The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 117 – Gasia Sargento

Episode Date: August 23, 2018

And she gets that cheesy ass boipussy

Hello, everyone. Welcome to come to fuck your crinkling. Keep the shit. Keep the fucking Mike thing. We got crinkle Stephens over here. How's it sounds ambassador crinkle Stephens? Who who's the actual guy Chris Stephens? He was killed in Benghazi. Yeah. Oh yeah. He was a homosexual that homosexual was meeting with his Libyan lover in secret after he was doing cocaine with Obama in limo. Obama accidentally sucked his dick too hard. Oh fuck. Obama's caught a couple bodies that way. Yeah. It's true. I sucked dick too hard. I sucked his I sucked the life out of his dick. Just thinking about Obama with like top hat and monocle guys sucking them off in limo. Netflix has some contract with Obama and Obama's are going to get shows and then they just have like just some reality show where you know another one of these reality shows where it's a contest to see how gay you can be like drag race or you know cooking or whatever. Cooking cooking is cool and not I mean being gay is cool. The only non-gay things to do are lift weights and then listen to the acidic air rates. I lift weights is so gay because you want to become more of a man. Yeah. A perfect male. No. You're trying to add mass to a male's body. There's nothing straighter than being a slob. That's right. That's what I say. I'm straighter than my dick. Which you seriously if you do if you go to Chelsea and you see like real fancy like David Barton Jim Gays those guys are like incredible. They're Adonis. Of course. Yeah. They run 4 4 40s. I hope they don't revolt dude. I know. We were fought. They live forever. They like because they don't have the stress of women nagging them. Even though they don't need it. A lot of them don't have HIV but they get the pills anyway. They do it for lifting. You'll make you live until you're like 200 years old and it makes you powerful in the gym.

Yeah. Because your white blood cells are jacked. The entire tech industry is all homosexuals. They they took over the world from the Catholics. I guess in 1970. Whenever you're all the same thing. Whenever they came up with fucking AOL online. No they spun off a segment of the get of the Catholic church. I want to have a show where I'm a conspiracy theorist. It does even no research into that world. Everything is just just a wild ass speculation based on nothing not even prior conspiracy. I love that. Yeah. Stream of consciousness. You know what I mean. Guess what dude. Zeus. That's that's some shit the fucking you want to hear some shit. Animal crackers. They had to change the box and take the pictures of the animals in cages off the box. Was that that bad. It made people sad. It's cruel the animals. I mean what's the big deal. They got the line in the field. Who's who's really hurt by that. Who's hurt by what. Who's hurt by the animals in cages. That's the question. Yeah. There's still animals in cages. It's just the pictures. The pictures. Yeah. I mean I guess I don't see the reason to be mad at that. When's the last time you I don't see the reason to be mad at the original box. I know I don't care either way. I'm not. I'm not mad at either one. It's not even a photo. It's a drawing. It's a drawing. Yeah. Yeah. It's an incredibly retarded thing to get upset. I just don't care either way. Whether they're in the cage.

The game is the position you're taking it. This isn't like a this is complete because I understand sort of what you're trying to say which is like no I'm not trying to say. I'm trying to say is like well why would you get mad at them doing that which is like I understand that I just don't talk about like you know misgendering trans people or whatever. Like yeah if a trans person asked me to say she then I'll say she because it's not a battle to somebody already picked this battle. Somebody started to campaign to get the fucking animals changed. I know but I don't give a fuck. But also the position to have the practice is like you shouldn't be mad about them changing the animals. Which is the position I just honestly don't care if the animal is in in a fucking tundra or whatever if it's in a I don't care if it was initially that they were in a picture on a field. I wouldn't be like these animals should be in cages. I know that's not the problem that I was I know. I mean I get it why change it but I also don't give a fuck that they changed it. I guess the old I'm the ultimate guy who doesn't care. Anyway guys back to the business back to be. Oh here's something I forgot to do.

Aretha Franklin passed away and I wanted to do. I wanted to read the Aretha Franklin. Yeah. Well I want to do a stunning. It's a weird thing for you to be mad. Someone sent me my friend doesn't care about things. Me still you clean. No you're upset. You care the mad that Aretha Franklin died and you want them to change all of her albums to make her white. I do want that. Well you stepped on my point. Did you see the gym. Oh you're talking about the Jim Carrey thing. Yeah that was no no I'm trying to get my own Jim Carrey did a painting of her. She was basically white in the painting. Hell yeah it was pretty funny. It would be funny if he painted her as the mask. You stop me. I just wanted to get my tribute out and it follows SCU belonged. Do you find that how big my dick is my penis exactly oh yeah that was a fun that's a foundational bit honestly without that bit does come town ever happen no probably not that's the and that was

the Genesis started your crinkling again you little sorry it's a beautiful day to suck dick I'm gay it's a beautiful day to suck dick I'm gay won't you suck my won't you suck my penis that that one got me pretty good too that's a good woman good morning boys and girls was it afternoon I don't know what time does mr. I think it's after school yeah he comes in he's out he comes from work takes his shoes off from my job at the being gay store I've been sucking off the policeman the only other man who lives in this town yeah two adult men I hated that documentary so much dude why did you see it no I'll see it I saw the

trailer and it was incredibly beautiful I just fuck with mr. Rogers dude he seems like a good guy he was he was a good guy yeah I like his vibe he didn't fuck kids is that why you're mad at him no I just don't trust him what do you think he was up to man they're on their peas and queues that extent you can't trust him real people some people are just nerds real people fuck up bad you know yeah yeah you didn't have a fucking couple if that's did you have to I was gonna say I was literally just about to say if mr. Rogers also had like a seven DUIs you know be like this guy's great he's human yeah

