The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 104 – Madcucks explained

Episode Date: May 24, 2018

Asterios Kokinos joins us to explain the biggest internet lawsuit of all time.

Contolini. Yeah, so we'll just get right into it. Hello, and we have a special guest, Esterios Coquinos here with us, requested by I guess several people. If you don't know, he's being sued by Maddox. Yeah, mentioned on the show before. I think most people who listen to the show know who Maddox is, you know. If you don't, he's a pitcher for the Atlanta Braves. Good one. It's Greg Maddox. Why don't you go ahead and take it away? You're on fire today. Yeah, I'm feeling the heat today. Like Greg Maddox. No, he was more of a finesse. Yeah, he was. Your job is to bring the chocolates. I did bring the chocolates already. We could do a run of Maddox's.

There's Commander Maddox from Star Trek The Next Generation. He's the guy that said data was Starfleet's property. Oh, remember this? I'm gonna be the guy that says being data is a choice. That's the wokest take I've ever heard on Commander Maddox. Wait, data was the computer guy? He was the android. Did you fuck him? Yeah, they did fuck him. Really? Actually, I wrote a sketch when I was 18 that's like warf and forge fucking data. By sketch, I mean it was the thing I said. he wrote very graphic gay fan fiction about data getting his fucking computer buttcheeks fucked yeah published on he's doing go see but it's just a bunch of

like journal just a bunch of like yes microchip yeah and wires and shit you said shit that like Chrissy Teigen used to write like Neopets fan fiction no that's yeah like that's where she learned to write yeah funny yeah it's not fair that you're this funny you're very attractive yeah it's the Neopets fan fiction that's the that's the fucking the developmental the fucking I'm really I can't think of words today incubator there's almost chocolate she cut her teeth in the Neopets community yeah man I was eating for my blood pressure just nothing but like 97% dark chocolate hell yeah I love that shit I do too but

having chocolate with sugar in it's like weird yeah yeah yeah you remember how good it fucking is yeah goddamn desserts are so tasty yeah I just stopped with the dark chocolate though I got like horrific cystic acne all over my neck really from chocolate oh yeah dude we'll fuck you up what dark chocolate that's the healthy thing yeah yeah I start every day with four bars of dark chocolate you know I go to her now your entire body is a pimple no big one big I have beautiful skin thank you very much but it's all even so you can't yeah exactly yeah you have you have like full-body acne like four inches below the

surface oh yeah it's a beautiful layer of just yeah just like when you know when you fucking grill a pig or you do it's like that that beautiful do you know when you really I don't when you do a fucking when you do a fucking pig roast yeah a pig roast and you get that beautiful crispy skin yeah that's what my skin's like okay like a chicharron chicharron exactly they call me chicharron skin so you're Keto I'm Keto yeah you hear that ladies suck I got a couple chicharrona balls if you want to suck on them yeah and that's a nice salty snack for you after your fucking shift as a nurse well anyways Maddox had a website

probably like 30 years yeah yeah that was like funny you know we were 12 yeah right especially for the time yeah as a kid it was funny you go back and read it and it's still it's still funny probably got a couple bangers the thing is is like so many people aped Maddox's style and it becomes diluted in the same way that like if you were to watch Superbad or Pineapple Express now it would just be like watching a commercial it's true yeah just stole you know his whole thing the mannerisms the way speaking whatever well she was like the original hot take artists yes you know like everybody thinks something's good he'll

write 20 paragraphs about why it's bad right get people's clicks but it's like well now the whole world is hot takes right right yeah yeah you got to disrupt yeah that's right you know you got to come in doing you ice cold yeah you gotta go cold takes you know what's good fucking cookies that's my take that's why I say Trump bad yeah yeah I got off the grid so I guess yes so Maddox was suing you for $20 million yes he sued long story short whoa long story long yeah let's go you know I'll tell the story all right well here's what happened a comedian sued another comedian for making fun of him I'm

surprised Adam doesn't know who you can sue and under what circumstances well you are a lawyer I'm just waiting to hear back from a couple lawyers and they are all dog bite specialists expert in dog law that rules the alcoholic dog bite lawyer like no money down yes he's a real life better call Saul absolutely is from Michigan too right well yeah but he left Michigan I assume because he's not allowed to drive there anymore because they took away his life that rules yeah all of this stuff has come out about him because he's put himself in the public sphere and so you know he was one of those drivers who you know they got the

straw that you got to breathe in and we start the hell yeah and so he starts the car and it's fine but then we assume allegedly he starts drinking while driving that rocks who he started sober and but then there's they do this thing with rolling stops and so like every once in a while while you're driving I'll be like hey time to breathe into this thing just to make sure you're not so alcoholic you're drinking while driving that is incredible reason to the thing it gets flagged he makes up a thing about how he's got chronic haliotosis and so he keeps listering in the car and there's like a letter from his gallons of it

you know there's a lot of bad breath deep down here yeah you really got to get it down there and yeah what I've learned from this experience is that anybody can be sued for anything yeah and there's nothing you can do about it the reason he sued me is we used to be friends and then he had another podcast with a guy there was a podcast breakup and I was like well I'm friends with you both so I'll be on both your shows like kind of like we were saying before like it's just drama yeah I guess break up over a girl well yeah similar to similar to our situation I've been talking about it has

