The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 105 – Writers room

Episode Date: May 31, 2018

I show yall how tv writers work

Motherfucking begin. This is our first or second episode with intern Stabros Stabros on the ones and motherfucking twos Well on the L's R's make sure all those inputs are set correctly. I think they are all right. They're all on He has the headphones in so you can hear all of us. I can hear everybody. Everybody sounds good. Everybody sound good What about me? Can you hear me? Bill Clinton, here I am. Here I am. Here is me. There's one thing I love it's Heading back down to Arkansas to get a nice sweaty hog shoved up my oh, yeah, my country boyhole

That's right putting a cigar in a man's ass. Yeah smoking it. I like to get a blowjob. Where's Montel I literally did the Montel Lewinsky joke I'm pretty sure I've said that on the show before. That's funny. God damn. He's a marijuana addict. You know, we can have bad episodes that are filled with dead air, but repeating bits will be the death of this fucking thing.

We never do it. No, we've done it. We've done it numerous times. I'm just kidding. Are you? Yeah. Well, that's the first time you've ever done a just kidding on the show. Yeah, just kidding.

You've never just killed him before in your life. It's true. I'm dead serious, normally. We got a regular Joshua Jewish over here, Josh and us. Oh, hell yeah. I was just doing a Joshua a Joshua tree. What's Joshua tree? Joshua tree.

It's a type of a tree or a desert plant. It was also a U2 album. Yeah. U2. Why was you too famous? Their music all sucks dick, right? Because no, they're not as bad as people said it. If all the shit that Ireland exports, you two is the only thing that's not like complete

and utter trash. What about the cranberries? The cranberries are suck me. Everybody's not that bad. Everyone's really sad when they're leaving. Deirdre Lucky Charm or whatever the fucking name was. Yeah. I mean, are people like going to cranberry shows?

I guess so. I guess, yeah. It's funny. Yeah, in the 90s. No, I mean, now. I guess. People go to fucking everything, dude. I mean, people will go see like Pauli Shore because it's about going about your youth.

It's pretty impossible to lose anything. Well, like who's, you know, who's going to like, like, I can't wait to go see Marcy Playground. Hell yeah. I smell my own penis. I smell my dick in my ass. Through my jeans. I smell dick inside my ass.

You smell it. That's the only sense you have. No feeling in my ass. You smell it. Yeah. I know this. Yeah. It's like the sixth sense.

And then Haley Joel Ozman. Yeah. Yeah. I know this. I know this. I know this. I know this. I know this.

I know this. Yeah. I know this. And then Haley Joel Ozman, he's pulling the covers up and he's like, I smell dick. Everywhere I go, I smell dick. And they're angry at me. They're all angry at me. Bruce Willis is like, can you smell the dicks right now?

And he's like, yes. And then it pans out and Bruce Willis' pants are down. Your dick's been out the whole time. The whole movie has dicks been exposed. That's why his wife won't talk to him during that restaurant. His dick's just out. He's like, God damn it. Speak to me.

She closes the bill and leaves. Whatever. So the ending is we find out. He's a ghost. He's dead. Yeah. So what happens is, so there's no, you know, Haley Joel just has to go through life seeing ghosts now.

Yeah. They never followed up. But Bruce Willis is the ghost that helped him. Right. Because he's like a child psychologist and his unfinished business was like, you know, because he had that patient. He couldn't help. And the patient he couldn't help was Donnie Wahlberg.

Donnie Wahlberg killed him. I got a young patient. This kid, Donnie, he's got terminal Bostonitis. I just keep hearing the N word everywhere I go. It's okay, Donnie. That's normal where you're from. I just don't want to hear the N word anymore. Make the N word voices go away.

You failed me. You failed me, Dr. N word. It's okay. Well, it's Stevenson, but I see, I see your point now. So, uh, Haley Joel just has to keep seeing dead people. Uh-huh. Uh, yeah, but he was, he's cool with it now because he's gotten some psychotherapy. Gotcha.

Yeah. This is cool. So I'm getting the New York Times home delivery. So I'm just summing through the headlines here. Nick's a newspaper reader. In the arts page four, we got a headline, an era when no Chinese need apply. In the art section?

In the art section. In the utopia? Well, racism against the Chinese is an art in and of itself. My argument for that is that I do it for a living. Yes. Every cent. You sneak one voice in at least. I wish I didn't have to, but now, last night, again,

the best part of last night, I did. Did you do? Haley Joel, and then I had to fucking do the Chinese voice to save it. Well, you could have not done it. I could have not done it, but the joke wasn't funny until I did it. No, it was funny. Now you're just in your head, dude. Maybe I am.

You're just in your head about it. I'm never not going to be in my head. Which, like, when you, uh... You know, it's funny. I was browsing the, uh, the subreddit, which I don't often do. Oof. Why? Um, well, because the cha-po, I saw the cha-po thing,

and I thought I'd check ours. Pop over? Yeah, pop over. I guess. Uh-huh. There's good content on there sometimes. Some of the kids are funny. Uh, most of them could easily replace any of us on the show.

Next. I don't know. Maybe me. I'd say maybe 70% of them could replace you. Probably 10% stop, and then 8% me. 8% of them could replace you? Probably. Yeah, let's say so.

I don't think so. That's fair. The problem is, is that none of them know how to do levels on record. That's true. That's what makes us successful podcasters. You gotta get gear. Yeah, I know all about gear head. I'm basically a sound engineer.

You know, I understand how knobs work. What kind of buttons to press. Yeah, I feel like. It's also, I got the New York Times home delivery. So I stay informed. That's so true. Let's see some dumbass millennial try that. By the way, aren't, like, aren't millennials, like, old as shit?

They are. I feel like the label should scale down, because you know what? I'm a fucking grown man. I don't want to be called a fucking millennial anymore. What's the next one? Gen Z? No, I want to be the greatest generation. I want credit for defeating the Nazis.

Yeah. Storming the beaches is normative. Yeah, yeah. We got to outmeme the Nazis, boys. That's our world war two. Yeah. We got to fuck that fucking take down Pepe. Yeah.

Pepe's going to get a big suck. Is that a battle still happening? The alt right? Yeah. Does anyone give a shit about that? I think people have moved on. Right. They should.

Although, Roseanne's bringing it back. Why don't we all just get in the model airplane? Yeah, free Roseanne. Free Roseanne. Oh, yeah. Our girl Roseanne. Our official stance is that we should bring back Roseanne. Someone tweeted today, bring back Roseanne, replace her with stop.

Maybe a good show is you let all, all cast black woman remake of Roseanne, but it's called Nozan and they all wear anti-Semitic giant noses. Yeah. So they're black women making fun of Jews and, but then it's the plot of Roseanne. Okay. That way everybody wins. It's a show that I would like to watch. I would watch that.

I had a curiosity. It's filled with black women. I'm wondering what middle America gets Roseanne back with a caveat. Sure. It's filled with black women making fun of Jews. Now, are these prosthetic giant noses? Are they black or are they white? They're white, of course.

Yeah. Okay. So on their black face. On their black face. Okay. So you know it's fake. Yes. Just to make it look extra fake.

Right. Well, in that case, then it's fine. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I'm fine with that. I think I'd watch Nozan. Nozan is a, all the characters are all black women.

Yeah. So John Goodman. Black woman. Black woman. Who plays John Goodman? Leslie Jones. Leslie Jones. Okay.

Leslie Jones. We got to get Sherry Shepherd in the mix. Nisi Nash with her big titties. By the way, shots out to the commercials they show for claws. On TNT during the NBA playoffs. Yeah. I've just fallen into watching claws because Nisi Nash's big ass titties are just all the way out.

What's the time stamp? We are at eight minutes and 24 seconds. Eight minutes and 24 seconds. Custom. Ooh. My man doing a fucking timer. It's a whole timer here. Is that the series three Apple watch?

Yes, it is. Oh, very nice. Yes, it goddamn is. You know what the problem with claws is? They got Carla from Scrubs. They got the bald guy from Breaking Bad. The other guy. But they got Carla from Scrubs and she's real butched up.

Not hot at all. Was that Zach Raff's girlfriend or the blonde girl? No, no, no, no. Carla, bro. Which one was Carla? The sexy Latina that was hanging out with fucking Turk, dude. Uh-huh. Oh, they used to fuck.

Oh, dude. Was it Stacey Dash on that show? No, no. Oh, the reason I brought up. What is this? Chocolate on here? If that's shit and I'm rubbing my finger in it. Why would there be a shit on Apple brick?

Why would there be chocolate on it? Because it's on a table. We ate chocolate on the table. We ate chocolate a couple of episodes ago. Well, numerous times in my life I've thought shit was chocolate by accident. Fool me once. I don't want that happening again. Not before my 30th birthday.