this is a human yeah a real hero you know it just seems like he has secrets that haven't been found out and will never be found something I know it's hard to fathom because we're all fucking pieces of shit but some people are good people that just don't do bad in the world name one name one of them not mr. Rogers you can't you can't besides mr. Rogers name one I don't know you're literally Oprah's no Oprah's definitely bad Oprah definitely doesn't yeah dude she she was at court for what was it the Oprah's got something going on Oprah's got nothing dude I'm telling you she's got Oprah started Dr. Phil dude that's

evil that guy sucks oh so she's she's responsible for cash me outside made man in his Oprah's for cash me outside which is good you're crinkling bro here we gotta switch mics so that I can listen to it all right won't you suck my penis okay it's a beautiful day to be gay cuz I'm gay cuz I'm a homosexual cuz I am very gay so what's up dude Trump's going to fucking Cohen saying like a little bird we're gonna talk about this yeah I don't shout out to Manafort he didn't snitch he's the man of Ford is like he's cool I love it I love it the ostrich the hot suit he's like a Shatner like Robert Goulet mix yeah yeah he's

the 70s guy yes he's a swing a lounge she's yeah yeah wants to go see magic shows yeah yeah yeah that's pretty cool yeah we're on quailudes I'm gonna take my wife to go see the amazing John was he the one that like did some shit with crime area whatever the fuck yeah was that someone else yes was that and Bernie Sanders Tyler Perry's crime is yeah but it's cool that he laundered all that money through expensive clothing yeah it's like Tyler Perry's a black man instead of like a white guy that made his crew off dressing up like a fat black lady yeah I wonder if the suit is latex yeah can you get away with it Taylor's

media James Gordon this is the fire and rain guy and another thing I'd like to do is dress up like a big fat black lady get myself into hilarious scenario if you came tonight expecting fire and rain I do apologize I'll be doing media goes you know the plot is diary of a mad black woman was it there was rain is I don't know what James Taylor sounds I don't know yeah I don't know I've seen fire I've seen fire and I've seen rain is he fat no no he's bald I've seen men bend over and expose the right and I've seen my dick at real hard I always thought that I'd see you come in my eye that's good man I don't know that song but

you don't know firing right no I like those vibes yeah no James Taylor's alright nice to find yeah you know eldest really it's when the singers the singer songwriter was king for a while mm-hmm it went away yeah there's a while where how about the dinger dong rider hell yeah like a guy that tells jokes but he also just sits on guys cocks okay I like that no no no no I'm a comedian but I also am gay for pay dinger dong rider mm-hmm why the dinger cuz you know that means hangers oh what about zinger dong right I don't write yeah there we go all right he and I just

had an image in my head of a carousel what are those called merry-go-round but it's you going up and down on a guy's cock it's a carousel is that yeah oh yeah carousel like the horses he's got a mirror he's just looking over his shoulder the other James Taylor single the big one I go to Carolina is that oh yeah Carolina yeah yeah my mind I'm gonna care isn't that just Georgia is that that didn't he steal Ray Charles song that's George yeah yeah yeah the fuck he just picked a different state and stole the song well it's two states who was first there's a north and the south yeah but so he's got who was first he's

got Ray there who did it first that's two states I would imagine about Jim Crochy's media that's another white guy yeah yeah you know that big bad Lee Roy Brown bad his man in the whole damn town okay than a junkyard dog you know that song yeah yeah it's like it's one song that he died oh shit no no no he had a operator why don't you help me place this call oh really number on the match book is so I don't think I know this that song is really really good story Jim Crochy songs used to tell story they did man Crochy wanted is oh hell yeah this guy looks awesome yeah yeah I love that guy

dude yeah that's a mischievous ass man that's songs about how he's trying to call his ex and the only she's out in California fucking some guy damn and the only contact he has for is on this match book mmm and it but it's faded kind of looks like DeVito yeah yeah yeah yeah he looks like mean he looks you know we gotta have DeVito and he's just trying to call her to tell her that he's fine okay so he's clearly still that's hilarious yeah I just want to get right there I should know my ex-girlfriend's getting dick down and I don't die to the airport in the TJI Friday in the Cinnabon yeah at a chillies to go oh yeah

I died at a plane oh no during takeoff uh-huh oh shots out to a friend of the show if the plane's gonna crash usually happens within a minute of takeoff what yeah so anytime the plane takes off I count out a minute in my head good good lord almighty pray for sweet death I didn't know that yeah I'm gonna be anxious fuck unless you got old sully sullenberger flying the plane right you think you could be a pilot if like of course dude you got me with Denzel where he's doing like coke and like yeah but he's he's strengthened off good Latino pussy that's that's what I would be there I mean I would actually be drinking

for like 15 hours between flights yeah there's just do a couple bumps before my flight yeah that's straight I could do this I could do actually when you're in the air it's mostly automated right yeah you basically only have to take off and let us can be pilots like dirty air I love those guys they're like it's not racist I'm only I found the black guy who did something wrong I'm allowed to say whatever I want about him Google alert for justified black crimes you know you just got to be it's got to make sense I mean they are dusty it's a sandy place sure Africa in the Middle East mm-hmm yeah I mean dirt I

guess yes dirt that's a lot of Morocco you keep talking about that mm-hmm you ever been to Morocco never it looks really nice I kind of want to go on vacation should we go to Morocco yeah did get a little Marrakesh or Fez yeah yeah what kind of food they got over there dates great food Tajine have you ever had that before that chicken stew kind of shit is it like Indian food almost like alcohol so the food's got to be balling they don't have alcohol no why Muslim country no more you could probably drink it like resorts and stuff they're Muslims don't drink that's why they're pissed off dude god damn it how

the fuck why do we have we've been recording at yours and we brought no cord from yours this has been a problem before why didn't we buy another one this is our first episode back at mine since that's true it feels good to be out of my home I was gonna kill myself dude we're slightly unprepared we're sorry about myself too I'm glad the summer of death is coming to an end I can't wait to fall dude falls the best in New York winter is the goddamn best I love I love the way it just fucking fall is the best freezes off the pussies of this city like warts back back to your shitty home in fucking Florida when I first moved my

first winter here was horrific I was just I stayed in my apartment and just watched I was in those apartments with no heat wake up in the middle of night I could see my breath remember just being like this what do you actually enjoy I don't understand I believe the sound of sirens the sound of sirens yeah it feels good to be out of my apartment my foot hurts a little bit I gotta go to my doctor and know how much exactly I can get out and about but I can't stay in that fucking apartment I'm gonna kill myself dude yeah yeah you gotta get out dude you know mushrooms experience the world I I the last time I took mushrooms

