The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 113 – on this one

Episode Date: July 26, 2018

we call someone gay i think

Hello, and welcome to Come Town, Stav's apartment edition, where I lost one of the mics. This is so, yeah, thank you for taking... We are falling apart. For taking responsibility for that shit. Um, well, I'm com-replacing it. Eldis is on his way back right now with the mic, but until then, Adam's on my lap. Do we have an XLR cable? Why didn't you...

I have the XLR. Why didn't you tell me this? Because I could have taken one from my apartment. I didn't realize till you guys were... Like, I went to set it up, and I didn't realize till you guys were already on the way. This is a fucking goddamn travesty. Are you doing the levels at least? The levels are good, dude.

We're all fives. All fives? All fives, baby. You got no headphones in? You're not even gonna check? No. Not gonna make sure. You got headphones?

Yeah. Well, we're drinking from Stav's brand new Nescafe, which is... Nespresso. Nespresso Nescafe. Nescafe is a type of... I'm still waiting on my coffee and Vitamix to come back from the Vitamix Corporation. Oh, dude. Did you get it supercharged?

The fucking knob broke? No. Yeah, dude. I got a woo-woo on that thing. Did you get rims? I got spinners on you. I got spinners. Fucking woo-woo on there.

V-tech? Hell yeah. Yeah. I got a turbo on my Vitamix. Dude, it turns a fucking... Oh, hell yeah. Damn, we sound good. Yeah?

We sound like cute little bitches. Yeah, we got Nas, Adam. I actually like this, because me and Adam are basically kissing. Yeah. I was sharing a mic. It's all about doing gay shit with your boys, you know? That feels good. It's like Bruce Springsteen.

Yeah, you're the sexy black saxophone guy, dude. Oh, Clarence. I'm Bruce, though, for sure. Yeah, he's dead, Clarence. Yeah, I know. So yeah, we're just out here. I am now just... I'm in a bathing suit. I'm out of regular shorts.

I'm out of all my laundry. I'm just, like, rolling around in a damn suit. I can't wait to die. I have to get a fucking MRI, dude. This shit sucks. Yeah. It's gonna cost, like, what? $3,000?

No, I could probably get, like, $500, the doctor said. Oh, damn. Yeah. Yeah, when I looked at that heart thing and I was like, I'm gonna go to the doctor and get this shit checked out. $1,000, no answer. Turns out that cuff I got at home, it's like, they had to recall because my guns are too damn big.

Damn, dude. So you shredded it with your biceps. I got too strong for the fucking blood pressure monitor. Damn. So it's not accurate. Really? Yeah. It only works for people with up to 13 and a half inch biceps.

Damn, dude. Which is, like... That's no good for us. Anybody that's done a fucking pull-up is gonna have... I got 17 and a half. I mean, yeah, you're probably too fat for... No. Too strong.

Well... I don't like that. Too strong. Stay strong. I checked it like a pharmacy and my shit looked okay, but now my dick just doesn't... completely doesn't work anymore. And I'm like, I'm waking up seeing spots again, so...

Your dick's just done, blotto? It's just out. Damn, bro. Lights out, dude. What about when it's getting sucked? Barely. I mean, I gotta get it on the dick pill game. Oh, brother.

Like, Romans. Yeah. No, no, no. We didn't say it on the pod, but I was making fun of this guy who's in a subway ad for Romans, which is that, like, birch box for boner pills and hair... Hair plugs? Hair plugs?

No, no, like a fucking... I'm so glad I'm not going bald. I was so freaked out about that, and then it just all came back. I was making fun of that guy. I was like, oh, yeah, I saw a boner pill ad on the subway, and then they have this guy that's in the ads. Which he's, like, probably an actor and so stoked about getting a job, and then he found out that it's for a guy that can't get his dick up.

That was an episode of Friends. And the guy was at Funny Moms. He was there. Oh, really? He, like, raised his hand. Yeah, I brought him on stage. Yeah. He was like...

And then Adam sucked his limp dick. Then I sucked his soft dick. We had a couple of good riffs on this one. Yeah. We were talking about, like, I missed it. It's starting a charity for you. Oh, yeah? We had a couple of...

Hamnesty International. See, that was so funny is because that weird-faced guy who I told... I said I wouldn't call him that anymore. We're nice to him now. His name's David, right? Yeah, he's nice. Shout out to David. I already introduced him as the weird-faced guy.

Shout out to David. And he was upset about that. Yeah. About being weird-faced guy? Yeah, yeah. Uh-huh. But he... I think he said it.

That's pretty good. And then he said, You've already been doing puns that were terrible. He says, Hamnesty International. He said it differently. Adam tries to shit on him. Adam's like, you don't do the puns. Oh, shit.

People booed the guy. And I was like, don't boo that guy. No, no, that's not true. He did not say Hamnesty International. He said something else international. And then I said Hamnesty International. Damn. I improved on this amateur, David.

What did he say then? Some other shit. That didn't really make sense. Fat guy international. I don't know. Okay. I like Fat Guy International. I choose to believe you said Hamnesty International.

Yeah, yeah. That is good. Yeah. That is good to choose to believe that because then Adam just stole from him. Adam just stole it. David just respected that weird face. Fine. David, your face is fine.

Nick calling you the F bomb, though. Yeah. I'm going to stop saying, you know, the word. Fajie. Fajie. I don't do a shit. I'll say anything. Yeah.

Say, say a cunt. I can't do it. I respect women too much. Is it time for you to announce that you got a joke on the new Allegisha? The new Borat show? No. Okay, no more. Are you sure, dude?

I heard you wrote for that. No, I didn't. You wrote a very specific joke. I'm not going to say I got shit on on a show where I probably didn't get shit on. But you got one joke on it. I consulted on it for three days. Yeah, you consulted for a specific congressman, didn't you? Yeah, for a specific word that he used.

