The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 119 – Brendan Gayer

Episode Date: September 6, 2018

brendan eyre (a white man who is good at stand up) joins us and we figure out his name. I think its pronounced like Gayer. he also has a podcast with two guys i also think should be making more money

Recording we're off. We're going we just had a really good rift that we missed cuz Adam was doing the levels and he didn't press record everyone No one told me to press record that you don't have the killer instinct to do levels man. Yeah unlike me So here we are everyone is the Wednesday episode. Mm-hmm. Okay Wednesday ep we got Nick hasn't spoken yet, but he is here We have a special guest. He's looking at his phone. I have a set of timer and we have our good buddy Brandon air Yeah, man. He's worried about saying your last ever everyone worries about it. You know what the problem is tricky man one syllable Yeah, I want to say irie. Well, that's the problem. Here's the thing man

You know you used to get it because they used to make people read like an alien air The decline of the west of Western civilization. Well, see one other person has asked me that in history Yeah, and that person was also an idiot glass It's a fictional character We are not Any relation to Jane's addiction that is my aunt yeah, what about air bud air bud air bud Air bud is my Twitter handle, which I thought was so clever. No one can spell my fucking name. So it doesn't matter

There's no they're like good. You know, it's gonna get into the air and space Museum. I do I have a lifetime membership just anything involving air. It's a free museum Air Jordan. You know So funny about your tour handle. I swear to God like I know how to say your name and I read your Twitter handle I read bud. That's the thing. I was so proud when I thought of it like listen is and I don't even like puns Like if I hear a comedian do a pun. I'm like what a piece of shit, but it was the only pun I ever thought of so I'm like, this is great. Nobody's ever got it. Not one person has ever been like air bud That's pretty good. You had to literally explain to me right now. I got it immediately Yeah, and and hey, I'm showing off

We get it you love wordplay dude. Yeah, I don't even love it Well, I will say I never have listened to come town I love all you guys, but I've never listened because I don't really listen to comedy pot Yeah, I don't could we do it and it's like I don't care if you listen I listened to the last episode on the way over here and I was sitting in my car like stop What the fuck man? You don't know what a mobius dick is It's the formula for the show is he doesn't know anything. Yeah, we don't really know anything either It's a kind of like an eight, but 3d. I've been thinking about it more eight. Yeah, it's 3d the right

You know what I mean? This is what it is and Nick was I heard Infinity making it out of I heard him making it out of cardboard on the episode. It's a strip It's a circular strip, but there's a twist in it. So I need but 3d. That's what I mean I guess that's right. Yeah, I guess that's right Yeah, a mobius strip is like an s with three lines and three super s. Okay, let's do see I love it a 3d s Yeah, or 3d 8. All right, so now that we got that under our belts We can move on with the next topic of conversation Which is?

Do you guys see Bill Clinton checking out ariana grande at Aretha Franklin's funeral? That's what I have to bring to the table. No, he was horny for her. Nope. See that didn't see it Brendan I don't know. I'm horny for everything man. Yeah, I saw in the coffee shop where I write Uh-huh, I didn't I'm only saying this because I don't know anything about area Let's jump into just being horny in general. Yeah, man fucking so this Get a little gay guy comes in Just ask you real quick. Yeah, you say you're writing a coffee shop. Yeah, I mean stand up Yes, do you ever worry that people think you're writing poetry?

Yeah Well, I here's the thing I write because I'm in Park Slope now I write and there's a woman there writing poetry. Oh, and she will like give me these looks like we're on the same level Yeah, and I'm like we're both we're both people shit. Yeah. Yeah, I'm like, we're not lady We're not on the same level. I don't know what you're doing, you know, and it's a little embarrassing Yeah, but I can't write at home because if I'm at home, I'll just like do stuff Yeah, I can't do the coffee shop, especially like because then you just stare at girls. Yeah, well, that's what I do Or a little gay guy, but in between in between. All right. Well, but here's the thing man. Yeah. So this little gay guy

Comes in well Nick you want coffee shop. What are you trying to go after me because I said you couldn't read No, what you save that shit for him? Don't ever fucking come out. Yeah gay guy bullshit Yeah, Nick dish it, but he can't take it. Yes. No, it's not true. First of all, well, don't even try with no Oh, Nick's Nick's on edge Nick's on I can 100% take it. I Adam's whole career is taking it. I can take a punch I Through People insulting me it probably I deserved it most of the time. I'm sorry if you lost some masses that why you calling you No, he's doing two days. No, no, no, I just don't understand where you're coming at me. I think you're still upset. Yeah

Lifting or yeah, well only because my schedule was fucked up. Okay. Normally. I just do like five days. Yeah, you're good Oh, thanks, man. You're good at food poisoning this week. So that's a good way to get slimmed down I threw up about nine pounds of water weight at jujitsu yesterday. Yeah, I need it. I need I really Yeah, yeah, I'm a white belt, so don't No, no, I've been a white belt for two and a half years You fight kids like Kramer style. No, no, I fight. I mainly fight my friend Augie Lutz Uh-huh. He also a white. He also a white belt. Yeah, I we both feel like we're on the verge of blue But hard to say we train with our trainer is the same guy trained Lewis to fight Ryan O'Neill

Oh, nice. Oh, yeah, Diego. He's a comedian. Yeah, he's a good. He's a good fighter, but Dan, where's that Williamsburg in it's in Greenpoint, but it's called Williamsburg MMA. Okay. It's fun, man I really like it. I really like it. I want to do MMA dude. Yeah, dude. Go to Diego. He's great Okay, he's great. I think you should avoid physical Strong comeback trail a couple years. I'll probably be ready in four or five years Oh, you might be post activity at this point. Maybe dude, honestly I'm gonna get those little belts that they had like they like Told women like the thirties if you just have those little belts on your love handles that go like, yeah, oh, the shakey

Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna get that dude or just just get one for you and eldest Play Mario tennis I thought this cute girl was like kind of like eyeing me on the street I wish I don't know why I would think that yeah, but really she was giving me a a laser fat loss Like to imagine laser laser fat loss is just they pay a guy to follow you around the city from like 50 feet away And he just points It's just always a dot on your kid. What the fuck is a constantly aware of this gross sweaty kid

You read for like a sandwich Tell us about this guy guy that looks like Okay, he's got these tight like little tight flimsy shorts on his dick is like eight and a half inches Little guy huge did I could not I could not look like what the fuck dude, you know like I wanted to be like nice Dick also, there's a laser pointer. I guess I lost my tips. He's like, oh, sorry. I was busy And like I'm at the age I guess we're like I'm not gay, but like a huge dick like horns me up Because I'm like that guy's fucking somebody with that dick and then I'm like well

I'm thinking of fucking now. Yes, and so then he's standing there and then this beautiful woman It's a very thin coffee shop. She walks out of the bathroom skirt accidentally tucked into a thong Incredible, and I'm just sitting there like this is a you want to match them to get you want to watch them fuck Yeah, yeah, well, I want everyone sexed up in here. This is too much I got to go home and jerk off you got to pull your dick. Yeah off at the coffee shop that you should I I thought of a like a Area like a zone in a city Where you can just jack off But the problem would be it would just be dudes in there, you know what I mean, but it would be like I would train for men

Yeah, it would quickly just devolve into homeless men having gay sex Yeah, yeah, just hobos fucking it's like this isn't my dream. This isn't what I had in my Fuck You could be a poet. I mean, I don't don't think it's wrong. We'll be like a cool Now you got a little gray going you got the beard, you know what I mean salt and pepper Yeah, an author you kind of look like a like are you happy that happened instead of bald? Well, here's a thing man. Let me stop you right there. Yes, you are no I hope but hold on I was I was but I was having lunch with my friend Andrew Collin and

We were talking about something and I go man. Hey, man, at least we both got a full head of hair And he looks at me like like he gives me this crazy look. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about man? I got a whole full head of hair and he was like, all right. If you say you got a full head What the fuck are you talking about? He goes bend over and he takes a picture of the crown of my head. I'm going bald, man No, yeah, I didn't know it. I'm 36. You're fine. Yeah, right? I'm all right. Your hair is where your hair should be Yeah, it looks good. Don't listen to Andrew. Yeah By 36 everyone's gonna have some kind of crown. I mean not everybody but Like there's the guys that keep all their hair look fucking weird like John Kasich has like little boy hair. Yeah

Yeah, that's something's weird. Yeah, it looks weird. You both have good hair though. You do you guys have great hair We're like just around 30. Yeah, my hair will probably thin out. How are you just around 30? You've been doing stand-up for thirty-seven years Like I'll talk to guys on the road. They're like, oh Nick Mullen. Yeah, I remember a show I did with him in 89 Yeah, I've been in the entertainment industry long enough that I know that you used to just lie about your age Right, so you just keep doing that forever. I'm 47 I've only this year started lying about my age and by accident Yeah, cuz I just like you get into your mid 30s. You forget you see you forget so like people ask me I'm like I'm 34. Yeah, and it's like I'm 36, but it's like what yeah time

Just goes faster and yeah, I just think I'm 27. I'm 29. Yeah, no reason I talked to my dad on the phone and you see the most like depressing shit because he's like 70 ish now and he's like He's like, you know, it's weird. I think back on my life and it's like, you know, like four or five Like moments or something and then it's like boop. That's oh, I guess I'm just gonna die He's like, you know, 10 15 20 years just you know, I'm like Most of them are like not getting pussy Getting into a disputed aims over

Trying to do a return and having the police called on and then being able to prove that he only had three beers So he's allowed to go. He's allowed to go That's so funny, but it's it's true man, because if I like look back on my life, like okay encapsulate my life It's like, I don't know. I had one breakup that was important. Yeah, I Went to school once like there's not a lot there There's not a lot of comedy. It's like, oh most of my life is at shitty bars. Yeah, horrible shows, right Yeah, most of my life is yeah doing. Yeah, and then getting high and then like just wasting days. Yeah, which is actually pretty fun Honestly, it's a good life. Yeah, it's not bad. It's a good life

I'm sad that like now I'm starting to realize like now I've realized I am gonna die So I'm like, oh, I guess I should do something like now I can't do it with the freedom that I used to just like now when you say you realize you're gonna die Do you mean like an existential sort of way or do you mean that your death is imminent because of your physical medically? It feels yeah, my body's sending me signals that it's like look Get your affairs in order. You don't mean you're gonna die some day. You mean though. I mean the next six seven months I don't know not six seven, but eight. You know, I feel like I got a good decade in me. You know what I mean No, no, this is ridiculous

No, it's funny because it's like I used to live with Chris Cubis and I was 20 and he was 30 So he was like your age, okay, and he was like always about all this like I got ten years left bullshit And like laughing it up We'd be drink together until like, you know, five o'clock in the morning and then When it became like I got five years left. He's like, oh shit It takes care of himself now. I mean he got like a girlfriend that doesn't let him like do that shit Right. I'm assuming you have like a stomach parasite though. Oh, yeah, we had like ulcers. He's like lost a hundred pounds Cuz I remember he had start eating bugs

You have to eat like like chicken livers and rice or whatever because of his all you to be on some ulcer diet I remember he lost a bunch of weight and everyone's like Chris you look good. And it's like, you know, he's not doing anything dying Bro, I would pay good money for a tape you get a tape. You can just go that you eat Indian girls diarrhea Yeah, no, I'm serious. This is a thing in India. They get like harvest no worms from Indian girls. Really? I think I was Indian girl in college who like freshman year wore like a hijab and then she like took it off let her freak flag fly So I'm doing like Molly and raiding. Yeah, and we had like a dinner party one night And it was like, oh, this is our first like adult dinner party, but we're all like 19 or whatever We're all like tending. Yeah. Yeah. You were a sweater. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Somebody made risotto Like roving lettuce like lazily cut like Italian dressing on it and then she like the middle of the dinner party went to the bathroom and My friend Dennis went in after she and she went for like 15 20 minutes My friend Dennis went in after and he just walked out immediately and his eyes are watering He's like, dude. I can't explain what's going on in there right now. Oh It can't be that bad and I was like, I need to piss it can't be that bad and I went in and I was like Jesus Christ. This is like this is the Holocaust in the smell. It was like the worst thing

