The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 109 – Maggets and Terds

Episode Date: June 28, 2018

DO u know the DIFFERENCE between a freakin PODCAST and a PODCAST AND UPLOADS? n stuff. maybe you should learn before you talk im sure your wife did wen i had sax with her twat freakin 162 times nstuff. happy back surgery day

All right, here we are everyone. Yeah back in the motherfucking trap Two episodes back to back ran out of steam pretty hard on the last link So well you got your burrito and your I got my burrito my coffee. That's not coffee. It's coffee Well, it literally does not taste like coffee. There's no tea bag in it. We've got Flabby tits flan and milk Flab tits flan again my nice cup of milk. We got a fat mixed drink in a whole thing a whole milk Yeah, that's good. This is how we get people we're trying to figure out ways to get people to stop listening It's gone on too long

We don't get what it is. I can see that I can see it in your eyes I want to die so bad Because this is the thing man all these people they move here to the comedy right and then it doesn't work out Yeah, and then they like finally you can start your life Well, they have relationships and shit, right or they figure out how to enjoy their 30s as dog walkers Yeah, we can't do we've been robbed of that Stolen from us success is we have a poverty of the heart. Yeah, people understand What it's probably of the heart, but a bounty of the whole yeah, we're all getting fucked in our ass

Well, they saw this stupid shit Adam was buying with their money I didn't buy that I was it I was a Coney Island yesterday eating an Italian ice and paying $16 for a Ferris wheel that I wrote as a grown man I was laughing at this fat guy singing Billy Joel karaoke while watching the fireworks, and I just thought my life sucks I have like the worst life that guy's the best life that guy is the best life. Yeah, how is the people watching at Coney? It's always top-notch. I don't go people watching How is the penis watching everywhere you go every time what are you talking about you watch people's penis? My eyes are closed shout out to that guy by the way, so they do fireworks at Coney Island

I guess on Friday nights. Oh every Friday night. It's not just like a 4th of July thing. Well, it's not 4th of July. That's true No, it's not yeah, it's a couple weeks away, but you just walk by some black kids in Coney Island Yeah, right We're about we're about a scarce info. I did I did people do go ahead Yeah Well, so there's a bunch of crowded people waiting for the fireworks to start and then some radio station had like karaoke set up So there's this guy wearing like the best outfit, which is hoodie, jean shorts. Yes, you know Tall T Kevin Smith outfit Kevin Smith outfit. Yeah. Yeah, just looking like absolute shit. Yeah singing. We didn't start the fire

And then I didn't know there was fireworks. So it looked like there was like a thousand people watching This one guy do Billy go carry you. Poor thing. Just poor thing. Yeah, he's fucking not even good. He's like we're Letty Bruce and Lester Bangs. We didn't start the fire. You gotta give him credit. That's a hard-ass song to do with karaoke It's easy. It's easy. It's like my dick is mobile. Yeah, because if you know the words, it's easy because everybody's just waiting on you to nail the technical aspects of it You don't have to sing the song A fucking hard song to sing a karaoke purple rain because it's not that many It's all in the how you say purple rain The first part it's hard. It's a very hard song. Yeah, easy song. We didn't start the fire even easier

Because no one even knows what you're fucking saying the world random people's names No, you can say the names you just memorize the names and if people are like wow He knows all the names and you don't have to really speak good at singing. Yeah, you just have to be good at listing things Into the world as we know at R.E.M. Same deal. Yep. I have the heart is as penis in this room That's great. It starts with a hurricane Earth Earthquakes Lenny Bruce is not afraid. Oh, they also shout out Lenny Bruce Yes, and and we didn't start with the fire. I don't know if they do in fact when I said Lenny Bruce and Lester Bang Thinking I was trying to do the song badly

I think you're losing listeners You would be surprised What's happening is I am that guy singing Billy Joel and the fireworks are my inevitable suicide Oh, that's what people would gather out for a nice spot. Wow, all these people think I'm a good comedian In my Kevin Smith outfit fucking up all the lyrics and speaking improperly We didn't start the fire was actually the first rap song. That's true. Yeah And end of the world as we know is the second rap song Why are you always trying to take things away from black people on the show?

I've been spending a lot of time online and learning facts real true. It'd be funny if you become old right and that's how the show That would be funny. Yeah, dude. I told you already. Yeah, Dasha gets you into like Russian nationalism or whatever. Oh, I'm a total Russo file now. I've started jacking off to Russian point They are the cool, you know, it's funny. I shit on Russians, but if I were Russian, I would probably be Russian they're angry as people the Russians. It's that's the best type of person. Yeah Yeah, I mean, they're they're completely amoral. They're amoral. Yeah, they're liars. They're fucking liars They literally don't great grandma was a piece of shit. They only they keep it up here Keep it up here. They smile based on why is a shitty wire on rules. They have like rules as to when you smile

It's not just like a fucking natural reaction. Yeah. Mm-hmm. What are some of the rules? I don't know like if you're trying to lie to somebody. Yeah. Yeah, that's the only time they're ever smiling Yeah, I think my plan is it we have another cord for this or no I think my plan is if Dasha and I break up, I'm just gonna get a mail order that looks exactly like her. Oh, that's good Yeah from Russia. Yeah, I'll just guy I'll spend a ton of money on her Skype wife Skype wife get her all hanging out with Sid and Tiffany from Twitter get some of that Skype pussy. Who's sitting Tiffany? I don't know just some girls two girls. I mean, you probably know Tiffany

Tiffany was at my birthday party. She's Leon's long-term girlfriend. They dated for a very long. I thought they broke up He broke up with her. Whoa. Why are we saying what? Because they didn't date very long and I think she broke up with him, but the real story They did for a very long time And he dumped her ass. Well, that's fucked up. She got super dumped by him and she's still upset about it Talking about random Very narrow TMZ. Yeah

She's she's real upset. She was spotted canoodling. Yeah. Yeah. My name is Sid. No, Tiffany is the one There's a girl. Tiffany implied that that maybe her mom is in mail order Brian. No, I don't know if she said Russia and confidence Is literally physically And then you have like a platform where Nick doesn't seem like the kind of guy you tell shit That's true. That's true. And somehow I have told I don't know why you keep literally look in his eyes. It's Unflinching funny steady hands. It's like too much fun fucking with me. The FBI probably were like investigating me They're like, oh, there's no way this guy wouldn't just blurt it out if he was part of ISIS Oh, yeah, that's the best defense would be gossiping here people about it

Sorry, I just I just switched with Justin because I so that I can hear whenever the mic is fucking up. Okay, cool Mm-hmm Stop the other ones and twos bitch super good call your hand fucking hot as hell. Yeah, he's got hot hands You have hot hands. I got hot. He would stop actually found a way and because he does food preppy eats all day long Mm-hmm. So you're instead of like having the he just microwaves his hand Hot all day hot and then he just holds the pop tarts and hot. Yes He cooks all the food in his hands, that's right. You give me a room temp hot dog I'll fucking warm that boy right up. That's right with my sweaty ass

I never have actually not bad Really she's to make you well, she didn't like hold me down and force me to eat and fuck your ass shove it down She used to force me to fuck you with Like you should eat a cold hot dog and I really I'm like dumb enough to listen Yeah, you should fucking take those little short soles and eat a cold hot dog Oh, was she watch was it like a nice lady? Would you did you ever get molested? No

Unfortunately very been I don't do that. I don't think I've ever even come close to being more. Really? Yeah, you an ugly child I was fat. I wouldn't say I was ugly. Yeah, imagine being fat and getting molested. Oh, yeah I don't think stop has to imagine Yeah, this guy would hold him down and pour her she's syrup on it Directly he would just throw chocolates at stops dude. I feel like bad kids get molested all the time I think they're probably gullible. They're probably easier to get with the You know offer candy to a normal kid though, like I don't yeah, yeah, right special occasion. Yeah a fat kid You could learn him in with bread

Hey, check this out. It's the end piece. No, that would not work I don't mind the end piece. Yeah, why do people hate the end piece? I would not get molested for an end piece Yeah, and not why I wouldn't either. No, not white bread dude a baguette. I said it back. Yeah, dude Like they sell you can scoop all the bread. Okay. I'm back in cheese Cheesecake Broccoli cheese soup bowl. Yes, bitch. I just went to lucha lucha in place. That's a lucha lucha I think I thanked me for shouting. Oh, he said thanks the podcast That's friend Matt's friend. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did he give you a free burrito? No

