The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 107 – Rubiks tube

Episode Date: June 14, 2018

can you solve my dick?

And we're off believe the convenient rumors of the medical community Welcome to motherfucking come town. It's me hard dick Halkus with my friends. Mm-hmm. My name is Rebekah Jewish from the heck bent podcast We got word podcast. We've got Becky Jewish. Yeah Adam Friedland the other Jewish the other Jewish woman. Mm-hmm. Actually, let me talk again We just want to give a really heck yeah shout out to Robert De Niro Who this week said what we were all thinking f donald trump fck? That's right. We're gonna say it. Let's start the f word countdown. What's going on?

I'm just playing with the levels, you know, I'm still on the fucking I'm still the super on the boards I'm still on the board. Look a little too high. I mean because I tell you now when They should be at five. They shouldn't be higher than that Which ones all of them and yours should be a little bit below. It might sound quiet to you But it's gonna fucking clip when you start yelling and then when I edit it. It sounds like shit. Okay. Well, here. There we go everyone We've got it now. All right. Can I go back to doing that Jewish girl? Yeah, do it to I don't know. I lost it

I started thinking about the technique. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead. Go back to Becky I can't man. It's so hard for me to get into character I've been teaching Adam how to act. He's in a commercial this way. No, I'm not We're not gonna say what it is. Yeah, we're not gonna say that it's for We're not good. Don't worry. We know the consequences of yeah, everyone knows that we're all commercial actors and we all It's true. Yeah, luckily me and you can we're good at our craft and we can blend in or stop can basically only play the seven up dot Coca-Cola I'm waiting for that reboot for that polar bear

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like a gritty like that'd be tight. Yeah, dude a global warming So I'm my first all yellow and fucked up. That's right. You can't lose weight for the Lost all my hair because the the polar caps have all melted. You know, he's a nude That's right. That's right. And all I need and my fucking son's about to die really thinking about damn I'm about to die. But all I want is some sweet coca-cola for Christmas on the way out Mm-hmm. Let me get a coke on the big cool if the zoo opened for Christmas and then they force fed the polar bears coca-cola Sorry, the children could watch and open up their presents as the as a hose that was jammed down the nostril of Canute the baby polar bear

You know as you remember canute. There was a baby polar bear named canute. I do not no It was like 10 years ago. It was like this like everybody's obsessed with this cute baby polar bear Or whatever and I was dating this girl that really loved that bear and I told her it died Cool that was drunk and I was Do something vindictive. She's like, oh no and then like a week later it died Whoa, was it in captivity or just a regular? Oh, okay. Yeah, canute. Let me look that. Oh, dude You fucking called it. I did you cursed that fucking bear. That's just like one of those things that happens in life Or you're like, maybe I am psychic

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I I used to I used to do that shit with green lights and red lights when I was a child Yeah, you you thought you could canute. Yeah, December March 2011 was the orphan polar bear in born in captivity Orphan. Yeah rejected by his mother at birth. He was raised by zookeepers. Damn. What a fucking loser Yeah, he was the first polar bear cub to survive past infancy at the berlin zoo in more than 30 years Yes, we would help him. Yeah, the Germans have killed every baby bear Where's the timer at? I guess we forget that. Oh, yeah, I gotta do that thing. Shut up. What thing, dude? We don't have ads

We just sometimes talk about products. I can't believe that guy fucking messaged me. He's like, Yo, is do you really have to do the ads on the free episode? Bitch, it's a free fucking episode No, this is a suck. It really fucking ruins the show. Shut the fuck up. I've started having to fast forward to the Oh, no, you have to use your fucking pudgy ass fingers to hit that 15 second mark, bitch Yeah, sorry your mom's fingers were too busy massaging my prostate Rubbing every part of my dick and ass Fast forward to do the fucking ads for you. Yeah, you know who's mom is it's the nurse that played the nurse from Uh, that's movie where stifler gets his fingers his ass fingered. That's who your mom is

Guess what? She's reprising the role right now. She's got her fingers in all three of our asses pal Euro trip, right? No, no, no road trip. Road trip original the original was your trip, uh It was a sequel. It was a spiritual sequel. Yeah, I don't think it had any the same characters But it was yeah that girl harry at the spy was in it and she flashed people you see harry at the spy's titties I don't think you see the titties. I think you see her naked back, but for me that was all I'm sorry to see harry at the stand wants me to make a video promoting the new Oh, yeah, when does it open? I'm not gonna do that. That's that's you can do it That seems lame to me and I'm not doing it

So I'll just shout out the new one. First of all, don't try to convince me to do some sort of stupid fucking promo Stavros. I'm not doing it man. Just do it for the stand. No, they book us all the time. I know they're a great club It's a great club. I'm not gonna do a fucking video. I can't really imbecile. That's the promo Yeah, so do your video. We're separate people with different careers I've been jeopardized as my career to say I'm not doing a scripted video It I've said numerous times. It's a fucking good club I don't know who that videos who doesn't know me and they're like that guy looks trustworthy We're gonna see a video of me saying come on. Oh, wait till you see how I'm dressed tonight, dude

Yeah, I'm got I'm got a show all black Hawaiian. Yeah, we're going to funny moms after this guys Yeah, we got a fun night ahead of us. Anyways, the new one's on like 16th. It's wherever the fucking brother The brother Jimmy's is now it'll open up probably in I don't know two or two to five years Whenever they get the stench of barbecue out of that new club. I hope they never do dude. I'm just gonna fucking Yeah, I hope there's ribs left over when they open the club. Yeah, I guess anyway So, yeah, the stands up stands closing Great club. They're uh, moving to wherever that brother Jimmy's is on 16th and I think like Irving Yeah, so not far that's such a good club for the people in this podcast to do stand up. Yeah, it's great

I think it's like yeah, it's been so nice for well everyone that's a serious stand-up comedian on this Didn't tell you guys but uh patrick from the stand sent me a message What do you say that when the new club opens up? He wants me to go to a 5 p.m. Bringer mic A Laughing Buddha. That's awesome. Yeah, I would literally come I would pay to see you do a mic. I remember there was a mic I remember I remember going to supporting my friends when I went to one of those I went to one of those Just because like when I first moved here patrick was like you can do the paid mics

But you don't have to pay for him. It's like perfect that'll like I can do this early afternoon Yeah, so I went to one of them I didn't even bother going up But it's like sitting there and like some guy bombs because it's just other people Yeah, yeah, and then he gets off stage and then whoever the like round bitch It was running the fucking open mic is gets on stage and she goes Yeah, um, just something you should know is you never ever want to get off stage before you see the light because you don't know What's going on in the club or what's happening?

And like this is a chance to learn the you got a technical aspects of comedy, which is like You can literally be uh, uh an abject fucking Like incompetent A heroin addict. Yes, and still do stand-up comedy if you're funny Yeah, already he goes on stage and bombs And he's on drugs. He's probably going back to prison. He fucking just tweet. He's like, he's like, I'm probably going back to prison He's like just said it It's he doesn't fucking there's no like there's no degree of professionalism required if you're funny back on drugs

It's the only thing that fucking matters if you think you're gonna become a professional comedian because like well, yeah I'll tell you one thing about that guy. He did exactly five minutes. Yeah And my second at my second Mike I ever I got uh, someone threatened to beat me up the guy that was hosting it. You remember that guy Yeah, so already already already got he had like a 10 year sentence like suspended or something But he's on probation for like a long time like four years or something for like DUIs or something Yeah, pull he got pulled over like a year and a half ago with like fucking 80 bags of heroin in a parking garage Yeah, yeah, those old Stearns where he talks about the arrest or like some I just read about because I did

I was reading through our subreddit, which is a treat by now. Come on. And then I went to what can't do that, bro What hey, why not it just you'll see bad things and it'll make you sad. No, I actually enjoy it Yeah, they like you. I don't even when they don't I don't care. It's funny. Yeah, uh, the opiate anthony one though I took a trip over to that one is beautiful Oh, yeah, that was the it is the funniest thing in the entire fucking world because it's them just like, you know Any woman is even remotely related to the show. No because they don't I don't I can't really tell but like they're not as racist As aunt is and they kind of make fun of them for being racist. Oh, really? Yeah I thought they hate opi. They hate everyone except Colin Quinn. Really?