Yeah, I wrote the n-word. Yeah. No, I was joking around saying that, but I don't want to imply that I came up with that bit or told it. No, no, no. Just the part where he shouted the n-word four times in a row. Yeah. I mean, it honestly feels unprofessional to even say I was involved with the thing when

they had me barely contribute anything. Yeah, no. It's just a bit to say that you wrote the n-word, man. Yeah, yeah. You're overthinking it, dude. Anyways, we were doing charities for you. Yeah, give me some more charities. Well, Bread Cross, obviously.

Bread Cross? Yeah, that's good. The Make A Dish Foundation. I think Slob Nation Army or something, that didn't work. What was the other one that we did? Well, the best one. Seven Inches Army was good because I have a seven inch penis. That wouldn't have been true.

It says how big my dick is in seven inches. A seven inches army gonna fuck your ass. First of all, not a charity. It's a song. You've moved away from me. My dick's seven inches. I do not have a small dick. It's actually seven inches and I fucked you with it.

Anyways. Bum, bum, bum. I think my magnum opus on that motherfucker was instead of the white helmets, it's the white helmets. Is it Phymosis? Phymosis, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Cause your dickhead is.

My dickhead. That didn't really get a response, but... It's the best one. It's moments like that where it's like, okay, this is why I have the microphone. It's for you. It's not for them, you know? Yeah, but that's... First of all, I'm a very talented...

It should be for them. I'm a very talented... If they knew any better, of course. If you want... Tight helmet or whatever you said? Tight helmet. So the white helmets? Yeah.

Yeah, dude. This world can take everything away from my self-esteem, but not that. Not tight helmets. Not tight helmets. Damn, dude. Sometimes the boy can come through. You know? Oh, yeah.

Last minute. My dying breath. What do you want to... What are we talking about? Restaurants? Yes. But they're for... What about it?

For the Chinese. But they're for Chinese people. It's Blackdonalds. Yeah. They might just disappear like Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're fucking... And Adam's like, Ben! Yeah.

You're stained Adidas tank top. It's just on the floor. And underwear with cum all over them. Hell, yeah. Ah, you do look... You have a nice look going today, dude. I do. The narcotics anonymous look.

You got that light... Light wash jeans. They're trying to buy heroin off a teenager. Yeah, yeah. Light wash jeans that fucking gray pull over the Air Force ones. It sucks. It's like no one does heroin. Everyone just does cocaine.

Well, people... People do it. Heroin is back in a big way. Yeah, but I don't know my friends. Demi Lovato just almost died or whatever. I'm not friends with Demi Lovato. She doesn't even have that big of titties. Right.

She's fat. Damn, she almost died or titties aren't that bad. People are doing pills though, I feel like. People are doing like... Oxies. Isn't that basically heroin? It's similar. It's junior heroin.

Yeah, I mean, I love pills. Take like an 80 milligram oxy or if you like really want to just push it to the limit, take two of them and just fucking nod off. That sounds awesome. I've been taking two big ass fucking edibles every night and just sonking the fuck out and waking up fucking gnarly as fuck like just... I can't sleep on edibles. Oh, I sleep like a fucking baby with a hard ass dick.

I've taken enough oxy-cotton that it feels like heroin, but I've never shot heroin. I've only ever snorted it. So I don't know if... like the bitch from Pulp Fiction, Uma Thurman. Yeah. You got your Uma Thurman on? Well, it's weird because in that movie she does the line thinking it's coke and then her nose starts bleeding, which heroin's not like crystalline. I don't know why that would happen.

I don't know, maybe for cinematic effect. Yeah, but you really don't have to do a lot of that shit to get fucked up. Because this bitch took a fat rail. Yeah. Uma. You can't do that shit like you would do cocaine. Yeah. Like a pee bump.

Damn, dude. Now, should I do heroin? We should all do heroin. Dude, let's do it. Everyone that I know who did it misses it. Wow, heroin's like my dick. Exactly. Exactly.

It'd be nice to start with a girlfriend. You don't have to fuck them anymore, but you stay really strong. The relationship gets really strong. I knew these two junkies that would just shoot up and then scratch each other and they would just like itching each other. That sounds fucking awful. Well, the nice thing about all your relationship is that at a certain point you do stop fucking your girlfriends and other people start fucking you.

Yeah. That is true. That's something that happens. Swap out. You tag team. Adam's on the ropes. Adam's on the ropes. Please tag me in, please tag me in.

I'm like one of these make a bitch come like five times and then I'm done. I'm good. And then I ride my motorcycle out of town. Yeah. You know, I'm like the dad. And then my car stops working. Yeah. It stops working.

The only thing I can think about is drugs. Yeah. I just want to do drugs. Having a limp ass dick in a mouth. Dude, it used to be the magic solution to getting my dick hard again was getting it sucked. But now... The magic solution. Now it's gay pornography.

Now it's looking at fucking zip files that I get emailed of young boys wrestling. No, I mean, because like I've had that. I had the Apple. I've had the Apple watch for a while and like back in December, I guess was doing a decent amount of blow. Yeah. It never was it giving me that heart shit. And I did the blow last week, which has been fucking me up like a week.

Yeah. I mean, I think a lot of this... You got depressed after you saw Nanette and then did blow. Yeah. Yeah. That night, that thing was just going off. Oh, the night you were doing it? Every like five minutes, the Apple watch is like, you need to go to the hospital.

Holy shit, dude. Don't do any more coke. Nah, dude. I'm trying to die. This is a death call. We're all going to die together. Everyone will listen. Can we say that?

You know how like the agent of skanks does like the countdown for New Year's? He's like, yeah, dude, you can sync it up. Oh, yeah. We're all just going to fucking overdose at the same time. Yeah. It's going to be like Jonestown. Yeah. Sounds hot.

Yeah. A friend of mine apparently listens to the show and told his therapist about ComeTown and his therapist told him that other patients had told him about ComeTown. No. Yeah. We are literally running a death call. No. Stop.

