The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 111 – The forbidden zone

Episode Date: July 12, 2018

its my ass hole, dont touch it or look at it

The episode begins now. Alright, yeah, so Adam's gonna be making a coffee. I'm not making you coffee. I have cold brew to offer you. If you reject the cold brew, I'm not making you coffee. I need a hot coffee. I like cold. It's nice. It's a hot day. You're always complaining about how hot it is.

Hot toddy. I like hot coffee. It hits the system better. It's a very hot day. Are you gonna just, like, inject cold heroin into your veins? Yeah. No, you heat that shit up, buddy. I put it in the blast shield. You know what I'm saying? I like cold cum.

I was thinking about a bit where it's, like, something about how when fat people relapse, it's like, there's no spoons in this house. It's like, oh, no, is he doing heroin? It's like, nah, it's ice cream. Yeah, it's all spoons. I was trying to work on a bit about how, like, I want to be able to hate light-skinned ass crackers.

Light-skinned ass crackers? Like pale people? Oh, you want to call pale people light-skinned ass crackers? I'm tired of these light-skinned ass crackers. No one can get mad at that. Northern Europeans? Fucking Scandinavian ass red-boned ass crackers. Fuck right of here.

I need to be a red-bone cracker. A ginger? You just start calling ginger's red bones? Fucking red-bone ass cracker. I'm tired of these light-skinned ass skin. Gossamer skin looking like the sock they give you to try on shoes looking ass crackers. Fucking skin talking about half a millimeter thick

with your light-skinned cracker. Oh, yeah. That's right. Oh, yes, bitch. Ruin in the beach. With your little alabaster ass. Reflecting your ass on everybody. Bringing a whole fucking tent. Like you the monster energy

you know, sponsored whatever thing. Oh, a tent. Like you're a local, yeah. My man got his own kiosk. He brought a whole circus tent bringing his light-skinned ass cracker family. That's what I want to be mad about.

Also, another bit I'm working on about how you can get high off saying the n-word. For white people, we get high. A lot of people know that. The reason we love saying it so much is we get little buds.

That's why we say it so much at home. And we. They took all of us. And they took away the n-word from us. What's left? That's right. Fendle. Yeah, opiates, man. That's the crisis. That's why Donald Trump became president. That's right.

So if you don't want Trump as president, you don't want a bunch of doped up white people voting for Donald Trump. Let us blast ends in public. I'm talking Boston Market. Just blast them. Just fucking blast them. Boston Market, huh?

You waiting for that fucking little rotisserie chicken? It is on the menu. It's part of the ordering process. Chicken pot pie. The Cambridge French fries. Oh, and the boo. What is it? You just say it?

Oh, and I don't have to pay. I can just say it for free. So I can just keep saying it? Oh, this is great. I'm going to go vote for a progressive candidate now. Now that I got that out of myself. That's my free love movement. Free the n-word. Free n-movement.

Yeah, dude. Just blast ends at KB Toys. Just going in there. No child. I don't even have a child. Just go in there, blast and ends. It's out of business. Guess who I'm voting for? That's right. Hillary Clinton. Jim Webb.

I'll give you Jim Webb. Hell yeah, dude. I vote for Kasich. I blast two ends a day. John Kasich. Four ends a day. Jim Webb. Unlimited ends a day. Hillary Clinton. Maxine Waters.

I'm writing in Maxine Waters. With every single word I say. It's full board blasted in. Like I'm trying. Like I got a mining company and we're going through the mountains using the n-word. Blasting the rocks with the n-word. Until we get to that sweet natural gas. Hell yeah, dude.

Then you just huff that. Yeah. Scientists say it's better for the environment than fracking. But is it a new ending? Blasting method of finding natural gas. Bad for society. Dude, there's a lot of out-of-work people.

I don't understand how it works. To be honest with you, I just know it's wrong. Look, I can't tell you. And I know that seems like liberal bullshit. I know I'm a physicist. I shouldn't just be opposed to a type of drilling. But I'm pretty sure screaming the n-word at rocks. That can't be good.

It's not good for the communities. It's not good for the people that are out there. It's not good for the community. It's not good for the people that live in those towns. Yeah, I don't know, man. I was out of work for years. And when this happened, I just knew my calling was about...

I've been calling my nephew that for free. And so I figured I'd do it now and I'd get a health insurance plan out of it. But the results are catastrophic. Take a look at Centralia, Pennsylvania. A town overcome by over n-word use. It's unlivable now. Even by white people.

Because it's too racist. It doesn't fit below sea level now. Every time somebody put up a build, I'm not just yelling n-word. It's fun watching it go down. They're calling it n-11. And it's the greatest tragedy since the real 9-11. Damn, dude. Yeah, we should harvest n-word technology.

Clean n-word technology. That's like... Would there be dirty and clean? That's like a deleted scene from Independence Day. Like the aliens come. And then both homies are like, I know how to handle this. On three. The whole world.

The whole world has a single n-word. What is the general that's like, let's call them the n-word. Let's call them the n-word right now. Sir, I've been in this army for 52 years and I'll tell you the answer is calling those aliens the n-word. Let's use the n-word on them.

Why do you think we lost NAM? Let us do our damn job, sir. Let us do our job. They use the n-word at the aliens. They're like, it has no effect. At 12 o'clock tonight the combined military forces of the world

will point megaphones at the motion and unleash our most powerful weapon against the aliens. For today is our independence day. Our dependence on the n-word. Damn. Very nice.

We should end the episode there, man. Independence day, brother. We're going to do four o'clock. I said, let's do noon. I'm fired up. Imagine how much better this would be if you got me that fucking coffee. You sound like you're pretty... Maybe removing the coffee from you

makes you run on anger. I had one. I mean, taking it away, offering it, then taking it away. So you just requested one for the power of requesting it. That's the caffeine. Long after vile hate crime

tending flame to fight racism. Oh, Jasper, Texas. That's the most racist town in America. You're named after a racist guy. Either Jasper or Vidar. Was that where they did the dragging? Vidar is the one where they did the dragging. Vidar? Yeah, Vidar, Texas.

Gary Vidar, Texas? Vidar just sounds like an evil southern town. Yeah. Sounds fake. Sounds like Jasper. Sounds like Darth Vidar. I love Darth Vidar. I was ashamed to find out that his voice was a Mufasa.

