The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 136 – My big fat ass huge ass life

Episode Date: January 3, 2019

im getting back into reality tv

Um We're uh, this is good. We're good. Are we good? We're good Penis check but the pain of papa penis. Well, I Had the flu stop had the flu. Mm-hmm So I had a wild stomach problem But we've that we've we did it dude. I was I was straight shit in my britches for a full 24 hours I don't understand what you need. I used to be pro I

Get in the flu shot, but Yeah, I guess I haven't gotten it. Yeah, I've you know what I don't trust it man now I think about it. I have never gotten I got it once one time because the ladies pressured me into it. I thought I did once but I've never done it Yeah, I've never done it once. I'm not against it I mean I'm for it in theory But I have like you know not speeding through a school zone isn't that bad if we don't get it isn't that bad someone's I've heard the phrase herd immunity, and I don't know if that means hurt immunity heard heard

Like if more people get it, you're supposed to get the flu shot not to protect you but to protect some old Somebody's grandma, you know what I'm thinking though Get the fuck out of here. Here's the thing if I have to get a flu shot to protect some old bitch We take away people's drivers licenses at age 60 Yeah, how about that kind of hurt a hundred percent where if I get pricked in my arm, you're allowed to fucking run over Yeah, a field trip. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah a black child doesn't get their fucking doesn't get crashed by a Buick Yeah, so that I think that's the only way I'll do it. Yeah, I want some old bitch with cataracts off the road Pontiac Bonneville

Cruise right through a fucking state fair Is this the way to my grandson's house? Hopefully someone sneezes on that woman before Before they let her renew her driver's license by mail Honestly all these old people. They're the ones voting for fuck. They're the ones voting for Trump. Honestly. Yeah, you know what? Have you got the food? That's how we go out and find a volunteer. Go find where old people live and start sneezing in their mailbox The second you get the flu go hit up a bingo hall, right? Let's get this. Let's fucking flip these numbers, baby Yeah, you know I'm saying let's get motherfucking Bernie in here 2020 You know, although apparently he's sexist. Isn't that right? Yeah, I just

We've got Abby Rosenquist in the mix Adam is Uh, where is Adam? Oh the the gay sex convention. I'm looking forward to stepping on bits in his honor. Yeah. Yeah Already getting roasted. Oh You know what else is happening in Phoenix the star star us Halkus will be doing stand-up there. Oh January fuck 18th, I should really know this. I'm worried about this this shit selling actually Phoenix. What a white trash name for a city Ha ha ha ha Phoenix on the 19th, so please come out to that and then Pittsburgh on the 11th Buffalo on the 12th

Anyway, I'll do more plugs later. But those are the ones. I'm worried about selling so please buy your tickets And but I I'm excited people say Phoenix you know, it's trashy, the old ladies with big fake tits, maybe I'll get sucked off by a divorcee. Yeah, Arizona is trashy as shit, but it's like so far away that no one cares. So you meet people from Arizona and they're like, well, I'm from Arizona. So you know what that means? Like, no, I don't.

Shut up. I don't care. It's not Florida. I don't care. Yeah. I'm sure it's the same exact thing as Florida. Florida did it first. Right.

Right. Right. Right. Right. I mean, this floor has cute or has Miami, you know what I'm saying? Like your family relocated there to be cool or something. I'm not sure what. Yeah.

It's a real, I don't understand the appeal. I guess it's hot, but it's like people golf. I think it was originally. Arizona still. Yeah. It's a dry heat. I guess that's that's what the appeal is. Oh, really?

I think so. Interesting. It was entirely founded by people. That's why we stole it from Mexico. Yeah. We need this shit for our fucking sickly mother fuckers. Well, the desert's about secrets. Yeah.

That's why America has a desert. Keep all of our military secrets out there. True. The Indians. Yep. You know, aliens go there. Aliens. If aliens.

Okay. Wouldn't Trump have popped off about aliens yet? They wouldn't tell him. Yeah. He doesn't know about it. The president doesn't know. No. The president's not briefed on everything.

Obama and probably you know, didn't you see Independence Day? You're right. You're right. I'm sorry. He's not. You're like, sir, that's not technically correct. Do you think that flashing light was really a power plant, dude? You know what I'm saying?

I mean, of course not. In Queens? Dude, that shit was cool. What was it? The fucking aliens, dude. That shit was awesome. It was cool. The sky was blue as fuck.

Were you here? You saw it? I saw it. I thought I was like, oh, we're dying. He was in a story. I was in a story. It was like, and I thought it was like something exploded because it's like, because from where I was, it was on the ground.

I mean, something exploded. Yeah, it did. You're right. Yeah. But you know what I mean? This should be clear. Did you hear it? It was an explosion.

No, it didn't hear. I didn't sound like anything. But I mean, I guess, because everyone else thought it was coming from the sky because I guess it was like, whatever, I don't understand how air particles work or whatever. But I saw the, I could see the like it coming from the ground. Like it was like, I saw where it was coming from because I was in Astoria and I was like, oh, we're fucked. I was like, I'm gonna die.

Oh yeah. That's because the aliens are underground now and they're coming up from underneath. Yeah. Hell yeah. Is that what happened in War of the Worlds? Where were they? Were they coming from? Yeah.

Where's that Worms movie? Tremors. Tremors. Oh yeah. Oh, I never saw that. Oh, Tremors is good. Yeah. Yeah.

We were just watching, honestly, one of the best pieces of fucking media I've ever seen in my life. Which one? Yeah, I was gonna say. Just for those playing along at home, a fucking generator exploded in the story. Right. And the sky got blue as well. The entire city, yeah.

The sky was like blue, like a vibrating blue. Yeah. It was like an airhead, the blue raspberry airheads. Yeah. That kind of blue. A bunch of kids got turned into girls. Did you like signs? I feel like that's a divisive movie.

Some people really don't like it. I saw it in high school when there was some weird testing day where they show a movie instead of do work. Do you know what I mean? Okay. So you liked it because it wasn't work? So yeah. I just remember being like whatever.

That was fine. But I don't remember having an opinion. You didn't like signs? I thought signs was dumb, yeah. Oh yeah. I loved signs. That was a fucking dumb bitch. People say the new M. Night shit was good.

The one with, ah, fuck. What the fuck is that guy's name? A new, new one? No, no, no, no, no. The ones. Well, if it had been like a good M. Night Shyamalan movie, there would have been something where you think it's aliens the whole time and then it's not aliens. Right.

Whatever, whatever's causing those crop circles. And that's what he's good at. But then there's movies where he just like phones it in where it's like crop circles. What could that? Yeah, it's aliens. And the twist is they're allergic to water. Yeah. I mean, it was like, you know, I don't know, maybe I had like a three movie deal or something.

Yeah. I don't think. Okay. The overall movie was stupid. Okay. Like I get that the idea of water being what kills them is stupid, but there were good moments. Like there were good jump moments.

Sure. But you can put jump scares in fucking anything. I mean, there's like, yeah, I'm not judging it based on that metric. I mean, there's like, I'm not going to like complain about like Oculus and say like, oh, I was stupid. A spooky mirror. And it's like, no, you know, there's jump scares and stuff. Yeah.