Yeah, dude. It's real. They could have heard that. We were like, that is so fucked up. Yeah, that sucks. Welcome to the pit, you know? Hell yeah. You know what?

Fuck it. Let's do it. If we're here already, let's all be fucking bane, dude. Yeah. I hate this world. Yeah. I fucking hate this world and I want to watch it just fucking completely collapse in on itself.

Yes. We should all kill ourselves. Let's do a fight club. What did they do? They blew up that big ball. They blew up Delaware. They fucked up Wilmington, Delaware. No, I'm serious.

Because it's like credit cards and all the credit card companies. Let's do it. Hell yeah. Dude, let's go to fucking Delaware. Let's stay with Ian's mom. Let's fuck Ian's mom. Yeah, let's all fuck Ian's mom. Ian, we're your dad now.

He's like, dad? We all go, finally. Finally, day it's back. We all go wearing Oshkosh, like Seersucker overalls, like train conductors. We're your husband. We're your dad now. He's like three foot four and he's like, what's up? His name's Josh.

Josh Kosh. He just wears Oshkosh. That would rule. And all the girls are like, I don't know. There's just something about him. I really like that Josh guy. He's like, yeah, I'm pretty cool. I'm like, what do they see in that guy?

He's just, he's a talking baby with cool beach bum hair. I bet that guy could get pussy. It's just a three foot four Justin Guerini. All the women just love him. Yeah. I bet he could get pussy. Yeah. Anybody can get pussy, dude.

But a little guy? That's the thing. All it takes is a gun. I mean, that's true. That's the gun. A gun is secluded alleyway. Yeah. A man wearing flip flops.

That's right. That's right. A coward. A coward wearing flip flops. You know what? I want to be the only witness. I'm going to make this. This is going to be great.

I can't wait. It's a whistle, but it's called an I'm not being raped whistle. Because rape happens so much. Like we know this. It's a constant problem. So women should just... Eldis is here with the mic. Hold on.

Thank you, Eldis. Yeah, go ahead. Finish Eldis. Nick is in the middle of not getting raped whistle idea. Yeah. Because rape happens so often, right? That women need a whistle to signify that they're not being raped. But here's the trick.

We sell the whistle to rapists. That way you take your date out to an alley. Take her out for a nice evening behind the dumpster. Yes. And she's like, oh, I'm being raped. Time to get out my rape whistle. Boom. What happens?

An even bigger whistle. The rapist has the not getting raped whistle. Someone's like, is that a girl being raped? Oh, no. She's not being raped. It sounds a little like there's a rape whistle underneath. They're not being raped whistle. Okay.

Just to be safe, shouldn't it be like a not being raped air horn? To really make sure the whistle, you can hear the whistle. Jeep! Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Yeah. I can't hear it. Woofoo Zayla. Nice one, Eldus.

Yeah. Woofoo Zayla references, I'm all about them. Oh, yeah. 2018, 2019. I'll cruise to my sweet death. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we remembered Eldus.

You're off mic, though, so shut up, bitch. Yeah. Eldus is ruining the show. Amber style. This is a very amber throwback. Everybody wants amber to come back on. Let's get big titty amber back. Let's have let's have those sweet Let's go to her apartment so we can see Ernest old school. She wanted to come over this week Did you go to town? No, I gotta go see my Insane grandmother on the eastern shore damn at that. I guess big hunt on oh, yes. Hold on. Hold on. We're about to pause for

Getting Adam his own microphone everyone and wait. Hold on. This is almost perfect timing. Okay. No, it's not No, it's not you're gonna have to wait four minutes to get your don't do that Don't do it Adam. Do not do it. You'll fuck up the whole file, bitch We'll pause in a second. All right, so go get a sock to throw over at Adam while you wait Mm-hmm What's going on with your insane ass grandmother, bro? I don't know. She's got dementia real bad. So Can you still get crabs? My grandpa's sister is his girlfriend that she's like using him of cheating eating She's trying to run away. What was your grandpa fucking his sister? Well, yeah, yeah, that's his mood

Hell yeah Bump bump bump bump bump bump. I'll suck on my little penis. No, dude four minutes. You're giving me anxiety You're in the penalty box Adam You're in the penalty box for having a little ass dick. Mm-hmm, so you're going to the east shore Regist penalty, uh, is it is it too late to get crabs? No, it's the middle of the summer I forgot what time it is because I've been I've been in my fucking prison here in my home But yeah, you think I have time to sneak our crabs yesterday. Did you fuck with the Brooklyn crab was it? Are they good? They're okay. You need that be more shit, baby. That Eastern Shore

Okay, yeah, damn. I want crabs I had mad I had mad seafood in Cape Cod this weekend. You went to Cape Cod. I thought you were going to North Carolina Yeah, we called an audible like because we picked up the RV and we saw it was raining all weekend in North Carolina So we just drove up to the Cape Cod and said, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, nice After that, what are we going to do for our bachelor parties boys? Hmm, what do you mean? Oh when our joint wedding? Oh, we each marry a woman. We all marry the same woman Honestly, that might be the solution. What's that Korean church? The idea of marrying one person terrifies me, but if all three of us married the same we get a third of that

Pussy or just a big fat whore when I first started dating we all we come in like a queen when I first started dating Dasha, I said she is our girlfriend. Uh-huh. That's true You guys let me run with it as my own, but you know, it's the invitation so open so we should we get back? I'll just fuck Dasha. Yeah, that's true. You guys seem to have a nice relationship. Yeah, I should be able to ruin Yeah, exactly me and Nick haven't really ever felt love that way. Yeah, why don't we get a piece of that? Yeah, I think I am too unfortunately. I'm capable of some very fun times and I'm fun to be around but when it comes to real feeling Oh, no, I got nothing even come close. I have to shoot up a bank or something. Yeah. Oh, yeah Oh in terms of what I felt good doing. It's been drugs and eating like

