The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 112 – Guilty conscience

Episode Date: July 19, 2018

i've never been more disappointed in the fanbase than i am this week. you really didn't need to bully those poor sp men

There's not enough hoes. And we've begun. Oh, did we already? Take that part out. No, it's good, man. What do you mean? All they heard was not enough hoes. They didn't hear the first part.

Oh, OK, good. Yeah, don't figure out what I said. I refuse to be figured out. We are fucking broadcasting live from my depression cave. In Astoria, a story of beautiful queens. We've come here to Astoria to look after our beautiful boy. So I've just come up lame.

I'm fucked up, bro. I'm fucking depressed, dude. My life's going to, I'm going to die here. You tell everyone what happened. OK, so first of all, I was the only one manly enough, brave enough to play in the Skankfest basketball tournament. My friends, my dear brothers in podcasting and in life,

Adam and Nick, abandoned me. I didn't abandon you. I mean, it's clear I've been wide open about the fact that I have zero athleticism. That's right, unlike me, who is, I am a great athlete. Damn, you see that? I just actually shot a piece of gum I was chewing into a cup.

Yeah, that could have been disaster. That was good. Anyway, I played in the Skankfest basketball tournament. Just the most athletic I've ever been was when I had the ponytail, which is a type of martial art. You can make fun of me all you fucking want. That's one of the key components to being a samurai.

Hell yeah, dude. You know, they said Samson's power was his hair. Well, how do you think he held it? Yeah. What is he supposed to do? Let his power just flop all over the place? Yeah, right. Yes, it's a beam.

It's like a focused beam of energy. That's what a ponytail is. You fucking assholes. Yeah, Nick, you have a ponytail. And people made fun of him on Twitch about it. It's weird. It's funny because I completely forgot about that. And then it's like, yeah, why did I do that?

Why did I let that happen to myself? Did your mom like it? No, I was in a relationship for two years, and I had long hair, and she was sort of into the long hair. But she just stopped fucking me. I mean, we didn't fuck for eight months towards the end. And it's like, was it because of that? 100%.

I know. I've had all these insecurities in my whole life for no. No, eventually she did. But she was honest about it. Which is nice because it's like the whole time I had just assumed she was, and then when she finally did, it was like, oh, that means you weren't the entire time. So it's like I found out I was getting cheated on,

but really I was finding out that I hadn't been getting cheated on for more months. It wasn't as bad as I thought. It's like when you find out that that tumor you've had, you're just filled with tumors, and you're like, well, it's not cancer. Yeah, that's what happened to me, yeah, in my mouth. Yeah, and you're like, guess what?

I just have a giant tumor on my face. I have a giant hole in my jaw now. Yeah, right. That food gets into. The guy who cheated on you have a ponytail. He had a sweeter, more like a ponytail. He just conditioned his hair into a gorgeous ponytail. Chopped to split ends.

Yeah. Yeah. And what have you got cheated on because your ponytail wasn't good enough? He had highlights. I don't know. I mean, yeah, I guess, yeah, that's the flaw. If you go long hair, you better be careful

because it can very easily turn into ponytail. Absolutely. You get one or two jobs where they make you do that. And then you realize the convenience. It's pretty convenient, yeah, I was going to say. You go to traffic court one time? Yeah. That lights out for you.

Absolutely. Dude, when I had long hair back in my high school days, I was a big fan of the little. You never once put it back. No, no, I was just going to say, I was a big fan of the little pony up top. The little sumo pony. I would do that shit.

That was a good look. That became like a sort of William and his father. But you never once put it back on your head. I never did, no. Never. Never, really, sincerely, never. I guess I should feel bad about myself. It wasn't that long.

It was like shoulder length, maybe. Oh, OK. Yeah, my hair got long as shit. Oh, really? We're talking titties and below? Oh, yeah, down to here. Because I didn't come out here for like two years. God damn, bro.

Did you do a thousand? Looking straight homeschooled. Looking like a mom who homeschools her kids. Oh, yeah. That's some fucked up hair. That's probably the worst kind of hair is homeschooled mom. They all have that same haircut, the homeschooled haircut. It's sort of like a bowl.

It's like a long as shit, and it's frizzy as fuck. That story about that dad that didn't let any of his kids leave the house for the ones who watch the movie ever? Also, I got to say it again, I guess, because with the SPD guys, anytime I've mentioned Reddit, there's these people that go on our Reddit, and he's like, how come he never talks about the subreddit?

It's like I talk about it all the fucking time. I've acknowledged it numerous times. Did someone say that? Yeah, there's always just some idiot that doesn't think I look at the fucking subreddit. I've acknowledged him all the time. I love the subreddit. They're mean to this small dick.

They were, which is like, and somebody pointed this out on there, but you need to learn how to just fucking enjoy things. How you think you're going to make it funnier than it already is? You're a fucking idiot. Also, props to Frankie Bianchi for tricking people into thinking he was going to kill himself.

Frankie Bianchi, I publicly called out for not being good at posting, and then he threatened to kill himself because of it, and then some of the other posters, and that's what you're giving him props for? Some of the other posters, who are usually better than Frankie, fell for it, and they said, don't do it, man. Gave out their personal phone number. Oh, so he trolled them.

He did. So this is what? Frankie just consumed you and took your spot in the hierarchy. Text them? Oh, I don't know. Probably something stupid. Yeah. I don't know if it's a good.

Probably some of them Rick Roll videos. Yeah, Meatspin. I don't know that it's a good idea to be praising people for suicide. Yeah, yeah, so now there's going to be a suicide arm race. A fake suicide arm race. A fake suicide. Look, we've created, or maybe I've created,

a weird death cult that we're all a part of. And either you lean in and you try to find the eye of the storm, or you let this shit kill you. There's no out at this point. We should just start a rule. You're the fucking god of destruction and death. I'm like the happy Buddha character. You're sort of the joy.

I'm Bacchus. You're like fat and eating a lot. And then you're like someone who's gay. I'm like Pan. I'm like kind of a fairy, but maybe I have goat's legs. Yeah, you're a fairy. You're a little fairy. Yeah, I'm playing on a lute.

You're the fairy of snitching, the god of snitching. I have a child's upper torso and a goat's lower torso. But the goat has a little dick for goats. Of course. As far as goats go. As far as goats go, the small one. You're a suckleberry dick. Suckleberry dick.

Thank you for everyone. Thank you for everyone who came to Skankfest to our show. Top Sawyer and suckleberry dick. One day, Tom was sucking a dick. And then the suckleberry dick came by. I'll pay you to suck these 400 dicks. And the biggest dick of them all. Aunt May said I had to suck the whole every dick in town.

And the biggest dick of them all belonged to Beep Jim. That's funny. Hey, there goes Adam doing jokes. Adam's on the board. Adam's got his confidence back. I got a lot of confidence from all the really nice people I met at Skankfest. Yo, shout out to everyone.

I'm sorry I couldn't make it to you. They really wanted to go. I got to say that they were really, it was really cool to see all those people. And we're sorry we couldn't do a full show. Nick and I did not have the confidence to do a full pod without stopping. You could have done it.

And then we did 20 minutes up top and we could have kept going. We surprised ourselves. We did 10 minutes up top and we were running out of steam. No, that's not true, Nick. You could have done it with a guess. We surprised ourselves. I mean, I wish I could have been there. You are our beautiful safety blanket.

But no, that was, it went better than I expected. I wish I could have been there for the skanks. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I wasn't there, guys. I was planning on getting really high. Oh yeah, so I popped my, I didn't even say what happened. And in the fucking tournament, I fucking, I just jumped two inches off the ground. No, first of all.

And then gravity did the rest. It was a very normal motion. And I just heard a fucking, just a pop in the bottom of my fucking foot. And then like a fucking idiot, I played the rest of the game on one foot because I'm a champion. Knocked down a couple of fucking jumpers off one foot. No big deal, like dirt.

Yeah, it's funny. Dave Smith came up to me and he was like, yeah, I was the only one encouraging Stavros to not continue to play on his injured foot. Yeah, I mean, it was dumb. That is that libertarian logic. That's true. I should have listened.