So it's a movie. It's a movie made by W.W.E. Dude, I saw Mandy. That shit is so good. Yeah. You got to see that shit. And I also rewatched. We won't talk about it since you haven't seen it, but it was like so fucking.

I love Mandy so much. Also also ran back fucking. Thor Ragnarok. No, I did that. No, no, no. I just watch that every week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, ran back true romance.

That's a fucking banger. I don't know. I don't know if that'll hold up. It doesn't hold up as much because when I saw it, I was like 16 and I was like, damn, I'm this is the best movie of all time, but it is so entertaining. Like, yeah, that movie has like six scenes in it that would be the big scene. I fucking loved that movie when I was like, yeah, 16, 17. I was like, this is the best.

I literally pitched it to eldest and we were all watching it was like, damn, I want to prostitute girlfriend. Yeah, me too. I still kind of do. Yeah. The other prostitute girlfriend movie leaving Las Vegas. I haven't seen that one. Oh, you haven't?

No. Here's a good double feature leaving Las Vegas and love Liza. I've probably recommended that on the show before. Okay. So you know, there's going to be plenty of like, they've already said those two. Yeah. What the fuck? What the fuck, man is fucking lazy shit.

You get $40 million a day to say two movies twice. The other, the other shit that I watched was there was this Tom Cruise. Did I talk about this already? How there was a Tom Cruise movie in the like late 80s that was a fantasy epic that was directed by Ridley Scott and it was called Legend or some shit. And it was like it and Tim Curry played like this demonic god. Tim Curry actually rocks. Yeah.

It sucked. Yeah. But it was like, but there's apparently some like theatrical or there's some director's cuts like two and a half hours long. Tim Curry always looks like he's watching child pornography like they're playing child pornography just behind the camera in every scene. That's how they get him when he's taking his little penis out. Very good.

Yes. Keep going. Oh, you're supposed to be a hotel bellhop. Yeah, it looks like he's ordering someone to fuck a child on his behalf. God, he fucking rules, man. Yeah. But yeah, it was there. Like you could cut like a 20 minute version of like you could cut like a short ass little

snippet of this movie and think it was the greatest movie of all time. But it sucked. Yeah. Yeah. It was really visually cool though. Tim Curry's like devil character rock. I'm just getting high and watching like fucking just really low budget action movies. That was my shit when I was 20.

Yeah. There were so many just terrible action movies that I saw. Yes. Hell yes. Yeah. Yeah. There's one I can't find. Here's the thing.

Here's a bounty. A hundred dollars to anyone who can find me a copy of Death Ring, you can find me a copy of Death Ring. It was a straight to video action movie. Okay. And the box art says McQueen, Norris Swayze. Yes. And it's fucking like, oh yeah, I think you've said Richard McQueen, Chad Norris and Don

Swayze. That rules. Yeah. Good for them. Billy Drago is in it though. And it's just the most dangerous game. But shittier. Yeah.

Yeah. Hell yeah. Actually, the best of all of the most dangerous game derivatives is Surviving the Game. You've never seen that? Never seen it. It's Ice T as a homeless black guy that gets kidnapped by like Charles S. Dutton. Hell yes. Fucking Gary Busey, Rucker Hauer.

Okay. And then who's the name of that actor? I always forget. It's the older doctor from Scrubs. No. I don't know his name, but yeah, I know you. Yeah. F. Murray Abraham's in it too.

Hell yeah. That's a nice cast. Yeah, it is. And they all just hunt Ice T. Hell yeah. Yeah. He's where the fucking blonde ladies with big fake asses and tits are. Have you seen his child, by the way?

So this kid is half cocoa, half Ice T in theory. It looks, it's a little girl with exactly Ice T's face. It is the most unfortunate genetic splitting. Every time there's a man that looks like that, their daughter always looks exactly like him. It looks like a creepy doll figurine of Ice T. It's fucked up. I feel bad for the girl. Hopefully she's, she's rich as fuck.

She'll probably grow up. He just like keeps getting to like try to get her cast and SVU as a victim and they're like, we just, we need to be believable. So I'm sorry. We need to think someone would actually rape this child. I'm looking at it now. Dude, tell me it does not look, she does not look it. It does.

If you just show me this kid, I wouldn't be like that's Ice T's kid. Dude. But this is an ugly fucking. Let me see. Look at her next. She's an ugly ass child. Oh no. Look at her next to cocoa.

Let me get some more. She just looks so tired. No, it's like the, it's in the smile. It's in that Ice T weird toothy smile. And it's like, she'll be posing to co next to cocoa. It's like mommy and daughter. And it just like, it looks so weird. She's also so like chemically, fakely blonde and right.

Right. Right. And it's just like what your actual daughter looks like. It just looks like Ice T. Wasn't there some guy who like sued his wife for getting plastic surgery? Literally. Oh, really? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, nevermind that. Damn. Is that real though? No, it's like a fake head. Adam's dumbass. Oh no. Adam's dumbass got tricked by him Facebook.

Oh God. I was going to say it didn't look real. At least I thought that. Did you also know that Obama was actually instituting Sharia law this year? Wait, what? Yeah. I put in a very after the election. I photoshopped these articles that said Trump was bringing Sharia law and I started

seeing it in like those Facebook groups for like anti Obama stuff. And then I had this one lady that's like, if this is true, I feel completely betrayed. I was wrong and I feel betrayed. I like that the open minded. Oh my gosh. Obama's a Muslim that's bringing in Sharia law, but she's like, well, this might be true also. If Trump is bringing Sharia law, I feel they have turned their back on me.

She doesn't even know what Sharia law is. None of them do. Yeah. Unlike me that definitely knows. Yeah. Can you explain it to me? Yeah, it's like this. I would like to go into it, but you know, it's kind of, I'm kind of busy right now.

Otherwise, I definitely would just like shaking keys and fighting. I'm kind of busy. Yeah. I don't know. I don't think it's bad though. I don't know what Sharia law is. I don't really know. It means clerics or judges and everything is like, it's just religious law.

Oh, I just thought it was like a word, a Muslim word that they picked up and say that they're going to, like Sharia law is like a theocracy straight up basically. Um, yeah, at least as far as like the judicial aspects are concerned. Is it good for women? No. Definitely. There's a regular law. So yeah, it's really good for women.

That's fair. But that's deceptively not as bad though. I don't know. I watched a very convincing Reza Aslan video that said Sharia law is actually good. That to be scared of Sharia law is ridiculous. And the truth is that Jesus actually invented pedophilia. I believe that. There is a gap between like in the Bible where we don't know about what Jesus is up to.

For real. There's like childhood and age 33. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like maybe he wasn't doing anything. Maybe he was fucking and fucking children. Maybe that's why priests do it. They get the extra secret parts of the Bible where they're like, and by the way, when Jesus

was 26, he was fucking little kids. That's how he got all his magical powers. They get caught for the pedophilia. You don't understand. You haven't read all of the Bible. Yeah. Yeah. What if it's like getting badges?

It's like Pokemon. He gets different skills or whatever by whichever children he fucks. What are the different kinds of children that you try to fuck? Like a like a retarded kid is the one that he can walk on water. Yeah. Or let's see, what would bring him back to life? Maybe an Asian kid. How about a kid with leprosy and the patch won't stay on?