I rejected different. Wow Nick man of principle man of honor. Hey, you reject anyone. What's it give us cop style discounts? I will yeah There's no reason I should eat for free and an established for art because I'm a hero because you're our hero You're because I'm a what if you need to molest a kid later and you need a burrito. Oh, that's you need to put it in his Ass, okay to warm it up. That's a different way you could cook food either my hands or a young boy's ass That's how they got the conveyor I was the first convection oven a young boy's ass it's tighter than Your ass and warmer used to be a conventional remember that kid Uh, who's it the fat like laway Asian kids used to live here used to do I mean, I'm sure he still does he's from New York

But he used to a lot of sin Lawson weren't you like boys with him? Yeah Bryson mean Bryson retired. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and you were boys of Lawson. I remember that dude Bryson. Oh Lawson I was driving behind. I was driving at a mall in In New Jersey and just like fat Hawaiian looking kid came out of the woods. I think it might have been lost Yeah I was like, I think that's lost bring her mic in 4 p.m. In the business Jersey

Well, he had a joke that was pretty funny about how like he's like he's like history's fucked up He's like I was reading like so like Socrates you would take yeah, but it was just too many words boys boys He said it's just fucking boys. He would press their thighs together And he was fucking between their thighs and make a little fight pussy in Greek for that and that was Socrates Abraham Lincoln apparently fucked thigh pussy as well. He had like a best friend and he fucked his thigh pussy Yeah, and that's how you oh, that's how you were gay back then which is like guys Just fuck each other in the ass, you know, I mean if you're gonna fuck each other's thighs Well, maybe they didn't know about ass fucking. I feel like you could put it together. I feel like you do a little experimentation

You end up with where that had if he was already tall. Yeah, I agree Dude isn't his wife like the ugly Martha Jones Lincoln, that's not her name something like that isn't it a married Todd Mary Todd Mary Kate and Ashley Mary Kate and Ashley Lincoln. Yeah, dude. I mean who wouldn't fuck their friend's thighs. Yeah Yeah, Justin's got a picture of this ugly ass fucking my reading grandma faced bitch, dude. You don't want to read this Oh, yeah, she's not that kind of plane. She's not hit. She's probably got a nice spot I bet she's got bad. She's got a toy. Everyone says she had a bad pussy. That's an every history book Yeah, yeah, Mary Todd Lincoln's got that garbage cunt

She was singing up that Ford's theater with her. Oh, yeah, she's got a fat ass That is all her that's all her No, that's all Feminisms next goal Replacing Abraham Lincoln's face with his wife's ass There's got to be a monument that should just be her ass. Yeah, mm-hmm. I agree Yeah, they put on they said they put them on the five because I don't know man In some pictures she could get it

In some pictures she looks like who's on the dime Eisenhower Oh, but that's an old-ass bitch version of her. He's on the penny, right? No, the pennies pennies Lincoln Eisenhower is on the dime. Yes. Yeah, dude It would make sense if Lincoln was on the dime because his wife's ass is a dime Shouts out to shouts out to Eisenhower a bold. Yeah, you would put on the boots there Barack Obama Check this out, why don't we put them on a fucking bus transfer? Subway token they still have those. Yeah, just yeah, Philly. They do have a way tokens They should make a $70 bill and put Barack Obama on it and then make a $71 bill and put Donald Trump on it

It's more. It's more money That'd be fun. It would be funny to get Donald Trump. It would be cool if Trump started destroying things and making them about himself The Washington Monument of the tattoo of him shaking hands with Hulk Hogan Yeah, yeah, yeah, Terry Bolea, which is name. Yeah, Terry Bolea. Yeah, 100% Yeah, yeah, who's that Italian? Yeah, he wants the they both want to fuck their daughters. So yeah Oh, yeah, that show was so fun. The Hulk Hogan reality show was just like ploy to make people think that he's a good dad Yeah, a lot of him being tough, but fair. You want to take the Corvette up on my dead body homework first pal This house on love

And then he's like just fucking his daughter's like 12 year old friends Stop rolling. He's like injecting them with steroids. I can make it push you tighter. I got something to help You can put this D ball in your pussy. Seize up on you strong Dude, he had a fucking segue at one point. He would like argue with his wife and then ride away That's the most disrespectful Dude, he was just fucking he had a girl on a segue somebody saw you getting road head. Oh, that wasn't me. You're on You're in the Palisades mall on the segue getting road

I got to get a picture of Hulk Hogan on his segue. Oh, yeah. Oh Absolutely was the name of his friend who he cut Bubba the love Sponge on playing and you're like a wrestling guy, huh? Yeah, I am a wrestling fan, but I'm not like a You're not a bitch about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think you are who's your favorite One right now. Yeah, yeah, Shinsuke Nakamura. Oh a Japanese Japanese. Yeah, a Japanese. Yeah Yeah, he's good. Yeah, he's good do flips No, he doesn't do a lot of flips, but he like kicks people in the balls a lot. No, he has no rules Yeah, he's an Eddie Guerrero. No rule. Well, he's not like Eddie Guerrero. Eddie Guerrero is Mexican

God rest his soul to win dude. I miss him so much Yeah, everybody laughing today like cut I cut just like all the context out of this George Carlin bit Oh He never drops an end frame he does it he does it before but I took that part out. I Google Hulk Hogan on the segue and I got a nice gift. Is it called gift of Hussain Bolt being run down by a segue? No, that's perfect. It's Hussain Bolt. No, it's insane bolt. Oh, you said Hussain Yeah, Hussain Bolt the fast terrorist Yeah, hey, I'm not saying it's not a terrorist. He was a strong man that led his country through a lot of struggle

Yeah, despite the West fucking interference. He made sure Fucked up state made it a pretty okay place to live for a lot of people. This is a bath. Yeah Bubble bath is yeah, bubble bath That's not talking about gay gay Sunni socialist I Was there a guy named chemical Ali. Yeah, it's part of the chemical brothers. Yeah, he did IDM I used to I used to listen to IDM when I was in high school. What's IDM? Intelligent dance music. What? It's the gayest name for any type of music channel. Yeah

What is an artist? It's like Apex Twin Adam got broken up with by DJ. So now he has to shit on his favorite type of music That's why he's been so depressed the last 10 years is because She took his heart Intelligent took his ears. Intelligent dick munching. That's what you do Nick's being quiet right now, but he also really used to like IDM too. I still do. I still like Apex Twin Really? Yeah, me too. What is it? It means for white people. Yeah. Yeah It means like there's no way that Hispanics could dance to this

Latino guys can't steal your girlfriend I don't want to hear any fucking flamenco too much computer There are too many computer noises. I don't know how to fuck your wife That's right You don't computers confuse me anything that you can use to read. I do not know how to read I only know how to fucking dance What's an Apex Twin song they have a sandstorm by Darude is that my favorite

Apex Twin song my favorite Apex Twin album is Selected ambient that's everybody's favorite. Yeah. Yeah, the first one. The first one is the best. Yeah, I mean, it's like almost perfect Can you like that can you like beatbox it right now? No, okay, Lou is bullied some homeless man in the beatboxing Jesus I was laughing and then the guy was like got mad at me and like It's not that he wanted to fight, but it's like he was like no, I'm no boy for laughing me And it's like all right. All right, and then Lewis is like egging him on it's like Lewis. I'm not gonna fight a God damn

Yeah, and then the guy went to the bathroom and Lewis starts going through his backpack I'm like, please don't do that. He's like, what has he gotten here? And of course, it's like napkins to wipe his ass with Because he lives outside. He's like, it's just all fucking napkins. It's like, yeah, I'm sure it's just napkins. He's homeless Yeah, take that motherfucker down a couple notches Lewis. Yeah Why don't you punch down To the homeless the homeless guy that's squatting on the floor taking a shit. I'm about the comeless and it's a guy with bad hair I like so Justin we had you on the show because Nick

One of the organizations that he hates the most is the United Parcel Service. I hate you. Really? That makes two. No, I actually don't have beef with UPS. It's more the U. S. P. S. Hmm. Oh United State Postal Service. Yeah, completely different. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, your rivals Dude, I don't even know how I know we're losing a lot of business to FedEx, but that just means I have to work less Getting headache head to express Dude, but FedEx is like not union if you like bring it up. They like have like secret service guys come out of a truck My words gonna tell you this right now. Yeah, I guarantee it next two years FedEx will go back to being federal express And they're gonna change all the logos to the retro logo. You think so I guarantee you little fucking guaranteed

Easy money. I will bet in fact, how would you bet? Is it's been 30 minutes? No all 22 50 We'll wait eight minutes. I'll tell you how he would bet fuck this might keeps fucking up Why do you think UPS so much? Do we really not have another cord? We need to buy we need to buy another cord. We don't in the back. Do they not get your packages to you on time? Yeah, my friend just is texting me because she accidentally had sex during her fertility window That she tracks using this fertility. Oh, that shit is bullshit this period tracker app. Did she get raw dogs? Yeah, she got raw dogs. She got fucked out. Did she get it? Did she get her fucking pussy? She got her pussy just just power wash Dude, who goes to ninking a situation like this?

