The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 11 – David Cross

Episode Date: July 19, 2016

This is the David Cross episode. David Cross was the guest. Yes for real. No it’s not a character. The real David Cross came on the show. We really broke comedy down with him, pro style. Solid interview. And its a day early because last weeks episode was

🎵 Hello everybody! Welcome to Comptown. 11? 11, you're right. That's the first one I got right. Yeah, 9-11. 9-11, We skipped right from... Do we have an episode 10?

Can we not have one? Can we go straight from 9 to 11? Well, we already did. We did episode 10. Well, the last one was in that episode 11 then. Now is... You know what I mean? All right, then this one's episode 12.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like in buildings where they skip... The 13th floor. The 13th floor because... I don't know. It's like a... Superstition. Yeah, superstition. They're worried about ghosts. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's actually a movie called Nightmare on the 13th Floor. And sometimes I ask people, and I've seen it a bunch, and I say to people, have you seen Nightmare on the 13th Floor? And they go, oh, The 13th Floor? I'm like, no. It's a different movie. I wouldn't have said Nightmare on the 13th Floor if I meant... Have you seen Nightmare Before Christmas?

Oh, yeah, Nightmare on Elm Street. No, that's a completely different thing. People are so dumb. He took those assholes down. I've been lifting weights, and I'm ready to just fucking be a sarcastic. I like when you get... If you get strong enough, you think you're funny because you're just a dismissive. Right, right, right.

Oh, yeah. No, that's real funny, dude. Psych. They psych people. Psych is the best, though. 45. Well, I mean, I feel like we're really bearing the lead here, Nick. No, we're not.

We're back in Manhattan at the top of the Empire State Building. Oh, yeah. We're at the top of the Anthony Cumia Studios. The Snake Pit. Puerto Rican R rattlesnake. Some asshole on Twitter tried to say that Luis J. Gomez is the original Puerto Rican. Yeah, I don't like that he stole that from us. First of all, he's not even Puerto Rican, Luis J. Gomez.

He's half. He's not even, I think he's just an insane clown posse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's an insane clown. I think that, like, listen, Joe Cleft is very serious in comedy, and, like, we're not, like, going to be Joe Rogans about it and, like, call you out.

I am, dude. That's why I'm going to the gym. That's why I'm getting strong. I'm doing MMA to confront joke theft. To confront Louis about stealing the Puerto Rican rattlesnake nickname from us. Yeah, me and Louis are going to have a fucking four-and-a-half-second fight, and then we both run out of breath because either of us are actually in shape.

I like how people look at Lewis and they're like, God, that in the comedy community. And they're like, yeah, Lewis is in like good shape, but in any other community, he looks like shit.

Yeah. That's how every comedian, everyone who's hot for a comedian is just like not ugly. Like that's it. For sure. We got really low, smart. Like people think I'm smart.

Yeah. I haven't read a book in fucking five years. Yeah. Like that's it For sure We got really low Smart Like people think I'm smart Yeah people think comedians are smart I'm dumb as shit And they're not I haven't read a book in fucking five years Yeah Not even Harry Potter Have you read those before? No I read those before Five

Legit You read them six years ago Six years Yeah He found out Dumbledore was gay And he's like this is about me What the fuck Yeah dude

Dude Are you gonna be like this We talked about this off mic And I don't wanna Yeah we gotta stop with the gay you going to be like this? We talked about this off mic, and I don't want to... Yeah, we've got to stop with the gay. Because I am secretly gay. What? Can you edit that out?

Yeah, we'll edit that out. So there's no... What was that last time? There's no real burying the lead here, because it's going to be in the description of the episode. Yeah, but we should... So people know... Yeah, we should say it. Well, no, you should still break it down.

Well, I've got to call them in eight minutes. Well, let's just say it. You you should still break it down Well I gotta call him in 8 minutes Well let's just say it Some people won't understand Some people can't read That's true People who can't read Probably our Definitely in our top 3 guests

Well Dr. Evil is the best guest Dr. Evil is probably the biggest guest we've had This is the second biggest Second've ever had. Dr. Evil is probably the biggest guest we've had. That was a big one. This is the second biggest. Second biggest guest. Second biggest guest. We have David Cross. The real David Cross. It's not a character.

This isn't actually a bit yet. Yeah, it's not. We actually, David Cross. We told Seth he could come on and do his famous David Cross. How funny would it be if we set it up like, we're like, guys, seriously, David Cross is going to be on the show. I promise you it's David Cross. And then we do a two and a half hour episode. And it's like, oh, okay, now it's time to call him.

And then it's, hello, everybody. Just kidding. Yeah. That would be great. But see, because I said that, that's how you know that it's not the joke. Right, right, right. It's really him. Yeah, we're excited.

Yeah. Well, see, now we already mentioned that. So what are we going to talk about for the next five and a half minutes? Okay, so Anthony Cumia Studios, they don't really have the perfect setup or technology for... Well, I have to explain that to David when we call him. Okay. Unfortunately... We did come up with a really smart plan well yeah i only have there's only one you can only plug one set of headphones into the four track so i'll be the only one that can actually hear him um but he'll be you know i

call him on the phone you guys the audience will be able to hear him but adam and stavros won't i guess we could uh yeah i mean the the head the earbuds won't even stretch across the table right right we can't split i'm gonna have to we're gonna have to figure out a way to you know do it but guys that's like you know remember in apollo 13 when they get stuck on the moon and they're like how do we or they don't get i've never seen it they get stuck they're in space they go they're they're trying to get to the moon and they you know something happens something a bunch of alarms go off and uh you know no spoilers houston i we have houston i have a problem uh-huh that line is actually from apollo 13 and it's well what happens is they are they're in space and they have a problem. That line is actually from Apollo 13. Whoa.

Well, what happens is they're in space and they have a problem and they have to get back. And so back at Houston, they're like, we don't take, there's no, you don't say no or quit for an answer. We don't. And they use, you know, they come together and they get a bunch of stuff out of the supply closet. No, I'm serious. That's a scene in the movie. I've never seen this fucking movie. They get a bunch of stuff out of the supply closet.

It's in a spaceship history. It's not like... All right. Yeah, and that's how they save Apollo 13 is with a bunch of odds and ends. So that's what we're doing. David Cross is the moon. This podcast is Apollo 13. Right.

I'm Tom Hanks. No, I'm Tom Hanks No I'm Tom Hanks I said it Fuck Who's the sexy Who's the other one Ed Harris No I'm Tom Hanks

Fuck I'm probably Ed Harris Yeah it's It's Tom Hanks Gary Sinise Ed Harris I'm the city of Houston Yeah that's cool Yeah

The whole place I'm Was it Quantrell X Who's the big Houston guy The big His nation of Islam I don't know I don't know shit I'm that guy He's in the movie place. Was it Quantrell X? Who's the big Houston guy? His Nation of Islam. I don't know. I'm that guy. He's in the movie.

He's mad that they won't let black people go to space. I'm James Harden. Yeah. Oh, damn it. Is Barry Pepper in that movie? I don't know. He should be. Barry Pepper is in every movie about World War II. I went to his Twitter page. We're trying to get Barry Pepper World War II. I went to his Twitter page.

We're trying to get Barry Pepper as a guest on the show. I would love to get the Pepper. I don't even know who he is, I'm being honest. You do. You know who he is. He's in Saving Private Ryan. He's got that weird pinched face. He's in my favorite movie, Battlefield Earth.

