The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 110 – Punishment

Episode Date: July 7, 2018

You brought this on yourselves

well you got you got your fucking wish um it's me and stop right now you guys happy so are you happy opi and anthony subreddit because a flame was extinguished we're a little late during the episode but you need a couple fucking days off too if you came into your friends your best friends bedroom and you found him with an American flag wrapped around his neck yep suspended suspended from the ceiling jerking on a hard penis mm-hmm blue in the face listening to armstein do host dead dead dead and gone so alright Peter nick a lot of people have sent us messages the last couple days asking if

nick is okay what's been going on a lot of other people have said some pretty touching things about how much he meant to them his comedy meant to how gay he was and how gay he was and how that a little his dick was a lot of the gay guys that he sent the shirtless selfies they're they're out of the closet now are now publicly out and proud and they're also devastated then nick is dead so now they're back in the class so they're back in their way back into the closet but anyway this is the last episode of come town but we're gonna fill our hour so Adam you said they're like a George our banks the guy so yeah

I heard this week that the guy that played George our banks was so devastated by the backlash to his character George our banks the racist Jamaican alien that he tried to kill himself and he came out this week and said this was the place where I almost took my life and he was hugging his son wow so I think that the George our bank story is kind of a good analog to Nick because of course he was understood a misunderstood character well okay before we end come time I guess we should try and do a seance no trying trying channel Nick alright I'm an alietic handle okay dear God please let us

speak to our friend I know he's probably in heaven sucking off everybody there James Dean mm-hmm told me hey everybody it's me set I'm back from Jewish hell Seth how's Jewish hell is Nick there no it's Jewish hell okay it's just me because Jews can't go there so it's only for people that are not technically Jewish they made it just for me interesting it's a hell of one hell for one that's cool I didn't know these fucking talismans were this powerful that we could get set channel seven fire talisman man's got some sick ass talisman yeah we got a we got a talent of a raven anyways that's just a taste of how

bad the show would be yeah yep if these fucking trolls on the opening Anthony subreddit yep don't lay off me all right guys please that's what happens how many times you ask you you think I won't just quit this show you think I won't you think I won't have a fucking breakdown on air and quit the show and start uploading cutting videos try me bitch I got a hole I got a deep soul filled with tears about people criticizing me on the internet that's so fucking true Nick does have all that stuff anyways so here we are folks but a bit of a delayed episode but we're here we're fucking we're sucking yeah I

didn't realize stop it's gonna be that time that's really all that's really all that you don't need to have a fucking temper tantrum because the podcast is two days late yeah well you guys have nothing to do except the podcast stuff has been in no or again sometimes we have things we have to do we actually said it on the last I think probably 11 episodes the stuff would be in Portland Oregon and guess what the boy did it I was there thank you to everyone who fucking came out there was some hard dick show at all first of all I was like well you only work two days a week and he said but yeah over five years I mean

I never held a job longer than three months in my life this is your one or two I had long jobs but at least once a month I'd not show up to work of course you know so you spread that out over six months yeah and then it's like kind of the same failure rate they're like oh well don't you get paid enough it's like what do you think that money goes to you know the God of War shit that makes you not want to do exactly I would rather I finally had some time to enjoy myself and play the new God of War on the hardest difficulty setting how the second to heart not the complete yeah like legendary or whatever it's not the

God of War mode but the one just right below which is honestly the heart really harder because you're not you're relaxed exactly not prepared you're not expecting it to be hard but it's really casual gamers and there's hardcore game casual gamers maybe they have a girlfriend or something hardcore gamers completely nude and when you factor that in your dick into your own ass which is easy anyways welcome back to come town everybody to show her things that are bad or gay and things that are good or extremely straight yeah that's so true no I wait I love these some company made goldfish but the rabbits they got

like a little bit of a hint of cheddar I think it's Annie's that company Annie yes the organic shout out to tranny's rabbit gold tranny's rabbit cheddar shout out to everyone in Portland Seattle for real that shit rocked bro have you guys ever been to those cities I think I've been a little Orleans yeah yeah yeah she ruled yeah I liked Portland I almost moved there my wings a lot I was moved to Portland yeah after Austin and it was like when I just stay in Austin it's the same place yeah yeah with less sun with less sun and less jobs mm-hmm but yeah it doesn't seem like there's any reason

for people to be there besides good as hiking very chill it's chill dude I'm not gonna go hiking with Bobby at a weekend hung out with Bobby in Austin mm-hmm yeah we weren't got barbecue that's cute yeah he's a fun guy yeah Bobby rules big fat so though yeah I know big old fat though you heard it here first what kind of barbecue we went to well we went down a lock hard and the plan usually when I go down there is you go to Croix's then blacks and smitties and you get some barbecue from all three I love that cuz you know bang bang you don't know which one's gonna be good different people who's got yes but

Chris Chris market is like right off the fucking highway so you end up going there and it's like let's just eat here that happens to me every single time oh really so you haven't you didn't triple up no you went to Croix I got it like a hundred dollars worth of barbecue we ate it and then there's like $30 left and I go get a box and Mike Suarez throws the shit out what he just throws out like probably a pound and a half what the fuck yeah of good meat yes I'm fucking incensed right now I it was insane what the fuck yeah I want to eat that fucking barbecue right now what a fucking brisket yeah brisket prime rib prime rib

dude good fucking 20 $21 a pound oh my fucking god yeah Mike's gotta go dude we gotta he's gonna send his ass back to San Antonio but to get the sniper out yeah it's like to be a red dot on that motherfucker's forehead sniper rifle that's illegal in Texas yeah that's how I feel like Texas if they're gonna continue to execute retarded people they should do it by sniper rifle yeah why not don't don't involve them in the trial you release them on their own recognizance they're like no scooter everything everything's fine that lady came back you know they just taped her neck back together she's fine okay and

they're like now go play and then you know fucking mile and a half away Chris Kyle all those different types of assembling those like blindfolded assembling the sniper rifle always has the blindfold on until he's ready to shoot of course and then he lifts his eyes take Calibri he looks directly into the Chuck E cheese front row in the room where the band is playing and then head shot yeah head shot and all you see is a fine mist of pink-ass blood on the head shot and then and sour patch kids and blood on the back after he realizes boy slow motion the bullet pressing through that retarded guy's head Texas

style it bounces back it's thick his skull is too thick a lone-star state it's an illegal immigrant child nice dude ice day reference take that ice yeah you know what legalize how about we legalize ice is right the terrorists fuck ice though real we got him yeah you know I mean Adam will fuck you up in a fucking fist fight vanilla ice that guy yeah out of here that guy's a real real piece of dog shit in terms of does vanilla ice try to claim like he's like I was the first wigger that was like my thing that I invented now that's a tale as old as

time dude it is yeah Al Jolson jazz guys I guess yeah yeah those were the first way there was a there was also do-op guys all the all the like Greeks that went into Africa you know geometry everyone that learns geometry that's the first wigger do yeah yeah Archimedes dark dark communities what's up bitch I'm dork comedies dork comedies dork more comedies I don't even know what the fuck Archimedes did how about I said a morgan Mindy it's a show called dark and Mindy and it's the 70s still so it's a show about a black man dating a white woman and people are like what what is that an alien yeah no it's just a black

guy mm-hmm they would treat yeah more hey honestly more could probably get better fucking treatment if you think about it mm-hmm in the 70s as a black guy mm-hmm wait did it were they mean to morgue I don't remember I never watch I mean now I can't none here it is like a california black I work in Mindy is my man morgue morgue his girl Mindy her name's Mandy show about the guy named Mark and Mandy black people for me and yeah I'm watching morgue and Mindy no man morgue and Mindy it's a different show fuck yeah boy so how's how's the I've missed you guys in New York been without me I refuse to be missed I've we miss

we all missed each other tremendously we were only in New York for like two days before you or I guess and they got back on Sunday so oh yeah we all yeah we all did split I got Bobby's for a barbecue when I got back that's nice I haven't really even been back yeah once you have a barbecue that set you back like what three days yeah yeah this is like dude I had those steak tips that he loves them shits dude they're amazing they're so fucking good it's just some weird cut that only some fucking butchery and fucking Boston does these sirloin steak tips and they're like fucking marinated and some weird shit

it's so good what is it I just I know it's tip of your dick it's it's steak tip mm-hmm your dick is made of steak tips I don't know it's some part of the rib or some shit I don't fucking know dude maybe the fucking shoulder blade it's fucking ribs no sirloin steak tips sir okay nevermind yeah now I had like three hamburgers a bunch of those fuck yeah dude cuz I go for for the lot of people don't realize this I can eat I can fucking put away food I just don't yeah you know but sometimes I just take the you know safety off oh yeah take the governor safety off yeah fucking gun in the pussy fire away bro I relapsed

