The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 102 – still mad abotu you

Episode Date: May 10, 2018

theyre bringing it back and we can tbe more excited

Are you looking for a trusted and experienced online high school where you can earn credits or upgrade your marks? Learn with Ontario Virtual School, Ontario's leading online provider with a 5-star Google rating. OVS has over 140 interactive grade 7 to 12 courses to choose from, including STEM, French Immersion and more. Sign up today, create your own timetable and get access to their supportive teachers and counsellors. See why over 25,000 students have chosen to learn with ovs visit ontariovirtualschool.ca don't say it uh hello everyone and welcome to motherfucking Comptown. We're here.

Adam just got a new stove that I'm very jealous of. Yeah, I'm very lucky to have it. I'm very blessed. It's fucking awesome looking. Yeah. You cook steaks on that motherfucker. You cook cakes. It's a stove-oven combo.

Classic. That's how you know there's no anti-Semitism in the world anymore. Jews got the most expensive ovens now. That's so true, man. You know? Yeah, but for a deal. It doesn't come full circle. Yep. It was a deal.

What's next? You got your own shower in your apartment? Yep. Shower, toilet. You got a train that takes you to the bank? Yep. Literally, yes. Wow.

So we really are a post... How about after Fievel Goes West, there's a movie called Fievel Goes to Hell for Being Jewish. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. That's the sequel? Uh-huh.

That's good. Yeah. It is good. Why did it happen? Huh? How did he die? What? In the movie, how does Fievel die?

Oh, I don't know. Running afoul of a posse? Oh, in the West. In the West, yeah. Fievel die? Oh, I don't know. Running afoul of a posse. Oh, in the West. In the West, yeah. Getting involved with the Celestials. Did they have Jews in the West? Of course. Sol Star.

Huh? Sol Star. They had some Jews in the West. Of course there were Jews in the West. It was a business opportunity. That's true, yeah. Were there Jews everywhere? I'm asking if there's Jews that own Bitcoin.

The first Jews to come to the New World were during Peter Stuyvesant's rule of New Amsterdam. I bet the guys that were first into slavery were like Bitcoin guys. Yeah, yeah. Like, no, you don't understand. It's a new economy. You make other people work for you. Like, that seems like it doesn't work. I don't understand how that works.

They just work for free? It's like, yeah, you enslave them. What does that mean? There's like a block chain. You put their nuts on it, and then you smash it, and then they're attached to a chain. It's a big block.

It's an auction block, and there's chains attached to it. It's called cryptocurrency. Yeah, I mean, that is the most beautiful free market thing, if you really think about it. Libertarians must love slavery. It's the cheapest labor.

Guys, here's what we really need to be worried about. As white people, how do we talk about Kanye? We just have to read word for word the Ta-Nehisi Co word because obviously we're upset about what kanye said but as white people we need to temper our rage at him because we need to understand i'm hurt by kanye i'm i'm personally personally hurt and offended i can't believe kanye would not think and feel exactly as i do i I can't believe there's a bipolar schizophrenic guy that we've known as

bipolar schizophrenic for years. Who killed his mom with sneaker money. He did kill his mom. He did not kill Donda. Well, he blamed himself for her death and went crazy. That's because he's a good son. His mom's name is Donda? Donda. Yeah, and he named his design for her. Donda esta mi madre.

I'll tell you where. Right in hell with Fievel. And the rest of those rats. Fievel got fed to Wu's pigs. What? Fievel got fed to Wu's pigs. Yeah. To get rid of the body. I would love to feed somebody to my pigs.

I do want pigs, actually. My Chinese-ass murder pigs. Chinese murder pigs. Have you seen Deadwood? Have you seen Deadwood, Stav? No. I've seen... You should watch it, dude. It seen Deadwood, Stav? No I've seen You should watch it, dude

It's really good Stav watches it Yeah, it's awesome Stav watches a show called Breadwood And it's about a guy whose dick gets hard Every time he thinks about bread And by a show, I mean the mirror Yeah, why would that be a show?

It's about me It's a mirror he has in his bedroom He wrote Sony on the bottom of it He's like, this is a good-ass show Breadwood, huh? Honestly, it wouldn't even be bread on the bottom of it. He's like, this is a good-ass show. Breadwood, huh? Honestly, it wouldn't even be bread.

It would be like some fucking lamb chops, some grilled-ass lamb chops. Yeah. That sounds good. Which, by the way, on this new fucking stove, you throw cast iron on there, you can make some delicious meats.

God damn it. Throw it in that oven. I'm so jealous. Finish it off on the cast iron. Why don't you get... Do you have a gas hookup? I do. You should get a $6,000 oven. I don't want to do that have a gas hookup i do you should get a six thousand dollar oven i don't want to do that i did not pay six thousand dollars they're gonna

be your fans are gonna get mad you understand you just made it worse yeah yeah i hold on i got a d a lot yeah he already said he got it was from craigslist yeah yeah um i'm not doing that i'm not investing in my apartment i love my but my landlord is kind of fucking... Yeah. Our neighbor's balcony is just, like, drooping. Yeah. It's just going to fucking fall off. That's bound to happen.

I'm investing in my apartment. I'm building some in-wall bookshelves. I ripped all the fucking baseboard out today. You're going to die. Yeah, what are you going to put? Gay sex for experts? No, I'm just hanging on to the parts. I'm hanging on to the parts of the baseboard that I'm discarding. So when I move out, I'm just hanging on to the parts

of the baseboard that I'm discarding. So when I move out, I can just pop that shit back for once. Or, you know, honestly... Just leave it in.

You made the apartment better. Yeah, in-wall bookshelves are like, they add to the apartment. That's an upgrade. I can't imagine the guy would have a fucking issue with that.

Yeah, I learned that from the prop boys. Property brothers? The property... You gotta go open floor planning. No, Nick. Property brothers. You're... You got to go open floor planning. No, Nick. Property Brothers.

You're in a real N-word mood today. But it's spring. It's nice out. It is spring, yeah. It's true. There is a correlation between nice weather. It's not racism. It's just sometimes it's so nice out, you got to use slurs.

Sure, that's true. That's why they used to not let him in at the pool because they're like, what, I'm supposed to censor myself on such a beautiful day? Yeah, that checks out. Look, don't ever question my knowledge of American history. I never will.

I never motherfucking will. Oh, yeah, I was saying earlier that Peter Stuyvesant wrote a... How about Peter Guyvison? Fucks guys. No, it's just for guys. Bedford Guyvison. Yeah.

Boys Town. Yeah. That's actually what they call your apartment, Nick. Getting Headford Guyvison. Getting Headford Guyvison. Yeah, hell yeah. Cool. What did Bedford... Peterison? Getting ahead from Guyvison? Yeah, hell yeah. Cool. What did Bedford...

Peter Stuyvesant... Gethead Stuyvesant say? So a boat of Jews showed up in New Amsterdam Harbor, and he's like, what the fuck? And so he wrote a letter to the Dutch West Indian Company, and he's like, guys, you won't believe this. Fucking Jews showed up. Like, I don't want them here.

I want to kick them out. And then the Dutch West Indian Company said, let them stay. Oh, nice. And then from then on, this has become a disgusting Jewish. Really? They've been here that long? Yeah, since the 1600s. 1672 is when it happened.

Get the fuck out of here. I don't know if that's true. There's been Jews here for that long? It's 100% true. Since the 1600s. That's the exact year. that doesn't sound true i fucking nailed it it's like when you get the darts at the bar and then you go to the opposite side of the bar and you throw the darts from the other side of the bar at the dartboard and first everyone's mad at you but then you get a fucking bullseye yeah like all right we'll allow this to continue yeah and then the second time you hit

someone in the eye and you're like like, woo, you're peacocking. And then you just hit the Mexican bar back in his cheeks. Yeah. Well, you know, he has it coming. He does. Trying to work hard. Trying to become a bartender. Fuck out of here. The easiest job in the world.

