The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 103 – easily the worst episode in awhile

Episode Date: May 17, 2018

this one is really bad. it happens sometimes. maybe its the rain

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Hello and welcome to the Big Ass Dick Hour. I'm your host, Andy Dick Hour. We gotta do something a little different this time in terms of the live reads. Okay. Because they complained about... About what? Doing them at the same time. Oh, okay. Oh they complained about... About what? Doing them at the same time. Oh, okay.

Oh, we got to split them up? We got to time this differently. Yeah. Should we start with one and then halfway through do another? No, because they were like, oh, well, the audience is... What happens when you do them

at a certain point, the audience knows it's advertising time, so they stop listening. Which, like... They want to hear the rest of the show, though. If somebody's going to go through the hassle of being... Well, not when you do good-ass reads like us.

Yeah, when they're funny. They said that, too. They said because we do good ones that it's not a problem. We still have to do the rules of rules. First of all, don't come to Comptown with rules. That's right. Except we are going to follow them, it sounds like. Well, just because I like having two different timers.

You should get a second. They said that, and then I developed a system. Yes, you started programming immediately. Once there was an opportunity for new systems to be put in place. I got my replacement bonsais today. What do you mean replacement? Because he killed the old ones at the old apartment. Oh, so you just bought new ones.

Right. Things are disposable. The store didn't say we sold you malfunctioning bonsais. Oh, no. Sorry, I don't start beefs with customer service departments to get shit for free. That's what you do constantly. The word replace to me.

You get Amazon Prime for free because you constantly yell at Amazon on the phone. No, not constantly. Because they lose his coverage. Yeah, because USPS misses my packages and you just call Amazon and you say, yeah, USPS lost. So that's exactly what you just described. No. You're saying you get something for free because you complain to customer service. You're constantly yelling at Amazon, which is not true.

If something doesn't show up, you call Amazon and you say, hey, did it show up? And they go, okay, here's a month of Prime for free. And you say, oh, thanks. That is true. And I think that the bonsai tree people deserve the same kind of treatment. I didn't get a bonsai. I bought a new fucking bonsai tree. I'm just saying theoretically, if they sold you a faulty bonsai tree, one that was on fire or something like that,

you get home and it's messed up. All right, that's enough. I mean, I feel like we've had it. There is a glee, though. You do enjoy when someone fucks something up. I hate the post office, but that's an extension of my hatred of the federal government. That's right, that's right. That's you copying Marc Maron.

What do you mean it's me copying Marc Maron? Marc Maron's thing is hating the post office. What is all this projection you're doing today? It's called teasing. It's called playful teasing. Your biggest criticism of anyone is that they're Marc Maron, which is some internal fear you have. An annoying Jew who people only listen to because of his podcast.

But at least Marc did it all himself. Right, exactly. Damn, you're like double Mark Maron, Adam. Yeah, it's true. Thank you. Are you going to start playing guitar? I already play guitar. Remember when Mark Maron started playing guitar on his shit?

That's when I was like, I can't listen to this shit anymore. There's a picture of him shredding. I've never listened to one episode of What the Fuck ever in my life. There's a couple good ones. The one with Big J is hilarious, actually. The only one i listened to i listened to because i was in some girl's car and we had to like drive to dallas or something she's like i wasn't a mark maron who was this person just some dumb bitch um dallas huh yeah weren't you telling me that everyone in dallas

is like is jacked? Yeah, the whole comedy scene. Yeah, that's the only scene with jacked comedians. There's no fat guys. I'm sure Los Angeles has it, too. No, they're fat, but then they're also fat and jacked. But they got big traps, but they got big necks. That's my shit, dude.

I'm going to have big traps, big arms. People are just big there in general. I'm going to have a little stomach, a little cushion for the pushing, for when a girl's perched upon my beautiful, glistening, oiled-up body. Natural oils, by the way. I don't need no other fucking shit. What, you mean secretions?

Secretions. That's right. Sexual secretions. I'm like a fucking dodo that gets its fucking feathers all glistening. When it's fucking... There's got to be a bird that like... Do do's spit on themselves? I don't know, but I'm thinking...

Do do's don't exist. I like it. I do have to come up with any bird and you pick the only one that doesn't exist. Yeah, because there's no way to fact check me, motherfuckers. Well, you could read that there's a book or an encyclopedia, probably.

No. No. No, there isn't. There was no bird research at the time. I do respect what birds do to get pussy. You like birds? No, I actually hate birds. I really don't like them.

But I respect what they do to get pussy. They all have like dances and like... How the guys have like colorful plumage to get pussy. And then the girls are all like gray. Exactly. Well, some girls are pretty. Some birds are pretty girls. Hummingbirds probably fuck fast.

Fast and loose. Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? What animal do you admire, Nick? Admire? I don't know if I admire any. You don't admire any animals? No.

You don't like any? I think mandrills are pretty cool. What's a mandrill? It's that baboon with face paint. Oh, yeah. Those rock. I like how... Blue faces?

That gives to show you what our asses would look like If we never wiped our asses All monkeys' asses are so fucked up They have poop in their asses It's mostly baboons That's gotta hurt, bro Baboons have those swollen asses That looks horrible

That's like a secondary sex characteristic of baboons They develop that huge ass to attract mates Really? So the thicker the baboon, the more pussy? It's like you gotta be careful with any of that shit because it just sounds racist. Why? Saying thick baboons get pussy?

I guess, yeah. Dude, it's not racist to me. They grow their ass out to attract mates. I'm not talking about baboons. It would be funny if that's the thing someone takes out of context and ruins you although what way would that even be possible but like i've given you plenty of things in context but that's what i mean it would be it would be hilarious if it was something out of context

just in context i think we do at least three different types of mentally disabled characters per show you took that out of context the context was me saying it to other racist guys that enjoyed the thing I was saying. No, it wasn't me. It was the character Gay Retard saying it. So I'm... It was satire. It was Lieutenant Faggot.

It was a satire on our military. United States Gay Army, formerly known as the Marines. It was a satire on our military. United States Gay Army, formerly known as the Marines. That's their character. Sir, yes, sir. I am gay, sir. At ease. That just means unclench your asshole on his dick.

That's what at ease means in that scenario. And the saluting, they have like a dildo, and then they get all straight, and they plug it in their mouth. Bloop, bloop. Damn, I can't wait to join the gay army. Yeah, formerly known as the U.S. Marines. Formerly known as the U.S. Marines. Hoorah.

Suck per fuck. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Semper gay. Semper bi. Semper bi. Semper bi. That's good. Yeah.

Do they have a snake in any of their stuff? No, right? Or do they have like an eagle or some shit? The only place that has a snake is like the... The Gadsden flag? The medical... Whatever that... Oh, yeah.

Staff with the snakes around them. Oh, yeah. It's like a torch or something. It's crazy how long they've been using that symbol. And it still goes on ambulances. And it's been around for like 2,000 years. 2,000 years? Something like that.

It's old. It's from like Egyptians? Yeah, it's like a Roman thing. Wow. I think. Yeah, I don't know what it is. But, yeah. I mean, nothing's been around that long.

Nope. Except for ash eating. Yeah. Judaism mean, nothing's been around that long. Nope. Except for ass-eating. Judaism. Sure. It is weird how long Judaism's been sticking around. It's just one dumbass religion that's just bad bugs. It's not even that many people. They are like bad bugs.

Impossible to get. Once too many of them poke their heads, we're going to get rid of them. But then they go into hiding. Although now they're getting, now at their nest, they're getting pretty... Their nest is getting...

They're getting a little aggressive over at their nest. I'm just saying. We're going to get a bed of our own. And they still just took someone else's bed. Again. They did it again. I don't know what you're talking about, Stav.

