The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 135 – Sopranos again

Episode Date: December 27, 2018

this is the only show that makes me feel anything

All right, I'm eating pretzels on Mike. I don't give a fuck. We'll give you pretzels. We'll flavor. Splits. I got something you can split. Yeah? My ass cheeks? Yeah. You too, Adam Psyche. Just my dick flying into your ass piloted by Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum. This is the second before it snaps shut.

After I've given your ass the virus. Uploaded the virus to your ass and now my dick has to escape your ass cheeks. Is that an dependency? Oh, nice. Can we just see this woman's tits so we can close this episode? We're watching the Sopruzianos. Oh, come on, show us titties. She's loosening her robe.

It's the episode with the ginge bitch who helps Christopher with his screenplay. She's so fucking fine. She's not that fine. Damn, she's really throwing him the pussy here. She looks like a young, what's her name, the other ginger bitch in Hollywood. Julianne Moore. No, she's better looking than Julianne Moore. Julianne Moore is hot. Can you imagine how good it would feel to just smash her fucking face down with your fists?

No. While fucking her. Oh, okay. Could she ask for it? Nah. Nah, you just had a bad day at work. And that's your dumb Irish wife. Damn, dude, it's in your DNA, huh? Nick, you're wearing the little Irish hat, too.

Damn, Scottish. There's a trail of powdered sugar going from the recorder across the carpet to you. It's not me. It's Adam motherfucker. He's my mother, Venetia Halkus, who's nice enough to bring the boys Christmas cookies. Oh, hell yeah, here we go. No, you don't. No, you don't. She's wearing panties. You told me I was seeing her pussy.

You told me I was seeing pussy. I've never seen panties before. You think that's what a woman's pussy looks like? Yeah, her pussy. You rub your dick on her cotton ass pussy. Oh, is this cock inside? Show us your tits. Damn, I got to say. Those are nice tits.

Fake sex looks at movies. The girls make a noise and shit, not just checking her phone. I hate that fake shit. Where you can tell the moment the dick goes in and she's happy instead of confused as to why it hasn't affected her at all. That kind of fake movie sex. Bullshit, dude. I fucking hate that shit. Most movies in real life where she's playing flappy birds.

She's playing. She's playing her DS light. She's in third grade. Yeah, I hate that fake movie. Pause the show. I can't pay attention. It's over now. Let's pause it. Now that we saw it, there's a second sex scene. I think we'll fast forward to it.

I don't know how to do anything. Maybe they were just. Computer, turn off the next TV. Siri, pause the show. That's not how it works. I thought it worked, but Anthony was just pausing. Oh, Anthony Jr. Siri, turn the computer off.

Anthony, why is your father bringing gay sex to me in my nursing home? I shut the fuck up and just appreciate the gay porn. I fucking bring you gay porn. You fucking repay me. I'm just fucking bringing you gay porn. Oh my. Damn. That's an ugly bitch.

She probably wasn't even that hot back in the day. She wants to be asked in the flashbacks where Johnny's soprano cuts that guy's fingers off. She's a fucking fine ass. But I mean this actress. Nancy Marchand. Oh yeah, she's hot. Yeah.

She was the only person that James Gandolfini liked. I mean, you know, I know that he disliked you. He probably liked everyone. He had no confidence. He had like an acting coach on set all the time. Yeah. And she was the only person that could like, you know, make him feel good about himself.

Oh really? Now I say these things. I've heard them like fifth hand. Yeah. I have no fucking idea. That sounds right. And it's so funny because if he were alive, you know, I mean even this I don't know, but like,

you hear one thing about somebody that happened one time. They're like, and every day he would eat a Hershey's kiss. Yeah. And he would love his brother who was killed in that Toys R Us fire. Right, right, right. The man just had a Hershey kiss. He doesn't even remember.

Right, yeah. And he would look towards the sky and he would say, this is for you, Joshua. Hopefully you're not gay in heaven. And he would say that every day. Really? Before he would make everybody hold hands and sing the theme song to Doogie Howser.

Just hum them. There's no lyrics to it. Unless you work in Hollywood and then you know the secret lyrics to Doogie Howser. Is that part of getting the sag? Well, WJ, yeah. WJ, yeah. I mean, as a guild member myself.

So you know the lyrics. I know the lyrics. I don't even remember the song. Can you tell me? Well, you know, I'm sweet in secrecy. Okay. Just tell us. Just tell us.

Don't tell anyone else. We're not going to tell you. He's going to tell me. He's not going to tell you, Adam. All right. I'll close my ears. He's a doctor, but he's also a boy. And you thought he couldn't do medicine.

Well, you're wrong. It's the Doogie Howser show. The actor turns out to be gay. Yeah. Later. Anybody with three names? Either homosexual or they kill the president. That's right.

This is the only two ways you can go. James Earl Jones. James Earl Jones. Yeah. Philip Seymour Hoffman. Michael Ian Black. Oh, Michael Ian Black is good. Michael Ian Black is going to kill Trump.

Oh, that'll show us. Yeah. For calling him gay for some time. That's the moment we've been waiting for. For a man that's been barely funny for 30 years. Being carried his whole career. Yeah. A man who's never done anything that has even registered as funny to me.

He was on a lot of those VH1 talking hits. I know. Yeah. Those were the best. Yeah. Those were so fucking funny. Stella was funny. Stella was funny.

The same was funny. I didn't think either of those were funny. I'm not a fan. You're not a fan? You don't like what? No, I'll tell you. That movie is great. The best movie, fucking Boston Rules.

You ever see that? Boston Rules. It's the best comedy at Boston Rules. What are the rules? Four guys, they go on a road trip from Boston to Quincy. Yeah. They must have learned a lot about themselves on that trip. On that 17 minute.

Yeah. And then they have like fun adventures. And they go to Newton. They had fun adventures and stuff like at one point. Like they're all hookin' up with girls in the dark. Nice. And then they turn the lights on. And it's Michael Ian Black.

Well, no. And Tommy's like, Tommy's like, Jimmy, fucking, look at this. Pat just fucked a girl and she's black. I didn't know she was black because the lights were out. Wow. Look at the guys throwing up all over the place. Just like a 14 minute throw up scene. Yeah, yeah.

Big beans. Pure baked beans. Classic, classic. Dunkin' in baked beans. Boston Rules, my favorite. I love that one. Who's in that? That is classic.

Boys only comedy from the 1990s. Yeah. It's Tom Green. Yeah. Steve Zahn. Yes, yes, Steve Zahn. The guy from Dead Man on campus that does that thing with his Tom. Yeah, that guy.