Oh, yeah. No, you got to remember all the ingredients of the drinks. The easiest job in the world, bartender. Hardest job in the world, mom. Yeah. M mother mom yeah yeah mom you know mm-hmm that's my job description mom yeah Oh days off I don't have any because I'm busy watching blues clues a sleeping toddler while drinking wine the hardest job waking up taking pills, drinking a tall glass of Pinot Grigio.

You know what's even harder than being a stay-at-home mom? A stay-in-jail mom. Oh, yeah, that is true. You have to keep committing crimes to not be near your kids. Well, me, I'm a stay-in-jail mom. I mostly just stay in jail. Look how bad the dog wants to go outside. No, she likes looking out the window.

And smelling the air outside and wishing she was free. Mm-hmm. Not trapped. Outside dog fun. I'm going to take her to nature. Not fucking... This summer. I don't think she's ever been to nature.

What do you mean? What does that mean? Why don't you just say something normal? Like a... To the park? No, she's been to a park. That's nature, bitch. That's nature.

Like a field where I can take her leash off and let her run around. A park where I gotta keep an eye on her. And she can maul a child in nature? No, I'm saying nature. There's no one there. It's only animals she can maul. And she can maul all the animals she wants. Would you let your dog kill a deer?

A majestic stag? Yeah. Of course. Damn, dude. I love that so much much I love my dog. I do want pigs, though, one day as pets. How about doing

Darth Maul makeup combined with Joker makeup? Ooh. Ultimate mashup. That'd be too twisted, man. Darth Joker. Darth Joker. The fucking coolest guy.

Holy fuck. That's gotta be out there. Him just with the, like, the black cloak. The Joker with a double-sided lightsaber.. Holy fuck. That's got to be out there. Him just with the black cloak. The Joker with a double-sided lightsaber. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Guess who's got that? My Halloween costume figured out. People are like, what are you, Darth Joker?

I'm like, no, I'm John Wick. No, I'm John Wick, dude. I haven't seen John Wick. Dude, don't steal my fucking idea. I'm going to be John Wick. I'm getting a black suit. The Joker's lightsaber, one side, he would press the button. It would just say bang.

Yeah, okay. Or like zzzz or some shit like that. You know, Darth Maul got that idea from the guy who told the girls to go ass to ass in Requiem for a Dream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, why don't we do that with lightsabers? So true. Yeah.

It's a good idea. I love going ass to ass. Yeah, me. Just you and Elvis. That's how I, that's how, no, me and my, no, me and only a woman I love.

That's how, that's how I know it's real. We go ass to ass. I put one side of my ass, she puts it in her pussy. That's fucking romance, dude. After a nice fucking meal, a nice Italian dinner.

From ass to class. That's where you dress up as slut. That's my new show nice italian dinner from ass to class that's where you dress up a slut that's my new show i'm pitching from ass to class ass to class it's like g's to gents for hoes yeah for sluts for sluts we're gonna make these sluts do you remember the host of g's to gents was it was the the umbrella guy diddy's. Ah, yes, Farnsworth Bentley. Yeah, who had an umbrella company. Yep. And what's his name was on that show? Riff Raff. Riff Raff.

Mm-hmm. It was a good show. You know what else is good? You guys ever watch Love & Hip Hop? That shit fucking rules, dude. All I know is that that's where Cardi B's from. She's from Love & Hip Hop New York, yes. But Love & Hip Hop Atlanta? Good stuff.

Do they have arguments with each other? They have arguments all the time. There was a reality show that was just about Lil Wayne's friends. What? There was like a reality The Carter documentary? No, there was a reality show that was just like Lil Wayne wasn't in it. It was just people he was like involved in his life.

Oh, no. And it wasn't... Hmm, I don't know. It might have been a love in hip-hop. Maybe. I can't remember. That documentary about him, The Carter, is unbelievable. It's one of my favorite documentaries. What is The Carter?

It's from that movie. What the fuck is that movie? Get Carter? Wesley Snipes? No. Wesley Snipes is in it. Demolition Man? No.

Blade. He's the fucking drug dealer. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. New Jack City. New Jack City. Because Carter is the drug house in New Jack City. Oh, okay. So all of his professional shit has been an homage to New Jack City.

Uh-huh. Yeah. And that's a good-ass movie, by the way. That was like when... Chris Rock playing a crackhead. Yeah. Yes. In that.

It's where I do a triple feature, Dead Presidents, New Jack City, Fresh. That's a good... If you want to watch... It's also the first ten minutes of Belly.

Yeah. The opening scene of Belly is so good. The greatest thing ever. Oh, Paid in Full? That's another good one. Cameron. Cameron's a good actor, dude, in that one.

Yeah, I think he's a talented gentleman. Cameron motherfucking Giles, my good friend. Yeah. Of People Talking Sports and other stuff, the MSG Network alum, Cameron Giles. Have you seen I Got the Hookup? The Master P movie? I haven't seen it.

It's about beepers? No, that sounds good. They had a scam to, the Master P movie. I haven't seen it. It's about beepers. No, that sounds good. They had a scam to sell the most beepers. What was it, Repo Man or some shit? Repo Man was not a rap movie. No, no, no. That was a punk rock movie. No, no, no.

There's a hood version. SLC Punk, Repo Man. There's another. Those are companion films. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's another double feature for... Although I think Repo Man is like a way better movie. Super Luxurious Cock.

Repo Man is a way better movie. Super Luxurious Cock? Yeah, that's what it stands for. SLC Repo Man? You should tell them that. I want to watch this Chris Chan documentary. Someone made it? Yeah.

Oh, more Tom Myers news. Ooh. He did it. He didn't ask me anything. Oh, yes. It may just be somebody who's done a perfect impression of Tom. Was it done well? he didn't ask me anything oh yes it may just be somebody who's done a perfect impression of Tom

it's so well done that it's gotta be I can't believe our mouth breathing retard fans would be able to pull off and ask me anything that good some of them are funny basically it's just that homosexual Liam

that gay guy Liam. The face-shell bodybuilder from Canada. Yeah, that extremely ugly guy. That poor guy. He's not that ugly. No, he's pretty fucking ugly. He's not that ugly. He can work with what he's got.

He's a bodybuilder. He's strong. You're only saying that because you're hideous. No, first of all, I'm not hideous. I'm very cute. Okay, that's number one. Second of all, he's not that ugly. You just have weird body dysmorphia that extends to other jacked guys sometimes.

No, I mean, he is objective. He looks like an ugly version of handsome Jim Norton. He doesn't look like Jim Norton. No, he looks like an ugly version of handsome Jim Norton. What is handsome Jim Norton? It's a really funny... Some guy does great Photoshop. It's a Twitter account.

I've seen the account before. Yeah, it's a... Well, then you know what it is. But, like, I don't know what the gimmick is. What do you mean? Is it a bit from his show? Or is it some guy just does it? Some guy just does it.

Or some guy just looks like a Handsome Jim Norton. No, no, no. It's like very good Photoshop. Where it's like... He basically does whatever they do to, like, but he does to to jim norton but to the next level like he looks like a just a sexy ass guy he looks hot yeah i mean yeah that's yeah that's so fun that's yeah that's a pretty good looking guy that's a good looking guy he looks kind of like jerry ferrera from entourage jerry ferrera is a cute man. I don't know. Shouts out, Turtle.

Oh, yeah. You seen him recently? He's also on People Talking Sports. Oh, he's also People Talking Sports alum? Yeah, you can't fix 5'2", though. He's on Power. He's a little, though. He plays a lawyer on Power.

He's a little one. He's not 5'2". He's 5', I would say 5'. He's 5'5". 5'6", maybe. Yeah. Anyway. He's small.

Liam, I don't think you're that ugly. I think he's very funny, too. I don't think you're that ugly. I think he's very funny, too. I don't know. But both of you guys blocked him, though. I didn't block him. No, I follow him. Oh, do you? Yeah.

