The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep 134 – Sargon My Dick

Episode Date: December 20, 2018

Sarg it please

Motherfucking come down and fucking it. I'm heated a great miscarriage of fucking justice just transpired Fucking piece of shit out of number one greatest injustice in American history probably Emancipation proclamation. Okay, and what's in what sense? number two Murder of Lee Harvey Oswald by Jack Ruby Jack Ruby. Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want to I? I think it was incredibly unfair that I beat you guys fuck shut the fuck up. No, I agree with you We're losing the whole all on the same side shut the fuck up. I don't I don't care. I wasn't even trying to win Okay, fuck you man

I wanted the game gave you three fucking stars and it tried to give you more but your dumbass didn't have enough fucking I would add two more stars shut up We're arguing about Mario Party a game. We're in the Mario Park shut up. It's for the grown-up It's for everyone everyone do though. What do you think the e on the box stands you said to me that Rocket League was for babies And that's not adult in this game for everyone just like this Sucked Cocket League, which is a game you play in your apartment. That's right. Anyways You put suck put none a year on all fours and you put little dildos on the end of truck Oh, I'm like you have radio control put another man's penis in a roller skate and he slides across the floor

Your Yeah remote controlled cars. That's the word. I was anyway RC yeah, and they play a little Mario Party relaxing having a great time She's really reflecting stealing coins from Adam some of the controversy this week You know as you know Milo or Milo was banned from patreon and then Sargon Sauron I believe Sauron the eye of my dick the eye of I don't know. I think he's like a wizard eyes and gone It's like a cock on eyes and God. He got he was kicked off

casting a spell No, I mean because like a couple of people are mad and they're trying to they're pointing out that like why is it that he gets Kicked off and we don't mm-hmm and just to make it clear. It's because We're the good guys and he has a little we're on the right side of history You say like well, he's sarcastically used racial slurs and you sarcastically use racial slurs I have never once ever used a racial slur I'm gonna go on the record right now and say you will be hard-pressed to find any evidence of me using any kind of slur and

And honestly this suggestion of that first of all out of context insults. It's doctored. No, we're doing. Yeah Yeah, it's a classic case of everything's been doctored. In fact in doctored. I brought in one of my Closest friends you may have seen him on one of those Fox UFO debunking yes Who's here to You know might know his work from proving that the moon landing is fake. He's a debunking expert That's right, and he's looked over some of these tapes his name is Richard Faggot Nagar That's just his name. He's an Italian man. Okay, and we don't have to say it again. Okay. Well, I mean, it's just it's a

traditional Italian He's what part of the boot is he upset because his name is dick. Yeah, I guess dude come on Enough enough of that enough for the poo poo stuff. Anyways, he's he's clean he's because honestly like you know people have been trying to get us kicked off patreon and I I pay this man, but also he's my friend and he's looked over the tapes and he said conclusively Through his transitional aviator sunglasses and fishing vests That not only are these tapes of me doctored

Mm-hmm, but that the moon landing never happened, and there's no such thing as black women He also said that really that is doctored that they're doctored Are actually doctored and they do not women only the women there are black guys, of course Don't be ridiculous. Okay. All right. Just what are we living in some kind of fantasy land over here? Of course, there's black My friend is not insane. Yeah, whose name I will only say the one time That is just his name that is he came here. No, okay No, he wrote a letter, okay? I mean, ah, yeah, read the letter

That's the sound of paper being Crinkle crinkle Audience you're good points dear sir and madam. That's me. Okay. You're both Oh, yeah, we have reviewed the evidence presented by the YouTube council of gaming and Kotaku The Holy Defenders of Sargon the n-word the n-word sayer The Sargon the mage of n-word saying the dark mage Yeah, and it has been proven without question These tapes like black women in the moon landing are severely doctored

yours truly Dr. Richard that's how we can stop Yes, could you please not say my name on the show I Get a lot of angry letters from people that think I'm not Italian. Yeah, I think I'm doing it a mean joke about Italian names Yeah, that's the mean joke in that one. Yeah, so we thought we'd address that it's because you know like yeah We had to get that out pretty principled guys, you know absolutely and things like freedom of speech They matter to us And it's specifically our own freedom of speech to getting the fuck

He's getting tomorrow each from our party. I bet her pussy is Just delightfully You know a hundred people like peach fuzz. Yeah The inside of her pussy feels like two peaches feels like the peach from call me You can't yeah, where call me. I call me if you can that movie where we're Leonardo DiCaprio is being pursued by My army in a gay way Tom Hanks is trying to have gay sex Yeah, call me chasing on a bicycle. Yeah, yeah, the Italian countryside Well, we're looking for this boy Frank Abagnale, Jr. And when I find him I'm gonna hold him down and fuck him

My name is agent Tom Hanks of the federal Bureau of Investigation He's got a boss an accent. Yeah. Yeah, knock knock. All right. All right P. Back to Penny Marshall, too Speaking of some thanks bangers. She did. I didn't realize she did big and league of their own Those are some hard dick-ass movies. Yeah, yeah rocks dude two of the five that stops You want to play another round bitch? Let's go. Um, the yeah The league is good. Also, Penny Marshall was a big fan of come town, too. Yeah on the record. It's true So thanks for that of a cod Yeah, that is fucking such a dumbass name there's names I don't get what it is something what is his deal

I don't know. He's racist and a gamer. He's racist and a little ass. Oh, I literally have no idea Or is he not racist? No, he's definitely racist. Oh, I think he's racist. He's racist and a fucking and he named And people say the shit whatever the fuck his name is with a straight face Sorry god of a gun fucking Pudgy-ass bridge. Yeah, call him his real fucking name I like that like because of Podcasting guys like us and him go from people who would have just been working at the mall for the rest of their lives Like I would be in GameStop being like look at that fucking loser that works in the sword store

Yeah, it would have been Sargon. Yeah, it would have been Sargon But seriously free his name tag says Carl and he keeps changing it to Sargon And his boss is like Carl Carl. I take you and you fire Carl. You do that one more time We're gonna have to let you go the mall management says that women have complained and they can't they don't know your real name You keep looking when they file sexual harassment complaint We don't know what they ask for directions how to get to the hallmarks And you answer with a riddle that involves the size of your penis Stop making them guess how

When I'll never do it again I want to be sucked Dickey. Oh, so my dick. I would just go by Adam. I'm gonna be glans d'orff I want to be hard Dickey. Oh Glans D'orff glans D'orff and hard Gandalf. It's that his name. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the white way is Gandalf in the white wizard I want to be comes back the white. I want to be sucked. I suck dick bull door suck dick bull door Dumb dumb Who apparently Dumbledore is gay now he was being played in like some prequels by Jude law or some shit Yeah, and the fantastic and he's just wearing a suit. That's weird to me. I saw it on the plane the first one. Oh, was it good?