Yeah. The older brother in Boy Meets World. Yeah. You know, those guys, they're all in Boston Rules. Boston Rules, baby. Is that my coffee, Adam? It's my coffee. You finished your coffee?

No, I didn't. Mine was sitting right here. That's my coffee. Ladies and gentlemen, I moved the couch around. Now I have all this broom to move around theatrically. Yeah. Let's do the podcast. Well, you should put an octagon in here.

You got a ton of space. Yeah. Oh, yes. I can fucking both of them. You should put a sock octagon in your apartment. What does that mean? So you can make a little cash while Dosh is out. It's an octagon.

Working her fucking job. I already have a job. Hold on. Let me explain. In each wall, I have something just as hard for you, Adam. What's that? It is. It is actually as hard as podcasting is a job.

What? My penis is as hard as podcasting is a job. It's not that hard, but it's sort of... Oh, fuck. I gotta go to Dennis. I can't believe you're gonna insult me on this the day of my engagement to my future... Are you engaged officially? Yeah.

I wasn't engaged. Respect. You're insulting her. Am I? Yeah. Your future wife. Our future wife. Do we all get a piece?

Of course. Like I said, we share a girlfriend and we share a wife. Well, I don't want to disrespect you, so here's how it's gonna work. You have your penis inside of Dasha and then I fuck your ass so that I don't make any contact with her, but spiritually my jit is being passed on through your ass, through your dick. Spiritually. That's what the natives would do. Yeah, there was a...

That's what I call smoking the peace pipe, alright. Who are we talking about? Native Americans doing a brain dance? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Please suck my dick. Please suck my dick. ...?

Please suck my dick. ... ...? Hey, oh please oh hey. ... ... ... please.

I suck my dick. .. They would do that dance every day and eventually they would get their dick sucked. I mean, that's kind of what being a pooh is. Yeah? Is doing a brain dance. I think so. Yeah, if you ask 10 million girls to suck your dick, one of them is gonna be mentally

the same. Right, right, right. One of them will be new to the country and not sure which one is yes and which one is no. And then feel too bad to back out of it. I had to suck his dick because I thought he was Duke. I thought he was the Duke of Gruzhnaya. He told me he was Duke of Gruzhnaya. He was wearing full suit armor.

Yes, he says my name is... I thought he was Knight. Vyacheslav Pistak. He is Tartar King. A vaginoblast. And he said that I have to suck his penis or he steal my family's teapot. Or he piss in my father's teapot which he will be buried in. Ah, shouts out to southeastern Europe, man.

Yeah. Just getting sex trafficked. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Lotta. Some of the best sex slaves in my experience. There was a thing going on in Greece. There was a stereotype that Russians and, you know, that kind of type of bitch were coming

over to be nurses, quote-unquote, for old motherfuckers that were dying. And part of their duties was to get sucked off. Or to suck the old guy off. Like you were hired as a nurse, but it would be... You would get your catheter changed with a happy ending. Mm-hmm. That is disgusting. That to me seems like a beautiful melding of worlds.

That's the Walmart of Eastern European women. To pull a catheter out of someone's dick hole and then get a head problem? Listen, the catheter is an example, Adam. Don't get fucking lost in the weeds here, man. I mean, that was the image you painted. Yeah, you dumb motherfucker. Okay, wipe his ass and then jack it off. That sounds also pretty disgusting.

With a clean ass, you don't want to get jacked off? Your ass is fresh. You feel like you're fucking a newborn baby. Yeah. Okay? Yeah. And then a fucking statuesque blonde blue-eyed Russian woman. I will never let a Russian woman or anyone from Eastern Europe suck my dick.

As long as I live. Whatever, man. All I'm saying is good on them for making... That's the free market at work, folks. Yeah. About the P market. Mm-hmm. And what happens then?

Would you be pissing? Would it be your penis? You're buying P. Okay. Actually, I remember reading that Polynesian urine was used as toothpaste. Really? Yeah, in like the 70s. By the Greeks.

Is that what the Polynesian sauce from Chick-fil-A is? Yep. That's piss. Damn, those motherfuckers got diabetes. Yeah. Speaking of diabetes, boys, did I cook up a delicious Christmas meal? Two, in fact. I had a nice party at the New Pad Sunday.

Let's dish about our holidays, boys. Yeah. I fucking cooked. The pork shoulder days are back. I'm back on my bullshit. Okay? But this was to entertain. I didn't eat this pork shoulder myself like I was wanted to do.

Yes, of course. I slow-roasted this motherfucker for 16 hours, bro. It was the most delectable pork I've ever fucking put upon my lips. Mm-hmm. It was, ugh, a nice little brown sugar. I had a pork shoulder too this week, for instance. What? For some reason.

What the hell, man? On his birthday, we had a pork shoulder, and then Christmas Eve had a pork shoulder as well. Wow. Okay. Well. But delicious. Thanks for stepping on my fucking pork shoulder story.

No, that's just something we have in common. No. No, I don't fucking care. I'm drawing a parallel. Shut up, dude. All right. The rest of your Christmas was good? I mean, it was fine.

I also made a steak roast. Did you have any of those, Adam? No, I didn't have a steak. You didn't have a ribeye roast? No, I didn't have a ribeye roast. Lovingly covered in butter and garlic the night before? Time. And time.

Yes. Time. Little chili powder, too. Little garlic. Little garlic, of course. So much garlic. How many bulbs? Motherfucker.

I lost count. I love that. Nick, what are you doing over there, man? I'm looking at a map of Japan. Why? We saw the movie For Christmas. I went to go see the movie Vice. I'm being in a theater with a couple hundred Jews mad at Bush.

Nice. It's pretty much the perfect Christmas. Was that the sexual energy you wanted? Oh my god, I was fucking hard the whole movie. Dude, I had a horrible Christmas movie experience. The whole thing, all I wanted to do was watch fucking Aquaman on fucking mushrooms. Shots out to a cumboy. He came through with acid.

I don't want to say his name because it is drugs, but salute. He's been to the Baltimore shows. He's been to, I believe, the first DC show. It was John Malkovich. It was John Malkovich. I went through his mind. It was famous actor John Malkovich. And then I was on the Jersey Turnpike.

How does that movie go? What's that? Being John Malkovich. Yeah, you just come out of the tunnel on the Jersey Turnpike or something. Yeah. Yeah. And you get to be John Malkovich? Yeah.

No, you go in an office building in this floor that's like a tiny door and you go in a tiny door and you become John Malkovich and when you come out, you're on the Jersey Turnpike. I love that you do that. Like, Staville say something correct and you go, uh, no, and then you didn't even listen to the question. I was sending a text. Oh, good. I came in.