I want to close out my 20s with a smooth seven incidents of thinking shit was chocolate. What was one other incident? Oh, I don't know. I mean, really, I'm only thinking of the time I put a cocoa puff in my mouth that turned out to be a ball of lint. I thought it was a little shit pellet. No. It would have been awesome. No, I've never put shit in my mouth, I don't think.

You've never just looked down the toilet and thought it was some chocolate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa, that looks delicious. Damn, chocolate. Damn. Yeah. That's wild. Hype the fool myself once.

That looks delicious. What did you say though? You said you just remembered something? Oh, yeah, no, no. I was saying I went on the subreddit. There was some good stuff on there. There was a story about a Down syndrome. Oh, yeah, the top surgery.

Is that what you got that for the subreddit? Yes, I did. The one you sent it to us? Yeah, a child with Down syndrome who's dying in an intensive care and they're raising money to get a top surgery. Oh my God, really? Wait, it's dying too? Yeah, it's a dying down syndrome. And I'm only saying it because I don't know the gender.

He? I don't know the pronouns. Top surgery is getting your tits removed, no? Yeah. Or maybe it's getting tits. I think you. Maybe it's getting big juicy double D's on that dying, poor mentally disabled kid. That would be a good make-a-wish for just a little boy.

Yeah, it could go either way, dude. You could get tits or have tits removed. Top surgery doesn't necessarily mean one way or the other. That would be really funny if it was just a diet. I just want a straight, my young son is dying. I want his wish to be to get double D titties on the way out. Yeah, we do an open casket for you. He wants to meet the Dallas Cowboys and get a huge pair of fixies.

John Cena and just fucking double D's. Yeah, he wants John Cena to suck on his tits. How about John Cena Man's penis going into his mouth? That's good. I feel like we didn't get enough mileage out of the wife of the day laborer named John Cena. John Cena? John Cena Gonzalez. J-O-N-C-I-N-A, one word.

Yeah, John Cena. You know, some of them are just technically functional. Beautiful. Beautiful. Pieces of machinery to work. They don't deliver as promised as much as they should. It's more beautiful to think of them as a concept as an idea. You know what I mean?

Like John Cena. That's in your head, dude, and you smile. You don't have to take it out for that long of a spin. Yeah, anyways, the Italian president sinks coalition to it. You know what? I don't know who the Italian president is. Isn't it still Berlusconi? Is it still Berlusconi?

No, Sergio Madarella. What? They got a new guy? What awesome name. Yeah, it hasn't been Berlusconi for like seven years. Berlusconi fucking rocks. Berlusconi rules. He's fucking 17-year-old girls at parties.

Remember that video of him touching that, pretending to fuck that woman's ass? No. Really? I remember there was a video of him getting out of a limo in a woman's box by, and he's like... I feel like he was like the... He was Trump before Trump, because he was like a rich ass businessman. No, he's cooler than Trump, though.

He owns like the media there. He owns AC Milan. Oh, damn, he does? Yeah. That rules. Yeah. He rocks, dude. Yeah, what were the parties?

Bungabunga? Oh, yeah. Doesn't that mean ass fucking? Something like that. Him and a bunch of like old Italians, and he's just fucking belly dancing. That's gross, though, when you think about who has to fuck Berlusconi. Oh, no, I think... This is a fun headline.

ASAP Rocky tests the limits of a box. What box? I mean, I'm assuming... I think it's a... Blowing out the back of a 14-year-old who attended his show last week. ASAP Rocky turns to me and smiles. I love fucking Gash. Oh, that's cool.

Yeah. We're in the double tree after one of his shows in Stanford, Connecticut. And the girl is crying naturally. Her cervix has been pressed all the way in, dude. Small intestine. What is that? How did this get passed in there? ASAP Rocky tests the limits of a box.

Yeah, dude. It's art, dude. Did he... What are they referencing? I don't know. There must be some art installation where he... Yeah, he's a performance installation lab rat where he's in a box. He's like a renaissance man.

I feel like that's what... I feel like everyone would do that for a while where you'd like lived in a window, you know what I mean? David Blaine did it. Yeah, David Blaine did it. Hannibal Lecter did it. Magneto did it. Yeah, Magneto doing it was cool. Yeah.

Plastic box. You have to put him in a plastic prison because he can use his mind to control metal. You know what I don't understand is how, like, can Professor X do the same exact thing? Professor X can do it with everything. Right, right, right. And he's like, this is my greatest foe. He's a guy that has the same powers. With only metal.

Only metal and he can't read minds or control people. Damn. Professor X should have done way more shit. Of course. He should make Magneto suck his dick and then it's like, yeah, try to take over the world now. Why don't you have that memory in your head for the rest of your life? In fact, I'm going to control your mind so you have flashbacks every 20 minutes. Every time you start to think about taking over the fucking world.

Boom, there it is. Surprise. Well, you're a line of Chevy's, you know, just trying to get some chicken tortilla soup. And then boom, there it is. My fucking cock all the way down your throat. Was that a subtext? We said they were getting together? Yeah, I think so.

That's like a subtext, right? For sure. I just saw a movie with Peace Dew doing an American accent, but not, he was just making absolutely no effort to do an American accent. Have you seen Green Room? I have. Oh, people say that's good. We watched it this weekend.

It wasn't that scary, I'll say. No, that's a great movie. But it was cool. You're a dumb bitch if you think that's not a good movie. I thought it was a good movie. I just think it was scary. What's his name? Jeremy DeSolnier?

It's the same crew that did like Blue Room, right? It's the director. Solnier, something like that. Professor X could make Magneto suck his dick and shit. Why can't he just walk? Right. People have made that point. I mean, that's funny, but I've heard that before.

You could fly, too. You wouldn't even have to walk. Yeah. He also can't make his hair grow. Yeah, what the fuck? He should have a beautiful wig. That's the first thing he's doing. That's funny.

It's like it's a future world where people can control everything and there's absolutely no way we'll ever cure baldness. That will never be cured. Damn, dude, I want plugs, dude. And then Beast was supposed to be like what? Frasier if he wasn't gay? Frasier, yeah. Blue Frasier?

Yeah, they're like Beast, listen, we can cure you, but you have to be a gay man in Seattle. He's like, no. I don't think I'll do that. Wait, Beast in the first class and all those, he's like a guy sometimes in blue sometimes. He's always blue. But later on, he's always blue. Yeah, I don't know. Oh, in first class, I think he turns blue.

He fucks up his experiment and he makes himself extra mutated. Oh, it's from an experiment? He just had fucked up little feet, little beast feet. Yeah. And then he becomes a beast full time because he fucks up. And he has like a tail. Because he was like Icarus. He flew too close to the motherfucking side to cure himself.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? So now he's blue as hell all the fucking time. Yeah. That makes sense. He could probably lay it down though. He could probably lay some beastly pipe. He fucks someone, I think, in like those prevoices.

Yeah, yeah. I'm sure he could. Are there any animals that have fur on their dicks? Yeah. I would think so. Peacocks. Peacocks don't have fur. People, they got the feathers all over their dick.

They do. Yeah. Oh, that's cool. And then it expands. Have you ever seen a turtle's cock? No. It like opens up. Whoa.

And it's got like four, like a platypus's dick, it's got like four trumpets on the end. That's that rule. It kind of looks like an air raid, Simon. Hell yeah. Does that do it for you? No, it kind of bothers me. It's unsettling.

It's not how it's supposed to be. Yeah. That's not what a dick is supposed to look like. Would you rather fuck or be fucked by an air raid siren looking genitalia? Like if there was a pussy that looked like an air raid siren, would that do it for you? No. Okay. What if it made the noise when you made her talk?

Yeah. What if it was a loud type of pussy? I don't understand why people have to like, they assume that an autistic obsession is somehow sexual. It's just like sonically pleasing to something about the technology. I don't, I don't know what it is about air raid sirens that attracts me to them. Do you like it when the orthodox do it? Every Friday.

Every Friday night. Every Friday night, I fucking day. I go to the window and I listen to it. For those of you that are not from New York, the orthodox people play an air raid siren right before Shabbat starts. It has been like that since I was a little kid. Any time I heard it turning, I remember the first time I heard it like a, like a storm warning or when they test the air raid siren, I was like, what is, oh wow.

Yeah. You're like, this is it, baby. I was like, what is that? Yeah. I was like, what is this sound? You can hear it everywhere. Yeah. Yeah.

Um, no. And then I didn't, yeah, until I was like older and I had spent like five hours watching air raid siren videos on YouTube one day, someone on Twitter made a joke about people with siren autism. I was like, haha. What's that? And then I found out that that's like a, what does he listen to in the account when he has the strobe light and then he's like rolling his body, he listens like metal, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Starbucks is closed. Oh, what were you saying? No, I just imagining you, when you finally find happiness, it'll be you just in a room by yourself with an air raid sound playing and you're just smiling, dude. Yeah.