You know me and eldest had a day where it was the only time I'm happy is when I completely destroy my life Absolutely when I throw everything away, and it's like yeah fuck when it's when it's happening I'm like this sucks, but the no beautiful after when it's happening once I've like securely fucked everything up in my life, and it's just everything's on fire. Yes It's like you're smiling. I'm like, yeah, hell yeah Fucking I love starting over it feels awesome. It's because there's no there's no fucking you don't know what expect shit from you It's fucking freedom. Yeah, dude That's all I want is freedom and the closer I get to it because like, you know the podcast makes money

Yep, I have all these things that I thought I wanted. I mean I feel like not creatively fulfilled But at least I have like some degree of success, and it's a prison and also We could become more creative and filled if we worked a little harder at it though to be yeah, I'm not doing that Well, I was until this fucking foot injury and now I just thought I'm gonna get fattest shit Eat cheesecake. I haven't had cheesecake in a while Maybe I'll get a whole cheesecake and eat it. How about cheese cake cheese? Do you want more cheese in the cake? Please do not touch the cheese. Oh man, I love cheese. How do you call cheese?

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I'm like, so they gave each other bet on it gay if you think that's a funny joke Put your fucking money where your mouth is and bet on it happening. That's right. You can do that on bet DSI dot com You guys got any pics? Yeah, let's see. I mean baseball sucks dick is the only thing that's happening But let's Google also. I think I said last time. Let's not make place bets for or make Predictions for things that have already happened and we did the all-star game and then it went up after the all All right, so let's see right now, all right At 10 o'clock today, so you got to get it up before then that nick the white socks are playing the angels and I haven't watched any baseball this year, but pick the angels man

Yeah, cuz I'm a man of God first of all most thousands of Angels versus the white socks of Chicago. Yeah And it's cargo shit cargo more like it. I'll be there next month in September. Please come see me. Oh, that'd be great Yeah, okay. Well, yeah, go to bed DSI calm bet on that shit use promo code capital C lowercase UM 25 come 25 to get a free twenty five dollar wager and a 200% bonus Couple people bitched at me for referring to that 200% is a match rather than a bonus a bonus It's a bonus. So that works is they you put in like I don't know a hundred bucks

They give you an additional $200, but it's only to be used for like Betting you can't just sign it out and expect and take it out So obviously that's not how it works, but you do get it's free $25. That's some big dick shit So fucking check it out. You know mm-hmm bet DSI calm capital C lowercase you em to five and we will be right back after we plug this fucking faggot into the We're back and we're back. We're back I have my own microphone Adams got his own mic It's covered in a sock because I didn't get a wing guard

Shots out to eldest making that fucking guitar center run. I haven't shit for days either really. Yeah What's your diet like right now, brother? I don't fucking know what I had yesterday with some Malaysian beef jerky Oh, I love Malaysian beef jerky, man. No, it's a it's a fuck deep Chinatown Me and Nick had a beautiful day. Yeah, we just went to the bicycle shopping and then we ate fucking beef jerky, dude Yeah, we got $40. We had a gay romance. That was awesome. Hey, I was there that day Yeah, no, this is like when you said you were at this I was there at the feminist books. No, you weren't bitch. It was my fault. We went there. I'm not wrong about that. I don't think you are, man. No, stop. You weren't you weren't sure I definitely was there. I don't know It feels pathetic to even get back into this. It feels really lame and pathetic to get back into this.

I did um, yeah, let's do this weekend. Hell. Yeah, we we took it and then We went to this place to pick up kayaks. We were gonna trip and and George are gonna do that in Seattle But I forgot that I might go to Yellowstone next week. What the fuck? Nick is depressed. He wants to do trip Come on, man. Well, I'm with my foot. Yeah, well wait till your shit gets better go to Yellowstone see some big horn I love this. We'll get you one of those bro. We should go on a tour slash fucking trip Just drop acid. I start killing the Crossbow just a hammer Beating up like what are you doing? I'm gonna use every part of it

Anyway, so we're like coming up on acid we get to the beach and then none of the kayaks are there Oh, no, we're like what the fuck so we call the lady and she's like this like like Five or like four foot eleven like lesbian Cape Cod. I love it rusty Cape Cod We love lawn mullet like comes on the beach. She's like, yeah, the people that like went out before you with the fucking kayaks They're like, they're lost at sea right now. What's coming up on drugs and we're like, oh shit It's just like their kids out there. They said they're hyperventilating. They're lost if they don't know where they are Holy fuck. We're like sitting on the beach watching this all unfold. Yeah laughing at the kids drowning No, then two of the kayaks come back and it's the dad with two kids and then like another woman with two other kids

And then he's like, yeah, my wife and the babysitter are out on the other kayak And you saw this guy like pacing around the book like the beach like thinking like his wife was dead and like He's potentially fucking was out. Yeah You can't leave your wife and your side. Yeah, the same kayak look at it. Julia Vins is Instagram She's posted a bit black in my picture herself. She says should they post more photos and stories about my life Not only about sport or not It's comment from Sue Hale's official, please post about your personal life love from India That's the best Indian Romeo move is saying where you're from

What does Sue Hale look like is he a model really anyway, so we fuck him so she like Yo, Indian guys really do believe in themselves too much way too much. Well, it's so funny because in India I mean they had a range marriages until like I don't know the election. Yeah So have the dating's like brand new. Yeah, all these guys that are like That yeah shooting their shot in the way that a 12 year old would in the DM fucking calling a girl up from like the school phone Yeah, I'm being like You know, I think that's what happens the more sexist the society is the more the men believe in themselves

Yeah, because it's like a zero-sum thing of like how much belief in yourself. You're allowed. Yeah, that's why like guys will like Dasha shows me like DMs of guys responding to her Instagram stories And it'll just be like sex sex sex, and then it's like please to come to Dubai Please did you guys see that one lady from Dubai or some shit or maybe Kuwait or something? Oh, yeah with the Filipino was talking about how how are we gonna give Filipino? And I can't give my Filipino servant her passport. Yeah. Yeah And then she complained they get a day off every week She's like, it's bad enough. We give him a day off every week about instead of Filipino. It's Philippine hole