And literally I switch the Holocaust probably smelled pretty fucking bad I had to have but um and I feel really bad about this in retrospect, but you're like, I took a big shit No, no, no, no, no, you just went out in brown Wearing her shit on your face guess who are you? She took a dump so bad that everyone stopped hanging out with her Everyone like cut her out of our lives. It was like it was actually it was the worst smell I've ever smelled That feels so bad, but like no one wanted to hang with her anymore She shit her way out of a friend group

It's one of those like smells that's like a returning smell like you get it for like a year. It's like Somewhere like the particles are in your nostrils. It was like it was do you have any kind of can you I don't know what was going on. Are we talking rotten eggs? Are we talking like it was like the smell was three-dimensional It was like it went into your body and like yeah, everyone's eyes started like watering and crying Into your eyes it would enter like any every single like it felt like it was like enveloping you and like Choking you I also like it smelled like a like a vietnam veterans cast

That he got that he got in vietnam and it's 2018. Yeah. Yeah, like a like a civil war medical tent. Yeah Here's what I like I liked the preamble to the story because I thought it was gonna have more to do with the story When you were like she had a hijab But then she lost it. She got crazy. She was going to rapes and I'm like, oh, this is gonna be great Maybe that's like where the hijab came from in that culture Some women were just taking these awful shits and they're like we got to do something about this I feel really they go into the bathroom an hour and 45 minute long process to discourage them from doing so do you think do you think uh

Do you think I've been thinking about this uh because I like to read like The historical novels kind of did everyone's pussy smell terrible until like still Everything's everything's smell and everyone was on circumcised. You know how gnarly those forced just everything was probably Up right you took a bath every three years. Yeah, man. Like it was like. Yeah bath was a luxury. There was no toilet paper Jesus yeah, people use their hands and leaves and I'm pretty sure in europe people just straight up like

Perfumed and shit. Like they didn't even take bath. Hell yeah Homer Simpson style The egyptians had perfume too. Nice. How does it go way back old timey prostitute like say you're in the Any old time really a frontier bitch. Say you're in the frontier. No you're in a saloon. Yeah, how were they not getting pregnant all the time? Yeah, I don't get that. They probably had ways to like do abortions. Yeah, but you can't just rely on like an abortion every week You know what I mean? Yeah, you could die. You're doing like if you're fucking like I don't know 40 dudes a week Yeah, like you're gonna get pregnant almost every week. It's funny. I remember on it was like guns germs and steel

They were like and now for the germs episode frontier pussy like different types of uh, you know like, uh, uh Street walker versus like the maddam, you know, the whole spectrum Had shit. Yeah. Yeah, they had like prophylactics or whatever. Oh, yeah, she's she's flatters Yeah, it's so they had weird condoms and shit, but also jimmy has also. I feel like I mean They probably life expectancy present probably wasn't great of a fucking old west whore, you know Like they probably got diseases and shit and worst case scenario. It's just like all right Well, you're not gonna be a whore anymore. We're gonna find a new one or so or maybe your price just drops down

Well, that was like what was that movie unforgiven where the the whore like got her face cut up And she had to like Become the girl who swept the hallway And it was like she's still fucking hotter. Yeah. She's just got cuts on her face. Like you could charge extra for that Yeah, it's an experience an immersive experience. We'll give you a knife We'll put blood fake blood on her and you can pretend you cut her up and then you get the fucker I want to fuck the joker I want to fuck the joker girl

Let me fuck the nurse joker Oh, yeah, this is written as harvey dent There's a really funny gift I saw online of um harvey dent in the hospital bed when like half his face is burned off And nurse joker walks in and uh, he's like, oh, yeah wearing the mask He takes the mask off and harvey dent is like, holy shit. It's the joker But he couldn't tell like before he did it's so clear that it's the joker Yeah, he couldn't tell like until he took the mask off. It's very funny. Yeah It's some shit. They just didn't think of when they wrote the thing. It's like, he'd know it was the joker. Obviously

It's the fucking joker's green hair Clearly the joker. Yeah, like they see two-faced and they're like, is that two-faced or like hold on one Two I think it is Komish, I think we got two-faced here. I don't know the math really adds up here So funny god damn Oh damn you go you write you write I feel like I haven't been writing at all dude

I've just been in my home bedding on things maybe yeah, I've been bedding so much My gambling problems gotten really bad. Yeah gamble. Are you a gambler? Yeah, I'm a big gambler and what's great is that there's a really uh, good reliable site That you can gamble on. Do they have an app? They do have an app actually. Yeah, wait, what's the name of the website first? It's betdsi.com. It's probably important that you say that part. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I gamble almost completely exclusively on betdsi.com No, I don't know the read and they have to do it. Even better. Keep doing it. Let's gamble on stav knowing. Come on stav, what parts of the copy are you supposed to do? Let's do this stav betdsi read 100% and Brendan here's the thing man, what's great about it is that they have an easy to use mobile app You know most sites don't have that kind of shit, but I'm always on my phone gambling, you know what I mean? Sure. I'm out there getting wild west pussy

