The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 101 – fuck shoutengine

Episode Date: May 3, 2018

gotta switch podcast hosts

Well, it suns out, guns out, weather. Are we starting? Okay. Yeah, we're starting. I'm on a tight schedule. I've got to go to the bookstore and buy QuickBooks online for, for, for dummies? No. For dumbasses?

For fucking. For faggots. For people. QuickBooks online for people with downsides, like that's actually just the title. For retards. Yeah. Oh. For mental retards.

Excuse me, where are the, that book series books for people with severe mental disabilities? I'm looking for Shakespeare for people with fetal alcohol. I'm looking for a chicken soup for the retard soul. That's just regular chicken soup. Yeah, I think so. Right. Got him. Yeah.

Fucking asshole. I love soup. Are they still making those books? The dummies books? Yeah, of course. Not the dummies ones. The chicken soup ones. Oh, the book is that poetry?

It's like supposed to make you feel nice or something, but it's supposed to make. I was in the bathroom, but I, I like books for guys with little ass dicks. Oh, that's true. They need fucking bitch ass motherfuckers. That doesn't fit the theme. Representation matters to forget their real pains in life. QuickBooks for those guys. I mean, you're eating yourself to death.

I don't, I don't think, I don't think I'm the one with real pain. No. I have a new lifestyle, man. Yeah. I mean, look, I'm fat because my mom loved me even though I was fat and yours. You work out because your mom hated you when you were fat. My parents. My mom.

Correctly. No. That mocked me to the right extent. My parents were calling me fat this weekend. Yeah. They said your face is fat now. Yeah. Yeah.

Were you like, you have cancer. Of course, you're thinner than me. Slam. You're cheating. You're on chemotherapy. Yeah. I'm supposed to compete with that. Yeah.

He did. Oh, man. Jeff Ross came out. His dad was like, yes. Go off. Go off. Go off. Get a rest.

Good shot. My leash. That's pretty funny. A cancer patient telling you you're fat. It was my, it was more my dad, actually. Yeah. Who is cancer free. He's got cancer of the heart.

The heart. Cancer of the mind. And the cock. Yeah. No, I'm excited to go to the bookstore. Get a little tutorial book. You ever pick one of those up? You think you're going to teach yourself something?

Oh, I love it. It's a new beginning every time. I remember like thumbing through. Like a fur dummies book? Yeah. I remember thumbing through one for like Java. Like 10 years ago. I'm like, I'm an orange Java.

Yeah. And I didn't. And I left the library. But it is fun to imagine yourself as like a guy that learns things. Yeah. Yeah. I was too indignant because it always said for idiots or freaks. Yeah.

I was like, what? Yeah. I'm a smart motherfucker. Mm-hmm. I'll fucking, I don't need to, you know what? I'll figure gardening out myself. Yeah. And then you did.

And then I never do. Yeah. I would love to grow tomatoes. How nice would that be? You grow a little tomato, pick it out of your garden, eat that shit in a salad. I love it. It's very nice. Wouldn't that be great?

Fresh produce straight from the... Mm-hmm. I had a pair today. He did. I love pairs. Are you a pair guy? I love them. Well, it's a spring fruit.

I think a pair's got to be very specific, a very specific texture. I like a firm and cold pair. No. Boo firm. I like soft. I like fruit cold. I'm with you. I don't think that's a hot take.

Bro, I had a fucking orange. Cold apple. I had an orange that popped in the damn freezer. It was like a little popsicle, dude. Dude. I'm also big on fucking frozen motherfucking grapes. Yeah. You're fucked with those.

Those are definitely little popsicles. Mm-hmm. You know what I did? Have sex with a man? I took a... After I had sex with a man, I took a... Do you peel the grapes before you freeze them? No, no, no.

I might make them better. It's an incredible big dickery. Yeah. To sit there and peel every fucking grape. Is it razor blade? Just get a little of that skin off? Damn. Yeah.

I wouldn't do that. I would respect that a lot. Make a little freezer treat. Let go bad in there because I appreciate my craftsmanship. Yeah. I don't want to fuck with it. Yeah. I've been getting into the grapefruit trick.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, but it's been clementines for me. Yeah. That's good. I was going to say, back when we were talking about the dummies thing, I had an idea. I want to do like an off-Broadway play. Yeah. And it's called Of Men and Mice.

And it's a movie where... Or it's a play where everyone is retarded. Except for one guy. Except for one guy. Yeah. He's normal. That must be how you feel all the time, right? As a genius.

Yeah. He's a guy who's actually... He's neuro-atypical. So he's smarter. So he's technically smarter than everyone else. In the land of retards. They're like, George, did you kill all those puppies? And he's like...

Yes, but I found a more efficient way to make the tractor run. So none of us have jobs. Wait, he sounds also retarded. Well, he's... He's... He's neuro-atypical. Yes, I designed... Is that the thing you word for autistic?

It's not the new word. It's what... It's neuro-atypical. No, it is the new word. I saw him pitchfork there. Is that what it was called? Yeah. Adam goes to bitchfork.

Bitchfork. It's where he learns what kind of bitch-ass foods he eats. Yeah. That's just... It's a fork with... Then it's just a fork going into Adam's ass. Yeah. That's the bitchfork.

That's cool. That would hurt. Yeah. So we listen to Make American. And Nate again. I'm so jealous. Yeah. I wasn't...

You can listen to it at any time. It's about the experience. It really needs like a deep read. It needs to be... I might write a review of the album. I tried to get us to do... I would try to get us to do that for the last one, remember? Yeah.

But there was like legal problems. Like we're probably stealing his content. Yeah. It's also... I guess at this point I've blown up Tom's spot. Yeah. That it's like... All right.

It's too late now. I might as well talk about him. Can we do his bonus episode? A track by track? Yeah. Like... What we were doing was like... You have to unpack every joke.

So you got to pause it. Every conversation about it. Every single thing he says is... Yeah. It opens up with... Hello, Havard-a-Grace. Which is a... It's a random...

Nobody knows what that is. Yeah. That is a random city in Maryland. Not city. That is a random... It's a town with a population of probably like 7,000. It's a place. Yeah.

Like Bel Air is their downtown. Yeah, yeah. Bel Air, Maryland. It's just a place. The only thing I know about Havard-a-Grace is that that's the place where they bottle Pepsi products. Nice. That was this thing.

Okay. I knew as a kid about... It was like a piece of... Yeah. All the Pepsi is bottled in Maryland, but it's probably done regionally anyway. Yeah. But I remember thinking that was like... Yeah.

Like cool, you know. There used to be a horrible show there. Like some roundabout way. Of course. That made me famous because I lived in the same state as the place where... Where they bottle Pepsi? They bottle Pepsi. And you couldn't even use that unless you were out of state, by the way.

Right. You'd have to go to like Pennsylvania and be like... Yeah, yeah. By the way. I'm from Maryland. Pepsi ring about? Yeah. Get business.

By the way, where you lived was two and a half hours away. Probably. Yeah. Opposite side of the state. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyways. Hello, Havardie Grace. Yeah.