Yeah. She just have to keep putting the patch back on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. It would fall completely off. Yeah.

Different. That's just, I'm kind of a working theory. Yeah. Yeah. You can come back with some more on that. Good to do some homework. By fucking children. What do you think about that one, Nick?

I was, I got distracted by the time. I remember I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. We closed it like eight. Oh, sure. Make sure I do that. What are you getting? Little dick pills? I'm lithium.

Close. Oh, so your little dick brain pills. Your brain has a little penis. You need these pills. I ran it down to there. I shouldn't have done that. But then I was throwing up for two days. I didn't take it.

I couldn't take it. Yeah. What's the point? Well, yeah, I guess. Yeah, you're right. I should just stop taking my medicine. Yeah. Fuck it, man.

I want to die. I mean, you could throw up any day. So really, what's the point of taking any medication for anything? That's true. We were watching. What's that show called? What's a couple TLC shows? Oh, yeah.

I got to get back in the reality TV. It's good stuff. Because you realize at a certain point, it's like the point of reality TV is like the regular TV is supposed to be somewhat aspirational. It's like, what if your life was this interesting? Yeah. And reality TV is like, at least you're not a trans fatso. Yeah.

Well, let's separate the shows we watched. We started with Jazz Life. I am. I am. Jazz. I am Jazz. Where they there's like a Jewish trans girl who's like 17. Well, the point of the show is that the family is Jewish.

They gave incredibly big TVs to huge. Yeah. Which is crazy. I mean, good for her. And she looks like you wouldn't guess. I don't think like she they blocked her and now she's kind of she's cute. Yeah. She's cute.

And they're only going to give her a they're going to give her a pretty shallow pussy according to the doctor. Five inches. I'm kind of interested in jazz. But also she's got all that money now from the show. Oh, true. Mm hmm. Damn.

Okay. So you got some competition. I'm sure she's being hit up left and right. Yeah. And she's also a you know, a child. Well, I'm sure she'll be 18 by the time you can read her. Yes, it has. She's never stopped.

Ha ha ha ha ha. The dad stepped in. You still got started. But it stopped. Right. Right. Right. It's like, wait, do these times tables real quick and then we can check and see if I'm

going to smash. But yeah, that's a good ass show, man. Just that young ass trans girl. But I got to say they are they have to be so crazy rich. So you can see the difference. Of course. The difference in how rich her family is was her like transfer who doesn't look they look quite as spot on yet as perfect.

Yeah. She's supposed to get. But I don't know how'd you get into the jazz? Oh, I don't know. I was bored the other night. Put some of my new things as watching that show and then a lot of snooker. What the what is what is snooker? I don't know really.

I mean, it's hard to figure out, but just tell me very broad terms. Is it a game? It's like a pool ish type game. It's a pool. I mean, we kind of already went in the real last podcast, but oh, OK, yeah. It's like, sorry, are you looking at crypto? No, I keep getting a bunch of there's a bunch of notifications on my phone from the New York Times and all of them are interesting.

And also, yes, losing money, a lot of things going on today. I'm having a busy snap afternoon afternoon. No, I got that feeling. You know when it's like there's something you were supposed to do? Oh, yeah. And you can't remember what it is and you're like, I know I fucked myself by now. Yes. Whatever the thing is.

Oh, yeah. It's like, I'm fucked. I'm fucked. And taxes. I don't know what's going to happen. No, not yet. No, not yet. But there's something I was supposed to.

Yeah. Yeah. I know. Fucking the shit. That's how I've done all the holidays. Yeah. And I was like, well, it's the fucking holiday. Right.

Yeah. And I can't do anything now. And now it's by the way, it's January 2nd recording this on the day you'll probably hear it. Probably. Who knows. But yeah, it's the first day that's not the holidays. It's like, fuck, I have all this work I have to do.

Yeah. I'm fat as shit. Even by my standards, me and Elvis stepped on the scale. We're a pussy here away from 300 bills, each three bills. You guys are the same ish weight. Yeah. That's so sweet. You guys are such good friends.

So. Oh my gosh. He's also a full 63 either way. He's much taller than me, like a whole two inches. But yeah, I'm getting fat as shit, man. It's that's the problem with the tracksuit lifestyle. You never know how fat you're getting. No, that's why you're supposed to wear tight clothes.

It sounds like a real gamble. It is again. gamble on my health. And luckily I get to blow off some steam by doing regular gambling. You didn't get a second sandwich earlier though. I'm proud of you. I didn't. Thank you. You'll stop getting a second sandwich tomorrow. You can bet on that. Make sure the dog doesn't lick the couch. Oh yeah.

That's not for you. We stole the dog while Adam's at the gay sex convention in Phoenix. Adam asked me to dog sit and didn't offer any money or to pay for the food for the dog. I'm sure you'd pay for the food. Pay for the food for the dog? Yes. Yes. He asked me to buy food for the dog.

No. All right. Seriously. Make sure that dog doesn't lick the couch. Can you take it to the vet? He's like, hey, it is technically the week your dog's sitting. So you should kind of pay for it. No.

That makes sense. You get to hang out with the dog. But yeah. And like no instructions. You can gamble on whether I'll get a second sandwich or not. Oh yeah. Look at this fat bitch trying to do the splits. We're currently watching My Fabulous Fat Life.

My big fat fat ass life fatso style. You're watching My Fat Fucking Fat Ass Big Dumb Bitch Life. How fucking long is this? Is it a two hour show? Yeah. What the fuck? You can bet how long this show is at bettysi.com. They got an award winning mobile app.

You know, they've been in business over 20 years. Yes. Which some of you aren't even 20 years old. So that means this website's life is worth looking at her. Oh fuck. That she's doing pretty well, but I can't tell where her bones are. Yeah. Yeah.

So she could just be. Yeah. It's just her legs hanging down. Yeah. It's like, you know, been in business over 20 years, I can't say enough good things. Longer than you've been alive. Longer than you've been alive. Bitch.

So if you haven't been around 20 years, you might as well kill yourself and tell them bettysi made you do it. In the note, specifically make it clear that it would make it clear that your family should sue bettysi.com because they said personally that you should kill yourself if you're not as old as bettysi.com. They've been in the sports book. They offer live in game wagering. They offer what is it called odds on basically just about everything, sports, politics, reality

TV. Pretty much. Actually, that is one of the things it says. I know. So you could bet on whether this big bitch turns fat or not. What is the point? She doesn't even lose weight anymore. She's just fat.

She's just fat. She's just watch this fat bitch continue to be fat and be annoying the whole time. We already had fat bitch shows, but they would like be like, this is the year I'm losing weight. And then they would end with like, Krista died. Krista Bell died in that apartment and she ate her way. She tried to adopt a kid or they were talking about it, but her BMI is too high. And she's like, this is discrimination. This is literally, I can't wait until we're like having to read articles about how discriminatory

doorways are. Just like if the border at the wall is there shouldn't be borders anywhere. We should all be able to just roll around the streets. It should be open. No close or discriminatory buttons and zippers discrimination, brother, you can bet on how much this woman weighs at bet the aside.com because they do offer shit on that and they offer live in game way drinks, change your mind how fucking how fucking fat she is. You know, the Eagles are was it's it's third and 10 and bottom of the fourth.

