The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - Ep. 147 – rest in power

Episode Date: March 21, 2019

RIP to a real one

I'm fucking gay And you knew you were gay then! Girls were girls and men were men Mr. We could use a man like Richard Spencer again Suck my dick and eat my ass Call me gay and beat me up Put me in a dress and beat me up I'm fucking gay

Gay family Gay family In front of a live studio audience Come on Pop, you can't say that being gay is normal and being a pedophile isn't? What is it what you choose? Back in my day, two fellas could go into a bathroom, do a little day in front of the stall And have gay sex with each other, go home to their wives Wasn't that enough? Now you gotta rape kids in the middle of the McDonald's

Gay family It's all in family 20, 30 Up there Come on Pop, I'm using my universal basic income money to buy child pornography What's wrong with that? People used to be ashamed of the fact that nobody works anymore Look at me, I torture myself about it Well I download gay pornography in private

Secretly, I do it You used to have to draw your own child pornography back in my day And child porn used to be drawings! No one needed real child porn It could just be Sonic the Hedgehog raping Elmo Now they look at real child porn Those were the days My dick was small

People still had dicks They didn't forcibly remove them at birth Now everyone's got a smooth pate down there Everybody's like a candle Damn, that would stink No genitalia Would it just be everybody would strap on each other's ass? A post-gender society?

Whoever can afford the strap For some reason, 2% of the population still owns 98% of the dildos Damn, that would be fucked up People are unsafely putting lead pipes up their ass and cucumbers and shit Check, check, check Are we all on? Yeah, we're on I just want to make sure before we got too far

My dick was small You're going back through all in the family? How many seasons are there? I don't know, I think... Eight? Nine? Six? Do they have like 30 episode seasons and shit like that?

I think they're six seasons But don't they do like a wild amount of ass? Like Seinfeld, like 28 episodes or something? Maybe Cheers had a wild amount of ass per season There used to be like 22 episode orders for a season That's how shows were Back

Those were the days Now, yeah Those words are gay You oughta suck my dick You oughta... Well, so folks, I guess more information is coming out now Is that the Ethiopian plane crashed Because of somebody plugging in their...

Yep Samsung Galaxy S8 Really? That's what happened? That's what I heard Oh my God Those guys should have known better You can't bring that on a plane

Also, update, I hear Bam is out of the Looney bin He's doing better Vinny texted me to let me know He's like, hey man, just want to let you know Bam texted me And he said that, you know, he's doing alright So just to let everyone else know that Vinny's coming back on the show Vinny's ready for his redemption episode

What's he gonna say? Oh, I don't know He's gonna get his bits ready He better come with the heat Otherwise he's gonna get slammed By the king What if Vinny just comes back on and torches your ass, Adam? Me?

Yeah Let him do a little bit of recon A little bit of get some fact finding I'll let Vinny come back prepared He wasn't ready to hop into the dojo with me Just off the couch We need to get Gene back As soon as he launches his new business

We have to help We have to help the man get on his feet You know What do you think his next business is gonna be? Elvis's go-karts? I would go to Elvis's go-karts so bad fellas, this is the Elvis go-karts center We've been in business over 40 years

I thought you could just say that It's got the three things people love Go-karts Italians And a Mario It's got everything everybody loves I'm Italian, I'm from New York, and I'm Super Mario That would be so good if he just started doing Mario

Mario Kart Well, he does Blues Brothers, he does Elvis When we brought up Andrew Dice Clay, he's like I did his act once Well, we should help him branch out into the next thing He should be doing Bruno Mars Gene didn't happily does Bruno Mars 24-karat magic in the air tonight

I'm Italian, and I'm Bruno Mars I got everything Everything the girls want Damn, I want a bit of him fucking Yeah Back in the day though You want to see Gene have sex Have sex with like a beehive hairdo?

I think we all had that same thought Yeah, that was the first thing that came to mind When you were talking about the Ramada I want to see this guy have sex For back in the day though The girl hiding in the bathroom It doesn't matter what you meet, Ed Can't you just make fun of the guy in a racist way?

You got to think about him having sex You're not even gay I know Come on, Archie Just Archie with that big breast implants Yeah, Archie with this beautiful blonde hair Aw, come on All you did back in my day

Was you got the top surgery And you tried to look as good as you could in a sundress Now everything is hormones This and injections And posting pictures of yourself with all over the subreddit Oh, I look cute today I had to get a job The only daily affirmation I needed

Was the sound of the punch card Going through my time sheet Is that would that be cool If that's what the 1970s trans people were like The ones with like, you know, triangle tits True pioneers, man You had to go to like Sweden and get your Get a job style

To get a job style Suck my dick and eat my ass Who was the first trans person Probably the governor of New York There's a painting of him What? There's a cousin of Queen Anne or something Ed Cotts

Yeah, Archie was probably the first trans person Wait, there's a governor that was trans? You know this, there was like a British governor There's a picture of him That just looks like a lady And it was like, you know, the Baron George The something, yeah And it was like the Queen's cousin

Who she just sent over to be that governor of New York To get his yeeks just absolutely blown out His yeeks, yeah Trans governor The trans governor Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger Bum bum bum bum Doo doo doo

Where did my cock go? My vagina is a C120 Super computer hole It is a learning vagina Would you boys get up to this weekend, huh? I can't remember, I don't know where I am Or what I've done or been doing Yeah, I'm trying, I can't even think, yeah

Saw Blake and Jake Oh yeah? Yeah I saw Jake last week Yeah, I guess Jake's podcast host died Oh yeah, damn, RIP Good dude, wild week in podcasting Yeah

I've never met him Yeah, he's a good dude You've never met him? No, never met him once He's a really nice guy Now with the blue guy and the elephant John McCain No, he's talking about Indian heaven

