The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 130 – god’s country, ma’am

Episode Date: November 22, 2018

holding my cowboy hat to my chest as i eat a strange womans VUHgina

all the channels are on all right welcome to come town the podcast that everyone knows and loves how are you guys doing it's adam only to make up for the last few episodes where adam has not been on it the patreon dipped about 50 000 we're negative 10 000 right now because people were mad that i was gone i am legitimately down tens of thousands of dollars for the currencies so i'm making up for it by just wasting motherfuckers and red dead redemption which i would not be doing had i not lost money yes they certainly take it seriously here playing video games until i die yeah i think it's a good like insight into your psyche that losing tens of thousands of dollars that you kind of i've seen a calm go over you no damn headshot he's he was way

more mad when a bear landed on top of his hat no yeah in this game yeah well bear bear i fucking you break a horse and then the goddamn bears show up and great now we got law man coming from both sides all right man kill these law men and then time to put the game away no i the episodes have been great oh man we can't keep people can't keep playing fucking red dead the whole time people have been really into me just playing video games the entire time all right here we go next gonna shoot a blow man in his head they don't deliver here oh really god that's bullshit dude they delivered a bushwick and bedside i don't understand did i put the street in wrong maybe you did heart heart street i'm trying to fucking buy weed everywhere damn nick just did a headshot

he's pretty proud of i guess the weed delivery guy says that this street is off limits what the fuck dude i need weed this is bullshit i actually uh went to the dispensary last week with my sister the now fully legal oh yeah in vegas yeah vegas got weed and i was uh very disappointed because she said last time she was there there was she had a celebrity sighting and that celebrity was one of the property brothers whoa poking up buying nug how much some fucking dank nugs how much i don't know apparently he was with a hot girl who i can only assume is their shared wife i hope she was filled up i hope she was filled up i think i think yes they breastfeed off of that one oh god the is it still recording yeah we're still recording oh damn they shot the bear cap off

your head bitch also another thing i learned at the dispensary is that the band three eleven has their own strain of weed and that strain is called and you would you would think it's called amber or something right no but the strain is called beautiful disaster oh yes which is oh that's a song yeah i didn't realize it was a song it's a song i just thought it was just a famous 311 song no way amber is the color your energy is more famous whoa and then the cover of that color of my heart for the for 51st dates with adam samer oh yeah quality flick they did uh they did that cure song cover which one um what you know that one's what was it called you know what i'm talking tuesday i'm sucking dick no not that one now i'm sucking dick thursday forget about it i'm fucking

sucking cock right it's probably my name is zian i'm fucking gay nick and i were the cure for heterosexuality yeah exactly the cure was about they were about gay conversion but making everyone convert to being gay yeah that's what the cure is there should be a church we should start a church that does that it makes everyone convert to being gay yeah we can we can call it the church of adam freedland that would be you know i would i would be everyone's gay no but we make people pray away the straight man there is you pray away the street but in a bad way i didn't ask to be a clergy member but if you need me to step up whoa amber is the color of my dark ass piss whoa damn i think my kidney stopped working yep yep yep i just i'm panicking because i forget which reads were supposed to do

this week oh okay um you need a check uh yeah i guess i should go i heard i heard on the app that i wasn't on last week you guys did the reads for like an hour don't worry about what happens when you're not chill out man that's not about you i heard it was really good don't be hearing anything about them i don't know just go by it was great just go by your business or we'll have to spend you again the dow jones industrial average is a pretty good one one week suspension the gia the dow jones dow jones industrial average yeah what about it you know that it's the gia the gia the dgia mm-hmm damn looking like i'm down 400 points today oh my job well i'm what you refer to as an index an index is just a bunch of yeah it's a damn dude come on come on come on that's the kind of

joking that we can you stop being racist dude you come back from the show and we suspended you from being racist i got suspended you got a one week suspension for racism i had to go to my mom's house that's right think about it think about what you did um and now you start back up rob whoa i've never had sex with a woman oh it's like it's like whatever didn't i go i will always love you whatever we're damn now you're taking me back to bet the si and blue chew okay little that's a little bring it back to the class so you guys if you want to hear those yeah stay tuned because we got nothing going on until then uh dude i remember that i will always love you song dude i'm in eighth grade that was a cure song right absolutely no pussy whatsoever

on the horizon just thinking about girls that would never even kiss me and thinking about how i'll always love them i was just watching that movie 51st dates wondering if i can find a retarded girl today i'm a bitch with a fucked up brain did you hear i don't want to say his name but let's just let's we'll call him did you hear this did you hear the story about and i don't want to because it's like if it's not true it's wildly libelous yeah i don't remember the exact details but yes i have heard this story it unreal it truly unreal that is like the most scumbag thing i've okay well let's just say some guy no we can't even do that because if it's not true and we say that like that is that's a level where it's like we can say people are saying like trump people are saying

that allegedly allegedly no no no no but it's not about a real guy let's stop talking about this guy he i want to talk about something else a different you know people will put it together not even a real guy this is one that he did something so heinous that i don't even want to mention it in the fear that it's not true because it's like it would destroy his life all right what you have to do is take it you can't not say it i'm terribly confused you have to edit out the joke saying of his name make sure i do that i will make sure yeah we'll make sure because it's also hilarious yeah he had sex with a woman with down syndrome in the parking lot of a show of like an open oh my god

come on whoa retarded pussy is the sweetest pussy there is whoa i tricked her into my fucking i mean i look at all the crazy things i've heard like shitty comics have done yes to fuck a woman with down syndrome because she was like you are funny be like damn you want to come out of my car took her to the car the parking lot right she doesn't even get to go indoors take her to your fucking home for what i say look man she thought i had a good set there was a by the time she knew it was going on it was open you've heard that story yeah i have and and what's your take on it um i i got it there's more detail that i can't remember what more detail could there

