The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 126 – m’gay mate

Episode Date: October 24, 2018

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All right, I guess we should do this fucking shit here. We are having sex This is where we're going did you hit play yeah, I hit record Let's do it. I love everyone. We guy We haven't guy six We're here in Sydney, New South Wales Mm-hmm is Wednesday night. Stop telling people. What do you think of the news? Hello, I'm Walter gay Man stop just did a bad show that Adam was too much of a coward to do because he was crying about the Dodgers blowing it

Yeah, you were you were fucking in your key gay Hernandez His dad and have a cry session on the phone. It was a rough game one. He's like, this is just like the holocaust The world's like the holocaust today and then I went to basket Robbins and they were out of the oatmeal raising cookie And I said this is just like the holocaust And then I went out to the parking lot and I locked my keys in the car. I said, this is just like the holocaust And then one of my shoes was untied and I said, this is just like the holocaust Those things could have very Feasibly very like in the holocaust. It could happen. How many people any of those things how many people in your family got got

There buddy my my mom's dad lost like all of his it's like that soap that kills ninety nine point nine percent of back Yeah, you're like, but don't wash your hands because the point one percent of leaves And that was you're talking about Jewish people I semi I just don't like you just my family I think the holocaust was a fucking atrocity dude, and it's real and it's like one of the most As long as you're not painting ever happen in human history, but if your family was in there I guess it's not all that I guess Got out to produce me. So that's the silver linings playbook

That's a little more than say the holocaust was good. Yep Did you actually look in the playbook because that's the first page is that what about all the good things Hitler did Yeah, that Robert Robert De Niro out about Hitler yes about the Eagles Robert De Niro loved Hilla Delphia Eagles and Bradley Cooper. It was like the Mental illness is kind of a face impression. So it's not really gonna come across. He's doing I didn't even look at you. I'm doing the face. You guys know the face. I'm doing the frown. Oh come on You know the fucking Jews looks more like Silvio from The soprano still so yeah still doesn't that very nice frown. Yeah iconic tone. I

Told him I was gay and he fucked me in my ass Don't don't I told the guys gave all the guys gave you filled my ass will come You know, what are you gonna do fuck my ass until I until I came Don't I'm fucking gay to tone tone There was a guy fuck my ass Yes You bet these guys fuck you. I'm to try to do Paulie. Yeah, you let him I was the gayest guy in the army I was the gayest guy

Where he talks about the guy taking pictures of him. He was like he was half way to pull up contest Yeah Told you what I said. I said do you remember your first blowjob? I said, what was the guy's name? I had himself. What's his name the other day? Oh, it was incredible. I'm so mad that didn't happen on the podcast It would have been guys. I'm constantly creating gold. I'm you as I'm before I'm your muse your suck dick ol imp tin skin What's that? Rumble still skin suck dick ol imp skin

Yeah, whatever he says what you are. Yeah, I am suck dick. I agree with that No, like rumpel still skin. I'm sufficiently owned anyway Anyway, so it's great to be Sydney. Thanks. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no No, we're gonna talk about how you self what is named for a second. Okay? We were talking about Alvin and you will not be doing it. Why I we will be talking about you will not I'm trying to control the narrative, bro. No, you're gonna destroy they let you always be in charge of the Holocaust Museum All right, and it's like you got owned. I don't think you get to tell the story They were the ones that done

The entrusted Jews be like, oh, yeah, okay, we got burned, but here's how it happened. Yeah, that's probably 30 million that died It's very like it was only six million. It wasn't that big of a deal. It wasn't that's big The German should have done it. Yeah. Yeah, and I think that five to 95% of the audience really liked that bit So I mean 2% you think we have 2% Nazi. Oh, I thought you had Jews. No You think 95? Yeah, good. 2% of the world 99.8% of the world's wealth. Yeah, that's fucked up That's a totally you want to regain Look single one in the towers. All right, they all why did they all call in sick that day?

Yeah, you know I'm saying look every just rank and file Jewish person was told there's an Israeli conspiracy To destroy we're gonna bomb That you don't tell anyone No, it wasn't God, that's so fucking funny Listen, it was a tragedy a lot of Jews almost died That um, just say the thing Don't tell me when to say it motherfucker. Don't start making demands Adam's been peeing sitting down this whole trip

No, I haven't I've refused to listen to you Nick made a request that I pee to sit down because he wouldn't he doesn't like how it would look If it got out, let me stand up while it got out that you're standing up God damn it He doesn't like how that would look It's been so fun Adam it would be a PR nightmare and you know it I'm not taking pictures of myself pissing if it got out like you sir What on your why are you turning this on me man golden shower based get chubby chubby chaser

I've never done a golden shower and I have great content everyone Please follow at stavey baby to sta vvy baby to For beautiful body positive images that media today is frankly not doing enough of and I'm trying to fill that void The way I'm about to fill Adam's mouth with my two hairy nuts. That's disgusting stuff. I would never Fill my mouth Salivating He just put a bib on That's disgusting

Dasha was keeping you safe for a week I mean the boys have been at Dasha left. What is this store open for business? Dasha respect her. Yeah Can we please call Adam gay? Me and stave are busy keeping her safe from all those Japanese men. What are you talking about? Well, you were trying on kimonos Women's kimonos to be clear, right? No, they're wedding dress the wedding costumes women. No, they were there was a male's dress that I was wearing men's dress

culturally appropriate So we were we were talking about the chip and I I was saying how we're basically Alvin in the chip We represent each one of the hat Staves the fat one the adorable one the glasses and Adam's the Jewish Adam's Jewish gay one with the glass of this And so I said that when we were looking at a picture. We're like, oh my god, Nick's like wow That is us and then Adam says Who's that adult guy that they live with? That was a fair know about the man

What's that guy's name? What's the humans man? Can I get the more information on that guy? So I'm not allowed to ask literally when anyone bro. You're allowed That was the first that's the first question you had only you were talking about Alvin in the chipmunks and you're like Is that guy single? I didn't ask if he was single. Yes, but it turns out he was very handsome We looked up pictures first part. No, you looked at pictures me and stop were too busy laughing Yeah, that was worth laughing. That was one of the best things that's ever happened to me You self. What's his name?