No Now serious what the fuck hold on he's just sexy Jude law in a fucking suit And then he becomes like a fucking starts wearing like robes and shit. Well, yeah, when you get older your hair turns white Yeah, what the fuck happened the wizards like the wizards get into retro shit. Is that what's going on? I think they dressed regular and Harry Potter and then they all Oh, they got more into robes. Yeah, I think that's because of his role as a Educator at the oh, so teachers all have to dress gay shit. Yeah, I guess so that's pretty cool Yep, I think it's a lot like the election about nog warts nog warts. I guess what happens there

They celebrate with the seasonal festivities That everyone loves I know it's tough because hog warts is already it means dick warts Have you slopped some nog this season yet a slob on my nog I hate when I offer to get egg nog and some dumb bitches like I don't like egg dog. It's good I've never had women. They're like, oh, I don't like it bitch. You drink come because You live off come Every woman lives off come Is there a difference between the two well you're too good to buy or come in a store and it's sweet come

It's sweet come with the you put it up to here with these picky women. Yeah, let's go in on time. Let's do my god Mm-hmm. Yeah, you're listening to a fellas podcast. I'm freaking done with these brutes They are so dang stupid, let me tell you dude every time a dumb girl says something fucking dumb. I'm like, bitch Get them every time that's so true. I was in yeah I was that one hot girl that was like remember that hot we were talking about her and then she turned and looked at us And I was like fucking like I'm looking at us. Shut up. Don't look and then we just kind of left Yeah, we left that fucking bitch, dude, and we were like mirror in the parking lot like Dude, if yeah, she's lucky. She didn't look at me another dude. I would have fucking punched her right

I swear dude. I was about to beat the shit out of that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I'd love doing that. I love hitting women I'll just lose it when I just can't take it anymore She comes home from oh, yeah, she's just in my fucking asshole. Oh my god Mom step all the way into the ass mom Shut the fuck up fuck you You guys everything that moms are also chicks. They are chicks though. So you forget that though Adam Friedland class I thought we were just doing dumb dumb saying dumb things Thing you would pitch what an actual bit you guys if you're doing is moms are our chicks also. That's true

Yeah, are you trying to say you want to I'm trying to work on work out a new closer You want you want to fuck our mom or collective mom dude? We could fuck our moms because they are chicks. That's the point Yeah, true. Yeah, okay. I'm I'm back. I'm not mom. He's like I'm looking for my son Frank Abagnale, Jr. So I can first have gay sex with them and pitch at him until I buy him a switch And then it's all all of that. Oh, okay. Now. Does he have a call back? Does he have a pussy? Yes We're compiling. How's he having gay sex? The last 20 minutes of the podcast has been compiled I don't think we've done Do I remember what my dick

I'm gonna bring up the Holocaust again. Do you ever notice that? Who would probably be the best at giving head? Who us guys because we know exactly what we want right nice thinking about that since we said here's another Adam classic Just trying to bring another one Yeah, that is true. Yeah Hmm. Are you trying to suck? I think dogs would be the best you're giving head. No way they got To fangs. Yeah, but they know nothing. I think something with someone try that peanut thing I'm mad. I didn't try the peanut butter thing when I was younger. My dick was more sensitive. Yeah

Yeah, did you have a dog felt awesome getting a dog? But I had access to dog Someone else's dog do it with your own dog. You do look if you're gonna fuck a dog you better just fuck somebody I guess you're right That's like fucking you don't want to fuck. Yeah, like if you were a pedophile It's like you're gonna fuck your own kid. A lot of them do that. What are you the Joker? When we were in the jungle in Burma, there was a man coming into the village raping all the little boys For 40 nights we tried to figure out who was coming into the village to rape those little boys And then we found out it was the boys father The point is master Wayne is some men just want to watch the world burn

Some men just want to fuck a boy Master what? Sorry So I think people that do the best to getting head is someone with a very wet mouth that also has like Parkinson's Yeah, and they have a shake Yes, dude Michael J. Fox I heard they were having Michael J. Fox play the new Batman. I would love to have Michael J. Fox's Bob one Stand-up comedy bits I've ever heard in my life. It's so funny. Yeah, we're talking about a guy from DC

He goes he goes speaking of which which no one was speaking of it at all Yeah, I heard that uh, they got Michael J. Fox play in the new Batman, which like is not true The bid is like what is Batman doing? It has nothing to do with Parkinson's No, no, no is that Batman has his shoes on the wrong feet? Yes, that's what that's just like Parkinson's means in his mind that you are retarded and not that your hands and feet shake. Yeah. Yeah That would be good. He's diagnosed. I would love to have sex with the King Bob on you've been talking about that for quite some time I mean look at his big mustache and shit. He wears those mittens. Would you fuck his ass or would he fuck your ass? I mean he would hold my ass and guide me into his ass

He would use his strength to make me fuck his ass so your whole body would be a dick essentially No, my dick would still be my dick, but he would oh he'd be using you as I see as like a dildo You'd be completely powerless even though you're penetrating him if you could fuck one video game character What would it be this one right here? Oh, yeah? Oh my god? You would definitely put birdo's mouth. What is that? It's Birdo, dude. It's Yoshi's girlfriend No, that's not Yoshi's girlfriend. It's Yoshi's girlfriend. Yoshi gets slapped by that every night. You can put your dick in balls She literally just has a fleshlight on her face. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, look. She's married too. Oh, she's got a ring. She's got a ring Oh my god, she got a big ring. I would love to fuck Yoshi's wife

That's not his wife, but I'm funny. You'd be of cage patron kicks us off for threatening to fuck Yoshi's wife What is Mario Party winner called super star What are you doing taking it you're doing like a oh you get a sticker. Oh, that sucks. We put it over her pussy No, take that all the way off Take the sticker off bird. Oh, let me get in them pink guts What's partner if birdo's if birdo was pink what color do you think the inside of her pussy is how about turd? Oh, but answer my question first. What black you think your pussy's black. Oh, yeah, light blue Pakistani girls, but no, there's it's like a giraffe. Have you ever seen a giraffe's lung somebody bring me my phone?