possibly i think she was like hanging around i think it's where i think she was like kind of working on it oh i think that looks like hanging around he's like you look beautiful yeah dude he was sober yeah like this is this is a manslaughter this is premeditated this is murder one retarded pussy brother yeah retarded pussy one whoa yeah she really liked that part where i yelled really loud the car is hilarious damn suck my dick i am gay so boys what's going on what's on the docket what are we going for fucking thanksgiving boys huh i'm in town i'm here i think i'm going back to yeah i was out of town last week i might have to i'm gonna make i'm gonna tell everyone i know that i'm doing something with somebody else and then sit on

my couch and play red dead monster perfect the only thing i'm fucking thankful for i mean honestly this game is saving my life beautiful man i just like you can't fight it man there's nothing i want i just want to eat pills and play video games i know my brother came and we hung out and i've been kind of you know i wasn't smoking and i was trying out the like shit and then he came and i was like well my brother's here i have to get high all day and eat dumplings i was gonna say you look maybe two to four pounds lighter thanks man i have you know i maybe it's the color shirt that you're wearing i'm gonna catch flak like i always do because we have a lot of haters you're really trying to turn it around i am trying to turn my life around and i will say

i've had four smoothies in the last day i've been to planet fitness Astoria okay check my tag you fucking haters it has been fucking checked in the last two days and i spent over 25 minutes on an elliptical and stationary bike yeah it's still it i'm the king of low low basically low impact car the mayor on four square four hundred percent yeah i want to pay like a like a like an african man to come vacuum me yeah you gotta make sure i got pringles crumbs all over me just dead dead dead yeah do you think if i hire okay let's say that guy vacuums you do you think he would move my legs around as if i was on a bicycle yeah and that way i don't have to actually do it myself mm-hmm you think that would help that would be pretty sweet someone lifting the

weights for you yeah damn i had some some good things i wanted to bring to the show oh yeah we had it there was some some good riffs flying around before some news um i am now in contact with savage psycho joe oh that's big don't ruin it dude come on i would love to just surprise people by having him on and he says he will not do the show nice good job yeah well you said he's going to columbia he has to go to columbia to train i'm treating my clients models and important and important people you fucking mage george you're going to claim he would train me maybe that's what i need yeah i need savage psycho show nick fired up red dad again by the way i couldn't resist just letting you know you guys just literally this is five minutes i can't help myself it's like

the number one sign that i shouldn't start drinking again is like i just can't stop myself yeah i mean you put you put a bag of rhesi's miniatures in front of me five one of those guess who's guess who's going to see the mayor of rhesi's town guess who's going mr mullen's going to washington mr mullen goes to fucking the pentagon is to try and have sex with some of those children from the pizza place yeah that'd be funny to go there just start raping the male employees at gunpoint is this what it feels like man burkin the comet ping-pong pizza and raped every employee at gunpoint three honduran bus boys were raped at gunpoint i'd like bus boys a funny word you know yeah it sounds like if

uh if child porn was legal there would be a website called bus boys yeah just running a train on them uh everyone takes a ride on the bus hop in choo choo i'm gay everyone fuck this boys ass what the fuck dude i'm sorry i'm sorry you're wanted that are alive in those territories man i gotta pay an eighty five dollar bounty fuck i'm sorry that's fucking gay dude i agree i did nothing wrong except murder that family it'd be so sweet if you could murder a police officer and you just pay eighty five dollars that would be tight yeah mm-hmm damn i don't have another save either shit dude you're fucked shit you better stop playing for now no we're just gonna keep going we're gonna figure this out uh fuck okay uh what kind of pies do you guys like pumpkin

or sweet potato or do you go some kind of pecan situation i like a fruit pie yeah i bet you do let's shut it i said i said that on purpose looking for fruit no no i like um a man come pie no that's not that's not a fruit yeah it is whatever Adam you eat man bear and pie you can't make a pie out of that yes you can you do all the time enough man's come you do you have eight you're holding eight full-sized man come pies in your hand right now that is isn't he nick yeah probably less yeah you have a bunch of calm in your pants that you're drinking yeah that's in addition to the drinking out of my pocket you have a camel back you have a crazy you have a crazy straw that's going into your pants and it's drinking a bunch of other guys come out yeah i drink

i drink your semen i don't know why i'm drinking up i don't know why you'd be doing something like that yeah damn i'm just trying to get to the post office to pay this down bounty and now you're already wanted i've killed another man by accident oh no they're investigating i've ran over him with my horse shit you think you're gonna get rid of it uh i don't know dude i've fucked up so much this is like this is sort of like real life you know you do one crime and then that's how they get you in the system and once they get that's you take these young men and they put them in the system and then you know you go into you go you do a weekend in jail for shoplifting you get out what do you have to do next start raping people yep and it's not even your fault that's just that's

called being institutional yeah huh that's like that guy that old guy that hung himself from uh Shawshank he just couldn't stop raping and that's why he killed himself they want me to pay another twenty dollars now because that fucking asshole ran in front of my horse this is just like taxes dude you have to pay taxes in this game well it's technically a tax to ride your horse at the kind of speed you'd i'd enjoy mm-hmm as a man of the as a man of speed that's right as a fast boy all right pay bounty here you pay a bounty for yourself yeah yeah you clear your name you could just get you can commit a crime and then pay your way out of it yeah you can pay your way out of it that's great the free market that's capitalism i mean it kind of is it literally that was great

when you used to be able to like buy your way out of going to the civil war you're like no it makes sense god damn and it does make sense to me honestly you think the rich should be exempt from a military service yeah but the way we do it now where we don't have a draft anymore we just force poor people into the military by not giving them options yeah exactly mm-hmm yeah i agree i agree generally i guess damn what a gay ass country yeah and it's the best one and it sucks yeah that's true life maybe we should just go maybe we should go to a fucking Kuwait or Paris Paris Paris yeah you want to move to paris no that would suck i feel like i would get kicked out of paris

