The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 115 – dont remember

Episode Date: August 9, 2018

i dont remember this episode or what happened. im still brain gay. we did one with soder today tho for the premium feed that i had a lot of fun doing so just wait for that instead probably. also i now firmly believe the world is secretly controlled by ho

And, we're off. Hello and welcome to ComeTown. It is I, Stavros Haggis, along with Adam Graydor. Nicholas Mullen. Here I am. We're all having sex. We're sitting in my living room. I've just gotten back from the doctor.

We get a little sunlight. We're not in my bed. What episode do you think this is? 120? 120. It's fucking insane, dude. Fuck, Adam, you're coming home. It's so funny how... Yeah, no, this has gone on way too long.

Yeah, yeah. It should have been a month. It should have been a month, and then we gave up on it. Yeah, it really is like... Like every other idea we ever have. Right, exactly. When me and you had that night with Tommy, we were like, let's write a TV show.

Oh yeah, I still think that a couple of the things we came up with, we were on a lot of code also. And Tommy disappeared into the bathroom literally more than that, dude. It was like an hour or 45. We thought he went home and then he emerged from the bathroom. He came out of the bathroom and he was like, hey, what's up?

It's like, what do you mean, what's up? You've been gone for... For the length of... We saw you at 9 p.m. That was also the night where Nick said, do you have a blow guy? And Tommy said, no, but I fucked the tray in once. Respect.

We're all here reminiscing about times we did drugs. Yeah. I just got my diagnosis back finally. Oh yeah. My shit popped straight off. My tendon, my planter fascia, tore right off my heel bone.

So I'm supposed to be... Does that shit fix itself? I don't know, man. I'm supposed to go to physical therapy and shit. I got to stay off for another two weeks, but I feel like I can't stay in the house anymore. It really did, dude. We should sue Lewis. I also got food poisoning that night.

Nick's brain got poisoned. I feel like I got shot my foot off, dude. Yeah, just get rid of it. I'm tired of this shit. Odds are, I'm probably going to get diabetes. So I'm getting ahead of the amputation. I'm probably going to get diabetes. I don't know if my family has diabetes.

Really? So it's like a sweet tooth. It just doesn't really affect me. You saw, I came over the other night and ate all those Reese's Peas. You do eat literally anytime Adam has any sweet snack. I actually have eaten probably more of Adam's sweet snacks than I have,

which people wouldn't have thought. I love candy, and I'm not afraid to admit that. See, Nick is growing. Yeah, he's accepting parts. Don't worry guys, I'm not growing. Nothing is changing. Nothing's going to fucking happen. I'm still going to be upset, you know.

You'll find the shit in everything. Flying off the handle at my friends and lashing out at people and having weird obsessions every once in a while. Don't ever change, Papi. We also, Nick and I had a revelation on the way here.

What's that? We sort of need faith in our lives. Like religious faith? Yeah, like we should join sort of a community to protect us. We're going to join the Church of Scientology. He's ultimately, we're never going to be able to control this fandom. It's too late.

All the wheels have come off. They're going to kill us. But the Church of Scientology can kill them. Yeah, exactly for us. They're our fucking shield. We're going to just be in the seaword. We're going to get the costumes. They bring me into that room

where you have to tell them your deepest secrets or whatever. I tell people I'm 5'8", but I'm actually 5'7". And they're like, you're in. And then they just go murder people. Yeah, dude. They try the shield.

They protect their own. And then if we wanted to, we could be gay like Travolta. We can really flourish with that kind of, you know... My theory is they made Travolta be gay. We had too much power. Interesting. That makes sense. He was too beautiful. They made him bald and they made him gay.

I'm ahead of the curve. They made him jack off all those. Which by the way, I think I want plugs, dude. I've been researching on the last episode I mentioned Brian Erlacher's plugs. Someone DMed me. Thank you to the good Samaritan that DMed me.

It cost about 12 grand to get what Brian Erlacher had done. I'll squirrel that money away. And I'll take a trip to Chicago. I'll come back with a fucking... Let's go at the same time. I'll get that surgery where they shatter your legs. You can get pretty tall.

There's Chinese guys that write apps and then they do it. They're reading like there was a forum for people to do this surgery. It's so funny. There's a guy that's like... He's like, it's the most unbearable pain I've ever felt in my life.

He's just like in a hotel room just like crying out to the heavens. Because his bones have been shattered and fucking stretched. And then it's like, well my girlfriend broke up with me because she didn't understand it. Yeah, it's stupid.

It's stupid as shit. How much taller can you get? I'll do it. You can get like three inches. Yeah, three inches. Imagine how much people would respect me if I was just sort of weird and elongated. It's months. They shatter your legs and then slowly stretch them out as new bone fills in and it's just like

having braces. You just have to lie on the floor of a hotel room down OxyCotton and scream. Here's what I'm saying. We do it at the same time. We get a suite, a beautiful hotel suite. We go to China and we don't do OxyCotton. We take in the culture.

We do opium dens. We get those long little Chinese pony tails with a little ribbon at the bottom. We're getting fucked up Chinese ladies to suck us off. Adam will go out and get his dumplings. I like this idea, dude. We can keep podcasting through this.

Through this unbearable pain. Yeah. No, I mean, we'll keep podcasting through everything. The podcast will never end. But what I'm saying is we should hold up in the fucking... Where should we go? Shanghai? Beijing?

How about Bangai? Oh, yeah, there you go. You still got it. I was laughing earlier today about some sort of summit between Trump and Xi Jinping or whatever. Yeah.

Xi Jinping will be like and then the translator is like there will be many moons before we have peace between the Empire of China and the United States. And then Trump just goes, that's what she said. And then

slam dunk. No matter what he says, you just say that's what she said. It's the ultimate own. That is a good own. That would be fucking good, dude. He should do that. That's what she said, or he's like,

no, just no. I know you are, but what am I? Gay. Sounds gay. Yeah, that's good, dude. That's good diplomacy. Fuck, dude. Now I'm just thinking about myself 5'10

with a fucking full head of hair. How much fucking teeth? Bro, I need to disappear for a year and come back 5'10 hair, teeth, everything. You gotta go to one of these. Everything. Looking like a normal ass guy. Just tan. Just not somebody that's insanely fucked up.

Just a normal looking person. Just the glow up for me is just not a fucked up guy. Because I look like out of context. Walking boot, toothless fatty shit. I used to want to be able to just put my brain in like a robot. Now I know that won't work either.

Why? But I just want to be replaced with a robot that says the same things as me. Oh, so you will not be feeling anything? I'm dead. It's basically what I want in my final form. That's basically fucking a woman with a strap on. You wear the strap on.

That's true. The robot would be the strap on as your dick disintegrates and goes to Valhalla. Well, we're all going to have to wear strap on once this climate change thing happens. I thought I could calm Nick down from his own anxiety about his own life

and I was like, you should read that thing in the New York Times magazine. Of course you should not, but what happened? Oh, we're so fucked. It's a good article. It's great, but I mean, it's huge. That's what G said. Yeah.

It was my dick. So fucking... Yeah, I can't remember anything. I was trying to extract any detail that I could possibly remember from the article. And I didn't remember any of the facts. Not even one. None.

There was a guy with weird hair named Scarfarelli or something. Pomerance. Scarfarelli is a better name. There's a guy named Pomerance or something. Does he have a Pomeranian? No. Pomeran's the Pomeranian would be a cute dog.