I have to look up a Pakistani My dead grandpa somebody get grandpa's phone Okay, well now that you've answered my question, I will say I like it in Response to what about turd? Oh What you like what Nick asked what about turd? Oh? And I answer who's turd. Oh, he just said what about those look like pretty pink pussies to me man Yeah, that's a pink pussy. That's a trans. That's fake. No, these are all fake. Those are pink pussies, brother Mm-hmm. Check your privilege, man

Maybe it's I know what you're saying in terms of deep purple like a purplish. Yeah But light blue that's no, that's too cartoonish for a human woman's pussy avatar You ever see the movie avatar? Yeah, what is the inside of their pussy's look like they fuck with their tail there? Oh, they're pony tails. Oh, yeah, they're like, whoa Damn this one Yeah, I mean, it's dark Are you looking at Navi porn right now? No, we're not allowed to look at this. No, let me come on. This is off limits. Why? Don't touch right? I don't like this game

Hey, you know what off limits. I want to see that novice. You get too horny man that real uncut novice shit Would you if you had to fuck one color alien would you pick green or blue? Well, you got that girl from the Uh, what's it called the Chris Pratt thing where they're in space. She looks so gonna wait is Zoe. So Donna also an avatar She's got green and and she's I was just like Zoe. So Donna. No, I didn't say Zoe. So Donna, bitch You would have to choose the alien actually you said Joey saw the show show No, I said if you had to fuck an alien would it be green or blue? I Would fuck I would probably fuck you dude. I would pick green. I would pick green

Have you seen Star Trek? They make as long as the titties aren't hard. No, they were of course. They would be soft the fuck You don't know they're aliens. Well, I'm talking Aliens and popular like the Star Trek green bitches and the yeah, I'm actually getting my friend Dr. Richard Why he's telling me that green women are also a myth they've been debunked. What yeah green ale green and blue alien women He's listening to the podcast live live He's got the live feed. Yeah. Hey, but oh whatever man All I know is I would like to fuck a human woman airbrushed green. How about that? Can we just say that with big ass? Yeah, Adam, are you not even gonna finish your pokeball, dude?

I'm saving it for after the pot and wanna Chew on Mike out of respect for the audience You're just gonna leave raw fish out you motherfucker. Yeah, just stink up the fucking apartment. What do you mean? It's just closed the pokeballs. You're gonna get a stomach ache. I'm worried about you I think stop once the boat. I'll just hold it if you want for a second. Don't eat my pokeball, dude I'm gonna put it in the fridge Anyway, ah the holiday season boys Yeah, and you can bet on which holiday it is bet the aside. I come is it Ramadan

Is it Ramadan? What is Ramadan bet at bet the aside? Is it the day that Muhammad first gifted his pubes to his four-year-old wife? Correctness something I understand. I don't think it is that happen. I don't think so. Take that just saying you can bet on it That's not something we believe. Mmm. That's something you could bet on is Ramadan the day where you can go into any Ramada in and have sex with the concierge at gunpoint Are you allowed to do that on Ramadan? That's a good one. Yeah What are some you know, I really like bet the aside man, you know

Yeah, well, no, there's that to be other options that on bet the aside that comment you can bet on what Ramadan what Ramadan is Is it the classic Muslim holiday where everyone dresses up like Santa and goes and ruins the lower east side? Oh You think are you confusing Santa con? Oh, yeah, Santa con Ramadan Yeah, you're right. I am those are the three choice. It's one of all sorry That's one of those three. We'll have to come up with different choice because you just said is Ramadan synonymous with Santa con That's true What about Frank Sinatra Don? Um, Ramadhan is it is it shoving your dick into a guy named Don's ass? Right up. Mm-hmm

The find out on at bed DSI dot com. What are Muslim people bet on it at bet DSI dot com We're gonna let you figure that one. Is it does not know does it mean people who are really into Star Trek? You could be which is the word bet on wet the aside icon, which is worse Klingons or Muslim? Have it is I dot com Offering bets now. That's a really easy bet guys. You know, it's definitely one of them. You have to pick one So bet the aside they've been and the thing about they've been in business for over a million years They've since the dawn of time hang out just dinosaurs for betting on dot com is paid out or the Brontosaurus has good 400 trillion dollars to winners this this week alone. That's right, dude

They are the worst company they suck dick at picking their words for you That's you making money Forbes called bet DSI com the worst company in the entire world The but the best one also the best one the gamblet, but they are profitability Solvent the company is owned by a retarded heiress She's one of the the humbles. Yeah, and she's in bread She's got that fucked up jaw like that one. Yeah, she's got a weird jaw And she can fit a lot of dicks in there a lot of their jaws. Actually, that's how it got fucked up It's from all the insets all the gay insets and a lot of fat

Her name is Betsy, but she's the best she's ever gotten at spelling it as B. E. T. D. S. I And that's Was found so she purrs you're betting against this dumb bitch my name is And you're betting against this woman is horribly in bread half Yeah, so you're so you're losing money not betting against this fucking idiot So you go what you what you're gonna want to do is go to bet the ass idea com and Put in some fucking bed listen. They want to bet on her during against her during the game You don't like going to websites. I hear you. I'm not

Myself about apps, you know apps. I'll pull my phone up and typing in things and saying saying Doing things on my phone. Yeah, I like an easy to use mobile playing interface Love that shit and that's something you could get a bet the SI. You know The the app was is actually the best design because the girl that owns the website is in a Stephen Hawking chair Yeah, one of those fancy Computer imagine that all the the machinery that has to go into keeping this dumb bitch a lot Mm-hmm. We'll also went into making making this beautiful app mobile playing interface play win get paid

Bet the SI offers odds on pretty much everything else too. Oh everything else, you know including Ramadan all major sports politics reality TV Pretty much everything That's this is the copy they told me to read Pretty much everything else to everything else including all major sports all major politics reality TV TV Pretty much every much everything. That's everything pretty much pretty much you dumb motherfuckers. You have to think of this