Yeah, he is. Oh, shit. He beats up a lot of horses in that movie. I tried to... he's the main character in battlefield earth i've never seen it uh i tried to do a drinking game to that movie where you drink every time john travolta like laughs like forces laughter you know like a man animal every time he does that you have to drink. And you won't make it through that movie. Also, so many horses get injured in the first 15 minutes of that movie.

Fuck them, dude. Fuck animals. That's my stance. Well, it's important for Scientology. You got to spread the gospel. You got to kill some horses. You don't make lemonade without killing some horses. Yeah.

That's true. That was one of the expressions from apollo 13 yeah that's right yeah the the houston guy comes in he says i still think i should be boss you don't make lemonade unless you kill some horses and then they go into the supply closet there's just a closet in a fucking spaceship yeah I feel like in Captain Phillips his Boston accent was so bad he should have just gone retard he should have gone Forrest Gump retard

to be a Boston guy listen it's a very slight difference they're pretty close listen to me I'm the captain now that was just Arnold Schwarzenegger I'm the captain now. That was just Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'm the captain. But no, in what were we talking about?

Barry Papper. Barry Papper. Yeah, I went to Barry Papper's Twitter page, and he's doing some challenge, some 22 push-ups for 22 days to stop the troops from killing themselves. for 22 days to stop the troops from killing themselves. First of all, that's not that many pushups. And also,

he was the troops in so many movies that he feels like he is the troops in real life. That makes sense. No, he's got a good point. He's basically the troops.

He's been in enough fake fucking costumes and shit. Yeah, well, he's been in all the good war movies we're so nervous was he in platoon i know there's two minutes left and i'm like watching the clock yeah like it's uh like it's an execution professional fucking broadcasters right now well i'm just hoping it won't be wikipedia a lot because i know some of his to be honest with you the only thing I've seen that he's done is run Ronnie run okay yeah yeah I don't know what that is but uh no he was in uh you know what that sounds like I picked the like the most obscure reference but it's it's actually true I've seen run Ronnie run like yeah like three or four times when I was like 15

I thought it was hilarious he's in Poodie Tank for a second. Is he? Yeah, we should ask him. We should ask him, you know, whatever we... What that was like. Was he in the Smurfs? We got to do... We got to do...

Was he Gargamel? We got to do an hour with him, so... We're doing a full hour. Full hour. We're going to aim for that. Okay, yeah, I'm down. If it goes much shorter, if he's like mad about the setup, I don't even know. He probably doesn't have a lot going on these days.

He's asthma. Well, we'll talk about that with him. if he's mad about the setup. He probably doesn't have a lot going on these days. He has a lot. Well, we'll talk about that with him. We've got a minute left if you guys want to plug anything. I have like half of an apple that I'm thinking about eating. I'm selling it from now on. That's what I want to plug.

Stop sending me pictures of your titties. Which I get a lot of. I'm going to call him now. Yeah, call him a minute early. It's fine. All right. Then you know what going to call him now. Yeah, call him a minute early. It's fine. All right. Then you know what? That'll seem professional.

Yeah. These guys, they're like professional radio guys. We're professional radio guys. Oh, shit. Now it's 530. Well, just explain to him that we can't. All right. Well, I'll tell him that we were going to call.

Is it ringing? What if he just gave you the wrong number? No, it's not ringing. You fucking idiot. Oh my god. Jesus Christ. Oh, there it is. That was probably the problem. Welcome to Verizon Wireless. Your call cannot be completed as dialed.

Please check the number and dial again. Announcement for 4-0-4. Location. What was that? All right, hold on. His phone's on? No, no, no. It said the call cannot be completed as dialed.

It did something wrong. Welcome to Verizon Wireless. We're unable to complete your call. To speak to a customer service representative, please hang up and dial star 611. Announcement 3-5-0-0. Location 8-0-5-0-2. No, I don't hear it.

Listen to this. This is so funny how fucked up this is. Listen to what happens when is so funny how fucked up this is. Listen to what happens when I try and call him. This is our waiting for Godot. This is, I think the cell phone tower is down. No, there it goes. I got a ring. Oh, sick.

Yeah. Okay. Get those headphones on. Take it out, bitch. It's ringing? It rang once. No, I legitimately think the fucking cell phone tower is down. It's like there's a problem and then they give me some error code.

Everyone's going to think this is a bit. It's not a bit. I don't know how to fucking make this shit. We're so fucked, dude. Fuck this. We could legit edit this part. Like for real. You've got to be fucking kidding me.

No, I think the storm knocked out a cell phone tower or something. Welcome to Verizon Wireless. We're unable to complete your call. To speak to a customer service representative, please hang up and dial star 611. Announcement 3-5-0-0. Location 8-0-5-0-2. Should we try one of our phones?

Yeah, I guess I should call customer service. And we should ask them. Should we try Adam's phone? All right, yeah, we can try Adam's phone. Give me your phone. Cool, I'm going to save this number. I don't know why I didn't think of this before You talk for a second while I plug the water right

Sorry about that folks More than you I know this is probably not this is honestly we could just edit this there's no reason to talk right now Honestly, we could just edit this. There's no reason to talk right now. Shut the fuck up, dude. I don't say that we as if I'm... Nick, you don't have to... I'll edit it, bitch. Send me the fucking falls, bitch.

Yeah, that's what I thought. Shut the fuck up. How we looking? This is ringing. Sick. But you might not pick up because it's Vegas, man. It's not a trustworthy number. We can try mine next.

Hold on. But my phone's fucked. I'm so nervous. All right, maybe this will work. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello, can you hear me?

Yes, can you hear me? Yes, can you hear me? Yeah, I can hear you now. Okay. Okay. I'm assuming that was you who called earlier. Yeah, did it not? I was getting some like, I'm like dead serious. There was, I guess there was some like cell phone tower error code.

Every time I called, it would tell me to hang up and call customer service. Is this David Cross? This is customer service. Oh, shit. Is it David Cross at customer service? This is customer service for David Cross, yes. I'm employed by David Cross. Okay.

Well, we got David Cross's customer service on the phone. Okay. Well, that's just as good. That's fine. I mean, we'll work with that. I have to just let you know up front, I'm here. My name is Nick. I spoke with David, and we planned on calling around 530.

I actually did dial the number at 530, but then there was that error code. So I apologize that we're a couple minutes late. But I'm here. My friend Adam is – Hi, David. How's it going? What's not David? It's customer service.

Oh, hi, Custy. No, no, it is – I mean, it is me. I'm acting as my own customer service representative. That's just the way I save some money. I try to do that Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Wow. If you call on Tuesday and Thursday, you'll get Desi, who's the regular customer service. Well, I guess I'm regular because I do it three out of five times.

But Desi acts as the customer service rep i guess i'm regular because i do it five out of three out of five times but uh but does he act as the customer service rep when i'm not doing it or vice vice versa yes well i thank you thank you for taking the call um so i i mean i i do have to like apologize service yeah and what what uh do you have a complaint or is there something you want to register with uh well i don't Well, it's not a complaint about you, but I guess we do have a bit of a communication issue. We unfortunately only have one set of headphones to plug into the 4-track. This is mostly your... I've got two with me, if that helps. Well, we would need them here.

That's the problem. Okay. I could... What's he saying? Let me think here. I am... I'm in... I'm upstate right now in New York.

How many friends is he saying? So... Excuse me, baby. There's not the best direct route. I mean, if I left... Well, I can't. I've got... What's he saying?

Well, we were going to get... If I left, well, I can't. I've got a kid. Jesus. We only have like an hour to do our podcast, and then there's a frozen yogurt place in Astoria. I can't get them to you in that kind of time. I mean, they'd have to be like helicoptered in, and then the helicopters didn't even land. They'd have to literally like hover over where you are and drop them from a height, and they might break.