pretty quickly why would you get kicked out i keep saying n words in paris oh yeah buddy you'd be going up to caribbean guys and be like who let this i'm like no it's a song and there's so many black people there is a lot there's a lot yeah who let these it's like oh look i didn't understand what the song was about i thought the song was for guys like me uh you could do a whole series of those you know mm-hmm and words in uh Rome you know and oh just different cities yeah that's a good idea the n word yeah yeah well then where where do we relocate if america ain't it sis oh like yeah as a trio where do we go to

start our lives over um mogadishu somalia the three busketeers where do the three busketeers go where do we find d'artanian and fuck his ass the three um Elon musketeers yeah the three let's three lawn musketeer the three lawns musketeers and we have to dart teslian okay yeah okay dart teslian dart teslian nison stars uh-huh and the three lawn musketeers he plays all three musketeers yeah so take that president beavis just someone with like a giant brain tumor trying to go after the president this just doesn't make any sense no calling it beavis is good though no somebody had a tweet

because trump tweeted they were like nice to see uh little uh r democrat or you know democrat yeah shit adam shit that was awesome i know yeah it was hilarious and then somebody responded they were like hey president beavis it's adam shiff you think and it's like you he will rule forever beavis as in beavis and but yeah it's which is like such a weak this i know in response to adam shit the president is great on purpose spelling a fucking what is he a congress a congressman's name wrong spelling it shit yeah and he kept the sc a yeah yeah no for the plausible denerability yeah it's very funny yeah it is a good bit yeah great bit adam is funny everyone does it again yeah no he rules dude the thing he said about how finland ranks yeah they sweep between they

sweep their forest it's like and the guy the president from fridland's like i don't know what he's talking about like we have no idea what he's talking about so we don't sweep our forest we just like we're under snow half the year that's why we don't have fucking full forest fires they sweep all that shit up dude yeah he's he's the best i love him i don't know how you can't yeah i don't know how how you what kind of what kind of brain damage you have to have to not be completely in love with this absolutely to find no fault and right that is back everyone you find no fault dude everything that like every time he insults like something that people think is like a serious institution like he gave sheldon adelson's wife the presidential medal of freedom for no reason that's hilarious like

he he has oh yeah did people are mad he hasn't visited the troops yet but he like he just doesn't care yeah he just like makes everything that's like fake that we care about just look like he gave the medal of honor to babe ruth too and elvis just possibly wait wait he gave the medal of honor to elvis elvis and babe ruth yeah he's like we're gonna get elvis sheldon adelson's wife baby sheldon adelson's wife elvis and babe ruth i didn't know about elvis yeah and he was like when he was talking about babe ruth he was like not a lot of people know he used to be a pitcher yeah like everyone knows that man that's true that yeah literally everyone and he used to be a lot of people know that yeah that he i love him yeah look here's we got two guys just hanging out oh just he just

come upon two guys walking towards the woods together they're cruising they're definitely cruising i'm just fucking with you guy dude oh they just threatened nick with murder why antagonize them well what are you gonna do about it man you're gonna stop them with your horse you're gonna let those two guys about to hook up last warning dude yeah i know i antagonize them wow i love antagonizing people you're a rude guy man i know i love that you can be rude in this game listen i'm just being rude to people mail a rude letter to your mother mail a picture of your dick to your mom oh you guys ever accidentally send a dick pic to your mom of course everyone's done that accidentally yeah you might as well do it adam i've on purpose send a dick pic to both

of your moms yeah really i send a dick pic to charlie's uh charlie's there in the no different charlie's you don't know her she lives in canada lying about inventing a woman that you said you said an unsolicited dick pic to yeah yeah yeah i'm i forced a girl to look at my penis you don't know she goes to a different school yeah there's a girl i like you don't know her there's a girl i think is hot you don't know she's good yeah there's a woman i'm attracted to you've never even heard of such a woman jump off this bridge dude i should do you fuck it jump off dude jump off bro yes damn a fitting end yeah an end you deserve i'm really pissed off i had to pay that fine

sorry man that fucking sucks dude a hundred dollars that's a lot of money back then dude i was that's like 80 million dollars now for doing nothing wrong damn damn a quarter must you must have been rich with a quarter dude yeah i know so much sex back then if you had a full quarter if you flipped the coin that was a big dick move could you imagine dude if we flipped with a hundred dollar bills can you imagine having sex yes i do it often i imagine i would love to have sex i would love to experience that at some point in my life i think i'd like to have sex soon as well yep the more i think about it in fact i would like to place a bet oh i see you want to have sex god damn finally break time

we're finally ready to clock out whoo all this hard podcasting we're having to talk about my favorite website bettsi.com dude i love it personally yeah they've been in business over 20 million years since the dinosaurs back when the dinosaurs took a big gamble on whether or not that asteroid they could stop yeah a lot of people don't know this but i'm what you refer to as a some type of one of these weird new types of christians to think that the jews in the bible are actually dinosaurs which they are the old testament the dinosaurs were actually the original reptilian jews that we all know about now as you know controlling everything but they they all uh they would bet in uh the temple which god god was mad about but some of the jews

would bet on bettsi.com which was actually back in it was in business back yeah it's been in business that long it was 20 million years that's incredible it was the only website and it's uh that's why to this day it's no jews allowed bettsi does allow this that was that's right well it's a german company and a lot of people think that's the reason that they have explicit antisemitic rules move on to talking about the ad it's german start talking about the copy please they've been in business over 20 years and they do allow jews now they do now they do yeah we we wrote a strongly worded letter i was like listen up you fucking you threatened uh they're like wow these are pretty strong words we better rethink our position on the dinosaurs i guess it has been 20 million years