Who's like yo, you know who I should reach out to Nick Muller? I got to do a quarter million Who can talk me this retard? Yeah, I was a guy with the devil in his eyes when something bad happens to somebody His eyes light up Dude, what time I saw a guy get hit by a car and Nick's eyes lit up and he like actually showed personality for five minutes When did we see someone get hit by a car? I was just fucking around we did it. I was about to say that I remember that stuff

But I did see you the day you got the you saw the dog get his head stuck in a window. You were glowing. Yeah, that was great He was on 8th Avenue, but you can see it from 5th Yeah, the dog got it's head caught in a revolving door Little dog. You got stuck back. Yeah, I was taking a video trying to sell it to the news Because I was going to your show that day, okay, and I was I walked past Nick and you know, I mean And then I had to explain to my girlfriend who Nick was when he was like Dude, he just like cash like Dude, we see him on the street. He's like, yeah, man. I got this fucking dog got his head stuck in a revolving door

I'm gonna sell it to the news I mean A couple thousand dollars You sell them to different news outlets, but you get fucking twenty five dollars here fifty dollars there a couple different outlets Yeah, I mean, that's big news about a couple thousand dollars. You think you'd make Local New York stations all five hundred of them Coming up next a dog with This dumbass bitch ass dog

And if you thought we had any more information on that we don't I am when he told me he was going to sell it to the news for a second. I was like, that's not a bad idea Later I was like, yo, what the fuck It's a bad idea. I think it's a good idea. It's a very sinister idea Is it? Yeah, you're capitalizing on the suffering of a pill shut up. What? Oh I think there's a union job go in your backyard right now Maybe you should close the window. No, maybe we shouldn't motherfucker. Um, maybe you suck my legs and stop riding that chair Yeah, like a fucking Sibian. Maybe you should move to a neighborhood you belong in

South Williams Those guys, it's a little Brooklyn joke for you guys. Yeah, I bike down to Coney Island yesterday. Oh, yeah They just go yeah, they just keep going all the way down there. That is going really Israel. Yeah. Yeah, they go way down there But like off the ocean Down there you get Syrian Jews. They're Syrian Jews Russian Jews. Yeah. Yeah There's like all types of all types of fucked up type of shoes down there. Yeah, yeah Do they have big titties? I was upset. I went to get food at Yeah, go ahead answer the door Adam we got a little surprise

It's the door knocking on the door guess what the fucking USPS guy. Yeah Yeah, Adam just did the jerking of all four guys cock into his mouth motion. Yeah, and then he said five minutes It was Max's buddy Davis who actually Listened to the show, but he listens to the come town. Apparently he told me at 1.5 speed No, and he said that your staves laugh is just insane demonic. It sounds good I'm gonna do some extra high-pitched quick ones for you. It's too low. It's 1.5 Like

Jokes Yeah, yeah, just cuz you want to get all the info That's like how you play an emulator like a fucking video game like a slow RPG You can get one right now Dude, they're harder to fight Keeps taking everything down easy. You just got a torrent all the shit. Yeah, you got that shit sent you from Ukraine Dude, there's one. I have that I got this you'll like this. So I got this thing from Ukraine It's like a n64 cartridge with an SD card slot. Oh, yeah, I know you're talking about yeah

And it has every game on it. Yep. Yeah, that rules it rules But you get bored of it after like two hours. No, I wouldn't yeah No, it is honestly like dude. I have all the emulators. I have a computer hooked up to my fucking TV in the living room Yeah, I used to have that set up. Yeah. Yeah with the HDMI. Yeah, I have all the emulators on there But you're like dude, I'm gonna play so much Super Nintendo and you realize how annoying the games are how hard they are jumping Shooting because I used to have a call center job So I bring my laptop in and I had like a USB SNES controller. Yeah, I have one of those, too

I'm just the only game I played like consistently for me like no Earthbound Earthbound I played through and that's a game you play on one half speed. Yeah. Yeah, is that the worm game? No, that's earthworm. That's earthworm. Earthbound is like a RPG. Yeah, it's basically like Pokemon That was a popular on in America until like you're what kind of Pokemon do you catch you don't catch any Pokemon Well, then how's it? It just looks like there is scapes. Let's just walk around you. Yeah. Yeah No, all those games have the same look. It's like you go around final fantasy Oh, what do you fight? What do you fight with? Because you're in a crew. You have a crew of your boys Nice, and you go around and then you run into like monsters and shit. Nice, and it's like the same kind of shit

It's too much like real life, you know Yeah, we just we just found that dog that got his head a file. Yeah, I'm just a regular Jewish guy I'm just a Jewish man. I don't think that's a very funny. I think it's a very good job. It's a good You got to get one of those acidic you have these are my camera on would wear You do look like an Auschwitz prisoner. Yeah, they are literally the boy with a striped pajamas. That's too much You can't have those either. It looks like what's the boy with the striped pajamas? It looks like he makes a friend through the fence He makes a friend so hole in the wall and this man sticks part of the

Yeah, it's a good boy be friends the yeah, just some guy that puts his dick through the hole Can you chain link fence? It looks like you were going to a Halloween party as Beetlejuice, but then you got a fight with your girlfriend Yeah, yeah, that's why it's like wash the makeup all literally my favorite shit in the world is like at 2 a.m Having sex with a man seeing couples getting into fights like in a couple in couples costumes. Oh, yeah Yeah, that is actually pretty funny like seeing a depressed guy like wearing a dress. Yeah doing those like gender switch Seeing Mrs. Potato Head take a piss behind a car. Yeah, that's a dispute as a power Yeah

Yeah, this fucking shit keeps fucking up keeps fucking up. Yeah. Um, yeah, the wires. These are you gotta buy these pants They are very comfortable. They are the unique low easy pants But they are named him after just pajamas boy pussy or more like uniquely gay I laugh at your shit for real bit when and when you don't do it all the time you get a punch you get the fist You punch them on the last one Premium episode. I do think we should start hitting on the previous should start hitting Patreon.com slash come town, please subscribe to premium to here. Can you hear the punch though? No, it isn't I think no, no, this is the regular. Oh, this is a regular. Oh, this is a premium. Yeah, I would bet you I would bet

This is not a premium episode. I want you to go erase that loss in story which and move it to a premium The one about him walking behind the mall. That's a premium episode Justin we've burned so many bridges on this show. No, no, I'm not talking about the bridge burning. I'm just talking about Jeff bridges I'm not talking about The two bridges neighborhood your family listens to this podcast bridges over the river quiet. No, they don't Bridget Nielsen's pussy bridge. You remember that episode where we were watching that movie? Yeah, that ruined that movie for me forever. I guess I never even considered that. Yeah, I love that movie. I love that movie Yeah, what movie bridge over the river quiet. I've never seen it. She's about a guy. There's not do work

Guinness is this British officer and is like platoon is Ordered to surrender to the Japanese So he's in a POW camp and he like followed the orders to surrender even though like he didn't want to and then he's in the camp and then They're the commandant trying to make the officers do labor and he's like Look at the fucking rules in the Geneva Convention or whatever. I don't have to do manual labor. I'm an officer He's like you can't make me do, you know, it's a war crime to make me do labor And so he won't like order the men to work and they won't work because you won't order them to work Right, and then so the Japanese guy like beats him and tortures him and he realizes he can't do it until eventually

He says like, okay, you won't have to work Order your men to work and then they do work and that's like this triumph at the moment, but like still the entire his entire platoon is like Yeah, they're doing slave labor whatever Whatever the organizational his triumph is that he doesn't have to be that he doesn't Work oh wait, so he's like supposed to be the hero in the movie They build the Japanese a bridge and then he's like we're going to build a proper British bridge And this is gonna be like great British engineering and then and then it gets blown up Spoiler which it should have gotten blown up. Yeah. Yeah, and we should have sabotaged it themselves place bets on

Yeah, how the bridge would blow up. That'd be a good way. Do you think anyways? We should bet on how soon it's gonna be FedEx that they do the thing I said earlier, okay? And where would you bet on that at bet the si.com everybody? Wow, Justin. Are you a gambler? No, you should be you should go to be a fact When you said no, I heard a hint of yes in there Wouldn't you sounds like you are a gambler and you've used bet the si.com haven't you Justin easy to use mobile every day Every day dude. Look, we have a guy on the podcast Nobody knows who he is turns out he uses bet DSI because it's that easy play bet win download their app