Big Dick Liam or whatever. I thought you blocked him. Dasha told him she'd shoot him. But I'm still a fan. I didn't block his ass. Yeah. I think I stopped responding because he asked I didn't block his ass. Yeah. I think I stopped responding because he asked me what your dick looked like. Oh, yeah.

He likes to talk about that. And I'm not trying to think about your penis on my off days. Oh, really? When we're working, I think about your cocks all the time. Yeah. I have a picture. Pick on the mind. Right now, people don't know this, but we're in the control room.

We all have desktops out. We're all constantly looking up things. We have like a war room. Yes, exactly. And I have two monitors, two 32-inch computer monitors, HD, and I have scans of your cocks, bio scans. Yeah, yeah. Where it's like that picture with the guy who's got his hands open.

What are you talking about? It looks like he's doing jumping jacks or whatever. Oh, the Vitruvian man. Yes, yes, yes. And you know in movies where they have the 3D rendering and it goes around and shit? And it's blue with grids and shit? That's what I have of your dicks.

Oh, cool. So there's two 32-inch monitors of our dicks and then there's an iPod Nano. No! It's been braille. No, it is not. It's an even bigger one. It's so small

that it makes you go blind trying to see it. It's the scoreboard on MSG. As a blind person. As a black person. Are we black people, Jack? No, blind people.

The scoreboard on MSG is what my dick's on. You know what? The Dallas scoreboard. The biggest fucking No, we've already decided it's braille. The one in Korea.

They have even bigger ones in Korea where they play fucking League of Legends and shit. That's the one where my dick is. So now we can move on. Okay. Now we can move on to the blind people. Hold on. We moved on.

Now we're moving on. Now. Now we're moving on. We're moving on about your braille-sized dick. Now we're moving on. It's like a one little braille bump. And we're moving on now. Do you think we have any blind people listening to us? Blind people have to read Stog's dick. A single braille bump.

And we're moving on now. After I had the final word. And we're moving on now. So you think blind people jack off to Braille? Tell somebody their dick's the size half a Braille bump is pretty funny. It's a good one. I'm going to remember that for later and say it to people. Yeah, because it's a generic insult that doesn't apply to me because my dick is much bigger than that.

And we're moving on now. And I'll say, hey, asshole moving on now. Hey, asshole, your dick's like Stob's dick. And they're like, come on, man, not the half a Braille bump dick guy. No, that's not what they'll say. My dick's not that small. Not the world famous half a Braille bump dick.

No, they will say the dick from the big ass screen in Korea. Baby, baby, that's what they'll say. The tiny little half a baby Braille bump dick. No. Please tell me I ain't got no Stavros half a braille baby dick. No.

Those are the other kinds. I swear to God, if my son is bored, he's got one of them Stavros half a baby braille pump. Absolutely not. Something I love is totally just brailling out girls.

You know what I'm saying? Absolutely not. Just brailling the shit out of them. And we're moving on now. Okay, well, I know that deaf people have a wild community, and they have a trunk. They hum on each other's balls and shit.

Yeah, they hum on each other. They're like, fuck. I told you that guy I knew in college who was a dipshit idiot ended up at a deaf college party. Yes, and he fucked. He was like, dude, I'm black out I know that's not it's pronounced Gallaudet no it's so time I thought it was Gallaudet but the blinds yes what do you jack off to the noises of sex?

The noises of sex, yeah. You probably like getting little moans in your ear and shit. Maybe they have those fleshlight things that are attached to bodies, like titties and shit. Maybe that's for the blinds so they can feel titties. Do you remember that movie? I'm sure everybody was able to jack off without pornography prior to the abundance of pornography available.

So, I mean, obviously blind people could just use their imagination. In their heads, what do they think titties look like? What? In their heads, what does a blind guy think a titty is? They don't think things look like things. Well, it depends if you've been blind forever. Yeah. Imagine you had a...

Or if you went blind. How would you imagine, you know i mean like a different sense that you don't even have there's no way to even comprehend it that's so fucking true that's a fucking mind blower dude yeah you know what it probably is this is what it probably is do you remember in ben affleck's daredevil the ben affleck one the good one where he's a good to see the girl wait before he kisses her i don't was it jenn Yes, Jennifer Garner. That's where they met. And so then they kissed. It was raining.

They were on a rooftop. It was raining. And because his hearing was so good, he could echolocate what her body looked like from the raindrops. Yeah, but that's the daredevil, though. Falling on. So you think all blind people fuck. There's a little blind black kid that has sonar. Have you seen that video?

What? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He makes all the noises and shit. Yeah, he got. Yeah, that kid rocks. all blind people fuck out there's a little blind black kid that has sonar have you seen that video what yeah oh yeah he makes all the noises and shit yeah that kid rocks is he like that guy from police academy

yeah it's Michael Winslow it's Michael Winslow he's incredible Michael Winslow is doing an hour on shitting this week at Carnegie Hall. Wow, we saw this black man with autism the other night at Carnegie Hall. He just makes noises with his mouth. I guess that's comedy.

It's so funny that nobody knew what to classify Michael Winslow as, so they're like, yeah, he's a comedian. He could very easily be a musician, a juggler, a magician, maybe. I don't know. That's what happens. No, that's stand-up comedy.

Wrestlers just tell stories about getting their nuts stomped on by a fucking barbed wire bat. They're like, yep, that's comedy. Or porn stars, too. Dustin Diamond was fucking comedy. Ben Shapiro going around complaining about trans people. One night only at Joker's Wild. Ben Shapiro.

That guy is short as fuck, dude. He's small. I met him. He's actually, he's like not that short. You know people are just going to mock him. He's actually taller than you. We're the same exact height. Then he's taller than you.

Me and you are the same exact height. How tall is he? I'm an inch taller than you. You think he's like 5'8"? I'm 5'8". You're 5'7". Stay up right now, bitch. Nope.

I'm absolutely taller than you. No, you're not the same exact height. We're not the same exact height. Yeah, Nick's like a little bit taller. No, we're the exact same height. He's wearing shoes. You're also wearing shoes. I'm wearing flip-flops.

Those are shoes. We're the exact same. That's hair height. That's hair. I'm an inch taller than you. That's 100% hair. It's not. Well, you snooze, you lose, Stav.

Yeah, sorry, buddy. Oh, fuck. All right, Stav accidentally unplugged the recorder while finding out that he was shorter than me. Nick was mad that we're the same height, so he unplugged the recorder. Adam, can you please just settle this? I'd say Nick is slightly taller. Thank you.

We're the exact same height, but a 10 height. And Stav is slightly fatter. Anyways, what were we at? 22 minutes? Yeah Sorry for that I gotta set a different timer No you don't

You hate doing that shit Suck on my dick My little squeaky dick Please suck my dick Squeak, squeak, squeak What would it be like to be squeaky? Hold on Tom Myers didn't ask me anything.

Oh, yes. Go back to that. I don't know if it's real or not, but it's very well done. That's all we can say. What were some of the answers? Well, I don't know. Squeaky fucking game.

One that made me laugh was like, Tom, what state are you from again? He's just misusing words the whole time. Did he post about it on his Twitter? Because if not, it's probably fake. Please suck my dick. Ask me. My furry, smelly dick.

I don't really check Tom's Twitter. I have hair that covers my dick. Yeah, I don't either. He's blocked us, I believe. I'm blocked, yeah. Please suck my dick. Yeah. It's one of the great sadnesses.

Someone sent me a screenshot of, what's her name, that redhead, Kathy Griffin, was like, if you don't follow me on Instagram, you might as well start. And then it's a link to her Instagram. And then Tom replied with a link to his Instagram. He says, your turn. Awesome, dude. God, remember when Judd Apatow retweeted Tom? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That rocked. That was funny. I don't even know how he saw that. Did you see this? Look how good portrait mode looks on that phone. I know, dude. I like cute. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, I feel my face looks naked without a mustache. What's it called in pictures where the background is blurry? It's a... Yeah, exactly. Depth of field. It's a French technique. It's...

I made a Mornay sauce in the Vitamix last night. What's Mornay? What's Mornay? It's like... Like a butter? Bechamel. I made a Hornay sauce. With cheese.