I saw there was a lovely ceremony with Jared and Ivanka. That's true. In Jerusalem. To celebrate. Oh, yeah. We talked about it on the live show, but we haven't talked about it on the actual show, have we? Or did we do it already? The brutality in Gaza.

Yeah. I think we've addressed it. I don't think so, because this is our first show, isn't it? Yeah, it is. Since the kite flying incident. Since those terrorists. What is it? It's kite bombs?

They said there were kites that were on fire. What if a little bit of ash fell from the sky under my suit? That is pathetic. They were like, oh, they were strapping bombs to kites. A little bit of ash fell from the sky under my suit. That is pathetic. They were like, oh, they were strapping bombs to kites. First of all, I don't think a kite would work if they did that. Second of all, do you know what a fucking kite is?

It's attached to them. Right, right, right. It's just going to go back to them. There's a string that they're holding. You don't know how long that string is. Yeah. Why didn't they just throw the bomb? Because Israel doesn't allow, like, anything into Gaza. It's pretty much sealed off from the rest of the world.

So all they have is kite bombs and rocks, basically. There's no way they had a bomb, though, right? That's bullshit. I mean, they used to have rockets from Iran, the Katyusha rocket. Nice. But then there was, like, this brutal Israeli invasion of Gaza, and they leveled hospitals. That's pretty cool.

Yeah, it's great. A lot of goodwill. I was saying on Real House Podcast, this is a little 3D chess move by Donald Trump. He solved Korea. Yes, he did. Only president capable of doing that. That's right.

Solved Korea, broke Iran. He literally solved Korea. Yes, he did. Only president capable of doing that. That's right. Solved Korea, broke Iran. He literally solved Korea. He's going to solve Iran, and he's going to solve Israel. What do you mean he's going to solve Iran? There was already a deal. He's going to solve Iran. What do you mean he's going to solve it? You'll see.

Oh, yeah. Nick can't say right now, but he's got some insider intel. You don't know what he's thinking. right now, but he's got some insider intel. You don't know what he's thinking, but I mean, who would have thought that he just figured out the perfect amount of saber-rattling and insults with North Korea

to get them to... It's almost like a Jedi mind trick. The man's in control at all fucking times. It's a character he's playing. It's a level of diplomacy the world has never seen. He's really a Dan Whitney, but on Twitter, he's a Larry the Cable guy. Don't hit me.

Please, please don't hit me. What? It's a rubber band. Yeah, but I got hit in the eye as a kid with the rubber band. I wouldn't like that. Please, put that away. I don't like it. Don't point rubber bands at me.

Nick has a little rubber band gun. Bro, if I was Israeli and you were fucking from Gaza right now, I would have fucking killed you for that. Of course. Yeah, I would have snip and you were fucking from Gaza right now, I would have fucking killed you for that. Of course. Yeah, I would have sniped you. You could have made the finger gun. You have to kill them before you use the finger gun. Well, they say he's three years old, but next year

he's four, then five, then 17. That's at a soldier's age. Well, are we supposed to wait until then? So true. That's a good Netanyahu, dude Thank you He's got like a Boston accent Philly Yeah, what's up with B.B.?

Is he from here? He went to like high school in America Oh, so my man And that's why like Americans like him They're like, yeah, we like him Because he speaks proper English He took the time to learn our language He didn't have that weird French But not French accent that all Israelis have.

Anyway, my theory is that Donald has somehow made Israel do this. Well, yeah, he switched the embassy to Jerusalem. He switched the embassy. He tricked them into doing something so obscene that the world finally comes around. And by world i mean america the western world and he has to say something you know somebody will say something to me like i gotta say something pretty fucked up what israel did and then they will move us to finding a solution by nuking israel uh that's the opposite of what happened yesterday i know it's the opposite but

they said that all of the palestinian deaths were the responsibility of hamas that was the white house statement really said congratulations to israel on twitter well he said congratulations on the embassy the embassy but i mean it was the timing was like exactly when well those two things were happening simultaneously they're happening simultaneously, but as the fucking New York Times headline comes out that 41 people are dead, then he tweets congratulations. Oh, it's more now. It's like 50-something.

Okay. Damn. But, no, you'll see. Yeah. He wasn't congratulating them for killing 41 people. Obviously, you fucking imbecile, I know that, but they run concurrently and you put it in any context it's still going to fucking look bad i mean like it does look bad yeah it's look bad what who cares of course he's not congratulating them for killing people that would i don't think that i don't think anyone fucking thinks that

everyone's me released a video that was like pew pew pew nice shot boys yeah i guess what makes it own is that he did it i'm not giving a shit about the context or how it would look that he doesn't yeah i mean i don't yeah it was like when that split screen was crazy yesterday with like jared and ivanka at the ceremony laughing and then just like children being shot on the other side of the screen it was fucking insane. Yeah. It looks pretty badass if you ask me. Yeah, pretty cool, dude.

Pretty cool. Of Jared. Here's the thing we don't know. Jared's the mastermind. He looks like a little fucking dumbass, bitchass twink, but... 100%, dude. It's him. Sometimes, in fact... He's KGB, dude.

He's in a Trump suit. You know what I mean? That's why he's so slender, to fit into that fat a Trump suit. You know what I mean? That's why he's so slender, to fit into that fat-ass Trump suit. That makes sense. What are you doing meal prep today? Today I had for breakfast three eggs and some turkey sausage. I had a spinach, berry, carrot, avocado with almond milk smoothie. Uh-huh.

And I have some chicken thighs marinating in lemon juice. I just switched back to flavored BCAAs from the flavored ones. Yes. And that's my big move. I got Korean food last night. Ooh, hell yeah. What'd you get? Scallion pancake with kimchi and bulgogi.

Yes. Hell yes. Man, I mean, that's the secret Is to just go, you get very little But then you keep getting refills on the Banchan or whatever the fuck that is Oh, hell yeah Unlimited Yeah

It's like the cheese and the chili at 7-Eleven You're fucking right You just keep going back for more That's the way, I mean And now that we got North Korea and South Korea Double the appetizers That's so true. That's what I'm excited about.

Every Korean restaurant has to. It is funny that they're all starving to death, but you go to a Korean restaurant. It's unlimited Korean food. Somehow. Just the fish cakes that I've eaten could have fed. All I know about Korean cuisine is that you get as much of it as you want, and 90% of their population is starving to death. That's right. That's pretty cool.

I think that that works out well. So, now that we're doing the new break time, I would say, if you're wearing underwear, throw it out. Get rid of it. Get the fuck out of there. Wait, what is it, May? Never mind. We're done. So we're going to go another 15 minutes.

What? No, they only bought from April, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, wait, wait. But it's been May. It's been May for weeks. We already did two weeks of... Oh, okay.

Oh, okay. So, Stav, you went to the gym? Tell us how that went. I didn't go to the gym today. I know, but you've been to the gym. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, I was getting fucking shredissimo with my little brother, dude. We went to the Dundalk Gold's Gym, which, first of all, a beautiful place, dude.

It's so fucking good. There was just some fucking, like, jacked Latina woman. They have, like, the clothes in the lobby, but it's, like, cargo jean shorts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's purple camo jean shorts. Skate shoes. Yeah. Yeah, instead of a headband, it's like fucking an old-ass

Etnies hat for some reason. They serve, instead of a cooler with muscle milk and shit in it, there's just Four Loko and Chinese food. No joke, Jimmy's Seafood sells meal prep kits in there. I'm not even kidding. That's hilarious, dude.