They used a goddamn Mufasa to do the voice of Darth Vidar. Because he was my favorite character. The father that comes back. I can relate to that. Fuck. Damn. Yeah, I'm running.

I'm drinking coffee again, you know? Because I got to get back on the east coast sketch. I was on that damn west coast. I'm sleeping in, dude. What can I do to jumpstart my productivity? Bring me back into the fold. You can start. What do you guys think?

Jacking off first thing. You think so? Wouldn't that make you sleepy? Does it? Do you jack off in the morning? I used to, but I don't anymore. Why did you use to? I don't know, why not? Jacking off first thing always.

I rarely wake up hard anymore. Really? I wake up in the middle of the night hard. No, I very rarely wake up hard. That stopped a couple years ago. Really? Interesting. I feel like I'm only hard in the morning.

I got that real nice one ready to go. I like to fuck in the morning. There's less pressure. I'm not really ever hard. You're never hard? Never. What about when you're having sex? Not particularly.

You're just hitting them with that? I kind of fuck like I'm packing last minute for a trip. Jam all the clothes into a backpack. You ready to go? I put it on my neck pillow and read my Dan Brown novel.

That's how I thought. That's good, bro. Paintings were magical. Dan Brown. The magical paintings. Jesus's magic painting. This painting of Jesus is actually magic.

It's black girl magic. That would be so powerful. Not even Tyler Perry. What's the black lady? Ava Duvernay? No, there's a... Isn't that her name? Yeah, that might be her.

Her slash Dan Brown. Black magic. Dark chocolate brown. Her damn brown? Damn brown. How brown that guy? He damn brown. Do you guys see that movie

with Oprah and Reese Witherspoon where they're wearing purple and blue lipsticks? Legally black. It's better black woman than a lawyer. Hell yeah, she gets her permit. She's the first.

Allowed to be black person in Vader, Texas. What was that movie that Ken Burns called Unforgivable Blackness? What? Is that real? Unforgivable? No, it's Unforgivable Blackness.

That's a fucking Jackie Robinson or something. Oh shit. Was that the name he gave it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because all of the other names of his stuff are about the thing. I used to call it Unforgivably Black. I would fuck up and call it that.

Which sounds worse than Unforgivable Blackness. Unforgivable Black to be forgivable. That's got to be a quote from someone, right? Unforgivable Blackness. Ken Burns didn't just come up with that all the time. I looked up recently. Stupid ass blacks the Ken Burns story. These dumbass light-skinned ass.

Ken Burns is light-skinned. Yeah, he's a light-skinned ass cracker. He looks like 11 years old. Even though he has that fucked up wig. Is it a wig? Just let that baby die. Man, that baby doesn't want to die. Look at all the wires it's got.

That baby wants to grow up and fuck. It's got spark plugs. Yeah, she's a little fucking robot. What is that, like the natal ICU or something? Damn, I hope I never have a kid. It's going to be so fucked up if I do. Yeah, it really will be. Just every disease.

Yeah, everything you've ever mocked. Just, yeah. Just the club put it. I feel like all... Please. Faggot Mullen died in the end. Nintendo 64 Mullen. This is called an affront to God.

Not only was the kid talking, he named it after Nintendo too. Damn. I would name my baby Gamecube if I had to pick a system. That's a system that meant the most to me, I would say. Gamecube? I think Gamecube. Really? I played the best gaming years of my life on a Gamecube. Crazy sexy. I think probably PlayStation 2 was the best console.

Yeah. Actually, you know what? Honestly, Xbox 360 was like... That was the first. Halo. I was never got into Halo, but there was so many... Because I didn't play games for like seven years or whatever. And then when I was in my early 20s,

I got to play Xbox 360. And you played Call of Duty? Yeah, I would play Modern Warfare all the time. I remember playing that, I'm like, oh, this is the... they figured out video games. Yeah. My friend had this... My friend had to do six years of college because of Call of Duty.

Yeah. He failed out of a year and three semesters. Modern Warfare 2 was like... God damn, I played that game so fucking much. Yeah. Because if you get 25 kills in a row, you can call a nuke and end the game. Oh, that was nice.

It was just so much of like... Just trying to get that 25th kill? Well, you get to seven, you can call in the Harrier Jet. And then the Harrier Jet, you get four kills, you get to 11, you call in the Chopper Gunner. And then you come in, you just light people up with that Chopper Gunner. Yes. Just fucking wasting dudes from an Apache,

what a great feeling. And then you hope because you do it from a laptop. Oh, hell yeah. So you're just fucking typing on the game? No, well, it's the screen, but your character just... You're like Guy just stays on a laptop and finds you and ices you while you're...

Oh, shit. In the Chopper Gunner, you're dead. That's got to feel good for you specifically to be killing using a laptop. Me? That combines your two great... You're posting and murdering at the same time. It's a form of...

Directly, instead of hurting their feelings, you're literally killing them. That's right. They're fucking posts, dude, and the government called you. They're like, we need you to post. Oh, posting? You need to own foreign leaders

in the dark future when posting is illegal. We need someone to draw a dick on Garfield. It can't be done. No one's that fucked up. I've been in prison for 25 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just completely jacked. Working out your fingers specifically.

Your fingers are fucking ripped, dude. The second they're allowed near a fucking keyboard, you're going to do memes. That's right. That is damn right. We need someone to draw Odie with a pussy and then fuck it. What if you could draw things

and then fuck them, and they come to life and you fuck them? Facebook is watching you. The social media giant is aggressively spreading its facial recognition tools, and it's getting pretty from regulators and legislators in Europe and North America. It's going to start to be like terrorist attacks,

domestic terrorist attacks on tech companies specifically. Who's still on Facebook? I don't know. Are you? No. I mean, I have a page, but I never check it. Yeah. I feel like it's moved to old people now. My mom's old friends.

There's a Greek town group where it's all 65-year-old people that are like, remember when there was no blacks here? They're just reminiscing about... Greek town is so funny because they're like, all these Mexicans are stealing our neighborhood. It's like the neighborhood was a German neighborhood

before Greeks came in. We just stole it from those fucking crowds. Right. I mean, that was like every city in America. Native American. No, Baltimore was always... not a trace of Native American. It didn't.