It's my cock and... Yeah, well, you don't have I made a hornet sauce. With cheese. It's my cock. Yeah, well, you don't have to make a roux or anything. The fucking Vitamix does everything. You just put butter, flour, milk, and then blend it. It just does the work. You just blend it for 10 minutes until it's hot, and then you throw some Gruyere in there. Mmm, Gruyere. Look at this little fancy bitch.

I made a steak. It's a classic sauce. I'm not very into French cooking. I'm more of a classic sauce. I'm not very into French cooking. I'm more of a Mediterranean Asian. I'm not either. I'm more into blending. A little bit of garlic powder. It's great.

Made mac and cheese. It was a little thick. I should have put some more milk in at the end. I used a sous vide for the first time recently. I just bought one. You just got one? I heard that you actually soused D. Sous-D.

Down at the bus stop. Yep. At the mega bus stop. Family's waiting to go to Boston. It's incredible. It's incredible. I just bought one. Do you make a steak with it yet?

It's coming on Amazon. You vacuum seal the meat and then you boil it? You can use a plastic bag, too. You can just use a two-gallon Ziploc. Yeah. But then it cooks for an hour and a half at the perfect temperature. By the way, now, this is a food podcast. Whatever.

We're all professional chefs. That's right. So then it doesn't matter if it's been going for Like an hour and a half or three hours It's still at the same exact temperature And then you just slap it on You slap it on the cast iron For like Just to finish it off

15 seconds each side I cannot wait to meal prep with that motherfucker Make some chicken breast in there Yeah In the marinade You cook it in the fucking marinade And then you can freeze it after Because you eat like 17 meals a day

So you only prep for the day? Isn't that just cooking? No, I don't... I prep... Is that really meal prep? I prep for the week, my bitch. I made like 10 servings of chicken souvlaki throughout the week. You know, I had it for...

A healthy choice? It is a healthy choice. It's fucking... It's chicken breast marinated in lemon. Yeah. Lemon, garlic, and a little salt, pepper, oregano. Some good shit. That's nice.

I'm MyFitnessPal-ing everything, so I know exactly what I'm eating. You've got to be careful with that because it's very easy to find things that aren't accurate. The verified salmon in MyFitnessPal or whatever is wildly inaccurate. Yeah, yeah. I was like, fuck, I stalled for weeks back when I was starting to cut weight. You were eating a lot of salmon. I was eating, yeah. I was having a fucking salmon filet every other day.

And it's because in MyFitnessPal, it registers as having no fat in it. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I guess I didn't. I just trusted it, and I didn't look at it. And then it was like, oh, there's 10 grams of fat in a pound of salmon. Right. It's like, there's no way that's fucking accurate.

Yeah. No, I'm very, I double checked my shit. Do you think there's more or less fat? Way more. There's way more. It's very fatty. Way more. It's got a lot of protein, but it's got a lot of fat as well.

Yeah, salmon's filled with fat. Oh. Yeah. That's what makes it so good. Yeah, that's why it's delectable. I always thought it was good for you. It is good for you. I mean, I guess it is good for you.

That's why tuna's not as good as salmon, because it's not as fatty. Yeah. So it's drier. Tuna is, well, I guess it is good for you. That's why tuna's not as good as salmon, because it's not as fatty. Yeah. So it's drier. Tuna is, well, I guess there's fatty tuna. Yeah, there's, uh... There's, like, a type. There's, is it tuna belly or whatever? Yeah, tagamaso.

Yeah, whatever. It's some fucking Japanese shit. Anyways, now... Toro, toro. Now it's break time, and we're going to take a second to talk about underwear, folks. Whatever you're wearing right now, throw it away and go to MackWeldon.com and get yourself a pair of Mack Weldon underwear. They believe in simple shopping,

premium fabrics, and smart design. I got a pair myself. I went to MackWeldon.com. Very easy shopping experience. I want a pair. Well, you're too short. Sorry. No, we're the exact same. They don't make underwear for people that are 5'7 and a half. You have to be 5'8 or over.

Yeah, sorry. That's fucked up. Unless you're 5'8 and a quarter inch. I feel like they're really shutting themselves off to, you know, a 3 1⁄2, maybe 2 1⁄2 percent of the market of men that are under 5'7 and a half. Yeah, yeah. Adam, by the way, you missed a real opportunity

to make Nick feel bad about how short he was with his whole riff. So I just want to let you know you're in a picture. Now you're upset about being short. I'm not sure.

I don't give a fuck. We've covered this. I don't care about my body. My body is merely a fucking vessel that has trapped me and I've overcome it. Yeah.

That's not a big deal for me. It's a vessel like a ship. Do you refer to it as she? Yeah, I do. She can't take it anymore. My dick a big deal for me. It's a vessel like a ship. Do you refer to it as she? Yeah, I do. She can't take it anymore. My dick she has betrayed me. Her teeth are falling out of her head. Her majesty's ship.

She's Stavros. HMS Stavros. Yeah, we were saying when we found out he was class three obese. Anyways, back to what I said. Underwear is for people of all shapes and sizes except Stav's body, which is actually not true. They make it no matter how fat you are, how much of a bald fat soul, who is a million times shorter than me and Adam,

who are actually the same height. Oh, are you going to let this slide? We are not the same height. See where you've begun? I've established this already. I'm the tallest. See where you've begat. I'm the tallest, oldest.

Stav's right. You have begatted this, you fucking idiot. I think begat works, by the way. I'm the tallest, oldest. He's right. You have begatted this, you fucking idiot. I think begat works, by the way. I didn't mean to begat it. All three of us, varying so much in body styles and shapes, all can go to MackWeldon.com. All feel wonderful. All go to MackWeldon.com and find comfortable-ass clothes for our obscure, deformed bodies. And not only do they have great underwear, they got T-shirts, they got hoodies.

Crewnecks. Crewnecks and shit. And they got a line of T-shirts and underwear that are naturally antimicrobial, which means that they eat odor. You'll suck it out of your body. Your deformed, disgusting body. So go to MackWeldon.com and tell you what, they just want you to be comfortable. So if you don't like your first pair, you can complain and they'll refund you. No questions asked.

You don't even have to return the underwear. Go to MackWeldon.com and use promo code COMETOWN, C-U-M-T-O-W-N, all capital letters, all one word, to receive 20% off your order. That's MackWeldon.com. And we're also brought to you by BetDSI. BetDSI has been in business for over 20 years taking online bets. They're very highly rated on sportsbook websites across the Internet. They've got a great mobile app that you can use anywhere. It's simple to use.

Adam and Stav, you've used it. Oh, yeah, maybe made some money. What did we say? We had a good pick. You guys have good picks? I just want to stress that not only is the app easy to use, but I guess it's easy to use. That's the other thing.

It's double easy to use. It's both easy to use. And using it is easy. So yeah, what are your picks? Well, we said take the Pellies at the Smoothie King Center. Game three. What did I say? Take them no matter what the spread was.

They fucked that ass. Now, they will lose. They lost the next game at the Smoothie King Center. They are going to get – it's going to be a gentleman's sweep, but the next round, guys, damn it. I hate saying it. Take the fucking Warriors, dude. Just bet.

Oh, and the Warriors Rockets? Yes. Go Warriors. But we're going to have another game before that starts, another episode before that starts. And I would say, you know what? I'm going to say it. Take Philly in game fucking –

Take Philly in game six. Take them. Yeah, for sure. Or game five. Yeah. Take Philly in game five and then take the Warriors in the next round. I'm behind both of those picks. Co-signing those.

Yeah, they also offer live in-game wagering and you can make plays throughout the entire game. And they also offer bets on pretty much anything. So you want to do like a death pool? Yes. You can do that. Something you can do on BetDSI. You want to do like a death pool? Yes. You can do that. Yeah. Something you can do on BetDSI. You want to bet on...