So I was like it could all end out. I'm all all the torment can end if you just admit that's funny. I said I said, I'll never admit that's funny stuff. And then on the walk you were when we were away from dick He was like just admit it It's funny and I said I will Listen was 9-11 a great exit a very well-executed plan, you know, did they follow through on their plans? There comes the silver linings playbook, but you can't you can't tell the terrorists that right, right, right? Just like I can't tell Nick that myself. What's his name and his immediate

Ridiculous beautiful, dude. It was I was a silver linings play. It's just filled with stuff. That's like you get caught with child pornography But you learned about how to about downloads Yeah, now you know You know all about plus I know how computers. That's right, you know fucking solid-state drive You know what that is now because you're not we would you not using an SSD for that shit? That's right You want to you want to access your child pornography quickly? You can't wait the extra second No, you need to do a bit about how like your bitcoins worth so much money now But there was all these people that got it to buy child pornography

another rich I Guess that's the silver linings playbook has someone done that as a bit. I don't know. I don't know if I've heard it It seems so obvious that well Yeah, it was also people buying drugs too and pedophiles Yep, well, that's the way Nick said the second thing you said is the first thing. Yeah, so let's go ahead now You can just repeat exactly what I said is if I said in addition to pedophiles. There's also people buying drugs I was adding to what you said That was not a repeat that I don't think it's I don't think it's that obvious

I think that's pretty funny. They're the same way. I don't think what we feel the thing we were laughing about is that obvious that Hey a gay guy Proposing to another man by getting on his dick I think that's probably no man. I think that's probably out there no chance dude We came up with that. That's Nick, brother Adams never come up with a bit and it's goddamn life. That's not true Come up with plenty of bits. That's a single thing in his goddamn life fucking life But they everyone by the way you came to Sydney the comedy store shots out to them. Thank you so much for coming

Those are great shows. They came for what for both Well, I want to suck you and we want to fuck you for that one. So appreciate you Malbin. We'll be there shortly my little sluts Friday night Still some tickets left to the stand-up show the podcast has already sold out I thought they were both sold out. No, I think Brissy Brissy's also sold out. I think Brissy Podcasts sold out, but the oh really well listen just try and buy tickets if you live everyone buy whatever is available and uh, we owe a lot of guys a lot of money my spine hurts

Getting so we're getting as fucked maybe I'm not cranky. What are you talking about? She gave you a cheek. You're projecting. You did your crank. We had a lovely walk today And then you came back and we do as a crank. I did not crank mood Anyway, we didn't do shit today. We were gonna do stuff. I'm done doing shit. Oh We might be going on an international tour. Yeah, we might literally do a tour. It's it's this is pretty crazy But we might be literally going on a world tour

Yeah, and touring for three months Lagos, Nigeria. Yeah Well, we will be the best comedians in Nigeria. The thing Nigerian people like is to be talked to like this Hello, my brothers. Yeah Stop When you go to buy sandals, but they do not have any sandals at the sandal store You have to walk home without shoes on and you say, why didn't I just wear my other sandals? Every time you do this and they're like that is true every time is so true. You think that you will get the sandals there

But they are close Please stop talking like that We can see you Just not fans of come down. They just think comedy is coming Right, they think it is an opportunity for business networking Right every Nigerians think every public event is a business me hell. Yeah, dude Nigerians fucking love college Creating ultimate money

So true. Yeah, creating ultimate. Yeah, I go. Where are you going? Get off my back. I am going to a business meet and greet with the come down podcast I Would love there are American business entrepreneurs from America. Listen if you're a Nigerian entrepreneur Pitch me. Let's do shark tank. So I'm trying to invest dude. I would love I would love to lose all of my money investing in weird Nigerian business You have heard of limousines, but what about stretch sandals? You and all you and you and all of your friends can wear the same pair of sandals And you go you all walk around together Together that way because it is one part of sandals when you get to the sandals store

Three of your friends can buy normal sandals and where the normal sandals home and you maintain the limousine size sandals To keep for yourself and this will solve the problem of and in case the Sandals store is closed You will wear the limousine sandals back home. Dude, I'm sold on stretch sandals Yeah, coming up a Nigerian shark tag. I want $12 to buy a lemonade What is your business idea did I drink the lemonade? Okay, fine. Yeah, you have that I'll give you $6 and then you bring me a half the lemonade to drink for me And then we I get that 10% on all your peace from now on 10% stake on your peace

Nigerian shark tank I would like to have dinner They're like Have you said Nigerian cinema I want to watch a whole Nigerian movie nollywood all I see is the the clips online And they look incredible. Oh, yeah, no you gondon cinema is the best. Is that you gondon? The one where it's always like the special effects are all bullshit and it's that baby and then I cannot wait to be a Hollywood director So I'm going on Nigerian shark tank to pitch my movie idea where it is a pair of sandals that has a projector It goes forward so it will protect the world in front of you and you can pretend you are walking to someplace nicer than your house And what I really want is $12 to go buy a lemonade

Lemonade in Nigeria is really expensive man. You got to import the lemons dude. That's our native to Nigeria. They don't got lemons out there? No, no, they're lemons start. Where do lemons grow? That's the idea we bring lemons to Nigeria baby. Lemons are citrus right? Yeah, Florida. Florida. Yeah. Australia also has citrus because in Japan I bought an orange and it had a little kangaroo on it. Really? Yes sir. Did you eat a Japanese pear when we were there? I did not. They're very good. Well you were hoarding all the Japanese pears man. You didn't tell anybody else about them? No, I was on the go one day. Yeah, I bet you were. I was. I was on the go. With who? With my girl. What's his name? This is a Nigerian guy going on a shark tank. Where his idea is like a door that's on wheels. You can go anywhere. You can open any door. You can end up in any room you want. This is where, how much you always wanted to go through a door? Perhaps to the beach. They like the beach but they don't know doors to go through. Yeah, when you go to the beach there's no door to walk through. How does it? It does not even feel like you're at a new place. You bring your own door to the beach and that way you can open the door for your friends to be a door man even at the beach. What's the biggest city in Nigeria? I would love a sketch. It's just Nigerian shark tank. There's just like they say no to the door guy and then a man walks out with his arms outstretched and he's covered in cotton balls glued to him but his penis is hanging out. He's like my friends and they're like no. You have not even heard my business idea.