He used facts and reason. He was right. I don't know why the foot, I mean, I just listened. Although it was really fun, I got to say. But yeah, and now I'm fucked up. I have a cast on my fucking left foot. I can't really fucking walk. Stavros basically just glued to one spot on his couch,

which has kind of a damp ring around him. Don't smell this fucking cushion. I'm not going to. I got to fucking take a shower. I got to put a bag around my fucking cast and then put a towel on that shit. I'll put a bag around your cast, if you know what I'm talking about. I don't.

My cock? Your cock. Condom. It's a condom. It's pretty fucking sexy. Where's the time? We are at, I want to say, 15 minutes, oh, 10 minutes. I'm about to go out of town for a couple of days, guys.

Oh, yeah. I'm jealous. Yeah. I'm needing the woods. I need the woods right now. Yeah, we're going to a national park. I'm really, I need to get out. A white national park.

White national park. All the user Vs. We should go to, when we go to that fucking trip down south, we should go to the fucking woods. Yeah, I'm going to North Crackalacca. Yeah, you go. So if you want to kick my ass, I will be in the state of North Carolina.

Somewhere in North Carolina. Somewhere just, you can just look for me. Will be just a car full of Jews. It's not going to be a car. It's going to be an RV. Recreational vehicle. That in there. I'm really stoked about it.

Although I'm nervous about it. Can you drink in the back? Is it still open container? The chairs, dude. If someone's driving. Who gives a fucking an RV? There's no laws in an RV. It's because that's the thing.

That's why you can do whatever you want. You can fuck whoever you want. The chilling starts immediately once everyone gets into the RV. It's not like you wait to get to the place. Well, there's one sober guy. Well, then he can drive. But it's going to be like to get down there. It's going to be like 12 hours.

We're going to have to do shifts. That's brutal. When's the last time you went on a fucking big ass road trip? I haven't been on one in forever. Yeah. You went across America with Brandon Wardell. It's hilarious. He wouldn't share a fucking bed with me that fucking slut.

You wanted to share a bed with Brandon? For cost-cutting measures. He made you get your own hotel room? We got an Airbnb. And I was like, yeah, motherfucker, we're just going to split a bed. He made you sleep on the floor. He slept on the fucking floor.

That's such a classic brand. I wasn't sleeping on the fucking floor. So selfish. He slept on the floor to his credit. But I think he was trying to get me to sleep on the floor. Oh my god. What? Travis Barker almost died again.

Oh no, dude. This guy can't stop almost dying. I'm sorry. Nick, what are you looking at on your fucking phone, man? Trying to find good content. Let's find the contents in your heart, man. It is in my heart. Here's some good content.

My heart hurts, and it's tight from having a little too much fun the other night. Yeah, Nick. Do we all have bad content? You guys need to stop predicting my death. That's something I can't deal with. A Nick death pool? Yeah, I mean, I look.

We all know it's going to happen, all right? But just, you know, it's your opening. Let me just peek at the Christmas presents. No, don't. Nick and I were talking last night. Wouldn't it be funny if it ended up being anorexia nervosa that didn't make? Yeah.

Yeah, I've had this weird thing where the last two and a half days, I haven't had any appetite. I just went 48 hours without eating. I didn't even think about it. Damn, I'm jealous. Just laying in bed, wasting away. Dude, it's been wild out here. Since I got hurt, me and Eldis have just

gone buck-ass fucking wild. I think you may have gained 10 pounds, and Nick may have lost 10 pounds. That's what I took the appetite from you, brother. Yeah. It's because we had. You had to give it back. We had some back-to-back nights where it's

whole pockets of dessert. I was saying the other day, I'm ready for the Chinese to come in and just throw me in a fucking labor camp. I can't imagine how that wouldn't be better than my life. There's so many ways. It's going to happen. Your mattress will be better. You'll sleep on a nicer thing.

You'll have television now, but you don't back in the prison camp. I just want to be in prison by the Chinese. No, man. It's going to be so funny with the Chinese star. The Chinese concentration camp, like Nick, with just a full grin on it. Just a big smile on my face.

Can we do grass? Don't get me wrong. So I want watching everybody around me die, waiting for it to happen myself. Yeah, but they wouldn't kill you. Of course not. They'd just break my shoulders. They'd put me in the fucking ropes and snap my shoulders.

I could just writhe in pain on the bottom of a cell. I can't wait to be a traitor to the America and the Chinese. Yeah, how are we going to make the Chinese like us when they take over? Right, well, they would probably assume you're some kind of deity. Exactly, yeah. Exactly.

I'm Buddha, dude. I'm the lord of fucking mirth. How are we going to prove our worth to the president? Dumpling eating. Xi Jinping or whatever his name is. I will be a competitive dumpling eater. I don't know about you guys. You're going to be a dumpling eater?

Yeah, I don't think they have competitive eating competitions. Yes, they do. I think I'll prove it. I'll prove it. How about competitive shitting competitions? I'm not as good at shitting. You go to Coney Island and there's a Japanese guy that just opens his asshole and he's like, what?

He just takes the biggest shit in the entire world. And all these huge, fat American guys try to out shit them, but they can't. Because they've destroyed their GI tract by overeating. Where's that Japanese guy trains for one thing? What's he with? Hot dog guy? What's his name?

Kobayashi. We probably have such beautiful turds. I've had some tough ones, man. Kobayashi's amazing. He's like jacked. He's not that jacked. Joey Chestnut beats his ass. He can squeeze his stomach.

No, he can squeeze the hot. He can make his stomach into a trash compactor to make more space. That's pretty cool. There's that episode of King of the Hill where the ring of fat stops a fat American competitors. If your stomach expands. If your king of the pill and it's a guy that's like,

sell OxyCotin. And OxyCotin excursions. There you go. That's good. Yeah. Or King of the Pill. And he's like, you can come inside of me. I won't get pregnant.

Bobby, go ahead and bust inside of me. On the pill. Yeah. Bum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba-dum-ba. Bum-ba-da, bum-ba-da, bum-ba-da, bum-ba-da, bum-ba-da. Will you bust inside just off rip? No, right? That's crazy.

What do you mean? If someone says I'm on the pill, will you bust inside? I always bust inside. If they say that. Even if they're a stranger? Two pumps. Dude, the bustings inside I've done in somebody just like, well, not so many, but situations where it's like,

do not come in this place. Crazy, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it's like, just an absolute mistake. You've never been pregnant? No, never. I think I've got like just fucked up mutant cum because there's been numerous times where I remember like, yeah, I didn't get my period for like two months

and then I just bled horrifically. Oh, god. Oh, yeah, that happens. Yeah. That's the Lord vetoing you having a son. Yeah, yeah, for sure. That's God stepping in. Your sperm only promotes silver.

Yeah, I'm probably just going to adopt a chimp at some point later in my life. That'd be terrible. Yeah, just, and then teach it to rip off faces. Like Dexter, you know? That's so cool. Because that's why, that's the plot of Dexter. It's like, do you adopt a chimp?

But all these people are like, no. Mr. Pringles wouldn't rip off faces, you know? So they just ignore that hidden element of the chimp. But if you start day one and you say, look, you stum monkey fuck, I know you want to rip my dick and face off. So we're going to practice that. We're going to be bad guys facing the dick.

Only people I disagree with on the internet. I teach it to show pictures of Liam and keep Liam in check. The yin and yang of my online enforcement army. Liam in the chimp. That chimp? I sick Liam on people. And in case Liam ever turns on me, I got that chimp that's ready to rip all of his cystic acne right off his face.

Wouldn't you be doing him a solid in that case? Yeah, probably. In fact, Liam would probably look a lot better if his face was ripped off by a chimp. Oh, that's mean. I used to have cystic acne. Real something real. It was the worst.

You went on Accutane. I went on Accutane. I don't want to die. My back acne came back now at 29 years old. So I have. Because you're cycling. You know, it's so funny because people think that. And I'm like, not.