Which one of the royal family? You want to bet on... Make a set of bets. See how much... The baby. See how much child pornography you can download before the FBI busts down your door. I don't know if they... I don't think they do that one, actually.

They might not do that one. But that's hence pretty much everything. Yeah. So you can get pretty close to everything, folks. Without my favorite type of bet to do. The child pornographer's gambit.

The most dangerous game. I guess that's weird that they call the most dangerous game. That's the title of that movie, and it's about hunting humans instead of downloading child pornography at the public library. Gritty reboot of The Most Dangerous Game. It's just you in a tracksuit.

No, I don't have a library card. Why don't you mind your own business? I'm here doing my downloads. Why don't you mind your own business? I'm here doing my downloads. Why don't you go fuck off in the children's section? I'm going to sit here and do my downloads. Anyways, once again, go to betdsi.com. Use promo code CUM25.

That's capital C, lowercase u-m-2-5. And get a free $25 wager on the house and 200% extra bonus when you deposit. Come 25 to get your free wager and start winning today. You cocksucker. You fucking filthy cocksucker. And we're back. And we're back, bitch. We are.

The big dick boys are back, except for Nick and Adam. Just stop. That's a big, big, big, big dick. Whoa, was that a computer voice that was saying that? That was a computer. I didn't even see that. You didn't? was that a computer voice that was saying that? That was a computer. I didn't even see that. You didn't?

Hell. That was the fucked up, dude. That was a lie detector, dude. Hi, it's me, IBM Watson. I have all the information in the entire world. Watson sounds fucking gay. And I can confirm that Stav's dick is the size of half of a Braille book. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Stav's dick is exactly .02% pica. You know what? I will level with you. It's not that big, but it's also not that small. Damn, the computer would have put me on blast. I will accept that. Watson has decided to accept that.

Hey, I'm Siri. I have access to a ton of photographs of Stav's penis from the cloud. And guess what, guys? The files are too small, actually. Fuck you, Siri. Fuck you, Siri. I'm just a transporter. All I do is transport child pornography.

From the internet to this USB drive. I transport it. Hell yeah, dude. Transporter 5, the child pornography one. If you want to see some of the most disgusting pictures Of some of the sexiest kids Here's my card Salute to state Oh guys

You know we gotta talk about The fucking Met Gala guys Oh yeah Can you believe we weren't invited? Comptown will be invited next year Yeah To what? The Met Gala?

Yeah And to Art Basel Miami Hell yeah We're gonna be We're gonna be getting more into the art world. You know how some people call it gala? Yeah, gala, gala, or gala. Somebody said gala to make fun of the gala, and then it stuck.

Yeah. Although people that go to galas are pretty gala. Yeah. They might have liked it. Hmm, that's smart. You know? Yeah. That's an interesting answer.'s an interesting. You know?

Has anyone done, I mean, it's probably like, you know how like Norm did that roast and then he like did like lame jokes. Yes. And then no one, like everyone who tries to do it after that, it's like, oh no, Norm already did it. Yeah. But like, has anyone like ever gone to the Met Gala just in like a t-shirt? Basketball shorts? Yeah.

Like basketball shorts. No, that would be funny though. Yeah. I'm sure something like one person has done it, right? I don't think so. I think people are like really excited to be there. So like let's do that. We could be the norm of the Met Gala. So true. You know what I mean?

Yeah, that's smart. That's also smart, man. That's a smart ass idea. Thanks. Rihanna was looking like the Pope. Man, it's so nice out. It makes me want to go. It's fucking nice out, dude. That's a smart-ass idea. Rihanna was looking like the Pope. Man, it's so nice out. It makes me want to go. It's fucking nice out, dude. It's fucking nice out.

We should go have a little day out in the park. I want to have a BBQ. Yeah, I want to have a BBQ. I want to go to a state fair. Ooh, that'd be nice. Get some funnel cake. Go do a car smash. Oh, yeah.

You pay like five bucks to get a couple. You pay five bucks, you just fucking wail on a car. Yeah, we could just do that now. We could, dude. You pay like five bucks to get a couple. You pay five bucks you just fucking wail on a car. Yeah, we could just do that now. We could, dude. We just go around

Bed-Stuy. What the fuck are you doing? We're like, it's summertime. We're having a car smash. No, it's to help retarded kids.

We're raising money for the retarded. It's the volunteer fire department. It's all retarded firemen. The retarded firemen's association. Woo! The truck

doesn't even have a siren to make the noises. They just keep sliding up and down the pole.

They have a slide instead of a pole. A slide into a ball pit. By the way, guys, I just want to do a public endorsement

of the new Adam Sandler Chris Rock movie on Netflix. Oh, the one where it's like a black guy's daughter marrying a Jewish guy's son? Yeah, it's really good. Okay, I'll check it out. Is it actually good? Yeah, it's really funny. It's a return to...

Well, Robert Smigel directed it. Hell yeah. Damn, I want to do a Netflix to... Well, it's... Robert Smigel directed it. Hell yeah. Yeah, it's great. Damn. I want to do a Netflix deal. Yeah, Adam Sandler made like $300 million or something. Yeah, fuck. Good for him. Oh, you know what?

I'm not... I don't have a Netflix deal, but I have a Twitch now, baby. Oh, you got one? I just did one, dude. So what are you going to do on it? Stavvy Baby. Twitch.tv, Stavvy Baby. S-T-A-V-V-Y Baby.

I played Fortnite for the first time, and I sucked dick at it. But I also do some cooking vids. So holler at your boy. Follow me on that. So how do you make money? Like, how do you monetize? I don't know. I just did it for fun.

I'll figure it out, I guess. But see, dude, why has it always got to be about money? Well, like, you hear about those guys. It's got to be about having fun with your friends on Twitch, yeah you know is that guy pootie pie pootie pie he's still on there i don't know whatever i know one of them is like cool with drake and stuff ninja oh was that his name ninja yeah i thought it was like monkey or some shit that's cool yeah get like cool rap friends on your video game thing. So anyway.

Anyway. What were you up to? A little text message? Yeah, yeah. The girl who lives upstairs. Asked me what I was up to. Packages got lost. Ask her what she's wearing.

Yeah, tell her I said what's up. Ask her what she's wearing. She said she's wearing a picture of you being raped by a man. A picture? How do you explain? That's what she said. Don't ask me any more questions. I'm done repeating things that the woman said.

Is it on a dress? I don't have to put up with this. I'm not on trial here. Did she ask what I was up to? I would love to be on trial for rape or murder. Be like, look, I'm not on trial here. Yes, you are. Literally, you couldn't be more on trial

than you are right now. I still love the idea of the prosecutor being like, ladies and gentlemen, have you ever considered that it takes one to know one? That's so funny. I'm a simple country lawyer. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm a simple faggot. I'm a simple country faggot.

I'm a simple ass faggot. Down home Alabama homosexual. I'm what you would call a gay man. I love going to the watering hole, looking at boys, watching the high school football team practice. I would like to swim in a... In a watering hole? In a watering hole. In the South or in Africa where elephants...

I think upstate New York you can find some nice swimming holes. I don't want to swim in a swimming hole. I want the ocean, baby. The Atlantic. The Atlantic's dirty as fuck. Every pussy's a swimming hole when your dick's half the size of a braille bump. Yeah, that is true for some guys. But not us.

I ran a little cabin in the Poconos a couple weeks. Do you have a hot tub? There was a hot tub and it sucked. What? What do you mean it sucked? Well, I was expecting to be good, but you get in there and you just feel sick. It's just like cooking your insides.

Maybe it was too hot. See, you know, I'm not about pleasure. You're not. You really aren't. I felt better walking barefoot through the snow without my shirt on. That felt good to me. You should get into Russian baths because it's really unpleasant and hurts,

but then afterwards you feel good. I would like to knife fight a man while completely nude. Yeah, like in Eastern Promises. Yeah, for sure. We should get some of those tattoos. Yeah. The only Eastern Promise I've ever heard is Yeah, no MSsg we swear

good luck keeping that one fellas and that's my my daily dig on the chinese yeah thank god take that you really let them off the hook you fucking orientals yeah um there was a there was a flavor of ramen that was just called oriental yeah it seems pretty racist it does seem oriental Oriental just means Eastern. That's what the word means. They orient. But what flavor was that shit? They already had shrimp.