You have a good time. They offer live in-game wagering. Mm-hmm So you can change your bet. Let's say you bet two million dollars which we do every day Broncos are gonna win the Super Bowl That's right. And then it's it's fourth quarter Bronco fourth quarter Super Bowl, right? Yeah fourth down Whoa 180 yards to go They're in the parking lot 180 yards to go and it's and it's it's the cowboys in the fact the dog Broncos are even even in there Yeah, and you say I'm gonna change my bet you can change your mind and switch your two million dollars

with the same If I am to understand what that's right, it's not correct, but it doesn't matter Go to bet these high.com. Check it out. Use promo code CUM 25 capital C lowercase UM 25 to get 25 percent plus on your deposit plus 200 percent or two hundred dollar Extra dollars to bet on whatever you fucking like because it doesn't even have to be something you have to be sports Like that FedEx thing I said earlier. Yeah, I would bet if my if I ever stretch my dick hole out I stopped doing the dick hole exercises, but I gotta do it Shit got tight again. My shit's tight as fuck playing it. You got my little cock pussies tight

No, I don't have a foreskin. I'm gonna call my foreskin my dick. What are you guys picks? You gotta give me picks Okay, so I it's world cup right and I'm going I'm decided I'm putting all my weight behind Team Mexico because their team nickname is L tree and you know what that reminds me of Smoking weed smoking weed and I'm like I said Russia because it's all fixed Putin's gonna win. It's Putin's year So get those picks hot. Yeah, world cup and you know what it really makes watching sporting events way more fun It makes watching sporting events way more fun So once again go to bet the SI comm use promo code I'm capital C lowercase you have 25 and I'm sorry you get a free $25 way damn bitch

And then 200% extra bonus when you deposit you fucking that's come 25 get your free wager and start winning today today motherfuckers I'll tell you what else happened today. What's that? What happened I don't remember you got a burrito. I'll tell you what happened. I got a burrito. How was it? Yeah, was it good. Yeah, what kind of burrito did you get I got it's a California burrito They got fries got French fries in it. Oh Ever been to California. No, yeah, it sucks. Where's the where's the most exotic place you ever been the Bahamas? I went on a cruise with my family Dude, I fucking this one. It was a cruise fun. You fuck on the no

17 I don't know. I don't know how to go on big cruises. This fucking guy gave me a bracelet, right? And you know like you're like you're like American retard. Yeah, and I'm like, yo, it's a nice bracelet Then he asked me for a tip and I was like, I don't have any money. He just like ripped the bracelet off Have a beautiful bracelet for you. What kind of guy was it? Oh Bahamian, yeah, how do you say?

Yeah, Jamaican Whatever his voice sounded Jamaican Patwa. Yeah. Yeah a little bit of a patwa a little bit of a body boy It used to be a comic that he would do this joke about how he's like, yeah I use my path worry. You would always say use my patwa Like it wasn't an accent that some people just have but what is voice that you would affect? Yeah, huh? What you're talking about rude boy? It's like, we hear me now. We're going to start up my asshole and let them rude boys fuck it So the Bahamas, huh with the whole fam with the fam. Yeah, man nice dude

They're fucking too relaxed about like stingrays and shit Like you're like swimming and they're like there's a stingray under you and they're just like yeah I think it kill you and you're like what the fuck am I here? Yeah, yeah, but a lot of things could kill you That's true love good point. Did the stingrays if they don't they can't kill you. They killed Steve Irwin with like a freak accident Yeah, they only kill you if your dick is really really small like directly that's what happened to Steve Irwin Which is like never happened. He's also probably doing some dumb shit, too We're getting a little slippery here with a gorilla Anthony read it. Yeah, she's got she's got huge

I would love to serve us up to her. No, I'm not supposed to mention. Bindi Yeah, Bindi isn't his son like the crocodile hunter now, but it's it's Cindy Bindi's and now she's F. Does she have big tits for real though? Is she 18 and plus shooters? She's got big old hoos. She's 18. So his son is the crocodile hunter? No, his daughter. His son's crocodile Dundee Yep, his daughter's a hunter. She puts on the khaki shit now. Really his son does that shit, too. Really? Yeah Come on do some original shit. Yeah, dude. Who wants to get into the family of alligator hunters? You're with an ugly child. She was too. No, I mean she's kind of cute. Yeah, that's an ugly kid It's like a fucking ape. Why are you saying baby?

Yeah, that's not even from Google. Let's saved on his Yeah, because I believe in progress Let's see current Bindi the ugliest of children can grow up to I'm trying to smash these kind of thick if anyone knows I said what's up? Bindi's like I mean look at look at that. They got to do an episode where she gets fucking cat called by the crocodiles Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, just a crocodile word like fucking Just like a big linen suit Shit fedora

Yeah, I killed my own friend I came out for him I come on you how many gaiters I kill gator, please Come on over here. Give me some of that human pussy. I hate these gaiters Light-skinned alligator Hey little mama won't you come over here feed me. Oh, yeah, she's 19 Oh, yeah, I want to say I didn't say anything crazy. All I said was they got to get the crocodiles You know, yeah, I both said she had big tits that she was ugly as a child and I did that That African-American alligator I'll try to have a nice Sunday

You see be class Sign up for classes Always go back Dude, you got to like write a sketch Puerto Rican Derm she does okay, that's enough. So I'll give you can I give you a A character and then a location. You can't give me shit. You're at the character is you are a Librarian, and you are at the zoo I thought this was a library a lot Barry

In alphabetical order you have to do that with a friend look if any of you have the money and time to sign up for You see be if we could just flood you see be with people And it's usually be for whatever they don't understand why they're getting all these people signing up Man what this ain't even my motherfucking time machine I'm trying to have my time machine got to be a Cadillac, El Dorado Going through time and I can be the time right now. Look at there go Time machine with a rims Yeah, the big hand little hand like okay this one is Donald Trump being indicted for

By Mueller by Mueller for stealing the election go Man I steal That's me What you like my hand don't touch don't be touched You better not be touching my my dork is Yeah, and then you pay so much money for the classes that they can't kick you out They probably could kick you out for being that level of race as long as you didn't say anything like no That's just your

I'm just doing that's a voice. Okay. Let's try a different camera. There's a lot of There's a lot of overlap It's racist to assume. That's a black boy. Yeah. Yeah, that's why a white person that talks like that Could you think that's how Donald Trump? Yeah, I do you could be confusing Donald Trump with ice tea? Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's right first. You got to feel the election Yeah, Kahlu with the rough it rough you got it Oh shit, I think Put your phone away, Adam

Damn damn damn damn damn phone check so Justin did any any wild shit ever happened in your childhood and you're in your Fuck yeah, dude, that's right. Well, we got a burn down on black No, man, I mean we're in New Jersey. Are you from? Oh, sir. Will sir will look kind of more like cervixville Just like a suburban North Jersey Central central. Yeah, I don't understand cuz like North Jersey means right outside New York Central Jersey means 30 minutes outside of New York Yeah, South Jersey is just like north of Philadelphia. Yeah, yeah, you got all this extra New Jersey That goes like way south. What the fuck is this it Nick? Dude, I don't there's like a big argument on it right now on face

Look somebody somebody found an SD card on the train plug that shit in see what's on there Nothing why I've never happened to me go through people's files There's never a race I was like the only white kid in my high school for like I got kicked out of high school as a freshman I was like for being white. Yeah. No, no, and you believe I was there was a lot of white people in my first Listen to this folks. We have a young man here. There's been kicked out of his school Is that you had to go to school with black? First was Punishment who was punished for not being dark enough

They said get this light-skinned boy. Why'd you get that would you not fucking hugged a teacher? Joke I like fucking he kicked me out and he kept kicking me out and I went back and I was like Yo, let's just patch this up and he hugged and I hugged him as like a joke You know like pushed me to the ground and filed sexual harassment The worst part is the worst part is a fucking true story Yeah, he looks like the fucking penguin from Batman. That's like the worst part. There's like man Imagine being such a loser that you're around 14 and 15 year olds and then you'd like you're terrified of them Yeah, I was like also I wasn't like strong enough to like hold him back. I don't want to be a victim

Trains, yeah, I don't be a victim blamer, but I definitely couldn't have take that pussy, you know Alright, so he was a woodshop teacher I'm like this fucking wood Show me how to fucking work with wood, you know, I got to run as cocked in a scroll saw after that He fucking cut it off real quick. Dude. Just what would you picture a fucking woodshop teacher and like dickies you buy from Walmart? Sure, yeah, but I'm not sure you buy from Walmart. The shittier dickies that they have at Walmart. Yeah Yeah, what is that shit called? What? Yeah, they look at their work. They're called Chico's There's like a work wear thing that the brand Chico. No, dude. They actually do have a dickies has a shittier type of dickies

