It's not my fault. Exactly. I'm in a club. I should you know Oh a suspect arrested in golden state killer case. There's a golden state killer. Yeah. Yeah Who what do you do? Uh, maybe rape didn't murder. Damn The double that's interesting They usually don't catch. Yeah, it's that's cool. Maybe they'll figure out who the zodiac is Nah, dude. Hey, you know who it is

It's fucking Ted Cruz the serial murder and rapist who terrorized California in 70 days Dude, that is so funny It's the dude. Oh my god. It's Ted Cruz. You know what I like is jokes that Gawker came up Who's funny those those those goofballs over at Gawker media They come up with real This is they say the politics are so good. There's no way Ted Cruz is gonna get over. Oh, yeah. How about this minions? Minions are so funny, dude. Imagine the minions saying Ted Cruz that completely Imagine one of the minions he pops up and he's like I can has Ted Cruz

That's comedy that is funny that Ted Cruz wrote that thing in time about how cool Donald Trump is That is Donald Trump is just completely fucked that guy in the ass in every way. He called his wife ugly and his dad killed JFK Donald you are a rat Yeah, Donald, you're a liar. You say something about my wife. You're you're you're really messy. You're pissing me off and I'm I'm sorry, sir Please fuck my wife Donald you can fuck my bitch. I look I forgot maybe you can I forgot about those tweets that he did about Cruz's wife where he's like Hey, uh, hey Ted like, uh, you better be careful. Otherwise, I'm gonna spill the beans on your

God it sucks. He's ruining the world because he's so funny, dude. He rocks dude. I'm pro Trump. I'm gonna vote for him Are you about that? Oh, well, I mean Drum the John old vaginal dough. No and we're Donald isn't that what we decided? And we're Donald's on the n word What was the other thing we did at the live show n-sync, but End star star star Fucking people on instagram saying my speakers are gonna fall off those mouths, bitch I know what the fuck I'm doing not gonna fall off the fucking mounts nice dude never question my fucking way

Why do you know what's gonna happen now? I don't know what the fuck they're talking. You know what's gonna happen now that you're yelling about this You're gonna get less DMs. Yeah talking about how shitty your So guys that doesn't bother Nick Oh, this is gonna fall down suck my fucking dick. Yeah, that's right. Get him queen Yes, Tom go off He just like if you check his replies, there's not a single sincere Just he just takes it

He thinks they're fans I guess some guy DM me a thing where he was like Tom I listen to this around my kid and in there. He was just he was like, yeah, well my comedy is not appropriate screenshot of the parental advisory logo Yeah, he um Yeah, he does the whole in that on that news interview I guess if no one has ever been honest with you your entire career in comedy Yeah, every even the dumbest stupidest open mic or trolls Tom dude. That's how what's crazy about it Yeah, it's so funny too because it's like

How do you know you're not bad? Yeah, you can never know You can never know people with no no no people with an ounce of self-awareness or at least afraid that that's them, right? They don't know if that's them, but they're afraid it's them Tom has absolutely no fear that he could potentially be bad Yes, bro. It's gonna video of him on the local news where yeah, it's a comedy's got you in trouble like before Why do you keep doing it? He's like, oh, well, it's really no different than a firefighter going into a burning No, police officer running to the scene of a crime. Yeah, you know, I guess my job Are you fucking kidding me? There's a direct quote

Pop well, it's my job, and you know, he's practiced It's no different than he emailed them that question It's no different than a firefighter going into a burning building or Police officer running to the scene of a crime Yeah, so you're saying that the fact that you're putting on a comedy show is a horrific tragedy Yeah, addressing it professionally It's some sort of massacre that's happening and you're there to sort of mitigate the damage We got to find a way to finesse him into doing the show now on Sunday

It's no different than a firefighter going into a burning building really Tom. It's no different. No difference There is zero difference between the two of those things. It's just as pressing of a thing You're going on stage and making fun of Paul Revere. It's as important as putting a fire out That's killing people. That's the same thing There's no difference at all between there's no difference. It's not even a metaphor. It's just they're the same thing I Mean it's also not your job. Yeah, you call little Your job is to announce literally

No Yeah It's a different than a waiter spinning in a bucket onion ring. It's my job It's my job Salute to the king. What how much would we have to pay him to do our show five grand won't do it That's the $5,000. I think it's worth it, bro. If we offered him $5,000. I think it's worth just take it out of page Take it out of the picture. I'm already spending that money that what we've got to do is a podcast is Tom Myers and Uwe Boll Yes, we have them both on but we're not even on

I'm talking for an hour. That would be so good. Oh my god Sociological experiment. Yeah, I'm gonna email me and tell him. I'll just pay whatever the fuck if he wants What do you mean? If he wants the $1,300? I mean, or why don't we just go to Vancouver? Go to Vancouver? Let me email those shows Seattle and do a show. Yeah, let's do it. Fuck it. Fucking Nirvana style Yeah, that's so much. That's a better use of our money. Yeah, fuck it. We'll trip to Vanky Yeah, we'll go show. Yeah, Vancouver. Yeah, dude. They got that Cougars. They got that BC Crando British Columbia Weed really? Yeah. Oh, yeah