Nothing else I can think of the better. No, I don't know dog fights, maybe Free Michael Vick. Yeah, you know, it would be nice set up set up Simulated dog fights between famous dogs. Oh, that's a website. You could create an integrated. That's good. Use the bet the SI API That's right. The ass pussy. Yeah, it's an ass pussy index It's how close a woman's The perfect one if she scores a zero if they're very poor yeah, if the golden race They have the same. Yeah, a woman's asshole should be three point six one times tighter than her pussy That's right. And if she nails that then that's that's what's called classical beauty

That's a You know that little spiral that's sick Ciccretic beauty. Yeah, the Fibonacci so crotch. It's a cratic beauty So anyway, you bet on whether any girl in the world has what how far a pussy is and they got a um using the you can use the app from anywhere Oh Say that say what but you could use it anywhere. Yeah, I forgot to mention that you can use that app pretty much pretty much anywhere Anything anywhere like you know how no other apps work that way

Abs are like Work in certain areas. Yeah, you try to use seamless at a place with no restaurants around you can suck you can see You can lick the sea mode my balls Nick's ball sack my seamed up balls My balls have no seam. He has extra stitches. That's because Nick seamed himself up an extra He goes he has a cross for the Lord. He went one left and right. Well, I have I have you know, I did it up like a baseball Yeah, oh You got the baseball pattern. Yeah, and you tell your girl to suck you like a slider like she's doing a slider Give me the split finger. Oh, she's licking the asshole

Number 47 Diane So, yeah, here he comes and there it is looks like a single right to the left eye That's an easy out and she's Making his way to the mound doing one or two licks and he's falling asleep And that's it Nick I can tell you're not asleep and he's remembering you're still narrating you hate cheating pussy You're narrating you going to sleep while eating my pussy I'm pretending. It's a baseball game. Remember the bit is more important than you getting off More important to do a bit. You ever do a bit during sex? Always, always, me too. I'm doing a bit every time I fuck

Yeah, he's having sex with a woman Adam. That's the greatest bit Nick does. It must be so annoying to have sex with us Adam, can we finish the read mate? Can you share some professionalism? Oh, I thought we were back on the pot. Adam? No, keep doing readings Yeah, keep reading offer live and game-wagering keep reading you can make plays throughout the games and events So let's say let's say you're you're watching the big game, right? What's the smart play here? Oh, yeah bingles. What's hot money? No fucks and Sonetti You didn't like it. Thank you everyone who came out, but that town sucks my cock Yeah, Ohio sucks in general we went in on that on the last one. Yeah, yeah about how people are like that's so Ohio like people from there Oh, do they do that? Get a new thing. Anyway. Yeah, I mean, it's the worst state. It sounds like a deaf person named it

It is like it's all the shit Pennsylvania Columbus actually was the cool. I liked Columbus. They got a MLS team the crew. Oh, they do you're right Anyway What are we betting on this week this week we gotta take Ramirez against Chuck Choknikov Yeah, yeah, I mean he's I've been really impressed by his ground and pound or whatever dumb shit I fucking hate mixed martial arts. No, it's fun to watch. No, it's is there a new one. Pretty fucking boring There's a new fight this weekend

Yeah, Malik the cop versus suck dick Malik Malik my cock Chuck Liddell Chuck Liddell did fight got his ass smoked. Yeah, junior tiny nuts desante Now he's sponsored by a pistachio he was raised in the back of a Volkswagen bug in a favela outside of Rio de Chacacha And his parents were actually dirt Just pieces of dirt. He was born in yeah. Mm-hmm. They got a bitch and he he is Evidence that communism is a bad idea

So take little nuts Ramirez tonight this weekend take that to the bed You sign up later use promo code CUM 120 so they know we sent you mm-hmm when you sign up you've got some options You can just play and cash out or you can take the bonus money Which is like getting a casino comp up front before you've played at the tables. Wow Can you imagine that you walk into a casino? Mm-hmm. Somebody says sir, here you go Here's a piece of shrimp or whatever. I don't know what casino comp is. Yeah cigarettes pussy. Yeah, here's Here's a woman's pussy smoking to just fucking use

Just use this bitch And that's what the bonus money is just like that and it has a rollover requirement, but it's free cast So if you're gonna be in the sports book, which is where we love fucking sports book. I like sitting there just watching the games They got big TVs. Yes, sir. Yeah That's so right. Yep. I love going into that sports book area at the casino Oh, dude, it's my big cowboy hat my assless chaps. That's right. You know what? I bet it was a fella got to do around here to Fuck, you know what? I bet on all the time I'm sick buggy. Do you ever see those buggy races? They always got those playing a no at sports books

Yeah, you never seen I have Adam. I have what's it called like? So come 120 use coma coma prode one Como prode one come 20 Oh, my brain promo code come 120 and you get the comp and you get the pussy and it's Gonna give you 60% bonus cash return 1600 play with once again, that's bet the aside Let's start the show I'm a gay guy. They call me the gay guy on the McLaughlin group

Bet the aside. Well, I want to clip fuck me 21 to one on Balls in your court This is highly inappropriate Come on. Give me a little sugar. Can I get a whiff of your pussy at least? I think she's the total bitch Happy can and what does Eleanor's pussy smell like the Holocaust never happened That guy's a straight-up holocaust and I're Buchanan. Oh, cool that we had to make this about you It's about us doing a bit for everybody and now

Now it's Adam's bit corner Oh I can't you guys do bits during sex man. I'm I'm deathly serious. Oh, I do jokes Well, that's because you're so like disgusting and physically laughable to look at no Dude the whole concept of making a passionate love and then go like whispery and someone's making a passionate love Making passionate love and then while you're doing it whispering Something and someone's here. You could say you could really you could really play with that format and say some very funny things No, man, you just got to fuck you got to get some nuts off

I love telling my girlfriend. She's canceled when the cock comes out. That's when I get serious No, when I'm deep inside dying of laughter and your laughable dick. No, no, my joke. It's not my joke You missed it earlier. I said my job. I said the stop. I was like, oh, I didn't realize that laughable thing was a podcast app and not The size of your dick You got that I said Earlier, I said that you said it better. I did I but kind of jumbled it. Well, it you should I mean You don't even have to be there. You can kind of appreciate it So we tell us all about all the bits that we did on the show when he was in Ohio. Yeah, what did you guys do?