They knew to stay away. The Old Bay Reserve... The East Coast just has Native American names. It's never... Is Chesapeake Native American? Yeah. But, I mean, all of New York is fucking...

Manhattan is a Native word. Canarsie is Native American. That's a tribe. Jamaica is a Native American word, actually. They're two different... Jamaica, the island, is a completely different root. They came up completely different

from Jamaica. That is wild. No relation whatsoever. And then, you know, a bunch of Caribbean people. That's a good hacky comedy mash-up. A Rosta Native American guy. Can you do that?

Take that first spin. Yeah, that's all you, man. Let's hear it. Let's hear the professional comedian, Adam Freeland, riff out the bit that he came up with. I didn't come up with that. No, I'm sure you came up with it. Come on, do your job.

No, we believe in you, man. We believe in you. I'm rubbing your shoulders. Stop getting really good massages. Thank you. How... Lively up yourself. How?

Lively up yourself. Smoke weed every day. How do Native Americans... them crap. So it's like it's rain-daggering. We're aggressively dry hunting the ones. Then it's raining because the thunder starts coming out.

It's really easy here to do the Jamaican accent with the Native American Yeah, that's good. Well, man, you'll get your groove back. You remember how to be a comedian someday. Or you know what could have been a thing It could have been a thing in your early 20s while you're relevant now you're an old man No, we all look we all we all burn out. We all fade away

The flame is not as dire as you're putting it, you know, we all lose sight of ourselves and Time goes on and then instead of being a guy that had some sort of creative edge. You're just Working retail you're 46 years old. Yeah, yeah, I used to be on a podcast or whatever I'm not gonna wear child support to some Russian woman and her black husband We didn't say you're right you assume I didn't say that just happen to say a Russian woman. Yeah Her black husband and you have to repay child support to your son who's also black Yeah, yeah, no you guys are actually still together Yeah, that's funny

Dad dad come on the keys go hang out my friends Dad I gotta go to shit Dad me my friends are trying to go to Bojangles chicken Dad dad, it's me your son Adam junior is me Adam junior dad. It's me Adam junior. I'm 11 years old. I'm in the first grade Damn we learning about the Holocaust at school. It's crazy that people did that to us Jewish people like us Eastern Eastern European Jews like our cell

They can I have a magic city theme bomb it's reading about I'm Frank who was one of us. I don't know how because you know, I'm 647. I don't know how I would have hid it from them Yeah Damn dad, I just want throwing some wood that would he had them for crazy dad Yeah, how do I fit out miles pussy? Oh, we were spread out by somebody else before I was born because you know, I was a 17 pound baby Yeah, how come how come your wrist the same size of my thumb Dad dad walk up

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I bought underwear there myself It's one of the easiest shopping experiences I've ever had in my life, you know when you go there They put all the underwear up on the auction blocks to examine their their physique. No, I don't think you think you think it's all I'm thinking of a different purchasing experience I have Well Mack Weldon very similar to that the power you feel yes Subjugating those underwear Remember we're talking about putting in your bitches pussy. Let's go back to that So Mack Weldon underwear very smart design Very simple shopping experience love those

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New wears and shirts they suck all the sweat off your body and they look good no matter what you're doing You know going out during your day doing a podcast you look good feel good They got crew necks all sorts of all all the good shit. They do have good stuff there for real I know we joke around a lot on this podcast. Yeah, I'm gonna say anything sincerely Ever in my life. What's that? Please buy those? Underwear, please buy do it. Please God buy them for the glove of God I'm trying to afford numerous abortions right now. Oh, yeah, we got a stack up. I went on a little bit of a tear Did you yes? I impregnated probably 17 different women. Hey, man

After the show last week and the only way I can kill those children is if you buy those And we're back and we're back damn So anyway, yeah, I would be proud to have you know stepbrothers You'd probably be a very good father to your cuck your cuck created son You would be when you get when Dasha cuckold you with a Dasha's not gonna You know what with like a beetle juice sized black guy But then he's still got the genes in him to produce a large boy. Yeah. Yeah, so the real father mentally and he's like

With my with my with my son it lives outside. She's like Roscoe remember you're not supposed to say he's your son around that my husband Adam. I got trash. I got trash. He just wants some midget trash eating black guy. That's who she did. I got cucked by. I got trashed. Stuck in my dick. I got I got a bunch of trash though my my dick. They got out the bus stop. I'll try I'll try to hide in the trash. Well, when a buck come by, then more the more for a driver to be laughing at me. Okay, I'll suck your dick. Just shut up. I'll just fuck one more time. So what's up my dick, bitch? So my dick feels good. Feel real good. Just five one. Can you imagine? Can you imagine coming home? Your wife is fattens like coming home from his job at, I don't know, Boston market. I can't do math. Yeah, I feel good. Football sized dick. Just wanted to be she's like Adam. I have the house all afternoon. I told you that. Come on, Adam, Junior. Where are we going? Who's that guy? Who is that guy? Don't worry about it.

Who's that little boy momma's having sex with? Oh God. God damn. That's so fucking stupid. Would be so funny. It would be very funny for us. For all of us. For the three of us. For the three of us. It's a little fun. Beetlejuice from the Howard Stern Show. Sanmai retard. That guy's full retard. Just a 32 year old crack, baby. Bring that mouth over here, bitch. I got trashed on my dick. You got a king name. Trash on my dick. Just living in a trash camp like Oscar the Great.

One of those little rectangular ones next to the bus. A little room here with the rectangular ones that have like the top on it. That's like elevated. Yeah. Just pokes his head out. What is that buck going? Bring it in. Put your pussy in the trash. Like, Dasha, why is there trash in your pussy? Why is there CVS rappers coming out of your asshole?

Is this a receipt? Adam, don't ask me questions. Dan. Dan, what mommy are you? Let's go shoot free throws, Adam Jr. Yeah, yeah. Adam comes to do the podcast and he's like, everyone's posting Roscoe's home address on the reddit.

And it's like, I don't, I mean, I care about the guy. Just drop a pin to the trash can. I don't want people harassing Roscoe. Cause he's upset and then Dasha's upset. Roscoe's the guy that's fucking here. Your son is Adam Jr., Adam Jr. Roscoe's the guy that lives in the trash can outside of the block bus. The exact sex in your wife.