Hello, Havardie Grace. And then... Havardie Grace. Grace. He uses that. It goes into a bit about... After... Hello, Havardie Grace, about how he's old now.

He's 35. He's not old. That's not an old age. And how he... He looks old. That's not how he needs to wear. He's way longer at the urinal because he pisses his pants. He was trying to go into like a...

My body's getting worse a bit. But it was just a... Oh, no. He was trying to say it because of age, but it's no. It's just because you... Have a horrible body. You don't know how to... You defecate and urinate your pants.

You don't know how to just wag your dick after pissing. He's like, I got to wait for all the dribbles and... Four-year-old knows how to do. Yeah, you've heard that. Holy fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Anyways.

Yeah. And then he says, you know, he's like... He shits himself. That's also a problem. And then he says... Awesome. Yeah. If you don't like that stuff, buckle up.

I love that. As if he's... He's on the... You're on the highway to the danger zone. Yeah. Is this a quick reminder? Is there a difference between that and a firefighter running into... Or a 9-11 first responder?

It's the same exact thing. It's his job. Yeah. It's his job. And he's his own boss. Yeah. You know? That's what the good part about him.

Yeah. And then... Here, let me pull up the track listing now because there's... I took mental notes with the... Damn. There's a... I'm so fucking jealous. Current events, I think, was one of them.

Oh, yeah. And he couldn't eat... The references are also incredible. Like, his reference pool is 1993 to 2003. Fuck yeah, dude. And he can't... Yeah, I wonder what Tamar's listens to. Like, what do you think he just kicks back?

Kind of music? Yeah. Whatever music fucking Bill Hicks mentioned. So, it's like... You know, he probably listens to Hendrix. Or, you know, like... You know, the Rolling Stones, man. Now, there's a band.

What do you think he really enjoys, though? Blind Melon. All 90s stuff, probably. That's really... I doubt it. I think I'm right in the things that I said. I think he puts that on. But what you're talking about is correct.

He definitely forces himself to listen to that. But do you think he likes... Yeah, he probably is. There's a bit called Life Hacks on the album. And there's not a single Life Hacks. It's about Christmas. Oh, yeah. That Christmas thread was insane.

Yeah. Woo! He was talking about how people fuck on the tree. Mm-hmm. I do Las Vegas a lot. He does Las Vegas a lot, and they always send him out there. Yes. And he makes a point of mentioning his booking agent several times throughout the album.

So he's worked in... Oh, my God. He just doesn't have that. No. Beyond Bus, but I'm sure it's like Irwin. It's not a booking agent, man. It's a second email. He books himself, dude.

But he books his own tour. He talks a lot about his girlfriend. Oh, really? That is real. He's never had a girlfriend. And about his ex-girlfriend, who he's like... Yeah. Oh, Chick-fil-A has got a new holiday they're starting.

It's called Cow Day. Cow Appreciation Day is my ex-girlfriend's birthday. I celebrate it on October 4th, because that's my ex-girlfriend's birthday. So wait, you celebrate it even though it's Chick-fil-A? Yeah, yeah. No, the most insane bit on the... Because there's moments in there where the joke structure makes sense. And so it's not that the problem isn't that Tom doesn't know how to write jokes.

He knows how to write jokes. The problem is that Tom can't discern which of his thoughts are jokes and which are the ones of his cognitive failure to process reality. He's so severely schizophrenic that he thinks things and sometimes they're jokes and he writes them down and sometimes it's just absolute nonsense. Oh, man. And I think that's what makes it great art. There's a bit on the album where he's talking about...

Donald Trump's got a son, believe it or not, and he's so young that I guarantee you Donald Trump's thinking as at the moment of conception, oh, jeez, I don't know if this is going to kill me, implication being that Donald Trump's so old that he might have a heart attack ejaculating inside of a woman to create a kid. Not the regular fucking he's doing now, ten years later, that we're hearing about in the news all the time. Anyways, so then he goes into the bit more and he's saying, you know, part of me doesn't even believe that Melania and Donald, like Donald fucks Melania.

In fact, do you know those rings that they have that spies would wear that have poison inside of them? I bet Melania has one of those rings, but it's just filled with Donald Trump's sperm. And at the moment of conception, she popped it open and was like, go. Oh, my God. Because Tom thinks you eat cum to get pregnant. But also... Everything about that.

What? Donald Trump says... Donald Trump's fucking her and then his cum goes into the ring so he can't come in her and then she eats the cum, but then she's still had the kid anyway. Yeah. How did she get the cum in the first place? Also, the spy ring? Yeah.

That's the thing that you're talking about. It's like an idea that an eight-year-old comes up with. Damn, dude. And then he keeps going on the Baron thread. He says that Baron's going to be the first kid to jack off to Internet porn in the White House. But for legal reasons, I should say that Donald's probably going to be getting impeached before then.

And it's like, what laws? What laws are you breaking? Is Donald Trump going to sue you? Do you have to correct it by saying that he's probably going to get impeached? No, you misinterpreted the wording. What he said was, yeah, but I'm pretty sure Donald's going to get impeached by then for legal reasons, which means he meant Donald Trump is going to be kicked out of office not for fucking his own son.

Right, right. Allowing his son to jerk off or something. When he says, for legal reasons, he meant that Donald Trump will be acting legally when he is impeached, which is not how impeachment works. It's a failure of him to, he somehow found a way to say, for legal reasons, and mean the wrong thing. I thought what he was saying was that his words are such weapons, so dangerous, that Donald Trump will hear make America and Nate again and then file suit.

Yeah, I mean, just that going back to the title of the album. Yeah. Yeah. Tommy. Bumbaye. Tommy. Bumbaye. There's people that ask them, they're like, do you know what innate means?

And I'll post the definition and be like, of course, I know what it means, and it still doesn't make any sense. It has nothing to do with the album. So it's like he, he, I mean, it doesn't make sense as a sentence. Yeah. Yeah. He rules. Yeah.

He rocks, man. Make America innate to what? Again, brother. Yeah. Come on. Keep up. Like it used to be. Yeah.

But yeah. And then the obviously the weirdest part was that by track six, he started using an Irish accent. Yeah. And halfway through the politics track. Incredible. He also, another thing I do love about the Donald Trump stuff, as soon as he brings up Trump, he's like, Donald Trump is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

It kind of makes me think about how George W. Bush, he has to go back to 2003. It's no matter what, he can't, at one point he just, he describes people having sex and he's like, makes you wonder if they just, you know, we're like Philip Seymour Hoffman and whoever the bitch was and blah, blah, blah, blah, before the devil knows he's dead. What? Back to the movie? He picks. Yeah.

And he's describing what is just a, like probably could not be any more of like just generic. Yes. Similar sex. It's just two people. From a movie. Fucking. Yeah. And it could not be any more plainly that.

Yeah. You could pick any sex scene from any movie ever and he uses specifically that sex scene from before the devil knows you're dead. From 2004. Just like a minor Philip Seymour Hoffman movie that I only know about because I worked a blockbuster at the time. That's the only reason. It's not a bad movie.

It's yeah. It's not bad. But it's bizarre that he would choose that. Yeah. Man, Tommy. Yeah. And then it starts at a certain point, like halfway through that politics, but he's like, and then Martin O'Malley ran.