Yeah, I'm not near laptop so that's a gamble and I gamble on whether I get some kind of weird gonorrhea or not. They pay out winners I'll tell you that much pal. That's what I look for in a gambling site, the basic tenants of gambling They have, who, like I said, live in game wagering, so you know You didn't say that but Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so sometimes you make a bet and you're losing at halftime and you're like let me hedge, let me get it on the back end So I like to do that quite a nice amount and you know, Nick, do you ever use betdsi.com? No, I don't. I find gambling to be immoral If you're gonna do it, if you're gonna break God's laws, I would recommend doing it at betdsi.com

So last week's fact, most of the people who, if you use betdsi.com, I guarantee you the Catholic Church will grant you a, what's it called? Oh yeah, yeah, I don't know, fuck Oh, where do you buy the indulgence? You'll get an indulgence Only website where indulgences are guaranteed by the Catholic Church That's right I will say this and I don't want to interrupt your read There's no read, we're just talking about sites where I've never met a man betting on football who wasn't an Irish cat Literally, never, not a single one

You didn't know enough to generate Greek pieces of trash in my neighborhood Plenty of fucking Greek marriages have ended over people betting too much on the Ravens They only bet on their favorite teams Dude, all my friends would just bet on their favorite teams like you go bankrupt Yeah, yeah, yeah People in Cleveland bet on the Browns And it's like, guys, they've never, they never have won They've never won one

They're one, we're one in 31 What are you doing? It's like, oh, I gotta bet the favorite I got a feeling Anyways, if you go to betdsi.com and use promo code COM120, that's capital C, lowercase UM120, they'll match your deposit 120% bonus If you win it in $100, you get $220 to gamble with, check it out Nice You have any picks?

Well, how did that Seat Seat Pass work out? He may have lost, he may have lost immediately after I said they'd taken for the whole tournament But, you know, we're gonna go, the good money? Serena, bet on Serena, baby She's back, she's got, they don't let her, she's got a tutu She's not allowed to wear clothes anymore She's gonna have titties out We're gonna see Oakland That's a new rule

Grasgurt Grasgurt, so that's who I'm betting on, is Serena Williams for the open and then Coming up next week, we're gonna, I mean soon, we're gonna have real football picks, so that'll actually be fun Yeah But yes, COM120, my favorite website, betdsi, that's just me and you talking, Brandon Yeah, that's not a read, that's just Brandon in on a secret That's just two heavy gamblers talking it out So the big

The first year I became a full-time stand-up, I had no idea, which I clearly should have had an idea But I had no idea that nobody was taking taxes out for me Oh, that sucks So no idea whatsoever, and that's on me, you gotta be on top of that You should assume So tax time came, I owed $8,000, I wasn't making that much, so like I owed $8,000, which isn't crazy Yeah, until you learn how to do like a schedule C and knock all that fucking money down Yeah

It's like, it's so daunting, it really is, this idea that you can fuck up, make $20,000 to barely live off of Right And then the federal government's like, oh, we need a government $30,000 We need a $7,000 of that, and the state needs an additional $3,000 So I owed $8,000, and I went, I was home in Cleveland at the time, I took $200, I went to the horseshoe casino Hell, yes And I was like, this is my only chance, man This is the only way

And I won fucking $6,700 playing Black Tech Oh yeah My man's got a system And you owe taxes on all those gambling money Yeah, no, no, no, I think because if it's not up to $10,000, they don't report it Oh, really? Yeah, if you withdraw money from a casino, they have to report above $10,000 So yeah, I do technically owe taxes on it

But the fact that they don't report anyone And you paid those, remember? It's fine Yeah, I did, I paid those, yeah, because I do know a lot of IRS guys listen to come now Oh, they're on our asses Yeah, yeah, actually a couple That's insane I would be surprised if the FBI hasn't listened to at least an episode of this show

Someone at the FBI, yeah I suspect them of having sort of, and I'm always over the top with what I think their capabilities are I've personally been under investigation and so has Jake Flores Yeah And it was like around the time Jake was on the show, so I would not be surprised I suspect them of having like auto listeners on almost every podcast that comes out like searching for keywords and shit That's what I would expect, like I could be wrong, but yeah, yeah, get our numbers out Yeah, good job

You already said a good job I read a great article recently about, and I totally believed it, and I'm not a conspiracy guy A rigged witch hunt But it was about how Osama bin Laden was a prisoner in Pakistan under house arrest Oh yeah And it explained a lot where they were like, yeah, why was he just in this house in Pakistan? It doesn't make sense Because Pakistan doesn't give a shit

Yeah, the idea was Pakistan was holding on to him to use him as a bargaining chip with the US, waiting for the time to be right That's why when we went in, there was no guards, there was no guns, there was no opposition, it was just him in a fucking room Wait, so the United States is in collusion with Pakistan? No, so what happened was Pakistan was holding him Yeah, they're holding him, yeah As a bargaining chip But then a guy, because he was under arrest But there were guns

There weren't, no No, I mean he had a gun No, that was all, in this article at least, that was all a lot You're saying article, do you mean just blog that you read? No, it was I love the way that conspiracy theorists work is like, look, this all fits the facts except for a couple of people who are going to call lies Well, no A couple of details are going to change, but then it works

But I'm not a big conspiracy theorist guy, this was by a, forget the guy's name, he broke the MyLine Jesse Ventura He broke the MyLine massacre story in Vietnam Oh shit So he's credible, but also a little shaky, like he's fucked up a few times So it's hard to say, like he's done some pretty credible stories, but also has lied sometimes Yeah So it's hard to say

So what this story is saying is there were no guns, there was no opposition The plan was to kill him, take him to a mountainous region in between Pakistan and Afghanistan And say we killed him there But then one of the helicopters crashed and changed everything Oh shit So it became an issue of them like That whole operation was so funny, like the way there were like 10 helicopters that crashed was like they just dumped him in the ocean Yeah, they landed like so far away from the compound

It was like a complete mess No, it was a mess Yeah, of an operation It was a mess Well was it a bot-a-bot? Also, that was like a military barracks Yeah, well it's their west point basically Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