And then I get acne and I have anger problems. Maybe someone's slipping you. Who gives you steroids? You're getting refeed steroids. What if someone was secretly giving you steroids and that's why you're jacked now? Maybe. Yeah, I just haven't been going to the gym at all. Somebody's just been injecting steroids

into my brainstem while I'm asleep. Would that work, dude? I would do that shit. Yes. How do I get jacked with no work whatsoever? I'm scared I'm going to die, dude. I can't be in this fucking apartment. You just be black.

I'm scared, dude. That's true. That's a good point. Yeah, you're not going to die, dude. You could walk in 10 days, they said. Yeah, but those are going to be a tough 10 days. So you've got to find some. You've got to do like old lady chair exercises,

like exercises old ladies can do like while they're sitting in a chair, like raising your arms up into the sides, calisthenics. All right. Oh, yes, Richard Simmons. How much you've been beating off? I have not been. I've been kind of sad, dude.

I'm scared, dude. I'm scared to be alone. You maybe should beat off, try to correct your shit. Actually, I'd beat off. I mean, medically speaking, you probably should. It's so funny how much that solves. Jacking off? And it's kind of fucked up, because I'll get into a real

dark place. So I'll just beat off. And then it's like, man, here I am. Yeah, I'm addicted to coming. It's like you're pulling yourself out of the woods. It's good. It's meant for that. You're supposed to come a bunch, I think.

You're supposed to come once a day for your cock health. Is that true? Well, it's going to be so funny when all those no-fap guys just get prostate cancer at like 34. Yeah, exactly. It's for a prostate. It's good for your prostate. It's as dumb as if you were like, yeah,

this is the no, we hold our breath as long as we can throughout the day. And that's got to be really good for our brain and lungs. I'm team no shit. I'm team no shit. Yeah, yeah. It's what that shit wants to pay. My friend was telling me about, he's like my best friend

growing up. We went to different schools. But he told me about this kid at his school that held his shit in so long. He was anal retentive. Held his shit in too long that he impacted his fucking colon. And they had to install a colostomy bag. So his kid had a bag of shit because he

wouldn't unclench his asshole. And it's so funny that Freud just figured all that out. He's like, some kids just hold in all the shit in their ass because they're not developed properly mentally. Wait, he was retarded? I don't know. Well, I had a. I don't know.

You know, it's a fun game is shoving dice in your ass. Oh, yeah. Oh, I like a game of chance. A game of chance. And you can place bets on it even. Whether the dice will come out of your ass or not. Yeah, and what numbers will they be? And that's a type of bet you can place on betdsi.com.

Wow, really? Yeah, betdsi.com, the premier sports betting website that also offers betting on things like shoving dice in your ass. Shitting them out and guessing the numbers. That's Bangkok style. They call that Hooverville Yahtzee, baby. When you live in your shanty town,

you can't afford a Yahtzee cup. Just shove some dice up your ass. Interesting. And it'll make you feel full because you've been eating paint. It painted. You've been stealing off the shutdown schoolhouse. Anyways, check it out on betdsi.com. Download their award-winning mobile app.

It's easy to use. Play bet win. You can bet anywhere. They offer live in-game wagering. That's right. So you can change your mind on things, which I love doing. I love completely contradicting myself. Waffling, flip-flopping.

Motherfucking John Kerry out here. Believing in nothing. Melty-faced Kerry. Remember that fucking board they had him on? Where he was flip-flopping. Surfboard? That's you. Yeah.

You bet on the 2004 presidential election. You could. You could go back in time. I bet George was going to win. Yep. And you can do it all on betdsi.com. Betdsi.com, bitch. Another thing you missed.

You guys have picks? Here's the thing, too. When you do the picks, you have to make sure that they're not for things that'll happen before the episode is released, which has been a problem. We've encountered. I've predicted plenty of accurate things. Well, I don't fucking know, man.

Baseball's on now. The World Cup just ended. My picks were kind of dog shit. I'll admit that. I said Belgium was going to win. My bad. I fucked up. I don't know, what the fuck is there even coming up?

Baseball? Baseball kind of sucks, Dick. I think it's an all-star game. Bet the fucking AL, dude. Fucking hell. I have no idea what's going on in baseball. Here's the thing. Either the AL wins or the NL wins.

So true. I'm going to say NL. So it's like, OK, I picked the AL. I picked the NL. Gentlemen are locks of the week. Those are our locks of the week. One of us is going to be right. Right.

I'd say it's a draw out to 17 innings, and they just give the medal to a retarded kid. They pick a retarded kid out of the stands. That's good. And they let him eat the baseball. Do you get home field for the World Series? No, that stopped. That stopped?

Yeah. That was dumb as shit. That's dumb. All-star games in general are pretty dumb. Well, it's a nice summertime thing. NBA actually was cool this year. I'm sorry. How they pick?

Come on, Derby's cool. Like team LeBron versus team. Yeah, that was tight. Yeah, so yeah. So bet that on betdsi.com. Betdsi.com. Use promo code capital C, lowercase um25, to get a free $25 wager, and they'll

match your deposit up to 200%. So you slam that fucking money down. Slam it, motherfucker. You just slam your hand right on that asshole. You ever do that? You ever play a bitch's asshole like a French guy's mouth? 100%. You ever want to know this?

I love it. Hey, man, it's me, Pierre. You know, like betdsi.com. Check it out. Anyways, we're back. You know you fuck a bitch good when her asshole goes home. When it starts speaking French. Did France win the World Cup?

Yes, they did. There's a bunch of French people on the train singing, what is it, Aller Le Bleu? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know idea. They were just drinking Medello Tallboys on the train. Yeah. And it's like, oh, I hope your French ass goes to jail.

Shut up, not in my country. Stop it with that language. I don't want to hear it. I saw a bunch of fucking crust punks just take over an R train. They had their fucking dog walking. Disgusting. Just loose, no leash. Disgusting.

Get a job. They were real deal crust punks, too. Not just like around here, motherfuckers. Is it true that most crust punks are like middle class? I don't fucking know. Or did someone, did I make that up? You probably made it up. All right, whatever.

But who's doing that research? Yale, actually, Nick. The university. I knew a kid named Yale growing up. Yale? And not even growing up, he went to high school with me. And he had a name tag that said Yale at a college event. And I walked up, and I was like, what's up, man?

You going to Yale? Pretty good, huh? You got his ass. Another thing you missed at Skankfest was free bet DSI swag. What? I got bet DSI hat. I got bet DSI polo.

Are you kidding? I got bet DSI t-shirt. I want to rep the squad. Yeah, dude. I'm becoming through with that bet DSI shit all summer long. What the fuck, dude? I got one of those five panel military style hats with a zipper on the side.

It says bet DSI on the front. Adam, why don't you tell everybody about the movie you saw? Looks like Zach Delarroca. What? Why don't you tell everybody about the movie you saw? I saw, well, I got stomach flu. I watched three Mission Impossibles. Damn, nice.

And then last night, I saw a movie about, it's called Three Identical Strangers. It's about these three triplets that found each other. What? At 19. Did they start fucking? And then they all became best friends, got an apartment together in New York City.

What? Yeah. That's fucking heartwarming as shit. And then turns out that the adoption agency was doing this study in conjunction with this Yale psychologist who was a Holocaust survivor on twins, which is ironic that a Holocaust survivor would be doing those kind of, but he wanted

to know what makes it, it was a whole nature versus nurture thing. So he put them with three different socioeconomic families. Jesus Christ, really? And then they visited the kids until they were 18, like doing science experiments on them. What the fuck? That's so fucked up.

Yeah, and then, yeah, it was pretty fucked up. Dude, what did they get fucked up? Yes. Am I going to get in trouble for ruining a movie? No, not a documentary. People get mad at me. It's a documentary. One of them committed suicide.

Ah! Yeah. What? The poor one? He wasn't poor. They actually all, it was when they all became famous, they all got on Donahue and the Today Show and shit. And then they were going to Studio 64.

It was 1981. They got pussy out of it? And they were definitely triple teaming girls. That rocks. They were like, they loved to get fucked up. Respect to those guys. That would be so sick to be 19 and find out you have a twin brother.

Just to turn the corner on the street and see another stop and be like, you fucking rule, dude, go out together, triple team girls. That would fucking absolutely work. Damn, this storm is awesome. Yeah. There's a crazy. Dude, their storm is based.