They already had beef. They already had chicken. You tell them. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I want to know what flavor my fucking ramen packet is. I'm on your side here. Thank you, Nick.

I'm backing you up. Thank you. You're in your fight with the Maruchan Company. Fuck the Maruchan Company. Fuck the Maruchan Company. Spicy, that was a flavor? Anything can be spicy. Spicy's not a fucking flavor. All right.

Well, I mean, now you've lost me. No. You can have spicy chicken. You can have spicy beef, spicy pork, spicy shrimp. With just spicy? Spicy ramen. No, man. Yes.

No, what flavor's the broth? Is it just spicy? Ramen. It's just ramen. Yeah, it's just spicy. No, man. Yes. No, what flavor is the broth? Is it just spicy? Ramen. It's just ramen. Yeah, it's just spicy. No, fuck that. Come on. That's why I'm out on the Marushin Company.

Now you're being difficult. I am being difficult. I am very particular. If you get that shit from Costco, it is so cheap. I don't, I'm not eating that. I'm eating clean, baby. It's really bad for you. Those little packets are just filled with garbage.

Sodium packets? Yeah. Baby, I'm eating motherfucking clean. Chicken little packets are just filled with garbage. Baby, I'm eating motherfucking clean chicken souvlaki, fucking sweet potatoes, asparagus. Baby, it's cold inside my ass. Please warm it up. Please warm it up. I really don't think I should be eating your ass. Baby, please eat my ass

Put your thumbs in my ass An updated version where they're having consensual sex. And he's trying to talk her into ass play. Just piss on my face I really should go home, please I should have left earlier. I really should go home, please. I should have left earlier. So you fell to see Infinity War without me, huh?

I didn't see it yet. I saw it. I just saw Black Panther for the first time. We just talked about that. I'm trying to see Infinity Black. What is that? Just a black screen? Yeah, sure. It's just no movie?

Yeah, the blackest movie. It's just a movie. It's not playing. The TV's off. Yes, girl! This is representation. This is the most powerful. Go off!

Yeah. This is an answer to Kanye's hijinks. The black movie. You really must fuck me in the ass. Yeah. If anybody's... Now she's saying that she's renting out... She's looking for a roommate for next month.

Nice. If anyone wants to live above Nick... If anybody wants to live above Nick... Oh, what a mistake. Don't. If you want to have constant access to the noises coming out of Nick's apartment, which are like saw noises, and then the F word, and then the slur, and then the F word and then the slur. And then some more drilling and hammering.

And sounds and power tools. You have to take a 10-minute slur break. A Chinese person saying the N word. That's a good mashup there. That's where Nick works on his real avant-garde, too hot for TV material. That's where I work out all these bits that are definitely completely filled out.

Oh, yeah. We're all reading from a script right now. Yep. If you want to hear nine hours of a man practicing, ladies and gentlemen, I'm a Simple Country faggot. Oh, man. By the way, I saw Ian do, speaking of Simple Country, you know what. I saw Ian do the bit on stage.

What? He said he's a gay vampire. And then he said the punchline was, I want to suck your penis. What makes him a gay vampire? Why did he say that? I mean, it was part of a gay werewolf. He's talking about being bi, and sometimes you look like a gay werewolf. Whatever, that was fine.

But Ivan to suck your penis. I love when Ian gets political on stage. Yeah, yeah. It's like, Ian, we're all just people, man. He's like, you're so stupid. Like, we're all stupid. None of us should be talking about politics but you are especially dumb he screenshotted a tweet of his and put it on instagram the other day and it made

no sense right nine zero zero and people were commenting i think andy hayes there's some some people were commenting like what the fuck does this even mean like why did you feel it necessary i feel bad he's probably going cross post this yeah well at least is is he on the wagon uh i think he fell off actually you know what i mean not on drugs but i think on man's pieces no oh well i'm back on the gay way back on the gay wagon let's look them up here. Ian. Fuck. E-Animal. E-Animal. Yeah, there was a... There's another really funny one I say.

Are you talking about the one about Michelle Wolf? Maybe. I'm really quite gay. I'm looking for the... Yeah, Andy wrote, I can't believe you tried to call me out for a bad tweet and then screenshot this. Damn.

The end tweet is, LOL Republicans, colon. These jokes are out of control. Attacking a mother and a woman. It's only okay to attack a woman with pen and legislation. What? What are you talking about? The politipod. With pen and legislation.

Yeah. There was one where he responded to that guy, Ike Baradolz, the guy from You Spout It Down. Oh, I saw that one. Who was making a joke. And he's like, oh, great. He didn't understand it was a joke. That guy unfollowed me, so I'm on the inside now. Oh, really? Why'd he unfollow you?

I don't know. Same reason any other fucking celebrity follows me for a week or so, or used to, and then would unfollow me. Shout out to Anthony Bourdain for being the only guy that's like... Never unfollowed. Never unfollowed. Been there from the fucking get-go. Anthony Bourdain followed me when I had

like 250 followers. Really? Whoa. Yeah. That's big. The first celebrity followers I had when I had like 200 followers or so. Chrissy Teigen. Chrissy Teigen, Anthony Bourdain, and then Rob Dyrdek.

Oh, cool, dude. Bobby D. Yeah. What about Big, dude? He didn't follow? No. Is he from D.C. or his skate company is just called that? I don't think he's from D.C.

He is. Shuts up Padma Lakshmi, my celebrity follower. Really? She likes some of my stuff. Padma, thank you so much. From Top Chef? Top Chef. Oh, cool. She fucks... What's his name?

Here are the people that are unfollowing me. She fucks Salman Rushdie. Please don't speak about her in that vulgar tone. She was married to him, but please don't say that. She was married to him. Please don't say that about my good friend Padma, okay? I won't, dude. Don't disrespect her. I don't understand why people would fuck Salman Rushdie.

He fucks, dude. He's hideous. You know, I mean, some people just have other stuff about them. And he's a coward. He's a coward because he wouldn't return to face his crimes in Iran. Yes. Absolutely. You would go toe-to-toe with the Iranian government, huh?

Oh, yeah. No, first of all, if you want to talk shit on the fucking prophet, you better stand by it. You better step to this. I have never cowered from any of the numerous fatwas against me. If you don't think there's fatwas against me, you don't know who you're talking to. That's so true. You don't know who you're talking to.

Why? The Muslims are mad at me. Al Pacino. I did a little drawing. Al Pacino. I did a little drawing. Al Pacino in Fatima. Why do the Muslims dislike the drawing? Yeah, Al Pacino's a naive boardwalk caricature guy. Who did Muhammad surfing.

The scent of a turban. It smells terrible. Wow. The scent of a turban? Yeah, yeah. The scent of these calves, right? Do you ever wash this thing It smells like old cum

That brown cum You ever leave an old Cummed up sock outside On the tool shed Where you fuck your socks That's what this turban smells like. Hell yeah. Hell yes.

The scent of a turban. I really must get fucked in the ass and baby I'm gay I'm gay inside baby it's gay outside yeah that's a fun one that's smart too

oh you gotta go smart absolutely brother you gotta do smart bits you know that's why that's how Hari Kondabolu

is gonna stop Donald Trump you know with this this new special of his that I guarantee you is so funny. Really good. You know why? Because I know he has the right opinions.

And that's what makes good comedy. Good points. It's having the good points. You know who's not funny? Nick DiPaolo. Definitely not. You know what's not funny at all? The television show The Simpsons.

Yeah. That's something that's definitely not funny. Not in any way. Hari is a thousand times funnier than The Simpsons. That's the point of the documentary. That would be so good if that was the point. By the way, I'm funny. You guys can admit.