I don't think she's fucking your wife. But you care about him? Cause you're a good guy. I have to say, I do care. Yeah. I have to say the image of the lid opening slightly and then just you see two white eyeballs. Yeah, yeah. But it's fucked up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you going with? Very yellow eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just yellow, yellow ass eyes. Oh God. I've been drinking wild Irish Rose in that trash can for a week and a half. Roscoe's a good guy.

What a big guy, man. He doesn't know, he doesn't know what he's doing. What a bad mood. Well, your uncle was arrested for stealing tricycles. So she gets cranky. Fuck. Cause as you know, my penis fell off when I gave birth to you. She had her uterus surgically implanted into my body.

Into my balls. As to not ruin her pussy for your uncle. It would be my honor to see horse for my wife. So that I had to give birth to a 17 pound black man out of my scrotum. Out of my penis. Out of my penis. It ripped your, it ripped your ass too. It ripped your penis and ass off.

You're just like, you're your asshole from your nuts to the top of your back. I've said this before guys, but I'm your muse and you have to accept it. Do you guys know Step Brothers came out 10 years ago? Damn. What a few old Step Brothers came out. Isn't that wild? Where did you get that from? I was reading.

You feel like that's a new movie? 10 years makes complete sense. 10 years is long, dude. Adam, that's like some consolation. You know, you get down about like. Yeah, I know. The way things are going. Yeah.

Stop stupid. That's not the consolation. Step Brothers was already 10 years ago. That's wild. What do you guys for being dicky? We'll be dead before we know it. It's probably 10 years old. That's wild.

It was 10 years ago. You guys are fine with that. It's really not. If you told me it was 13, 14 years ago, I'd be like, yeah, that makes sense. I feel like that movie came out in 2006. No, it came out 2008. 2008. 10 years ago.

That's wild. It was a long time ago. I know. It feels weird. What's the last thing Will Ferrell's made? It's a fairly bright movie. That movie, The House? No, it's not.

It's him and the guy who did Anchorman. What's the director that he works with? Adam McKay. Adam McKay. Yeah. Who also did The Big Short, which is the name of my dick. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know what the Fairleigh Brothers have been up to.

Comeback. Comeback. Comeback. Comeback. Come and dumber. That's good. One's dumb. One's horny.

Yeah. Come and dumber. No, Lloyd. How are we going to get this briefcase back to that bitch? And Lloyd's just like, oh, he's just coming the whole movie. Yeah. It's a diarrhea scene, but it's come. I told you guys right.

I cried when he gave the blind kid that bird when I was like a little kid and seeing that movie for the first time made me cry. Really? You're a liar, dude. I was really sad for that kid. Do you want to do a claw? Yeah. Do you want one of those?

Yeah. I'll get it. I'll get your drink. You can get it. I'm not going to take that away from you. Cheer up. Get some fucking confidence back. I'm not.

I'm just hungover, guys. It's not even the confidence. You need to get your confidence back though. I'm tired of this. You know what helps. I'm fucking tired of it. Talking about his girlfriend becoming his wife and then cheating on him with a trash midget. That was a good bit.

Honestly, that was a good bit. I'm not upset about that at all. Adam, where are Roscoe's Butterfingers? No, he had a bag of Butterfingers sitting on me. That would be so... I don't know. I may have had one. I don't...

He slaps you. Yeah. He's getting beaten by a five foot one crack. One more Snickers. I thought you said they're Butterfingers. You know he doesn't know how to read. He doesn't know the difference between Butterfingers and Snickers. Long live Roscoe.

Roscoe's doing stern at three o'clock. I have an audition. What are you doing? I'm watching filmstruck. You got hungover? Did you get fucked up last night? I got pretty fucked up after the show last night. Shout out to everyone who came out to the show by the way.

And happy birthday Jonah once again. Shout out to Jonah. Happy birthday. Our DJ for Funny Mom. Shout out to all the different types of ladies that came out. Big bitches. Small bitches. White bitches.

The whole gamut of bitches. Black bitches. We did have a bunch of fat bitches. We also had another... I was pleased to see that we had a vagina bitch. Hard pussy ass. I did ass Chinese bitches. I'll pull back.

Hell yeah. Cross-eyed bitches. All the kind of bitches. Bitch that love fucking durians. That weird little fruit. Man bitches. Dragon fruit bitches. Pomegranate bitches.

Papaya bitches. Ooh papaya bitches. Kiwi bitches. Mango bitches. Man bitches. Strawberry bitches. Blueberry bitches. Mulberry bitches.

Blackberry bitches. Raspberry bitches. Sawdust bitches. Home Depot bitches. Plum and supply bitches. Grout and tile bitches. Math bitches. Math blaster bitches.

PC bitches. Macintosh bitches. Software bitches. HVAC repair bitches. HVAC bitches. Wallpaper bitches. Wayne Scott bitches. Floorboard bitches.

OSB ass bitches. Plotman bitches. Bitch that own trampoline stores. Trampoline ass bitches. Spring ass bitches. Lawn and garden supply bitches. Medicine cabinet bitches. You know that kind of bitch.

It's just a schizophrenic rapper. It's a four and a half hour long intro to a song. This one goes down. Pan American ass bitches. Bowling trophy bitches. Oh yes. Safety glass bitches. Ribbons.

LA gear ass bitches. Dial tone bitches. Movie phone bitches. Watch the movie hairspray. Hairspray bitches. Fat bitches. Ricky Lake bitches. Ricky Lake.

Yeah. I do like free associating but with bitches at the end of every word. Feels good. Yeah. I guess Freud would approve that too. That's what Freud, he had people coming his office. That's what his book is about. Spit.

Yeah. You got two things. You either do this or you jerk off the picture of your mom on cocaine. Freud is Freudian. People's cipher. Past the mic. La Croix bitches. Yeah.

Thank you everyone who came out. We should also just say in the middle of the show that we are hitting the road as a unit. Obama bitches. August 12th. We're in motherfucking Baltimore. We haven't listed that on Twitter yet, have we? No.