That they sell at Walmart called genuine dickies Interesting. I tell you know something's not genuine when they have genuine in front of the day Walmart Like the Walmart house brand was like starter for a couple years. I don't know starter became cool again But it's sort of it's kind of they fell off hard and we're just like you could buy starter shit at Walmart I have a good character. Yeah, okay guy who doesn't realize that starter is not hot anymore and it's still rocking it Yeah, yeah, that's good. I would love to and he's like shit, man Look at me like I was gonna do it Ava rex

Nietzsche I got my Nietzsche on those are my favorite kind of got my size old denim when they're like people they know what they just Yeah People wearing Ava rex anymore. I'm talking about like Still wearing like the fucking not Pelle Pelle sweatsuits or yeah, or like the fucking you got to like buy it at Forman Mills They like you like go into the the deepest section of a form in mills You could still find like jeans with the NBA logo. Oh, yeah Those are coming back Yeah, people were just like fans of the league

Mm-hmm like not even a team. I love the sport dude. That's where I'm wearing NBA shorts. Yeah I gotta get the patches. I do need the patches. You gotta sew some fucking patches on those shorts Well, once you fuck the way you get those is you get a patch for every player of every team that you fucked So once I start fucking more players, we started should we start a motorcycle who's fuckable on the net You should start on the next Jeremy Lin Dwight Howard got bought out. Yeah, he's not on the team. Yeah, dude. He was on the team for like a day Hey, wait, so just can we go back to them? Kick you out for hugging some some so you're 13. Oh

Yeah, what year are you a freshman in high 14 14 14 15? I think I was like 24 13 wait, and then they say you know a black school Well, it wasn't a black school necessarily. It was an alternative school. It was like a reform like For sexual harassment seriously for hugging. Yeah, yeah, they took it that's damn I Just to eat my teacher's pussies And I didn't get any punishments. No, you didn't yeah, dude. I don't believe that I didn't see any conviction Yeah, look at this guy Hell yeah

But we sucked our penis somebody pointed out it looks like his dick is completely hard, too Yeah, hell yeah, dude, I get stiff as fuck every said I do every open mic I'd come in my jeans. Oh wait breaking news. Chris. Jane has had some sort of public meltdown. Oh, no, who? Chris, Jen Because there he is your woman. I guess he's on the ground At some convention at Otacon security is too many games convention. I don't know what that is Oh, he's on the ground. This is Justin showing his picture of a guy having a hard ass

Who is that You're not gonna say his name, but Jesus fucking Christ He just showed up on my Facebook feed. Just a picture of a guy with a heart on it When you love comedy too much When that you should hit What's going on Nick, what are you playing? It's it's still Chris having a meltdown He's just lying on the floor refusing to me. Yeah, or it's they come on. They Yeah, they I forgot he's trans now. I'm naming all my kids. They I don't want to fuck up as well

And so I guess he's she I want to suck up man stick the guy who drinks come on camera. Yeah, well bottoms up Yeah, you should have drinking cum with That's not funny like people Posting this like oh, he's having a public meltdown. It's like yeah, this video should start in 2003 Yeah This is public meltdown has been happening when he was bullied into being a girl. Yeah. Yeah, that's tough Yeah, wasn't he just like a even a good-looking guy sort of at some point. Yeah, so in response. Why lmao? This isn't funny

Yes, it is Sorry, but it is it is funny. It's sad, but also good to hopefully see this kind of behavior from him and we know it won't But we can hope So why do you give a shit? We can't hope just stop pretending like you're not laughing at Like people that don't have the courage to like sit there and gawk at somebody that they enjoy the humility is very funny They'd be like, no, I care about him. Yeah You're laughing at BB every single person that fucking enjoyed 100 because he's retired because he's all Nick you were that guy. What was his name? Ed Jimenez? Who is that David from David Jimenez awesome?

Yeah, I was trying to do that. I didn't have your number the other day I was trying to text you because I was trying to tell somebody about like this guy and I couldn't like figure out his fucking name He pops up sometimes in like law and order episode It was like a cop in the background just like yeah, he's got like the fucking most intense I mean he looks like you think I got fucking shark eyes Yeah, dude, he's like if Nick was like eight times more retarded Do you think he's done anything Despicable to anyone no he's got like murder eyes everything about everything about him is bizarre

You don't think he's done anything I think he's done something weird because we do comedy and it like I always got the impression from him that he didn't know Why he was doing It just was always seemed like well, that's what you do you get you grow up you get a job You know Yeah, what were his bits like it was just like oh you're saying like he thought he got like hired as a comedian Just had to do it. Yeah, it's like he just like like he went to school for HVAC explains that he's doing comedy the same way He would explain why he's like went to the grocery store that

I had to go pick up groceries. Yeah. Yeah. I guess I had to just do an open mind Is he here in Austin? He was here. Uh-huh. That's how I knew him. He was here What were his jokes? Do you remember anything? No, he would like mumble through everything He would always talk about being like a background actor And how like he doesn't understand why he does comedy because background acting pays so much better Which comedy pays zero. Yeah. Yeah. You could be a bum that asks for money on the train. Yeah pays better than comedy Yeah, yeah, dude, but he would like sit at the fucking pit They would always do the pit mic and you know how they have like those fucking like

Uh, what do they call those like the stadium seating where you like? He would like always like set up the chair like slightly outside of the spotlight and he would just rent But it would look so crazy because he would never be in the spotlight And he would just sit in the darkness and rant Yeah 100 percent First time I ever saw him I saw him open like a kick blood coffee in Austin He goes on stage and he puts like a stool down and he's got he puts his notes on the stool Then he goes up. Uh

I saw a story about a high school basketball game where one team beat the other team a hundred and nothing and uh They fired the coach of the team that uh won because he wouldn't apologize to the coach had lost and I mean, I'll just say I think they should have fired the coach had lost And he goes he goes, uh, let's see what we got here and just goes back to his notes

And that was like the joke and I thought it was like Yeah, and that guy I was like being ironic. Yeah, I thought it was like a joke. I'm like, oh, this guy's pretty cool Yeah, that's a pretty good bit. But then that guy was like, I need to move talk to him. Yeah, right And it's just all that, you know, he's like, I remember one time he's like doing anything He's like, I saw this bus go by he like describes a party bus And then he's like, and I thought, damn, I'd like to be on in there. Well, I'd want to know the buses I get on like that Yeah Oh, he sounds like

He sounds like a weird stool. When I used to get picked on for being gay in school, even though I'm not Later find out that the bully dies in a car crash and I'm ecstatic It's fucking right Was it very uh, it was very popular in school That was the chance I was like, you keep waiting for him to say he just thinks jokes are just set up. He's just got a laugh This is the funniest person in Austin Contest. He actually beat Nick this year At some point I'm gonna need a quote

That's in a lot of determination May even invest in a hovercraft He just did that bit and then walked to the left until he was not visible The joke if you didn't hear it was I was thinking about going to Dubai, but I'll probably need a boat at some point And a whole lot of determination I'll probably just invest in a hovercraft and then written down Hovercraft impersonation Walk off state

That's fucking psych. Yeah. No, he's uh, that's really that he's completely unhits. Should we keep watching? Yeah. Yeah, of course Yeah, yeah Keep going. I mean, I'm not in charge. I don't I'm into it. No, stop doesn't want to watch We stop at something else. He wants to talk about Hold on He's doing a bit about how Patrick Swayze can't leave his shirt on isn't there that other guy who like always takes his shirt off Like he couldn't do like a more fucking Karen actor. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Patrick Swayze in 2015 He was already dead. I believe he was dead. Yeah, I'm not Patrick Swayze. Swayze's dead, right?

A lot of people think he died from cancer But actually is a cold Oh No, that's the end I'm gonna be making a pot He's gonna come back as a ghost The best part is when he walks out of frame One year at the funniest person in Austin Contest He ran out of material about three minutes into his set and he's like, uh, we're uh, hmm

Where was I there's 300 people How'd he get into the contest runs that you just pay 25 dollars ran out of material and he goes, uh, uh, he goes, um, it's been, um said That and people already know he's stalled Already kind of laughing and he's like getting this confidence. He's like it's um been said that, uh Reagan liked dirty jokes and

You know and then people are already like laughing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so one day there was a secret service I came one went to his office and he says, uh Sir, did you heard of one about the elephant and the pig And he says no, it was, um, you know, would not talk to me Sounds like a meta joke Somebody's telling a joke. He's doing a street joke. Can't even think of a street joke Because there's uh, you know, well, there's uh, uh, it's an elephant and he's uh, fucking this pig and the elephant's like, oh, yeah

You know, he's fucking the pig from behind the pig's like, oh, yeah, and the elephant's like, yeah, and then Uh, you hear uh, stop that You know, and then the pig's like, oh, I keep going and the elephant's like, yeah, yeah, yeah And then you hear stop that and it's like, well, are you saying that? I'm You know, it doesn't know where and then out from the shadows steps a panda and the panda Looks at the pig and the elephant goes why

And then he says the panda says because that's my wife And then like standing ovation Like people just you can hear the video got taken down, but people were clapping for like I actually used to have a shirt with david amenez's face on it. I printed out like one of his Like facebook And it's it up from the shadow And people are like, is that a band and I'll be like, yeah, it's a band I love that joke because it's like who is speaking. Is it the secret service agent is saying these things too ragan?