I got Phillips brand whey. Lobster. I got that Old Bay whey Lobster I got that old bay whey, yo Yeah, that would be disgusting Oh my god, that would be so bad A scoop of old bay On Mother's Day, me and my brother worked out We worked out Friday and also on Mother's Day

That's a good gift for your mom, come home jacked Yep, let her text her Yeah, kiss your mom Mom, check this out You breastfed me and now I will breastfeed you On my juicy pecs Yeah, kiss your mom. Mom, check this out. You breastfed me, and now I will breastfeed you. Yep, I perked. On my juicy pecs. Yeah, pec feed you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just flex it. Do the pec fluttering thing in her mouth. And olive oil comes out. Yeah. You know? Man, it must be nice to be Greek. It is nice, dude.

It's a nice culture to have. It's a fun culture because it's like white, but also, you know, it's like not exactly white, but we southern you get it we get all the good stuff of being sure Mediterranean what kind of work out you do my little brother wanted to see like my max on some chest shit so I did some like fucking I max out at 70 dumbbells or whatever the fuck for each side just like flat bench like that yeah yeah so we did some of that. That's pretty good. Yeah, it was better than I thought, honestly.

Yeah, for having a fucked up shoulder. Yeah, and I hadn't been working out, like, I'd been working out a little bit on my own, but I was doing, like, lower weights.

But Nick also does a bunch of crate, like, he was doing, the first time we worked out, we did, like, a bunch of, like, PT type shit because he's, like, been, he got a lot of bands

and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, actually, deadlifted, too. Yeah? That was nice. I feel what you mean, dude. You feel powerful feel what you mean dude you feel powerful as shit oh yeah well it's the most amount of weight you can lift it rules dude yeah uh how many can you do i didn't well i didn't max out on that when he just wanted to like teach me form and shit yeah so i just did like one plate on each is he putting you on a program yeah he's designing a program get some spreadsheets together

he's he's in the lab right now, brother. Yeah, spreadsheeting it up. That's all Excel is for, I think. It's for meal prepping and putting together weight plans for your degenerate friends. Yeah, it's either for doing the dumbest, bitch-ass, most nerd shit of all time, or it's for getting jacked. I used to put up flyers that I could tutor people and whatever. And I had this scam going for a while. You just like tell them, bring their class material. And then whenever they ask you a question, be like, that's interesting.

What does the book say? And then you would just like, you would guide them through finding the answer themselves. And so I would do that. And this one girl hired me to teach her Excel. And I was like, oh, you're in a class for Excel. She's like, yeah, I was like, just bring all your course stuff. She's like, okay, it's really just a couple things I need help with. And then so she showed

up and she had already paid me the money. And she's like, how do I do this? And I'm like, that's interesting. Let's go to the help and we'll find it because on your own you'll need to do it this way. And she's like, can you just show me how to do it? And I was like, no. No, you have to learn.

She's like, show me that you even know how to open Excel? And I was like, no. No, you have to learn. Yeah, yeah. And she's like, show me that you even know how to open Excel. She just like demanded her money back. How much did she charge? $100. $100 an hour? Oh, yeah, dude.

I was ripping people off left and right. In Montgomery County? Yeah, because you got a bunch of rich, like fucking, a bunch of rich kids whose parents want them

to be good at school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's incredible, dude. What were your credentials? I taught some old man Photoshop, and I just never used Photoshop in my life. I was like, yeah, that looks good to me. Good job. I just met him in the library.

That's a beautiful scam, bro. Yeah, dude. What were you, like, 17? No, I was like 19, maybe. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Did you tell them? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, that's a, yeah. Did you tell them? Yeah, around that window.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, that's a good way. I used to actually work for Chris Berlick. I don't know if you know him. Oh, I remember Chris. Yeah, yeah. An autistic guy. And he would like refer people to me.

Because like his whole thing was he would just drive around D.C. like fixing people's computers, quote unquote. Right. And all you do is like, they're like, oh, my computer's running slow. You just show up, reinstall the operating system, go home, charge them $250. No matter what the issue is, you just always just back up their shit, reinstall the operating system, and leave. And it's like $250, $300.

I did it with this Nigerian family one time, and I showed up, and their computer was in the basement, and I literally just took a nap. I just went to sleep. Because the guy was trying to fucking lowball me he's like okay so i pay you a 75 i'm like no motherfucker no no no it's 200 and then he's like okay 150 you're trying to like haggle with me and i was like sure and then i just slept i didn't do anything you want to you want to haggle yeah i. Guess what? I'm doing my own type of haggling. That's right.

Where you get less work. That's right. You haggle money. Right. I haggle what I have. I haggle labor. My expertise of doing basically nothing. My already crazy scam of doing no work.

That's too much work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You literally could have napped while it was reinstalling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to this oldpped while it was reinstalling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to this old guy's house one time. He had, like, a problem. And it was like, oh, the printer is beeping or whatever. Like, there's a light blinking on the printer.

And I just, like, Googled it. And it just means it's, like, on. Oh. No, nothing. It was, like, literally nothing. It was, like, incredible. He's like, I don't think it used to do that. I'm like, well, it does now.

Yeah. And I was like, does it have trouble printing? He's like, no. And he's like, I was like think it used to do that. I'm like, well, it does it now. And I was like, does it have trouble printing? He's like, no. And I was like, yeah, just ignore it. It's not doing anything. And he was like, all right. He just gets his checkbook out, and he was like, $150. Like, thank you.

That's incredible, dude. I wouldn't even have the. That's how I moved to Austin with that money. Off scam money? No, thank you. That's incredible, dude. I wouldn't even have the... That's how I moved to Austin with that money. Off scam money? No, scam money. Yeah, I made like $5,000. Jesus Christ. And then I got back into that when I left Austin.

I got back into that to move to L.A. I was doing Craigslist. Craigslist scamming? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like, I'll fix any computer problem or whatever. Just don't do anything. Because you don't need to do it. They're not going to hire you again.

It's a one-time thing. Right. They've lost their money. And it's not like they know. You're already a town. I'm literally gone. Yeah, yeah. I'm literally living in a different city.

That's some old snake oil salesmanship. That's like, show up, sell a bunch of shit. Yeah, yeah. Tell them it'll take a week to kick in and you're already gone. My next move is doing that with home remodeling. Ooh, that's... Find somebody that's got, like, I want to redo my kitchen, come in there, bring all my

tools. Sledgehammer the walls. Take everything out. We're going to do an open concept. Destroy all the walls. You just, you turn all the cabinets upside down. Tape them all the walls. Yeah, yeah. You just, you turn all the cabinets upside down. You tape them to the ceiling. This is French, this is the French cabernet.

That's like the classic general contractor move, right? It's just like disappearing in the middle of a project. Taping the things upside down. Oh, yeah, taping the things upside down too, yeah. Now, they always just tell you, they just tell you it needs more shit while it's already underway. So you kind of like suck it in. Yeah, mechanicsing the things upside down too, yeah. Now, they always just tell you, they just tell you it needs more shit while it's already underway. So you're kind of like sucked in.

Yeah, mechanics do that too. Money-wise, yeah. Except my dad, who can't fucking haggle for shit. My dad always gets taken advantage of by people. Yeah. He's like, that's too much work. Yeah, and he does... He spends it all on material.

No joke, yeah, he really does. It's funny, because it's not my instinct at all. I'm always surprised when you go to any kind of shop or whatever, and they're like, yeah, I'll just take care of it. Like a deal from a mechanic or whatever. They're like, oh, don't worry about it. Like throwing a tire rotation. Yeah, it's goodwill.