He was 6'4". Anyways, we've known about climate change since 1896 or something. And we knew that fossil fuels were destroying them. In 1979, there was an opportunity to be like, okay, we can do something that no one did anything.

And now it's like the damage is irreparable. The temperature is going to rise by 1 or 2 degrees Celsius or something in the next 40 years, which means that there's like Europe's in permanent drought. That's fucked. Yeah, I mean the entire

Boston and Miami don't exist anymore. Where should we move? New York City, baby. West Virginia. Aren't we going to be underwater? Miami's going to be underwater then. Is Tallahassee going to be where all the Cuban bitches are? Yeah, dude, they're just going to go inland.

You know what I'm saying? We go. Dr. Tallahassee, he can go get a nice fat ass. Stop roaming the badlands for pussy. He's just got like pieces of a broken robot. He's trying to trade this. Mutant, a guy with two heads. We've got Cuban horse. Don't sell him the Cuban horse.

Shut up. Two-headed mutant. He's going through the desert. Here, I've got this bobbin. Can I get some Cuban pussy? You've got this like biomechanical arm but all the fingers are just kebab skewers. Goddamn.

That would rock. Yeah, dude, I got like a trans-am. Just driving through the desert. Mad Max style. Yeah, just going to the ends of the earth and it's like I'm trying to find the last of the posts about me.

I have to destroy all of them. It's my purpose in this life. Seek out and destroy all of the posts. Hell yeah, dude. That would be cool, dude. I can't wait for the dystopian future. Yeah, I've been playing a game

that's sort of a dystopian. Horizon Zero Dawn. It rules, dude. I bet it would look sick on my TV. I've been playing God of War. It's great. You know what's funny? I went to the gym today and it's like, in times of despair, I should look more

to the good King Felix for his... I mean, it really is like gym, gaming, autism. Don't fuck with it. Do not fuck with it. Do you need pussy? You wade out into the dangerous waters of emotional maturity. You're gonna drown, especially a guy like me.

Oh yes. You don't want... Gaming, chairs, you don't want to look at yourself emotionally or physically. Absolutely not. Not at all. Max, gaming, gym. He's got it down to a science at this point. Your body looking like absolute shit. No one can tell how much you can lift.

But you're strong. You're strong. And you're not gonna get any fights. Because you still are a bitch. Right. You're still a coward. You won't ever defend yourself. But take a look at my fucking KD ratio in Battlefield 1. Who's the pussy now? Why don't you spend 11 hours a day gaming?

Just gaming. Over and over and over again. So you really think you're in World War One. You're a Russian woman that's saving Russia from... Until you choke Armenian you think is from the fucking Ottoman Empire. You just have a flashback.

By the way, do you see that fucking the Sasha Berenko... I just watched the latest one, dude. The latest one wasn't as good. Was that the one where they put the guy in the turban to be Muslim? That shit was fucking unbelievable. He's playing a little flute

to get the snake out. He's like, what have you been eating? He's like, I just had hummus. I'm a Muslim, man. I was just here trying to summon this snake and eating hummus. Dude, the Sultan hat and the fucking the Sultan hat, little fat white guy is such a good fucking look, dude.

Yeah, man, I know you wrote that one. I'm just gonna start to... Anytime that show comes up Oh, thanks, man. My one consultant session. You know, it's like when people come up to you after the show and so many people are like, just, you know, all plaid, good, sad or whatever.

They don't mean it, they're just being nice to you. You know, oh, thanks, thanks. And then someone will come up to like just be like, where's the bathroom? You know, they'll like just comment and you'll be like, oh, now I really feel like an asshole. Oh, yeah, yeah, thank you, man.

What's even worse is when they quote the other comics joke to you. Which happens so much. To you? You would never consider it. It happens, yeah, good amount, but it's like you would think that would be impossible. But it's like, dude, that thing you said

about your wife is so good. Fuck, man. Somebody eating pussy for 15 minutes. That thing you said about everyone thinking you've been in jail because you're a black man. And yeah, you have been in jail. Nick was, when he was

in the DC, we like completely did not appreciate the fact that Dark Mark was featuring on two of the shows that we were on. Hell yeah. We completely missed out. Dark Mark, baby. He crushed. Yeah, he killed me. Fuck. You know, I think I realize

I'm more anti-Semitic than I thought because I was watching a religious chopped and I was vehemently rooting against the rabbi. You gotta just fuck some Jewish girls. You do. Honestly, I'll be honest with you. I've called it for me being anti-Semitic. Just smash some J-birds and it just

it'll go right away. Do you know any? Yeah, right. For Jewish men. I know. That's the opposite. You can't. They're awful. It's like having sex with your mother. It's just the ultimate act. It's sick.

It probably makes you feel like disgusted with yourself. But yeah, you fuck Jewish girls. They like to suck, dick. I think I've only fucked one or two Jewish girls. Sorry, the recorder fucked up. The recorder fucked up. We put it in Adam's ass. But I have never... I had a big crush on a Jewish girl.

My freshman year of college. And by the time... I actually finally hooked up with her and I was so shocked that she wanted to fuck me. She said she had a vagina. She had a pussy. Because they teach us Gentiles.

Dude, honestly... The boys and the girls get circumcised. I had never fucked. I was 19. I had not fucked yet. And I just did not think it was possible this girl would want to fuck me. So she got almost naked. I thought I was going to go home.

We went to the movies or some shit. We went to a shitty diner. I really blew it on this date. This really was me realizing I have to get my shit together. And I just got into the bed just fully clothed. Just in my khakis. In my fucking...

I had a Jupiter back then. I had a graphics tee. But on top of a long sleeve white tee. You remember that look? The one long sleeve white tee. And I just pawed at her pussy. And didn't really... She was like, you can do more.

And I was like, no problem. I was just so nervous. I was also fat as shit. I was like 325. It was at the top of my fatness. Horrible stringy hair right before. Alright, I'm bald. Who am I kidding? It was honestly the low point of my life.

She actually started dating a Jewish guy from Detroit. And I'll never forgive him. Some guy named Aaron. I lost my virginity to a Jewish girl obviously at camp. At summer camp. I sat next to her at a wedding like 2 years ago.

And on the other side of her was her husband. We were like put at the same table. I had never met him before. But he was like Middle Eastern, like Persian Jew. But he looked exactly like Tiger Woods. I couldn't go over it. There's Persian Jews who look like Tiger Woods. And then she's like, how's everything going?

I was like, oh, it's pretty good. Pretty good. Me and my friends just started a pot. Oh, fuck. I told some guy at the bank. What's it called? Fuck. And then her husband's like, I was like, oh, what do you do?

He's like, I'm at Ernst and Young. Just rich as fuck. And he came over to me. I was just like, do people tell you you look like Tiger Woods? Like almost exactly like Tiger Woods. And he's like, yeah, all the time. Of course they tell him, Adam. What the fuck?

Fuck you. Whatever, dude. She got a titty reduction and rhinoplasty. That's it, man. I'm sure I've said this before. I support a woman's right to choose. It should be against law. That you should be in jail for getting a breast reduction.

Every ounce of titty meat you chop off, that's a fucking year in jail. You should be thrown in fucking jail, dude. It's murder. Titty reductions are murders. It's murder. Look, abortion, go crazy. You're killing a very important part of my soul.