Their storm is based. Dude, my friend. I'm getting into storms, dude. My friend. Storms are mechs, man. Yeah, just that's what I meant. By storms, I meant black women that aren't disgustingly fat. My black women with great silver hair.

Yeah, you know, you control the weather. Suck my dick off of the tornado. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking whirlpool. My nuts. I want to get pegged by a cloud.

Yeah. Make it lower the pressure in my ass so it gets real tight and just blast it open with some thunderbolts. Hell, yeah. That would rock. Damn, I would love to be sexually abused by anybody, really. You know, you just want to get a homeless person.

Really? I'm into that. You know, I keep discovering new things about myself. Yeah. You'd be shit in being sexually abused by a homeless person. It would be freeing. Look at this buttplug looking ass bully you have. In what sense would it be freeing?

I mean, you know, what's the worst thing that could happen? I see. You surrender at all. Just being beaten and raped. Ultimate surrender. Yeah. Oh, ultimate surrender. That is true freedom.

That is the, yeah. You know, I mean, Hemingway said, you can never destroy a man. You can only defeat him. And then what happened? He fucking killed himself by trying to hold that up. Go ahead. Destroy my ass. Yeah.

I'll live forever. Who cares? Yeah. Who cares? Fucking turn that shit into a little pile of applesauce. That's like those guys that get really into being raped in prison. That's out of type of guy.

Yeah, they get turned out. And then they're like, that's right. I'm a prison one. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. Yeah. I love brushing my hair. It's looking pretty.

Then you get out of jail and my nails nice. You know, people were like, are you OK? And they're like, I think so. You go back to your wife. It's fascinating what can happen to a human being's mind. In prison or just anywhere in life, just the way people can be distorted and fucked up and traumatized.

Yeah. Yeah, Stockholm syndrome is fucked up. Yeah. You know, that's one example. Ooh, let's see what else. Hey, the fucking school system. That's brainwashed. Yeah, I guess it's like, I don't know,

so much of maintaining mental health is like having some kind of understanding of who you are and feeling like there's some sort of consistency to that. True, yeah, 100%. So when your sense of self is so completely violated that to survive, you have to just reprogram and become somebody different, it's like. Yeah, that fucks you up big time.

It just so fucks you up. Just a little cock loving slut? Yeah. You go, you have to be like, I love this. This is me. Yeah, right. I love wearing miniskirts made out of extra pajama pants from the jail.

Yeah. I love wrapping my making a fucking makeshift thong out of gauze from the medical family and getting fucked in my ass. Yeah. Damn, this storm is about to get buck. I love twerking for. Stop, where's the time in?

The time is at 30 minutes. 30 minutes? Yeah, I guess I should talk about, what am I just discussing? So I had that killsteen roast. Oh, yeah. Heard you fucking crushes a little bit. Yeah, yeah. But I don't know.

I mean, that shit makes me think about, you know, because I don't, it's like, I've taken this hard stance with like, why are people giving this guy a platform? I didn't want to do the roast, because I don't want to be part of his rehabilitation or whatever. But I see the guy, and I've never met him once in my life. Really? Never met him.

You're just mean to him online. Because I thought he was full of shit. Sure, which he was. Which he was. I mean, that's like. He is. He is. He's still full of shit.

And I see him, and he's like, buddy. And he's trying to give me a hug and shit. You've never met this guy once. Never met him. That's wild. And he's acting like, you know, we're pals or whatever, which is like, go ahead and dislike me. You should fucking dislike me.

I've like publicly criticized you at a time when it was like, there was no reason to do that. I was just being spiteful and shitty. I mean, I was like maybe 40% sure that you were just doing all that as I could put on to find some kind of place for yourself and like your career or whatever. But I didn't know. You should hate me, and you should fucking be mean to me

when you see me. Right, right, right. And then we do the roast or whatever. And afterward, I mean, I felt bad for the guys. I'm like, good job or whatever. But it's like, still like, hey, yeah, great. Some of your masters are like, if you ever need anything, you know what?

I don't know. He's got a lot of power in the entertainment industry. You need Taekwondo lessons. He's a real mover and shaker. Yeah, I don't know. That's been fucking with my head. I mean, he's just scared of you. I don't even know what I want to say about it.

What part of it's fucking with your head? I just don't like the lack of consistency that someone could have. It could just, it just, I don't. Or like the spectacle of a roast. Well, no, that's being like. I can't put my finger on it. But some has been fucking with me like since that.

That's kind of what you're talking about though, about like what the human mind. You know what it is? Honestly, because it's like, here's this person. And people are going to hate this. They don't want to listen to it. But the honest answer is like, here's this person that's being nice to me.

And I still have this instinct to like, no, fuck this guy. I'm going to be mean to him. Yeah, because he's being disingenuous though. But so what? He's being nice to you because he's afraid of you. I still have like an empathetic response. Well, I mean, I don't, I don't feel like I'd ever be in his position because I wouldn't, you know.

Yeah, I wouldn't pretend to be somebody for years. I wouldn't. But the second it got, there was some people. It crumbled. Very few, very few people would do that. Yeah. But the position he's in is like unenviable. Nobody wants to be, you know, a pariah on both sides.

But who the fuck? It's his own goddamn fault. I mean, tell him, get him. He's just afraid of you, Nick. Because you're scary. That's fine. That might motivate whatever he's doing. But it's still like, I don't know.

I don't understand my own impulse to like shun and punish this person. Because you are someone that abides by certain like, like prince. No, that's bullshit. I mean, not any more than, not any more than, not any more than anybody else. No, that's not true.

You definitely have a higher moral. No, I don't. You don't. I really, I don't. I don't. Most people beg for it. It's not about me. It's just, I don't like, you know, I don't know.

It's been fucking with me. I don't understand my own impulse to like shut this guy out or like try to. He's not your fucking friend. He's not my friend. But I mean, it shouldn't concern me. I don't know why it does. And I guess, you know.

So you're saying you should have pitied him. Well, no, to have to. Well, I do. I mean, I do. Pitied the fool. I do. But yeah, I don't know. Just having like, because you know, it's like on my head,

I know, yeah, I wouldn't give this guy a platform and don't, you know, whatever. But then when it's somebody actually like, you're talking to them face to face and, you know, they're continually trying to hug you and be your friend. It's like, hard to, you know. But I think that if you're expressing this, I think that that that signifies like an adequate,

empathetic response to like. I'm not trying to gauge my own. I'm just saying to a genuinely awkward social interaction between like someone that is like trying to suck your dick because he's afraid of you. No, you know what it is? It's because I have like a big problem with this. I guess there's like a cultural imperative right now

to shame and punish people. Right. And like, I would like to think that I'm not participating or contributing to that in any way. Yeah. Even though I'm like going through the small dick problems Reddit reading them out. I was literally about to say.

And it's like, oh, I do it all the time. Yeah. All the things that because like that was like a that was a problem I had with like, you know, because I'm like a, I guess a free speech guy. Yeah. And then yeah, the storm fucking is awesome. Makes on a roll and we got a fucking.

I want to go to the fucking jungle, you know, be rained on and raped by tarantulas. You want to get raped. Just big ass spiders in your ass. No, you know, I'm like kind of like a free speech guy in like 2014 where people started like drawing lines in the sand or whatever. There's plenty of like formerly libertarian guys that

eventually just became all right. And then, you know, we do Gavin's show and he's talking about how he gives a shit about free expression. Then he's like, trans people shouldn't be allowed to talk to children. Yeah. You know, and it's like, what the fuck are you talking about? He's like, well, I would what am I supposed to explain this

to my children? You know, it's like, they don't really give a shit about freedom or whatever. And it's like the same thing now where I don't like, I don't like, and I take it way too far with like, you know, where I say, oh, we shouldn't shame this person or address this thing or she ignore it. But then I ignore that entirely when it's something

convenient to me or, I don't know, that bothers me. It fucks with my own sense of like integrity. And it's like, well, maybe I have as little integrity as Jamie. It's just put in a position where it's not challenged. Because what you can do is carve out a way for yourself to just have a slight enough divergence from whatever popular opinion is to seem like you're thinking on your own. But you're not, really.