I just like it wasn't even fun I just sat on my porch and thought about how sad I was gonna be when my mom died it was mushrooms are too emotional yeah yeah I'm gonna do acid maybe I just laugh about when I'm on acid mushrooms I like that you just come straight up for like six hours I was laughing about the chief busters of the Supreme Court they have a little cup under their desk after Roberts the majority decision is thus disappears into the road like a turtle yeah the robe just is being knocked out to the sides like two cartoons yeah he's sucking his own dick in this scenario okay nice under there like an 1800s

photographer hell yeah who else we got slobberts we got master Bader Ginsburg we got Sonya give head to my or suck dick in yeah blow it's cool we just have a black guy named Clarence on the Supreme Court Clarence what did Clarence Thomas do he put like his pubes on a coke can or something woman did he actually um no he didn't he put his pubes somewhere yeah yeah on yeah it was like a diet coke can yeah is that his move I feel like yeah this big move would you get the fair mass listening me too to also by Anita Hill he's taking down all the white guys he's bulletproof I mean the Supreme

Court should be judge masses judge show right divorce court bitch judge Alex remember judge Alex Alex he was a cop I am the law judge Alex rule though yeah he was the most chill of all the judges because he was like 27 years old yeah he was how to get all those degrees he was strong he was like the dookie hauser of being a cop judge Alex 13 year old Joe was jacked dude was it yeah he was a good-looking man was he on people's court it was just called no judge Alex fucking idiot I used to do a bit about it there was a show called Texas justice which is small claims but you get the death penalty only if you're

retarded yeah damn should we are we due for a new judge show should we revitalize the medium I mean that was all network television was for like ten years have you guys watched daytime TV anytime soon I haven't know because they changed all the channels when they went to that those digital antennas there's now all these like upstart channels that are like laugh.io yeah it's all like little house on the prairie in like 1970s late night talk yeah it's fucking that's one those language love in Spanish you remember when we were in LA by who's the boss that sounds good to me we watched Richard Pryor on Carson yes on one of

those channels when we were at Jamil's that's right it was so well just kind of like meandering like it was straight late night talk shows in the set like it's so funny to be like this was he was the king of late night it was just like an okay show like it wasn't really like there weren't that many jokes like a conversation yeah yeah it was fun to watch but it was like damn yeah the things people respect are bullshit yeah yeah like the first season of SNL you could almost bet that if something's good it's probably bad that's true and guess where you can place that bet oh yeah I got that DSI number one the

bit greatest mm-hmm according to everyone objectively 100% scientifically the number one literally betting side reviews no one has ever had a bad experience at bet DSI there's a guy that did find him fucking up kill him he's probably a liar probably rapes children I don't want a different bet site yeah exactly with a littler penis exactly so you can't trust that guy but you can trust us when you say the bet DSI.com has been in business over 20 years paying out winners they got an easy to use mobile app mm-hmm you know which means you can use it on your fucking phone pull your phone up place some

goddamn bets you know you're stuck on the train somebody killed themselves on the six cars ahead you got it you got time to kill you're down in the tunnels bet do some mom gonna miss him let's place bets what's who's you know what's how we Mandel up to right now washing his hands washing his hands yeah he's doing that does does America have talent no no is can you say the n-word on America's got talent yeah yeah if you do it in a funny voice with a ventriloquist that guy went bet on it mm-hmm thousand languages they offer live in-game wagering which means you can change your mind I love changing my

mind I do a hard stance you know I voted for Donald Trump two weeks later pretend I didn't pretend that I wasn't going around on a day when I'm on a date pretend I didn't of course a girl asked me right a woman says are you wearing a condom and you say yes and then when she looks down you live in game way to use the razor blade to cut little slices into your dick to bleed into her pussy she goes what is that I'm like it's called live in game wow that's real yeah and I've carved bet DSI into the head of my car to just get the blood all the way into the back of her pussy mm-hmm where she is sure to contract the

love virus aka HIV so don't believe the convenient yeah having HIV just means you fucked yeah I'm sorry that it means I party that's what you're mad at me for the party having a good time oh what I have to leave Boston market because I'm getting paper cuts over the buffet anyways so yeah bet DSI game wagering we got any picks coming up there's really nothing going on so far as I guess the WNBA play premier league is back and you know what take Manchester City to win at all this at the menace make bet the links I feel like they're always good or the Minnesota links yeah they guys are my picks they got some big bitches

this yeah they got some xxl if you are for a segregated basketball league go to bet DSI down promo code come 120 yes and come 125 come on you get a free $125 no sorry they match your shit 125% bonus on top of your deposit damn they changed the promo code because people were winning too much money bitch we put too many you motherfuckers through college yeah with our fucking promo code by fucking your mom hush money yeah give it I just love that insult yeah I'm putting you through college 50 cents at a time that was a good one though yeah and it's like man mom I do not need to go to college yeah especially if these

are my jeans you know I'm not gonna accomplish anything yeah I'm stop fucking people for 50 for God's sakes you have a master's charge $10 minimum you're a chemical engineer mba who is the jack musty but basketball ass huh the Jackie like the first black guy I don't know that must have been mind blowing like all those like short short like white guys and then I don't remember what I'm just completely wrecking everyone that's just been so disappointed but that just goes to show you how quickly they let black people like it's not like Jackie Robinson where it took a while it was like the moment a black guy played