You know, yeah, down by eight, you're like, you know what, I want to change my bet to how soon that fat bitch is going to take all your money out of the one bet. That's what it goes wrong goes game, move it over to when is that fat bitch gonna die? That is literally what it means. Yeah. And if you have a problem with bet the aside on kill yourself, you should kill yourself. And the notes say bet the aside made me do it. And then call their award winning customer service first.

Oh yeah, they got 24 seven customer service two o'clock in the morning, you call them up, you go, yeah, I put a damn bet on that piglet bitch might see my money or my damn money. No one on earth says money. No, that's my name in my name. I say money, but my name Ernie, fuck, everything is when people say like, you know, in Independence Day, Will Smith says, welcome to earth. Yeah, you can watch it 100% clearly says earth, no issue, it's like in memes, it's been parodied

where they say earth and other like movies and shit. And it's like, you are just so clearly being like, is that even something you can lie about happening? It's on fucking right. I just I choose to remember it as earth. So here's what we're going to be betting on this week. Take the Ravens. Of course, always take the chargers you motherfuckers.

If you'd been taking the Ravens every time I told you to, you'd be a fucking billionaire now fucking 20 million, okay, the youngest motherfucking starting quarterback in the playoffs ever, Lamar Jackson 12 years old, 12 years old, 12 years old, Jesus fuck to get his powers. I'm sorry to bully him been took in place with your school when you sign up, make sure he's promo code come 120 cm 120 so they know we sent you when you sign up, you've got some options you can just play and cash out or you can take the bonus money, which is like getting a casino comp upfront before you played at the tables.

Get yourself a nice little Chinese bitch to blow on the dice. They offer that also you can email them and they'll send you your own personal Chinese bro on the dice. She'll blow on the keyboard before you put in the it has a rollover requirement, but it's free cash. So if you're going to be in the sportsbook, which is where we love gamble there, we love gambling. It's a sportsbook with bettyside.com bettyside you're a fucking retard if you're not gambling

with that. Use promo code come 120 up to $1,000 you're going to be 60% bonus cash, which you turn a thousand into 1600 to play with. So once again, that's bettyside come 120. Let's start the show. Let's start the show. All right, doggy. What do we got this week?

Coming up on rape that spick figure out. No, dude. I noticed this. You can do rape jokes if it's about a Puerto Rican. No one likes him back at me because I do they beep out the words that he don't. Oh, okay. What would be the point of even having them there? Yeah, that's true.

Insert beeps. Oh, fuck. It would be funny to like edit an episode of real last podcast and anytime Zach speaks just replace it with like an end beep noise and then, you know, he's crushed people are laughing at it, but that's like literally his only contribution. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, damn. She didn't used to be as fat.

Really? Oh, I just see it. Oh, I think you think you were looking at it. People start off as a baby. That's a different woman next to her. I know that. Yeah. Stop learning the concept of two people.

I still don't quite have object permanence. Is that two or three people? Damn, drop an object permanence. My man got some psych 101 going on over here. Yeah, dude. I know a couple things and I guess salt, right? Because her closure. She wasn't even.

I mean, she was fat as shit, but she wasn't. But she's still kind of proportionally fat, you know what I mean, but she looks fine there I mean not fine, but you know what I mean? Yeah, she's like fatty, but those pictures gave her the confidence to get even You don't be a fun article right it's like when are we gonna acknowledge black men's Contribution to the obesity Dude, that sounds like it's got Nicole Mullen written all over it. It's partially their fault. Yeah Yeah, she was borderline hot. Yeah Yeah, I would I would smash this woman got too strong by accident. I

Like a strong woman. Yeah, sure her will or whatever I've been thinking about this. There's got to be strong women or skinny women that are very into this is so funny, dude Like because of this punching bag action is what's that? Why why would it be their problem? Like it's a pathology that they like because people like to get fucked or Fuck people. They hate or something like that. So if you hate fat people, they fuck you to make sure they Only sexual experience, you know, everyone is sad after they fuck you and like every time they're like there's a big mistake They're always like mad and they're like, wow, could I do this to myself? I'd stop

And that's there's got to be one of them. That's also strong That's so funny It is not my only sexual well retarded women are strong right by definition. So haven't you fucked a strong one like a Who is strong retarded people? Oh, yeah, I've never I've never smashed the mentally disabled That story was not about me I mean, there'd be the story about Jake Damn snitches get stitches I didn't snitch they figured it out Fuck

I'm not gonna talk about it. Is that gonna make him bigger or or less cool in the DSA It's more obviously look dude fucking retards. It's like four years away from being like we also have pussies Just because Just because it's filled with candy. So like it's not a pussy. So you think in the future. It'll be like I'm just like a wego woman Just because my pussy is filled with to see walls and Warheads doesn't mean that it's not So you're saying the way thing about retarded girls or pussies are tighter because it's filled with sour

Pash kids in there She may have a big pussy, but I just wrapped my dick with fruit by the foot till it's tight as hell Look at this Fat women for one has cancer. Yeah, what all you do is just move your arms left and right This is hilarious sucks without buddy, dude He should be there's a fat coke head that she used to be friends live with it And buddy well, they end up married at the end of this they do and they get engaged or something what? Yeah spoilers, bro. I read that online. I wanted I didn't know that this show rules damn

Not as much as I am jazz though Yeah, I'm jazz does rule well I guess dude. I got to get back in the HG TV TLC. This shit is like reality TV is fucking great Now that I'm all social media. I need some kind of connection something so stupid yet, you know Yeah, you've been to you got to get out of your ivory tower, man. I don't says that about you Just help here reading fucking scholarly scripts. I said my I read I play piano. That's right There's a grand piano in here right now. Yeah Yeah, and I don't look this one niggas actually sitting on top of it

On all not that one on all fours in a white. Oh, yeah, geez. Oh, yeah, Maddie dance student Damn, I wish I could hear that voice. We got this Wow Leslie Jones just got seven TV credits in 30 seconds She's nine different people Yeah, so check out my big fat fucking life my big fat fat ass fucking fat bitch life She gets it engaged the buddy dude the coke boy. I think so damn. Maybe that kiss meant more than yeah They thought it originally. Yeah, so yeah I remember the the article the article that I read that inspired me to do any of that Nicole shit

I think was the Or it was at least early on was that one do you remember it? It was an exo Jane about the white woman that went to yoga and there was a fat black woman there and it made her cry What the fat woman just like was minding around business, but she's like none of this was designed for her body Are you kidding? No, it was like the fuck it was one of the funniest thing. She was mad that somebody Theoretically could be too fat for yoga. Yes. Yeah That rules what a dumb bitch yoga honestly I I I I used to do yoga at a point in my life, and I felt great. Yeah

Fat body The fat body is great because it's like I was flexible as shit, but still fat and that's a funny thing to be that Yeah, that's what people aren't expecting that, you know to be fat and be able to like kick your leg high shit Put your hands behind your back and stuff You know crazy flexible feats like that. You can't find the article anymore. It was titled There are no black people in my yoga classes, and I'm suddenly feeling uncomfortable with it Jen polo check I suddenly feel bad not helping the black family. I kicked out of the house I moved into