So that's not going to work. Okay. Well, we actually plan to only use the one set of headphones. Oh, well, then what's the plan? What's the problem? Oh, sorry. I was just explaining that the plan is I'm going to use the headphones, and then Adam is here.

Adam Friedland. Yeah. Can you hear Adam? You have to scream. Hi, David. Niceland. Yeah. Can you hear Adam? You have to scream. Hi, David. Nice to meet you. Can you hear him? Yeah, it's a little muffled because of the yelling.

Oh, okay. Yeah, he's on the other side of the room. And then... Well, can he come closer? Yeah, Adam can come closer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi. Hi.

But then we have a third guy here hello big fan stop my name is stavros stav yeah stavros uh is also here do you say thank you uh no okay so am i supposed to wear the headphones or not no i see i'm wearing one one of the ears and then i'm i'm gonna share the other ear with Adam and Stavros. And we're really just exploring. I think as far as us goes, the four of us, this will sort of work seamlessly. It'll take a couple of seconds to figure out the ins and outs of how this will work. That's a good plan.

And then it's mostly just to explain. So there's four of you guys there. There's three of us here, but then you is four. And this most of it. Got it, got it, got it. Yeah, the exposition is all for the audience. This is, you know, so then... Am I supposed to be... I'm not supposed to be there with you.

No, no, no. We wanted to do it over the phone. So this actually, it's... Okay, got it. Yeah. All right, then this seems to be going... Because to be honest with you, you're our first phone guest,

and we wanted to, like, sort of have, like, a dry run. With someone that was small enough to like, hey, come on. Come on, dude. That's fucked, dude. He can hear you. Yeah, so we just want to just make sure it works. I mean, it's going well. Yeah, you don't want to shoot your wad on a Seth Rogen or something like that.

Right. I get it. This is actually not even really much of like a comedy podcast. We have last week we had on, um, uh, uh, Amber Frost,

who's, she writes stuff and, uh, she's my roommate. She, I pay rent to her, but she's like a journalist. And,

uh, yeah. So yeah, we did like a whole episode on like on, on Brexit. Uh, so it's like, it's like political stuff we do.

The shampoo. Yeah, I guess we could talk about the shampoo crisis, like if there's a shampoo crisis, anything, like political stuff. But you are like, it's an honor to have you on. We're all fans, me and Adam and Stavros. Big fans. Big, big fans. I think you're doing great.

I think Seth Rogen will respond to that. That's a smart thing to say up front. Do you have his number or something? Say what? Go ahead, Adam. Do you have his number or email? Yeah, yeah. It's 213-698-1842.

Okay. Thanks, man. Thank you. What was that? What did he say? He said his Seth Rogen's number. Oh, nice. We should intro you for our... I love Pineapple Express, man. We should intro you for our guests on the show. Or, I mean, our listeners who listen to the show who may not be familiar.

David Cross is probably our biggest guest so far. For sure. He's been on television. He's been in feature films. Do you have a book? Radio. I've done radio. He's done radio.

Have you authored any? I've done feature radio. I've done radio. He's done radio. Have you authored any? I've done feature radio. I've done feature podcasts. You know, PSAs. I did a PSA. Okay, so you're no stranger to the podcast format. So up front, you know, you just intro the guests. And tell us some of your, like, your biggest hits.

What's, yeah. What are your, like your your biggest hits what's yeah what are you yeah what are your like your big hits uh we in what in what sense i'm not sure like if they did if they were like huge if they were like here's the guy and then here's like play the hits, you know, and then they pointed at you. Like, presumably like an audience of some kind. Well, I don't... You know, I'm not a musician. I don't have hits, per se. Like, as a comedian, we don't kind of rank our jokes that way there's

no like chart uh i guess that that's what you're that's really interesting i'm just i'm just gonna yeah so there's there's no yeah he said that he said that he's not a musician and as a comedian um you're like your top 10 lists they They don't, they prefer, comedians will prefer not to do top 10 lists. Who's your favorite band then? Well, no, that's not, that's not what I said. I, I, I didn't say we don't prefer to, I just say they don't chart, there's no, you can't, you can't really keep track of a, you don't purchase, you don't, a joke isn't like a commodity that's so you don't know or

you don't you don't remember your top hits then no he's saying he remembers them he just they don't you don't rank them it's like if you had children you wouldn't be like hey you know john's the best and stevie's the worst even though you know stevie has like uh you know, John's the best and Stevie's the worst, even though, you know, Stevie has, like, you know, a mental disability or something, you would say they're the same. Even though in your heart. I love both of them, even though one of them is better. Yeah, I guess that analogy would apply if you were to re-rank your kids weekly, but that doesn't really happen, and I guess unless there was an introduction of a new kid every once in a while.

Yeah, that's not the best analogy, really. But, yeah, just to go back, there's no – I would – you know, I'd probably just sort of give them a funny look and say, what are you talking about? Okay. If somebody asked me to name my top hits. Let's talk for a second about... Well, we'll talk about that. Many people might be familiar with you from a little thing called Mr. Show.

And I would be lying if I said that I haven't seen an episode or two. And I'm certain that my friends here... I've watched a lot on YouTube. Yeah, I've seen a lot on YouTube. Yeah, I've seen a lot on YouTube. Yeah, we're fans of the show. But for listeners that may not be familiar, can you tell us a little bit about that? Sure.

It was a sketch show that ran for a couple of years with Bob Odenkirk and a bunch of other talented, funny folks back in the mid-90s, mid to late 90s, I guess, on HBO. And HBO, that stands for Home Box Office. Is that correct? I haven't really checked in, but it used to. I don't know if that's changed. I know they have Game of Thrones on now to. I don't know if that's changed.

I know they have Game of Thrones on now, so I don't know if that's altered it at all. Yeah, it might be like one of those, like a KFC situation, where it used to be Kentucky Fried Chicken, and then the government actually made them change it because the chickens are so genetically modified that legally they're not allowed to call them chickens anymore. Did you know that true? The chickens are so genetically modified that they're legally not allowed to call them chickens anymore. Did you know that before? I saw it. It could be on one of those sites that I visit when I get drunk, a website. I thought it was Kinder – is that Kinder Fried? There's Kentucky Fried Chicken and then there's Kennedy Fried Chicken.

Right. But only one of them is KFC. KFC was the one that used to be Kentucky Fried Chicken and then they shortened it. Right. And now they brought Colonel Sanders, who was their mascot, they brought him back. was their mascot, they brought him back, and now, sort of to come full circle, they have comedians playing Colonel Sanders. Is that something you would be interested in doing? You know, I mean if things progress the way they've been progressing,

given time, I might have no other choice but to accept that offer if that was to be made. But, I mean, I could also hold out for Kennedy Fried Chicken. I'd be that mascot, too. I'd hold out for Kennedy Fried Chicken. I'd be that mascot, too. I don't agree with all of her points, and I haven't seen every show she's done. I know she's on Fox and whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, I mean, maybe I'd hold off on it. No, I don't think it's named after her. But her name is Kennedy. Yeah, and she's the only one that's still alive. Is she a part of that family? Do you know? The Kentucky... Kennedy, is she one of the...

Probably, you know what, folks? Probably the only Kennedy... Oh, you mean the political... Yeah, yeah. The only Kennedy that should be murdered. Am I right? The only Kennedy that not be murdered. Yeah. right? The only Kennedy to not be murdered. Yeah.