they're like oh yeah oh yeah we gotta have these guys like this is crazy they're away but you know the guy's name by the time you put like at half time they had signed three other black players after the first black player playing the NBA that is funny how much better black people are yeah there's no argument about it right because it's got to be a measure of something yeah for sure it's a very it's like a specific kind of like spatial and tell like just athletic and like spatial intelligence like LeBron's a fucking genius like he just under like the best basketball players who just have a special kind of like intelligence

yeah yeah it's so funny it's just like that's the kind of thing racists just have quit on you you'll never hear I think a lot of race realists like accept that and then they use it to like fuel other arguments are like clearly black people are like better at sports because they have like a different set of like advantages yeah yeah but they were selective criminality also they're dumber than us putting them in cages to play sports for our yeah that's probably that is probably their stance I mean of course it is like that's obviously the argument that you would fucking make yeah you pivot to it quick

yeah but anyway I'm Chinese getting mad at affirmative action did they in what sense well it's because it I mean Chinese would naturally take over all the schools yeah because oh they suit the college I got what they call a celestial brain yeah better numbers cuz it's dealing with the gravity of the planets and the line with the stars mm-hmm numbers just come come down into their head by divine right it's a mandate from heaven that they should solve these math problems I thought I read something somewhere where it's like they do teach Chinese people a different method of mathematics early on it could

be I mean I have no fucking like a different kind of way to multiply like the construction of their language might lend yes I'm like the mathematical thinking yeah but I have no idea mm-hmm I mean I think I think the reason card yeah they just work harder cuz it like it like a Chinese parent will beat the fuck you learn Suzuki I mean they're not even allowed to wear shoes in the fucking house I know you know which I was thinking about we should probably take our shoes off whenever we go into our house or now you go mud room no mud room you want a mud room that's like a Midwest thing right yeah you have a

room with now I was looking at homes upstate saying about buying a bunch of acreage upstate nice that would be cool houses have mud rooms because they got trails that's pretty tight a little room where you take your fucking okay I'm willing to accept the mud room yeah I just feel like shoes are dirty as fuck they're out on the street mm-hmm I should it shouldn't be in my bedroom you know that's a place for love making beautiful love making about glove making you know you really into being a glove listening to come town it's evolved from fucking to just taking regular things and make them into fucking just saying another

word one-two punch puts Trump back on his heels how about a one-two punch puts Trump back on his deals it's about the book art of deals no back after these messages just come down next year is 400 live reads that'd be kind of fun just I read one headline I'm like oh pleading guilty Cohen implicates president how about the bleeding mm-hmm Wilty his dick wilts go off King go instead of Michael Cohen it's Michael Cohen brothers inside Lewin's asshole inside did they do inside Lou and David yes okay yeah I'd Louins asshole I'm gonna go inside out Lou and Davis and it's about feelings we'll be back after these messages that's

good we should do that every five minutes you need CBD oil that sounds awesome yes I do the CBD oil it's a it's a crock right I feel a little chilled out when I take it but that's like placebo yeah it's placebo dude cuz it CBD oil does not work if you've been smoking weed your entire life they don't tell you that that like we'd already has a shit ton of CBD oil right so if you just if you're like you've never smoked before maybe it'll have some effect but if you know really well I've never taken to me it's yeah I was taking it when I was like getting wound up a couple weeks ago and like it wasn't I

wasn't able to control it I was like smoking a lot of CBD oil and it did nothing really did absolutely fucking nothing I swear to God I feel a little buzz but maybe it's just all psychosuchmatic yeah maybe you give it to my mom then she's never had weed my mom came out to the show in Baltimore by the way she's funny she loved it yeah I even did a joke about doing cocaine and then I was like mom I swear I'm not doing it anymore which I'm not she was laughing yeah she's having a good time did she understand all of it yeah my mom speaks good English man I wish my parents didn't speak English then I

could truly be free my dad doesn't speak English but I don't really speak to him anymore so he can suck my fucking dick but yeah we had a beautiful time out in Beemore my little brother sold some paintings shots out there when they came out to Beemore we never told the story of the waitress oh yeah that fucking ruled yeah I bet you couldn't tell I got my hair done because I'm a grandma now she's like owning me yeah she really was like you can just ask to sit down yeah so we went to a diner after the auto bar show which was a fucking in Greek town in Greek town the classic the diner of my youth the

boulevard diner over on Eastern Avenue and we had just the most done dog trash ass just lived up to the hype hype waitress she got corn she got corn rose to celebrate the birth of her granddaughter like 41 years old by the way yeah she eats cigarette and she was like she was like yeah um so you know my co-worker she's a Mexican woman you know she's from Honduras that is two different countries she's a Mexican woman you know she's from Honduras she took one look at it she said that a black girl do that and I was like come on don't come at me with this race dog yeah yeah yeah she could tell how I was

playing in the room like we were all like she could tell our face if we like laughed immediately yeah yeah yeah she would have been the woman I work with she's Mexican she was expecting us to be like damn you got a message about messy games I was also wearing that t-shirt with my face on it and it's an RIP and I went over to the Wawa next tour and there was a man named Stavros working there he's just this gay Baltimore guy working the night shift at Wawa yeah he's like he's like is that a relative of yours that doesn't look like your brother died I'm shocked that there was another Stavros

there though man yeah it was a gay Baltimore guy at the city hotel downtown I can't remember which one it was Hyatt or something in Baltimore yeah yeah yeah and the guy is clearly just has never had another gay friend he's like not connect he's not in the community not connected to the gay community yeah yeah he's just a gay guy like just a gay free agent loose dick wearing this suit that doesn't fit at all I mean and he looks like he manages like a national tire and battery hell yeah you know just shitty fucking Hank Hill hair cut yeah and he's like well we're all out of the