hard as fucking fucking Seattle next time you do that it should be me and you yeah let's go yeah I'm still in the midst of it did you guys get dinner after this I'm down again do you want to I gotta pick up my laundry and then let's find a buffet man I don't know if I go let's go to Flushing Queens no cuz if I go hard I want to go hard were you trying to go horde then okay you know what please don't plan this I'm not planning it because the last time bro I said fucking bullshit new to play that place so I just wanted to have that adventure yeah I just wanted to have an adventure no I gotta hear with that

bullshit people love saying that that word adventure no they got on tin when I was on Tinder this is a classic Adam bit people love saying adventure the premises they love saying it's true okay that word is used too much example number one on Tinder I was like I'm I'm open to adventure wait hold on you're using Tinder again no I'm not cheating on this is fucked up I would be a fool to cheat on Dasha and I have publicly stated that if we break up I will be hooking up with Alexandria Ocasio Cortez is it Ocasio wow dude sexualizing I thought it was like young woman I'm just saying that we probably have a lot in

common we're both no intellect you're stupid as shit we're both you're ugly we're both inspiration we've only harmed the world she's helping couple we're both what's the tour and I gg x that was my favorite I think it's Latin x-nick I thought when you can't tell what type of dark that's what black Dominicans are called David Ortiz that Dominican guy that looks exactly like LeBron yeah dude that shit is so funny may I more live wrong yeah okay anyway I'm not sexualizing or I just think that yeah it's fucked up you think she's only a fucking her or Emily a sex a sex tree uh what's her name

Alex txta ashlex x delays as sex säger x and else at Crime and so many turn out xander and Bendre Alex extra AS a irritation can uh can ice lick sexy等 rechts suck dick you say that's hard to say That's a hard name to say. Yeah, no wonder she won the election. Yeah. Anyway, we're the number one Shots out to shots out of the lift Alex and shots out to Amber Tamblyn for having the goof of the week our new segment Oh, that was awesome number one. You drive your fucking ices out watch out for your house keepers No, no, that wasn't no that wasn't her that was that was some other white bit. That was some dumb shit Look, we're coming for white women on this spot. Oh, yeah, you know white men were the worst. No, they got all the right

White man. Yeah, those are the bad gay white men are the best because they're gay white men are like Darth Vader Basically, yeah, well in what sense they're allowed to be extremely powerful Is this because you started a secret gay snapchat and they're the most people that are paying your bills No, it's because like they're beyond criticism, but unlike white women they do have like real power and that most of them are very rich and Own a shit ton of real estate in San Francisco Basically every gay white man has at least four or five problems. That's true. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely They're all drug lords. No, no, no nicks on to something. They're only they're all drug lords at four homes. Yeah, many of them What drugs are like besides poppers which are legal many of them are on local liquor boards

Which gives them a lot of power in the community. Yeah, they're like the Nucky Thompson. Mm-hmm. Yeah Yeah, have you seen that movie milk, dude? Yeah, that dude was all about it's about gay guys Replacing milk with come with come and turning a bunch of a whole generation. That's mom. I'd like to come Harvey Anyways Yes, go ahead. Yeah goof of the week first. She criticizes Maxine waters for endorsing a white man over a black woman Only problem she had with her incredible, but yes, just that she's wait. What was that?

All I know is Maxine waters told people to be rude to people in rest Yeah, Maxine waters rocked for that one and she told him to shoot her Yeah, yeah, just some old bitch telling you go ahead motherfucker shoot me It doesn't she's like we're representative of like South Central LA, right? Yes. Yeah, I Anyways, so she's yeah goes in on Maxine watch it. I need to talk about Maxine waters For not blindly endorsing a black woman. Yeah, just that's it. That's how far. I don't know Iyana some Iyana dookie Iyana dookie for and she didn't give her she didn't endorse her for seller spots Anyways, so that was a great and then you know, then she accidentally summoned black girl magic

And I went in on amber for hell. Yeah, so then amber a tamblin apologizes saying you're absolutely right I have no right to question Mm-hmm a perfect black right mistress A gorgeous somebody holding public office. Yeah, if they're black have is no accountability So she did something stupid then apologized for the wrong thing Yeah, and then when the apology didn't work now. She's claiming. She's getting death threats Which probably fake because there's no I mean there's nothing on Twitter. Yeah, like yeah, you know, that's all publicly searchable She's like did I say the death threats were on Twitter?

No, because I said it. It's a different one. Yeah, you can't sir. We're sending you fucking telegrams. Yeah Different letters cut out from magazines. Yeah untraceable So apologizes for the wrong thing and then when that doesn't doesn't work makes yourself the victim So that's the goof of the week and then she made and then David Cross made a statement friend of the show Maybe former friend of the show made a statement that he's now having to revise She's make she's makes him. She's making him revise all of his racism and problematic That's that's gay. She's making him sit in a room 15 years ago We said in the room and think about all the bad

I said when he says like a walk-in wall to Charlene Yee, you know the fuck Pretty solid which is a good point eyes back. I think we should say publicly David Cross at Chinese Kurt Cobain It's us or her, right? Are we gonna say that what? Oh making David Cross pick between us or amber? Yeah, I think that's fair. Yeah, sure. Yep. Yeah, David. You you have 24 hours 24 hours So from when this podcast goes up, which let me give you a little hint right now I did you know how the episode was two days late if you choose amber. Guess what? We're never doing this show. Yep Mm-hmm. That's right. Dave. So it's a force. I will kill myself And the show and it's gonna be on you and the opiate Anthony subreddit. Yep

So don't do it guys and I know where you got married and it was at my Jewish summer camp. It was yeah How do you know that they rented it out? In upstate, New York. Yeah, I'm pretty cool. Big Brad. Have you ever been rented out? I have been do it in your asshole. Yeah, is that what has that been rented out? I wasn't awake, so Oh, yeah, you really remember. Yeah, you were your eyes were open Anyway, you ever see that freaky shit where someone will fucking fall asleep with their eyes open I hate that my dog does that that's fucked up, dude Anytime anyone fucking falls asleep with their eyes open. You should be able to slap the fuck out of them

Yeah, that's my tape. I want to get another eyeball put in my ass I just write my asshole. Oh, no, man. The all-seeing eye. Yeah, you can look at it. I just stick my ass out of a tower I have a big tower Silence Ever seeing the village Yeah, the the Lord speaks Silence They worship a deity, which is an asshole eye

Mm-hmm. Yeah, imagine your ass. Well, how would you shit in it into a scope of a sniper? I'd be a wizard overseeing. Oh, you would never shit in a town of dwarves with my ass Okay, all right, that's how you know I've been playing too much God of War An ogre whose face is an ass with an eyeball on it Oh, so have you actually been going in on God of War? Oh, yeah, it's great. It's actually said it wasn't good Um, no, I didn't say that. It's a little overrated. Maybe I don't like uh, I don't like the one-shot camera I think that's a bad idea cameras too close and all the like you just get hit from behind all the fucking time And people are like, oh, well, you know, you suck at the game. It's like well, I was fine at the other God of War

I don't know I did to change something that wasn't broken. Is it online or is it a story? Um I don't know what that means A multiplayer game? No, no, no, it's a story. You just play through the campaign Yo, George So I was hanging out with my friend George in Seattle in Portland. My man got a switch that zelda game looks fun Yeah, I want to get it. I want to get it for the plane to australia. I did get a switch. Are we going australia? What's going on? We are we are okay. Nice. Yeah, no those tickets are posted. Oh, fuck. Yeah, they fixed the dates

They didn't change them. They fixed them. They fixed the original. Yeah, nice. I can't wait. I have a switch I just bought one. We should all get one and then uh not talk to each other and play mario tennis against each other No, dude. What we should play is over baked. What's over cooked? No, I'm that that's my one opportunity to get back into reading No, dude, we're gonna read so many goddamn books on that page. I just gotta bet you're not 42 hours I bet you won't. Yes, I will. No. Yes, I will. I just bought a book Um that max recommended and I'm really stoked to read it called 14 How to how to live when your friend adam is gay the novel

Yeah, but I'm reading a different book called 1488. What's that? It's about how to deal with you. What's that? What is that number? Can you tell me some easy real world solutions? Yeah, what keeping your community safe and pure? What what is that? It's kind of like a it's kind of like a neighborhood planning book It's like an urban plan. It's like an urban planning book. Yeah, and in certain ways. Yeah, I read it No Oh, well anyway, let's book 1491. There's all these people email. It's pretty cool. Is the show officially over now I guess somebody said that the show's I said it was canceled today. Oh, did you?