Yeah, and it's like I would not. I would never do that. I know. Anything I'm doing, I'm going to charge you out the ass for it. Or it's like anything that's custom built or whatever, how little of a margin that those people actually have. Right. It's like if you spent all that time building furniture

and you paid for all those materials and shit. Yeah, well, my dad shouldn't do it. Everything should cost a million dollars. Yeah, and he does good work. He's just a fucking big ass motherfucker. What does he make, like cabinets and stuff? Yeah, custom cabinet work and shit like that.

It's really fucking nice. My dad used to do that for a while when we were growing up. Yeah, he had his own company, Closet Max. Come on. It was called Closet Max?

Yeah, and he used to say he wanted to call it Closet Queen and have the guys, like the installers, go in with pink shirts. He thought it was a really funny job.

That's a good bit. It still seems like it's a company about him being in the closet. Yeah, that's what a lot of people said to him when he he sliced off is the tip of his finger with a fucking like circular saw though whoa he like bled in this guy's house he's doing cat like which his finger look like now he got it like it was like hanging on by like a like half a you know layer of, and they reattached it.

I don't think you can feel the end of the finger, but it's there. Ooh, that's his finger popping. I did one of those to myself last year with a hole saw. Oh, yeah. That shit was fucked up. You can still see the fucking scar. Yeah, dude. I remember that shit.

There's no feeling in that. Your finger looked so fucked up for so long, and you just had dirty-ass bandages on it and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was fucking brutal. I thought you were going to get some kind of infection i mean i that's like what happens you know you do any kind of like you know thing you're gonna hurt yourself you do anything in life that's true i hurt myself cooking all the time i do i get burns cooking i have a i chop my finger cooking do you use mandolins no they're so fucking i slice my finger cooking. Do you use mandolins? No. They're so fucking... I slice my finger every time I use them.

But you get an even slice. Oh, it's beautiful. Speaking of meal stuff, I made fried plantains the other day. Ooh, look at this little Dominican grandmother. I grated some white cheese with brown sugar and a little bit of sea salt in a bowl. Damn, that sounds good as hell. I tossed the plantains in that afterwards. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. Marron. It's really tasty. Great. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Marron. It's really tasty. Great. Yeah, really good. Really good snack. If you guys are looking for an easy snack to make, fry up some plantains. You want to find the yellow plantains in the grocery store and find the ones that look like they're almost black.

So you get a real sweet plantain. There's a type, though, that's the green kind fried up. Tostones. Tostones. Tostones. Those you mash up into a... You know what I've been getting into? Shishito peppers.

Oh, I fuck with those. You ever fuck with shishitos? Fucking broil them bitches up. You know what I mean? They're really good. Ten minutes. They're good as hell, dude. Delicious.

They look like they're supposed to be spicy, but they're not. They're not spicy at all. Yeah. Which I would prefer a little more spice, but hey, what are you going to do? I just need things to replace fries in my life. Because I ate those with some chicken, and I just need things to replace fries in my life because I ate those with some chicken and I just snacked on them

as if they were fries. Right. I actually tricked my dumb brain into thinking I'm eating unhealthy. I got to stop with the goddamn wheat thins. They're killing me. Bro, also wheat thins

and fucking, especially, what the fuck are the other ones called? Triscuits? Triscuits are so not healthy, bro. A ton of sodium. There's three,

like four triscuits are like 190 calories. It's some wild shit. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I guess it's just the word thin is in the name of Wheat Thin, so you feel like you're making...

That sucks. Nick, you made some sauce recently? You've been on a sauce cake? Yeah. Sorry, I'm trying to find this copy. Oh, okay. Okay. Why don't you photocopy my dick?

Nick's been making a lot of sauces. Did you guys ever do that thing where you sit on a photocopier and do your ass cheeks? No, but I've always wanted to. I was always scared to do it. Because of the light? Yeah, the light. And you get your balls and shit. It did seem like sort of dangerous.

Yeah. I don't want my balls to get fucking... It's a classic gag. I don't want cancer on your balls. From what? Light? Xerox. It's a photocopy. It's light. I don't want my balls to get fucking... It's a classic gag. I don't want cancer on your balls. From what? Light? Xerox. It's a photocopy.

It's light. I don't know, man. I'm kind of with stuff. There's some chemicals in there. It seems dangerous. There's some chemicals in there. Yeah. Did you ever do it?

Did you ever put your ass on a Xerox? Never. I don't think I've ever used a Xerox. Really? You're never an office job guy. Yeah, I've never made a copy of anything. Whoa. I've used a scanner before. You've never gone to Kinko's to make copies of something? No, I've never made a copy Whoa I've used a scanner before

You've never gone to Kinko's to make copies of something? No I've never had to make a copy of anything Not that I can think of Wow Really? Yeah anytime I've like had to copy my birth certificate Or social security card for a job I just bring those and they copy them for me

Nice Yeah I'm not paying money Hell yeah dude Fuck that To work at Papa John's? Yeah fuck that dude Yeah fuck that they can suck your fucking they make you take a test to work at Papa John's a pizza watch videos and you have to like take a test on like the like the Papa John's specific the Papa John's way like yeah

we go we go there a lot of people call them portobello mushrooms we call them pop A lot of people call them portobello mushrooms. We call them popobello mushrooms. Same mushroom, zero difference. Like, you know, all their dumb, like, workplace acronyms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, hot stuff stands for helping, overtime, going unpaid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Selling. Never. Right. Never reporting OSHA violations. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Trying to upsell. Ripping off customers always. $4 an hour.

Smiling about your $4 an hour. Turning a blind eye to workplace sexual misconduct. Yeah, that kind of shit, basically. What happens in the walk-in stays in the walk-in. The walk-in is what we call No memory zone You know That cum in Consuela's mouth Tastes a lot better than a ticket back to the Dominican Republic

In all your years of delivering pizzas Did you know any Delivery guy that ever fucked That did a big sausage pizza That ever had sex with a woman I mean I'm sure that happens I i had these two girls like bring me into their house one time and like get me fucking high and like take pictures with me and shit and they're like hey the pizza guy they were hot too did you smash no i had a girlfriend at the time and i was like

trying to make money so yeah you're like ma'am i'm a professional excuse me i guess i should have that would have been pretty cool that would would have been a cool-ass story. Yeah, but that's like a cool story for some guy who smokes weed when I was in college. It would be cool that you did it then. If we all got jobs as pizza delivery guys and started trying to fuck every woman. Yeah, dude, there was a guy that used to hang out at EJ's Landing. There was this guy with the wrestling shirts. He had this stringy, shitty black hair.

I think with his friend who lived in their mom's house. Yeah, they both lived in the friend's mom's apartment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy, it was this one time, he's telling my friend Jordan, he's like, yeah, dude, I went to a party at Westminster College. I think it's on Eastern Shore. Yeah, no, no, it's in Westminster. It's in Westminster, yeah, dude, I went to a party at Westminster College. I think it's on Eastern Shore. Yeah, no, no, it's in Westminster. It's in Westminster, yeah.

He's like, yeah, I went to this party at Westminster College, and like, yo, I stayed at this dorm, and I fucked every girl. I know. That is the best, dude. He fucked every single girl. 300 and 50. Some fat guy with oily hair. Lives on his friend's mom's couch. Like, single girl. 300 and 50. Some fat guy with oily hair. Lives on his friend's mom's couch.

Like every girl. Yeah, dude. Every fucking girl at the dorm. A whole weekend long. Once word gets out. That was that guy. That was that guy that was like, why are you getting water? Yes.

He gets soda. I haven't had a drop of water in five years. His piss is brown. Dude, don't play good rules. Well, now it's break time. Break time, bitch. And you know what? If you're still listening to the show, we got something for you to listen to right here.