King size bedrooms but we do have a double queen yeah yeah yeah just typing it is funny to just see the like yeah the gay guys that have no connection yes they don't know how to be gay yeah yeah yeah like the right way to yeah they got the they got one part down real good you know they can figure that part out well maybe he doesn't even know he's gay yeah I have a friend who I grew up with who like just lives with his like old elderly ass grandparents like sneaks men in and gets fucked yeah yeah maybe yeah and the the his grandmother confronted his brother about it and he was like I know what kind of I

know what he is which by the way just a little another slice of Greek town when I bought the house when I signed the papers my neighbor just like popped in and he was a you he popped in to warn me that my other neighbor was gay okay just like wanting to let me know that's why the property value yeah so agreeable and he was like and he's like good guy though but you know just so you know just watch your back next door you have one yeah damn I love being a damn homeowner I bought a big-ass fucking fluffy-ass couch that was a comfy couch wasn't it yeah sort of it kept separating underneath my ass yeah we have

that we there was a latch that we didn't do we figured that out after you left I hate that when your sectional separates yeah it's to fuck on one and it would always separate oh you know what you do about it you just have to move you got to nail that together or something yeah we got the little latch going I don't plan to fuck on that couch I plan to fucking my bed but it's very comfy and I bought a 70 inch television it's gonna be funny when you can't fuck anymore from from destroying your body I will always be able to fuck dude yeah I will find a way even if I'm doing weird shit I'm just finger bombing like like in

Patrice's last special he talks about how he doesn't how he just like puts his chin in his girl's pussy and like eats her out while she likes like plays with his nipples and it's like hey man if that's where I'm at a 40 that's fine but I'm gonna be fucking believe me yeah so ladies I'll always find the way to pleasure you romantically yeah if you're so inclined has to come I'm gonna get with my little nuts heroin and then just no don't do that and then yeah that's what that's the plan you're planning on fucking but you ever try to hair okay and then they'll be great girlfriends yeah oh yeah they'll be

subservient they'll just know you know yeah I love getting people addicted to drugs that does sound pretty good yeah that's the ultimate control that's a good way to be in relationships wine scene accuser denies having sex with a man accusing her of assault damn it's all a web of lies yeah yeah yeah she she completely denied it and she said that it was Anthony Bourdain the late Anthony Bourdain's idea to pay him off so not only what not only did she Tony's in heaven in dumplings right now this motherfucker threw a dead guy under the bus with a damn Jewish right no he wasn't sure I don't know I mean I'm pretty

they probably sent him to hell just in case yeah yeah yeah he definitely had enough Jewish friends definitely in yeah and some sort of damn we think heaven's like hell or something we think heaven's like dude there's no such good pussy yeah it'd be great if she's knowing about having sex with a kid about not having sex with him yeah no yeah if she did have sex them because there's pictures there's a picture of them in bed after not of her like what sucking his dick they're in bed there's a picture of them allegedly in the hotel room afterwards yeah whoa taking a selfie after like I think they were shirtless

in bed yeah I mean the times can you see your shit without verifying it can you see your titties in that I don't know anymore yeah the failing New York times I don't know go off King fucking criticism do some I read the fucking worst op-ed in the times last night before I went to bed that was that guy Frank Bruni I don't know and it was like Melania Trump has the opportunity to be the greatest first yeah the greatest first lady of all time I immediately I read the whole thing it was the last paragraph was like saying yeah it's because like she's like a cold bitch yeah it's like who gives a shit Melania's

clearly been owning Trump what side I just like fucking liberal fantasy nonsense where well Melania's a good person well you know they did the same thing she's a bad person just sucking Obama's cock right now oh yeah this beautiful love right yeah love the idea of like the drama and sexual tension between like the first lady and the president yeah I still think people don't fucking their personal right right right you know Eleanor Roosevelt was just giving the pussy up the yard like Michelle's rolling off Barack with cum dripping out of her open pussy and she whispers in her ear my turn oh yeah the

my turn that was a whole thing sweet brutal yeah that's amazing that was one of the worst yeah yeah I want to throw up just imagine just fetishizing the president fucking his wife and his wife fucking but the act of it happening inside the skull of some fucking limp right shithead baby boom loser some woman that's never cut like hasn't come at all god damn it yeah that care bears woman you know that just getting Barack was giving her that missionary for like 10 years Barack was giving her that BBC he was like this is our resistance Michelle this is us resisting Trump I will say I would watch them have sex

they're good-looking couple for their age watch anybody have sex that's not true I wouldn't want your Greek heritage that is I like Melania because I think she's a bad person I don't watch Melania and I think she's hot because I think she's like she looks good and she's a bad person she's about that money she came over from Eastern Europe she married a fat loser yep he accidentally became the president good for her get paid girl mm-hmm why does it have to be anything more than that that the president's wife is a whore I mean it doesn't matter yeah who cares I don't care yeah there's so much other shit going on for people to

fixate on that is finally heading finally a first lady with some class yeah but the last paragraph of that like Melania Trump thing was like Melania go and visit LeBron James's school go have mimosas with Angela Merkel go have a pajama party with Hillary Clinton what the it's like why is this being printed yeah yeah yeah this is a fever tree yeah this is a like from from a demented person insane asylum yeah I go even I'm a twisted psych Melania Joker if you go suck off upon also this vice article a fat one just lesbians with pussy blood oh yeah that was brutal like this is actually a statement about it's

like no having sex on your period fucking literally weird yeah yeah oh well people are brave people are disgusted by women's bodies or whatever and it's like they aren't but they should be if it's being you know a woman with period blood clown makeup yeah anyways but having said that we will still fuck yeah on your period you know what they need to do they need to put some underwear on exactly stop up that pussy blood with the finest antimicrobial design shopping and simple fabrics the man's underwear has got to hold your cock while sweating all over yourself so true when you're watching the new red dead redemption