Yeah, because like 5,000 people were at at replying my cool world cup tweets I think post the episode bug and all this stuff. So I just told them the show was canceled That's good because I'm uh, I'm an agent. You're a fucking pranks or deal I'm the one who knocks Knock on my nuts. I'm knocking your pay for doing that. Did you see there was a picture of fran dresser with her titties out Like she's oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that was incredible, bro. You go girl. I am so I was hard at shit looking at that Yeah, I wouldn't beat off probably but I was around her and serand in or like those two

Susan to get a grand dresser Dude, he's rest Fran is looking good as fuck like Susan seran is hot old lady hot with those big old ladies She's probably gonna suck But this shit this particular picture fran was looking straight up good for any age fran was in spinal tap She's been around forever. Is this it? No, no, that's not it. No, but that there's just some Italian woman just fucked up floppy titties Is this is this the one? Oh, yeah

Yeah I love those fake ones man. They're just smiling hard It's like it's looking from a paparazzi photo of them bringing their child to school And then they cut their head off that picture and put it on it's just surrounded by cocks And the lighting's always so much better on the things Um, no, yeah, she was in an outfit. I don't know dude, but I was like Like god fucking damn that this week too fran mr. Chef fran. Let me eat that pussy Let me slide

Let me slide my tongue Where is this picture? I don't know. I'm on the news tab on google and I put in fran dresser tits I don't think that'll do don't do tits. That's not newsworthy language fran dresser. It would say breasts or no They wouldn't they would just say fran dresser She she she wasn't wearing a bra and she was her body was looking a right right and tight I would honestly just beat you to a pulp atom to have sex with fran dresser Obamacare not even to have you'd her in cancer detection. No, that's not it Just look up fran dresser sexy. You know what? I can't find it

Anyways, so Yeah, dude, I would love to fuck fran dresser. What did you guys do for the solstice? Dude, just me and a couple boys got together got the crystals out. You know what? I think I'm done with fireworks, too Oh, yeah, bold proclamation. I didn't even go. I got bored. I didn't even go see him Oh, I sat in my apartment all day. I went to my rich youtuber friends apartment Um and watch them putie pie roof. Yeah, it's beauty. You went to putie pie's apartment No, my friend just started this youtube channel like a year ago and now he's like a millionaire Nice. Um, sounds stupid. It was kind of stupid. He has a telescope in his living room

Did you look at the fireworks through the telescope? No, we looked on his room. It's for finding Adam's day Why were you nervously laughing is it because it's true your dick is small it's not a telescope. It's a microscope. Hey Dude don't make us pull your dick out right now use the wrong word Don't make us pull your dick out and suck it to show you who's boss Which I will do that's what that show. Who's the boss is about Tony Tony Danza. What are you doing? Come on. Don't do that to me Every character sucks his dick. That's a fun show grown italian men being sexually molested. That is pretty good Because it's not it's funny. It's a grown man

You know what I mean? Yeah, especially in italian. It's not it's not a sex crime if it's a grown man No, that's what the omerita is if you get uh, if you get molested as an adult man, you're not allowed to snitch That's how they get you into the mafia. Yeah, it's a blowbang. You get sexed in. Yeah, he gets sexed in like the crips do women apparently Yeah, which that's how you do camaraderie. Everyone gets a little piece of that pussy And then they know they can trust you film review time folks I saw the first the first purge yesterday. Was it good in the theater With uh, dasha. Was it good? But they re-released the purge. It's the first purge It is the one of the biggest one of the gayest movies biggest piece of shit

Well, yeah, it's all the same, but it wasn't like fun piece of shit. It was just like uh, this sucks um, it was like very clearly a cast of black people uh with a Script with a lot of AAVE that was very obviously written by a white person. It was like now you and oh gee You know like that was like the whole dialogue um Yeah, the story is that the first purge took place on statin island Oh, nice and you got paid to be part of the purge

But then uh, I don't want to do a spoiler because I got in trouble last time I did a spoiler But the one thing I will say is that they completely ignored the italian population of statin island And they made it just sound like an island of black people and I was very there weren't any mafiosas I was very offended on behalf of all italians on satin island that they were not represented Uh in the first purge and I I just want to publicly state that they should they should be ashamed of themselves for cultural erasure Okay noted duly noted. This is the the original purge. The first purge is the fourth purge movie There's been four fucking purge movies. They're fun movies fourth The premise is you get to do whatever crime you want. Yeah, what purge?

What kind of it's all like just make nine versions of that and it's all juggalo kind of mask. Is there ever a guy just uh It feels like we've made a joke about a guy downloading child pornography during the purge. Yeah, we've done that for sure I'll tell you I watched last night the other sister Nice, uh, which is funny because I didn't realize it at the time but Uh, did you go down a retarded one? No, that's riding the bus with my sister a lot of sister movies that are about retards sister act Oh, just no we did that already too Anyways I didn't realize fucking Sean Penn and in I am Sam is just doing Juliette Lewis and the other sister

He's not doing an impression of any retarded person. I've ever seen and then they made the mistake of casting I mean again, we've already talked about this but actual retarded people in the movie the other sister. They don't do that It's just Giovanni Robiso. He's Italian, but not retarded so close enough Did you know that Sean Penn is actually named after his father Sean Penn And uh, he's actually the 14th in line Of he's the 14th Sean Penn. So his son Sean Penn the 15th will technically nice pen 15. Nice That's great. Um, that's uh

Good man, that's uh That's really good. Yeah, Penn 15. It must be a lucky name, you know, if he's feeling lucky he should go gamble Yeah, he should bet on it. He should bet at bettheside.com A website where you can gamble that's been in business for over 20 years You can't go to the bathroom because you have to be here for this. So sit the fuck down, please Oh, I got a prediction actually. Yeah Anyways, they got an easy to use mobile playing interface. You play when you get paid a great mobile app too So you can use it anywhere

It'll offer live in-game wage rings so you can make plays throughout the entire game change your bet, you know reneg Just yeah Reneg or whatever He just said a word. I just said a word. It's a word anyways I play there myself and I recommend bettheside if you want to add a little excitement to your life Uh, and you go run out of poppers That's right. That's right. You put the poppers down. You've had enough

Try and seal up that gaping asshole. K-sex fugues Take a little rent a car and just go fuck guys and Cleveland. Anyways, uh, good. You bet the si you can bet on everything Even if you don't like sports, they got live events that you can bet on, you know, stuff like, uh Stuff like the world cup that's going on right now. That is sports. Stuff like the end is sports. Oh live events. Um, Um, like, uh, the what what other events are the cherry blossom cherry blossom You can bet on how beautiful will they be beautiful the trees very or not that beautiful Yeah, well, how many japanese people will show up to the cherry blossom festival? Well, anyone commits sepicoot, which is weird because it's like you gave them to us

Just stay in fucking japan and look at yours motherfuckers Don't be an indian. Go bet on kabuki plays. That's right. Go see a kabuki playing. Yeah, just Just point at people and say, well, how many what do you want to bet? Yep, you know, you can go over to bet the si.com put some money on that's right any kabuki play They will take money you can bet on injuries in games. That's pretty fun. It is fun. That's you know, completely moral You can rule against yeah, you find a player whose child has cancer. Yeah, you bet on when that player's child is going to die That's cool. That's cool. That's a fun way To make money. Oh, yeah

So once again, go to bet the si.com and use promo code C. U. M. That's capital C. Lorca's U. M. 25 and get a free $25 wage. You're on the house. Hell, yeah And 200 extra bonus when you deposit bang rush in the world cup. I'm telling you They keep fucking winning. They keep when it's fixed. It's fucking rigged the luck of the russian's pick of the day My pick is obviously I'm going with Jolly old Ingerland Yeah, football is coming home boys. I like what people expect russians not to lie As if that's not just I know the biggest part of the culture. They love lying and cheating. Yeah, except for one russian

That's my girlfriend. No, she's the only she's very they're honest. Actually. Yeah. No, there's not a lot of lying and cheating It is fine. They are like uniquely untrustworthy It's in their blood. Yeah, there's not a respect that about that. They don't even have a word for honesty. You know that, right? Yeah, they don't have a word for integrity. They don't they have seven words for loan shark in their language But not one for that's what I really like about them. They're like our cousins Anyways bet the aside comm use promo code capital C lowercase um 25 and you get a free $25 wager And a 200 extra bonus. Damn that rocks. Yep That fucking rocks. I haven't been watching any world cup. I feel like a damn bitch. I watched today. I watched brazil