Also buy tickets for Carolines. Some of the Carolines are bitching at me because tickets aren't selling. Yes. Buy tickets. Go see Nick at Carolines. 9-10-11. Carolines. You go to the Carolines website.

Look through the schedule. Find me. In a month. We got. It's on my Instagram bio. Yeah. Go buy that shit. I posted the Australia stuff on Twitter.

But also the Cleveland Boston tour. That's all I know. We're in Cleveland. Sunday the 1st. September 1st. September. Or I'm sorry. Sunday the 2nd.

And then we are in Boston the next day, the 3rd. So please buy tickets to both of those. Ticket links are up. And then I'm coming to fucking Chicago. Chicago bitches. Chicago bitches. Cleveland bitches. But before that.

Charlotte. I'm going to Charlottesville to avenge. To avenge. To avenge. To take out the cops. Charlottesville. Charlottesville. The 17th of Friday.

I'm going to drive a Prius through a bunch of Nazis. Yeah. That was right. A bunch of Nazis with a Prius. That's right. No. I'm getting a fucking Vespa dude. Yeah.

I'm about to fuck them up on armored ass. This is a police Prius. And runs off pussy juice. And I make it myself. I've trained my penis to make pussy juice. Instead of coming. How much of an ally am I? You might sound pussy juice now.

That's how I'm stopping Donald Trump. My penis doesn't get hard anymore. It gets wet. At least I have a little soaked up nose. My clit size dick is wet as fuck. Take that Trump bitches, Bush bitches, Clinton bitches, Bush one bitches, Reagan bitches, always basting my cock with baby oil, Ford bitches, LBJ, Nixon bitches, LBJ bitches, Kennedy bitches, Woodrow Wilson ass bitches, Eisenhower bitches, John Quincy Adams bitches,

Truman bitches, Wilford Brimley's before Truman, George Grover Cleveland, before Truman was a Roosevelt. Yeah, right. FDR, then prior to that. And then Truman took over, dropped the bomb, baby. Right. So FDR, was it coolage? Either Coolidge or Wilson before the Humphrey or Hoover, Hoover, Hoover. Yeah, Hoover. It's hard to go backwards. I can maybe go backwards. We're doing it right now. I used to be into presidents. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Well, it's Washington Adams, Jefferson Adams. Yeah. Madison, Madison. We got beer. No, at some point, Buchanan, Buchanan. Was he the gay one? There's two Buchanan. Buchanan was before Lincoln. He was 15. William Henry Harrison, that motherfucker that died. That

one's like six or seven. Zachary Taylor is in there. James K. Polk. That's right. Yeah. Like I didn't like Indians. Yeah. Andrew Johnson. Johnson's like what? He didn't like Indians. 12. Andrew Johnson was after Lincoln. He's 17. No. No. Yeah, you're right. And he got him impeached, right? No. Hamilton was never the president. Not Hamilton. Who am I thinking of? Hamilton is like $10, $10 bill. Who the fuck is Andrew? Who are you thinking about? Andrew Jackson. Andrew Jackson. Andrew Jackson was like eight or nine. Yeah. Yeah. He was there. I remember I saw them too. I remember at one point when I was like in fourth grade, but I did it in chunks of eight. That's how you did it. Yeah, I did it in. I used to be

that hard. We're only what 45 45. Yeah, it's not difficult. Yeah. This tricky one because who's the one who's the guy that was president and then was it Chester A. Arthur was president and then he someone else was president and then he was president. No, no, that was Cleveland. Cleveland. Yeah. Grover Cleveland. Fat ass Taft. Let's not forget about Taft was right before Teddy Roosevelt. That's right. Yes. So yeah, it's Coolidge Taft Roosevelt. Cool. Is that far back? No, Coolidge. No, Teddy Roosevelt. No, no, no, no. Coolidge. Coolidge was after Teddy. So it's Teddy Coolidge Taft. No, no, I don't fucking know. Coolidge was like in the 20s, right? I don't know who cares. Who gives a shit? Fuck the fuck the presidents.

Trump 1000 years. Mm hmm. Forever, Trump. Trump 44. Did you hear that shit? He said about Elton John? No, what do you say? He was just an extremely low T individual president Trump selection of Brent M. Kavanaugh. What do we think about Kavanaugh? Kavanaugh. Kavanaugh. He's going to get rid of abortion. Yeah, Roe v. Wade's about to get fucked in the ass, I guess. That's these are these are things I don't really care about. abortion, abortion, gay rights don't matter. Yeah, yeah. For some reason. Yeah, I mean, I agree that you should have them. I was right to choose and I believe gay people should get married. But like, does that affect me? No, not really. So I really don't. It's not like I'm like, What are we

going to do? I'll be fine. You know, you're cool. Okay. And ultimately, it's a dog dog world out there. Right. Unless rights they have, the better it is for you. Well, it's a zero sum game. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I just does mean I have more rights. Yep. That is how rights work. If I have only I have the right to get married, it means more than if gay people, which like that may sound rude. But hey, that's business. Uh huh. Yeah, that's just the law. Yeah. Murphy, Murphy Brown, Murphy Brown's law. That if a woman sounds like a man, she gets a job. You got the good. That's Murphy's law. Get me them bitches that sound like men. They got they got the best pussy. Girls that sound like men. What was

Murphy Brown's job? She was a newscaster. She was. She was a journalist, a journalist. And she had an abortion on the show on air laws that women aren't allowed women that sound like men are allowed to get abortions. Yeah. Who worked over Murphy's pussy? Who wasn't in the show? Uh, Craig T. Nelson Ferguson. Craig Ferguson had that run there for a while. Craig T. Ferguson. Everyone was saying his show was really good. His late night show. Yeah. Yeah. Didn't he have pre taped, but it's like that's no, I think Colbert does that now where it's like not a live stand up. No, you do. You do like a showcase. Yeah, they do like they tape this stand up separate from the show. They do it like Craig Ferguson

did that. Craig Ferguson did that. I feel bad for anyone that had a Craig Ferguson credit because it was like that was worthless from the get go. You can say you're on TV. Doesn't matter. It's a meaningless TV credit. I'm on CISO. I'm on Fox News. I can say it was on TV. They're both like worthless credit. Yeah, but you're not doing stand up. It's doing stand up on CISO. Now stars. Oh yeah. It's on stars. I think I'm owed residuals or something. Wait, that's New York's funniest thing. They just sold, because CISO went out of fucking business and they sold all the content. Now it's like, I mean, I got a $600 buyout for that bullshit. Yeah. Stars shows that thing. New York's funniest from 2014. I was on TV.