trail that cock sweat absolutely did my fucking just can't wait to tie up those bitches and fucking throw them on the train tracks baby scalp some fucking yeah scalp some Indian tribe read for Red Dead Red Dead Mac Weldon.com so smart design premium fabric simple shopping check them out easy to buy stuff online I've done it myself it's super easy folks I got a gift card for my cousin for his birthday didn't have talked to him for six months perfect they bang bang boom mm-hmm got it done at Mac Weldon.com they got the great crew necks fucking all kinds of shit all kinds of shit you fucking idiot

you know if you're like one of the like a like a rich white guy or one of those cool black guys you can wear their clothes you know maybe a Chinese probably yeah I would say definitely a Chinese I say as long as you're not Indian you can wear my clothes. Come on. Come on. Most Indians can't lose our sponsors. Yeah. Mac Weldon they do allow Indians to use their website. Mac Weldon now featuring now featuring an Indians allowed website and if you're thinking Native American think the opposite if you're thinking South Asia think the opposite. Yeah you're the racist. They've got a big banner on their

website now it says now dot and feather. Mac Weldon dot feather.com that's right and listen you get listen one of the fucking pairs is too drenched in pussy blood and you don't really like it yeah it's got silver eye on silver lot the silver line and guess what you can keep it and they'll be fucking fun. You're messing up the read here dude. You're kind of on point. I was saying stuff that they like about Indian people. Yeah. They wanted him to say that you know I don't have the ability. You're not free sound this. Yeah. No. Nick is no part of this show is is is improv. Yeah. No actually hours at home practicing

your rent every practicing my rants in the mirror. You know. Yeah. We rehearsed three hours before every time. I put my back to the back to the air and I talked my head between my knees and I stared directly into my asshole and I say things like what if instead of Jim Croce it's Jim. And then I just Ho Chi Min. Jim Ho Chi Min. Jim Ho Chi Min. And then I just spray shit all over my face. And you know what it wouldn't work if I was wearing Mac Weldon underwear and there's silver line. That's right. And that's why microbial underwear and shirts that suck all your stink off of you so you don't have to

wash them I guess. You never have to shower. You never have to shower and never have to wash your clothes and if you don't like them you can call them up and complain and they'll refund you. You know they'll give you your fucking money back and you can keep the underwear. They probably don't want them back because you've so much shit in them. That makes sense that they wouldn't want the underwear back. Yeah. It seems like they're just being nice guys but honestly if you want. Yeah. Yeah. You're like great. Thanks for. No there's a certain type of guy that wants that job. There's a certain type of person that there's

kind of a waiting list. We're pleased to announce Adam's new job. The men's underwear is different. Go to macweldon.com and use promo code COMTOWN capital C-U-M-T-O-W-N those space all one word to receive some kind of discount. In your 20 or 25 percent. I can't remember for sure. In that range. But it's pretty significant because those underwear are hella expensive. Let me tell you. No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop. Read over, read over everyone. Please go to macweldon.com. Some of the most expensive. No, no, no. Shut up. They're the underwear of Kings and Shaw's. That's right. If you're like me and you're

used to just buying underwear a dollar general. Yeah. I used to get all my clothes at dollar general. I had a beer where it was just like, yeah, why don't you just go shop at dollar general. I love that. Get pajama pants. Get fucking $35 on it all the time. Stewie with the middle finger. I used to get when I first moved, I would get my underwear at the fucking, there's like a discount store in Queens where all the like fucked up clothing they just sell it. No, it's called a phallus. Phallus Co. Yep. I don't remember what the fuck was D three or some shit. Oh yeah. D three. Yeah. Yeah. Or D two. D squared. D square maybe. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, and the underwear was just the ball like the cock

section was so long. It was just like, yeah, they have like the inseam was so fucking low. It looked like just fucking baggy ass. Fuck it. I don't know. It's like you're wearing a big ass diaper basically. Great deals. Great deals. Plenty of not room. But not as good as McWaldin. Do you guys, I can't believe it took us so long to bring it up, but of course we got to talk about the VMAs. I know we all watched them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well clearly you think VMA stands for. When did the, what is the vagina model? I was just going to say that a couple of bitches on stage to call a couple of who was yeah fucked up. My street is all retorted down. Yeah, I got my, I got my fucking contract. I already did

that. I already did that. I don't know if I stole it from somebody, but the Leno vagina monologues. Have you seen about that? The clip? What is this thing? Like a little button. When did that start? Was it just like women? I think it was like a 90s thing. That seems pretty. I'm wrong. That seems like a 90s thing. Yeah. You know, when I first started right before I thought I did a joke about an old men's vagina monologues, but I think that joke has been maybe done 50,000 times. Maybe. I don't know. And I think it has been done also like a gay men's hell. Yeah, vagina monologue actually barred college or something. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure it's, I'm sure it's happened. Damn. I guess there's someone that never

see pussies in their lives. No, no, those guys all like just like closed. Well, maybe they don't see it because their eyes are closed so hard, but there are people that have never seen a puss like, you know what I mean? They're straight men that have never seen. Yeah, that's it works. That is worse. Um, you know what we're talking about? Do you think there are gay guys that like sniff underwear? That seems horrible. Straight guys would do that too. But they sniff women's underwear because they want to smoke pussies. I told you guys there was that Dan Savage, uh, call in that I heard one time where the guy was like, Dan, uh, I was just wondering every time I go down on my boyfriend and I smell his asshole, I

get a little bit high from the shit smell. And I just want to know, is that like a thing? Do guys do that to get high? My man just loves ass that much. And Savage is like, no, no, not at all. He's like, that's disgusting. That's fucking gross. My man just has a shit fetish probably. Yeah. Um, you want to talk about a friend of the show, uh, the 95 year old Nazi that just got deported. Oh yeah. Dude, where am I going to have schnitzel on Sundays? Yeah. That's like one of those like went like the cops will like murder like 15 black kids. And then there's like a video out of like, you know, Hattiesburg. Look at this sergeant doing a name, a name with an infant black. We found

a black at a black seed and one of our officers did a gang sign at it to prove that officers are not racist or even service service weapon went off three times during the day, but it had nothing to do with it. Or even when like a white guy gets killed at a traffic stop and they're like, see, we do it. Yeah. Yeah. No, it was so funny. Nick and I were watching the video of, uh, like the local news video of them like wheeling out that corpse of that Nazi was like just clearly like five minutes away from dying. It's like this big victory. They took it right. But some guy in the local news, like you just hear about the in the background being like, sir, are you a Nazi? Yeah. It's just like this. Like fuck the Jews.