And then, you know, we wondered why he was running and he didn't do anything for the Democratic Party and he just has like this Irish inflection. Probably because he said O'Malley. Because in his brain. No, it happens before that. No, it's before O'Malley. And then it just eventually morphed into this like, I mean, it's just a full blown Irish accent that just slowly happens.

It's almost like. It makes no sense. He's probably confused, too. He's also he's got he's schizophrenic. The interaction with the crowd is also amazing because they're given him laughs at the beginning, you know, and then like they're listening to an hour of time. So like halfway through, you could tell that they've just been like, oh, fuck this. Yeah.

And then like people says he says one thing one time and a guy goes, hey, oh, that gets put on the album. That doesn't get out. One point he says something about he's like, yeah, it almost makes me want to fuck her like describing some woman and some guy goes, really? Woo. Yeah. God damn.

I think it was a really enjoyable lesson. Yeah. I'm fascinated. I'm definitely going to give it a fucking whirl myself and fun. Yeah. It's better than most comedy specials. Just like doesn't mean it's better. Like guys go out and buy make America by the CD.

Yeah. Yeah. My CDs out. It's on Apple music for free. All of it. It is. Okay. Yeah.

He's on Spotify. Well, he'll get paid like one cent, right? Yeah. Now I'm looking at his other album, Pitchforks, torches and other random thoughts. That's the one we were at. Right. Oh, is it? I think so.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess I guess he's a bit that just says called Maryland. Yeah. I don't mind speed cameras. If a regular cop pulls you over, you write you a ticket. The ticket's like what 125 up to 200 bucks now for a ticket. I love it.

You go ahead and you get the speed camera citations in the mail. What's the fine? 40 bucks. I love it. Man, getting one of those speed camera citations in the mail is like getting pulled over by Sam's Club. I love it. Good.

You nailed the point of the joke. In case you didn't get it. In case you didn't get that, he went ahead and nailed the point. It's like, that means it's a discount. My favorite part about that Tom is being there at the recording was Tom's fans because he does have fans. Really? No.

But there's people that come to see specifically Tom. There's some big fat guy there who was just wide. He had long hair and he was just the widest person. Oh, yeah. He was sitting right up front. Yeah. He was wearing like a witch's hat. Yeah.

He wasn't like, I mean, he was fat, but he was just so wide. Yeah. It was hard to explain his like shoulders are probably like four and a half feet long. Yeah. On either side. He was a very large man. Yeah. I know what you mean.

Yeah. Fuck dude. I love that night. Seriously. He's one of the best nights in my life. Yeah. Eldest, my little brother. We all filed in.

We listen to it sometimes. You can hear us. Like you can hear. I feel like I haggled him a nice amount. I want to hear. I want to hear the bit where he says his parents have a grave. The grave. That's wild shit, man.

I want to go ahead and thank you guys for coming out on a Tuesday night. It's free. But, you know, to go ahead and to go ahead and attend this, this CD recording. So I'm really appreciative of that. I'm also doing this for, for my parents. They're a big part of my life. They couldn't, they couldn't be here tonight because, you know, they're old. They get tired easily.

So no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So the best thing I do is I carry a, I carry a smartphone around now. It's, which is great. It's got their picture on them. So I actually, I finally got this, I finally caved and got a smartphone. So I'm being, I've been dragged kicking and screaming into the year 2007. So. Okay, so people are going to tap.

I love this because it's got the GPS on it. But the GPS, it's for some reason, like this is supposed to be one of the most technologically advanced things. Like we have the internet on our phones now. We can connect to any single bit of information we want. We can go ahead and watch entire television shows on our phone. Like as they're, even as they're being aired on regular television live. Can we come up with a GPS that doesn't sound like an eight year old reading something like

you had 95 south and turn onto exit 77 to route 24. This just goes on like that for 45 minutes. No, which is, it is fascinating because on the new CD, make America a native. Yes. He has a GPS voice bit. And he said that. I mean, all of his, I mean, I've known Tom 13 years. Yeah, it's been an insanely long time.

And every one of his albums. Maryland drivers. The same exact thing. It's all, it's always something about commuting in the DC Maryland area. This big thing used to be like, they got these signs that say speed monitored by aircraft. Oh yeah. Yeah. I remember that bit.

That just makes me imagine. I'll be driving out in the street and then suddenly an F 14 will swoop down and it's like, what? I mean, okay. Yeah, that was a big one. Who did he want to have as the GPS voice in the last? He said, he said, I saw an article that said Morgan Freeman is going to be the voice of the GPS.

The voice of the GPS. No one has GPS anymore. I heard that Morgan Freeman is going to be sponsoring a beeper company. Yeah. I wonder how that'll work. Hey everybody, it's me, Morgan Freeman. Who wants a beeper? Wait, what was the voice he wanted though?

He wanted Samuel Jackson to be the voice. Oh, yes. That's right. I'm tired of these motherfucking cars on this motherfucking road. Yes. Buckets. The king brother. Swish.

Yeah. Tom, listen to me. $10,000 cash. You come on to come down. Please. We'll give you our entire month's pension. No, it's like a crazy. You can have all the money.

That is $10,000. Yeah. That's what that's what. No, but whatever. As a group, 10,000. Look, listen, Tom, whatever it's going to take. We got to get on here. Yeah.

I guess he turned on Legion of Skanks. Did he? He was going to do it. Him and Lewis are beefing. Yeah. Him and Lewis are beefing, which is such a funny. There's two worlds. Clash of the Titans.

Two mental giants. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's like Chomsky and what's the thing? It's the Buckley, the other gay guy debate. A ball. Yeah. Yeah.

When he called him a crypto Nazi and he said he called him a gay. A quare. God damn quare. Yeah. Yeah. All right. A sake. These are all references that Tom will make on his name.

For sure. His firing line episodes from 1967. He had another really good 90s reference, which was something about it. His cat's hair. His cat's hair is like, yeah, it looks like Jenny McCarthy's underwear. Awesome. Yeah. Yeah.

From singled out. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I like a girl like a real Raquel Welch. That's the thing I'm into. It's real Tara Lipinski. Tara Lipinski. You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, dude. Just Tom. Yeah. This girl walks in. She looks just like Alicia Silverstone. Tommy. Yeah. I love that motherfucker, dude.

Damn. So he was going to do Legion of Skanks. He's going to do Legion of Skanks. Gangfest, right? He's like, Lewis was like, dude, we can have you on the week after Skanks Fest. And then Tom's like, yeah, I might be able to make it up there. Pending acceptance like wink, wink. So he will only do Legion of Skanks if he gets booked for Skank Fest.

Well, they should book him. I know. That's what I said. Why not? Well, Lewis was like, it's not just me, dude. I got partners. Incredible. Lewis, shut the fuck up.

Bossialism coffee. Yeah. Yeah. Also, like, book of, it would be incredible. Yeah. You need to book Tom. How the fuck? Like, I can't believe Tom doesn't realize he's basically getting tricked.