been having sex with my girlfriend yeah we fall isn't that right Dasha uh don't talk to me that way Adam you have a very little penis don't talk to me that way either that's true I have done a multiplicity type I'm the dumbest one of all because the Xerox effect I put shoes on my hands on my feet the retarded Dasha footsheets on you the most the wisest of all of the most brave eternal truth that's the funniest part of that movie they're like how can we make this script worse oh how about one of them is retarded yeah that's your second act complication retardation yeah classic

that's what I teach in uh in Robert McKee's story seminar that's right always have someone retarded if you if there's a retarded guy in the first act by the third act he has to shit his pants so uh so someone fucked someone's bitch yeah so one of the host sleeps with the other one's ex-girlfriend three years oh so it's not even like a real thing yeah Maddox freaks the fuck out blows up the podcast and again I'm like you guys are fighting over a girl and you're both almost 40 and now they are now Maddox is like 40 or 41 so I'm like I don't care I'll be on both your shows right Maddox doesn't like it he starts spreading

shit about me in LA and I'm not in LA I'm in New York to all my friends and he's sharing texts and he's talking shit so I record oh Maddox hates being called a cock that's very important no is he alright what is it what is his Maddox I think that he is kind of the original alt-right guy because he proto-proto alt-right he puts out a book a long time ago in 2002 called the alphabet of man which sucked I remember that that's when I stopped liking Maddox I was like that that was so anticipated it took forever for him to publish that book and then it was like this looks like a child wrote it yes and like in the

book it's like here's how to punch a woman in the vagina here's how to grab a lady's tit at the I don't think you need to read it in a book if you really want to do it you can figure it out imagine a try it first before spending $11 and so he had a lot of huge conservative fans because all the woman beating stuff they it resonated too much about the internet computer programmer from Turkmenistan is but I will tell you I do like punching it would be nice to control them and you know by this book yeah and so he releases a video where he's like I don't like to wear a cock so here's what I do

I release an album of where I'm calling him cock hundreds of times yeah to the tune of various royalty-free Christmas carols it's called cuckmas carols yeah number six on the billboard chart which means that it is currently archived in the library of that we are all dead cuckmas carols yeah your legacy I'm never gonna die oh listen to it I will I'll let people know in like Sweden or the Sudan in some small country it becomes the number seven album in the world beating Adele's album not in the world in that country so it's like me and then right beneath me is Adele's

brand-new album one that rules just for no reason yeah well not for no reason cuz it's very spiteful and I'm all about spite yeah like it's so the only reason I got into shape and not that I'm in shape now you look at stock I'll take stocky that's an upgrade you're looking like a burly boy that sounds good thick with two seats I'll take it absolutely but because a guy from the Donald the the reddit Trump crazy website each channels me with fight so I was like I'll fight you and then I immediately started taking boxing lessons and I was like please tell me how to fight that rules I don't know how to fight I've

never fought anybody in my life I've never even got to a fight as a kid and so uh hell yeah yeah and so I got an answer that so but it's like I would never exercise yeah if it wasn't for spite oh yeah I learned sign language out of spite wait please tell me you're serious my girl broke up with me and like we're doing like a long-distance thing and then she you know it was like before Christmas and I was supposed to go out there she's like I still want to send you a gift I'm like I don't know if I'm up for like exchanging get cuz I had lied and said that I had gotten her something already but I'm not gonna buy

this bitch a present now right you know you know because she broke up with me so but she had a deaf sister so I just like took a week and learn sign language so that I could just get on Skype and be like here's your present yeah and yeah and then he used he used the sign language to fuck her deaf sister yes yeah your ex-girlfriend no not really she wasn't impressed at all she didn't care I kind of just wasted a bunch of time practicing sign language for two weeks no my friend who's an ASL interpreter who just taught me sign language I got pretty good at it I could just carry out conversations of sign language that's

pretty that's awesome in two weeks you learn sign language is really easy it's still English yeah cuz just mannerisms and you know basically you're learning to do an impression of a deaf person okay it's not really like learning another language it's a voice it's a voice they can do with his hands right you know cool yeah like Italian people yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah the thing so we got cuckmus carol I'm interested in this though so you release cuckmus carols I released cuckmus carols I recorded it it was even more spiteful so the guy releases like a shitty bonus episode on iTunes it becomes number one on iTunes

comedy iTunes comedy is full of old come old albums from comedians that are dead yeah like anyone releases an album that's number one on iTunes comedy for at least two days if it doesn't do it you bombed your album bombed because it takes like five downloads to get number one like Bill Engvall's here's your sign yeah there's like number four and like I watch that as a kid here's your sign damn I want to be an alcoholic when I grow up yeah and then have to quit and make a big deal out of it how I'm only drinking apple juice now but anyway and so so he's bragging about being number one in comedy and so I'm like I'm gonna dethrone

him and so we so in 24 hours me and my girlfriend Sirancha write record edit total friends Sri Raja Sirancha it's like Siracha with ranch in it yeah oh a fat boys dream yeah having sex with a condiment really spicy condiments who condiments that's beautiful dude congratulations really good comedy writer she's really fucking funny I want to meet you have to be I want to meet like that I imagine growing up with that name oh it's a it's an issue heavy oh no she's tiny oh imagine growing up like that girl your names honey mustard yeah yeah yeah I want to start dating a girl named garlic

aioli dude no dude she's European oh never my girlfriend my girlfriend maybe Chipotle aioli I haven't decided yeah Chipotle aioli yeah that's my girl dude she sounds we're going to double day you guys write an album in 24 hours right now I'm 24 hours put it out it becomes number one in iTunes this and that and so so then one day like a year later I walk I have a I have a bunch of jobs like I'm like a gig comedian like I work in advertising work to social media you all stuff one day I walk in one of my job mad mad men I met yes I'm like an unattractive mad Don Draper just as much rape remember when Don Draper just