Oh, Indian heaven, oh yeah The eight arm guy Yeah, the eight arm guy The jai hawk guy, the sloth He's up in there in a band with the elephant And the guy who can play six guitars at once In the cantina Yeah, the big butter, the big spider

Yeah, all the musicians in the cantina scene They were Indian gods I made that joke last night Did you? Yeah, to Jake Did I copy it? No, you didn't copy it, you weren't there But he didn't get anything last night

So I didn't repeat it Oh, okay Yeah, we'll deserve more Just in case I think probably he was just sad about his friend dying Who? No, no, he was also making fun of it We were all laughing about it

Oh, that's good I'm glad to hear that So you just didn't like that one? What's that? People heard me I think maybe I was crushing so hard It would have gotten more if the room was paying attention So my problem is I often step on bits by crushing too hard

That's a big problem in comedy Crush yourself Yeah, I'm just a crusher Dr. Beverly Crusher Sometimes I wish I had a first name like Beverly Yeah, you could be Beverly You could be Beverly moment Yeah, yeah, yeah

How are you doing? My name is Beverly Was that Crusher's real name in Star Trek? Yeah, it was Beverly Yeah, Beverly Crusher That's not real What do you mean that's not real? I've seen probably like a hundred episodes in the next generation Never knew it was Beverly

It's Beverly Crusher Well, I don't know what Okay, okay I didn't know Picard called us or Beverly to her face Constantly Beverly It's implied that they used to fuck, I think too

Yeah Were there any flashbacks where Picard had hair? No That'd be awesome Even when Patrick Stewart was young, he didn't have hair What? That's how you know he's a pedophile That's not true

Yeah, sure, but... What was his brother's name? Patrick Stewart? Yeah, there's like an episode where... Luke Jean Picard Whenever he goes to Earth, he gets like real French Like he wears like scarves and braids Yeah

He's just eating nothing but pralines He's like a British guy on the fucking spaceship But when he goes to Earth, he becomes like a French faggot I like smelly pussies Damn I'm feeling like maybe like a ham and cheese croissant or something They implied that Picard used to fuck Crusher Yeah

Or they had their like close friends or something They were like winking at each other Does he fuck at all on the show? Yeah, he had it related He also like, it's just implied... Shatner fucked every alien Well, no, he doesn't really Shatner I think only fucks like once or twice

He kissed the black girl That was a big deal Fucks the green aliens But... Yeah, Picard has all these like... I think it's also implied that he fucked Whoopie Goldberg's character Gino or whatever name was

Hell fucking yes Gino Yeah, no, she was like the god of titties or something Nice Yeah, that dumb hat I remember being a little kid and seeing Whoopie Goldberg's character on Star Trek And thinking like, do black women just dress like that?

Did that hair? Yeah, well, I thought it was like, no, with the big disc hat I don't know what she looked like on Star Trek You don't remember? Yeah, yeah, yeah That was such a funny cast Did you see enough black people in Montgomery County? Yeah, but I mean, it's like the future

Oh, I see, I see I mean, it's like, don't like... It's like, this is just what they think black women... Right, right, right They evolved, that's their evolved state Yeah, like that's... That's their rat attack Rat it to Whoopie

Here, hold on Whoopie Riot you Riot you Stop The black women's Pikachu Oh, I saw the Dolas all documentary this weekend Oh yeah, do you ever see her tits?

I really wanted to be like, she's innocent You know Of what? She makes it hard She makes it really hard Here we go At the end, she changes her name to like Malika, Africa, Diallo or something

Some crazy shit It's Guinan, not Gino Same shit No, but here, look Oh, hell yeah Yeah Yeah, that's a weird look That's not the future at all

That looks... That looks real like... She looks like a cobra Like a blue cobra How long was she in the show? She was like a guest character that would show up Nice But they would, she would like

Her and like, Picard would like She was on a different ship? You know, they would like wink at each other No, she wasn't on a different ship She was like an alien or something She would come from Africa From the planet of Africa What people...

Goldberg has a strange ass career Like, what was the first shit she did That really made her pop off? Sister Act? Sister Act's good as shit Well, her stand up No, she didn't do stand up She was like, mom's maybe like a one woman play

She wasn't a stand up? I don't think she ever really was Dude, I can't remember anything anymore I remember, like the other day Somebody was saying that Will Smith is like doing stand up now And I was like, didn't he do stand up? Apparently not, that's what I thought he did

I thought he was a rapper and a stand up comedian Yeah, no Did you also think that? He was a comedic actor This is some Bernstein bear shit It is, it definitely is Cause it's like, I like remember that he was Specifically a stand up comedian and a rapper

When I was a little kid, I was like, that's cool Yes Maybe it's just I thought he was a comedian and a rapper Yeah, I think that's weird Cause I thought the same shit And then I was like, wait a second I had no memory of him ever actually doing stand up Oh yeah, I saw that

But it felt like he did And you know what's funny dude? It's like, you see someone who's like actually talented Do stand up like for the first time And he's just like He sucks Huh? No, he sucked

Nah, I saw like a clip, it was pretty good But none of it was funny But it's like, that guy's like a famous guy You see people that are next level talented for real Like Jim Carrey wasn't a good stand up But it was like, that guy's like talented as shit My impression of the Will Smith stand up video Is he looked nervous

Like it wasn't funny The clip I saw was him like Jade's in my house and I'm like Can I get on the track? And he's like, what you mean? Oh You know, and it's like not Yeah, I guess I don't remember what clip I saw

I just saw the video of him with like But I enjoyed him dude Yeah I was smiling with my friend Will dude Yeah You know, it was nice to see him out there No, it was good to see him I mean I like Will Smith