Oh, no, you're wrong. That was exactly what you said with details that weren't asked. So what you get to do? Whatever you want is John Malkovich. Yeah. You can check off. You fuck. That's all they seem to do is fuck instead of like robbing a bank or yeah, you know,

I would do that. Honestly. Yeah. You just go up. What's up? He's a little slut. I'm John Malkovich. You ever seen rounders?

That's the one I used to get pussy. Yeah. You know, Teddy KGB bitch. You're looking at him. Yep. Come over here and suck this prick. I used to love that movie at freshman year of college. Oh, yeah.

When you were a rounder, Cyrus, the virus, the least intimidating prisoner in any movie ever. No, he's intimidating because he uses perfect English. Yeah. Unlike the rest. Attention, boys and girls, we have a heist we are planning to do just as soon as we we confirm that we are not being tracked. I've never seen.

He's just like twirling around the plane is limp ass fucking wrist. Nice. Yeah. I've never seen it. Sounds good though. Yeah. It looks like he's about to go into, you know, a little musical number the whole time. So Nick Cage is a good guy.

Little Pirates of Penzance. Nick Cage is a good guy. In that movie is a good guy. Yeah. He's got a mullet and shit. Yeah. He has a big long hair. He was a bad guy.

He's ripped. Well, it's it's it's everyone's a bad guy. I watched that adaptation again. Yeah. Fuck that movie. He's he's so you don't like that movie is amazing. I'm too stupid to get it, man. What do you mean?

It's there's nothing to get. I don't like it's not I just don't know what's a big fucking deal. It is. He becomes himself or something and then he's what the fuck is the orchid who cares and then we're following whatever some other bitch. It's an article written in the New Yorker that he's adapting. Oh, right. So that's that's why it's called adaptation.

OK. But then at the end he's about in New Yorker or is that it's about an orchid. Well, he's driving out of the fucking parking lot and it is him or it's not him. What's going on? Is it like a double? What for? Is he imagining himself? Is it always him?

No, thanks, man. Let me watch Dredd. Let me watch him all the fucker gets shot in the fucking head. You didn't even know what Dredd was until I showed it to you. I'm saying that's exactly my kind of genre. And I knew what it was. If you had known about it, you would have that would have been it was your thing. You would have already.

I thought you would like that movie because the scene where he beats off to the picture of Meryl Streep on the book jacket. Respect. He beats off. He beats off to everyone. Honestly. Listen. Not even like her body.

Just her face. The best is when he's done that. He's like beating off the fucking like Tilda Swinton, whoever is fucking like a little Asian is. Yeah. She's just reading the bus. She's like, oh, you're a genius. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, thanks. Yeah. Fuck my legs. Whatever. Fuck adaptation. That's my take. Yeah.

There's never been a movie about flowers about flowers for Algernon. That's not about flowers. Do you know the story behind adaptation when he was he was working on the Dana Carvey show on Fox? Mm hmm. That show that got it was ill fated canceled after like half a season or maybe one season. Great cash. The greatest writing room ever of all time like Schmeigel, Steve Carell, Colbert, like

all these guys. Yeah. Um, he was in the writing room and he had a sketch that he wrote called weird, weirder Al Yankovic. That's about Al Yankovic having a twin brother who did parodies of Al Yankovic's pair. I like that. And then over years that, that sketch became adaptation. See, he should have stuck with this and that of course could be the sketch I like.

The Gandolfini story that was told to me that I like bought. First of all, wait. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. He's got a brother in the movie. He has a twin brother in the movie. Oh, yes. It still fucking sucks, Dick, but you forgot that that's like the one of the main. So who is he at the end?

Is it the guy or is it his brother? What do you mean? His brother is also writing a script during the movie. He's taking like a stupid, stupid guy masterclass script writing and he's like, isn't there a part where he sort of, um, what, what would you do if you're writing a movie where nothing happens like real life? Let's see what Brian Cox is like. Nothing happens.

Get the fuck out waste my fucking time son. Every minute a child dies. I want to see that. Is there no, is there no like I haven't seen it like I haven't seen it. Is there no like magic or like weird shit? I don't even remember. What happened to that adaptation? You just saw it.

Yeah. There's there. I don't think there's like, there's some kind of magic or some kind of. Is there something like that for real? No, there's no magic. No, I don't think so. The guy is the guy the whole time. He's not imagining anything.

Yeah. He imagines things like much like he's writing himself into the story and he becomes a fictionalized version of himself. It's okay. There is an imagination aspect to it, but I would say that a human being, I would say that you, for instance, imagining that you're fucking someone, isn't you're not doing mad magic first of all. It absolutely is.

It's not a magical. It's just something that we're all just doing. But does he ever interact with the fake version of himself? It's not the fake version of himself. Like does the fake guy come out of the fucking movie and knock on his door or some shit? What are you talking about? It's his twin brother. Doesn't that happen?

Oh, like in the movie? Yeah. Like the guy from the movie. Yeah. He becomes part, it all just sort of wraps in on itself. It's like sort of spiral. But then the fake guy he's imagining, does he ever like knock on his fucking door and he comes out.

Like a third Nikkei. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nothing like that. What do you mean? Is it magic? Nothing like that.

Magic. He's just imagining. Oh, maybe I could use his brother with like a magic version of himself. Well, going into it, you have to understand that like the Charlie Kaufman is a real guy. Yeah. And the main character's name is Charlie Kaufman. Yeah. But he always does weird shit and Charlie Kaufman is a real guy that woman.

What's her name? Orlene or whatever is a real part? All of these are real. Susan orlene. Yeah. He was hired to adapt the screenplay. Did he ever do it? Well, that was the script he turned in.

That was the adaptation of the book. Because he said that. That sucked. That was literally. Fuck that, dude. He didn't do the job. Why? It's a book about flower thieves.

Yeah. That's better. That sounds cool to me. I don't know. I don't think that's... They hired him to adapt the movie and then he turned in that script after because they option, you know, he showed it to what's her name Susan orlene and initially she was like, fuck no.

I'm not fucking making this movie. She did what's up just now. Yeah, which she should have done. Fuck this. She should have stuck to her guns. Fuck you. And then they made it. It's one of the greatest movies of all time.

No, it sucks. I think it's really good. If you don't like Charlie Kaufman, you're... No, I like... I like Charlie Kaufman. No, I don't like that one. You can go ahead and just back the fuck out of the entertainment industry. Stop doing stand-up.