In the world of irony, like, this is Tom's moment. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Tom could be making so much fucking money. I know. Tom could be a celebrity if he wanted to. I know. It is great, like, anti-comedy.

So, Thomas has died, or, Thomas, I, I merged that. Thomas, Thomas Jay Gomez? Yeah, Thomas Jay Gomez. So, Lewis has too much fucking, like, pride. Pride. He's got to protect Skank Fest. The integrity of Skank Fest. Yeah, I guess he's just got, like, a limited number of spots or whatever.

Give him our spots. Give him our spots. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'd be down for that. We could cancel. Give him our 300 dollars. Yeah.

Let him do, let him do an hour. Give him, that's come down. Is us watching Tom do an hour. Holy fuck. Yeah. I still didn't hear that bit on there where he says his parents have, because I remember that happening at the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'm like, did I imagine that? He told a bizarre bit about. He probably edited it out. I don't think he did. Because I remember what it being is that, like, he's like, yeah, I thought my parents were going to give me a GPS. For Christmas. To the GPS.

And instead. Maybe he goes into that afterwards. Yeah. Well, he's like, instead they got me a plot right next to their graves. God. And it was the most, it's like the, the, the energy. The only way that could be worse is if his plot was in between theirs. Yeah.

You know, like how they sleep at night. Fuck, what was I going to say? Yeah. That was a fucking bizarre, that was bizarre bit. When he just fucking, it was like so, it was the most powerful thing he'd ever said in his life. And he got the most genuine, incredible reaction from the crowd. Yeah.

And it was just like, there's no way he ended up. Yeah, I thought I had. He left. No, no, he definitely did not. He left when I dropped a glass into the recording. Do you remember that? He just, that's in there. So.

I just remember Mike Turpin stamping his feet. Yeah. Every bit. I thought that was going to just fuck everything up. I remember thinking that was like kind of too far. Yeah. But. In point five miles.

Make a left onto. South main street. And that's how you get the Sean ball. It's the end. Like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's my brother for sure. You know, I mentioned my parents earlier. Yes. Here we go. Perform a lot of times. They always, you know, they always enjoyed themselves and. They enjoy. You know, they're not.

On the last and the most recent one, he's like, yeah, my parents don't really like to talk about my comedy or listen to me talk about it. They didn't really come out to see shows. So I guess they had some kind of talk where they were like, Tom, you're 35 years old. You just at least try to be the manager of the 711. No, it's a message. Stop taking orders from a 23 year old Bangladeshi guy. It's time to give up your comedy dreams.

Ron Bender doesn't have legs. This is booking. The next one. Ron is an iron lung. I think we're getting in the grave. By any means of the word, I mean, they appreciate what I'm doing, like all the sacrifices that I make to go ahead and be able to do what I'm going to do and have a good time doing it.

And so I'll sit down with them at dinner and we'll go ahead and talk and I'll go ahead and say to my parents, listen, I love when you support me. I love when you come out and you don't have to think I'm the funniest person in the world. And also, unless it's clear, he lives with his parents. I mean, that couldn't be more obvious. When we sit down at dinner together, we still have family dinners. I mean, it's a tragedy. It's a fucking trash.

It's so sad. You know, they both just looked at me and went, we don't. So sad. Thanks, mom and dad. I was both of them. Both of them were sad. Jesus Christ. But like I said, I just turned 30 and my parents decided to go ahead and take me out to dinner.

It was after the dinner. My father decided to show me this gift he had gotten for me. I was like, this is you're going to thank me. This will be a long, this will be a long, this will be a good investment for me and you'll really appreciate this. So I'm like, okay, well, you know, we've all got to get in the car and go see it. So we're all in the car. We're driving, driving.

I know this. We're driving a while. We go ahead and we pull into a cemetery. Like I'd remember going to this cemetery before we went ahead and pulled up to this little plot and we all got out. We're looking over. I'm just sort of looking around where we going and my dad stops and says, all right, here you go.

I'm looking around. It's a little bit dark. I don't see anything. Like what? It gets out of flashlight and shines it. And I suddenly remembered where I was. Like this is, I've been to the cemetery plot many times before. So my dad's grandparents are there.

My dad's parents are there. He's got his, he's going to be buried there. He's got a tombstone set up. It's got his name on it. It's got his name, his stuff on it. And right in front of that, a tombstone. My name, my date of birth and that nice, big, empty space for you know what. Dad, I asked for a GPS.

That sounded like an adult, you know, I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, dude. Honestly, though, when he said that nice blank space, that was like, that's powerful, dude. That was like, yeah, that had some, that had some legs. He thought the punchline strong enough to counter all that. But he didn't ask for GPS. He just thought one that doesn't have a kid's voice would be a great callback to his killer GPS. Bro, I remember feeling fucked up after listening to that. Well, I was trash.

So I was like, oh, I probably made that up. Yeah, yeah. I didn't think it was real. It was real. Yeah, it was like a vision. Yeah. God damn. What if Tom's trying to tell us that he's a ghost and that he's dead?

Yeah, that's not what Tom is trying to tell us. No, I think it'd be great if his dad just like son, I got you a present and just killed him and buried him in the cemetery. It's finally over, son. Yeah, yeah. Open your mouth and just put some gun in his mouth. Dad, I wonder what his parents are like, you know, because based on his descriptions, they're obviously like upset. Yeah, they just fucking normal parents who have a fucked up child like a dumb ass kid who didn't do what they wanted at all. No, because people are usually like their parents.

I mean, like, I can't imagine that his dad's not like a fucking train enthusiast or some bullshit. I mean, yeah. Yeah, his parents are probably dorks. Yeah. Yeah. With a dork kid. Right. And you know, they love him.

They do love him. Of course they. I mean, they let him stay at the house. They haven't kicked him out. Right. Yeah. They got him a plot next to them. They actually do love him.

They love him too much. They adore him. Yeah. Yeah. That's sweet. It is like, it's sort of like, do you remember when you learned about that myth of the guy with the boulder? Sisyphus? Yeah, Sisyphus.

It's like, that's who Tom is. Like every joke is just, he's trying to get to the top. No, man. And then it just falls back down. It's just that this was constantly getting rolled over downhill in eternity. Yeah. There's no going back up. He's constantly getting crushed by the boulder.

Well, the point is to get to the top of the hill and then he. He never gets to the top of the hill. He never gets to the top of the hill. Right. It would be like if Sisyphus was like, I'm going to be a professional rock pusher up a hill guy. And then he didn't even find a rock. It was just a giant turd filled with references from the 1990s. Just rolls with his hand.

And then at one time in the mid 2000s, the turd nudges him into the studios of 98 Rock. And then that's the end of the story. That's the peak for him. God damn. And then he goes back down the hill. Yeah. Oh God. Well, anyways, it's break time.

Jesus. You know what break time means? It's time to talk about underwear, folks. Hell yeah. What are you wearing right now? Throw them out. We've got a brand new underwear company here for you. Mack Weldon.

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Yeah, nice. Sure. Yeah. I feel like they bring out the veins in your cock. It's like, yeah. It's a good balance in between, like, you know, because you know, you get like pee stains in your underwear. Yeah.