So it's nice to see him do something that he wanted to do Right I have no, like I don't respect stand up comedy Yeah In fact, I think it's pretty funny to see comedians Get upset about Right Will Smith doing comedy

Right Like oh great, celebrities just think my art Is something they can just do whenever It's like, don't you work at Panera? Yeah, yeah, you don't do anything You've been doing this for what? Three and a half years? Also it's like, it's one thing to be like

Screech or like Jeremy Piven But it's like I would go, I would love to be in the room While Will Smith talks for an hour Of course He's so famous, he's so cool I don't give a fuck what he does It's different than like

Literally, you know, just a broke ass Like being mad at Stormy Daniels Then Horny Daniels Yeah That's what I call her Dude, that's fucked up Yeah, Stormy Daniels really triggered A lot of female comics out there

Which makes her part of the team You know That's right She makes her honor Should we get it on the show? Whoopi Goldberg just had sepsis I thought you just said Is that what your shit, your bloodstream?

Yeah, you get turds in your blood Shit, what does she do, you turds? She's been eating too many turds on the view I think she possibly had a rectovaginal fistula Just a wild guess Alright So what you think is Her asshole split open into her pussy

Yes And she shit into her own pussy Yeah And got sepsis Oh, hold on So here's what happened I had pneumonia and I developed sepsis Oh interesting

Okay But you can't rule out that I mean, that's a convenient cover-up What's it called? What's it called the deductive diagnosis Or whatever I don't know Doctors, they start with the most common thing

And they work their way down Yeah You know, so you're like first Like if you're like, I have a stomach ache You're like, it's probably just gas Right They're like, no, it's really bad And seven months later they're like

Oh, whoops, you have cancer Right But it's too late to do anything now Yeah, that's why we start with Split your pussy open into your ass Mrs. Goldberg, I believe you have erectovaginal fistula Is Mr. Goldberg here to process your intake papers? In case you die in surgery?

Now, Mr. Goldberg, when we sew up her pussy How tight would you like it? Oh boy, my wife is so sick She's got erectovaginal fistula If you get your pussy torn up by a baby Yeah Do they sew it up tighter? Yeah, they sew it back

But do they give you a smaller pussy if you want one? Oh yeah, they give you a cute little small little pussy They trim the lips down a little bit They make it look fresh Does the baby gnaw on the lips on the way out? I'm mad, I'm mad, you don't There's no dick lips I think it would be cool if I had like cool wings

That's what we're being forced No, I mean at the base Oh, the base So like your balls flare up Like around the dick What's that, reptile? That's what I'm talking about What's the name of that?

A boss lizard No The boss of the desert That's not called the boss lizard Boss of the planes, baby Well, I tell you, if you're a gambling man Oh You can bet

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A machete A machete, yeah Do you think you could beat up Danny Trejo, Adam? What's that? Do I think I could beat him up? Yeah Yeah, he's got a gay little chest tattoo Yeah

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That's right I'm looking at stuff on my VR mobile playing interface And legally, if you get hit? Why is that even in here? I don't understand why that's in the copy What? Easy to use mobile playing interface Because that's what it is, brother

That's what it is People are like, what do you mean app? What the fuck does app mean? Yeah, they could have just said easy to use app Mobile playing interface That's right, bro A term that no one uses Yeah, but doesn't it sound cool?

I guess Well, that's the thing, it's all about playing I just want my eyes modified So that it does that targeting thing Or like it identifies it Would you get both eyes or just one? One I would get one

Yeah, one red, a Kano style Yeah, Kano style Oh, hell yeah Metal arms That would rock Jack's Yeah, yeah, yeah Metal arms, red eye Titty's legs, chun-ly

Legs replaced with big tire tractors, wheels Like tractor trailer You know like fucking the guy from Twisted Metal The black guy? Yeah Axl He's a black man that's part car Take that way to America

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That's right The spirit of I love small business That's actually the name of my yacht The spirit of commerce The spirit of the business industry It's my 120 foot yacht Respect

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You got any bracket busters? Yeah I got some bracket busters Why don't you vote on Beto at work Landing the 900 Beto at work has to land the 900 If he doesn't do it Everybody who listens to this show gets $200 Yeah

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Yes Yeah C U M We're in good standing with them We are in good standing I would say take the Mississippi State Bulldogs There should be an Equifax for like minorities You know what I mean

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So once again that's bettsi.com CUM120 Let's start the show Ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba Ba ba ba it's Com-Town town welcome back to cream tart, crumb tart, crumb crumb

with your hosts, Nick Mawin and Stavros Halkees Mr. Have Gay Sex himself Stavros Have Gay Sex Halkees Mr. Yeah Stavros Ha ha, pitbull, Mr. Have Gay Sex

Hey, Mrs. Dalle Mrs. Bump Bump Bump Bump What's the song that has that Bump Bump Bump sound? Uh, pretty much every song No, you know the one, there's a specific pitbull song where it goes

Bump Bump Bump Bump Should we all move to Norway? We like to party That guy that's running for president, Pete Buttgig? Buttgig? Yeah, Pete Buttgig I would love if somebody got caught having gay sex and called it Buttgig

He's gay Buttgig They're calling it Buttgig The senator got his cheeks absolutely blown out He's gay But apparently someone said that he learned Norwegian so he could read books Damn

What a glorified What a fucking door Get the fuck out of here, bro This guy is squaring off with an old man A fight video? Hey man, calm the fuck down, bro This guy looks like he has Down syndrome is squaring off with a 70 year old

Hell yes At the gym? Remember when that mentally challenged gentleman slapped the shit out of a woman on the train? No Remember that video? That's one of the best videos of all time