Oh fuck dude. That's a big ass city though right? Nigeria is the richest country in Africa. They're probably richest though. They took over from my native land of South Africa which was the bread basket of Africa. Nigeria is obsessed with being business man. Yeah dude. They've been scamming their way to shit. No they have a lot of oil. It's mostly email scams. It is the prince email scam guy but it is also oil I believe and hip hop. They've exported a lot of hip hop around the world. This is a great website. Business news. Business news dot com dot ng. This is a tough. This is a real slippery slope here. Let's go down in for a sec. DMO extends in 100 billion Suckhawk offer. What the fuck is Suckhawk? No you're making that up. Suckhawk I guess is their money. No they buy things with Suckhawks. Suckhawk is the Arabic name for financial certificates. That's pretty good. Also commonly referred to as Sharia compliant bonds. Oh yeah there's a lot of Muslims. You have to be Sharia compliant. If you want to invest in Sharia law you need to buy Suckhawk. You have to have 10 Suckhawks. If you want your fucking wife to look like a ninja or whatever. You got to let conservative radio know about this. People that think Sharia law is coming to the states.

It's coming dude. They're trying to do this Suckhawk shit. What the fuck is going on. They're talking about. There's like a fucking Mad Max style caravan full of Mexicans and Muslims coming to the border. I've become so racist that I legitimately thought the Nigerian business news shit would be like I'm opening a sandals. No they're rich as hell dude. It's like a huge country. It's like a wildly influential country. They're super powerful. And I'm like what the fuck is this. A thousand firms bid for government contract. This isn't funny at all. My friend FMC Bank wants a limited personal and business banking proposition. This isn't. Where's the sandal stuff that I imagine in my head. No they're. We are selling Bluetooth speakers. Bluetooth headsets and sandals together. No longer will you have to buy it separately. Who is excited for Bluetooth sandals. A million dollars. That sets off a fucking war. One 10 million Suckhawk. I would. It has to be compliant with the law. Anyway you guys. But it's a good time to mention bet the aside.com. You can gamble on as many as you want. Bet the aside.com now available in Nigeria. 100 percent certified to work here in Nigeria. They come town sponsored by bet the aside.com an award winning mobile app. Let me tell you I have been in the sandal business my entire life.

And there's one thing I love doing with my sandals is wearing them to the gambling district. The Internet Cafe to log on to bet the aside.com and place bets on which sports teams will do something. And they have an award winning mobile app and twenty four seven customer service that you can call up any time and say I am a prince. I need 20 million dollars. And they will give it to you and they will do it. I have scammed so much money out of this company. That's right. Bev award winning mobile app already said it. Now for live in game in game way to ring. You know what that means. Change your mind. Fucking heads your shit. You know head your bets. I tell people head your bets all the time. You know. Say buy low sell high. I bet on both teams every game every game you can't lose that way. The Boston boys versus the Los Angeles Faggots. Yeah. Los Angeles Los Angeles homos. That's right. Right. That's LA homos. Yeah. Look you go online right now. And the odds are in your favor here. Put every dollar you have on the ever made even dollars you haven't made Dodgers in three. Take out a bet. Listen to this. Take out a bet. The Dodgers in three. Yeah. We watch the World Series. Oh no. Are we done with the read. Take out a loan. No we're not done with the read yet.

Take out a loan. Doesn't matter what the interest is because we need to read. This is a real website that I use using that I love using it. I go online. I use it all the time. I made four hundred dollars. Look dude. I'm a multi billionaire. And the only thing that keeps me from killing myself is winning more and more. Wagering on bet the aside betting. Yeah. The wild gambles. Beat me off guys dot com. Beat me off guys dot com. And you can go there and you can check out the website. And by the way you can also email us at staff at beat me off guys dot com. Adam Freeland at beat me off guys dot com. You got them both. Yeah I got them both. I locked it down. I knew that the second one might be available. I wanted to make it mine. That's pretty cool. Anyways what are your picks for the World Series World Series. I'm saying Boston. I guess I got a roof. I'm picking the Dodgers. I'm picking with my cock. Yeah I'm saying I'm telling you Dodgers in three Dodgers in three. We watched game one today. They had a chance to steal it. But they did not strike ass strike. To fuck. Joe. Joe fuck. And a grand slam. Oh no it's ball. It was just a ball ball three. Sorry folks it looked like he was going to hit that one out of the park and now I'm being told no one was on base actually.

I'm sorry about that folks. The game was yesterday. The game will begin shortly. I'm sorry I'm watching Dharma and Greg on my phone. I was watching Family Guys. Stewie got a hit. Yes. Stewie made me laugh about the an evil monkey in Chris's closet. We're all reminded of the evil monkey inside of ourselves. That in the great the great beautiful game of the divine sport. The Bella Gamo. The Bella Gamo. Fenway Park Baseball Dooch Fenway Park a cathedral of the sport of the sport of the Bells of the Bells. Coming to bat now is Georgia Georgie Christmas. Number 20 looks like a three from here. I can't. The script is kind of weird. I'll say 28 or 23. And another good job by the player. The player gets it. I mean great the ball. And that's actually Joe fuck did say that. Joe fuck did say that. That's how it started.

He said another good job. Good job by the catcher. By the catcher. The players are going out on the field. Yeah. And one thing's for certain we will see something happen today. And not many people know this but actually when it goes back to L.A. They will be they will not be using designated hitters. It's going to be nationally standing for designated H. for hitter. And that's strike two hitler. That's strike two. And I'm sorry that was actually a double. That's a good moment to remind you that this game is brought to you by bet DSI dot com. Play bet win. Oh right. Use promo code 25 come one 20 come one 20. Sorry. Come one 20. Come one 20. Not the gay shit. And extra 120 percent of strike gas. Strike gas. And it's a grand slam. Oh OK. That was ball too. Got me again. Another good job. And here comes George Christmas again. Yeah. Yeah. No that's Derek G. and the wind up.