I decided to watch the show The Simpsons to point out how unrealistic a poo is. It would be great if that documentary was made by a guy that's just a poo. That would be really good. It's entirely. Of course, yes, I work at 7-Eleven, but not all Indian people work.

For example, my uncle, he owns a Dippin' Tots. We are not all 7-Eleven employees, and we don't talk like this. Some of us are deaf. Shouts out to Dunkin' Donuts also. Whatever happened to Dippin' Dots, by the way? Is it still kicking? Those dots are still dipping that ice cream.

It's the future, dude. It was the ice cream of the future when we were children. Does that mean we're living in that ice cream now It's the future, dude. It was the ice cream of the future when we were children. Does that mean we're living in that? It's the ice cream now. That is such a bad joke. Yeah, put that in the act. Thank you. It was in the future when we were kids.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Let's go back to, baby, please fuck my ass. I mean, yes. It's just a fucking... I'm Tom Griffin, baby. You're doing a dick-sucking vampire thing.

That's on point. Yeah, I didn't do it on stage. No, dick-sucking vampire thing. Yeah, I didn't do it on stage. No, dick-sucking vampire. This is the stage. This is not the stage. This is an abomination. This is the stage. I had an interview with Mike Diesel where somebody's interviewing him.

It was like Harrisburg one-nighter with Leonardo. And he's like, you really fall in love with the process. It's all about it. I used to be more animated on stage. I would do a lot of voices. And then you fall in love with the process. It's all about... I used to be more animated on stage. I would do a lot of voices. Then you fall in love with the writing. It's all about the page of the stage. He says that. He goes,

the page of the stage. What an artist. What a craftsman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was I going to say? What were we laughing about yesterday? You're laughing about something? I don't know. Were we laughing about something?

How little your nuts are? Oh, yeah. Retard neighborhoods. We were talking about retard. Oh, go ahead, boys. Yeah, we were like, hey, before all these fucking hipsters showed off, this was a retard neighborhood. This was just a working class retard neighborhood. Until these fucking faggot hipsters had to come around with their handlebar mustaches.

Baby, please suck me off. Were you watching fucking Instagram stories, Nick? Yeah, I'm bored. We're supposed to be doing the show. I'm bored with what's being said. So here's the thing, man. Dipping dots. Let's go. It's not dipping dots with what's being said. So here's the thing, man. Dipping Dots. Okay? Let's go.

Okay. It's not Dipping Dots. It's Dipping Dots. Oh, now he's the fucking expert, huh? Okay, now he's the fucking expert on Dipping Dots. I've been an expert the whole time. First of all, I brought up Dipping Dots. I made the reference to Dipping Dots. I know everything there is to know about Dipping Dots. What are the flavors, bitch?

Future vanilla. Future chocolate. flavors, bitch? Future vanilla. Future chocolate. Damn, you got me there. Von Farley. It would be great if you go back to 1993 and Dippin' Dots had an ice cream flavor called Donald Trump is the President. You're like, that's a weird name for an ice cream flavor. Damn, they really are. Wow, it's like The Simpsons.

It's because they're from the future. Yeah. Wow. There's another flavor called All Muslims Are Dead. What is that? Interesting flavor, David. Yeah. The Jews are finally in prison.

Interesting. Interesting taste. What would that even taste like? I don't know. Banana cream? That's true. Bill Cosby raped 68 women. It certainly wouldn't taste like pennies.

Yeah, it wouldn't taste like salmon. Yeah. You know? Wouldn't taste like fucking lox and bagels. Yeah. Which I've been craving a damn bagel. It's so good. I know.

I fucking know. I haven't had a bagel in a while. Bagels? You to save you. You move to New York and eat nothing but bagels and pizza for the first six months. And then you get over it. Yeah, you get over it. And bodega sandwiches. I haven't had one in forever.

I still go bodega. I still get a little pastrami egg and cheese almost every day. It's so nice. Just for six bucks. The way I change it up is I go to different bodegas. Oh, interesting. A little sampling. But you stick with the... Pastrami egg and cheese. I go to different bodegas. Oh, interesting. A little sampling. But you stick with the

pastrami egg and cheese. I like that move. Because they all got different styles. Do you do scrambled eggs or do you do over-cooked? Scrambled.

I like them hard. You know what's a real power move? Real flex power move? Pulling out a gun and making a guy suck your dick. The bacon egg and cheese.

Bodega bacon egg and cheese. I think you're wrong, Adam. I think pulling out a gun and making a guy suck your dick is the real power move. Can I get a pastrami, egg, and cheese? Good morning. Yeah, no, get down on your feet. What? What's going on?

And no one in the store knows how to react. The man's just sucking your dick to completion before the police can show up. Nobody helps him. His girlfriend's there, and she's like, I don't completion before the police can show up. Nobody helps him. His girlfriend's there, and she's like, I don't know if we can be together anymore. Yo, the only episode of The Shield I watched, I just was like flipping through channels. And then you saw Michael Chiklis,

and you're like, that's me. There's somebody that looks like me. This must be the me channel. No, the me channel is bread. You're Michael Dickless. No, fuck. All right, that's pretty good. That one is pretty good.

I have to give you that. Yeah, yeah. I begrudgingly have to give you that burn. But there was just a scene where the Latino... Was it Jimmy Schmitz? Is that the guy? Jimmy Schmitz. Jimmy Schmitz was in it?

Jimmy Schmitz, who has the world's most asymmetrical face does he take a picture of jimmy schmidt to bring it into photoshop and mirror one side to the other and you'll see how fucked up and asymmetric he's got one eye that's like two and a half inches above the other how did he become a famous movie star i don't know he's more of a tv guy yeah he's not really a famous movie star did he ever run i feel like he had a TV guy. Yeah, he's not really a famous movie star. He's a fucking character actor. Did he ever run? I feel like he had a run. He wasn't a character actor.

He just played cops in various forms. That's exactly what a character actor is. A character actor can do different characters, right? No, you can be a character actor that's... Does one type of character? Yeah, that's like pigeonholed or whatever. Yeah, look at his stupid eye. Oh, wow.

That's not... not yeah he really looks like he got punched in the face you're right but he looks he looks interesting though wait what was happening on this show he like busts like some fucking drug guy he gets to the scene of a crime like 15 minutes before anybody else can get there and the two guys just make make it or he tells backup to leave like it was everyone was like gone and then the two guys just make it or he tells backup to leave like everyone was like gone and then the two guys come back and it's two versus one and they make him suck their dicks

and I was like, this show is fucking... They made Jimmy Smith suck their dicks. Yeah, it was so weird. It was like these... And then he doesn't say anything because it's like a shame. Wait, hold on.

For being gay. I have to watch this episode of the show. I swear to God, dude. It was so weird. What? Yeah. And I was like, what the fuck on a show is this? It was like on FX and shit.

And then out of curiosity, I followed up with the show. And there's an arc where his wife literally says what you said, Nick, where it was like, I don't know if we could be together. Couldn't you have done something to stop it? He's getting victim blamed for getting raped. No, I know. I mean, I'm a television writer. I understand where that story should go.

It was so fucking weird, man. Yeah, hold on. Hold on. Yeah, I'm reading a review of it, but I wanted to make a minute to write about one of the things I found most striking about the show, the storyline in which a male character is sexually assaulted. Yeah, dude, it's fucking weird.

Wow. Yeah, Captain David Acevedo gets jumped by two criminals Who manage to disarm him and force him at gunpoint To perform oral sex on one of them It's so fucked up While the other snaps pictures on his cell phone The assault is hugely upsetting, if not explicit We can hear Acevedo choking and later

Back in the barn Wait, they played the Gucks? Gagging in the bathroom And his trauma doesn't end with the attack One of the most shocking and upsetting things about... ...about Acevedo's experience is how his wife treats him when she finds out what's happening

and shaming him for letting the men emasculate him. Wow. Acting as if it's impossible that he would be disarmed and turning away from him rather than comforting him. Wild. Later, when he struggles with failure and feels like he isn't making sufficient process,

she tells him, I'm tired of feeling like I was raped, too. It's a nasty line. It'd be great, too, if on the show he's telling the therapist, and the therapist pulls out a gun. It'd be great if that character just is constantly being forced to suck big at gunpoint. Yeah, I mean, he really took a serious L. And I think it was like, It would be great if that character just is constantly being forced to suck big at gunpoint.