And then the ragan is saying ragan's ragan's being told a dirty joke Either to or by a secret service agent I feel bad because now I didn't realize how many people are going to go watch this thing. Yeah. Oh, for sure. Yeah I mean, you know, whatever. Oh, he was on america's got talent. Oh, was he? holy shit I do think I have it here for comedy. I'm a funny guy. I can make people laugh. Let's talk about jazz for a minute. Oh, yeah Oh, they're giving them the crickets Does he even get on stage? Howard stern a guy who has midgets fuck each other on this tv show just shook his head

Did he immediately get axed he got axed immediately But he also certain one on that we're having a contest. See who's the ugliest woman Harvey Weinstein wouldn't fuck He doesn't think the worst part is he uh He put that clip up. Oh really? Yeah. He's an insane person. It's a credit He has these videos. He's like sketch videos that he made that are just absolute nonsense just like no Like Yo, he has an acting reel. Is it just an extra? Yeah, I mean

Oh, yeah, he's an acting reel of extra Just him standing in different places Dude this guy can fucking stand anywhere in different costumes. Yeah, he's like he's he's completely schizophrenic. Yeah It's like the ramblings of it just a guy it sitting at mcdonald's because he has no place else to go Because he lives here. He lives here. He lives here. I remember I went into an open like one time And I just saw him standing there and I like freaked out and I had to run outside and call Jake I was like, you're never gonna guess who I just fucking saw He showed up to a taping of comedy knockout. Whoa when I was there

I was like they sometimes the writers have to like hang out on On stage, I guess to like pitch out shit I guess in between rounds and I look up and David's sitting there in the fucking audience I'm like, holy shit. Holy shit. Everyone's like, what's going on? I was like, there's this guy He's crazy like do we need to remove him? I'm like, no No, no, no, just let me play all of his videos. You're also like I don't know That would happen to you. What?

You would know this guy David Kimenez. He would be like a lunatic and then he would just show up everywhere you are for the rest of your life It's like it's like god is just giving you people to bully Yeah, I guess it is like that that way I should that for that reason I shouldn't feel bad about the things I do Yeah, it's the Lord. It's divine intervention. You should feel bad. You should definitely take it out on yourself You're not wrong You're certainly not wrong Well, you know, what you know, let's let's go back to the Justin. Well, you know what I mean Yeah, but we do one more David Kimenez video because there's a tensic and video named shades and the

The thumbnail of the video is just him wearing sunglasses. So I gotta see if there's a what what's going on in this video So he took off his shades and there were swimming pool goggles on underneath Oh, that was the fan. That actually is pretty funny, but I don't get it. You have to it's nice. You have to wear shades Because it's exactly what you wanted it to be Yeah, the words make no sense The sight gag that's kind of funny, you know He put the sunglasses on It's nice day to say I have sunglasses on because it's exactly what you

Yeah That makes sense. I think you wanted it to be a nice day out to wear your sunglasses Your son goggles. Yeah, that's fucking goggles though Swimmers, you know, yeah No, I had is when I grew the house I grew up and had a swimming pool in the back. Yo, really big swimmer Really big swimmer. Did you love the ocean? Is it like a lap swim thing? It's just like a regular pool. It's just a regular pool indoor in ground pool. Oh in ground in my grandparents house No, you can't swim and that I mean you just sit in those. No, no, I mean even in ground. They're not like

It's like you can't do an olympic lap It's not an olympic swimming pool, but it's like it's like the same shape. It's like rectangular It's got a low end and a deep end. Oh Yeah, there's a there's a there's an end that you fucking jump into Um, interesting. Okay. So I uh, was there any when you search when you search David Jimenez actor Harvey Weinstein's picture comes up He raped it. That's a good point. Maybe I feel like some funny Jersey trashy shit must have happened in that pool

Or was that before? Why do you keep trying to get stories about him being molested? Did you fuck up froggy style in that pool? I don't think I've ever fucked. I've had sex in the pool, but never a froggy style. Who hasn't fucked in a pool though I haven't I've you haven't you know and really use and then I was you probably float to the top. That's why Stop dressing fucking they both just float. She just uses my my body as a floaty device We're complaining about that fat girl trying to get you to come over and that like I got a pool. Who's coming? Who's that story? He's outside of

Yeah I'm sorry. Tell the story about it. It's her name too. I don't remember but there was a woman who kept trying to get everyone to come over To her pool just a fat girl that wanted everyone to come over the pool And then when it became clear in Brooklyn No, it was in Baltimore on Baltimore and then when it became clear like none of her room was like Yeah, yeah, and then when like all of her hot friends bailed everyone was like No, we can't

Damn I forgot about that I would love to hit a pool reading through his tweets now. Yeah, dude pools are fucking sick Yeah, dude. I'm sorry. I got nick. I got nick started on this David Jimenez How about after this we all go down to the new york city departments of parks and recreation? We all get ourselves a nice little pool pass for the rest of the year. It's open, right? They are open Yeah, it's $200 for the year you get access to every pool in New York Still has the same pool. Yeah Yeah, I'm not gonna fucking New Jersey. Let's just go to Six Flags great adventure. How far is it?

45 minutes Not six flags Six it's closer than six flags Six Flags great adventure 45 minutes by bus leaving directly from Penn Station. I'm not doing that Dude, if you guys are maybe six facts It'd be nice Got us We are it's us twice

Dude, no you specifically your first one if I was fags, I'd be like 13 of them Six Nick is actually just 13 fags and a rainbow goddamn stack of fags I'm sorry, Michael. What character is this? It's a black guy who's made out of faggots You're supposed to be a bank teller So I don't know if we need we don't need anything more than just a regular bank teller play it straight go Man, I work no damn bank I'm a black man made out of fags

Now put me on the mod team Put my multiple faggot ass on the mod team for I bust a faggot Just drag him out like look he does this, but he's the only person here who hasn't raped anybody It's not put him on the mod team Damn, let's join UCB guys. That's what we should do with the money. Yeah infiltrate infiltrate, dude I'm getting I want to take class. I'm trying to get into being sneaky this year. Oh, yeah What are some of your sneaky goals? I'm hiding things in people's assholes while they're asleep I just sort of like make a little like plastic bullet-shaped things that you can twist open

You put little messages in there and so I would wake up and find something I don't feel well and then you would shit out something that looked like a magic marker and it would be like dear stavros You're beautiful one day. You're gonna have it all Dude, why wouldn't he feel well though? Wouldn't my ass just kind of hurt? You'd be physically sick from me shoving something up your ass. You would get full poisoning and reverse Make sure that your psyche gives you a psychosomatic response. You know, you've been violated Even even if you've been GHB'd out. That's sneaky. Yeah, it is very sneaky. You guys want to get into doing

The date rape drugs recreationally. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, I didn't know you could do that. Yeah people. You could do You guys listen to intelligent dance music and take some fucking G, dude You guys do it because uh, you don't get the calories of alcohol So if you just take it without drinking also, if you get raped, who cares? I agree. It's just having a good time This is a couple of boys on fire. Oh, yeah, I went out and I got violently raped behind the alley. Who gives a shit? You know, dude, we should make retarded music. We should set David Heman as his comedy to dance music Retarded dance music is pretty funny

We're in the wrong place. Yeah. I'll see what this part is. It's just giving Nick something that you wouldn't say to say it. But yeah, how can I bait Nick into saying what I wouldn't say to him? I give a shit. I'll say anything. It'd be a dull version of like making that one kid eat things and that too. Al Sharpton looks like Earthworm Jim without his suit. I know. It's crazy. He's so thin. He looks terrible. He looks like an anorexic seven-year-old because he used to be fat like four years ago. He was full when he was fat. Yeah, he had like a perm. Yeah, he was crooked.

Is that video him fighting on the Boy Down in Junior show? No, I haven't seen that. You know, old white guys still don't know that black people also hate Al Sharpton. Yeah. Yeah, they like don't know that. I thought they all loved Al Sharpton. Every single one of them. No, everybody hates Al Sharpton. I like Al Sharpton. I like him too. Al Sharpton is actually a pretty nice guy, a swell guy that's on a lot for his community. I think it's cool that he rhymes. He makes things rhyme. He was the only one right about Tawanna Brawley. But what would he sound like in an improv place? No, he made his career off of it. Yeah. Who's Tawanna Brawley? Who's Tawanna Brawley?