When you turn 30. Of course. Because you can't shake. Everyone. Yeah. So the blue covers that up real nice. And shit. Yeah.

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Hell, yeah, dude. Folks. NBA playoffs, bitch. There's a lot of shit to talk about before. All I've been doing is watching basketball. There's a lot of stuff to talk about before we mentioned that part of what you've been doing lately. Bet the SI is the website, specifically.

Yes, we should say the website. The place I'm gambling. Wait until I say the name of the place. Before you go into your sports picks. We got picks, me and Si. You'll say the fucking picks and then we'll just. No, actually you should say your picks. I'll say, you know how it's my pick.

You for being off the show in the next month. Why? Over under Adams on the next show. 0.5. Bet the under, folks. How do you under that? Bet the SI has been in business for over 20 years. Paying winners, I'd say.

Easy to use mobile playing interface. You play when you get paid. Bet the SI offers odds on pretty much everything else, too. Including all major sports events, politics, reality TV. Pretty much anything. So including that Adam thing I just said. You got a great mobile app. Easy to use from anywhere.

You know, home on the go, having casual sex. Live in-game wagering. Make plays throughout the entire game and events. And this makes watching sports events way more fun. It is more fun. So here we go. Go ahead with your playoff. Baby, take the fuck it.

Look, game three. Take the pelicans at home. They're not, they're going to get gentlemen swept. They're going to take one. What's the line? I don't know. I don't know. The line is just taking a line on there.

They take it. They're going to be dogs. Take the pelicans. I take the pelis. They play fucking tell. At the smoothie king center. At the smoothie king center, baby. Yeah.

And then. Best name for a stadium in America. And then fuck. Who else? The calves. I think the calves are going to win. Game two. The Raptors.

I gave two. They're going to win. Yeah. I'd take raps in game two. But I think take the calves in the series. Skip Bayless. The calves are going to sweep. So you should probably just listen to him.

Anyway. Bet. Use bet DSI. What's the. What's the code they should do, Nick? Oh, Kentucky Derby. Oh, Kentucky. I'll put it all.

I would all put it all on. She's going to get raped. Yeah. She's a. Wasn't there a horse named. Spanish. Yeah. She's got a blog.

Yeah. It's probably. Shouldn't you be wearing gloves doctor? That's a good one. Yeah. Be gloves doctor. Cosby's secret. All the way from Lancaster, PA.

Beautiful. Those are our picks for the Kentucky Derby. Extra chromosome. Yeah. That's a. Yeah. It's a strong horse. It's very strong.

Super strong. Which way to run. I'm going to say. Usually I have to probably just get it backwards. But yeah. It also gets dragged. Instead of a carrot. They use it.

A little sour patch. Chases around. Twigs. Also. Oh boy. Get to the end of race. Yeah. They got a tape.

It's huge. Cock too. Too much drag. Because it's a horse. And. The biggest dick of all time. It's the biggest thing ever. Anyways.

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And if you're wondering what lowercase 5 is. That's your copy. My dick. Yeah. A lowercase 5. Okay. If the bet is. And we're back.

And shut up. And we're back. I'm just saying. If the bet is. Shut up. And we're back. It has nothing to do. And we're back.

We're back. I'm just saying. Tom bottom. And we're not. We're playing. I'm going to go gym. Yeah, dude, that's what we're taking a break. Kick in.

In. One. Miles. white fiddle you have reached your destination. Give it up. you have reached your destination give it up was that it was at the end that's how he ended the what is that Kansas this is a different Tom Myers it has music he has dust in the wind playing this is

that's a different Tom ours but I guess I do Las Vegas a lot and they always people often ask me where I get my sense of humor I have a lot so I grew up in Hartford County it's a you know a lot of audiences whatever the comedy shows they're always worried about comedians and entertainers going up in trunk bashing which is why you know I'm gonna try and save something but a lot of people ask me how I got started doing comedy I love studying history but I am happy to be back in Maryland Maryland's my home state this is my hometown really glad to be happy to be back this isn't a soundboard this is just how all is

tracks are every single Maryland but anyway yeah I do want to hear interesting job because I think that's about 7-11 all right let's do it a lot of people ask me how I got started doing comedy I actually had an opportunity to go do something where I had the potential anyway to go do something where I could make a lot more money than what I'm doing right now that's to be a famous movie star that was his other job choice if comedy didn't work out he was gonna do famous movie star and international playboy spy yeah guys these were other careers he considered that he could have easily achieved what was Adam was a

thing you said about generous oh oh dude that was the best part he's like that's the best yeah I got to get my haircut because but I don't want to get it cut too short though because people are gonna start thinking I look like Ellen degenerous and he is a bald man he's bald we have a chairman Mao he starts at the back of your earlobes look anything like Ellen degenerate those beautiful twinkly blue eyes right and that cute pixie cut yeah yeah that's that I think might be my favorite that's the one we laugh and I guess he's sort of she's trying to mock Ellen is she the butt of that no it's cuz everybody does that

joke about I got my hair color like a lesbian yeah which works if you have like boyish features yeah I I have like a I get lesbian haircuts all the time yeah I got a very Katie Lang sort of look yeah yeah yeah you shave your pussy too no does Katie Lane shape or pussy you fucking idiot I had one I wouldn't yeah you do I wouldn't your pussy is the first of all I don't space in between your balls first of all I could tie my dick around your dick mother I'm gonna tie my fucking serious I'm gonna tie it around your dick and cut off the circulation I'm gonna tie a big fat bowline not around your cock with my cock

yeah and choke your little not do that cock to do not fucking do like a fucking anaconda or a Boris yeah eating a pig yes that's right my dick is a pig yeah well my little oinky shit hey you scale it down the regular dick size is the pigs terrible no the pig is not the one you want pigs big imagine a little pig it's a really big pig it's one of those big boy Christmas ornament I went to a I went to a little Oshkosh no it is not it's not a teacup pig it is a very big pig a big big pig I want a hog yeah yes it is I went to a pig farm once and they were really big and that's the size is a hog a boy pig

I don't know all right what's a woman pig then south yeah damn y'all y'all don't know animals I didn't spend time on the farm like you dude y'all ain't done no names I've done no and all the animals you ever see fucking you're gonna like ag fare and see how fucking big pigs are in real life and they're hairier than you think yeah they're way hairier yeah they look like horse hair yeah like my dick that video that news reporter holding that chicken that starts flapping its wings and he's like oh my god that's Adam's dad

it's not like if you want to know what he looks like I am happy to be back in Maryland oh yeah I'm happy to be back in Maryland though Maryland from where where were you Vegas dude he told you right he said they they fly him out to Vegas all the time yeah you know they the casino boss Tom just come do the show baby Tom please please do I got to start listening to the politipod he has a podcast yeah the politipod I haven't listened to it yet what the fuck are we doing I know we need to do fuck yeah oh that he posted he posted a poll on Twitter yesterday's like yeah who did a better job of viscerating Sarah Huckabee