Yes, literally Every single person related to show is Colin Quinn and then patrice who's like dead So, yeah, yeah, no, they hate that's so fucking. They hate fucking all of them except Colin respect the Colin Quinn Well, I was reading it. I was like I was laughing so hard and you get to like page four and there was like one post on the breaded that was uh, does anyone here actually like opiate anthony? There's some people being like no, not really. I mean, opiate anthony is not a show. Yeah. Yeah. So wait people are still posting on that Shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like where they talk to their friends. Yeah. Yes. Okay. Yeah, if you have friends I never got into forums, man. I don't understand either. I just use the internet to jack off

I mean, I'm sure there's people that post on the come town subreddit that don't even listen to the show anymore That sounds that they're just friends with other people Yeah, this is misconception that it's like Is there only people that exist to be fans of the show and that's not really how things work at all I used to read it like a couple months ago because there was one guy that was just amazing Yeah, but I think he got he quit or got kicked off. Is this you trying to plug your own secret account on it? No. No, it doesn't. He had the best takes about us and who was the best. He's secretly the best on the show. Quite the opposite. Quite the opposite. But he uh

Somebody told me that any time there was a negative post about you there would always be exactly one flag There's just some gay guy defending me online. Yeah, it is a gay guy. Yeah, that's what it was. Well, you're right. Technically, you're right. This guy was like No, this guy was like He would talk about like the clues Change the subject. He would talk about clues that nick would send him. I don't have a fucking reddit account My girlfriend has a reddit account. Oh, really? And she posts on the come town subreddit. Do you hear that dasha? It's your fault. Yeah

Flagship she would never do that. No, she'd probably encourage people. She's a shit poster. Yeah Yeah, no, um, he used to talk about like clues that nick was sending him and stuff. Oh, that's good in the episodes Yeah, Nick was doing that. He was doing that. Yeah. Yeah, that guy was right. Whoever he was If you put the clues together you get a job at with the cia It's a national treasure types that's the saddest part about schizophrenia is realizing you're not actually working for the cia You've just been like collecting your own feces for months. Yeah, you just spent thousands on red yarn eating shit Yeah for months

And i'm not james bond That's heartbreak. We knew this kid in college that lost it right after college and he I guess someone came because he was posting some crazy stuff. I'll tell you who came me No, like the police like came after that guy's man, but arie arie had to like trips at him Like waiting for his parents to pick him up And he was just smoking like fat blunts and watching belly. Hell yeah And then just turning to arie and being like this is what it's all about

This is what the game is all about like this is what you don't understand Like this is what my life is like and like yeah, he thought the government was trying to kill him and stuff Yeah, and then his mom and dad picked him up. What's he up to now? I don't know that guy from that threesome story about urwin You know that story. Yeah. Yeah, so that guy was bipolar and he had like some huge freak out like you know They had in the threesome. No. No. No. This was like he held down urwin and months later A college mark and he fucking uh, they had like a backyard and the backyard had like bamboo

Like a bamboo fence and so the guy went nuts and then like thought it was a jungle or something Yeah, and the guy was enormous He was like six eight and like fucking was back there with like an axe and Oh, no, fuck And his roommate was like terrified because he was being threatened by him the whole time. Jesus pretty fine. Yeah That is funny What do you even do if a nude six eight man with an axe tries to kill you You just enjoy the ride. Yeah, he's like, you know, life is a life is a ride. It's a highway, baby. Yeah

I'm really annoyed with all these people that are like Just in awe of are you listening to come down in the other room? What the fuck Just listen to this one. Yeah We're in here. We're talking about this. I'm about to acoustic. I'm about to go in on these things about that Go go go go off. Oh, yeah, dude. We're doing go in. Well, we're day. It's fine But just all the people that have turned this into like, you know, like bowie. It's become bowie. No, it's not even bowie It's people talking about their own depression not their own. No, that's not even where I was going

Go with go ahead. Just all of these like this like Just travel, you know, like those people Yeah, the fucking like the answer to depression is like spending the money that most people don't have to be rich Yeah, right exactly being judged for and then like Yeah, posting the phone number for the suicide hotline on twitter like people that want to kill themselves Can't google the suicide hotline, right? It's like they're not going to go to your shitty ass twitter account to find that number Also, the success rate of the suicide hotline has to be exactly zero I would assume there's no way that calling movie phone prevents you from ending your do you want to kill yourself

Everything about that. I wrote a sketch and I was 19 years ago. Oh, you showed it to me It's called the suicide hotline and gets like a black lady. One time we were on cocaine I'm gonna kill myself and then she's like, I don't So why are you gonna listen to me? No, you call in you say I'm gonna kill myself. I say don't do it. That's it. Can I help you? Do you have any more questions? Thank you That was the escalation. Yeah, that's great. Stuck to the manager and the manager's trying to sell him direct tv Okay, before you kill yourself. Yeah, yeah, I need those

Just ask you Jump oh jump by Yeah, I used to be I was I was a One one time in my life, you know, I did a thing one time ever I wrote a sketch once And I was 19. That's good. You did that all that Nicole stuff when you were that's true This podcast is just gonna turn into reminding me of things that I've done. Whatever man. This is funny. Yeah, people like that

Speaking of uh, people who have done things Uh, Liam if you're out there and you haven't killed yourself yet, please don't dude. Yeah, or at least make it clear that it's uh Adam's fault Put that in the note Yeah Yeah, I don't know. I guess people are worried about them. Damn that would suck if he actually killed himself That'd be kind of fucking little dicky if you ask me. Yeah Don't insult him on them. I would know killing yourself. Especially considering that's one of the reasons he's doing it

He doesn't have a little dick doesn't he? Yeah, tragically small. I think he has a Strong powerful ass. He has a dwarf penis Can't they sometimes Oh, a dwarf penis. I just I just imagine chopping up little trees and shit Following around snow white with little fucking birds. Yeah Well, Liam buddy Yeah, we miss you. I think that's illegal to do in canada too to have a small dick to kill yourself Yeah, oh like if you attempt suicide you have to go to jail. Yeah, you got a canadian jail

You got a you got a you got a milk sick made out of milk moose made out of paper mache Oh, no based on trailer bark boys canadian jail rules. Yeah, you just play hot floor hockey Yeah, that's kind of tight you smoke you sell weed You know if you jerk off a moose it comes maple syrup does it? That's how you get it. Yeah, that's what uh get it right from the tap All right, so you saw hereditary. I did you had a little performance you want you prepared for us Yeah, you started with it's not even scary, which is hilarious. I didn't think it was scary Damn, and I got stoned. I got stoned for it, which I haven't been doing you're afraid of everything

I am I was actually mostly afraid of this guy that was sitting in our row He's a weird looking at me and dasha And then okay, it's done It's over you kept looking at you. Yeah, like the entire movie You think he wanted to fuck you adam? I thought that maybe he liked come town or something then dasha was like maybe it's just a regular crazy person I was like, oh, thank you. Why don't you say anything? You know who would have I know what I should go mess Yeah, Louis J. Gomez. What the fuck are you looking at injected from that?

And then spent nine episodes of his podcast It was weird. Yeah We I went to the to pee after the movie don't look at a guy when he's with his chick, bro Yeah, that's disrespectful. First of all, it's not my fault. I showed up the movie 35 minutes late And then sat on that man's lap I Yeah, bro, if I was supposed to sit on your lap, they wouldn't have sold me a ticket Uh, so okay, they didn't sell me a ticket, but still no one was looking when I walked in

Yeah, I didn't think it was scary. It didn't have a lot of jumps. Yeah, what a gay review. That sucks. That's great I'm not really I don't know a lot about us Genre films. Pardon me, I fuck up. I said scary movies and they got mad at me The genre films doesn't mean scary movies. I could have said what they call them But it's not horror people get mad if you call it horror Interesting people. There's a whole thing about hereditary isn't horror or it is horror and Fucking know what I watched are arguing about it. You know movies suck that came out a couple years ago. Uh, mommy dearest not mommy this

Or something sucky fucking that like v&es movie. It was like, uh Uh, it's about little sausage is a vienna movie. Yeah, it's like an austrian horror movie. Oh, the only movie I know is No, it's about the girl the woman she's got her face all fucked is your face is like cover That's australia. God damn it. Motherfucker. I know what babadook is. That's not it. Is that scary friday? Babadook's great Is it friday the 13th maybe if you like if you like those kind of movies you'd like hereditary I was way more scared of the the johnson's I wasn't scared

But I was like actively felt horny because you wanted to fuck your dad. Of course. Yeah, of course No, you might you were worried you might see men having sex the way it's supposed to be performed between a son and a father violently Instead of the delicate way you commit Copulation. Yeah, of course. It has to be like you're rolling out filo. I have to be on the italian riviera And there's to be a beautiful sunset and I have to be shaking slightly and he has to hold me close to his Harry chest be often a peach and eat it. Yeah, exactly. Did they did that in that movie, right? They did the game? Yeah, yeah, they did the game

The game Suck me like you're dead. What if that was a movie? It was my favorite movie last year. Yeah This is a very good movie army hammers. I think like the one guy's like 18 and he's like 25 or something Yeah, army hammers older than that. Army hammers gotta be like 34 years old. Yeah, I think in the movie. He's like In his 20s. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Um, and you can boy push you can yeah, you can tell because when they take their pants off The older man has nicer underwear. In fact, it reminds me of Mack Weldon underwear. Whoa, really? You can purchase at mackweldon.com. That's awesome. It's very simple easy quick Fun shopping experience. If you're a gay man that's having done it myself younger gay man as a gay man myself