Oh he's he's walking up the mound. Wow. Oh yeah. They've got now an older picture is actually the mound. I'm just talking to being told now that there is a third baseball team on the field. There was gray uniforms and they were allowed to boss people around the rules of the game ever changing. Like game of D. like game of Della. Like life itself. The game the rules of the game are constantly in flux in flux. And in fact maybe there won't know we are at the bottom of the seventh. How many more innings will this game go. No one knows. It's hard to tell. Again Boston's up 13. Could go and frankly I'm surprised it's still going. We're sitting here at the top of the eighth 13 to 1. And it's any anybody's guess how many innings this game. I think they played a 20 or something. Maybe 15 or which win by two. It's first to 21. I believe. And the Dodgers are on their 15th reliever. The score is 22 to 0. And we're looking at extra innings here. I'm sorry that was those were the K's. I keep counting. Let's just strike out. I don't know what the score is. K which stands for K stands for OK by me. Extra 120 percent when you use promo code. Come one 20 bet the aside that com get 120 percent bonus on your deposit.

And that is a grand slam. Oh sorry again. I don't I keep doing that. I really apologize. I'm sorry. It's so exciting. I witnessed one and I keep hoping it's a joke. Can you please stop watching Family Guy. I'm being told the game has been over and I am why I am just announcing over the family guy feed the next 20 minutes. Child has been hit with a foul ball and you can only hope that she has Down syndrome or some kind of intellectual disability. That this does not affect her life in any significant way. Strike to strike to. He blocked. I'm sorry. And a lot of people don't know this but there's a strike to and it looks like the innings over and it's a strike to two outs one out. How does it. It's tough to keep track. But one out and that is the middle of the ninth and well that'll be here folks and they won't even bother batting. I don't think and he strikes out the side with nine balls. Once you walk everyone if they if everyone makes their way around the bases. We're witnessing baseball history here.

It looks like the batter is allowed to advance the first base without actually having to hit the ball because it was so bad. He's just a picture in the letting him do it. Incredible psychological warfare. We're witnessing baseball history here. The batter has been hit by the ball unprecedented in the annals of the divine cathedral. Never ever seen baseball. Not even like he's only for sort of familiar with it. Yeah. Yeah. He went through a game one time when he was seven years old. This guy kind of reminds me of Benny the jet Rodriguez from the film from the film Sandlot which is really the only thing I've seen. And I cried because I couldn't understand why the dog was different sizes throughout the movie. No one ever explained it to me and my father beat me for crying and called me a faggot who will never have the same job as him. What I don't understand is why how many balls do they have because in the Sandlot it seemed like that was only you know seemed pretty tough to use a baseball. The umpire is calling that ball three. It's interesting. It looks to be the same ball. He has been throwing the entire time.

So I'm pretty sure that's going to be challenged. They're going to send that one. There is no chance we're not seeing a challenge on that one. I'm almost certain that is the same ball. I watched it be thrown back to the pitcher. And it looks like we're not we're probably going to wait till the end of the game for that challenge. This is customary. All of the challenges happen after after the gentleman's agreement between the two coaches. And it's a grandson. Oh fuck. Fuck. I just want to see a goddamn grandson. Wouldn't that be great folks coming up after Family Guy the Cleveland show. Yeah. Sorry. Chief Wahoo coming up on my phone after Family Guy Star Trek the next generation. A couple fine compilations and joined me throughout the sixth and seventh. As I recreate the UPN network through streaming services. UPN 1997. Last year I was happy. I'm gay. I'm gay. And that's strike at or strike strike.

Another good job. Yeah baseball is pretty fucking gay if you ask me. Yeah it's not it's really not exciting anymore. Why do you say anymore because there's better sports to the six. We wonder once again am I allowed to go to the bathroom. Can I go to the bathroom and never mind I will be pissing in this commemorative Pepsi cup the divine question. How mad would people be if I just got up and went to the bathroom. Folks you know what I know nothing really happens in baseball. You can take it from here for a couple days. And will people find out that I'm Skyping in from my garage. I'm Skyped in my feet stopped working have strike out calling. Yeah he's two out two outs in a ball. Definitely coming to the play. He's actually going up yet. It's actually you can see a lot of movement out on the field. Players moving at various speeds. Some of them standing still stoic almost like the big Ben big Ben tower the time teller of London.

That classic good tower that we all. He's just he's at home. He's just Skype his way in with the feet. He's calling it on Reddit. That's playing on Fox. There's just no reason for him to make the noises. And cracker jacks. They have a prize in them and we all have a prize in ourselves. It's called talent and ability which you can see out here tonight and some of these fine young men demonstrating why athleticism is the answer to South America's obsession with fascist fascism. The greatest ideology the divine ideology a cathedral the thought people that like that baseball probably would be cool with fascism. Yeah. It's so old fashioned. You know I mean yeah it's the nice the national past nice and it'd be orderly. They used to not allow blacks to do it. Yeah they got that guy in Boston Yorkie.

He's racist to shit. I think. Yeah. Who's. A fan of theirs. No the. I think he was the owner. Oh now it's the Dunkin Donuts guy. No Duncan. No the crap. No Robert Kraft owns the Patriots. He doesn't own the. He doesn't own balls. No it's the guy that owns Liverpool. Oh nice. He owns the Red Sox. John Henry. Does he. I think his name is John Henry. Look at the U.S. ambassador Nigeria. Just a white ass guy. Yeah but he looks like a fake businessman. Yeah he definitely does. They're like who are we going to send over there. Oh a businessman that a child came up. Just slick the back black hair. Yeah. Beautiful fucking hard cock. Nigeria is seventh largest integrated market in the world. Yeah Nigeria. William Simington is the name of the U.S. and what's the top six. U.S. Cali is number two. Its own market. Dude Cali. What happened to California's seceding after Trump got elected. I don't think they ever got around. They should become probably two stones.