You got your eyes closed. Fuckin. No, I mean, the only way I'll ever be happy is if I get that Frank Frasetta painting. 1.8, a cool 1.8 mil brother. That's really, that's how much money it takes to be happy in New York. You need to be like a fucking multi-millionaire, otherwise you're still like somehow. And it's funny because I remember that like, there's articles about it like four or five years ago, I read where it's like people saying like, you know, $250,000 is not a lot of money

in New York. And it's like, oh, shut the fuck up, you know, but now that I'm here, it's like, you know, you got to buy the racing wheel, you got to buy all the cocaine, you got to buy all this shit. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I have to put my son in private school. Mm hmm.

Where'd you send him? Dalton? I sent him to Dalton. Dalton from Roadhouse. Oh, nice. I sent him to a guy that dresses up like Dalton from Roadhouse and teaches him how to bar 10. For $40,000 a year.

I need you to learn my son how to bartend. There's only three rules here. Number one, be nice. Number two, I forget the other two rules in the movie Roadhouse. I've never seen Roadhouse yet. You have it? I'll watch it. It's so much fun.

We should do a Roadhouse episode. I'd love to. I'd love to burn through an hour of this stupid show. Swayze, baby. Rest in peace. I would love to RIP the Swayze man. Wait, so you what movies have you seen Swayze in? Dirty Dancing.

Ghost. Ghost. Yeah. Have you ever seen Dirty Dancing? It's pretty funny. Pretty much just ghost, I think. Also, Dirty Dancing. Yeah.

It's about a guy that shits himself every time he does dancing. Dirty Dancing, New Delhi. What is Dirty Dancing? It's about a summer camp. They do salsa. In the 50s. I've seen it. But you go to camp with your family.

I've seen the movie. Wait, is that the one with John Lithgow? Nobody puts Baby in the corner. Is that John Lithgow? No, no, no. The guy from Law and Order plays the dad. Bum bum. What's his name?

Ice Tee. Ice Tee. No, no, no. It's Ice Tee. That old guy. What's his name? I can't believe my gay ass son is doing dancing. Especially that dirty ass thing.

You want to come in here and do dirty fucking dancing? Not on my watch. They listen to... Tell me why you raped that little girl. What, you think raping a little girl makes you a man? No. Dancing doesn't either. Damn, dude.

It's about having a ponytail and leather jacket. That's what being a man is about. Does he still have like a wet ponytail? Always, brother. I love that look. Yeah, you should go... Dude, I'm going to get a wet bald ponytail. I'm going bald enough soon that it's going to happen, bro.

How do you get your hair always looking wet like that? Dude, just fucking... You need some sort of product. A pomade, baby. A little bit of pomade, cocoa butter. You know what I do? I stay pissed off. You know how they have those little squirt bottles to scare cats with?

Yeah, you just got to be spread. Wait, who's got a squirt bottle to scare cats with? Just a regular spray bottle. Oh, okay. I have one of those for my bonsai trees. Yeah, exactly. Which, hey, if you're one of these bonsai pros out there that's DMing me to call me a faggot, then I'm not going to bonsai.

You know what? That's not what bonsai is about. Everybody has their own journey to the bonsai world. They're like, it's going to take 10 years before that even looks like a tree. Well, so be it. Yeah, we've got time. I'm going to be an old Japanese man. That's right.

There's a little cottage and a hill somewhere. You know, it's got nothing but time, brother. Just bench pressing and fucking doing bonsai. Bro, I did a fucking masterful home workout with my little brother the other day. What'd you do? Nick was up here. You fucked your brother? I fucked him in the ass.

By the way, guys, it's almost home workout month. June, in honor of Chris Benoit, who did the ultimate home workout. Sponsored by Bowflex Total Gym. God damn, dude. Yeah. That was a big. We were laughing about that at the live show. I was saying this morning to Amber that they're, you know, they did the OJ series, American

Crime Story, and they did the John Benet one. There has to be a dramatic 10 part series on the Chris Benoit. You just find all actors that look exactly like Chris Benoit, you know, one that looks exactly like Chris Jericho. Yep. And then you could just get Jericho. You could just get Jericho's around. He's available.

He does himself an actor. He did. He did people talking sports. Did he? Yeah. He's a cool guy, right? Yeah. He cares about.

Well, anyways, you get him to do a dramatic series about the death of his colleague. And yeah, that would be a great, I would watch the shit out of that. That would be the series of the summer. 100%. And you know what? I don't know what, how optioning the story works or what's legal in terms of doing that shit. But I might write a little spec and pitch it to my agency that doesn't speak to me anymore.

Technically. No way. I know it cost that company $6 million with my comp podcast. But what do you think about this? Just a little quick treatment. This guy murdered his family with wrestling moves a decade ago. Same vein as the John Benet Ramsey series. We do a series about a man with CTE murdering his family and then hanging himself in the

bow flex straight to voicemail. Okay. Your main Crippler cross face to son to death, dude. That is a literal finishing move. Well technically. If he killed his entire family, then no one owns his estate then, right? I'm pretty sure. I was nearly a lawyer.

That's right. So that means that the story you could just use. Yeah. You don't have to pay anyone. Or you probably don't have to. If it's a public story and they're public figures, why, why wouldn't you be able to? I guess we can do the unlicensed story. Yeah.

Crams Ben Oy. Do you have to pay anyone to do the OJ series? I think, I don't know. A lot of times people just find a book and then they, they option the book. Ah, they must have written a book about it. Let's option that. Yeah. Let's start our own studio.

Yeah. Let's go bankrupt. Every cent we make on Patreon. Well, why don't I just write the Chris Ben Wah book and then I option it for myself. Then you can pay yourself double. I get double money. They get double money. I get a book advance and then I option it and I need extra money from the book publisher

to option my own story. That's a good idea. It's coming together. I like that. How about this? We start our own fucking publisher. How about this? I kill my own family and myself.

That way it's my story. It's your story. And then I'll be fictionalized my story as a man named Chris Ben Wah. That's perfect. Who's not related to the original Chris Ben Wah. They don't own that name. It's based on my story. Right.

It's a man who happens to be named Chris Ben Wah, but it's the story about me. You change your name. You change your name. Kill your family. We found it, boys. We found the legal label. Okay. You got to start a family.

Right. You got to let them grow up for like seven. Dasha, get in here. No. Don't make that joke. Okay. Don't make that joke. What do you mean don't make that joke?

She's going to be a millionaire. Dude. Well, no, she'll be dead, I guess. Who? Dasha? Yeah. She'll have to kill her and the child. Shit.

Who are we going to make? Who are we going to find? I mean, I guess Nick can get married to... The Chris Ben Wah story, the true story of professional wrestler Nick Mollon. That's the title. Right. Okay. You also need a WWE contract.

Yeah. You have to become Intercontinental Champion. So you need to... Okay. So you need to go... No. We start our own WWE. Oh.

Wait, but hold on. Was it W... Yeah, I guess it was WWE. Yeah. They switched it from WF and what? 98? 97? No, I think it was a little later.

Yeah, there was like a lawsuit. No, it was like 97 or 98 I think. I remember that... Or maybe I just remember learning what the World Wildlife Fund was in like 4th grade. Yeah. I remember watching Raw in like 7th grade and that was... Dude, I remember going... I think it was still WWE.

I remember going to Greece and being like, and we... They still had like very bootleg like video game rental shit. And me and my family would spend like six weeks or whatever at a time in Greece. And my cousin was like, big news, we're going to go get fucking rent a video game. It's going to be awesome. And he was like, what do you want? And they didn't have pictures. It was all bootleg.

They were just literally burn all the games. And one just said WWF and I was like, oh my God, yes, let's get this. It was like, that's like my big game to get while I'm in Greece. And we fucking put it in and it's just a bunch of gay ass pandas and shit. There was no fucking... There was no wrestling in the World Wildlife Fund. And it wasn't even like a game that you could do anything. It was like a fucking...

You remember those games where it was just like stories and you just like picked... It was like a choose your own adventure book or whatever. It was like, what do you want the pandas to eat bamboo? A, press A for eat bamboo. B for play around. It was the fucking biggest let down of my fucking life, dude. So opening scene, the Chris Benoit movie, he's in an exercise equipment store and he's looking over all of like the bow flexes and stuff. And you know, he's like the salesman's talking to him and he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is this one.

And then you just see that he's like going over the features and then from Benoit's perspective, his ears start ringing. And he's like zoning out and he doesn't really know what's happening. Oh yeah, that like high pitch. And then he like comes back and the guy's like, Mr. Benoit? Mr. Benoit. And he's like, oh yeah, sorry. They're like, are you okay? And he's like, yeah, I'm fine.