When I go on my european vacations to commit pederasty I love going to mackweldon.com and checking out their smart designs and premium fabrics Damn all that gay sex must make your dick smell bad. It smells pretty fucking bad. Luckily they have a line of silver Yeah, naturally antimicrobial shirts and underwear. Oh, which will suck all that odor right out of you And you blend right in with the rest of the french people now What if you're used to fucking with all kinds of secret gay underwear and you don't actually like the mack weldons? Well, I'll tell you what if you don't like the underwear you can complain and they'll refund you You can keep the underwear no questions asked

But you won't because of the most comfortable pair of underwear you'll ever have in your life And not only they look good. They perform well, too. So you wear them to the gym to the movie theater You know both the regular kind the kind you're allowed to get a heart on Check them out go to mackweldon.com and use promo code come town cum twn to get 20 off your order Hell, yeah, you'll be you'll be cornholing young lads in no time Well, you know who I feel bad for p. Wee Herman Yeah, yeah me too. Yeah, because he's sort of had to come back with mystery men, but then it didn't stick No, he's always like I feel like every six years. He's in something

He was in a blow remember that yeah, he wasn't that was weird was that that was post-arrest We should get him in something. You know what I mean? We should get him on this podcast that would rule We're doing we're doing an uve pee wee episode that would be great. Come town takes vancouver. Hell. Yeah Um, yeah, I feel bad for that guy. We should go to vancouver and then san francisco I was talking the other day about that scene in taxi driver where he takes kandace bergen on a date To a porn movie theater and he's like, yeah, he's like, what's the matter? Like a lot of couples do this One of the first thing cells. Yeah Travis well actually I did I a movie review

I I of a movie I liked is the day before I saw first reform then which is the new paul schrader movie, which is here Not in it. No, no, no, but it is it is sort of like a companion to taxi driver But it's different because the guy doesn't do terrorism because he gets laid at the end. Hell. Yeah spoilers That's the secret. Whoa. Yeah, you actually taxi driver. He doesn't get laid and then he goes on a killing spree And this movie how about a movie called a black seat driver? And instead of a taxi, it's a black seat. Yeah, he keeps trying to get you to listen to his mixtape the whole time Yeah, yeah, yeah, try to sell you. Why don't they call uber's that black sees black We don't all oh black seagal

Instead of Banksy black sea Yeah, it is so funny taking an uber or a lift in a place That's not new york because you're just so adjusted to the names here that it's like your lifter African guy You're you're richard. It'll be here in a minute. Yeah, Richard. He's like, how you doing brother? It's like now. You got to talk to richard Yeah, exactly. This dumb man speaking to you. That shit fucking sucks. Yeah, when we were in LA like every time that week Everyone's trying to talk. I know we were like, what's going on? LA it should be like I feel like everyone's in fucking Yeah, you're you just want to go where you're going. It's the worst when I'm talking like you're when I was in grand haven I had the fucking whole conversation about a guy's like small business plan. Yeah

What's so funny is to realize how many people are named a bubacar Like there's a country there or it's like uh Senegal name a bubacar and they're like Okay, yeah, yeah, John Bob is you're gonna be arrested for giving a fake name to the police Do you ever read the reviews on there? It's fucking cringe worthy on like of like people like on uber You can review your driver and then it you can see nothing but drunk white women. Yeah. Yeah, it's no way anyone is leaving Yeah, yeah, it's always like Deborah saying like thank you so much for fucking You don't even fucking in on my phone was lost But you didn't even fucking because I didn't even my shoes

where I know chew blocks because it's first of all my fucking birthday month It's for starters. It's fucking burgo season. Do you know who my dad is? Do you seriously say that to me? Do you seriously just say that? No, I didn't Brian come back. I'm getting this man fire Damn, what kind of reviews are you looking at Adam though?

Sometimes there was one I saw which made made me like want to throw up which was like thanks for sharing your woman's pussy No, she was like thanks for sharing your culture with us. Oh my god, which is like, oh my god I love just getting in a bubacar's. She told you which camera is playing a skull like a bongo Thanks for telling me about Darfur Yeah How do you do that? So I go to lift and then I go to what you go when you when you I think it's on uber I don't probably do it too. Yeah, why not? It's the same shit. It's just as bad. No, they're the rape company They rape more they raped. No, no, they did a whole commercial

They're not raping anymore. I love you. No more are right now. It's a three strike policy on rape I love this There's less words These commercials that facebook have that's like, yeah, we sold all your data to chinese terrorists, but you know what facebook is about friendship Remember your gay uncle was in a band. It's really who cares the chetchins have your social security number now Yeah, yeah, the new the uber one that's like that the we're sorry at is I guess they replaced the guy who's like raping women who he worked with like the old ceo He was doing that too. It's actually assaulting or some shit and then uh, they hired some indian dude

This is the new uber. Yes, please. I do not know I am just some indian man I am just a man from india I should not have this position I am just some indian dude Um, yeah, just they just plucked up a random guy off the street of A hybrid dad in my country. I was the best at shoplifting bananas I was not one of the doctors who come here and have a shit job. I was a banana shoplifter

Please do not make me do this job Fuck well spargos got a fucking they were sorry commercials, too Yeah, yeah, they do and they were like they were creating a bunch of fraudulent accounts and like just fucking up people's credit Jesus christ. Yeah, and then just no penalties whatsoever No one goes to jail. Yeah, no one good. There's zero fucking accountability a bunch of mid-level managers were fired And they were like kind of forced into doing that shit because of like quotas or whatever. Oh my god. Yeah And then you know, I the federal government will make a display of like we're really going to stick it to them They're getting a $100 $100,000 fine. Yeah, that immediately just gets passed on to the customers

Of course, this shit happens all the time like Verizon will just like get dinged for deceptive practices or whatever And then it just shows up on your bill. It just immediately gets distributed to everyone's bill. The company doesn't pay for it at all What a fucking gay ass system. Yeah This shit sucks dick. Mm-hmm. Good thing. Uh, we're rich though Yeah, you know, I don't even use Verizon, dude. I got we got secret podcaster phone company. That's true I do love that. Lewis is still on like cricket mobile Is it? Yeah. Yeah. It's so fun. Lewis has like boost mobile Lewis has a next-to-i8 30 and he's still

Yeah, dude, it's the best phone. It's the hottest phone Everyone everyone at the boss tells me What were those next cell phones that you could just like walkie-talkie there's all of them Yeah, there was all of them. It was with next cell phones. It was for like people on construction sites or something, right? I sort of I mean it was kind of like a more of an urban thing. Yeah. Yeah. Was it? Yeah It was so the government couldn't hear your chirps when you sell drugs. Well because chirps the two way was unlimited Yeah, but I remember people loved the two way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So like you could like and then they love screaming at the phone That was like a speaker. They had to ban that on the bus

What the people like like chirp chirp On metro bus they like they made a no fucking screaming at the phone No, where you at where you at which was the commercial that was the boost mobile. Yeah, that rules. Yeah Um, but yeah, the 830 was like the the hot one and then the 930 came out and I was like Damn the next cell i9 30. What's next cell up to these days? It went out of business. They got brought by sprint Yeah, that's right. Did they get put by spirit because next cell used uh, so there's the the Tower technology is like gsm and cdma It was like different competing technology. Basically the whole rest of the world uses uh gsm

Okay, which is like the sim card sex machine to gay sex machine. Yeah That's so it has like sim cards specific tower technology in the u.s. There is like competing technologies There was tdma cdma gsm And then some other shit. I got you and then eventually towards like blu-ray and uh hd discs Yeah, yeah sort of and then towards uh the middle of like the last decade all that was left was like gsm cdma And iDent and next cell was like the only iDent network And iDent allowed you to do like the two-way like worldwide fucking church world wide Yeah, talking to some other fucker in mumbai. I'm pretty sure. Yeah. Yeah, where you at cool. I am over here doing rape

I am on the bus Oh damn, you can still buy a uh a 930 dude look how shitty this uh hundred bucks Look how shitty this phone is oh, dude But that was the hot as you gave me that shit when I was in 11th or 9th grade That was the first what are we getting at, dude Uh, no, no, no, I was clam shell No, it's it was there was no internet whatsoever. I remember when the star attack phones came out I thought I was sick but you that was 1993

Was it 93 star attack phones? Probably like those like flip phones that look like Star Trek. I always thought that they were just the same as Star Trek They came out in the early 90s because they had them they had them around for a while My friend's mom had a Star-Tac. Yeah, I had a hand me down here to 96 No, they had to move to Australia real life because his dad was doing some tax Star-Tax. Oh, those are like shit. Yeah Star-Tax suck. No, Star-Tax were good, dude. They were the last like tri-band phone left if I remember what's tri-band So they have like different frequencies that the phones can use on the towers and like Star-Tax use like all three before one of