Oh yeah, that black guy That white girl, that black dude Was he mentally challenged? No, they were both black Oh, there was like a white girl mouthing off on the J train and a black guy just smacked the life out of her No, I don't think that guy was

That guy rocked Writs out of his What happened? Did the old guy get fucked up? A homeless student in DC A homeless student in DC one time said to another dude I'll smack the black out of you

I could never forget that Yeah, because you hate that kind of black on black crime Yeah, I said come on guys we need to get the community together We have to stop killing us Adam, you're back in the gym why don't you tell us about that Back in the gym, like I was saying to you

I did see a trans man there who was just insanely brawlic Nice And Nick said that it's because when you're on HRT testosterone, you're basically on steroids Should we go on steroids? Well, we have to become men

Yeah, you should have enough testosterone on your body that you're not being upstaged by No Adam's getting the show stolen from him at the gym Listen, everyone's stealing the show from me but that gentleman in particular was just like Insanely That trans woman goes up to Adam

and they're like I just want to say I was where you were years ago and threw a lot of hormone therapy Just hang in there sister The mustache is already almost coming in I'm looking, you are passing Don't let anyone tell you you're not passing

I appreciate the pep talk And I'm here for you, you are a man Don't let anyone tell you you're not passing I'm 32 years old nearly and I'm still transitioning into becoming a man But yeah, I appreciate the possibility Yeah, you guys finally almost grow mustaches Yeah, me and Saf, it's taken about a year

Meanwhile, mine is so perfectly curated Beautiful mustache You do look I just gave Arthur that mustache You're playing the Arthur He's playing the Arthur the Ardvark video game On his own PC Adam's in the gaming now

so he's got Rita Rabbit going If he spells a nine syllable word he'll give Arthur a fucking hat I love Math Blaster because he's like fucking just nutting all over a girl's face and he's like Oh, two plus six The updated version

The updated version of Math Blaster Every fucking question you get right is another stroke on your jaw It's like a woman on her knees Hell yeah Bam, should we create that? Math Blaster Yeah, teach them little kids how to learn

How to do math I'm trying to get some pussy from Mavis Beacon that'll tell you what I'm trying to get some head from a black lady in a business suit Is that the chief? Is that who Mavis Beacon was? She was a professional black woman?

Is that the chief from Similar vibes, yeah From San Diego? We're in the world I guess that's supposed to be like Kamala Harris Is the chief from where? Detectives I bet you Kamala Harris back in the day

could absolutely get a little piece of dick pie Yeah, I mean she's still like kind of hot I would smash to show that I'm an ally Let's see, Kamala Harris young Let's see what we got here She's probably pretty sloppy She's probably a bitch, dude But you like that, don't you?

I kind of do, yeah Yeah, Adam's been bad Tell me I'm going to jail, Kamala Adam's been a bad boy Tell me I have to go to school I didn't send my daughter to school So lock me up and fuck my ass, Kamala Yeah, Adam's a naughty boy

from bad boy town He's going to get locked up Fuck Yeah, I would smash I would smash Kirk Howard Did she go to Howard? I don't know, I think she did I would also smash Amy Klobuchar

Hell yeah, dude That fucking dumb bitch She was saying she was going to be mean to Putin She was like it's good that I was Oh yeah, I'm sorry? Amy Knob gets hard? That's right, she had a little cock under that fucking skirt Yeah I talked to some girl

I was with a group of men Discussing politics Of course, as you like to do In an intellectual salon We were discussing Bernie and some woman comes up And she goes, I'm voting for Amy Klobuchar And I fucking I just like, I took my hand

I put my palm right underneath her chin And I just Rammed her head through the drywall So just, yeah Is that what you did to her? Right, I synced it right between the studs And she didn't even press charges? Well, I did it so in a way so that her chin went back first

So that just the top of her dome Smashed into the drywall When she tries to get out, her chin comes forward She gets stuck So she's just standing there with her head stuck in the wall And then we all had sex with her Wow So I don't know much about Amy Klobuchar

But that's what it makes me think of When I hear her name It's kind of like a glory hole But only your head is on the other side It's just me and a couple of Bernie Bros hanging out And then a woman coming up and saying I'm voting for Amy Klobuchar And then just the sound of sheet rock shattering

And then my sexual gratification afterwards Interesting, yeah Me and my fellas all high-fiving as we come Yeah, the other thing about Bernie Bros That's what socialism is That's what democratic socialism is We all call each other brother Kind of like Muslim black people do

So brother Nick and like, yeah, brother Stav It does really feel good To talk like a Muslim black person I'm a brother of Mujilan In the Bernie Bros In the Bernard Bros Hey, brother of Mujilan The Bernard Brigade

Smash his bitches into the drywall Yeah This is Klobuchar bitches head through the drywall Brother of Mujilan We got some Bernie Brothers to do Some Bernie business That's what we call handling Female detractors like that

Dude, I'm ready to go full Bernie I know I said it before But if that's how it's going to be If I'm going to hear nothing About how harassing Bernie Bros are Then you better believe I'm going to do some harassing Get a little bit of my money's worth

Yeah, if I'm already in trouble for it I cannot wait I'm outside of Sadie Dole's house With a sniper rifle Every time she leaves Every time she leaves I ask Just in the middle of her forehead I've got a big megaphone on a sniper rifle

Tripod I'm Sadie, what is that? Boo bitch from across the street Excuse me boo What is that a zit on your forehead? That's a laser This message brought to you by Bernie Sanders Your dumb bitch just messes up

Bernie Sanders Bernie Sanders entirely supports this This is where your $37 went I'm going to fucking do hate speech at women And then be like ad paid for By the Bernie Sanders campaign Bernie Sanders is your job to find Sponsored content