Yeah, I mean, he really took a serious L. And I think it was like... Wow. And I think he was like Michael Chiklis' main antagonist or whatever. Or the guy who's trying to bust him or some shit. Or is on his tail. So it's like the way Michael Chiklis gets some leeway is because the guy gets fucking raped. And so he's not as like... So wait, Michael Chico's is like

Internal Affairs? No, Michael Chico's is a dirty cop. Oh, Michael Chico's is a dirty cop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and he's like Internal Affairs. I don't know if he's Internal Affairs, but I think he like he's starting to figure out something's fucked up. He's a Serpico. Oh, no, I don't want to watch this, man. No, that's just some kids molesting each other

on YouTube. Oh, no. Hold on. I don't want to watch this scene, dude. I don't want you guys to get gagged and shit. Come on, dude. I have to see this. I mean, they made this TV show. It's already made. That is a good point.

That is a good point. He doesn't have to make it himself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you got me there, man. I got to admit. That's a salee. It doesn't exist. That shit is so funny, dude.

Yeah, dude. It was so fucked up. And I was just like, just channel surfing, like looking to kill some time. And I see a traumatic, like, rape scene. Was it sun out? No, it was late. It was late. It was like, I was having trouble sleeping, and I'm just like looking for something to

like, put me to bed. You see Jimmy Smith. I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? Jesus Christ. Yeah, dude. It sucked. That's wild. You see Jimmy Smith. I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? Jesus Christ. Yeah, dude. It sucked. That's wild. That's so funny.

I got to watch that episode when I get home. I feel upset just thinking about it right now. Poor James Schmitz. Jimmy Schmitz's pants. Jimmy Schmitted himself after his... If I was in the police precinct, I'd be saying that. You'd be like, that's the actor's name. You're ruining the whole show.

These aren't your lines. You're an extra. It's the black guy from that show with Donnie Wahlberg. Hey, Donnie! Lawrence. Jimmy Smith is just on Conan the night before that episode. And Conan's like, how did you summon that emotion? How did you get into that head space?

And Jimmy Smith's like, well, my friend Eric, his personal trainer, great guy, he actually bought a gun. And he would just come into my house in the middle of the night and shove it in my face and force me to suck him off. And then the audience is like, whoo! He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that was going on for a couple weeks. And it turns out I actually kind of liked it.

So we had to dial it back. And then my wife was having to rape me at gunpoint so that I could not like the dick sucking anymore. And then I actually feel what it's like on the other side. That's great. We'll be right back with the Kings of Leon. Andy Richter's like, wow, wow, wow, Trump, whatever the fuck. Stupid ass Andy Richter. Got him.

Oh, yeah. You don't like him. Yeah, I don't like him at all. You don't? No, not really. I don't like him at all you don't no not really I don't really know the guy or his content his twitter just sucks

oh does he yeah yeah yeah yeah he gets retweeted every once in a while but I don't when he went off on that like 17 year old girl seriously

he found some tweet it wasn't being retweeted it was a tweet with like four retweets from like a 17 year old girl that's like depression fake AF. Like, you know, get a real problem or something.

And he, in nine tweets, he's like, fuck you. And, like, quote tweeted this child. It was not a big tweet. Not a big tweet. Not directed at him. He found a tweet calling depression fake. He's looking for someone to talk to. And he looked at it, he found it, and he, like, just fucking, like, harassed a child. Damn. He's looking for someone to talk about depression. And he just fucking

harassed a child. He's like, I had to pull over. You don't know what I deal with. As a guy who's had six sitcoms and has been dragged all the way to the top of Hollywood by his way more talented friend. You literally don't have a real problem.

Yeah. Except harassing a fucking child. Did you see the Chinese dress girl? Which Chinese dress girl? Last week, there was some girl who posted pictures at prom wearing like an Asian style dress,

but she was white. And then she just got dragged for cultural appropriation. There was like a tweet that was like, with like 150,000. Yeah, I guess I don't get that. It's like, aren't you allowed to do a different style of dress from I guess I don't get that. It's like, aren't you allowed to do a different style of dress from somewhere?

I don't get it. The answer is no. White women aren't allowed to do anything that even remotely resembles any other culture. No, but there was like an Asian SJW girl who was like, I would never wear a Chinese dress. I would never wear a Japanese dress. I would never wear a Korean dress.

I would only wear... Because I do I would never wear a Korean dress. I would only wear... Because I do not know what kind of Asian I am. Because I forgot and I wrote it down somewhere and what am I supposed to do? Look in the mirror? I can't tell either. If you lose the keychain

they give you when you're born, that's it. You'll never know what kind of Asian you are after that. God forbid. What we need is better measures to help Asian people remember what type of Chinese they are

before it's pushed out by math homework. But what the fuck is the difference between wearing a... They're just bullying a child basically For wearing a dress Are you not allowed to eat other foods? Is it just clothes? Now here's what I don't understand

Riddle me this Okay let's hear it Listeners My fellow Americans This is what I want to know Suddenly It's cultural appropriation right? This is something that's wrong

For a woman A white woman To wear the dress Of a different culture. But it's totally fine for a man to appropriate the clothes of a woman. Yes, yes. To go into the bathroom, to walk into any church in America, go into the bathroom, rape a child. Next to a little girl.

That is legal. In Obama's America, he's still making all the laws I don't like. He's coming in and anything that I dislike, he's doing somehow. And he said, and this is a direct quote from Barack Obama himself, ooga booga, it's legal to rape children. That's what he said. Whoa. That's fucked up.

You're listening to Don Fuck. That's what he said. Whoa. Yeah. That's fucked up. You're listening to Don Fuck. Damn, bitch. I got a hard penis. Yeah. Well, boys. Are we... Is that the show? I think so.

Yeah, that is the show. Funny Moms is Monday. Yes. Also, when is this going up? I think so. Yeah, that is the show. Funny Moms is Monday. Yes. Also, when is this going up? This is going up tomorrow. Oh, it's Tuesday. The 9th. Happy birthday, Nick and George,

my little beautiful brothers. Happy birthday to me, too. My name is also Nick. No, your birthday's in December. No, it's April. But also, happy birthday to me. Guys, make sure to wish me a happy birthday. I like it.

It feels good. I also like being thanked and apologized to. So if you want to just send me a little thank you, I'm sorry, happy birthday note. Yes, Funny Moms on the 14th. We have a bunch of shows, but I don't think any of them are... May 18th, I am in Philadelphia

with Mike Racine. He called me this morning. I gotta call him back. Okay. Well, if you check my Instagram bio, I have the link to the tickets in there. 8 p.m. show is sold out, the late one. It's also going to be the same exact material I did when I filled in for Stop. So if you saw that show, don't bother coming, folks.

This is going to be some shit. Master of promotion. Regular, what's his name? PT Barnum. I'll tell you what. The shows will sell out no matter what. How about this regular PT Barnum. Yeah, well, I'll tell you what. The show's a sellout no matter what. How about this? DP Barnum.

Yeah, dude, I like that. And it's a big... Ladies and gentlemen! And then he just takes the top hat off and bends over. A bunch of clowns fuck his ass. It's the greatest show on earth. He sets his asshole on fire. The greatest ass on earth.

And that's the show, folks. Right. Goodbye. It's the most wonderful time of the year at Seneca Resorts and Casinos. Book with us by February 29th and receive a free gift valued at up to $30. Room rates start at just $55 for Seneca Allegheny or $65 for Seneca Niagara. Enjoy luxury four-diamond accommodations, world-class gaming, exquisite dining, and more. Hurry, this offer ends February 29th.

Book now at SenecaCasinos.com. Seneca Resorts and Casinos. Nothing else comes close.