You're not gonna kick off the podcast though. What is Charlie Kaufman? Charlie Kaufman can suck my dick honestly. Shut up. You're not allowed to be an artist anymore. Don't talk out and take it away from me. I like Charlie Kaufman. I just didn't like fucking adaptation. Did you like any of his other movies?

He did Eternal Sunshine. Eternal Sunshine, of course. And that movie's got a lot of magic in it. I'm an emotional little thought. I get that. Yeah, but he does magic by embracing people's brains. That's straight forward to me. It's magic.

Wait, it's not straight forward. It's magic. Yeah, but there's not a confusing number of new cages. I get it. Science. Everyone's going in. It's science. There's an explanation behind that one.

There's a machine and shit. Fucking adaptation. I don't know. And then it's a fucking, we don't learn shit about the flowers. The flowers seem cool. They're a little lotus and shit. I'm on board on the actual scene. The guy in the swamp trying to find the flowers.

Yes. That's your shit. Give me some galoshes. Let me get in the swamp, baby. Who's it? Chris Cooper? Chris Cooper. What else did Charlie Kaufman do?

He did Sinecta Key, New York. I haven't seen it. Being John Malcolm. He will be in Schenectady, New York if you want to come see me. Spike Jonestor, right? January 10th. No, I think Spike Jonestor wrote it. Or no, January 13th or something.

He did that puppet movie that I fell asleep during. And Yama Lisa? Yeah. Yama Lisa wasn't good. I didn't, I didn't see it. Did he do Mary and Max? No. I fell asleep.

No, he did an Yama Lisa though. He did an Yama Lisa. Yeah. As fuck. Young Lisa. Yeah. He wrote the movie Yamanica. Yo, if you were to adapt Yamanica to a screen.

I would watch the shit out of that. Just add just Yamanica as Nikkei, Nikkei swap them out. I'll watch adaptation then. That'd be good. Oh, I guess he wrote Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. That's right. Yeah. That's a good movie.

Well, he wrote one draft of the screenplay and it was rewritten because you watch it and it almost feels like a Charlie Kaufman movie, but then it's it's like a little bit. It's exanitized. I just watched Analyze This and now that's a good when I was watching the credits role. The guy who wrote it is this Kenneth Longerin, the guy that wrote like Manchester by the sea. Really? And like all these intense dramas.

And then I guess I looked it up and he like wrote the movie and then refused to ever watch it. Respect. Get that check. Yeah. Kenneth Longerin like it's kind of funny because that movie came out like a month after the Sopranos premiered. And like, stop.

Your last name is? No, it isn't. Whatever you're saying. It isn't. Stop longer than a man's ass and it is a woman's pussy. No. No. That one, it feels better.

Wait. Oh, what if you have that magical power where your dick is huge but only in a man's ass? Would it drive you? Would it drive you to being gay? I think so. Of course. Once again, we return to you not understanding what magic means. That's magic!

You have the most order a second. That is magic. Your dick getting bigger in a man's ass than a woman's pussy. That's textbook magic. That is textbook magic. The definition of black girl magic. The most magical guy I know in terms of thinking. Thank you.

You have a magical brain. Thank you. I like that black girl magic is like having a LinkedIn page. Yeah. It's not magic at all. It's magic. Having references that people can call that are fake numbers. Discards.

Anyway, I'm just saying that is exactly what magic is. I guess it's, I mean, whatever. What are we going to talk about? And then the question is, does that, hmm, now gender starts getting involved? Because now gender starts getting involved. Would it be biological? Let's get gender. Let's say you fuck a trans woman who is biologically a man.

Does the magic hold up? Well, it depends what you believe. Biologically, I don't, oh, so it would be what I believe it would only work on regular ass men. Well, I'm saying like, if you think that's a woman, then, oh, that's a real way to find out what you really believe. Push comes to shove. I quit wearing compression shorts is underwear.

Like I went, I went back to read what, yeah, I'll deal with them a while, but now it's just, I'm not used to having underwear stuck in my ass anymore. I know that feeling because I went back to regular underwear and I switched levels and shit. Yeah, yeah, it's fine. Okay. I think they're fine. Yeah.

They're probably fine. My dick's just really big and I wouldn't want people to miss out on this. No. Magic. Magic. Yeah. Yeah. The computer has detected a no override.

This is a bigger computer with more chips. I'm afraid I can't let you do that stuff than the I'm afraid I can't let you do that stuff. I am afraid your dick is small. Is that how the computer? Yeah. Oh, anyway, this is a bigger computer and stops dick is beauty. Yeah. I said, I like to like to be good at chess.

You either have to be a super computer built by IBM, some Russian slave of the state or just like a homeless black guy, a black guy that lives outside a hustler and then you're good at chess. Some like grand champion went and played those guys and they were he was like, yeah, they're good. But they also just cheat constantly. What do you mean? Like he caught the guy like trying to like just take a piece.

Yeah. Yeah. Wasn't. Yeah. Yeah. Just really fast. Yeah. He like tried to like take a rook instead of a pawn or some shit and he caught him.

It was, it was pretty good video. Yeah. So yeah, prosecute the homeless for crimes like that. Yeah. This is shot that Giuliani's back, baby. Look, here's how it look. You can save money for the city and really help a lot of social issues. Get rid of the beat cops.

You put one cop with a sniper rifle on top of the Empire State and he's got a radio hooked up to his head and we all, all the white people get walkie talkies and we're like, we need assistance, officer, assistance. Police. And he's like, I'm on it. And then the bullet fire, let me see it spin rifling through the air as it goes through somebody's like, somebody's reading a newspaper and it like goes like, right, like that corn video.

Yeah. Freak on a leash. The bullet going through stuff. Nevermind. Somebody put this freak on a leash. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'd like.

Yeah. And the leash is a man. Dude, what a gay ass name for. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Man in line. Freak on a leash.

Dude, you could be such a fucking just loser in 1998. Yeah, with limp biscuit corn, they like went on a summer tour together. Wow. I don't know. Fuck. What was it called? They did one with like Method Man was on it. Yeah.

Snoop was on it. They did a weird one like that. Rappers. Yeah. Yeah. The tour for guys who wear air walks and date a fat girl, it doesn't speak and basically lives out of her. Do you remember the guitars to corn had a had a dreadlocks and his name was monkey.

It was a white guy. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. The guy with the weird contacts. That's West Borland from he might have had contacts too, but West Borland from Limp Biscuit had weird contacts. Yeah.