fingered that lady just hard as shit in season one yeah and it was all about control like the show or who was boss fingered her like a fucking ball gown like a bowling ball you know you don't ask a bowling ball just rent the shoes yeah your honor I was wearing the fuck shoes oh I'm sorry in the 50s it was illegal to commit rape you're wearing a certain kind of shoe damn what beautiful laws this country used to have look what's happened to Trump is making America great again oh wait no he's got that new line where he's like we'll respect it again oh really America no we are kids

respect America is respected again like he's saying that like it happened yeah your rules no they hate us more now you but it doesn't matter so I get into work it rules a bald guy I've never met goes hey I gotta talk to you and I go me he goes yeah so he brings me this is in the office of Sterling Cooper Draper price yeah well actually at that point it was Sterling Cooper and partner okay he's like listen you've gone bowling a little too many I was gonna save it for leek night if your work was better we would be like 68 again you're under arrest for hitting the lanes too much you can't

rape with the bumpers I'm sorry I'm still dealing with the fact he said you can't rape with the bumpers you can't rape during disco night yeah just go bowling cosmic I remember going to cosmic bowling one time there's like an african family next to us and like you could own like only when they smile those old hilarious light up this their eyes and the teeth yes all right so you're you've been across the bald guy bald guy go I've never met before he says I gotta talk to you for a second and again he serves you well no he's legal he pulls he pulls me into her into like the biggest office that I've

never seen like I didn't know existed you know and again this is one of my this is one of the places I work I'm you know I'm not gonna be specific and he goes yeah we met some guy named Maddox is suing us damn so Maddox is like one of my clients he sues me he sues a 22 year old kid in Nebraska who goes by the online name Madcox my god he sues the other podcast host and he's suing us all and he's saying that we made and I have the court transcript here despicable podcast recordings if you can get arrested if you can get told for that we're fucked arrested for anything but you know what I mean you get you

get you get served with something right which is what happens file a motion to dismiss you don't follow up with it you pull the cash out of your bank account you just ignore it the whole thing never deal with that yeah the whole time for me 24 thousand dollars Jesus Christ yeah which by the way I don't have it right like it's I'm sorry it's cost discover banks new zero APR card you guys see those commercials were like a ladies talking with lady and they're like oh my god besties twinsies besties they have lent me 24 thousand dollars yes yes to pay for the world's best lawyer Jordan Greenberg this guy

is awesome yeah it should be mandatory that the suing party pays for the every single counter suit to get your money you have to count yeah that's why he didn't sue us in California where every other defendant except me lives he sued us in New York because New York is very pro-corporate like in California if you try to restrict someone's free speech via lawsuit that an anti-slap penalty can be put on you and you can be you can be charged nine times what you were suing for as a holy shit really in California but in New York it's like it's a corporate state I don't know if the people who listen to this show should

know that very good point you guys are all gonna get sued I mean I have a corporation so if it's pro-corporate there you go I just that's all I need to hear I just have a dog I just started stop you baby industries yeah LLC yeah or s-corporate s-corporate I guess if I'd still one of those you haven't trouble do you have an s-corporate did you file an 8832 I don't know I just I hit up the accountant okay whatever you probably just gave you an 8832 I don't know which lets you file as a corporation to be treated for tax reasons as one but you don't legally have a corporation now I want a corporation though you boy I

don't think you have one I have a name for it so I'll be maybe enterprise is sure but you might have just had you see and then they file an 8832 so it gets taxes and s-corporate sounds a pretty good name did you do the thing where you ran a newspaper ad and a local ad in the country do it in Albany yes and like I trade they do it they whatever the account does everything what you pay like 600 bucks yeah that sounds about right I was gonna sell like $800 yeah no I paid I paid total 97 wow 97 to run the ads yeah because you do it in Albany oh no I mean for the whole thing not oh well I paid a guy 200 bucks to help me so

297 I guess I gotta do this we all have to talk yeah yeah yeah so okay so he doesn't so you can't so you can't get your money back even if no I mean here's the thing I can counter sue the guy which would cost 30 or 40 grand Jesus fucking and then the question is does this guy have the money right and it's like what we think is this guy sold this guy sold a show to Amazon at some point in December we think you know digital not like the good Amazon yeah you know web cartoon or whatever so we imagine he probably like 30 grand from that yeah but after taxes and then he spent some of its you're talking about

like $8,000 yeah and he probably gave all eight of that grand to the lawyer to sue us because this lawyer is not gonna sue on contingency because he wants his money it's like Saul Goodman doesn't work on contingency he wants his money now yeah you know so it's like I don't know if there's any point in suing this guy I got you um so we the trial was on Wednesday oh fuck and months and months and months of like people in LA being oh the other thing that they allege in the suit is that I was a stalker and harasser of women hilarious um which is like you know very funny because like they would see me coming like you know