Yeah, should I get in the sounding I mean your cock's not working anyway, man. Try it out. I should just shove Just open it up. Yeah Let's get some goddamn wires put a fucking rolling pin a new way to feel alive Nick to feel truly alive to get that electric Electricity go up your spine, you know, mm-hmm Maybe put it into ASMR car batteries and shit. Yeah, put a little electric dildo in your ass. That's why it was good You know a little jolt put an electric eels smooth up your ass You know anyway, so this lesbian woman. Yeah, rinsing the kayaks. She's like, I'm so fucking pissed right now These fucking idiots taking my kayaks out. She's like, I got to get my spider-man tattoo finished

She shows us her tattoos so in one arm. She has Harley Quinn joker Spider-man Mary Jane making out Oh, we're like he's she's like, yeah I wanted to get the DC on one side Marvel on the other side and we're like so like what other tattoos are you kidding? And she goes you got to get the penguin And at that point like we're all like fully tree. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and we just Bossed out laughing in her face. Oh my god. Thank you. Fuck you up. Yeah, it was so fucking funny What is she? How does she respond to your laughter your cruel Jewish mockery? She thought it was cool. She's like, yeah, that's cool, right?

Penguin I gotta get a penguin pat. That's pretty heteronormative of her though Yeah, that she was getting like a straight couple. You know, yeah She should have gotten Harley Quinn and poison ivy sucking each other's my other friend who is with us Who wasn't tripping is sober and he was telling me that he's like he's in the program and like he also runs a vape shop And stuff the witness protection program from raping Narcotics and on and he runs a vape shop and so he's around sober people a lot Like I guess sober people are really into the vaping and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and he was like you have no idea How important the Joker is to the sober

Hell yes I don't know why is it twisted. He's twisted just like that. I guess yeah, that's how narcotics anonymous is the saddest fucking place in the world Yeah, it's just I mean obviously like Mogadishu. Yeah, but like Yeah, yeah, maybe a lot of other maybe the narcotics anonymous in Sudan. Yeah But yeah, I would go to those and it's just like these broken middle-aged men that are like I've destroyed my entire life You know, but at least I have my friends who the only thing I have in common with is despair We used to do drugs is they used to do drugs and it's like It's somehow worse. I mean

It's like harder to deal with and people that are like struggling with cancer or some kind of general disease Because I feel like there's a process built into your head that like will allow you to accept the grief and the inevitability of death Like people find peace at the end. Yeah, but if you're and also think we're just waiting for it Yeah, yeah, you know where it's not like there's some immediate reason why you're going to die But there's like literally no reason for you to be alive anymore Sort of like Removes that feeling from you is been deemed a problem by society and also because it destroyed right which you probably would have destroyed on your own Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I it's like heartbreaking and I don't understand I don't understand how that's supposed to keep you sober is to go Be around these other people. I mean it works. It's so funny that it works in the way that what you want to die Those guys like have completely destroyed their lives from heroin. Maybe it's projection and they do not want to die They're like they're maybe it's just fucking project. Maybe you're jealous. Yeah, I am I'm jealous of a lot of people Anybody with like a consistent will to live when I don't see why you're making more money than you ever thought I'm also it's that also. I mean, you know, it's a cliche, but you know, obviously that doesn't it doesn't yeah It doesn't buy happiness, but I disagree. There was that Nick Krull joke when I've been doing drugs on live I'm pretty happy. He was like I look I look sometimes I look at like homeless freaks on the street

And I'm like, how have you not just fucking killed yourself? He's like, I'm on two television shows right now And I constantly want to kill myself because they have a fucking that's a sweet humble break joke I have such a big-ass dick and I Guys like you and Nick Krull. Yeah. Well, no, I mean people like that have this kind of depression Which is like we're probably not ever gonna kill ourselves. No, it's mostly self-indulgent and it'll get Narcissists, right exactly. I mean, it's all exactly it's all so self-centered that the destruction of yourself is like not really a Possibility right the closer to that you get you'll just become super fucking depressed I mean when you actually get to the point where you're like, okay, this is how I'm gonna do it

And like this is the doorknob I'm gonna use yeah the belt around your neck and you try it out and see how it feels You just sort of max out and then collapse inwardly and you come back out of it Still continuing to be a piece of shit. That's entirely self-centered. I haven't learned anything. You don't have like any of your Primary needs met in terms of shelter or food those like problems are just You don't have time to wallow and yeah, yeah, it's like I just need to say I need water I'm going I haven't had water in three days. Yeah, you're not thinking about like will I kill myself because it's like will the weather Yeah

It's like like Being depressed is sort of like a bourgeois like of course if you have to work three jobs to survive You don't have time right think about your place in the universe, right exactly. Yeah, yeah, that shit sucks I mean also, I just wouldn't kill myself because I'm too fucking lazy. I have shit I've been meaning to do for years dude. I got a fucking screenplay. I've been meaning to finish. Yeah Yeah, I'm not gonna kill myself I would love to get a look at that goddamn screen. Yeah, it's about it's about a It was so funny when we all tried to write together and I was like, hey, can you write this thing?