Sanders Michelle Wolfe at the White House Correspondence Center or me Tom Myers on my cd me the poll saying who did a better job or me he does have a Sarah Huckabee Sanders chunk that is yeah and then and then somebody responded like well that's not a fair comparison because Michelle Wolfe is a comedian and Tom the guy's avatar is just an up close picture of his eye and Tom responds yeah nice avatar just ran into your twin and he posts the CBS logo second eye it's also an eye that's that's it yeah another thing I love it it reminds me

that I don't know if you've seen that vine but that like nerd in the computer room oh yeah I love that he turns around he's like you know what I'm gonna say it they're like say it just say it I don't care that you broke your elbow I don't care that you broke your you know what else Tom does that I think is great he calls people Gomer which is like I don't even know what that it's like Louis J. Gomer Gomer Gomer yeah dude he fucking he's like he's going at with Louis he like retweeted where Louis was like the illustrator for our festival you had to drop out last minute and Tom like gleefully retweeted that's

hilarious sweet damn he should he shouldn't fucking book him anyway yeah Louis please do it anyway Tom Myers and your musical guest Tom Myers from that thank girl with the saw in that video playing the playing the the saw mmm that's such a weird that's anyway it's the greatest video of all time I just can't stop looking at his hairline yeah it looks like a love-seat he's got so much like a big restaurant booth I love the artwork too the he makes the word America in red white and blue oh yeah he's like clip our power point yeah now I think it's probably from word from word it's like that shit that yeah

where you can like do it great yeah yeah yeah yeah dude I used to think that shit was awesome yeah it's gonna be do bubble letters for reports and so fuck yeah I used to go off the type my title pages used to look beautiful dude you take pride in my cover pages yeah I mean what was it what's the thing in school you were the most proud of doing ever Nick do you have one assignment you're like you know what I did it no never you never won no she was so is like was there ever a teacher that ever connected to you that you along with teachers I think for the most part yeah cuz I mean I knew I wasn't stupid right I wasn't

gonna do any work they probably were like amused by you because they knew who you were yeah teachers know a funny kid that doesn't give a fuck like a smart kid who's just not gonna do shit sure yeah yeah yeah yeah I don't really ever cause too much trouble right you probably understood how to stay under the radar under the gate are under the gate are having a sex you can have sex on the DL you can do whatever be about you but nobody in your family that's like holding like a fucking giant double-sided dildo is like this is a comb for your hair where'd you get that I don't know the glob that that queer

lobster gave it to me look at this she's got a collection of dildos on the DL you can do whatever you want you can eat us you can suck dick but I'm a gay guy but I suck my dick yeah that's a fun bit what were you about to say Adam about school or something shit we cut you off with under the DL no it was better than whatever suck some life out of it whatever boring thing you have to say I said I say interesting things all the time yeah go ahead we're not going to I'm feeling deja vu I feel like we've had this exactly me me asking you to suck no no to suck a dick out of that he says

interesting things all the time oh yeah I do all the time name one yeah you repeat you're constantly telling me that's interesting you repeat yes you do that's one of the things you say most of me actually when I say that's interesting what it means is I didn't listen to a word and I don't know how to respond and so well if you say that to you all the time that's on my fault that you're bad folks we're gonna take a minute to talk about checks mix and the money that the checks mix corporation is raising for children with breast cancer juicy baby yep a lot of people don't know this but some babies are born

with a huge sweet double D titties well that may be good because it hurts the mom's pussy more and they can breastfeed themselves the problem is is some of those big sweet cans get all tumored up that's why you got to do breast checks with those little kids that's where checks mix comes in folks yeah checks came with you come with a checks checks quest it was a doom clone that came in C Rom really really yeah yeah did it play metal in the background no it wasn't like doom that rule yeah sweet soundtrack yeah it's all like it was like royalty free yeah when I worked at a motion show we had to like pull music from like the

Viacom royalty free music library mm-hmm you could just put in like any song and it would spit out like a fake version of it that sort of sounds yeah you know like it but it's different enough yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's awesome we should get that we should then CBS or Viacom music library yeah I'm trying to put me on fire you a fucking pyro dog I love you a fucking pyro and fucking lighter tricks and shit I was never a pyro yeah I wasn't you definitely were no you weren't not at all you broke stuff though yeah I mean everybody breaks that's throwing a glass throwing a beer bottle against the wall

fucking rules it's awesome I would do that right now yeah I love breaking shit fuck can I can I break some stuff at your side what do you want to break I did love that when I was like in like sixth grade you take like cardboard boxes or whatever you throw them up and then you just cut them in half with the kitchen knives yeah that was always cool I want a sharp ass stabbing the fruit in the house my mom's like what the fuck happened cutco guy cutco did you know people that were cutco yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that was a that was a hustle I know I knew a couple of quick-star guys too what's that the

friend and Tron is like describing it to me one time he's a black robot yeah well he's like and he's like yeah he's like basically I'm a independent business owner which is what like that fucking they tell yeah cutco kids use to say well that's what they call it an independent business owner with quick stars quick stars amway so what they do is you set you up like an independent business and it used to be that online retail was banned because it breaks the pyramid scheme but then you have a company and you have to get people like buy shit out of this fucking catalog and you like hold inventory their shitty

products and you have to like buy their shitty products and then sucks yeah it's stupid it's honestly that shit is so fucking depressing like anytime I was like really desperate for work and I would go on Craigslist and I would find like sales positions and I would go to the interview and it was always like a scam level marketing and the people that were there like taking notes it's like oh fuck oh when you see the person it's like yeah can I go but oh so the extra class is $300 for a tutoring can I just go back and cash in my mother's life insurance I'm just really excited to work on a team yeah yeah yeah I'm gonna get

the feelings in my mouth taken out and melted down in the gold I went to this one interview one time they liked it like you get there and it's all people dressed like they're going to traffic court you know it's like I was also a loser so but you know it was like the worst position to be in is being like a fucking loser and like still feeling entitled to not being a loser right I feel like I'm better than this but I'm not yeah you're not but you should be you have you have you understand that you have the capability you're smart enough to yeah yeah but you're not which makes you worse actually right like it

makes you sad it makes you sadder for sure yeah and those losers are happy yeah and like you know the guy brings me to his office and he's like just got this map it's like it's a fake office I mean they could have been renting this space more than like a month or whatever yeah some shitty office space and there's like you know just on the wall like a map with all these pins all over it like just let you know these are all of our locations it's like locations of what I still don't know he's like we're a multi-level marketing company and it's like okay but what is the actual work and I kept asking him and he would never

tell me what the job was like he was like well the job doesn't start first we send you out with with one of our pros right so you can get a sense of like how one of those guys works and it's like send me out doing you know learning from him getting experience it's like and I wouldn't answer and then eventually like I fucking like getting blood from a stone it's trying to sell coupon books door-to-door and it's like man damn do you remember in school when they make you a god and sell magazines for where that money go what was that all about yeah it went to Israel yeah you were raising money for Israel I was

in public school before you were IDF I never yeah but that's that's how they get you you were you were the bottom of the you your job is to service the idea you're the fluffer the cowards the professional cowards which profession like I'm too scared to get to I only have nine guns and that child he has pebble I need my penis sucked by Adam before we go through war before we go into the fierce battle the battle of the Gaza daycare sound it's a fucking steel reinforced bulletproof bulldozer with a 40 millimeter cannon sticking out of the front versus a kid with a Tonka truck that you know nine turkeys and some