I have a terrifying face like I have to wear these glasses like I'll show you real quick like what other glasses yeah I mean it's like I look like you look like a kind of Chechen a bond villain yeah yeah like the main character from the Grand Theft Auto were like he was a war criminal yeah GTA 4 thank you you do have like a Kazakh look yeah yeah well that's because you're we which you which you're Greek and and which the Greek Chinese and Portuguese yeah that makes sense that's the mix you get yeah because Greeks I feel like that's what those fucking like places are is like Europeans mixed with Chinese people and

you get a Kazakh and that's basically what you are that's Dan Carlin's hardcore history yeah my grandma has real Chinese-looking eyes yeah well some Europeans just have like epicanthic folds for no reason like Richard gear who by the way the reason I haven't been able to make Richard gear museum t-shirts is because he's impossible to draw because he's got these fucking Chinese eyelids really and I can't draw why is it because the Mongols like rapes Europeans no I think some people just look like that I think gear is actually like a Mayflower guy whoa really blue blood yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah well my

grandma's in nor grew up in nor the northern most part of Greece which is like a that's when you get into like fucked up slob territory uh-huh so that's that's the closest you can be to being a Kazakh yeah as a Greek person so anyway yeah again this little new a Kazakh guy and I would just quote Borat at him all the time he's like actually it's not like that they sued Borat I think I know about that too it was real upset about it yeah you would make you would quote they don't fuck with Borat which I wasn't even really that into I mean Borat's funny but once he'd let me know that it

bothered him I mean yeah they should really see the movie yeah before they get pissed off it's really funny well I'm upset because originally it was gonna be Albanian oh and you know that would be awesome yeah but that is there's some legal thing where they couldn't do Albania out Albanians were smarter than Kazakhs which is so embarrassing how about how about fuck the legal things you know yeah hell yeah fuck law yeah yeah you know I'm saying it's fucking terrible like for that 50s bowling shoes law I mean you know if it's if I like it then it's yeah yeah I mean like I like it when the Supreme Court rules for me and

when not they're activist judge of course that's how it works I salute so for months in LA I'm like persona non grata people aren't talking to me because Maddox he was deep into UCB I met him really I met him at UCB he used to be on a house team there me and I got here that guy didn't that's so embarrassing I know yeah a show together every month called the tournament of nerds it got bought by Nerdist uh-huh it was it was like one of the first YouTube things when YouTube started making content like paid content right and and so he's really hooked in and so what he did was he created the story where he was like

these people are like abusers and stalkers of women now I run addicts though that's so that's what's great the UCB people the cunt punching guy yes yes boys with the other guy that who Tucker Max like those guys you know what I mean like they were friends that era of the internet you know they were on the frat tire web ring remember web rings yes of course I remember web rings the sequest web ring of course I remember running the sequest web ring Darwin 865 of course I remember the funniest of all of those on the Maddox like best page you remember TARD blog no I love it but I've never heard

of it hard blood was a special education teacher that had like an anonymous vlog where they took like took reader mail there's one story somebody told about it a big retard in their class and some police officers came in like they did a thing on like sexual assault or whatever you know like stranger danger kind of thing and they watch this video in the video ends they go any questions and the big retarded kid goes next door Jimmy made me suck his dick they're like drag him out with police officers the doctor did next door Jimmy make him suck his dick yeah yeah it turns out next door Jimmy was another

retarded kid well the perfect double jeopardy yeah that's just going bowling with the rack that you roll the ball down yeah that's bowling with bumpers that's bumper bowling TARD blog I remember I I found like Jim Gaffigan's like AOL and some messenger because he had his AOL email address so I added him on AIM and then he like signed in one time and I was a huge fan of Jim Gaffigan when I was like 11 or whatever yeah so I was like hey I'm a big fan or whatever he's like oh thanks or whatever I don't even know if he knew what AIM was probably just popped up on his computer yeah and then I was like check this out

it's really funny I said I'm the next door Jimmy story and he was like I swear God he wrote back I'm not offended but I do have to go he's at the stand sometimes yeah yeah yeah that whole hot pocket thing is based on next door Jimmy his mouth was a hot pot that other guys did whoa Nick Nick yeah you've affected the course of comedy history with it you know who knows maybe that's so polite because Gaffigan used to work in advertising so he knows how to be political and give notes yeah yeah yeah I have to be nice to people now there's some guy that just DMs me videos of

actual retarded people he sees around oh no he was like just taking this guy bagging groceries at his grocery store he's like you got to see this I'm like I've seen retarded yeah yeah wait how much is it giving you on patreon hopefully like a $20 guy that's that I'll say that's hilarious $20 that's a whale that's a zero dollar hundred percent oh really that's a hundred percent that's your dollar then say I steal screencap it put it on huff post and make some hey yeah comedian stands up to bullying did your company offer like legal aid at all you know what I've already and again they're not my company they're our company I got

a million clients like like but here's what happens on Wednesday so we get called in court right yes it's the trial and I'm sorry one more thing so I'm being accused of like all this anti-feminist shit then during the trial we discover that what does that matter I don't understand why that how that has any bearing on the fucking sewing is good matter but it does because the thing is like if you are accused of something terrible now it's on you like the and I'm not saying this to be like some sort of like myra like me who's gone too far thing it's like no terrible shit happens to women and I'm glad women have banded

together and put an end to it because it's disgusting I worked in LA for ten years it's disgusting but like here's the here's the ironic thing so we're being sued by plaintiffs not but I mean women you know they should have the ability to vote and like we should bully but like PBA PBA pro tour so one of the plaintiffs it turns out has a restraining order against her for stalking and harassing another woman whoa so the two people suing us it's Maddox and his girlfriend Maddox's girlfriend has a restraining order against her friend honey mustard real name by the way 480 pounds no his girlfriend is a fucking