um We talked to some girl that says you raped her. Yeah She was crying most of the time. It didn't happen. We had some girl that says you sexually assaulted her on That's not true. She said that it wasn't a physical sexual assault But she was that I was creed that it was she was traumatized She was traumatized She had a stop is golden angels tattoo on her pussy and I asked to see it with my tongue And how do you get a tattoo on your pussy? Yeah, I think I like to do is a nerd is to just walking down the street

I punch a woman in the face and rip her clothes off and say I was looking for food And when people question me I go, I'm a scientist. Yeah, I have a beaker. I put a beaker in a girl's pussy And I'm like, I'm doing an experiment. I'm doing science. You fucking dumb bitch Last time my scientist I'm a fucking scientist. You can't get mad at me. I love having gay sex I Mario shardy my head hurts. What's wrong, bro? Yeah, man. I barely slept last night. That's why I sound like I'm fucking stoned on this episode Yeah, dude

I'll be better for you people next time. I just thought stop is back. It's gonna be easier. I don't have to talk as much Well, we've been playing Mario Party for six years. Yeah, I'm so sorry. Mario Party is scrambled one episode where you worked Yeah Dude, that's Jeez, it's exhausting. I can't imagine. It is Exhausted that much. How's it? You have to talk for an hour. At least half the time Nick probably did at least 75 of the talking. So yeah, that's 25. It would be funny even heavy lifts It would be really funny to see a breakdown of how many minutes per

Like episode I've had some strong. I don't think I've had single digits. You might have there've been some there've been some I've flirted with it Yeah, you can't count laughter either. Yeah Or or then you're laughing and repeating something that somebody said I've never repeated anything anyone else has said That's 90% of your jokes on this thing. What do you mean repeating? It's just being like, you know a good like a good punchline and then being like Yeah, that's not true. I have a lot of jokes on the show Okay

The one where I called myself a bug who eats dust. No, that wasn't you the one where I called myself a baby who likes baby things Fuck off, dude Shut up. All right new topic of discussion Okay, ready set Russia Russia Was beautiful women in the world not including Eleanor, of course Uh, are they going to invade poland and turn them into sex slaves?

Yes, and we should nuke them right now We should honestly, I gotta say Putin had a good ass year, man Yeah, he could just get to do whatever the fuck he wants. Yeah. Uh, yeah, let's let's go power rankings Putin really nailed it Putin's up and I it's pretty funny that you can just fuck up a guy with a bone saw and everyone's like, ah, whatever The Saudi straight up Didn't the Saudis just admit they did 9 11? Yeah, they did do 9 11. That shit is fucking yeah And then they told Canada they'd fuck them up

Shouts out to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, and also fuck that Canada guy. I don't like him at all. He was Trudeau Yeah, he's a fucking loser. Yeah, anybody anybody's ethnically French is trash I agree. Is he is he a québécois? Of course That's fucking his dad was prime minister Pierre Trudeau How about his name was Pierre? Yeah, of course. What a fucking dumbass name. How about uh A prime minister. Oh, prime minister. And it's like a dark priest What he does is he has sex with children

About 30% of the catholic. Yeah, it's venom any good. I kind of want to watch then I saw the tongue It looks disgusting the reviews of it make it seem like it's bad But then I think the reviews just think it's bad because it's not it's just like A dumb movie. Uh-huh and not like that marvel bullshit Or he's like, yeah, should the government be spying on people? It's kind of like a spider Who gives a shit why doesn't it be relevant? Well, he's like a bat. He's he's like an alien. I thought There's an M&M. There's an M&M soundtrack, which is M&M does all the songs that tells you everything you need to know

Is that for real? No, but he's got a song on it. That's You get beat by an alien and now I'm gay Alien for a man living dead. M&M did say he's on grinder. Yeah. I'm now almost under. Yeah I'm now almost gay. I think he's bi No way that come like everyone would know that I'm not even fucking kidding dude. I'm for real M&M is gay He said he said something about like he says he uses he used this was like six months ago to find like people to blaze with No, he's like he's like I use all the dating apps. I use tinder. I use grinder That's that's a quote from M&M

Maybe he's joking. No, I think he's fucking M&M says he uses gay dating app grinder. You know what I wonder is from a year ago I I couldn't use the dating apps for a while because my penis isn't working But then I went to bluetooth.com And they sent me medicine That makes my custom medicine from bluetooth.com that makes my dick Work just like it did when it sucked It went just regular sucked. Yeah, exactly

If you have a fucked up dick like me and nick it'll make your dick just kind of adequate again Yeah, with a lot of hemming and hauling you can actually fuck. He was making a joke M&M's not gay He's making a joke. Yeah, right. Apologize. It said a spokesman said that it was a joke. No, he's gay That would fucking rule dude That would explain the little gay ass beard he's got now. It looks like a gay man's beard Oh, cool. Just leave now adam you motherfucker No, you suck ass Dude, all I wanted was a little fucking support on my his gay beard looks like a gay man's beard

What are we doing? Whatever Adam go away. You you literally heard me say it. You're just walking away I'm not walking away. I was just getting more water. I gotta find a fucking copy This is so it's so funny. I was so excited to have them as a sponsor because it's like, oh, this is something like I actually will listen you want me to speak from the heart, man You know what's been nice is like taking those dick pills and like not even fucking or beating on Just like having a hard-ass dick out of nowhere, right because I'm a drug addict So like just taking a pill and having something happen is like an event Yeah, you know what I get something out of that

It's like even if you don't need dick pills, you should probably go to bluetooth.com and buy them anyways It's fun because it's like drinking non-alcoholic beer if you have like an opiate problem or whatever Just make sure you lie about having another drug issue On the intake form because they do you like they do you do need an actual prescription Medical and it is a doctor on there. So they're they're 100% legal advice. No Yeah, I think you have to be careful because it's a medicine company. Yeah. No, I don't know if we got a crazy claim It's not shoes. Let me say this. It's not boots from Chicago. Let us say this Do not lie

On the thing to get dick pills do not the official do that stance if you have some kind of heart condition Or they ask you about other use of drugs Do not lie to get the dick pills If you have high blood pressure do not lie about that Me and nicks certainly have not done that. I we have never Any such thing and we will not we will not we do not want our listeners to do in fact I'm on the record as saying that I have never done cocaine. No nor do I have Heart issues, right? I don't I do not see stars when I stand up and neither do I as of recently

I do not I do not have to hold on to the wall every time I sneeze Because everything goes dark for a second I have not taken so many dick pills the vision in my left eye starts to flicker that is for sure Yeah, I have not taken an entire quote-unquote month supply Just to see what happens And neither should you yeah, it's all this shit is by a doctor But no waiting in line or any of that fucking no no waiting in line at the none of that embarrassing pharmacy line Where they they go like whoa sir next are these your dick pills?