The part that gets horny when I look at titty. I'm telling you. You're robbing me of a part of titty meat I can't get horny to. I was hanging out with Jake the other day and like, I don't know, I just felt like shit or whatever. And then some woman walked by with this outrageous ass

that we saw at the same time and was like, nice. It's like a sunset or whatever. What you're doing when you get a breast reduction is you're destroying the sun. You know?

You're nuking the skies. Taking it away from all of this. The radiance of your painful problematic breasts that are probably ruining your life. But also, they got braces.

They got back braces. We're going to get you like come to us. Okay, here's what we're saying. Get one of those little bowling medicine cabinets. Rest them on. If you're thinking about getting a breast reduction, please come to us first.

We will cover the costs for you to maintain your teams. Forget them made bigger. We will do. We will get you in place. Just imagine that doctor that's like, old breast reduction. I'm sorry. I'm fucked up.

Well, we're out of anesthetic, so I guess maybe you should leave. Just let me get it. It just takes us a while now. It starts taking pictures. Before you make any decisions, why don't we see how you look with this fucking filter? Have you guys ever sexted with

an Instagram filter? No, a doctor? Have you? I always put my dick on toaster. Yeah. I meant the little Snapchat Stolman. Oh, like the cat. I found out recently why girls do the dog.

Because it makes your eyes bigger, right? It makes your face look less fat. Yeah. All those filters do that shit. They have big ass eyes. I don't use Snapchat at all. I don't send snaps to people. Instagram video does it.

But, goddamn, if I don't enjoy the shit out of putting myself in African and Indian men's faces with the face swapping. And it's just for me. I just sit there for hours. What do you bring me these coconuts? Because it's not...

This is my house. You cannot just talk to myself. Hours. How dare you do this to me? For no one. You're not recording it, you're just looking at it. Yeah. It's things like that.

I don't need fucking therapy most of the time. No. I have my own resources. That's right. I just need a bunch of bananas. To put an Indian guy's face on me. Where are the gels? Show me where the gels have gone to.

Are they in the bathroom? If there are gels in the bathroom, I want to go in there. Do not worry, I have been videotaping them. I have been cleaning my penis all day. In preparation to meet the gels. And I cannot wait. The one thing I cannot wait for

is to meet the gels in the bathroom with my very clean penis. It is so very clean for you. Hell yeah, dude. I just watched a little more Dragon Ball. The original Dragon Ball season. Getting into that shit.

And it's hilarious. I wish I could just regress in the childhood. Well dude, because I have been so depressed that I am just watching things that make me feel comfortable. I did that too. I was in a comedy condo. I thought I had syphilis or something. I had this horrific sore on my dick.

Just a monster. It was like a nickel or dime size. It was pretty fucking big. Open wounds, pus coming out of it. Half of my dick was purple. Hell yeah. And they were like, you got symptoms?

She yells that across the room. I think I told this story already. She was like, well you got to make an appointment. I had to go on the week and do a week in Appleton. And I just spent the whole week in that comedy condo. Also bombing the entire week. Just having horrible fucking sex.

With a stout. With a stout. Just doing terrible. And then nursing this dick wound with oil or oregano in the bathroom. Just a teacher of oil or oregano dropping on this. You're fucking purple,

swollen, fucked up. It's like a rotten Twinkie basically. Just all pussies. Hell yeah. And then I sat in bed and I watched Iron Giant, which I hadn't seen before.

What did I do this all the time? But I've tried and I can't. It doesn't work for me. I haven't seen it as big. What you're doing when you see the old shit is just making you... You're literally just going back when you were a little kid watching Saturday morning. I dated this girl

and she put on All Dogs Go to Heaven one time. First of all, you're 30 years old. Don't do that. It's weird. It weirds me out. That kind of shit weirds me out. I haven't thought about it in a long time. Whatever feelings it elicits

is uncomfortable. I don't feel good about watching shit like that. Remember when we go over to Romaine's house and watch The Simpsons? That would do that shit to me. Old Simpsons episode. Occasionally...

No, I'm with you because I think they have their fucking holding memory, specific ones hold specific things. Certain movies you just throw on, I feel great. I'll watch Hercules right now. Up I can get into. Up I saw as an adult.

Up is good as shit. Up I smoked a fucking fat doobster on the way to White Marsh Mall. Me and my cousin just went together. It was like one of the nice little cousin dates we had. I started crying. I was stoned as shit. We should take a bet on

whether you'll cry at the end of this episode. Best way to do that, betdsi.com. Thanks. We got to stop intro-ing it that way because everybody here are gambling me. It's like that was an organic thing like two or three times.

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Will someone have a horrific concussion? Blow out a knee. Tear their plantar fascia heroically and still continue the game on one foot. I think they do probably have injury bets. I don't think they do actually. You don't accept our explanation

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What do we got coming up? I guess some UFC shit. Didn't that shit just happen? We gave you losers. This is the worst time honestly for sports but I don't know, bet on the WNBA. Bet on the Las Vegas Aces because they're Adam's hometown team.

You know I go hard for the Las Vegas Aces. Vegas braces and it's 12 year old girls. No. Aces are helping. What's up sweetie, you working? You working sweetheart? Yeah, me and my brother Tony

we're here from Staten Island for the weekend looking to have a good time. We're here for a cup stacking convention sir. She's with her father. Excuse me. We came to see Tiny in New York. My daughter is not working. This is why we came to see Tiny in New York

to avoid you. To avoid having my daughter solicited for sex. Some of my Italian-American stereotype. So bet on that, bet on whether or not your daughter will be solicited for sex in Vegas on bettheaside.com.

And we're back. I told you, we went, my grandparents were visiting us when I was a kid. We went to the Caesars Palace like the Forum Shopping Center they had like Nike Town there so if you take your grandparents from here

this woman like taps my dad on the shoulder and whisper something in his ear and I'm like and then he like walks back to us and then my grandpa was like oh, what was that about? My dad just really loudly goes she's a prostitute, it was a prostitute.

Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. It was a prostitute. He was asking me to pay her for sex. What if your dad disappeared for ten minutes went to the bathroom and just smiled the whole way back. I would be fine with that. I'll go a little strange, Adam.

Sex work is labor or something. I don't know. I hate to go to DSA on you guys. Dick Suck, Adam. Would you consider yourself a checks worker? If you get the Muddy Buddies checks mix dude, I'll do whatever you want. We're making that Muddy Buddies checks mix.

Yeah. I should do that. The checks mix sex worker. The checks mix checks worker and it's like a little checks guy with eyes and a bunch of holes and they're just all being fucked. And he's like, I never get soggy. You can fill me with cumb.

It's just a bunch of like cows and butters, they're like nine dicks and they're fucking the checks mix checks worker. And he's like, look how I'm not sorry. Come on, you're shitting my ass. You piss all over me. These are all the last holes. Hey kids, check out

new checks. Just some cow with nine cots soaking that piece of cereal and cumb. Hell yes, Steve. I love that, dude. I like that he's a man, too.

Because everyone thinks sex workers are... I still got love for the riff game. It's still in my heart. You can't take it away from me. You got a riff heart, dude. I was telling them I'm going to be the Tonya Harding of riffing. People can't handle my etiquette.