model and and so she was contacting the other podcast hosts girlfriend's school and was writing anonymous stuff I got all the emails here I can show you guys later but was saying like this girl is dangerous this girl shouldn't be around kids this girl's a danger kids so so of course the people that are accusing us of being anti-feminist stalkers and abusers themselves have a restraining order against them served by the Los Angeles wild for doing the shit they're accusing us of so finally Wednesday we all get into court and the judge is like this is absurd the judge threatens to throw land down Maddox lawyers the dog

lawyer the dog bite lawyer threatens to throw him in cuffs in prison and the transcript is all available that rules on dot com slash stereo yeah buy it because I need the money yes to pay for this bullshit it's a 60 page transcript in every page is gold like the lawyer is saying well you know the bad guy lawyer is saying like well this cuckmus carols wasn't in the spirit of good fun if it were in the spirit of good fun and be one thing and the judge goes oh no free speech doesn't have to be in the spirit of good fun I assure you what they say on SNL about Donald Trump is not in good fun let me ask you this please let me let

me ask you this so and we got to take a break in a second but obviously it was for peace of mind that you hired a lawyer yeah because if I were sued with something like this with something that's obviously just a bullshit lawsuit I would just wait till the trial and assume that a judge would throw it out immediately mm-hmm so I mean that you just got the lawyer because you wanted to make sure that you wouldn't lose any money to Maddox or well the first thing they did was file for a default motion 10 days earlier something yeah there's a thing I get served when when you get served you're like 30 days respond yeah

like way before that limit they file a default motion say he hasn't responded therefore we want the clerk not the judge to award us $20 million and stop him from ever mentioning the name Maddox ever again on any recorded medium in history yeah they're looking for injunctive relief restricting my free speech so if I didn't do anything the clerk would have rubber stamped it yeah and I would have had a $20 million lien put against me what really yes I we like to think that that like there's justice and that everything will work out and unfortunately you only get the justice you can afford in New York in California

I think things would have been a lot different it's why they sued us in New York was a tactical move um so the judge is saying like but you could you could have done something to like did not or do you couldn't you just responded so that they couldn't have just defaulted you well I talked to 15 different lawyers before going with my guy Jordan Greenberg who's the goddamn best I was getting quotes 50 grand 75 grand you know that kind of thing I fucking love executive television network he's the guy this guy's the goddamn best he's so goddamn funny he's hiding secret hidden messages like there's an acrostic you

know that thing we're like the first letter of every line on a page spells out something George Washington's that he spells cock lol suit cock miss Carol's like he's putting in hidden he's put he's saying like this lawyer Landau is like a dog without a bone like he's just barking at us and bar these are barking sanctions motions in front of the fact he's a dog bite lawyer right like he's putting in all these dog jokes like my lawyer is like filling this thing with gags it's so goddamn great and yeah the judge says you know the judge goes just halfway through the trial some guy covered in dogs comes in he's like

where's my god damn money landau I've had these corgis only nine weeks they're adorable sure but still where's my body all right real quick we gotta talk that lawsuit sounds like a real gamble and if you like gambling folks check out bet the s i dot com it's the number one sports betting website on the internet they've been on business for over 20 years paying winners they got an easy to use mobile interface interface interface interface that's the word play when get paid they offer odds on pretty much everything else aside from sports if you're gay you know you don't have to bet on sports you could you spent on

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is it going to be dismissed or the case with um so here's how it ended the judge said this complaint makes no sense I can't tell what crimes you are alleging mr. coconut has been accused of and the reason it makes no sense is because what this lawyer did was he found a bunch of angry fan comments call max a cock and call him this and that he put them all in the complaint and then he attributed it to the defendants with the other podcast hosts he treats a lot of what that guy says to the defendants and the judge keeps saying you keep saying defendants defendants I want to know what mr. coconut is accused of land I was

there with like a 14-year-old boy paralegal looks like the god damn pagemaster and this little fucking like Kevin Macalester looking kid is running over and pointing at things like say this say this say this land I was lost land I was reading his own complaint and can't find like a single thing that is alleged to that I've said that has been defamatory or that broke trade laws or was stalking and harassing yeah so the judge says you got to rewrite this whole complaint and we're all gonna meet back up here and we're gonna deal with this again damn so the case was dismissed for everybody else because everybody else

was in fucking LA yeah so like it was dismissed on jurisdictional grounds for them but I'm in New York and so that's so so sorry it's you know what shit happens in comedy in 2018 like everybody's that's wild though dude everybody's mother gonna cost you 30 grand basically for nothing that's what it's going to end up costing right now it's a 24 grand we got to go back in there my lawyer's got to prepare for a couple hours got a right new thing he's good we're gonna be in there for a couple hours we gotta we gotta wrap it up at the end now you can write all that off on your taxes so you get it all back I

have no idea I don't know I hope I can but but I don't know how that works yeah I actually that's that's my whole thing is I'm mr. I'm mr. don't pay taxes immediately but you just roll up he's getting arrested yeah great name though mr. don't be like that's good ranging I gotta pay an estimated in like two weeks and it's gonna have to it's gonna be probably around $30,000 God making a hundred and twenty thousand dollars a year more than that good man he's got guns are you single I don't have guns arms I hate to say this but unfortunately I got to get back to Manhattan work oh hey thanks for

coming thanks for this is great buddy I love to give a plug if you guys want to help out with my legal defense and if you want to read the transcript and it is just full of an 80-year-old New York judge screaming at a dog bite lawyer about the word cock oh and then the lawyer is like here's what he said cock cock cock cock cock Maddox is a cock he's reading lyrics from cockless carols and the judge is like so what it's like calling him a jerk yeah and Landau goes no no no what you're saying is you're threatening the very foundation of his manhood so now Maddox who doesn't want to be called a cock