Got him. Got him Adam. I'm trying to get my dick sucked on the city opera house the top of it. On the point at the top of the shell. You think I could do it. Yeah there's no record of this William Simington guy being the U.S. ambassador to Nigeria. What do you mean you just saw a picture of a guy. So says the Nigerian newspaper. I think this guy is just pretending to be the U.S. ambassador. He's just never been there. No I think this guy like if you Google William Simington some guy from the 1700s comes up. Well there might be more than one. Ambassador. I hope this is just some guy lying to Nigerians. No they're too crafty dude. They're too fucking crafty those Nigerians. No he's real. That sucks. I'm sorry man. I'm sorry for your loss. Yeah. He's tough ass trying ass time. Proceeded by James F. and Twistle and Twistle and Twistle. The basis from the who. No. How about the Poo John and Twistle. That's not his name. How about the me too. What me too. He said me too. Me too. It's like but he says it like. I got my name is Hank Hill and I've been raped and rape accessories. Me too. I sell me too and me too. Accessories jerked off. I guess we said limited me to on the show. Limited me to my clothes for little girls got raped. What. What. What. It's just sad.

The little girls get it right. Yeah that's fucked up. But it's good that they have literally never talked about children getting raped before on the show. It might be the first time. Yeah we did. I'm just I'm playing good. You're playing. How about you. Two. It's the guy from a hook getting right. Now we're back baby. Oh captain. Stop fucking me ass. Was that Mario who played me. Yes it was. Bob Hoskins. And it's not. He's not Mario. That's literally the only thing I knew him from my whole life. Mario. I knew him as me. Yeah. I knew him as Eddie Valiant. Who frame Roger Rabbit. Yeah true. I thought I was like wow Smee is in Roger Rabbit. Yeah. But I saw hook first. My man Dustin Hoffman. Given the performance of a lifetime. Definitely. Definitely. I love having a gay sex with Peter. I want to trap Peter. We got to find Peter. I'm going to look up. I'm going to find Peter Pan. I'm going to take my sword and I'm going to cut his pants off. And I'm going to suck his cock. Listen. Here's the plan. I'm going to find Peter Pan. When I find them I'm going to use his magic to get my dick hard. Dick hard ass dick thoughts. My dick hasn't been hard for 15 years. Listen I'm trying to get my dick hard. I can't really do Dustin Hoffman. No that was good.

It was a good like Rain Man Dustin. I don't know. I don't know Mrs. Robinson. I just don't know if you're allowed to suck my cock. That movie's about an old bitch that fucks a young man. And then he fucks the daughter. Whoa he gets them both. He's a pimp. And then they run away to get married. Well have you gone Joe DiMaggio. Please come back and let me suck your cock. I am gay. I'm gay gay gay. Here's to you Mr. Robinson. I watch you mow the lawn and beat off through the blinds. When my parents aren't home from work yet I watch you mow the lawn. And I get my dick hard and I beat off in the kitchen. I ejaculate all over all the dishes. And then my mom comes home and she tells herself it's not come. Here's to you Mr. Robinson helping me discover my homosexuality from across the street. I briefly dated your daughter. I abused that poor girl just to get into your room and steal your underwear. I'm going to rape you. I'm going to rape Mr. Robinson. Well I'm 17 years old and I'm strong enough now to kidnap a grown man and rape him in his own garage. And he'll never tell the police because it's so humiliating. Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio. Nation turns its lonely eyes to you and beats off.

And sucks your cock. It's Paul Gaiman. Paul Gaiman. Damn honestly and guy you really wanted to go on a gay rape spree. Hello. And I'm my old friend. What do you mean. 50s and start raping. Yeah. You rape guys all day long. Yeah. In the 50s. Yeah. Probably that was the best. Call you a real crackpot. They call you. Hey just what the hell is going on here. It's a big idea. Oh my God. What the hell is this. I thought only I could do this to women. I think you're mistaken. That's my ass. I'm from a distant future. I'm a cryptocurrency millionaire. I have everything I want except the ability to rape powerful men. I don't know what rape is. Just go back in time and fuck Dwight the Eisenhower. I would rule dude. I would love to just rape some guy who was like a radio operator in Korea. You know you just work hard. You work hard for the company and you know I just make sure my kids go to a good school and you know I'm like yeah that's a cool story man. I'll give you a ride back to your place. I'm headed over to that side of town anyway. Yeah. How about my Packard. Well I don't know is this which way you're going.

No I'm taking the new Parkway. I don't know if I really live off the Parkway. Hey listen you want to fucking drive get your own car. Did you just use the F word. I'm going to be using a lot more than that for him. So he's knocked out. He wakes up tied up. He's sitting in a chair where you cut a hole in the bottom. He's in a coffin. He's in a fucking coffin. He thinks he's been buried alive. But he's got a zipper lighter screaming. Yeah. Give him a lighter so he knows he's in the coffin. Yeah. And then there's a little note that says you've been buried alive. But he doesn't know that he's only just sort of suspended above another cop that I've set up. There's a hole cut around his ass. And then while he's screaming at the top as long as things he's six feet underground I just start fucking his ass from underneath the coffin. Damn dude. I thought just raping him would be enough. No. But you want him to feel like he's going to die and some demon is fucking his ass. Yeah. Satan himself. Yeah. And then I you know there's a little camera in there recording the man being raped and screaming.

You know just some 50s business man asshole. Bring a camera in the future. And then I take the footage back to modern day and I step out of the time machine and call a press conference and I'm like still think white men can't help. Still think white men are bad. Look what I did for all the oppressed people in the world. I went back to the source. I found the white guy that created the patriarchy and I tricked him into thinking he was buried alive and then I raped him in a coffin. Hero. You did it. And when you go back in time and it's a perfect society but you have to fuck a bunch of those business guys. Yeah. Would you do it. Well it depends how far back in time because there is a statute of limitations to you Mr. Robinson. I'm going to put you in a makeshift coffin. Fuck your ass. I'm going to convince you that you're just suffocating the death six feet under the ground and then you get raped. Now do you know what happens after he gets raped. Yeah. Kill him or are you. No. No. I mean death would be you give it a couple years so kill himself.