You know? I may lash out at people and commit just be really horrific to them. Consider murder and then get talked down to just crippling and that. You're denying that. Your technical scores are high,

but your artistic scores are always very low. Very low. What's the triple axle of almost saying the n-word? I think it's a negro colored and what's one more? Come on, you can do better than that. You're right. I could.

You could have done better than that. I could have, man. Now my confidence is shot, dude. You are Tonya, dude. People don't want to fucking work with you. A lot of people don't know this because they're listening to the show, but I'm actually wearing a dress right now. I'm dressed exactly like Tonya Harding.

Sort of rhinestone number. Just a big blue dress. My hair and pig tails. Your hair is crimped. Harder than a queen makeup? You got a bad attitude. You're dancing to original motion picture soundtrack from

with the Suicide Squad. A lot of people also don't know that Nick's mom is at every recording of the podcast putting cigarettes out on you. Smoking. Telling him I'm not good enough. Cutting myself with the ice-skates. That would be awesome.

If your mom was to... She's in the room for every app. The thing about the juice? Come on. Say more juice. Come on, man. It's so funny. It's like... I get messages from people.

Especially over the last couple of years, it's been so easy for people to see things on a superficial level and be like, well, these people are Nazis so they're bad and these people are leftists so they're good. It's bullshit. I mean... Nazis are the good ones.

Politics. It's not that they're good. It's just that... Politics mostly online are superficial. I get messages from people like, hey man, hope you're all right. By the way, all of the Jews in your life are trying to communicate medicine. You can't help but...

It's sort of moved by the concern or whatever. It's very nice. But it's like... I'll try it. If exercise and eating right doesn't work, I'll try to eliminate all the Jews from my life. It might help.

Ah, fuck. But yeah, honestly, when I was watching that rabbi just fucking... On chop? Being too Jewish on chop. It made me annoyed. There was a... guy's grocery games junior I watched. Okay.

And one of the kids was wearing a yarmulke. And he's like, I want to be a chef today. I only cook kosher cuisine. Yeah, this guy only did kosher as well. And I was like, I was actively rooting against him myself. Yeah, I did. There was something about it that I didn't enjoy.

I was like, I'm a good guy. Yeah. I guess, you know what it is? It feels like they're all trying to be funny. Because there's been so many Jewish comedians. I feel like they're trying too hard to be funny. Like, I'm like, stop doing that Woody Allen impression. There used to be... You don't see it anymore.

I feel like it was a thing like 15 years ago. But there was these like theatrical Jewish guys that would get into comedy. Awful. There was a guy, I just told Adam about him the other day. I'm not gonna say his name or whatever. Because I'm done with that kind of thing. Let's Google it.

Honestly, you know, it's... It's behind you. Yeah. Anyways, it's not funny. Two-faced Nick would be great. I'll continue to do it. Like the one side that's done. I just have to accept the fact that I'm a bad person

and I harass people because it's funny to me. You are. Who cares? Right. I guess it's not gonna change at this point. We're bad people, man. It's fine. We're entertaining at least.

And we try and curb how bad we are. If we can be a little less bad than we were yesterday, man. That's all. Nope. I was having a crisis about it every couple of years. Alright, that's fine. Anyways. So this guy Lee...

No. I mean, that is his name. Liam? No, this guy Leo. But he would do comedy. And he fucking, you know, he would go on stage and he's like, And here we are on this earth and people are doing things. You know, and it's like, shut up.

What is this fucking stupid... Oh my God. Yeah, it was like so embarrassing. Boom! Yeah, just some like new paltz or white planes, like, you know, Jewish kid. What's a theater school? Right, exactly. And he's like, and now I do comedy.

You know, and it's like, it just, I fucking hated that guy. And me and my friend Brandon, I used to bring my friend Brandon to open mics and we were leaving one time. My friend Brandon was like, yeah, that fucking guy Leo is a fucking loser. That guy sucks dick, dude. He should fucking kill himself. And he's like, he was right behind us. There was a walking down the street and this man with this like, you know, stupid fucking

like, burying the pain smile on his face. Like, you know, having to listen to a 17 year old boy. Yeah. You know, just shit all over. He's a loser. Yeah, yeah. Fuck, man. But yeah, there was a, I remember, there used to be more guys like that.

The theatrical Jewish guy. Uh-huh. It feels like they're overdoing the force too. For sure. I like to date women. Yes. You know, but I'll take what I can get. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know. You suck. Oh, no, that's just all they are. That's so good. That's exactly what they're like. They do be like that. They'd be like that, dog. Fuck dude.

Yeah, that's awful. Yeah. Yeah. That's, that tick is kind of gone from stand up now. The LA thing is they're still doing that, right? What? The da-da-da. Oh.

Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I haven't been to Los Angeles in forever. So I don't know. And like the overgeneralization about like what LA comics versus New York comics are. I mean, there's like, there's a lot of overlap. Yeah. No, I think it's, I do think there's something to it.

There is. There's less punch lines and there's more like just stories about seeing a minor celebrity. This, yeah, something happened to stand up where you could get it. I mean, this is like, we've already discussed all this bullshit, but you could just get away with just mannerisms and stuff. And like, so that's a thing, you know. Yeah. So that's a thing.

Yeah. That's a thing. And the big thing like seven years ago or whatever, a lot of people, you know, it would be like, I'm not very good at dating because I have social anxiety. Yeah, of course. Like robot arm, like singing punch lines. Oh. I don't know how emotions work.

They would do this like weird robot arm thing that I don't know what. It was definitely out there. Yeah. Yeah. The only good comedy is about it. It's funny because it's like live at the purple longing is probably currently the most influential standup characters. Yeah.

This is a character. I'm working on everything about it. I mean, you still see the damage that special did to stand up and like, I mean, Well, he just did one liners, right? He did one liners, but so much. And it was so funny. It was great. Yeah.

It was a great special. And he's a great artist because he just moved on. Yeah. Yeah. Now he's an actor. Yeah. Yeah. But just after him.

Zacky. Zacky G has just like actually has fucking didn't sell out like wouldn't do shit for Nike because there's wet shop guys. Oh yeah. Yeah. He's a good dude. He's like one of those rich guys that drives a shitty car. Yeah.

I fuck with him. He also told a story about Greek discrimination in the south where his uncle. They're from Crete. He will not be a shitty car rich guy. No. You're going to be Jay Leno. Oh yeah. I would love that dude.

We were laughing about Jay Leno killing himself. All those cars on 2000 cars on. Well, goodbye everybody. Yeah. I'll see you all later. Goodbye. Cool world. He doesn't eat.

Life really, life really fucked. You know, I'll talk about not going to win. Jay Leno's model always killing himself. Geez, the gas really smells bad. You know what it smells like? Because Connelly's rice is poofy. You know that? Bad that probably.

Didn't we also have a different Jay Leno? Oh yes. Rapist Jay Leno. What about this guy? What about Dave Reynolds? Yeah. Yeah. Dave Reynolds.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Dave Reynolds. Yeah. Yeah. Dave Reynolds. Yeah.

Dave Reynolds. Yeah. Wow. Who? Who? Yeah. Who? Yeah.

What? What? Why was it? Why was it? I can't believe it. With a Monaco Ruinscape? Jay Leno, baby. Rapist Jay Leno.