I've been doing drugs like a motherfucker, dude I've done acid in mushrooms. I haven't done anything I thought you know because we had a couple extra days that there would be all this shit to talk about but really I just stayed barbecue and went to a hotel pool and watched the other sister What hotel pool did you go to? Did you get a nice tan? It's a fucking hotel pool in Austin in the city Oh, Bobby's hotel at a hotel pool. Nice. Did you kiss Bobby? I did in the hotel pool. He's got great lips, doesn't he? Yeah, well the gift of gab comes with great lips. Bobby's got a really good look, don't you think? I think so. Great look. Personally, I do. He's great. Bobby was trying to make fun of Mike Suarez

And he pulls up a picture of a blob fish on his phone. He's like, doesn't he look like this? And the phone is in between Michael and Bobby And Bobby looks way more like a blob fish That's exactly I Yeah, I guess it looks like Michael kind of looks like an owl. He does look like an owl. Yep. That owl that eats candy to attract children

The Tootsie Roll Pop Owl? The Tootsie Roll Owl. I'll never forgive him for fucking throwing away that fucking barbecue, dude Yeah, that makes me so fucking mad. Oh, yeah. No, he's a he's a he's a real piece of shit Fucking piece of shit, Mike. He's what we call a piece of shit in the business Yeah Do you want to do a memorial to your favorite comedian? Nanette To nanette and Hannah Gatsby. Oh, yeah, I mean Sean Rouse. I watch this thing nanette Yeah, r.i.p. Sean Rouse my favorite comic in dc dies and now it's my favorite comic Who uh, oh, well Dylan. Well, not my favorite comic. I mean, I was friends with the guy

I just thought he was probably the best. It's very funny. I said I'm on records. You're on record I did say that and then Sean Rouse. I've said numerous times. It's my favorite comedian A lot of people are just playing. Guess what I said was my favorite subreddit The Open Anthony Guess who's got a curse coming The curse of the mole dog. That's right I did read a very nice touching Obituary from that stan hope wrote where he called him the best comedian no one knew about or whatever

But it was very well written and very sweet. If you guys Whatever cool, man. Yeah, cool that joke about the the boy whore dying in the tsunami. Okay. Well, we already said r.i.p Sean so we don't need this. Yeah, we're gonna have to drag this out time is precious. Anyway, you guys want to talk about This show is going smooth as hell You guys want to talk about nanette? No, we already talked about nanette. Did we? No, we haven't I like to call her vanette Because with that ass she looks like a fucking conversion. Ha ha What do you got a goddamn RV in those pants? Yeah, here's some other names I've been workshopping for with Waldo

How about that whose wall? Yeah Go off. Yeah, um more. Yeah Um, I don't know. I mean, there's a lot of problems with nanette. Did you watch I just read I watched the trailer I watched the special. I watched. Yeah. I watched the whole wait. Are you for real? Yeah. Well, I mean, everybody's I just watched the trailer with stop and we were both first of all You're a professional comedian. You should be watching every special that comes out. I have been I I watched a couple This is your I mean you're I watched presumably involved in this business. You should be I watched Tim's uh 15 minutes

But but nanette is not a comedy special. Let's say one woman. They ended at Tim weird. He comes off weird in that Yeah, it was kind of it's way too. He's way too eager and that's not how Tim that's not Tim's Yeah, that it did feel different to him life. Yeah, but uh, Congrats to Tim our friend. Yeah, that's how Timmy um But uh, yeah, but it's not right. It's not as comedy special. She's a one woman show, right? I mean, I guess Were there punchlines?

There were I mean, it's it's like, you know, it just seems like shitty Australian comedy But then there's a whole section there about how she was raped. Yikes. Oh, that's what it's about. Yeah, she's like men write me Always right. Oh, jeez. Yeah. Yeah. I don't trust me because I write me It's like don't do it in a funny voice. Did you say? Yeah, exactly if you want us to take you seriously Yeah, that's fucked up. Yeah, did she say the n-word or she did implied it. I mean, we all know what she means by men I The whole pack of it They were wilding out

Yeah A whole pack of men Wilding a bunch of they were they will kind of a wilding. Well, she is from Tasmania Is really? Yeah, that's where they're making That's where they come from Damn, dude, we're gonna be banned from the country before we probably I'm sure Isn't all I should like except for jim. It is funny. Everyone is bad. It is funny to imagine to imagine then at like Just, you know, she's just going about her day or whatever in Tasmania

And then there's like a little a little tornado that comes up and she just gets sucked into the tornado And then the tornado leaves and her hair is all fucked up and she's covered in Oh Well, that's how it happened in Tasmania. Wow Look, I'm just pitching. Yeah jokes for her to use that would have been a good one. Yeah, it would have been a good one Well, you know, I'm from Tasmania. Yeah. So, you know, it happens there A real devil that guy, you know, he was a devil a bad guy Um, is Tasmania in australia then?

No, I think it's like it's an island off the coast of australia, but it's part of australia Yeah, and Tasmania real Tasmanian devils are like little fucked up dogs. Yeah, they're like wolverines. Yeah. Yeah, they're like Yeah, it's pretty cool Well, I'm mad you guys didn't go with me on the little tornado bit. Yeah, no, I thought it was People are gonna get upset about that. I thought it was a great all of us to participate in it instead of just me No, well, I'm good. I I had Adam's jealous of the way she gets comedy. I was wearing flip flops Adam, maybe you should get a big wide ass like that and that would help your

My career. Yeah. Well, people do like their comics for the record. I'm not body shaming or those pants for a mistake to wear Especially what kind of pants would she wear? Well, her pants were too tight But they're being like sucked into her ass And then they keep shooting her from behind. Yeah, and it looks like her pants are just a real Wait, so the whole stuff on her ass Most of it. Yeah, most of the weight is so it was a shot. It was shot ass first. It was I see I think that's a mistake for a comedy comedy special You're gonna want to see the face

I would I do that do a comedy special and then it keeps showing from behind and my pants and shirt are taught Are shoved into my ass Hahaha, just soft way in the way. Yeah. Well, you got to press two for english It would be great to just have yeah, your ass is completely visible There's a hole cut in your pants and the actual shirt is literally just completely fucking dildoed up your ass Why did you see the cheeks? I didn't care to investigate it, but it seemed like jake was getting into fights with people about nanette on twitter or something Yeah, i'm sure everybody wants to fight about it

I don't know because it's either you're in two camps You're either on a new york comic and you have to say it's bad Or your los angeles comic and you have to pretend like you fucking had like some sort of emotional breakthrough watching Yeah, they're like wow this changed how I thought about comedy forever I used to think it was about using mannerism tricks and singing your punchlines right um Talking about go boss. I thought I thought it was saying so that's a thing

So instead of actually having any sort of joke really But instead it's just recounting your trauma to a theater full of people Yeah, but in it like I didn't see it obviously, but it seemed like it was like done like she's doing a special and then she's like, you know what? Never mind, but like if it was spontaneous in a single performance Then that would be like, okay. She's like breaking the whole The whole format how the fuck are you gonna do that if you're doing that night in and night out like you know what never Then it's just contrived and student. Of course. Well, it's a performance. I mean every I mean, yeah

We're not yet. That's not a knock on but of all the ways to criticize Like it was spontaneous, but it turns out she wrote her materials Don't understand comedy Do we just come up with all that stuff on the fly? No, I came to the early show and that was all the same shit That's not what I was saying No, what I'm saying is is that it's presented as she's going to be doing an hour of comedy And then she like pulls the rug by stopping doing the comedy Like spawned and it's supposed to feel like spontaneous. No, I don't know the fucking that's what I haven't even seen it

I haven't seen it. So what are we even talking about? I don't know I just see the trailer and she said that people people think she looks like a like a bloke Which was Pretty funny pretty good. Yeah You know what I look like and then she did that for she did like a Cameron Esposito People think I'm a like Yeah, that's the thing is like I really don't understand how what she does is any different than what Cameron Esposito does In fact, let me actually let me see if Cameron said that she likes name that because I feel like she would hate it

That's true. Do you think Cameron Esposito is like stepping on my, she's got to be pissed on my turf on my On my turf of shitty comedy. Yeah Um, I would be and I mean, I don't know Cameron Esposito. I don't know her fucking emotional state, but I would imagine Because all of these people were self-serving fucking narcissists. Anyways I would uh Yeah One of her friend dresses up to right now. I wonder if her fucking old titties are out

Yeah, why are you getting up and walking and how much how sweet they would taste? What's the oldest titty you've ever sucked at him? Um My mom no, no, no, no, no, I guess sexually Sexually, what's the oldest titty you ever sucked and how did it feel? I had sex with You know, I don't know if I've I've it not that old Not that old. Yeah me neither. I'm curious. Yeah, I'm curious if it's like beef jerky if titties get gamey

No, everything yet. If they I mean they've been sucked on a lot even if you don't have kids if you if you're fucking your whole life You'd imagine your titty is getting sucked You know On average. Yeah, I don't see any tweets here about nanette. Now granted. This is only going back to june 29th Didn't it just come out though? Um, no it came out last week. It did Yeah, just search Search nanette nanette camera. That's I mean, I'm sure that she has to have like one obligatory Now that's good, but the amount of tweets about her own special

That's so funny. It's you know, it's like, you know, she's mad. Uh, yeah, for sure. She's gotta be mad Yeah, yeah Because this honesty doing something like this is kind of like what her whole career has been building up to I know and you know what? It's like that actually Yeah, yeah, yeah Shout out to nanette by cucking the american fucking version of her salute I feel like camera's probably sitting around just pissed off going she's not even hispanic Well, isn't that what you tried to do with rape jokes?