That's part of the theory as to why they had him under house arrest That sort of sounds kind of plausible to me Pakistan definitely like was like talking about Osama, like they definitely knew Osama Well Pakistan's position was to back the Taliban like leading up to 9-11 and the United States just followed in lockstep Because like we're like allied with Pakistan or whatever But I mean I have no fucking idea Yeah, yeah, yeah Like what I think I know is that Pakistan needs Afghanistan to always like whoever's in charge in Afghanistan needs to either be in control by Pakistan

Or subject to their will to a certain extent because they can't be flanked by somebody Right Is allied with India Yeah, exactly So like Pakistan just blindly propped up the Taliban and the Taliban was like harboring and hoping train al-Qaeda like leading up to 9-11 Right And then after that like you know the United States like oh well we have this war on al-Qaeda and by extension the Taliban and Pakistan Oh, yeah, sure, we'll help you

Because on top of that we were dumping a ton of money into Pakistan Yeah So they needed to be like Yes, there was plenty of like private military contracts and shit that necessitated like a foreign policy that was you know appeasing whatever Pakistan wanted to do But there was like was it the battle of Torah Bora or whatever there was something where in the first couple of months in the war in Afghanistan like they only sent in like special forces basically Right And they like surgically removed most of like al-Qaeda Well they had Osama bin Laden at Torah Bora within ISK

And well also I think it was at Torah Bora like Pakistan they like negotiated to have a couple of like Pakistani agents that were working with the Taliban removed from like you know Torah Bora Prior to whatever invasion and then Pakistan just sent in and like took out thousands of fighters Yeah Thousands of people they brought back The other thing that like they don't you don't hear about as much because it's considered a failure because Osama bin Laden escaped like I'm pretty sure I could be wrong but I think Speak recklessly bro Yeah I think that the battle of Torah Bora essentially like crippled al-Qaeda like we killed like a lot of fighters died

Like a lot like pretty much like everyone who was in that compound except for Osama bin Laden kind of got got Yeah pretty sure How did he escape? Also wasn't he just like it was like a comfortable ass little McMansion type place wasn't it? He had like He had porn he had like DVDs I think he had dude who was my car They say that

They say that Let's put it this way it was as nice as Anders Breviks prison Yeah Oh yeah The guy that Norwegian guy Who had PlayStation Yeah they say that but it's like it was like nice for a house in Pakistan Right

Like if you see pictures of it you'd be like I don't really want I don't want to live there You know who really is the biggest victim in Osama getting got that weekend was Seth Meyers it was the fucking correspondence dinner that he was hosting And then and and Obama was just sitting there they had already killed him Someone whispered in his ear He was just sitting there like hanging out at the correspondence they're knowing that tomorrow no one is going to give a shit about anything He should have pulled his dick out at the correspondence dinner It would have gotten buried by He could have done anything

Yeah So poor Seth dude I hope hey prayers up for Seth We hope you bounce back man That guy man I gotta say Seth Meyers right I did his show Yeah

Fucking really nice man Yeah He went out he like went out of his way to be nice It's so funny if you're like pretty sure he fucks kids Yeah I just gotta say Listen I did the show I gotta be honest I think I saw him fucking again Yeah

At the show Yeah at the show At the show At the show He was doing it at his desk and everyone was watching him and he was going just a second Yeah But the entire auditorium was filled He was under his desk

He was like we don't have anywhere to go you're right in front of him I'll be I'll just I'm just cleaning up We can see you Seth You're on television You're wearing our lives on TV I'll be out in a minute It's not that big of a desk We had a we had a meeting for my podcast the rad dude cast we had a meeting

Oh yeah listen to the rad dude cast everyone Some true some true hard dick warriors You DeVito and Stone right We had a meeting talking about the podcast And Stone is just coming off a writing gig where he's in this like super PC Like fucking you know liberal like worried about every word Writing deal Yeah

And so he's like Bill Maher So he's sitting there and we're having this meeting he goes I don't know man we've just said some crazy stuff on the podcast like I don't want it to come back And wreck our career Maybe we got to like dial it back a little bit I don't know I'm not sure I just think maybe like let's be careful

We start recording within fucking 45 seconds He's talking how turned on he is by the Thai boys stuck in the cave Greg we just had a fucking meeting And he goes I got a boner so hard it's pushing up on the bottom of my throat Breaking my teeth for these Thai boys He's the funniest dude in the world He's really funny He's insane

He's a fucking insane prick I was at some show at UCB and I guess he was on the lineup And he like comes into the green room frantic or whatever He's like who's up next is it Adam Savine And Anthony's like no it's not a name you've heard once in your life It's not even remotely close to anyone on the lineup Anyone who does comedy Who is

It's just his name He's just materialized in your head Who's that? Is it Adam Savine? From Maroon 5 Adam Devine I don't know I have no idea It's tough to tell with Greg sometimes where he's getting things from

No it's impossible you run a podcast with him And he's like we got a caller on the line And it's like you don't have a phone out man I don't know what you're talking about He's just trying to do a bit He's like looking at you guys in the eyes Like this thing you guys have never heard Fuck man

When I was listening to the come town on the way over here I was like this is perfect because you guys were talking about McCain and we had a bit, a character bit We didn't get to last rad dude cast That you guys fucking brought up And I was like this is perfect because we were going to do John McCain in heaven but he's real mad Because all the Vietnamese guys that tortured him are also in heaven

And then you guys brought that up and I was like this is fucking perfect He's like what's fucking Charlie Wynn doing here That guy broke my arm 37 times Yeah he's just fucking Marilyn Monroe This is everyone John McCain ever jacked off to as a kid Man they really, a lot of people fucked Marilyn Monroe Like it was pretty rude with like a bunch of Like Frank Sinatra and a bunch of guys

Yeah Demagia Yeah What did they do? I think they raped her Did they rape her? I mean some guy told me that Arthur Miller The president?