Go on Twitter, find any woman talking About Hillary Clinton and then send her videos Of you deadlifting You got something to say now? Bitch And that's how we're going to win this election Don't even like Don't even argue with her

She shouldn't even know why you're doing it What's up Bitch You got something to say to me? Because I'm from LA I'm from Texas I'm from My name is Beto and I'm from

East LA You're from Texas, yeah that's what I thought East LA was Hey I'm Beto My name is Robert O'Donovan, Patrick Leahy O'Connell

Fuck Bobby Doherty Yeah I don't fuck with him anymore dude Did you fuck with him? I mean it was cool when he was running against Ted Cruz's bitch ass And he couldn't, he didn't even win No

I don't like losers This guy couldn't even beat Ted Cruz I beat Ted Cruz so easily That's the thing, they're going to think They're going to attack Trump He's going to spend the entire time talking about Ted Cruz And what a loser Ted Cruz This guy lost to Ted Cruz

Have you seen him at Greid When I said his wife was a rat He already He already went on Joe Biden It's going to be awesome Trump did? He's called a very low IQ individual Yeah he's right He's not wrong

He doesn't even grab pussy as good as me What a disgrace this guy is Goddamn Yeah He said that there's something wrong with He said I saw that video of Beto He was just moving his hand so much

Have you ever seen someone move his hand so much Really? That's what he got him for He's like I think there's something wrong with him I think he's got something wrong Goddamn it He's going to start, he's just like slowly He's trying to get them to do like Beto has

Parkinson's thing Which maybe he does Maybe something happened when he was driving drunk All those times He messed up his brain In all of his drunk driving incidents Which I heard he only did So he could seem more Hispanic

He just wanted to seem like more of a Mexican So he would drive drunk all the time Around Texas I cannot believe his name is Robert dude That'd be like if you were just like I'm Nikola But he's like He went to prep school on the east coast

He's just as much, he's like George Bush He's literally worse than Dolizol Rachel Dolizol has more of a claim To blackness than Beto Our work does to being Hispanic Dude, I agree That's insane that he just made it up

When did it start? When did that should start? I guess it was a nickname when he was a little kid When he was a kid, yeah Whatever man, fuck off Fuck off Robert But it's like to the same extent That BAM is a nickname That doesn't mean that he's

You know, I don't know Yeah, BAM would be BAM is a cooler nickname Is it? Is it Beto? Is it a cooler nickname? Yeah, BAM, it's cool What would you like your nickname to be, Adam?

I'm afraid I got plenty of nicknames Yeah? Like what? Cheese of the South Mr. Steal Your Joke Mr. Suck Your Dick Mr. Suck Your Dick The wins of the Trans River Jordan

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I am gay Why don't they just call it Miami Where the fuck do they have to fuck with it and call it Miami Miami That's how Cuban people say it Do they have an I sound Do they have an I sound Do they have a Spanish word no

It's a fucking American word It's the name of our state It's not a state it's a city What is Miami Is it some Indian shit probably It's like an English word Is it What does it mean

Miami dude it's just the name of the fucking place My money's on it's some kind of Indian shit Yeah like a seminal word Like a Hari No no no The cool kind with arrows and shit Yeah Scarecrow

Scarecrow Indians That's right You know it's crazy that the Indians could never develop society Or culture because They didn't come up with scarecrows The birds would eat all their food That's where they always had to keep moving They couldn't do agriculture

I did not know that I don't think I know it either I just chose something I did not know that fact I think I read it in school Worrying about the natives There were definitely Natives that had farms right

Maze come on bro Blaze The Indians call it blaze They smoke a corn cob The whole shit Did the Indians call it blaze No that's all you brother That was like a joke for people that weren't funny

Or as the Indians call it maze It really was Starting from like third grade I don't know what the fuck that was How's that a joke though People who weren't funny Or as the Indians call it maze It's sort of like an essay thing

I think it might even be from the Simpsons But I think it was like an essay thing Like Webster's dictionary defines But that one's still a funny joke Because I do that one still But the maze one is not funny Okay That's right

The smartest motherfucker on the pot Mae Aimee was the original name For Lake Okeechobee And then the river that ran Choka Choka Choka Aimee Lake Smasher Klobuchar Keep going

Keep reading me Wait wait this is fucked up The original Okeechobee Is derived from The Hitachi word Like the Vibrator That company also makes other things

You know they didn't intend that to be a vibrator It was literally supposed to be a back massager And then oh I'm sorry Did you want to tell the story I'm sorry Excuse me Excuse me Hold on here

We got a regular Aimee Klobuchar So it's named after the Miami river Which I guess runs Into Miami and Which was I guess originally named after The original name of Lake Okeechobee And that's how But it was like with wise

And a bunch of different eyes You know what's crazy Jamaica the island and Jamaica Queens Not related in the slightest In terms of the naming Really? Yeah They're just completely different Atomology

Spelled exactly the same The Jamaica Queens one Is like some Native American bullshit And the other one is like you know I don't know Really? Yeah they're just not They're not similar They're not like based on the same That's fucked up

Did you make it as live there in Queens? I don't know I just remember thinking like I remember I always said that Jamaica Queens Like that's funny that they're like oh this is the black Where the black people live In Africa Brooklyn I uh I got little Stavey's movie corner

Recommendation. Oh yeah. It was a hurt locker Oh wow cool. It was good 10 years ago. You liked it? Yeah I guess it was okay No it was good and also Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Yeah thanks Good record dude. It's fucking good dude I think it's better than the hurt locker

Yeah. Well here's what happened I came home from a poker game Saturday to my home In my homestead in Baltimore My little brother George Was working on some, he likes to work on Paintings late at night and watch movies while he's Doing it and he just had the hurt locker