A guy with a little ass dick that doesn't get hard your prescription is ready. Excuse me the small penised man standing next to the hot woman Who was gonna fuck him until I said this yeah with the woman whose tits that have his tattoo on them It says anyone is allowed to fuck me as long as they don't need dick pills Your dick pills are ready That's a thing of the past that's the thing which used to happen to me six times a fucking day Yeah, now you can take the dick pills hang out in the pharmacy And then you be like oh, yeah, I'm not I'm not here for dick pills. I don't need stuff like that. What's your name?

Yeah, my name is Richard my last name is actually So yeah, that's the best part and look Saying seeing is how you don't do any of that and you just take one dose you get your dick nice and hard It's good for you. It's good for your fucking partner. She's gonna be coming all over that fucking suddenly hard And thank you for saying partner stuff too I also said she but she or he she here. She he or she will be getting stuffed right Whether it's the bunghole or the pussy or yeah the mouth Maybe you you use his nuts like a fucking flesh like you wrap his nuts around your hard ass dick and fuck that

And it's chewable so they work faster than pills Yep, yeah straight into your blood. It's got the same active ingredients as viagra and sialis Which is a lot to fill in some other shit. So that's good Yeah, that's the good stuff And you can take it on a full or empty stomach Because they're chewable. Yep, and if you're like stop and you don't have teeth you can just suck on plenty of teeth But sometimes I suck on them for the flavor. Stop is literally incapable of taking his chewable dick pills anymore I let this dissolve in my mouth because he's he's too fat for teeth

It ships directly your door in discreet packaging. No doctor visit. No awkward conversations. I put them in my smoothies They give you confidence in bed every time you and your partner will love it because you know confidence is everything fellas Oh, yeah Sometimes for when I'm on a job interview. Mm-hmm to feel more confident I take four blue shoes and my dick is hard as shit coming through my khakis And that gives me the confidence to be to get the deli guy at key. There's two paths to confidence You're either somebody that's been gifted in life and you Live a blissful delusional existence to somebody that just has things

Or you accept complete utter and total defeat. There's somebody whose dick doesn't work People don't fucking like you. You're gonna die anyways And then you sink into that and that's where real confidence comes from. Yes Mm-hmm with acceptance. It's better than the natural right exactly because then you can Fuck the kind of women that don't care that you're taking The kinds of women who whether you were hard or not truly doesn't even matter You're not going to fulfill them sexually or emotionally. Yeah, you're just kind of wasting time. They've never had an orgasm if you were paying them

If it'd be you feel less guilty, you would feel better. Yeah, you would Then if it weren't just some kind of mutual defeat Where you're both doing an impression of happier people Acting like you don't have problems. Oh, shit. So yeah, I think like you're not thinking about some Terrible things while you're inside of her Blue cheese happens to you Adam. I think of tragedies. Yeah. Yeah, I think you just embarrassments. Oh I just think about they self. Yeah, is that what you think Nick? I think you think look how cool I am You know what I'm thinking I'm having sex. I'm Adam. Sometimes I do think that I

It is. Have you ever thought that before? I'm thinking damn nice like Looking at titties. I sometimes I think this is the ultimate. See that's a thing. I don't think while I fuck It's the best. You're an animal. I overthink my whole life. Yeah, and I'm just finally the pussy I'm smelling pussy juice in the air the when it mists up and turns into vapor and it's it's my nostrils I'm not doing bits. I'm not I have the same exact thoughts I have in the shower It's like an identical

Oh, because you have a loofah in your ass both times. No, I don't actually wash myself in the shower I just stand there. Hmm. I just go through my enemies list in my brain. I think I think to myself damn it I'm a love to Be in the kind of shower that doesn't have water that comes out of the faucet The gas kind of when I'm having sex I feel like an animal and nothing turns me into more of a fucking stun Do a fucking ape like blue chew. Uh-huh I was like I packed the pussy like a silver bag I think gorillas have small dicks because that way you can tell women you have a gorilla dick

And then when they see it they're angry. You're allowed to beat them to death. Yeah. Oh, because you already explained that you're a gorilla Yeah, I mean you already have the gorilla. I like that's what sir Novich. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I don't know the end Go ahead. Do the bit adam. You said it a second before go ahead. Do it. I'm not stealing anything. No, I'm done Go ahead do it Nothing, go ahead blue chew.com slash because you Come on because in the but Mike sir Novich has the book about being like a being like an ape

Which I I haven't oh, he's got a book. Look what it looks like. We got a regular Matilda over here Matilda was the smartest girl Blue chew.com slash town Yeah, no, that's the other one you got a blue chew.com your first order for you and use promo code come town Nice salute to them using all capital letters. You just paid the five bucks for shipping And so that's like that's just that's tight actually because it's like fucking this shit's pretty medicine, bro Yeah, it's a medicine You know, we don't want free Medicaid. Yeah, this is Medicaid from what I understand

From angry women online Is the dick pills are covered by Something I think I don't yeah old guys can get angry women Yeah, old guys can get dick pills. You can't well. That's a defensive like, you know birth control being and You see people getting arguments about like Employers shouldn't have to pay for a birth control. You slide or whatever they pay for dick pills and women are like I need the birth control for more than just fucking a billion. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. I'm going to fuck a billion guys 100 guys as soon as I break up with

Some awesome guy I don't I don't know some guy What chick are you talking about, dude? I'm just doing a general big. No, he's talking about somebody in particular He was thinking of them. He sounded like someone in particular I'm literally not and he was dude. He totally wanted to know who he was thinking about No, just say her name some woman materialized. Say her die. Somebody that hurt him Say her fucking name. Who's the woman that hurt you? Matilda mullen. My daughter

I would love to be the dad Matilda There's a dad doing fucking video man. The fuck I thought she's an orphan Damn, I'm gonna get married to your daughters. You're so fucking dumb, Adam Would you you're so fucking stupid? I'm kidding, man. Just chill out. We're joking God damn it, dude. You're honestly making kind of weird. Maybe you should take a chill pill or blue chew chill That's what I call them in Netflix and chill pill. Oh, yeah, that's pretty clever Maybe you should put that on the website you fucking assholes Oh, I think I'm gonna put that on blue chew.com