journalists yes it's a tragedy it's a tragedy it's a tragedy that I chocolate bars to remember chocolate that was the real hustle yeah where that money you know you go to the school read that book the chocolate wars no it's like a young adult novel sounds interesting though yeah I'm listening yeah see now who says interesting that was remember I remember reading it as like a like a tween or whatever yeah a twink yeah a twink that's like a sexy 11-year-old yeah you're a child you're a twink and then yeah yeah yeah there's just like one part where it's like it's like somebody's calling this guy's house and the phone

just keeps ringing and I remember thinking like what in the answering machine pick up it was before and now it's like no one has a house yeah yeah yeah I mean like if you're if anybody calls me it's like what the fuck are you doing yeah I'll say I'd like a call I'm a nice I like to call I do not I prefer text yeah yeah yeah because you can just it takes longer it's a communicate I tell us and I talk for a living I get enough of it out of this fucking podcast I go back in the complete silence like a monk yeah yeah I love talking talking on the phone is more efficient love doing a lot of things in your mouth second put tick

cock what yeah pussy really I like that you tried to you tried to do that bit the opposite way so you did for real fucking girls I mean guys I mean guys I'm gay you know what I hope I find on my way my journey throughout Brooklyn now that it's beautiful which that Nicholas chain link fence with some honey suckles on it oh I go full retard on that smell it just have a nice no you suck you eat the honey you fucking idiot I don't know what a honey suckle is you don't little white flowers a little white flowers but you pinch the bottom you pull the stem out and it's so pulls all the nectar out flower you get a little yeah you get a

little taste of honey I love that you didn't know that no it was like my favorite thing to do as a kid yeah yeah you never had a honey suckle in my life these to grow on fences shit fuck yeah dude yeah I'm in you just go find the honey suckle and there was never a honey there was always these bullshit apple crab apples I remember I can eat those and I try my grandma's place had a crab that was right out front of the house and and yeah you put it in your mouth one time they're terrible you just use them to throw cars yeah of course they make good throwing implements yeah so my car so I'm at you know the ugly kids in your

school oh yeah do you remember throwing rocks at people Mrs. Stevenson stop through a crab apple at me well you're ugly Brian and he's sexy as shit that's what they do they throw crab apples at ugly kids that's just the way the world works I am you don't like it maybe you shouldn't be so ugly maybe you shouldn't be such an ugly little boy I had a what the teacher the teachers assistant at my school was like this old Greek bitch mm-hmm who's just so fucking mean and like what would say shit like that like shit about like that you're ugly call me fat and shit like you know it's not nice no but I think it is true I think she

was like she's not wrong she is wrong cute I think she was like a fascist like no joke because everyone in Greece I was certain generation like a right wing was either communist or fascist yeah I think she was on that oh whoa on that fascy side that's cool yeah that made her cool did she dress cool she was an all-black yeah she's got she's got every every Greek every Greek every Greek like later yeah every widow dresses in all black so they're all got yeah as soon as their their husband I was singing the evanescent song like the gibberish style in Chinatown to my girlfriend and she got really upset thinking that I

was doing fake Chinese she got she got fat who my girlfriend Amy Lee from evanescence yeah I just looked through I want to see cuz I couldn't remember she was hot or not she was hot what she you know who else I can't remember she was hot no she wasn't hot dude and then she's a she's a she's a big old oh the big girl I'm in yeah I'll smash I'll smash her yeah look at you look what she looks like dude that was a gift of a goth guy now it's Jonah Hill what is this 21 Jump Street that movie is so fucking funny the first one's really good the first one yeah I haven't gone to LA dude I want to I want to be in I want to be in

we're trying to book a show I don't you're trying you're gonna make your own moves I'll go I'll go my my goal right now is make sell this HGTV show HGTV yeah this gay house we're gonna put another glory hole right here how you doing we're got we got a great plan for you here today we're putting glory holes in every every room of the house fine I'll fucking I guess I'll have to take a solo trip to LA be in penthouse dude I'll go back out to LA you know if the time was to go was like a little earlier I know about the Malibu have a nice day on the beach yeah go to that fucking seafood place seafood place I would love to do

that that place that little bar outside right off the PCA so let's all right here we do yeah yeah we find the fucking Baltimore it's like right by zoom a beach book all this shit we fucking promote it do eastern shore Maryland sure now well we should just do a show of secrets when we do auto bar we should spend a day just eating crabs for sure yeah why don't we for the day after instead of auto bar why don't we just book a show at secrets yeah we just do come fast everyone shit I would have you been to secrets yeah yeah it's got sand on the yeah yeah we literally should come fast ocean city Maryland come CMD baby we

get all our fans to come to OC that weekend it's fights hookups drama Ukrainian teenagers start suckin to get the fuck out yeah yeah you know that's a tagline start sucking or hit the bricks I went to I went to Ocean City once with my ex-girlfriend who is Korean and all of her joys high school friends stop fucking dickhead all of her high school friends were like criminals who like brought guns and stuff and one of her friends got drunk on the beach and like told this dad in front of his family in front of his like two little kids and wife he's like I'm gonna fucking kill you and I kept using the n-word he's like

I'm gonna end your life and he like was the guy pulled out no it was like a middle-aged white guy and he's like and for no reason with a gun oh he was Asian he was Asian guy oh what yeah it was all Asian people that use the n-word incredible and had guns towards white that's a war it's white people to use it threateningly I feel like Asians aren't allowed to use it negatively they can use it out of love oh yeah for their friends yeah y'all we got to get out here we got to shoot these Asians you gotta kill them well it's just interesting how yeah I the first time I ever met those guys and there was just a room full of Asian

people and everyone was using the n-word it was one of the most profound acid or something like what the fuck is going on those are all Tom I was his friends so awesome criminals yeah they love his shit they think he's the funniest guy of all time yeah you one of the only white piece my ass all right what else is going on these days we got a we got a yeah we can't end the show with Kanye Bill Cosby oh this Kanye thinks fucking hilarious it's great it's wild brother it's you know it's even better R Kelly it's because I don't know that's been for a while shut up I don't know why people are mad at R Kelly but it's

made me listen to his music I can tell you that I think he's like a rapist I saw a thing that said that you you can't if you listen to R Kelly you're hurting black woman and it's like if it's that easy and all I have to do is just put listen to good jams to be all I was doing just put on R Kelly makes to the comfort of my own home and I can hurt every black woman in the world I don't even anything wrong with black with no problems of black women but if I have that make it that easy if it's that if I can do that much damage well do spider-man with great power comes great responsibility yeah exactly how about

with great irresponsibility comes great power so true so if you just you know you drink and dry that's power that is power that is very responsible you don't think so why don't you put your fuck a four-year-old in the middle of the sidewalk go ahead you know you don't think I'm powerful I've had 11 beers I'll show you power mm-hmm you know and that's that's a little what I like to call life lesson corner that's really good I get that lesson you guys watch Avengers I watched black people say these things they're like oh the Avengers is coming out didn't that come out 15 years ago they do new ones oh they