Title card. You know, perfect. You know, like the, and then just pictures of wrestling move superimposed. Yeah. I think you got Chris Benoit with the long ass hair. You know, title card. You got to open on a cold open, which is the crime, right? And then you got to spend the entire 10 episodes working back to the crime.

Yeah, 9-1-1 call. Hello brother. I went over here to check on my friend. Wait, did another wrestler find him dead? I don't think so. For this, for this whole token found. All right. I like that.

Macho man found. Oh yeah. Give me a second. I got to snap into a slim gym. Oh yeah. Elizabeth. Hell yeah, dude. Okay.

So, so that's okay. I like that. You got, you have him like zoning out. You can tell that he has a lot of trouble. I want to play Yokozuna in, I'm going to be in yellow face. Okay. We're not casting him right now, dude. Come on.

Let me be Yokozuna. Let's, let's, let's come up with an arc for the 10 episodes. Right. So the cold open is most important. And then yeah, we can probably bang out act one before we need to take a break for this guys. This is now a writer's room podcast. If you want to any, because look, I am a professional television writer.

If you guys want to see what it's like. This is the process. In the zone with me when I'm on the fucking clock, you know, when I'm not goofing off with my boys on a stupid podcast. This is how it works. Adam, go get the index cards. Yeah. I got that.

Go ahead and start putting holes in your wall. Okay. That's fun. Yeah. Can you just set up an entire like whiteboard system? Yeah. I'm going to get that whiteboard paint. You know what?

We need some Laquois and goldfish. Okay. I got Laquois. Let's take a minute and we're going to spend the next 20 minutes writing down our favorite Laquois flavors. And then we'll give that to the production assistant, which who is Adam is Adam. Well, yeah, as the only non-television writer on the, on the show. Oh, that's right.

I forgot you wrote for television. Yeah. Adam's the only one, which is funny because aesthetically, he's the most. He's the most. It looks like a TV writer. No, no, I've never written for television, but I am in the guild. Yeah. Yeah.

Hereditary. Yeah. It's fine. I don't really even consider myself a TV writer, but I guess I've written for like what, four shows? Are you in the guild? No. No.

I'm a week away. I was a week away. Are you kidding? Yeah. And then the show got canceled. The show got, well, I think it canceled just to get picked up. It was the end of the season. Yeah.

We filled the order. I guess that's cancellation. Yeah. But I was like a week off. And I probably won't at this point because if you look at the trajectory of my career, I mean, the writing job is sort of dried up. Yeah. Who knows?

Yeah. For me, I may not write for the same shit every year. But I guess. No. I've got something in my back pocket. You know, we'll see what happens. The Chris Benoit story? The Chris Benoit story.

Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. All right. Let's get back to this. Well, hold on. It's lunch break.

So we should take a minute to talk about gambling not only on our futures, but on sports, which you can do anywhere now. But why do it anywhere when you can do it with one of the best places to do it? BetDSI.com. That's right, bitch. They've been in business for over 20 years. They're not one of these new players to the sports betting game. They've been around for a while, and they got a great, easy to use mobile app.

I use it myself. You know, to bet on people I don't like, you know? Death pools. Yes. Right. Exactly. Easy to use mobile interface. You sign up.

You play. You win. A lot of fun. They have a great track record of paying out their customers, and one of the top-reviewed sports betting websites online. Now, I don't actually bet on sports, so you can bet on a lot of different things, a lot of events, you know? You've got the NBA finals coming up right now.

And the NHLs. And the Stanley Cup finals. Go Knights. Go. So you can place bets on things like who is Stanley, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Nobody knows who that was.

It was the guy that came up with the construction. Stuttering Stanley. Stuttering. Yeah. Yeah. Another guy. Yeah. It wasn't.

I don't know the difference between gambling and trivia. That's another thing. That's another thing that you can bet on. They offer live in-game wagering, so, you know, you can make plays as the game is going on. Hedge your bets when you're losing. Yeah. What are you guys?

You got some picks for us? What were your own bets? Well, the NBA finals are coming up, and it seems like I will maybe give LeBron one game. I'm saying Warriors in five. Game three, bet the Cavs. Yeah. That's where they go home. Yeah.

Yeah. Cavs game three. That's a safe bet. But I don't know what the line is. I don't even know if it's a safe bet, bro. I don't even know. It could very well be a sweep. It's looking like...

I hope not. LeBron is playing so beautiful. Like a pretty epic fucking mismatch. What do you think about hockey? Game seven. Game seven was a real sleeper, a sleepy loser. What do you think about hockey, bro? I did.

After Funny Mom's last night, we went home and we watched game seven on the television, but on my phone, I was watching the Golden Knights, the one game one. I mean, I could see that going. I don't know. This is such a fucking improbable run. Who do you take game two? Game two, I would take the Knights at home. There's a guy on the cap that's a suspender for the game for a late hit at the end of

the game. I don't really know much about hockey. I'm a fake hockey fan. I started... Actually, no, that's not true. I'm a lifelong Golden Knights fan. My grandfather is in the hospital and he's rooted for the Golden Knights for 85 years. And he is on, he's on death's door, but he just wants to see this.

I think there's magic there. And the magic of the magic of... Well, anyway, that all sounds boring to me, but if you place bets on this stuff at bettdsi.com, it makes it a lot more fun. It really does. In fact, while I was sitting here, I made $200 million. What would you bet on? I don't know.

Whether Adam sucks dick or not. Yeah, that was it. That was the one. I bet yes. I bet yes, and he did. So once again, go to bettdsi.com and use promo code CUM25. That's capital C. It's UM25 and you get free $25 wager on the house and 200% extra bonus when you deposit.

That's CUM25. Get your free wager. Start winning today. Might as well just take that free money. Go check it out. Develop a little bit of a gambling problem and you get them hooked. We're basically offering you a free cigarette or two if you've never smoked before. Yep.

And let me tell you, smoking made me the man I am today, a five foot one. I can't run up a flight of stairs. My dick doesn't work. My teeth are gray. It's very dark. A very dark dick that indicates some kind of circulation problem. Kind of a livery color? Yes, very much so.

Like pate. He's a dumbest pate. Right, it doesn't look like another race. It looks like a, like it's a dusting. Like a maroon. A boiled piece of meat. Right, like somebody left my dick in an attic. That's what I'm working with, folks.

And you can too. You can just go to bettyside.com, get your free $25 wager and the 200%. Extra bonus. Go gamble. It'll be great. And we're back. And what are we talking about? The Chris Benwas story.

Oh, the Chris Benwas. Yeah. Back at work. Let me plug my date in Seattle also. Well, in the middle of the show. 628 laughs in Seattle Thursday. That's already up. And then I'll be in Portland.

I think seven. We're still figuring that one out. It's probably going to be at the siren theater, and it's probably going to be either the third of July or the second or first. So anyway, hopefully it'll be up by the time you hear this, but yes, come out and see me right before independence day. That's right. All right.

So back to Chris Benwas. So okay, pilot episode, get the flashback 911 call. All right. Okay. So here's the book. It's called Chris and Nancy, the true story of the Benwa murder, suicide, and pro-wrestling's cocktail of death. So we're going to go free sample, and if you just read the sample, you don't have to option

the whole book. Yeah, that's true. It's available to the public on Amazon. Yeah. Yeah. I'm in a writer's room, what they call a maverick, you know, they call me legal's worst nightmare. They call me a goose because I like to, instead of doing my job, argue with the lawyers from Viacom about what constitutes fair use and harassment.

Yep. You're one of the finest legal minds. I know. Yeah, they really, they really enjoy having me around when I say, technically, it's not child pornography because the baby's penis isn't hard. Yeah. It's an instructional video. Yeah.

Yep. By Irvin Munchnick. That's this guy's name. Irvin Munch. That's Irvin Munchnick. Yeah. Yeah, maybe now he's going to murder his family and kill himself, too. He's a loose cannon.

It's me, Irvin. It's me. It's me. The loose cannon of being gay. Irvin Munchnick. He's a real loose asshole. Take that, Irvin, you fucking bitch. All right, let's go.

Let's start this. What's he say? What's Irvin say? I'm okay. He's reading. Here we go. It opens with a text message from Nancy to Chris. Grow up.

You're 40 years old for mighty sakes. Get off this stuff. It's obvious. I'm probably not the only one who can see you. You both know the WWE wellness program is a joke. Chris Benoit text message. The scandal isn't what's illegal. It's what's legal.

I don't know who Michael Kingsley is. I share an unintended badge of honor. This is a forward by Phil Mushnick. Phil Munchnick. His brother. His brother who also munches dick. Yeah. I don't know.

This is really. Fucking bitches. This is more about... What the fuck is this? Now it's all about his stupid last name. Boo. Staten Islander. Or when Mushnick became Mushnick, Irv was living in New York.