I guess a brain tumor counts as a type of murder. Yeah, I mean, if you, yeah, I mean, that, you know, God is a murderer in a sense, sure. Yeah, hold on one second. Adam, we're talking about Kennedy from Fox News. Adam, currently the earbud situation is I have one and stop. I have one now, too, yeah. I have no earbuds. Adam, we're talking about Kennedy from Fox News. Adam, currently the earbud situation is I have one and stop. I have one now too, yeah. I have no earbuds. Adam, yeah.

You're saying Dave. Adam has no earbuds. So we were just catching him up on that. So obviously you're not a big fan of Fox News. How about – Are you like a Bernie Sanders guy or? Uh, yeah, I was. Um.

Oh, you gave up on him or? Well, I don't think he has any, uh, viable course to become president. I felt like I gave up on him. I, uh. Cause I'm, I'm thinking about voting for him still. Okay. Well you, that's your prerogative. How about this Trump guy?

You know... I mean, come on. What do you think about him? You know, I mean, I wouldn't... So who's your second choice? You're going Hillary then, if you can't get... Do you tell him I got a dog? Not yet. I mean, part of me is interested in Kennedy, you know?

Yeah, that would be pretty cool. Maybe that's what I was getting at. Yeah, a sexy lady president. How about that? Yeah, like a kind of a female contrarian, yeah. That would be cool. You probably do pretty well with the honeys as a celebrity. Well, I'm married.

Oh, but before you were married. You know, I certainly hung out with a bunch of honeys. Who's the hottest woman you've ever fucked? Come on, Stav. Don't be gross. I want to know, man. Everyone wants to know. Well, we're having a political, you know.

You kind of started that, honestly. I just, I made a comment. You know, there's, I'm doing like. You didn't even let him answer, you know. I'm sorry. Go ahead, honestly. I made a comment. I'm doing like... You didn't even let him answer. I'm sorry. Go ahead, Mr. Cross. I apologize. It's all right. I'm not going to really get into that. I have too much respect for the women in the past.

When you say women in the past, you mean Alyssa Milano. Nice, nice, man. Wow, dude. I beat off the Charmed all the time when I was younger. Charmed. What's the one, Embrace of the Vampire? Have you seen that movie? No. She is. I didn't hear exactly what you said, but I heard the word vampire, so I haven't seen that movie. She's in a movie.

I think it's Embrace of the Vampire. Oh, yeah. She's completely nude. Those are awesome. You can see her tits. She's also underage in the Joey Botafuco movie. Nice. Which, that's just a tidbit I happen to know about her, not that that adds any appeal.

What was he saying? Sure, sure, sure. He's not saying anything right now. Adam's got it, by the way, guys. I don't have it. I can't hear it. Hi, David. I just got a dog, and I don't know if I should change the dog's name.

What is the dog's name currently? Isis. I wouldn't. I mean, is it named after the terrorist group or the old TV show with the lady? I don't know. She's from bedside. She's, like, used in dogfights.

She's a pit bull. And my friend rescued her, and then he had to get rid of her because his landlord wouldn't let him have it. So I took it to my apartment. And I just call her Icy pretty much. But, you know, I don't know. I feel like if I change it, then the terrorists sort of you know so i don't really know sure yeah yeah and and it's also going to give the dog a complex too and it teaches the dog you know uh exactly that that the

that you know fear and terror work. You know, you can continue to call her ISIS and then if people get upset, you can say, when the dog is out of earshot, you can say, oh no, you must have misheard me. Her name is Mysis.

Mysis. Yeah, because I was in the dog park and I said I got a phone call and I said I'm training with Isis right now. Right. Yeah, you could probably see how that might come off. He did, dude. Nice.

David thinks I should keep that right. Nice. Thank you for the input on that. I apologize if that's sort of unrelated. Ask him about Stav's car. We're not going to ask him about fucking Stav's car. My car got stolen recently, and I don't know. Have you ever had that happen?

Could you please respect? I'm sorry, but we have hand signals set up so that Adam and Stavros understand when it's appropriate to speak or not. He's just not. he's not, sorry. Go ahead, ask him about, I'm sorry, Stavros asked you a question about his fucking car. So we'll do that. My car got stolen recently. I mean, I didn't want to, but Adam kind of put me on the spot. So yeah, my car got stolen.

Did that ever happen to you? Yes. That sucks, right? car got stolen did that ever happen to you uh yes that sucks right um yeah it wasn't the uh wasn't the greatest thing to have happen to me no what kind of car was it a honda civic holy shit dude that's i had a mine was a honda civic too. Yeah. Stop. Honda Civic, boys. Dude, this is a big podcast. What color? It was a silver. Oh. 98, though? Maybe it was, you know.

Mine was a 98. When did yours get stolen? I had an old one. This would have been probably 95. No, but what year was the car? Oh, shit. I don't know. A maybe fuck all right well okay well you're hoping it was the same year whatever man yeah that would have been cool if you guys had

this like imagine if you guys had the same exact type of car and they both happen to get stolen yeah then we i mean we could go to those meetings together, I guess. What kind of car do you drive now? Toyota Highlander. Toyota Highlander. That's a great vehicle. That's good. A lot of room.

Thank you. Well, you know what? Thank you so much for coming on. You're an inspiration to us. Do you have any questions for us? Well, yeah, if you have any questions for us well uh yeah if you have any questions for us or if there's anything you want to plug or anything um you know i have uh zero questions for you um none i and i let me give it a second uh city has zero questions for us

no i don't have any. I can't. I don't anticipate ever having any questions for you. That's all right. It could be general. It could be general. It's not too specific. It's okay. But, yeah, man, thanks for coming on.

We look forward to hearing and seeing all about stuff coming up. And, you know, sorry about the tech issues or whatever, but we're trying our best. And, you know, I mean, sometimes in life you just got to, you just make it work. So, you know, thanks for hanging out with us. And we'll see you on the flip side. Sure, I'm happy to be part of the experiment.

And I truly believe you when you say you are trying your best. I believe this is literally the best that you can do. All right, thanks, man. I actually don't know how I can't hang up the phone. No, you hang up. Yeah, we're doing like a no, you hang up. No, you hang up. He probably won't even.

He probably wants to keep talking. Oh, he hung up. All right. Did you hang up. No you hang up. He probably won't even. He probably wants to keep talking. Oh, he hung up. All right. Did you hang up? Nope. Oh, shit. It's Adam's phone. Can you tell him?

Here, Adam, can you help end the call? Thank you. Yeah, so I just, David, they said thank you for being on the podcast. I just want to say thank you from me. They didn't say that. I was saying thank you for being on the podcast. I just want to say thank you from me. They didn't say that. I was saying thank you. I just like how they're not

emotionally capable or physically capable or maybe even legally capable of hanging up a phone that's not theirs. I don't know who he's talking about. He had to do the pin number before I could get to the button.

But we can hang up now. Oh, okay. So whenever you're ready, we're going to hang up the phone. Oh, you have my number now, so if you want to text me or... I'll just shoot you a text on Adam's number. See you later.

Thanks for coming in, man. Okay. We did it. Hell yeah, man. Hell yeah. That was fucking tight. I think that went good. Yeah, dude.

That went great. Yo, sick. I love you guys, man. We fucking killed that. This is honestly, I didn't think this was going to go anywhere. We killed that. We did it. We talked to him.

I think he seemed a little mad at the end. He was doing a bit, I think. Was he? People like that are always on. He's always on. We talked to him. I think he seemed a little mad at the end. He was doing a bit, I think. Was he? People like that are always on. He's always on. He's always on. Oh, okay. You can't use it, yeah.