and suit a guy not to be called a cock forever in the New York State Supreme Court there is a document of a judge calling him a cock a lot forever and there's an album in the Library of Congress called cuckmus carols where he's being called the cock and I'm also calling him a cock right now you fucking cock it's weird because I wouldn't get the impression that he's a stupid guy he's emotional right like because because the thing is it's like hey if you don't want to be called a cock on the internet you probably shouldn't talk about it right because whatever you say on the internet that you don't want to be called that's

where it's why I asked people not to call me big dick coconut so but the thing is when this dude slept with his ex he had a huge emotional reaction yeah and then he justifies it with logic later he's like well no it's not about sleeping with my ex it's about trust if you ask me about it no way exactly and then with this thing with cockless carols he's saying like well I'm being harassed and stalked and it's like it's not about that you don't like being called the cock he has an emotional reaction and he finds a lawyer who will express his emotion in a logical format unfortunately for him the lawyer did in the most

illogical way possible sure and that's how that guy rose Landau wearing at court yesterday Landau was wearing a jacket that was too big and pants that were too small just like that's a good look from Thomas and friends but he looks like Robbie Rotten from there's that there's the show busy town yeah I think Robbie Rotten and Schemer from Thomas and friends are very similar references I completely I don't know either of these I don't know Schemer I know because he looks just like Ben O'Brien Schemer oh right yes you show me that I have the same exact same it's pretty weird was Schemer one of those troublesome

diesels yes no no he's a guy he's a guy that was just in the station for some reason got it Thomas and friends would jump from the station Thomas the tank engine yeah okay I know I've action portion of the show I know that guy with Ringo star with Ringo star and then George Carlin right that's so weird yeah and then the movie Alec Baldwin really yeah as boys mr. conductor right I believe so yes yeah yeah yeah um he's just yelling at the trains like his fucking daughter calling him fat pig you spoil little pig Tina fang you cock sucking train Tina fang you've got to let me quit 30 rocks so I can go scream at

my train daughter put that caboose down close and his daughter's hot now is she Haley Baldwin if you got money she's a yeah she's on a show with the yeah it's a whole yeah we don't want to hang you up I'm sorry if I did you think I look there's there's pot there's dogs I would hang out here all day we're gonna get lunch afterwards but thank you guys so much for having me come back to the live show some time absolutely yeah great to meet you buddy hysteria mostly twitch but yeah you know signing off yeah check out patreon.com slash hysteria and go ahead and help them out with that lawsuit yeah it's

bullshit yeah and you left some comic books too serious yeah yeah you want if you want to plug those sorry I got a book on Amazon called toys for cheap it's a fake catalog of dangerous and insane toys like tickle me Elmore Leonard or Thomas the tank who's all grown up and now he's trying to murder Percy let me see what other what are the gags in this but I haven't pitched this book in years the Lana Del Ray gun which turns your voice and was smoking depressing mess oh the Dasha gun oh I thought that was the gun that makes you harass people on Twitter pretend to be trans we got a John Candyland the game

that benefited most from the death of John Belushi and keep these comics it's really nice you guys to have me on oh yeah all right later buddy yeah I guess we got to move on to the other topic for the show the death of Phillip Roth huge gentlemen yeah literary Titan passing away a giant of letters for us a giant of morning the passing of Phillip Roth a giant of pen and legislation pen and book a man of page and and by the glue that holds hardcover literary giant paper and ink and man of writer stuff immense size I was your favorite fat juicy eight inches nine and a half the amount of engorged hard hard big-ass dick

with his dick that was a thing he's horny shit isn't that I don't know I don't think I've ever both me and stop both me and stuff have read all of Phil or me and Adam have read all of Phil stop didn't know who he wasn't so your favorite broth quote before the show was that again it was when the when the when the when the tits get a splitting the cock gets a poor noise complaints the complain is oh this pussy still dry it's all about complaining about some new work gas I'm trying to get my day for a complaint Lebron's traveling that's the complaint my cock sucked in a glove factory that sounds cool is that what

that books about sort of yeah I'll read that book no it's about a Jewish guy that learns past choice of masturbation really New York City yeah it's about a guy that beats off and then Jews were very upset when it came out they said it was anti-Semitic and the ADL maybe I'm back in that's what does the ADL do they just come if you ask the anti-defamation league and all they do is just complain when they're slightly offended about something Jewish they don't really defend anything else other than Jews being yeah being in a tiff we would like to file a complaint against the song Allentown why is it not about

Israel why is the song not about Israel anytime let's let's take a look at how many songs Billy Joel has written about Israel zero today four songs about Long Island one song about Allentown zero about Israel that's anti-Semitism Long Island is technically that's anti-Semitism yeah you're anti-Semitic for saying nothing is like anything any kind of analogy whatsoever is anti-Semitic yeah there's this guy there their old head was this guy Abe Foxman who's just this old yeah the biggest fattest just this old time yeah yeah we did worse for

the public image of Jewish people yeah I was just humiliated single-handedly just destroyed what was his name was that Abe Foxman Abe Foxman yeah I'm just I'm just like a five inch big Cinnabon yeah yeah yeah sounds delicious a fat dumb dumb Abe Foxman fucks me yeah take that you gonna be offended yeah I got some free to fame this dick no but Philip Roth actually I was really loved him so yeah it's his books me too yeah yeah I'll give it a word especially I read it at like you know 15 like I was at the stand trying I was like wow Philip Roth I'm people like whoa look who reads books all right never mind it's