Oh, you're reading about the author. No. I'm reading the sample. Why is this included in the sample? Damn, dude. That's fucking bullshit. Never trust a Munch dick. All right.

Let's get into it, please. You guys remember Butt Munch? That was a good ass childhood. There was. Munch reduction is a digital edition. The dick. The dick jittle. A function.

All right. Don't let me leave me hanging here, guys. The dick. The dick jittle. Ass function. I got it. I got it. Throw me the ball a little bit.

Why so for me? Here comes the second unit. This is like that scene in Cliffhanger, where he's like just barely hanging out in the wire. Bye, everything. Oh, faggot. Dick Munch. Don't let go. Yeah.

Okay. Gay Irv. Yeah. Suck thing. All right. Where's God? What are you looking up at? The entire sample.

I'm looking up another Chris Benoit book. Okay. All right. Fuck it. We don't need the books. We'll make up our own goddamn story. All right. All right.

So he's in the. So from what, just from that sample. The Bow Flex thing. The conflict we have to establish is between him and his wife, Nancy. Well, to me, it sounds like already she's in there. Nancy, 350 pounds. Black one. Mm-hmm.

Hold on. We got the. I think your phone is on a cord. Oh. Is that better? Yeah, it's better. It's over now. Nancy Benoit.

Stav. DJ Stavros on the One's Motherfucking Two's. Let's see what this woman looks like. What kind of dispute are they're having at home? She's making lunch for the kids. Mm-hmm. Well, she was a professional wrestler, too. Oh.

Oh. All right. I don't know if I want that detail in there. No, let's get rid of that. Let's make her theoretical physicist. I like that. Because we contrast the two types of brain. Brains and brawn.

Yeah. So she's at the forefront of science. She was raped by Neil deGrasse Tyson in the 1990s. She's the woman that was raped by him? Yes. And that's why nobody knows who she is. And she had to marry a mental retard. Oh.

Yeah. She was living a quiet life in Hyde. Quiet life. Yeah. Hiding from the science world, but quietly doing science in the attic. Yep. Yep. Yep.

What if Neil deGrasse Tyson was actually one who killed everyone? With the attic where she lives, because it's the only place in the house that's not filled with exercise equipment. No. Yeah. I think we've got to fucking dissect the gunman on the grassy knoll. Neil deGrasse Tyson to cover up his rape. I like that.

Yeah. It's actually the one who Crippler Cross faces her today. That's what Chris Benoit is quietly dealing with. He's piecing together the fact that his wife was raped by Neil deGrasse Tyson. Okay. So he's got, like, in the basement, he's got a whole, like, set up, like, with, like, strings and, like, you know, coming up with, like, this. Who raped my wife?

It's actually just all the arms of the Bowflex lead to different people. Yes. Yes. Wow. Carnegie Melligan University Astrophysics. And he has to lift his weight. And he has to lift the strings together. Okay.

All right. This is coming in a nice way. This is a Bowflex store. And she's like, where have you been? And he was like, I was just at a bar drinking. And she was like, let me see your phone. He's like, I don't want to show you my phone. I've just been, I've been getting drunk all day during the day.

And she was like, you were at the Bowflex store again. He's like, get off my fucking ass. You don't know everything I'm doing for you. She's like, doing for us? What? Just because you put food on the table? And he's like, I do a hell of a lot more than that. And at the time, we're on her side because we don't know that he's solving her rape with

us. Yeah, I see. Okay. Yeah. Yes. So initially we just said, because people know the story, people know he murdered his family. So he has to look like a villain for a story. And then as, as we peel back the layers, he becomes a more sympathetic character as we

remove weights from the stack. Yes. And that's what the title card should be. It's like people's names and then different settings on the Bowflex lowering. Yes. And then as we get more deeper into the story, I'm going to be directing it as well. Okay. I think like something that can really add to this project is if we have a lot of dialogue,

dialogue free scenes of just a guy that did true detective. Yeah. We can have him. What's his name? Chris Yamaguchi. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We have a lot of, we need a lot of dialogue free, like sort of with just only like a kind of a hard rock soundtrack of men just getting ripped. Well, it has to be, what it has to be is getting strong moments where we're seeing the old Chris come through have to be under, underlined by hair metal because he always has to dial back to the 1980s.

Motley crew. Right. All kind of excesses that led to in fact, yeah. Right. We should get Tommy Lee on board. Yeah. Quiet riot. Quiet riot is good.

A lot of quiet riot. Yeah. Come on, suck my dick. The 80s were kind of like when steroids were king, right? Yeah. That was like a hot. And you know what? But we only hear it, we only hear it when Chris is driving around in his 1997 era star listening

to quiet riot on cassette tapes. So it will, it'll, it'll, you know, that satch quiet riot saturates the scene where he's storming out of the house after the argument with his wife and it dials back where it's just on the cassette while he's driving. And what that symbolizes is, is that Chris's memories of like the glamour of the 1980s saturate his entire existence. And he can't see that it's destroying his life when ultimately it's a very small low fidelity part of what's going on in the world at large in his era star that's filled with

yet another bow flex. Yeah. And the era star has two, has two bow flexes in there. He's addicted literally to buying both. Yes. Yes. That's his real problem. It's not the steroids.

It's the bow flex. And then Nancy or whatever the fuck her name is, she can't help herself. She's, it's been too long without science. Yeah. So then she goes, she sneaks back into the fuck of the observatory. Yeah. Well, she's, she's sneaking chemicals into his food to try and kill him, but she's accidentally making Oxycontin.

Oh, okay. So she's going to get chemicals and then she bumps into who does she see Macho Man Randy see Macho Man Randy's and in I'm gay, Nancy, I've got to tell you I've never, so I've never told anyone. No, you're not. She's burdened by this fact. Yeah. Wow.

She's holding Macho Man's secret. Macho Man's like, I'm going to tell you something. I was also raped by Neil deGrasse Tyson. Oh my God, so they're in sort of a sister. That's got to be like episode four of Survivor. That's when the show really falls off. Yeah. And the lawyers hiding drugs in her pussy.

Did she really? Yeah, dude. The night of just completely just the first episode is really good. The first episode is one of the best things I've ever seen on TV. Yeah. Yeah. I mean that like anxiety it creates with that fucking kid where you don't know and he doesn't know and it's just it was just real and palpable and then by the fifth or sixth

episode it was just a completely different. She really has drugs in her pussy. She hides drugs in her pussy and she's making out with him and it's like, what the fuck? Yeah, like what? At Rikers. The lawyer, I thought John like, not John Osama. I thought no, she has a lawyer that like can't resist his like sexuality. Oh, yeah.

So he like uses his like smooth talking ways. Yeah. No, she has like a hot Indian. No, John Titoro also gets the family, I guess gets they go to some big dick law firm who has an Indian intern or whatever. She's like a junior associate. She's a junior associate. Yeah.

You know, so she's basically. She's the sweet lime girl from Darjeeling Limited. Yeah. Never saw it. That girl that Jason Schwartman. Yeah. Yeah. Of everyone knows, stop seeing Darjeeling.

There's no way stop seeing Darjeeling. It's a good move. Is that what's his face? Wes Anderson. I've seen most of his movies. Yeah. Yeah. One time I was watching.

I wish I could get into Wes Anderson movies again. I wish I could just go to the theater and have a nice, twi, bullshit fucking experience. I didn't think the. I wish I wasn't so cynical now that I can't. It got more. You can't man. I haven't liked the last like two or three. Well, I didn't like the little kids dancing.

I didn't like that one. The hotel movie was good. The hotel one. I was kind of sick and tired. I think I was in a bad mood when I was watching it. I saw that movie on an iPad. How about a movie called Hotel Broanda and it's about a guy, a bunch of guys that lift weights.

Yes. And they were in a hotel in Africa. They exterminate each other. Just killing Africans. Right. They're still killing. They're still doing genocide. Yeah.

Yeah. But it's a bunch of like SoCal Bros. Yeah. Just getting beefed up and beating out. They're all named like laser. Well, that's an even more problematic version of Hotel Rwanda. That's worse than the Tooth Seas. Damn.

I thought they would just be gay together. Yeah. Anyway, it's back to work. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. Okay. All right.

So Macho Man Randy Savage getting raped by Neil DeSauce. No, no. But we got to figure out what happens in Act One that lets us know that this is only going to end with him murdering his family. Okay. Was that necessary? Because people already know the end. No, I think.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Didn't Neil. He didn't kill them. Dude in ours. Also, we should go back and rewrite the cold open. You think it's a false lie. I think it's a false lie. The cold open has to start with, you know, him sitting down at that bow flex, and he's

got blood. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course. After all, glue to his face. Yeah. Or the 911 call. Uh-huh.