Moving into there if only I could give them a partial scholarship for yoga Well, I displaced them very far into Brooklyn where trains don't even run Let's start a program. Yeah, let's ship them from where we made them move to back to where Back to their old neighborhood so they get to visit it and watch us do yoga You can't find the original article, but you can find this one It says a public apology The piece that I wrote last week is deeply ignorant and sensitive and self-centered, and I am entirely to blame for that I'm sorry. Hell. Yes, it's tricky for me to specify where I went wrong because there's many a point with the title probably

Yeah, the whole having the thought in the first place for starters I projected my anxieties onto someone else and dehumanize her in the process I wish I could find the original because it was so fucking It's like I watched her every move and tears began to run down That's this big black bitch use the fingers that were designed for eating fried chicken to do fucking baby pose Whatever man Fuck that bitch Disappreciative that other white women make the bar so low. Yeah, it's true

So you feel like they're gonna come for white women soon. What do you mean? They're slowly doing it. They already have who who's gonna come for a night away. They came for white man Who doesn't like I mean, you don't you don't hear white women shit all the time Yeah, the thing is white men have the benefit of being able like you can still do the thing where you're like, oh, yeah None of this shit means anything to me. I'm not gonna pay attention to it. Right. Right. Right. Right. It was like white women don't really have the room That's true. Yeah, yeah, the world does treat you bad and because white women fucked up and they threw us under the bus So we could have joined up. Did they? Oh, yeah. Oh big oh big time. Yeah Yeah, don't come crying us but I didn't just don't don't don't forget that

We didn't start the fire Black bitches retards transgenders back in town grown man pretending to be little girls we didn't start the fire Leave white man alone. We didn't do anything wrong. We didn't start the fire Cat calling black woman in yoga class Gives white woman race angst Yeah, yeah No, there's plenty of white women shit in what way do you mean code just making jokes? No, that's it

I mean blaming like why women have been blamed for shit. Are you kidding me? Yeah, but I just mean like, you know, we're your guys a scapegoat. We're white men scapegoat. Sure absolutely, but Yeah, I'm just mean like I mean, I don't really know in any real way what I meant I just mean like oh, is this thing you ottoman? Yeah, it's a storage ottoman very nice Like being blamed for being as big a part of society being bad as white men. Oh, yeah Yeah, do you do you not listen to black women talk ever? No

What's the point of being a white man? Black women talk Yeah That I guess that has been a new it does swing back now every time where it's like white fat white feminism was getting attacked for a While there. Yeah, sure. And you know a lot of it should be. Yeah, I mean, I don't know I'm fucking stupid and don't pay attention to things. But yeah, I don't really care. Yeah We didn't suck the man off We made him come by joking his dick off

Yeah, like, you know, they won't come for Billy Joel, but they'll come for Alexa Ray Joel Shots out to I wonder what Alexa's life is like. Yeah Day-to-day, how does she wake up? They'll come for white women if Hillary runs against a person true Elizabeth is running now and everyone's talking Elizabeth Warren. Yeah, it doesn't count No, they're gonna they're gonna give her the same shit, dude They're talking about how she's like a dumb bitch already and stuff. No, no But she doesn't count as a person of color. Is that what you meant? No, no, no, no, no. Instead of Hillary Yeah, yeah, if it's Elizabeth Warren versus Kamala or something. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Um, then they'll probably be Imagine if I thought it was with Warren was a person of color Does she really? Yeah, was she serious? No, that's her. That's what fucked her more than anything. He's totally doubling down on this like Got the 23 and me results. Yeah Like a golden ticket like I'm not saying I can say the word but I can spell the first two Like just what are you doing? I can't say it if it comes out of my car. I'll mouth it though lyrics come on

Yeah, probably anyways So stop your dick doesn't work my dick doesn't work. Oh, yeah, there's a solution now. What's that bet the SI Yeah, dude, I'm getting so fat that if I didn't have the like before they were they were the dick pills were You know a little pep in your step give your dick that extra hard as shit thing But now I'm so fat that I need blue chew And they work so well the other day I almost passed out and had to lay down after taking I couldn't see out of one of my eyes. That's how you know you're getting the extra powerful shit Yeah, yeah, when I said I had the flu I actually was suffering from taking too many dick

Yeah, I like to take so many dick pills. It's like the opening scene from apocalypse now I'm just sweating in a room I was still in Saigon Yes, we do have fucked up mangled ass dicks that won't get hard, but thank God there's blue chew calm Right, is there more? There's their actual stuff. We have to read. Yeah, I'm looking for it. Okay. Yeah, it's a dick pill company It makes your tongue blue. It's like candy. It does taste like candy to a baby. Yeah It's a horny ass baby with same whose cock can't get hard way too early in his same medicine is Viagra in Seattle. It's the same act. No. Hey look, that's actually a good sign

If you're taking dick pills and you're in your mid-20s, it means you're probably gonna die around 40 Which is like take that mom and dad. Mm-hmm. Now. I don't have to pay for your nursing Yeah Figure it out on your own you dumb old ass busy having sex Yep, and then that can all be accomplished with blue chew mm-hmm Where the fuck is it? You wanted an early exit from this this mortal prison that we're in yourself to death Just keep fucking till you you feel lightheaded and think you're gonna die And if you do that enough times for the next 10 or so years, maybe you actually will die

Maybe one of those times you will die. There we go. All right, so they're chewable So they work faster. Mm-hmm up to twice As fast twice as or twice they and fast That's not a real question twice then fast twice Twice as fast man twice as fast. Yeah twice as fast All right, the copies right You can take blue chew on a full or empty stomach mm-hmm, you know, that's right, so So you can swallow the cup come before

Skip dinner skip dinner go right the fucking oh I've had for that dinner the lat the how I'm losing weight add it all for breakfast dick pills for dinner, baby Sheeper than those other two and then in parentheses. It says Viagra in Seattle I don't know if we're supposed to say that Cheaper than Viagra in Seattle is I can say that Because I'd say whatever the fuck I want. That's right. I'm on dick pills Anyone look take him and you fuck up at work. You'd be like, I'm sorry. I was on dick There's not enough blood in my brain. It's all in my cock. Yeah, right. I'm too busy having sex to know how to do my job

No doctor visit no awkward conversations. No waiting in line at a pharmacy. Mm-hmm. Yeah Ships directly to the door and discreet pack street custom medicine Just say a pharmacy man, just say online pharmacy or something custom medicine like exhibit is getting your dick hard So we're gonna pimp your dick Just bejeweled balls They pluck out all your ball hairs and put like gold like strands One of those like old McDonald's cup mp3's in there

plays 15 seconds of toxic What do you have hit clips? Oh, yeah, I loved it clear one of your balls is a is a Magic eight ball. Mm-hmm. That's good. Yeah, it's just like my eye But it's fun. Oh, yeah, I've been trying to get dog to bite me in the face So I'd lose an eye. Well, no one's been around. What are you gonna do again? It's just slapping her and sticking my face in her face You should put a little fucking liver in your eye Yeah, blue shoe gives you no dogs excited about that gives you confidence in bed every time you and your partner will love it