No, no. If you're going to do it, go out and speak or couldn't like communicate or anything. But if I was him, I'd be throwing up middle fingers. I'd be hell. I've been to Highland. We're getting deported anyway. Who cares? Go out like a fucking G. No, that guy clearly had no control of his bot. Maybe he was a vegetable. Yeah, they were literally just like sending a great if they were really not. He was like, hell, yes, I did it. And I do it again. I love the Holocaust. I love doing the Holocaust. You ain't gonna make me apologize. Baby, you ain't my real dad. Ain't no such thing as halfway cross. That's how Queens do it. Queens get live, baby. Queens Bridge in the motherfucking house. QBO.

He's just rapping. This is black guys. You have to be like, man, he's right. He right. You know, he's he's represented on the Holocaust, but he made Queens look good. That's how Queens used to be. Harvard and Nazis and shit. That's like that. That's the last sign that Queens has been gentrified is that they're getting rid of the Nazi war criminals. Damn, I used to remember what the neighborhood was. That juice shop used to be a guy that poured boiling water on twins brains into cow. Now it's a motherfucking robex. These hipsters are changed on neighborhood. God damn it. It is hilarious that he ended up in Queens. It's pretty fucking yeah. It's like a pretty diverse neighborhood, you know, Queens is super diverse. Yeah, you

got Nazis, Nazis, a lot of Pakistani, a lot of hookas, Dominican and Arab style. Dominicans love hookah. Oh yeah, hookah. Every everyone that's beige colored, I feel like loves hookahs no matter where you from, you know, Drake probably loves hookah. Drake still loves hookah. Yeah, he still takes hookah selfies, which is so embarrassed being beige, dude. That's what it is. I guess. Drinks got that's got what do you think's got the best if he could be one guy drinks got a pretty good life even after that gigantic L he took like it's like literally 30 seconds later people were like, Oh, yo, yeah, he went viral challenge. Yeah. No one gave a fuck about that. I know. Also like what was the big deal of that? That he

had a kid? I mean, it's pretty funny. Yeah. Okay, fine. He's lying about having a kid. Okay. It's pretty funny. It's not like and now the kids gone like we haven't heard about it at all. Drake had a secret child. He wasn't lying. He never said I don't have a kid. He just didn't say I have a kid. Yeah, I guess. Whatever, man. He got the fuck Rihanna, even though he fucked it up. That's a pretty cool. The one that got away. There's no cooler. The one that got away than Rihanna. I know. LeBron fucked Rihanna. Yeah, Rihanna loves LeBron. Actually you know LeBron's the best guy probably. He's the coolest guy to be. I don't understand how people have that got away situations. What do you mean? Like, you know, the people

who get that in their head. Oh, yeah. It's a narcissistic like impulse to be like, oh, yeah, I could have had. No, how you can't frame a thing where it's like, oh, it didn't work out. Obviously for some reason. Oh, if I had just done this differently. Yeah. Yeah. I'm definitely a regretting ass motherfucker. I always I always think about your dad. Your dad was saying that girl 1981 cop don't twice. Yeah, but thinking about her a lot. My dad was like, he had to go to therapy because I feel bad because he couldn't stop thinking about some woman from 30 years. Damn. Well, that's what it is. If you just, you know, I think that's the whole thing is it's also a marker of like a certain stage in your life

where you're like thinking about your life in those terms. Yeah, well, he said he's like, you know, he's like, I was just having a midlife crisis. It's like, yeah, 70 years. Yeah. Yeah. You're having a right at the end of your life. Make it 140. I don't know. I think about you. I mean, I feel like I've I always regret everything. I've never. I mean, the only reason I don't have a one that got away because I feel like I all of them got away. Well, yeah, I just have fucked up every relationship because they were too fast. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was too fast. I can't get over that. It's disgusting. I can't believe how. No, they've all been dying pieces. Thank you very much. Yeah. I'm the fat one in the know. I have like the opposite

thing where it's like everyone I've dated as soon as I get like a year away. I mean, most of the time it's like just like a month or so. Yeah, you get like a year out. It's like, what the fuck? Oh, that happens. Yeah. I guess, I don't know. I'd like to be I feel like I'm finally mature enough to be like legitimate friends with X's. There was one the first one I would like we would call each other after every breakup. But then after a while, I was like, you know, within five minutes and talking to each other on the phone. Like, oh, yeah, I'm still friends with like almost everyone I've dated. We're like still I can't do that. Yeah. But yeah, it's like, I mean, never would I like smash again? Yeah.