Suicidal Jay Leno. And Chinese Jay Leno. Yeah. Yeah. Deb. Yeah. That's good. Jay Leno was basically just killing himself.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jay Leno was basically just stole, stole Seinfeld's already kind of whatever idea for a show. He just drives people around in his car. There's no coffee. He just eliminated the coffee. I think that there was probably a time where Jay Leno felt like Seinfeld was copying him

by being a car guy. Oh. So I think he's copying back. Interesting. Cause he's like, cause it's my thing. Yeah. How is that true? Gonna take all my cars.

Were you saying that joke Jerry Seinfeld is doing now? Oh yeah. His new opener is like. This is the worst joke. I'm probably butchering it. I saw like some video of him like the last like two years and his opener is like, so what are you saying when you get a cab? You say you catch.

You catch a cab. Oh, I saw that. You catch. Yeah. Yeah. Take a lift. You catch. You catch.

Yeah. And then what about Nuber? What do you say? And then people are like, you know, you call Nuber. You. Yeah. You know, he's like, you know, you don't say call Nuber. What did you say?

He's like going to another room. Does he say take? And he's like, you take, you take the Uber. Yeah. And I was like, people say take a cab. Like it's not. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I know. It doesn't make any sense. That's not. And I, my favorite thing about Seinfeld now is that he's like him and like, I guess he's been influenced by like Chris Rock and like a lot of other comics. Like he's like really upset about PC culture and he's like, I won't even do colleges anymore because of the PC culture, but it's like, what about your act?

Yeah. Politically correct. I know. I don't think I'm gonna have any way to shape or form a victim of like a, of the fucking thought. Also it is weird that he just dated a 17 year old with big-ass titties. Yeah. Yeah.

And everyone's just like cool with that. She had big ass titties. But she was a child. He was like 40, right? No, no, no. It was at the height of Seinfeld. I mean, like, it was like season eight. That's the thing where it's like, you don't know that you're not going to be doing that.

That's true. It'll be weird if I do it too though. Yeah. Cause like, it's like a lot of guys, you know, you're like, when you're like 23, 24, you're Like how are you gonna be 40 in data 22 year old bro 17 though? Yeah, I know I know I wouldn't do that I mean like I 20s yeah, I usually did when I'm either my age or older. Yeah But yeah, it's like I I can understand why somebody would yeah, okay

I can understand especially especially for like, you know, just some fucking like weird Celebrity that's like full of himself and wants to like hang on to his youth. Yeah, but it's still 17 She was literally in high school, and he completely got the pass completely. No one is like it's the 90s It's not enough of a rape thing. Did he get a pass though? I mean like everybody I don't think it was that big a deal. We're talking about it right now still Yeah, but it's like we're talking about it as like a thing that no one really talks about I remember people I feel like I remember people maybe yeah, it was like I think he was like it was like season seven Yeah, it was like nice. It wasn't like he was really comic. Yeah. Yeah

Yeah, goddamn bro. So shawna and he's straight-up dated like would bring her to like yeah, he fly her out She was like I think from a very wealthy family like Jew Jewish She's married to a I believe the husband or she's a philanthropist nice, which just means that she has a rich husband Shawna. Yeah, what about it? What about a throat lanthropist? What about shawna? No, remember that that do a job. Yeah, do a revival. Yeah. Hell. Yeah. When they try to make that happen the Like working on your fucking hot rod in your garage be like this is like 1994 Yeah

Star Trek Voyager Which I have watched a lot of The character like Tom Paris is he's like just obsessed with the 50s Right, you just wrote this for the fucking boomer retards. Oh, yeah, yeah for sure Which obviously yeah, but like it doesn't make any sense Yeah, why this guy from 300 years in the future would be obsessed with a particular deck, right in the 20th century Yes, 1740 and explaining the difference between this type of covered way fuck and like a push cart damn You're so right there. Yeah, I love I love 80s the 1740s. Oh, you're really into like, you know, yeah the Peshmo

No, no, no, I'm into 17 Well, he dates the Klingon bitch and there's an episode where he's on the holodeck working on his Camaro He has a fake camera. Oh, yeah, and then she like comes in. She's like Camaro and he's like It's Camaro like we wouldn't know what that is your fucking nerd. Yeah. Yeah It's from 300 years ago and he's like this thing zero to 60, you know 13.4 seconds or whatever you're on a spaceship. Yeah, right Yeah, you're literally traveling at life speed of life. Yeah In fact in one episode you traveled so fast that you turned into a lizard. Whoa, it's another thing. I know about

That's pretty cool. They got my man peace do coming back for another Star Trek. Yeah, is he yeah He's the best. You turn it wolf. Suck my dick. Come on you fucking how about my ass. Come on and fuck me I'm smoking weed. He smokes weed, too. Yeah, my man I'm mad at him because he's like dating like a 40 year old and he's like 280 years old. Yeah Yeah, you're straight nice straight, but it was like I mean him and Ian What's his name? Ian's the gay one, right? Yeah, but they probably their best friend probably bumped in some pool. Yeah, yeah You're both actors. It's theater. It's the theater. Yeah, if you're doing it in character as Macbeth. Yeah Oh my god, that is just a fantastic show business. We're all gay. Yeah. Yeah, we have to be all secretly gay

We're all getting sexed in has to be that's what do you think? What do you think getting into the fucking Academy? Yeah? Yeah, I mean fuck your ass. You know, not any guys as fucked You won't have that guy. You got it. You got to put in the work, dude. I'm in for Scientology. Yeah, I agree Well, I'm telling you it's the best possible like infrastructure for all of our needs kind of honestly I do believe they help you address past trauma. I love they help you, but don't they not believe in psychology at all Like well, they do it for you. They do they do it for you. They got their own house They'll suck all the feet and also operate as part of a system. Mm-hmm So the emphasis on yourself kind of diminishes granted. They are taking some people in torturing

And it's like you kind of hope that that doesn't happen to you but you can deal with Torture, you know being complicit and yeah, yeah, some some guy. You don't know getting is not shocked Who cares who cares? You're an adult. Yeah, it's our child. It's an adult. Yeah, you're right You get a cool C C captain costume Shots out to Elrond, dude. Yeah, it's just two years later. Me was walking on stage holding hands with David This yeah, yeah, and we we've stopped. We're all dressed like captain cross We've stopped possessing the ability to blink. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we did it. We saved ourselves I feel great they give us that Chinese fucking leg therapy and we get my hair back

I don't do David miscavige, dude. We'll ride motorcycles with him. Who's he? I'm sorry. He's like the head He's like he's took over for Elrond Hubbard and he's a psycho nice. He's out of his mind crazy Oh, he ruins people's lives, but ours. I think he you know Make ours better. Yeah shuts out Tom Cruise. We'll we'll um damn and he's he's 5-1 a man after Yeah, he's not 5-1. He's fine. I mean that makes so much sense No leader of a cult being 5-1. Of course. He is. Yeah, he's not 5-1. Yes, motherfucker. Of course. He is look You'd have David miscavige height 5-1. Oh my god Who else is 5-1?