I was in the background of that adult swim thing as fat. You're on the MSG network. I was on the MSG network. That's dude. Check out my credits logo access TV. Yeah. Yeah. Comcast open mic hour MSG adult swim at 1am. And that's having those days are so much worse than having like a real fucking credit. They used to be a credit that people would listen DC Comcast. Do you remember that? Yeah, dude, it was big. It's actually funny because it's from Comedy Central. I used to harass red eye. Let me go on the show as a joke. And then they had me on and I was like, this is gonna be hilarious. And then it just sucked. And then they kept asking me back and it's like, all right, I guess I'll do it. I'm

mad. I never guys guys funny at all. Who? Red eye. What do you mean? That guy like Shalu and Oh, no, no, they're not funny. Yeah. Yeah. Was me a comic. Yeah. But I mean, it's not funny on red eye. No one's funny on red. Yeah, it was a horrible formula for comedy. Yeah. So we're gonna have one comedian on and then, you know, the editor. Yeah, right. He's in magazine. The secretary of state now, right? Was sitting next to you. Yeah, studio. Yeah. Well, I mean, he was already a fucking, you know, ambassador. He was an ambassador to the UN, but Bush did it before guys. If you're in the betting type, probably want to check out that ass ambassador. Yeah, there you go. A slam, a slam baster. If you're the

betting type, you want to check out bet the side.com. It's a sports betting website, one of the best ones out there with the 20 year history of paying winners on time or yes, you know, within a reasonable amount. Yeah, with the amount of time you're supposed to be paying people in a window. Yeah, I don't know exactly what that means, but they're great company. They've been they've been taking bets for a while. And if you want to bet on sporting events, live events of any kind, you want to check out bet the side.com. I use it myself. I've made some money, lost some money. Hey, that's, that's part of life, you know, taking risks. So if you're not a pussy, maybe you want to go take a risk.

Oh yeah, yep. Put your house down. That's your house. Put your house down. Gamble away your children say you gotta know when to hold them. And that that song's about my nuts. Yeah, they got a fun, easy to use mobile app. Download the mobile app you can bet and play anywhere, play bet, win. That's right, bitch. Check them out. You guys got some picks. I have to say my rush is going to win because Putin rigged it prediction finally ended because of the fucking Croatians. And I'm sorry about that. Someone DM me and said he had to put his boy pussy up for sale to pay for the bets he lost. And I'm sorry for that. But I'm saying we got France versus Belgium about to kick off here. We're recording this on Tuesday.

So that's going to be over. It's going to be over. So you can't. So can't. But I'm thinking France because they all know how to do that. The shoot dance. Yeah, they're the swag. Well, they're all African. Francis. They're they they used to be all African. But anyway, Croatia, Brazil, England. I'm going against these fucking English fucking pasty light skin ass motherfuckers. And I'm going Croatia, keeping it in fucking southeastern Europe. I was against it. But then I saw that video of that British soccer fan snorting a bag of coke on top of that lamp pole. And that's the thing you can bet on. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Will this guy die? Yeah. And I'm going to say Belgium wins the whole damn thing. I'm reading for England. So those

are that song is big, big locks of no. And also they offer live in gameway drinks. So you want to want a hedge on them bets. There you go. Go ahead. Do it. And go to bet the side.com. Use promo code C. U. M. 25. That's capital C. Lurk is U. M. 25. And what do you get? Hit him with the details, Davros. You don't remember. You get a motherfucking $30. No, you get $200 match. I don't know. Like that. No, you get you get a credit. You get a credit to start betting with $40 to start. I had to write this down every time because it's so fucking complicated. Yeah, what is it? Use promo code. Good ass shit. I'll be honest with you. It's it's an extremely confusing promo. It's capital C. Lowercase U. M. 25.

I know what it is. I was testing you guys. You also use the promo code. Yeah. And it's capital C. U. M. 25. Write this down, everybody, because it's hard to remember. Just put in the promo code. That's what I do. I never get a free $25 wager. And then they match your deposit up to 200%. Oh, 200%. I thought they match up $200. No, 200%. Nice. Because I fucked that up two weeks ago, and I think I said $200 25%, which is not other way around. It's other way around. So correction and also write it down. So you know, so I know, we'll all write it down. betting is not about knowing how much money you got out there. It's about taking wild ass risks to make you feel like the show isn't about the truth. No, never.

It's about what feels good. You know what I'm saying? You don't need to know who your actual son is. No, you don't need to know who the real father is. Exactly. He might feel as good to think that your son is a six foot seven day. People on my mother's side, we're tall. Yeah, that's what you tell me. That's my mom. My mother's five 11. My cousins are all taller than me. It's I hate it. It's just sucked be the shortest member of your extended family. Yeah, I have a cousin that's five, like five. And I mean, he's got the worst of anybody. But of course, I have the rest of them are all like, are they really six feet? Yeah, two uncles are like six, four, my little dick ass jeans. My uncle, my uncle

is a doctor. I'm much, I'm much prettier than all. Yeah, there you go. They got a pretty ass face. Yeah, would you take that? You'll take that. Sure. Over being a tall, ugly bitch. Yeah, my uncle is a doctor now, but only because they're all like naturally athletic. And then they never exercise. Right, right, right. And then they hit 30. And it's like, guess I'm fat now. Yeah, they don't care. They've lived a good life. They've lived a much better life than I ever will. Yeah, exactly. I'll never be able I see I watch them. I watch them just enjoy things like barbecues or a TV show. No, I don't over thinking it having a nice time. Yeah, Sunday fun days. Can you imagine kind of things? Yeah, that'd be awesome. Imagine

holding a sparkler on the fourth of July and extracting something out of it. Yeah. And not imagining jamming it into your fucking brain and not putting it in front of your dick and being like, look, my dick is a sparkler. That's how I was. Oh, yeah, yeah. There's something wrong with that. My dick sparkling. Yeah, whatever, though. Luckily, no one in my family is happy. My uncle pumped my two cousins with HGH really since they were like, like he was like, yeah, they're small in the growth spectrum. He's like a doctor. And now they're like both six, five. Really? And he's not that tall. So I could have been like fake. Yeah, he like just keep they're both like athletes now. Fuck. Yeah. I've said it before, but