You're that partner. So if you're gay, you can also use it Don't let the tone of this show fool you gay men are also allowed to use blue Even if they're not allowed to listen to this show They're allowed to take the medicine that we advertise so if you got a friend out there that's gay Don't say look. Hey, I heard about this thing on come town. They said I don't want to hear anymore about that show Yeah, yeah, yeah, say no, it's about your dick that doesn't work Mm-hmm. Maybe I maybe I was wrong. You shouldn't just try watching straight porn You shouldn't just try it now if your dick doesn't work

It seems like the natural solution in the gay community used to become a bottom How funny would be if you were like if your dick wasn't working and then you just found out you weren't gay Just flashing back to all that commie I guess at some point. I'll start liking it. You were having gay sex for years Pills back then I'm supposed to know in 15 years. I'm gonna make pills I'm supposed to know that Chew it and do it

Here's a great deal for you guys visit blue chew.com and get your first order free when you use promo code come damn CUM TOW that's a bunch of free hard-ons on us pay $5 shipping. That's blue chew comm promo code come town CUM TOW and Let's start let's start the show Wow, wow, wow, wow, okay? Let's start show buddies back buddy My big fat. Yeah, I'm out here in the fucking woods how relapse I'm feeling good as shit Fuck it. I'm gonna die and do blow

Respect to that man. Yeah, he rules sometimes. I would just dude. I'm getting so fat again that I'm like The voice in my head's like Fuck Dude it rules It's like I don't I don't know Felix's situation, but I get the impression that he just never fucks Literally just like nine monitors in his apartment It's like battlefields one through five happening And he's just gaming and streaming and then lifting weights and it's like God what if a God among men

Perfect life. That's all fucking. That's all we really want. Yep. The thing is is men don't actually want to fuck We were tricked into it But we can't admit that we're manipulated by social pressure Interesting because what it's what is in our hearts is whatever the fuck Felix is doing Yeah, we don't like dying a war or something. Isn't that what men want to do? No, I want to die in 15 million wars Which is what game? Yeah, you don't want you only want one death and a war no thanks Yeah, we want to fucking die in the eight. We want to die against the covenant. Yeah, we want to die against Hitler

We want right them all. Yeah, you want to be what Audie Murphy? He got what one medal of honor, maybe two I have played every medal of honor. Yeah I've earned all of them Sometimes I did really bad. Guess what you just start over mother. That's right You try to get Audie Murphy wasn't Audie Murphy the most decorated I knew a kid that I think had the same exact name, but he got caught selling weed Do you know that guy Maybe I'm making it up. But anyway, Audie. I think shut the fuck up shut up. Everyone shut up

Isis shut up Audie Murphy was one of the most decorated American combat soldiers World War two Okay, he received every military combat award for valor available from the US Army as well as French and Belgian Awards for heroism. Oh damn. I may got the Belgique Awards. Yeah No, I received the medal of honor for Valor that he demonstrated age of 19 and above of us or so There's over a counterattack when Murphy's born a large family. I thought he won two medals of honor, but whatever dude It's pretty cool. Yeah, fuck him. Fuck Audie Murphy Excuse me. You heard me. I would love to be a war hero

No, I'm just deaf and I own like a cotton store I just want to spend the next 60 years of your life like selling pipe fittings and some bullshit town Like just a fucking short sleeve fucking flannel you tuck into your cankeys Once every that's what I love about the end of band and brothers where they're all playing baseball together And they do the like sandlot, you know what they went on to do and half of them are like Well, there's one of them that's like he went on a sailing trip and no one ever saw Like most of his pockets with rocks and jumped in the middle of the ocean What happened to Benny the jet? Did he just he got taken advantage of by producers or something because he was hot

on the Dodgers doesn't he uh Benny the jet plays on the Dodgers and then the fucking boys in the love of them and he calls baseball games The main the kid with the hat that's too big. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I forget his name Kid with the hat that's too big the main character in San Juan. I Just remember Benny because he was hot. Yeah, otherwise I can remember what they all look like I only remember the fat one obviously. Yeah, what was his name? And there's small orange shared No, he's the one that's killing me small the orange shared one. Have you seen Angus? No, what is that about a cow? No, well, it's about a fat boy. So, yeah

There's a fat kid in high school damn here's where she gets told she's too fat to have a child Robin Fucking bitch Rob. She probably picked that one. They probably aim. She discriminated adoption agencies. She's like Robin seismor There's something I like about this I feel like she'll just get me We can meet with Robin seismor after being denied a baby Heather heads to auntie Anne's for some therapy This is great suffering what would today be described as post-traumatic stress disorder Murphy slept with a loaded handgun under his pillow He looks for solace in addictive sleeping pills

In his last few years he was plagued by money problems, but refused offers to appeal appear in alcohol Refuse offers to appear in alcohol and cigarette commercials because he did not want to set a bad example Murphy died in a plane crash in Virginia in 1971, which was shortly before his 46th birthday Who's Murphy? The decorated Oh Yeah, that is your dream That fucking sucks, dude. What a fucking horrible life. I

Wanted I hope I never go to war It's too late now we're 30 dude, but as a general They find me they're like we need a beautiful mind to maybe if you start playing video games Do you think they're gonna recruit from people who are good at video games? A general that's what all the that's yeah, that's all the in cells that play video games and stuff there That they're just training for the upcoming inevitable. That is true. We're on drone war. Yeah, hey Isis shut the fuck up. We're trying to make money to feed shut up sit down If it wasn't for this podcast, you'd be on the fucking street right now Isis

That's true. You're dumb-ass father can't provide for you Yeah, yeah, he needs his podcast Hey Adam would be already put submitting her to dog fights to try and make Haha, well, you have to pay your part of the rent. I see a dog Fuck man dogs like fighting anyway, it's true. It's what they'd be doing in the wild Old people got to be in World War two. Yeah Such a good point man

Get anything good Yeah They got the cool wars. They got to be racist just out loud To see the original Mickey Mouse and said the n-word So much better I mean, they used to be funny. Oh, yeah, it's a people like why are cartoons funny? It's like well, listen kid. They used to be Your mom made us change it your mom's generation came around and

brought all this Indian bullshit over and said we had to be nice to the colors and That was the end of cartoons and good wars You see we used to have a nice balance with racism We do it until it was fun and then someone would take it too far And then we'd invade their country and have a war that mattered Now we don't do it enough so we have to oppress brown people with drone strikes Drone strikes that can't be that different from video games, right? No, exactly. That's what I'm saying if he's people are Practicing video. It looks like a very boring video. Yeah, if they did drone strikes like when you called the chopper gunner for modern warfare

To that'd be fucking sick Call a nuke 25 I Nuking a fucking Pakistani wedding. Yeah Like that's that that Pakistani wedding thing is so goddamn funny Yeah, all of the generals that were like responsible for that are still like Mattis was I think in charge of that That would never that massacre was and to this day. He's still like their line. It wasn't a wedding He like his a quote where he was like he's like he was like let me ask you this

Does it make sense to you that you have a fucking wedding 80 miles in the middle of nowhere? And it's like all those people were they lived in that town. Yeah They didn't have a fucking Walgreens around there. Yeah, would you live somewhere without an outback steakhouse? There's like there's no evidence of like wedding or wedding stuff There's no decorations or whatever and then like there's like AP footage. It clearly shows musical instruments You're like, look bad people get married sometimes In the Middle East like you know, they have all their in cells become you know