Literally no one children. Yeah Damn my man is shorter than my dick. Yeah, and he has so much power He's kind of jacked here. Damn, dude. This is it. This is the nail in the coffin for us joining Scientology a powerful short man Wait, hold on it says he's 5-3 on celebheights.com. No, that's that's celebheights.com is one of my favorite websites This is all these people being like no fucking way. Yeah, see 5-7. Yeah 5-6 and 3-quarters I met him and I made a point of following him around until he took his shoes off And I ran up and did a back-to-back selfie before you see a nick that Osama bin Laden's son got married to Muhammad Ata's daughter respect. Yeah, no, yeah

And he's bound to avenge his father. Yeah, damn. He's gonna get you know, what about Saudi Arabia being like Yo, Canada, don't fuck around because we'll 9-11 you to what they say. No, you see that you know, you really didn't see that I hope so dude, dude, maybe I should move to Canada and bring it into my heart And then just await the next 9-11 that'll fix everything for me. Mm-hmm. That's what I'm a firefighter new global tragedy Yeah, and then you save some I can grow the mustache now I couldn't when I was 13 mm-hmm the planes one of those towers mm-hmm I tried as hard as I could to grow that till I could be a firefighter I tried to but not during the 9-11 when

United 93 with Nicholas Cage came out. Everyone had a mustache in that movie every single guy. Yeah, well, no wait I'm thinking of WTC. WTC That one had that one had every everyone had a must-have. I wanted to like edit it and put mustaches on the women I thought that would be fun Shots out in the cage speaking of putting shit on women. Why don't you put some underwear on your bitch? It's a Mack Weldon under wish You know, that's right out Mack Weldon calm some of the most comfortable fucking underwear you'll ever wear in your life Absolutely, you know hey look you get found in a closet somewhere belt around your neck

Mostly nude humiliating. That's right. What a just end to A sort of a mean spirited life. No, I don't have any printed out reddit comments Just etched into your flesh the names of posters. Yeah, you're yourself sticking pokes. Uh-huh just Drafted letters trying to appeal to them in every which way threaten It's sympathy. Listen. I'm just like you Yeah, anything you can do to reach these people and explain that you don't deserve this death. You're nothing upon yourself Pretty fucking embarrassing to imagine but they find your body with a pair of Mack Weldon underwear Wow, you look great. Yeah, and you know what they're naturally antimicrobial

So they'll suck the smell of death and sin. Yeah, you're right. You're in shame. Yeah. Yeah, you're limp But rig a mortise cock right exactly hard, but soft hard but soft Mm-hmm, which is you know, that's kind of what this shows poetic. Yeah. Yeah, it's got being hard, but soft in death Yeah, a perfect metaphor for us is limp ass dead guy's dicks Perfect metaphor for us is the pooping your pants, you know, I mean like now that my dick doesn't work anymore I've it kind of feels like I've been sort of imagining it like like a like a baseball manager, you know Yeah, like back in the day. Maybe it's a decent utility player and like he's not particularly good at his job But he still has a little bit of a love for the game. Yeah, so you still dress the same. Yeah, you still put a condom on your soft

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Yeah, I didn't mean to but he had to take it cuz I have to get it. He's like, okay. Let me smell your balls Yep, that's torn fascia. Yep. You're exactly what that is. You're a fritz broken. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it smells like Smells like teen spirit Yeah, I got I just figured I'd go in he'd tell me the MRI, but he wanted to do like a mr. Guy Mr. Guy He wanted to do I have to get special insoles for my feet because they're so fucked up. You have to wear lifts I do. Yeah, give me a little extra fucking Not a bad idea totally worth it, dude

And so he like kneel down by my nuts and I just he caught a whiff of my just hospital balls I felt bad for the guy, dude Wow, yeah, cuz you haven't been showering on the shower usually but this time I was running late I woke up early thing. I was like, I'll just shower afterwards also showering one foot. It's pretty treacherous It's treacherous actually. Yeah, I shower with one foot and I lean up against the wall Yeah, you should get a railing like a hand railing really I want a little I want a little I want a little fucking stool I can sit on like an old guy. No, you know, you should get is like I wouldn't know those commercials for old people that can't use stairs

So they have that chair that goes like long time already talked two episodes ago We said we should get it for his apartment that just goes along every wall Yeah Have you guys ever had like a fucking real debilitating ass injury no never break anything It's like only flues. I've never broken really never. Yeah, I got shingles I think I cracked a rib one time. I like fell over drunk. There's nothing you can do for that Yeah, I didn't go to the hospital. Yeah, like anytime I breathed in yeah sharp pain It was like that for like a couple of miles bruise the rib. Yeah, maybe that was what it was

But yeah, I've never I don't think I've ever broken anything. No, I don't think I've tried to lay out on a fuck I was playing a squash with my boy George squash and I laid out like a champion dude I get injured playing sports. I got too much. I got too much. Squash is so fun. It is actually really fun Yeah, damn fuck, but it fucks my shoulder about squasha and it's your girlfriend But she's one foot four and the aspect ratio is thrown off She's like Adam here like you just do like a pitch shift on her voice and then echo it Yeah, and then it's squash. Okay. She's all the way in the back of the squash. No, no, no She's the same person squash. She's down. Yeah. Yeah, okay. I was okay. I'm still thinking literally. Yeah

I'm just I'm reaching for anything here. Maybe Squash, I don't know. She says that the guy that owns that like that come-town collection Yeah, which you know like I've said it before You know if you want to use the show in any way the branding try make money for yourself like please do it and like You know that guy has plenty of products, you know, like he's gonna do the fucking work He's selling the merch. So bye for me. You know Great, you know. Yeah. Yeah, he had a sweatshirt. That's uh It just says Dasha. That's it. Yeah, you can't do that

That's insane. I mean it is not part of the show. It's just a woman Well, it's also just her name. Yeah, it's just her. Yeah, it's like, you know, just red letters. Yeah, that's funny She should get that money though. Dasha's not doing as good as we are. Yeah, but she didn't do any work That's just her name It's her existence that he's without her. You can't tell if you're in the DSA You understand how it works people get paid for the work that they do. No, dude The guy made the shirts. He came up with the design. He put them on there. I don't know man. I Don't you know give give give Dasha a little piece of that. That's what I'm saying. Yeah share the wealth DSA style

You know I'm saying Medicare Medicare for balls She was like, did you make fun of me for believing in the moon on your last episode? Oh, yeah I was like, yeah, so what I could I can it's my life too. I can make fun of you. Fuck you bitch She's like, yeah, people are get for believing in the people are now making fun of me about that She believes in the moon. Yeah, she believes in the moon She's like you do understand that women's menstrual cycles are connected to the lunar cycle Yeah, dude, that's a crock of horseshit if you ask me sounds ridiculous to me

I'm saying the moon up there once a month and so does the moon. Yes, so there's a 28 days The time the moon never only comes out. I what is your pussy control the tides to the tides? You know I'm saying moon. There's a light inside the moon that turns dark and then yes It shades itself and on the back the dark side I took acid just sat on my porch Did I tell you guys that? It's pretty fun. Yeah, I'm getting real into a psycho. It's crazy that there was a time when like People just didn't know what the moon was and then somebody was like, I guess it's like a guy I guess that's like probably like a guy that

Guy boss of me. He hates the Sun. You know the Sun don't fucking they're not shit. They were brothers Yeah, everyone's like write this shit down This guy sounds like a scientist I was just a high-ass theory. Yeah, right. We should fucking get stoned as shit and just make like Art what we think science is Give that's what we should do a show It's a natural phenomenon and I'll get stoned or on my actually you have to ask that You should write that up and try and pitch it as a show. Yeah fucking moron explain it