Going and I just got sucked the fuck in Did you fuck Chastain? We talk About this all the time. How about the turd locker? Yes I would. She wasn't in the hurt locker. Who's the main girl? You're thinking of fucking Oh the hurt locker is the bomb one I'm thinking of Zero Dark 30 I like to call it Zero Dark People

And it's a movie Where they kill all of them Yeah the hurt locker is with Jeremy Renner. Yeah it was really good They did 9-11 So we did 9-11 million Both of those are Catherine

Bigelow though. Yeah Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon and She made Actually here's another movie Wrecko Strange Days Catherine Bigelow movie from 95 that I've never seen. Strange Gaze Starring Adam Friedman

They did 9-11 So he did gay 9-11 No that's not what it's about Driving his ass into two guys this He shoved the entire twin towers Up his ass That's not how 9-11

They hit it with a plan Yeah but you did gay 9-11 Listening to the bit Adam They thought they were flying a plane To the twin towers but it was actually His ass They flew the plane Into my ass

They flew your ass into the plane Into the towers man He did both of those things The plane went into my ass and then The one man who could do both of those Gay Adam stars as gay 9-11 but also the planes And he's gay too

He's a character and the man in real life He's the planes The buildings The terrorists And the victims but the gay version of all of them It's like the clumps Adam plays them all in Well yeah I'm a versatile performer

Adam also exists as a Concept Conceptually he is the act Of being gay The concept of being gay This summer Gay 9-11 Gay Adam 9-11

Strange day is a sin You guys should watch it It's on HBO right now It's about The drug of the future People are called wire heads They put this contraption on their brains It's like full VR

It sounds gay It's interesting Pass It's fucking sick Yo Crouching Tiger is much more epic than I thought Like a literal epic than I thought it was gonna be What does that mean?

It's like very sweeping The crouching tiger is Adam And the hidden dragon is the HIV virus And the penis that he's crouching over It's got like big ass Can one man get HIV From a Chinese ninja The answer is yes

They're not ninjas This summer Gay Adam gets AIDS From Chinese people Crouching tiger hidden dragon It's just a reboot I remember I saw that movie in theaters One of the first times I read it

I remember I saw that movie in theaters One of the first times I ever smoked weed That's cool It was tight I saw that and I also saw On 420 I saw the scorpion king starring the rock Hell yeah dude

And everyone in the theater was laughing Everyone was stunned and we were all laughing Like how bad of a movie it was That was some hell of a war CGI of all time It was really bad I think they made a scorpion king too Back to DVD Wasn't Stifler in that?

Stifler? Was he in the scorpion king? I thought he was Maybe It was a spin off of the mummy Doesn't the rock appear in the mummy As the scorpion king In the mummy 3 And then he's in the

I was going to sit down and rewatch all those movies Just to have something to do Before I die I have another thing Another day in my life I guess I probably only have 4000 of these days left Until I literally die

But here's what I'll be using it on Not even probably What is that? What is the math on there? 365 is a year 365 and then how many years? No you got more than 4000 days No it's 11 years

You're going to look longer than 11 years We'll see Yeah Yeah it is pretty gay to think about Mortality when one man Doesn't wipe his ass Somebody on this plane's got shit in his ass And he holds

An entire plane hostage I can't breathe Nobody can fucking breathe in here Oh have you guys ever taken like A really wild shit on an airplane bathroom? Like almost every flight He's like the guy on a plane and he's like He's going to say hi

No no It's a It's like phone booth Oh that's what it was Yeah so those are my recommendations You guys should see strange things No We heard locker and crouching tiger

Everyone's seen those movies stars Literally everyone's seen those movies Strange days What if Adam's dick was a day And then they called it strange This summer What do you think of that Adam? A strange dick could be big

But it's not We all know that it isn't That adjective could be used for a large dick It was large It was so strange how large it was That it's gay I can't have a gay penis That's how gay your dick is

It's a physical appendage No no The doctor said your son's going to be gay They said just look at his dick And then your dad was like I guess he's right This summer My son's got a gay dick

One man, one gay son One Strange penis A cop, a retired cop Who was good at his job Now in retirement He has one last task To deal with his two

Gay sons Seattle That's great Well done Just take out the laugh track Coming out of retirement To do one last job Deal with his two

Gay sons Niles have you seen My crocs This summer Frasier That'd be a great like Trailer to cut Just take out the laugh track

Four friends One Jewish comedian Another racist Probably Italian but we'll call him Jewish Anyways neighbor George Elaine I gotta say dude

I'm mad at sitcoms For giving fat Fat boys Unrealistic expectations to live up to George Slade pussy King of Queens Yeah but that's more of a New York thing Than a fat guy thing

Cause there's hot girls here in the ugly guys I'm in New York now man Yeah and you overachieve all the time Why is it that's not unrealistic It's very similar to your life It's pretty much the most Realistic The picture of what was going to happen

Other than the fact that you're unemployed most of the time Or working for the Yankees Other than that everything else has worked out But they were Adams basically Jerry Seinfeld Boom I'm sort of Kramer I would say you know

With the racial outburst My schemes I am Kramer I guess I'm definitely George I mean there's no discussion there I guess Adams is also Elaine I think I'm more George spiritually Yes I am You want to be the coolest one

You're the least funny and the one that has to be the center of attention That's not true George is a Nebuchadnezzar He's not the coolest one Adam we talked about this and it's true He's a Jerry You're a Jerry Adam That's more Peterson than uh

Elaine's the best spot You work the road Who are you kidding I'm George you're out of your mind Oh come on George isn't Jewish bitch Spiritually he is That's how I am

How about I'm putty How about I just get to be putty Elaine I went under your car To have gay sex Elaine did your keys So I go under your car and have gay sex Yeah putty gay putty