You're just like slightly pigheaded on a couple of issues. Right, right, right, right. So I guess that's, yeah, I don't know, it's been fucking with me a lot. Well, I guess the point of a roast is to shame, right? It is to publicly shame. It's not the roast, no, the roast, the point of the roast is to be funny.

I mean, I enjoy doing the roast. By being mean, by shaming someone. I mean, by writing jokes and doing jokes. Sure, yeah. But like, yeah, I guess so. I mean, I enjoy, you know, I mean, Jamie had a, Jamie's joke about a come town is named after my mustache is a funny joke. That's a good joke.

Yeah, I enjoy being part of a comedy show. Sure. So it's not the roast itself. It's like, no, it's my own impulses and, because I didn't ask, I don't want to be nice or to be nice. No, I'll tell you what it is. It's like, my impulse was to say, I don't want to fucking do this roast.

I don't want anything to do with this guy. Gotcha, gotcha. You know, doing the roast itself is nice. It's nicer for me to do the fucking roast than to not do the roast and say shut this guy out. Right, right, right, right. You know, I mean, if he wants to rehabilitate his image, I mean, he did get railroaded over a fucking bullshit thing,

but it's also like, he's not actually friends with us, just like he wasn't actually friends with all the people he threw under the bus when he took a hard 180 after he was accused of shit. I mean, whatever, I don't, I don't know. I don't know, it's not funny, but whatever, fuck it. I have a podcast so I can talk about things if I want to. But I don't see that as an issue.

I don't see your response as a fucking, particularly as an issue or showing that you don't fucking, like, I don't see that as a problem to have that, ultimately, you did the fucking roast. You didn't shut him out, but even if you wanted to shut him out, then who gives a fuck? Yeah, also, if you said you didn't want to do it because you don't want to be part of whatever he's doing, that

would have been fine too. Yeah, no, I felt like I had to because I don't want people saying, like, oh, Malin's afraid to do it. No, but come on. That was the only reason I did it. Right, but that's people pressuring you. That's not, that's not reality. Well, I mean, it's like, because I'm not, and I'm, you

know, I just don't like doing roasts because I think they're a stupid gimmick. I'd rather just be bad at stand-up comedy. I'd rather just continue to do mediocre feature-level stand-up comedy. And have sold out headlining shows where people come to see me and then just sort of do my job. Now, dude, the more shows you do, the better you'll get.

I guess, man. I'm jealous of how much you still care about stand-up. I love stand-up, dude. I wish I still had that in my heart. It's the only thing I care about. Instead of fantasies of being demoralized in a Chinese prison. Having four-day-old low-main porch on your head. Just being scalded by China and forced to clean a toilet

with my tongue. Nah, dude, it's fine. I bet you if you get on the road, you'll fucking enjoy it. Because doing a couple hours in a night feels good, dude. It feels like you're fucking making progress. Yeah, you seem pretty energized after poor London, Seattle. I can't wait. In September, I got a whole rack of dates that I'm doing.

Yeah, that is cool. What about this Jamie Philstein, and we Phil his ass with cum? Yeah, yeah. OK. I'm listening. Or gay me, Dickstein, and gay, of course, G-A-Y me. We got him. And you can't object to that, because he's not an SJW anymore?

That's right. That's fucking great. Let's check in, mate. See, what I like to do, Nick, is never worry about any of the, never think about a coat, like how I should behave or just try and fucking, I don't know. I don't really know. Try and have sex.

Although, I'm tired of that, too. Well, I'm naturally bad at social skills. So I'll always be insecure about that. So I overthink. I count my supposed to behave, because I'm a robot. Right, right, right. So I can't. If I didn't think about how I'm supposed to behave,

I would probably be in jail. You're a lot less of a robot than you give yourself credit for. I think that you have the right social impulses. Well, I don't want to turn this into a pity party or whatever. It's not a pity party, but like, you're a gay bitch, actually. Yeah, you are also gay, yeah. You're also a homosexual, man. See, this is a problem when we don't hang out as boys.

We have earnest conversations on the podcast. You should be avoiding it all cause. I've been laughing about how you keep talking about gay men kissing your neck and chest. That's hot, bro. Yeah, it's sexy. It's sexual. Speaking of, if you're gay, or if you're straight,

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Just caress your nuts. And we're back to my struggle session. Nah, dude, it's all right. We're all gonna, we're, I think we're probably due for a pretty depressing, because Adam is about to leave, so we're probably gonna have another CUMTOWN classic when we're sad, because I'm sad about my foot. Yeah, dude, I was depressed all weekend,

because I was like vomiting. I was alone, dude, just in the, oh, me and I was real. We all had a bad weekend. It was a tough one. Yeah. But you know what, guys, we've got each other. Have you guys ever been immobile? Have you ever been forced in your home

for extended periods of time? I got shingles after I told my parents I was gonna be, I wanted to be a clown and not a lawyer. You got shingles? Yeah, I got so stressed out, I got shingles. Damn. How long do you have to stay in the home? I was in bed for like a week.

Damn, bro. Yeah, it's like chicken pox, but it like, it was on my chest and it like wraps around to your back. What the fuck? Yeah, it was fucked up. Never an injury of any kind. I watched all of Mad Men. What?

Never an injury? Nick, do you ever have like anything? No, just a flu. I've never been laid up. You've never been fucked up? Damn. Never. Just, you guys ever had surgery?

Just really bad hangovers and shit. Oh, yes. I used to love that part of a hangover, actually. Yeah, dude. Feeling awful. When I was miserable and I would just lay on the floor in the shower and throw up directly under the drain.

I would rock. I'm serious. Because it's like. I like having a reason to feel like this. Exactly. You're like, I can't help it. It's the alcohol that's making me feel horrible. This is why I want to die.

And you're sweating. Yes, dude. I love that shit. And you're sweating and the sweat smells like alcohol? Yeah, sometimes you just drink for the hangover. Dude, I eat like that. The best part of eating like shit, I mean, it tastes great. But then when you just fucking feel like shit

and you just have to lay down and it's like, your body's slowly shutting down. This just sucks. I'm so tired of it. I wish I could just be happy. I just hate this so much. I know. And it'll just never end.

Yeah, man, you could go to therapy. I've told you a hundred times. No, that won't do it. Maybe the focus is on happiness is the wrong focus. Maybe no one will ever really be happy. Yeah, that's the way to think about it. Tap that app. You'll never be happy.

And neither will anyone else. Right? No, man, you will be happy. What are you being a bitch for? I feel like I've been getting happier. If you're never going to be happy, then it doesn't matter if you're not happy. That's some fucking dumbass Buddhist shit, dude.

Yeah, I'm Buddhist, dude. I've been learning about Buddha. People seem to go Buddhist. I've been smoking that Indonesia, dude. People seem to go Buddhist and claim it's like a religion. Is it? What? Did you hear that sentence?

Yeah, people go Buddhist and claim that it's a religion. And claim to think that it's a religion. Is it a religion? I wish I could be as dumb as stop. You could be, dude. Dude, just fucking surrender. Don't think. Say whatever the fuck comes into your head.

The thing is, it's not as hardcore as being a fucking Muslim or Catholic or some shit. Well, nothing's as hardcore as being a Muslim. Yeah, dude. You got to get different clothes. Yeah, you got to get chinstrap beard. Well, being an Orthodox Jew, you got to get different clothes for that, too.

That's what I'm saying. There's plenty of different clothes. Thank you to the Cumboy who DMed me that video of that Orthodox guy in a strip club just getting just the fattest ass just slamming against his cock, just getting absolutely destroyed by this stripper. Yeah. I want to watch an Orthodox rabbi.