Them got like phased out reception, okay Antique cell phone, you know so much about cell phones. I used to sell this shit. Yeah, but I still feel like no one else knew that when You were selling like the other fuck it the bangladeshi, of course not the Peruvian guys. I work with Armando Armando Armando and this guy who was like a funny guy, this big fat. Oh, that was a good story, man Oh, the retarded guy That guy's a fucking loser

Who sent you that video of what the guy with Down syndrome having sex with that car. Yeah. Oh my god That was so fucking funny. That was your moment as then, dude Yeah, you were so happy. My man was fucking a bumper straight up. He's just fucking the car And I love where was his dick going? I love that he's like the height of the car. He's just got his fucking like his dick It was perfectly aligned. Yeah, it was it didn't look like he was meant to fuck that car. Yeah, right. God damn That's so cool. He was just fucking and it's like that doesn't feel good Your dick is just metal bumper Yeah, just fucking metal. I guess well

And there's a woman in a hijab walking past in the back So, you know, it's like Saudi Arabia where women aren't allowed to drive. Yeah So it's so funny imagining like you're a woman. You're banned by the government from touching the vehicle And then this mentally retarded man is having sex with a car and bragging My favorite is when the guy and like the only emotion you can summon is like thank God He's not raping me, which he's allowed Yeah, thank God, he's just fucking that car. Yeah, I'm not allowed to touch Don't try and teach him to read. I saw a guy fucking outside in DC in an alley

Fucking who a woman like over a hood of a car nice and I turned around and looked and he's like can I get some fucking privacy? I was like, yeah, absolutely Go for it. She didn't seem like it was I think it was consensual. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, although I don't know what Yeah, yeah, you saw a man raping a woman. You don't know what you would have done. You would have been like nice I would have like called someone or you wouldn't have just stopped that from happening. Of course. I would have I Don't know what I would have done. I don't know like do I have to punch him? Yes, absolutely If you see a fucking man raping a woman in public you go fucking beat the shit out of that

I was like honestly like legitimately that is why I was looking cuz like I saw two people having sex at first and I looked again I was like, oh sure to make sure to know if you can walk away your flea I was wearing flip-flops. I don't know what I would Dear God, I don't know what yours, but do I throw a rock at his head fucking stop Don't let somebody rape somebody in my first I wasn't gonna let him but my first thought was that I was wearing flip-flops Yeah, and I was like, I don't know how good I don't know I mean, you know, she's Officer, I'm sorry to beat they would be I was where I was like in her like victim support group

And they're like and some guy came by but unfortunately he was wearing flip-flops So I understood why he just walked away and did nothing while I was being raped in an alley I'm just saying I didn't get he had the wrong Those weren't stopping rape shoes obviously He wasn't wearing a nice rape stoppy shoe like a new balancer or a converse yet flip-flops So I can you blame him in a lot of ways. He was raped also. I was the Getting raped. Thank you. No We're both victims me in that man. I wish I could meet him so I could thank him and maybe ask him out

She thought it was cute for sure No, I just didn't know what all this shit what my attack. I don't know No, I don't know how I would have put Do I get a pipe Do I yell rate fucking pants are around his ankle Can't pants him exactly. No, you put your you put a thumb in his ass exactly like when my dog was fighting I put a stick in his ass Right. Yeah. Yeah

Mm-hmm. That was pretty good at him. I gotta say I well, I didn't mean it that way, but I'm glad I provided enough Uh-huh Inspiration father, you know, I know I know what my role is in this. Yeah, that's why you wouldn't stop a rape I didn't say I wasn't gonna stop a rape. I just said I don't know what I would do like you're like, ma'am I'm sorry in four years. I'm gonna be on a podcast and we got we need two and a half minutes out of this Yeah, I would have fucking killed I would be headed him on the spot with my samurai sword Yeah, but legitimately that that woman was getting raped. No, just playing though JP remember JP is just playing make day. Yeah

Damn, sorry, I'm reading 10 year old phone reviews now. I got really what do we got world? What was it? So you think The next tell 9-11 or whatever was the best one the 930 that was just the one I remember being the big one It was the Pre-smartphone, what was the best phone? Pre-smartphone. Yeah, I guess a razor was probably a hot. I mean it was hot. That was the best selling Sidekick T-Mobile side. Yes. Those were my fucking shit. Is Nokia out of business, too No, no, it's not out of business. No, they're still in the mix. They even made a smartphone recently Do they they made a big deal of it trying to come back a good camera and shit. I mean it didn't work, but I

Think they made like a bunch of it was like customizable or some shit. Maybe I'm confusing, but yeah Fucking care. Fuck. Yeah. I mean the big thing was like those phones that had those like heavy as shit cameras on them Remember that no. Yeah. Oh, yeah, the LG did have the sidekick did have the big a pretty big camera Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but it wasn't like a good camera blackberries were hot people like berries for sure Blackberry Pearl was real popular. I'll just had one of those Pearl. Yeah. Hey, he lost the ball. It was a little ball Yeah, yeah, yeah, and really use it. Yeah, what's that on the storm that come after that? I don't remember. Yeah, you could talk to girls that had other blackberries on the end blackberry messenger Yeah, baby. I like a little dark clit, you know

Little dark ass or damn little dark ass click girl where the quits at you up in the club I see your dark little click. I need that Clip black hole type Like disappears in that Damn, we're your clerk at Chirp chirp. Let me see your clerk Show me that clerk right now. Yeah, it's the hottest g-funk track clerk. Let me see your clerk clerk chirp chirp

Like yeah, Marcus. This ain't even language and you've become to West Coast My dirt got real hot my dick girl horde horde that clerk Your dark ass clerk. Have you seen a very clerk clerk? Have you seen fruit fruit veiled station? I haven't no that the Police killing you. I know how it ends. So I don't want in Oakland But maybe I should watch fruit veiled station on 4k UHD blu-ray. You can do that. I think it's on I think that is one of the Oh, cool. Well, Michael B Jordan does like an East Bay accent Michael B shopping where he goes like horde He's like shit's real horde out here. It's whore. Yeah, my penis is whore My penis has become too

Getting a whore my dick is too whore and when I saw how horde my penis become I knew I was gonna cry What my mama told me my dick ain't supposed to get that whore And I praise the Lord every day that my dick got a whore from that I Don't know My mama's crying and praying for me Saying baby, please make your dick not that whore

Sit mama. I'm trying mama Damn, yeah, look at this advertisement for a Motorola phone. They chose that image nice little fat kid But that's cute stavros. We'll stop. I was way cuter than a popsicle. No fucking dude. I was a cute-ass kid Where are you? I peaked as a baby, dude. I was cute as fuck. You're still a baby. No. Yes. No, yes Yes, you are no, I'm yes. I make it on me Damn, so what else has happened? I feel like it's been a slow couple of days I feel like we've been having last episode quarter shit ton of episodes. It's whatever this new schedule We're doing it feels like we're doing episodes every day

Well, no, it just feels like we're doing them well before they come out so it doesn't Previously we're doing you know what it is because we do the episode and then when I upload it I have to I'm in my mind. I'm doing a podcast So I'm spending way more time on the podcast than I'd like to which is now four hours a week instead of three precious two out had it down to enough free time to go to the library no free time to

Place a couple of bets. Yeah Website called bet DSI.com Online you can place bets on what DSI stands for nobody has any fucking idea because there's like we're German company I think who knows you know, but I tell you who knows they do and you can go ask them by going to their website Sure, it's on there because they've been around for 20 years with a damn pretty solid track record of paying people out on time That's right You play bet when they got an easy to use mobile betting interface. It's an app you download on your phone makes betting fun and simple They offer live in-game wagering

So you can make bets as the games going on as you know, it's not just sitting there waiting to lose money You can actively find new ways to lose money. Yeah You know, I've used it myself a couple of times I'm not gonna disclose what I bet on because a lot of it is private personal you guys you got you got Well, I mean a lot of people have been praising stop and I for predicting that the triple crown the horse that horse would win The triple crown, which is something I've been saying for months Shouting it from the rooftop rape raped Beth was the name of the horse raped Yeah, she was running here comes and it's raped Beth in the front

Rape Beth by a leg. It's actually a boy horse. They're real unfortunate name Um, what's coming? So then we got the world cup coming up. Oh, so, you know, I'm going team Iran Nigeria baby Nigeria's super new uniforms the super Eagles. That's such a good name are their new uniforms are so sick And they sold out in like five minutes online. Yeah, I really want to get one of their Home jerseys anyway, so bet on whether Adam will be able to get one. I won't make them in girls So we're gonna go. We're gonna be betting, you know, I'm at DSI.com. I'm bet DSI.com. You know, I'm going Iran Or Saudi Arabia who's also in the world? How about Laudia Arabia? Yeah, smoke that loud