I think so Some guy told you Joe Demagio raped Marilyn No it was Maybe not Joe Demagio Hey buddy come here You got a minute I got to tell you something How old was this guy? It was at Yankee Stadium in center field

Middle of the game It was Sinatra and somebody else Sinatra raped Marilyn I want to hear you out on this I mean that's all I got I was just at the hotel where Kennedy used to fuck her The Carlisle hotel It is also the hotel where Woody Allen

Does his jazz performance once a week He was trying out for the band I can't play any instruments I'm really into like the ethos I really like what you guys are all about And that's jazz music baby I asked how can you see it And they said

See what? No how can you go see Woody Allen play jazz Oh I thought you meant fuckin' John F. Kennedy Smock Marilyn Oh no they have like a collection of like Tunnels and like secret passages For powerful men to have sex with women Because he had an apartment at the Carlisle when he was president

It was called the New York White House And he used to fuck her Respect So why were you at the Carlisle? Because I was like having dinner on the Upper East Side And we walked past and we walked in Because there's that like famous bar that that guy illustrated on all the balls No the Madeline

Was it Cheers? It was Norm there Was everybody knows your name? Norm Ted Danson Coach? Coach yeah But I was like how can we see Woody Allen They're like oh yeah it's like $200 a person

So basically like if you hate Woody Allen It's expensive enough to like prohibit anyone that hates Woody Allen To buy a ticket for $200 and be like You suck you pedophile You know so it's like you have to be a Woody Allen That's crazy man I feel like there's better jazz musicians Oh yeah To pay $200 to see Woody Allen play the clarinet

No you're there to see a guy in a bucket hat Jazz is only a thing you pretend to like Yeah no one actually likes jazz The only good songs are like that one Like I think David Brew What the fuck is that guy's name? Brubeck Brubeck song

David Brenner Take five That's a great song That's the only good jazz song Like that track that slaps There's that other one I like that's What's it called? That time I fucked my daughter

My daughter The Woody band original Breathing on her pussy through the panties That friend that friend we did the impression contest with my friend Eric One time when we were in college and someone was watching like Manhattan or any hall or something And he just walks in the living room the house we're living at And he sees the TV and he's just like

What the fuck are they talking about? Why are they talking so much? I don't understand why these Jews are talking so much He's like really upset about how much dialogue there was It was very funny What are they talking about? They're kind of like They're like plays

You know they're more of plays in movies It's not how people talk It's like the show Gilmore Girls No one talks like that in real life I've never seen Gilmore Girls Elders loves it It's so fast It's supposed to be a good show

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That wasn't funny, but went Especially bad in Brooklyn Where I said I'm trying to get my dick sucked By a trans woman So that I can go back to calling them trannies And, uh... That didn't work No, but everyone was very mad

No matter what you call them Even if you do get your dick sucked by them You still can't, like There's people that try that And they do that bit to the point Where they actually go get their dick sucked By trannies and they still get in trouble That's the thing, so what I...

It turned out to be, it was real And then I, lately I've been into Digging myself a big hole at the beginning of my set So then I said fuck you, you all be sorry When I'm getting my dick sucked by a tranny And that didn't go over well And then I got them back I got them all back

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It's weird to me I don't know It does sound fun Well, it's only five letters off from the N-word You can't say that That is true Only four letters If you use the N

You save the N And you could do... If you wanted to do sort of a Y Instead of an I You could try that See if that works for you Wait, there's that weird Swedish store in Times Square

That's already called that No, it's like N-Y-G-A-R-D Oh, really, Nygaard? I've spent many days waiting for an opportunity to take a picture of that song But it's Times Square There's always somebody watching you that knows exactly what you're doing

Elmo walks up to you and he's like That's a good bit, dude It's the real Elmo Great, I'm gonna fuck you up And then I'm gonna molest you Elmo thinks taking pictures of words that sound like slurs is not cool

Except I made that joke about Elmo molesting you He has been exonerated from molesting that one guy I saw Elmo getting arrested once Shout out to Keith Ellison for raping and beating his girlfriend Yo, that article pissed me off

Conservatives are so good at this Contra-trolling? Well, liberals have no way to handle it They don't know how to deal with it They have to be like Let's not jump to conclusions here No one has the spine to just be like, no, this bitch is insane

She's a fucking lying, insane bitch And they just can't do it So now, I guess Keith Ellison got if you didn't know, you got me too basically for having a messy relationship He dated this woman who's got emotional problems It didn't work out

and they broke up until she could find her in place and then she's just being a fucking layabout So he comes in the bedroom one time and she's just laying on the bed He's like, hey, could you take the trash out if you're not going to have a job or do anything She just ignored him

and I guess there's some kind of dispute where she says he pulled her off the bed Which, pull that bitch off the bed It's your fucking house She's not cleaning shit There's no relationship between them anymore At least they got the fucking garbage And then people are like, well, that's domestic

abuse, he beat her She's calling it that It's called narcissist abuse What the fuck does that mean? Psychological classification of anything It's just something that started online and they're trying to a new type of abuse

The New York Times has to be like is emotional abuse the new aspect of the Me Too movement? If you want it to be Go ahead, let it Look, I will throw as much gas on this fire as I can At this point, fuck it That's where it gets scary

It's just being a bad boyfriend with Me Too Cause then it's like Who's innocent? Can you get Me Too for cheating on someone? For not sending texts back? Yeah, Me Too for being insensitive

Damn, that's wild I mean, it's really insane But granted, the Democratic Party has not asked him to step down No, no The article did make some attempts to be kind of measured

But to be honest, it wasn't I shouldn't have been published She said that Oh, she has video of the event She didn't have to prove anything It's not a victim's responsibility to prove their claims And then she said that her email and her phone

No, I don't You should have evidence And then she claimed that she was hacked by Keith Ellison and he deleted all the evidence So basically she was just clearly Hacked by Keith Ellison?