But the main the main corn guy also had dreadlocks Jonathan Davis. Yeah. Davis, Jonathan and if John Davis, you also created Garfield. A lot of people don't know. The guy, the guy who created Garfield, you think you only have one hit and you're like coming up with corn. But then the Yang, he's like, what about a cat that's psycho? What if a cat was a freaking psycho speaking of psychos, I know you guys are crazy for

gambling online. Oh, yeah. We all know that about you. And we know that about you. That's why you listen to the show because you're you're you're degenerate game. You're fucking game. Similar to Jason Patrick and the Supriza Leonos. Yeah.

We just watch that up. We goes into the executive game website for you bet DSI.com. What's the D stand for? Dick. Yeah. What's the S stand for? Sock. What's the I stand for?

Immaculate. Dick. Sock immaculate. Bet. What's the B stand for? But. Oh, sorry. But.

Yeah. It stands for bitch, eat the dick slowly. I implore you. That's right. Yeah. Dick. Sock immaculate bitch. Eat the dick slowly.

I implore you. Dot com. Dot com. Bitch. Eat the dick. Slowly. And then what's the I? I implore you in incest.

Better eat the dick slow, I tell that I tell you. Yeah. I like that. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes, ma'am. Betting. Don't sign up if you're Italian.

Yeah. That's what. Yeah. You got bookies for that kind of shit. Yeah. Don't fuck. Listen, you got a local economy to worry about. Somebody got fucking pizza sauce all over the website.

They will not accept dollars that have been stained in fucking marinara sauce. They do not take dego box. Bet the si.com. The premier sports betting website for non-Italians. Go there. Sign up. Play bet. Win.

They got an easy to use mobile app unless you're some fucking dumb ass dego. Like, why am I pressing the buttons over here? My. My, get in here. You fucking bitch. Get in here. I'm trying to game. Oh.

Yeah. Don't even try to use that app if you're some fucking dumb wop piece of shit. This is straight out of the mouth of the company, by the way. The CEO called us. The CEO called us. He was like, listen. Hello. It's the CEO of bet the si.

We love that you guys are for free and without any kind of provocation. Promoting our... Yeah. We just believe in the product. We're so glad you guys believe in the product, but make sure that none of those filthy degos get their grubby dego vans on our thumb prints, on our mobile app, which you can use anywhere except Italy. The servers will make your phone explode if you try to use it there.

They offer odds on pretty much everything guys, sports, politics, you know, who created Garfield. That's right. You can bet on all the things we say on the show. Absolutely. So go ahead and check them out on that website. That's right. What's that website again?

bettsi.com. Which stands for what? Uh, bitch, eat the dick, suck it back in, I implore you. And uh... It changes the Italian name. Oh yeah. Yeah. Bitch, um, eat the dick.

What the fuck does DSI stand for? Now that I think about it, I've never known. It really doesn't stand for anything. It sounds cool. I would bet that it doesn't stand for anything. Well, you know, you can wager that. Well, they've been around forever. It was probably just some 90s thing where they're like, put some letters in there.

So it sounds like a computer. It might, it probably stands for something. Yeah. I think so. It's such a good company. Why wouldn't it stand for anything? It's like our cars or cars are like it's a, it's a NFX, you know, it's like it doesn't mean anything.

It's just, you just pick letters at random. Um, yeah, you can bet if you're dumb asses would have taken the Ravens over the fucking chargers like I fucking told you use would be rich right now. The fucking dirty birds coming into the fucking playoffs, they offer live in-game wagering so you can hedge your bet by placing a counter bet. Put your home on the Ravens fucking beating the Browns. Fuck the Browns. Get your go into the playoffs, baby, get the Ravens for the Superbowl.

In fact, get your whole saw stuff. Sauce your hole. Sauce up your fucking hole, bitch. That's your whole TM bet the SI.com bet the SI sauce, your sauce, your whole when you sign up, make sure you use promo code come 120 CUM 120 so they know we send you when you sign up. You've got some options. You can just play and cash out or you can take the bonus money, which is like getting

a casino comp up front before you've played at the tables. What kind of tables are those gambling, gambling tables. That's right. Tables, tables, no fuck that, you know, not coffee tables. That's for sure. Not the tables. Yeah. Sure.

Why do they call them coffee tables? Because you fucking spill a bunch of coffee on them to the color T tables. That's how you get the color on it because you're because of all the spilling tea that goes on. No, no, they shouldn't. They call me John Coffee, like the drink spipped, not spelled the same. Todd Coffee. Dude, imagine Michael Clark Duncan like going into the audition and he's like, my name

is Michael Clark Duncan. I'm a classically trained actor and they're like, okay, you play this large black prisoner and he's like, they call me John Coffee, like the drink, except not spelled this. They're like, um, he's more, um, a, you must have had some family members that had lead poison. I just imagine you've probably been to a barbecue with the least teeth who's in charge of the smoker. In fact, it's permanently attached to his car.

Yeah. The uncle that brought his own pigs to slaughter in front of the children before the barbecue. Yeah. He's never attached the other side of those overalls, you know, that guy has probably got a name named like Bootsie or something. You know, your uncle, whose father somehow was a sharecropper, you know, he's like, this is obscene. I have three names.

I'm gay. I'm gay. Right. It's my destiny. I'm almost as gay as Michael Ian Black. All right. So when you sign up, do the thing, take the bonus money, which is like getting a casino comp up front, play the tables.

It has a rollover requirement. Remember singular wireless bet the SI brought to you by singular wireless requirement, but it's free cash. So if you're going to be in the sports book, which is where we like to gamble, dude, what a cool line. I honestly love it. I'm so glad they gave me that cool line to read. Well, yeah.

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I would love if my dick was worth money instead of being a liability. It was an asset. That would be nice. So once again, that's bet the SI.com promo code 120. Let's start the show. Let's start the show. Welcome to come. So Macaulay Culkin is changing his middle name that Macaulay Culkin.

Macaulay Culkin. He's out of for adaptation stuff, Zevon. Wait, what's he doing? He's changing his middle name to Macaulay Culkin. Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin. I tell you, when that guy dies, it won't be soon enough. He's in a commercial. I got no issues with Macaulay.

I have no issues either. I just can't imagine the pain. He's in a commercial for Siri or Alexa or something. Yeah. He's still his asshole still hasn't like undialated for real sad when I found out he's in a velvet underground cover band where he makes all the lyrics about pizza. Yeah. It's like, well, the man live.

Yeah. Yeah. We all know what pizza is code for. Yeah. Let's not look any further into that. Damn. Pizza. Damn.

That's the whole thing. The under the pizza underground is the name of the band. You just crack the case. Sorry. Don't do that silent thing. Don't do the silent thing. Now you're just looking at me. We're all just something though.