Netflix and chill pill and then you fucking pay me money even though you already give me dick pills for free I think I'm about to get your birthday present, Nick. Are you got me a birthday present? Well, I haven't gotten it yet, but I just think I just got an email about to get it. You're a sweetheart Nice It's from savan die. Oh, yeah, you'll you'll see it when you like it, man You'll like gift certificate to Barnes and Noble. Yes, it is. I knew it to boarders to boarders books and music Anyway, I remember I guess we're done, right with the come Oh, yeah, the episode bluetooth.com and use get your first order free when you

Use promo code come town. Just pay five dollars shipping again. That's b l e u chew.com. That's probably important to say that. That's not that's not true No, it's b l u e. Yeah, you said you oh, yeah Sorry folks. I have trouble reading and remembering Nick on the way over here claimed He didn't know that there's between left and right. I literally don't Neither literally nor politically There's literally the horseshoe theory. Hmm And you know what that you know what that theory is

That if you want to get lucky, yeah, sometimes you got to rape I don't think that's that's the horseshoe theory. I think it's something about same Extremes ending up being the same or something like that. Mm-hmm So you mean you throw a horseshoe at a woman's head and have sex with them Is that the theory you're talking about when I was uh, when I was a kid Um, there was a retarded kid that had a hammer and he was about to come down on my head with it Real hard, but a teacher stopped him at the last second and I always think that like He could have made me like him

He's like a vampire. Yeah A retarded guy with a hammer. Yeah, he's essentially a vampire or a werewolf I just I always think about that. It's like, what if that retarded kid used his power to Make me also retarded. Did he beat you? No, man I know you have to leave the room every five minutes. Yeah, you've been going along a long way a lot, man I'm sorry. No, you aren't dude. You're never sorry You don't know I'm having a rough day. What's wrong? What's wrong big guy? I'm just having a rough day. It's wrong. You know tomorrow's another day. How was your pokeball?

It's in the fridge. Good. I'm glad to hear that. What do you mean? I'm worried about you getting fucking bacteria. I can't leave raw fish out the pokeball. I'm serious about that. See What are you talking about dude? I we ate raw fish all the time in japan. Yeah, but that's the good shit That's the radioactive shit. It killed all the bacteria the fukushima All the fukushima got the fucking bacteria dead the fukushima And if you put enough radioactive fish around your cock, it'll grow and start glowing What a gay song dude radioactive. No, this is mario party song I'm so much cooler than this game, dude. That's why I like playing it to prove how much cooler I know

In the game for babies. You got so mad when someone stole your ally, dude. I did So what are your christmas resolutions guys or new year's resolution grow my cock a couple inches somehow To grow your cock. Yeah, jelk Jelk jelking I think maybe a pescatarian No, I fucked that why not I don't know man. You should do it stop. Why don't you just be vegan? I try to eat too many potato chips and potatoes in general. Yeah, how long do you try to be vegan for like two and a half weeks? Really this year. Yeah much earlier. No, I fed stop a vegan brownie earlier. Mm-hmm. It was good

Nick thinks a vegan brownie is just his shit Yeah, I ate a shit out of his ass. You're vegan the only kind of food. No Dude, you're so gay. I hate your shit. No Just I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm like, oh my turds Your window's open Gay guys are gonna reach into your ass and steal your turds Um, dude, I don't know. I I'm willing to admit that maybe I might be inching towards leaving the category of regular obese

And getting dangerously close to actually being morbidly obese I have gotten much ready morbidly obese. No, I'm at the edge of regular obese and flirting with morbidly obese You weigh more than LeBron. Yes, but I'm also more powerful. That's not true I'm more dense than him, dude. Yeah, he's he's his weight is spread out over six It's like wario versus Waluigi. Who's more powerful? Definitely Wario Wario because he's squatter. He's squat. He's squat stops. You got a lower center of gravity than exactly You think LeBron could be in a fat LeBron stop stops built like a manhole. Thank you, Nick Uh-huh. You know how hard those are to fucking pick up. Yeah, you can't tackle one. They're already on the ground exactly

You don't want to see me on all fours, dude Just coming at you like I Running to the stage to collect a medal and you do you can't you can't go up the stairs destroy Like a street shark What was the context to that I don't remember man, dude I was laughing so hard remember that ramen restaurant. Oh, yeah and hitting on that girl Oh, yeah, damn. You got the iPhone too. That's crazy. That's uh, yeah. No, I love just fucking down

I'm like always downloading apps and stuff. I'm on my phone Constantly always I'm a tech head. I can't get enough. Do you have a phone? You have a phone? Oh, yeah, you do That's how we started damn. Maybe I should uh, maybe we should like use our phones together sometime Maybe text each other No, I'm just kidding. But what's your number though? I Oh, no, I'm cool. I'm all right. Sometimes I just I start crying I'm good. I'm good. No, I'm good. I'm fucking good. Bitch. I said I said I'm good

Now do you want to get out of here or what do you want to fuck? You stop talking to this fucking asshole this guy pay attention to me. Yeah, he is my brother Maybe I should fuck him too Haha, just kidding. He's cute though. He's cute. He's cute. He's cute. I'll fuck him if it makes you think I'm cool Let me fuck you please Please have sex with me. It'll prove I'm not gay. I'm just, I'm just out of your team's happening. I'm just out here tonight trying to prove I'm not gay. Trying to fuck girls when I end up fucking their brothers. You're not fucking your brothers. Girls just like, oh, of course. Just dumb. Do you think that guy's ever cried his way into pussy? You have done it.

You literally fucked that girl in that megabus. Yeah, you fucking liar. Oh, yeah. I literally have cried my way into pussy. I deserved it. I really deserved it that time. No, you didn't. I really did. Just that time though. No, and then you fucked some crazy bitch that was walking her dog or something. No, not homeless girl. She was looking for shelter. Yeah, yeah. The girl's like, I'm living outside right now. She wasn't like, do you want to come into my apartment? You literally brought a homeless man with nowhere to go and limited options to his place. No, no. I she had a home. That's what they call a smooth criminal.