She said she got raped by like the DA and then like Sheriff's Office. She's like cut her all her clothes off and hidden a dumpster and said I got raped and thrown in this dumpster. And they're like, who raped you? And she was like, the mayor. The president. John L.A. This goes all the way to the top. And he would fuck. And he was like, no. Dude, they didn't John L.A. didn't he like fuck Cartman's mom in like the first season of South Park? Yeah, he was he was he was rumored to possibly be Cartman's father.

Soccer pride versus political drama. That's the headline. Coming up next, we've got a video of a dog with its head stuck in a man's ass. Now that's a video you could sell. Coming up next, we've got a video of a toucan with its nose stuck in a man's ass. Yes, meet the man who shoves exotic birds faces into his asshole. His name is Brian. He's 42 years old and he doesn't have a job. Yeah, I don't know, man. It's just something about those birds.

It just feels so good, man. I don't know what to tell you mother fuckers. Brian, we should graduate of the UCB Improv School of Duck Ducks in Newport. Brian is a white American, but he talks like this after being ejected from the Improv classes. Surprisingly, not for the voices. They said I could put a bird in my damn ass. I shot that damn bird in my fucking ass. Yes.

Video paid for by Fox 5 News. Fox 5. I'm trying to fuck a local newscaster. That seems like some good pussy. That good local newscaster. Oh yeah, keep going, fuck my ass. Continue to fuck me, I'm almost there. A little bit harder, not that hard, close enough.

I don't know if you're capable of it, please choke me instead. Yes, I would love that shit, dude. Get some of that pancake makeup all over my dick and nuts. A local woman is passing off period blood as feces. Passing it all. Dude, he's falling. Dude, she didn't see that. She's a huck student.

I swear to God, that's just shit. When you promised men that you had a hysterectomy so that they'll blast inside of you. But you're 42 unmarried and childless. You're trying to get them to blast inside of you. Yeah, right there, that lady, come on. I love being blasted inside. How about you, I do too. I love getting blasted.

You know, it's crazy, the first time I got blasted inside, it felt bad. Because I was being raped. I'm sorry, I'm just trying to match your lips. Do people fucking watch the news? What? Do people watch old people do? That is the most flanigan sentence. Do people fucking watch the news?

Who fucking, who's like watching this? Who's watching the news? That's probably the only reason broadcast television still exists is because people watch local news. What are my favorite stories about Justin? I bet you the ratings aren't that good. About me? About you, via Nick, is that there was a female comedian on stage at an open mic. And he just turned to Nick, he said,

What, she's just gonna move here to have opinions? Wait, was she talking about New York, probably? No, she was talking about men. It was 2013. She's powerful now, so she could probably destroy you. She's a pretty powerful comedian though. She ended up doing well for herself with those opinions. I hate when people, I used to hate when people had opinions.

They used to just bother me, you know? Who cares about your fucking, it's just like such a, but at the very core, isn't having opinion like very entitled of somebody? Just have a fucking opinion. I'm with you, bro. Fucking knowing shit. I don't want to have your opinion. Open mic.

Isn't this an opinion? See, are you crazy fucking stories? This is an opinion, this is an objective fact. What? That having an opinion, it makes you... Oh, checking. Why you gotta fucking ruin everything? I just walked out.

Also, again, another opinion. What? That I ruin everything. He said, why do you have to? Yeah, that was a question. But embedded in there was an opinion. No, it's a question. Oh, man, I was going on this strong rant about opinions,

and you had to come in and let me know that it was a fucking opinion. Strong rant, also an opinion. That's why you're making a subjective judgment about the rant itself. You could have just said I was going on a rant about opinions. You had to throw a wrench in there. Instead you said strong rant. In fact, I think you're full of opinions. You know what they say?

Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has multiple. Planting is got hundreds of opinions. Opinions are a lot like assholes. If you listen to the beginning of my rant, though, I did say I used to think having opinions was wrong. Now you have opinions. No, no.

Well, now I just don't care about what people say anymore. Opinions are like assholes. You can have them turned into a vagina, so you can use the women's bathroom at Target. Yep. I don't think that's what they do. I don't think that people eat their ass. There are many different types of SRF.

Dude, I got to give them credit. It does seem easier to turn an ass into a pussy than a dick. You're right. We do have to give credit. That is smart. That is smart. Yeah. And then you tend to dick into an asshole.

Dude, they could be a good contractor. You know, he's fine like the easier way to do the job. You got a good surgeon. Yeah. Dude, bring the back going over here. Everyone check out my drywall pussy. It's actually a very simple procedure to switch the anal tract and the urethra. Yeah.

You can cut out pieces of the colon and then just sew the remaining parts. Yeah. You just shorten the rectum and then you make a vagina out of what was inside the asshole. Nice. Honestly, you go to Home Depot, it's like probably under 100 bucks. Hey, you need a van? Yeah, probably. We could rent one for the surgery.

We could have some day labors. Yeah. Hang it out. We just wanted to watch. Yeah, yeah. Scarlett. We just wanted to watch. We read a day labor event perform as a nurse.

Yeah. An illegal ass to put in surgery. We want to see if they can keep quiet. Very experimental. Yeah. I think you did a better job. Thanks to you, Carlos. Here's $12.

Hey. 12 dollars. You've done six excellent hours. Go get yourself something nice, a nice treat down at the 7-Eleven. Maybe you're slurpy or something for you and your friends. You and your little tent city friends. Oh man. Well, well boys, I'm really looking forward to having all this food that Max has. I'm really looking forward to blowing my nose and, you know, falling asleep. Yeah.

Are you going to come to the party? I guess I'm already here. Nice. 7 o'clock. Oh yeah. We've been podcasting for six hours. A dox ex-muse that Max told her that you're not allowed to invite anyone, so. Okay.

And he was too much of a coward to tell you that. Well, I'm inviting people. I don't give a fuck. All right. Who are you going to invite? Eldis. A bunch of big old boys. Big old boys.

They don't want you. They only said that because they don't want you inviting your fat friends. Yeah. I love eating snacks. Do you have fat friends? Yeah. One of my best friends is Elvis. Elvis.

A guy I grew up with. He grew up with. My roommate and we live together now. Oh, really? He's very fat. Yeah. He's a fat. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Dude, what do you guys just do together? That's like a fucking classic team right there. Four. You're a four. And was that during the Elvis stage? Were you guys both fat at four? The Rockabilly stage?

Did you just look at each other and be like, this is the rockabilly stage? Or be like, this is going to work? We weren't that fat, but we were big. We were big as shit. But yeah, we've been fat. We've been co-dependent fat boys our whole lives. Yeah. That's pretty cool.

It's fun. Yeah. It's like a movie. You guys should marry sisters. You ever talk about that? Yeah, maybe. Yeah, you should marry Adam and his sister. Yeah.

You guys should take a photo of each other wearing diapers. Yeah. Picture like you and another. Does he look like you? No. No. He's tall. We've described him on the podcast as the red and yellow Eminem.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, even the shapes too, like he's the kind of fat like he's got like oblong and pear shapes. Oh, he's got a woman's ass. That's a fucking crazy story to have. Well, it's not a crazy story. Go ahead. My mom made me, I have a twin sister. My mom made us like Halloween costumes.

Because it was funny when you were on stage and you were like, I guess I'm a feminist because I got a twin sister and everybody laughed. You know what I'm saying? It was because people put together some poor girl that's a lot like me. Yeah, yeah. I usually do I usually do do a line acknowledging that, but yeah, no, it's a smart. We have a smart audience. Yeah.

A lot of people listen to the show are very smart, very intellectual individuals. Yeah. Lawyers, lawyers, doctors, surgeons, doctors, lawyers, they were going to be like fucking all right. Finance. For some reason. Maths and magicians. I just think everybody on the Internet is like an all right maniac.

Yeah. Yeah. No, most people aren't anything in real life and then they get online and they put that stupid avatar next to their name and they they become these opinion people that you hate. So anyway, my mom made us these M&M costumes and she made me the fucking green M&M. The sexy woman. The sexy M&M. There's a picture of me as a sexy.

Wait. Hold on. The brown one is sexy. No. No. The brown ones that bitch knows how to read. Yeah. Yeah.

The green one is the one that sucks good. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. Remember the brown ones like I'm not naked. She's fucked up. She's a fucking prude. Maybe the green one has glasses.