do new it was good yeah infinity war infinity horse even those names sound like they came out it sounds like the last one they all have the same names I watched one of the Avengers I'll Captain America forever winter comes out next week yeah that seems like they already did that one Spider-Man Spider-Man homecoming was the last one I watched that this weekend but it was charming and it was great I don't like Andrew Garfield yeah no no it's a new guy it's a boy the boy is good the boy is great the boy is great yeah and Marissa Tomei is on me and she looks so good sexy on me is something I

was not prepared for Marissa Tomei was the first girl I ever wanted to fuck I didn't know what fucking was but I wanted to just her to like me is that the girl in before the devil knows you know it's my cousin Vinnie no I know who Marissa Tomei is but is she playing oh yeah the Phillips Seymour Hoffman Marissa Tomei sex is that what he said text Tom Myers text Tom we look up the cat I think it is her at Sydney Lumet last movie it's Sydney Portier's last movie yeah it's yeah it's Marissa Tomei it's Marissa Tomei she's so hot dude in the wrestler before the devil's your dad how about that

magic that's all him yeah making out yeah I'm gonna get a super cut together of all my great ideas yeah really be awesome please honestly someone please do that no you don't need someone please string Adam's best moments on the podcast need to say that and you know what it's you know the reason why is because ooh how about doing a little watch through of the getaway with Alec Baldwin who's in that Kim basing her they were married they were damn that was at their at their height that was a sexy ass couple yeah 1994 damn dude he used to be like good as hell yeah the shadow yeah I remember though was that

Billy Zane the Sun is shining no it's I was like a superhero movie the radio play before they came no it's a pulp fiction comic books the radio sure but shut up why is why are we doing shut up again because I'm saying I'm describing something you throw in these tidbits I'll fucking you wait until I finish speaking I'll tell you I'll bit I'll tell you whatever I got bite his video what I'm gonna do I'm gonna use the leftover dick I have from tying off Stavros no to tie off your no can't possibly have more you don't have that much dick after doing a naval not after doing yeah a nautical knot unstopped

scouts honor and I learned to tie both of your dicks off already for the storm captain you guys flying like kites in a tornado as I salute standing proudly on the ground tethered to my car have you ever seen that movie Russell Crowe master like little like little paper dolls are all strong what are you you're just master and commander it's just your cock is keeping us I don't know for whatever reason the storm has no effect on me probably the other way around you would probably be on the ground because you're fat yeah and I have a very painful knotted-up dick that's being stretched out into the hurricane you

stretch it too far it sounded so funny yeah that made your dick bigger if you let your dick flap in a hurricane it probably just rip it off well now I probably would generate an opera I don't know how much prep because I remember reading as a kid that it takes only 10 pounds of pressure to like wrap a human ear off but I can tug on my ear I could probably hang weights for my ear and I wouldn't fucking rip off all right let's try so yeah go ahead pull my good no point as hard as you fucking want let's go to the cross go ahead good I'm not gonna do it I'm not a violent you can't hurt me pull my ears hard as you

want I don't that sucks it doesn't do anything it doesn't no that's I feel nothing stop you got ugly yeah I just don't have I just put my own ear in it hurt yeah it hurts me oh no no you just have like no like nerves or something yeah you got like weird ears anybody ever fuck your ears up no but I mean you could do that with any I don't think yeah I don't experience pain I remember I heard that's true I heard I remember hearing about boxing ears when I was a little kid cauliflower ears but no no no boxing under clapping like under clapping and it like freaks me out it sounded so make you deaf yeah yeah you can go deaf

just from like cupping someone's ears on the sides of their heads yeah I hate that so we should do that says Nick and see you want to deaf Nick that would suck yeah that would be cool you're visiting a calm town everybody they're like people like he's doing the Down syndrome guy again like no I'm deaf now what about a very similar very similar accent what about death so why people it's like Philadelphia and Baltimore people can't tell the difference but if you have down syndrome yeah what about death comedy jammy comes up they're like excuse me do you have Down syndrome my my aunt has Down syndrome he used to go

see her in the summertime I always would laugh at her voice it was always so funny no I'm deaf actually I'm sorry I couldn't help but eavesdropping but are you deaf by chance no I have Down syndrome oh okay that's a similar they're similar quality yeah yeah they're all similar qualities but like they say phone and then we say zinc and we eat the we are not about to use the phone because we keep buying candy crushed they say phone but they don't know how to they can't use it they're incapable of using it and we say phone but we've chewed all the buttons

fuck dude all this exercise I had something to say but all this exercise I've done today it's made my brain foggy yeah I need to find that goddamn bookstore before I go to the gym what's the bookstore I need to get a quick books like online for just go to the strand I don't want to have to pay that my CPA friend more money to like teach you yeah yeah cuz I might have a question I hear like go consult a hundred bucks yeah cause I'm honey yeah I just want to get away so I'm gonna learn how to do accounting myself I don't need to fucking keep spending money on that shit you what do you have to do just write down

your expenses I do I used to manage my own books and I had a whole system and I switched to quick books because I'm like oh this will be easier but it's not that's like yeah like a broke software I can't link quick books to your bank account and then they have the computer can just recognize this is a you're saying all this and you have no idea what you're talking what about I'm just saying why can't I see if I did you I'm just asking why the technology I have done that you need to document categorize all the fucking expenses what about you I'm fine what about you know your mom dying of cancer that's what

I'll tell you what the problem is anytime I go to I'm like oh I'm trying to figure out how to do this thing and and this is not just you but it's everybody it's just society this is what everybody does this yeah and it's not to me everybody does it to each other but somebody's like yeah I'm trying to figure this out and then it will suggest things that are like obviously the first step anyone fucking took yeah you know yeah and then you're like puny mortals these humans yeah yeah you sound like you're just getting irritated at no I to be fair I don't think one day and I don't think I'm gonna tell you

what to do but I was what about what about dick looks instead of quick books yeah and it's a it's a I don't know so spreadsheet full of dicks that you look at that's good we're maybe there are counting sticks I don't know I haven't workshopped it all the way but how about how about Phillips suck more off man I think before what about deaf comedy just bring just all black bring your fucking cock death comedians I think we literally have did we say that yeah here's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna suck your cock that's good just pull your cock out just let me see it man

come on man please just let me suck your cock man come on I feel like that's pretty good you're basically there just pull it out pull it just come on your cock out man I'm Phillips suck more off Phillips suck more off man I love sucking cock all right okay that's the episode okay you announced that Baltimore's canceled yes okay it's not canceled is postponed postponed I think maybe June second yes maybe we should face confirm we should mention back he said me illicit dates and I looked at all but let's pick that this Sunday we are not doing a show at auto bar in

Baltimore sorry for the fall sorry oh yeah we're not doing it we're not but the 14th funny moms I think someone is booked but I forget I forget my ass wait he fucks now I thought he just sucked off I just suck I just sucked dick I'm just trying to suck oh man I just want to suck your dick man come on man please okay that's the show bye guys bye