I mean, I think that's every vice show is that someone smokes weed and then does something. Yeah, right? We could do our own vice show dude. We'll pitch us to that. Yeah vice get at us. There's got to be some fucking somebody that was like I Don't know didn't quit vice even after they were raping or whatever. What was vice doing some bad shit It's so weird that like if Gavin McGinnis didn't get fired He wouldn't be doing any of this shit. Would he probably not yeah, he wouldn't give a shit about did you see In culture, man, the fucking Proud Boys are so stupid looking. Oh In that guy with the fucking

Like what what what are their beliefs I don't get it They have to protect are they race they are right white culture Proud Boys are race. They're like a no-fap, too Oh, damn. Yeah, I can't get down with that, bro. Either you support all races or you beat off Okay, and that's that's where I'm starting the conversation. That seems dangerous. That no-fap shit. Oh, yeah, dude Have you not beat off for a while? You're crazy hurt yourself. You're impulsive. Yeah. Yeah, you know what I mean? You think you want to get married, but you just have to beat off Yesterday, I just came all over the floor Like the hard one that is some dirty shit. I just didn't care

Dude, some girl I thought I was hooked up with like a couple years ago We just like she's like, yeah, you just come on the I just I was like it sucks You just come on the sheets. I felt like I was already I was already at a place I was already in a place where like my dick quote-unquote didn't get hard while beating off, but it's like now whoo It's crazy. Really? Yeah. Yeah, you'll come back dude. There's something going on. Maybe yeah It's probably just like an emotional thing as a guy who's got a lot of ups and downs with my little ass dick I can tell you you're due for a nice I was watching

Uh, I was watching getting nice and stiff. I was watching porn earlier today. Nice. It's some brazzers video And the guy porn guy. I forgot what the stupid setup was. Oh, no, it's some guy. He's like He has to come in and fuck someone's wife because he has low sperm count So he's like, yeah, so we're getting this doctor d to come in and this guy comes in And he's like, he's like, you're not even a doctor. He's like I'm not lying to you. This guy was a great actor. Like he had comic chops like Porn actors are really really bad. This guy was like actually like could be like A comedic actor until the point where he's like, yeah

I've got like a massive willy and then you like pulled it out and then they started fucking Was he British? Were they British? Both of the guys were British. It was very strange. You're watching two guys that have sex No, no, no, no, no. So the increase your sperm count. I have to fuck you in your ass and come in your ass. I don't mean it's a deal to look at porn anymore because it's like chatterbait kind of I haven't looked I haven't like watched like a brazzers like very Like set up and contrived poor thing in the long time. What porn should be? Yeah, and it's like, you know No, I'm back. I was off porn. I'm back in with a vengeance. Dude. I found out I'm beating off so much Something about it being live is like I like it because there's a connection. It's a real person. Yeah. Yeah, we're together

I imagine us together. Yeah, I'm a different person. That's why I like sending a dick pic is like I know someone looked at my dick and that makes me But it is sad sometimes when you're watching chatterbait And they're in like Columbia or whatever and you can tell they're just in like some fucking warehouse somewhere like In chatterbait cubicles. Does that actually bother you or it is kind of I mean I jack off to it Obviously, but afterwards. All right That's all I wanted

Respect no, I mean I thought I recently actually That this porn star I used to watch all the time. Uh-huh. God aids. Whoa. Dasha told me what was his name Her name was Naomi Naomi Russell Frank And oh Naomi that got the big ass with a huge ass. No Oh, yeah, really? Isn't that so sad? Damn, bro. Yeah in college. I used to jack off to her all the time. They get big and aids all the time. It's like, you know, blowing out of your elbow or whatever. I was really sad like old Yeller. It's like old Yeller. It's like old surgery and then you're back to business. Yeah, yeah, it's true That other girl killed herself earlier this year August Ames. That was very sad

Because the Libs bullied her. Mm-hmm. Really? The care lords. Did they? Yeah. No, I mean she was just like Um, she just said like She she tweeted that she was like pissed off that they wanted her to do Um, a scene with a guy that did gay porn as well And I guess in terms of STD Transmissions you're at a higher risk if you're doing it with someone that has sex with men and women. Yeah, even professionally Yeah, so she was trying to say like it is funny how much that shit lines up with just like Sin homophobia because it's like Christianity was taking L's for like 400 years. Yeah. Yeah, you know science

They were getting their asshole licks science. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, just dunking. Yeah. Yeah, and then you know aids rose around in 1980s And it's like, you know, and from the back of the pack here comes, you know John H. Fags Just this photo finish in 1989 when they're like actually it's because you're gay and you're an intravenous druggy Oh, damn. They really they all died. They all died like damn every single like every cool ass gay guy So many dudes die. Yeah. Yeah, if you lived in new york in 1981, you were gay All your friends died. You know what and considering that it's like you can't say we didn't do anything to prevent climate change People have a carbon footprint does nightclubs generate a lot of pollution. Yeah, it's true. Absolutely

It was there was a very you know how you know how fucking letting hundreds of thousands of people die You know how much water goes into make the body glitter. It's unbelievable, dude. It's true Yeah, so if you think reagan did do anything for the environment letting gay guys die of AIDS was what i'm saying Magnum opens. Anyway that porn stars. I just I just want to get to a place where i'm giving everyone the benefit of the doubt And that's what I I have to believe about this world is that in in

In his actions There was a heart of gold may have been gilded but reagan Yep, the guy the gipper the guy the guy cared about this planet, you know, whatever the fuck his name was What was his nickname the gipper the gipper? Yeah, you said it and then said what was his nickname? That was a real out of move, but I didn't know if that was real. I would a game recognized game I didn't I just didn't remember if that was his nick the gipper Why did they call him that though? I don't know because he played well he has teeth removed in prison And yeah

He played a famous noter dame football coach in a movie newt rockney His name was and he said in the famous speech win one for the gipper and that was himself In the movie said that and then people started calling him the giver when he became so in the movie It still doesn't have an explanation in the movie. He just calls himself the giver I think no, I think that's his nickname or something But why so he's like come on guys win it for me. That's kind of a bullshit speech Well, it's also nicknames still doesn't have an origin. It's still just like, uh, it's a thing. He said one time Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, I'm sure it has an origin. No, this is like when george tried to be uh t-bone

And then they call them cocoa I'm t-bone Yeah, i'm candy lips And then he went he hires an african woman named coco so that they can't call him coco anymore I don't remember that. That was a fucking hilarious episode. Yeah, george gets in his head that he wants his nickname to be t-bone That's a good ass. So he's like eating a t-bone steak. Oh, yeah, I gave somebody else a nickname and then uh, yeah And then they start calling him cocoa There's something that gets like hot. I can't remember

Something makes a point of bringing around this like african woman named coco He's like you can't have two coco's. Yeah And then I think they start calling her t-bone. Hmm, or something. He's like i'm t-bone. Yeah Yeah, this is a good one george rules, man. Yeah god Shuts out to him almost getting the fucked marissa tome That gave me so much hope as a child In that movie marissa don't get that that uh, that show Yes, that show was like mind blowing just seeing those ugly jewish men fucking

Clarissa explains it all but it's Clarissa gives brains at all. Oh, yeah, she just sucks everybody's dick That's really including fergusson her brother. Was that her brother? She sucks off. I've never seen that show I think fergusson's the neighbor. Is that the neighbor? Yeah What about full house, but it's full ass Ferguson named after fergusson missouri. Yes. It's a tribute He was the actor did it in blackface. Imagine how like if like by chance SNL wrote the character turd fergusson after those riots