bettsi is the premiere sports book betting website it is you go there you play bet win they got a mobile app that's easy to use awesome customer service 24 seven customer service call them up anytime any fucking place anywhere call them up in the library and if they shush you you'd be like bitch shut the fuck up bitch i'm on the phone i'm talking about my bet i'm on the i'm on the god damn phone fuck you you 65 year old bitch i'm on the phone i'm on the phone i'm on the phone i'm on the phone in the library that's where i make my fucking calls because it's fucking quiet in here you dumb bitch because i don't want to be interrupted by loud ass people on the fucking street that's why

i come in here to call bettsi's customer service department 24 fucking seven i don't give a shit the library closed 10 minutes ago you can suck my fucking dick i'm calling customer service at bettsi.com they got a good ass history of paying winners and picking up the mother fucking phone they love phone calls call them up they offer live in-game wagering yes so you can fucking you can change your mind which i love doing hedge on a bet i hate i hate making the decision yep nothing worse crypto is failing now take your money out what do you mean we're doing the read man take your money out put it on bettsi.com no it's also like i'm i'm what you call a influencer

so i'll say this buy now by what buy but now is the time to buy cryptocurrency more than ever look and fuck that coinbase shit don't go on there and spend 145 on ethereum no you come to me i'll sell it to you buy for me directly buy for me directly i'll fucking otc you that shit for 250 dollars each easy that way you're paying that's how you know you're getting the good shit that's right cheap out and you buy the cheap ethereum you're a fucking idiot no nix got the problem i got some i got some fucking bags to dump on you if you want that's right but don't do that for first first go to bettsi.com and lose all your money they have to make all your money make all your money make a lot of money remind her it is literally impossible to lose yeah yeah it is very

possible to lose juice are allowed and it's possible to lose so when you sign up make sure you use promo code cum120 so they know we sent you and when you sign up you've got some options you can either play and cash out or you can take the bonus dollar sign i love that shit which is like getting a casino comp up front before you've played at the tables that's so true imagine getting money someone just a big titty fucking bitch huge you can see your nipples one of the tears the world the just a nice like fluid rock just every step it's like a water bed yeah you think a t-rex is fucking cool you have to be very quiet don't make don't make a move don't touch your titty you'll come in your pants if you make a noise this is the world's most perfect big shaky tits

it's love it and she walks up to you and she's like here's some money sweetheart and then you're like oh god what's wrong with you and she's like i've been with a lot of men there's a lot of cum on my tonsil yeah it's like damn so it's going to be good but i'll never be able to have feelings for you perfect that's a little lesson for the ladies win win around here you know you think like look we've learned not to slut shame you out loud but hey do you think we're sticking around trust me we are not sticking around anyways bet the si you take the bonus money which is like that bitch that nicks not sticking around we're not sticking around for that bitch but i'll tell you sticking around bet the si because they've been in business over 20 years so if you're

going to be in the sports book which is where we like to gamble we love to gamble we love gambling in the sports book use promo code cm 120 up to a thousand dollars are going to give you 60 bonus cash which would turn a thousand into sixteen under to play with so once again that's bet the si dot com com 120 let's start the show but i'm gonna read that every time i love reading that part i feel like lewis bet the ravens lamar jackson i'll tell you what i'll tell you what doggie oh yeah you guys got your picks yeah play bet the ravens lamar the lamar errors here mm-hmm flat games out the door flat games old news and then continue to bet the milwaukee bucks yannis is a juggernaut fuck the whole team yep et cetera suck cetera fuck me eat my pussy

get hetera get hetera dude et cetera get hetera i i love fucking and eating but i i just came in my pants tonight it must have been from getting here i just came in my pants tonight she sucked my dick through my pants i wish i had never had sex it'd be nice if i had just never fucked and then i could delude myself into thinking i was pretty good at it like being a race car driver you think i'll never do that so i get to sit here and think like yeah i'd probably be pretty good at that imagine if you just never fucked you'd be like yeah i'm like dude i'm awesome at fucking no you would you would want to hang yourself 24 seven yeah no i already be terrified of sex it would be worse dude believe me as a man who didn't fuck till late in life yeah and who now is making

up time yeah but that never ends i know it sucks it's a i know i should probably look for a meaningful relationship but in the meantime that's so worth it is you're gonna get tired of fucking and then you're gonna try and have a meaningful relationship and you realize none of these women want to be with you that's not sure it's absolutely true they don't try and drag me in the no no nicks right they're just in it for your body a great cock yeah people want this incredible cock i mean 75 kind of like that women are like you know you just got to like try everything listen bro if someone wants to check fat bald and toothless off their wrist DM me yeah however i still think i have a lot to offer and i am a good partner and i will have a meaningful relationship with plenty of therapy

that will work through my issues and i will be there and i will and there will be a day where i wear a nice cozy sweater and my wife has a similar one and we our family comes over and we all hug and everyone's happy but until then i'm gonna be fat bald and toothless i'm gonna suck on nipples through my tooth hole but then you're gonna be skinny and have hair and stuff i might have hair when you get that sweater if the plugs are good i mean i'm probably gonna be listen i'm gonna be a little fat for the rest of my life obviously but i don't want to be this fat forever mm-hmm i'd like to be slightly less fat than this big arms no titties that's all a little tummy you would actually sort of start looking like savage psycho joe if you let him train you i want to be trained by him

i would love to be one of his clients he needs to after columbia needs to come here dude this crypto shit is hilarious are people like you know there are people losing so much goddamn money which is like that that's usually i mean i said jokingly this is the time to get in but like i think about it in the years prior the best times to buy were when you would see nothing but like people posting the suicide hop right right right right right that's that's when you know the market's bottomed is when people are like please don't kill yourself man please there's stuff to live for buy my bitcoin off me before killing yourself how can we get rid of this fucking poison is the silk road still around no no dude i got that was years ago got shut down