And it's just like everything's spelled wrong. No, that is not It's just calling someone a fagglet duchy. That's a good one. That's a good joke No, I stand by fagglet Letters you can't even like the screenwriting software will capitalize things for you and you were actively going back and decapitalized Yeah, not that it matters. Yeah, exactly putting things in lower case First of all, just the just the thing you were talking about week might is an Italian It's a sketch where we speak fake Italian. Mm-hmm. So fagglet duchy. Oh is NASA is is Uh-hmm incredibly necessary. There's other things like suck a dick Leone

So I gotta suck in a fucking a second digging the mother's pussy. That was the that was the that was the impetus for the entire sketch the remember second it Fucking a pussy And it doesn't mean impetus. It's like a demon that can't get its dick Yeah, it just flies into your room at night. It's like I'm fucking sorry. It's not you Just come on just work and then he's just sucked back to hell Where he's he's hard, but there's no pussy. Yeah, that's hell

Yeah, you send you to where all the good pussy is and your dick can't get Yeah, you get back to hell. It's just you and your boys playing Xbox and you're hard Damn we should redo fucking Dante's Inferno. Yeah. Yeah for what like what's well? That's we got one level of hell already not You're always hard, but then when there's pussy around you're never hard. Yeah, you're gay No, that's not back. I guess that could be a I guess I did describe a gay guy Just a guy hanging out with guys and he's always hard as soon as there's women around these soft. Yeah Hmm, I don't know what else

The second ring of hell the second ring of hell. Oh They forget your fucking man. He's on the side when you They pull yeah, I hate that when I get it when I get a salad delivered and sometimes I do motherfuckers On the side be sent to the first circle of hell or it's like you're not bad. You just kind of suck Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, yeah, who get who even gets in there? People that are like too annoying for heaven. Hmm. Yeah, you're harshing the vibe up here, dude I do have an afterlife terrifies me. Yeah, I would like to just be over. Yeah, it's not there's none That would be terrible. I mean, obviously, obviously, it's fake. Yeah, imagine living forever

I Feel the opposite way. It's a good idea someone came up with when you would only live to like 19 Yeah, you were the king, right, right, right, right, right, you know, dude I think about that you had 17 kids by the time you were 13. Yeah, like I wish I could watch one of them Turned to yeah Before I die of old age. Yeah, 11 and a half No one knew their grandfather concept of going to hell forever is so mean Like if that's like something God actually does God's a fucking bitch. That is so fucking mean suck my dick God

Like even, you know, whatever Even if you're Hitler like no, I don't know you should be able to like, you know Go into some sort of you get a thousand years of getting your ass fucked. Yeah, and then you know after a thousand years Yeah, after a thousand years you have to eternal damnation is an insane concept. Yeah Yeah, yeah, religion's fucking fucked up man internal slam nation Just being beaten to death by Julia Vins I would love that dude. I wanted to just fucking just fuck me up Just crush your head with a smile smash my fucking head and smash your little soft dick

Break my fucking skull There's an Asian bodybuilder girl who people are dubbing the real Chun Lee. Oh, I've seen her I've seen her her quads and her like ass. I'd love to smash the real Chun Lee 100% I mean, I think it would be so hard though. Like if you're having doggy soft sex with her Her butt would be like just like two stones. Yeah, that's fine as long as I can Finae go my cock between them into the pussy, which I think I would have no issue doing Yeah, they're muscular cheeks. That's a big thing because too fat an ass when your dick is little as hell And then you can't you can't be having that. That's fucking that's like bumpers. Oh, you know what I mean?

It's like a bowling. Yeah Slam some of the bowling. Yeah, some of the fucking pins around. Yeah I've always wanted to do that thing where you slide down the fucking actual bowling I've always wanted to take a shit in the ball return machine. You should see what happens. Let's do it Just flies back. Yeah, I think you would just get it on your I'll 19 stop putting a turds What would you have to wait, huh? The ball return machine. It's always spinning though So it would just like fly back at you wouldn't you have to shit down the gutter What if we made a bowl a ball of frozen shit, we all shit for months together

And we put it in a little actually that would be cool is like one of those like polyurethane transparent balls Like what the fuck is that it's like slash shit my dad ever took He's in this bowling alley He had to have the fucking giant pretzel dip the nacho cheese and he took a shit so difficult He died of a brain aneurysm And now I'm here remembering his legacy for his giant turd down the down the sweet lanes Mm-hmm

Trying to get pussy with it. Yeah Yeah, this is my dad's 14 oh Sorry bowling alley guys do those do those guys still exist Do people go but like wasn't that they do but you got to get special shoes You got to get the little bag you got to get the shirt It's the most importantly you got to get the right kind of underwear, of course, and that's why you want to go to Mack Weldon dot com For a smart design premium fabrics and simple shopping simple

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Don dude, damn what a world that was dude Don Draper could just get so much pussy gold cigarettes. Yeah, it's not just for you. It's for the child Inside of you, but it was molested Old gold cigarettes. They're molested And that's the campaign I don't you've done it again, but on your son of a bitch You fucking son of a bitch. You've done it again I feel like I can only do John Hamm if I got the headphones in

I'm gay. How was it? Is this him? No, it sounds good. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I know you're going to obami. Yeah, I'm Right shut I'm yeah, I'm Don Draper I'm Barack Obama, and I'm good Man I used to fucking love mad men, dude. Yeah, that was a good I'm trying to get into the terror. What is that AMC show about like some passage the Northwest Passage expedition Oh, it's the ensemble From Rome and I used to fuck with Rome heavy. Yeah, I love that show. That show was great. Yeah episode where Titus

Polo has to like fight those dudes and oh, yeah Yeah, what are the other guy he finally like jumps in and saves them for the 13th Legion? I started up cried Titus is like the really tall like good fighter guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've never seen room. Like I said, I've seen Spartacus Showtime We have big fake days They yeah in that show there's is speaking of big dicks. There's like an episode where one of the Like aristocrat ladies gives another aristocrat lady a big dick guy as a guess. Whoa, that's so nice of her. Yeah That's a cool type of slave to be man a big big slain was like traded amongst horny horse

Horny rich horse. It's not a bad not a bad. Does he have to do anything else? Um, yeah, I used to fuck these but does he have to do like fucking chores to do chores to that sucks. I guess that's true Yeah Damn, that's a good life. I cuz the thing is about chores man If you only have to do a couple of them makes you feel good That was the most expensive show ever before Game of Thrones Rome. I think so Hmm. I think it was like too expensive to keep making it. What was it on HBO? HBO and BBC. It was like a joint Oh, damn. Was it good?