I can't remember. The green one. No. The green one doesn't read. She's too busy sucking dick. So true. That's the type of reading. That's true.

Is there a there's a deviant art category for the green M&M. For sure. Of course. I'm sure. There's probably hentai for the green M&M. Just the pussy extend all the way up the M&M. Yeah. This is a green circle.

The big pussy on it. Dude, how is this not fucking provocative? Oh, I'm hard. Let me see. She's unzipping her. Is that you and your costume? Yeah. That's a little boy.

Dude, it's a picture of the M&M taking off her candy shell. That makes me horny. I want to fuck a candy. If you fucking draw this. If you want to fuck one candy, what candy would you fuck? Oh, definitely a Reese's fast break. Yeah. He would fuck me.

It's not a candy. It's a mascot. Pink starburst because it looks like inside of a pussy. Here we go. Chew it up a little bit. What is the M&M? Is she and then the red one says no, idiot. That's her shell.

Trust me. And then the brown M&M is going, what is that green slot doing implying that the green one is nude here? Oh, she's got a fat ass. She does have a fat ass. Why did they? She does have a donk actually. Why did they?

Can you see her pussy? Yeah. But, you know, why did they like draw like beads of sweat coming off the chocolate? Like, we didn't know she was naked without the beads of sweat. Yeah. You can't really tell what's going on with your pussy here. Here's a subway sandwich bonded and ready to be raped. Sandwich for a subway.

Dude, what is going on with DV? Oh, I thought this was just fucking Google images. No, did we already do that bit about the fucking sun? Yeah. Oh, let me see that one. Oh, hell yeah. Is she drunk? Hold on.

Wait, why does she have white legs? Why did they fucking white watch the female Eminem? She's wearing boots. That's pretty good. Yo, hold on. Let me, let me read that caption again. Well, I'm reading the caption now. It's on a website that says, tie penis whitening fad drives social media nuts.

I don't know if that's the related image for that. Well, it's part of a video. Describe the image to our viewers, to our listeners that can't see it. It's the green Eminem with her legs up and she's getting drunk off chocolate milk. And you can see her pussy and asshole. And her pussy has an additional M on it. Oh, does it? Let me see that.

See, that's just one on the stomach. That's quite the fucking pubic hair. Another M on the pussy. Nice. Gotta let you know it's an Eminem pussy. It's a green fleshlight tucked underneath the bed. I've seen that one. That's good.

Dude, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna Google image search Eminem's sexy. Yeah, that's good shit. Damn, my dick is hard. We really have been podcasting. Dude, why is, I just fucking Googled Eminem's sexy and like got like five pictures of Rod Stewart. Is Rod Stewart like fuck Eminems? I think so. It's a pretty well tread.

I got something nice and well tread for you. What's that? Your ass? Your daddy's butthole. Okay gang, listen, I'm just gonna plug my dates now. We'll probably keep Googling Eminems for a while, but I am tomorrow. If you listen to this, I'm in Seattle, it laughs. So come out to that.

We should be almost selling out hopefully. And then I'm in Portland on the third, July 3rd. Oh, sure. I do that as a bit. I've been doing that as a bit for like seven years. It's a pretzel raping. It's the orange Eminem being raped by a pretzel. Oh yeah, I remember that.

Maybe someone heard your bitten. Somebody stole my fucking bit. Well, that's, it's in the Cummins, right? I'm pissed. Creative Cummins? The creative. God damn it, this fucking piece of shit fucking keeps cutting the fuck out. I keep going, we need a new fucking wire, dude.

Yeah. Suck in my dick because I'm gay. Never having sex. Oh shit. What is that? It's a red Eminem coming. Coming chocolate into the green Eminem and the yellow Eminem is waiting to drink it. Hell yes.

Well. That's pretty good. That's pretty good shit, man. That one's good. Yeah, so guys, just go ahead and Google that. Justin, would you like to plug yourself? No, I don't think I have anything right now. Just your social media, anything?

Oh, Justin, I don't even know my fucking Twitter handle. Justin Flanman with a dash, an underscore between Flan and man on Twitter. Yeah, hit up the Flanman. Also on Instagram, I'm Ayo, I fucks with them gummy bears. So find Ayo, I fucks with them gummy bears. Yeah, I think we'll probably just keep Googling these for a while. Yeah, this is a good thing to look for. I'm definitely not into it sexually.

I just want to look at DeviantArt for hours. For bits. Yeah, for bits. For fucking bits. Eminem pornography. Is Brony still a thing or is they all give out, like, graduate to something? After that documentary, I think. Yeah, they're all racist now.

All the alt-right people. They're all so brownies. That's pretty interesting. What? Alt-right people used to be brownies or some shit, apparently. Damn, I just want to eat. I'm tired of it. Okay, so in the podcast, you're the producer.

That's true. You're in charge of the choo-choo train these days, Stavros. That's right. Well, gang, all pressures off for me, I am now second chair on the podcast. That's right. It's the Stavros. Wait, why is Nick not the producer anymore? Because I'm done with this shit.

I'm producing. I'm coming up with caboose every time. Yeah, okay. I like how unsuccessful Nick wants to be. Yeah, it's true. Is that Jesus? Success is like a burden to Nick. It is.

He's raping Rabbit. No, shut up. So this is Rabbit. It's like I'm making money for basically nothing. Fuck this shit. Rabbit from Winnie the Pooh and Tigger fucking, but Tigger is Jesus. Christ. Yeah, that's pretty good.

Yeah. And he's writing Rabbit's cock like a rodeo. Where are you finding all these images? Google. His fucking, this is, oh, this is just my camera roll. There's this YouTube channel I found. It was this autistic guy that was into dragons and like, but also he's autistic. So like fire alarms and antique elevator equipment.

And so like, you would have nine videos of like old fire alarm systems that he was going through. And there would be one video like, this is my dildo collection. He's like, oh, this one's a dog. This one's a dragon. And it's like a dragon. Oh, hold on. It's a dragon.

Different kind of dildos. He's got a dragon tip and he's holding it up to the camera. And first of all, his nails are disgusting. They've never been cut. They're covered in dirt. And asshole. Yeah. And then the dildo has shit.

No. Because he's been shoving this dragon dildo. This one's pretty good. And the next video is like, this is a fucking cab. Watch it. Yeah. This is a T 16 alarm system. Next like, yeah, there's fucking shit on his dildo.

Of course I can't watch it. The next season. I need to know how dark people get. Yeah. Very dark. There was this guy found whose fetish was like wearing diapers and being his profile was like Jetstar 94 or something. But I did this fucking dolphin.

I went looking for him again. I couldn't find him. But his thing was, you know, I had videos of him like he's like, okay, I'm filling my diaper. And then he would sit there. Shut up. He's like, I'm filling my diaper now and he would stand there and just piss and shit himself in the diaper.

And then his whole thing is like, I really want to cast. He really wanted to like get a doctor to put one of his arms in a cast because he's like like the idea of being closed. Of course no doctor is going to do that. Yeah. You can make your own cast. In one video he has a cast because he went out and broke one of his fucking arms. Jesus Christ.

Who fucking buys a wolf? Hold on. Hold on. It shaped like a wolf's dick. Hold on. I'll give you an answer to that. Yes. The first one I already explained to.

Yeah. I was just Googling images. I'm just a fire alarm guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then yeah. And then in one of the videos he's got the cast on in the background. You can see his wall and there's just madman scrawlings all over him. Oh no.

He's like a sane person just shitting and pissing himself and breaking his arms and legs. But then he has the impulse to be like I'm going to put this on YouTube. Yeah, Nick, Nick. He's still like oh yeah I'm going to connect with you. I just found a pig shaped penis dildo sex toy. But then also there's a diagram of like what the pigs fucking body parts next to the. Nose and mouth and feet at the bottom.

Yeah. In case you've ever been like eating like a Jamaican stew and thought I want to fuck this. Well gang, thank you for listening. That's the episode. Now how do you get this off your fucking search history? Nah dude, that's there forever. I'm always in cognitive mode.

So please send us any dildos. Why would that do? Send those to Justin Flanigan. Flanman. The government can still see it. And if you have any sweet ass pics of the green M&M with their titties and pussy out, please send those to cometownaticloud.com. Thank you.

That is our show. Fucking a dick. You know it's not my personal email. It's a show email. Yeah. Okay. That's what I said. So when it's filled with shit and I don't see like the offer.

Okay. Don't send it to that one. Send it to Adam Friedland82atgmail.com. I use it for like customer service issues. People have like a fucking problem. Okay. Don't send it there. Yeah.

Anyway, I hope this mic cutting out the whole time wasn't too annoying. But like I said, it's quantity over quality before and we gave you plenty of quantities. So thanks a lot. Bye guys.