This summer The guy from the tick Remember Elaine's boyfriend I saw that He's gay He's gay now And the other characters called Elaine

But legally it has nothing to do with signs It's just Happens to also be Elaine Elaine Me and my uh Voice over friend guy are gonna go into the bathroom In a second But the twist is I have gay sex

Yes The trailer guy is now part of the movie Also having gay sex Having gay sex with putty Yeah feels pretty good Always makes me come Uh I would love to smash Elaine's cheeks Yeah

Yeah I love her Well you should be happier Jerry Because Jerry got to fuck Elaine Too bad I never did as George He should have gotten back with her They used to frustrate me as like a gay little boy Why doesn't he get back with Elaine She's so charming

Maybe the pussy was trash Yeah I remember watching Will and Grace as a kid I remember watching Will and Grace as a kid I'm like I don't understand it Why don't Will and Jack have sex They're both homosexual We all know that

Homosexuals just have gay sex With whatever man they know If you leave them in a room Is that written into the show that they fuck? Like once? No? Why aren't they just always having sex? It's not implied they never did I remember also thinking as a little kid

That Deborah Messing's character made them gay By being flat chested And that was not like me being mean That was like my thought If she had big old cans They wouldn't have been gay What about Karen? She had big titties Karen who?

Yeah but her voice was annoying She talked like a baby I literally jacked off the episodes of Will and Grace When you could just sort of see parts of her kids And then it would cut to Jack kissing his boyfriend Doing gay stuff and you're like oh no I can't

Whoops Rewinding this part Jack living out loud Didn't mean to do that Your mom's like Stop Rose why are you doing this In the living room Oh yeah it's your mom's birthday Happy birthday big V

But I went down to celebrate it This week? It's my dad's birthday Really? This week Did you kiss her? Yeah Me too What? Are you serious? I kissed her first Before you were born during that year and a half

When you were a baby I fucked an 18 months old You fucked my mom Were we all invent time machines And we'd go back in time trying to fuck each other's mom Yeah We'd get the day before And then we'd sort of fuck up history

And Hitler's back But at least I fucked your mom Or did you because I've gone back before That and prevented the mom fucking But also making time to go fuck your mom And then it turns out you're both my sons But it's too late because You've gone past beyond that history

And we've formed a secret alliance To double team your mom With the Nazis With the Third Reich Yeah well that's your grandma you fucking weirdos Because I fucked your mom's And made you You fucked our mom's in some timeline

But we used the time machine to go beyond that Honestly like legitimately I wouldn't give a fuck If you just absolutely fucked The shit out of my grandma I'll give you the two pog of Cape Town I'll give you the Was that you gave

That nickname when I was young The two pog of Cape Town That's right Damn Esther My grandma's name is Esther Both of my grandma's names are Esther Shut the fuck up Are you serious?

Wait a second Both your grandma's name is Esther And one of your grandma's name is Esther Jeanne Jeanne she was a man Yeah she was a man Jeanne in appellate Damn

I had Olga and Zespina Oh yeah that's basically Esther Zespina is like Esther Yeah Estherna Zespina Like in American It's Zespina And then there were girls named Zespina

Of course we called them Zespinas Yeah Zespinas Dat penis Damn That penis bag is a good look for you It's kind of It's become one Podcasting in all blue

Literally anybody looks like shit sitting on that thing It's just sort of designed That looks crazy It's the same color So the doll is all documentary She's like kind of stating her case Talking about her childhood You say you go through that baseball around

I know dude we got to go to the park I got a shit to do I got to get my taxes ready for Patrick on Thursday You know it's too late for that He doesn't have a business I have to make a business They fucked my shit up This is minor things in there

My address is wrong It's spelled wrong also Damn That's gay I mean they do a good job In terms of saving money Probably my ad is I can't ever get any clear answer

I can ask a question And treat it like an asshole Asking for clarification You have to call Or go in I've gotten clarification like that But it is a thing The accounts make it do magic

And that's what's important They make the pussy talk I'm hoping my man My account makes the pussy talk back Does some magic on me Lane I saw this thing online I want to use your pussy like a puppet Well it's going to require

You have a recto vaginal fissure Yeah it's a whoopee goldberg thing She did it in one of her movies Yeah Patrick Swayze Cut a hole in her asshole Then he would use her pussy to talk to his wife No I've seen the movie It's a different movie

No Lane it's no there's ghosts And then there's this other one with the pussy puppet Anyways I want to do that to you Ah fuck So you tie it all together folks I can't believe I didn't know That's called theme

I can't believe I didn't know her name was Really Crusher I don't know I feel like I knew Trying to cut up my couch with you I was just pushing There was like a There was like a wrinkle Push this dick into your ass deeper

Anyway sorry this door is all Documentary Let me just say this You must push it deeper It's not coming out So like she's like stating her case You're like oh man maybe You know race is a social construct

Like if someone could become a woman Why can't they become black And then like she's stating her case And then at the end of the documentary They just go through black Like interviewing black people And they're like oh hell fucking no They're like they're so mad

They get so pissed off And one of them is this black girl Doing like a deaf poetry jam And her poem is about like And if I ever see She's gonna be black and blue And it's She talk like that on the show all the time

If I do my deaf poetry jam Until nobody thinks you're the woke one anymore I'm definitely not the woke one I'm definitely uh This is no longer a woke show This is a Bernie Pilled show dude This is a Bernie Pilled show Yeah we're Bernie Pilled

We want universal healthcare But also universal slurs Universal basic income Exactly We all share money, we all share the n-word Yeah universal basic income Because basically Mm-hmm

Come 2020 I'm saying the n-word At the inauguration I'm what you call a universal basic bitch dude Hell yeah I want all that shit It'd be sweet if like