It was pretty good. It wasn't as good as like Deadwood or soprano. Why does everybody speak British in the Roman Empire? Yeah, you do a period drama about fucking oh, yeah about Rome or whatever They all have to have British accents and they can't use contractions. Yeah Like let us have Yeah, but why the fuck like they could be speaking any yeah, hung because they should be let's do cholo Yeah, if anything, yeah, yes, you're right. Caesar. Why are you fucking my Where you coming?

There were some people in that show with Italian Because it's okay to fucking ask this what we all do It is why the Empire would be destroyed, but it's okay because that's fucking just a good Dear friends, so we all fuck each other's ass and try to get gold from the girls, but it becomes fucked up because we are too busy As fucking back in Rome and out in the colonies that do not understand how may we do so much ass fucking in the You know, so it creates a cultural dissonance and then the entire Empire collapses But that's okay because it feels so good The fuck my ass fuck my ass a brutal son. That's why Brutus killed it all just fucked season. They're all just dreaming cocks into his body

Brutus gets a little piece That sounds actually kind of hot yeah, the great jism Yeah, they killed him prison style the cocks of our phone check. Yeah. Yeah Oz is not a good show but when Beecher finally loses it and takes a shit on Oh, yeah on that guy's face. Is that the guy gets raped a bunch? Yeah, but then the Nazi that rapes him eventually like she just fucking ices him Just kills him up with weights in the gym and then shits on his face This weekend too with the

The cum jizz shit or the jizz shit piss Smoothie that the guy throws on the other guy in Oz. Oh, I don't know when was that? I don't know, but there's an episode of lock-up raw where this admitted prison rapist Says what he does he crushes up light bulbs and puts them in a little cup with piss and shit and then throws it at people Oh, so they'll cut them up. He's like, yeah, that way you get the shit and piss in the wounds Fuck tomorrow. He's like, I just love the booty. I'm crazy. Oh, is that the guy who makes people eat his ass? Yeah, I think so that guy rules Just about like they don't use condoms or something. Yeah. Yeah, that's very funny dude prison rape isn't funny Adam

It's a real thing that happens to people who deserve it Fuck dude, I love that take it's like how you gonna let somebody fuck your ass So true, you know, you're gonna have six in a bathroom. Yeah, you're rated them in a bad classic classic bit Old days from the DC day. Honestly shout out Rollo boy He did the show has to be one of the funniest live comedy things. I've ever seen which one He met Rollo. He said he said okay said I mean, we think he's hilarious Dickless hipster

Lawyer school with him People in the room people did I did Whatever okay, anyway grew up with them He's like shouting out girl like white women having pink areolas. I love that Yeah, he's you know, he's like you know, I got brownies He's saying the n-word and white people are laughing, you know nervously or they have to and like his as reparations Then midway through he just goes nah, but seriously gay sex is disgust Hey, just gonna be gay

Just getting raped to death in a bathroom Yeah, how you gonna have sex in a bathroom loot Rollo man. He's back in New York. We have a funny one. He did funny ones To support the him two shows ago. Rollo boykins Everyone that came out on Monday. We missed you stop. Sorry. I was a bit one time about like and again It was like all those like like dumb-ass hipster kids or whatever talking about like What fuck you guys just die for your joints man? Yeah, because it's all white people. It's like, yeah, of course you wouldn't do that Yeah, yeah, and he's like used to doing that joke or whatever like, you know, yeah, like those PG County like, you know

Like the nightclub ballroom Like nice, yeah, you know violent violence At the disco heaven in hell remember to back. Yeah. Yeah, it's a box Hey, thanks. Oh, it's a good to bar. I just call it too black. Yeah I love that room. I used to love to box the box. Yeah, Rollo would just do like an hour Well before the show started you just stay on the mic and mock people Yeah, just be and then it'd be like 90 minutes in and like He told that woman

She's uh, you know, it was it was a bit of his where he saw Someone's someone called him to like to black. Yeah. What is how to go? He's it's a make you know this bit the one where it's oh I don't want to do no check out check out I'll quote like crowd work that he did Do it again. We're a tobacco on time. There's this like old just like coolest shit black dude wearing like, you know Like a nice suit, you know, yeah, and he had this suit jacket just draped over his shoulders You know where you don't put your arms through the sleeves. Yeah, real godfather. Look, this is the coolest person in the world Yeah, you know the guy who's never been taken down enough, right, right, right?

He walked to the bathroom and he walks past Rollo on the stage and then he comes back from the bathroom and He's walking past Rollo with his fucking, you know, Jack draped over shoulders and Rollo looks at him. He's like, ooh, damn He said I got my jacket on and off And He was like, damn It's about the same place where that guy tried to fuck Jamel. Maybe yeah, that rules. Yeah, some guys had to fuck I mean I said he got his jacket on and off. Yeah, some guys some drunk guy goes up to Jamel He's like, yeah, like what I'm saying is like where to hose it. Yeah, and then he like comes up closer to me

He's like, yeah, he's like where the ends that too. Oh, you gotta say that dude. Sorry. Say you brought up You brought it up. You got to say it. But what I really mean is where the No, no, no, you got to say it. Sorry pal. He was supposed to be on the podcast last week He bailed on us. Yeah fucking bitch. Fuck L.A. shout out. It's like I'm trying to go L.A. Bro, we should honestly go on trip like do tours but go like Go on like a hike have like little adventures. I would love it, dude I went deep I went fishing tiny two adventures tiny two adventures. Yeah, tiny. We're toony. We're all better. We're all loony I went fishing on a boat for the first time and that shit fucking rules man

Yeah, catching a fish ending a life. Yeah, your first blood. Yeah, we grilled it. What kind of fishes? Uh, striped bass. Mmm. Delicious. Delicious. Yeah, dude. I got pounds of it. Really? Yeah, yeah, we brought it back. Dude, it's really nice. We should charter a boat. Seriously get a captain. I love it. Tell us his story. Can we go off? Let's go on a sailing lessons have become nautical. Dude, let's go on a boat tour. Let's do a coastal tour. We talked about buying a boat, didn't we? No, we talked about getting a van. Getting a van. Which we should do actually. Or a John Madden bus. We should buy just a shitty ass car. We should get a John Madden bus. I mean, yeah, of course we should. Outback Steakhouse. How much would that cost? Probably 2.8 million dollars. We rented an RV this weekend and it is so sick. How much is an RV? I think it was like 300 bucks a day.