I'll never forgive my doctor. Why doesn't every he told me I was going to be 64 or some shit. I never knew what I don't I didn't have a doctor like that. He would put you on the gross chart. I was told. Yeah, I never got I never got this chart done. There was never anything that was there was no none of that. Yeah, there's no doctor. I don't remember going to regular checkups or anything. I'll go to the doctor when I was sick. Yeah, but I don't know. My man doctor. I don't want to say his name. I mean, whatever he cares mangle doctor mangle. My man always came through with the lollipops. He always checked my little ass dick. He would check it for a while, actually, but just to make sure it was healthy. And

yeah, we're going to the doctor. Yes. Yes, we're going guys. My son. Are you sexually active? My son. My son has a dick that could black out the sun. I'm so proud of you. I don't know where you got that thing from. This is the art section. Your times savoring a Cosby spin off post verdict. Oh, a different world holds firm and fans hearts despite the tarnished legacy of its creator. Who cares? Like, what are you? It's a show from 40 years ago. Right? It's like, what? Who is this? Who's sitting around having debates? Like, can I enjoy a different world? Can I enjoy that guy flipping his sunglasses? That was a good bit. It's so stupid. I like that show. Adam, you had those glasses. Yeah, by the

way, let's not do it. I lost them. They came with my glasses. And then you went around talking about Dwayne Wayne. Point at them and reference for the first four years. Dwayne Wayne career. I thought his name was Dwayne Wayne. Yeah, Dwayne Wade spells his name. All types of. Yeah, D. Y. D. Y. A. Yeah, which is just a typo. It doesn't. There's no way is a type of that's not. There's no way that that's like this. You can't make it sound right. Just corrected. Yeah, it's fucked up. Whatever, man. His mom wanted some fucking agency in the spelling of her son's name. Yeah, she just didn't type for many. The Cosby show has become unwatchable since the dozens of sexual assault allegations against Bill

Cosby entered the media spotlight. It has it. Adam left the room. I think it has. I mean, I don't want to watch that shit. It's fucking weird. Yeah, that guy raped him. He was probably he probably raped someone the night before he did the Cosby show. Yeah, but it's like you don't watch and consume things and like I don't. It's hard not to think about it when you're looking at the motherfucker. No, it's not not for me. Really? Yeah, no. It doesn't come in. It doesn't. No, it's just a fucking TV show. I mean, if you needed to use it like a mask or something. Okay, well, then where does it where does it not? Where do you draw the line? I'm not saying that like, well, if you did rapes,

what if a guy just got like a parking ticket, but there's plenty of bad people that are here. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I guess raping and drugging. That's a specific line. So I don't know if that's one one person. No, I don't know if that's the line. I just know that that's past the line. I still have watched the Dr. Larry Nassar's standup special. Yeah, Polaris. Like I won't I don't listen to like Chris Brown or X XXX tend to see own or whatever the fuck. So you're glad he's dead. I am going on the record saying that. And guess what? Maybe maybe it was one of my shooters that did it. I don't know why. Why do people why are people sad? I don't know. They're like he had so much talent. His music fucking sucked.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't know, man. I get it, though. Most people in entertainment are bad people. So it's not even that most people are bad people. It's just it's just like it's just fucking entertainment. I mean, you can separate. It's not even a discussion about separating art from the artist. But like, it's just a fucking TV show. Right. You know, I mean, maybe if it wasn't this show about what a wholesome ass dad he what maybe if it was like some cartoon where he did a voice. Yeah, but everything's hypocritical. Yeah, everything you can say is it does inherently hypocritical. What do you mean? Everything you consume is hypocritical. Well, if you wear a pair of shorts, it's made by a four year old. Exactly.

Like it's like all these things are built on human suffering and exploitation that you sit there and consume. Yes, I think I think like having this like, you know, all I can't watch the show because of what Bill Cosby did is like an easy way to purchase some sort of moral purity for yourself because it's like you weren't watching the Cosby show anyways. It's very easy to say like, oh, I can't watch it anymore. It's like, how often were you sitting around watching the Cosby show? Yeah, but I mean, I mean, I get what you're saying. I mean, I don't know. I don't see the problem in not wanting to watch it because the guy raped. Do you know what I mean? Well, because it's like fake. I don't but it's not. I don't

want to. I mean, I don't know. I wasn't watching it. But if it fucking came up, I can't. It's weird. So if you were sitting around at somebody's house, they put on the Cosby show, you would say we have to turn this off. I would be like, we're going to watch Cosby. That's a strange choice. I would think it was a strange choice. Well, you just thrown on Cosby and everyone's going to laugh. It's weird, dude. If it just had to happen to come on the TV, you're sitting in a friend's house, you're watching TV, the Cosby show. First of all, please, you need to change the channel. No, we would start making Cosby as a rapist jokes. Sure, that's fine. But you would not be able to watch the show. No, I wouldn't be like, ah, my eyes

wouldn't fucking hurt. But if I'm like, I'm not going to watch it in the privacy of my own home. R star P. I. S. T. R star A. P. S. T. R. I'm an R star A. P. I. S. T. R. I love that. I love that song because he doesn't spell traps. No, you're a P. S. T. R. R. A. P. S. T. R. I'm a trapster. Is cheesy still make music? I think he's retired technically. I think so. But he just dropped. I respect him tremendously. He dropped something recently. Did he? Yeah. Remember liking cheesy. Me too. Yeah, like Motivation 101. It's a great album. There's a summer where I went to the gym every day and I listened to put on for my city every single day. There's a fucking you really should go back to the gym, dude.