Yeah. Death is would be exactly a cop out. Part of the punishment is he has to live with that forever. And that's what you get pal for doing redlining. Yeah. For making it so blacks couldn't. Yeah. Live in middle class homes for being a racist. And that's why we write. I got a white picket fence for you right here. My dick and balls. One of the one that they fucking tied Matthew Shepard up to. For the people like you did that. Yeah. That's crazy bro. He speaks French tie and some pigeon. He's married to Pamela G. Schmall and his two children. Ambassador. James F. N. Twissell. Who. James. Ambassador to Nigeria. The former United States ambassador to Nigeria. Oh he's not anymore. It's a good time to remind you guys that if you go to Mack Weldon dot com you can pick up some rape proof underwear. Just. Mack Weldon. Make no promises about you whether we're about whether or not. Look if whatever it looks we're sorry that happened to you but we didn't actually say that that's how the underwear. Well, and listen, Mack Weldon dot com believes in smart design premium fabrics and simple shopping

That's what I like simple shop It's simple shop simple Stephen here for simple shopping Yep, I got a special computer that only has four buttons on it Three of them take you to Mack Weldon dot com one of them is for new underwear, which obviously I need because I misjudged my own independence I thought maybe I was ready for underwear But I go through those things like cigarettes They kind of underwear is kind of like Pringles for me once you shit one pair There's never a tardy guy that's like man, I shit an entire box underwear

Steve's birthday party was crazy. I've just binge-watched blues clues and shit Back well dot com simple shopping Check them out super easy You go on there you check them out Like I love checking out these websites me too man. I really like it a lot I love checking them out one of my favorite things to do is go on a website see what they got in just Really just really check out that's a lot of they got a hyperlink the web surfing on every hyperlink hyperlinks webbrings Surfing the web many checking out websites

Mack Weldon comm is one of my favorites. I Open up my internet browser. Mm-hmm, and my home page comes up. What's that like coast calm? Search engine. It's got a dog on there. Oh, yeah, spot, right spot spot And now I know one thing's for certain you can't trust anything you read on the internet for sure anyone can put anything They want so true, but I check out websites and one of the ones I've recently checked out was geo cities comm Mack Weldon And you know, don't let all of the dancing lizards in the background and the shit that follows your mouse around Fool you they are for fire the fireball comment. You can trust them with look

There's a counter on the bottom. Currently. I'm the the one thousand two hundred eighty second visitor You know and that counter is real Oh, yeah, and it says all the flags of all the country. It says all the flags of all the countries Oh, sorry. Well, you're there sign the guestbook sign the guest list guess. They got a guest book on there and you can you can check out and Anyways, they got a line of anti microbial silver Ion, yeah Excuse me. There's silver. Ion

No, it's not silver. What anti microbial me joking around silver line. Are you trying to fuck this read up Adam? Yeah, what do you talk? Why are you trying to fuck this read up? This is people pay money for this man I was just trying to be disrespectful to our corporate part our corporate partner our beloved partner Mack Weldon Who's been with us from the beginning? They have never flinched unlike you who has it would request it quietly to quit the show Numerous times, but you said I will you said all I'm asking for is 50% of the profits for the rest of I never asked for that And he just not happy with the $40 an episode you get paid man

Yeah, I really appreciate the $40 that's more than a fair and I said if I could pay my way to Australia Yeah, I'd love to hang out with you guys on tour But you know we told you we kind of East China air here It was you were in my experience You were in the boat you're in the freight section of a boat we did we did Tai Chi halfway through the flight That Chinese airline has got to be so goddamn funny. I know in flight meal is just like a live rat Yeah, you're like excuse me. What I like so how do I even eat this like oh, yes, and then they just come back with a blowtorch Bay very nice. Oh American style

Cooked Mack Weldon's got a line of silver naturally Manti microbial shirts and underwear, which means that they reduce odor by doing something sucky your cock Well, it's science. Yeah, I guess they do something like that. They would just order by sucking your cock and They got cool shit on there, man They got crew next it's almost crew next season back in New York, which I will never return to an international Stay on the road forever. We're ex-pat until I finally find, you know Building a nice view

And I take a look over the edge and I say, you know what? This is it. This is where it happens. I'm just Why fucking wait and then you know what happens at the bottom? No No, you know what happens fucking lights out and the only thing you go into one of those suicide The fire department air-filled suicide landing things and we all give you a round of applause And we're all wearing tuxedos and we say I feel like if I got gamed and I fell on something if you drove me to actual Suicide and I landed on one of those things. I'd be like I

Still just want to kill myself. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah more so now That's so much more embarrassing. Yeah, is that what happened to the game? Yeah, they trick him into killing himself And then he's like they're like gotcha and he's like wow. Thanks. Thanks you guys. That's crazy Yeah, who plays his brother Michael Douglas's Shawn Penn Shawn Penn That's right. It's a game Connie. They're playing a game with you. That's a good Michael I'm gay Are you telling me that I'm gay? He sure they trick him into killing himself. Yeah, it's a Connie. They're trying to make me suck their dick

But the movie ends with him on his knees sucking some guy's cock. Is this what you want? This is a part of the game Michael. Is this how your game ends? Because I'll do it He's just sucking off a homeless guy and then he takes off. It's a prosthetic cock Hmm, but he rubbed his real cock on it so it tastes like cock. Hmm. If there's one thing I want It's to suck cock for my 42nd birthday. Yeah, what is it's like a that was the age my dad died when he came out of the closet He was struggling with things ever since Michael Douglas is tricky

It's tricky. Yeah, cuz he just sounds like a guy. No, you were doing it good. Just now. I was doing what? Mm-hmm. What was I doing? You're doing Michael Douglas. Is this it? Yeah, it's okay That fucking sucks, dude, if anyone ever plays mind games with me, I'll fucking I'll take a hatchet to their balls I've been playing mind games with you. No, dude It's a 12 month project. You just go to macwell.com and use promo code Come come town to receive 20% off your order. And if you don't like the underwear, you can suck my cock Michael Douglas or you could also Michael Douglas here. Get your money back here. Hey, this is Michael Douglas And I'm here for Mac Weldon.com. This is officially Michael Douglas the actual actor. Wow