It was sort of like an Airbnb for RVs. Yeah, like people could put up their RVs and you could rent it for a little while. Yeah, but it has a way of getting around. It's so tight. We need a little van, dude. Yeah, it would be awesome. Do you get a Sprinter or something? That would be sick. Where the fuck are we going in the south? A bunch of places. Is that confirmed? I think so. I don't think the Houston shit is going to happen. Nashville, though. Where else? We'll announce it when we know the dates. It's not till November, but yeah. It's confirmed for Atlanta, Charlotte, Nashville, and then one other place, and then maybe Houston. We've got to figure out travel, though, because it's like... Yeah, we end in Charlotte and then we have... Anyway, who cares? But we should do that tour. We should do little trips. How are we selling on the Autobahn? We should plug the Autobahn.

Come out to the Autobahn on the motherfucking 12. Please buy them fucking tickets. We're going to go to the Autobahn in Baltimore. Also, Carolines. Oh yeah, go see our boy, Nicholas. 9, 10, 11. I'll be at Carolines. If you're in DC this weekend, Nick and I will be a big hunt. No, I don't plug that. You don't get any fucking money off that shit. Yeah, don't plug that. They will not be... No one in this podcast is going to be in DC. Yeah, that's true. We're not going to... I canceled the trip just now. Actually, I should have... I found out right after we booked that I could have seen Gucci and Cam this weekend for free.

Wow. Well, I can't go for it. I was going to say... I know. I wish. I can give you those tickets, but... Anyway, but yeah, and then the first, we're going to be in Cleveland. On the second, we're going to be in Cleveland. We do a live show, 420. 420 on the second of September. And then flying right to fucking Boston. Cleveland, Boston tour. Laugh Boston. 8 o'clock. Cop them shits. And then I have a bunch of dates. For right now, I will be Charlottesville on the 17th. That's a Friday.

18th, I'm back in Baltimore a week after we just did the live show, but I'm doing stand-up. And it's a gallery opening with my little brother. So it's the Haukes Brothers Night of Art. So my little bro's going to be displaying his art. I'll be there. You know, I'll be signing pictures. And Nick will be signing pictures of my brother. He'll be signing. If you bring me it, I will only sign. You have to bring me a headshot of one of the American Gladiators. And I will sign it. The original American Gladiators. Original cast. No, thank you. Turbo, laser. Raper. Raper.

You was cool back then. You were the fucking 90s. And then I'm back. I make my triumph return to Philly. Hopefully I'm not fucked up. Then on the 19th, sorry for canceling. I will be there even if it's in a fucking walking boot. I will make it happen on the 19th. And I have a fucking website, baby. Stavi.biz. S-T-A-V-V-Y.biz for all ticket links. There's Chicago coming up. There's fucking Fairfield, Connecticut. There's fucking New Orleans and fucking Lafayette and some other shit we will be adding as it goes along.

You can also find links to the Come Town live shows, not just my shows on that website. So go there and come suck our little prickly tops. Yes, check that shit out. And if you're a muscular woman, please kill me. Please show up and cross my skull and kill me. Nick's head between your thighs. Crack it open like that. What's up with that abductor and the inductor, whatever the fuck it's called? Abductor and what the fuck? What do you mean what's up with it?

People are just closing their legs and shit? Oh, that like spring thing? Yeah, what's going on there? What do you mean? Why is that an exercise? What do you mean why is that an exercise? Is that good for you? It's sort of like what Nick does with the squeezy thing with his hands.

But with your thighs? My grip strength is getting out of fucking control lately. Like good or bad? No, I don't want it. It's gonna hurt. Well, because I'm stressed, but also... Come on, dude. Howie, howie, howie, howie, howie, howie. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Nick just turned red.

On Adam's bitch-ass little dainty-ass hands. I'm so embarrassed about my hands and wrists. Yeah, you do have bitch-ass wrists. I got ladies hands. Look how easy it is to put my thumb in my... We probably have the same thin wrists. Me and Adam have the same frame. I did something about it.

That's not true, dude. I've been working out. You look good. I'm proud of you. Damn, I tried to pull Adam's pants down so we could see his dick. People don't understand the ethos of shitting on your boys. It's about lifting people up. You don't let other men get away... Look, this is a Red Bull podcast. Yeah, that's right.

You wear down people's egos to the point that they can be honest with themselves. You break them. And then you lift each other up, you know? Yep. And that's how we establish a death cult. That's right. By creating an environment where no one feels safe, no one feels secure. No one can let their guard down for a second.

Without fear of being called gay. Yeah. Because being called gay, being gay is wrong. Yeah. And that's one of the fundamental ideals here. Because ultimately, it's about freedom. And the only free people are the ones that are willing to accept their homosexuality. For the rest of us, an eternal prison.

We only truly have free freedom. I cannot wait to set up our perfect white ethno-state boys. Although, like, we've each individually had our own moments of like, I guess I should just try starting with trans women. Yeah. Like moments. I'm on a show. You know?

Yeah. You take a look into the light and it's too bright and you have to fucking run away from it. Yeah. I will still give it a whirl, I think. Maybe. At some point in my life. Maybe that's how I have to spend my 30s. Big-ass titties.

I can't tell. I'll jerk off a little dick. A little hairless dick. They're like hard titties, though. Technology is unbelievable. Look, a lot of things in life are hard, Adam. That's right. You got to work through it.

You got to prove something to yourself. Nick's so correct about that. All right. Well, that's the show. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Have a great day.