Kamikaze's and they think they'll die and get 72 virgins in heaven But I think the American ones to convince them to go into war. There's gonna tell them they get to murder 72 virgins She only gets to the point where they hate women so much here after playing those guys are so long We don't even want to fuck them. We just want to murder Elliot. We want to actually murder 72 whores They didn't fuck us in high school. That's what they're that's what their religion is gonna turn into one of the 72 virgins You get our in cells Guys have to fuck They end up having just fuck each other

Please be gentle with my ass Yeah, oh, and then that's what they all really wanted the whole now. It's still a type of sex Fuck Damn you motherfucking year. How are we gonna turn it all around? What are the resolutions? Do you do resolutions? No, I do you ever try at least no, no I don't I don't try I don't either but yeah, I've never I've never done a New Year's resolution. Yeah, I don't think I have Stupid yeah, were you Catholic? Orthodox Greek Orthodox, so do you guys do lent? Yeah, I would just give up stuff that I didn't do already

Nice. Yeah, that was the trick. That's smart. I'm very smart Yeah, I gave up sex for lent as a child in high school and your priest was like, oh, sorry You don't get to choose what it is we didn't we our priests don't rape surprisingly what they have they have wives Yeah, in the Orthodox Church, you're allowed. Oh really you get actually guys do it being priests as opposed to Catholicism Oh, so all everything's taken out on their wives instead of the children. Oh, that's great. That's way better Yeah, in Catholicism, it's like maybe 10% straight guys 50% gay guys and 40% very active pedophiles very active They're a minority, but they're really

They make it up Yeah, fuck lent though fuck fasting in general You know, I heard actually the Catholic Church They was selling fish and that's why they said you can't have hamburgers on fuck. It's up for Joe That's actually why Len is like it is. Yeah, Bob. That's why you can't be eating their meat Because they actually bought long John silvers. Yeah, they bought long John silvers a long-ass time ago. I'm talking 1800s, I love that long John silvers offers as a garnish just like shit out of the deep fryer Oh, yeah, yeah side is like just trash

Here is a heart attack. Yeah, you know fuck with it. I've never been to one. They just didn't have them. They're good They weren't in Baltimore. They might have been in Moco, but they want to be more They have I don't remember them, but I remember like one or two on like either like 95 or something like Look on the Jersey turnpike, but by the way the term they had them all over Austin when I moved there Okay, and yeah, they have like I Don't know what do they call what do they call them on the menu the

Hush puppies. No the name for that like grease trap Actually literally on the man. Yes. Yes Drippin's or something I got some Long John long John's drippings That's what they call tartar sauce I Cannot fucking remember The 95 I got to say something I'm real miffed about is how shitty the food selection is on the Jersey turnpike now

It's all Burger King's man. He used to be good. Do they have sonics? Do you guys grow up with sonics? There's two Popeyes But there you have a sonic though growing up not growing up. No, I want to I want to be my friends Right before they came to Baltimore. We were like dude. We're gonna get fucking high shit We're driving a Lancaster, Pennsylvania where the closest sonic is and we did that and it was like a fucking Three-hour drive or something or not three to a two-hour drive and it was like just a shitty fast food Yeah, of course Oh fuck I don't know their fries are just okay, but their tater tots are pretty good

Their burgers are decent and their shakes are good. Yeah, I heard white castle was awesome Oh, I've heard really you I've it was before those fucking movies And then I went to white cast and it was like this is disgusting It used to be good and then the movie ruined it or something because I've never heard one good thing about white castle Maybe you have to go to one that's not in the city. Oh Oh, right, right. Any of them are good. They literally steam their meat. Yeah, that's how you what yeah, they steam their shits It's fucked up. It's fucked up and I hate it. Yeah She is so cute fuck

Do you start doing a prepped meals? Maybe right look now. It's another show. This is a show about a bitch who doesn't have an arm No, no, let's say yes to the dress. This show is a banger. Honestly. I love the show say yes to the jet dress It's just a bunch of like women trying to get dresses. Who's that show that was just gay husband Any TLC show Coming up on gay husband. Well, I told Sharon I'm going out for what we call boys night Is not having a little I mean regular boys She said she didn't want to watch the twins, but I said, honey, it's Friday. And you know, it's half off drinks at club club secret

Ah ah ah ah club plus positive. Uh, huh There's a bar and the lawyer is like collect don't tell her please don't tell her something I'm like hmm Interesting chickens. I see what they got over there every go to gay bar stuff Probably clean up there, huh? Yeah Do you start going to gay bars? I should fall off the wagon. We should start going to gay bars for free drinks That would be nice actually. Yeah, I went to when I was in Atlanta. I made out with a homeless girl in a gay bar And then you left her there After well, then she thought I was like rich and had a hotel room

But I was like on tour with like six other guys. We were all splitting the same shit and so She's like I'll sleep outside And then and I just didn't we were gonna go to her place and then she's like I was like great Let's go to yours and she's like I don't have we're here she's like yeah, I was like what and then and then and then I was like, oh cool Let's just um go to my hotel, and I just like Picked a random hotel. I was like and she could see me trying to book it on my phone I was like gonna just get a room to fuck in and she's like no, I'm not doing this

She was above it was weird man. Yeah, I think I think I think it ruined the I mean, but I haven't come for white women yet. Even when they're homeless, they're like, excuse me What do you think I am a black homeless? Yeah Yeah, if I had a hotel room, I would have got my dick sucked that night, but Unfortunately, I just a that's the name of the game. I just Rubbed a pussy in a gay bar While looking at in a bathroom while looking at pictures of men's hard cocks

So it was kind of like the best of both worlds in a lot of ways. Yeah, do you get hit on big amen a lot? Not a lot You're a bear or whatever. My DM's get get interesting. You're a polar bear. I'm not a polar bear I think a polar bear I guess would have to be an old fat guy, right? Yeah, cuz he's got white hair. Okay Yes, I believe I'm a bear some have called me a cub a hairless bear a young Are you hairless? I'm not very hairy. I'm like, you know, yeah, but it's like it's still there It's not smooth. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I'd have to it's indecisive hair I'd have to ask what my direct, uh, you know

categorization would be yeah Yeah, maybe I like if you search bear or daddy bear on Google images. There's not a single picture of like a bear So like a child couldn't like like oh my son might accidentally see it's nothing but gay man There's not a single picture Well, it could just be your specific search for no, it's not I People are just giving away their like personal information. Yeah. Yeah, whenever I type this and this is the first thing that pops up I don't know the deepest darkest desires. Just me kissing wilder Valdera Ha ha ha. Yeah, but can you blame him? He's so cute

Sonic having sex with Homer Yeah, that's seems more right Who's the bottom who's the top Sonic's the top obviously Sorry I didn't why is it obvious because I don't know you could pound he'd be Homer would have him down and then he would just very quickly. Oh because it's not consensual and there's no way that There's no way that

So he has to be the one who's being in this guy's photography Now that's a polar bear He looks like a guy I used to work with Hispanic man pulling his cock Gooch apart so you can see his hard penis. Wait, is that Ken? Ken was a photographer. Maybe he got into self portraits Yeah, like welcome to community college That's the first time it's like Uh, when they passed a law that made it like free for seniors to go to to go to community college