Doesn't she have a special cold? Yeah, she has a special by rape jokes people aren't talking about because people are talking about nanette. Yeah, damn Damn, you think cameras? Run the hit on nanette Dude, why is it called nanette? Her name is hannah. They explain it. No, that's a problem right there, bro Right there. I don't like that. Your name. I'm not gonna watch it. Name your special hannah. Hannah. Yeah, nanette. The fuck does that mean? That means I'm calling you nanette little I don't know. I kind of zoned out here and there while watching it because I was

Looking up the different types of wheat things on wikipedia. Oh, what kind are there? Is there like a sour cream and onion? No, they got there's rosemary. They got this sun-dried tomato and like basil one now. Is that good? It's good, but it fucks up your breath, dude. I can imagine it's fucking. Yeah, honestly sounds like the pain is worth the pleasure if you ask me I would love that. Yeah, it's like having sex. Yeah Oh, yeah, the pain is worth the pleasure. Yeah, it hurts my penis to have It does literally hurt my delicate. No, Joggy hurts my penis about 30 percent of the times I have sex does it Yeah, dude, my fucked up force. Yeah, haven't you been working on it? No, dude. I got lazy. Okay. Yeah, you know Look, dude, I straight up. I'm back at June 14th now. Not a single fucking tweet about nanette

Damn, yeah, what about a wife? Um, there are people I just searched both their names There are people that are saying if you like nanette, you should check out Cameron Esposito's rosaries. Those are bots Yeah, those are just lesbian women. Yeah, that's probably true. Oh, that is so funny, dude That is hilarious Yeah, that is I wish I wish this wasn't such a low-energy podcast that I could get excited about I'm actually legitimately very stoked. I know that's so funny. It rocks That's that's an Esposito hates a nanette and that is actually a big scoop of our part

Yeah, we just cracked the code. What about her girlfriend Ria? What's her wife, dude? Her wife First of all, that's her name isn't Cameron Esposito's wife. She's a human rights. Yeah She's her name is Amal Clooney Damn, I want to be some fucking successful woman's little bitch. First of all, her name is Jamal Clooney She's a six foot seven black man that pegs George Clooney She's not George Clooney's wife. She's a black man She's my her name is Michael Jamal Murray Kareem Abdul Jamar Clooney

Clooney's probably gay, right? Yeah Wait, he's probably gay. Yeah, you're listening to the George Clooney podcast. This is George Clooney You're listening to get a Clooney the George Clooney podcast. He said he met his wife through his agent Yeah, which is how a gay man meets. Oh, absolutely. Yeah Yeah, I had my agent I had my agent assign the wife to me basically from Africa How are you for real? You guys think he said that on letterman? I didn't until he said that on letterman Yeah, that's the first of all stave is dumb as fuck and doesn't know a single thing about anything besides who's gay and who has sex

The only thing he fucking knows So I will always Thank you defer to stave on issues. Well, I never thought he was gay because I thought like You know, I did think he does the exact measurements of everyone's cock who's gay because he used to fuck stacey keepler And that's a not gay man selection. Yeah, that's that's a horny straight man selection. You know, I did you know I'll tell you I'll tell you what's the selection for both gay and straight men Is Mack Weldon underwear the greatest No matter what your entire life goes into why don't you take your fucking underwear you're wearing off right now

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You just gave some russian guy 300 million bitcoin But with fucking Mack Weldon. Yeah, if those underwear don't feel good on your bitch's pussy She can fucking you go ahead and keep them. They'll send you a fucking refund. Yeah, you call them up say my bitch pussy smell bad And I think it's I think it's from the underwear And they'll refund your ass At macwellon.com What's the code? What's the code? The promo code come town. C-u-m-t-o-m-t-o-w-n Use that promo code get yourself a little discount. Check out those fucking underwear

Mack Weldon our loyal sponsor. We love them salute salute salute to the warriors. Yeah at fuck sucked in put them on your bitch Every time we do something as dumb as that I just think of those two dads with that podcast in the Midwest that are like What the hell are they doing? You know on my way back to New York I flew from Portland to New York. I stopped and I fucked those guys in the ass. Chicago Are they from there? Yeah, I told them to meet me Chicago and I told them never disrespect me and then I sucked both their dicks to completion Just as a little now I have a little piece of them

Always because I swallowed their nut as well So I just want you guys to know I'm out there defending our honor and if anybody says anything about our podcast being bad You got a date with my mouth. You're cock my mouth I'm almost I'm tempted. I'm tempted to just just say that that just really just go hard defending the Annette now because of out of spite We got to do it. We're putting Annette. You should I mean honestly if you have to compare the two I'm gonna get at speeds a million times better. I'm sure. Yeah, and there really is only room for one. Yeah, of course. Mm-hmm camera Esposito sucks

She fucking sucks Yeah, I'm going on record damn Adam going. I like the I like the new Adam that Adam that takes risks taking stands Well, he you know, he's got the same body type And there can only be one the same haircut same haircut But I don't have Gets his ass eaten the same way. I don't have the fucking side mullet. Both George Clooney's wife. I think pretty much every time I've seen I've seen her do anything in stand-up. She's been like Uh, I got like a side mullet. Yeah that yes

If you haven't guessed I'm a lesbian and I got a side mullet and go off go off. Keep going keep going go off princess Keep going young lord Keep going man. Let's we're trying to get rant Adam to be a big part of the show Adam Rant. She's not half the comic that I'll tell you go off the rent boy becomes the rant boy Yeah, no stay on Cameron leave time alone. Yeah, she's never what else price on the price. What about the way she dresses? Yeah, or I don't care how she dresses Heck come on dude. Come on say bad stuff about Cameron Esposito. What about the fact that she's a lesbian?

You say that talk about there's nothing wrong with her being a lesbian. Go on record There are plenty of comedians that are gay that don't talk about how talk about how it's bad I don't think it's a shit. Say it's a natural. Say it. Tim's gay. Just one time, but he doesn't Say it's bad It is bad We got him. You're all right. Well two little devils on your show I love my little devils. Oh hell yeah, dude. I love my little devils. Yeah, one devil that's like color, color, color fanning it Yeah, the devil's like

And I'm out here snacking on deviled eggs and motherfucking devil cakes as well. Yeah, but you're not that good I'm thinking about getting in little cakes Cameron Esposito I love little cakes. I know I've been watching great. I got back in the grapefruits bake off Fuck should I should we go ahead? I've been watching season four. Should we get dessert after this? Fuck dinner, dude Let's go. Let's go straight to dessert or do you guys want to get breakfast dinner? I'm good on that actually we just had how do you feel about breakfast dinner? I fuck with it from time to time. I did that last night. Dasha just fucked around and made a delicious avocado toast

So I'm all I'm all I'm all set off breakfast. Very nice I'll be eating your hungry boys stavocato stavocato. Yeah, I'll cut us if you're nasty. It's it's the green shit that comes out of his Sealed dick. No. Yeah, I never nothing green is ever come out of my day. I'm trying to have some stavocato Smag my it's extra-infected Why don't you get your Get your bitch to put on a little stavocato and pussy Yeah, walk around and some fucking mac weld is Yeah, if only I had mac weld is the anti-microbials

There's this to clean my stavocato up. All right. I guess it's time to get the newspaper out, huh? Okay, we got it. I mean we can do we got a lot of I like this new thing we do where the show is bad But it's four and a half hours long. Yeah, that's are we over an hour ready? Uh, yeah, probably good. We owe them More. Yeah, we do owe them more. We don't know them. Shit. This is my the worst part of day figuring out which newspaper is today Fuck the news. They got too many July six for fucking little dick. Dude. You're a sheep reading the news man I make my own news. I make the fucking news. Yeah, you go out scared because I got the newspaper out Yeah, you're gonna whip her. I always wanted a dog that brings me the newspaper

You know into my office Point extra get in here. It seems hard to train a dog. Come here. Come here. George Clooney's wife No, I'm sorry. That's my dog's name is George Clooney's wife No, I wasn't talking about a Jamal Clooney. I was talking about my dog whose name is George Clooney's wife Dude, I'm all could get it though Yeah, look at this. These got these ice agents. Literally. They're wearing fucking Darth Vader masks Yeah, dude. I mean they're fucking pieces of shit, but I mean it's got a Darth Vader mask on Do you think ice could truly fuck the fuck shit up like what do you mean?