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More importantly, if you're going to gamble, make sure you use it. From now on, double those winnings, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, and we're back on the show. That's our we're back noise. That's a cool noise. I should get some extra gear.

Hell yeah. Sound effects? Yeah. Damn. Adam's gay. The Limp Bizkit guy? Adam's gay. Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.

I want to be that guy. Hell yeah, dude. Mike Shinoda. Mike Shinoda. That's Linkin Park, though. That's what I said. I want to be that guy. Hell yeah, dude. Mike Shinoda. Mike Shinoda. That's Linkin Park, though. That's what I said. He just said. I said Limp Bizkit, but I meant Limp Bizkit.

Oh, yeah. We all knew it. We all felt it. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Did you see that shit that Fred Durst is directing a movie with Travolta? Yeah. Yeah. It's Wild Hogs 3.

They skipped over two. Limp Hogs. Limp Hogs. Yeah. I think I heard that. 3. They skipped over two. Limp Hogs. Limp Hogs. The villain is the new healthcare system that takes Cialis. That says you should get birth control before Cialis. What's this?

What are you talking about? Limp Hogs 3. Oh, Limp Hogs 3. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a dystopian future where Hillary wins the presidency. Should I go on a hot air balloon ride? See Alice off the thing. I feel like that would be pleasant.

Yeah. That'll fix it. It is a really lovely day. Let me look up. I want to do one of those helicopter tours, but those kill people now. Do they? Yeah, you said that helicopter crash in the Easter. This is a story that local and national news has been trying to get people to

care about and nobody gives a shit right because it's all rich people every two weeks it's like remember the helicopter crash it's like give it a rest yeah there was a hell yeah it was a helicopter tour and it crashed and like the they buckle you in real tight so they can like leave the doors off right and uh because they were buckled in so tight, everybody just drowned. What the fuck? You'd even die in a fiery-ass crash? You have to just slowly die? They drown in the East River. Next to some bullshit accountant that's also on this fucking Groupon?

Unable to unbuckle their seatbelts. I'm sorry. It's like if you don't have the tactical awareness to unbuckle yourself after a helicopter crash, maybe you deserve to die. That's so true. Well, I always carry a blade on me. That's what I'm saying. We should make America like Sparta, you know,

and everyone should go through Army Rangers. Yeah, and we should have a warrior king. Well, we already do. Yeah, we do. That's right. Yeah, I feel like helicopters... The premise of Con Air is that he's an Army Ranger and somebody tries to, like, fuck his wife or whatever.

They harass his wife, and so he spin kicks the guy's head off and they put him in prison for murder. They're like, you were training. Because you're a weapon. Right, right, right. You have to show even more restraint or whatever. Which actually, if he's a weapon, it seems like he'd get away with it.

You know what I mean? That's like, you're as deadly as a gun yeah we don't believe this veteran uh uh was acting in self defense career criminals most certainly have a record of some kind that's who goes to jail you know uh my roommates just watched the one where the movie where michelle pfeiffer shows her pussy or is it sharon stone sharon sharon's fatal attraction fatal attraction yeah that shit was wild dude i was popping i was popping in and out it was really good i love that movie yeah and also it looks great like movies looked so much better back you don't mind if i read you into my story

do you nick is that uh what's his name who directed it paul verhoeven? No, it's not. No, he did the other one like that, right? Maybe. He did like Robocop and shit. Yeah, who made Fade of Attraction? Sharon Stone was hot as shit, bro. Dude, she, at that point,

she was the hottest woman in the world. She was hot as fuck. Yeah. And also, it was a very fun movie. A lot of killing. Yeah.

Also, Michael Douglas had a run, I guess, as like the sexiest motherfucker. Everyone wanted to fuck Michael Douglas. He was just the guy that had sex. We've talked about it. He was the guy who... We've talked about this movie specifically. I just checked out because I hadn't seen it while you guys talked about it, I guess. But now I'm excited to talk about it.

No, it's because Michael Douglas was in that and then Basic Instinct. Right, right. Oh, that's not the same movie. Wait, wait. Basic Instinct is Sharon Stone. Fatal Attraction is Glenn Close. Yeah. Oh, so I was watching Basic Instinct. But they are both about crazy bitches that are trying to destroy a good man.

Right, right. That was kind of a motif. But he was like, I guess that's what a sexy-ass guy used to be. He wasn't, like, particularly jacked. He was kind of older than everyone else. Yeah, nobody was jacked until, like, probably Troy came out. Yeah, Leonidas was the first Jack. Gerard Butler.

Troy was Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt, that's right. That was a good movie. I don't remember if it was a good movie. I went back and I watched it again. I remember thinking Brad Pitt was huge in that movie. He just has abs. Yeah, he's not particularly big.

All I remember in that movie is how he kills that guy in the first scene. That giant guy. Nathan Jones. Yeah, it's so sick. He fucking, yeah. He has a sword through his collarbone.

Yeah, he just does one stab. He does like a run and he jumps and stabs him and he's dead. Yeah, it's really sick. Damn, I should watch that shit again. I think that movie sucked, though, in general.

I think it probably did, but I think it was fun. I liked Troy. Bro, I used to be such a little mythology nerd when I was a little kid. That was my shit, dude. Yeah. I remember it was fun. I liked Troy. Bro, I used to be such a little mythology nerd when I was a little kid. That was my shit, dude. Yeah.

I remember. Everybody was. Everybody liked that shit. But that was our shit, dude. Yeah, Greek. That's Greek people's fooboo is mythology. Fooboo. It is, dude.

It's for us and by us. And I'm tired of other people doing it, getting that shit. You shouldn't be allowed to enjoy Hercules. Yeah. I should be the one allowed. Ooh, shit i she's licking my fucking feet yeah let her let her go it's really it's quite pleasant fuck dude yeah it felt weird she has no self-esteem she'll really have you ever gotten your toes sucked

by a woman sexual partner or a man um i'm not sure i have i've definitely sucked on some toes i've sucked on some toes but but I've got my toes sucked. I've got to say, it felt kind of good. Yeah, it does. It's really nice. It's good. A nice toe sucking. Between the big toe and the ring toe or whatever?

Right in between there? I don't know. I didn't let it go on too long. I was startled, but it felt good. Yeah. You know? It's a thing people go when they get the fish that eat dead skin off their feet. Yeah. You know? But yeah. It's that thing people go

and they get the fish that eat dead skin off their feet. Yeah, and the Singapore airport. That shouldn't exist. Yeah. I like that idea.

I don't. I think that would feel good. I think we should make luxury illegal. No, dude, I love luxury. You're a tankie now? Am I?

Is that what tankies say? Well, I don't know. Don't they say it's cool that Stalin killed people and it's not a big deal? They think the gulags are the cool part of the city. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool.

You should kill artists and fucking gay people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the best society. No, no. They were all gay, actually. Stalin was gay. Oh, Stalin was gay? Castro was gay.

They're all queer. I could see them all fucking and sucking, doing like a big bearded communist sucking fuck party. Yeah, I don't think they were, but... You could see it, though. You could see it. They all get together in Cuba on the beaches. Did you see the movie?

Death of Stalin? No. It was good. I haven't seen it. It was tight. I'm trying to go to Cuba. Paul Giamatti is really good. The movie that came out, Young Karl Marx,

everyone was excited about. Yeah, yeah, that's like a German movie. Is Giamatti is really good. Isn't that a movie that came out? Young Karl Marx. Or not Paul Giamatti. Everyone was excited about. Yeah, yeah. That's like a German movie. Is that real? It looks stupid. Is it another one of those, like the one we did, Einstein Buddy Fucks, Newton Buddy Fucks? Is this Karl Marx Buddy Fucks? Yeah, Buddy Fucks.