Come town. This is not an impersonation. Mm-hmm. It's the real Michael Douglas and Michael was just telling me off Mike Ever since I got my fucking wife better than him Catherine Yeah, ever since Catherine left me for some guy who doesn't have mouth cancer. I Knew I was going to need new underwear And so I went use promo code come town at Mac Weldon.com and I received 20% off my order and the ones you didn't like Michael You just I thought I shoved them in Catherine's pussy, and they didn't even ask for him back Mm-hmm. You can put them right in that pussy. You can call him up. He'd be ridden

Wouldn't ask for those back. I would ask for I thought I got dick cancer from wearing Mac Weldon underway I'm told that that's not true. I'm now endorsing the Mac Weldon. Definitely not give you dick cancer. Mac Weldon.com does not give you dick cancer Select cities Mac Weldon.com does not give you dick cancer Don't like the underwear you can keep it no questions asked. That's right. Put it in Catherine's data zone. Just pussy. I'm gay Hey, I'm gay. Hi, I'm Michael Douglas, and I'm a gay actor Hi, I'm gay actor Michael Douglas here here for live aid Hi, I'm I'm gay actor John Ham. No, I can't do John. I am happy about them, and I'm gay Hey, who's that? That's how we are by them. Yeah, I'm gay

Don't put it in your pocket where it becomes just another use condom Which it is You know today is friend though. Today is the day you become gay I'm gay actor No, we are Flip it flip my car call it Well, how can I call it if I don't know what I'm calling? You're calling whether or not you're gay

But I'm not gay yes But I haven't even called it yet look shut up I do the mind game Don't call me out Man, how do you do Woody Harrelson? What she's is he something? Yeah, he's got a little yeah Listen, this guy Anton Segura is gay. Wait. What do you know some wasn't that movie? Yeah, he was he was he was the cop Yeah, the ones I got I think I got he was I can avoid. Oh wait. No no Tommy Lee Jones was a cop. Who's Woody? What do you play? Woody is the other bounty hunter the other bounty hunter. Yeah, okay

Does he get got and Llewellyn is in bed and he's like I think I can avoid this guy I'm all right. He's hired by the coalition. You don't understand this. Yeah Who's that company that hires them? I don't know man I'm trying to figure out the impressions just so I can say I'm gay is what he Gives a shit what happens in the movie. It's a good movie. No, I'm trying the I don't know I have never tried a Woody Harrelson. Okay. Just do it I'm gay. What are you like? What are you some kind of a gay guy? I can't I can't do it now because you've interrupted me so Many times. I'm sorry for interrupting. You can't do it because you know, it's like you just don't understand the fucking

Process in terms of doing impressions. What process dude. It's a delicate process. You have to like really have empathy for the character What's your process dude? I looked I'm the only one of us. It's a professional actor. Okay, that's not so these guys I call gay and make fun of I like I have empathy for you. You have respect. I have a special respect I'm a professional actor too. Hi. I'm gay actor This is gay actor Michael Let's see, what are some other actors we can call gay Hey, I'm gay actor Steven Dorf Steven Dorf gay actor here. I'm gay. How gay like a fag. Yeah That's Joe Pesci Joe Pesci. So, uh, what am I like some kind of some kind of queer?

That's not I don't even remember what Pesci sounds like. No, no, why don't you do one? Why am I some kind of queer? What do you do it bitch? Which actor? Any actor? No, just name one and then I'll do it any impression of any actor at all. You got to tell me name an actor. Any single just do I'm a man of 10,000 impressions. Literally any actor. No, no, that's I I asked you to name one The in order to caprio, of course And what do I have to say that he's gay? I don't know you do a man take it away Rose. Don't you understand? I'm gay

But I love you, but I'm gay, but I'm gay And then she sinks the ship with her huge I was gonna say that but Nick said okay, here's another one cool cool that you were going to say something that I said, okay I'm the Dennis Hopper Dennis Hopper, of course easy about Dennis Bob. Hey, man. I'm gay, man I'm gay brother Marin and your Dennis Hopper no, that's my dance Listen, Ian and Mark Maron got it from the hop He was the original man. All right Denzel Washington Dennis Hopper dick, right? I'm okay. I'm gay, man

Also your Morgan and I am gay, man I'm frickin gay, man. You like having gay sex Jake That's good. You know the thing about gay sex Jake. It smells like Ponce all Jake You know what gay sex smells like Jake it smells like Ponce all Jake. What was in that? That was cum. Oh, I didn't know you liked a smoked cum Jake. It's not about what you know It's about what you can prove That's a good round of actors. I can't really do Denzel either. No, no, that was that was great It's this manner serviceable cadence, but yeah, I do female actors better. I guess. Yeah

Yeah, dude, you're doing a great Scarlett Johansson right now. Yeah, thank you. You sound just like her. I appreciate that Dude Juliet Julianne Moore Julianne Moore. Wow, that's incredible. You just said her name like she would say it. What whoa Thank you. Damn, dude. He's really good. Do Richard Simmons Richard Spencer. Whoa. No, no Richard Simmons Oh, yeah, I'm gay. Yeah, that's you. No, no, no, don't do yourself. Yeah, stop toning it down Adam go ahead Whoa, it's back Gay actor Michael Douglas

Hi, I'm gay actor Michael Douglas Hi, I'm gay actor Michael Douglas here for the victims of Hurricane Katrina My boyfriend I'm here with my boyfriend, right? This is a regular guy famous guy Just some 18 year old guy Holding hands with Michael. I Briefly stopped kissing my boyfriend to bring important message to you

Hi, I'm gay actor Michael Douglas here with my boyfriend who I briefly stopped kissing to raise money for victims of Hurricane Michael Take that Michael Douglas and that was a delightful message from gay actor Michael This Kirk Douglas still around yeah, yes, he's like he's like 114 years old. He is he looks horrible He's 101 years old. I'm gonna go Dan Spartacus. Yeah, he's alive suck dick to kiss