I don't know man. Do you think I don't even know understand that question Do you think that do I really think that ice could fuck shit up like, okay? They're fucking training them with guns and shit more so and Fuck Damn, dude. Stop stop's question hour. Fuck in Damn, I don't know man. Yeah, I'm kind of I'm actually scared. That's right articulate my brother I'm actually scared a little bit that these motherfuckers might do some raids. They're talking about denaturalizing fucking Already citizens. What about what if they come from my mom, dude? Who's saying that dude? That was some fucking guy on twitter said it, dude

So must be fucking true. I can't a little venetian can't be back in Greece It's too. She's too delicate, dude. Is she? Oh, grease seems tight. No grease sucks. Grease grease, which are my only exposure is the god of war franchise Is that set in Greece? Um, well, I mean, you know, he's an ancient. He's the god of war. Yeah, he's our Aries No, and he kills Aries in the first one. Damn, that's what Aries tricks Aries tricks him into killing his own wife and daughter Damn, he has to kill Aries. That's fucked up. Damn. And then he becomes the god of war Oh, that's tight

And then in the second game he pisses off zoos, so he has to kill zoos. He kills. He becomes zoos Well, he doesn't become you should play this shit, dude. It's all Greek style. Yeah. No, I got it It means but first two games are like fucking amazing. The second one is like one of the best games I've ever played Fuck. Yeah. Yeah Um, the third one was like, okay. It was like, uh, I bought playstation 3 just to play it And uh, I mean it looked cool, but it wasn't as fun. And then this one's the same thing where it's like But this one's all like Norse bullshit. Oh, fuck. They got gods too. Dude. They got odin. Yeah, but Norse mythology is stupid Yeah, Loki's a little bitch. Yeah, dude. Have you not seen Ragnarok?

How about a set of Netflix and chill Ragnarok? Ragnarok? I'm sorry. Do you mean George Clooney's wife? Wait, hold on. I forgot. I'm mad the wrong way That'd be great. Those people just don't know what they're mad about anymore. They're like, I'm all Clooney. Uh, don't you mean George Clooney's wife? Wait Do wait, hold on. What am I mad about now? What's the best kind of mythology? Greek probably for sure mythology. I just island have mythology. Do they have little gods and shit? No, they have what like Celtic paganism. Yeah, they got a like weird Yeah, but yeah, right. They think like the trees make rope or something

It's a clearing and the trees were rope What do you think Stonehenge was? What do you think they were doing out there was like a clock, right or a calendar or something? You think they did fucked up shit over there? Hell yeah, dude. They fucked bitches over there. Yeah, dude. That's where you would Stroll your bitch out Put on some underpants Really, they would they would display her out in the middle of yeah

Hell yeah, I was laughing the other day about you move the bed style you gentrify it But then you get a black girlfriend you walk around on a leash Around the neighborhood. She holds you no you walk her on a leash. I forgot how I arrived at that point It wasn't just that it was a series of jokes that led to some kind of dom sub thing. Yeah, kind of Yeah, it's consensual, but like imagine like you've lived here. You're a black person. You've lived here all your life Yeah, there was no public services available in this neighborhood And now some lanky way and then some guy in like a stussy hat Yeah, yeah, yeah, and like high water baggy, right? Yeah, yeah, my parents are funding my pro skateboarding crew

I'm following my dream of being a skater and dude. I'm not gentrifying my girl. My bitch is black My girl bitch I'm dating a black bitch Um, dasha and I were laughing in vegas. We kept doing steve harvey voice and saying How you gonna call It's not steve harvey, is it? What does steve harvey? We were I mean, it's whatever. It's a black comedian

How you gonna call another man by your own damn name? Just like A black comedian not understanding the movie call me by your name. I don't understand it. Why did they call each other? It doesn't really make sense. Yeah, it's like one of those weird things that people do in relationships Oh, so he would just call like if I was fucking at him. I'd be like, hey stop No, they're like stop or stop or stop or stop out of mad I think that's what they did in the movie. It didn't really make sense. Did they call each other their names while they fucked? Yeah Um, yeah, they called each other nanette

That does sound like an australian slur for a gay man a nanette dude. Let's Shout out to nanette now that we're officially pro nanette Dude, I'm through the show. Hey. Yeah, come through enemy of an enemy is my friend. Yeah enemy of enemy This game of thrones out here. Yeah, she's like, I'm not enemies Listen, we know you hate Cameron Esposito. She hates you. I mean, I know we know you just did this to dog that ass Yeah, you're just trying to dog She's done her dirty and I'm on board. She wouldn't give you a little piece of pussy. Yeah, you know, that's why that's why That's why it's a universal truth. Uh-huh. You keep the pussy away. You're getting dog

Yeah, welcome to a man's oh, yeah, brother man's world of podcasting How was your guys fourth of july? It was wood ebskies pretty fucking not cool now that the supreme court's going to be filled with white men Yeah, you know fourth. Did you guy dude? Yeah Yeah Yeah, I guess that's it. You guys Jews lie. Yeah. Yeah. Fourth of the Jews lie. Yep. That says we're not getting better than fourth of the Jew guy You know, like

It's just guys, you know, I thought it was like one of those where we change something to go and you watch guyer works Guyer works. Yeah, since I do that on the show people will just fucking send me They're like, how about this instead? And it's like, you know, you say that in response to somebody saying something else. It's not a joke Unprompted yeah, yeah, yeah all the millions of things that rhyme with guy. You don't have to send them to me No, that's not you guys keep sending them all to nick. Yeah, and nick will respond to each and every one of them Sov and I we're not gonna respond I mean sometimes I respond if you're a girl and you're hot you want to fuck stop he'll respond Hmm, mostly you don't really have to be hot. Well, I mean, I got some I got some people I respond to yeah

If you a wide bitch, you know, I got that wide If you got if I can fuck your pussy sideways If you a big bitch if you're a wide bitch wide not big wide wide. Yeah, like a wide. Oh, not fat I don't mean fat. I mean a woman with like a 40 42 inch waist But like if you see her side profile She's like super like one of those pissed off. Yeah concrete blocks from super mario 64. Yeah, one of those guys Just a concrete block with a band-aid on her back That's what I'm talking about a big old band-aid bitch a wide bitch trying to

Lay flat giving that cute pussy bitch to flatten me. You know what guys? Yeah I'm gonna say It's been we haven't seen each other for two weeks I'm glad Shut up, bitch. Yeah, shut up. This has been a bad episode It's not time. It's not time for your sentimentality You need to pick the energy up and give me something to riff on dude. I I I tried to bring it dude I tried to call

Cameron Esposito one one of the worst to ever do it publicly um, what else But you know what? What's all I got I felt I sort of felt like we were going somewhere with that tower where I'd look at things with my ass. Yeah, that was good No, it wasn't we got it. Fuck. Let's go. Let's go. All right. Okay. Go. I gotta I keep if I keep hitting this thing. All right, here we go Nick was almost ready to do another cocaine episode the other I was because we got it because stop was out of town

He's like we we just got a third other. I was tired dude. I didn't want to fucking I don't want to have to like carry the show It's the heat. It's keeping me down. Let's do it. Okay. You know what? Why is there no fucking air conditioning in here? That's that's good. That's another reason why the shit's been bad. Josh just shut it off Because it's 200 fucking degrees in here and I want to own slaves and go to sleep. That's true That's this kind of weather. I just want to yeah, right a mint julep and and and and we're nice fucking Seersucker suit brother. Seersucker suit rocking chair on a porch shotgun leveled at my 12 year old wife Come over here and shave my neck molasses trying to fucking read. Yeah, I gotta try to read. I got a little molasses daughter now

You know, there's no way she's dripping. Would you like to start going by like the kernel? No, like you would you don't want to know I wasn't in the army. Why would I steal valor? No, I'm saying if you lived back then this close to the 4th of july It's fucked up. I mean, it's not close for you to even suggest that just happen Yeah, you just want to steal. We're far from the 4th of july. We're we're one of the farthest days from 4th of july No, it happened two days ago. That is how time works. No, what do you mean? I'm a cyclical No, didn't you see didn't you see that show with Matthew McConaughey? I didn't get that shit to circle motherfucker That shit made no sense