That was like, come on. You don't have to bring this up. I mean, it's it's one of the saddest things I've ever witnessed. There are sadder things. There are sadder things in the world. No, the way that Janitor lady was looking at you. It wasn't a janitor. She was a personal trainer. She was just an older woman that had a trainer T shirt. Well, she had a janitor hue to her. Do you ever see people like that? You're like, how the fuck are you a trainer? Because it's fake. Yeah. Yeah. Um, I'm a T. R. A. P. S. T. R. There's a fucking intro to a song he did. So fucking funny. We're just they're like, if you're not rich, kill yourself. They're about to go. They're about to go to a strip club. He's like, if you are

rich, kill your sale. Have you ever seen that video that woman doing for a while was really into chug videos? Yeah, Nanette, a woman doing a Patron chug and she goes, I'm gonna do this for young GZ. And she's like this fat lesbian wearing a young GZ T shirt. No, that rocks chugs a bottle of Patron and immediately just face plans like really? Yeah. Yeah. It's so funny. Damn. Yeah. So much for doing it for you. Do it for young GZ. Funny videos are the videos that are like the wigger lesbians getting KO'd by men. I love that. No, no, what's up? Come see me outside. Just like call the police. You just hit a girl. Call the police. You just hit a girl.

All y'all late motherfuckers that ain't got no money. Please leave and exit the building. Kill yourself. That's how I feel about the underclaws. Me walking into a Popeyes. Get the fuck back. So I guess Britain's government is collapsing. Are they? Yeah. Who's that guy with the fucking? Theresa Mead? Oh, Boris Johnson. What's that guy's like? He looks like a bitch. He was mayor of London. He was a journalist before that. He's a he's a piece of shit. Yeah, he looks like a bitch. I don't know shit about. He was a Brexit guy. Why is it? It's falling apart because you can't do the Brexit. Yeah, she can't do that. Someone put me on Sky News or whatever the fuck. England's news is the sex is horrible. But the Brexit

I can't fuck. But the Brexit my bloke. Yeah, I want to wear one of those fucking red uniforms, a big furry hat. Put that in a bitch's pussy, the March Simpson hat. Just go on British TV and take take the piss. Get some. Oh, yeah, take the piss. I love to take the piss out of some of the love to take the piss right into a big van and it's a guy that lives in a van. Yeah. Trash can at that's about Roscoe. There's more fucking. It is a very funny bit. Is him like Eli from that rap rap battle video? The retard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's who your wife is fucking. Like a bad bisexual. Just sharply inhaling. I'm like Rosie O'Donnell with the best section. What does he say? That video is so funny. That was like one of my

first favorites. Where we at? We're a clock in an hour. All right. Now I hate to be the guy this week, but I got to go to this fucking audition. Okay. Well, let's have you watch this. I'm thinking about going back to ask to mouth aria. Because if I get stuck here right now, you guys doing that basketball tournament? If you're not gonna do it, I don't want to do it. Three on three. Would it the three of us be a basketball team? I think so. I don't know if you guys want to do it. I'll do it. But if you don't want to do it, let's not do it. All right. Okay. But we're at Skankfest this weekend, the 14th, I believe is our live show. And then we're all doing some stand up sets on it. Are you doing stand up on that

Sunday show? I don't know which one I'm on. Frantic. I'm not sure. But also, look how nice this looks. This Chinese guy in a field. That's a life I want. That is nice. Just be a rice farmer. I thought that it's in water. Don't they grow rice in water? I don't know, man. I just want to be out in a field, just my Chinese mind, the empty of all thoughts, waving my sword around in my plans. Nothing. Do you get a Louis CK bit about as his racist thinking that Chinese women are just thinking Chinese nonsense? That's just a funny bit. It's just nonsense. That is a great bit. It's just a funny bit. But stars not allowed to enjoy it because they can't stop thinking about the race. Congratulations

to Ian. Why are we congratulating Ian? For being a good guy. No, what are you congratulating him for? For getting past at the comedy cellar. Why is that funny? Go ahead and say it. This is a very bad comedian. That's right. There we go. You should have said that with gusto next time. I will also say with gusto. Like I said, I'm going to be in Charlottesville August 17th, then Baltimore the 18th and Philly on the 19th, do a little run there. Then we are at Cleveland on the fucking second and then Boston on the third in Cleveland. We're doing the live pods. That's all three of the boys. And then I am going to be in Chicago on the 21st and the 22nd of September and Detroit on the 23rd. My head to be cut off

by the cartel. I hope not. By the cartel or by ISIS? I don't know, but I feel like that would be a nice warrior's end. I'm out in my field. A decapitation. I'm out in my field doing dumb sword bullshit in the rice paddy. Remembering my days as a samurai in my dark warrior past. And then, you know, my son who I have no emotional connection to is like, father, there are visa doors at the gate. And then I look over and it's the Shogun, you know, and I'm like, go inside. Tell your mother to love the door. I have to have one last thing I have to do. And then they just cut my head off. Damn, you wouldn't fight back. You wouldn't go to the barn under the haystacks for your secret sword. I'm an old warrior dog.

No, you got to go out with the sword by the sword. Die by the sword. You can't get to take a guy out on the way out. It's got to be real hard to get a clean slice. You got to go to wax at least. Samurais know how to do that and they respect each other. I wouldn't respect your execution or too much to try and kill him. Yeah, well, because I mean, I've killed this guy's entire family. I killed his brother. Samurais were all gay, right? They were pedophiles. They're pedophiles. But back then they were, it was just called, you know, Ronan. Risman. It's called, I love Ronan children. Ronan, I love Ronan, we're little boys. Ronan the asshole. Ronan their asses. Yeah. All right. Well, we do have to

go. Nick's got a little business to take care of. Yeah. And fuck, I wish I was a shogun. He will be someday, dude. Just drinking sake, waving my fucking blades around. You know, isn't that reckless behavior from a shogun? Nah, just the shogun. I've got sake. I sit in my fucking temple or whatever. I've got my goons with me. And I have this boisterous exterior. But inside I'm tortured because I realized that life isn't as satisfying as I thought it would be at the, you know, and I'm like, I'm sort of like a King Solomon character. I've acquired all this wisdom and gold and it's meaningless to me. What I really want is to be out in the field, getting my head cut off. Yep. And some beautiful mutt

and fucking underwear and fucking Mack Weldon. We already did the read. Oh, okay. Well, that's a joke. Get what they pay for and not a fucking drop extra, baby. Goodbye, everyone. We'll see you soon. Bye.