now where do you buy drugs on on the internet the bitcoin used to be a thing there were people like oh yeah there's a lot of value in that pretend money to buy child porn and drugs with yeah and then it was like you know oh well the value is going to go up once it's legitimized or whatever and then silk road went away that kind of crashed the price a little bit this exchange got hacked around the same time oh yeah i remember that that was an issue but yeah i did that but it's like now bitcoin has zero utility it was it's like the only people talking about bitcoin or any kind of cryptocurrency they'll like pretend like they give a shit about the project and use the language of like you know i really believe in this project and it's like how many other

companies are you invested in how many companies are you legitimately invested in or are you just tricking yourself into thinking you're not waiting to just dump the fucking bags on somebody else it's it's entirely just gambling and hoping that there's going to be another rush of like idiots trying to get rich quick and then you just con them right wait what is this so you literally cannot use it for anything you can but it's like it's slow i think it's not bitcoin atm in minhat and the thing is it's like like people are like oh it's decentralized and like some of them are private and it's like facebook and social media proves that people don't actually give a shit about privacy right nobody fucking cares the only thing that matters is convenience so for like regular

regular people the only thing they care about is the convenience of it and it's like nobody's ever going to see bitcoin as like something that has its own value separate from the dollar they don't even do that with like forex markets really i mean like you think about you know it's like translating something to a second language in your fucking head we're in australia we're in japan i'm not thinking about how much yen things cost i'm like right right right what's the dollar equivalent of this so i like any idea that like crypto would be used purely as a currency is like a stupid idea even like the ones that are strictly currencies they were designed to be used as currencies like i think nano and some other shit are just like those are that is that one named after

your dick no it's my the one named after my dick is uh it's got double nano no micro nano what's i i'm trying to think of a name that sounds like a crypto name but implies that i had sex with your mom good luck bitch yeah that sounds pretty specific yeah anyways it's that no i think i think the nano is named after i know i'm heavily invested in in venetia in venetia that is yeah yeah there it is did you see that movie finding nanos about nick trying to find his dick i think he has to swim around the ocean look for his little ass dick like where'd it go nano why why is your impression of me just a more adam version of yourself because it was here i am here's me the dad in finding nemo is elliot guld i think i believe no i don't think it was it wasn't

elliot guld is too old dude yeah you can't no you know who was it was it was um it wasn't elliot no no no it was fucking steve um uh carrell no guttenberg steve guttenberg it was no no way he's retired no it was guttenberg look it up bitch oh no he's not retired uh fucking uh look it up shut the fuck up why you guys tell me to shut up just shut up oh man fuck you fuck you i'm on the fucking phone bitch that's a live phone you dumb bitch i'm at the fucking library make it a phone bitch fuck you fuck you you bitch that fucking rules telling a library in this shut up shut up fuck you go fuck yourself they call a customer service department oh i got it wrong yeah

demo was played by someone named alexander guld oh so you read it bitch you didn't know it intuitively damn that's weird that you forgot which one of your cousins played demo which one of the guld brothers yeah and guttenberg was the dad right no the dad was was the dad crush no crush was the turtle who was steve guttenberg what was the name of the dad how about steve eating turds that's good yeah um these are good turds these are great turds these are really good turds hey tom sellick hi i'm chinese actor michael douglas would you like some of these turds oh it was albert brooks yeah i was thinking the wrong old they sound the same yeah i was doing bergen albert brooks sound the same i was thinking the wrong old jew whatever dude

yeah i was closer what a gay actor michael douglas he's in a new movie on on netflix that looks like well she gave her an amazingly funny like the guy from uh two and a half men wrote it chuck lori really yeah chuck lori's right in books or movies yeah right in books now damn it's him and uh i'm in a show called two and a half inches and it's about adam growing his dick to the size of your dick of two and a half inches yeah it's about adam growing his dick to the size of your current dick it's about you guys putting your dicks together to equal one of my dick so you meant your dick is two and a half inches it's all relatively fucking idiot now you guys get to the side you have a two and a half inch dick wow by the way my dick is two

and a half inches and adam's dick is zero inches so our dicks are the same size if it's zero inches then it's no dick you know what exactly i have to give me at least point zero zero zero one obviously you don't understand how values work yeah you don't understand you don't understand you can't say to a woman that she has a small dick if she doesn't have a dick you could if you wanted to no it's not small it doesn't exist you could if you wanted to yours are flat your dick looks like it's drawn on your pubic bone from the like forward perspective yeah yeah yeah your dick comes out as much as lead comes out on paper after you've written something your dick is contoured it's basically two dimensional adam has a youtube channel where he's like okay today

we're going to contour a dick you're going to draw my dick drawing drawing it onto his balls time lapse of him drawing a dick under his balls i think that would be an incredibly powerful page i'm doing a makeup tutorial about it for men in the community men who have lost their penis yeah i'm uh i'm in a part of the dickless community in san frangelo the dickless i'm actually part of the dickless community that would make sense i i've long said that guy shouldn't have a penis that character yeah oh here's these guys again you should fuck them up dude the guys go to the forest to talk yeah the guys are having a conversation out in the woods those guys are so totally cruel couple brothers having some brother chat i guess

it would be easy to have gay sex in the old west yeah i want to do you know what we should do after this get some lav mics we can watch no country for old men and just be just be shocked at the gay sex they're like what oh what wait is there gay sex in no country i know sorry i am thinking broke right now but you know what i should do is take heller high water and edit in scenes from broke back mountain heller high water rocked by the way yeah it's great i'm gonna be ruled so much as good as uh my favorite movie beauty and the beast that's your favorite they're very similar in what sense uh this guy needs help he's gonna try and rob me i'll put it get out on him the shoddy in his face uh oh this guy's trying to rob nick let's see what he's trying he's a