Do we go 911 call? Mm-hmm. What are we trying to say with the opening? No, no, no. I think you're right. I think you have him sitting at the bow flex. We don't, we'll never know his motivation. You have to know our motivation.

No, but what we know, we see a shadowy figure at the bow flex, and everyone will assume. A shadowy figure? No. How did you get this job? How did you get this job? Benoit, dude. You have Chris Benoit. He's put on the choir in this house.

We know it's, we know it's, yeah, we know it's Chris Benoit. We know it's the Chris Benoit show. Okay, okay, but how about, I still think Neil deGrasse Tyson should brainwash him with science. All right. But beyond that. He's the ultimate villain. You don't want to disclose that.

I know, but I'm saying we need to keep that in mind. You want to keep that in mind. You want to keep that in mind. You want to have that. It's the police officer's scene of the crime. One cop's cleaning this up. And then one guy's like, yeah, this guy's like a, like a wrestler or something. And then the other guy's like, yeah, I used to be in this shit when I was a kid.

And that's, and that's, he's the greatest God damn wrestler that ever lived. Yeah. And then we go back to his childhood. Yeah. I love it. In Canada. Canada of Canada. Yeah.

That is. Canada's south. It's Georgia, Canada. What is it? Calgary. Shreveport Canada. The cowboy part of Canada. Yeah.

Yeah. So he's like running through the forest. He's chopping down trees and stuff, sort of that. Drinking beer. South rise. South Canada. Rise again. Exactly.

Maple leaf in the middle of a Confederate flag. You know, and he's a buddy. Maybe. Ooh, how about this? He accidentally kills his little brother doing a crippler cross face. That didn't happen. But we got, we got to fucking. That's like the flash.

That's the thing that's been haunting him. Haunting him forever. You do need something like that in his childhood. Exactly. Exactly. Something that he's been running from his entire life. No. You know what we flash back to?

The first time he has like a concussion, then the doctor's like, you can't do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's what you flash back. Right. Right. Yeah.

I agree. And it has to be. And then from that flashback. No. And it has to be. Flashback even more. But the doctor. I think the whole thing should be a series of flashbacks.

The doctor is Will Smith doing African voice from the movie concussion. Yes. Yes. Yes. Why are we going to make your noggin feel bad? I am a doctor who has taken the time to do a little research into what homosexuals do in the privacy of their own bedroom. They have a practice called anal feasting.

Yeah. Where one man's hand is inserted into another man's rectum. And it's so painful, they have to take drugs. And then Vince McMahon. My favorite part of that video is that they're just showing hardcore gay porn to like a roomful Ugandan parents. Yeah. The concussion.

Starring Will Smith. I am here to, in the capacity as the chairman of the task force against concussions in the NFL and also homosexuality in Uganda. It's true. Did you know that 68% of the gay community has CT from sex? Yeah. From getting their fucking brains smashed up. From getting their fucking brains smashed up.

It's true. That's how they do it. They do this fucking. Those big Ugandan dicks. They use them like fucking baseball bats on each other's heads. Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this?

And of course we got to use that name. No, we can't say the name. I just remember what the name was. The fake African name that we use sometimes. Oh yeah. No, that's for a sketch. That's why we can't do it. It's much funnier written down.

If you just say it, people don't know how it's spelled and they think it's racist. Yeah. We can't just say it. It is. It's a bad word. Yeah. Anyway, I said people don't know what it is. What word?

Possibly. Possibly. Yeah, but you don't know the slight change we did to that word to make it funny. All right. Okay. All right. I think if Chris Benoit has, it's do-do. It's professor do.

You have to have a central tension in the relationship, right? I feel like a soft day and word should sort of be a demilitarized zone between white people and black people. I don't know. I don't know if you're going to get that one. Okay. Neither of us should be allowed to say it. That's right.

Yeah. Why are they allowed to say it? How about the hard R should be? That's fun. Hard R should be the demilitarized zone. Because it's more of a proper pronouncing engine. You walk in that zone. Get too close.

You can get your ass into the fuck up. What if that's like a white guy that's mad at black people for changing the word? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Say it proper. Say it proper. Pull up your pants and use the ER. Use the ER, boy.

Wear a belt, tuck in your shirt and say the hard R. These lazy savages wasting all these letters. Government don't pay for their dinner. What? They got to waste the letters too? What? I'm out here drinking my own spit. Sitting on this poor drink of my own spit and piss all day because I lost my job at the

phone booth. They stopped putting, you couldn't bust open the phone booth, take the cords out of them. Ain't nobody using it. Well, because them savages done gotten cell phones now. Yup, it's true. Wasting all them letters. They love the text. But what?

You got unlimited text messaging. Type the damn R in there. Sitting here drinking my own shit. I got my big ass turd in the middle of a hot dog bun. I was sucking on it in this brutal July heat. I'm out here eating down real stew. I got a big old dog turd sitting on my head. I chewed on my clothes off my body.

These savages ain't... Sucking on my big toe. Getting all the puffs out of this infected flesh wound. An angry old racist who only eats his own bodily fluids. That's a Georgia summer for you, boy. That's Creole. No, that don't sound too bad. Yeah, Pierre St. Pierre.

What a great character that Adam doesn't know anything about. I wasn't there. Yeah, you weren't there. Yeah. That's right. You weren't fucking there, Nancy. I'm sorry. You weren't fucking there.

Oh, we going back to Benoit? Yeah. Nancy Benoit. Come on, man. We're at work right now. We should actually write this. I think this actually would be funny. That'd be a fun treat for the Patreon if we write a whole five act.

So it's just a movie? No. Five act story structure for like a 10 hour long drama. We'll write the pilot. I'll write a little treatment up for the whole series and then... You know what? We could probably actually pitch it. Why not?

But it has to be... If you could go look at some of the dumb ass emails I've sent to my manager with bad ideas. This one, not particularly shitty. Listen, we're passionate about the project. We're passionate about exercise. We're passionate about getting the story out there. And we're coming up on the 12 year anniversary. Which is technically the amount of time you have to wait before you can develop a project like this.

Before nostalgia begins. Right. Exactly. Yeah. It was 11 years ago. All right. So yeah. I mean, I figure we sell it now.

It'll probably be shot and then ready to air next year. Right. At 12 years. 100% It's vintage. 12 years. Yeah. I'm going to be Eddie Guerrero.

Yes. Oh dude. I miss him every day. I know. RIP. RIP. Anyway. Okay.

I think there needs to be a central conflict in the relationship where Chris is lying to her about something. Which is his Bowflex and steroid addiction. And she's lying to him about something. She's been reading books again. She's doing science. She's been doing science. She's doing science in private. And he said...

And he said... She's like... Baby, I'll keep you safe. You got to promise me you'll never do science again. Because when you do science, you get raped. And then... Well, he doesn't know she got raped. But then also, he doesn't want his son around gay-ass books.

That's true. He wants his son to be strong. Working out. And not gay. That's right. And his son has been reading. Super young. He catches his son reading.

Check this out, dude. So Chris Benoit's real-life wife. What's her name? She used to be married to another wrestler named Kevin Sullivan. Who's that? Sully. And Kevin... Kevin Nash?

Kevin Sullivan. And he designed... His rival was Chris Benoit. And in the wrestling world, he was like, What if we had a storyline where you leave me for Chris? And then they fell in love? And then in the 1990s, they... So Nancy, who wrestled under the ring name Woman.

Yeah. Which would relieve him for Chris Benoit. And Sullivan insisted that the two should travel together, share hotel rooms, and hold hands in public to preserve the... Are you kidding? Yeah. And then they started fucking... That is a beautiful love story.

He was just trying to get out of it, dude. There's no way. He knew what he was doing. He was like, What if you fuck my friend? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He knew that. Why don't you get that Mongoloid Canadian charm, dude?

We got to have that in the movie, though. That's good. Yeah. That's got to be in there. I guess he died as friends. So are we scrapping this whole science thing and making her a wrestler? No, no, no. Okay.

Well, we can just bounce back and forth. Because you know what we're also going to do? Do it from Chris's perspective. So none of it's going to make any sense because he has brain damage. Yeah, it's true. It's going to be an unreliable narrator. Oh, I like that. You know me.

I'm a huge fan of Faulkner. So we're going to do it Faulkner style. Faulkner style. You like Faulkner. I like Faulkner. Yeah. I like that. That's smart.

It's a book. Maybe we can work that out. Yeah, Faulkner. Maybe we can open. It's a lot of characters. How about this? How about reading Faulkner? No, opening scene is the murder scene, right?

Uh-huh. And very graphic. Very graphic. And then we're painting over. Blood spraying. Blood spraying out of the bow flex onto a bookshelf. Too much blood. And then it's the bookshelf from the Danzig home.

Yes. So it's like vampires. Spooky books. True stories about how Jesus was got. You know, where it works and how to jack off to them. Yes, yes. But then also a copy of The Sound and the Fury. Oh.