That went great. Yeah, I think we had a great time with that. And it's like we're building relationships, you know? It's kind of cool. Connections in the industry. In the industry, man. Yeah, so I guess we're going take a break and then uh come back with the second half yeah just like a recap talk about the coop in turkey yeah we gotta talk about

the coop and then we guys not to fucking get your hopes up but we might give a little minister david cross a call back see what else he has to say yeah that, that'd be awesome. All right. Later. The grandson of Kwai Chang Kane walks out of the past. But I want to fight. Yes. So did your great-grandfather when he was your age. He teaches his son wisdom at a Shaolin temple. An evil force destroyed that temple. Father and son each believed the other had perished.

Fifteen years later, they were reunited. Now Cain faced new challenges. And his son grew up. Look, I'm not my father i don't do kung fu i'm a cop that's who i am that's what i do i am king I will help you. And we're back, ladies and germs. Uh-oh. That was great.

That was fantastic. That was like Mark Maron level good. I didn't think that with the headphones, with only you being able to hear and then Stav and I having to switch off who could hear, I didn't think it would work. But it was pretty seamless, honestly. Yeah, we had a positive attitude. I think that's really what David liked about it. Yeah. No, I think he understood that we're like young guys trying to make it. Young alphas on the up and coming side.

Alphapreneurs. Alphapreneurs. Alphapreneurs. Do you guys... Hold on. Shut the fuck up for a second. Do you know where alphapreneur comes from? From Dan Bilzerian? No. Maybe it does, but the reference I'm talking about

this week, it's not Dan Bilzerian. It's the fucking guy that shot up those cops in baton rouge he invented that term dude have you not been paying attention to cosmo no convos with cosmo he has he had his own podcast what he was all over social media dude the guy who killed those cops the guy who shot all those cops in baton rouge was like a fucking he was like a black twitter uh i guess they're called hotep guys which is like a umbrella term from what i can you know tell from context is like an umbrella term for uh like black people

that were like oh the greeks yeah the greek gods oh slow down the greek gods i think you mean the african gods because all the greeks were actually black. That's true. As a Greek man, I can tell you that's true. Excuse me, Beethoven? I'm actually black. Ludwig von Beethoven? I think you mean Blackvig von Beethoven. Because he was actually a black man. You see, that's the thing, man.

These devils, they tell you in these schools that George Washington was a white man. Surprise, he was black. And he made peanut butter black and he made peanut butter somebody used to do i think it was who said i think it was wessel schmidt used to do that as a bit i know yeah some comic one of those one of those like edgy like fucking open my guys when i think it was him used to do a bit that's like yeah apparently i found out some fucked up shit about one of the founding fathers. You know, they all did racist stuff,

but apparently George Washington used to, like, go around in blackface and fuck around with peanuts. Yeah. That's a good bit. Yeah, it's hilarious. That's funny. Which, actually,

I was on an interesting website the other day, black invention myths. We have to. That's the only stipulation blackinventionmyths.com. We have to. That's the only stipulation for using the Anthony Cumia Studios is we have to go on that website once a week. By the way, folks,

the Anthony Cumia Studios only has one set of headphones. In the whole studio. In the whole studio. We actually use the studio, but we're not allowed to use their equipment. That's the rule.

Because we're too woke. We're in the bathroom at the Anthony Cumia Studios. Yeah, we're in the JV. No, George Washington Carver didn't invent peanut butter. That's not true. Really? Yeah.

No, he did do experiments with peanut butter, but he was just a guy. And they do that all the time. They're like, oh, fuck, we need a black history guy. How about him? Right. Why him always? I don't know. He was a big-ass scientist. ass scientist love him wasn't he like castrated or some shit i think they cut his balls off that's what i heard no that was the guy they got they took

away his nuts i just did with the truth that's i just i cast a truth castrated uh george washington carver that was uh benedict's Cumberbatch From the code When he broke the code His voice is too deep No I really I think it was I castrated that guy I think

I don't know dude I was watching something on YouTube That said Something about I think a Hotep guy was behind it Sorry I just ate a Pop-Tart And it ain't agreeing with me at all We all shared a Pop-Tart

During the break You know what People were Very interested in the break music from last time. What was that? Did you listen to it? I listened to it. Because people have been asking me, if you're interested, it's Explosive Impact featuring the theme song to the TV show Nightman.

Explosive Impact is a rant that some autistic kid uploaded to YouTube like 10 years ago. And people just kept downloading it and re-uploading it. Nightman? Nightman. It was a TV show. So, you know how like superhero movies... Wasn't your name on Facebook Nightman for a while? Put that back in the thing.

Tell me what the fuck to do bitch don't lose that shit you're gonna fucking leave it on that chair and lose i'm doing it but not because you told me to all right um no a night man was a uh so you know how we have like this is all this popularity with uh superhero shit now they tried to do that in the 90s and it failed and they did it with shit like uh and when i say all the superhero shit i mean like you know deadpool like no one knows who the fuck deadpool is right the gal guardians of the galaxy all these like right you know deep cut fucking you know comic book shit make it mainstream and they did that in the 90s with the tick i remember the tick the fox show

that was good that was actually good they did show. That was good. That was actually good. They did it. Spawn? Tick was, yeah. Well, Spawn was super popular. Yeah, yeah. Spawn was new. Spawn was sick. Spawn is the only comic book I've ever read. Stav is like literally shitting himself. He thinks it's funny, but he's going to shit himself. Off mic.

He's wearing cargo shorts. They ain't got no fucking cargoes. You keep the turds in them pockets. You got to hold them off your pockets for the turds. But no, they did that in the 90s with the Tick and the Shadow and the Phantom. Freakazoid? Yeah. Well, again, Freakazoid, you know what you're talking about.

Autistic Nick getting mad? Yeah. Well, I'm not even a fucking comic book guy. It's just like, you know, read the fucking Wikipedia page, man. What? Read every Wikipedia page? Reading is every single Wikipedia page. Reading's gay. That's my stance and you know that.

Yeah. I feel the same way. That's why it's a podcast, dude. You get to listen. You don't have to read it. That's actually brilliant, dude. We should type this out. That must be the appeal.

Yeah, we should. We should transcribe it. We should type this out. That must be the appeal. Yeah, we should. We should transcribe it. We should type this out. And sell it as a fucking book? Yeah. What were you saying about Nightman, though? Oh, yeah. So Nightman is about...

So it was a TV show, and Nightman was a TV show about a guy who... He's a jazz musician who got struck by lightning. Oh, hell yeah. And now he can hear evil. Nice. And then he also just becomes Batman. So he has all this fucking tech. He can fly all of a sudden, and he has all this equipment.

But that wasn't part of getting struck by lightning. I mean, I'm sure they explain it, but nobody gives a shit. Right. And the intro music is great. And what I loved about the show is, I'm pretty sure it was on UPN. Oh, yes. There was a period where Dodge was trying to promote, or all these Mopar cars were promoted through television series,

where they had the new Knight Riders, and the new Dodge Durango was on that. And then they had Nightman. That was recent, wasn't it? What's that? The new Knight Rider? No, it was in the they had Nightman. That was recent, wasn't it? What's that? The new Knight Rider? No, it was in the mid-90s. It was like Knight Riders.

There was a Knight Rider reboot in the 90s with all like... And I think it might have all been all fucking like Chrysler vehicles. Right, right, right. But yeah, so it was... Yeah, that was... And there was a show called Viperper which we have talked about before yeah viper because that was like the the break music on a couple episodes ago yeah and then on nightman nightman's car was the plymouth prowler you remember that that was beautiful the open wheel

open wheel layout fucking piece of shit yeah like teardrop car old guys yeah were they all purple they were all purple and then in the last model year yeah the last model year they had like yellow and but for the first like two or three years the orange yeah it was all are you setting up like a funny bit or are you just no i was talking about something else but you i was explaining one thing and then you interrupt me and i have to expound upon it then you interrupt me again and then have to expound upon it, and then you interrupt me again, and then I get this backlog of shit I need to fucking mention. I'm not setting up a bit.