scammer yeah maybe he's acting like he's sad but he's trying to rob nick is pulling nicks character is pulling his pants down and he's on all fours yeah my character is sucking a dick i'll lead the man to strawberry what if your penis tasted like a strawberry would you suck it uh would you would you at least take your finger and take juices and do one of those adam you first adam you can't use the phone while i'm playing video game i was just yeah come on man i just adam answer my question adam we got cut scenes going on this this this dumb guy i went to college with has written three movies and he's sending it to my friend to get his opinion on and so we're all i'm very excited to read his movies yeah um but answer my question what's the question if your dick tasted like a strawberry

would you suck it or at the very least would you run your finger across the head and then put your finger in your mouth to get a little bit of the flavor i mean why not there's really no there's no i don't know there's no what's the what's the what's the bad part of that scenario also would probably be warm which is not the way you typically interact i got i've gotten head but like i've gotten tip before in a self-sucked scenario when i was younger and more limber i don't think i could do it anymore yeah also it was weird to have a penis in my mouth well not for you the first time it was yeah but you've gotten used to it since right what do you mean nick would you suck your own dick if it tastes like strawberries it's not a good um our own dick if it tasted like strawberries

yes thank you i would suck my own dick if it tasted like um like a shit of another man's ass would you do a lot well you gotta clean it you gotta clean it off ah boys boys boys boys boys boys damn uh you know what tomorrow is right what it's thursday oh yeah that's true great day to buy some boots wait i thought it wasn't thursday i thought it was a great day tomorrow is tuesday to chew things no it's not actually oh what we already chewed things for two days two days this month okay oh that's all we get wow i love thursday boots do we have a boot company now yes yeah do you fucking asshole of course we do not only do we we're all wearing them right now and our feet feel great and they're very comfortable yeah isn't that right adam yeah

i'm wearing them right now that's right thursday boots you fucking asshole why don't you just wait until i say the thing instead of i'm just i didn't know we have come on man yes you did because you're wearing them right i'm wearing them right now yeah i told i would they offered uh free boots or whatever and i was like i'll send adam down to pick out a pair because adam likes boots yeah i have i have those uh shoes those boots already i gotta get rid of clothes actually i just got rid of a butt um and you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna go throw out all my clothes and get more boots well i'm gonna go around completely nude because thursday boots guarantees you will not be arrested if you walk around nude in their boots there's not guarantees

no trust me this brand new sponsor that we have that will probably listen to this ad that is yeah yeah the brand new sponsor they want you to know thursday boots are so warm that if you go outside completely naked not only will you not get cold it'll make your dick look bigger it'll make thursday boots the two main selling point is these boots well we're leading off with yeah it'll make your dick look bigger and you're gonna walk around nude in them and they'll keep you warm yeah and keep your whole body warm whole body warm in fact thursday boots has has a new program now where if you buy one pair of boots they'll match it by giving 19 pairs to homeless men willing to be completely completely nude and we're running in a big looking dick just just

chunky that is you know i'm talking about yeah just a dick looking like a big old pile of vomit and people are like damn that guy's dick is ugly but those are some nice boots some warm looking boots and he's like can i go inside please mr i was wondering if you had any inside for a man like me he said oh well you're gonna have to take those boots off in the house he's like i'm gonna stay out here with my pile of vomit dick thank you with my chunky looking because it's thursday and i'm wearing my thursday boots so a lot of people want to know where the name of the company comes from yes of our sponsor thursday boots ad read starting now where does it come from if anyone is listening from the company i love thursday boots tell us about it oh it's

actually in it's actually in the copy the brand started in 2014 the name thursday came about because on thursday you work hard but it's also the unofficial start of the weekend that is true bitch i'm fucking rich thursday it's been a weekend for me since 1995 yep you know i'm saying your family won that lawsuit from that guy the molester yeah since i was molested by bam margera and i took all of his it's been a tough time for bansons check mate yeah come on judge yo i'm bam and this is touch a little boy's penis it was about that time that jackass took a turn for the worst yep bam margera getting the show canceled you're watching the history of jackass is there a promo code sex lies steve oh we're good this is for sure the last read they ever no no no no i'm uh they're

they're cool no they are legitimately cool they're cool it's a cool company and they're good boots it seems like not for real a lot of people are wearing them hell yeah i went to my cousin's birthday and i was gonna because you know i think they like we get like a hook up or whatever and uh i like i was just gonna fucking be a cheapskate and just get my cousin free boots or whatever from the company had already bought boots from them damn yeah so that's why you're talking about my aunt and my aunt like bought him like a gift certificate of this company so i guess people i mean he's getting out yeah everybody yeah everybody knows and now they're gonna now everybody listens to come town is gonna get a brand new pair of fucking boots and if for their birthday if you fucking

pieces of shit sit here and laugh at the ad and you don't purchase the boots you're the read arrested you're gonna we're gonna fucking call the police on that's right you're fucking listen to this show for free and don't buy the products that's stealing mm-hmm this is emotional labor mm-hmm yes thursday boots are built for men and women who understand quality and non-binary which sounds like yeah and non-binary and trans thursday boots are built for men and women and you know if you're in the middle of getting shit cut out or put on you getting your shit cut up mm-hmm getting uh uh uh there cut that's what i call it wow nick have you said that before there cuts wow that's good yeah i just gotta go

in to get my there cut you know a little bit of that yeah a lot of people get a circumcision i got a circumcision you know circumcision circumcision that's really hey marise with that beautiful circumcision wow it's the craftsmanship yeah on the old chop top down here new Orleans is getting my circumcision yeah so i've been here at la foie plantation for 280 years they bring the slaves by and i perform the circumcision please buy thursday boots everyone i like that guy he's like a uh louisianna man who comes from a long line of guys who would circumcise slaves that's his family my name is pierre