And then it splashes on that. Then we have a flashback. Uh-huh. You know, we're in Mississippi. Second flashback. Yeah, we're in Mississippi. Double flashback. William Faulkner is typewriter.

Oh, yeah. I like it. It's a hot day. William Faulkner, very similar to Chris Benoit. And we draw a parallel between Chris Benoit and William Faulkner. And then it's really not even a show about Chris Benoit anymore. It becomes about. It's about an artistry.

It's about what? About great Americans. Was it Faulkner writing like while he had a fucking job at a fucking factory and shit? Did my man write that big-ass book he did while at a factory? What are you talking about? I don't know. What's like the most famous book he wrote? Oh, I don't know.

What did he do? East of Eden or what? No. That's a. That's not Faulkner. That's not Faulkner. It's Steinbeck. Steinbeck.

He had one big-ass book. What did he do? Absalom, Absalom, A Light in August, Sound in the Fury. Sound in the Fury. Azalea Dying. Yes, Azalea Dying. Yeah, yeah. That was also an emo behind.

Yeah, yeah. I think he wrote that shit while he was at a factory job. Okay. So Flashback, William Faulkner, he's in the factory. Yes. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And his manager is an occasion man named Pierre Benoit.

Whoa. What we don't know yet is Chris Benoit's. Great-grandfather. Great-great-great-grandfather. Uh-huh. Because Chris Benoit's father was 12 when he had him. Yeah. And he comes from a long line of men that only give birth at 12 years old.

The men use birth. Yeah. So even though it's only 60 years prior. Yes, yes, yes. 70 years prior or whatever. That's plenty of time for five generations. 18 generations. Benoit.

To move to Canada. Yeah, yeah. And then the occasion accent just become Canadian rednecks. Right. That's good. I love that. Anyways, I think that's, we got the first half of the first half. I mean, that's enough work for today.

No, it's not enough work for today, but we certainly, you know, we've made some progress. I think we'll pick it up on the next podcast, I think. Are we out of time? No, we can still do some time. We have plenty of time. Yeah, we have 17 minutes to write more of this. Not 17, but we can still keep going. I mean, I've got a timer on here.

Well, I'm on the ones and twos. The bell doesn't dismiss you. Yeah. Stay in your goddamn seat. My dick dismisses you. I love when teachers try to do that. The bell doesn't dismiss you. I dismiss you.

It's like, no, the bell dismisses us. That's the whole point of the bell, you fucking moron. I hate it when they were trying to take a little extra authority. No. Yeah, they used to also say like, you're not, you're not on your time. You're on my time. And what does that mean? Yeah, I know.

You don't own. I had pretty good teachers. Who owns time? Who owns time? What are you the? Oh, that's good. The time master. Yeah.

What's this? Is this a glue stick? I think it's a chapstick. It looks fancy. It's not mine. Douglas naturals. All right. So.

Okay. I think we could take a break from writing the Benoit movie. No, I don't know. I think we, I think we still need to keep going. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right.

Let's take a break. Are you trying to have a career in the entertainment industry? Right. Okay. Third flashback. You know, you know, there's, first of all, there's a lot of agents and managers that listen to this show. That's a fact.

That is an industry favorite. Yeah. These are the industry trades. They need to know that we have the kind of work ethic that will allow us to get jobs. Exactly. We can't give up on an idea after 20 minutes. On the next season of Bosch, which is what I'm angling. I want to write for Bosch.

I'm trying to write for Roseanne. I'm trying to write for Bosch, which, and this is about me, right? Okay. That's fine. So step one, what is Bosch? What is that show about? I don't know. I still don't know.

What is it? Tools. Who has any idea? I think it's tools. I think he's a detective who may or may not... Is it like a new monk? May or may not be named Bosch. He's probably named Bosch.

Franklin and Bosch? It'd be funny. Franklin and Bosch. Yeah. Everybody has a detective named like Eric Smith, and then the show's just called Bosch. And they never explain why it's called Bosch. And then you find out that's what Neil deGrasse Tyson, the type of jigsaw he used to cut off Chris Pinoff's wife's dress.

He cut her dress off with the jigsaw before raping her in space school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the planet school. In the planetarium. In saying things are different sizes than they are. Right. That's what you learned in space school. So you go flashback Carnegie Mellon University, Cleveland, Ohio.

She's a young co-ed. He is a professor. He says, I want you to meet me after class. And what year is it? It's 1961. 1961. Fine. She goes to his office.

He's shirtless. So back in the background we're hearing rock and roll, right? Yeah. Because metal isn't around yet. No. One o'clock. Two o'clock. Three o'clock.

Rock. Five o'clock. Six o'clock. Eight o'clock. Nine. All the numbers. All in the clock. Rape.

Rape. Rape. You're about to get raped by the old thing. She's like, what's happened to me? And he's like, they don't have a name for this yet. It hasn't been invented. They don't know. This is called having sex still.

Out of what you're doing something wrong actually. Me, I'm just, boys will be boys. This is what it's called. Yeah. On the chart. Boys will be boys. Yeah. We're trying to send men to the moon.

What are you doing? Complaining? This is why they shouldn't let girls in space school. Here at Carnegie Mellon. Home of space. Hell yeah. We get a jacked guy to play young. Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Yeah. And he has a bass guitar. We get Terry Crews. Of course. And you know he's doing that titty thing that he does. Absolutely. Titty flex thing. We do also have to license one o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock rock.

No matter how much the estate of Elvis asked. Was that Elvis? One o'clock, two o'clock, suck o'clock, o'clock. Five o'clock, suck o'clock, suck o'clock. Lick my nuts, fuck my ass. Lick my dad's dick. Who wrote that song Elvis? The suck.

I think so. It was a clock song. It was very popular back in the day. What about you ain't nothing but a hound dog? That was a dog song. Yeah. You ain't nothing but a guy that fucks dogs. Fuckin' them all the time.

Yeah, it's unexplored territory for come town. That's good. 50s pop music. 50s and about fucking dogs instead of your dad. I like that. Okay. So flashback to her rape. Then flashback, North Carolina, 1981, WWF wrestling, like Combine Training Institute,

whatever that is. Ric Flair is running the Combine. You got all these young, that's cool. So it's like a first class, like X-Men, first class. All these young versions. All the guys are like, you know, seeing how much they can bench press doing the 40-yard or whatever. Right, right.

And then in the back corner, we see some nerds. They're rolling out this like thing under a tarp. And all the rest is like, what the fuck is that? And they're like opening it up and it's a bow flag. Oh, the first bow flag. It's the first bow flag. I saw it when you were going with that. It's like just leaning over a squat rack and he's like, that's stupid.

He's like, that's the gayest thing I've ever seen. They're like, crazy times we're living in. And they're like, this is actually the future. He's like, do you want to try it? And then the first time you see him use a bow flex. No, he makes fun of the scientist. But then he sneaks back in later that night. He makes fun of the scientist and he's like, no scientist will ever own me in any way whatsoever.

And then he finds out years later that his wife was raped by him. Oh, because he hates scientists. That's the own. Guess who the scientist is? Who is it? A young Neil deGrasse Tyson. Oh, he's the one who made both? Before he put on the makeup.

That is the link. The white Neil deGrasse Tyson. That is the link. He has to reverse Vidaliga. He becomes black. Neil deGrasse Tyson. I can think of a better name for reverse Vidaliga. I don't know how to say it.

Oh, fuck. This is really coming together, boys. I like it. Okay. So Neil deGrasse Tyson both raped his wife and invented the bow flex. Which is the thing that he has developed this crippling addiction to. See, it's the steroid. Yeah.

This is going to be a good ass show, dude. This is going to be the best show that anyone's ever watched. Who knew Neil deGrasse Tyson was the villain in Chris Benoit's life? What do you think about casting for Benoit? Dream casting. Budgets, no. That fat Matt Damon. That fake Matt Damon.

He would be perfect. And he's in all that kind of shit. Landry. What's his name? Fat Matt Damon. What's his name? If he listens to the show, please reach out to us. We would love to cast you in our Chris Benoit story.

Yeah. From like Friday night lights. Wink unwink. About me. It's about this. It's actually going to be committed. So we don't have to license the story. Yeah.

So a fat Matt Damon is listening. Whatever your stupid ass name is. Wasn't he in Breaking Bad? He wasn't Breaking Bad. He was in Breaking Bad and Friday night lights. And Fargo. And Fargo. Was he in Friday night lights?

Which Fargo, which was the best show on TV in the last four years prior to the Chris Benoit story. Yep. Which is going to be the best. Coming for you motherfuckers. It's like my dick Billy Bob Thornton in the first season. So what's, so he's going into the first wrestling match, right? He's at the combine and that's where he makes friends with Kevin Sullivan.