We already had David Cross in the first half. You know what? If you don't want to hear me talk about fucking cars, then turn off the fucking podcast. What's your favorite car? My favorite car of all time? Yeah. 1987 Buick GNX. Why?

I don't know. They're just cool. They're cool? What do they look like? They're cool in like that, like, you know, like 80s, like a muscle revival sort of way. It's like a bunch of big piece of shit old sedans that they had, like, performance versions of. That one's cool. The 83 Hurst Cutlass is pretty cool. Hurst? Yeah, Hurst. big piece of shit old sedans that they had like performance versions of that one's cool the 83

uh hearst cutlass is pretty cool hearst yeah hearst they were like uh yeah like uh william randolph first yeah yeah it's different it's a hearst like for dead people h-u-r-s-d no not a hearst speaking of hearst we should watch newsies sometime. Not part of the podcast, just the three of us. Newsies? As guys, just get together and watch Newsies. Only if we see a fucking Broadway play, dude. Yeah. Well, I want to watch the Christian Bale version.

No, I want to watch the movie. I want to watch the Christian Bale version before he had muscles so I can obsessively monitor his progress in between that and the American side of it. Yo, he straight up, he made the Mechanist before he did Batman Begins. Is that how you pronounce it? The Mechanist? The Mechanist. I said it right, dude. I just said it English. He did the Mechanist

before he did Batman Begins. And in that movie... No, it's true. He did American Psycho before Batman Begins. He did... Oh, you're Dude, he did American Psycho before Batman Begins. He did... Oh, you're right. He did American Psycho, then he did Machinist.

Machinist. He did the Mac... There's no reason you should be pronouncing it that way. How do you pronounce the pianist? Is it Pionist? Do you say Adrian Brody and the Pionist? Okay, it's... First of all, it's the pianist.

Second of all, Adrian Brody and the Machist okay it's first of all it's the penis second of all uh adrian brody and the machinist what's so difficult about words you got a machinist you got pirates of the caribbean it's the say say it's the machinist again it's the machinist that would be like a great slogan for like a craft mac and cheese it's the machinist It's the macanist baby With that dinosaur He made What dinosaur? Oh the mac and cheese dinosaur The dinosaur that is

As far as I'm concerned Gender fluid The Kraft mac and cheese dinosaur They never actually tell you What gender the dinosaur is And they do a very good I think Kraft like deliberately Deliberately obscured the gender

of the dinosaur um so that everyone would want to fuck it well you know i mean i was a very like forward-thinking company in the 1990s for them to do that craft craft yeah um but no what were we talking about i don't fucking adam you were Oh, so he was in The Mechanist. Can I have the bottom half of that Pop-Tart? It's gone. Salve ate it. I didn't fucking eat it. He farted it.

First of all, motherfuckers, I had the least amount of Pop-Tart here. All right? Let's just get that straight for the listeners. I love that the wrapper that Pop-Tart's come in. This is like... It's like silk. Yeah. Well, it's like this very thin tin foil. But it's plastic. It's like the shit's like this Very thin Tin foil

But it's plastic It's like the shit That the astronaut stuff Like it looks like It belongs on the spaceship Like astronaut blankets Yeah I like how everything

NASA ever made Just wound up A sharper image At some point Yeah How about I heard they didn't even Eat ice cream

That's really like Yeah why are they so smart dude If they just NASA Yeah They just had fancy mattresses and like, you know. Shut up, NASA. And yo, and NASA, stop fucking listening to my phone calls without my permission, dude.

Fuck you. All right, yo. Oh, yeah. So you got this place called NASA? NASA, they like listen to phone calls, emails, dude. This brother named N-Word Snowman. My man, N-Word Snowman, be telling people at NASA. You're for real?

Yeah, hold on. My man opening my eyes. Paul Mooney 2016. Paul Mooney and Ralph Should have their own TV show Yeah it is some good shit yo Yeah So anyway Christian Bale was in the Macanus

And he lost all this weight For this movie Right He gets super skinny in it And he like Locked himself in a hotel Was just smoking cigarettes And chewing gum

To get down to that weight And drinking water He actually ate a can of tuna And an apple a day Bitch He did That's it That's all he ate

You have to eat something You gotta eat something Yeah No all he was eating Was a can of tuna and an apple a day bitch that's it that's all he ate you have to eat something you gotta eat something yeah no all he was eating was a can of tuna and an apple every day holy shit he got down to like 110 pounds or something yeah psycho 110 and then like six months later he showed up for production on batman begins like jack 22. Like, he had to have done so many steroids. Well, it's not that he did steroids. I mean, steroids can only do so much for you.

It's that, like, he had already been jacked prior to that movie coming out, prior to The Machinist. So, he lost all that weight, and then, like,

went to put the weight back on, and, like, you still have, like, you know, I mean, your body's just readjusting to where it was. So it's like he had some sort of tragedy happen, you know,

he got lost at sea and then his body like rehabbed itself. But like a regular person, I don't think could gain that much weight in like seven months. I think you could. Yeah. You should try it, dude. You should. You should get jacked.

He just got, yeah, Adam, just tell him about the deal you got dude we're actually sponsored by optimum nutrition now so i got a uh optimum nutrition weight gainer on amazon prime day it's called serious mass and folks the serious part means fucking serious yeah it's 1300 calories per serving yeah scoop you per scoop serving that's it no it's two scoops in a still jesus that's a fucking chipotle burrito and a half yeah shut the fuck up siri just uh uh yelled at me what'd you get amber alert no she said they thought i said this year is part means fucking serious it It's 1,300 calories. Reserve the scoop scoop.

And then she said. Reserve that scoop scoop. Reserve the scoop scoop sounds like a term. A hood term. An urban. Reserve that scoop scoop. Scoop scoop. Weight gainer.

Yeah, weight gainer. Jesus, I look at my phone for two seconds and you guys just stop speaking? Well, no, we were talking. We got... I said reserve the scoop scoop. Scoop scoop. Reserve the scoop scoop. Oh, no, we got to talk about this shooting guy, man. The fucking Baton Rouge thing.

Oh, that's what we were talking about. Oh, yeah, that's how we got here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's how we got to Nightman. No, so he has a podcast. I listened to one episode of like 30 seconds of it. Is it better than our podcast? It's much better than our podcast.

It's so much better than our podcast. He's got a guy at the intro that's like, are you ready to stop being a bitch? To stop letting people get the best of you? Are you ready to become an alphapreneur? Well, get ready for convos with cosmo and then he's like you know then they kill him uh who cosmo i mean i assume so i assume if you shoot yeah you shoot the police they're gonna be like you know even if you surrender

they're not gonna let you surrender surrender. And you never surrender. Yeah, I'd go out. But, yeah, dude, he's got a podcast. He's got YouTube videos. This guy was great. And you know what's funny is you see that, like, the social justice tweets that he was retweeting over the last couple of weeks, and they're the same tweets that, like, your friends were retweeting. And his, like, opinions and shit are identical to

you know people that are loud on social media but hey he was the guy with courage he finally did something about it you know what i mean everybody can talk but it's one thing to be an look an alpha has a gun okay but an alphapreneur murders the police with it you gotta take the initiative you gotta think okay i got a gun What can I do with this gun Defend myself A beta How about I invent a new way To use the gun And murder police officers

Did he have like a company Other than like promoting himself Like what was he an entrepreneur of Just fucking Dude he's out there He's fucking He's selling You know

Waste trainers I told you about that guy I knew from From Tony told me about this guy i knew from uh from tony told me about this guy from high school he caught up with who's like yo i got a lifestyle brand it's called like mcdavid's or something yes and basically it was like two t-shirts like streetwear kind of t-shirts lifestyle that he's still he's a good story he sells online for like 120 bucks you know for this shitty t-shirt um and anyway he had an instagram account up and basically two t-shirts and maybe

stickers that he put on like right polls and then he's like hashtag poll hashtag lifestyle brand hashtag you know right so anyway mcdonald's finds out about i wasn wasn't McDavid's, it was something with McD something. And they find out about it. They're like, well, it's our policy typically to buy all registered trademarks and brands that start McD. Are you kidding? So they like made him like a $40,000 offer. What? And he looked them square in the eye and said, I'm going to have to pass.