How fucking mad people would be? It just dropped the riots happened and then yeah turd fergusson. Yeah, I mean obviously wouldn't happen that way, but yeah What if you know what if is a good question? What if is a question that produces All the comedy we do on this one. Yeah, for example, what if I don't know we filled that uh, coke bottle full of diarrhea. Yeah, and we threw it at yeah, uh blind a mallet a mallet of a mallet mallet Cockatoff no, it's got shit in it. So it's a Shit

A mallet shit A small fuck tail. What would a mallet have cock a fuck a tail. It's got filled with shit Shit filled with shit. It's russian. John Ramsey used to have a joke about russian history and diarrhea. That was a very good job Maybe let's look that up. Maybe there's a pun in there somewhere. It's a fuck. Um, uh, fuck. Okay, number two. No poo There's shit. There's poo. There's crap paul blart molla cop talk It's a different direction, but I like it. Okay. No idea's bad. Yeah, I'm just trying to brainstorm Yeah

Look, this is what being a comedy writer is. I want another fucking staff job. I miss that shit Yeah, just getting fat as hell off snacks saying dumb shit. You were happy making so much money You know what? It was funny. I was thinking about that the other day It's like I looked at pictures of myself and I look like absolute shit. Yeah, I'm happy You don't look that bad. Oh, dude. I'm terrible. You didn't look that bad. You just had like love. You just have body dysmorphia Yeah, I got body dysmorphia. I was literally 50 pounds heavier than I am now. Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe you were fat I don't fucking know. I was fat as shit, but uh Yeah, it's like

No, I was you just do that. You just make yourself a piece of shit. Yeah, like the inside matches the outside It's great and you feel good. You feel great. Dude. Honestly, heaven. I was thinking about this Heaven would literally be just on this couch getting seamless and you just don't get that fat And then a girl would come over once every three weeks But if I could just hang out with my boys pour the potty-tob cocktail pour the potty-tob Potty-tob is there is the potty-tob cocktail. I can do better than that. Yeah, let's keep talking. Um Yeah, dude, I think like just heaven would be just eating shit and like playing video games It's just like but you don't feel bad. That's the problem with that lifestyle

So you just get fat as shit and you feel horrible. Uh-huh, but the actual times you're doing it feels awesome, dude Yeah I feel like I would like to be a horse or something just a wild horse just running around in a fucking field You know because I can't actually run. I'm not built for it But if I could gallop, I would love it. We should ride a horse just a winged horse Don't we ride horses? That's what's in my heart. I could be that. I'd be amazed Just come up over a vista with your winged ass horse. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be awesome. And then you could do battle wild horses are

Horses were brought to north america domesticated. Yeah, so they are Feral previously domestic animals that have adapted. Oh, it's like a piece of meat You already defrosted and you put back in the freezer exactly So It is Have you ever been a wild horse from azatique island? No, where's a wild horse from the ocean city, mariland? No Uh, the horses are for european Where though, uh, spain spain arabian horses arabian. Is arab- arabian

So is that Saudi Arabia? I think all of europe, I don't know. I have no fucking Yeah I know an arabian horse is a type of horse. Yeah Sounds cool. You know that the only way you can ride is you know that for a curved redemption Which the sequels coming out, which is funny. There's a couple people. They're like, come on dog You gotta just hang out at least till red dead redemption too. And it's like damn. Yeah, it is a good point. I do What is it's like clint eastwood video game? It's good. It's like grand theft thought about with horses. No, yeah It's good as shit. It's really good western

Yeah, so western the theme is like he's like the last cowboy basically he's like lives in this like town where Industrialization is coming. So they're like just You know, he's got to like kill off the old members of his gang, but it's like these and then you scalping Oh, yeah, you scalp mother. I don't remember scalping. I think you do. Do you? Yeah, it's oh, yeah, that's right Can you it's like wild you're like, what? No that game that game is Can you RAP in it? And yeah, and oh, whoa, no, because you cannot there was I remember there was an xbox achievement for tying a woman up and put her on the train tracks Oh, the old villain move. You can last so dude. I I got high in my apartment. There's so like the last area in the game is this like

Like industrialized town or whatever. There's like a car and the train comes through and stuff and uh And uh, there's like a saloon where there's like a poker game going on and one of the people playing the poker game is like, uh one of those like Uh, I guess like boxer rebellion style Chinese guys. Yeah. Yeah. Oh hell. Yeah. Yeah, you know, yeah like a celestial or whatever and I switched to the uh To the uh, like just fists and I like shoved them and you can like shove people And I shoved them all the way out of the saloon to like the edge of town and count a cliff And it took like an hour to do it

But it was like so satisfied. Yeah shoved that Chinese guy all the way to the edge of the town Didn't want to shoot him. Yeah, no, I thought it'd be fun. I thought it'd be funny or just shoveling Why didn't he stick up for himself? That would be not built into his AI Sometimes they do sometimes they fight you and otherwise other times you can just keep shoving them But he was just a stoic. He's just sat there taking it. Yeah, it's kind of beautiful. It is beautiful You know what else will be beautiful? Chilling seeing our friend Nicholas moan at caroline. Oh, this weekend this weekend folks go see nick tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow it'll be wednesday tomorrow friday and

Saturday night that's right shows friday two shows saturday go support our boy We we all want to hit the road together and alone doing stand-up. So buy tickets. These are that's big for us Uh, we'll also be in baltimore the next sunday sunday this sunday this sunday the 12th at the auto bar Please buy tickets to that I will also be pleased by tickets to these i'm in charlottesville on the 17th if you're in virginia or surrounding areas Please buy tickets to that and i'm in baltimore doing a fun-ass show with my little brother, george At judsey art by judsey dz o dz ie He's doing a gallery opening. It was awesome weird fucked up paintings and i am doing a stand-up show at eight o'clock

And we're also just going to hang out and get fucked up On the 18th at my friend's brewery suspended brewery Spend a brewery company. So come out to that and then i'm back in philly on the 19th Good good comedy theater. I'm trying to sell out three shows again. I'm not flaking this time. I'll be there in a damn walking boot Um, so those are the ones coming up and then we are together as a unit back again in cleveland on the second live pod 4 20 p.m. As part of the accidental comedy festival shuts out ramon and then we're in boston on the third um

As part of the boston comedy festival. We're doing a live one there and i will be in fairfield connecticut on the seventh um So yeah, everybody and then more dates coming up after that But those are the big ones coming up recent right now and then you go to stavey.biz stavvy.biz I have my dates and then also live come town links to live come town ones So if you want to get those oh and funny mom's on Is scheduled for the 13th. It's not going to be happening

We have to cancel it this week because we're gonna be in baltimore nicks. Yeah, we're gonna be out of town I'm gonna stay in baltimore to get a fucking second to be out of town nicks gonna be in la So we have to cancel it, but we will be back On the 20. What is it? I want to say the 27th The 27th. Yes. Okay. So the next funny mom's is the 27th. Um Sorry, uh, that we had to cancel is kind of came up. We felt realized this yesterday, but um Yeah, we'll see you on the 27th. And if not, we'll see you in baltimore. If not, we'll see you at carolines Yes, bitch come out come out and come get your nuts sucked. Thank you, everybody. Goodbye everyone