We get UBI Or whatever And it's like $200,000 a year For everyone And it doesn't raise the price of anything You could just Game And people are like who's gonna pay for this

And it's like our children Yeah fuck them I'm not having kids, you're dumb ass kids are paying for this shit You're dumb, yeah I still think something's gonna come out about Andrew Yang It's gonna be very funny I don't know, he's just such an unknown entity There has to be something that's very funny

In his past He's an unknown entity Turns out he was the Virginia Tech shooter Something like that He just killed another Asian kid And left the body in his dorm And they're like yep, that's him Bring the family in to identify the body

And they're like I guess it's him I don't know how the fuck we know It's all the same to us Yes we're not even We're not even Asian Are those Mexican people that look Asian Yeah Chino

Oh fuck dude Yang, but Yang It's not like he's well known I feel like it's only on the internet right Yeah well he did Rogan, he blew up for me On the online A lot of the like the Pepe guys I can't wait to blow up

Oh I want to say this is my last Time to see my dates on the show before I go to The Midwest this weekend I just wanted to say I'm proper This isn't going up by then This is going up on Wednesday Yeah but by that time it's too late Yeah so I'm going out with

Adam come on Guys, importantly March 30th We'll be in DC Black cast We're doing a stand up We're doing an APM stand up show A 10 PM live podcast Two different shows

So get your tickets to one or both It's still going to be us the whole time though So Friday night I'm at North Bar in Chicago There's only about 100 tickets left For both shows So please buy those We're close to selling out

You've got boogers all over And blood all over my fucking tracks So Friday night on the 22nd Fuck March I woke up in the middle of the night last night And there was just blood pouring out of my nose This is profusely That happens to me all the time

Since I was a kid Not even from all the drugs Alright so I am at North Bar in Chicago This Friday to date Two times You can look on the website for that On Saturday night

In Milwaukee at Pudlers Hall And then we are In Eau Claire Wisconsin which I understand is about An hour from Minneapolis On Sunday the 24th At the plus and then Mike will be In Minneapolis

On Monday night I will be back in New York Check out Adam at the Diddler's Pocket April 22nd Headlining the ball pit At the Eau Claire McDonald's I will say that Microscene is our buddy You've heard him on the show he's a fabulous stand-up comic

You guys will really enjoy it That's right so March 30th March 30th DC Come Town Live at the Black Cat Two times I talked to that San Diego guy And then I got another thing in the Bay Area In Portland

I might do a little early summer run What are you doing in the yay? The yay area I'm still going back and forth to the guy That would be fun Portland was fun You should do Seattle and Portland Well what I want to do is rent a car

Just drive up the PCH That would be tight PCH is great You got to borrow your car To go on a gay sex trip up the PCH Putty's Child Have you ever done it? Did you do it when you were in California?

The PCH? Putty's come hour Going up the PCH Putty's come hour You should go to Big Sur and do acid Why don't you let me live my own life Drop a little tabby Drop a little tabby at Big Sur

Go to Big, go to Joshua Tree Press a gun to my temple And fucking say what a beautiful world Listen to it click And then inhale deeply Click, click, suck Say wow The gun jammed

Now I have a second lease on life Suck, suck, dick Suck, suck I wonder if like gun store owners They recognize guys that come in That want to kill themselves And they have special guns that jam That would be a gun store owner with a heart of gold

Yeah Well then you can sell them a second gun though It's just a smart business It's just a savvy business decision Yeah Sell them on the jams He comes back Then you sell them two guns to kill himself

What about one with like one of those flags That comes out It's like 3D Chess The other day I was explaining to someone That the only reason I make fun of retarded people Is to guarantee that I have a retarded kid Because I care, I love them so much They're being eradicated from this world

To the vicious act of abortion Which you are fully against Which I In every circumstance Yeah, Nick has tried cat Only because Of that powerful testimony That boy

I guess he's a man That's right Who was recently actually covered on NPR I don't know if you guys He had his own He had his own Special I don't know

It is funny though Because you would watch it and you would think That I did actually Not even consider the fact that they are happier Than regular people And like when he said that I guess they probably deserve life More than most people

Because really the only thing that matters is Whether you enjoy your life or not The rest of it is bullshit 100% And if they're having a good time And good moods are contagious Drinking chocolate milk Exactly, we should all hope

That we could have people with Down syndrome Like here's the thing If everyone had Down syndrome It would probably throw the world A pretty significant disarray For a while But we're still much smarter than chimps Right, you know

We'd have really nice grass huts Would we have Complete indoors If they can automate the candy Manufacturing I think we should willingly accept Everybody gets $1,000 a month From Andrew Yang

You Full automation of candy Andrew Yang would be On the syndrome I think Your son is going to probably Be more likely to be gay Than retarded

Because you know You make a lot of gay sex Parity songs, jokes You know, that's If you want to guarantee your son Why's it got to be both? Why can't it be both? That's the happiest kind of guy

Your kid's probably going to be disabled Because Dasha's irradiated From Chernobyl That's true I think about that a lot Maybe my kid will be like Charles Xavier Mutant Yeah, maybe he'll be strong

Strong, kick my ass Probably not Missing a nasal bridge Left lip Flippers Dasha came out alright The first one She's laying dormant in her eggs

Her irradiated eggs Her pussy glows in the door Can you play like Adams like, where is it? I can't find, where is it? Oh, there it is Oh, there it is I've came already

I'm already done having sex His pants are still on I finished Having sex Do you want to get like hazmat suits Or whatever and then like go paintballing in Chernobyl When we're in Europe? We're not going to Europe

We might not, yeah we're not If we go Yes Have you ever gone paintballing before? Let's end the show Thanks for watching!