Are you fucking joking? Holy shit. You know that guy's at a bar being like, yeah, they came to me. They tried to buy it, but not my baby. I'm going to make it big with McD's. Yo, this is a lifestyle brand, bro. You know, we got T-shirts, stickers. We got tank tops coming soon.

You remember Chris Berlick? Yeah. Chris Berlick? Yeah. Chris Berlick was this nerd comedian in D.C. He lives in San Francisco. Before, everyone was a fucking nerd comedian. Oh, yeah. He was the guy. Oh, fuck.

We're all drinking sparkling. We're drinking bubbly water and I keep throwing up in my mouth. But, yeah. Chris Berlick. Chris Berlick. He was like the nerd comedian in D.C. before that was a thing. Truly. That is who that guy is.

Because D.C. 10 years ago, half the comedians were like black guys who wore Kangol hats. Woo! Woo! Chappelle. I remember Chappelle. He used to stand. Yeah, Dave. Dave used to stand right over there.

And I was standing over here. And those were the days, man. That's how I went down. Yeah. I was standing right here. I was staying over here and uh and those were the days man that's how i went down yeah i was staying right here i was staying right here me and him were boys but you know i never looked him in the eye he was 14 sometimes tony woods called me a faggot but that was it uh but uh yeah so yeah chris he would like he would grab the microphone with both hands and all of his jokes would be and then to the all the way to the fucking castle where the princess is like the punchline is always some you know rant or whatever i was friends with him but he was you know like fully autistic uh you know like a nerd and there was no reason no no no there's a

point to it i'm saying it ties into this lifestyle brand thing is there was a show called Beauty and the Geek that came out. And Chris at the time was running a thing called the Geeks of Comedy. It was like a tour. He did like, I do geek comedy. I'm a geek and I make geek jokes for geeks. And they like performed at like Comic-Con and shit. Yeah. Like that was the image he put forward.

And Beauty and the Geek, it was like this reality show. And on the show, they make the geeks do stand up as like part of the show. Whoa. And, you know, and then they pair you with like a really fucking hot woman. Yeah. To fuck. And the geeks don't look bad at all. I mean, that's the theme of the show.

It wasn't mean-spirited. And they approached Chris, and they were like, you'd be perfect for the show. And he's like, I just don't want to be known for that. And it's like, you already are, you fucking idiot. He turned it down. That's crazy. He turned it down, and then they asked him again. They came back and asked him again, and he turned it down. That's crazy. He turned it down and then they asked him again. They like came back and asked him again and he turned it down again.

Did you ever talk about on the pod about that dude you know with the t-shirt company? With the hot chick? With Sig? Oh. Who is that? No, yeah. It was some guy I went to high school with. He had like, he's like fucking, I don't know.

He just didn't really do much in college and got some bullshit degree. And then I think he, like, yeah, I guess eventually graduated with, like, a graphic design degree. And so he started, like, a t-shirt company. And his t-shirts are online. They're all fucking, like, I mean, they're just, you know, it's the same bullshit. Was it, like, Marilyn Monroe or something? Yeah, yeah, that was it. One of them was, like, it was, was like a fucking uh but she had face tattoos no it was like a fucking it wasn't

maryland monroe who was it it was audrey hepburn hell yeah it was audrey hepburn smoking a cigarette and then the fucking the title of the shirt and it's just a picture of her and then screen printed yeah and it just it's called like a chick with cigs. Yeah, that was good. That's great. Yeah. I wish I knew how to screen print, actually. That's good for merch on the road. We could learn.

No, you can't. I tried. What do you mean? I mean, I can't. I tried. My roommate had a screen printer, and I tried to figure out how to do that shit. It's difficult. Why do we keep losing the issue here which is cosmo is cosmo cosmo i gave you so much gold and you're

like fucking oh what about this other thing what about the turkey coop yeah turkey coop you know what i always thought was crazy dude check this out i'm listening they got a country called turkey uh-huh they got another one called Hungary. Uh-huh. Put those together. Put them together. It seems like we solve all the world's problems. Yeah, we'll have full stomach in one country, half-eaten turkey in the other country. Yeah.

Who gets that? Woo! Which one of us is going to be using that in our act? We'll do rock, paper, scissors for it after this. Rock, paper, scissors. You know, it's like the rock would beat paper. Yeah. We need to fucking cover it.

You cover it. That's not beating it. You cover it. Sorry. That's like, please don't. Stop, rock. Just don't do it. Stop destroying all the scissors.

Stop hurting all those scissors. That feels like it would be, let's say, kind of like a Pete Holmes-y, sort of. I think it's, I think it's out there. Did somebody do that?

I feel like I've heard that. Somebody has to do that. That's why fucking open mic comedy sucks. All stand-up sucks. Stand-up's pretty much dead. Stand-up sucks. Twitter, Twitter pretty much replaced

doing open mics for me four or five years ago. Yeah, I could see that. Because all those dumb fucking jokes that you would want to do at an open mic when you have two minutes and you want to say something fucking retarded.

Right, right, right. That's what Twitter's for. Yeah, I don't know. Okay, so let's do a thing where we go around the room right now and we all say a new funny joke idea that we have. You want to start? You start you start okay i got an idea all right there's okay so there's two different types of black people there are black people all right what's the second one

but seriously this is my man said my man it well okay if you if you're doing a voice go ahead and drop the n-bomb that's y'all man somebody found out it's a character this is a good search on twitter and then you type in you search for n asterisk asterisk asterisk a and it's all fucking white people being like, where my niggas at? And then they accuse Astrid, they censor it. They're like, no, it's wrong. But then they do it anyways. That's pretty good. That's some extremely good shit.

It is. That's good stuff. I love saying the N-word. I'd like to have the podcast come to just... Just peter out. Just peter out. I gotta... Start off with David Cross.

We used all our energy preparing for that god that was an emotional roller also oh we should let you guys know the coffee machine at the anthony cumia studios is broken yeah so if cpxi wants to get on their don't say the fucking company's name oh sorry if the company Whose studios I use Without them knowing about it Fucking asshole What they're not gonna listen to it

You're right but just don't That guy just blowing popcorn Out of his mouth at home Listening to the podcast My company My company for man children Where they have rock band In the break room

Please don't shit on my employer Mr. Mullen They used to be my employer So I'm allowed to shit on them as a former employee. Me too. Yo, this company fucking fired me. Get this. For being too smart. Have you ever heard of such a thing?