I want to I mean, maybe smash but not like, yeah, never date date again. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's like once you go through the breakup, like all like you that's really the most vulnerable part of a relationship is like that's when people really see because that's you and you're worse. Right. Right. Right. For sure. If somebody like breaks up with you. Oh, I hate that. I hate that someone has seen me just yeah, well, you know, crying in my car all the times I cheated on you and fucking know about it. Take that. Yeah. Right. Yeah. If they get over that and they're like, yeah, you know, people have flaws or whatever. It's kind of like it's almost a better relationship to be like broken up with somebody than to even

be with them. Yeah, I'm really scared that there are just some psycho emails I've sent out there. Dude, there is nothing there's a better than that like and they're not going away. I mean, there is nothing more pathetic than that email after they've shot. You always have that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're like always that fucking dirt. I just want it. Just want you to know a couple of things. I don't leave you alone. Breakdown. I don't know better than to do that. Why you're a bitch. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna wear like type them up in Microsoft Word and it's like wait 30 minutes, read it back to yourself, realize how fucking psycho looks and then delete it. When I got fired from that job that I got

at Vox, I was just drafting like psychotic like manifestos and then like reading them and then like, all right, I think the first paragraph needs to be sent to the switch with the fourth paragraph. Oh, yeah, I would edit them and everything. Yeah, just psycho shit. I sent about half of them. So half of them. A lot of them. Yeah, or probably. But I sent a couple dudes. God, I want to kill myself. Yeah, they're so embarrassing. They're so bad. We should read one of them. No, absolutely not. Those die with me. Give it a gist. I mean, this is always like, this is why I'm the greatest guy you will ever date and you are a fucking psycho bitch. No, mine was always like, mine was always like that. But then

at the end, like, but also maybe if like you want to get back. Oh, yeah. I love you. Yeah. Let's give us a shot again. I can't stop remembering the good times. I'll always have them. God damn. It's just a fucking mediocre relationship. It wasn't just like smoke too much weed. Like didn't really do much. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're just sad as shit. I mean, the like, yeah, I remember the breakup. It's tough when a breakup aligns with a horrible time in your life. Sure. I mean, like when I first moved to New York, going through a breakup was just like, I mean, I double depression. You just go crazy. The best is when we met and we've both gotten just dump. Dump shit. Yes. And it was like, you know, wings and

drink. Yeah. Yeah. Nick Drunk driving me to eat 40 wings at 2am. I remember it googling who serves food and beer at 2am. Yeah. That's like the key foundation to a friendship. Yeah. A horrible moment. Yeah. I remember your lives that you shared. You hit me up. I was like going through a breakup when I moved here and you hit me up and you're like, yo, come to the city and get lunch. We got lunch. And I was just ranting at you about it. I was like, just like losing my mind and stuff. You were like, you were not listening. Yeah. I was like, he's clearly not listening, but I'm just like, I'm ranting. Yeah. And then I go home and then a couple hours later, you like upload on Facebook and do Nicole article.

And it's like, actually, the people that dump the people are the real heroes. Oh, God damn it. He was listening. Part of his brain was mining. Yeah. There was just like straight part of his brain that was like, well, you know, it's funny because it's like, obviously you can have like empathy for people and they got broken up with, but it's like the only kind of healthy emotional pain, I think is like the end of like a relationship. Oh, yeah. It's not like the grief that's attached with death. It's just something that didn't fucking work out. Right. Right. And it's something everybody goes through. And you personalize it when you're away. Yeah. When you're out of it and you just witness someone else go

through it, I guess it's like, I can be kind of envious sometimes because it's like, Oh, it'd be nice to like to feel to feel that way. I have to be justified instead of like, you feel everything's going great. Right. I want to put a gun in my mouth. Right. There's a reason to be depressed. Yeah. I know it's beyond that. But yeah, no, it's like, it's sort of like palate cleanse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can kind of your life just sort of snakes around. But you feel at that moment, you feel like this is the worst any human being on earth has ever felt. No, there's something weird about it. Even when I'm in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's like, Oh, yeah, this is like, and then you realize everyone

goes through it. You're not special at all. There's nothing there's nothing to be weak about what's going on. It adds like the right kind of like emotional depth to your life that it's in a weird way. It's kind of like, Oh, this makes everything worth it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. And then you get out of it and then you're just bored. Yeah. And you still want to kill yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Then you're like, Hmm, what other woman's life will I be ruining? Yeah. And then she ruins my life. They just waste six months. Yeah. Yeah. They don't care at all. Yeah. It's probably pretty funny. That's always probably look back like, huh, wasn't that hilarious? One that got away from

somebody that she actually likes. And then they like laugh in bed about like how fat you were. Well, you know, I don't know about your dick. Yeah, I was, you know, I always persevered. Yeah, they're like, what a loser. I don't know what I was thinking. Yeah, that's pretty funny. No women I've dated have done that. No, absolutely. No chance. Look at this gay Instagram account he's got going on. They all they all fucked the vision. Absolutely not. You're both gay. And actually, it's yours. Your ex girlfriends do that about you. Actually, yeah. My girlfriend's in bed with somebody and they're like, Yeah, and he had this like, just disgusting. No, not his friend. No, that's not what they do. Have his finger

in my hands. Stop said the funniest thing about Muslims. All right, well, that's a podcast for today. Yep. Oh, let's plug some shit. Please guys. So we're adding a show in Boston. We're adding a 6pm, adding a 6pm stand up show. And if that sells out to we might even add a late show. So, um, so please come see us Cleveland that has not sold out yet. Please sell that motherfucker out Cleveland on the second and on the third we're in Boston, please like a 6pm and 6pm stand up show and an 8pm live pod and we might add a late one if those sell out to I will be in Cleveland or in Connecticut at the Fairfield Comedy Club on Friday, the 7th of September. Oh, and tomorrow, the 23rd, I'm in DC, the overachiever show at the comedy

loft. Please buy tickets to that. If you miss my melody and V dates, funny moms on the 27th please come out to that. And then I'm also in New Orleans and Lafayette on the 14th and 15th and Chicago, the 21st and 22nd. Guys, please keep buying tickets. Those were adding a third show in Chicago. I'd like to add a fourth one and really sell the mother fuck out. We're doing Lincoln Lodge Lincoln Lodge up or no, no, no. Yes, Lincoln Lodge. And then on the 23rd, I'm in Detroit at something called Ant Hill or some bullshit. I don't know. Just check it out. It's on my fucking website. Stavi.biz. Thank you very much. So yeah, come out to see us at all those dates. But more importantly, right now, like I said, Cleveland on the 2nd

Boston on the 3rd, the Cleveland Boston tour. All right, that should do it for us gang. Right. Right.