Dick and I did a little rape joke into a pussy when I was fucking. I was doing it. It's so I I fucking love I love that Louis CK is trying to have a comeback every like two and a half weeks. And it fails. And it doesn't work every time. What do you do recently? I miss it. I don't know. I just don't know that girl yelled at him at the seller. Oh, yeah. And then there was like nine outlets who were like, she's a badass, badass. She's our girl boss, badass. We fucking love her. She's our fucking hero. It's also smart. They're like, where did you got her tab covered at the cell? Oh, yeah. But it doesn't even need to be Louis CK. You can go there and object to Ian finance, which actually if you live in New York, you live

in New York, find out what night Ian is at the comedy cell or go there and then fucking complain when he just talks about having sex with trans people. And you can just eat for free at the comedy cell or whenever the fuck they cover your tab, they cover your tab. Honestly, go to the comedy cell or get the wings complain about Ian to have a nice night out. Get a couple pictures of brew. This is the show's starting. It's all a bunch of families from Wisconsin. It's like, everybody just let a trans person fuck you in the ass. What are you guys doing? Just kidding. How are you guys doing it? Please? Can I fuck your brother? That's Ian. I bet you Ian has literally tried to fuck a woman and ended up fucking at least

a male friend of hers. Well, it's gonna do it, fellas. Yep. Remember, go to patreon.com slash come town, click report. Don't do that. Subscribe if Sargon of a card isn't allowed to keep his magic tricks for racist. Whatever he does, was this your card? Yeah, and it's just a king that says the n word on it. This is not hubris. I'm being 100 percent accurate. We are the modern day Mark Twain. Mark Twain. Yeah, the show is my time. You'll cock mullin. So if you want to cancel it, yeah. If you want to cancel come town, you better be ready to cancel Mark Twain. Yeah, author of The Sandlot. Yeah, 10 days. Yeah, 10 things I hate about you. The game. Oh, yeah, he didn't write the game. He wrote the game. He was getting pussy on Louisiana steamboats

by calling bitches bad. The Dukes of hazard. He used to do that. Yeah, we're a lot like, you know how Mel Brooks dressed up like Nazis, right? We and he's Black Knight was written by Mark Twain. Dark Knight originally Black Knight with one night. I mean, he get the name. Yeah. It had a real Sargon name. Let's just call it Sargon night. Thank you to everyone who came out to see me in Ohio this past weekend. I'm coming to Pittsburgh on the 11th, Buffalo, January 12th, the next night. And then I'm in Phoenix on January 19th, and LA on the second. Oh, and I pay a phoenix phoenix phoenix. So please buy tickets. Oh, I should go to stavey.biz Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Phoenix, LA. I'm also going to Harrisburg before

Buffalo, Schenectady after Buffalo, all that shit. There's other dates. I remember typing Phoenix into the computer like nine times, P H E O N I X and it kept telling me was wrong. And I was like, no, bitch. Screaming like computer like that doesn't make any sense. Phoenix. You dumb bitch. No, I'm smart. In the community. Yeah, you are, dude. I know that about you, dude. Ever see that movie, the computer that war 10 issues? No, no. It's the get pussy from the Russell and he gets struck by lightning in the computer room at his college and he's smart like the computer. Oh, nice. Cool. Yeah, that sounds like a worse version of how high the computer that wore alligator shoes. You know, a pimp in middle age. Yeah, like a bitch magic time.

And he's like, bitch, bring that pussy over here. Let me do some math. Why don't you let me crunch some numbers? That's why I call when you slide this in there, crunch them numbers up. Well, that's what that guy, John Nash did. He did math on pussy. Yeah, John smash. John. A beautiful mind. He fucked a beautiful behind. Not really. He was gay. Yeah, he was he fucked in bathroom. Go crazy at schizophrenia. So you would have this schizophrenic episode and then have sex with man. Yeah, that's what a fight a real fight. That's a good he goes to fight dance in some bathrooms. Dirty fight dancing is just having unprotected gay sex with a man who has diarrhea, maybe. Anyway, I'll workshop that one. Well, Ian took some huge L on Twitter

a couple weeks ago. Yeah, that girl. Yeah, that girl's Dasha's friend. That's so it was so she dragged in can be dragged every I mean, every tweet is just he has asked the worst. Yeah, the worst thing about Twitter by far. I want it real quick. He takes every with the last thing takes every position. Yeah, you're right. He like he's like it's the liberals and the conservatives man. Let's just we're all losing our minds over here, brother. This thing is like he's like the classic shitty comedian like Louis Black. Yeah, like have you ever considered that everybody's wrong? Except me, of course, elevated beyond this discussion that I have not thought about or haven't yet for a second to be on like I'm going to try and write a joke about this.

I can't. Well, I guess I'll just be better than it. Well, he hasn't tweeted anything. He's just been retweeting. Yeah, because he got he got owned. Yeah, so that girl Kristen. Let's see what the last thing he tweeted was. Hey, gang, listen, we're all racial, the human racial. Oh my god. Oh, my fuck. That's just the last thing he tweeted. I wasn't even looking for a bad one. I thought that's a real that's a real black and white headshot of an old like white guy with like a white beard. It says friend. There's only one gender, the human gender. Oh, here we go. Here we go. This is the last is the next one. Again, I'm not even trying to pick bad ones. Hannah Gadsby made a speech about good men calling out bad men, but they themselves

not being good already beautiful for start. It's time to be honest. I shit with door open. Sometimes I steal flowers from the cemetery. I hit other people's kids on subway, but I do not cat call so deep down. I good man, Hannah. What he doesn't do any of that's not a point and he doesn't do those things. You know, flowers from the cemetery to what he goes to a fucking stupid man. That's his idea of like bad things. Every, every tweet, every time he tweets, he thinks he's Bukowski. He's awesome. Like he thinks he's like a subversive artist. He's so good. Yeah. Like a drug guy. Pen one is the best. That one. Republicans are only supposed to attack women with pen and legislation. That's so classic

dumb motherfuckers trying to sound smart. Our fans are going to know they're not. This is the whole thing. That's he is like, I guess the king of taken else, dude. Yeah, he's the best. He's the best. He's successful by losing. Right. He's like an absolute fucking tragedy. Everything about that guy is a fucking disaster. And it was set in motion 25 years ago. It's not his fault. In a certain train yard where I'm not going to say what happened. But yeah, that's just like that's Ian's thing. And that's great. I love him. Well, I love him too. He's hilarious to as a hang. He's the best. So that's our show, everyone. Right. We'll suck you off later.