Really? Why do they keep doing these movies, man? I don't know. The funniest was when they made Theory of Everything or whatever. Oh, Stephen Hawking and the fucks. Eddie Remain. And it's like, just wait two years until Everything or whatever. Oh, Stephen Hawking. And it's like, just wait two years until he's dead. They're not portraying him.

You're doing an impression of a disabled person if he's still alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, I'm all gay. I still can't believe he won a fucking Oscar for that. I know, for just like, for the crooked glasses. Oh, more legs don't work.

Nick's fucked up his glasses in the room. It looks really good, guys. I don't... My legs is not working anymore. I'm gonna somehow fuck a maid. The greatest performance. Shouts out to him fucking his nurse with his limp-ass fucked-up dick.

Yeah. Do you think she put like one of his limp-ass, fucked-up dick. Do you think she put one of his... I mean, his dick couldn't get hard, right? Oh, that was the only thing that could get hard. That was the only thing that worked until the end. He died with a rock-hard, diamond-hard cock. Yeah, exactly. It had like a galaxy circling around it.

How do you even fuck Stephen Hawking? Very carefully. He fucks you with his, circling around. How do you even fuck Stephen Hawking? Very carefully. He fucks you with his mind. Oh, nice. He plugs you in your pussy. His dick probably gets hard. They're different systems. I learned that from Murderball.

Really? I learned it from Lieutenant Dan. Lieutenant Dan gets hard? Well, remember that scene where he's like... Well, Lieutenant Dan isn't paralyzed. He doesn't have legs. He doesn't have... Yeah, well, I thought he, you know...

I was surprised that a legless guy could fuck. But I guess that's just... His legs work. They're just cut off. I thought he was a paraplegic or whatever. No. I don't know how you fucked that detail up. Well, you know, I was eight years old.

He's clearly missing his legs from below the shot. And he's, like, swimming and shit. Yeah, you remember that part? I remember thinking that scene where the principal fucks Forrest Gump's mom was so hot. Where Forrest Gump's mom was willing to do the ultimate? Yeah, he just has to listen to his mom get fucked for money. That's the part you find hot? I thought that was so hot, dude, when I was younger.

Fuck yeah. Did you ever listen to your mom get fucked from the other room? My mom probably hasn't fucked for 20 years. Whoa, really? Yeah. Well, 19. No, I don't know about that. What do you mean 19?

Or I mean one year. One year. I was trying to say I fucked her last year. Yeah, yeah. That was good math. It's like I fucked her when I was nine. So, 19.

Yeah, it's funny. I remember freaking out about turning 30 when I was 26 and now that I'm almost 30. Who gives a fuck? It doesn't matter. Soon I'll have a solid gold Fabergé freaking out about turning 30 when I was like 26 and now that I'm almost 30, it's like, yeah, I don't give a shit. We're going to die. Soon I'll have a solid gold Fabergé egg. Nobody can tell me shit.

I'll just bring my egg to the museum and they go, oh, go right through, sir. And then you get to pick anything from the museum. No more getting the stink eye at the museum. Not letting me in there because I'm not rich. Yeah, dude, I'm tired of those fucking classist fucking organizations like museums and libraries. Yep. You know how libraries only let in the wealthiest of the wealthiest. I'm trying to be a book collector.

I'm trying to be a one percenter, dude. You probably are, dude. No, I'm not. Not yet. Yes, you are. Not one. One is like billions. One is not billions, first of all.

If you go based on my tax return, then I'm absolutely not even close. I think it's like over $300,000 or something. First of all, I don't make anywhere near that amount. And you write off most of the shit. Yeah, most of it's business. Well, write-offs don't matter. What matters is how much you make.

No, I mean, it's entirely based on fucking tax return data. We're not rich by taxes. Yeah. So if you lie on your taxes, then you're not rich. Yeah, we're not even lying. The top 1% of income isn't factoring people's gross income. So if Jeff Bezos pays $0 in taxes, then he's not wealthy. He doesn't pay $0 in taxes.

I'm just saying, if he does, because of whatever, then he's not wealthy. No, he's not in the top tier of income. You know how this works. I don't know why you're like... I don't think that's how they calculate it. I don't think it's after taxes. It's absolutely after taxes. Yes, you pay net.

It's based on your AGI. I think it's pre-tax. Ash Sheik's gross... We can look it up. Fuck. I. What's a gay thing? I am gay.

Intercourse. Ass, cheeks, gross intercourse. Yeah. No, motherfucker. You write off expenses. That is your salary, and that's what it is. Right. This motherfucker doesn't write off expenses, Jeff Bezos.

Or I guess he does, probably. Yeah, if you have a business business that makes fucking like $80 million a year. Yeah, whatever his salary is. So Donald Trump didn't pay taxes like, you know, the last tax return he released, he didn't pay taxes. You mean the Maddow one? Yeah, because he reported losses. He paid 30%

of his income when he went to tax. But still, the Maddow tax return made him look like he pays his fair share of taxes. We're getting taxed on what we get after expenses. What don't you understand? I'm stupid as shit and I get it. I understand how taxation works, but I don't think that qualifies you as 1% or not. I think your pre-tax income qualifies you as 1%.

The income you get taxed on? Yes, your pre-tax income. 1% earner. Okay, so here's the answer. Here's where you're fucking idiot. Here's the answer before you're going to talk out of your ass. No, dude, you don't understand. For U.S. overall, the income threshold required to be in the 1% of earners is $389,000 pre-tax.

Thank you. Pre-tax. Pre-tax, but what your income is is after expenses. Yes, it's your adjusted gross income. It's not... Yeah, it's pre-taxes, but it's not before deductions. Dumbass Adam. You're fucking stupid.

How fucking dumb are you, dude? Not even close to wrong. You're wrong. Deductions are post-tax. No, they're not. You're fucking moron. No, it's gross income. It's what you make before taxes.

No, bitch. You're wrong. It's what you make before taxes. You're wrong. It's what you make before taxes isn't reported until after you take the deductions. So, Adam, here's the thing. Whatever, let's say we make. So if you buy a computer, you subtract that from your income?

Yes. No, no, that's not true. Yes, you do. You do in your taxes. Oh, my fucking God. All right, whatever. No, you're retarded. No, we're not wrong, dude.

We are not wrong. You're wrong. Whatever, dude. It's so simple. This is embarrassing that I understand a thing about money so much more than you. I'm just saying what qualifies to be 1%. Let's say I made like $70,000 last year, right? Yeah.

And then... Yeah, it's something like... If you made $70,000 and you bought a $2,000 computer, you did not make $68,000 last year. Yes, you fucking did. It's a business expense. No, it doesn't. Okay, it does on your taxes, but that doesn't count as your pre-tax income. Okay, you know what?

It doesn't matter if you spent $2,000. I don't take $2,000 off, but I take some percentage off. I get that. That's how it works on your taxes, but I'm talking about pre-tax income. So even if you have business expenses, that doesn't... I understand how AGI works on your taxes. No, bitch. You're wrong. You guys are both wrong. No. You guys are both wrong. No. All right. I mean, I how AGI works on your taxes. No, bitch. You're wrong.

You guys are both wrong. No. You guys are both wrong. No. All right. I mean, I don't care. You're wrong. No, bitch.

Well, this is awkward for you when you find out we're going to be right. You're right about what? You can't say that if you spent... That's... Okay. If you... Your income... Bro, maybe...

Okay, stop. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. That came to you was $70,000. So if you own a restaurant, right? Yes. And the restaurant has total sales of, I don't know.