circumcision and i'm here for thursday boots stuff made in the same north american manufacturing facilities as the heritage brands your parents and grandparents wore themselves for two or three times the price oh so i guess yeah i don't know i mean i don't know that good shit yeah they're better value better materials you get the good like the famous uh chrome excel leather from the whore wean tannery in chicago the best that i'm sure that's like a part of some of the copy that they want read yeah i chrome excel leather from whore wean tannery whore wean for i'm sorry isn't every halloween whore wean these days oh yeah the way these bitches got their titties out it is yeah

i'll tell you that much who reminds me i'm still i'm still enjoying calling the women's march the slot wall it's good that's good okay it's a good thing to do anyways prices start at 149 and they got free shipping and returns love it thursday boots are the best buy for this winter i mean they're clean timeless design and durability thursday boots will keep you get this fucking shit out of my fucking face sorry google docs was giving me a fucking asshole i hate where the fuck was i with these my own words where was i as i was about to say were spontaneously read words out of my own fucking are out of my own brain a lot of people don't know but i actually think in mandarin chinese and i have to furiously just write out everything that i'm thinking into

english it's unbelievable to watch him work yeah including this thing that he's doing right now right he's saying that all these words i'm also playing harpsichord behind my back yeah you can't hear it i haven't muted mm-hmm it's beautiful though i can see the way his fingers move yeah you get glow gliding across the yeah well if i'm doing the harpsichord and translating sometimes i mess it up prices starting at 149 free shipping returns thursday boots are the best buy for this winter and with their clean timeless design their ability thursday will keep you standing comfortably for years to come and you know what they're good for sitting too oh yeah sitting on your face sitting on your shoes sit on my face while we're in a pair of thursdays they're doing that yeah sit on

styles they make uh they make belts oh i guess they don't do sales or discounts so their their profit margins are probably pretty low considering these materials so that's the good shit but if you go to thursdayboots.com slash town town yeah i don't they i guess yeah they they they they definitely had somebody buying the ad and then they didn't want they're like what's the name of it town yeah it's thursdayboots.com slash town and get free shipping and returns that's great so use use the link that yeah use that one anyways no i mean i do you know mac welden has has good underwear and thursday boots is good shoes that is good dick pills yeah genuine genuine endorsement we're real customers of these things yeah i mean i legitimately yeah i've seen them shits around for real i i do i

do care about adam being a bitch and trying to ruin the ad at the beginning oh yeah i apologize for that aside these are wonderful products these are wonderful products but i just didn't look at their website let me see your titties thursdayboots.com and they also have a bunch of products you could take care of your boots and leathers yeah adam's proud of the expensive boots that he stole from like a black lost and found or something a couple years ago it was in my apartment building exactly and it wasn't what do you mean a black lost even i was gentrifying some Caribbean boys could have been wearing those boots man those boots were bought by someone lost and found for black people we'll see about that when i do what is it to be a lost and great you have a box it just says

black lost it found it's just completely empty uh fuck i was laughing the other day about black synagogue uh-huh you know as people say black church is so fun yeah i'd love to go to black synagogue and they're like yeah just waiting to collect that grand money can't wait to get my hands on that money collecting the rent good lord please bring me the rent so i can hang all about x bar coupons the good lord gave us these coupons good times easy credit rip off i also like the idea of a black church where they only sing the theme songs to black tv shows man easy credit rip offs good times ain't we happy we got a miller boy ad production as we'd say ladies and gentlemen black church is a miller boy ad production filmed in front of a

live studio audience god damn i would love to go to black synagogue yeah black synagogue would be pretty damn funny get in the building condemned get in the building condemned i was selling nick earlier today but uh i was stuck in line at the supermarket a couple days ago behind this guy arguing that his coupon wouldn't scan and it took about 10 minutes for him to save 50 cents oh my god on a on a on a gallon of ice cream she's 50 cents he's like if you're gonna print the coupons you're making a promise to the customers he said that he's like this coupon represents a promise and you've liked me you've liked me i was just in line i just wanted to be like kark he doesn't represent oh my god i'm so mad i wasn't that generation that generation is like

almost nearly not letting anyone know that happened no i was with my grandma actually and she was even like jesus christ was wrong your grandma was in the holocaust she's like she's like this sucks that's so funny and i was like should we move to another line but we're next in line so it's like that like i should just wait it out other people are getting out of line oh my god it was not good for the people not good for our people a promise to the customer you've made a promise to me and the rest of the customers that we get 50 cents off this generic vans flavored flavored vanilla ice cream it's the vans ice cream it's not even like a name brand oh my god that rules brutal that absolutely rules those guys are almost nearly dead like that's it's it's just like a

collection of like and they deserve to die thank god when they go it's going to be like uh oh yeah everyone's gonna lose your cool no no no they're leaving us in a universe where they think where everyone thinks we're like that i would be honest with you dude that day i was with you at guitar center i was like fuck oh yeah when i was asking the guy that was that was insane i was like it does have scratches on the back i know that was fucking insane dude they'd been closed for five minutes no that this guy doesn't make commission they just were like a retail employee and adam's like i don't know can i take another picture of it and send it to my other friend you know like it was it it was already six hundred dollars off this guitar that probably six hundred dollars off

you're exaggerating do you still have the guitar did you return it no i have the guitar obviously shred alone when dasha leaves the house i take all my clothes off shred alone um when my girlfriend's gone hanging out with her platonic she swears male friends yeah i play my song no she's just friends with drunk girls and mean gay guys what's what's going on with this totem pole okay let's take a look at this we have a look see we're gonna do some experiments wow you can't climb this fucking mountain bitch yes i can no you can't i can do anything i set my mind to that's the thing of people don't believe in me but i've proven that despite being completely able bodied in a straight white man i have accomplished almost nothing that all it took was just sort of