You come here, bitch. We'll get you fucking smoked up. Can't drink alcohol. You can't drive be retarded. You can fuck a car Yep Laudia Arabia getting fucked up and fucking the core Oh, we're here live in Oakland, Saudi Arabia, and we haven't we haven't done Just listen to vocorder music. Yeah Yeah, so, you know me. I'm a coward. I can't take a side. So I'm going Sunni and Shiite in this world cup You're betting for both. I'm betting. I'm taking but I'm bet DSI.com. Yeah. What promo code should people use? What's it? Yeah, come CUM 25 CUM capital C lowercase UM 2 5 and you get 25

You get 20 20 plus a 200 percent Deposit matching your deposit bonus on your deposit. So go ahead and check it out bet DSI.com Play bet win do it spend that money, you know They listen to these they listen to these not do that endorsements spend that mother fuck you don't fucking do it Guess who it gets an angry email from some guy that Lewis's friends with That doesn't sound like the kind of guy you want to email. Yeah, you've just learned how to email Some guy that Lewis knows from jail That would be a funny yeah, he just has instead of keyboards as a punching bag and each different spots represent a different letter

That would be cool. I'll be fucking tight dude. I would I would play Mavis beacon again. Remember that shit Wasn't that like the typing? Yeah, like they taught you now. It's what is it called Mavis beacon? I have no idea what that is. You never played that little game is supposed to chat. I think I just learned how to type I don't remember a game teaching me how to type gay in school Did they have those no really? No, I remember great. We had typing class. My mom had a typewriter and I learned how to type on. Oh Williams very those weird fucked up. No, no, no, it was an electronic typewriter. So you put a floppy disk in it Yeah, yeah. Oh, is that like what I do homework or a word processor fucking weird? Like they weren't computers, but they weren't typewriters

Yeah, well, yeah, it's just it was basically like it's a typewriter You could print on it and then it had like an LED display and it would show you just like the the line you just did the line Yeah, yeah, so you can make corrections. Yeah Yeah, and then you can save it to like a floppy disk. That's pretty fun. I remember doing homework on that thing damn nice Yeah, I think it's buzzing again. Oh, I'm sorry. It's okay man. That's why I'm on the ones and motherfucking twos Yeah, dude, I used to fuck around with Mavis beacon. This shit was fun math blaster. Yeah. Oh math blaster rule Oregon Trail Fuck I love man. I like my games are so educational science blaster. Maybe I think there was a It was in the math blaster family. It's like it's like you're sort of a superhero, but kind of a little dick at one

Yeah, Nick any a big e3 announcements you've been Go right now. It's you right now stops the gamer. I didn't realize Yeah, oh, I should have been playing for tonight this whole time Which oh, yeah, yeah, I thought I had to go to the store and purchase it. No, it's free Some guys you yelled at me at the fucking stand. I thought No, no, I was talking to Monroe and I was like, yeah, I was thinking about going to buy and got a word And the guy was like, let me ask you something and he's like, do you what's what platform do you play? And mom Rose immediately like like he works for PlayStation, you know

And so this guy's like he's like, why don't you just download them like because then you can't sell them afterwards It costs the same exact amount you get less and he's like you don't have to go to the store I'm like you can't sell them afterwards. Yeah You don't have to go to store takes up the same amount of space on the PlayStation You can't sell them after you can just download them on you don't have to go anywhere. You can't sell. What's his angle? Like what what does he have to say? It's clearly better for PlayStation better for PlayStation Okay, then they just continue to make money off new game sales and then they don't have to print the fucking the the media Is it a Japanese guy speaking in AAV ETS? No, it was the opposite

No, it was a black I talk you like a Japanese person There's a little bit of a ghost dog, oh, okay I mean, that's exactly who works for PlayStation. Yeah I don't know why I haven't been calling those guys that for the last 25. Yeah, that's honestly the best Most is sync description. Mm-hmm. Mother fucking ghost dog, but apparently they're changing some gay I don't fucking know. I'm not okay. So you tried to make fun of me. I didn't even know it was E3 Why don't you go ahead and tell me what they're changing gaming homework? Sorry, I was doing man shit

Battle Royale format and people are what is battle royale is everyone like for fortnight So that's everyone know everyone fights until there's one guy left. Yeah, but you said there's no lives. It's a dying Then you wait for the next game. I see I like team deathmatch more than anything. Yeah, that's fun Yeah, team deathmatch is fun. I've been getting back in the battlefield one I would play Halo back in the day that she was fun. I guess I guess I should probably get battlefield five. I Still got to get God of War Yeah, there's a new one, right? Yeah, motherfucking Kratos, right? That's yeah, dude. The first god first two God of War games were so fucking good. Mm-hmm

Man, I'd say is it a story games are so good. I think back to them and it makes me want to smoke weed That's how Mass Effect I didn't play the new Mass Effect either that first Mass Effect was amazing never play What is that like spaceships? Yeah, it's space space. Yeah, the plot is like you're this like I mean, it's like sort of a it's all like open-ended in the decisions you make in the game Like oh nice. Oh, that's the one where you can fuck too, right? You can fuck in it. Yeah, the spaceships Fuck the space like that guy fucking the car. Yeah, you buy. Yeah, your character has Down syndrome Do you proceed?

Excellent choice commander. Thank you very much Wow That's like all this cool like John Carpenter music the whole time Downs effect to be a good game. Do you shoot guns and shit? Do-do-do. Yeah, you have guns and magic and shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, it's a cool game I don't think I can go back. It's I think somebody described it as a space opera, which I think sounds kind of yeah Yeah, it is gay, but you get high and just look at space. I mean, it's yes, that sounds cool, bro Yeah, dude, I fucking I used you should play the first mass. I might play that shit

I don't know if andromeda is good or not, but the first Mass Effect was like I'll play that shit. Mm-hmm. I played that catch me twitch stream and Mass Effect soon guys twitch.tb Yeah, they probably have like some sort of remastered collection. It's all three of the first games. Yeah, probably Yeah, I think Mass Effect 2 I played through most of three I never played and then andromeda. I haven't played yet either Are these online games or story? No, they're all yeah Mass Effect was like mostly offline I mean there might have been online elements, but it was like it was like a hundred hours of gameplay I played Uncharted when Ari gave me his ps4 a couple months ago, and I like did not jack off for four days I just like played like 20 hours a day. That's the thing man

I beat the game. No, these are good games that came out in the last 10 15 years that I just didn't play. It's amazing The cutscenes are so good nowadays. Yeah, it's I haven't played games so long. I played the first Uncharted because they have like some collection Oh, yeah, yeah, so I guess I played four or something. Yeah, I said that already. Yeah I just said it though. Yeah, but I said it months. No, but I just said it. I don't give a fuck. It's cool, dude You're like fucking Indiana Jones and shit, and it's it looks like a movie and it's like I would check my Yeah, but my watch and think it was like 10 p.m. And it was like 4 30 am just like climb walls and shit That was my one complaint. I played and it's like the puzzles are too easy The puzzle is not difficult in any way. I mean, it's like fun

I guess but it's like barely any more fun than Lego Indiana Jones was well You just keep Lego Indiana Jones was one of the best games I used to get Just debilitated at my fucking call center job. They let me work from home I'm like start drinking at 10 a.m. Oh, yes, you're high as shit Yes, and then just sit there and play Lego Indiana Jones while like troubleshooting old people What a fucking non I played the first thing you must have been to get like the email still isn't working I'm like, well you got a oh the lock is on the other side Huh, no, you know what we're gonna go ahead and just restart your computer again

Yeah, they put it in the code it takes four restarts. Yeah to reboot the whole mainframe. Oh hell. Yeah, nice I got the oh nothing. It's just like this Mowgli kid that helps you and I thought he was dead, but he's He's back. No, it has nothing to do with your computer Mm-hmm your hair Lego Indiana Jones It's Indiana Jones, but it there. It's like it's a little Lego guy. It's great. You can't die. I am so high right now Anybody ever ask you if you were on drugs or drunk? No, people would be like, are you okay? Because I would like pass out Goddamn that fucking rules. Yeah, no, it's funny too because I remember when I started working at home

I was like now I can go to bed where the fuck I want I don't have to go into work and then like the first day I try to stay up like just getting obliterated till like 345 in the morning and then I was like on the phones at six Jesus and so like I like you know My alarm goes off and I just like drag the headset onto my head. I'm like lying in bed and I log in the calls come in I'm like I can't I can't speak Goddamn, it's so funny. They didn't fire you they didn't fire anybody at that place