If you're in the East Village at that Schwitz, at the Russian baths, they're Orthodox guys. It's like co-ed, and girls are in bikinis. And then there'll be Orthodox guys sitting next to girls, bikinis, which they most certainly are not allowed to do. Oh, yeah. And they'll be sitting there like, are they hard? You can tell that they're going to go jack off so furiously

to it. That rocks. But yeah, they all have terrible, spindly, awful bodies. And they're still wearing yarmulkes in the sauna. Yeah, it's really disgusting. That's fucked up. One of them was going on a rant once when I was there about, had the Balazios putting socialism

into the school textbooks. Well, it's true. Yeah, it is, yeah. But speaking of some good stuff. You were saying earlier that Alexandria Kezio Cortez, your girlfriend, is already cucked on Israel? Oh, yeah. So now we are actually officially dating.

I've told her to revise her Israel stance. I'm dating Black Dasha. Oh, yeah, who is Black Dasha? I have no idea. Someone sent that to me, and it's perfect. She looks good. Yeah. What if we did start dating Black Dasha?

How would you feel, Adam? I'd feel great, dude. I feel like we could be real brothers. If she had siblings, I'd tell you to date them. Can I date her mom and dad? Yo, her. Adam wants to talk to her. That's all I'll say.

That's all I'll say. I saw, speaking of someone's dad, I watched a celebrity family feud, a clip, and Jeff Dunham's daughter could get it. She's a puppet? Is Lena Dunham? She's got, yeah, it's Lena Dunham. She's got a fucked up jaw.

There's an imperfection there, which I think it's like when you get dented cans of soup or cheaper, I think I could get it. And then you know she's rich as hell, because Jeff Dunham is rich as fuck. So I think I'm going to try and marry Jeff Dunham's daughter. That other guy, Bill Ingval? How about Jeff Cummins? And the puppets are glued together.

He's like, hey, y'all, watch this. I don't even know what he's talking about. And he's just fucking it up. Over 80 million tickets sold this year to Jeff Cummins. The man who fucks puppets. Hey, it's me, Ahmed, the dead terrorist. Please don't fuck my ass. Bad news, Ahmed.

This is for 9-Eleven. Oh, shit, I just got really dizzy. Damn, maybe you should eat, dude. Yeah, I haven't eaten for two years. Yeah, not really. I miss when you used to do this and just get obsessed with kids getting fucked in the ass by old Jewish men. This isn't any of it, though.

I'm like, man, I'd fuck. This is like a slowdown. I'm so tired of not having a normal head. Dude, go to therapy, man. Just go to fucking therapy, yeah. How many fucking times are we going to have this conversation? Or we could do crime.

I should. I'm probably going to lose it soon if I don't. There we go. Yes, thank you. But your attitude is always like, well, I don't want to find out I've had a broken leg my whole life and then fix it. Because then what about those 30 years of me

having a broken leg? I kind of like that girl that was cheating on you. Sort of. Right, exactly like that. It's kind of the inverse, I get it. Yeah. Yeah, it would be like, did you cheat on me with John or whatever?

And she's like, no, not with John. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been cheating on you for my entire life. Yeah. Oh, no, basically everybody at the game stopped that. Everybody works there. Who would be the funniest person to ever cook you? Like, who could you never get over?

What do you mean? Like, what kind of guy would be hilarious if your girlfriend, like, game stop employee is pretty good? Like, if your manager or whatever that one guy who sheds paint. Yeah, but if you fucks like a loser. Roscoe? Yeah.

I don't know. I think it's pretty cool. Oh, no, I was cucked by like a loser. It was not like, yeah, it was one of those situations where it's like, I'm hanging out with this guy to make fun of him. Dude, I got cucked so hard. Just like the hardest cucking you could imagine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it fucked me up for like a long time, like years. But then, you know, you come out of it as like somebody that's just really solidified their defense mechanisms. And don't trust anyone anymore. Don't trust anyone. Never trust a bitch. Yeah, but I'm a pretty funny guy, I'd say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm pretty good at saying things. Dude, that's what happened to me in high school. I tell you, the girl that was my girlfriend, she called me one time. And I tried to do a bit about this, but it would never work. She called me and she was like, I accidentally

got fingered last night. And I was like, wow. Yeah, this girl goes, I blacked out and I woke up and there was condoms everywhere. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm not even saying. Don't tell me that. You don't even tell me there were condoms everywhere.

Yeah, don't make it graphic. Just say I fucked someone. Yeah, I had to ice my pussy out for days after that. There was all sorts of butt plugs. But I'm telling you, man, because I was doing stand-up at the time, and something like that happens, and you were just a beast for like six months. It just turns you into the best comic.

Dude, whenever I've had some. I remember when you went through the breakup in DC. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you got, your stand-up got like, I know. Yeah, me and you. We were going through the ringer at the same time. Yeah, we both got good at stand-up. I can't wait for this podcast to just be us talking

about how we used to be funny. Yeah, we're almost there. Are we old men? This is a first trick. I mean, look at my foot pops, because I grabbed a rebound in a podcaster's basketball game, dude. I'm going to die soon. We fucking suck, dude.

I got to exercise more, man. I'm going to kill myself. I need to settle down with a nice girl. We should get a canoe together and just go out to the middle of the lake. Just hell, yeah. Just have a couple of nice cliff bars out in the middle of the lake with three boys.

I love that idea. I can find you a catfish in the lake. I'm going to fry it up for you. Just feed my friend, Stavros, raw catfish. They're so gross-looking. Catfish? They taste good. Charlie Bronson of the Sea?

Yeah, they've got mustaches. Fuck, dude, I got a shower after this. It's going to be hard, dude. I got to fucking put a bag on my cast. Broke a mirror today, so I got seven years bad luck. Damn. It is just not my fucking week, dude. I woke up, I was like, I got to get something done.

I just wanted to hang that medicine cabinet, place it against the fucking wall while I go get my level, and somehow it just falls. No. It fall, leaning against the wall, and then I guess it was top heavy or something, but it came off leaning and just fucking smashed. Shattered.

Yeah. Fuck, dude. I know. Seven years. Start the clock. Seven years bad luck. When you turn 36, you'll have regular ass luck again. Yeah.

Damn, it's going to be fucking gay to be old, man. Yeah. Seven years from now. That's going to suck, dude. Yeah, for a while I was kind of looking forward to my 30s, but considering like my feelings don't abate, it's like, nah, it'll probably suck, too. Nah, 30s will probably be good.

After that, it'll be bad. Dude, we're going to be adults, too. We're going to wear suits every day. Your 30s have already started, Adam. I don't know. Yeah, Adam, you're 32 years old. Yeah, we're 30. They installed our 29-year-old young men.

The youth of the podcast. We still got some fire in our hearts. 31. We're talking about having kids and getting married and shit. I'm talking about Ferrari conventions, monster energy, booth girls. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Playing Xbox with my Latino friends, my geek squad Latino friends. Tie import models. Just girls sitting on top of Acura's. I love Ac, dude. Catch me in an RSV. I've been really into butterfly knives. I watched Face Off recently.

Such a good movie. Shit rocks. You know what, fucking, I watched Baywatch, too. The rock one. The new one, Zach Efron? Was it bad? I'm about Dick off, right? And he swaps dicks with it.

And he's just fucking his wife. That girl with the best hits ever, isn't that movie? Oh, yes, she is. They don't really check them off. Your sister's in the movie. Didario, shut up, dude. Shut up. I wasn't talking about my sister.

OK, well, I'm just saying. She has, I was complimenting her. My sister's got the second best hits ever, dude. Nice pair. Shut up. Nice pair on that gal. You shut the fuck up. You shut up.

He's not lying. No, no, yeah. Do you recognize that your sister has a nice pair? No, I don't. I mean, come on, objectively. If she had strong arms, you would recognize that. I recognize my little brother's jacked. Right.

He's got big arms and thick thighs. My sister, when I look at her, her tits are pixelated. She looks like she's on cops. That makes sense. She didn't sign the release. What about her pussy? Her face, all of her. Do you recognize that your sister's got

just the juiciest little pussy? Come on, guys. Just say it tastes good. That's all we're saying, dude. Come on, guys. Just saying it's got a sweet little strawberry aftertaste to it. I was going to go, Ellen.

You finish it up, you're like, what is that? Did someone just light a candle? Oh, no. Is that a glade plug-in? Oh, it's coming from my mouth. Little afterburn on that sweet cooch. Please leave. She's a much better person than me.