Yeah, world famous hacker Keith Ellison Damn So Nick, do you think it's like I remember your thing has always been like, Republicans are just going to use this again As a weapon? Yeah, as a weapon Do you think she's like on some payroll or some shit? No, I know

It seems like she's just crazy She's mad that she got broken up with She's going to do crazy shit Because crazy people have always existed and they've always done shit like this Everybody who's dated people is fucked up and accidentally fucked somebody nuts At one point in their life

At one point At least The people that have sex are the crazy ones Yeah, pretty much Yeah, I'm a crazy boy, dude Brennan, you must have a lot of sex, bro You and Nick, the craziest ones Man

You have fucked very few legally sane people Yeah I got on one hand I think me too, yeah, as well I tried to fuck a lady in the mental hospital Hell yeah, dude

Is it like camp? Do people hook up The good mental hospital I was in was fucking tight, man The food was good, they had cake at every meal You guys are pieces of shit You don't have anything Have cake every time

I've always wanted to be put into one of those tuberculosis sanatorium Just to die on the side of a mountain That's all I kept telling them when I was at the height of my depression I was like, find me an asylum I don't want to go out Just find me a place

where I can sit in a chair and read books and fucking look around I don't know if there's a pool It's nice, but I don't want to leave Yeah, I want to sit under a blanket next to some continental stately British man

who's in the RAF now his eyeballs are being eaten out by worms Splendid weather! He looked dying Let him have his pipe Yeah, man, that's all I wanted The real mental institute was good, man

It was fun in there and she was not having it You could fuck though No, there wasn't rules that said you can fuck Fucking me, okay Explicit rules that you cannot fuck

Respect, brother No man's gonna get his nut off no matter what Yeah, I tried to fuck and she was more religious than I thought That'd be funny Are the condoms in the mental institution

just little straight jackets? Yeah, I was gonna have to go there were no condoms provided and then I'd get her pregnant and sue the mental hospital I was crazy, dude, this is on you This is on you You start fucking a girl in the mental hospital

and then you're dating her and you catch feelings like a head doctor and the head doctor's like look, we talked about this, man It's like I understand you're upset but these things happen You know you just gotta move on

You just gotta find some peace with yourself cause you're not a bad guy it's not your fault then people just have more to offer than you like being the head doctor I'm a doctor You're a crazy person What did you expect?

You don't think there's guys out there that I'm jealous of? I don't look at them and I say why not obviously not in this hospital I'm the best one I'm the king of the fucking mountain in here but in the real world which you don't have access to anymore

Which you're not allowed out and if you were to be allowed out on a day pass I have to sign it Hypothetically There was a NFL player in there with me and it was the best because

I can't say yeah it's like that's like real important shit but the rules were out the window for that guy What if you were like there was a guy in there, I can't say who it was cause you know NDA's and stuff but he's a famous parody musician and he plays accordion every afternoon

It's pretty strange I really can't talk about it Full name Albert Kuki Al Kuki Bert But this dude clearly had a setup

through the team in the hospital cause he would just leave and go have barbecues with his family and then come back and we'd all be like what the fuck happened man that guy just went to his pool for three hours He's a millionaire

Did he bleed out? I don't want to say too much but he was definitely playing football doesn't help your brain and a lot of those guys have painkiller issues like pretty heavy painkiller issues

kind of all of them have painkiller issues they cover that up a little bit but it's like candy And the NFL is so fucked up that they test harder for weed than they do for Obvious That's what's crazy is they won't leave them the fuck alone on weed like the NBA

leaves you alone about weed all those guys smoke weed and it's against the rules but they don't test for it and the NFL should be the exact same but they test for weed all the time and nobody's testing for painkillers cause they need painkillers cause they're legal

but they're all fucking just hooked on that shit cause it hurts playing in the NFL hurts really bad My fucking shoulder still hurts from high school football from one year of high school football Dude those guys are fucking But if the tradeoff is you get to be addicted to painkillers That's worth it

Yeah it's a good situation Anything you can do to find an excuse to be addicted to painkillers That is pretty tight One of the guys on the Browns got cut just now for insider trading Yeah the Browns are idiots man If only he had made his wife

It's so easy to commit insider trading Yeah I know You'll fuck up and do it all the time Hey hey hey Icy shut the fuck up Well that's what's frustrating cause it's like it's hard to know for a guy who's not necessarily super educated

on the process If just some friend of yours calls you and it's like hey invest in this stock You don't know Yeah you don't know it's against the law A lot of SEC rules aren't super intuitive Yeah A lot of people they hear about investing

like as a kid and then they come up with pump and dump scams on their own They're like oh yeah if I just go online and tell people like this company's great I can get people to buy the stocks after I buy it and I just sell it when the price goes Right Oh yeah no there's like a serious

fucking crime and I can't do that I think there was one case with like a kid who was like 15 who was just doing that and made way too much fucking money and eventually the SEC caught him pumping and dumping penny stocks I think they said that

people are surprised it is like a little fishy that the SEC like pursued it because there's a lot of white collar crime that's like way worse Well it sounds like he made like 1.2 million dollars He made a lot of money and the Browns are idiots I mean I'm a huge Browns fan but I hate the Browns owner

Draft day, Kevin Costner Was that your favorite movie? Of all time Actually also Waterworld So Another cleavage classic But the Browns are idiots because that guy's been under investigation

for like 2 months and they picked him up and paid him a lot of money and were like oh we thought he was on the Eagles and they were like we thought he was the victim and it's like well then you didn't investigate because you could have made like 2 phone calls and no he wasn't the victim

The victim of insider trading The victim of insider trading Every other investor He's the stock market That's so funny Yeah we're investigating him for child pornography They're like oh I thought maybe there was pictures of him as a child

that he found out about I always thought it was funny like remember like catch me if you can That guy like the FBI Frank Abagnale The FBI He eventually worked for the FBI after he served his time but like you never get that with a pedophile