like a celebrity I don't get it yeah my friend Jonah you guys know Jonah his day he grew up in New York City his dad used to have lunch once a month with this guy Phil uncle Phil and he learned at like 24 that it was Philip Roth that's crazy and he didn't know who it was Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince yeah yeah it was a gay black fat black man Jonah who's the DJ and funny mom's mm-hmm biggest family stone for yeah DJ funny mom's and nephew Jonah guitar guitarist nice yeah there's a they made a film adaptation of American pastoral and pornist complaint oh really I don't know that the American pastoral one supposed to be

like a real piece of what American pastoral yeah it's amazing it's great but it's so good yeah yeah I gotta check all these out man yeah it's part of like yeah it's part of like a trilogy but I've I've only read that one yeah I never had a human stain or whatever the third I think I said we fight club yeah that's just fucked up Brett Brett Easton Ellis yeah I'm gonna yeah with Chuck P fucking the bucket yeah I got it I got a new idea for a novel right it's about a guy that goes around saying the n-word the black guys until they beat the shit out he's doing it for the insurance but it's actually about

capitalism what was that short story he he wrote about like getting a pool jet to blow water up your ass and people were like this is the most disgusting short story ever I think it was called like the jacuzzi floozy some like that they're like yeah Palinix read this at readings and people have passed out I'm like that's not true yeah people have thrown up for they've heard you know what I apparently everyone I like Juno Diaz but apparently he's a rapist now too no he like a lady at a party yeah I'd like that book Oscar wow huh Oscar wow she's funny dude it's a good he's a good writer yeah it's a rapist dude I don't

think he raped I think that he said something that someone said was sexist at a party or something I think it was I think it's people saying he was like an abusive relationship or something I don't know what about Philip Roth you think he right Philip Roth was misogynist 1000% oh yeah unapologetic yeah yeah but a fantastic writer I don't think he was an important American yeah yeah yeah people are gonna there was that whole Diaz there was that whole generation of like maybe you will not me I'll really insist on forgetting Norman Mailer shot his wife what yeah there was a whole generation what the fuck great American writers were

all fucking misogynist oh I thought he shot Philip Roth no no no Norman Mailer shot his own wife oh damn that's fucked up we're stabbed or something never see Maidstone stabbed or stabbed yeah what ever see Maidstone no it's not good it's actually it's so incredibly fucking bad it's funny really yeah what's it was a movie that Mailer tried to make it's the one where we're ripped horn like fucking they get in that fight that Tom Green and ripped horn I think that's Freddy got fingered yeah yeah that's what I was talking about daddy would you like some sorrow or rip torn get in a fist fight on the set and they just left it

in the movie oh really well really that rule they're like going at it but like that fight where it's you know it's two people don't know how to fight so they're like pulling each other's hair and they're on the ground damn awkwardly awkwardly yeah just like thwacking each other yeah damn that's fucked up I fuck with ripped horn though yeah me too already already already in fucking always had those ferns looking right mm-hmm one thing I like it's getting fucked in my ass the only reason I drink and drive is so I can go to jail and be great yeah we

have fun fuck I have a hole what do you guys want to get for lunch after this I don't know I was gonna see if I can do more I get to get that car fix so pretty hungies I want to try to do it yeah it's like a video game do you get on lock it dude yeah there's a game there was a Sega Genesis game called like shove it or something where you just bought as a board as a guy in a box factory and you like push boxes around and the cover is a guy pushing a box and he's like day dreaming about hot women in a car a Ferrari and a bunch of cash that's a video game you play on your time off look it up it's I think it's called

shove it I think I would definitely like see Nick playing like a politeness simulator yeah dating Sims I definitely remember trying those like a flash animation there's flash animation like yeah like you have to like try to fuck an anime girl but I don't know oh yeah yeah I've played those there was that game leisure suit Larry which we talked about you've talked about you brought it up a million times yeah shove it so shove it the warehouse game look at this shit it's hilarious yeah yeah that daydream is taking up a lot of the cover that guy looks like me yeah he is ugly right no he's handsome yeah he is

ugly where his backwards baseball caps like I do because I will never forget the 1990s unless any of you fucking dumb ass 18 year olds listen to show forget we are grown man that's right dude we remember we're 29 year old man we listen to warren spin doctors spin doctors two princes you know Gallimitri some fucked up Greek music my dad were playing his car deep blue something there's a there's just one great actually like a huge he has a 90s playlist we listen to in the car massive really know some deep cuts you put that uh you put that savage garden I want you that's a fucking what about that song dude great song so

where he's like a cherry cherry cool yeah yeah so cuz look at penis we're about the Greek song it's like that means we're both married but please return I beg you oh it's a song about two people cheating on each other cool so with each other which actually in hindsight was maybe my dad giving clues that he was gonna cheat on my mom he's double he used to blast that song in the car about cheating on your wife this girl I had to sing where I would like just sort of sing things that I meant you know so we just be sitting there like using your computer it's very therapeutic you should try that shit man a person that's just very

resentful and you hate anyone yeah you should try that check it out instead of just like airing your feelings check it out first of all never air your feelings in a relationship no destroy a relationship talk about your fucking feeling push it down yeah Professor Mullen did Dr. Mullen what are you insane talk about your feelings no that's stupid dude you go to the gym you guys read that a shout out to whoever sent me this fucking new guy that I'm obsessed with on Instagram this guy let me find his name real quick that the guy you sent me I don't know did I send Aaron or something no no no it's just