I think I think I'm sorry for exclaiming, but he was raped as a child for sure. The Podesta emails. Damn, dude. You think there was like a comet ping pong. Do you think they did like a like a draft from also Podesta is Italian for pedophile. That's awesome. I didn't even know that. Yeah, I know.

Put it together. Podesta. Kesse. My audience. Hello. Podesta. Yes. Kesse.

They do it. Pero file. He is podesta. Yeah. Kiku. Pupupipi. Yup. Now, who got the fuck the famous kids?

Was there like, do you think there was a bidding war? Do you think it was a key party? You see that thing about there's like a deleted scene in the, in what is the Sasha Baron Cohen show called? Yes. Yeah. Were they uncovered that thing in Vegas? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My man was just going to set him up with a, with a child to fuck. Yeah. Insane.

And the FBI is like, we don't got time for this. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. We're setting up Muslims over here. We've got to convince a retarded Muslim guy to pick up a fake bomb. The percentage of Guantanamo you think is retards that just accidentally got, got clicked on the wrong link.

And they just love the feeding tube. Yeah. This is fun. I think 10% probably 10% I think that's probably an honest. I mean, like, look, everybody likes to think that we live a civilized life, but if we had an island where we just put all the retards, like it's not too far off from what we already do. Do that.

What do you mean? No. I mean, if society, if like, look, if things had gone differently, you could have easily lived in a world where we just deported all of the mentally retarded people to an island somewhere where they live in complete isolation and nobody would be king. No one, no one, none of these will be problem. They would say, Oh yeah, of course, you just put retarded people on the island. Duh.

Yeah. You know. Would there be cameras? Trust me. I've thought about it. Yeah. This would be the Truman show. And then some activists would try to come free the retards and just get murdered.

What I don't like about the Truman show is that the premise is that you'd like somebody if you knew them in their private moments, which human beings are fucking disgusting. Yeah. There's no way. Jack off all the time. He wouldn't be, I mean, beyond the jacking off, if you had access to that man's private moments, you would despise him. Oh, he'd eat boogers and like far, you know, much Chinese food out of the trash.

Yeah. I got that. I let it. I strained it like a whole pot of pasta and it tipped over into the trash and I ate the top pasta. Let's see. Yeah. Easy money right there, brother.

You got to eat the top part. Yeah. Um, yeah, I've done some gross things. Yeah. We all have. Damn. What if Truman was like a fucking criminal or a pedophile? Well, they've caught him.

They've turned him in. No, they just keep watching that damn show. I mean, just like, like a show where if, you know, you could just, you know, you could just see a man staring in the mirror, home by himself, just going, just fucking kill yourself. Yeah. Just fucking kill yourself. Fuck you.

Just fucking kill yourself over and over and over again for hours. Bitch. Yeah. Bitch. You fucking pussy. Fuck. Yeah. Yeah.

Just shut the fuck up. Just shut up. I'm like this island, would there be roads? They have their own dune buggies? We can't get out. Yes. They have their own dune buggies. What the fuck is happening in your hand?

Oh, the Isle of the Retards? Oh, yeah. Yeah. The Isle of the Retards. I mean, no, they would develop their own technology. Oh, it would be sort of a really funny car. Well, they can't use tools. That's like the cutoff that separates humans from retards.

As humans are able. Monkeys can use tools, man. Yeah. I know. I said humans from retards. I didn't say humans from monkeys. Come on. Retarded guys can do that.

Yeah. You know who can't make tools? Retarded monkey. I don't know. If he wants to crack open a wall, not bad enough, he'd figure it out. You'd be funny if there was like, like somehow there's a chimp that's born like way more advanced than the other ones and its face looks more human. And then we find out this entire time.

Dr. Isaiah's. Every single. Shut the fuck up. Every single chimp just had chimp down syndrome. And then there was, they finally got the combo right and they made a normal one. And then it proves, like people think it proves evolution, but it's a chimp that's like, can I put on pants please? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You just give me some pants. Yeah. Yeah. You know. All these retarded kids keep raping me. All the retarded kids in my class keep holding me down. He speaks English. It's like, yeah.

It's not that fucking hard to learn. I've had to communicate with people to only scream and throw shit and they're all incredibly strong. Yeah. Would he be just as strong or no? Well, I don't know. I'd have to ask a geneticist. Maybe we can get one on the show.

Yeah, let's call it geneticists. No. Excuse me doctor. We have a question for you. Are you Genesis? Yeah. Let's, let's say here that every, every quote unquote, regular chimpanzee actually has a chimpanzee version of Down syndrome.

Click. Sorry. I think we got cut off there. We got disconnected. And so the Down syndrome chimps. Click. Yeah. Listen.

They're fucking right. Don't you fucking hang up on me. It's a cute monkey. The cube. The regular one. Yeah. That's a good question. That's a great question.

Yeah. I'm what you call a thinking man's genius. You're actually the sucking man's penis. Yeah. What do you think of that? Yeah. I'm what you call a gay man's straight guy. A straight guy that loves gay men.

Put loads in my ass. They love me. A big drag brunch. Yeah. When I suck them all off in the bathroom. I've never been able to beat a Rubik's Cube in my life. They're not hard, dude. You just have to learn the system.

I don't want to learn the trick. I want to do it by life. You have to match up the middle pieces with the other side. Adam doesn't know what he's talking about. Yes, it is. The outside middle pieces. Adams literally never solved a Rubik's Cube and he never will. I think I did.

You think? Yeah. You don't know. What the fuck am I listening to your ass for then? Someone told me how to do it. I just never did it. Oh, is that what happened? Yeah.

Are you trying to steal? The memory of something. Someone told me what it is. And I'm like, well, now I know the trick. I don't have to try it out. I just know the trick. If someone tells you a magic trick, do you do the magic trick? Yes.

I do every time. No, you don't do the magic trick. You say, okay, I know how that works. I've done it every time. I intellectually know how that works. No. Whatever. Oh, I never forget.

What happened to me on fucking Christmas? I wanted to see Aquaman. And I take a bunch of acid and I fucking we're going to East Point Mall, shouts out to the mall of my youth to see the new, to see Aquaman. And we get there. We're like, my brother's like, where's it got to be Aquaman 2018? So true. Almost 2019.

So fucking true. I can be a black woman. Yeah. Aquablack. It's a good question. That's a great question. And I have no answer for it. But I get there and the fucking movie is sold out on Christmas at a shitty fucking theater.