That was the only thing you did wrong. They didn't want you to be the boss. That's the problem. They were threatening. They're like, no, he's boss material. They say he's incompetent, but you know the truth. Is he got too much knowledge Actually I heard Bill Cosby was gonna buy NBC

I don't know if you That's the reason they're taking him down He was gonna buy NBC He was rich enough to buy it Oh I see what happens When you get too powerful I can't stop doing that character The fucking

The conspiracy theory black guy You can be such a shitty comic if you're a black guy. Yeah, you go, woo! You can be, like, such... And it's, like... High energy. Where it's come full circle now. You can be a shitty comic as a white guy.

Yeah, but not with the level of success, I think. Like, you can straight up just be... You can be a road dog as a white guy and be a shitty comic. Yeah, yeah, that's true. You can work, like, you can middle for 20 years. But who wants to do that? But you could be a... You could straight up...

Here's the thing. There are so many guys just doing Richard Pryor's act. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like 70 years later. Yeah. It's like ridiculous. Like, oh, this white guy is like, honey, I think we need to go home and do our taxes.

Yeah. Honey. You can also just be homophobic. You can also just be straight up homophobic. Well, we talked about that on the last one. Oh, that's right. But, no, man, imagine. I wish I, like, that's, I'm envious.

That's the type of privilege in my mind. Oh, yeah. Comedian hack privilege. Do you remember there was, like, six months in comedy where everyone had a Bane joke? Do you remember? Yeah, Oh, yeah. Comedian hack privilege. Do you remember there was like six months in comedy where everyone had a Bane joke? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When we were in the nation. That's right, Professor.

We were talking about, what's his name? Alex. Who? Alex. Alex Starr. Oh, jeez. He always had a Bane part of his. Yes.

I'm out on this, boys. Right. You're worried he's going to beat you up? You've got to stop being worried about people beating you up. Stop. I'm strong. You got to go to the gym. You got to get strong.

You got to fucking watch it on your shoulder. Oh, by the way, I got to see an advanced copy of the fucking Million Dollar Extreme show for Adult Swim. Wait, just the pilot or the whole season? Just the whole season. Nice. Yo, on your computer, how do you have it? Spoil it. No, I'm not going to spoil it. I will say

it's fucking amazing. Yeah, they're fucking hilarious. A guy who, like, knows them had it, and he just showed it to me. Nice. What do you mean? Well, he gave it to me on a USB thing, but I can't, like, put it on the internet or anything. Why should he? I don't even know if I should have said that. You probably shouldn't have. Whatever.

You're a loose cannon. Actually, I lie about the podcast numbers to you guys, so you keep doing this. There's only like 13 people that listen to the podcast. That's true. That's the thing. You ever see those guys? Can we see the numbers? You meet those guys that have a podcast, and it's clearly because they need someone to hang out with them.

Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah, that's sad. They're just straight up catching up. He's like, yeah, so I don't know. It was kind of a boring weekend. Yeah, dude. Yeah, that's sad. They're just straight up catching up. He's like, yeah, so I don't know. It was kind of a boring weekend. There's so many bad podcasts. Unlike ours. Some of them, there's like some of them that are probably pretty fucking good, like Convos with Cosmo.

Right. That you won't hear about until the host murders police officers. So let me tell you something. If you're out there and you're doing bad numbers, you numbers, we're number 25 on the comedy charts on iTunes. So we're doing great. We don't need to kill people. And rising. But let's say you've never even broken the top 150,

which just overtook Rogan, by the way. Too Many White Men, the Phoebe Robinson. Really? Yeah. Is that what it's called? Which is a two dope girls spinoff? No, it's Too Many White Men, which is so funny because the one right under that is the Joe Rogan expression. Too many white men talking for six plus hours.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, so the show is just you're not allowed to have white men on it? Yeah, if you read the description, it's like we're going to get a lot of like sister girls. I'm allowed type of sister. WOCs. I have never listened to Two Dope Girls. It's Two Dope Queens. Two Dope Queens, but I know that it's remarkably popular on the iTunes comedy list.

Well, women listen to it. That's the problem. It's a women listen to podcast. That's the problem. It's a women listen to podcasts. That's the problem. We got to take the podcast. Men do sports. Yeah, we should do sports talk. If the woman stays in the kitchen

and the man plays the video games, that's the rule, bitch. Cook and clean. That's fucking... Do you have a bit like that? Uh-uh. That's good, man. Thanks, dude.

Yeah, see, fellas, we've been playing the video games, don't we? Women, they say cooking, but we? What's that? How long we doing? You can just ask me. You know, I'm trying to be a pro. Just about. Probably going another five minutes or so.

If people want to continue listening. I'm just still so pumped. We had such a good time with David. That was really the best. I mean, this is the best episode. You know what it was? We fucked up with Norton. We didn't prepare.

We weren't ready. But I feel like we just kept the energy up. We had the questions. We legitimately got fucked up. We had bad tech, and then that cell phone tower thing happened. People also on podcasts ask the same questions. I feel like we ask different kind of questions. We ask different kind of questions.

But still kept it topical. We could go the Marc Maron route and just be like- Talk about yourself. Are we okay? What's your jazz like? What's your- So we got this cat in the studio. What's up, cat?

What are you- What kind of cat? What kind of cat are you? That's Maron? That's Marin. That's my Marin. We got a cat in the studio. So how do you feel about my cat's career? How's this cat feel?

Okay, sorry. Electronics. Well, folks, you know, that was another afternoon with the boys. I think I'm allergic to the dog, guys. The cum boys are back. Oh, yeah. You told us. How funny is that?

That's awesome. You fucking nerd. But like dog and you're allergic to it. Yeah. But now if I get it, if I get rid of the dog, everyone's going to think I'm a terrible person. You ever see that Steve Harvey bit where he's talking about Sean Bell and he's like mad about Sean Bell. And he's like, that's why I Sean Bell and he's like mad about Sean Bell and he's like

that's why I don't understand why people are mad about Michael Vick he's like let a man kill some dogs yeah oh yeah Steve Harvey is

the best comedian he's the number one he's so fucking funny what the hell yeah he just fucking he just has the worst takes and

it's the worst opinions possible yeah he's talking about like he's like they mad about Iraq they mad about Afghanistan saying they shooting babies over there shit send me

I'll shoot the fucking baby myself it's like a baby come up on me I'll be like Lord Steve Dunn shot the baby wait a second is that a real bit? Yeah, is that a real bit? He had a bit.

In the Kings. Steve Dunn shot the baby. Is that from Kings? No, it's like some later. It's just like, I don't know. He has like a special that comes out every year. He had this thing. He was doing crowd work on Kings.

At some point, he just like popped his Lego man hair off. He's like, I'm bald now. He had a full head of hair. He must have had a wig his whole career, right? But it was a Lego Man wig. Yeah, like a helmet. And pulled it off and then put... Yeah.

He had a bit where he was doing crowd work in the Kings special to this guy in the front who had braids or something. Looked a little urban. And he's like, what do you do? And he's like, I think he said computers or something. And he's like, you can't even spell computer. And everyone's just a stadium full of people going nuts. And him telling a guy that he's an illiterate.

Yeah, yeah. But that's so me. He's definitely smarter than Steve's an illiterate. Yeah, yeah. But that's so me. He's definitely smarter than Steve Harvey. A guy who's like, yeah. Yeah, gotta drive. He got front row tickets

to a stadium comedy show. He's doing all right. You can't even spell computer. It's so funny, dude. He's so good. So check out the new Steve Harvey

special. Yeah, Family Feud and the special. Thanks for listening. Also check out the first half of this podcast We got David Cross on it Rewind Give that one a listen Give that one a listen baby

Cause we got David Cross coming up In the first half That you've already listened to this podcast Come down bitch out guitar solo I'm sorry. What do you think? Can we get the kids to look? Can we help? Yay!