It's like fresh lavender in here. She doesn't just have any ire from our community that abuses men with small penises on Reddit. Yeah. Although, we totally started that, so I can't really. Those threads were so funny. I mean, that was such a good episode. Put your face near the mic, man.

Me? Yeah. Somebody had a pose that made me laugh, because there was someone on our Reddit that was like, anybody else got a pencil dick? Yeah. And they were like, well, it's real long, but thin. We're kind of in this in-between place.

Not quite gods, not quite men. Just like they're fallen angels doomed to walk the earth. They're day-walkers, little dicks, damn my fucking foot. I think that girls say that that's bad, I thought. A long, skinny cock? Yeah. That depends, I guess, if you have a skinny pussy. I've heard that short, thick is better than long, skinny.

Yeah. But that's what I just said. There's so many ways to be unattractive. Yeah, that's true. You know? Just see all your flaws as a whole, and don't worry about it. Transcend? That's if anything could be our message to the SDP subreddit.

That's right. It's not that you're bad. It's not just your little dick. Yeah, right. There's so much more work to it. You're such a bitter piece of shit. Yeah, yeah. You're a bad person.

You've got a bad personality. It's such an easy thing to overcome. Some people are in fucking wheelchairs, and the dicks don't work at all, you know? And they still fuck. They're like, oh, well, people still have respect for those people, and they were like, no, they don't.

We pretend to. Those guys are underbridges. We pretend, like, you don't laugh uncontrollably in your car when you see somebody going up a wheelchair ramp. You say, look at that stupid asshole. Look at that fucking retard. Look at that legs retard. Not able to help Steve.

He's physically retarded. Yeah, dude. I mean, as a new member of the disabled community, I don't know if you're disabled. Shit sucks, dude. I can't even imagine what it's like. You have a disability. I want to get a fucking, I want to get a robotic leg.

Bionics? Make it straight up, having a fucking, you're straight up about that. Yeah, I don't feel well. Oh, come on, brother. Dude, you know what? We're going to have a good hang after this. I just drank that baby food.

Some of one of your pedialytes. You need to have a good meal, Nick. I know, but every time I eat, I feel like I want to throw up. He came over last night at 10 or 11, and I made him dinner, because it was so sad. My boy wasn't eating. I really got a piss. Piss in my mouth.

I'll piss in your goddamn mouth. You can go piss, man. How many minutes we got? It's fine. We can do more time. Why are you leaving? He's got a piss. You can go piss, man.

Go ahead. Thanks, Tom. Well, it's time for our movie review corner. What have you seen recently? I recently watched the first 20 minutes of the classic What's Eating Gilbert Grape. Maybe I've seen numerous times. Leonardo DiCap?

Yeah. It turns out what's eating him is his mom. Because she's fat as well. She's fat. Yeah. That was a big joke when I was a little kid. I thought that was a mullin' original. Oh, really?

Yeah. And you thought you came up with his mom's video? Is it the mom? I mean, that's good when you're a little less kid. It's funny, because I'd mentioned this before, but I am Sam, Juliette Luitter. Hold on. Damn, my man's eyes just bulged out.

Sean Penn and I am Sam. You're about to die, bro. No, I'm good. What the fuck? Sean Penn and I am Sam is just doing Juliette Lewis in The Other Sister. He's doing her version of a retarded person. And that's why both of those movies suck.

What about Leo? Leo nailed it. He nailed retarded? He nailed retarded. That was a breakthrough role for him. And Juliette Lewis is in that movie, and it's like, just do the Leo. Yes.

Why are you trying to put your own spit on this? Juliette Lewis, was she ever a good actress? No, but she was hot. She was hot. Yeah. She was in the big face. There was something deaf about her face. Something deaf?

Yeah, she looked like a deaf woman. She looked the hottest deaf woman. Yeah, like a hot deaf chick. Oh, fuck a hot deaf lady. Yeah, I would totally. Yeah. Just can't hear you. Yeah, she can't hear you.

Can't hear you sobbing. You don't know how. Yeah. You turn around and just cry. Oh, yeah, yeah. That would be perfect. You don't have to fake being a tough man. That's always the gayest answer when you're like,

would you rather be deaf or blind? And people are like, I could never live without music. It's like, shut the fuck up. Wait, whose answer is that to that question? Whenever people say, oh, deaf is clearly better because you can still see shit, not bump into walls and shit. Yeah, I would definitely go deaf. I don't know what I would do without music.

Fuck music, dude. Music sucks. Did you see that movie, Mr. Holland's Oat Piss? No. Where he's a Mr. Holland Oat Piss? Oat Piss. Open up. Mr. Holland Oat Piss.

All right, students, pay attention. Welcome to Holland Oat's class. Now watch me drink this piss. He was the greatest professor at Harvard. I don't know what that movie's about. It's about Richard Dreyfus play as a music teacher, and then his son is born deaf. How about Richard Gifus, and he's just.

It's for guys, just guys over there. It's Jaws, but they're looking for a guy with a really big dick. Yeah, Richard Guy's dick. This storm's great. The storm is really cool. It is moody. I had a friend who I could tell was losing his mind because right after college, he got really into the weather.

And he saw I checked the temperature on my iPhone weather app. He's like, dude, you're using the iPhone weather app? And I was like, yeah, he's like, that's fucking pathetic. He's like, you need to get this app. I paid $11 for it. I get Doppler radar. Jesus, really?

I was like, that is so gay to get into the weather. Is it any more accurate? And then we were at a hurricane party. We had that hurricane in DC. Someone had a party at their house. We were all getting wasted, and he was sitting on the couch alone looking at his fucking stupid weather app and looking up and being

like, the storm's based, dude. That's what Nick was referencing earlier. Yes. The storm's based. This is kind of nice, dude. I was like, yeah. It is nice. I would love a storm.

It's a shame we're doing the podcast right now, so I can't just sit in silence and appreciate it. People don't like that. Nope. You've got to work two hours a week. Dude, this is getting kind of wild. The storm? Yeah.

I want to hold a lover. It really does suck. You only have to work two hours a week, and then like 30%, 40% of the time, you're just terrible at your job. I don't know. You just can't fucking do it. I think the episodes have been OK recently. Oh, they have, but I mean, there's still days like this.

Yeah, but sometimes, I don't know, maybe sometimes people appreciate us getting real. No, no, I don't think they do. Sort of. No, it's a podcast where we say things like, but it's guys only, and I do parody songs, and I almost say the n-word. You almost say the n-word.

Because my dick, my dick is in your mouth. What about another parody song? So what do you think, Saab, about Donald Trump meeting a Vladimir Trudin? Trader. You think he's a traitor? Treasonous. Trader.

My father called me and said it was the worst day since 9-11. What did he think Trump was going to do? How about Virginia 11? Yeah, has anyone said that? Yeah, but it's girls only. Do two big-ass pussies fall from the sky? Yeah. The terrorists are like, once we do 9-11, it will be vagina 11.

We'll go to heaven. We will get so many vaginas. With all the Indian terrorists. They all were from, they were all from Pakistan, India. No, they were like, what were they? They were all like, Saudi, yeah. Damn, dude, imagine having to fucking fly up into a fucking building.

That shit would be fucking stupid. Funnish it, dude. Why did those guys do 9-11? Muhammad Ata, because they got to go to strip clubs. You know, right before the plane hit the tower, fucking Muhammad Ata had to have been like, what am I doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like, what is this?

My job's so excited. How did I fucking get here? Imagine, it wouldn't be so funny if they just were like, nah, fuck this, and just like landed it safely somewhere. Yeah. It's like, I was raised in a desert. You know, so I learned how to shoot guns in a cave, and I just got to fucking like fly a fucking plane

into a building for some rich asshole that's just downloading porn in a mansion. Yeah, fail, son. Yeah. Damn, dude. He was good at hiding. Because I mean, if you think about it, he's like the mail room guy of Al Qaeda.

What's that? He's like the mail room guy of Al Qaeda, the guy that actually had to fly the plane into the fucking building. Yeah, the terrorist guy. Have you ever seen that movie, Paradise Now? No. About the two Palestinian suicide bombers?