But that's a business. I'm talking about. This is a business too, you fucking moron. I'm talking about. You have a pass-through agency. You have a restaurant that's owned by an LLC. It's attached to your social security number. Yeah, yeah.

So your income, you're effectively the owner. All right. So they have a total gross sales Of $420,000 a year Which is low So now that restaurant owner On top of that They pay employees And their take home pay is probably

Somewhere around $20,000 a year You say that's a one percenter No because they pay those employees That would be deducted These are business expenses. These are business expenses. I disagree. I still disagree. That's a 1%.

Because you can't count a restaurant. A restaurant is a business. It's not an individual. So is a professional comedian or a podcaster. I know, but you have your individual income that you make throughout the year. Let me do it the same way. Let's say you make $70,000 a year. Your restaurant makes $70,000 a year and you spend $2,000

on an oven. You don't include that? It's the same thing as our fucking computer. Of course you include it. Of course you include it on your taxes. Take the L. You're wrong. What is income? Now you're just going back to what income means? Yeah, think of what the word means.

Oh my fucking god it means everything that comes in shut the fuck up admit you're wrong so we can move i'm not admitting my i'm wrong i will be vindicated by our genius by our genius now you're a genius now they're geniuses two weeks ago they were retards i've never called them retards you think they're beautiful you think it's like it's it's not included because the the kind of shit we spend money on seems like frivolous purchases right but there are business expenses just as much as a deep fryer would be for a restaurant i need ubers i needed a five thousand dollar computer exactly i needed a new tv to stream video games i understand how business

to review them on the podcast i understand how business expenses work and i understand how business... To review them on the podcast. I understand how business expenses work, and I understand how you dump things on your taxes. We're not talking about this more, motherfucker. It's over. But I'm saying, in order to qualify on the 1%, you can't have your AGI. It's your pre-tax income. No, motherfucker.

There's a difference between... My question again. My question again. There's a difference between AGI and pre-tax income. The person that owns a restaurant is managed by an LLC, and it's a single member LLC. That is a one percenter. They're paid by the restaurant.

That is a one percenter. They are not. They're not paid by the restaurant. If it's an LLC that owns the restaurant, it's a single member LLC. You don't even need a fucking LLC. You could just be the owner of the business. And then they get a salary from that business. No, they don't even need a fucking LLC. You could just be the owner of the business. Okay. And then they get a salary from that business.

No, they don't. No, they don't, motherfucker. No, they don't. What do they do then? How do they pay? They have leftover after expenses. What the fuck? Yeah, they have whatever's left over after expenses.

I disagree. You only get a salary. You can't just disagree when you're wrong. I disagree, dude. You only get a salary if you, I don't know, form a corporation and pay yourself a salary. And then that's reported through a 10 1099k but i mean that your income when a girl when a girl is like wow your dick is small as shit do you go i disagree is that what you say what do you mean when a girl's like your dick is four inches and i hate it you go i disagree yeah i'm sure he does i'm sure he does

shut the fuck your cum tastes bad like, like fucking expired tapioca pudding. Do you say I disagree when she says that? I love tapioca pudding. I know. It is good. It's so good, dude. We should have a little tapioca day. I can't, dude.

Me and you, dude. We'll get some tapioca pudding with some bubble tea. No, it sounds great, but I'm staying off sugars. Tapioca Tuesdays. You're right. Always. Back in the day, we'd get together. Glenn Burney.

Get some fresh tapioca. Transmission fix. That's right. Adam, it's fine that you were wrong about this. I don't understand why this is a hill you want to die on. Yeah. Who cares? Who cares, man?

Put the phone away. We're not talking about taxes anymore. Okay, we'll talk about it after. It's not about taxes. It's pre-tax. That's the point. Shut the fuck up. Oh, my God. Who even gives a fuck?

Even if you are right, who cares? Which you're not. I care. I finally deposited all my refund checks. I got more back than I thought I did. That's good. Because I had my penalty for not having health insurance was like $2,400.

Isn't it supposed to be $2,100 max? No, it's $2,085 is the max. Because I asked the accountant like nine times. He was like, it's $2,085 or it's this other amount, whichever is... The way it's worded, I guess it was right when I looked over it. Gotcha.

Shouts out Patrick. He's a good accountant. I'll have to look at the email. I was yelling about it on the show. I still got about $6,400 back. Nice. I'm starting Stompy Baby Enterprises, my corporation.

You guys should both have S&Ms. I'm doing one right now. I don't know. You guys should both have S-Corps. I have. I'm doing one right now, yeah. I don't have a shit. Well, I got to do it. See, as me and Nick, people who understand taxes. It's also to further shit on your exam. Okay, let's go. You say, well, that's a business.

You can very easily, like Mitt Romney could start an S-Corp and then pay himself a salary of $20,000 a year for the S-Corp, but then still have a shit ton of dividends from the S-Corp. Would you say that he's not a one-percenter because his income is $20,000? That's exactly what I'm saying. I'm saying that he is impoverished. He's a lower middle class person because he's... That is true.

I'm saying that technically, in my opinion, $20,000 should be beneath the poverty level in this country no one should have to live off mitch should be on food stamps i think he should i saw him at that jazz game he was looking gaunt yeah dude let's get let's get let's feed him some government cheese this is noise this is horrible fucking but what did the escort have to pay the taxes anyway? Shut up, man. I don't want to talk about fucking bitch-ass taxes. Taxes are gay. Taxes are gay. I'm a libertarian. The government has no control over me, and there shouldn't be roads.

All right. Not only is the episode bad, but now there's like fucking weird audio. The episode's fine. Yeah, I know, but the sound's all fucked up. Should we stop for a second? No. I don't know what the fucking problem is. Is it mine? Is it because Adam's gay?

Yes. You know what? I don't even give a shit. It just sounds bad. What's wrong with it? It's like staticky and crackling. Is it a phone? Yeah, there it is.

Oh, it was your phone. It was your phone. You motherfucker. Sorry. First you're wrong about taxes, now you're trying to sabotage the app. So that the people won't see how wrong you are about taxes. It was my dog's phone. It was your phone. You motherfucker. Sorry. First you're wrong about taxes, now you're trying to sabotage the app. So that the people won't see how wrong you are about taxes. It was my dog's phone.

It was my phone. No, I see what you're doing, dude. Whatever. Adam, stop reaching for the power cord. Yeah. Adam doesn't want it on record. He's a Jew who doesn't understand taxes. I've already on the record said I do not understand money or taxes.

And I'm not cheap and I spend money on the dumbest stuff whatever man like adidas kind of shit you don't even do that shit i just spent two hundred dollars at adidas because i was stoned would you buy soccer jerseys i don't need soccer it's such a nice day what a horrible day to have to sit inside and podcast. We should do an outside podcast, dude. Yeah. We should do a podcast. We should have. It's too late now. Fuck.

It's too late to... I'm not redoing this one. No, no, no. No. I don't fucking care to. Yes. Finally. That's what I'm saying.

All I'm saying is... The last one we didn't redo was fine. People didn't know what the fuck the difference was. We didn't redo it. We just released it as a bonus. Yeah. Yeah. It's all the same shit. What we do is Yeah. Yeah. It's all the same shit.

What we do is bullshit. Yeah. It's all, it's gay and our dicks are small. No, some of them are good. No. Most of them are good. Well, yeah,

the ones when you're in Las Vegas. Well, I'll tell you guys, check out the Real Ass Podcast I did with Tim Dillon yesterday. We had a lot of fun. It was a great show. We had a lot of good riffs

on that one. I talked about those Hasidic guys I saw buying diamonds. Oh, yeah. Talk about it here. You only talked about the live show. Yeah, but I already did it on Realize Podcast. Dude, that's proprietary, man. We're going to sue you for doing your best riffs on another show.