fucking this big fat guy who's like nice just like he looks exactly like you no he doesn't yeah you're trying to savage psycho you're trying to burn me savage garden savage psycho Johnnie looks like stop wow look at stop you know that what a squad is no not even though he's ugly I really want to comment on that video hello I gotta say he put benches 405 for 18 here's him benching 315 with a spot look how much work that other guys doing anyways I know that's looks pretty strong to me yeah no this guy's hilarious because he's like a grown-up version remember those kids with like emotional problems that had to be

in a special class for people like last year yeah most of problems that they're always pissed yeah the fuck are you looking at yeah I do remember that yeah just like that I was very scared those kids you're so angry they consider you retarded yeah type your sister son I'm sorry your son's retarded what was his disability he's pissed yeah he's got a pissed chromosome they put one of those kids in our like they didn't have anywhere to put I think you can get in fights the retarded kids so they put it you put them in like the class for the smart kids that class with all the smart kids should not be a fat class yeah I

wouldn't have not have been your son is in the GT programs are gifted and talented they're like well girthed and tubby class they just let them play better students because their hands can't wrap around the normal size pencil calculator that's only got four buttons for the larger students like stavros instead of deaths we just have beanbag chairs that sounds fucking good yeah jokes on you that sounds pretty cool guys here's your schedules for the year as you can see period one is lunch cafeteria two is cafeteria three is recess or you can choose the elective of cafeteria for sound applied math that's mostly figuring

out how many cupcakes number five is science which is looking through a microscope at your dick period seven is social studies where we mostly just tell you how to accuse other people of being the ones that smell bad on the bus very important in a fat person's life number six is Spanish and it's mostly just reading menus eating tacos how to pronounce fajita you know you joke that sounds great did you have the experience a little kid we go to a restaurant and like see like all the shit and you're like damn that's for adults like the oh yeah the kid

menu yeah you say that you were too mature for the kid menu when you're like that's four-year-old that is you I would think that if I mean excuse me just a five-year-old business cards right you brought a briefcase to school no briefcase filled with baseball cards no way these are for my office I remember I don't have a bedroom I have an office I remember a time when my parents took us to the Chinese buffet and it was like kids under like 11 or something eat a certain and this fucking lady like my mom had to insist that I was a little thing she looked at me like no he's got a painful price I was like I was so fat

they're like no they tried to like strong arm my mama to make me pay the regular fucking price I promise he's completely careless smooth boy I think I got pubes pretty late in the game yeah me too like 14 yeah not that late 14 yeah yeah I was I think I was 13 but it was that wasn't like but you fucked it wasn't not at 13 you fuck it like 15 15 yeah you fucked yeah but that's by that time all the pubes come in in your mind it's like puberty takes so long but that's because like yeah I mean compared to now now I just like years slipped by yeah that's yeah you don't have patience yeah I didn't have patience still like I

can't like the woodworking shit I can do I did not have the patience for it to last like four years yeah as a younger man I was too well you had patience where was bowling back in the day oh wow that already feels like a different episode yeah that's how long it's been well that that should do it for today let me plug some stuff I I finally found so I'm coming to Seattle 628 last Seattle you can already buy tickets to that last Seattle and scrambled so I'm doing the Frasier tour in Seattle the tickets are free the tickets are not free I think they're 15 online please buy those and I think I'm doing the siren theater in

Portland on July 2nd how about the guy run theater third I'm sorry the third birds the Stavros Halkia siren guy run theater takeover no women are allowed to attend the show not a single one if you buy a ticket here a woman get the fuck out get the fuck your ass out the fucking you get mad at the pussy so yes guys please come get sucked off at those shows I'm excited to go to the Pacific Northwest you're gonna suck off the entire I'll suck off all the pussy I'll suck to you's headlining Caroline's on Broadway sometime next month oh nice dude not break out real headline real headline real headline week a whole week

yeah yeah I think so whole week nice I gotta call Lewis back and to lock it in and moms on Monday oh fuck we got a book that got Memorial Day weekend if you're staying in town if you're in New York also visiting New York Monday night plug your other the Stavi baby on Twitch oh yeah hit me up on Twitch yeah that's my I love doing that so basically the Nina the pinta and the Santa Maria this twitch bullshit you figure out how to make money on there that I might go on the instinctually it seems like a dumb idea the other day we had fun yeah it's fun riff about the amount of pussy you get him in this for the twitch yeah I

can't come on bro that's proprietary dude weird though you got to thank people for the sub and stuff yeah I mean I'd like I know I just game in shit face yeah it's actually turned out into be a lot of work but I fuck with it yeah I had a lot of broccoli yesterday I guess are you farting I did so yeah if you guys are in town again we have funny moms this Monday the 20 whatever it is Memorial Day weekend real really though shout out really just fucking whoop god man right Adam's face yeah that's disgusting RIP Philip Roth I am sad about I really I yeah RIP Chuck Polanyak or whatever Chuck Polanyak

his name yeah Palin Palin yeah Palinik Palinik right I actually also Brett Easton Ellis wrote that book anyway what book fight remember that that was like a thing you could really piss off Brett Easton Ellis on Twitter if you just did tell him I really enjoy your book oh really five years ago that was like the big job I could just say I love fight club that's hilarious fucking right that fucking I was too busy having sex with guys but serious isn't here but thank you a stereo stereo holler at a stereo yeah support his lawsuit all right later bye guys