People were watching it like uh-huh. I get this I get this but that should make no sense to circle, dude What are you talking about? The true detective true detective. It was he was just saying gobbledygook No, he was how about true nanak net negative That's what we've been missing. My ass is a flat circle My ass is a big flat circle and we like it. That's the point a lot of people are like oh look at that ward bloke He looks like the angry bloke from super mario 64 Good good bloke. Yeah, good bloke that angry bloke

Hey, where's that bloke spandade and then they get up close and realize I'm not their angry cement block from I'm actually a lezzo I say I'll thought that you were that big concrete block No, it's a lesbian. He's been chomp. A big old lazy. I don't know. Is that like thwomp or thwomp or something? Oh, that thing that slams down? Yeah. Thwomp is a really good word. Thwomp. Everybody thinks I'm thwomp from super mario 64 Do you remember that level where it was like a giant bullet and you had to go into the divots and duck and yeah, yeah Yes, everyone sees my ass and they think I'm Yoshi

Everyone thinks I'm the blue Yoshi But then they get up close and realize I'm a lesbian. I'm a big fat lesbian in blue jeans Yeah, that happens a lot to a lot of lesbians Yeah, where they think it's a bloke, but it's actually a lesbian. No, you think it's Yoshi Well in Australia a lesbian is just uh, is a woman that whose pouch is filled with granola. Uh-huh. Yep Australian women have pouches. They are on pussies. Yeah Big old pooch. They got two pouches. You're talking about What are you talking about? They got the pussy pouch and then they got the marsupial pouch

They got a belly pussy. That's that's what I tell you. It's not not like more than Walking around town with my Australian bitch. Uh-huh pouch turned inside out. That's right Oh What a kangaroo's pouch feel like a pussy if you fucked it. I think they're like wet. Yeah. Yeah, they're like gross I mean, it's technically like an outside pussy Sounds pretty good to me because they give they give it's disgusting really they give birth the fucking joey isn't done So it crawls around the body like a parasite Huh, and then inserts itself into the pouch. If you take it out, it'll die

They're really jacked right kangaroos. Yeah Now there were a couple high-profile jack kangaroos. I think that's what you're thinking of that video of the guy just straight up punching the kangaroo That was pretty tight. It was really cool. So far away people think i'm a roo Yeah, and they get close and realize i'm just a lezzo. I'm a lezzo. Thank you bloke. Nope Yep, just a lezzo. I have built a career of calling myself that cement bloke from super mario 64 And I simply do not do it anymore Um No, I uh

I have not seen that Nor have I seen do male kangaroos have a pouch now, right? Uh, no male seahorses do Can you eat a seahorse? Yeah, you can eat anything you could you you definitely can you can't you can eat any type Of animal do they taste good? I mean as long as you eat around the poison at sacks You can eat you got poison sacks some animals. Yeah I want to grill up a damn seahorse, dude. It looks like an octopus to me I was watching I rewatched uh the shallows. I got it for free with my blu-ray player That movie is scary. It's not bad. It looks nice, but there's this fucking

So blake lively is stuck on that rock and she's surrounded by a shark Yeah, that's scary. She's been on the rock for like three hours. Mm-hmm, and then she starts eating like little crabs She's like, I guess I have to do this and it's like you probably had lunch like four hours ago It's a little too soon to be eating spiders. So I get it. But the stress makes you hungry stuff. You're hungry Crabs taste good, dude. Yeah, you eat a little seafood What's wrong with that? Yeah, well, she throws it up. She does. She probably throws up whatever You did a little seafood. What's wrong with a little seafood? Fresh. Bro, I paid a lot of money for some good-ass sushi That is true, dude. In Seattle, that's raw fish

It doesn't sound so bad. The seafood up there is really nice. It was fucking incredible. You go to Pike's place You see them throw the fish. Yeah, you go to the experienced music project. No You go get grunge. Do you get grunge? I do get grunge. Yeah. You drink some coffee. I did heroin You did heroin. I went to Starbucks. You listen to some black hole sun Mm-hmm. You know that song's about your asshole. Yep What's the sun part? Uh, the next I there's something flashing a flashlight into your asshole flashlight that's inside of my ass I suck my dick

Then when you open up my bones Was that even in seattle band? Rain free sound garden. I guess they were I just assumed they were all from seattle. Is chris cornell dead? He died last year and I called him bad and got people mad on Yeah, you called it butt rock I called I called uh, I think chris cornell and uh, and I think it was the wrong It was the wrong chest or garfield or Bennington. I think it was the wrong application of butt rock

Chest or scarface from my chemical sundae That was a very funny a very funny joke from the live show that was never recorded It was your chester bennington joke I don't remember. I don't either. You said that the suicide note was written in capital and lowercase letters That was very very good and uh, sometimes I say phony things when it's not too fucking hot Adam's pathological need to steal jokes came comes in handy. I credited nick. I know but it was in your head Honestly, yes, I am too hot and that's why I'm blaming the

The episode on you know, they're just happy the boys are back together. No, they're not. They're gonna be you're gonna be very mad We always think it's worse. Honestly. I Listen, I always was on the side that it's like it has to be good And then stop was always on the side of like just get it out people like it anyway And now I think stop me on the goldilocks of the crew because there was one you remember the one like beautiful Like three weeks ago the beautiful one that all the bears hold down and fucking their bed three weeks ago Oh, yeah, I don't know what goldilocks. That was goldie. There's got to be a gay pointer That's goldilocks themed right like a blonde twink and three bears. Why not just a woman getting

Having because bears man. Oh because bear is gay thing and the gay culture. Yeah If not, let's do it and I'll be one of the bear. I'll be the baby bear. Yeah I guess I'll have to fuck a man then I guess damn. I don't want to do that. Would you fuck a guy? Yeah, if the vibes are right if the vibe is right. Yeah. Yeah. Is that where you are in the spectrum? I guess I think I've told you sir. That's all you got to do folks. You just got to vibrate them You got a vibe you got to figure out how to vibe stavros. You got to vibe my car do a tryst I was trying to think the other day like honestly, maybe if he was if he had long hair and was wearing lipstick I mean, I can answer honestly. Absolutely not. You think absolutely

Of course not. No, you definitely will come on guys. I would not Why? I wouldn't do it. No, because I'm not attracted. I mean, the idea is disgusting You don't think but you'll sex with them. You think I like attention. Yeah, but you're having and again, it's safe But don't worry about that. It's you know, it's like if you fuck a woman in the ass. It's the same thing No, it's not No, it's not There's shit everywhere. There's not balls swinging back and touching my ball. Yeah. Yeah, that would be pretty funny That's what happens when you have sex with a woman in the ass her balls are everywhere. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, very

hilarious Yeah, I I went to a show once and there was a guy who Reminded me of my friend's ex-girlfriend. Uh-huh more than any other person I was getting like a woman's vibe from him and I was like you thought he was kind of beautiful If this guy sucks me off, I wouldn't be that mad. Thank you. I think a guy was a little bit beautiful Um, even a famous guy. Well, there's like, yeah, man You could say you're like have feminine features that are like. Yeah. Yeah, but not in a way that I'm like Turned on but you think that

But you think like Sebastian Bach is like a very feminine man You think Sebastian Bach from that band. Was that a good school? Skid Row. Yeah, that's a good white trash guy I don't want to fuck. That's such a funny one. That's such a funny one. No, I mean, he's a uniquely feminine looking man He looks like Diaz, but you wouldn't fuck him. Of course not because it's a man What other men do you think are beautiful? But if it was in his prime, Nick would fuck him um, hmm Fast pender is like Tyler kind of He looks like an Asian woman. I know but that's a feminine looking man

No, I'm saying beautiful not would that look like women That's what beautiful. You don't think you don't think that That Michael fast pender is beautiful. No, no, you don't think he's very attractive No, I think he's a good actor Come on, dude. He's a good looking guy. You can't no I can recognize that guy is fucking great looking No, I guess yeah, I mean that's somebody who has like an aesthetically correct face Uh-huh, but it's not like that's an attractive. There's nothing I think he's a good actor Okay, beyond the acting. I'm just saying that like looking at that guy

No, no, because that's not what No, that's weird. What do you but what about you? Someone who's beautiful a man. Yeah, what what's like a guy that I guess I don't know I don't want to fuck like a hot man I thought I was maybe gay in high school because I kind of had a crush on the guy from the strokes Julian that's that's you being a poser. It was just me being a pussy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah But I thought he was cool because that guy's not hot. He looked sick and like pale like he was on drugs and stuff So you were sexually attracted to this man?