They were so desperate the turnover rate was so like Astronomically high because it is the worst job in the entire world. Yeah Yeah, you have to have the same conversation over and over again trying to solve a very simple problem But it's through the the hands and eyes of an incompetent person, right? So I mean it is like torture in a way. Yeah Let's imagine if you had to like speak but everything was delayed by 30 minutes Damn, and you had to like account for that. That would suck. That's what it felt like. How much did it pay? Well, well it topped out at $11 an hour

Which not not you know working from home, and then it's also Texas. There's no income tax. Oh hell. Yeah, so State income tax. There's no state income tax. So I mean I made I made pretty good money there. Yeah towards the end Yeah, and I was like living with Cuba. So my rent was like 320 a month. Oh hell. Yeah, dude Yeah, 320 a month and the bills were pretty cheap and then you know my paycheck was probably like $750 every two weeks or whatever. Yeah, whatever fucking life, bro Yeah, I mean I saved up a like a pretty significant amount of money before moving to LA Like when I lived in Austin right just from doing that job. Yeah, cuz I would I wouldn't even You know my roommate would be like months late on rent and just get like a check

Yeah, you know and then he would hand me cash for all his back rent I would just put that in like my drawer and not even the bank I just you know I had like thousands of dollars in like back rent and shit that IRS didn't have to know about I mean It's like I'm not writing off my rent Don't even got him. No, baby. Well, they wouldn't The IRS has no clue. Doesn't benefit. It's not income. No motherfucking idea The guy thinks he's cheating the government Yeah, I tell him my whole income they don't even got to know about the deductions

The IRS got no idea what I've been spending my business expense That's how they get you baby. Yeah Two hundred thousand dollars zero deductions Yeah, I paid a hundred and forty thousand dollars They ain't tracking me though, I'm off the fucking grid. I'm off the grid paying $682,000 You ever see that that Riddler guy, but with like money on it. Yeah, of course Yeah, Matthew. Let's go. Yeah, he lived in DC. Yeah, you see him driving around. He had a car the van with a question

Yeah, what was his whole thing about getting money for free or something? Yeah, something like that. I don't know I remember the infomercials. Yeah, there's no way that's real. I mean he afforded the suit. Yeah, he got the suit That's custom. That's custom Harvey suit. I don't know man made Steve Harvey jealous. He's from Bethesda. I think yeah Matthew, let's go. Yeah, I mean, what does he do? I don't remember what this is. I think it's you get money from like government programs That like people don't know exist Yeah, I know but I don't know damn money to eat any nutrients in my body. It's called. I'm hungry, too It's called welfare. I was gonna call you out on it, but I wasn't sure it's question marks. It's not dollar signs Oh, he literally wears a Riddler suit. I thought it was dollars. No, it's question marks. You're right. Yeah

Hmm. Yeah, I was pretty sure it was question marks. Wow Well, this one really petered out wouldn't this this episode really is just about Adam Yeah, but that's good enough man. You got something that good you could take the rest of the episode I just want to clarify that I would have helped the woman I just didn't know what make all this form of combat work two hours a week It's it's fair that we take a break. I mean when Adam says he what doesn't know This is important, right? No, I don't say that you kind of half to clarify I did not say that I wouldn't have stopped the rape. I

Said that I don't know what what form of action I would have taken wrong Dude the thing is I'm just nutrient depleted because I got jacked as fuck today, and I'm why are you just doing arms? Why don't you do titty and small in these exercises? I do titties, too, man You can't in small in with with with lifting weights, bro. You could you just made me bigger, dude Did you go back to the gym since I took you there and I have not No, I felt bad for you. Yeah. Yeah, I've seen the way that old woman was looking at. Oh, okay. You know, we don't Keep some things private. What there's an old woman. There's a lot of things about me that we don't keep private on the show But this is something that I prefer

I mean, I look I'm your friend. I hope you don't know what I max out at I was not gonna say anything Okay, well and that old lady was impressed by me. She said you're making a change And I can see that she won't use the same weights as you there Was this thing like someone made fun of someone in a gym online recently and a bunch of like bodybuilders are like It's whack to make fun of someone making a change in there. It is it is it absolutely is what's because you know Who does that kind of shit is like people that have been like working out for six months that have made one minor change And they're not gonna continue with it. Yeah, I mean, it's fucking stupid If you're like trying to shame somebody because they're what two weeks behind you on starting strength or some bullshit

You're a fucking asshole, and you're probably not gonna continue go to the gym Yes, whatever like issue makes you hate yourself that you have to like, you know shame a retarded man Shame some poor disabled man who just wants to have sex with vehicles We're not shaming him. We're celebrating. I am celebrating him. He's probably the freest man in Saudi Arabia What if that's what's going on imagine you live in like I mean there's so many funny things about that Yeah, to be like if that's your car, and you're just walking. Yeah, yeah, you're coming out of it's clearly not his car He's not driving that course. It's not his car. That's what Nick saying Okay

Because that's a situation where it's like I don't know what I would do. Yeah Not somebody being great If I walked out and a retarded man was having I know exactly what I would really that's like one of those questions a blade runner would ask No, you leave him alone I don't know leave the Chipotle a mentally retarded man has his pants down and he's fucking the hood of your car. I kill him You do you ever see a guy jacking off on the train? Never never No, I've never seen it here, but I saw it in DC. How it would hold on though. I do want to figure out. What do we do? I let him finish. It's a crazy person come on your car

I probably just get in the car and start it and slowly put it in reverse. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just pull it away. Yeah, yeah, just don't say anything Try to back out of that part if you burn his cock with them the engine gets hot Yeah, now are you liable for his cock? I don't know. What do you do shoe him? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you get a rolled up news. Go on. Get it. Get out of here It comes it becomes you put his nose in it. I tell you that's what I hate about first days of summer You come outside and breed tar boy fucking the truck every goddamn year I was down at the O'Reilly auto parks picking up some turtle wax for my Chevrolet I come out what lo and behold

Some boy with fetal alcohol syndrome You gotta fucking 14 and a half inch pecker jam right up in the grill Smeg but I don't even know how that's gonna feel good for him. The goddamn thing's got to be 115 degrees It's covered in bird shit I mean, I know he's retarded, but nobody's that retarded Friends you never know what he likes You never know what he likes call It's so funny too because you see that and you're like, oh, that's why we used to just kill these people

Because I mean that's what happens if they don't have if you don't have special education Yeah, they just wander around in Adidas shorts fucking people's cars Yeah, they probably fucked a lot of things that were weird like in fucking Yeah, I mean tribal days. Yeah exactly imagine you're like, you know in like the fucking medieval times One of those guys is just fucking the public gallows And they're like we have to kill people in that later We got to just put this guy out in the woods. You think you think They were accepted members of the community the idiot the village idiot

Um, they were part of the town They're just like that's the retard if you were in the gallows. Did you get your ass fucked while you were in the gallows by the village idiot? That's how they paid him. Yeah, I think you mean the stock stocks. Yeah, the gallows. If you're a pilloried Yeah, did you get your ass fucked? Maybe. Yeah, damn. I bet you you did that sucks by old Getting buggered by the british. You're getting buggered buggered out big time. Yeah I mean, I just I still I keep thinking back to that video Yeah, and he has a cell phone too. Mm-hmm. He's looking at porn probably right? Yeah, yeah Yeah, my favorite is to look on his eyes when he's discovered because he's not

I don't think they were shame. I think it was like he's annoyed that someone is fucking Interrupting him, you know, he doesn't even look annoyed. He's just like matter of fact. We're like, oh somebody's looking at Because you know when people probably look at him like that all the time because he's disabled and he probably gets mocked He doesn't like he's like, oh boy. Somebody's gonna be a hard time about my disability again That's the look on his face like all great. It's this guy gonna make fun of me for no reason God damn Yeah, that is truly a precious fucking video though. Yeah, it was funny this morning when you text us and you're like, I'm fucking pissed off I'm bad mood. I gotta go watch that video

I mean, it was the best I woke up to that and it was beautiful. Yeah Fuck dude. I sent it to everyone. I know last night Like everyone You were over here when you saw it, right? Yeah, no, yeah We guys up too. Speaking of if you're the guy that sent that to me go ahead and post it on the subreddit I think the full video is on live leak. Is that? Oh, it's a lively. It's not something that I took. No, it's a fuller vid Um, yeah, so I said it's a carrot and Karen was like, did you film this? Yeah, because it's like a file. You said like it has like a video

Right. Yeah. Yeah, I took this video. Is it Williamsburg? You know how hipsters are I wouldn't be surprised if I saw like some retarded like, uh Uh, ha seed kid fucking something though. Yeah, I really wouldn't. Mm-hmm. Well, I think they fuck each other and they get diddled Definitely. Yeah. Yeah. Oh man. Yeah, that whole community screams molestation. Oh, yeah, they're so like private You know, yeah, someone's fucking kids. Yeah. Oh for sure But I mean like they have their own cops and their own like firefighters. That's so funny police force We'll deal with it. You know, it's also like that Boston too. Yeah, they have their own cops