And I'm already on acid as fuck. And all my, my brothers are like, one of my brothers like, dude, I can't go to another theater. This one's comfortable for me. I'm on acid. It's like, all right, we'll just go back home. And we just, and my other brother who's sober is like, oh, just throw on cocoa. It's got like vibrant colors and shit.

That movie is just about, no, that movie is just about, you know, it's just about the cocoa. That movie is just about death and like your family. I cried for like three hours. Bro. And I just got cocoa. Why can't it be about a black? It's about.

And I'm just sitting there on acid. I can't imagine how sad is shit thinking about people I've lost my strained relationship with my family. I was on a fucking plane. All I wanted to see was a fucking fish fight a motherfucker with a trident and shit and with bright ass colors. I was on a plane to Vegas and like every time I go home to visit my parents, like half the plane is people.

They're like, Vegas. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I was watching cocoa. Oh no.

Weeping. And they're just this fucking Dominican guys, these two Dominican guys in my row, just like drinking like hard the entire flight. They turn around to me crying. They'd be like, yo, are you are you good, bro? Are you good, bro? Yeah, dude. But cocoa was a great film.

Now that's a good movie. That movie is that movie is incredible. Yeah. Absolutely. I fucking. Shut up to Pixar, dude. Last time I was on acid, I watched two Expendables. I watched Expendables two and three and it was awesome.

You know, my brother did to call me down because I was literally crying when I was peaking as cocoa was ending and I went upstairs and I'm just crying in the bathroom and I come down and I just all I hear is the beginning scene to Thor Ragnarok and I was home. That was a magical moment for me. Your brother really knows. He loves you and I just fucking fell down into my security blanket. Watch Thor Ragnarok on Christmas after crying about cocoa for a cocoa. Do you call your dad?

Fuck no. My dad can suck my dick. But I did cry. But I will say it shouts out to cocoa. Good ass film. Yeah. The movie is incredible. Vice wasn't that good.

It was all right. I mean, I got to say I was gimmicky. I was annoyed with Christian Bale stealing stole a role from the fat bald community. Having said that, he did look like Dick Cheney. Yeah. He's all the acting is incredible. Yeah. Yeah.

Makes them do Shakespeare in the middle of it for no reason and it's like, I know the fucking story. Just tell the fucking story. Yeah. Oh, what about well, you guys want to go see Rockwell as George Bush absolutely fucking murders it though kills it. He's a very good actor. Yeah.

He's so good and he's hilarious too. He's so fucking stupid. Yeah. He is good. What part of Japan are you looking at on your phone now? I'm not looking at Japan anymore. What are you looking at now? Nothing.

I'm porn. Doing nothing. Why? Do your podcast. I'm saying I'm trying to. What do you think about Kevin's basic? That was the best fucking thing I've ever seen a mile. I smiled so hard, dude.

My brain wasn't working. I was like, this is. I imagine it made me so happy. I was smiling so hard, dude. I got I would make it better as if he was making Kraft macaroni. That's what was happening in the kitchen is he's assembling a lunchable. So while he's doing it, you wouldn't believe something without looking into the evidence to yourself.

Did I mention I was gay now? Yeah. You loved me and you wanted it the whole time. You wanted me to do these things, but you didn't say anything. Did you? Because you loved me and you wanted it. I mean, that's how you know he's like serious about acting. Yeah.

He loves acting. He thought acting would be the answer. I'm going to act my way out of this. I mean, it's, you know, it's funny. It's like the actor version of Louis being like, you know what they need? Spots. Yeah. That's what they want me to do is spots.

Everybody's waiting for my triumphant return to spots and Kevin space is like the power of my acting will help them see past the rape of a child that just for some reason mirrors this character. So technically I can talk about it's the character kid like snapchat or FaceTime to his girlfriend while he was getting molested by Kevin spacey because she didn't believe him. No. Yeah.

She's like, babe, you're not going to believe this Kevin spacey is molesting me right now. What did he do? He sucked the kid off or something. He got the kid drunk. He was like 17 or 18. You got him. He was 18 year old drunk at a bar and shoved his hand down his pants and was like playing with his dick.

Damn. But then it's so funny that he sent it to his girlfriend. Yo, and you know, babe, babe, you're not going to check it out. Look, he's got his hand on my cock. Fuck it. Kaiser. So do you see that shit? Dude.

Yeah. That post isn't that video is incredible. Yeah. I don't know. Has he has he like raped children or anything like just like he's he's like boys, a Brian singer, but he's also and explained to me why he's been on Jeffrey Epstein's plane. Why he doesn't like teenage girls. Maybe they have some boys there too, because they're all pedophiles because they're explicitly

pedophiles. Damn. They really all are pedophiles. Why was he on that? Like in what like how what is the overlap between those two guys? They just love other than like the Clinton Foundation. They just love doing charitable work in fucking, you know, Africa or wherever the fuck, the Clinton Foundation does work.

My little brother in the middle of us being one acid, there's a fucking pause and the no one's really saying anything and he just goes killery Clinton and he's just like, tell me why. And he just starts listing from memory. Just people. The Hill. The Clintons have supposedly killed. Yeah.

And then he's like crooked Hill and little bill. Dude, I mean, but really though, the fucking Epstein thing is fucking insane. And it's like, it gets people cared for two days when they thought it was a Trump thing. And then as soon as it wasn't like, you know, like, they're like, funny that none of the pizza gate people seem to care about this. And then the pizza gate people are like, we did. We've mentioned him a billion fucking time. He's like the Lynch pin in the whole Trump is trying to take down his network of like

the whole QAnon thing, whatever. That's misguided and retarded also. But like you have right here in front of you evidence of some kind of elite pedophile ring. I feel like it's even less than two days that my Miami Herald article came out and literally no one. Yeah. No, people cared a lot for like a day. Yeah.

They did. And it just went back to not care. Yeah. Didn't some guy say Dershowitz? He watched Dershowitz fuck a child or something on Twitter. Yeah. Yeah, Dershowitz was like, what was his defense? It was crazy.

Oh, that he was always on the plane with his family. That was his defense. He was like, I only flew that plane with my family. And according to something we've heard, we got a scoop that's even better than anything anti lawyer ever said. And we won't ever tell you on the show. You have to hear it from us in person. That's right.

But we will tell you the live Adam sucked off Jeffrey Epstein. Dude, I'm excited for that world tour. When anything I'm excited to tour Croatia, bring the podcast to Kuala Lumpur before we ever do Cleveland again. Yeah. Before we do LA before we do LA or Chicago, we're going to do the live podcast. Bratislava. Sierra Leone.