Yeah We did Charlton Heston earlier. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the me Chinese No, we're right here. Yeah me want to You sucky did you say take this cock for my cold dead hands? I didn't but you can say that if you want that was mine Just kidding Just kidding is the hashtag just kidding movement the answer to me too More than 11 men pretending to rape women. No, it's not. Yeah, okay One reporters

Toddler was gone has gone missing in Southeast this afternoon and also as the me to movement I just want to test the waters out Maybe some of our viewers want to chime in call in if you think the meet-two movement has gone too far We don't take calls. This is a new show. Please write It's gonna be a sunny 72 degrees in bomberville This week with highs in the 80s and a 60% chance of precipitation and many people are wondering has a meet-two movie 100% chance of Uncompletely baseless accusations being levied against the local weather and then just like we're just gonna go ahead and say this real quick

It might snow this week and maybe Lucy case should be allowed to do There has to be a chance for redemption don't cut my mic Hi, I'm gay actor Michael Douglas here for the hashtag me too is going too far That's a gay man. I don't really care that we're getting raped. I'm gay and it doesn't affect me I'm HIV-negative gay actor Michael Buggliss Fatality Michael Buggliss Folks well if you want to hear classics like Michael Buggliss

You gotta you gotta come to the live shows and you gotta subscribe to the subscribe to our motherfucking patreon Patreon comm slash come down if you don't subscribe there are literally as many episodes as we have done We have done that many a Patreon so there's a huge backlog if you're not subscribed please subscribe to that Yeah, we didn't the money is gone up again because we didn't realize that people just don't know we have a patreon Yeah, and it was hard to search for some patreon. Yeah, we got the label Oh, yeah, so please if you like this stuff it really a lot of people don't understand that this show has huge overhead We have a research team

Look, I spent all week with these poor poor fucking college kids And I'm like finally all of the dumbest Nigerian businesses I want to find sandals that are made out of ice cream. Mm-hmm find me that business man They're like, I don't think that exists. Yeah, and I was like why and they're like Because it's just racist mr. Mullen and then I just beat that boy silly That's right in front of the entire conference room, and I said nobody's allowed to play rock band anymore for the week I'm taking away Look, I spent nine thousand dollars a day on this startup office. Yep. We have six floors in midtown

insane Researching interns and a half of them are playing rock band and playing ping-pong half the time. We have a napper room stand-up desk a Segway with a built-in espresso machine. Mm-hmm. You ride the segway around make yourself a little espresso drink Yeah, anyways that costs well over 40,000 the segway can't do stairs So you got to use your legs to use the stairs and then there's another segway at the bottom You said video that escalator breaking so good hilarious fucking dumb Italian. Yeah, it was in Italy That's right Fuck so yeah, again, that's the kind of stuff you you could pay money for it's most of it is in Italian and Vietnamese

A lot of people don't know I speak Vietnamese. Oh, yeah Ding-bo-gong-gau du-bang-gau bang-dick-bam-er. It's like just it's sort of more of the most the most Like pinbally of the Chinese languages. That's right. Yeah, that's right. It's the most Chinese Wow, I didn't know you could rap You got flow Yeah, that's for you the maze dude, that's awesome, bro So, yeah, listen to that Melbourne babies you motherfuckers this Friday come out. We're gonna be a baby dick Ernie's Baby dick Ernie's a baby dick Ernie's. Home of gay actor Michael Duggan.

He's home away from home whenever he's out of America. He comes on down to baby dick Ernie's He's ever sport a baby come. It's his favorite Will also be in Brisbane Brisbane on Sunday Sunday the 28th, please buy tickets to that. I will be Whatever we should say Nashville too. All right motherfucker. Hold on. We're gonna be a national the fuck on We'll be a Nashville on the 11th over here looking at pictures of the man from Alvin and shit I haven't been looking at pictures in at least 24 hours. It'll be a Nashville. We're gonna be in on the 11th, November We're gonna be in maybe

Alabama We're gonna be in Charlotte on the 13th and Atlanta on Wednesday the 14th The little run through the South that after we did this tour is gonna be pretty gay probably we're going to it's gonna be We're going to cancel all of the Probably going to cancel the show I don't wanna do that. Fuck all of our friends in their cities. We're not going to Atlanta before I think it's I don't know. It's I don't remember. Maybe it's important. It makes more sense to do it the other way Well, I don't fucking know dude. It's on my website if you wanted to look guys go to stop

I'll also be in like a movie theater or some shit in Long Island They got a little front area where they do comedy Strong Island Strong Island on November 30th Please come out to that. That's also on my website and then DC I will be headlining a full weekend at the DC draft house four shows two on Friday the 7th two on Saturday the 8th Come out to those and then I'm doing a little run in Indy andapolis on the 14th Columbus on the 15th and Cincinnati on the 16th. So come out or I think I fucked that up Indy on the 13th

Columbus on the 15th since he on the fifth. I don't fuck it. Just look at my website, man I'll be at those cities and like this international tour international tour We literally won't be in New York who all along poor Malaysia fucking Croatia split Croatia Going to Greece do bro. We're going to go to Ukraine. Don't ask. Don't tell baby. Mm-hmm We're going and I have to register as a Jew when I get there. Yeah, do you? Yeah, I love the SS in Ukraine No, they do dude. I don't know if that was true

I think it was a Ukrainian SS that like after the war they were still like no, but they're good They were the best one pretty cool even when they're so I think they're pretty cool guy. Yeah But to me they're good Especially the ones that killed the Friedland family Is that what didn't happen in the Ukraine? It happened there in the Ukraine. Yes, it did. Yes, it did I'm gay actor Michael Douglas and I'm gay actor. Hi, I'm gay actor Michael Douglas It did in fact happen in the UK. No, it didn't the Friedlitz were all killed in the Ukraine And they weren't Friedlitz. Shut up. My name is gay actor Michael Douglas

Yeah, I'm glad yeah, that's happy that people died Silver linings people that would have probably been hi, I'm gay actor Michael Douglas and I'm happy that people died All right, good night everybody