Yeah I think we did that on the show or like I used to I tried to stand up a bit about that about the world's best pedophile Yeah there's never a guy where like pick him up get him in the FBI There's a 4 year old

robbing banks and we need someone to fuck her I need someone to lure her into an Oldsmobile 88 with nothing but a pocket full of butterscotch candies He's just been in a cell his hair and fingernails

are super long I can't believe more people There was a movie called Black Hat and it had I think Thor in it and you know he's jacked because the actor's huge and to explain why a hacker was jacked so he didn't get raped in prison

That's what they came up with they're like why is this guy strong it's like oh so it's not he doesn't get sodomized by the other prisoners in fact he got so jacked he figured why don't I give raping a try why don't I give it a whirl I did all these pull ups

I might as well get some boy pussy out of it I think the first bit I ever did and I dropped it because it's kind of hacky but the first bit I ever did was about how they say don't drop the soap in prison and there's a guy coming out of prison being like guys

it's not even soap related that's funny that's a great joke you can do whatever you want with the soap they're gonna fuck that's funny dude that's a great joke I can't believe more people didn't forge checks

so that catch me if you can I had to write a check recently it's just a note it's an IOU basically checks are dumb as shit dude but here's the thing there's numbers on them he figured it all out

do you think he really used those little stickers from the planes this is like a montage of Stav trying to forge checks this guy a jewelry and loot and then he says jewelry and loot he's just shitting and pissing himself and then looking at a book called reading for dummies

nothing is happening we'll push it to the limit place it's like a crayon like zillion dollars there's chocolate on his head and then him just getting stuck underneath the sneeze guard at Bob Evans they just have to get the fire department

to remove them from the buffet line of Bob Evans the check never gets forged they're like sir this is just barbecue sauce this is just a flattened dry piece of barbecue sauce it's like one million dollars they're like this is the post office

they're like isn't that the bank they're like no it's similar hours and attitudes but completely different spots and then at the end he's like catch me if you can they're like we got you you've been caught we've been watching the whole time you're in a wheelchair

you didn't pay your bother I don't think you did any crimes we're just worried about you I think that's a good scheme you guys say it like it's ridiculous we're going to Cleveland this weekend should we go to the rock and roll hall of fame I wouldn't unless you like

this is what it is I'll tell you exactly what it is a bunch of guys with prostate cancer pretending they were cool 40 years ago this is what it is and it's a little bit interesting it's a costume museum that's what it is there's very few exhibits

beyond you will see all of your favorite rock and roll bands costumes so that part of it is interesting but other than that you're not going to see much more than that so I don't know

we just want something to maybe shit on I would go to Sokolowski's it's like a Polish delicatessen where they've got fucking crazy what do you call them pickles no what are those little

Lithuanian it's like a cafeteria style lunch joint Cleveland is a very Eastern European Sokolowski's deli is good if you like corned beef I'd go to

Slimans I think it's really good Slimans the club's great are you guys going to be at Hilarides is great the room's great

especially if I don't know what your following is like in Cleveland if it's full because it's a huge room it's a huge room it's got a balcony but if it's like the balcony doesn't need to be packed but if the room's packed it's fucking hot like it's a great room the club's fun

the people are nice owned by Greek that's right have you ever met Nick? I love fucking Hilarides it's a great club I don't know what they're doing for the festival but they usually put you up at a pretty nice hotel

we're in some hotel the high it's nice it's like across the street we also got to buy those plane tickets which ones Australia we should do that after this suck my little penis penis thanks for coming on this is great

you want to plug your podcast my podcast is kind of similar it'd probably be great for come town fans that are a little on the dumber side come town is the smarter red dude cast

bro don't pitch yourself that way so follow the red dude cast on iTunes subscribe or at least give it a check out I do it with Greg Stone and Anthony DeVito and then you do premium episodes on Patreon what we do we're moving away from that

because we have a pretty big announcement coming up soon but we're moving away from Patreon but that's a whole complicated thing the show is now too racist the big announcement I can't thank you guys enough for having me on come back anytime dude

it's a good drag show Greg and Anthony on too no I wouldn't have those two on they can't think on their feet I just want to hear whatever wild shit Greg has to say it's the best our podcast is based around

letting Greg talk I laughed about that Adam Savine this was probably four years ago it's so funny it's still one of the funniest moments who's next Adam Savine and he's not doing a bit but here's the thing

about Greg you get to know him long enough and you realize he sort of is doing bits but he doesn't even really know it his life is a bit it's in his DNA I've always said people ask me for my favorite

comedians I can tell you who my favorite stand-ups are but I'll always say the funniest guy offstage to me is Greg Stone he makes me laugh harder than anyone else because he's just like nuts all the time it's like how a butterfly doesn't know how beautiful it is

it's just camouflage just survive that's how Stone doesn't know the bits he's doing that's beautiful, thanks man I gotta tell Greg you said that I love Stone our show has passed already it's just going up to women

strange women, no idea who he is he's like, Stavros said I'm a butterfly that's how that'll be interpreted so the fucking Cleveland and Boston shows just happened actually thanks for coming everyone this weekend I am in Connecticut

the Fairfield Comedy Club on Friday the 7th please come check that out next weekend I'm in Lafayette, Louisiana on the 14th and New Orleans on the 15th then I'm in Chicago on the 21st and the 22nd and Detroit on the 23rd we have funny moms coming up

on the 10th it'll be me and Nick, no Adam and then after that Australia I guess by tickets to us going to fucking Australia can you not make it? so it might just be me I gotta walk up and down the stage and shit

if you need help, I'm here you want to co-host? I would come do a show on the 10th which has not passed for real and also

I might be doing a show in Denver on September 30 so if you're in Denver keep an eye out I'm trying to figure something out so please come out to that and yeah that's it guys come see us in Australia, Sydney the 23rd Melbourne the 26th

Brisbane the 28th so that's it for us guys thanks thank you guys so much we love you pal bye everybody you