I will be in LA on the second by a second show during the live podcast, I'll be in Eastern Sahara, Western Sahara, disputed desert territory, disputed territory. Yeah. I would love to do a live show in Nigeria. Yeah. Yeah. Hire that sign language interpreter. Oh, yeah.

That was a good motherfucker right there. Boy. Dude, I bet you they would love African guy in Nigeria. Absolutely. Because you know what? I know enough about Nigerians that I could do an hour of Nigerian comedy and it would resonate. Well, especially the stuff about the Nigerian business association or whatever.

Oh, yeah. We just go. We're like, why the fuck are people wearing closed toe shoes? Why isn't everyone wearing sandals here? Where's the craft services table? Is it attached to your wife's head? Where's that woman that also functions as the craft services table? The woman with bananas and charcuterie strapped to her fucking dough.

Yeah. Excuse me. Excuse me. Bitch. Do you have peanuts? You know that head? You got cashews on your on your bitch. Get your bitches here.

Put some cashews on. You can do a woman that speaks seven languages just like French, English. I'm sorry. Peckable. What's your name? Coco. It's Rachel. Listen, Coco.

I'm going to need some fruit rollups in that hat of yours. I'm not wearing a hat. Well, strike two. Yep. We'll be in Nigeria. We should figure it out and just go to some beachy ass places. Yeah. I'm trying to lay on the beach.

Nigeria's got some beaches. Yeah. Beautiful Nigerian beaches. They have nice beaches. Do they? Yeah. I'll go. Western Africa.

I don't know shit about geography, man. Don't fucking talk like you know shit either. Yeah. It's by it's by just because your family went and helped to the one white African country do genocide. We didn't. Doesn't mean you fucking know about geography. No, we didn't.

Just because you know my parents, some other people. I'm drinking rum and red boo. I forgot about that song. It's a fucking banger, bro. I got fizzied up this. I will say I did have a fun time though. Had a little party for Christmas. You guys got to come to the house.

I think we're going to be throwing parties. It's fun, dude. So a little little intimate party with your bros get fucking trash sitting when I saw vice I was sitting next to this old Jewish couple and you know Dick Cheney had a lesbian daughter. Yeah, I know. I fucked her. So like right before the daughter comes out of the closet to her parents in the movie, it's just this old Jewish man next to me goes, she's gay and so am I and then he kisses

you. I'm gay too. And then he kisses your neck and sucks your dick in the movie theater. I was there with my fiancee. Yeah. She liked it. She was calling you gay for doing getting it done. I'm like God.

I'm never going to call her that. It's so gay. Beyonce. I like it. No. I like girlfriend. Sounds cute. I like why for a girlfriend.

You should call you. You look like the kind of guy would call her a partner. This is my partner cowboy, Dasha. This is my partner, Mrs. Necrosse. Yeah, but whatever, we'll have a fun wedding. You guys are invited. Oh, actually everyone that listens to come towns. You're all invited.

All of you guys. It's at the Chucky cheeses on the Bronx. No. No, yeah, we're going to do it in Minsk, where Dasha's family. Yeah. You go back to the motherland. Yeah. Yeah.

The Chernobyl fallout song sounds good to me. Yeah. I can't wait. I love a nice damn wedding. I'm not coming to your fucking wedding. Shut up, dude. You didn't even say congratulations. Yeah.

Stop saying congratulations. I'm going to be a part where they're like, and if anyone has reasons why just to kick down the doors of church, he's gay. That's like a thing that only existed in movies. Yeah. I think that I thought like all the weddings were like, I dude, I was so mad. Yeah. I went to my first wedding.

Yeah. And no one. No one fucks with it. Yeah. Come on. No one does that. Yeah. The graduate.

Do they even say it? And if anyone, no, of course they don't say it. That's not a part of a wedding. Yeah. Yeah. Just some gay man in the nineties who wrote movies. He's like, well, I've never been to a wedding. Yeah.

This is what I've always tried to do. Unpathomobile that I would ever get married. That's what a gay wedding is. It's just drama. I texted the boys that I got engaged. I was like, we went to the diamond store and we got a look at the boys YouTube. And then stop saying, Oh dude, congrats. And Nick says, lol diamond store.

That's right. Yeah. That's cute that you're engaged though. Yeah. I guess so. Maybe I should find love. Yeah. You should do a dude.

Come get really smooth and greased up with me. I do like the part about the smooth and greasy. Yeah, dude. Let's be smooth and greasy together and straight as hell. That sounds straight to me. It becomes so straight. We never have girlfriends again. Oh, and we just hang out all the time.

We just hang out. Without girlfriends. Without girlfriends. We just spend all the time hanging out and hugging. We become Bert and Ernie except with no shirts. That's the kind of shit we do anyway. Shut up, dude. You're not Bert or Ernie.

I'm fucking horny for that kind of shit. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what, we're going to cut it short here. Listen, folks. Nope, that's exactly it now. Hold on. If you're a second show added in LA, please come out and fucking on the second, February 2nd, and then the tour is kicking off big dick time.

January 10th, I'm in fucking York or some shit. 11th Pittsburgh, 12th Buffalo, 13th Schenectady, New York. Just like that fucking dumb ass movie. 19th, I'm in Phoenix. The 20th, I'm in Tucson. Hartford on the 24th. Delaware on the motherfucking 25th. San Diego on the 27th.

LA on the motherfucking 2nd. The goddamn but the breakfast tour, baby. We're all having sex on that thing. And then come see Funny Moms on the 14th. I'm at Lincoln Lodge sometime in March. Yeah, go see Nick at Lincoln Lodge. Everyone that came to see me, except that one dumb bitch that got drunk and shit. Was there a Nazi?

I thought there was a Nazi in that show. I don't think so. In Chicago. I don't believe there were Nazis in Chicago. But anyway, please come out and see, see me on the tour. Go see Nick at the fucking Lincoln Lodge and come see Funny Moms on the 14th, I believe. Yep, the 14th. We'll be back.

All right, everyone. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. This is our Christmas Spectacular. This is our post Christmas. Post Christmas Spectacular Boxing Day. Oh, I know a little thing about boxing. I'll show you a little bit of boxing.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I know a thing or two about fucking boxing. Is boxing years a real thing that you can do? What do you mean? Like where you cup your hands and you slam somebody in the ears. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. You can straight up kill somebody doing that shit.

You can kill someone that way? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That really works? No, you can't hear it. I'll fucking do it. Don't do it to me. I'll fucking thunder clap your ears. Don't touch me.

Oh, fuck. All right. Later, folks. See you later.