Just a gay Man's going to take photography and send his cockpicks in That guy the guy who I worked with had like a lot of accounts But like I was like, maybe he'll die because he was like really unhealthy. I'm like, maybe he'll die sooner I'll get all of his accounts would be a lot of money But I'm glad he didn't or else I wouldn't have moved from Nebraska, you know, he would have died I'd be still selling mechanical controls Oh

That's nice. You know, he fucks all the controls Reps old controls home Old hard cock all over them Damn, I gotta see a dentist. Yeah, I just want to get these teeth removed Right. Just I think that all teeth should just be removed and we should like my friend jessa, you know jessa, right? What's going on with these? It's like, I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm brushing them if they want to continue to get fucked up That's all I have is skeptical about you not doing anything wrong I don't know. I think there was there was a year ago

I think you were talking about how the way you take care of your teeth is by taking A hook a fishing hook through them or something like that No, I do have like a scraper that I use the one they literally like a dental hygienist uses Yeah, but you're not licensed, bro. That's not it is you don't need to be licensed to use a fucking A pick scraper. You shouldn't be using a scraper, man. Well, I feel like you get overexcited because I was bleeding all the fucking You're supposed to Do you go to the dentist regularly? Do you have health insurance? I just got it kicked in today from what? Medicare read. I just bought it. Yeah

Okay, it's expensive. How much is it a month? It's expensive as shit It's a wild amount like $900. No, you can get this as a poster You get can you see his cock? No daddy poster. No, he's a little bit modest Um Yeah, it's a lot. It's like yeah, it's less than that, but it's a lot of money and it's like But I just I'm so unhealthy and I have to get so much figured out Yeah, this tooth and on its own will be a couple thousand dollars without insurance Jesus, so like I should I might as well just buy insurance for it

And I'm pretty sure I have sleep apnea because I'm fat as shit and I haven't I slept well in probably three years I'm hoping I'm going back to Missouri. I have family Missouri. My great uncle was a dentist But he's the one who my aunt she's in jail now because she like was using his prescription pad to like prescribe people shit So I'm really hoping she didn't fuck it up for me Because he did help me with my teeth for free before I'm sure you would still do how old is he? Uh, I don't know 60 70 Uncle could be like oldest shit. Yeah. Yeah, but I'm hoping I don't want an old motherfucker. She was my end, you know Yeah, she fucked up

She fucked the money up. She really ruined it for us by being in jail and Sanics Um Yeah, I'm about to be all over the fucking doctors dude. I'm getting rehab on my foot Oh, yeah, what other I'm getting this tooth fix. I'm gonna I'm gonna get a fucking sleep apnea bane mask Oh, yeah, I think so. I'm I have to have it. There's no way I don't and then I don't know what else What else I do in a bane mask, you know, you have to put some shit in your nose. Do you need that? Do you have sleep apnea? I'm pretty sure I do

I haven't slept well in like years, dude Really and I think every fat person has sleep apnea It just means you keep waking up. Maybe I have sleep apnea. Yeah, it's really bad I've been a little night. I don't sleep well. It's really bad for your heart and shit, too Oh Yeah, my dad has that shit. Does he? Yeah, he's here. I'm gonna start like snoring now. He doesn't sleep with a mask You're gonna like wake like snore and then he starts like choking the death Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

That's not that's yeah, this guy's totally gay by the way. We're watching gay husband It's actually kind of something like I mean every picture of him He's got his eyes are too twinkly to be straight. Oh, yeah There's too much magic in his eyes Um Yeah, his his his uh prostate has definitely recently been hit With those eyes. Hell, yeah Do you get fingers up your butt stuff? No one time a girl was about to and I was just like

in like skittish like instinctively, but I feel like if she just Went for it a couple other time. It's her fault. She said had a more confident energy going into it She really was not going in confidently. Yeah, you can't do that But I would be open to it. I suppose. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why waste it? Uh, absolutely I why waste the butthole? It's a beautiful thing to put a couple fingers inside of

And then plus I like getting my balls sucked. Yeah, sure. So why not get your ass Played with as well You know what I mean? You guys know what I'm talking about. I mean, I don't I don't I don't understand the lead between those two things. I like one thing. Why wouldn't I like something that's completely Okay, not in the ass. I like pussy. Why not get fucked in my ass? No, no, no, no, because you know what I mean because uh, because they're both disgusting Yeah, this is both it's they're both disgusting

But when you get your balls like tickled it feels like when someone touches your ass a little bit So I guess I'm saying you ever notice how uh, when you get your balls played with Yeah, the uh Yes, I uh, I was having a conversation with my friend Jim the other day. I said, maybe you should just try it You know, see if you like it. Well, come on, Jim You like it? Your balls like Jim Jimmy Jim twos

Come over here cutie Wow, you look better every time I see you. I gotta tell you Jim Jimbo In wine or fuck Jim twos is the best part of that joke Hey, is everybody seeing Jim twos? Little cute guy Uh, I'm all set Joe. Thanks, man. Don't want to hang out today either No, I'm kind of busy this whole I'll let you know when I I'll text you. Yeah, I'll text you man. No worries. This whole act is about Jim twos

Jim just sees sees him at the comedy cellar doing his set and Jim's like, I'll I'll try to get a spot some other time Oh fuck dude Well, I think we should wrap this up so I can go to Dwayne Reed. Oh, yeah, get your fan get your fucking pharmacy Yep. Well, everyone. Um, thank you for listening to the first one of the year um We are doing a funny moms on January 14th Before that happens, I will be in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania on the 10th. I'm sorry Lancaster on the 10th

Pittsburgh on the 11th Buffalo on the 12th motherfucking Schenectady on the 13th Phoenix the 19th buy tickets to that one Doing Tucson Hartford Delaware San Diego, then I'm in LA on the second We added a second show at the lodge room So please buy your tickets to that. Don't make me look like a fucking asshole over there Um, and keep buying the damn calendars

You know, yeah, how's that going? It's going really good. I need to get one of those. Yeah, you can I'll give them I'll bring you one Um for my grandma. Yeah, give it to her until I said what's up Um, so yeah, please buy tickets to that Pittsburgh Buffalo Phoenix 11th 12th 19th Stavi.biz slash tour. Yeah. Yeah, uh come out and see me. Thank you for that. Nick will be in Chicago It's when march um Nixon chicago at some point march something we're also the all three boys will be this is a big one in dc

We're coming back to the black cat. We're doing two shows a stand-up show and a live podcast Come to both come to one whatever you want to do ice is fucking chill out, bitch You're gonna fucking unplug the goddamn thing. You fucking dumbass dog Sorry to speak to you that way, but you almost jeopardized our careers Anyway, yeah, come see all three boys march 30th at the dc At the black cat dc go see nick in chicago. Oh, yeah, uh come to whip last friday instagram twitter books lets podcast and then You know

Yeah, check out abby. She's funny as shit Um, this dog unplugged this fucking thing. I'm gonna punch adam in the face It's not we should end the episode in case she does Fuckin dumbass dog. I hate I hate adam