And yeah, it's weird. Very very much in molesting. Yeah, Boston public Boston public. Oh, yeah, remember that show Yeah, William Shatner, right? Nope. No, that was uh, Boston legal. Boston legal. Yeah One of the bosters Boston public was uh Not chi mcbryde That the other guy that's like him. Maybe it was chi mcbryde. It was that bald black guy I think it's chi mcbryde. Is that his name? I confused chi mcbryde and malik yoba who was on new york undercover Uh-huh. Yeah, chi mcbryde jerry ryan anthony healed

Yep, who else was on that show jerry ryan was married to an illinois congressman or governor Yeah, we got a divorce because he was taking her to sex clubs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's so hot. She was so fucking hot, dude So back in the day off so much to her. God damn, dude She was just picture her where you can see her nipples through a shirt. Uh-huh just fucking I could probably crank it off right now in one of those. Let's just do it because when you're when you're an elementary school She has the world's biggest hits. Oh, yeah, which are now as a grown man dog. Shit. Yeah But you gotta be packing some she's got some hindenburg double h's

You know the average bra size in america is 34 double d average average city sizes. There's a lot of fat as shit I guess. Yeah, that throws it off. Yeah, so it's you have stop to thank for that We need the average a lot of like moms that like can't even reach the steering wheel. They just drive with their tins. Yeah Uh, let's see jerry ryan. Yeah, but she's out of shit. I mean, how old is she now? Probably a million years old I'll marry her right now jerry if you're listening. Yeah I'm gonna look. I mean, I'll have sex with her for old times sake for all just what I'll make that clear as it's happening Yeah, yeah, yeah, listen to me you sharp bitch You sharp ass bitch

Yeah, look how fucking hot she was dude. Oh good god. Mama Mia jerry. Let me get Now this is the part of the podcast where we just look at female celebrities from 1995 And then react. I guess you just turn into like one of these middle-aged guys. It's like, uh, what a beautiful woman that is This guy's like you're like humiliated by is a teenager Yeah, oh, this is definitely you know, I've oh that rack hell welsh Yeah, dude, I don't mind being one of those guys Who are the girls of that era? We are those guys. I want to be young forever. We're old Live fast die young. I can't I can't believe I'm turning 30. I'm supposed to be dead by now, dude

No, you're gonna make it dude. I'm not a guys penis. I want to suck a guys penis You know what we should do we should rape jerry. No, no Okay, we should get me. I thought I just just going along with the boys I don't want to say this on maybe I shouldn't say it on the pod. Maybe I should just talk to stop about this No, it's too late. You got to say it now. I think we should get you that hot air balloon, right, buddy For your 30th birthday. That is good. Yeah, I would still I would still smash Jerry Bringing her to sex clubs, huh?

Damn, how much would you want to bend in that fucking sex club? She's just fucking so uncomfortable. Stop. Give us a little hypothetical about the sex club If I'm in that damn sex club number one, I'm pulling out the what the fucking hoggeroo that's step one Yeah, only clothes pull my cock out. It's soft through the zipper fedora too small fedora Little fedora on my head in showed expose Dressed like a Puerto Rican cab driver Penis out. What's your say you want puppy? You're like you want to talk like that I do when I'm in this club

You know, I don't like these so yes, so he's shaking his hand. He we're shaking hands. Hi I'm whatever. I'm just that I'm congressman. I'm congressman bill ryan. I'm congressman star us That was close to a tutorial. I maybe I can do tutorial if I can work back from jesus Oh, yeah from the bowling. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, do it. I'll work on that. I don't know It was just that no mess it with the jesus. Yeah. Yeah, do it again. Maybe I could work back from no, I can't I don't know Barton think to Barton think from there. Yeah Yeah, um, figure it out Yeah, so they're introducing me. I have my dick out. I found out I could do the old guy from big Lebowski

Oh, yeah, the wheelchair. Yeah the the other Lebowski. I'm supposed to suck your dick mr. Lebowski That guy wasn't Lebowski. No, his name is also Lebowski. That's why they can every time somebody's dick gets sucked in this fair city Wow, I'm supposed to suck your dick. Is that guy in any other movies? probably He's the training day. He was the guy the cop That's leaning even No, no the guy's training. Ethan hawk. Isn't that the guy densel washing? Oh, you're right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I always fucking mix those guys the fat wheelchair guy and Lebowski and densel. Yeah, he was great in fences that guy

This guy's a spinal, dude Spinal tap. This guy's a this guy's a gold bricker. I wish I could do an impression of everybody. That'd be awesome That's a super. Some people can do that. Mm-hmm. Some people can name one person Frank caliendo. Frank caliendo. You're right. You're right Man of a thousand voices. I'm sorry. That's like it sucks because if you get really good impressions, you don't have to write jokes anymore Which is really all any comedian wants is to not have to write jokes Is just like well, I got to do an hour like Oh, who likes Ray Romano? Here I come, you know, you know Dabra. Yeah, that's all you got to do. It's good enough. Yeah, I'm in your fucking pussy That's good. Keep doing it. Keep going. Who remembers Stephen Collins from 7th heaven. You just do that big pedophile hour

Dad all the famous pedophiles. Are you choosing Ray Romano of pedophilia right now on the record? Everybody loves Ray Except the kids actors. Yeah, the child actors to please Sons and daughters. Nobody's gonna believe you Nobody's gonna believe this You can fucking cry all you want. Nobody's gonna believe it. What's the show? Who's known as on the show? Hey, look, look if I'm not all the way hard, you're not getting in the fucking movie If I bust before I'm all the way hard, you bet your ass

You're gonna be in a fucking dumpster in Los Feliz two hours I'm gonna slit your fucking throat and dump you behind a Chinese restaurant. Fucking prick Get my dick hard. Don't make me cum soft Don't make me fucking cum soft. That's it Hell yeah, dude threatening pedophile Ray Romano Oh, I don't know Raymond Raymond Raymond, I don't know. I've never sucked dick before

Listen to me you fucking idiot. I got a 15 guys who can play my brother Get my fucking dick hard right now. Oh, okay, Raymond You gotta love that guy. Yeah, he's tearfully recounting that story of his comedy club Frank Calliando doing that in a in a general with NBC and he's like, so that's the show Boom, I'm John Madden and I'm getting my dick sucked by Ray That's good. I would pay so much money for that Calliando was on mad tv. He was towards the end But that's that kind of launched him though, isn't it? It did and then he had Frank tv after that

Yeah, oh Frank friend of the show Mike McCray was on Oh, you guys fuck with Mike, you know Mike, I don't I don't think I know Mike's very funny Very talented impressionist also nice. He's the one that does that Michael Douglas joke. Oh, did you? Did you fuck my wife? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? I don't know that yes. He might he does the impression of Michael Douglas or whatever I don't want to just do it. Yeah. Yeah. Look it up. Mike McCray Joke about a good baseball name Is it does he play baseball sounds like a bit he doesn't bitch

Hmm He doesn't play baseball I'm calorie deficient. I'm nutrient deficient. Yeah, me too. But I've been eating like pastries all day long. I'm hungry I gotta put together some kind of gym plan I've had so many fucking goddamn chores. I know I've been able to go to the gym been choreed up Yeah, once this once this I'll go back once I get a fucking couch. I'm done making those speaker stands and those bookshelves I'll be able to like live like a man. Yeah Yeah, look go go back the lift weights twitch streaming

Really put more effort into this fucking show. So I'm not coming here tired because I've been up reading comic books all night Is that what you've been doing? No, I've never read a card other than spawn I've never read a comic book and disappointed to reread spawn and find out that it's complete shit. Really? Yeah, because I probably read when you were 13, right younger than that. Oh, really? Yeah. I was like probably eight Is he black in the comic? Yeah? Yeah Yeah, I just I only saw the show No, the HBO show. Yeah There's an HBO. Yeah

Yeah, the HBO shows movie. I saw the movie New Orleans. I used to be really into the HBO Friday Nightline HBO shows starts off with uh With Todd McFarlane and he's like drawing spawn in this. Oh, yes. Yes, warehouse. I was burning a fucking like mask suit And then he like zooms in he's like stop for a second. You've just been killed boom your whole life flashes before your eyes You got one one second to make a choice. Do you do the choice? Yeah, do not do the choice. He's like maybe you want to do a couple more takes Dude, that's a really Talented family though the mcfarland. Yeah, Bonnie mcfarland. Seth mcfarland farland. Yeah

Uh old mcfarland old mcfarland had a farm. Do you know that stewie baby's penis? There you go. Suck off little kids. Take it away. Suck off little kids Suck off little kids and then get head from old mcdonald had a farm and most of it was illegal And on that farm. He had a boy who had down syndrome And he fucked the car And he fucked the car and bingo what? Bingo was his name Old mcfarland and bingo the same so it's old mcdonald old mcdonald and bingo the same song

They did that half those songs are the same yeah. Yeah. Happy birthday and twinkle twinkle is the same What no twinkle little star and what happy birthday to you No, no, no Nice, no, no, no the alphabet and twinkle twinkle are the same. You fucking asshole. Well, everyone knows that you fucking Yeah, happy birthday. That's what I'm not happy birthday. Yeah Happy birthday Okay, do you want to suck my penis? Shout out to anyone out there who remembers the macarena.