I was kind of a little bit nice to be up and it was like a little confusing No, it wasn't like a beat-off thing, but it was like I kind of wanted to it was like I put a thing in your ass thing I wanted to be like with him not to fuck him You wanted to be with him. Yeah. Yeah I just wanted to be you wanted to be his amulok loony. Yeah Not to fuck you just hang out with him, you know, like no, I was in Vegas Call each other by their name share a peach Eat a peach off of his cock

Did you get nick did you get any blood? In your dick while you saw that movie what movie call me by your name. No Zero blood. No. In fact, that's a lie. It's not a lie. Everyone got a little bit of that's not true That's no what I thought about the movie is like I think it's very hard to make a sentimental movie that doesn't like cross the line into being just bullshit Yeah, and if you can walk that line and do it well like that's very good art And I think that movie did it. Did you think the dad's speech at the end was a bit much? No, not at all. I thought it was like, uh, I get the movie

No, because it's again, that's like an opportunity very easily for that like, you know I mean to like fuck up that and have the dad pat himself on the back too much for being Accepting of his gay son or whatever and they only address it as much as it needs to be addressed And then it mostly speaks to the point of like, you know, yeah, you'll never get to experience this again And if it was like a heterosexual relationship, it kind of would be like too boring. They're like needs to be some kind of barrier Yeah, I know what you're saying. Yeah. No, it's a good. I watched that movie that link later movie before sunrise Uh recently because I remembered that it was good and it was very bad. How about a movie called before sundar? And it's the same movie, but it's all indian people. They're like, what is this one night?

Is it morning yet? That's good. I do not know. I haven't seen the movie. So I do not know what happens We watch fuck on that train. They're on a train. Why don't we fuck on a train? They meet on a train and he has a flight in the morning She's going to paris. He has a flight from vienna. He's like just like get off on vienna in vienna with me And just spend the night with me. I don't think they hook up. They don't hook up They just talk all night, but when you're younger and you watch it, you're like, wow, this guy's speaking of talking all night Somebody's really been uh, sorry hogging the airtime over here. I'll stop talking recounting movies that they've seen Sorry, I know I know they don't fuck

They don't they fuck actually But they're having the second and third movie There's three of them. You know, it'd be a funny crime is sneaking into the second movie Sneaking into the wax museum at night and using your hot penis to fuck holes Yes, dude You put your dick on like a roi rogers heat lamp for a while You just get your dick hard and hot and then you slowly fuck holes in the morgan freeman's face Do they have this?

Somebody fuck the holes in matt daemon's head Mm-hmm. Madam two sods. Does madam two sods have uh, Pussies on what stop changing the bit Sticked with the one I'm doing for your bit. They would be cool I would love to get my fucking cock just fucking hot as a bitch You know what you do a lot of the times it's like instead of yes, and then you're like, but what if it was my idea? The thing that was just It's not really yes, and it's a parallel bit. Yeah, because I'm not as good

A team player I'm not improv I would love to just fucking suit up the holes in there, dude Now would you just do any part of them? Would you fuck their chest different parts? Nice. Yeah, it wouldn't be Butt holes or shit like that. Somebody use their cock to melt bruce willis's face You could fuck a hole in it and make it as a batman villain and candy or candle dick Well, well batman it seems you couldn't get to the wax museum in time Damn, I remember one of the first times I came to New York

We went to My big bit was to have christina take a picture of me. We were like 16 at the time. Uh, there was an elton john Describe christina's body in that area 16. Let's hear it. Uh, I'm not i'm gonna skip that shoes. It's perfect sprouting Or they had sprung she was a did they look like teenage pubes not even long enough to need to be shaved What's the pubes? Yeah, I don't know what the pubes look like Shout out to christina. Yeah christina. Shout out to all the christinas out there and In podcast listening land Um, I bent over in front of the what was she wearing?

I think just jeans in a black sweatshirt Oh, my man remembers. Oh, um, that's what I was wearing. So There's a picture wearing the same clothes. Yeah, we we planned uh, the night it was Sadie hawkins dance Anyway, I was bent over in front of the, um Uh elton john And I got her to take a picture mean I thought that was a really good thing. It is very funny So we would have been good friends in those days I made her just a it was came out pretty blurry, but I was pretty proud of it. Yeah

That fucking gay mother fucker elton john Whoever smelted delta john that little nanette. How about that one smeltin john, whoever smelted elton john And he's farting on stage. Yeah, he can't help it. He's like, uh Uh, benny in the jets and then he's farting Yeah So adam sandler's listening, uh get your production company to make that Happy man They did it. Um, does adam sandler have children? Should we try and fuck his kids? Yeah, we should

And he's got a lot of I haven't been paying attention to crazy days and nights But apparently they just named a bunch of pedophiles. Really? Yeah, there was a bunch of stuff that was supposed to happen in 2018 that didn't like uh, that like congress The wife of some congressman or state representative or state legislator And his hazard. No, come on, dude. You know, it's not you know, denny hasard is innocent. He's a patsy. I'm sorry Come on, dude. We've discussed this. Oh, yeah, there's a new one the wrestling coach, uh, guy from ohio. Yeah Uh, no, uh, uh, don Damarera Felder. No, not the other don. Who's the other don from the eagles? Oh, shit. Um, uh

The band the eagles or the team the band The uh mcclean no don henley don henley Don henley Was it don yeah don henley fucked kids No, I like there's something with a two underage prostitutes in his room And like they covered up and one of the prostitutes grew up and married like some politician She was supposed to have all this evidence of You know, I guess don henley doing something

But that was in crazy days and nights back in fall taking that taking that teenage pussy for a stroll died It's a song dirty laundry is about the media coverage of him with the two underage prostitutes He he he got two underage prostitutes in this fucking. Yeah Yeah, and one of them overdosed And when the police showed up, he's like that's their cocaine and it was like 22 grams of cocaine These children are fucking this homeless 15 year old brought Uh $4,000 worth of cocaine to my my house. I don't know how they got here or why they're naked They were like, yeah, that checks out

I love I love fucking hotel, california, brother. Keep chugging. That's the only eagle song. I know someone else Uh, uh desperado That's not them. Yeah, take it easy Take it That's the eagles, right Um Suck me. Wait. He wasn't the one that died then. Who was the one that died? I don't fucking know. Wasn't the guy from the who he also got child porn on deck

Yeah, he said he was doing research or something. Hell, yeah Also, he said he was transitioning and then he never did it smart He put p towns in Or he said he wanted to be a woman. I don't know Whatever are we ending this? No, we're gonna keep going until this is funny Okay, I'm gonna hold you here. I gotta take a shit until I think of something. You had all day to shit, dude

You had all day to go to the bathroom I've been going to the bathroom all day. You've had all week. How many times have you shit? Dude, I've been on this thing where I've been taking like three shits a day. I don't know what it's going on You got a bed. I like doesn't tolerate. We'll stop eating cheese, brother. He lost his plug You're at for your ass. Yeah, you gotta plug. He's gotta plug a shit up. Yeah, my man loose Got that loose my man loosey goosey Over here got a rubber butt plug. I guess maybe we should just end it once and for all It's too hot next time we do this a for the premium episode this week guys

If you're tired of the podcast being bad, which it has been pay money go to patreon. We'll have a better episode up this weekend Once we're refreshed. We've got some air conditioning going on. Let me just say this cross country Stop's been on a red eye all night. Let me just say this. I got a lot of air conditioning in queens boys We're not going to queens. I'm not taking the train for an hour and a half Funny mom take a car is on the ninth. We have some good comedians that are going to be there Chris there's on it Chris there A couple other motherfuckers some other people. Yeah, so come out To that

Again, thank you everyone in seattle and motherfucking portland. Oh, yeah, i'm at carolines august By the way, we gotta talk about that. What you're on the sunday show. Are you? Oh, yeah, no, i'm not. Okay, so then we're gonna. Yeah, I accidentally put 12 in the picture Okay, yeah, oh and the auto bar ticket links are up guys so they'll buy those Yeah, and then we'll start we'll have links up for cleveland and boston soon as you know I straight up forgot that 11 comes after 10 when I wrote that I thought it was nine 10 12 You dumb bitch. Yeah, I don't know that happens

And I will have some more dates coming up soon too guys again, seattle and fucking portland was a fucking blast We'll post the australia dates on twitter this week um Are we doing stand-up shows too or just I think we're doing stand-up and I'd like to do both But anyway, that's the show guys. Bye guys Okay, goodbye