Me and Adam are going to form a fucking S-Corp. It was true. We had a great time. A union. We did the whole thing about how the game Snooker is bullshit. I love Snooker, though. Do you play Snooker? I used to when I was a little kid.

Is that the one with the red balls? It's just like... You shoot a little... Yeah. You take turns. You sink all the balls at once. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to match up the colors?

No, you're supposed to put balls... Oh, I'm thinking of Snood. Oh, yeah. You ever play Snood? That is not even... That's on the computer. Yeah. That's what I thought you guys were talking about.

Snooker is like billiards. Oh, fuck that. Fuck pool. But it's like all the same color ball, I think, or black and red balls. You have to sync balls in the appropriate order or whatever. I don't know. Sounds fucking gay. It is gay.

You guys ever play bumper pool? Yeah, of course. Shit rules, dude. Is it like pinball? They got little bumpers on a pool table and shit. You just got to get your red. It's red versus white, I think. It's the one you thought snooker was.

Oh, that's bumper pool. Yeah. What's snooker then? Snooker is like there's a bunch of balls on the table. One person sinks all the balls at once. It's like bowling, I guess. There's frames. Ah. Yeah, I've never person sinks all the balls at once. It's like bowling. I guess there's frames. Yeah, I've never played it.

It's stupid. It's a dumb sport. It's one of those sports where there's already a more popular version of this, and I'm not good at that. So I'll do the one that most people don't do. And then become good at that. Like racquetball and squash? Yeah, squash. Y'all ever play squash?

I love playing squash. I love playing squash. Oh, I like squash. I like getting my pussy fucked and playing squash. Sometimes I put a whole squash racket in my ass. I do. You know what I like to do? I put a whole butternut squash up my ass.

I go to my job at the car dealer. And it says, Lanny, why you got that squash up your ass? Because I tell him I'm gay. I'm gay. What else am I supposed to do? I'm gay Lanny with squash in my ass. Lanny, I go to the grocery store and I see the vegetables. And all I got is, I just want to put them in my ass.

vegetables and all I got to, I just want to put them in my ass. That's the only thing I live for is putting that vegetables in my ass. What's that, an eggplant? Shove that in my ass. Oh, boy. My ass is starting to water. Yeah, you know, something like that. Gay Lenny's ass. Gay Lenny's ass

water is not his mouth. The Velveeta room in Austin, this is Jake, would tell me about this guy that used to come in to do the mic, but he was some Texas guy, so he had the accent. He would order ice water, but he had the accent. He'd be like,

can I get a big old glass of ass water? Can I get a glass of ass water, please? That's what you do after an enema? Yeah. He just keeps drinking. You might as well pour me up one of them used colonics. Well, sir, there's nothing I love more than drinking my wife's coffee in a bath.

After she passes it. We'll make a nice little iced coffee. Ass coffee. Ass coffee. Out of my wife's used colonics. Well, sir, we got a big, hot, heatable bladder. And we fill it with none of the finest Maxwell house. My wife, she gets down doggy style,

and we use a garden hose to funnel it in and direct them. Wait about ten minutes, and then she so beautifully paints it all over my face and chest. And I drink that shit up, brother. And that's how I start my day. That's how you start a Lord. That's right about that, Ron. Yes. Well, I'd like to thank every member of the congregation that's come out to our new 1 a.m. Mass.

Mass after hours. After dark. Yeah. Welcome to church after dark. Church after dark. And this one, Jesus fucks. Yes. It's a mega church.

It's too big. Yeah. Welcome to church megachurch. It's too big. Yeah, welcome to church, half the dark, everybody. Let's turn right to Leviticus. To the sexiest parts. Everyone's just eating shrimp, fucking and sucking in a polyester cotton blend, which is not allowed.

No, you can turn water into wine, and you can also turn that ass out. Mary Magdalene, he fucked her so hard one time that she pink-socked. Who knows what that is? Let's have Jeremiah come up here and explain what a pink-sock is. It's when the pussy come out of the hole, more or less. That's right. Thank you, Brother Jeremiah.

Very good, Brother Jeremiah. Now, the Lord blessed Jeremiah with Down syndrome, but that doesn't stop him from knowing how to fuck. That's what Church After Dark is all about. As we give us your sick, your poor, your mentally disabled, your handicapped, and show me how hard they can fuck. You know when they fucking put their hands on someone and they like pass out and shit? They do that but they're all cumming their pants.

A guy that goes to an evangelical preacher and he's like, my dick doesn't work anymore. He's like, get out of here, Satan! Just jerking him off. Come on! Get out of here, Satan, you bastard! Just sucking the guy's dick. Then the guy's like, dick gets

hard and his mom faints. The priest just wipes the cum off his Then the guy's like Dick gets hard And his mom faints The priest just wipes The cum off his lips He's like Now Satan was trapped In the form of cum Spit that Spit that

Spit that Directly into the holy water And we'll be right back On Church After Dark This is Joel Osteen and the Blowing Guys. With his big horse mouth? Yeah.

I mean, it would make sense. All those guys are gay, dude. He's got a big-ass mouth. Shouts out to Creflo Dollar, the best name of all time. 700. We do a joke about 700 clubs as Pat Robertson

is like the amount of women that he's fucked. He's like, if you like getting pussy, this is the show to watch. They used to confuse the shit out of me when 700 Club came on. It was after cartoons. Because I didn't understand. It was like, what is this?

Yeah. I know. I had no idea either. Just Christian bullshit. Yeah. Yeah. I was waiting for it to be like a funny show or like waiting for him to be sort of like Mr. Rogers. It was like Sunday mornings, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I was waiting for it to be like a funny show or like waiting for him to be sort of like Mr. Rogers. It was like Sunday mornings, right?

Yeah. And then like 15 minutes in, you're like, oh, this is some bullshit fucking religious shit. What's the 700 AD? I don't know. Is when Jesus came back. What? No.

No, I thought he came back four days later. No, he came back 700 years later to create. In the Middle Ages? Just fucked up a knight? Yeah, yeah. To create evangelicalism what is 700 what is 700 oh they named it after the amount of inches of my dick yeah pat robertson pat robertson was like bragging about leg pressing 2 000 pounds

is he jacked no but the leg press is a fake exercise. Right. It feels cool, though, to put a bunch of plates on. Yeah. Was that Pat Robertson or Pat Buchanan? No, it was Pat Robertson. I don't know why I thought it was Pat Buchanan. No, Pat Buchanan. I saw some Pat Buchanan quote where he's just praising Hitler. Yeah.

Hell yeah, dude. It's not ironically. That rules, man. Yeah. Well, that's the show for today. yeah, dude. It's not ironically. That rules, man. Yeah. Well, that's the show for today. Thanks, guys. Thanks for coming to the show last night. Oh, yeah, that was a fun show.

I feel like, when's the next one? In two weeks? The 28th? Okay. It'll be the Monday of Labor Day or whatever. Yeah, Autobar. Memorial Day. August.

4th? Something. 12th? Yeah. Memorial Day. August 4th? 12th? Yeah, something like that. 4th? Yeah, buy those Auto Bar tickets. And then Cleveland and Boston in September. Oh, it's 12th. I'm in Long Island in July. The 12th. August 12th at Auto Bar. And then, yeah, Cleveland

and Boston in September. Yeah. Let's do it, folks. Bye. Changing a light bulb should be simple. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Uh-oh. That's not supposed to happen.

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