Stinky, baby, you can suck. I love the BC Crando. That's the government. Fuck me up, dude. I got hardburn now Yeah, it's I'm gonna I've been getting that's art, right? It's pretty good. It is good I mean, I do think that like a sensitive Sort of documentary done about Tom. Yeah, would be we'll be incredible dude a Documentary that's just about Tom Myers and Mike diesel would be great. Oh my I tell you I am so grateful that I started comedy in DC when I did because there were so many unique 100% fucked up. Yeah. Yeah, they were doing comedy there that like no, I've never experienced elsewhere Yeah, you know other people from you know what it was is because it was prior to the comedy boom

Hmm. It was yeah, it was you you don't remember because you weren't Yeah, I mean, yeah, you're right. It was a little more talking about 2005 2006 Oh, come on stand-up comedy was a weird thing from like the 1980s Yeah, it's something that a lot of people were doing there were no podcasts, right? It was not a thing that people got into no you're you're at your entire scene was like me and then like white guys in their late 20s and like comedy and probably at autism and that's like what comedy was yeah, and And and you know before like everybody at you and those guys. Yeah, you were white guys with autism And and and I remember like distinctly like you know people started showing up like years later

I like asked me like how'd you get in comedy like oh, no, I was listening a lot of podcasts after college And I thought maybe this looks fun. I'll try it. Mm-hmm. Whereas like you're right No, that it was like, oh, it's the only thing I've ever wanted. You're absolutely all the people in comedy were obsessed with comedy And they just wanted to do stand-up comedy. Yeah, so that's where you got all those mentally ill people because they were obsessed with comedy They wanted to do comedy, but they were bad at it, right, you know, and that's where you know the tops or whatever You saw a lot of mentally ill people. Yeah, I mean, I am yeah, we all are I mean, but not that like bad mentally ill Yeah, I'm good mentally ill. Yeah, no I'm good at comedy. We're all bad man because I did it long enough to you know, oh, no, you had a skill for it. Well, who cares?

That's not true. I don't have any skill at that in fact. I've never tried. Oh, he's tried it if Werner if we could get Well, now I want to argue If we could get Werner Herzog to go to Baltimore now what we need to do is get Uwe Boll and pretend He's Werner Herzog. That's what we need to do, which was already my plan, but you kind of just ruined it by saying Oh, sorry. I don't want to let that out of the bag. That would have been good. Yeah, he would have been so mad at that Yeah, if we recall them. Oh, I don't know. I don't know anything about Uwe Boll. I don't know What do you I'm sure he seems like he spends a lot of time man It's like, uh, do you know that scene in Grizzly Man where he listens to the guy killed? It's like you must never play this for anybody

We should edit that but he's listening to the boggiest trend You must never you must never listen. Well, I'll tell you what as soon as I publish this within five minutes Shane Vader will have that video Yeah, Shane go go go make that. Yeah Yeah, right would she have a bong hit transplant? You must never listen to this tape It's horrible So look to the king. Yeah, hopefully we see Tom on our trip to Baltimore. I do think he is a fast

He's a fascinating character. I was hilarious. It's like what what was funny shit, too? Yeah, but all those guys tea bread pretending to be in Ireland. Yeah, remember that shit Faked a trip. He was like guys. I'm gonna be going to Ireland For a second he just posted shit from some guy's Flickr He was just like in his house in Arford County I know this guy that got me, too that is on Instagram Dave Schofer. Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, we haven't even talked I got a flat tire. Uh, well those those tires are good for 60 miles Are you with me? Like, okay, let me put it this way. I'm blowing off your show

Sending his little ass dick. Oh, man. We got to have Damn actually maybe in Baltimore the live show will Uncle Dave get Uncle Dave Fuck man, what a beautiful place. Yeah, and even the people that oh man. Yeah, I love Baltimore. Fuck. They were so stupid I love Tommy Tommy Symbazo. Just a fucking magician Looking motherfucker. He grows mushrooms now asking old ladies asking or maybe he doesn't Legally, uh, just asking old ladies if they shave their pussy. That was actually funny though times. Yeah Yeah, but uh, dude, that's that's uh, I love that place. I do think that like

We don't talk about Tom because it's just me and we talk about him because it is he's incredible. He's incredible I think about him so much, dude. I do too. My little brothers. I mean literally we've talked about going to his but like There's no comedian. My brothers want to see more like I remember when I first started doing open mics Then they're like, I'm doing a show. They're like is Tom Myers on it? It was 18 year old. It was always a treat. It was always the funniest fucking thing in the world. It was always the funniest fucking thing in the world It was always the funniest fucking thing in the world was when Tom was on a show that time at EJ's landing When he's going to be sick talking shit about the Orioles. Yeah, two people just happened to leave and he's like, oh, they can't handle it Wanting so bad to be edgy, dude

I mean that show that the Heathen's a comedy show and the Hamilton arts collective is still the best show I've ever seen in my entire life But nothing will be funnier than watching time an hour of Tom Myers start a joke and then fucking Tony Gray sick going Tom Myers Tom Myers and making people chant his name before he can say the punchline And then he says the punchline to just chance at his name and people being like, yeah No idea what's going on He doesn't get it at all Please tell him if you're listening. We want to go on the road with you. We will pay you so well

Boston. Yeah, Baltimore All the major cities we're hitting Vancouver, Seattle. All right. Well, we're out of time. Uh, so that's it Yeah, so anyway the show come to the fucking show on the sixth, please and thanks for coming to funny moms on Monday It was a great one great show and we'll be back. I think the 13th. It is the 14th. Yeah, the 14th of May Bye