No. It's fucked up. But yeah, it just follows these two guys on the way to going to kill themselves. Oh, damn. Yeah, it's fucked up. It's not a documentary. It's a, no, it's fictional.

Heavy wives. How about it's a cockumentary? And it's gays only. I like that. No, don't let them finish at him. No, that's it. That's it, basically. I should go to the zoo and yell at the animals.

You see some fucking Jaguar or some shit got loose in a zoo? Nice. And he ate like four e-moos and shit? Hell, yeah. I saw a peacock the other day. I don't like it. Where? Yeah, I don't like them either.

They're scary. They are. There's something that weirds me out about it. Have we talked about that before? No. They like give me shivers on my phone. There is, because I don't fuck with peacocks either. Yeah, yeah.

I've said that to people before, and they don't get it. No, people think they're beautiful. No, I'm 100% on. Yeah. I don't like it. They're fucking dinosaurs, bro. Fuck all birds. No, there's something eerie about their plume,

and there's like just. It's too big. It's too fucking big. Yeah, and that noise they make. I don't like it. Fuck that. I don't like bats either. So this episode, takeaways.

Peacocks bad. Jamie Kilcine, question mark. Yeah. TBD. 2B Dick Suckend. That's what TBD stands for. Well, OK, so we're going to. What?

We're going to do more episodes, guys. Yeah, the show will go on. The show will go on. I mean, it's at a low point right now. Both me and Nick. I'll eat a sandwich at some point. Yeah. I'm pretty hungry.

Stops, food will feel better. Hopefully in 10 days, I'll be walking. Hey, you know what? You want to hang with the clown? Sometimes you've got to drink the tears. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Damn, that's really good.

That's good. You know, put that on a fucking. Yeah. Put that. I want that on a quote. Go on my t-shirt. Go ahead, Lewis. Make that on merch pump.

Just Lewis solemnly looking out a window in black and white. But it like, juggle a little type font. I'm starting to feel like Galaxy Brain is being like, just flying off the handle at the slightest criticism and being extremely sincere and goth all the time. Because honestly, what's funnier than a fucking trainwreck? Louis got mad at, what's her name, that Amy? What were you going to say?

Louis. No, anyway. He got mad at who? Some comic was like, oh, some guy called me a dumb bitch outside Skagfest. He was like, how are you going to use our hashtag and say that? She's like, it was a fun festival.

I was just saying that someone called me at like a, he's like, don't use our fucking hashtag. I mean, did she get called a dumb bitch? LD. Oh, eldest. Oh, what a beautiful boy. The ceiling's leaking? Damn.

Oh, shit. My man's out here getting a bucket. I was going to borrow your car to go to Ikea, but I think I'm going to bail. Yeah, that makes sense. It's too rainy. Bail on that. Is it time to finally get eldest on the pod?

I just smelled my armpit and maybe want to throw up. Yeah, dude, I've been smelling right. I smell terrible right now. I'm about to go sit in the bathtub with the shower on and rub my fucking titties till they're clean. Yeah, you should just do a one foot out bath. I'm about to. That's going to be nice.

Ah, fuck. It's going to be such a chore. Draw yourself a bath. Put some oils in there. Some lavender. Ooh, boy. Some essential oils. I don't like bathing like in a bath, though.

It's gross. Yeah, but what are you going to do, man? The water gets nasty. Shower, sitting down, shower. That's what I'm going to do. Chair shower, like an old person. Oh, yeah. Damn.

Fuck, dude. I don't want to bathe. Sit on bathe. No, I have to. I'm done with bathing. I have company coming over. Oh, yeah? You're going to try and smash?

No, don't put it so crudely, Nicholas. I can't hear you anymore. I'm not going to try to have sex with a woman. I can't hear you anymore. The next hearing is gone now. That'd be so funny if you went deaf. Yeah. Yeah, it would be hilarious.

We have to sign the podcast. You just have to pretend like my impressions are good. I'm like, oh, everybody, who remembers Donald Trump? My name is Donald Trump. That's a good Trump, buddy. Good job, Nick. Nice. Do pushemi next.

Why are you a rariara? Not bad. Are you? Pretty good. Rariara. Pretty fucking good. Thanks. Well, you know, some of them are just going to be rough,

fellas. Yep. We're up against a lot right now, but we're going to come out of it with harder dicks than we started. The most important thing is that we're It's nice that all three of us are at a low point. Yeah, that is nice.

It's good when I sync up with my boys, because ultimately this podcast, it's about friendship. And what you're seeing right now is us at our low point. Nobody's bullying Adam. Who's probably the funniest one on this episode this time around? I don't know about that. Well, that being said, it was one of the worst episodes we've ever done.

That's true. But you were the funniest you've ever been. Yeah. All I'll say is that we're going to come out of this stronger together, like Hillary Clinton said. And I know we say that. I know that these moments are becoming more and more frequent, that every two weeks now we have an episode.

It used to be every three months, and now it's every two weeks. Every two weeks. But I truly, in my heart, don't believe that things have a shelf life. I think that things become good, and they stay that way forever. And the bottom can never fall out. Bro, this is the only actual bad one, though. The other one is just being in your head.

Well, if you think it's bad, that means it's fucking awful. Well, we're sad. Whatever. Subscribe to the fucking Patreon and listen to this weekends. That was a great episode. This weekend's episode was one of the best. And here's the thing, too, because you're not going to be able to get the premium stolen anymore,

because that fucking Reddit's going to get shut down, thanks to all those idiots brigading, and harassing those poor small dick men. No choice. Wait, they were harassing the small dick men. They were fucking harassing them, dude. They were going on there being like, you should fucking kill yourself.

That's so common, guys. And it's like, of course they should. Why are you saying it? Just tell me that. Don't tell the small dick guys. I deserve it at least. Adam can handle it. I can't really handle it.

Hurt me. Do me instead. I can barely handle it. I can't really handle it. I get really sad. It hurts my feelings. Oh, fuck. Well, guys, if you want to watch this live,

and you're in Baltimore, August 12th, Autobahn, if you've already sold, I think, like 50 tickets, so keep buying those. Funny Moms is Monday the 23rd. Caroline's 9, 10, 11. And I guarantee you, because I am a professional comedian, I should be taking comedy seriously, I will have new shit for that show.

Will it be good? Probably not. I barely remember how to be funny. Go see Nick. Please come. He'll probably do his 9, 10, 11. Please help me remember how to do comedy. His Winter Olympics figure skating Chinese Chunk.

Oh, god. I was happy with that. It's a good joke. I thought that was a fun joke. Yeah, no. It was just, yeah, it was topical. Damn, dude. Adam's speaking in shots now, when you're your lowest.

Yeah, I shouldn't have done it. Kick him in when he's down. I don't even care, dude. It is a good joke, very funny. I don't even care. So yes, that same weekend, I will be in Charlottesville at the Southern on the 17th. Ooh, stop.

I will be, yes. I'm there in town for some meetings, and I figured I'd do a show while I'm there. I'll be wearing an Under Armour polo shirt and some dockers. I will. And then on the 18th, I'm back in Baltimore. I suspended Brewery doing an hour myself. And then I will be at Philly Good Good Comedy Club,

Good Good Comedy Theater on the 19th. So it's a little run there. And then, yeah, I have a lot of shit coming up. But also, come see us in Cleveland and Boston, the Cleveland Boston Tour. Cleveland, the second, we are at Hilarities as part of the Accidental Comedy Festival. And in Boston, we are in the Boston Podcast Festival

at Laugh Boston on the 3rd. Is it the Podcast Festival or the Comedy Festival? I don't fucking know. Who cares? But just buy tickets. Those are both up. Please come see us, guys. And if you're in New York this Monday,

Funny Moms, as always, come on, everybody. All three boys will be there looking good. I'll be Tran from the beach of North Carolina. And then I've got more dates coming up that I'm working on, nothing to announce formally yet. But I think I'm going to be in New Orleans and Chicago and maybe LA in September. So come say what's up, everybody.

There you go, Stavey Worldwide. Oh, and Detroit in September. All right, guys. Well, thanks. Bye. We're going to try not to kill ourselves. Bye.