Uh, suck my penis. Shout out if you remember Doug. Yeah, yell as loud as you can wherever you are. Just scream. The top of your lungs. Shout out if you remember the electric slide. Yeah. Yep.

You've got a penis. That's for tiny. Get a tiny ass like this. And you suck that penis. God, I hope I die soon. Yeah, you will, man. You will. I know.

I promise. I know. I know. Liam, I'm coming, buddy. Damn, I hope he's not dead. Yeah. I'll be upset if Liam is dead. Yeah, me too.

I don't want anyone to kill himself. Only because I like to think of myself as a hero that saves people, not because I'd actually be upset about his death. Yeah, yeah. Well, he would insult me by killing himself. He was well-meaning. No, he wasn't.

Yes, he was. He sent your family pictures of your dick. He sent my sister pictures of her own breasts. Yeah. But that was from her Instagram. That's a weird move, man. Yeah, I guess that's, I guess I would be happy. I don't support that move.

He's saying you guys should be happy. I guess I'd be happy. I don't know what I do. If I had the ability to stop Liam from dying. It's OK to take pleasure in the death of people that you consider to be slight enemies or inconveniences. No, come on. Look, dude, we're powerful men.

You need to start living like it. You got to whack some of our enemies. I would be lying if I said that I've never paid to have someone kill. That would be an untrue statement. That's right. If I were to say that. On his Hillary shit, Nick's on his Hillary Clinton shit.

Of course. Look, the only reason I'm obsessed with all these private island psychopaths is because I want to be one of them, of course. That is, yeah. You know what the biggest private island is? The fucking earth. One day, that shit's going to be mine.

Yup, damn, bro. Adolf Hitler, chicken soup for the artist soul. He was just trying to fuck kids. Women just wanted a compound to get sucked off. Yeah. All right. Well, listen, gang, I think that's going to do our show. Is it?

I think so. You think so? Let's get dinner and then go. Well, I'm sorry. I feel like we're getting into it now. We've been doing it. It's an hour 20, I think. Hour 15.

Yeah, but I feel like we got some energy now. Not that I'm like, I'm doing it for a live show. I've been really, I've been getting hungry for like 15 minutes. But let's keep going. You want to go? No, no, it's fucking seven, dude. Show us an eight.

Shout out to Liam, though. Dude, a couple more minutes. No, it's OK. We can go eat. We got a live show. No, let's see. All right. Listen, I'm going to plug my dates and then we can keep.

And I'm going to start cooking and then we can do it. Oh, yeah. But further side, which August 12th, Otto Bar. Yes. What is the Boston date? September? I'll look right now. Yeah.

Cleveland. Cleveland, then Boston. Yeah. Two days in a row. Doing the Cleveland Boston tour. And Adam is going to post the ticket links on Twitter. And so is Stavros. Yes, I'm not on Twitter.

I have no way of doing that. Yes. Are the ticket links live for those shows? They're going to be in both of their bios. Yeah. Lincoln bio. Yeah, OK. We'll post that shit.

Nickel plus on Australia's third week of October. And yes, and I am going to be in Rhode Island, Middleport or some bullshit Friday, the 22nd. I might add. I might do a secret show in Austin in a couple of weeks. So the 22nd, please buy those tickets to Rhode Island. And then if you are in Seattle and Portland, Seattle, I'll be there on the 28th at Lafts Comedy Club.

That's at 830, please buy the tickets. Those are up. Those are my bio. And also, I will be in Portland July 3rd at the Funhouse Lounge. So come through. Come get sucked off. Rhode Island, Seattle, Portland.

Everyone said that. Stop, said that. Everyone is allowed. Stop, said that. Black people are not allowed to do that. He thinks it's fun. He thinks it's funny, but I'm just crying because just a suggestion of something so racist.

Everyone is allowed to come. My golden heart. And it's weird because you really dislike black people, but love sports. So it's strange. That is strange. You like the yelling at them aspect. Yeah, I think it's sports fan.

My ultimate goal is to be a sports fan. Whereas I love black people, but only because I want to harvest them for their power. I'm going to have a whole team of black people that I love so much that they do everything for me. That's what that movie, Get Out, was about. It was about people that loved black people. Oh, yeah.

Oh, also, twitch.tv-styleybaby, I think I'm going to start doing a regular schedule. I think I'm going to do Tuesday nights. It'll be my big dick gaming session. And then I think I'll do Monday meal prep, where we'll just fucking Monday morning. I'm fucking marinating. I'm going to have a couch soon.

And once I have that couch, Stav is going to come over. Yeah, we're going to game like big dick warriors. Switch stream from my place. Ooh, it's going to be nice. Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. So that's, yeah, that's it. Those are my plugs.

Also, I'm on You Know What, Dude yesterday. I am, too. I am, too. So check us out yesterday, me and Stav yesterday. No, I think they pre-record those. So it might be later. Oh, all right. Well, then something else.

Yeah. Either we already know, you know what, dudes, or we're coming up soon. Yeah, you know what? I will do that secret show in Austin. If you want to DM me venue suggestions, I know a couple of places that I'm going to reach out to. It's kind of a last minute thing.

But you'd be able to do it. Yeah, some small do like 100, 150 people. You do 150? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And nothing is happening in my career, especially nothing that you guys could potentially do. Adam is in a commercial. Please do some research on it.

Yeah, Adam's in a commercial. Please don't ruin it the same way he ruined my commercial. I didn't ruin your commercial. You kind of did post about it immediately, to be fair. You posted first. No, you posted first. You texted everyone immediately. No, no, no, no.

You immediately brought it up on the podcast. You opened the floodgates, so then I figured why not. Which is fine. You just didn't think. Also, but I should address, because in reading the subreddit, I see that people were claiming that I was bitching about something that was my own fault. I tried to manage exposure with that commercial

as much as possible. I knew it would probably be a problem. But whatever, things happen, I would rather have the show than be a fucking commercial actor, and you can't double dip. So it's like, I'm not even, things happen. But just point of fucking argument, they specifically mentioned the subreddit

and asked me to delete it. So it is absolutely your fault. The subreddit was 100% the problem. I have numerous emails, and I got calls about specifically. You were just giving them power. The come town subreddit. And it'll probably be a. So that was the issue.

It was not me or anything I've said on the podcast, or even any tweets that I had. There was not a single tweet cited other than the ones that you posted on the subreddit that they complained about. Yeah, so look out for the subreddit ruining my commercial acting career pretty soon. And you know what, boys, go for it, right? What do you mean, what are you talking about?

Nick, shut the fuck up. We are in this together. No, we're not in this together. No, we're not. We are a family. And the way families show love is by controlling and destroying every aspect of your life. We're not a family.

It's a natural impulse. No, if you listen to the show. I'm your father and your son. No, if you listen to the show, we really appreciate it. I've created you and you unto me. No, no, no. We appreciate it if you listen to the show, but we're also, you know, we're human beings, too.

I'm not like, yes, you are. All right, so just just be cool. I'm going to quit the podcast and start posting on the reddit and just try to become the best guy on the reddit. That would be incredible. That's the new goal. It's like when Marlowe takes his corners. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you start over on the reddit.

Just quit the show, become an anonymous person, get a sex change, and then work my way back onto the podcast from the subreddit. Yeah, dude, I end up fucking you. We end up putting you up for it. I'm about my corners. Well, watch out for that, guys, in about three years. Me, Adam, and Racine will have Nick on and will have sex with them.

We'll get that woman that I saved and that out. Yeah, there's just nothing to do in Lancaster. I just moved to Lancaster. You moved to Lancaster? I'm divorced. I'm three quarters Chinese, one eighth Jewish and 19. I'm mostly mango seeds and flip flops. Please don't harass any of our best guests.

I'm not harassing anyone. Don't harass. I'm feeling salty now. You are feeling good. Got the boy all salty. Bring that energy to the fucking live show, baby. In an hour, if you're listening to this, we're going to be. This is going up Wednesday.

Let's go up Wednesday. So if you can travel back in time, in an hour, we'll be a come on everybody. All right, I think that's it. Yeah, right. Thanks, guys, for listening. Goodbye. Here I want to go.

See you soon. You