hanging out until i got lucky despite everyone saying that that's how the world works i somehow found the courage kind of staying in the mix that just one of the most retarded projects i've ever done catching on for some reason of all the things i've spent hours like writing and editing and like really working on now a podcast i've got a little less penis boop boop bad times small dick is brought to you by some crest white strips uh easy credit rip off suck my suck my little please suck on my dick suck my beautiful little penis it's small but it's tasty it looks beautiful why did it go into a widescreen while you were

on the practice skull off that mountain you're supposed to be able to just go into that cinematic mode and hold x and it'll go along the road for you but i guess that's not working so you just rode the horse off the cliff damn rock star games man i've been messing up my r's and l's lately it's japan dude i know do that to you fuck japan i'm a man of the world i actually looked up why that happens why because it doesn't happen with all words sometimes they can make the r sound and they don't flip it so what is it i think it's when it words end in those in those letters mm-hmm they don't have words that end in like l they only have words that end in r maybe the other way around uh-huh and so that's why they do it they naturally flip it um they do it with every

fucking word from what i know they don't sound like you look it up at all yeah they were like you have no idea what the fuck you're talking about i did look it up well then you didn't take you didn't retain on how come every japanese bitch i spoke to you there was like you know saying like crass loom and shit they don't say i they don't say i love you they say i they can say i love you no they can't they don't say rove yeah they do no they do no they don't you're absolutely wrong sorry you paid one prostitute who can say her l's to say she loves you over and over again i'll look it up again i should have retained more information so i guess you should have before bringing it up on our show yeah i guess we had a promise to a fucking listeners that we will educate them

this is the news we got some legendary legendary moose activity going on here this moment everyone's been waiting for on the show the legendary moose that's what i call my dick yeah the let's be cool tight to have a moose shaped dick legendary moose come suck this legendary moose bitch that is good i'm about to let the legendary moose out of my jeans you fucking whore the legendary juice oh come get this juice from the moose yeah juice the moose bitch i love i love feeding my juice to whore i tell you there's one thing whores can't get enough of it's my fucking juice my fucking juice

whore damn i juice the moose bitch you got juiced why don't you come juice my moose my you fucking slut i'm trying to get my moose juice yeah that's a good one that's good that's good you guys you you're welcome you're welcome for that one guys you're welcome for juice the moose wow you killed a little baby bear dude yeah i love killing baby bears little bear cubs getting their shit fucked up on me can you eat the bear meat they'll champion circumcision circumcision yeah let's go back to that guy i'm at that happened during the read but i love that guy i love it i love it i've been i've been oh my family my father worked on the four plantation here came up with the idea of cutting off the slaves penis

to prevent them from having a bigger penis because there's they would disrespect the house you know what'd be funny yeah if like they were like let's try out slavery right and then so they go get a black eye and they take his clothes off and put it on the auction block but he just says like the world's smallest dick and they're like oh we can't do that to these people oh so you think slavery is penis envy they happen to see one guy with a big ass dick yeah they're like oh fuck this man you gotta get a job bitch i'm gonna get your money you're gonna walk around with a cock like that just not have fucking monday through friday locked up i'm sure that like hotel hotel facebook memes definitely

say that what's that i'm sure that like hotel facebook memes definitely say like they sold us into slavery because our penis was we're too good you think so probably adam beats off to those pages i don't do you seriously to reading the word penis that's so weird out it's crazy that you admitted that just no come on you like to read the word penis it was funnier when i said that but i masturbate to the word penis that might i hate to admit this that's pretty fucking gay dude here we go dude i got some i got some moose evidence over here so juice my moose juice my moose hey come on over here juice my moose baby girl i got it oh sorry what what do you have to do i have to go what time is it um how long we've been doing

we're 106 it's five okay i just gotta be at the show at 6 30 oh yeah the gay sex show yeah yeah as a matter of fact it is gay saxival gay saxivus for the rest of the east village gay saxival Monday through Friday gay saxivus for the rest of it i'm opening for a margaret show and guy you're opening for your own ass yeah and a bunch of other guys um okay be gone adam about margaret showed that's good bro hey well adam's leaving i want to let you guys know to make sure to come to my fucking shows i'm on long island on the 30th go to stavey.biz for that shit i think i think huntington art center or something no that's wrong uh just look it up but in dc the seventh and eighth come to those fucking shows i'm headlining a whole weekend at a club i'd love to

see you there i'm in indy on the 13th fucking cincinati on the 14th columbus on the 15th and i think i'm adding cleveland on the 16th and then uh look out for that la show february second so buy tickets to all those and we got more stuff coming up pittsburgh buffalo all that shit put together bitch so please come to my shows now please continue with margaret showed margaret showed and uh what the fuck did she say oh my penis why my penis so why but it's very sure what is that i thought i told you to leave adam what is that toothpaste you have dude you have like muslim toothpaste in your bathroom toothpaste no i just saw it in his bathroom why are you mad at his toothpaste man i'm not mad at i've just never seen the brand

daeber toothpaste sounds like you're pretty mad debour toothpaste i don't know it's something like red clay shit that's i don't know it's like it tastes like big red oh really yeah yeah it's cinnamon that sounds awesome wait how do you know that it said cinnamon on the tube did you taste it were you in the bathroom eating my toothpaste no i was taking it he's like making fun of that jewish guy he's like oh we're dinner for free a lot of people eat toothpaste from as me no they don't yes that's true oh shit a moose oh was that a moose you almost got stomped all right yo i'll see y'all all right are we at an hour we're over an hour we're at 10 minutes over now all right we'll fuck it all right shows over shows over guys see you next time see you jive ass something