Yes. And Kevin Sullivan. We have to change that. He's got to be. Kevin Sullivan is his best friend. What would be Kevin Sorbo? It should be Eddie Sorbo. It's Kevin Sorbo who's a wrestler.

Yeah. And Kevin Sorbo. Who you're allowed to use because he's a Christian. He has been locked out of Hollywood. Exactly. You're allowed to, any Christian person is allowed, you can do their story. So let's get, what's his face? Kurt Cameron.

Kurt Cameron. Yeah. Kevin Sorbo. So we get Kurt Cameron to play Kevin Sorbo. Kevin Sorbo. Yeah. I see what you're saying. So Kevin Sorbo walks up and he introduces him.

Chris Benoit. Yeah, this is my wife Nancy who hasn't been raped yet, by the way. Yep. Kevin and Chris is like, she hasn't been raped. And then he, they kind of have like a moment where he falls in love with her because she's not rapist. So she's still pure. She's still pure.

And then she's like, I just got to go back into the stock room to get more steroids where that scientist is, you know, maybe it doesn't happen then. But no, you know what? There's probably too early for that to happen. No, I thought it happened at Carnegie Mellon. Because you know where we find out that it's, that the Bowflex guy is Neil deGrasse Tyson. It has to be the end of the episode where we see that guy putting on blackface makeup for some reason.

The end of episode like four or five. People watching at home go, oh, shit. Yeah. Damn. I can't wait for next week. He just looks exactly like Neil deGrasse Tyson when he's white. I'm like, oh, that guy looks kind of weird. And then he puts the blackface on.

Oh, yeah. Whoa. That's awesome. Dude, this is like Vince Gilligan level shit. Yeah. And then people on Twitter are going to be like, what's going to happen next week? You know, you're going to have the whole audience debating and arguing. Chris Hardwick.

Hey, you're here and talking Benoit. I really can't, you know, I was up nerds. We're talking Benoit. Yeah. When it turned out the Bowflex salesman was also mentally retarded. And then he could really, he spoke a language only Chris understood. Mm hmm. Yeah.

All right. So, so then you want to take it back to modern day, right? No, because it's got to, we got to like, we got to go way back and then work our way up to the murder. So he just sort of meets her. He's in his first wrestling match or whatever. And there has to be something that happens in the first wrestling match where it shows his promise, but then also him getting fucking dinged in the noggin.

Yeah. He, well, he doesn't, he doesn't have his character down, right? Yeah. He's ashamed of being French Canadian. Yeah. He's afraid, afraid of his French ass. I did not want people to think I'm a retard. Yeah.

So he comes up with like a. Yeah. One of the other wrestlers is like, he's like, dude, I used to have an accident too. I'm actually from Turkey. Yeah. And he's like, what I found that works is I hit my, I smash a hammer into my forehead. Yep. And it makes me talk.

Makes me talk. He's like, I don't know if they, so then Chris Benoit tries, he's like, oh my God, it works. It's like doing poppers basically. Wow. And they are also doing. So he also gets into their asses are so wide. He's really into poppers and smashing himself in the head of the hammer to get rid of his

French Canadian accent. We got to have a scene where he tries the Bowflex total gym at home. That's what happens. He doesn't win this first match because his range of motion isn't good enough. And his character is bad. No, I think he has to win the first match. That's too much. That's too much going on for the first episode.

He can't also not. I thought this was like episode four. No, no, we're still. We're still an act. We're an act one. Act one. Yeah, yeah. We landed on a cold open.

This is a dense show. That's what you're saying. Oh yeah. There's a lot happening. You want to be, you want to be a big boy? You want to be a real big, big boy television writer? David Chase. This is the kind of work we do.

Okay. 45 minutes a day. I'm already out of Lacroix. I'm ready for another one. Yeah. I think we're out of Lacroix. God, do you have goldfish? I don't.

There's tiny Oreos. Oreos minis? Yeah. They make you feel like you're not eating 35 Oreos. Even though you're eating five servings. I like them. Yeah. Okay.

Montauk or Sausalito? That's something the production needs to get on. I like to go Sausalito. How about we all, we all stop working for two hours and start taking vines as a writing room. That makes sense to me. Let's all post snap chats to remind our other friends who are still just stand-up comedians. We're living in Los Angeles now, making $3,000 a week and it'll never end.

Let's do that. Yeah. I actually have something to tell you guys. I got hired. Yeah. Let's all just go on social media and complain about the differences between Uber and Lyft, which we can afford now as Los Files television writers. I just got hired on the Carmen's Esposito, Please Fuck My Wife, that show.

Yeah, they needed to wear on the spectrum is Carmen Esposito. That's pretty good. Detectives, this dumb bitch is releasing a new special and it's up to you to figure out who greenlit this giant piece of shit. I'm a lesbian. No, it's an hour of rape jokes. Did you see it? No, I didn't.

Yeah. She tells rape jokes. She's giving rape jokes back to the victims. Oh, was she right? Supposedly. Damn. That sucks. That sucks.

Yeah. Okay. She's got a nice haircut. I think, you know what, and this would be a risk, but I think we should give Roseanne a KMEO. I think so too. The thing is that you have so many actors because of liberal Hollywood who have been blacklisted.

Kevin Sorbo's one of them. Oh, you know what we should do? Roseanne's one of them. Tim Allen's another one of them. I'm going to get my people out to John Milius to write the speech. He's right-wing too. The speech that Chris Benoit gives before killing his son with wrestling. You've got to get Milius in the movie.

Milius will do that. Yeah. I've known him for years. We've got to have David Mamet in the movie. 500 men went into the water, chief. How about we just use John Milius's speech from Jaws? I think that's fine. And then we can credit him as the writer of the show.

Yes. John Milius is an option from the mind that brought you Jaws. We don't even have to do this. Sorry for having to- Written by John Milius. Sorry for having such a sinister speech from Jaws before he kills his son. You know how you tell that chief, you tell him by looking from the tail to the dorsal fin. They got black eyes, light-less eyes, like a doll's eyes.

You know what, you don't have to pay him if you just say the speech in real life. Then- You quote me. You quote yourself. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Let's do a video of me saying the speech.

You just need a video of you. Yeah, but just by chance. No, you just came up with it. Because they have to prove that I've seen Jaws. Which you haven't. You haven't. I haven't seen. For the record, you have not.

I've never even heard of John Milius. I don't know who John Milius is. I've never. John Milhouse? What are you talking about? Milhouse. Richard Milhouse. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah, I don't know. Did I ever tell you guys the story of the USS Indianapolis? No. I haven't heard that. Yeah. What's the story?

You know, they were on a mission to bring the atomic bomb to the Enola Gay. Wow. And the mission is so secret that when the Japanese torpedo boat hit the Indianapolis, no distress signal went out. Damn. And so 500 men went into the water. Oh my God. And it took two days before the rescue boat showed up.

That's crazy. Tiger sharks showed up. Whoa. Whoa. And they got lifeless eyes. Like what? Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes.

What? And then when they sink those teeth in the end, those black eyes roll back white. And there's something about the screaming is horrific. I don't know. I'll have to go find a transcript from Jaws. I mean. From the story that you... From the thing that I'm saying right now.

The story you heard. Spontaneously. Spontaneously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The word for word thing I'm saying now. Exactly. By chance might exist elsewhere. So that's how we can...

Well, you wrote it down on your diary. I'll tell you dude. Maverick illegal department. We're going to do our own legal on this project. We're not hiring any lawyers. The legal bad boy. The legal legal. All right. I have to go soon.

What do you have to do? Twitch? I have a phone call at five. You have a phone call? Yeah. And I'm assuming you want me to drop you off? Yeah. Was it with one of them 1,900 numbers?

Yeah. You're on a party line at five? Yeah. My asshole is wide from being fucked. Call 1,800 wide ass now. I remember as a little kid I'd see those commercials be like, party live. Like, what are they? Like, I didn't know that it was about six.

Wow, great bit. All right. That's the end of the episode. Fuck off. We're done. Well, say two next week for act two of the Chris Van Wosten. Yeah. And every week.

And Netflix original. It's five acts. Every single week until they give us the show. That would be a fun project. We should sit down and not actually do that. That would actually be pretty funny. It would be fun. All right.

All right. So we got funny moms coming up June 11th. Please. Thanks everyone who came last night. Thanks for coming out last night. That was a fucking banger of a show. We will be. Apologies to that guy with the messed up face whose voice.

We will be at Auto Bar August 12th. What do you mean? Don't say sorry to him. Don't apologize for anything. And the Cleveland Boston tour sometime in September. And again, I'll be in Seattle on the motherfucking. I don't know. Fuck.

Damn. I went back too far on the fucking 28th and sometime in Portland either the first second or third of July. Anyway, that's good. Bye guys. Bye. Bye.